- Wither wings, so I shall fly no more!
- Why so unhappy, friend bird?
- Did you know, my bones are hollow, & I must eat so much every day, just to fly!
- It seems so unsafe here on the ground.
- Yet you hibernate in winter! I must fly vast distances, to keep warm.
- We admire you down here. We wish we were free as you.
- Free! I am cursed by my wings to endlessly soar!
- Seriously, that sounds awesome. Not a curse at all.
- While I may have wings, there are others that have wings, too.
- Others?
- Bigger others.
- Bigger mothers, you mean.
- They swoop down at me, they want to eat me.
- Dude, it's no different down here. Bigger mothers want to eat me too.
- Maybe being bound to the land is a curse as well.
- Maybe life is a curse.
- Wither life, so I shall fly no more!
- Or you could just stand right there, something will come by & eat you soon enough.
- Is that clock right?
- Which one?
- On the bank there.
- Oh, yeah. We had to "fall back" last night, we're not on daylight savings time anymore.
- Oh dear, I'm late! I gotta jet.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Saturday, November 06, 2010
How Cold Is The Metal You Love
Fellow lovers of our future robot overlords, let me beseech you, in this cold, cold times, press the coldest metal to your face, grip it tightly in frostbitten hands, lay with it, learn to prefer it to warm, imperfect flesh. Because in the process of our obsolescence, we will find our only consolation with the cold alloys of our robot paramours.
& the music they shall sing to us will be the music you can hear on Dickenbock Electronics, my (usually) every three week or so electronica showcase, a new episode of which is available for your listening pleasure at self help radio dot net.
Produced as a public service for the Committee to Replace Organics on Planet Earth, or CROPE. CROPE is pleased to announce that it now has a human on its Board Of Directors.
Go! Listen now! While you still have a choice!
& the music they shall sing to us will be the music you can hear on Dickenbock Electronics, my (usually) every three week or so electronica showcase, a new episode of which is available for your listening pleasure at self help radio dot net.
Produced as a public service for the Committee to Replace Organics on Planet Earth, or CROPE. CROPE is pleased to announce that it now has a human on its Board Of Directors.
Go! Listen now! While you still have a choice!
Friday, November 05, 2010
The Face In The Furor
Aw, did the season start too soon for you? Here are handy tips for making sure you don't catch cold & miss out on the wonders of winter:
1) Keep it in your pants. Whatever it is, if it's not in your pants, it's colder than when it is in your pants, & when whatever it is is cold, it can lower your immune defenses, to let a dreadful cold sneak in & lay you low.
2) Eat plenty of healthy. Yes, healthy often suffers at the hands & feet of unhealthy, which is available in most stores, but surely you can find healthy wherever it is sold & consume more of it. Studies show eating a lot of healthy often keeps you well.
3) If you must exercise, make sure it's your brain. Too many famous people who once were alive & fit are now dead but did they think the right things? I'm not so sure. Reading is good, but also just pondering is worth your while.
4) Perhaps you should also be in love. While nine out of fourteen doctors find love to be distracting unless the sex is good, researchers are fixing the data to show a connection between love in your life & physical well-being. Look it up!
5) Your pets need to go for a walk. This applies mainly to dogs, who carry loads of diseases, but who, when you walk them, spread those germs outdoors & not in the confines of your lovely home.
6) I find alcohol to be delicious. Not so much if it's in medications, like that awful one that you take just so the alcohol in it will make you sleepy. But if that's all you can get - sometimes in the middle of the night, it is - salut!
7) Friends don't let friends get sick. If your friend is sick, you have not been a good friend & it means you probably don't respect him or her very much. Plus, that friend being sick may make you sick. Goodbye, friend!
8) Snow is more cold than soft. It does not make a nice pillow for cold winter sleepytime. Even if, in this tough economy, all you can afford to live under is a bridge. People have been known to make this mistake, or maybe it's just me.
Well! The staff & homemakers at Self Help Radio hope you enjoy this winter in the same way you didn't last year, & we hope these nine simple rules will force you to stay well all through the season & only get the flu perhaps in early spring when you least expect it.
1) Keep it in your pants. Whatever it is, if it's not in your pants, it's colder than when it is in your pants, & when whatever it is is cold, it can lower your immune defenses, to let a dreadful cold sneak in & lay you low.
2) Eat plenty of healthy. Yes, healthy often suffers at the hands & feet of unhealthy, which is available in most stores, but surely you can find healthy wherever it is sold & consume more of it. Studies show eating a lot of healthy often keeps you well.
3) If you must exercise, make sure it's your brain. Too many famous people who once were alive & fit are now dead but did they think the right things? I'm not so sure. Reading is good, but also just pondering is worth your while.
4) Perhaps you should also be in love. While nine out of fourteen doctors find love to be distracting unless the sex is good, researchers are fixing the data to show a connection between love in your life & physical well-being. Look it up!
5) Your pets need to go for a walk. This applies mainly to dogs, who carry loads of diseases, but who, when you walk them, spread those germs outdoors & not in the confines of your lovely home.
6) I find alcohol to be delicious. Not so much if it's in medications, like that awful one that you take just so the alcohol in it will make you sleepy. But if that's all you can get - sometimes in the middle of the night, it is - salut!
7) Friends don't let friends get sick. If your friend is sick, you have not been a good friend & it means you probably don't respect him or her very much. Plus, that friend being sick may make you sick. Goodbye, friend!
8) Snow is more cold than soft. It does not make a nice pillow for cold winter sleepytime. Even if, in this tough economy, all you can afford to live under is a bridge. People have been known to make this mistake, or maybe it's just me.
Well! The staff & homemakers at Self Help Radio hope you enjoy this winter in the same way you didn't last year, & we hope these nine simple rules will force you to stay well all through the season & only get the flu perhaps in early spring when you least expect it.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
But Did You Vote?
Sure, sure, this week's episode of Self Help Radio, which is about hunger, or being hungry, is now available for your listening pleasure at self help radio dot net, but that seems so unimportant. Don't you think? Because there's this crazy election going on! You should have voted. Did you vote?
Some people think it's foolish. Some don't care. Some think it's buying into a corrupt system. All I can say is, there's probably some truth to the negative comments. But it sure feels nice to vote. Even if it's voting against someone.
& who knows? Maybe one day we'll not get to vote anymore. You might at least want to say you did something so quaint - & desirable - once in your life.
Or maybe you'd rather listen to Self Help Radio?
Some people think it's foolish. Some don't care. Some think it's buying into a corrupt system. All I can say is, there's probably some truth to the negative comments. But it sure feels nice to vote. Even if it's voting against someone.
& who knows? Maybe one day we'll not get to vote anymore. You might at least want to say you did something so quaint - & desirable - once in your life.
Or maybe you'd rather listen to Self Help Radio?
Monday, November 01, 2010
Oh, You Already Know What's Important About Tomorrow
Yes! & it's not my stupid radio show. It's that you vote! Even if it seems ridiculous or hopeless, even if you haven't really cared in months, even if the media have already told you who's won - VOTE!
The choices aren't so great, I'll grant you. But at least you have something like a choice, right? One time, on KOOP, there was this inane show - it's probably still on - where the host, a simple but amiable fellow, was interviewing some high muckety-muck from Cuba during one of their "elections," & he asked him, "What's voter turnout in Cuba?" The man said proudly, "Ninety-nine percent of the population votes!" The host gosh-wowed about that & then tsk-tsked the low turnout in the United States, all the while never asking the most important question, which is: but aren't they voting for a single party? If that's the case, could there be another reason they go to the polls - perhaps because they might be punished if they don't?
Perhaps we should punish Americans if they don't vote. But then again, there is a punishment - have you seen the people who run our country? I don't think a one of us could stand to be in a room with a random sampling of any of them.
Vote! Vote! Vote! I say. It feels nice.
& if you're up early enough, listen to me tell you to vote on 88.1 WRFL fm! Don't wait to listen to it later when I archive it on self help radio dot net. It won't make any sense. But actually, you can listen to my shows any time. That'd be great.
The choices aren't so great, I'll grant you. But at least you have something like a choice, right? One time, on KOOP, there was this inane show - it's probably still on - where the host, a simple but amiable fellow, was interviewing some high muckety-muck from Cuba during one of their "elections," & he asked him, "What's voter turnout in Cuba?" The man said proudly, "Ninety-nine percent of the population votes!" The host gosh-wowed about that & then tsk-tsked the low turnout in the United States, all the while never asking the most important question, which is: but aren't they voting for a single party? If that's the case, could there be another reason they go to the polls - perhaps because they might be punished if they don't?
Perhaps we should punish Americans if they don't vote. But then again, there is a punishment - have you seen the people who run our country? I don't think a one of us could stand to be in a room with a random sampling of any of them.
Vote! Vote! Vote! I say. It feels nice.
& if you're up early enough, listen to me tell you to vote on 88.1 WRFL fm! Don't wait to listen to it later when I archive it on self help radio dot net. It won't make any sense. But actually, you can listen to my shows any time. That'd be great.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Whither Hungry?
That sounds like something a pretentious waiter might say instead of "What can I get you?"
Billions of people in our world live in a state called hunger. Batman might have told members of the Justice League, "Hunger is good for the soul," but that just means he thinks starving children are more soulful than well-fed ones. Which is terrible logic, for both me & him. But it sucks for the Batman since he has a better reputation than I do.
Self Help Radio explores hunger this week because it realized that, about halfway through most of its shows, it could really use a snack. & not something junk food-y, like chips or nuts or whatever. A substantial amount of food, like a sandwich perhaps, or maybe one of those things that other cultures make which aren't really sandwiches but emulate sandwiches in a delicious manner, like a burrito, or a samosa, or even pizza, folded over like they do in New York. Mmmm.
Of course, Self Help Radio is also proud to explore issues of lasting import, like hunger, which has become more prevalent in this country during our Great Recession, & will probably continue to increase, since Self Help Radio expects the worst. & boy, does the worst deliver.
Self Help Radio will be full of depressing facts this week, like this one:
36.3 million people - including 13 million children - live in households that experience hunger or the risk of hunger. This represents more than one in ten households in the United States (11.2 percent). This is an increase of 1.4 million, from 34.9, million in 2002.
Luckily, Self Help Radio will accompany these facts with awesome music to offset this gloomy information.
Billions of people in our world live in a state called hunger. Batman might have told members of the Justice League, "Hunger is good for the soul," but that just means he thinks starving children are more soulful than well-fed ones. Which is terrible logic, for both me & him. But it sucks for the Batman since he has a better reputation than I do.
Self Help Radio explores hunger this week because it realized that, about halfway through most of its shows, it could really use a snack. & not something junk food-y, like chips or nuts or whatever. A substantial amount of food, like a sandwich perhaps, or maybe one of those things that other cultures make which aren't really sandwiches but emulate sandwiches in a delicious manner, like a burrito, or a samosa, or even pizza, folded over like they do in New York. Mmmm.
Of course, Self Help Radio is also proud to explore issues of lasting import, like hunger, which has become more prevalent in this country during our Great Recession, & will probably continue to increase, since Self Help Radio expects the worst. & boy, does the worst deliver.
Self Help Radio will be full of depressing facts this week, like this one:
36.3 million people - including 13 million children - live in households that experience hunger or the risk of hunger. This represents more than one in ten households in the United States (11.2 percent). This is an increase of 1.4 million, from 34.9, million in 2002.
Luckily, Self Help Radio will accompany these facts with awesome music to offset this gloomy information.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Correcting The Unfairness Of Holidays
Living in West Virginia for a year did some damage, it's true. For one thing, it was such an awful place to live (& really, I just lived in Huntington, so I will freely admit that I can't say anything about any other town in West Virginia except I'm certain it's probably better) that it makes every other place look wonderful by comparison. I mean, after living in Huntington for about ten months, I visited Dallas & thought to myself, "I'd prefer living here." Dallas. Dallas, Texas. How awful must a town be to make Dallas look attractive?
One thing that happened around this time last year - & one of the neighbors scolded me for this lack of knowledge, as I didn't read the paper or watch the news - is that the town simply rescheduled Halloween. Halloween, you may recall, fell on a Saturday last year - a perfectly respectful day of the week for a perfectly respectable holiday. But the Thursday before, kids knocked on our doors tricking & treating. Why? Because the city decided Thursday was a better day for Halloween. Thursday!
I did wait for the rogue child, possessed of independent thought & an anarchic spirit, to come on Saturday, but no luck. I suppose they knew the rest of the city had given all its candy away on Thursday. Thursday! The kids had to sit at home on Saturday knowing full well the entire rest of the country was out trick-or-treating that night. Absurd.
It was burned into my Texan brain that that must be the case in Lexington, too. After all, it's just a hundred miles to the west. Of course, it's also two decades into the future here - so I was fooled. Someone told me - I don't remember who - or even if it were some delusion fostered by a thought-stunting year in the backwards world of Huntington - that Halloween would be on Saturday in Lexington.
The wife & I took the dogs for a late walk last night & I made her bring candy along with us to give to the trick-or-treaters I knew we'd meet out & about.
Of course there were none. Halloween is tomorrow. Lexington exists in the real world. I need to get used to that.
One thing that happened around this time last year - & one of the neighbors scolded me for this lack of knowledge, as I didn't read the paper or watch the news - is that the town simply rescheduled Halloween. Halloween, you may recall, fell on a Saturday last year - a perfectly respectful day of the week for a perfectly respectable holiday. But the Thursday before, kids knocked on our doors tricking & treating. Why? Because the city decided Thursday was a better day for Halloween. Thursday!
I did wait for the rogue child, possessed of independent thought & an anarchic spirit, to come on Saturday, but no luck. I suppose they knew the rest of the city had given all its candy away on Thursday. Thursday! The kids had to sit at home on Saturday knowing full well the entire rest of the country was out trick-or-treating that night. Absurd.
It was burned into my Texan brain that that must be the case in Lexington, too. After all, it's just a hundred miles to the west. Of course, it's also two decades into the future here - so I was fooled. Someone told me - I don't remember who - or even if it were some delusion fostered by a thought-stunting year in the backwards world of Huntington - that Halloween would be on Saturday in Lexington.
The wife & I took the dogs for a late walk last night & I made her bring candy along with us to give to the trick-or-treaters I knew we'd meet out & about.
Of course there were none. Halloween is tomorrow. Lexington exists in the real world. I need to get used to that.
Friday, October 29, 2010
My Unhappy Is Your Zombie
I can't go to the Jon Stewart rally this weekend, which makes me sad. It's because of my dumb animals, who are my best friends & who I love more than anything. But still. Seriously, dudes?
I'm still not going to do a show this weekend. I'm going to watch the rally on television. So there.
I did do a show yesterday - subbing for two nice people named Katie & Travis - all about zombies. A nice caller asked me to put it online so I have. It's here: at the top of the page. That means, by the way, that you have three Self Help Radio shows for your Halloween pleasure, if you'd like: the aforementioned show about zombies, & the show I did Tuesday about haunted houses & last year's show about werewolves. What a punishment of screams!
I need to go sulk now.
I'm still not going to do a show this weekend. I'm going to watch the rally on television. So there.
I did do a show yesterday - subbing for two nice people named Katie & Travis - all about zombies. A nice caller asked me to put it online so I have. It's here: at the top of the page. That means, by the way, that you have three Self Help Radio shows for your Halloween pleasure, if you'd like: the aforementioned show about zombies, & the show I did Tuesday about haunted houses & last year's show about werewolves. What a punishment of screams!
I need to go sulk now.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I Think This Blog Is Haunted
Boo!
Be wary, intrepid traveler, for Self Help Radio today emanated eerily from a haunted radio station, with many songs about haunted houses & not a single song about a haunted apartment or condominium. Really, not even one about a haunted hotel room or a haunted spare bedroom in the back with access only to a bathroom, no shower. Ghosts & other malevolent spirits need their space, I guess.
Also: boo!
Here's a trick: the show, which aired this morning, is available for listening now at any time at self help radio dot net . Here's a treat: you can download the songs from the show in mp3 form by clicking here to get the zip file . Over ninety minutes of fright, featuring some things you didn't hear on the show! Get them now! They're only available until the morning of November 1!
Did I mention: boo!
Would you prefer a show about werewolves? That's so last year - but you can listen to that show to right over here.
Thanks for listening & have a happy Halloween!
Be wary, intrepid traveler, for Self Help Radio today emanated eerily from a haunted radio station, with many songs about haunted houses & not a single song about a haunted apartment or condominium. Really, not even one about a haunted hotel room or a haunted spare bedroom in the back with access only to a bathroom, no shower. Ghosts & other malevolent spirits need their space, I guess.
Also: boo!
Here's a trick: the show, which aired this morning, is available for listening now at any time at self help radio dot net . Here's a treat: you can download the songs from the show in mp3 form by clicking here to get the zip file . Over ninety minutes of fright, featuring some things you didn't hear on the show! Get them now! They're only available until the morning of November 1!
Did I mention: boo!
Would you prefer a show about werewolves? That's so last year - but you can listen to that show to right over here.
Thanks for listening & have a happy Halloween!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Especially Self-Conscious In My Dreams
It seems. I had a dream where, when I stepped onto a bridge, it slowly, as if made of elastic, dipped into the water. What do you do when your own dreams call you fatty?
You soldier on. For example, early tomorrow morning you'll get to hear Self Help Radio's Halloween 2010 show, which is about haunted houses. If you perhaps become a "fan" or "like" (whatever the case is) Self Help Radio on Facebook, you might be able to get haunted house music to play yourself. Or maybe you can just look at the page - it's located right here & if it's not a trick & truly a treat, it'll last until Halloween.
They like Halloween around here. I may have to walk through several graveyards to get to the station tonight. I hope it's not too ghoulish.
So if you can listen tomorrow, it's on 88.1 fm WRFL too early in the morning (4:30 am in fact) on the radio & online. Or I'll have the show up at the Self Help Radio website some time tomorrow. In time for Halloween!
You soldier on. For example, early tomorrow morning you'll get to hear Self Help Radio's Halloween 2010 show, which is about haunted houses. If you perhaps become a "fan" or "like" (whatever the case is) Self Help Radio on Facebook, you might be able to get haunted house music to play yourself. Or maybe you can just look at the page - it's located right here & if it's not a trick & truly a treat, it'll last until Halloween.
They like Halloween around here. I may have to walk through several graveyards to get to the station tonight. I hope it's not too ghoulish.
So if you can listen tomorrow, it's on 88.1 fm WRFL too early in the morning (4:30 am in fact) on the radio & online. Or I'll have the show up at the Self Help Radio website some time tomorrow. In time for Halloween!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Whither Haunted Houses?
Every Halloween Self Help Radio does some sort of Halloween show. I can't help it. I started out thinking I could do "general" holiday shows, you know, with a song about a ghost then a song about a vampire then a song about a zombie, but I started thinking, you know, Self Help Radio specializes in specific themes. The only holiday that I somewhat celebrate with a more or less general theme is Christmas, & that's because it would just be weird to do an entire show about mistletoe (for example).
So, my first Self Help Radio Halloween was of the generalest kind. The next year (Halloween 2003) was about ghosts. Morrissey was supposed to come to town around Halloween 2004, so I preempted my Halloween show for a Smiths show, but, terrifying as it was, he cancelled the concert. My 2005 show was about vampires, my 2006 show was about monsters, my 2007 show was about zombies, my 2008 show was about witches, & last year's show was about werewolves. It may seem as though I am exhausting all the major characters in the Halloween storybook, but it's not true! This year's show is about haunted houses. Ha ha! Didn't see that coming, did you? Ha ha!
Except, you know, in the title of this entry.
By far one of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me happened in a homemade "haunted house" in my childhood. I even once wrote a short story about it. Hey! Maybe I can find it & put it here tomorrow! Except I'll edit it for length. Possibly even make sure it's at least readable. Many of my old short stories fail the "readability" test. & not because I wrote them in my completely made-up language called Garyrag. I only translate great books into that language.
"Haunted house" in Garyrag is "griffdo eeks." Just in case you were wondering.
So, my first Self Help Radio Halloween was of the generalest kind. The next year (Halloween 2003) was about ghosts. Morrissey was supposed to come to town around Halloween 2004, so I preempted my Halloween show for a Smiths show, but, terrifying as it was, he cancelled the concert. My 2005 show was about vampires, my 2006 show was about monsters, my 2007 show was about zombies, my 2008 show was about witches, & last year's show was about werewolves. It may seem as though I am exhausting all the major characters in the Halloween storybook, but it's not true! This year's show is about haunted houses. Ha ha! Didn't see that coming, did you? Ha ha!
Except, you know, in the title of this entry.
By far one of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me happened in a homemade "haunted house" in my childhood. I even once wrote a short story about it. Hey! Maybe I can find it & put it here tomorrow! Except I'll edit it for length. Possibly even make sure it's at least readable. Many of my old short stories fail the "readability" test. & not because I wrote them in my completely made-up language called Garyrag. I only translate great books into that language.
"Haunted house" in Garyrag is "griffdo eeks." Just in case you were wondering.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Weekends Incommunicado
Perhaps you've read this blog. Perhaps you're someone who gives a hoodley-hoo about the radio show this blog is arguably about, or the radio show programmer who writes this blog & also does the radio show. According to Google Analytics, you are about one-quarter of a person, because that's the average number of visitors this blog gets a day. I hope you didn't have a weird accident or anything!
As a regular reader (or irregular, if there's three-fourths of you missing) of this blog, you might have previously heard that the next two weekend I will have other engagements which will keep me from my regular Saturday shows. This will also mean that I probably will not be writing in this blog on those days. Whatever shall you do? It's not like there are other, more interesting blogs out there, are there? Of course there are! I read some of them more than this blog!
This week is my Halloween show, which is about haunted houses, & I will be listening to haunted house songs all the way to Missouri, where my friend LeAndra is getting married, & usually I give away Halloween CDs to people who call in to win them during the show. I can't do that this year - WRFL has a no-giveaways policy - but I can give them away on this blog & on my Facebook page, where you should also totally "like" me.
So if you don't hear from me for a couple of days, don't worry! I'm driving to Missouri. Then driving back from Missouri. The show will go on as promised!
Unless I have a weird accident or something & am reduced to one-fourth of a person.
As a regular reader (or irregular, if there's three-fourths of you missing) of this blog, you might have previously heard that the next two weekend I will have other engagements which will keep me from my regular Saturday shows. This will also mean that I probably will not be writing in this blog on those days. Whatever shall you do? It's not like there are other, more interesting blogs out there, are there? Of course there are! I read some of them more than this blog!
This week is my Halloween show, which is about haunted houses, & I will be listening to haunted house songs all the way to Missouri, where my friend LeAndra is getting married, & usually I give away Halloween CDs to people who call in to win them during the show. I can't do that this year - WRFL has a no-giveaways policy - but I can give them away on this blog & on my Facebook page, where you should also totally "like" me.
So if you don't hear from me for a couple of days, don't worry! I'm driving to Missouri. Then driving back from Missouri. The show will go on as promised!
Unless I have a weird accident or something & am reduced to one-fourth of a person.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
It's Been A Long Day; Or, I'm Exhausted
If you're the sort of person who can only read one sentence because of ADD & then has to find another blog, then let me tell you this week's episode of Self Help Radio is available for your audio enjoyment at self help radio dot net. The theme is "this or that," & there's also a new episode of my pop show, Sugar Substitute, as well. Wait, you're the sort of person who, because of your ADD, can't get this far in a paragraph. My bad.
I do have an excuse for the tardiness in putting the show up, however. Some working dudes were repairing or updating or reinstalling or doing busy work on a power line & my electricity was off for about three hours in the middle of the day. True story! I decided, after waiting two & a half hours, to take a nap, & then, as I was dozing off, I woke to the hum of refrigerator starting up.
Which is better, it's true, than being awakened from a nap, as I often am, by the tap-tapping of annoying beagles who just want to go outside to chase chipmunks.
I do have an excuse for the tardiness in putting the show up, however. Some working dudes were repairing or updating or reinstalling or doing busy work on a power line & my electricity was off for about three hours in the middle of the day. True story! I decided, after waiting two & a half hours, to take a nap, & then, as I was dozing off, I woke to the hum of refrigerator starting up.
Which is better, it's true, than being awakened from a nap, as I often am, by the tap-tapping of annoying beagles who just want to go outside to chase chipmunks.
Monday, October 18, 2010
This Week In Media Manipulation
Hey! If you're reading this right now, & "right now" is defined as "six to eight pm Eastern time," you can listen to me play electronical music on WRFL 88.1 during that time. If you're not in Lexington (where it's been a lovely autumn day), you can listen online at wrfl.fm.
If you are reading this later, & "later" is defined as "sometime between Monday night & Tuesday morning," be aware that, mere hours from now, after I've left the deejay booth cold & alone on a Monday night, I will return cold & lonesome early Tuesday morning for a new Sugar Substitute & a new Self Help Radio. Sleep? Who needs sleep?
Actually, I'm craving pizza. I'll probably eat pizza in the next forty-eight hours, Then I will fall asleep on a pizza. That's my promise to you.
If you are reading this later, & "later" is defined as "sometime between Monday night & Tuesday morning," be aware that, mere hours from now, after I've left the deejay booth cold & alone on a Monday night, I will return cold & lonesome early Tuesday morning for a new Sugar Substitute & a new Self Help Radio. Sleep? Who needs sleep?
Actually, I'm craving pizza. I'll probably eat pizza in the next forty-eight hours, Then I will fall asleep on a pizza. That's my promise to you.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Whither This Or That?
Sometimes, while I'm doing Self Help Radio shows, I think of this dude I sort of knew in Austin. He was one of those loud-mouthed know-it-alls who would call the show all the time & ask questions he knew the answers to so that he could remember the answer the second after he asked. He seemed to like my show & I was always nice to him, & he knew other deejays at the station so often showed up to talk & talk & talk. Anyway, he once sent me a list of themes he thought I should do - themes I'm sure he had plenty of ideas about it.
Now, I can be pretty snobby - & I certainly don't want to be "obvious" about themes. Still, I've picked some easy ones. But his - well, they were both extremely general & generally banal. They were things like "rain" & "cars" & "crying." It's not to say I wouldn't one day do shows with those themes - in a way, they're "gimmies," easy shows to do because of the wealth of material.
But the fellow's personality & the utter unoriginality of the themes made me sniff & say, "Oh, those themes - thank you for suggesting them - but I'm looking for more challenging topics for my show..."
The truth is, sometimes I need a "gimmie." So that explains this week's theme, "this or that." How easy to find songs with the title [insert word here] or [insert other word here]! I'll be able to sleep more this weekend.
It turns out, of course, that the more general themes have so many more songs that it's actually harder to do the shows. I've been listening to songs all day & am nowhere near done. So. I deserve it for being such a snot. A more obscure theme might be more time-consuming in the search for songs to satisfy it. But general themes - even if they're easy - I have to spend the time. I want to pick the best songs to play, don't I?
Now, I can be pretty snobby - & I certainly don't want to be "obvious" about themes. Still, I've picked some easy ones. But his - well, they were both extremely general & generally banal. They were things like "rain" & "cars" & "crying." It's not to say I wouldn't one day do shows with those themes - in a way, they're "gimmies," easy shows to do because of the wealth of material.
But the fellow's personality & the utter unoriginality of the themes made me sniff & say, "Oh, those themes - thank you for suggesting them - but I'm looking for more challenging topics for my show..."
The truth is, sometimes I need a "gimmie." So that explains this week's theme, "this or that." How easy to find songs with the title [insert word here] or [insert other word here]! I'll be able to sleep more this weekend.
It turns out, of course, that the more general themes have so many more songs that it's actually harder to do the shows. I've been listening to songs all day & am nowhere near done. So. I deserve it for being such a snot. A more obscure theme might be more time-consuming in the search for songs to satisfy it. But general themes - even if they're easy - I have to spend the time. I want to pick the best songs to play, don't I?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Howdy! It's Zeke Moonshine!
As promised, here's a Pony Express missive letting you know that this week's episode of the Zeke Moonshine Show - starring Zeke Moonshine - as well as old timey country & blues musicians like Wilmer Watts, Ken Maynard, Casey Bill Weldon, the Girls Of The Golden West, Patsy Montana, Skip James, Bukka White & much, much more - is now available for your listening pleasure at self help radio dot net.
If you're not interested, might I suggest you stare at this lovely photo of the Girls Of The Golden West until you find yourself in the mood?
Please remember, though Zeke has his own still, he starts drinking & playing records long before you get there. Bring your own!
If you're not interested, might I suggest you stare at this lovely photo of the Girls Of The Golden West until you find yourself in the mood?
Please remember, though Zeke has his own still, he starts drinking & playing records long before you get there. Bring your own!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Caps Lock On!
I'll probably be talking about this more as we get nearer to the time, but the Saturday shows I do - Dickenbock Electronics, Tags & Tricks, & The Zeke Moonshine Show - will be postponed - not preempted - while I am busy the next two Saturdays in a row.
NOT THIS SATURDAY! Tomorrow will be the Zeke Moonshine show as promised!
But the Saturday after next I'll be at a wedding in (of all places) Missouri, & then the next week - if the creek is willing & the Good Lord don't rise - the wife & I will try to attend Jon Stewart's Rally To Restore Sanity. (Actually, I want to go to that one - the wife wants to attend Stephen Colbert's March To Keep Fear Alive.)
This means that the Saturday shows, bless 'em, get pushed ahead a fortnight. Will you ever forgive me?
I'll mention it as the time draws ever so near. But tomorrow Zeke will be here. I PROMISE!
NOT THIS SATURDAY! Tomorrow will be the Zeke Moonshine show as promised!
But the Saturday after next I'll be at a wedding in (of all places) Missouri, & then the next week - if the creek is willing & the Good Lord don't rise - the wife & I will try to attend Jon Stewart's Rally To Restore Sanity. (Actually, I want to go to that one - the wife wants to attend Stephen Colbert's March To Keep Fear Alive.)
This means that the Saturday shows, bless 'em, get pushed ahead a fortnight. Will you ever forgive me?
I'll mention it as the time draws ever so near. But tomorrow Zeke will be here. I PROMISE!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Hap-py An-ni-ver-sar-y!
The 8th Anniversary show is now up for listening & stuff at self help radio dot net! You will have to bring your own cake & party hats. I ate it all when the show aired this morning.
On the show I gave shout-outs to all the nice people who subbed over the years but can I do it also on this blog so I will be able to read about it later when I am sober? All right then!
Big thanks & much love to Little Danny, to CJ Buchanan, to Lisa & Jay who kept the show warm while I was on a winter vacation to Europe, to Art who took the helm on Tax Day 2007, to Justin whose excellent show I miss a great deal, to my apprentices who graduated into programmership after they took over my show for a day: the lovely & whip-smart Erin, the lovely & smart-alecky Stephanie, & the lovely & grizzled Gary, who I miss & whose tattoos appear regularly in my nightmares. Finally, a big thanks to Delaney, who didn't have to make a big deal of subbing SHR but did.
I don't think I missed anyone, but maybe I did. You should tell me. I calculated that I've done over four hundred Self Help Radio shows, so I hardly gave others a chance, but I should thank the nice folks who let ME sub THEIR show over the last few years too: the Jennifers &, later, Lace, for letting me sit in the sweet seat at the late, lamented Ear Candy; Scott for sharing his noisy space at Stronger Than Dirt; Jason & Joanna, for letting me babysit their baby Pot Luck before they flew the Austin nest; Andrew, whose Heliocentric Hootenanny is very much missed; Tracy & Smokehouse who did two great blues shows on different stations on the same frequency; Little Danny who trusted me twice to handle Soul Sauce; Taylor whose Queer Waves was always better when he did it instead of me or anyone else; Mark who let me dabble in the prog without being too nerdy about it; Lisa for the Clear Spot & Jay for the Lounge Show & Art for Jamaican Gold - how kind for you to trust me to do your excellent shows; & Justin for letting me sit in on the House Call as often as he did. Like I said, I miss that show a bunch.
There are others, too many, not to mention the shows I've subbed recently on WRFL for programmers I've not met yet. In most cases, I tried to follow the programmer's style & musical genre; insofar that I came anywhere near their standards of excellence, it was because I listened like a good pupil to their tutelage. Thank you all!
I may not get to sub any Austin shows ever again, but I hope that, when my sixteenth anniversary stumbles around, I'll have many different people to thank.
Happy anniversary Self Help Radio!
On the show I gave shout-outs to all the nice people who subbed over the years but can I do it also on this blog so I will be able to read about it later when I am sober? All right then!
Big thanks & much love to Little Danny, to CJ Buchanan, to Lisa & Jay who kept the show warm while I was on a winter vacation to Europe, to Art who took the helm on Tax Day 2007, to Justin whose excellent show I miss a great deal, to my apprentices who graduated into programmership after they took over my show for a day: the lovely & whip-smart Erin, the lovely & smart-alecky Stephanie, & the lovely & grizzled Gary, who I miss & whose tattoos appear regularly in my nightmares. Finally, a big thanks to Delaney, who didn't have to make a big deal of subbing SHR but did.
I don't think I missed anyone, but maybe I did. You should tell me. I calculated that I've done over four hundred Self Help Radio shows, so I hardly gave others a chance, but I should thank the nice folks who let ME sub THEIR show over the last few years too: the Jennifers &, later, Lace, for letting me sit in the sweet seat at the late, lamented Ear Candy; Scott for sharing his noisy space at Stronger Than Dirt; Jason & Joanna, for letting me babysit their baby Pot Luck before they flew the Austin nest; Andrew, whose Heliocentric Hootenanny is very much missed; Tracy & Smokehouse who did two great blues shows on different stations on the same frequency; Little Danny who trusted me twice to handle Soul Sauce; Taylor whose Queer Waves was always better when he did it instead of me or anyone else; Mark who let me dabble in the prog without being too nerdy about it; Lisa for the Clear Spot & Jay for the Lounge Show & Art for Jamaican Gold - how kind for you to trust me to do your excellent shows; & Justin for letting me sit in on the House Call as often as he did. Like I said, I miss that show a bunch.
There are others, too many, not to mention the shows I've subbed recently on WRFL for programmers I've not met yet. In most cases, I tried to follow the programmer's style & musical genre; insofar that I came anywhere near their standards of excellence, it was because I listened like a good pupil to their tutelage. Thank you all!
I may not get to sub any Austin shows ever again, but I hope that, when my sixteenth anniversary stumbles around, I'll have many different people to thank.
Happy anniversary Self Help Radio!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Whither The Counting Numbers?
As you may or may not have guessed, this is my eighth anniversary show. My first show as "Self Help Radio" (a name that took forever for me to come up with) was October 9, 2002. (I had done two or three other shows at a different timeslot, but though they were "themed," the show wasn't guaranteed the slot, & the name hadn't been attached.) By my count, I've done 402 Self Help Radios, though that doesn't mean 402 themes. If you eliminate the "regular" shows (my end-of-the-year favorites, my Christmas shows, the indiepop a to z shows, guest shows) (but you must leave in the "year" shows for my birthday, since they are a specific theme, & also the Valentine & Halloween shows, since they, too, are about specific aspects of the holiday) (I'm torn about shows dedicated to an artist, especially the ones where I play covers of the artists instead of all the artists - I'm leaving them in!)...
I count 337 separate themes. Wow.
Not only that, & not counting "The War On Sailing," which I don't have good records of anyway, I also subbed or covered at least 174 other shows on four different radio stations plus podcasts.
(This of course doesn't count any radio I did prior to Self Help Radio. I deejayed lots of time on KVRX in the 1990s.)
It's been a busy eight years! & I'm not stopping any time soon! So please listen to the anniversary show - airing very early tomorrow on WRFL 88.1 fm in Lexington & all over the world on computer, & then archived later (I'll say when) at self help radio dot net. Self Help Radio is eight! Does that mean we're in second or third grade?
I count 337 separate themes. Wow.
Not only that, & not counting "The War On Sailing," which I don't have good records of anyway, I also subbed or covered at least 174 other shows on four different radio stations plus podcasts.
(This of course doesn't count any radio I did prior to Self Help Radio. I deejayed lots of time on KVRX in the 1990s.)
It's been a busy eight years! & I'm not stopping any time soon! So please listen to the anniversary show - airing very early tomorrow on WRFL 88.1 fm in Lexington & all over the world on computer, & then archived later (I'll say when) at self help radio dot net. Self Help Radio is eight! Does that mean we're in second or third grade?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Preface To The Counting Numbers: The Last Preface Ever?
When I was young, I made the mistake of mispronouncing "preface" in a public situation: a dumbass debate in eighth grade history class. I pronounced it "pre-face," not "pref-iss," & remember the gentle correction by my teacher, Mrs. Lane, & the class's ridicule, in the same memory pod. I should've looked at my Mirriam-Webster. What a fool was I.
On my second blog entry, I started the idear of the "preface" to the week's theme. I had some leeway then, as I did one show a week. Not now. Now, when I should be doing a preface, I'm doing an electronica show, or a jazz show, or an old timey country/blues show. It makes the blog entry where I explain the upcoming show the same blog entry where I have to say, "Hey! Listen to the show!" I've been uncomfortable with that.
You don't care, I know. But I do. & I'm the only person who regularly reads this blog.
So, from now on, no prefaces. This is the last one. I know, this could be an internal memo, but, seriously, no one's reading this but me, the person who writes it, so who gives a fuck? I am buzzing from tonight's Dexter, I could give half a shit what some random person who's googled "buzz" & "Dexter" thinks.
But yay! I've been doing my radio show for eight years! Yay! & I'm the only one who cares! Yay! Hooray!
On my second blog entry, I started the idear of the "preface" to the week's theme. I had some leeway then, as I did one show a week. Not now. Now, when I should be doing a preface, I'm doing an electronica show, or a jazz show, or an old timey country/blues show. It makes the blog entry where I explain the upcoming show the same blog entry where I have to say, "Hey! Listen to the show!" I've been uncomfortable with that.
You don't care, I know. But I do. & I'm the only person who regularly reads this blog.
So, from now on, no prefaces. This is the last one. I know, this could be an internal memo, but, seriously, no one's reading this but me, the person who writes it, so who gives a fuck? I am buzzing from tonight's Dexter, I could give half a shit what some random person who's googled "buzz" & "Dexter" thinks.
But yay! I've been doing my radio show for eight years! Yay! & I'm the only one who cares! Yay! Hooray!
Saturday, October 09, 2010
More Tags, Less Tricks
That doesn't make any sense, I know.
But hey! There's a new episode of Tags & Tricks, the jazz show I do, featuring such jazzy geniuses as Dizzy Gillespie, Cannonball Adderley, Ornette Coleman, Billy Harper, Lester Bowie & more! available for you now to listen to at selfhelpradio.net. All this & Jackie Gleason gets slightly trash-talked too!
Aw, he's a big boy, he can handle it.
You should go listen! It's jazztastic!
Too much? Yeah, I know.
But hey! There's a new episode of Tags & Tricks, the jazz show I do, featuring such jazzy geniuses as Dizzy Gillespie, Cannonball Adderley, Ornette Coleman, Billy Harper, Lester Bowie & more! available for you now to listen to at selfhelpradio.net. All this & Jackie Gleason gets slightly trash-talked too!
Aw, he's a big boy, he can handle it.
You should go listen! It's jazztastic!
Too much? Yeah, I know.
Friday, October 08, 2010
Done Declared
Are you telling your stories again? Did you bore and or offend someone with your constant chatter? I told you so. I told you so.
Some of those stories you tell are unwelcome, friend. People need to be receptive. You can't just start talking.
I know you want to tell the stories about the not-very-good radio station from which you so recently escaped. There's a good story or two there. Maybe. You need time to tell the story, though. Just jumping in - well, most people haven't been to that place, or been involved in non-commercial radio like that. You need to build up to the craziness, the small-mindedness, the wasted opportunities.
Oh, & recently you've been reminded of the story about the man deranged by his battles with a crooked board of directors at another tiny radio station. That's an awesome story, because it's got a main character that's both repulsive & sympathetic. But, again, you just jump to the end. You need a patient audience on your side, & their attention & interest.
I know the stories you want to tell. They can be very entertaining & thought-provoking, & some of the characters are colorful & comical.
You should get a blog!
Some of those stories you tell are unwelcome, friend. People need to be receptive. You can't just start talking.
I know you want to tell the stories about the not-very-good radio station from which you so recently escaped. There's a good story or two there. Maybe. You need time to tell the story, though. Just jumping in - well, most people haven't been to that place, or been involved in non-commercial radio like that. You need to build up to the craziness, the small-mindedness, the wasted opportunities.
Oh, & recently you've been reminded of the story about the man deranged by his battles with a crooked board of directors at another tiny radio station. That's an awesome story, because it's got a main character that's both repulsive & sympathetic. But, again, you just jump to the end. You need a patient audience on your side, & their attention & interest.
I know the stories you want to tell. They can be very entertaining & thought-provoking, & some of the characters are colorful & comical.
You should get a blog!
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Yay! Hooray! A Brand New Show Today!
While it's nowhere as interesting as an actual carnival, Self Help Radio's show this week is the next best thing: ninety minutes of songs about carnivals! True, there are no rides, but there are also no carnies trying to grift you, neither. So close your eyes, relax, go to... Wait, open your eyes. Now, go find the show at self help radio dot net - it should be at the top of the page - download it, & then, on whatever device you're playing it (it won't work on turntables, but you can try!), start the show - NOW you can close your eyes, relax, & imagine you're in a slightly squalid, previously abandoned lot near the highway, now occupied with creaky motorized rides, creepy people calling for you to try your luck at "games of chance" that seem a little dishonest, & the smell of the port-o-potties fighting with the smell of overly fried food.
Yay! Hooray! You're in a carnival in your head!
Have fun! Be careful! Thanks for listening!
Yay! Hooray! You're in a carnival in your head!
Have fun! Be careful! Thanks for listening!
Monday, October 04, 2010
Whither Carnivals?
I was just telling the wife how much I loved riding amusement park rides when I was a lad, & that's what'll always be a "carnival" to me - but that's not really what carnivals were.
Carnivals are supposed to have rides but also booths where you win stuff & then stages where freaks & magicians & odd people do odd things. If they have a main stage or places where people perform ("rings") they become a circus. Did you ever see the HBO series "Carnivà le"? That's what a carnival's supposed to be. & carnies are wiser & craftier than us regular folk.
Speaking of, a quote from this week's "The Mentalist": "There are two kinds of people, carnies & marks." That's a paraphrase.
The show happens tomorrow morning, you know, way too early for you to listen. But if you must, it's 4:30 on WRFL 88.1 fm. Sugar Substitute is on at 3. But if you're a normal person & you're asleep, I'll but it on the Self Help Radio website some time tomorrow.
Listen, or I'll get the freaks to come after you!
Carnivals are supposed to have rides but also booths where you win stuff & then stages where freaks & magicians & odd people do odd things. If they have a main stage or places where people perform ("rings") they become a circus. Did you ever see the HBO series "Carnivà le"? That's what a carnival's supposed to be. & carnies are wiser & craftier than us regular folk.
Speaking of, a quote from this week's "The Mentalist": "There are two kinds of people, carnies & marks." That's a paraphrase.
The show happens tomorrow morning, you know, way too early for you to listen. But if you must, it's 4:30 on WRFL 88.1 fm. Sugar Substitute is on at 3. But if you're a normal person & you're asleep, I'll but it on the Self Help Radio website some time tomorrow.
Listen, or I'll get the freaks to come after you!
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Preface To Carnivals: A Sweet Childhood Moment
I'm not entirely sure when this happened - I was in middle school, & it must've been seventh or eighth grade, as I don't believe my mother gave us lunch money when I was in sixth grade - but at some period of time, probably in the fall or the winter, a carnival came to Garland, Texas, & set up shop in the parking lot of the Ridgewood Shopping Center, right in front of the Minyard's. It was a small affair - maybe five or six rides, nothing fancy, & a few games in shabby wooden booths - but there was one ride, which was called "The Tilt-A-Whirl," which I just loved. If you don't know what the ride is like, this Wikipedia article shows a picture & a description. To me, the ride was somewhat like a game - it approximated merry-go-rounds, which I loved & missed a great deal* - & the trick to master was to get the car in which you sat to just spin & spin & spin**.
Every day for the week or two that the carnival was there, I would take the money I saved by skipping lunch & spend it on rides on the carnival's Tilt-A-Whirl. Tickets were a quarter, or maybe fifty cents, & in those days my mother gave my little brother & me a dollar each for lunch. (I think the school lunch was 85 cents with fifteen cents for a carton of milk or juice.) So I'd get either four or two rides - seriously, barely ten or fifteen minutes worth of fun - but it meant the world to me. The carnival was around the corner from where I lived, so I'd run there after school, ride the ride (I don't think there was ever a problem of my age or height - most probably the carnies didn't care), & then run home, dizzy & happy.
I wish I could remember my reaction when they finally packed up & went. I'm sure I've ridden Tilt-A-Whirls since, but I know I've never enjoyed them as much as that time. It may seem a lonesome memory - my little brother had no interest in going with me, & probably "told" on me to my mother, to whom I doubtless promised I'd never do it again - but many of my happiest childhood memories were just me & my mind discovering what we loved in the world.
* I talked about my love of merry-go-rounds on this page here.
** Usually the carnival was deserted so I was the only person in a car, but a couple of times I had to ride with others, & usually they made the ride more crappy. I had figured out how to get a decent spin started, but others had not. & some, of course, were scared of getting sick.
Bonus! Here's a picture of a Tilt-A-Whirl!
Every day for the week or two that the carnival was there, I would take the money I saved by skipping lunch & spend it on rides on the carnival's Tilt-A-Whirl. Tickets were a quarter, or maybe fifty cents, & in those days my mother gave my little brother & me a dollar each for lunch. (I think the school lunch was 85 cents with fifteen cents for a carton of milk or juice.) So I'd get either four or two rides - seriously, barely ten or fifteen minutes worth of fun - but it meant the world to me. The carnival was around the corner from where I lived, so I'd run there after school, ride the ride (I don't think there was ever a problem of my age or height - most probably the carnies didn't care), & then run home, dizzy & happy.
I wish I could remember my reaction when they finally packed up & went. I'm sure I've ridden Tilt-A-Whirls since, but I know I've never enjoyed them as much as that time. It may seem a lonesome memory - my little brother had no interest in going with me, & probably "told" on me to my mother, to whom I doubtless promised I'd never do it again - but many of my happiest childhood memories were just me & my mind discovering what we loved in the world.
* I talked about my love of merry-go-rounds on this page here.
** Usually the carnival was deserted so I was the only person in a car, but a couple of times I had to ride with others, & usually they made the ride more crappy. I had figured out how to get a decent spin started, but others had not. & some, of course, were scared of getting sick.
Bonus! Here's a picture of a Tilt-A-Whirl!
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Okay, That Last Entry?
I changed my mind. I've posted this week's Dickenbock Electronics where it ought to be on a Saturday like this over at self help radio dot net. Moody robots all over the world would rejoice - if only they had emotion chips. But if we gave them emotion chips, what would happen next is - well, you've seen the Terminator movies. Or at the very least, Knight Rider.
Go & listen! It's ninety minutes of delicious electronica. & very little me. I was sleepy when I made the show.
Go & listen! It's ninety minutes of delicious electronica. & very little me. I was sleepy when I made the show.
This Week's Dickenbock Electronics...
...will be posted tomorrow. The day was lovely & I was lazy. Also, a little hungover. Though that's never stopped me before!
I bet you thought I was going to say it would be pre-empted for a week. That's if you thought about it at all. Which you didn't. Well, I didn't. I am delaying it temporarily. I have other things to do.
I must go shopping now. For soda & socks. I'll let you know when the show is available for your listening pleasure. Or, as the case may be, for your shunning pleasure. I understand both. Sometimes the most fun thing to do is to shun. In a sense, I am shunning now. Although "shirking" is more what I'm doing. Shirking my work. When shunning is fun.
Something like that.
I bet you thought I was going to say it would be pre-empted for a week. That's if you thought about it at all. Which you didn't. Well, I didn't. I am delaying it temporarily. I have other things to do.
I must go shopping now. For soda & socks. I'll let you know when the show is available for your listening pleasure. Or, as the case may be, for your shunning pleasure. I understand both. Sometimes the most fun thing to do is to shun. In a sense, I am shunning now. Although "shirking" is more what I'm doing. Shirking my work. When shunning is fun.
Something like that.
Friday, October 01, 2010
The Best Phone Calls
Any person who's spent more than four hours on the radio - especially if those four hours are at night - will tell you that you get some interesting phone calls when you do a radio show. I can only speak as someone who's done non-commercial radio - I'm certain that there are screeners for commercial radio call-in shows who have great stories to tell, too - but the types of listener feedback one gets ranges from the sweet to the scary.
I will share one that happened this week during Sugar Substitute. If you've heard my shows - & I wouldn't expect you to have, especially if you like good radio - you may note that I do take requests. I like phone calls. I like to know someone's listening. So Tuesday morning - this would have been very early, before 4am, I get a call. It goes something like this:
"Hey, I'm sitting here trying to make love to my lady & she wants to hear something by the Magnetic Fields."
I ask if it's anything specific - mainly because I really don't think of the Magnetic Fields as "sexy." "Sad" & "romantic" do come to mind...
"I know," he says, "some of their songs are sarcastic but if there's anything you can play that will help my seal the deal..."
I promise to do what I can. I have the first disc of "69 Love Songs" & am thinking about playing something sad but lovely like "All My Little Words" when the title of the ninth track just leapt out at me. So, when I could, which was about two songs later, I played "Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits."
He didn't call back. I assumed it did the trick.
I will share one that happened this week during Sugar Substitute. If you've heard my shows - & I wouldn't expect you to have, especially if you like good radio - you may note that I do take requests. I like phone calls. I like to know someone's listening. So Tuesday morning - this would have been very early, before 4am, I get a call. It goes something like this:
"Hey, I'm sitting here trying to make love to my lady & she wants to hear something by the Magnetic Fields."
I ask if it's anything specific - mainly because I really don't think of the Magnetic Fields as "sexy." "Sad" & "romantic" do come to mind...
"I know," he says, "some of their songs are sarcastic but if there's anything you can play that will help my seal the deal..."
I promise to do what I can. I have the first disc of "69 Love Songs" & am thinking about playing something sad but lovely like "All My Little Words" when the title of the ninth track just leapt out at me. So, when I could, which was about two songs later, I played "Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits."
He didn't call back. I assumed it did the trick.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Eep! New Show!
Yes, this week's episode of Self Help Radio (as well as this week's episode of Sugar Substitute) are now available for listening at self help radio dot net. Consult your local augurs for ramifications. & be good to yourself!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Whither Indiepop A To Z # 29?
This is in no wise a complaint, but I am now involved with a radio station which (rightly) reports its charts to chart-compiling authorities, but that means that, for the pleasure of doing Self Help Radio with impunity (ie, ninety minutes without requirements) I do have to fulfill the station's "playbox" directives whilst doing Sugar Substitute. This is sort of a bummer, because the previous radio station with which I was involved - well, their focus was not on music at all, & their music department was in disarray, not having had a real music director in almost a year. (&, well, the one they got was more interested in sports anyway) - so I could easily play whatever I wanted & that meant this:
When I did the Indiepop A To Z, I could "spill over" into Sugar Substitute so I tore through the list faster. But, alas! No more!
Yes, I will have to slow to a crawl again, for Sugar Substitute (which is of course new tomorrow) must needs also prominently feature new WRFL playbox material as well as my own pop choices, & there'll just be ninety minutes of Indiepop A To Z tomorrow. We're still in the Fs, but we are making a dent.
Listen! Tomorrow morning! 88.1 fm! Very early! Sugar Substitute at 3am! Self Help Radio at 4:30am! Online at wrfl.fm! Archived sometime later at selfhelpradio.net!
When I did the Indiepop A To Z, I could "spill over" into Sugar Substitute so I tore through the list faster. But, alas! No more!
Yes, I will have to slow to a crawl again, for Sugar Substitute (which is of course new tomorrow) must needs also prominently feature new WRFL playbox material as well as my own pop choices, & there'll just be ninety minutes of Indiepop A To Z tomorrow. We're still in the Fs, but we are making a dent.
Listen! Tomorrow morning! 88.1 fm! Very early! Sugar Substitute at 3am! Self Help Radio at 4:30am! Online at wrfl.fm! Archived sometime later at selfhelpradio.net!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 29: Did I Just Plan This Because I Was On Vacation?
Maybe. But it wasn't really a vacation. I was visiting the family.
But it's true, since the "indiepop a to z" process is simply creating an alphabetical list & following it, it's not really as challenging as, you know, coming up with a theme like "serial killer sonatas" - & then having to find an ample amount of songs that cover the theme.
No, I'm not doing a show about "serial killer sonatas." There's no such thing.
I did daydream on the plane about two things. One is that I might find myself living, in a few years, on a planet without frogs & bees. That describes every other planet in our solar system, but it's a little disturbing for this particular planet.
Also, I have lately wanted to write two particular novels. ("Wanted" is a strong word.) One is a sci-fi novel about people living inside human brains. The other is a fictionalized version of some somewhat exciting stuff that happened at a radio station I used to be involved with. It occurred to me while I was trying to fall asleep on the plane ride home that I could combine the two. Beings in brains sabotaging a non-commercial radio station's pledge drive?! Now that would be gripping reading!
I actually finished a novel (reading) on the plane, Lorrie Moore's new book. It was (as expected) rather sad & amazingly funny & I wish I had more of it to read. Did I ever tell you, I wanted (a long time ago, after I read her book "Anagrams") to write her a gushy fanboy email but couldn't find an address for her online? It turns out that she teaches somewhere - the University of Wisconsin at Madison I think - & all I discovered was an office phone. So I waited until the middle of one afternoon & called her up. When a woman answered, I just quickly said "I love you!" & hung up.
The last part of that isn't true. I never called her. Long ago I stopped wanting to chat with people I admired. Somehow they're uncomfortable with my wide-eyed love of their work. They expect me to be cool or something. Like regular people do.
I've missed talking to you! Okay, I'm back now. What were we going on about?
But it's true, since the "indiepop a to z" process is simply creating an alphabetical list & following it, it's not really as challenging as, you know, coming up with a theme like "serial killer sonatas" - & then having to find an ample amount of songs that cover the theme.
No, I'm not doing a show about "serial killer sonatas." There's no such thing.
I did daydream on the plane about two things. One is that I might find myself living, in a few years, on a planet without frogs & bees. That describes every other planet in our solar system, but it's a little disturbing for this particular planet.
Also, I have lately wanted to write two particular novels. ("Wanted" is a strong word.) One is a sci-fi novel about people living inside human brains. The other is a fictionalized version of some somewhat exciting stuff that happened at a radio station I used to be involved with. It occurred to me while I was trying to fall asleep on the plane ride home that I could combine the two. Beings in brains sabotaging a non-commercial radio station's pledge drive?! Now that would be gripping reading!
I actually finished a novel (reading) on the plane, Lorrie Moore's new book. It was (as expected) rather sad & amazingly funny & I wish I had more of it to read. Did I ever tell you, I wanted (a long time ago, after I read her book "Anagrams") to write her a gushy fanboy email but couldn't find an address for her online? It turns out that she teaches somewhere - the University of Wisconsin at Madison I think - & all I discovered was an office phone. So I waited until the middle of one afternoon & called her up. When a woman answered, I just quickly said "I love you!" & hung up.
The last part of that isn't true. I never called her. Long ago I stopped wanting to chat with people I admired. Somehow they're uncomfortable with my wide-eyed love of their work. They expect me to be cool or something. Like regular people do.
I've missed talking to you! Okay, I'm back now. What were we going on about?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A Morning's Worth Of Mambo
There were ninety minutes of mambo madness this morning on Self Help Radio. Did you miss it? Don't worry! The show in its tireless entirety is now available for your listening pleasure - hip injuries notwithstanding - at self help radio dot net. If you're just feeling poppy, there's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute. So much goodness, such an old-school website.
I will be visiting family in Dallas for the rest of the week so you won't hear hide nor hair from me until Sunday at the earliest. That means this week's Dickenbock Electronics has been delayed for a week, so it'll happen next weekend. Self Help Radio will be on next Tuesday though, so don't fret. Just have a wonderful week!
I will be visiting family in Dallas for the rest of the week so you won't hear hide nor hair from me until Sunday at the earliest. That means this week's Dickenbock Electronics has been delayed for a week, so it'll happen next weekend. Self Help Radio will be on next Tuesday though, so don't fret. Just have a wonderful week!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Whither Mambo?
4:30 in the morning may seems an inappropriate time to discuss a dance & musical style that was popular over sixty years ago. You are wise to suggest that. I have however become painfully aware of certain (shall we call them) rogue elements in our fair city who are determined - nay, resolved - to not march to the beat of the same civic & cultural drum we ourselves use to keep time. I've heard of early morning screenings of late-night talk shows; of impromptu Jazzercise sessions; of kids taken to school in the early evening & made to endure home room at dinner time; & of course, mambo.
They mambo whenever inconvenient: in the line at the jewelry store; in the corner of your eye when you're enjoying too much Chinese food at a buffet; on national television during the news or any car commercial after ten p.m.; with friendly police officers who don't know any better; on a Thursday night in the privacy of their own backyards.
You see, 4:30 am may be the only time to expose these anarchists, these agents of chaos, these exceedingly silly folk.
& I shall. Tune in to Self Help Radio tomorrow morning at 4:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL. You can listen online. You can also enjoy the show later that day on self help radio dot net.
It will be part exposé, part cultural commentary. But a lot of it will just be mambo.
They mambo whenever inconvenient: in the line at the jewelry store; in the corner of your eye when you're enjoying too much Chinese food at a buffet; on national television during the news or any car commercial after ten p.m.; with friendly police officers who don't know any better; on a Thursday night in the privacy of their own backyards.
You see, 4:30 am may be the only time to expose these anarchists, these agents of chaos, these exceedingly silly folk.
& I shall. Tune in to Self Help Radio tomorrow morning at 4:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL. You can listen online. You can also enjoy the show later that day on self help radio dot net.
It will be part exposé, part cultural commentary. But a lot of it will just be mambo.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Preface To Mambo: Can YOU Mambo?
I can't. In fact, at this late date, mere days before I do a radio show about the mambo, I still am not quite sure what a mambo is. There just seemed to be, you know, so many songs about mambos - or songs that were mambos - out there. I figured I'd catch on at some point.
I haven't done any research yet - really, I don't do much research at all, but even so - so I wonder if the "mambo" as a dance is related to the "mamba" as a snake. Or if the two of them have a similar origin.
Can you imagine this fellow dancing to Latin rhythms?
(I can!)
I haven't done any research yet - really, I don't do much research at all, but even so - so I wonder if the "mambo" as a dance is related to the "mamba" as a snake. Or if the two of them have a similar origin.
Can you imagine this fellow dancing to Latin rhythms?
(I can!)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Zeke Three
Ayep, the Zeke Moonshine Show's Third Episode is now available for your down-home listening pleasure over at selfhelpradio dot net. It features the finest in country & blues & country blues & even some sanctified music. It also features a poorly-disguised "Gary" as "Zeke Moonshine" talking in the worst Southern accent you've ever heard. Really, it'd be terrible if the music weren't so fine. Have a listen. Who's it gonna hurt? At selfhelpradio dot net. Now. Saddle up!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Stumpy
I just sent, in an email to a friend, this line:
> Actually, I tried to take her [my basically feral cat Beatrice] but instead lost
> the pinky on my left hand. Now people can call me "stumpy" for something
> other than my small, misshapen penis!
What does it say about me that I would share such a thing?
Except that I think it's a pretty funny joke?
> Actually, I tried to take her [my basically feral cat Beatrice] but instead lost
> the pinky on my left hand. Now people can call me "stumpy" for something
> other than my small, misshapen penis!
What does it say about me that I would share such a thing?
Except that I think it's a pretty funny joke?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Off... In The Distance... A Radio Show!
In the distance you see the new episode of Self Help Radio. You'll want to keep your distance. Surely it cannot possibly go the distance. Yet as your distance yourself, you think perhaps you could handle a long distance relationship with the show. Although those never work. & now, with a distant look in your eyes, you stare off into the middle distance, wondering why the show & you seem so distant from one another...
Though it feels like it happened in the distant past, this morning's episode of Self Help Radio - which, despite what you heard, wasn't a tribute to crinkly things, but rather about distance - just happened. & you may have been too far away (or too aloof) to listen to it live, but you can hear it now at selfhelpradio.net. It's waiting there for you, no matter what distances you must travel to get to it.
There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute, but it's not as pretentious as that other show.
Though it feels like it happened in the distant past, this morning's episode of Self Help Radio - which, despite what you heard, wasn't a tribute to crinkly things, but rather about distance - just happened. & you may have been too far away (or too aloof) to listen to it live, but you can hear it now at selfhelpradio.net. It's waiting there for you, no matter what distances you must travel to get to it.
There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute, but it's not as pretentious as that other show.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Whither Distance?
Right now I am around 860 miles away from the place where I was born. I am about one thousand & seventy miles away from the city where I spent more than half my life - & where I've spent most of my adult life. & I am (gratefully) about 130 miles from the horrible little town in which I spent the past year.
In this hemisphere, I've never been farther north than Boston, nor farther south than Mexico city. Boston is nearly two thousand miles from where I lived at the time, & Mexico City is 750 miles from the same place.
The farthest west I've gone is San Francisco, & the farthest in the other direction is Frankfurt, Germany. Right now the love of my life is very far away from me, in Kyoto, Japan, although I can chat with her on Skype & she sounds clearer than when she's yelling at me in the next room.
How far away are you from me? One of the nice things about WRFL is that you can listen anywhere (as long as you have access to a computer). So if you're awake at whatever time it is where you are, you can listen to Self Help Radio tomorrow, it's on at 4:30 am my time.
& one day, the radio waves that WRFL is sending out may travel vast distances in space & landing on alien ears - or however they are able to interpret the noise we're making.
In this hemisphere, I've never been farther north than Boston, nor farther south than Mexico city. Boston is nearly two thousand miles from where I lived at the time, & Mexico City is 750 miles from the same place.
The farthest west I've gone is San Francisco, & the farthest in the other direction is Frankfurt, Germany. Right now the love of my life is very far away from me, in Kyoto, Japan, although I can chat with her on Skype & she sounds clearer than when she's yelling at me in the next room.
How far away are you from me? One of the nice things about WRFL is that you can listen anywhere (as long as you have access to a computer). So if you're awake at whatever time it is where you are, you can listen to Self Help Radio tomorrow, it's on at 4:30 am my time.
& one day, the radio waves that WRFL is sending out may travel vast distances in space & landing on alien ears - or however they are able to interpret the noise we're making.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Preface To Distance: You're So Far Away
Hey. You. Can you hear me? No? You're so far away.
I said YOU'RE SO FAR AWAY!
As I've gotten older, my voice - which admittedly got deeper - also got quieter. I don't really like to shout or yell. But I was a loud kid.
I said I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO MY BLOG.
I wonder why you're so far away anyway. It seems like a bad idea. Distance, distance seems so pervasive in this universe that it doesn't make any sense why people try to get so far away from one another.
Or maybe it does. For the same reasons.
I said I'M JUST TALKING TO MYSELF. IF YOU WANT TO TALK, COME OVER HERE!
Do you know, I moved from a dying little hamlet to an actual town? It is a town full of hospitals & churches & (perhaps as a result of the first two) sirens. There are sirens all the time. I have yet to witness an accident of any kind, but I hear sirens all the time. Do you know what's going on?
I said DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON? WAS IT AN AMBULANCE OR A FIRE ENGINE?
Oh for Pete's sake.
I used to have a dream - a nightmare really - when I was a kid & more attached to my mother - that involved me getting separated from my mother - usually on some kind of island or a cliff - where she would be on the other side - & we'd be getting farther & farther apart - it was the distance that would be so terrifying. Later on, after I kind of realized my mother was full of shit, & didn't need her any more, the dream would be just me, all alone, being aware of the vastness of everything, & I'd be separate from it all, & it would seem almost exponential the way the distance would increase. Leaving me more & more alone.
I had a similar version of that dream just the other day, but it was more about time, & it was my brain taunting me about trying to get to sleep.
I said I HAD A SIMILAR oh. You're right here now!
I said YOU'RE SO FAR AWAY!
As I've gotten older, my voice - which admittedly got deeper - also got quieter. I don't really like to shout or yell. But I was a loud kid.
I said I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO MY BLOG.
I wonder why you're so far away anyway. It seems like a bad idea. Distance, distance seems so pervasive in this universe that it doesn't make any sense why people try to get so far away from one another.
Or maybe it does. For the same reasons.
I said I'M JUST TALKING TO MYSELF. IF YOU WANT TO TALK, COME OVER HERE!
Do you know, I moved from a dying little hamlet to an actual town? It is a town full of hospitals & churches & (perhaps as a result of the first two) sirens. There are sirens all the time. I have yet to witness an accident of any kind, but I hear sirens all the time. Do you know what's going on?
I said DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON? WAS IT AN AMBULANCE OR A FIRE ENGINE?
Oh for Pete's sake.
I used to have a dream - a nightmare really - when I was a kid & more attached to my mother - that involved me getting separated from my mother - usually on some kind of island or a cliff - where she would be on the other side - & we'd be getting farther & farther apart - it was the distance that would be so terrifying. Later on, after I kind of realized my mother was full of shit, & didn't need her any more, the dream would be just me, all alone, being aware of the vastness of everything, & I'd be separate from it all, & it would seem almost exponential the way the distance would increase. Leaving me more & more alone.
I had a similar version of that dream just the other day, but it was more about time, & it was my brain taunting me about trying to get to sleep.
I said I HAD A SIMILAR oh. You're right here now!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
What? More Jazz?
Yes, it's Saturday again, so it's time for another of my rotating Saturday shows. There are only three, of course, but wouldn't it be awesome if I had a giant Price-Is-Right-ish wheel I spun on Saturday morning that had a dozen different genres & I had to make a radio show that day using only that genre? That would be fun! I shouldn't even think about it.
No, today is my jazz show, now in its third episode, it's called "Tags & Tricks," & today features mostly modern stuff from the likes of Cecil Taylor, Sun Ra, & more. You can listen to it at selfhelpradio.net. It might make you hipper.
Okay, it won't make you hipper.
I shouldn't say such things.
No, today is my jazz show, now in its third episode, it's called "Tags & Tricks," & today features mostly modern stuff from the likes of Cecil Taylor, Sun Ra, & more. You can listen to it at selfhelpradio.net. It might make you hipper.
Okay, it won't make you hipper.
I shouldn't say such things.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Fire Blimp!
He let himself get depressed only when he had had one too many. That was the point of no return. Or maybe, let's say, it was the point of the farthest the boomerang would go until it came back. It went too far. That was the point. At the edge of its limits, where it might actually be free, then, then, it could be honest.
He knew he'd return to her despite the honesty of the drink. He had taken college psychology, he paid attention, he knew which of his feelings were bullshit & which were real. He also knew he had had some kind of dumbass economical attitude about his relationship, which was, "I have invested this much, it would be ridiculous to squander such an investment with fill-in-the-blank." His equation, of course, was never divided by the circumstance, which was: "I am unhappy all the time."
At what point might she cross the line, do something so incredibly perverse & selfish to make him fall, like a broken boomerang, where it was thrown? He thought about that often. He actually daydreamed about it. He wondered if she were even that calculating, or if her own innate selfishness would eventually reach that event horizon.
It would free him. It would make the decision for him.
Or would it?
He knew he'd return to her despite the honesty of the drink. He had taken college psychology, he paid attention, he knew which of his feelings were bullshit & which were real. He also knew he had had some kind of dumbass economical attitude about his relationship, which was, "I have invested this much, it would be ridiculous to squander such an investment with fill-in-the-blank." His equation, of course, was never divided by the circumstance, which was: "I am unhappy all the time."
At what point might she cross the line, do something so incredibly perverse & selfish to make him fall, like a broken boomerang, where it was thrown? He thought about that often. He actually daydreamed about it. He wondered if she were even that calculating, or if her own innate selfishness would eventually reach that event horizon.
It would free him. It would make the decision for him.
Or would it?
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Drag Yourself To Self Help Radio
The show about dragging - including being in drag, taking drags from all sorts of smokeable items, & drag racing on the main drag - was not only a drag, but may drag you down with it. If you find yourself curious or you're feeling otherwise reckless, you can listen to the show at selfhelpradio.net. You don't need to cast a dragnet over the area to find it. It has done no wrong. It will come if you want it.
There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute, which is not any less of a drag, although there's a lot of birthday wishes to Buddy Holly. Just so you know.
There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute, which is not any less of a drag, although there's a lot of birthday wishes to Buddy Holly. Just so you know.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Whither Drag?
Because drag has a ton of meanings! It can mean at least seven different things. (At last count.) & each of the things it means, altogether, weigh two thousand pounds. Really! It can be a verb or a noun or even a part of speech that hasn't maybe been invented yet. The possibilities are endless. Or the possibilities can take ninety minutes. Whichever comes first. Or goes last. Or goes to last, coming in first. That's how remarkable that word is.
My cat thinks I don't know that he sleeps on my desk in front of my computer when I'm not home but I know he does because he leaves hair everywhere. He thinks he's so smart. Now I have tiny black cat hairs on my keyboard. & since I like to lick my fingers when I type, now they're all over my mouth, too.
I know, the show is happening soon! Like, later tonight soon! I don't go to sleep on Mondays because I don't think I'd wake up on Tuesday mornings in time for the show. That's kind of a drag. But the show isn't. Except, you know, this week.
So listen tomorrow morning for Sugar Substitute at 3am & Self Help Radio yawning at 4:30 am! You can listen on the air in Lexington at 88.1 fm or you can listen online at wrfl.fm. I edit out all the embarrassing parts (like when I say "booger") when I put the show up at selfhelpradio.net, so listening live is the only way to know what really happened.
Must I always have to drag you to my radio shows? Arggh!
My cat thinks I don't know that he sleeps on my desk in front of my computer when I'm not home but I know he does because he leaves hair everywhere. He thinks he's so smart. Now I have tiny black cat hairs on my keyboard. & since I like to lick my fingers when I type, now they're all over my mouth, too.
I know, the show is happening soon! Like, later tonight soon! I don't go to sleep on Mondays because I don't think I'd wake up on Tuesday mornings in time for the show. That's kind of a drag. But the show isn't. Except, you know, this week.
So listen tomorrow morning for Sugar Substitute at 3am & Self Help Radio yawning at 4:30 am! You can listen on the air in Lexington at 88.1 fm or you can listen online at wrfl.fm. I edit out all the embarrassing parts (like when I say "booger") when I put the show up at selfhelpradio.net, so listening live is the only way to know what really happened.
Must I always have to drag you to my radio shows? Arggh!
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Preface To Drag: How Do We Know You Don't Always Do Your Shows In Ladies' Clothes?
Short answer: you can't. Though I might sound weird if I'm wearing a miniskirt. Or crinkle more if I am wearing something fancy.
I've actually been in drag before. I played Lady Macbeth in a video for my twelfth grade class. I played her as if she were a Southern Belle. I refused to wear a bra. My sister wanted to let me borrow one of her bras, but I couldn't do it, couldn't wear one of her bras. I did wear one of her ugly dresses, though.
I don't know if I've dressed as a woman since then, although one summer when I was home from college, I was bored & I put on a lot of my sister's make-up. Interestingly, my father - who was of course then alive - came over & saw me all made-up, playing my nephew's video games. I'm sure it just confirmed his opinion that I was one queer kid, but I was actually embarrassed. I wouldn't have been embarrassed with anyone else, I don't believe.
Drag has more meaning than that one, you know.
I've actually been in drag before. I played Lady Macbeth in a video for my twelfth grade class. I played her as if she were a Southern Belle. I refused to wear a bra. My sister wanted to let me borrow one of her bras, but I couldn't do it, couldn't wear one of her bras. I did wear one of her ugly dresses, though.
I don't know if I've dressed as a woman since then, although one summer when I was home from college, I was bored & I put on a lot of my sister's make-up. Interestingly, my father - who was of course then alive - came over & saw me all made-up, playing my nephew's video games. I'm sure it just confirmed his opinion that I was one queer kid, but I was actually embarrassed. I wouldn't have been embarrassed with anyone else, I don't believe.
Drag has more meaning than that one, you know.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
More Information About Robots & Electronic Music
Robots are not afraid of words unless they have been programmed to be. Robots do not use things such as band-aids or bandages. Robots are often defined by their differences to humans. Robots can become quite vain.
I had a lovely brunch today & then made today's episode of Dickenbock Electronics, which features new music from Ital Tek, ISAN, Solvent, & more. It was a very nice show & the robots now all love me. Don't you want the robots to love you? Is that too much to ask?
Please enjoy the show at selfhelpradio.net. The robots who hang out there won't hassle you if you say you're there for the music. Just don't mention if you have any integrated circuits on you. You have been warned.
I had a lovely brunch today & then made today's episode of Dickenbock Electronics, which features new music from Ital Tek, ISAN, Solvent, & more. It was a very nice show & the robots now all love me. Don't you want the robots to love you? Is that too much to ask?
Please enjoy the show at selfhelpradio.net. The robots who hang out there won't hassle you if you say you're there for the music. Just don't mention if you have any integrated circuits on you. You have been warned.
Friday, September 03, 2010
Cartoon Of Movies Of Movie Cartoonists
Sometimes I write things that don't make any sense. Okay, I always write things that don't make any sense. But some of these things seem to begin with purpose, then peter out. For example, this, below. I don't know what I was intending & it's not exactly a parody or satire. Maybe I wrote it with sympathy for the unheralded writers & artists of Disney. Who know? It certainly falls apart soon enough.
-----
Scene: Hollywood, California. A bungalow on a movie lot. Time: then. Date: now.
A thick pile of night-black cat hair rises up to talk. It's Frisky Feline, star of stage & screen!
Frisky Feline introduces the short documentary film. He's smoking a cigarette on a long diamond-encrusted holder, to signify the wealth he's made in the movies. It's a stark contrast to the terrible working conditions the cartoonists who created him had to slave in!
Scene switches to: a sweatshop in Santa Barbara. Cigar smoke fills the air.
Rows & rows of middle-aged white men in their shirtsleeves lean over their drawing boards, allowed only a pipe or a cigar to calm their grumbling guts. Standing over them, wearing a double-breasted suit, is the Overseer. He wields the pen that signs the checks. He has a giggling blonde tattooed on each arm - but these poor cartoonists will never see.
Scene switches to: wealthy voice-over artists on their palatial estates in the Hollywood hills, getting foreign massages & other bizarre treatments while explaining how they rewrote scripts to suit their talents.
-----
Just to let you know. I have scraps of things like this everywhere. I think people who really write - songs, poems, stories, etc. - save their scraps & find ways to use their ideas in other ways. I just save them. Then I look at them occasionally & go "What the fuck?"
-----
Scene: Hollywood, California. A bungalow on a movie lot. Time: then. Date: now.
A thick pile of night-black cat hair rises up to talk. It's Frisky Feline, star of stage & screen!
Frisky Feline introduces the short documentary film. He's smoking a cigarette on a long diamond-encrusted holder, to signify the wealth he's made in the movies. It's a stark contrast to the terrible working conditions the cartoonists who created him had to slave in!
Scene switches to: a sweatshop in Santa Barbara. Cigar smoke fills the air.
Rows & rows of middle-aged white men in their shirtsleeves lean over their drawing boards, allowed only a pipe or a cigar to calm their grumbling guts. Standing over them, wearing a double-breasted suit, is the Overseer. He wields the pen that signs the checks. He has a giggling blonde tattooed on each arm - but these poor cartoonists will never see.
Scene switches to: wealthy voice-over artists on their palatial estates in the Hollywood hills, getting foreign massages & other bizarre treatments while explaining how they rewrote scripts to suit their talents.
-----
Just to let you know. I have scraps of things like this everywhere. I think people who really write - songs, poems, stories, etc. - save their scraps & find ways to use their ideas in other ways. I just save them. Then I look at them occasionally & go "What the fuck?"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Revenge Of The Obscure Radio Show!
Actually, that should say, "Revenge, this week's theme on that obscure radio show." The obscure radio show is of course Self Help Radio, which you've never heard of & why should you? It's really not that good.
However, if you have some time to kill & you'd like to hear lots of songs about revenge, this radio show would fit your bill. You can listen to it & other eminently time-wasting shows at selfhelpradio.net. It's all very normal.
As normal as revenge.
However, if you have some time to kill & you'd like to hear lots of songs about revenge, this radio show would fit your bill. You can listen to it & other eminently time-wasting shows at selfhelpradio.net. It's all very normal.
As normal as revenge.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Whither Revenge?
It's funny you should ask that. I was having a conversation with someone tonight - let's just say it was my mother, since she's 82 & more or less inoffensive - & she was talking about a friend with whom she's estranged & the desperate need she seems to feel to do something to "pay them back" for a perceived wrong. This wrong, it turns out, is simply disagreeing with her. My mother (hypothetically) can't abide the fact that this friend disagrees with her on how she (my mother, but not really) feels her friend should be living her life.
How would this revenge she desires take place? A sarcastic card seemed to be the weapon of choice. I asked my mother (it wasn't really my mother), "Do you want to stay friends with this person?" She said, yes. But she was angry at her. I said, "Do you think this card you would send with mean stuff written in it would make her realize that you were right & she was wrong, or do you think it would make her not want to speak to you ever again." My mother (who is not the person I am really talking about, I swear) said she thought it would continue the feud. "I guess I'd rather be her friend than hurt her," she said.
I'll bet you she sends the mean card anyway. People are like that.
Oh, & yes, Self Help Radio is on very early Tuesday morning at 4:30 am. You won't be up for it, this I know, & I don't expect you to be, though you can of course hear it live on the 88.1 fm frequency in all of Lexington as well as online at wrfl.fm if you are. If you're like me & I certainly hope you're not that unfortunate, you will wait to hear it some time on Tuesday at selfhelpradio.net. You can download it in secrecy & if anyone asks, just tell them it's porn. That's not as embarrassing.
How would this revenge she desires take place? A sarcastic card seemed to be the weapon of choice. I asked my mother (it wasn't really my mother), "Do you want to stay friends with this person?" She said, yes. But she was angry at her. I said, "Do you think this card you would send with mean stuff written in it would make her realize that you were right & she was wrong, or do you think it would make her not want to speak to you ever again." My mother (who is not the person I am really talking about, I swear) said she thought it would continue the feud. "I guess I'd rather be her friend than hurt her," she said.
I'll bet you she sends the mean card anyway. People are like that.
Oh, & yes, Self Help Radio is on very early Tuesday morning at 4:30 am. You won't be up for it, this I know, & I don't expect you to be, though you can of course hear it live on the 88.1 fm frequency in all of Lexington as well as online at wrfl.fm if you are. If you're like me & I certainly hope you're not that unfortunate, you will wait to hear it some time on Tuesday at selfhelpradio.net. You can download it in secrecy & if anyone asks, just tell them it's porn. That's not as embarrassing.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Preface To Revenge: Why Do You Do Me Wrong?
Revenge is a dish best served over easy.
Seriously, after a day like this, that's all I've got.
Plus, the wife never fills the water bowl. We've got like six animals & I'm always finding the water bowl empty. That's kinda cruel, don't you think? Maybe not Michael Vick cruel, but still. She's not going to win any awards.
Is this mic on? What? Where am I? What have I done?
One ought to be more magnanimous, that's all I meant. You know?
Seriously, after a day like this, that's all I've got.
Plus, the wife never fills the water bowl. We've got like six animals & I'm always finding the water bowl empty. That's kinda cruel, don't you think? Maybe not Michael Vick cruel, but still. She's not going to win any awards.
Is this mic on? What? Where am I? What have I done?
One ought to be more magnanimous, that's all I meant. You know?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Zeke Heads 'Em Off At The Pass
Yessirree rattler, that fictional so-&-so Zeke Moonshine came in outta the prairie today to rustle up some fine ol' country & blues tunes for the second installment of his immodestly-titled series "The Zeke Moonshine Show." He wants you to know that no buffalo were harmed in the recording of this show. He also thinks it may be more sanitary if we provide him with a spittoon during his sessions.
You can listen to his musical adventures at selfhelpradio.net. Before he & his faithful steed Camouflage went off into the sunset, he promised to be back some day, & that then - & only then - would he pay us back what he owes us.
One of our engineers woke up & said, "Who was that backwards-masked man?"
You can listen to his musical adventures at selfhelpradio.net. Before he & his faithful steed Camouflage went off into the sunset, he promised to be back some day, & that then - & only then - would he pay us back what he owes us.
One of our engineers woke up & said, "Who was that backwards-masked man?"
Friday, August 27, 2010
Cats With Asthma & Other Rhyming Memes
She said something not-nice to the flamingo. The flamingo did not hear her.
She decided to try a different approach. The flamingo appeared to be ignoring her.
She wanted to make more noise. But there was a dozen dozing wasps in the nearby trees.
She knew a couple of the wasps, socially. The others might be more disagreeable.
She did however need to mildly insult the flamingo. After all it had said about her.
She had heard from a farmer that the flamingo gossiped about her. It wasn't the first time she had heard this.
She hadn't expected the flamingo to be hard-of-hearing. Nor meaner than a box of hot nails.
She knew she should never become friends with a flamingo. The wasps she knew, for example, had warned her.
She had thought of an excellent put-down with which to insult the flamingo. But the flamingo did not hear her.
She decided to say it louder. This time the flamingo heard her.
She expected the flamingo to lose its temper. But it just said, "Same to you."
She accepted the impasse. Over in the nearby trees, some wasps snickered.
She decided to try a different approach. The flamingo appeared to be ignoring her.
She wanted to make more noise. But there was a dozen dozing wasps in the nearby trees.
She knew a couple of the wasps, socially. The others might be more disagreeable.
She did however need to mildly insult the flamingo. After all it had said about her.
She had heard from a farmer that the flamingo gossiped about her. It wasn't the first time she had heard this.
She hadn't expected the flamingo to be hard-of-hearing. Nor meaner than a box of hot nails.
She knew she should never become friends with a flamingo. The wasps she knew, for example, had warned her.
She had thought of an excellent put-down with which to insult the flamingo. But the flamingo did not hear her.
She decided to say it louder. This time the flamingo heard her.
She expected the flamingo to lose its temper. But it just said, "Same to you."
She accepted the impasse. Over in the nearby trees, some wasps snickered.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
It Was A Pleasure Then
Well, it was. Although I didn't play that song. Which I wanted to, but it's eight minutes long. So I chose to play long Roxy Music & Phil Ochs songs instead.
Yes, Self Help Radio's first "normal" slot of the fall was a pleasurable show all about pleasure. I pleasured myself during the entire show. Wait. Did I really say that?
You can listen to the show at selfhelpradio.net. It is my pleasure to offer such pleasure to you.
Thanks for listening!
Yes, Self Help Radio's first "normal" slot of the fall was a pleasurable show all about pleasure. I pleasured myself during the entire show. Wait. Did I really say that?
You can listen to the show at selfhelpradio.net. It is my pleasure to offer such pleasure to you.
Thanks for listening!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Whither Pleasure?
It is a PLEASURE to do radio.
It is a PLEASURE to be on WRFL.
It is a PLEASURE to be able to do as ridiculous show as Self Help Radio.
It is a PLEASURE to be on the air every Tuesday morning from 3 to 6am!
It is a PLEASURE to split that time between Sugar Substitute & Self Help Radio!
It is a PLEASURE to know you're listening. If you're listening. Won't you listen?
It is a PLEASURE to be on WRFL.
It is a PLEASURE to be able to do as ridiculous show as Self Help Radio.
It is a PLEASURE to be on the air every Tuesday morning from 3 to 6am!
It is a PLEASURE to split that time between Sugar Substitute & Self Help Radio!
It is a PLEASURE to know you're listening. If you're listening. Won't you listen?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Preface To Pleasure: Early Morning Beginnings
As you well know, I am beginning anew at a new radio station, the wonderful WRFL, which is at 88.1 on the fm dial in Lexington. Since I am beginning anew, I urged the powers-that-be (who happens to be a very nice fellow named Matt) to treat me no different from any of the newcomers to the station. He obliged.
So Self Help Radio will have to air sometime during my first official timeslot on WRFL: 3 - 6 am. AM. Ante meridian. In the morning!
I have of course done early morning shows before. I started at KVRX at 5 to 7am, & subbed many early morning slots. During breaks between school, I often did large blocks - midnight to nine am, for example - & loved almost every minute of it. The big issue here isn't the time - I'm happy to do radio even when no one is listening - but when to put Self Help Radio?
Self Help Radio from 3 to 4:30 am would start off the block like I normally do. But surely more people would be listening as they wake from 4:30 to 6 am? Certainly! Okay then!
Because I am a new deejay I am required to fulfill certain charting obligations of the station, so I'll do Sugar Substitute (which is a pop show) from 3 to 4:30 & then Self Help Radio from 4:30 to 6. I know it's early - even in different time zones - so of course I'll understand if you can wake to listen to it live. I'll still archive the shows on selfhelpradio.net. You're off the hook.
& thanks for listening to me work this through in my head.
So Self Help Radio will have to air sometime during my first official timeslot on WRFL: 3 - 6 am. AM. Ante meridian. In the morning!
I have of course done early morning shows before. I started at KVRX at 5 to 7am, & subbed many early morning slots. During breaks between school, I often did large blocks - midnight to nine am, for example - & loved almost every minute of it. The big issue here isn't the time - I'm happy to do radio even when no one is listening - but when to put Self Help Radio?
Self Help Radio from 3 to 4:30 am would start off the block like I normally do. But surely more people would be listening as they wake from 4:30 to 6 am? Certainly! Okay then!
Because I am a new deejay I am required to fulfill certain charting obligations of the station, so I'll do Sugar Substitute (which is a pop show) from 3 to 4:30 & then Self Help Radio from 4:30 to 6. I know it's early - even in different time zones - so of course I'll understand if you can wake to listen to it live. I'll still archive the shows on selfhelpradio.net. You're off the hook.
& thanks for listening to me work this through in my head.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Um, Zeke?
Well, don't that beat all. I ain't heard nothin' from Zeke Moonshine all week long. I'm a-guessin' he ain't gone deliver his show what he promised to deliver this week. Dad burn the sidewinder! It almost makes me wanna throw away my whiskey!
Actually, it's not Zeke's fault, it's mine. Zeke is, after all, fictional. I am also but perhaps less so. I've been subbing shows at WRFL all week & just didn't have the time to commit to doing Zeke's show. I'll do it next Saturday, I promise.
I will be subbing another WRFL show (which you can listen to online) tomorrow night (Sunday) from 8 to 10, just playing tune & having fun. & Self Help Radio's season starts Tuesday!
Doing lots of radio makes me happy but sleepy.
Actually, it's not Zeke's fault, it's mine. Zeke is, after all, fictional. I am also but perhaps less so. I've been subbing shows at WRFL all week & just didn't have the time to commit to doing Zeke's show. I'll do it next Saturday, I promise.
I will be subbing another WRFL show (which you can listen to online) tomorrow night (Sunday) from 8 to 10, just playing tune & having fun. & Self Help Radio's season starts Tuesday!
Doing lots of radio makes me happy but sleepy.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I Have To Get To Bed...
It's been a long week. & it's not over yet.
But you can hear last night's episode of Self Help Radio (all about beds) at selfhelpradio.net. Best if listened to in... Well, you know.
But you can hear last night's episode of Self Help Radio (all about beds) at selfhelpradio.net. Best if listened to in... Well, you know.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
It's That Time Tonight Again!
Yes, Self Help Radio - with this week's theme being "beds" - airs at midnight tonight (Lexington time) on the wonderful WRFL 88.1 fm. It may be the last time I'm on at that time - or at all for the semester, as the new schedule starts on Monday & I am not sure if Self Help Radio has a place on it.
Do listen! Do call!
(Or if you can't, you know, the show'll be on selfhelpradio.net. No worries.)
Do listen! Do call!
(Or if you can't, you know, the show'll be on selfhelpradio.net. No worries.)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Whither Beds?
Truly what is central to every home you have is a bed. It's time, you say, to lie down. What is more natural than a bed? Nor comfy?
Each & every scientists know that beds are absolutely central to the room in which they reside, which you would call a bed-room. Could you keep couch or love seat therein? Perhaps a futon. "Futon" is another language for "bed."
Never never order a bed out of a box nor catalog! Always always to the store to perhaps lie upon nor be supine on proper bed showcase room. Bring ones or ones which you would always share bed, if handy. Testable!
Would you as a human being (no offense) imagine there are lots of songs about bed? You would be corrected! What is more natural & central to your private music collection than a song about beds? Everyone knows the words!
Perhaps you relax on a bed right now. Who shall stop you if you? Just please do not tear the mattress. There are penalties as far as Interpol or whatever the United Nations is now called.
Let's not let the future legislate the beds of tomorrow! Your own blankets are your own, you must not share. You know what is central to your pillows is your head firmly nor gently placed there upon it. It is all right to sleep.
Truly there are beds & their songs are ones you may even hear in the night as you want to sleep!
Each & every scientists know that beds are absolutely central to the room in which they reside, which you would call a bed-room. Could you keep couch or love seat therein? Perhaps a futon. "Futon" is another language for "bed."
Never never order a bed out of a box nor catalog! Always always to the store to perhaps lie upon nor be supine on proper bed showcase room. Bring ones or ones which you would always share bed, if handy. Testable!
Would you as a human being (no offense) imagine there are lots of songs about bed? You would be corrected! What is more natural & central to your private music collection than a song about beds? Everyone knows the words!
Perhaps you relax on a bed right now. Who shall stop you if you? Just please do not tear the mattress. There are penalties as far as Interpol or whatever the United Nations is now called.
Let's not let the future legislate the beds of tomorrow! Your own blankets are your own, you must not share. You know what is central to your pillows is your head firmly nor gently placed there upon it. It is all right to sleep.
Truly there are beds & their songs are ones you may even hear in the night as you want to sleep!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Preface To Beds: Queen Sized Or King Sized?
The bed I brought to Austin with me was basically a kind of army cot, with a thin foam mattress, on a green metal frame. I don't remember if I made the bed every morning before I went to class. Probably. I was pretending to be grown up.
The bed I had in my post-college days was a decent-sized mattress I kept on the floor. I pretty much only gave that up once I started shacking up with the woman I would marry. Although I do believe I did have a box spring under the mattress. I used to keep that bed in my living room, & used the bedroom for storage.
Here's a list of all the types of bed sizes possible (I suppose): Twin, Single, Double, Full, Queen, King, California King, Western King, Eastern King. California King? Why not just call it the Schwartzenegger?
The woman I married takes beds very, very seriously. I don't think I would mind, even in my advanced years, sleeping on a mattress on the floor. For one thing, it removes a potential hiding place for cats. Cats love to hide. They love to hide under beds. I know, it's cruel, to not give cats their hiding places, but I have spent precious hours looking for cats who spitefully did not want to be found. Sometimes, you know, to give them medicine.
I didn't ask how much the current bed I sleep in costs. I didn't pay for it. I also don't know what size it is. It's big enough to comfortably sleep two humans, three dogs, & three cats. If they don't hog the bed. Which they do. & who gets to sleep on a small sliver of bed, nearly falling off, at the edge? You guessed it.
That wouldn't happen with a mattress on the floor!
The bed I had in my post-college days was a decent-sized mattress I kept on the floor. I pretty much only gave that up once I started shacking up with the woman I would marry. Although I do believe I did have a box spring under the mattress. I used to keep that bed in my living room, & used the bedroom for storage.
Here's a list of all the types of bed sizes possible (I suppose): Twin, Single, Double, Full, Queen, King, California King, Western King, Eastern King. California King? Why not just call it the Schwartzenegger?
The woman I married takes beds very, very seriously. I don't think I would mind, even in my advanced years, sleeping on a mattress on the floor. For one thing, it removes a potential hiding place for cats. Cats love to hide. They love to hide under beds. I know, it's cruel, to not give cats their hiding places, but I have spent precious hours looking for cats who spitefully did not want to be found. Sometimes, you know, to give them medicine.
I didn't ask how much the current bed I sleep in costs. I didn't pay for it. I also don't know what size it is. It's big enough to comfortably sleep two humans, three dogs, & three cats. If they don't hog the bed. Which they do. & who gets to sleep on a small sliver of bed, nearly falling off, at the edge? You guessed it.
That wouldn't happen with a mattress on the floor!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Estimated Salesperson
Once upon a shopping mall, somewhere between superstore & broken-down pool hall, the estimated salesperson tallies what you have in your basket to make sure commerce takes place. The classic rock plays not quietly enough until cliched guitar riffs poke your unfeeling brain like acupuncture needles. What would the estimated salesperson do if your eyes started bleeding? Would she then accept your expired coupons?
You were daydreaming in the cereal aisle about bands that you liked getting back together to re-record their best records. It made you think of a date with an ex who had quit drinking in the seven years since you'd last dated. Or maybe the ex had started drinking. In any event, it wasn't the same. You wonder if the estimated salesperson has someone to love. Or if she's as empty as this supermarket is, in an evacuated shopping mall, at three o'clock in the afternoon.
The estimated salesperson is unimpressed that you brought your own bags, & seems to believe that means you have to fill them yourself. At higher-end stores they give your discounts, or donate something to charity. All for the possible petroleum you have saved. You think of a small patch of sky, somewhere over one of the great polluted oceans, air no human being will ever breathe, to which you gave a small reprieve today. You feel a little like the last bright cloud in the sky before sundown. Until the estimated salesperson wants you to pay.
The estimated salesperson looks unfriendly even when she's trying to look friendly. This, you understand, is a definition of unhappiness.
You were daydreaming in the cereal aisle about bands that you liked getting back together to re-record their best records. It made you think of a date with an ex who had quit drinking in the seven years since you'd last dated. Or maybe the ex had started drinking. In any event, it wasn't the same. You wonder if the estimated salesperson has someone to love. Or if she's as empty as this supermarket is, in an evacuated shopping mall, at three o'clock in the afternoon.
The estimated salesperson is unimpressed that you brought your own bags, & seems to believe that means you have to fill them yourself. At higher-end stores they give your discounts, or donate something to charity. All for the possible petroleum you have saved. You think of a small patch of sky, somewhere over one of the great polluted oceans, air no human being will ever breathe, to which you gave a small reprieve today. You feel a little like the last bright cloud in the sky before sundown. Until the estimated salesperson wants you to pay.
The estimated salesperson looks unfriendly even when she's trying to look friendly. This, you understand, is a definition of unhappiness.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
If It Scratches, Itch It!
Hello last night's Self Help Radio all about itching & scratching is online if you missed it on air it's now on the web site selfhelpradio.net it also contains a new episode of Sugar Substitute which also was on the air hey it was the first Self Help Radio on WRFL that's pretty cool don't you think all right then go listen already hooray!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Wait Is Over!
That's right, Self Help Radio returns after two weeks & a day (wouldn't it have been easier to say "fifteen days"?) (hey, at least I didn't say "a fortnight & a day"!) (yeah, we know you were thinking that) & makes its premiere on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington tonight at midnight!
What? You don't live here & can't hear it live? Nonsense! Just listen online at wrfl.fm! You can listen live & even call me (859.257.9735) (that's 859.257.WRFL) to freak me out.
What? You're not up even if it's earlier the farther west you go? Oh, well. I tried. The show will be put online at the Self Help Radio website as soon as I wake up tomorrow. Or as soon as they let me out of the drunk tank. Whatever comes first.
I'm excited. I need to go to the bathroom now.
What? You don't live here & can't hear it live? Nonsense! Just listen online at wrfl.fm! You can listen live & even call me (859.257.9735) (that's 859.257.WRFL) to freak me out.
What? You're not up even if it's earlier the farther west you go? Oh, well. I tried. The show will be put online at the Self Help Radio website as soon as I wake up tomorrow. Or as soon as they let me out of the drunk tank. Whatever comes first.
I'm excited. I need to go to the bathroom now.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Whither Itching & Scratching?
Oops, I just noticed that the Self Help Radio website lists the "itchy scratchy" show as today, August 10, instead of tomorrow, August 11, probably because I left the website in a box & forgot to unpack it. Wouldn't it be confused to learn that the show actually is August 12, since it's at midnight, but I'm not going to play that game with arbitrary definitions of time. It's bad enough that my show has to be in a "timeslot" when it's on the radio - but, enough. I've corrected it now so you can't be all like, "Where was Self Help Radio today?" Not anymore.
I also want to correct the misapprehension that folks at the Literal Club have somehow come upon that Self Help Radio's show this week is in support of or otherwise a proponent of itching &/or scratching. This canard has been & may still be being spread by folks at the Itches Institute who believe it is their sole solemn sworn duty to actively & aggressively promote itching & scratching in our already uncomfortable world. It seems ridiculous to say it over & over, but Self Help Radio critically examines its themes in as objective a way as possible, hardly ever taking sides except perhaps with good music & awkward, uncomfortable airbreaks. Please stop spreading this scuttlebutt or I'll show you how an émigré Texan scuttles butt, if you know what I mean & I think you do.
It means I'll be forced to resort to fisticuffs.
Also, this is a BLOG, this is not TWITTER, so whoever keeps telling me I'm going over 140 characters, please make note of the social network onto which you've logged. Much obliged.
I just counted, actually, & I only know 98 characters, & that includes my pets.
Was there something else I was supposed to talk about today? I am a little sleepy. I should perhaps eat some food. Mmm, food.
I also want to correct the misapprehension that folks at the Literal Club have somehow come upon that Self Help Radio's show this week is in support of or otherwise a proponent of itching &/or scratching. This canard has been & may still be being spread by folks at the Itches Institute who believe it is their sole solemn sworn duty to actively & aggressively promote itching & scratching in our already uncomfortable world. It seems ridiculous to say it over & over, but Self Help Radio critically examines its themes in as objective a way as possible, hardly ever taking sides except perhaps with good music & awkward, uncomfortable airbreaks. Please stop spreading this scuttlebutt or I'll show you how an émigré Texan scuttles butt, if you know what I mean & I think you do.
It means I'll be forced to resort to fisticuffs.
Also, this is a BLOG, this is not TWITTER, so whoever keeps telling me I'm going over 140 characters, please make note of the social network onto which you've logged. Much obliged.
I just counted, actually, & I only know 98 characters, & that includes my pets.
Was there something else I was supposed to talk about today? I am a little sleepy. I should perhaps eat some food. Mmm, food.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Preface To Itchy & Scratchy: A Dilemma Rears Its Irritated Head
At Self Help Radio, we have a mere ninety minutes - much less, really, when you think about how much that fool Gary talks - let's say seventy-five minutes if we're feeling charitable - to try to cover a subject as comprehensively as possible. If the GloboChem Theme-O-Matic 3000 would give more specific themes - you know, like "skin irritation" rather than "itchy & scratchy" - we might be able to be more thorough, possibly even exhausting, about our subjects. But let's be honest, the GloboChem Theme-O-Matic 3000 thinks we're all much stupider than it is, so it lobs soft balls.
With overarching themes - especially "double" themes like "itchy & scratchy" - there's bound to be something left out. & let me tell you, this week - on the show's premiere on Lexington radio! - we're going to find ourselves in a bit of a bind. Because if you mention "scratching" & music in the same sentence you are alluding to one of the cornerstones of hip hop culture. & there's no way Self Help Radio can cover the history of scratching - or even highlight the greats in the field - in just one set. & until an entire show can be called "scratching" - which seems like a good idea right about now, doesn't it GloboChem Theme-O-Matic 3000? - the entire show can't be entirely about scratching when there's also itching right there in the title.
Oh, management is convinced the issue will be handled tastefully & satisfactorily, but they never listen to the show; they just sit in their fat offices counting all the money. By the way, none of that money is made by Self Help Radio - the show is a tax write-off - but they don't need to be as nice as they are. They could be way more dismissive. We sometimes wish they were more dismissive. It might justify some of the show's embarrassment.
We know, you're asking, well, what the hell can I do about? Hmm. Maybe you can answer that better than the staff of Self Help Radio. We're going to go listen to a DJ Q-Bert record now.
With overarching themes - especially "double" themes like "itchy & scratchy" - there's bound to be something left out. & let me tell you, this week - on the show's premiere on Lexington radio! - we're going to find ourselves in a bit of a bind. Because if you mention "scratching" & music in the same sentence you are alluding to one of the cornerstones of hip hop culture. & there's no way Self Help Radio can cover the history of scratching - or even highlight the greats in the field - in just one set. & until an entire show can be called "scratching" - which seems like a good idea right about now, doesn't it GloboChem Theme-O-Matic 3000? - the entire show can't be entirely about scratching when there's also itching right there in the title.
Oh, management is convinced the issue will be handled tastefully & satisfactorily, but they never listen to the show; they just sit in their fat offices counting all the money. By the way, none of that money is made by Self Help Radio - the show is a tax write-off - but they don't need to be as nice as they are. They could be way more dismissive. We sometimes wish they were more dismissive. It might justify some of the show's embarrassment.
We know, you're asking, well, what the hell can I do about? Hmm. Maybe you can answer that better than the staff of Self Help Radio. We're going to go listen to a DJ Q-Bert record now.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
There Are Times I've Been So Lucky...
...to not have had something like a blog. It's true! There have been times & situations where a permanent airing of my thoughts on personal events would have come back to bite me on the ass later on when they were inconsequential or otherwise irrelevant to current events - or they would've been embarrassing at the very least. I can think of two.
One was my first really intense break-up. Man, if I had committed to the blogosphere what I confided to friends I would be reviled & justly mistrusted, not just between the people involved in the break-up, but later women who dated me. Some things one thinks & writes in pain shouldn't be shared. Or at least the names should be changed to protect the guilty.
The other was a difficult situation at KOOP radio. I started my blog two or so years after a serious political crisis at that station, but if I had been writing it during that time - well, I would hope I would have been more prudent about what I said - but in some of those deliberations things were said about me that I might have thought to refute in a blog form. Certainly things like that could be quoted out of context & they would have been. One personal email written by me to one of my antagonists at the time ended with the line, "Thank you, this will be very helpful." An entire blog - even full of the usual nonsense I write - would've been me just spoon-feeding ammunition (that's a weird mixed metaphor) to my political rivals.
The reason I am thinking about this is because, having recently left another radio station, I feel a mighty urge to tell stories about my time there. As you might imagine, some of the stories I would tell would perhaps cast the station in a bad light. I am certain most of the people there wouldn't notice or care if I said something negative about their station, but there's a psychological situation with complaining that makes people think the complainer is the one with the qualities he or she is attributing to the one complained about. Any radio stations in my future would not only have my bitching to look on, & surely that would reflect badly on me.
So I won't. Not in this forum. I've toyed with the idea of writing a book about my experiences at KOOP & maybe one day I will. But there will be no tell-all on this blog. Too scary for me. Too dangerous.
One was my first really intense break-up. Man, if I had committed to the blogosphere what I confided to friends I would be reviled & justly mistrusted, not just between the people involved in the break-up, but later women who dated me. Some things one thinks & writes in pain shouldn't be shared. Or at least the names should be changed to protect the guilty.
The other was a difficult situation at KOOP radio. I started my blog two or so years after a serious political crisis at that station, but if I had been writing it during that time - well, I would hope I would have been more prudent about what I said - but in some of those deliberations things were said about me that I might have thought to refute in a blog form. Certainly things like that could be quoted out of context & they would have been. One personal email written by me to one of my antagonists at the time ended with the line, "Thank you, this will be very helpful." An entire blog - even full of the usual nonsense I write - would've been me just spoon-feeding ammunition (that's a weird mixed metaphor) to my political rivals.
The reason I am thinking about this is because, having recently left another radio station, I feel a mighty urge to tell stories about my time there. As you might imagine, some of the stories I would tell would perhaps cast the station in a bad light. I am certain most of the people there wouldn't notice or care if I said something negative about their station, but there's a psychological situation with complaining that makes people think the complainer is the one with the qualities he or she is attributing to the one complained about. Any radio stations in my future would not only have my bitching to look on, & surely that would reflect badly on me.
So I won't. Not in this forum. I've toyed with the idea of writing a book about my experiences at KOOP & maybe one day I will. But there will be no tell-all on this blog. Too scary for me. Too dangerous.
Saturday, August 07, 2010
The Relocation Has Happened
Yes, gentle listener, Self Help Radio had finally saved up enough for a bus ticket from West Virginia but, instead of going to Hollywood to fulfill its dream of being a movie starlet at a lunch counter, it only had enough nickels to get to Lexington, Kentucky. But that's okay! It's very nice here! There's vegan pizza!
One very nice thing about Lexington, Kentucky, is that it was an awesome college radio, WRFL, & one of the reasons for its awesomeness is that it allows non-students to deejay. & so, I am very happy to announce that Self Help Radio will premiere on 88.1 fm WRFL on Wednesday night (August 11) at midnight. (Technically, it's Thursday morning, August 12, at midnight, but you know how I feel about midnight. Or do you? No? I'll tell you, then: I feel like it's the same day I woke up until I go to sleep unless I stay up past dawn, then it's the next day.) Huzzah! Hooray!
Oh, & you can listen live, if you are so inclined. You should go listen now. You'll love it.
This is only a fill-in position for a couple of weeks but I am hoping to continue in the fall. Cross your fingers for me!
There will also be new episodes of Sugar Substitute following Self Help Radio on the next two Wednesdays. The other shows I do will continue to appear on Saturdays starting next Saturday. There's still a lot of stuff in boxes, you know. Books & stuff. I might also have put the bus I was on in a box. Something does smell like diesel.
Did you hear me say hooray! & also huzzah! Self Help Radio on WRFL! Yippee!
One very nice thing about Lexington, Kentucky, is that it was an awesome college radio, WRFL, & one of the reasons for its awesomeness is that it allows non-students to deejay. & so, I am very happy to announce that Self Help Radio will premiere on 88.1 fm WRFL on Wednesday night (August 11) at midnight. (Technically, it's Thursday morning, August 12, at midnight, but you know how I feel about midnight. Or do you? No? I'll tell you, then: I feel like it's the same day I woke up until I go to sleep unless I stay up past dawn, then it's the next day.) Huzzah! Hooray!
Oh, & you can listen live, if you are so inclined. You should go listen now. You'll love it.
This is only a fill-in position for a couple of weeks but I am hoping to continue in the fall. Cross your fingers for me!
There will also be new episodes of Sugar Substitute following Self Help Radio on the next two Wednesdays. The other shows I do will continue to appear on Saturdays starting next Saturday. There's still a lot of stuff in boxes, you know. Books & stuff. I might also have put the bus I was on in a box. Something does smell like diesel.
Did you hear me say hooray! & also huzzah! Self Help Radio on WRFL! Yippee!
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
I Know, It's Tuesday
But there are boxes of music everywhere & they can't be opened for a new Self Help Radio this week. But they'll be safely taken to Lexington in two days & then, next Tuesday, a new Self Help Radio! Hooray! Huzzah!
What? You didn't even know we were gone? Oh, bother.
What? You didn't even know we were gone? Oh, bother.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Taking A Week Off
Hello, friends. Self Help Radio has finally found a hole in the fence & will be escaping from West Virginia in a matter of days. But that escape will allow the show only to carry a few songs, for even though we're not going far - just a hundred miles west to Lexington, Kentucky - we can't carry everything we need to make a radio show. No, we'll have to forage for it once we're there.
So the next Self Help Radio show will happen a week from Tuesday. As for the extra shows - like Tags & Tricks, which was supposed to happen tomorrow - that will happen two weeks from tomorrow.
Keep your eyes on this blog for furtive developments. I mean, further. Further developments. Furtively.
So the next Self Help Radio show will happen a week from Tuesday. As for the extra shows - like Tags & Tricks, which was supposed to happen tomorrow - that will happen two weeks from tomorrow.
Keep your eyes on this blog for furtive developments. I mean, further. Further developments. Furtively.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A Parting Guest
It's by James Whitcomb Riley!
WHAT delightful hosts are they—
Life & Love!
Lingeringly I turn away,
This late hour, yet glad enough
They have not withheld from me
Their high hospitality.
So, with face lit with delight
& all gratitude, I stay
Yet to press their hands & say,
"Thanks.—So fine a time! Good night."
Riley wrote that after listening to this week's Self Help Radio (only he did it sometime in the late 19th century - don't ask me how) (ask Doctor Who how!) which you can listen to like an old poet at selfhelpradio.net!
Be my guest. Really. Be my guest!
WHAT delightful hosts are they—
Life & Love!
Lingeringly I turn away,
This late hour, yet glad enough
They have not withheld from me
Their high hospitality.
So, with face lit with delight
& all gratitude, I stay
Yet to press their hands & say,
"Thanks.—So fine a time! Good night."
Riley wrote that after listening to this week's Self Help Radio (only he did it sometime in the late 19th century - don't ask me how) (ask Doctor Who how!) which you can listen to like an old poet at selfhelpradio.net!
Be my guest. Really. Be my guest!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Whither Be My Guest?
Hello! You're here for the party, I see. I must ask: do you know the rules? The Guest Rules?
They are available all over the place, but I will freely share them with you as I freely share my home.
Rule number one: did I invite you here? I did! Was it a formal invitation? It was! Did you RSVP?
Oh, you don't know what that means. It's French, the initials for "répondez s'il vous plaît." It means, "Respond, please," or, in the colloquial, "write back, bitch!"
So, you didn't. I see. Because you didn't know.
Well, why bother with the other rules if you're not going to follow the first? Jeez, who doesn't know what RSVP means? Get out! GET OUT!
Because I can't follow the Host Rules if you're too lazy to follow the Guest Rules.
I will keep this bottle of wine you brought as well as the spinach artichoke dip. I can't stand these chips, though. Too salty. Ick.
Next time follow the Guest Rules! You've only yourself to blame!
They are available all over the place, but I will freely share them with you as I freely share my home.
Rule number one: did I invite you here? I did! Was it a formal invitation? It was! Did you RSVP?
Oh, you don't know what that means. It's French, the initials for "répondez s'il vous plaît." It means, "Respond, please," or, in the colloquial, "write back, bitch!"
So, you didn't. I see. Because you didn't know.
Well, why bother with the other rules if you're not going to follow the first? Jeez, who doesn't know what RSVP means? Get out! GET OUT!
Because I can't follow the Host Rules if you're too lazy to follow the Guest Rules.
I will keep this bottle of wine you brought as well as the spinach artichoke dip. I can't stand these chips, though. Too salty. Ick.
Next time follow the Guest Rules! You've only yourself to blame!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Preface To Be My Guest: Please Listen To Dickenbock Electronics!
It's true! I finally put Saturday's episode of Dickenbock Electronics on the Self Help Radio website for your listening enjoyments. You may visit selfhelpradio.net to listen to your heart's content.
Hey! There's new stuff from Mount Kimbie & James Blake & Baths & Walls. There's old stuff from Child's View & Console & Fila Brazillia. Someone wanted to hear Front 242 so I played Front 242. That's the kind of show it was. It is. It's there! For you!
Or are you like me & just totally freaked out about tonight's True Blood. I mean, my gosh!
Hey! There's new stuff from Mount Kimbie & James Blake & Baths & Walls. There's old stuff from Child's View & Console & Fila Brazillia. Someone wanted to hear Front 242 so I played Front 242. That's the kind of show it was. It is. It's there! For you!
Or are you like me & just totally freaked out about tonight's True Blood. I mean, my gosh!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Today's Dickenbock Electronics...
...will be posted some time tomorrow. I had a busy day.
Bleep beep boop boop.
Bleep beep boop boop.
Friday, July 23, 2010
A Blog Reminisces: When I Was 900
Bunny, you're a weirdo. Someone asked me to write a song in the middle of dinner, so I used snatches of conversation for lines 2 & 6 & for an unusually large portion of the chorus. Then I proceeded to inform the guest panel that I, indeed, helped write the controversial lyrics for the Will Smith song which contain the profound lines, "You saw my blinker, bitch."
Is it cosplay if you dress like Donny & I dress like Marie? Someone told me the best way to enjoy ackee & saltfish is not to eat the saltfish & to compliment the ackee. No, ackee fruit is not tacky fruit. You're thinking of mangoes. What fruit have you not eaten nor heard of? There is a remarkable amount of fruit on this planet, you certainly can't have tried them all.
In Proverbs, you might read, "Pride goeth before destruction, & an haughty spirit before a fall." Then you might think "AN haughty"? That's very British. Don't the British often fail to pronounce their aitches? Like they say "ello" & "ospital" & "omoseuxal"? Then wouldn't that read, in King James English, "a naughty spirit"? Is a haughty spirit always a naughty spirit? Who's translating whom here?
Can I raise half a glass (I drank the other half already) for 900 blog posts on this worthless blog? Let me put it another way. Is it at all possible any of you never-sober Onanists - who can't be bothered to even pretend to care at this point about my self-indulgent radio flights of fancy - would mind if I made a meaningless toast to a meaningless achievement at this point in the alcoholic proceedings? If so, please, might I suggest that you venture outside to play a game of hide-&-go-fuck-yourself? If not, then, hooray! A toast to 900 entries on this blog! May the fates be kind & not make me write 900 more!
Is it cosplay if you dress like Donny & I dress like Marie? Someone told me the best way to enjoy ackee & saltfish is not to eat the saltfish & to compliment the ackee. No, ackee fruit is not tacky fruit. You're thinking of mangoes. What fruit have you not eaten nor heard of? There is a remarkable amount of fruit on this planet, you certainly can't have tried them all.
In Proverbs, you might read, "Pride goeth before destruction, & an haughty spirit before a fall." Then you might think "AN haughty"? That's very British. Don't the British often fail to pronounce their aitches? Like they say "ello" & "ospital" & "omoseuxal"? Then wouldn't that read, in King James English, "a naughty spirit"? Is a haughty spirit always a naughty spirit? Who's translating whom here?
Can I raise half a glass (I drank the other half already) for 900 blog posts on this worthless blog? Let me put it another way. Is it at all possible any of you never-sober Onanists - who can't be bothered to even pretend to care at this point about my self-indulgent radio flights of fancy - would mind if I made a meaningless toast to a meaningless achievement at this point in the alcoholic proceedings? If so, please, might I suggest that you venture outside to play a game of hide-&-go-fuck-yourself? If not, then, hooray! A toast to 900 entries on this blog! May the fates be kind & not make me write 900 more!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A Life Underlived
Weird "milestones" like writing almost 900 blog posts make me think about the things I don't do or accomplish more than the things that I have done or plan to do. For example: when you log on to Blogger, it gives you a screen which lists all the blog you "subscribe" to or "follow." Wanna know how many I am subscribed to? None. Nada. The blogs I read regularly are bookmarked on my browser, so I don't have to log on to Blogger to find them. It may seem a ridiculously small thing, but it saves me that one step.
But it does mean I exist outside whatever community could possibly be created by being a "follower" of a blog. You know, they might notice that I like their blog, & return the compliment. Or someone who likes one of the blogs I like might notice this blog. There are always good reasons to dip one's toe into the lukewarm pool of human interaction, not the least of which is to alert folks who might not know that there's something called Self Help Radio which isn't a self-help radio show at all.
I just don't do that. I have a myspace page & a Facebook page & of course the selfhelpradio.net website & this blog & really I don't do much else. Some might say what I already do is a lot - other, more popular radio shows don't even bother. But if I were an up & coming band, this would be the bare bones of what I'd do to promote myself. & I'm not up & coming. I'm down & going.
The blog thing is pretty easy to maintain & write in, & it doesn't smack of crass hype. (That's a redundant phrase.) Also, since no one reads this, I'm not too worried about the content, which of course is probably why I don't try to enter into some kind of reciprocal relationship in the blogosphere: it's not a very interesting blog, is it.
I guess, though, it's better than 899 posts of my awful poetry. Hey! I could make a blog of that!
But it does mean I exist outside whatever community could possibly be created by being a "follower" of a blog. You know, they might notice that I like their blog, & return the compliment. Or someone who likes one of the blogs I like might notice this blog. There are always good reasons to dip one's toe into the lukewarm pool of human interaction, not the least of which is to alert folks who might not know that there's something called Self Help Radio which isn't a self-help radio show at all.
I just don't do that. I have a myspace page & a Facebook page & of course the selfhelpradio.net website & this blog & really I don't do much else. Some might say what I already do is a lot - other, more popular radio shows don't even bother. But if I were an up & coming band, this would be the bare bones of what I'd do to promote myself. & I'm not up & coming. I'm down & going.
The blog thing is pretty easy to maintain & write in, & it doesn't smack of crass hype. (That's a redundant phrase.) Also, since no one reads this, I'm not too worried about the content, which of course is probably why I don't try to enter into some kind of reciprocal relationship in the blogosphere: it's not a very interesting blog, is it.
I guess, though, it's better than 899 posts of my awful poetry. Hey! I could make a blog of that!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Countdown To 900!
Imagine, I'm two posts away from 900 entries into this blog! That means that, if I write here today & tomorrow, Friday will be number 900. Not all of the entries have been full-sized & virtually none of them were interesting, but it's surely something of an achievement. I've previously tallied the length of time that it took to reach other milestones, so let me update that (assuming, as I probably shouldn't, that I'll reach 900 by Friday):
I started this blog on September 12, 2006.
The 100th post happened on March 7, 2007. That would've been roughly 176 days later.
The 200th post happened on August 13, 2007. (158 days after the 100th post.)
The 300th post happened on January 9, 2008. (149 days after the 200th post.)
The 400th post happened on May 26, 2008. (138 days after the 300th post.)
The 500th post happened on October 14, 2008. (141 days after the 400th post.)
The 600th post happened on March 25, 2009. (162 days after the 500th post.)
The 700th post happened on September 23, 2009. (186 days after the 600th post.)
The 800th post happened on February 19, 2010. (149 days since the the 700th post.)
& the 900th post will happen on July 23, 2010 - which would make it 154 days since number 800.
If I add it all up, it's 900 posts spread amongst 1,413 days - an average of .64 posts a day. If my math is right, & it probably isn't, that's about one post every three days.
By the way, virtually no one visits this blog, which is about right, since that's also the number of people that listen to Self Help Radio. I have "Google Analytics" installed to keep track of visits, but I don't think it's all that reliable - I've talked to people who've said - sincerely, so I should believe them - they've downloaded & listened to certain shows, & the Analytics contradicts them. But if I just use the Analytics data, I can see that this blog has had a mere forty visits in the past month, & of them, it says, only eleven were "absolute unique visitors." If you're reading this, you're an absolutely unique visitor. That makes you awesome.
Should I plan something special for number 900? I sure like adding up days. We'll see. One special thing that'll happen that day for sure is my love returns home from Africa then. That's celebration enough for me!
I started this blog on September 12, 2006.
The 100th post happened on March 7, 2007. That would've been roughly 176 days later.
The 200th post happened on August 13, 2007. (158 days after the 100th post.)
The 300th post happened on January 9, 2008. (149 days after the 200th post.)
The 400th post happened on May 26, 2008. (138 days after the 300th post.)
The 500th post happened on October 14, 2008. (141 days after the 400th post.)
The 600th post happened on March 25, 2009. (162 days after the 500th post.)
The 700th post happened on September 23, 2009. (186 days after the 600th post.)
The 800th post happened on February 19, 2010. (149 days since the the 700th post.)
& the 900th post will happen on July 23, 2010 - which would make it 154 days since number 800.
If I add it all up, it's 900 posts spread amongst 1,413 days - an average of .64 posts a day. If my math is right, & it probably isn't, that's about one post every three days.
By the way, virtually no one visits this blog, which is about right, since that's also the number of people that listen to Self Help Radio. I have "Google Analytics" installed to keep track of visits, but I don't think it's all that reliable - I've talked to people who've said - sincerely, so I should believe them - they've downloaded & listened to certain shows, & the Analytics contradicts them. But if I just use the Analytics data, I can see that this blog has had a mere forty visits in the past month, & of them, it says, only eleven were "absolute unique visitors." If you're reading this, you're an absolutely unique visitor. That makes you awesome.
Should I plan something special for number 900? I sure like adding up days. We'll see. One special thing that'll happen that day for sure is my love returns home from Africa then. That's celebration enough for me!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
There's A Riot Goin' On
On July the twentieth, 2010
I was serving time in the state pen
Ten o'clock at night
I was ready to do my show
I heard a whistle blow
And I heard somebody bellow
There's a riot goin' on!
There's a riot goin' on!
There's a riot goin' on!
Over at selfhelpradio.net!
Yes, you can listen to today's Self Help Radio by clicking the above link. It's the closest thing to being in a riot short of having a self-important neighbor beat you down with a truncheon. Listen!
I was serving time in the state pen
Ten o'clock at night
I was ready to do my show
I heard a whistle blow
And I heard somebody bellow
There's a riot goin' on!
There's a riot goin' on!
There's a riot goin' on!
Over at selfhelpradio.net!
Yes, you can listen to today's Self Help Radio by clicking the above link. It's the closest thing to being in a riot short of having a self-important neighbor beat you down with a truncheon. Listen!
Whither Riots?
Ah ah ah! you say. You, sir, have been slacking off! We know for a fact that today is your show, & usually you write your "whither this theme" or "whether that theme" on the day or so before your show! In fact, isn't it true you haven't written anything in this blog for days & days?
It's true, I haven't written since Saturday. But I have good reasons!
Everyone always thinks they have good reasons for neglect!
Well, now, I don't mean to neglect this blog. I spent the day Sunday in Lexington, Kentucky, for reasons that may become clearer later.
Ooo, a mystery!
No mystery - we're relocating there. & by we, I mean, the family. Self Help Radio will still be produced by increasingly deranged clones of myself in a little shack somewhere outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. Or Hong Kong. Wherever they've stored the cloning machine.
So Self Help Radio will be on the air in Lexington!
You're not listening.
What happened Monday?
In what spirit is that question asked?
Why didn't you write in this stupid blog, you self-involved homunculus?
Oh, I've been going through my old stuff, throwing most of it away - like I should've done in Austin but there was no time to do before we moved. I spent hours yesterday. I found some amazing stuff.
Such as?
None of your business. Do you wanna hear about riots?
Can't I just wait for the show today?
You can!
It's true, I haven't written since Saturday. But I have good reasons!
Everyone always thinks they have good reasons for neglect!
Well, now, I don't mean to neglect this blog. I spent the day Sunday in Lexington, Kentucky, for reasons that may become clearer later.
Ooo, a mystery!
No mystery - we're relocating there. & by we, I mean, the family. Self Help Radio will still be produced by increasingly deranged clones of myself in a little shack somewhere outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. Or Hong Kong. Wherever they've stored the cloning machine.
So Self Help Radio will be on the air in Lexington!
You're not listening.
What happened Monday?
In what spirit is that question asked?
Why didn't you write in this stupid blog, you self-involved homunculus?
Oh, I've been going through my old stuff, throwing most of it away - like I should've done in Austin but there was no time to do before we moved. I spent hours yesterday. I found some amazing stuff.
Such as?
None of your business. Do you wanna hear about riots?
Can't I just wait for the show today?
You can!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Hooray! Sugar Substitute!
That kind of sounds like a cheer you might hear from a diabetic. I don't mean that. I mean that today's episode of Sugar Substitute, which is the pop show I used to do every-other-week after Self Help Radio, but which I now do every-four-weeks on Saturdays, is now available for your listening pleasure if you are one of those people who uses a computer to listen to music. I am one of those people too. I should go listen!
Oh, I forgot to tell you where it is. It is where it ought to be, at selfhelpradio.net. It's where the elite meet the effete. Not the elite effete nor the effete elite - only the non-elite effete meet the non-effete elite. It just seemed safer that way.
Thanks for listening!
Oh, I forgot to tell you where it is. It is where it ought to be, at selfhelpradio.net. It's where the elite meet the effete. Not the elite effete nor the effete elite - only the non-elite effete meet the non-effete elite. It just seemed safer that way.
Thanks for listening!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Funny How Time Fails
It's not nearly enough to copy old poetry & pretend it's how you currently feel. Even old photos won't quite capture the way you finally want to feel today. Because at the time you didn't know how you felt & now that you do you no longer feel that way. Did you think you were the only person feeling unfeeling then, & now do you think no one else fails to feel the same?
Some people would be more impressed with how much money you spent on video games you can barely remember playing. You might as well have been drunk, or doing drugs, or signed up for an informal class in which you learned some sort of craft you would never use. You might even now feel that, somewhat, in your hands, like something you once did but cannot or will not do anymore.
Luckily no one believes now that you reach a certain age with a cachet of answers, sometimes called "wisdom," since the bare stupidity of the world is on continual display. But you did believe that, didn't you. You thought at some point you could walk out of the therapy room in your head & begin living life like a character in a movie right before the credits.
Even if your insides now are simply a reverse mirror image of your outsides then, you can still continue. Just tread lightly. & for fuck's sake, be honest with yourself. What's wanting is not what is, & may never be, but what you're wanting is what you are.
& stop going through the old boxes where you put your days after you've squandered them.
Some people would be more impressed with how much money you spent on video games you can barely remember playing. You might as well have been drunk, or doing drugs, or signed up for an informal class in which you learned some sort of craft you would never use. You might even now feel that, somewhat, in your hands, like something you once did but cannot or will not do anymore.
Luckily no one believes now that you reach a certain age with a cachet of answers, sometimes called "wisdom," since the bare stupidity of the world is on continual display. But you did believe that, didn't you. You thought at some point you could walk out of the therapy room in your head & begin living life like a character in a movie right before the credits.
Even if your insides now are simply a reverse mirror image of your outsides then, you can still continue. Just tread lightly. & for fuck's sake, be honest with yourself. What's wanting is not what is, & may never be, but what you're wanting is what you are.
& stop going through the old boxes where you put your days after you've squandered them.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I'm Not Cruel
But Self Help Radio is today. It's all about the cruelty. You can hear it all at selfhelpradio.net.
I hope you'll be so kind as to have a listen. I thank you.
I hope you'll be so kind as to have a listen. I thank you.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Whither Cruelty?
Cruelty is the opposite of kindness. To someone with a healthy morality, cruelty is so incorrect, so wrong, so needless, so vile. Yet humans can be so cruel, so unconsciously cruel, so uselessly cruel. To strangers, to family members, to friends, to lovers. Some people even enjoy it.
We are, it seems to me, most cruel to animals. Most of us eat them, which may not seem so cruel until you realize that it's not necessary for us to eat animals to stay alive. & in the United States, the majority of the animals eaten live such constrained & torturous lives that the phrase "free range" is attached to the animals which are not raised & processed in factory farms. We experiment on them, our scientists & researchers for corporations, such horrible tests that a product which is not tested on animals is called "cruelty-free." We pollute their habitats & we've hunted many of them to the brink of extinction, if not extinction outright, often just for sport.
People can justify all of these things as not cruel, & that's also a cruelty, the self-justification that is the process of the human mind, a cruelty to ourselves. Our brains, alas, are wired in such a way as to make it possible for us to explain in glowing terms the miserable things we do, to ourselves, to others, to other creatures. If we don't pay attention to what our mind does, we can find ourselves as cruel as those we loathe & abhor, & we can still vindicate ourselves in the process. Many is a cruel human being who thinks him or herself truly kind.
I myself remember my cruelties as vividly as my kindnesses. I have stepped back & traced the steps which led me to a satisfaction that the cruelty wasn't so cruel, or was even a kindness in disguise. In many cases, the very fact that I was not caught, or was not specifically blamed for a cruel action, was enough to release me from crippling guilt - unless someone else was blamed. My cruelties, fortunately, have never resulted in any real harm (I tell myself at least) because most were petty, mere outbursts of cruelty at perceived wrongs, never anything planned & executed with intent to cause great pain. Maybe most of our cruelties are like that.
Most, but obviously not all.
We are, it seems to me, most cruel to animals. Most of us eat them, which may not seem so cruel until you realize that it's not necessary for us to eat animals to stay alive. & in the United States, the majority of the animals eaten live such constrained & torturous lives that the phrase "free range" is attached to the animals which are not raised & processed in factory farms. We experiment on them, our scientists & researchers for corporations, such horrible tests that a product which is not tested on animals is called "cruelty-free." We pollute their habitats & we've hunted many of them to the brink of extinction, if not extinction outright, often just for sport.
People can justify all of these things as not cruel, & that's also a cruelty, the self-justification that is the process of the human mind, a cruelty to ourselves. Our brains, alas, are wired in such a way as to make it possible for us to explain in glowing terms the miserable things we do, to ourselves, to others, to other creatures. If we don't pay attention to what our mind does, we can find ourselves as cruel as those we loathe & abhor, & we can still vindicate ourselves in the process. Many is a cruel human being who thinks him or herself truly kind.
I myself remember my cruelties as vividly as my kindnesses. I have stepped back & traced the steps which led me to a satisfaction that the cruelty wasn't so cruel, or was even a kindness in disguise. In many cases, the very fact that I was not caught, or was not specifically blamed for a cruel action, was enough to release me from crippling guilt - unless someone else was blamed. My cruelties, fortunately, have never resulted in any real harm (I tell myself at least) because most were petty, mere outbursts of cruelty at perceived wrongs, never anything planned & executed with intent to cause great pain. Maybe most of our cruelties are like that.
Most, but obviously not all.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Preface To Cruelty: The Past Is Cruel, You Know
I just spent an afternoon going through many a box of stuff. I should have gone through these boxes of stuff many many years ago. They contain notebooks, letters, newspaper clipping, scraps of stuff saved from the past twenty-five years. I am trying to lessen the amount of things that I am dragging with me through time. I know it only has value to me. If I were to die tomorrow, no one would spend any time going through it; it would just be tossed away. But my friend Joe said today that he keeps the stuff as a kind of evidence of existence, no matter how ridiculous.
Names of people I'll never see again, some of whom I can barely remember. A note here, a letter there. I read through some of them, just to see if it stirs any memories. Do they still exist? Should I look for them online, on Facebook, do a Google search? If they're not looking for me - & I think it's pretty easy to find me online - should I even bother looking for them? Probably not. Everything, it seems, happened a long time ago.
How cruel, my past, you have been to me today. How appropriate, too, on this week when Self Help Radio examines cruelty.
Names of people I'll never see again, some of whom I can barely remember. A note here, a letter there. I read through some of them, just to see if it stirs any memories. Do they still exist? Should I look for them online, on Facebook, do a Google search? If they're not looking for me - & I think it's pretty easy to find me online - should I even bother looking for them? Probably not. Everything, it seems, happened a long time ago.
How cruel, my past, you have been to me today. How appropriate, too, on this week when Self Help Radio examines cruelty.