Self Help Radio 112316: Black & White

Hello, it's the day after Thanksgiving.  I decided not to put the show up yesterday because it was a holiday & also I was very busy.  Not doing holiday stuff, at all.  But busy nonetheless.  Hey - life isn't always black & white!

But this week's show was!  In addition to tons of songs about things both black & white, I talked to a famous film director who only makes black & white movies, & to a world-renowned artist who has chosen to only paint in black & white, & we talk to my spiritual mentor about rigid belief systems that see things in only black & white.  Wow!  That almost excited me, & I was there!

The show is of course at the Self Help Radio website.  There's a password you know, it's on the page.  Lots of black & white songs are below, you synesthete you!

(part one)

"Black, Brown & White" Brownie McGhee _Songs For Political Action, Vol. 6: The People's Songs Era 1945-1949_
"Black & White" The Raincoats _The Raincoats_
"Black & White" Crippled Pilgrims _Down Here (Collected Recordings 1983-1985)_

"Black & White" Serge Gainsbourg _Initials B.B._
"Black & White" The Windbreakers _Meet The Windbreakers_
"Black & White" The Nuns _Rumania_
"Black & White" The Upper Room _Other People's Problems_

"Black & White" Generationals _Actor-Caster_
"Black & White" Parquet Courts _Sunbathing Animal_
"In My Black & White" Plasticland _Mink Dress & Other Cats_
"Black & White Unite" Belle & Sebastian _Storytelling_

"Black Or White" Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel _Timeless Flight_

(part two)

"Black & White Thunderbird" The Delicates _Hot Rods & Custom Classics_
"Black & White Incident" Marc Bolan _Love + Death_
"Black & White World" Elvis Costello _Taking Liberties_

"Black Minds, White Lies" Salty Pirates _The Kids At The Club_
"White Face, Black Eyes" Andrew Jackson Jihad _Can't Maintain_
"White Lung/Black Lung" GRMLN _Soon Away_
"Black In A White World" The Watts Prophets _Things Gonna Get Greater: The Watts Prophets 1969-1971_

"Me & The Black & White Dream" The Orchids _Unholy Soul_
"In Black & White" Easy _In Black & White_
"Black & White (& Blue All Over)" Cleaners From Venus _Back From The Cleaners_
"Born & Raised In Black & White" The Highwaymen _The Very Best Of The Highwaymen_

"Black Tie White Noise" David Bowie _Black Tie White Noise_

Whither Black & White?

(This image from here.)

Eek, I don't have a lot of time but I do need to tell you that tonight's show - which has the theme "black & white" - will be on the air in just like three hours oh hell! in Lexington 93.9 fm WLXU!!

Plus I will be on the air tomorrow morning at 7am holy moley! in Dallas on 89.3 fm KNON!!

Seriously, I barely know whether I am going or going or coming or going or coming or coming or going.  Where am I?  What am I?  I which it were all as simple as black & white!

Preface To Black & White: A Week On The Radio

Check this: I am going to have three radio shows on three different radio stations this week, in two different cities!

No, I won't be traveling around like some kind of Phil Collins going from one Live Aid to another*, that would be crazy!  But here's the Gary you'll hear if you care to hear some Gary this late in the year:

1) My regular show, on 93.9 fm WLXU, Self Help Radio, from 8-10 central, 9-11 eastern, a show in black & white, that's the theme, tomorrow night, like always, Lexington Community Radio dot org.

2) My first ever sub show on 89.3 fm KNON in Dallas!  7-9 am central, 8-10am eastern, Thanksgiving morning, covering Dave Chaos' Thursday Morning Blend, KNON dot org.  Very excited about this - my first radio show in the metroplex!

3) Early morning radio on 88.1 fm WRFL, 1-4 am central, 2-5am eastern, taking (in a remote way) some shifts while the kids are away for the holidays.  It'll be my regular late night fare, nothing to wake up for, you've heard it & turned it off, WRFL dot fm.

It's complete insanity!  But I hope I have a lot of fun.  Also, that I don't fuck it up.

* Very dated 1980s reference.

Toward A More Depressing World

Imagine if I were an actual kind of columnist, & had to sit down on a regular basis (for some reason, in my mind's eye, I am thinking of sitting down to a typewriter*) & write a regular column for an actual publication.  Yes, perhaps this is what this blog is about, but here's something you have suspected said out loud by me: I actually have almost nothing to say.

Except of course I do.  For example, here are my last couple of tweets (which you could read as they happen if you follow the show on Twitter):

1) When I first heard,"Good artists make, great artists steal," I thought it meant that good artists compel great artists to commit theft.

That's an awkwardly worded confession about confusing sentence structure crammed into 140 unforgiving characters.  Hardly amusing, but I heard someone say that sentence today & it reminded me how confused I was when I first came across the adage.  "How in the world," I thought to myself, "do merely good artists somehow force actual great artists to steal?  & what kind of stealing?  Shoplifting?  Bank robbery?  Trump-style investment rip-offs?"  Then I saw the comma & went, "Ohhh."'

2) These tweets were a two-fer:

One of my pet peeves is when a movie or TV show uses a dreadful but familiar classic rock song at some dramatic moment.  It's like, I know Hollywood is controlled by baby boomers but for fuck's sake some really great music has been made in the last fifty years.

This was a result of a pretty decent season finale of the wonderful show Better Things having the mother drive her daughters somewhere while a horrendous old song by Alice Cooper called Only Women Bleed.  But it's a song that's been played on the radio pretty much all my life, & Louis CK & Pamela Adlon are just a little older than I am, & they probably haven't listened to any new music since they were in their 20s.

Mainly I felt it was a disservice to make the young female actors learn the words to that overblown attempt at rock & roll social relevance.  "The song is often mistakenly presumed to be about menstruation," Wikipedia says.  No shit?  Why's that?  Idiots.

But ultimately none of this matters, because I don't have a hand in doing anything creative in Hollywood but it pains me, as someone who spends a great deal of time listening to new music - & certainly not the sort of music Louis CK & Pamela Adlon listen to on commercial radio with their kids, music they most definitely roll their eyes at - but really great new music that will never find its way onto television shows (or commercial radio).  & I wish they knew it.

& don't say, "But Gary, that's a great song."  It might be, but I doubt it.  It's a familiar song.  Just like every fucking familiar song in every fucking movie trailer, even the ones for millenials.  It's just depressing how for the most part, no one in any creative sphere seems to think there's been any music worth listening to for the past thirty plus years.

When they do use music, they use disposable commercial pop that will date the movie terribly in the years to come.

That's my opinion anyway.  I wish I had a job picking music for movies.  I'd be all right at it.

But as a columnist cranking out a daily think-piece?  Like with this blog, man, I'd suck at it.

* It's probably because everything I learned about newspapers I learned from the 1950s Superman TV program.

These Moments, Every Second Just Stuffed In

The year almost over, it's a shame the leaves haven't fallen yet.

Except they have, in places unlike this one.

You're too shy, aren't you, to ask the stranger about the lake.

You just wanted to take pictures of the birds there.

The signs say "lost" as if losing time & place was intention.

Appointments are like bills, paid with different currency.

Spend a long time driving now, another meditation.

Apartment blocks along the highway seem built of sorrow.

You imagine music coming out of places where no music lives.

Finally remembering to sing a song into your phone so you don't forget it.

There are faces, there are voices, which can cripple you.

The blink of a lover's eye, better than anything on film.

A cat leaps up, sits close, doesn't need a reason.

She stole a glass for you, she even claimed she thought of it herself.

Wait!  A complaint!  Imagine it in silver or gold.

& remember how to open & close doors just in fucking case.

Self Help Radio 111616: Letting Go

(Original image here.)

It's time to let go.  I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, But how can I let go?  It's mine, I claim it, I just can't let go.  Yes, you can!  You can let go by embracing letting go!  You can embrace letting go by listening to a radio show about letting go!  Then, once you're done that, let that go!  Until you have nothing!  Because you've let it all go!

After that, of course, you're on your own.  Quite literally.

Does this seem too extreme?  Of course it is!  This is just a dumb radio show!  It's probably of no help to anyone at all!  So it might be better to just listen to it for the music & the occasional absurd interview.  & who knows?  Maybe even Idina Menzel will stop by!  (She won't.)

The show can be listened to now at the Self Help Radio website.  There are password & username issues, pay attention to that.  Two hours of songs in two parts are listed below.

Now I let you go, little radio show!  Fly away!  Fly!

(part one)

"I Gotta Let You Go" Martha Reeves & The Vandellas _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 10: 1970_
"Let Me Go" The Julie Ruin _Hit Reset_
"Jenny Let Him Go" Antoinette _The Girls Scene_

"Let Her Go" The Lodger _Grown-Ups_
"Letting It Go" Bears _Simple Machinery_
"If You Love Him, Let Him Go" The Wilderness Children _If You Love Him, Let Him Go_
"Let It All Go" Elmo Williams & Hezekiah Early _Takes One To Know One_

"Just Let Go" The Seeds _A Web Of Sound_
"Let Go" Johnny Thunders & The Heartbreakers _L.A.M.F._
"Let Go" The Plugz _Electrify Me_
"Let Me Go" Nouvelle Vague _Bande A Part_

"Letting Go" Karsh Kale _Liberation_

(part two)

"Please Let Me Go" Owen Gray _Island Records' 40th Anniversary, Volume 1: 1959-1964 - Ska's The Limit_
"Let Me Go, Lover!" Hank Snow _Country USA 1954_
"Now, Let It Go" Loney Dear _River Fontana_

"I Let It Go" The Thermals _Now We Can See_
"Let Us Go" The Church _Further Deeper_
"Let It Go" Bangles _Different Light_
"Let It All Go (feat. Preservation Hall Jazz Band)" Beats Antique _Shadowbox_

"Let It Go" The Chesterfields _Crocodile Tears_
"Letting Go" Fat Tulips _Starfish_
"Let Go" Siouxsie & The Banshees _Downside Up_
"Let Go" The Postmarks _The Postmarks_

"Let 'Em Go" TV Smith _Immortal Rich_
"I'm Letting Go" Sam Kogon _Psychic Tears_

Whither Letting Go?

(Image from here.)

Well, it makes sense, doesn't it?  After the week we've had?  We need to let go.  Otherwise we'll all go batshit crazy.

Oh no - could this be one of these times when Self Help Radio actually has some element of self-help in it?  That's a bad sign.  I'm always afraid it'll tip that way & soon enough I'll be in a blazer hosting seminars.  But.  What's done is done.  & what's dun is dun.  & that's as far as I'm going to go with that.

Listen, if you need help letting go, tonight from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on 93.9 fm in Lexington & online at lexington community radio dot org.  I'll be glad you did!

Preface To Letting Go: Never Letting Go Of Morrissey

Oh no!

Look, I'd be astonished if I actually got to see Morrissey.  I've bought tickets to see him four times, & have only seen him once - & consider myself quite lucky.  But I really did want to see him tomorrow night.  So I am a bit bummed out.  The hits keep coming, 2016.

Here's the thing: my show airs the same time as the concert, so I wouldn't be able to live tweet it, had I gotten to go to the show.  So, thanks Morrissey?  I get to listen to my show & tweet it.  So much more exciting than seeing one of my idols perform live.

I'll still get to see Todd Barry on Thursday.  That will help with the pain.

Leonard Cohen

(Image from discogs.com.)

When I found out Leonard Cohen had died, Thursday evening, I was listening to a show I like on KTCU, a station here in town (that didn't want me as a deejay even though it does have non-student deejays), called Night Skool.  I had to turn the station off.  I was completely wrecked.  & since I had been posting stuff on Facebook, I wrote a bunch on Facebook.  I started with this:

I first became aware of Leonard Cohen when I saw the video for "First We Take Manhattan" on 120 Minutes on MTV in 1988. That guy who hosted it, Kevin whatever, laughed when he announced the video, like, "What the fuck?" But I was intrigued by the first lines of the song:

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom
For trying to change the system from within

I went out & bought "I'm Your Man" as soon as I could. I didn't know anything about him. I just felt I needed that album - & boy did I.

I continued:

Later I saw a best of collection at a used record store in Garland, which I snatched up.  I put the record on with my friend Dale probably in 1989 or 1990.  The song "Suzanne" was first.  Both of us looked at each other when the song was over like "This is the shit."

My relationship with Leonard Cohen deepened to utmost importance.  I became obsessed.

I remember walking - walking! - on a damp November day in 1992 across the fields that are now the townhomes & shops that are "The Triangle" in Austin to get to the Sound Warehouse (or whatever chain store it was) on Burnet Road just to buy a copy of "The Future."  It was a cold day by Austin standards but the album had just been released, it was confirmed in stock by a phone call, & I had heard "The Future" on the radio - probably KUT.  I consumed that record.

I consumed all his records. They are sacred to me. I listened to his new one last week & was a little disappointed, although I love the title track. He could disappoint, but he was never disappointing.

One thing I feel so lucky about is that I got to see him in 1993.  Here is me from Facebook talking about it:

I got to see him live just once, in 1993, at the Backyard, back when it was in the middle of nowhere. He was amazing. He did four sets, two of them all by himself. I went with my friends Lauren & Russell. Lauren remarked about how strange it was that there were all these women her mother's age who were swooning like teenagers over the Beatles. At one point, he came out with just a guitar, & sang a few songs without his band, & he was doing "A Singer Must Die," & you could hear a police car approaching in the distance. He stopped, & he said, "Listen." The audience waited quietly, reverently, as the doppler sirens faded, & he said, "What a sad & beautiful sound," & he started a different song.

At the end of the show, as he was wont to do, the band & he sang a hymn acapella.  As we were leaving - as we were feeling better than any human ever really should feel, as we were all part of whatever beauty & truth & darkness & light he could conjure up with a whisper or impart with a growl or melodic & tunelessly sing, someone behind us was complaining.  He said, "What the hell?  After all that making fun of religion, & he ended with a hymn?"  My friend Russell said to me, "It's weird to think someone could sit through such an experience & that was all that could take away from it."

My conclusion was this:

I've read both his books - The Favourite Game & Beautiful Losers - I prefer the former - & all of his poetry.  I've listened to all of his albums so many times that they're a part of my fucking DNA.  I am weeping over the keyboard as I write this, because there isn't anyone like him, & there never really was anyone like him, & I owe him so much.  That gracious, gracious man, who had only a dim understanding what vitriol was, who could put into a simple words the deepest of feelings, whose voice, as it deepened with every cigarette he smoked, sounded like it was something that came from before humans knew how to speak, observations of a kinder cosmos to people who thought they needed redemption especially when they didn't, that lovely, lovely man, from whom I've taken so much & given so very little.

Or as he would say to me, "Hey, that's no way to say goodbye."

I have nothing else to say.  This is a tremendous loss to me, to the world.  But how fortunate to have lived for a time in a world where Leonard Cohen lived!

In the new year, I'll do a tribute radio show for him.  For now, the wound is too fresh.

I Can't Go On, I Must Go On

Apologies to Samuel Beckett.

Apologies to you, if you're someone who reads this blog.  I won't be able to talk about the election without sounding like the entire time I'm shaping a rope into a noose & looking around for which ceiling beams will hold my weight.  It's just too much.

& then, to lose Leonard Cohen.  Oh for fuck's sake.

So.  Give me a little time.  I'll write something about the latter tomorrow.

The former?  I'm just going to suffer in silence, like I imagine all the dumb, dumb people who voted for the president-elect will have to do when they realize he couldn't give a shit about them.

My country.  Damn.

Self Help Radio 110916: Guitars

(Original image here.)

In my mind's eye, I was approached by an irate, possibly overly literal listener, who accosted me & said, "A show about guitars should have featured great guitarists, not simply songs about guitars!"  As is my way, I am loathe to defend my meager radio offerings, but smiled & agreed, thinking, sure "Great Guitarists" might also be a swell theme in the future, although my first inclination would be to look for songs about great guitarists (like the Richard Thompson song at the end of the show) rather than to celebrate & play them - something I feel like you can find anywhere, in lists by magazines & websites, in opinion pieces by opinionated people, really, anywhere.  Self Help Radio likes to pretend there's something here that you might not find in a lot of places, though it understands the derivative nature of its premise all too well!

When I live-tweeted the show last night, I was struck by how innocent it all felt, even though it was recorded just about thirty-six hours earlier.  I don't want to harp on this - I have a feeling this election means tremendous changes are coming to my country, & while there are many who believe such changes will be great, I have an ominous feeling it will be exactly the opposite.  But.  I am pessimistic to the bone, man.

Here!  Have a radio show about guitars!  It's breezy fun even if you don't know what a chord is (I sure don't)!  At the Self Help Radio website in two parts!  The songs I played are below!  Why so many exclamation marks!  I don't know!  I just don't know!

Hope you enjoy.

-----

(part one)

"You & My Old Guitar" Jimmie Rodgers _Jimmie Rodgers: The Singing Brakeman, Vol. 1_
"I'm A Guitar King" Tommy McClennan _The Bluebird Recordings 1939-1942_
"Talking Guitars Blues" Lonnie Donegan _The Collection_

"Guitar Man" Elvis Presley _Elvis Presley's Greatest Hits_
"Tennessee Flat Top Box" Johnny Cash _The Essential Johnny Cash 1955-1983_
"Best Guitar Picker" George Jones _She Thinks I Still Care: The Complete United Artists Recordings, 1962-1964_
"Guitar" Louis C.K. _Live In Houston_
"New Guitar In Town" The Lurkers _The Collection_
"Guitar" The 2X4's _The 2X4's_

"Electric Guitar" Talking Heads _Fear Of Music_
"Fender Stratocaster" Jonathan Richman _Jonathan Richman_
"The Guitar" They Might Be Giants _Apollo 18_
"Cool Guitar Boy" Heavenly _Heavenly Vs Satan_

"This Old Guitar" Neil Young _Praire Wind_

(part two)

"Acoustic Guitar" The Magnetic Fields _69 Love Songs_
"My Guitar" Dear Nora _Dreaming Out Loud EP 7"_
"Five Guitars" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Ponyoak_

"Sucker For A Cheap Guitar" Marc Bristol _Rockabilly Hall Of Fame, Vol. 1_
"You Stepped On My Guitar" Bikeride _Summer Winners, Summer Losers_
"The Jokes With Guitar" Demetri Martin _These Are Jokes_
"Guitar Man" David J _Guitar Man_

"This Old Guitar" Lucinda Williams _The Music Is You: A Tribute To John Denver_
"Working Girl's Guitar" Rosie Flores _Working Girl's Guitar_
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps" The Drowners _Muted To A Whisper_
"My Guitar" The Submissives _Do You Really Love Me_

"Guitar Heroes" Richard Thompson _Still_
"Drunken Guitar" The Lushes _Las Vegas Grind, Vol. 2_

Whither Guitars?

(That picture from here.)

Well.  I'm sure you appreciate how difficult it would be to do a radio show in the current climate.  I mean, though Self Help Radio is pretty ridiculous, it certainly supports love over hate, it plays music by people of color all around the world, by women, by musicians of every sexual stripe.  It abhors hate, it abhors exclusion.  Where you can hear Self Help Radio has always been on college &/or community radio stations where diversity is celebrated, appreciated, desired, treasured.  Sexual predators, bigots, homophobes - I suppose I've lived in a bubble, but they did not find their way to the noncommercial radio stations where Self Help Radio has called home.

The truth is, I probably wouldn't do a show tonight if I had my druthers - my heart's not in it today.  But.  Self Help Radio is prerecorded.  I live in Fort Worth, it airs in Lexington & streams all over the world.  I put the show together earlier yesterday, a million years ago it seems now.  You'll hear me explaining that I just don't know who would be president.  But I had hoped it wouldn't have turned out this way.

& I do think it's a fun show.  Lots of songs about guitars, plus the funniest friends I have pretend to be ridiculous guests & hopefully will make you laugh as much as they do me.  I interview my old guitar teacher, a legendary guitar god, a maker of artisan guitars, & a friend in Hollywood who talks about actors who are musicians.  Maybe it will take your mind off how ugly the world is today for some of us.

The show is on tonight from 9-11pm Eastern, 8-10pm Central, on 89.3 fm WLXU in Lexington, & online at lexingtoncommunityradio dot org.  I'll live tweet the show from my sad computer, so follow me on Twitter & join in on the "fun."

& love each other, & prepare yourself.  It's going to get really quite awful.

Preface To Guitars: You Can't Seriously

Ask me to talk about a stupid radio show when the fate of the republic is at stake, can you?

No.  No.

The Election Day Dilemma

Here's the weirdest thing about this week's show (which is about guitars): I will have finished the show, which airs on Wednesdays, before I'll know who's won the presidency.

What do you mean, Gary?  You mean, you don't know?  Self Help Radio is prerecorded.  I turn the show in Tuesday afternoons.  But you know what else is happening Tuesday?  Right: either the historic election of the first woman President Of The United States, or the last election for an American President, as Emperor Trump takes the tacky gold-plated throne.  & there's absolutely no way for me to know which (I mean, polls favor Clinton, but I am pessimist & know there are going to be stories about white supremacists beating people of color up tomorrow).  & certainly that would affect how I would act on the show - elation & relief if Clinton won, fear & exasperation if Trump won.

None of that will be on display on this week's show.  Because I won't know.  It will be as if the show took a twenty-four hour nap & woke up & gabbed about shit for two hours like nothing monumental has happened.

It's driving me nuts!  I almost thought about skipping the show this week.  But my "guests" have contributed, & I have all these damn songs about guitars, so...

Fallen Colonels

Because, I guess, I am a morbid fuck, I spent some time yesterday looking at this web site (from which the weirdly pro-Confederate picture above comes from*): Fallen Colonels.  There's also a Facebook page with photos, though it's hard to get through, as there are no names attached to the photos until you click on them.

How I found about the site, of course, was when my sister Pat died last year, & she & I - actually, all of my siblings - went to South Garland High School.  (Only four of us graduated from the school, though.  Three of my siblings dropped out, which was apparently the cool thing to do in the 1970s.)  My brother Steve informed whoever's in charge & her name's there, & her picture is on the Facebook page.  For some reason, a year & a half later, I found myself back at the site.

What fascinated me yesterday was the people in my high school class (we graduated in 1986) who have since left this mortal coil.  The site lists 21, out of a class of 430, although one of them, Marla Jones, died when she was a freshman (she committed suicide**), & another, Christy Ann Holland, apparently also attended only as a freshman, so that adds two to the number.  However, if we do the math, that's a little under 5% of the class - which means a little less than 1 in 20 people I graduated high school with are no longer with us.

& look at how they went!  Five died in car accidents, five by heart attack.  Four have causes that are unknown, while two were taken by cancer.  There was one murder, one suicide, & two congenital diseases.  Finally, Miss Holland, mentioned above, died of "unspecified health issues."

Interestingly, it more or less jibes with the stats by the CDC.  Heart disease is the number one cause of death in this country, followed by cancer.  Accidents are fourth.  More than half of my classmates died of these three causes.

Here's the thing: except for Marla Jones, whom I never really knew, & two others I'll discuss below, I have no idea who any these people are.  I don't have any memory of them whatsoever.  That may seem callous, & I certainly feel uncomfortable about it, but it's pretty obvious that I couldn't have known all 430 members of my graduating class.  But what of the two I think I knew?

While scrolling through the Facebook page, I came across Mark Taylor.  I don't recall the name, but the face - from the yearbook - definitely was familiar.  I may have sat next to him in one class or two, & remember him being friendly with me.  Perhaps he sat in front of me in English class in the 10th grade.  I was a pretty chatty fellow, & if that were Mark, he was easy to talk to, & easy to crack up, something I required.  If it wasn't him - well I have no idea either way.

The other was a girl named Jackie Bodiford.  I remember the name - it's actually quite fun to say - & I recall her face, even without seeing her yearbook picture.  We must have had some interactions, as I have a fleeting memory of making her laugh.  But that's all.  She makes me saddest of the group - she died very young, at the age of 22, when I was finishing college, & the site doesn't tell us how she died.

Mostly I confess I feel strangely fortunate to still be around thirty years after graduation.  I wasn't popular, I didn't have a lot of friends, & I'm not in contact with anyone I knew from school in 1986.  But sometimes we need to stand face-to-face with our mortality, & let it fuck up our minds a bit.  So I took some time to do that today.

* As I've talked about before, like here, my high school's mascot was "the Colonel," which was a diminutive military type dressed in Confederate garb.  My school's motto was "The South Shall Rise Again."

** I have very strong memories of first-period algebra the Monday after Marla Jones committed suicide.  She locked herself in a garage on a weekend night & turned the car on.  I was fascinated by seeing all of these girls - Marla's friends - just crying in the class, & my feelings about her death were mixed - she & those other girls had enjoyed making fun of me most of the semester.  I'm not sure we were ever told why she took her own life.

Self Help Radio 110216: Tenderness

(Original image here.)

Man, this show was tender!  Like a bruise!  Like the first shoots of spring!  Like someone who tends to things!  I mean, really, really tender!  It has made me feel rather vulnerable.

But that's fine.  I have been told I am a scab-picker.  On this day, included along with the tenderest music this side of a baby's crib, I speak with that huggable sensation The Tenderizer, & I talk tenderness with my spiritual advisor, the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently.  Also, I take a call from a listener who is not tender-hearted at all, but has an issue with the theme!  It's all done as tenderly as possible. It just has to be.

If you would like to, you can listen at the Self Help Radio web page - surely the tenderest spot on the internet!  Pay attention to passwords!  The songs so tenderly played are below.

I'm so glad this show wasn't about getting the shit kicked out of you.

-----

(part one)

"Softly & Tenderly" The Prisonaires _Just Walkin' In The Rain_
"(Love Is) The Tender Trap" Frank Sinatra _The Capitol Years_
"Love Me Tender" Elvis Presley _Elvis' Golden Records_

"Try A Little Tenderness" Otis Redding _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"In These Very Tender Moments" Dee Clark _Dave Godin's Deep Soul Treasures, Vol. 3_
"T.L.C. (Tender Loving Care)" P.J. _The Complete Motown Singles Vol. 11B: 1971_
"She Weaves A Tender Trap" The Chocolate Watchband _No Way Out_

"Love For Tender" Elvis Costello & The Attactions _Get Happy!!_
"Tender Object" Orange Juice _You Can't Hide Your Love Forever_
"Tenderness" General Public _...All The Rage_
"Tenderness Is A Weakness" Marc Almond _Vermine In Ermine_

"Sweetness & Tenderness" The Rentals _Return Of The Rentals_
"Tender Are The Ashes" Honeybus _She Flies Like A Bird: The Anthology_

(part two)

"Tender Is The Night (The Long Fidelity)" The Triffids _Born Sandy Devotional_
"Tender Love" Poison Girls _Statement: The Complete Recordings_
"Sweet & Tender Hooligan" The Smiths _Louder Than Bombs_

"Tender Comrade" Billy Bragg _Workers Playtime_
"Tender Young Believer" Reserve _Two Hearts Beat In A Hole 12"_
"Tender Circles" Let's Whisper _Make Me Smile_
"Heart Out To Tender" Robert Forster _Danger In The Past_

"Tender" Monaco _Music For Pleasure_
"My Tender-Hearted You" The Steamkings _Boom!_
"Tender People" Japanther _Skuffed Up My Huffy_
"Tender" Lisa Hannigan _At Swim_

"Tender" Blur _13_

Whither Tenderness?

(This photo, which is called "Tenderness," comes from here.)

The reason this week's Self Help Radio is a tender show, a radio show about tenderness, is quite simple: last week's show was about death!  It's hard to come back from a show about death, you know?  Nearly any other theme  you could think of would somehow seem tacky or downright offensive after a show about death!  I needed something to counteract that toxic theme - or, better yet, give a reason for us to exist together on this planet despite the fact that death will get us all in the end.  Therefore, I thought I'd try a little tenderness.

Self Help Radio's tenderest episode yet airs tonight from 9-11pm eastern (8-10pm central) on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online at the Lexington Community Radio web page.  If you feel a lack of tenderness in your life, hey!  Self Help Radio is here for you, friend.  Listen in!

Preface To A Tender Show: Tender-Hearted Me

It's true!  I am tender-hearted.  Listen to this, which appeared in this month's Harper's, in the Findings section:

"Slugs are eating baby birds, but no defense mechanism has yet been exhibited by adult birds, one of whom was observed incubating a slug that was eating the bird’s chicks."

That makes me so sad.  It was really, really hard to copy that from the magazine.  But I can't stop thinking about it.

& I cry at movies, & at television shows, & all sorts of things.  I was very moved by the movie Ulee's Gold, for example, which I saw with my friend Molly.  I wept at the very end, & she was a bit astonished; she told me, "You're like a hard candy with a soft center!"

Maybe this is all evident to you - I was told by someone who had first heard me on the radio that he pictured me as a rather frail, fey boy, since I played so much twee music.  Alas, that is not the case.  At least on the outside.  But boy am I tender-hearted!

A Week Of Halloween: Nightmares!

(Original art by Steve Ditko!)

It's finally here!  It's Halloween!  Let me share with you one more spooky Self Help Radio episode, this one from 2012 - a show about NIGHTMARES!  I've been told that listening to me on the radio would give anyone nightmares - well, now it's seasonally appropriate!

Revisit these awful dreams by clicking here for part one & here for part two.  You'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen.  I hope you know what they are.

The songs from this show are below.  & you can listen to more halloween shows, too: graveyards, haunted houses, & even zombies!  If you dare!

Happy halloween!

-----

(part one)

"Nightmare" Boris Karloff _Tales Of The Frightened, Vol. 2_
"The Nightmare" Cab Calloway _1930-1931_
"Nightmare" The Sinners _Bomp In The Night_

"Nightmare" Scottie Stuart _Monster Bop_ there i was in a strange & distant land
"Psycho Nightmare" Daniel Johnston _Fun_
"Nightmare On My Street" DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince He's The DJ, I'm The Rapper_
"Lullaby To Nightmares" They Might Be Giants _Long Tall Weekend_
"Like A Nightmare" The Andantes _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 4: 1964_

"Lord Chancellor's Nightmare Song" Todd Rundgren _Todd_
"Nightmare Mash" Billy Lee Riley _These Ghoulish Things: Horror Hits For Halloween_
"Another Velvet Nightmare" Frank Black _Honeycomb_
"Nightmare" The Rebel Set _Garage Monsters - The Best Of The GaragePunk Hideout, Vol. 9_
"Nightmares In Red" The Brain _Rubble Vol. 2_

"Happy Nightmare Baby" Opal _Happy Nightmare Baby_

(part two)

"Nightmare" Chuck Armstrong _Shackin' Up_ i woke up this morning from a deep sleep
"Lulu's Nightmare" The Jazz Butcher _Illuminate_
"Let It Be A Nightmare" The Bran Flakes _I Remember When I Break Down_
"Nightmares" Jay Reatard _Blood Visions_

"Nightmare" Moving Parts _Wrong Conclusion_
"I Got Nightmares" Q65 _Revolution_
"Nightmare" The*Rock*A*Teens _Cry_
"Nightmares" Creation _Our Music Is Red With Purple Flashes_
"Nightmare" Jack Turner _Haunted Halloween, Vol. 1_
"Nightmare" Kimberley Rew _The Bible Of Bop_

"Wet Nightmare" The Cramps _Big Beat From Badsville_
"Nightmares" Violent Femmes _3_
"Johnny Nightmare" The Secret History _The World That Never Was_
"The Nightmare Goes On" Piano Magic _Ovations_

A Week Of Halloween: Hell!

Self Help Radio's Week Of Halloween continues!  Here is a show that aired on WRFL in October 2013 with the horrifying subject of HELL!  At that time, the devil himself, Lucifer Morningstar, wrote in the blog to present the show to you, so I am glad to repeat here his message to the listener:

Hello - no pun intended! - my name is Lucifer.  You may know me as Satan, or the Prince of Darkness, or the Dandy of the Underworld - but you do know me.  I have been asked by the not-terribly-saintly Gary to introduce this radio show he's done about my "hood" - Hell.  So, here's his radio show.

Can I say how incorrectly he described where I live?  It's not a vast fiery wasteland filled with tormented souls!  It's more like a planned community, with gates, & lots of McMansions, the mortgages of which you'll never pay off.  You know what John Milton (the realtor in Pasadena) said: "It's better to rent in heaven than to own in hell!"  Pools of eternal flame are one of the perks.

Anyway, you'll be here soon enough so I won't keep you.  Just be aware you can listen to this show at the hellishly dull Self Help Radio website, or, much like you can choose to end your life to come to me much faster than dying of old age (when you'll still come to me), you can listen to the show directly by choosing either part one or part two*.  He puts a list of songs below for you to look at.  I wouldn't!  I'd put it in a room full of vipers.  But I have a sense of style that Gary lacks.

Oh yes, I'll see you in hell!

kisses, Lucifer

*Remember, you'll need a username (which is SHR) & a password (which is selfhelp)!

It was so nice of him to write that!  He's as nice as he's terrifying!

Happy Halloween!

------

(part one)

"This Is Hell" Elvis Costello _Brutal Youth_
"This Could Be Hell" Funhouse _Out Of Control 7"_
"Go To Hell" Nina Simone _Nina Simone_

"Ain't It Hell Up In Harlem" Edwin Starr _Hell Up In Harlem_
"Hell" James Brown _Hell_
"(Don't Worry) If There's A Hell Below, We're All Going To Go" Curtis Mayfield _Curtis_

"Special Dispensation - Heaven, Hell, Purgatory & Limbo" George Carlin _Class Clown_
"There's A Place In Hell For Me & My Friends" Morrissey _Kill Uncle_
"Hellbound" The Breeders _Pod_
"Highway To Hell" Ed Kuepper _The Wheelie Bin Affair_
"Aloha From Hell" The Cramps _A Date With Elvis_

(part two)

"Straight To Hell" Betse Ellis _High Moon Order_
"Everything Goes To Hell" Tom Waits _Blood Money_
"A Season In Hell" The Would-Be-Goods _Brief Lives_

"Heaven & Hell" The Who _Live At The BBC_
"Private Hell" The Jam _Setting Sons_
"Solid Gold Hell" The Scientists _Absolute_
"All Hell Breaks Loose" The Misfits _Walk Among Us_

"Hell" Streetlight Manifesto _99 Songs Of Revolution Volume One_
"New Maps Of Hell" Ron House _New Wave As The Next Guy: The Moses Carry Out & Twisted Shouts Years, 1978-1981_
"Gidget Goes To Hell" Suburban Lawns _Gidget Goes To Hell_
"A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Hell (I Got Saved, Saved, Saved)" Sammy Hall _A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Hell (I Got Saved, Saved, Saved)_

"New Face In Hell" The Fall _The Complete Peel Sessions 1978-2004_
"Season In Hell" Dum Dum Girls _End Of Daze_

A Week Of Halloween: Mummies!

(

(Original image here.)

Self Help Radio's Week Of Halloween continues!  Here is a repeat of a Self Help Radio Halloween show from 2014, which was about MUMMIES!  Ooo!  Those not-quite-zombie-like undead who come from disturbed burial tombs, especially pyramids!  With lots of evil powers that only a hero like Brendan Fraser can defeat.

That's a good movie.  The first one.  I remember enjoying it very much.

You can listen to the show directly by clicking these links: part one & part two.  When it prompts you for a username, enter SHR.  When it prompts you for a password, enter selfhelp.  & you're ready to go!

There are guests on this show: a panel of experts talking about mummies & also plus my spiritual mentor the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently talking about mummies.  & lots of the songs listed below!

Happy Halloween weekend!

(part one)

"The Mummy" Bob McFadden & Dor _Songs Our Mummy Taught Us_
"The Mummy" Marshmallow Overcoat _The Very Best Of Marshmallow Overcoat_
"The Mummy's Bracelet" Lee Ross _Bomp In The Night_
"The Mummy" Uncle Vin _Boo_

"The Mummy" The Naturals _The Mummy_
"Homemade Mummy" Aesop Rock _Skelethon_
"The Mummy's Ball" The Verdicts _These Ghoulish Things: Horror Hits For Halloween_
"When I See Mommy I Feel Like A Mummy" Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band _Shiny Beast (Bat Chain Puller)_

"Me & My Mummy" Bobby 'Boris' Pickett & The Crypt Kickers _The Original Monster Mash_
"Mummy Beach" Hot Lava _Lavalogy_
"My Mummy" Mel Calvin & The Kokonuts _My Mummy_
"My Daddy Is A Mummy" Richard Thompson _RT: The Life & Music Of Richard Thompson_
"The Mummy" Benji Hughes _A Love Extreme_

"The Mummy Piece" William S. Burroughs _Best Of William S. Burroughs: From Giorno Poetry Systems_
"Sarcophagus" Telephone Company _The King's Surprise?_

(part two)

"Mummies" Toyah _The Blue Meaning_
"The Mummy" Jad & David Fair _26 Monster Songs For Children (A-Z)_
"Mummy Walk" Bo Diddley _Hey! Bo Diddley_
"The Mummy's Monkey" The Eastsiders _Halloween Oldies But Goodies Of The '50s & '60s_

"The Mummy" The Slackers _The Question_
"The Way Out Mummy" Bob Ridgely _Lost Treasures! Rarities From The Vaults Of Del-Fi_
"The Mummy" Black Time _Midnight World_
"Mummy's Curse" Luna Vegas _Second Shot_

"The Mummy" 4Corners Crew _Show Me The Lighta EP_
"Bad News" Spooklight _Spooklight_
"Mummified" Future Clouds & Radar _Peoria_

"King Tut" Steve Martin _A Wild & Crazy Guy_
"Tutankhamun" Dynasty _The Electric Asylum, Vol. 3_
"The Mummy's Revenge" Wade Denning & Frank Daniels _Monster Mash (Sounds Of Terror!)_

A Week Of Halloween: Clowns!

(Original image here.)

Welcome to Self Help Radio's Week Of Halloween!  This week was the annual Halloween show, which was about DEATH, & I thought, since there are several SHR Halloween shows still on the website, I'd share a different old show until the day of Halloween.  Today it's CLOWNS!

Last year's show was strangely prescient.  Who knew 2016 would be the year of the scary clown?  Self Help Radio did, damn it!  We warned you!

You can listen to the show in two parts: part one | part two.  It will ask you for a username & password.  The username is SHR, the password is selfhelp.

In addition to the scary clown songs, I talk to my psychologist, Dr. David Fruchter, about my fear of clowns, & I talk to my spiritual advisor, the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently, about how clowns affect your spiritual life (spoiler alert: they hurt it!).  Also I interview a former clown who is now against clowning. It's an informative scarefest & it's perfect for keeping children from coming to your house so you get all the candy.

Happy Halloween!  The songs I played are below.

(part one)

"Be A Clown" Judy Garland & Gene Kelly _De-Lovely Cole Porter_
"Bravo Pour Le Clown" Edith Piaf _The Essential Collection_
"The Clown" Roy Orbison _Orbison 1955-1965_

"No One Really Loves A Clown" Johnny Crawford _The Complete Del-Fi_
"Everybody Loves The Clown" Nirvana _All Of Us_
"Everybody's Clown" Johnny Dynamite _Southern Soul Showcase_
"Space Clown" Jobraith _Jobraith_
"Space Klown" Sissybar _Songs For Peeps_

"Killer Klowns" The Dickies _Killer Klowns From Outer Space_
"Clowny Clown Clown" Crispin Hellion Glover _The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be._
"Clown" Ric Menck _The Ballad Of Ric Menck_
"The Clown" Chuck Wilder _Eccentric Soul: The Tragar & Note Labels_

"The Clowns Are In Town" The Go-Betweens _G Stands For Go-Betweens: The Go-Betweens Anthology Volume 1_
"Clown Strike" Elvis Costello _Brutal Youth_

(part two)

"Clown Town" Steve Clayton _Clown Town_
"Jumper Clown" The Wedding Present _It's A Gas_
"Chromium Clown" Gary Wilson _Alone With Gary Wilson_

"Don't Send In The Clowns" Zorak _Space Ghost's Musical Bar-B-Que_
"Tears Of A Clown" The Beat _What Is Beat?_
"Don't Kill The Clowns" Soda Fountain Rag _Sometimes I Wonder If You Have A Heart_
"Death Of A Clown" The Kinks _Something Else By The Kinks_

"Eiderdown Clown" The Scots Of St. James _Circus Days: UK Pop-Sike Obscurities, 1966-1970_
"Pantomime Clown" Damien Youth _Strangest Hits, Vol. 1_
"Cabaret Clown" Marc Almond _Varieté_
"Clown Town" Laughing Clowns _Throne Of Blood, Reign Of Terror_

"The Clown Prince" The Triffids _The Black Swan_
"The Way Of A Clown" Teddy Randazzo _The Way Of A Clown_

Self Help Radio 161026: Halloween 2016 - Death!

(Original image here.)

Halloween came early this year to Self Help Radio!  (It could've been worse - my show could still be on Tuesdays!)  This year we explored the Great Beyond, where the Grim Reaper rules, "the undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveller returns."  We cross the river Styx, we follow the valkyries to Valhalla, we shuffle off our mortal coil & join the choir invisible.  (I know, I know, you want to scream This is an ex-parrot!  I should have played that!)

But it was all in good, scary, Halloween fun.  Wasn't it?  Did I talk to someone who studies death about what happens after death?  Did I talk to a crazy person who brings people to the edge of death so they can get a glimpse of the afterlife?  Did I talk to my own spiritual advisor about what death really means?  Did a Lexington songbird breathe life into a Jacques Brel song about death?  Yes, yes, yes, & yes.  Among many other things!

The show is available now at the Self Help Radio website crypt.  Find the secret password on the page!  Look at the songs below to see what death was like on the radio!  & have a happy Halloween!

(part one)

"The First Five Minutes After Death" Coil _Horse Rotorvator_
"Don't Fear The Reaper" The Beautiful South _Golddiggas, Headnodders, & Pholk Songs_

"Oh, Death" Ralph Stanley & The Clinch Mountain Boys _Clinch Mountain Gospel_
"Rest In Peace" Beasts Of Bourbon _Dead & Gone # 2: Totenlieder - Songs Of Death_
"Euphemisms For Death" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"The Dead Only Quickly" The Gothic Archies _Looming In The Gloom_
"After You Die" Tom Waits _Bad As Me_

"Ah Pook Is The Mayan God Of Death" William S. Burroughs _Best Of William S. Burroughs: From Giorno Poetry Systems_
"Song Of The Death Machine" Bruce Haack _The Electric Lucifer_
"Angel Of Death" Tom Greenhalgh _The Executioner's Last Songs, Vol. 3_
"When People Are Dead" The Go-Betweens _Tallulah_

"My Death" Jenny Adkins _My Death_

(part two)

"Whistle Past The Graveyard" Jeffrey Lewis & The Junkyard _Em Are I_
"Death Calls" The Lemon Drops _Second Album!_
"Death Rehearsal" Toy Love _Cuts_

"We Got To Meet Death One Day" Blind Willie McTell _Complete Recorded Works, Vol. 3 (1933-35)_
"Knockin' On Heaven's Door" Bob Dylan _Pat Garrett & Billy The Kid_
"Dying & Wendy's" Mike Birbiglia _Dog Years_
"Somebody Got Murdered" The Clash _Sandanista_
"Death Don't Have No Mercy" Young People _Young People_

"Death Opened A Boutique" Future Bible Heroes _Memories Of Love_
"Death À La Carte" Would-Be-Goods _The Camera Loves Me_
"Death Trip" Lida Husik _Fly Stereophonic_
"Death Is Hanging Over Me" Nikki Sudden & The Jacobites _Doing It For The Kids_

"What Will Death Be Like?" Momus _Monsters Of Love: Singles 1985-90_

Whither Death?

(Original image here.)

Halloween comes early for you (unless you're already dressed up, you weirdo) because this is the last Self Help Radio before the holiday, so tonight is the annual Halloween show, the theme this year of which is DEATH!

If you look at the show's previous Halloween themes, you'll see it's pretty much covered your basic Halloween topics: ghosts, witches, vampires, etc.  Because I don't like to repeat themes, I've struggled over the past few years in finding show topics that fit Halloween thematically but aren't terribly obvious.  Which is why the show recently has covered haunted houses, graveyards, nightmares, & even (kinda prophetically) clowns.  (Note: many of the previous shows can still be listened to on the website, if you're throwing a Halloween party & want people to leave early.)

Death (as a theme) came to me early this year, both as a fertile subject for radio, & also as a particularly scary Halloween motif.  People dress up as the Grim Reaper, you know.  So that's what Self Help Radio is dressing up as this year.  & besides deathly music, there'll be interviews & a wonderful Lexington artist contributed a song.  It'll probably be more fun than spooky, & isn't that how Halloween should be?

Listen, then, from 9-11pm (8-10pm Central time) on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online everywhere at Lexington Community Radio dot org.  I tried to be more treat than trick, but some listeners are pretty sensitive, so who knows?

Preface To Halloween 2016: Just One Day Without Death, Please

Too many songs about death.  Seriously I have listened to so many songs for this damn show that I have, at times, felt like I was just going to die.

There's a possibility, he says, hedging his bets, that your favorite song about death (you weirdo) will not be on the show.  Part of it is because the show is only two hours long.  Apologies in advance?

On today's dogwalk, I was complaining to my wife about broad themes.  Like, once someone requested I do an episode of Self Help Radio about cars.  Cars!  I'd be listening to songs for years!

Is that the reason why some Self Help Radio shows seem weirdly specific?  Or do they?  Look, there are only so many hours in the day, & there are lots of songs.  I have lots of songs.  I like to listen to music.

& boy I wish that I could have spent the day not listening to music about death.  I couldn't.  The show is tomorrow!  Down to the wire!  Procrastination!

One thing, though, is that I've decided next year's Halloween show will be about black cats.  I've started collecting songs.  It'll take that long to find two hours worth of good songs about that subject.

A Lifetime Of Death?

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a writer, & I wrote a story called "Death" at the ripe age of what, 20?  22?  I don't remember it exactly, but the first line went something like, I don't know a lot of people who died.  Which at the time was true.  & strangely enough, it's still somewhat true.  Since the show this week is about death, I thought I'd take an inventory of people close to me who've died.

The short story mentioned a fictionalize version of my mother's boyfriend when I was growing up, a man named Ed.  I don't think I've talked about him around here much, but he was around from the time I was in third grade until I went off to college.  He died some time in my second year of school, although at that time, my mother & he were not seeing each other.  I wasn't what you'd call close to me, but I did spend a great deal of time with him when I was a teenager.  It's a long story.

In 1991, my father died, but we weren't close.  In the previous decade, I had lost my grandparents on my mother's side (my father's mother died when he was young; his father died the year I was born), but they lived in Germany & I saw them maybe twice in my life.  In this century, my mother lost her two siblings, my uncle & aunt, & although I saw them more than my grandparents, age & language separated us.  My aunt, though, was super cool, & I think the brief time I spent with her I liked her more than my mother.

As I wrote here, the big deaths in my life have been animals.  I lost my first cat Blue Boy to feline leukemia in 1999.  I lost Buster - who was raised by Blue Boy - in 2008, & wrote about him here.  George, the world's best beagle, died in 2012, & because I continue to surround myself with animals - there are eight in all now, not counting my wife & myself - I know there's more death & heartbreak in the future.

The hardest death recently, of course, was my oldest sister, who died last year from cancer.  I wrote about that here.  Coming back to Texas was hard because she is no longer here.  I would be spending lots of time with her if she were.

& that's it.  It may be that I'm not close to many people.  It might be that I'm not sure if someone I was once close to is alive or dead at this moment.  Or it may be that I have been exceedingly fortunate that death has so far spared me most of its future misery.

Busy Buzzy Busy

Oy this weekend has been exhausting.  I have had to sneak & steal moments just to work on my damn show!

Yesterday, the lovely wife & I went to Dallas to spent way too much time & money at the 2016 Texas Veggie Fair.  Both of us are vegan, hopefully not insufferably so, & we enjoyed the food & the presentations & the booths of like-minded folks.  Seriously, we ate so much good food.  This is something that perhaps veggie-friendly carnivores & omnivores don't understand: if there's a barbecue or some other meat-based event, people who choose (for whatever reason) not to eat animal products are ultimately left out.  I was watching a presentation at yesterday's fair at which the presenter asked, "How many of you are veggie-curious?"  About a third of the attendees raised their hands.

There's a difficulty in explaining my veganism to people that's encapsulated in that anecdote: vegan events are open to everyone; meat-based events are only open to people who eat meat.

I remember an old interview from the 1950s with Carl Sandburg in which he was asked what was the word in the English language he disliked most, & he said, "Exclusive."  He repeated it, "Exclusive."  He elaborated, "Because when you say, 'exclusive,' you leave out a whole swath of humanity."

(The quotes of course are from my memory, & probably not entirely verbatim.)

The wife & I had a wonderful time.  We love to be reminded that there are like-minded folks in the world, & not all people worship at the greasy altar of McDonald's Chik Filet of Taco Bell.

Tonight we're going to see the wonderful comedian & cultural critic Hari Kondabolu.  His most recent CD Mainstream American Comic is very funny & insightful.  I thrilled to the fact that he was coming to town, so I nabbed tickets right away.

Not to belabor a point, but we hope to get vegan food in Dallas when we see him.

& oh god I hope I have time to work on my show later tonight!  After the show!  Or tomorrow!  Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god!*

*Any god will do.  Greek, Norse, Egyptian, Hindu, Maya.  Please aid me in my hour of need.  I can burn incense or something.  You like incense, yes?  Cool.  Cool.

Self Help Radio 161019: The Past

(Original image here.)

Now that this week's show has happened in the past, the fact that it is - or was - about the past makes it seem, to me, more authentic, & yet more poignant.  More nostalgic, & yet more wistful.  More appropriate, & yet more regrettable.  More timely, & yet more ill-conceived.  You get the idea.

There is something I have to tell you.  While I was live-tweeting the show, I was watching the last presidential debate.  It didn't cause any major mistakes, though I missed some zingers doing airbreaks, but please don't think I'm a bad hombre for multitasking.  At least I didn't come across as some kind of nasty woman!

Anyway, that's all in the past.  The show about the past which aired in the past happens to exist now & into the future some at the Self Help Radio website.  As was true in the past, to access the show you'll need a username & a password.  These are on the website.  They're not hard to find.  The songs I played are listed on the website & below.  The people I interviewed are not, however.  You'll have to listen to hear them.

Now, to the future!

(part one)

"Forward Into The Past" Firesign Theatre _Forward Into The Past_
"The Past" Screamin' Jay Hawkins _The Best Of Red Top Records, Vol. 2_

"I Am The Past" Eleanor Friedberger _Personal Record_
"Ivory Past" Felt _The Pictorial Jackson Review_
"Past Is Getting Near" Joe Berluck _The Erotic Voice Of Joe Berluck_
"I Don't Care About Your Past" Ella Washington _Southern Grooves_

"The Past Sure Is Tense" Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band _Ice Cream For Crow_
"My Sordid Past" Half Japanese _Greatest Hits_
"Drunk In My Past" X _More Fun In The New World_
"The Past Comes Back To Haunt Me" Calvin Johnson _What Was Me_

"A Past Gone Mad" The Fall _The Infotainment Scan_
"Leave My Past Behind" Mike Franco _Humma-Humma-Hummin' Bird_

(part two)

"Journey Thru The Past" Neil Young _Neil Young Archives, Vol. 1: 1963-1972_
"If This Were The Past" Alsace Lorraine _Through Small Windows_
"Past Lovers" Ballboy _The Sash My Father Wore & Other Stories_

"The Past" Edges Of Wisdom _On The Fringes Of Freaked Out Lunacy_
"Past, Present, & Future" The Shangri-Las _Golden Hits Of The Shangri-Las_
"Past Lives" Langhorne Slim & The Law _The Way We Move_
"Talk About The Past" The Wake _Testament: Best Of The Wake_

"The Past & The Future" The Purple Persians _The Past & The Future_
"Past Lives" Mighty Clouds _Mighty Clouds_
"Heyday Past Heyday Due" Nodzz _Innings_
"Danger In The Past" Robert Forster _Danger In The Past_

"Here Comes The Past" St. Christopher _Man, I Could Scream_
"Part Past Part Fiction" The Chills _Submarine Bells_

Whither The Past?

(Image from here.)

Self Help Radio is stuck in the past.  Think about it.  A full one hundred percent of the music played on the show was made in the past.  This is undeniable!  Perhaps at some point - in the past - live music was made during the show, in the show's present, but that never happens now.  & music from the future?  Besides it being impossible, it's not something the show has ever even tried!

& you already know this: the show is pre-recorded!  Even when it airs live in Lexington, it was made over a day before.  This is true!  As this blog post is being written, the show that will air tonight has already been recorded.  The show exists only in the past, as far as you're concerned.  There's nothing you can do right now to change it.  Me neither!

Let us then celebrate the past, where much of what we love is, & where we eventually, like everything, will end up.  The past is where most of everyone who ever was is, & while hopefully you & I will still be in the future for a very long time, we'll most likely spend most of the time we exist in time in the past, until time itself ends.

Damn, this got heavy!  Dude, it's just a radio show!  & you know what?  It's on from 9-11 pm in Lexington (that's 8-10pm Central) on 93.9 fm WLXU + everywhere at Lexington Community Radio dot org (select WLXU pleez).

& yes, it's on during the final debate.  One thing I can promise you is no one of the show will threaten to jail any presidential candidate once elected.  Guaranteed!

Preface To The Past: Me Vs. The Past

Hm, I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this here before but I have a very particular recurring dream which has to do with the past.  In this dream, I am at some point in my life - it isn't really ever the same point - it'll be the summer before my eighth grade year, or the middle of my ninth-grade year, or the first few weeks of college, or right before my college girlfriend betrayed me & broke my heart - it's never a time or place that I have deliberately chosen or was thinking about recently - but in these dreams, I'm not reliving a memory.  No, I am back there physically as well as mentally, except I remember everything that comes after, to the point of time at which I am having the dream.

Not only am I completely aware of the situation - I understand immediately what's going on - I also know that I am being given a second chance.  A do-over.  I know everything that's going to go wrong, & now, I can sidestep it.  & though the dreams don't last all that long, it's what I immediately set out to do.  I begin the process of re-organizing my life to avoid things that I know will sooner or later fuck me up, & I do so immediately.

One reason I think I do this, in the dreams, is that I am not entirely sure that my brain will retain the memories of the life that's already happen, which I am changing.  In at least two of the dreams that I can remember, I find a notebook & start writing down an outline of my life which I hope will help me retain the memories, although, you know, if I didn't remember what something like "1998 - Susan" meant, it might not help me when it's 1998 & I meet Susan & I don't recall what I did to screw everything up.

The reason I mention this is because I do dwell on the past a lot, & often wish I could have a chance to go back & make some changes to get through difficult moments I barely survived (or really, really hated living through).  But there's a reason to think a second go at things wouldn't really help, & that reason is: I continue to do stupid things even though I should "know better."  This, certainly, is the human condition.  To be entirely aware one is making the same mistake or mistakes one made earlier, & to be completely helpless to stop oneself from doing so.

You may ask, do I continue to have the dreams?  I do, & sometimes they're frightening in their attention to detail.  I'm sure I have them & often don't remember them, but when I do remember them, I am struck by the weird moments it picks for me to "re-start."  Sometimes it's pretty recent - I had a dream in the last year that began the first time I stepped into WRFL, in the summer of 2010 - & sometimes they're very far away.  When I was in first grade, one day, when it was probably ten am, & we were sent out to recess, my exhausted, unhappy brain thought it was the end of the day, & I ran all the home, surprising my mother, who was watching daytime TV & ironing clothes.  She had to walk me back to school, embarrassed for me (I was embarrassed, too).  In the dream, I was standing on the edge of the school, about to cross Saturn Road, ready to run home, when I realized where & when my consciousness had placed me.  Instead of running home, in the dream, I crept back to the playground of Caldwell Elementary & blended in.

The mind holds so many memories that it can access at the strangest times!

This, then, is my way of describing to you my adversarial relationship with the past - my past, specifically.  The thing is, it's pretty obvious which side is winning.

The Fall Vs. The Past

(The Fall circa 2005.  Picture from here.)

My favorite band in the world is the Fall.  Ask me about it sometime.  If it were up to me, I'd play them on every radio show I do.  But on Self Help Radio, they have to have a song that fits the theme, & sometimes they don't.

However, this week's show - which is about the past - finds three obvious Fall songs that I could play.  They are:


"Futures & Pasts"


"A Past Gone Mad"


"The Past # 2"

I have to play one of them.  Which one should I play, though?

Do you have a favorite?

Here's Something I Like

The web comic Jake Likes Onions.  Here's the most recent one:

Enjoy it at the comic's website & follow it on Tumblr & shit!  It's awesome.

Self Help Radio Anniversary Extra!

The elephants are waiting in a line for this.  (Image from here.)

When I was gathering music for this show, I faced a bit of a conundrum: there were lots of elephant songs that were instrumentals.  I have nothing against instrumentals, but I generally only use them on Self Help Radio to talk over during airbreaks.  Perhaps if the show were longer...  But as it is, I like the songs on the show to be about whatever the theme is.  Sometimes an instrumental feels a little like a cheat.

But seeing as it's the show's anniversary week, & seeing as I usually give out a gift for the show's anniversary, I figured I needed to do something, even if it that something were a little cheap.  This year, I give you an extra mix of songs about elephants, all of which happen to be instrumentals.  There's an hour of them, which means I could totally have filled an entire sixty more minutes with elephant songs.  Oh well.  Maybe in a different radio world...

The mix has been placed on the Self Help Radio Extra page.  I used to make extra mixes like this many moons ago, but stopped when I was doing so many fills at RFL.  Does that mean I may start doing them again?  Maybe.  But maybe not.  Don't hassle me!

Here's the tracklisting.  Hope you dig!

"Pink Elephants" Joe Venuti & Eddie Lang _Wild Cats_
"Jive Elephant" Rahsaan Roland Kirk _The Complete Mercury Recordings Of Roland Kirk_
"Elephant Trail" Les Baxter _African Jazz_
"Elephant Soul" Baja Marimba Band _For Animals Only_
"Elephant Stomp" The Dragons _Troll_
"Wild Elephants" James Clarke _Ready, Steady Boogaloo!_
"Elephant" The Philly Four _The Sound Of Philadelphia: Philadelphia Roots Vol. 2_
"Mama Elephant" E. Cap _The Sound Gallery, Vol. 2_
"Pink Elephants" Mick Harvey _Pink Elephants_
"A Great Visitation Of Elephants" The Jazz Butcher _Illuminate_
"March Of The Triumphant Elephants" Eggs _Exploder_
"Disruptive Elephant" Isan _Salle D'Isan_
"Elephant Ride" State Of Bengal _South.Asian.Summer_
"Elephant Man" Eat Static _Decadance_
"Elephant Generators" Solvent _New Ways_
"Elephant Takeover" Me & You _Floating Heavy_

Self Help Radio 101216: Elephants - The 14th Anniversary Show!

(Original image here.)

Fourteen years later, here's what Self Help Radio has come to.  A show about elephants.  Elephants!  Still trying to prove its coolness by hanging around impossibly cool people & things.  What's next?  A fifteenth anniversary show about the Fonz?  Pathetic.

Actually, no.  Self Help Radio is happy to be fourteen years old & who cares if no one likes the themes.  It likes its theme fine.  It was fun to do a show about elephants twelve years ago but if was way more fun to do one this past week.  Because even though the show is going through puberty, & its face is way too spotty, & its voice cracks in awkward moments, it is in fact older, & feels a little smarter, & hopes it can one day muster up the courage to talk to radio shows of the opposite sex.

Meanwhile, elephantophiles can enjoy the show now & whenever at the Self Help Radio website.  You know about the username & password, right?  They're on the front page.  The elephant songs I played are below.  The interviews are not, so you have to listen to know who's being interviews.

Here's to fourteen more years!

(part one)

"Oliphant The Elephant" Tiny Tim _For All My Little Friends_
"Ellie The Elegant Elephant" Dick "Two Ton" Baker _I Like Stinky Cheese_
"Elephant Talk" King Crimson _Discipline_

"The Elephant & The Ass" Morry Goodson & Sonny Vale _Songs For Political Action: Folk Music, Topical Songs & The American Left 1935-1954 - Charter Records 1946-1949_
"The Mighty Mighty Elephant" Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine _Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine_
"Elephantoplasty" Monty Python _Matching Tie & Handkerchief_
"The Elephant's Graveyard" The Boomtown Rats _Mondo Bongo_
"Elephantine" Kitchens Of Distinction _Elephantine E.P._

"Elephant Stone" The Stone Roses _The Stone Roses_
"Elephant King" Yellow Ostrich _Strange Land_
"Pink Elephants On Parade" Circus Contraption _The Half-Wit's Descent_
"Pink Elephants" Phil Harris & His Orchestra _The Uncollected Phil Harris & His Orchestra - 1933_

"The Elephant Song" Marty Feldman _The Crazy World Of Marty Feldman_
"The Elephant" The Virgin-Whore Complex _Stay Away From My Mother_

(part two)

"White Elephant" Volcano Suns _All Night Lotus Party_
"Elephant Germs" Digital Dinosaurs _Messthetics Greatest Hiss_
"Nellie The Elephant" Toy Dolls _Cheerio & Toodlepip! (The Complete Singles)_

"The Monkey & The Elephant" Bobby Bare & The Family _Singing In The Kitchen_
"When I See An Elephant Fly" Robbie Fulks _O Mickey, Where Art Thou?_
"An Elephant Never Forgets" Henry Hall & The BBC Dance Orchestra _It's Five Fifteen & Time For Henry Hall & The BBC Dance Orchestra_
"Elephant Memory" Smack Dab _Majestic Root_

"Zousan (Little Elephant)" Elizabeth Mitchell _You Are My Little Bird_
"Effervescing Elephant" Syd Barrett _Wouldn't You Miss Me: The Best Of Syd Barrett_
"Elegant Elephant" Broadcast _Mother Is The Milky Way_
"Elephant Candy" The Fun & Games _Elephant Candy_
"Elephant Game (Part I)" Renfro & Jackson _Elephant Game_

"No Elephants" Lisa Germano _No Elephants_
"Zólty Ston" Novi Singers _Bossa Nova_

Whither Elephants?

(Image from here.)

Why a radio show about elephants?  Why not a radio show about elephants?  Why has it taken me so long to do a radio show about elephants?  (Since, you know, the first time I did a radio show about elephants, it wasn't really on the radio.)

This begs the question: if Self Help Radio hasn't done a show about elephants, what animals has Self Help Radio spent time with?  Let me look: Lions & tigers.  Cats & dogs.  Spiders & snakes.  Dolphins & whales.  Rabbits, mice & rats.  Frogs, turtles, alligators & crocodiles.  Ants, bees, & worms.  & a whole menagerie of birds:  Crows, chickens, ducks, owls, & swans.  & yet, no elephants.

How could this be?  It doesn't matter; we rectify this situation today!  The Self Help Radio show about elephants airs from 9-11pm Eastern, 8-10pm Central, on 93.9 fm WLXU in the city of Lexington, & everywhere at Lexington Community Radio dot org.  So many songs about elephants plus interviews with elephant experts & the like.

Look, I know I'm not capable of making a show as majestic as these creatures, but I trust they'd forgive me, as they are not egotistical in any way.