Here's Something I Like

The web comic Jake Likes Onions.  Here's the most recent one:

Enjoy it at the comic's website & follow it on Tumblr & shit!  It's awesome.

Self Help Radio Anniversary Extra!

The elephants are waiting in a line for this.  (Image from here.)

When I was gathering music for this show, I faced a bit of a conundrum: there were lots of elephant songs that were instrumentals.  I have nothing against instrumentals, but I generally only use them on Self Help Radio to talk over during airbreaks.  Perhaps if the show were longer...  But as it is, I like the songs on the show to be about whatever the theme is.  Sometimes an instrumental feels a little like a cheat.

But seeing as it's the show's anniversary week, & seeing as I usually give out a gift for the show's anniversary, I figured I needed to do something, even if it that something were a little cheap.  This year, I give you an extra mix of songs about elephants, all of which happen to be instrumentals.  There's an hour of them, which means I could totally have filled an entire sixty more minutes with elephant songs.  Oh well.  Maybe in a different radio world...

The mix has been placed on the Self Help Radio Extra page.  I used to make extra mixes like this many moons ago, but stopped when I was doing so many fills at RFL.  Does that mean I may start doing them again?  Maybe.  But maybe not.  Don't hassle me!

Here's the tracklisting.  Hope you dig!

"Pink Elephants" Joe Venuti & Eddie Lang _Wild Cats_
"Jive Elephant" Rahsaan Roland Kirk _The Complete Mercury Recordings Of Roland Kirk_
"Elephant Trail" Les Baxter _African Jazz_
"Elephant Soul" Baja Marimba Band _For Animals Only_
"Elephant Stomp" The Dragons _Troll_
"Wild Elephants" James Clarke _Ready, Steady Boogaloo!_
"Elephant" The Philly Four _The Sound Of Philadelphia: Philadelphia Roots Vol. 2_
"Mama Elephant" E. Cap _The Sound Gallery, Vol. 2_
"Pink Elephants" Mick Harvey _Pink Elephants_
"A Great Visitation Of Elephants" The Jazz Butcher _Illuminate_
"March Of The Triumphant Elephants" Eggs _Exploder_
"Disruptive Elephant" Isan _Salle D'Isan_
"Elephant Ride" State Of Bengal _South.Asian.Summer_
"Elephant Man" Eat Static _Decadance_
"Elephant Generators" Solvent _New Ways_
"Elephant Takeover" Me & You _Floating Heavy_

Self Help Radio 101216: Elephants - The 14th Anniversary Show!

(Original image here.)

Fourteen years later, here's what Self Help Radio has come to.  A show about elephants.  Elephants!  Still trying to prove its coolness by hanging around impossibly cool people & things.  What's next?  A fifteenth anniversary show about the Fonz?  Pathetic.

Actually, no.  Self Help Radio is happy to be fourteen years old & who cares if no one likes the themes.  It likes its theme fine.  It was fun to do a show about elephants twelve years ago but if was way more fun to do one this past week.  Because even though the show is going through puberty, & its face is way too spotty, & its voice cracks in awkward moments, it is in fact older, & feels a little smarter, & hopes it can one day muster up the courage to talk to radio shows of the opposite sex.

Meanwhile, elephantophiles can enjoy the show now & whenever at the Self Help Radio website.  You know about the username & password, right?  They're on the front page.  The elephant songs I played are below.  The interviews are not, so you have to listen to know who's being interviews.

Here's to fourteen more years!

(part one)

"Oliphant The Elephant" Tiny Tim _For All My Little Friends_
"Ellie The Elegant Elephant" Dick "Two Ton" Baker _I Like Stinky Cheese_
"Elephant Talk" King Crimson _Discipline_

"The Elephant & The Ass" Morry Goodson & Sonny Vale _Songs For Political Action: Folk Music, Topical Songs & The American Left 1935-1954 - Charter Records 1946-1949_
"The Mighty Mighty Elephant" Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine _Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine_
"Elephantoplasty" Monty Python _Matching Tie & Handkerchief_
"The Elephant's Graveyard" The Boomtown Rats _Mondo Bongo_
"Elephantine" Kitchens Of Distinction _Elephantine E.P._

"Elephant Stone" The Stone Roses _The Stone Roses_
"Elephant King" Yellow Ostrich _Strange Land_
"Pink Elephants On Parade" Circus Contraption _The Half-Wit's Descent_
"Pink Elephants" Phil Harris & His Orchestra _The Uncollected Phil Harris & His Orchestra - 1933_

"The Elephant Song" Marty Feldman _The Crazy World Of Marty Feldman_
"The Elephant" The Virgin-Whore Complex _Stay Away From My Mother_

(part two)

"White Elephant" Volcano Suns _All Night Lotus Party_
"Elephant Germs" Digital Dinosaurs _Messthetics Greatest Hiss_
"Nellie The Elephant" Toy Dolls _Cheerio & Toodlepip! (The Complete Singles)_

"The Monkey & The Elephant" Bobby Bare & The Family _Singing In The Kitchen_
"When I See An Elephant Fly" Robbie Fulks _O Mickey, Where Art Thou?_
"An Elephant Never Forgets" Henry Hall & The BBC Dance Orchestra _It's Five Fifteen & Time For Henry Hall & The BBC Dance Orchestra_
"Elephant Memory" Smack Dab _Majestic Root_

"Zousan (Little Elephant)" Elizabeth Mitchell _You Are My Little Bird_
"Effervescing Elephant" Syd Barrett _Wouldn't You Miss Me: The Best Of Syd Barrett_
"Elegant Elephant" Broadcast _Mother Is The Milky Way_
"Elephant Candy" The Fun & Games _Elephant Candy_
"Elephant Game (Part I)" Renfro & Jackson _Elephant Game_

"No Elephants" Lisa Germano _No Elephants_
"Zólty Ston" Novi Singers _Bossa Nova_

Whither Elephants?

(Image from here.)

Why a radio show about elephants?  Why not a radio show about elephants?  Why has it taken me so long to do a radio show about elephants?  (Since, you know, the first time I did a radio show about elephants, it wasn't really on the radio.)

This begs the question: if Self Help Radio hasn't done a show about elephants, what animals has Self Help Radio spent time with?  Let me look: Lions & tigers.  Cats & dogs.  Spiders & snakes.  Dolphins & whales.  Rabbits, mice & rats.  Frogs, turtles, alligators & crocodiles.  Ants, bees, & worms.  & a whole menagerie of birds:  Crows, chickens, ducks, owls, & swans.  & yet, no elephants.

How could this be?  It doesn't matter; we rectify this situation today!  The Self Help Radio show about elephants airs from 9-11pm Eastern, 8-10pm Central, on 93.9 fm WLXU in the city of Lexington, & everywhere at Lexington Community Radio dot org.  So many songs about elephants plus interviews with elephant experts & the like.

Look, I know I'm not capable of making a show as majestic as these creatures, but I trust they'd forgive me, as they are not egotistical in any way.

Preface To Elephants: A Show That Wasn't

Look!  It's another damn playlist!

Above is the playlist reflecting the first time Self Help Radio did a show about elephants.  You see, eight years ago, when the show was six years old, I said to myself, "Since I'm in this for the long haul, & since I have made a promise to myself to never revisit themes, maybe I can make an excuse, & revisit themes that I've done on my anniversary shows."  & so it has been the case.

But!  If you look at the header for the playlist above, it says, "Imaginary Radio Show."  What's up with that?

You can one day sit with me in a bar & drink beer & I'll tell you the long version, but since we're on the computer together, & I'm all out of beer, I will tell you the short version here:

The radio station which aired Self Help Radio, KOOP Austin, was a very political place, with camps competing for control of its meager resources & especially its airwaves.  To get a sense, here is a web page describing a struggle that happened at the station at the end of the last century, before I came aboard.  The people whose fight is detailed in that web page, alas, lost.

At some point during my first few years at KOOP, I became involved in the more political aspects of the station, although I was at first skeptical that dirty tricks could be played on me, the goofy guy who did a silly show.  I was elected to the Community Council, the body that chose the Board of Directors.  The opposition won that election, but it was pretty obvious there were shenanigans.  I spoke about them, asked questions about them, & became a political enemy of the opposition.

My own penchant for being a big dork & saying stupid things backfired on me, & was used by them to take my show away from me.  I came back from a visit to New York to discover I was suspended "indefinitely."  I continued to volunteer - I felt obligated to do so as an elected representative of the station, but, missing my show, during that summer of 2004, I continued to make an episode of Self Help Radio a week, sharing mp3s with friends.  I made playlists of the songs I gathered & noted the show on the website as "imaginary."

The suspension didn't last for more than a couple of months, & the people who suspended me made even more egregious mistakes (not the least of which was not paying attention to the station's by-laws) & were out by the end of the year.  That's a pretty interesting tale in itself.  But - not enough beer!

Maybe the fact that they suspended me on petty grounds helped the station recognize the need for more transparency & democracy (later on, the by-laws were changed to allow direct election of Board members by the station membership, for example), & if so, it was worth it to sit out two months of radio, even if it was & has always been the thing I love to do the most.  But how would I know such things?  In the middle of it, it was pretty awful.

Now, though, the elephant show can be actual instead of imaginary.  & it's happening tomorrow night!

(By the way - on the show tomorrow, I will play only seven or eight of the songs I "played" on that first show - which is a reason to revisit themes - new stuff is always out there!)

Fourteen Years Ago

There it is, the first playlist from the first Self Help Radio, which aired at 2pm Central on October 9, 2002 (a Wednesday) on 91.7 fm KOOP in Austin.  There are some things to note about that show.

1) There appears to be a Self Help Radio show before the first Self Help Radio.  It's not.  At that time period there was a show called "The Pilot Show" which I, as a member of the Training Committee, oversaw.  That particular day, the trainee either flaked or there wasn't a trainee scheduled - so it was up to me to fill the hour.  Most probably I knew there was no one scheduled for that time, which is why I had a theme prepared.

2) Technically, I had done a couple of theme-based shows previous to this one, on a Friday morning slot that I had to give up.  (I sort of told the story here, but suffice it to say, I could do either slot, but the fellow who had the Wednesday show would have preferred Friday, & I said cool.)  I don't count those because I didn't have a name for the show nor an intro.  This show felt like the beginning to me.

3) There is a misspelling of a band on the very first playlist there that I have corrected (on the html; I haven't uploaded it to the server yet) that has been there as long as I've had playlists on my website.  My apologies to the band.  & how embarrassing for me!

4) So eager was I to show off how many songs I had for a particular theme that I couldn't fit into an hour-long show that, for the first few playlists, I noted a few of those leftover songs.  That's what that "more war not broadcast" line means.  I soon realized that was dumb, & stopped doing it.

5) You might be curious why my first show would be about war.  Well, at the time, we had a President who desperately wanted to go to war with a country called Iraq, & was frantically looking for (& not finding, so fabricating) evidence to go to war.  Everyone knows that the United States invaded Iraq in March of the next year, but war was in the air already in October.  My friends & I really, really hoped the warmongering would lead to Bush losing in Congress, but also in the air was the spirit of 9/11.  So, darn.

That may be all to note.  I have the show on cassette somewhere, & that cassette is still in Lexington, or maybe I'd digitize it & share it.  Maybe next year!

Fourteen Years

Here are some things that may happen to you once you're fourteen years old:

According to this,

"By age 14, it's common for teens to:

show signs of puberty:
in boys, testicular enlargement is followed by penile lengthening & the growth of pubic hair; most boys start puberty between 9 & 15 years of age;
girls continue breast development, grow pubic hair, & possibly begin menstruation. The first menstrual period usually occurs by age 13, but can come as late as age 15;
both have oily skin &/or acne;
both yearn for peer acceptance, independence, & time to be alone;
both focus on personal appearance & behavior (because they think all eyes are on them)"

There's more here.

It's very hard to think of Self Help Radio going through puberty because I don't want to have to deal with that again.

Or do radio shows age differently than human beings?  & if so, how?

Self Help Radio 100516: Who's The Boss?

(Original image here.)

Who is the boss?  Well, it takes two hours, four interviews, & twenty-seven songs, but you will find out definitively on this hard-hitting episode of Self Help Radio.  Please note: no Tony Danzas were harmed in the making of this show.  We couldn't live with ourselves otherwise.

More importantly, who is your boss?  Unfortunately, we didn't want to pry, so that secret remains undiscovered.  You of course know who your boss is - unless you work for a Mason - but it's certainly not something you need to share, say, in the comments below this.  No one cares.  But if you want to share, also include a picture of your boss.  Tony Danza will want to know who he needs to punch.

Whatever you boss orientation (as if there's such a thing), there's an entire radio show about bosses available now for your not-safe-for-work pleasure at Self Help Radio the website dot net.  It's in two parts.  What songs were played is in each part.  To listen to the interviews, you have to listen to the whole show.  Sorry!  The boss told me that was the rule.

Get back to work!

(part one)

"Brand New Life (Who's The Boss Theme)" Larry Weiss _100 Greatest TV Themes, Vol. 3_
"Hey Boss Man" Ray Smith _The Sun Years Plus_
"Say Boss Man" Bo Diddley _The Chess Box_
"The Boss" James Brown & The JB's _The Singles, Volume 8: 1972-1973_

"Big Boss Man" Bobbie Gentry _The Delta Sweete_
"Working For The Man" Mental As Anything _Creatures Of Leisure_
"Capitalistic Boss (Part 1)" Saul Aarons _Songs For Political Action: Folk Music, Topical Songs & The American Left 1935-1954: Theatre & Cabaret Performers 1936-1941_
"Hallo Boss, Hallo" Bill Ramsey _Ohne Krimi Geht Die Mimi..._

"Maggie's Farm" Solomon Burke _How Many Roads (Black America Sings Bob Dylan)_
"I'm Gonna Be Boss From Now On" Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys _San Antonio Rose_
"Boss Of Me" They Might Be Giants _A User's Guide To They Might Be Giants_
"Boss Of Me" David Bowie _The Next Day_

"The Boss's Daughter" Gene Pitney _The Best Of Gene Pitney_
"You're The Boss" Cud _Elvis Belt_

(part two)

"The Boss/Dump The Bosses Off Your Back" Utah Phillips _We Have Fed You All A Thousand Years_
"Boss Inside" Adam Green _Minor Love_
"Summertime Blues" Eddie Cochran _Somethin' Else: The Fine Lookin' Hits Of Eddie Cochran_

"Boss Man" Dean Hawley _The Dore Doo-Wop Story, Vol. 3_
"Boss Lady" The Detroit Cobras _Life, Love, & Leaving_
"Boss" The Bolshoi _Books On The Bonfire_
"Executive Dive" Dicks _These People_

"Space Boss" T.Rex _Bolan's Zip Gun Boogie_
"Please Mr. Boss Man" Candy Man & Gumption Band _Please Mr. Boss Man_
"Boss" Aceyalone _Leanin' On Slick_
"Do The Brown Nose" The Dead Milkmen _Metaphysical Graffiti_

"Boss" Screaming Females _Castle Talk_
"Boss Man" Alan Moorhouse _Blow Up Presents Exclusive Blend, Vol. 2_

Whither Bosses?

(Image from here.)

Have you ever been a boss?  I have!  I've been a boss, but never the boss.  Maybe it's best to say that I've been in "middle management."  There's always been someone higher than I am.  In fact, that reminds me of a Mr. Show sketch:



It's almost like there's always another boss!

The thing is, I'm currently boss-less.  Unless you count my pets, who treat me more or less like an employee.  I'm their only employee!  But have I ever been named "Employee Of The Month"?  Hardly!

So, yes.  Yes.  I'm doing this show because my pets have asked me to do so.  A show about bosses.  They will enjoy it.

It's on tonight - tonight!  From 8-10 pm Texas time, 9 to 11 pm Kentucky time, on 93.9 fm WLXU in the fine city of Lexington & online at Lexington Community Radio dot Org.

Since we're mostly not bosses, we can't really join in the celebration of bosses.  But maybe afterwards we can just go on strike!

Preface To Who's The Boss: Danza Fandom

(Image from here.)

This week's show is not two hours of me raving about the television show Who's The Boss?  I'm sure there are enough songs about Tony Danza, Judith Light, Katherine Helmond, & Alyssa Milano to fill up two hours of programming (not sure if there are any songs about poor Danny Pintauro, though*).  So why not?  Why not a Danztactular, with Light & Milano & Helmond?

Oh all right.  The truth is, there aren't a lot of songs about Tony Danza.  When I google "songs about Tony Danza," the number one hit is a misinterpreted Elton John song, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

What is wrong with the world that there aren't hundreds of songs about Tony Danza?  I understand we're living in a world crass enough to not have songs extolling the virtues & talents of a Katherine Helmond, & of course a world where Judith Light sings terrible songs from the 90s, but why hasn't every band in the universe just put pen to paper & composed a magnificent ode to Tony Danza?  This is a mystery for the ages; I am ill-equipped to figure it out.

To be sure, there will be talk of Danza & Who's The Boss on tomorrow's show, but the show, sadly, isn't about those delightful subjects.  Just the same old boring Self Help Radio junk.  However, I would like to believe that these two songs below, by the Pixies & Morrissey respectively, are actually about Tony Danza.  I won't play them tomorrow, but I play them forever in my heart.





* That's a gratuitous joke.  Sorry.

It's October At Self Help Radio!

(I found that image here.)

Happy October!  Almost everywhere north of here, leaves are changing, temperatures are dropping, & pumpkins are patching!

In Fort Worth, temperatures are dropping a little, which is encouraging some folks to put all kinds of gourds on their porches & doorsteps.  But what does that mean for Self Help Radio?

Frankly, it's more of the same, but here's a brief preview of what your Self Help Radio October will be like.

This week, of course, we have a show about bosses, & not, sadly, about the television show Who's The Boss?  I'll obviously talk more about this tomorrow & the next day as is my wont.  Also, I just want to say "Tony Danza."

Next week is the show's 14th Anniversary!  The show first went on the air in Austin, Texas, on October 9, 2002, with the theme "The War Show."  Every year since maybe the fifth or sixth anniversary, I've used the anniversary to revisit an old theme, update it, maybe add to it.  This year I'm actually going to revisit a theme that never made it to air - which is a story to look forward to next week!

The third week of the month will find me wistful & sentimental, as I do a show about the past.  I'm full of regrets but I've already done a show about regrets, & anyway, we all get older, we're always looking back instead of living in the moment or planning ahead.  I will just be leaning into that storm.

& the last week of the month is the show before Halloween, so there'll naturally be a Self Help Radio show about a Halloweeny topic.  This year, the show is about death.  That's pretty scary, & perhaps made more scary because the previous week we'll have been meditating about the past & naturally we'll be more sensitive about things & hopefully it'll scare the bejeezus out of you.

This is the time to remind you that if you have an idea for a show, or for a song that might fit the themes, or just want to write to the show because you think it's a good listener, there's an email address, gary@selfhelpradio.net.

It's nice to get mail.  & have a happy month!

Someone Said Goodbye

Something I forgot to mention - & wouldn't have noticed unless friend of the show Jenny hadn't mentioned it on her Twitter feed, which is that WRFL said goodbye to me & Self Help Radio in their promotional magazine, the Rifle.  (Older issues are archived here.)

The new issue hasn't been put online, & of course I no longer live in Lexington & wouldn't be able to grab a copy, so Jenny handily scanned the small notice, which went like this:

Diana & Collin were deejays I never met nor heard, but I can say it's rough for RFL to have lost Chuck, whose show was on the same as mine, & was always fun; & Justin, whom I loved on the Catacombs although his freeform general format show was always excellent; & Cody, who came to the station a couple of years after I did, & whom I watched grow up from a nerdy high school music geek to a nerdy college music geek.  (I'm sure listeners of RFL barely noticed Self Help Radio's gone.)

Where are they now?  Chuck's still in Lexington, running WLXL & WLXU (& he's been nice enough to air Self Help Radio there while I take too much due time to find a new station here). Justin's down in Houston teaching college (I'm hoping he goes over to KTRU at Rice to make more radio).  & Cody's going to grad school in Los Angeles.  I miss them all.

Again, thanks to Jenny for this, & thanks to RFL for waving goodbye.

Self Help Radio 092816: Wandering

(Original image here.)

Ah! A radio show about wandering! & wander it does! Just look at that playlist below: children's music, country, indie, outsider, soul, song-poem, blues, r&b, bluegrass, novelty, folk, garage rock, even a little early ska.  It is entirely appropriate that a radio show about wandering should wander all over the place musically.

But there's not just music!  There are silly interviews with the regular cast of "experts" as well as a song performed just for this show by a Lexington singer!  It's way too much, I know.  Like a two week vacation where you visit fourteen countries!

So here it is, a show about wandering that I hope you take with you in your wanderings.  It's at the Self Help Radio website - please pay attention to username & password information!  The songs played on the show are below.

Be safe out there!

(part one)

"The Happy Wanderer" Max Bygraves _The Decca Years 1957-1962_
"Chant Of The Wanderer" Sons Of The Pioneers _Tumbling Tumbleweeds_
"I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud" Julian Cope _20 Mothers_

"The Wanderer" Dion _Best Of The Sixties_
"Zig Zag Wanderer" Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band _Safe As Milk_
"I'm A Wanderer Too" Faine Jade _It Ain't True_
"I'm Wandering" Aretha Franklin _The Tender, The Moving, The Swinging Aretha Franklin_

"Come Wander With Me" Jenny Adkins _Come Wander With Me_
"Wandering" Amor De Dias _Street Of The Love Of Days_
"Wandering" The Hidden Cameras _Awoo_
"Wanderin' Star" The Perfect Disaster _Alvin Lives (In Leeds): Anti Poll Tax Trax_

"Wandering Boy Blues" Clara Smith _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Vol. 1: 1917-1927_
"Where Is My Wandering Boy Tonight?" Shelley Stuart _The Human Breakdown Of Absurdity_

(part two)

"My Wandering Boy" Flatt & Scruggs _1964-1969 Plus_
"Wandering Gal" Jimmy Witherspoon _The Swingtime Records Story_
"Born To Wander" Rare Earth _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 10: 1970_

"Wandering" The Babies _Our House On The Hill_
"Wanderer Wandering" Slow Club _Complete Surrender_
"Ramblin' & Wanderin'" Space Ghost _Musical Bar-B-Que_
"Just Wandering Around" Vermont Sugar House _Carlton Gardens_
"Wandering Hobo" Crispian St. Peters _All The Hits & More_

"Wandering Eyes" Charlie Gracie _The London American Label Year By Year: 1957_
"Weary Wanderer" Laurel Aitken _You Got Me Rockin' (The Blue Beat Years 1960-1964)_
"Wandering Kind" Scavengers _IGL Dance Jamboree '66_
"Wander Through" Elf Power _Elf Power_
"Wandering Lucy" The Haircuts _Sorrow Is The Way To Love_

"My Wandering Days Are Over" Belle & Sebastian _Tigermilk_

Whither Wandering?

(A mythological American wanderer, taken from here.)

Ah, wandering!  Who of us doesn't enjoy it in some form or another?  & who of us, even if we don't actually enjoy it, still entertains the idea?  Okay, I've known people who hate traveling, but don't even they enjoy reading about travels, watching movies about traveling, dreaming about traveling?  All right, granted, there are types, shut-ins, homebodies, for whom the very concept of travel invokes feelings of fear & disgust.  But surely even - no, I give up.

This show, then, is for whomever likes to wander, even if they, like myself, don't get to wander all that much.  But in fact, it was actual wandering that inspired this show.  When we left Lexington in early August, & I was driving in a car full of cats with the wife & dogs in a U-Haul behind me, I got the sense that two things were suddenly possible: 1) we really could pack up & leave a place; & 2) there were lots of places to go, even in (especially in) our own country.

My wife doesn't share this vision - she hated moving, hated the whole process of finding a place to live.  & she also reminds me constantly that we have eight animals, four of them cats, & two of those who need medicine daily, which greatly inhibit our mobility.

Okay, so then we wander when we can!  For example, on the radio!

This is where I remind you that Self Help Radio wanders onto your radio & computer this evening from 9-11pm Eastern, 8-10pm Central, on the radio in Lexington at WLXU 93.9 fm & online everywhere at Lexington Community Radio dot org (if you select WLXU, of course).  It should be a fine show, & there are guests galore!

Hopefully you'll find it while you're wandering!

Preface To Wandering: A Life Spent Sitting Still

Because of this week's theme, I've been wondering about all the wandering I've done - which, frankly, isn't much.  On paper, it's maybe impressive - I've been to about thirty of our fifty states, plus the District Of Columbia & Puerto Rico.  I've taken a very slow train from Laredo, Texas, to Mexico City.  I've been to Germany twice (once when it was West Germany), to Belgium twice, to France, Switzerland, England, & Scotland.  I was awake during an entire fourteen-hour flight to Australia, & awake the entire way back.  (I don't sleep on planes.)

& yet, I've lived in Texas for over forty of my forty-eight years.  & now I'm back!

Most probably I didn't wander much for the first two decades of my life because it wasn't something that I was raised with.  Most likely I'd have scarcely left my home town if I hadn't had a German mother.  She took me to Germany when I was six, & I would remember what seemed to be endless rides to mountains & other exotic places.  When I visited again eighteen years later I was a little shocked to discover that most of the place we went to were within walking distance.

My mother doesn't drive, & the concept of a family vacation was foreign to us.  I remember just one time when we left the city when I was a kid - to visit a friend my mother had in Waco.  My mother's boyfriend Ed drove us in his Ford Bronco, & the two of them smoked like chimneys, with windows up & air conditioners blasting.  I still feel the sting of my eyes watering in the hellish, seemingly endless ride.

That's it.  I was on a plane, naturally, to get to Germany when I was six & not on another one until I was eighteen & flew to Austin for college orientation.  (If my car hadn't been broken down at the time, I probably would've driven.)  I don't know when I was on a plane again after that - maybe when I went to Germany in 1992, six years after that.

My wife's life has been the exact opposite: her family would live abroad when her father had a work assignment.  She's so cavalier about air travel that if she's not missing flights, she's the last one on them.  She boasts about this!

Since I didn't own a car after I left Garland, & wouldn't for over two decades (a real hindrance to wandering), I had to wait till I was 25 to be able to rent one.  Before that, my transportation for long distances was a bus.  I sort of miss buses - not just city buses, but the ones that take forever to get anywhere.  I once took a bus from Austin to Dallas - a three hour drive - that stopped at every other small town on the way.  It took seven hours.  It was fascinating.

My broken arm has slowed my wandering about this new city of mine, but I hope to resume in a couple of weeks.  The wandering show has made me a little self-conscious.  Anyway - I hope I have a few more years left to wander some more.

Though from my point of view, it seems to me I've spent most of my life just sitting still.

One More Broken-Arm Complaint

You already know the stats: radial neck fracture, right arm.  Out of cast, mostly in sling though that does get tiring.  Both arms very weak from fall, sprained wrists also still a concern.  Exercises for increasing range of motion sullenly practiced despite the utter boredom of doing so.

But there's one thing I would've have thought would have been a weird thing to miss, & that's flossing.

Both I & my family have a history of terrible teeth.  I've probably mentioned this before, but almost half of my siblings have no teeth in their mouths, & at least of one them should be wearing his dentures but doesn't.  We were poor but frankly dental care wasn't something my mother placed too high a premium on (she had all her remaining teeth pulled when she was in her fifties & has worn dentures since) so even if there were government assistance for such things, it was never taken advantage of.

Since some scary moments involving words like "root canal," I've been serious about my teeth.  I am a champion flosser, usually flossing twice if not more a day (though you couldn't really tell, my teeth still suck).

Since the fall, I haven't quite been able to position my arms - one of which for two weeks was in a cast - to floss properly.

My loving wife bought for me a Water-Pik, that pulsing-water based flossing alternative, & I've been using it, but it's really not the same.

It's hard to teach yourself to floss lefty when you've flossed righty your entire life.  Nowadays I can almost, with only a little discomfort, floss a simple floss, followed by a Water-Pik assault.  But my teeth do not feel the way they should afterwards.

& guess what?  I have an appointment with the new Fort Worth dentist in the middle of the next month.  My teeth - which haven't been cleaned since the start of the year - are not prepared for this important first encounter.

But I should've known flossing would be affected by my recent arm-break - I mean, everything else has been, too.

What I Did Today

When we first moved to Fort Worth, I happened upon a notice that the Fort Worth Symphony were performing a concert of the music of David Bowie.  I like me some David Bowie in almost any form & it seemed cool to be able to see an entire orchestra perform his works.  Here is a web page that announces the show.

But then something happened.  That something looked like this:

(I found that image here.)

What?  The orchestra on strike?!?  But why?  The story made the New York Times.

The musicians aren't just picketing, however - they decided this weekend to split into groups (brass, strings, woodwinds) & play some Bowie at a local drinkery, The Shipping & Receiving Bar.  While I'm sure they're used to performing in much more ahem quiet surroundings - jabberjaws at the bar yapped all the way through a lovely string quartet version of "Space Oddity" - they were remarkable & it was a bit frustrating to speculate how great the interpretations would've sounded with a full orchestra.

My favorite moment was when, during a string quartet version of "Life On Mars?", the cellist's sheet of music fell to the floor, & he continued playing reading from it from there.  Here's a pic I snapped of it:

The wife & I were glad to be able to not only see them but help them out while they wait for management to continue negotiating with them.  Right now, management is refusing to talk, & has cancelled concerts for the next six weeks or so.  It's a damn shame.

Here is the Facebook page for the musicians, explaining their situation & listing ways you can help.  I hope you get to see them perform sometime soon - they're wonderful!

Self Help Radio 092116: Nobody Knows

(Original image here)

What is this week's show about?  Nobody knows!

Believe it or not, there aren't any real "Who's On First"-type riffs on the show.  Just lots of songs, interviews with trivia book writers, famous old deejays, Hollywood types, & spiritual mentors, as well as the occasional Gary interrupting to say a thing or two.  Nobody knows whether that's a good recipe for a radio show or not.  It's just this week's show.

Nothing else?  Okay then.  You may go to the Self Help Radio webpage if you're interested, or bored, or delirious, & please be aware there's password information there.  You can listen without it.  The show is two hours long, & divided in two parts, & the songs in each part are listed below.

You're expecting me to use the phrase "nobody knows" again but I am done with it.  Done!

(part one)

"Nobody Knows The Way I Feel Dis Mornin'" Alberta Hunter & The Red Onion Jazz Babies _The Ladies In Blues_
"Nobody Knows (How Much I Love You)" Johnny Thompson _Fats Waller 1927-1929_
"Nobody Knows But Me" Jimmie Rodgers _The Singing Brakeman_

"Nobody Knows You When You're Down & Out" Bessie Smith _Empress Of The Blues_
"Nobody Knows, Nobody Cares" Sister Rosetta Tharpe _The Original Soul Sister (1943-46): Singing in My Soul_
"Nobody Knows I'm In Love With You" H-Bomb Ferguson _The Ace Blues Masters, Vol. 1: Sing My Blues Tonight_
"Nobody Knows" James Brown _The Singles, Volume 4: 1966-1967_

"Nobody Knows Where You've Been" The State Of Mickey + Tommy _Rubble, Vol. 8_
"Nobody Knows It" Plastic Penny _Two Sides Of Penny_
"Nobody Knows What's Goin' On (In My Mind But Me)" Tammy St John _British Soul, Vol. 1_
"Nobody Knows" John Lee Hooker _More Real Folk Blues_

"Nobody Knows" P. Rufus King _Fading Yellow, Vol. 10_
"Nobody Knows & Nobody Cares" Phil Phillips _The Complete Singles_

(part two)

"Nobody Knows" The Raspberries _Fresh_
"Nobody Knows" Destroy All Monsters _Bored_
"Nobody Knows Me" Richard Barone _Clouds Over Eden_

"No One Knows I'm Gone" Tom Waits _Alice_
"Nobody Knows" Breathless _Behind The Light_
"Nobody Really Knows Anything" Ballboy _A Guide For The Daylight Hours_

"Nobody Knows (But I Do)" Mary Weiss with the Reigning Sound _Dangerous Game_
"Nobody Knows" The Feelies _Here Before_
"Nobody Knows" Seapony _Go With Me_
"No One Knows Nothing Anymore" Billy Bragg _Tooth & Nail_

"Nobody Knows" The Len Price 3 _Nobody Knows_
"No One Knows You're A Dog" Blacktop _I Got A Baad Feelin' About This (The Complete Recordings)_

Whither Nobody Knows?

(original image here.)

About a year ago (last October to be more or less exact) there was an episode of Self Help Radio with the theme "Everybody Knows."  While I was listening to a record recently - this one - it occurred to me that it might be fun to do a radio show with the opposite theme - that is, nobody knows.

Is it too soon? I asked myself.  Nah, no one will care.

Will you do it the same way, I asked myself, with all the songs on the show entitled "Nobody Knows"?  Nah, I'm over that.

So why don't you do it? I asked myself.  Okay, fine, I will!

& so, this evening, at 8pm Central, 9pm Eastern, on 93.9 fm in Lexington, & online here, one can listen to a radio show with the theme "Nobody Knows."  It's this week's Self Help Radio.  I would say "nobody knows if it'll be any good," but if you're heard the show, you have an idea.

P.S. You can still listen to the Everybody Knows show.  Available at that link.  Should you be so inclined.

Preface To Nobody Knows: Broken-Armed Update

Man, I wish I had some jpegs of my broken arm!  That would be cool to put on the blog!  But I don't.  I have some x-rays from my ER* visit, but am too lazy at the moment to scan them.

So: an update.  I went to the bone doctor today (she was a resident, about twenty-five to twenty-seven years of age), where I got more x-rays & also the cast off.  OH MY GOD.  First of all, I am fortunate the cast was only on for a couple of weeks - I honestly expected it to smell like the worst deli you've ever visited.  Second of all, my poor arm!  Even now it's hella sensitive.  I never ever want to ever ever have a cast on any limb ever.  Why are casts used comedically in sitcoms & movies?  All I will think when I see them now is, "Oh man, that person has a 4-6 week recovery time!"**

Because the break is at the end of my radius in my right forearm, & because it's not too bad, there won't be surgery, & in fact they just require that I use a sling & do exercises to strengthen the arm.  Which is much, much weaker than I thought - it was feeling pretty good the past few days.  But, you see, the cast limited movement, so...  I'm an idiot.***

However, I do feel much better & am committed to making sure I can return to two-armed life sooner than expected.  I am, for example, typing this blog entry with two hands, although still somewhat laboriously.  My left hand is sooooo grateful.  It didn't know where any of the keys actually were!

Oh, also, I should say - I made this week's show with one arm, too, but I promise, it'll sound like I screwed it up with any number of limbs.****

* Hospitals call them "EDs" or "Emergency Departments" now.  Thanks, Anthony Edwards!
** From now on I will assume every bone injury I see, no more where it happened, is just like mine.
*** I'm a little worried about sleeping.  The cast made it impossible to roll over on my broken arm.  This will no longer be the case.
**** This lame ending sounded funnier in my head than it does written out.

Exhausting Day

Because I have to have the show ready by tomorrow noon - I am going to the bone doctor tomorrow afternoon - I have been working like an unlazy hound on my show all day.  It should be fun but it's left me little time to say or do anything on this blog.  So I'll instead share with you two things that please me.

One of them is temporal.  It was a Bill Cosby prank at the Emmys last night.  I have never used this word to describe Jimmy Kimmel (& never thought I would) but this was genius:



The other is a comic strip published online called Poorly Drawn Lines.  It's so smart, ridiculous, & funny.  Click on the name to visit the site, & enjoy today's strip below:

Now I'm going to crawl into myself & gather strength for the morrow.

The Struggle Continues

Just in case you want an update about my broken radial neck on my right arm...

Oh you do!  Don't you?

It's been over a week since my fall & subsequent banishment to the world of casts & tramadol.  My left arm, which is doing double duty for me, remains quite sore.  When I have to do what one could hilariously call bathing, I have my right arm covered by a trash bag, so my poor left arm, which was barely asked to do anything prior to nine days ago, is responsible for keeping most of me clean.  It's quite exhausting, & no fun at all.

The swelling in my right arm that made my right hand look like it was made entirely of marshmallow sausage went away after lots of "keeping the arm above the heart" & Alleve.  I stopped taking the Alleve - & the tramadol - after a few days, but have resumed taking the Alleve for the sake of my poor left arm.  I might not have mentioned that I sprained both my wrists as well, so there have been delightful moments where I am not strong enough to open particularly difficult doors or even pull them closed; getting in a car & trying to close its heavy passenger-side door often looks like something out of silent film comedy.

The sling I wear still most of the time, although on dog walks - because I really must get out of the house! - it becomes way too hot - & I sweat like someone walking dogs in 90 degree temperature with a large heavy cast on his arm.  & oh it itches!

Speaking of my wonderful cast: Tuesday is the day I see the orthopedist.  I imagine I will lose this current cast & get a new one.  I imagine there will be more x-rays.  Frankly I expect the worst.  But that's usually what I do.

Otherwise, I'm in tolerably good spirits.  The wife, who naturally thinks I'm a shirker, occasionally rolls her eyes at my discomfort, but if it were up to her, I wouldn't have gone to the emergency room at all.  A friend tells me that women suspect this of all men, so I'm not offended, but I am certainly glad I convinced her that I needed to go - it would've been a more difficult week than I've had.

Now!  I need to take a bit more time than usual to put the show together this week.  Last week almost destroyed me.

Self Help Radio 091416: Bending

(Original image here.)

As one gets older, more & more parts of a person stop bending (he's going to talk about breaking his arm here) (shut up he isn't!).  It's something we'll find out.  Well, not all of us.  Some of us die before we get old, unlike Pete Townshend.  Whether that's a good thing or not, I can't say.  Would Jimi Hendrix have enjoyed prostate exams?  Would Kurt Cobain have continues to embarrassingly dye his hair like Ringo Starr & Paul McCartney do?  Why won't William Shatner just take off that goddamn toupee!?!?!

(That got weird.) (At least he didn't talk about breaking his arm.)

This show, then, can be seen as an acknowledgement of my own growing lack of flexibility (oh no!) (shush!) as well as a kind of fond farewell of a youth I squandered by not really caring if I were agile or flexible or even in a modicum of good health.  The potential bendable me, the potential bendable all of us.  Would that I had bent as much in my heyday as the show this week does.

Also, I did it with a broken arm.  (motherfucker!) (all right, all right)

You can listen to the show over at the embarrassingly rigid Self Help Radio website.  The song about bending are below.  Be careful!  Maybe do some stretches before listening!

(part one)

"Bend" The Icecream Hands _You Can Ride My Bike: The Best Of The Icecream Hands_
"Bend" Jen Wood _Getting Past The Static_
"Bend" Grover _My Wild Life_

"Bend A Little My Way" Nat King Cole _To Whom It May Concern_
"Bend Down" Ernie Smith _The Best Of Ernie Smith_
"Bend Me" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever_
"Bend Me Shape Me" The Outsiders _In_
"Bend It" Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich _Greatest Hits_
"Bend To Break" Twin River _Should The Light Go Out_

"Bent Out Of Shape" The Teardrop Explodes _Wilder_
"Bent Out Of Shape" Young Rival _Interior Light_
"The Metal Benders" Dark Day _Window_
"Bending Halos" Drinking Flowers _New Swirled Order_

"Bend Over Backwards" Archie Powell & The Exports _Great Ideas In Action_

(part two)

"Bent Backwards" Mrs. Kipling _Sunny Sunday Smile_
"Hell Bent On Death" Bogshed _Step On It_
"Hell Bent Suicidal Over You, Baby" The Rainyard _Just A Taste: A Summershine Records Compilation_

"Bending Spoons" Oval-Teen _Ten;Ten_
"Hump From Bending" The Hidden Cameras _Awoo_
"Fahr Mit Mir Un Die Welt (Up Around The Bend)" Bernd Spier _Pop In Germany Vol. 6_
"Just Around The Bend" Holly Golightly & The Brokeoffs _You Can't Buy A Gun When You're Crying_

"Mind Bending Cutie Doll" The Revillos _Attack Of The Giant Revillos_
"Kneebending" Cowboy _A House Full Of Friends_
"Alexander Bends" Butterglory _Downed_
"Halo Bender" The Halo Benders _Don't Tell Me Now_

"Train Round The Bend" The Velvet Underground _Loaded_
"She's So Bendable" The Bravery _Stir The Blood_
"Bendable Poseable" Hot Chip _Made In The Dark_

Whither Bending?

(Original image here.)

Oh how I wish I had had the good humor & cleverness to think of doing a show about bending directly after my lack of flexibility caused me to break a bone!  Alas, that is not the case.  Also, if I'm talking way too much about my current condition, I'll apologize but one of my limbs is not functioning so I think it's understandable that it's on my mind constantly.

Sob! Only the tramadol understands me!  Let's hang out together this afternoon & nap, friend tramadol!

Did I mention that I get like three robo-calls a day from the Trump campaign? I just got one now. They're really creepy. Not just because of Trump's voice bellowing out of my phone the Friends theme song: "I'll be there for you!!"  But also because they're voice-activated, so if I say nothing, the recording (which says "give generously" with the same tone of voice a serial killer says "tell me you love me") won't begin, so I have played robo-call-chicken, just seeing which of us will hang up first.  For the record, the robo-caller will disconnect after a minute, but I usually just hang up or worse, don't answer.  But my outgoing voicemail message will trigger the robo-call, so I get three or more "messages" from the campaign a day.

Does anyone have any idea how much a call costs?  I'm sure they're cheap, but hopefully after weeks of this, I'm costing the campaign a few bucks.  This is not the proper ground for his poison seed.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, a pill & a nap. But! Self Help Radio's show about bending airs tonight in Lexington from 9-11 pm Lexington time, 8-10 pm Fort Worth time, on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & on the WLXU website everywhere.

Please appreciate that it's a radio show made with only one hand.

Preface To Bending: This Is Not The Time Or Place To Complain About A Broken Bone

Here's something cheery to read: the heat death of the universe.

When I was younger, things like this really disturbed me.  Maybe I was a morbid kid.  I remember realizing that I would one day die about the time I was 10 or 11.  It made me very, very sad.

What's sad is a ten-year-old concerned about death, or being sad about some future he read about where all books are being burned, or, you know, stuff like Neal DeGrasse Tyson tweeted recently:

That shit used to keep me up at night!

Not anymore, though.  The longer I live, the less I really care about the fate of the planet, the human race, its creations, time, eternity, all that.  I do feel exceedingly lucky to have lived in a time when I have clean drinking water, recorded music, modern medicine, the Internet, & vegan diners.  If I had been born a hundred years earlier, I would probably have already died from cholera after watching half my children die in childbirth.  That doesn't sound like fun.

What changed?  I think that as I lost my youthful self-absorption, which carried with it a healthy serving of self-importance, I came to find that humans are not nearly as interesting or important as we think we are.  Furthermore, we just destroy everything - look at our planet!

Luckily there are some nice humans that one can spend time with.  Unluckily, they never seem to be in charge of anything.

Common Complaints About Casts (for broken bones)

Casts are confining.
Casts are hot.
When you sweat in casts (because they're hot), you itch.
You itch under the cast.
You cannot scratch an itch in a cast.
Casts come with slings.
Slings are confining.
Slings hurt your neck.
Casts should be signed by friends.
But sometimes you're new in town & have no nearby friends.
Unsigned casts mock you.
Casts can't get wet.
But you get dirty.
Even in a cast, you need to clean yourself.
You have to cover a cast when you shower.
Covering a cast in the shower is deliriously inconvenient.
Casts are terribly inconvenient.
Stupid casts!

What Becomes Of The Broken-Armed?

(Selfie with sling, taken in the ER.)

It's true, I tripped & fell on sidewalk & broke my arm.  According to my wife, who, among other things, is an anatomist, I broke the neck of my radius.  She says my radius, not my ulna, is the support in situations like trying to stop a fall.  Good job, radius! I wish I could fall better.

Oh, & yes, it's my right arm, & I'm right-handed, so these past few days have been slow-going.  Luckily we as a society are not as reliant on writing by hand as we were, so I can use my left hand to hunt & peck things like this blog post.

But. Will there be a Self Help Radio this week?  I have been taking a lot of Tramadol.  However, I am acting as though that will indeed by the case.  This week's show, with the them "bending," will air as scheduled.

The irony isn't lost on me, though - a show about bending almost waylaid by my lack of flexibility.

Self Help Radio 090716: Knives

(Original image here.)

Hopefully this is true: no one listening to this week's show got stabbed.  If so, my work here is done.

If not, it's probably not my fault.  There was definitely an anti-stabby vibe that pervaded the show.

But my heart goes out to victims of knives everywhere.  They should probably not listen to this show; it might just be one long trigger.  So: trigger warning!

Otherwise I think it went as well as could be.  The show is available now at Self Help Radio's knife drawer.  The songs I played are listed below.  The interviews - with knife experts, as well as friends in Dallas & Hollywood - are not listed below.  You'll have to listen to get that content.

& be careful!

(part one)

"Knife" by Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians _Queen Elvis_
"Jack Knife" by Dangtrippers _Days Between Stations_
"Get A Knife Between Your Teeth" by McCarthy _Banking, Violence, & The Inner Life Today_

"Mack The Knife" by Lotte Lenya & Louis Armstrong _Lenya Sings Weill: The American Theatre Songs_
"Drac The Knife" by Gene Moss _Dracula's Greatest Hits_
"Bowie Knife" by Frankie Laine _Hell Bent For Leather!_
"The Randall Knife" by Guy Clark _Better Days_

"We Throw Parties, You Throw Knives" by Los Campesinos! _Sticking Fingers Into Sockets_
"Little Dagger" by Smack Dab _Majestic Root_
"Knives On The Table" by California Oranges _Souvenirs_
"Smiler With Knife" by Morrissey _World Peace Is None Of Your Business_

"100 Knives" by Mirah _You Think It's Like This But Really It's Like This_

(part two)

"My Life Is Like A Stanley Knife (Cut, Cut, Cut)" by Golden Strings _Split 7" bywith Buy Off The Bar_
"My Valuable Hunting Knife" by Guided By Voices _Alien Lanes_
"A Knife For The Girls" by The Long Blondes _Someone To Drive You Home_

"Silver Knife" by Monster Movie _Everyone Is A Ghost_
"She's A Knife" by Looper _The Snare_
"Knives" by Jen Kirkman _Hail To The Freaks_
"Knife Set" by Tochigi _Tochigi_

"Six Inch Gold Blade" by The Birthday Party _Junkyard_
"Nife Fight" by Coachwhips _Get Yer Body Next Ta Mine_
"Dull Knife" by Milkshakes _The Billy Childish Native American Sampler: A History 1983-1993_
"Dancing On A Knife's Edge" by Bill Nelson _The Cocteau Club Singles, Vol. 1: 1982-1983_

"Knife Slits Water" by A Certain Ratio _Sextet_

Whither Knives?

(Original image here.)

Okay, that's a good question.  Why a radio show about knives?

It's not like Self Help Radio hasn't explored other cutlery before.  While still not daring to examine the elusive fork, a healthy discussion about spoons was attempted almost seven years ago to this day.  What makes the dining table such a difficult subject?

Indeed, one can argue that knives themselves transcend the mere act of eating, for they are used for other things - cutting things, killing things, being thrown, among others.  Should this show be lumped in, therefore, to the cutlery category?  Wait, is there a cutlery category?

& isn't "cutlery" one of those words that, if you say or look at them too much, stops to seem less like a word & more like a collection of nonsense syllables?  At some point I started to believe it was spelled "cutlerly," & then I started to imagine what actions one might do in a cutlerly manner.  At times it felt like a knife was carving away vital segments of my brain.

Honestly, the "knife as metaphor" proved too attractive one fateful night.  I was still in Lexington, I believe.  The lights were low, which turned out to be a bad idea, as I was chopping onions.  Two or three seconds later I was covering my newly-sliced finger with a paper towel & trying to figure out when the wife had hidden the band-aids.  Even then, I didn't settle upon the theme, no.  It was later, when I accidentally wrote a poem on the back of iPad (it was still dark) in which I said, "My life is a knife that never cuts what it's supposed to cut."

While I was cleaning the nail polish off the back of my iPad (don't ask), I recognized the words I had written in the middle of the night.  Did I say out loud, to the waiting world, "This shall be a theme for another episode of Self Help Radio?"  Did I frighten my cats & dogs by holding the iPad high above my head & exclaiming, "The show is saved for one more week for We. Have. A. Theme!!"  Did I rush to find a bottle of wine to drink a toast to the Muse, who for whatever reason can't just be direct but has to speak to me in symbol & circumstance?  Did I do all three?

Probably not, but I did think it'd be a good theme.  Will it?  You can decide yourself if you want by listening to tonight's show on from 9-11 pm EST (8-10pm CST) on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington or online at Lexington Community Radio dot org.  I'll tweet along.  Wanna listen?

It's perfectly safe!  All the knives will be in the music!

Flipping The Days

Ooops.  Today should be called "Preface To [Name Of Theme]."  Not yesterday.  My bad.  I'm still not used to this "show on Wednesday" business.  I'll get the hang of it shortly.

It's probably important to point out that no one makes me write in this blog five days a week.  That's a task I set for myself a while back when I thought, "I have this dumb blog, I should write in it."

Most of the time, of course, I have nothing to say, which hasn't stopped anyone online ever, & therefore shall not stop me.  In fact, when I have nothing to say, I sometimes (often?) spend (i.e., waste) time explaining whatever dumb rules I might have for writing on the blog, guaranteeing two things: 1) that I have something to talk about for that day; & b) that I have less & less people reading the blog.

Anyway.  There's a show about knives tomorrow.  Why knives?  I guess that's what's scheduled for tomorrow.  If I remember this time.

Preface To Knives: Three Short Knife Anecdotes

# 1

My mother worked at a convenience store in Garland, Texas, from the mid- to late-1970s.  Because Garland was "dry" - you couldn't buy any kind of alcohol in the city, you had to drive to Dallas to get your beer, wine, or booze - the convenience store made its money with pornography, which was kept on a magazine stand in view of everyone, though on the top racks, away from tiny hands, & with mildly expensive items in a glass case along the front counter like bongs, cheap jewelry, & knives.  Lots of knives.

Not cutlery, of course, but small hunting knives, jack knives, switchblades, so-called "butterfly knives," stuff like that.  I remember they went for prices like 10.95 on tiny handwritten tags connected to the knives by little loops of white thread.  At the time, it seems, all different kinds of blades were so popular that my older brothers - who were about as dangerous as the gang members in West Side Story, although less likely to break into song - carried knives in their pockets.

When I was allowed to rummage through that cabinet, I went to one particular knife, a special switchblade.  I would open it again & again.  But there was no knife in it!  There was a comb!  I would've like to have carried that knife in my back pocket!

# 2

At some point in my childhood I, like many other boys, was given a Swiss Army Knife.  I almost never used it - in particular, I wondered at the corkscrew.  Maybe when the Swiss Army Knife was invented, there were adolescents who might need to unscrew the cork from some bottle or other, but by the time I had gotten one, the only use for a corkscrew would've been a wine bottle.  & frankly I couldn't see the situation where adults needing to open a bottle of chablis but unable to would turn to the dumb little kid & the room & say, "You!  Can you help us?!"

No, the main thing I did with my Swiss Army Knife was open up, in as many ways as possible, all of its components: all the blades, the little scissors, the phillips-head screwdriver, the nail file, the corkscrew.  I liked the contrast between the little red oval of potential & the spazzy result of all its parts out, uselessly, for the world to see.

I understand that children were not the intended customers for the Swiss Army Knife, but I never, never saw an adult with one as a child.  They were generally given to children.  & as a child, I thought the thing was supposed to be a toy.

# 3

I'm a middle-aged man now, although I think I'm probably way past the mid-point of my life, & one of the things I've come to enjoy as I get older is cooking.  I doubt I'm very good at it, but it makes the wife happy & I have come to an understanding with food that lets us both do our jobs without too much time wasted & too much misery & injury.

Except of course you need knives for food preparation.  & I can count the number of times I've cut myself while chopping things many times over on the fingers I am very fortunate I still have, despite my clumsiest efforts.

In fact, I keep a first-aid kit in the kitchen now, because I will bleed like a motherfucker when I cut myself.  My ritual behavior is to first be shocked coupled with self-loathing & anger when it happens, followed by the inevitable holding of a paper towel on the affected area (usually a finger) for a number of minutes to stop the bleeding all the while cursing myself for a fool, & then, once the bleeding seems in control, the dipping of the finger in alcohol or hydrogen peroxide & the delicious sting that comes along, & finally the application of the band-aid.

Here's a confession: I am very queasy when my blood is taken at the doctor.  I sometimes come close to passing out.  But I have no qualms about a bleeding finger the tip of which I've inadvertently sliced off instead of part of a bell pepper.  It doesn't faze me.

Here's another confession: while I won't say I like it, that it tastes good or anything, I do like to taste my own blood at those times.  I'm glad I know how my blood tastes.  I don't know why that is.

This Week's Show Is About Knives

Here's a picture I found on Tumblr with some passing familiarity to the theme:

Would that it were true!

Self Help Radio 083116: Lakes

(Original image here.)

Seriously I am trying to remember the last time I was at a lake.  I know I've driven by a dozen lakes in the past year - you have to cross a lake to get into the Dallas area from the East on I-30.  There's also a super cool lake you drive over somewhere in Tennessee, if I am remembering correctly, between Nashville & Memphis.  I know!  Sometime in the past year, when visiting Dallas, we spent time at White Rock Lake, walking the dogs down there!  It wasn't quite the same lake visit that others have, but it was "time at the lake."

Meanwhile, I tried to bring Texas Lake Culture (tm) (as if that's a thing that's different elsewhere) to Kentucky with the first Self Help Radio on WLXU.  While I remain grateful for the opportunity to do
the show, I am still a bit ambivalent about two things: 1) doing a show so far away on a station in another city that celebrates "local" programming; & b) doing a prerecorded show that's actually airing & not downloadable as a podcast.  I am certain I can get over both these things, but I will understand completely if someone notices that SHR isn't local & wants to do another show at that time.  Completely totally understand.

Meanwhile, if you missed it, or miss the lake, or for any reason really, this week's Self Help Radio is now available at the Self Help Radio website.  It's in two parts, there's a password, yadda yadda yoda.  The songs I played are listed below.  The interviews - there are four of them! - are not.  There!  Some enticement for ya!

(part one)

"Year Of The Lake" The Smittens _Believe Me_
"Lake Como" Celestial _Dream On_
"The Sand That Holds The Lakes In Place (Lake)" His Name Is Alive _Stars On ESP_

"Loch Ness Monster" King Horror _Wavy Gravy_
"Claramount Lake" Tomorrow _Tomorrow_
"The Lake" Laurie Anderson _Homeland_

"Lake Lagoon" Jandek _Graven Image_
"Lake Of Fire" Meat Puppets _Meat Puppets II_
"Back To The Lake" Guided By Voices _Universal Truths & Cycles_
"The Deepest Lake On The Planet" Dengue Fever _The Deepest Lake_

"The Lake Isle Of Innisfree" The Waterboys _An Appointment With Mr. Yeats_

(part two)

"Indian Lake" The Cowsills _Captain Sad & His Ship Of Fools_
"Lake House" Vivian Girls _Share The Joy_
"Chandelier Lake" Tilly & The Wall _O_

"Deep Forbidden Lake" Neil Young _Decade_
"The Bottomless Lake" John Prine _Aimless Love_
"Lake Wasood" Michael Showalter _Sandwiches & Cats_
"Lake Front" Belmondo _Lake Front 7"_

"The Truth About Lake Ronkonkama" My Favorite _Love At Absolute Zero_
"Lakeside View Apartments Suite" The Mountain Goats _Transcendental Youth_
"Great Five Lakes (Cornelius remix)" Buffalo Daughter _CM - Cornelius Remixes_

"Lake Song" The Decemberists _What A Terrible World, What A Beautiful World_
"We Live By The Lake" Fanfarlo _Fire Escape_

Whither Lakes?

(This image from a Youtube video about the deepest lakes in the world.)

Why do a radio show about lakes?  Is it because I have recently traveled from a state that has fewer lakes to one than has more?  Or the opposite?  Does Kentucky have more or less lakes than Texas?

Certainly that seems a trick questions.  Texas is over six times larger than Kentucky.  You can drive from Ashland, at Kentucky's northeast tip, to Paducah, at its southwest tip, in under seven hours.  That's around 378 miles.  To get from Texarkana to El Paso (814 miles) takes half a day.  More telling, you can travel from Bowling Green in the south to Covington in the north in only three hours or so (218 miles); to travel from Brownsville, Texas, at the state's southern tip, to Amarillo, Texas, in the Panhandle (777 miles) takes another half a day - & that's not even the northernmost part of the state!

The lesson is clear: it takes a hell of a lot longer to get out of Texas than it does to get out of Kentucky.

What that has to do with lakes is this: Texas could have more lakes than Kentucky just because it's so big.  But I checked this website, which calculates what percentage of the state's area is water, & it's interesting: Kentucky is 2.3% water, while Texas is just 2.7%.  So maybe not much of a difference in lakes, after all.  (The page lets us know that the United States is 7% water.  I feel that should be more.  Don't you?)

In any event, I can safely say that the number of lakes in Texas vs the number of lakes in Kentucky had nothing to do with why the show today is about lakes.  I thought about doing a show about lakes one day while listening to Dengue Fever's last album, which is called "The Deepest Lake."  From tiny acorns of inspiration do such big radio shows grow.

& of course, the show will air tonight!  Oh my golly!  On 93.9 fm WXLU in Lexington, & online at lexingtoncommunityradio.org (please choose the WXLU side)!  That's from 9-11pm Kentucky time & 8-10pm Texas time, & other times depending on where you are & how you got there.  The show will technically air later there than here, which is a trip.

Maybe you'll be listening along with me!

Preface To Lakes: Well? Will It Be On The Radio Or Not?

(This is a lake I live near these days.  I found this image here.)

To answer my own question, yes, I think the show will air tomorrow night on 93.9 fm WLXU Lexington, & online simultaneously at Lexington Community Radio dot org (just choose WXLU).  I put the show together today & delivered it to the powers-that-be in Lexington.  I imagine I could easily have done something wrong, so never discount user error when it comes to me.

It's very strange to have finished a radio show more than a day before it airs.  I much prefer to put the show together in real time.  I miss it, & hope I'll get to do that again soon.  But for now: tomorrow night there's a new Self Help Radio airing in Lexington & all over the internets.  & I'll be around to live stream it on Twitter!

It's been a long day.  I need to sleep now.

Oh What A Mess I Am

It might not seem so, but there's a lot of work that goes into an episode of Self Help Radio.  Not to be whiny about it, but it does take some time, & I have been waylaid by the deadline of the Wednesday show which - I believe - is tomorrow.

Tomorrow!  I am woefully unprepared!

In fact, there's a good chance that I might not be able to premiere (or re-premiere) on WLXU this Wednesday.  If so, I'll put the show up - it's prerecorded no matter what - on Friday.  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm going to be working as hard as I can to get it done.

By the way, this is me lowering expectations.  I shouldn't have to - certainly expectations of me are as low as is pretend polite - but I received some nice responses to my announcement yesterday that, even if they were sweetly faked sentiments, it seems to me I should be responsive to them.  & so.

Self Help Radio may or may not be on on WLXU on Wednesday! I will do all in my power to make sure it is! But my power is hardly ever enough! This is my admonishment!

You Can Take The Show Out Of Kentucky... Or Can You?

(Oh, you know about this place!)

Stranger & strangerer is the life of Self Help Radio.

Some things are certain:

1. I no longer live in Kentucky.
2. In fact, I live in Fort Worth, Texas.
3. Self Help Radio has yet to find a radio home here.
4. That doesn't matter, I'll do it anyway, & just post it online.
5. Meanwhile, back in Lexington.
6. The people I knew in radio in Kentucky were the coolest people in the world.
7. WLXU has offered Self Help Radio a spot from far away.
8. So Self Help Radio is returning to the Kentucky airways.

Yeah, I know.  The marvelous folks at WLXU, which is one-half of the Lexington Community Radio stations at which I did Cradle To Grave for about half a year, have said they'll air Self Help Radio (pre-recorded, of course) starting (I hope) next week.  Next Wednesday in fact.  From 9-11pm EST.

(My brain needs to translate: that's 8-10pm CST.)

Much gratitude to the station & especially station manager Chuck Clenney for this opportunity.  If you enjoyed listening when the show was on WRFL, maybe it'll be as much fun on WLXU.  Folks keep asking me if the show is "syndicated," which is silly - of course not!  It's airing exclusively on WLXU.  For now.  When I find a home here, I'll do it here, although that may not preclude me doing it back there.  Or a different show.  Or something.

So. Ain't that a kick in the head?!?