Self Help Radio 061518: Vibrations

(You do know Suloni Robertson designed this logo, don't you?)

Oh my!  I've been vibrating all week & now I think I can vibrate through anything!  Like walls!  Or time!  Or...  What's something else I can vibrate through?  Think!  Before I stop vibrating & move on to another radio show!

One hopes this show isn't too vibratory for you.  People these days like to be a little calm.  But you know, inside this show, you'll discover how vibrations work, what they do, how they're used (for naughty & not naughty purposes), & you'll get to hear lots of songs about different kinds of "vibes," from good & positive to bad & negative.  You may even enjoy yourself!  Which I know is a tall order.

Listen to the show now at the Self Help Radio website. You can find it directly at if you're impatient.  You'll need a username & a password, that would be SHR & selfhelp.  Want to know what's on the long (120 minute!) show?  It's noted below.

[Insert weird vibration noises here.]

"Vibration" Dorothy Collins _Experiment Songs (From Ballads For The Age Of Science)_
"Vibrations" The Royal Jokers _Swing For A Crime_
"Vibrations" Lancelot Link & The Evolution Revolution _Lancelot Link & The Evolution Revolution_

Introduction, definitions, & the Science-O-Tron 7000

"Good Vibrations" Langley Schools Music Project _Innocence & Despair_
"I'm Sending Vibrations" The Webb People _The Detroit Funk Vaults_
"Sweet Vibrations" Latimore _Hit The Rhodes, Jack_
"Sad Vibrations" The Second Summers _Psychedelic Archaeology, Vol. 6_
"Positive Vibrations" The Soft Boys _Underwater Moonlight_

Interview with vibrator designer Rosco Sunday

"Vibration (featuring Jon Auer)" Drug Boyfriend & Holy Worm _Vibration_
"Negative Vibe" Barnabys _Augustus Loop_
"Yawn Vibes" The Bats _The Law Of Things_
"I Got The Vibes" Jo Armstead _Do The Crossover Baby_
"Killin' The Vibe (Feat. Panda Bear)" Ducktails _Killin' The Vibe EP_

Interview with Sri Dr David Fruchter

"Vibrations" Zap Mama _ReCreation_
"Sweet Vibe" Rasputin Stash _The Devil Made Me Do It_
"Bad Vibes & Evil Thoughts" Sonny & The Sunsets _Tomorrow Is Alright_
"Vibrating Vegetable" The Rip-Off Artist _Open Up & Say...@<%_|^[!]_
"Vibrate On" Augustus Pablo Meets The Upsetter _Lee Scratch Perry: Arkology_

Interview with Mr Vibrato

"Radiation Vibe" Hem _No Word From Tom_
"Love Vibrations" Kim Weston _Kim Kim Kim_
"Smell The Vibe" Beardyman _I Done A Album_
"Vibrate" Mr. Scruff _Trouser Jazz_
"Vibes & Stuff" A Tribe Called Quest _The Low End Theory_

Closing & goodbyes

"New Vibration" Damien Youth _The Man Who Invented God_
"Bad Vibrations" The Crimea _Tragedy Rocks_
"Bad Vibes" Brilliant Colors _Walk Into The World 7"_
"Where's The Vibe" 10 Cents _The Patio Collection, Vol. 2_

Post mortem

Whither Vibrations?

(Image from here.)

Why in the world is this week's Self Help Radio about vibrations?  Come with me on a journey of despair & inspiration!

You may recall that I also do a show on KNON in Dallas called the Tuesday Morning Blend.  You may also recall how the delightful station it's on must needs raise money on the regular because we don't got no corporate overlords.  You may not recall but you may suspect that I am terrible at raising money.  All of this is true, true, true.

One of the ways I attempted to encourage people to donate during the most recent pledge drive was to try to make themes à la Self Help Radio.  (That didn't go well.)  But one of the themes I thought might resonate in folks was playing a tribute to David Bowie.  Forgetting all about the disastrous pledge drive (which I can't), I was charmed again listening to the Langley Schools Music Project's recording of "Space Oddity."  It prompted me to revisit the entire record.

When I got through it, & was mulling it over, I thought about their version of the song "Good Vibrations" & wondered if there were a lot of good songs about vibrations.  & when I do that, it means I am thinking about a theme for a show.  & then I started actively looking for songs about vibrations.

& here we are!  Or here we'll be - the vibrations program will be available tomorrow at noon central.  Full of mostly good vibes.  I mean, it's me, there will be some bad vibes.  It's why cats love me.

Tomorrow! Noon! Self Help Radio dot net! Watch this space!

Preface To Vibrations: Never Been In An Earthquake

Yeah.  I never been in an earthquake.  No.

& never been in a hurricane neither, nor a tsunami as well.

These days there are volcanoes & there are floods, lotsa floods, never been in neither or either.

Yeah, there was that time, driving through New Mexico, a cop made us pull off the highway & park in some truckstop parking lot & wait out a dust storm.  It was pretty intense.  So.  Been in a dust storm sure.

The car didn't vibrate though.  It got dusty.

& yeah, there was a time I drove through Kansas in the summer when butterflies were everywhere & when we stopped the grill of the car was covered in butterfly carcasses.  Pretty wings flapping gruesomely in the mild breeze.  That was almost biblical in its awfulness.

Never been trapped in cold & almost froze to death.  A blizzard, that's the word I'm looking for.  Never been in a blizzard, nor an avalanche.  Wasn't ever at the foot of the mountain & an avalanche came tumbling down.  Bet that would vibrate!

What have I survived?  If you wanna call it survival.  Heavy rains.  Some hail.  Mild discomfort.

When I was a kid, I am told, I don't remember, we pulled off the side of the road when a tornado was spotted.  I don't remember seeing a tornado.  But I guess I survived.

There'll be a time when I won't survive, that's true.  But it'll probably be as unexciting as my life.

Wherewhatwherehowwhere?

Like many fanciful people, I once imagined I had talent as a writer.  Here's a fun fact: last year someone asked to read something I had written.  I sent this person a short story I wrote like twenty-five years ago & they never spoke to me again.  That's some terrible writing right there!

Boy I sure liked to pretend though.  In ninth grade I had a small group of friends - Scott, Mike, & Robert were their names - I was closest with Scott, I was friendly with Mike, & Robert did not like me & just wanted to hang with Scott - but to make them laugh I wrote a series of stories - chapters, really, in a novel I would never finish - in which we were superspies in a James Bond-like world.  The "novel" was full of inside jokes, & people we knew in school - people who probably had no idea I existed - were cast as foils or villains or such things.  I remember that Mike's older sister was some kind of sinister malefactor I called "Ms Death."

It's crazy I can recall even that - I have the pages, written in pencil so probably illegible, saved somewhere, but I have no idea what it was really about.  I do remember why I stopped writing it: Mike burst my bubble.  He told me it was terrible & it would never be published.

There was certainly a part of me that knew it would never be published, in the same way I knew the silly tapes I made with friends pretending to be doing radio shows would never actually become comic albums or whatever, but part of the thrill was the pretending.  I was trying to write this fantasy where all my friends were something else, I was writing it for them, I was hoping to charm & amuse them.  Mike didn't possess a fanciful bone, however, & when I mused about publication, he didn't mind raining on my parade.  He actually laughed out loud at my folly.

It was at that point that I just lost interest.  & it was fine that he made me realize that actually making a book was hard work, he didn't have to tell me it was terrible.

No worries!  It didn't deter me then from pursuing a writing career.  It would take me, realizing later that in fact my writing was pretty awful, to leave that path.

Still.  Wow, I didn't know until this past year that my writing was so bad it would make someone stop talking to me.  Seriously - that's some fucking terrible writing there!

Might I Recommend?

One of the nice things that happens when you do community radio is that other community radio folk listen to your shows, because, you know, you're part of a community.

As for me, I don't get to listen as often as I wish - I spend a great deal of time listening to music on my own, lots of it for the dumb show I do.  But one of the coolest things is Radio Free America, especially (of course) the KNON portion, where I can hear shows I'm either not awake for or too busy to listen to.

For example, I really like Roulette Radio.  (Here is their Facebook page.)  It's pretty great freeform radio, & they often do "sets" that will please the Self Help Radio listener.  Like, this week's show was all bands whose names were initials, stuff like that.

During these unbearably hot Texas summers, we wake early to walk the dogs, so I can't be up Sunday nights/Monday mornings midnight to four to enjoy a show like Roulette Radio.  But I can put them on during the day thanks to their Radio Free American stream.  So, hooray!

Might I recommend the show to you?

Self Help Radio 060818: Style

(Stylish old Italian dudes originally found here.)

Style! Can you learn it? Can you borrow it? Can you buy it? Can you sell it?

Style! Is it worth it? Does it hurt you? Does it change you? Can it save you?

Style! What is it all about? What does it mean? What is going on? Who the hell are you?

Yes, none of the above questions - & more! - are answered on today's Self Help Radio, a show about style.  There are guests, lots of songs, & probably twelve to fifteen percent more nonsense than usual. & you will agree, that's an almost intolerable amount of nonsense.

Listen now or when the mood strikes at the Self Help Radio website.  Use the password "SHR" & the password "selfhelp" (without the quotation marks) to download.  The show is two hours long but it will probably feel like four.  The songs played - as well as the noted guests - are listed below.

Style! Okay, I'll shut up about it now.

"Style (with Bing Crosby & Dean Martin)" Frank Sinatra _The Complete Reprise Studio Recordings_
"Style (Peter Gunn Theme)" Grandmaster Flash _Style (Peter Gunn Theme)_
"Style" Cameo _Style_

introductions & definitions

"Putting On The Style" Lonnie Donegan _More Than 'Pye In The Sky'_
"Cramping My Own Style" Jacobites _God Save Us Poor Sinners_
"I Dig His Style" Jackie Ross _Jerk & Twine: The Complete Chess Recordings_
"He's Just My Style" Lennon Sisters _Today!!_
"Love American Style" The Cowsills _The Best Of The Cowsills_

interview with designer & "Straight Eye For The Queer Guy" host David Fruchter

"What Are You Wearing" Kahimie Karie _K.K.K.K.K._
"The Wildstyle" Time Zone _Beat Freaks_
"Style It Takes" Lou Reed & John Cale _Songs For Drella_
"No Style" Vic Godard & The Subway Sect _Songs For Sale_
"I'll Change My Style" Jimmy Reed _The Vee-Jay Years (1953-1965)_

a visit from Dr. Idiom!

"Lifestyle" Elektric Music _Esperanto_
"Lifestyles Of The Rich & Famous" Momus _Don't Stop The Night_
"Lifestyles Of The Rich & Famous" Beatnik Filmstars _In Hospitalable_
"Experimental Lifestyle" Brilliantine _My Life & The Beautiful Game_
"Rock & Roll Lifestyle" Cake _Motorcade Of Generosity_

a moment of reflection about the show

"I Like Your Style Of Making Love" The Cleftones _The Best Of The Cleftones_
"I Like Your Style" Lee Shot Williams _Hot Shot_
"I Like Your Style" The Originals _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 10: 1970_
"Hey Girl (I Like Your Style)" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_
"My Own Style Of Loving" Wilson Pickett _Hey Jude_

closing remarks

"Revolt Into Style" Bill Nelson's Red Noise _Sound On Sound_
"Back In Style" Felix _You Are The One I Pick_

post mortem

Whither Style?

(Ooo, look, cancer of the mouth from cigar smoking is back in style, according to these guys!)

You may be thinking, how can someone like Gary, who basically only has a beard because he's too lazy to shave, how can he do a show about style?  That would be like the Pope doing a show about foreplay.  Or a cat doing a show about compassion.  Or a salt shaker doing a show about berbere spice.  Or a...  You get the idea.

You may be thinking that (or you may be surprised there's still something called "Self Help Radio"), but have you ever heard of research?  Just because a do a show about something doesn't mean I'm an expert in it.  Maybe I just wanted to do a show about style to immerse myself in all meanings of the world.  After all, isn't that the style of Self Help Radio?

Aha!  I gotcha there!  You were all like, "Ha ha, Gary dresses like a beat-up store mannequin after a blackout," & I was like, "Can't a poorly-dressed mannequin still be curious about the better-dressed mannequins in the store?"  & then you were all like, "Oh shit, we just p-owned or pawned or powned whatever that weird thing people say on the internet is but they never pronounce it so when we pronounce it we're at the mercy of people who think they know it's pronounced."  & then I was like, "Damn, you're as insecure as I am, maybe you didn't mean to be so dickish when you insulted my personal look & you were just lashing out in frustration & sadness."  & then you were all like, "Oh go fuck yourself you touchy-feely piece of shit, you still have no style & we're never going to speak to you again."

This is going to be a very complicated show, I can tell.  In any event, the Self Help Radio exploration of style in music & chatter is happening tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  Frankly, I don't care what you wear or how you act while you listen.

Preface To Style: The Style That Is No Style

Anyone who's ever looked at me knows that I don't really have much style.  It might be concluded that I don't care very much about how I look, but it might also be concluded that there's a part of me that wishes I could care about my look but a) that seems like a hell of a lot of work & 2) have you seen how I look?

When I was younger I took a kind of spiteful sort of pride in not giving a shit about how I dressed.  I remember saying something of the sort to my German teacher in college & he said, "What are you talking about?  You have a definite style!  Those ratty tee shirts, the same old pants?  People recognize you right away?"

It was a bit deflating.

Years later, someone at KOOP, totally unsolicited, said to me when I walked into the station, "Oh god you dress like a thirteen year old boy!"  I told her I was uncomfortable with her referring to me as "god."

There have been women in my life who liked to dress me up, but that never lasted too long - again, I never had much patience for it.  Tee shirts are comfortable, you gotta wear pants, I never liked wearing sandals or flip flops so it's basically tennis shoes, & that's pretty much it.  The faithful ensemble.

One thing that I might have discussed before is the liberation from style that leaving high school brought me.  Who knows how I was judged in high school but I remember realizing when I first lived alone that no one gave a shit about what I was wearing.  In college, people would drag their asses into class barely out of pajamas.  I remember in eighth grade these guys I was sitting next to making fun of some kid who wore the same pair of pants every day - they checked because they made chalk marks on his leg or something - & that made me make sure to change pants every day.

In college?  I pretty much owned two pairs of pants for four years.  No one gave a shit!

Or they did, I guess, but I didn't hang around those kinds of people.

In Dreams

Searching online, I couldn't find a study that tried to figure out how many people remember their dreams versus how many people don't.  My sister Karin, for example, tells me she never remembers her dreams.  My wife rarely does.  The check-out person at Sprouts told me...  Well, I didn't ask him.  He was too busy doing that thing where he pretends he really likes what I bought.  I think that's weird & very off-putting.  It doesn't reinforce my shopping behavior one bit.  Stop that!

As for me, I remember many of my dreams, & usually wake confused that I'm no longer in the dream or disappointed it's ended.  Sometimes I can even return to my dream once I've been awakened.  Here's something interesting: According to this article, "People who remember their dreams more often are more likely to wake up during the night. The processes that store memories are generally 'turned off' during sleep. Waking up after a dream would allow the brain to encode it into memory."

That's interesting to me because I am a pretty light sleeper, if I haven't overindulged in whiskey the night before.  (Though I still remember dreams when I have had a drink or two.)  (In fact, if I've only had a drink or two, enough to get a little buzzed, my dreams are more intense.)  Last night, for example, my dog Winston woke me about two hours after I fell asleep to let him out.  He does this by sitting up & whining.  He knows either me or the wife will wake up, he doesn't care who.  The way my wife sleeps, I know I would've been the one to always get up when the baby cried if we had had kids.  Anyway, maybe because of this, I remember a few of my dreams last night.  They were exciting!

There's a part of me that thinks I've dreamt like this my entire life.  I remember telling friends about a particularly vivid dream I had in twelfth grade.  It affected me then as dreams do now.  & I fucking love to dream.  I hardly ever have nightmares, unless somehow replicating similar frustrations I experience in real life is nightmarish.  But since I've never really believed in supernatural things, I don't dream in supernatural subjects, although sometimes superheroes show up.  Like they do.

Which reminds me: when I used to do acid, many moons ago (it's been two decades now), I never had those religious experiences that people claim to have, whether it's seeing their deity of choice or experiencing a oneness with the universe or really anything supernatural that the experience might confirm for you, like telepathy.  I guess I knew that there was a drug fucking with my brain & nothing I was experiencing was unnatural in any way.

But I was listening to a podcast recently (I'm tying these threads back together now) discussing Michael Pollan's new book & he points out that we remember our acid experiences far better than we do our dreams, & I wondered out loud to the podcast that maybe it's because we have those experiences while awake.  (The podcast did not give a shit about my insight.)

Ha ha, you thought I was going to talk about a particular dream, didn't you?  Nope.  It's no longer allowed on this blog.

Poem Generation

It's true, I shouldn't like this but I kind of do.  It's an online poem generator.  It's basically a Mad Libs-type set up, but I am delighted by it.

Here's the haiku it wrote for me for this week's theme of "style":

Squeamish afternoon
A stylish partner cackles
before the armchair

The only words I didn't provide the generator were "a," "before," & "the."  So basically I wrote it, bitch.

Oh, & I got it to write a sonnet, too.  Appropriate to this week's show, of course:

Ode to Style

My trendy style, you inspire me to write.
I love the way you convince & trap,
Invading my mind day & through the night,
Always dreaming about the ruthless caps.

Let me compare you to a slick buffoon?
You are more caring, fatuous, & glib.
Proud sun heats the daring peaches of June,
& summertime has the glaring ad-lib.

How do I love you? Let me count the ways.
I love your blessed coercion & sadness.
Wanting your conformity fills my days.
My love for you is the staring gladness.

Now I must away with a toothless heart,
Remember my great words whilst we're apart.

But I know I could do better.  Not right now, but I certainly could.

But check out the free verse poem!

Style

Why would you think the beauty is immanent?
The beauty is the most transient visual aspect of all.
Now temporary is just the thing,
To get me wondering if the beauty is passing.

The tone is not lovable!
The tone is exceptionally unlovable.
Never forget the spiteful & unlovable tone.

Pay attention to the elegance,
The elegance is the littlest quality of all.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the elegance,
Gently it goes - the miserly, the wee, the runty.

Flair is brainwashing.
Brainwashing is flair.
"Ahem," said the flair,
& "ahem" then "ahem" again.

Now I quite like that!  Maybe I'll share some of these on my show!

Self Help Radio 060118: Hollywood

(Original image here.)

My gosh!  It's opening night!  & aren't you dressed fancy!  Strange that one should go to such trouble for a silly radio program.  But it's a show about Hollywood!  & everyone knows Hollywood loves a party.

But isn't Hollywood in trouble now?  Sexual harassment, gender inequalities, stars & producers discovered as rapists - who wants to throw a party in that atmosphere?

Self Help Radio is here, not to party, to turn a cold, sober eye on the dream factory known as "tinsel town."  & when it says eye, it means mainly lots of music plus a couple of interviews & maybe one segment which features a Bob Seger song.  Will Hollywood recover from such scrutiny?  Will Hollywood even notice?

Of course not, & you probably won't either.  But if you'd like to descend in the Hollywood Babylon that is this week's Self Help Radio, you can listen whenever you'd like at the Self Help Radio website.  Use the username "SHR" & pass the password "selfhelp" to get the same access celebrities do.  The show's about two hours long - like the length of a movie - & you'll see some credits below.

Believe me, you got the makings of a star!

"Hooray For Hollywood" Johnnie Davis & Frances Langford _American Songbook Series: Johnny Mercer_
"Hollywood Or Bust" Dean Martin _Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis At The Movies_
"Welcome To Hollywood" Asylum Choir _Look Inside The Asylum Choir_

intro

"Green Tennis Visor" Luxuriator _Green Tennis Visor 7"_
"Big Sister In Hollywood" The Lil' Hospital _Heavy Metal_
"The Hollywood Golden Guild Awards" Superego _Superego Season 4, Episode 5_
"Hollywood Squares" Seth Bogart _Seth Bogart_
"Hollywoods Decision" Bitter Springs _Best Bakers On The Island_

interview with Hollywood agent David Fruchter

"Hollywood Swinging" Kool & The Gang _Wild & Peaceful_
"Holly Wants To Go To California" Funkadelic _Uncle Jam Wants You_
"When Hollywood Goes Black & Tan" Cleo Brown _Here Comes Cleo_
"Hollywood Tailswinging" Dr. Octagon _Moosebumps: An Exploration Into Modern Day Horripilation_
"Burn Hollywood Burn" Public Enemy _Fear Of A Black Planet_
"Grouch & Chico, Hollywood Agents" The Marx Brothers _3 Hours 59 Minutes 51 Seconds with The Marx Bros_

classic replay of Mark "High Over Hollywood™" Miller interview

"High Over Hollywood" Idha _Melody Inn_
"Hollywood" Codeine Velvet Club _Codeine Velvet Club_
"Hollywood, We Did It All Wrong" Bleached _Welcome The Worms_
"Tinsel Town Rebellion" Frank Zappa _Have I Offended Someone?_

Dramatic Readings Of Classic Rock Songs: "Hollywood Nights"

"Madame Hollywood (featuring Miss Kitten)" Felix Da Housecat _Lektroluv (Mix'd By Dr Lektroluv)_
"Hollywood" Secret Rooms _Solution Disillusion_
"Theme From Hollywood" Megapuss _Surfing_
"When I Get To Hollywood" The Monochrome Set _Spaces Everywhere_
"Hollywood Affair" The Honest Johns _Meteor 1986-1990_

closing

"Somewhere In Hollywood" 10cc _Sheet Music_

post mortem

Whither Hollywood?

(Image from Wikipedia.)

Oh crap, I was in my trailer all day - these location shoots are tough - & I didn't get to write about this week's show (which will "drop" {as the kids say} tomorrow) but it's kind of crazy because this week's show is about Hollywood!

& where am I?  I'm in Death Valley, California wrapping up four grueling weeks of shooting for the newest project, which is of course Self Help Radio: The Movie.  Except it's been going through rewrites & now may be entitled Self Help Radio: The Podcast: The Movie.  In any event, it's got everything that you love about Self Help Radio without all that Self Help Radio.

They've hired me on as a script consultant but after I did some consulting they gave me a Co-Associate-Producer title & made me sit in a trailer playing video games all day.  Did I mention the cast?  Clooney! Streep!  Hanks!  Bumstead!  Schicklgruber!  It's amazing.  Not that I've met them.  They put my trailer about two miles from the actual site, & as far as I know, it's not technically about Self Help Radio anymore.  But wow, what an experience!  I hope they can get my air conditioner working again, it gets hot in here.

Anyway, I'll be back in time tomorrow for a show about Hollywood which should be great because I am now a movie veteran.  Noon tomorrow at Self Help Radio dot Net.  I'll have stories!

Preface To Hollywood: Have I Ever Been To Hollywood?

Have I?  I've been to Los Angeles, but have I ever been to Hollywood?

Looking online, I'm pretty sure I have.  I haven't seen the Hollywood Walk Of Fame or other landmarks, but I've driven in the area.  Did I know it was Hollywood?  Nope.  Did I care?  Not really.

At some point in my youth, I thought I wanted to act.  In ninth grade, I auditioned for two of my high school plays & took a semester of "theatre arts."  I felt like if I could memorize stuff - & I could - I would be a good, if not great, actor.

Heck, I even got to go to another high school to do improv!  But I did terribly.

& then, when I got a small part in the second play, I was unable to come to rehearsals because the teacher/director couldn't keep to the schedule.  I probably wrote about this here.  In frustration, I quit the play.

In twelfth grade, my friend Terri encouraged me to audition for a production of The Crucible.  I don't know what I expected - I'm sure many of the best parts went to people who had been involved actively in the Thespian Society for their entire high school careers.  & who were, of course, much better actors than I was!  They did give me a part with a few lines, & I declined.  I was too old to relive my ninth grade experience.

But still I thought I might be good at "acting."  I daydreamed about doing it, but never really followed through - at best, when I discovered radio, I found I could sometimes over-emote or ham it up for comedic effect.  Once I even "emceed" a friend's performance art show, in which I guess I played a role.  But time went by, I never actively pursued any type of performance except on the radio - no stand-up, no improv, no plays.

In my first or second year in Lexington, one of the deejays I knew at WRFL took me aside & said, "Hey, we're making a movie, & we think you'd be great in the role of the main character's father."

Oh yeah, I thought.  I'm old enough to be playing fathers now.

The part had only a few lines, but it took a long time to shoot them.  I had to continually eat slices of tomato & it made me a little ill.  But I thought it was fun.  Until.

Though the movie was never released, the kids making it did show it, & put it online (protected) for us to see.  It was a very long movie & I confess I didn't make it all the way through it.  But I did see my part.  & man, was I bad.

Not adequate, not mediocre.  Downright bad.  & I realized then I had no chance of being a good actor.  Not now, of course, but also not then.  I didn't want it enough, I didn't try.  I let inconvenience deter me.  I thought myself better than small parts.  & I don't even know if I would've enjoyed the life.  But I didn't try.  So I would never know.

But I'm not sad about it!  I never really had much of an interest in being in Hollywood.  Everything's fine.

Should I Share?

There's a story I have to tell but I have to be careful about how I tell it because I don't want to betray confidences & I don't technically have permission to share private emails.  But I think I can be vague enough that it won't be obvious whom I am talking about.

The chance of Self Help Radio airing in Dallas pretty close to zero.  There are simply no outlets & there's not any space opening on KNON any time soon.  So someone I know suggested someplace else.

This would not be "syndication."  The station would operate much like WLXU, I would send prerecorded shows, the same thing.  Why would I do that if I left WLXU, you wonder?  Well, the WLXU decision had to do with the timing of the show in relation to my Tuesday show here in town.  I didn't feel comfortable with the idea that I, as a non-community member of a community station, could demand a different timeslot.  & I think I mentioned that it had been increasingly uncomfortable to me that I didn't live in Lexington anymore.

The station in question is internet-only & had people (a couple of whom I know) who do shows there who live in different parts of the country.  One of these people recommended me, actually.  It was a very kind thing to do.

& yep, I got the response today.  The show was rejected.  Oh I wish I could quote the entire email, it's a magnificent rejection letter, with the compliments at the beginning, & the blade coming down at the end.  The person in charge told me the reason for the rejection was (& this is the key phrase) "too consistently unthrilling [musical] choices."

Wow, I feel like someone just threw a ball at my head & made a big cartoon bump grow comedically!  But I confess I won't take this opinion too much to heart because the person also wrote, "I'm sure you are a well-loved radio person. I can HEAR that you are a well-loved radio person."

For the record, I've barely been a "well-liked" radio person in my many years stinking up the airwaves.  I can't imagine what would make someone think I was "well-loved"!  The person's judgment is therefore faulty & it makes sense that I shouldn't take this rejection too personally.

As if!  I will be unable to sleep tonight because of this!  But I'll be fine.  I hope!

Rejection just isn't any fun.

Sinking In

This is a good John Mulaney joke:

"I was a very nervous kid, I was anxious all the time when I was younger, but what's nice is that some of the things I was anxious about don't bother me at all anymore.  Like I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life behind real sticks of dynamite & giant anvils falling on you from the sky.  I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand!  I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life, I was never like 'Oh, what's it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?'

"Now that I've gotten older, not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I've never even heard about it!  No one's ever been like, 'Hey if you're coming to visit, take I-90 'cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. Looks like regular sand, but then you're gonna start to sink into it.'"

Where I found that, by the way, was not on John Mulaney's web site (you, when a comedian would normally have transcripts of his jokes, sheesh), & I didn't transcribe it from the track on YouTube.  Nope, I found it on a song lyrics site.

That's weird, isn't it?  I can understand wanting to understand the lyrics of songs.  I am listening to Before & After Science as I write this & I never know the entire lyrics of "King's Lead Hat" no matter how many thousands of times I've heard it.  & hey, lyrics sites!  If Eno has never published his lyrics, then let's agree that the line "draw bananas on the bathroom walls" is nowhere near as great as the line "draw my manners on the bathroom walls," which also makes more sense in a sense.

Anyway, I've noticed this one site, Genius dot com, not only has transcriptions of comedians' routines (like the John Mulaney bit I quoted above) but also entire books.

You wanna read one of my favorite books, Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson?  It's there.  You have to look for separate chapters, but hey!  Someone you don't know nor trust has annotated it!

Is the book already in the public domain?  & why hasn't someone awesome made it into an awesome movie yet?  Life is such a disappointment, & I'm saying that having not seen Solo yet!

Here's a last confession: I contribute to a lyrics site.  I've commented on songs & I've added lyrics, often transcribing them from the songs like I'm in tenth grade trying to desperately figure out Elvis Costello lyrics ("Is he saying Alka Seltzer the occasional?!?!?").  I've actually thought I knew all the lyrics to a song & had to give up.  I won't tell you which one though.  No one really likes my comments on the songs.  One guy even insulted me!  It's the internet!

These are the things I think about while preparing my Tuesday morning show.  I really should go back to listening to music though.

Self Help Radio 052518: Humming

(Original image here - which will also teach you how to hum!)

Here we are again.  Humming to ourselves while listening to music, while passing the time, while waiting or staring or wondering or trembling.  Humming, always humming.  Did I read somewhere that the earth hums?  I did!  For some reason I never got around to talking about it on the show.

& it's because there were so many songs about humming!  I thought I might have to play songs about hummingbirds or humbugs or humdingers but nope!  Too many damned songs about humming.

You can listen to the show now at the Self Help Radio website.  I guess this is the direct link.  Username is SHR, password is selfhelp.  It's one giant file almost two hours long, please look at the songs I played below & also the extras therein.

& I hope to one day get this damned hum out of my head.  Here's how the show goes:

"Darling, I Hum Our Song" Eddie Holland _The Complete Motown Singles Vol. 2: 1962_
"Uh-Hum-Mm" Sonny James _A Capitol Rockabilly Party, Pt. 3_
"Hum & Strum" "Doc" Cook & His 14 Doctors Of Syncopation _That's What I Call Sweet Music: American Dance Orchestras Of The 1920s_

intro & definitions

"Humming Forever" Drug Boyfriend & Holy Worm _Humming Forever_
"Wayward Hum" Vashti Bunyan _Lookaftering_
"The Humming Song" Martin Mull _I'm Everyone I've Ever Loved_
"Humming" Pete & The Pirates _Little Death_
"Hummin' To Myself" Connee Boswell _Sammy Fain Songbook_

interview with "The Hummer," David Fruchter

"Hum A Song (From Your Heart)" Lulu _From Crayons To Perfume (The Best Of Lulu)_
"Hummin" Cocoanut Groove _Madeleine Street_
"Seven Days (The Humming Song)" Hank Locklin _Please Help Me I'm Falling_
"You Got Me Hummin'" Sam & Dave _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Can You Hum A Tune" L.A. Carnival _Would Like To Pose A Question_

interview with Dr. Zap Beepsman

"Just Humming Along" Al Bowlly with Roy Fox & His Orchestra _Just A Bowl Of Cherries_
"The Humming Song" Gorky's Zygotic Mynci _Spanish Dance Troupe_
"Hum With Courage" Tenniscoats _The Theme Of Tenniscoats_
"The Humming Wires" Siouxsie & The Banshees _Downside Up_

interview with Hum For Change founder Jessica Pleader

"Hum Along & Dance" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_
"Humming Waters" Vic Damone _Strange Enchantment_
"Hummin'" Majic Ship _The Complete Authorized Recordings_
"Hum This Song" Marlena Shaw _From The Depths Of My Soul_
"Je T'Aime Hum Hum" Les Bel Canto _L'Histoire Des Groupes Des Années 60_

conclusion & goodbye

"Humming Blues" Joe Linthecome _Hokum, Blues, & Rags_
"Walkin' & Hummin'" Ferlin Husky _Chronogical Classics 1953-1954_
"Hummin' The Blues Over You" Brenda Lee _The Very Best Of Brenda Lee_
"Hummin' A Heartache" Clarence 'Frogman' Henry _The Complete Singles_
"18 Wheels A Hummin' Home Sweet Home" Red Sovine _20 All-Time Greatest Hits_

post mortem

Whither Humming?

(Image found here.)

Stop the presses if you've read this story before:

In the late 18th century, or maybe it was the early 17th century, a seventeen-year-old whose name was sadly forgotten penned a treatise, also now lost, about humming, connecting it to both the Enlightenment & also the Disillusionment.  How do we know about this treatise, if it is, as I said, lost?  Because before it was lost, it was circulated & people talked about it, duh.

People also copied bits of the treatise into their own treatises, sometimes to argue against it, sometimes to use it as support for their theories.  So we know what this forgotten seventeen-year-old thought about humming: he thought it was better than almost anything.  Not only that, he thought it had spiritual & curative properties.  He thought people should hum to stay well, he thought that you could hum sickness away from the ailing, he thought that humming kept one young.

For years, this intriguing bit of writing, known as the Hum Manifesto, has been sought after by people who seek things like that.  & earlier this month, an intact copy was found in a warehouse in San Bernardino, in a crate of spoiled fish, in the back where the crate had been misplaced.  Initially thought to be an exceptional forgery, scholars have determined it may well be the original & shipped it to the Smithsonian for further study.

But, alas, Trump was doing weird things with postal rates & the manuscript never made it to the archives.  There are rumors it ended up at a bed & breakfast in Lawrence, Kansas, where it sits under a copy of Guns & Ammo, waiting for its moment.  Some say they saw it hitching a ride to Reno on Highway 50 somewhere between Ely & Eureka.  Others claim it defected to China, where it could hum with impunity, having never learned their language.  But wherever it is, & especially where it isn't, I think it would be proud to know it inspired this week's Self Help Radio, a show about humming.

The episode will be available Friday May 25 at noon (central) on the Self Help Radio website.  You will like it, especially if you don't know the words.

Preface To Humming: Hummingbirds?

(Image from here.)

Over on this show's Facebook page, I wondered out loud whether a show about humming (which is what this week's show is about) should feature songs about hummingbirds.

The Wikipedia page about humming says, "The 'hum' that a hummingbird creates is created by resonance: in this case by the passage of air against wings in the actions of flying, especially of hovering."  So, hummingbirds do hum, but do they qualify for inclusion in a show about humming?

Or should there be an entire show about hummingbirds?

& while we're at it, why didn't awesome Australian band the Hummingbirds ever write a song about humming or hummingbirds?  Their jangle pop was amazing.

At this point I don't know if we'll add hummingbirds to the mix.  I'd love to hear an argument either way.  Okay.  Back to listening to music about humming.

Tumblr Blog I Like # 4

Again, this isn't a Tumblr blog, I don't know why I write that, but I discovered this comic on Tumblr so I assume it's somewhat connected with Tumblr.  It's called War & Peas.

I know, not very inventive.  But it's funny!  Look:

You can find it at war & peas dot com.  I like it!

Nearly A Week Off

The wife & me went to Chicago for a few days.  As is my wont, I walked around a lot & took pictures, some of which will doubtless make it to the Self Help Radio Tumblr page in the coming months, & also we ate lots of vegan food.

Chicago's vegan section is all on its north side, & because I had only been to Chicago a few times before (maybe three?) I wasn't quite prepared for two things: one, how compact it all seems, & two, how long it takes to get from one place to another even though it seems like you're just a couple of miles away.

One of my wife's colleagues, with whom we ate at the trusted Chicago Diner, told us there's a joke/saying/whatever in the city which goes like this: How long does it take to get to a place in Chicago?  Thirty-five to forty minutes.

There's a similar joke around here in the D/FW Metroplex.

Chicago doesn't have as many highways as we have, despite having impressive, densely-packed sprawl.  So I can drive (in non-rush-hour moments) forty-five miles in forty-five minutes, but that's a lot longer in Chicago & anyway, you're only going to make twenty miles (if you're lucky) in forty-five minutes.

Enough of that.  I enjoy mass transit.  I liked riding the trains.  I saved my Ventra Card like a souvenir.

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, vegan food.  We saw old Lexington friends at Arya Bhavan, a vegan Indian restaurant, which, on a Wednesday night, has no other customers but us.  In fact, they closed early & made us leave because they had to be somewhere else.  I regret not getting to go to their Saturday buffet.  Oh Em Gee.

We went to Chicago's vegan pizzeria, House Of Za, & got a Chicago-style to go while eating pull-apart garlic bread & vegan monkey bread while we waited.  I confess I was a little disappointed, maybe I don't like stuffed pizza, I liked it more the next day but that's always true.  I would want to eat more the next time.

What was really amazing was the Break Room at the Upton Naturals place where they make their products.  It was a small place but I swear I haven't had migas that good since Austin.

The weather was perfect for walking around.  I suppose we should've done more touristy stuff.  At one point we got lost in Cicero (who gets lots with GPS on your phone? people who aren't using the GPS on their phone) & I swear we found ourselves driving by a drug corner like in The Wire.  It was a ways from the main road, I guess it would have to be, I had never thought about it before.  We just smiled & drove on by.  But we could've bought drugs!

Anyway, I got the Morning Blend to do tomorrow & SHR this week.  Back into the swing of things I go.  How was your week?  Did you miss the show (don't answer that).

Most Mortem

Whew.  I am so fucking bad at this fundraising thing.  The only pledge I got today was from someone at the station.  I was supposed to raise two grand over three pledge days to justify my existence & despite six hours of begging & pleading on the radio - & trying to make something worth listening to - I barely made one-eighth of that.  If I got a call tomorrow saying, "Sorry, buddy, we can't afford to have you stinking up our airwaves any longer," I wouldn't be able to deny it.

Before this last show I looked over this brief article of tips for pledge drive.  What I try to hook people with - unsuccessfully, obviously - is the whole idea of community radio.  The idea of a real person playing music in a room, a person who chooses the music, who loves the music, who's the architect & builder of the program you're listening to.  I guess that's not enticing enough.

But could I do better next time, should I be allowed a next time?  I guess I'll have to try.

One good thing is this: defeat never encourages me.  The fact that I didn't do very well the first time was like a gut punch.  The second time was a mild headache.  This last time was simply what I expected would happen.  & I tried not to be a "crabby pledge person" whose "down energy dampens enthusiasm," since no one was listening all the way through.  But toward the end, after half a dozen attempts to get any call at all, I did more or less give up.

How bad was it?  You can listen to the show for the next thirteen days on Radio Free America.  I wish I could edit out the breaks, because I think the Bowie covers were great.  But, you know, not enough to donate to the station that was playing them.

Reminder

There will be no new Self Help Radio this week.  I mentioned it on the show last week, but you might not have heard the show last week, & so I thought I should mention it here this week.

It's funny, if I had still been doing the show on WLXU, I probably would have gotten a show done, since I turned them in on Tuesdays to air on Wednesdays.  But since I'll be out of town Wednesday through Saturday, I won't be able to get a show done.  I don't plan nearly well enough, nor do I have mobile recording equipment so I could record on the fly.

Anyway, you won't miss the show.  But I felt obligated to let you know.

What else do you wanna talk about?

Self Help Radio 051118: Natural Radio

(Self Help Radio logo by Suloni Robertson; sticker from here.)

Yes, finally!  One hundred percent natural radio!  No additives, no chemicals, no weird hormones, no strange preservatives, nothing but radio, except, of course, it's not on the radio at all, it's more pretending to be radio in a podcast-y kind of way, & that's it, isn't it?  The only way in this modern media landscape for radio to be natural is for it not to be on the radio.  & so this week's episode delivers!

Listen to it now or whenever you want at the Self Help Radio website.  It's one giant file, almost two hours long, & everything that's in the show is listed below.  Oh yeah: pay attention, you'll be asked for a username & a password.  Those are "SHR" & "selfhelp" respectively.

Hope you enjoy!  As Wilford Brimley might say, "It's the natural thing to do."

"Natural" The Pale Fountains _Pacific Street_
"Natural" Leon Gardner _Keb Darge's Legendary Deep Funk, Vol. 2_
"Natural" Arrested Development _The Best Of Arrested Development_

show introduction with the Definition-Tron 4000

"Natural Life" Cool Ghouls _Cool Ghouls_
"Natural High" Mike Wallace _Mixed Up Minds Part Five: Obscure Rock & Pop From The British Isles 1970-1974_
"Natural" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Natural's Not In It" Gang Of Four _Entertainment!_
"Natural Man" The Dirtbombs _If You Don't Already Have A Look_

interview with naturist David Fruchter

"Natural Woman" Katie Stelmanis _Join Us_
"Natural Guy" Louis Prima & Keely Smith _The Capitol Recordings_
"Act Naturally" The Beatles _Help!_
"Let It Come Naturally" Wilson Pickett _Funky Midnight Mover: The Atlantic Studio Recordings (1962-1978)_
"Alone Again (Naturally)" Squirrels _Scrapin' For Hits_

Gary (a different Gary) calls the Self Help Radio Self Help Line

"I'm A Natural Born Gamblin' Man" Merle Travis _Sixteen Tons_
"Natural Born Lover" Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings _Naturally_
"Mr. Natural" Mental As Anything _Essential As Anything_
"The Natural" Nord Express _Nord Express_
"Natural Kind Of Joy" That Petrol Emotion _Manic Pop Thrill_

Old Man Dickenbock interrupts!

"The Natural Girl For Me" The Chad Mitchell Trio _The Best Of Chad Mitchell Trio: The Mercury Years_
"It's A Natural Fact" Billy Childish & Holly Golightly _In Blood_
"Natural Resources" Utah Phillips & Ani DiFranco _The Past Didn't Go Anywhere_
"Natural History" Desperate Bicycles _Another Commercial Venture_
"Natural High" Bloodstone _Soul Hits Of The '70s: Didn't It Blow Your Mind? Vol. 11_

last airbreak with only a few tears

"Natural Natural Ditty" The Jewels _B-Bomb Baby_
"Natural Soul Brother" Danny White _New Orleans Funk (New Orleans: The Original Sound Of Funk 1960-75)_
"(What's Under) The Natural Do" John Kasandra _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1968-1971_
"So Natural" Gold-Bears _Are You Falling In Love?_
"Be Natural" Martin Creed _Love To You_

show post mortem

Whither Natural Radio?

(This image, from here, is from a "natural burial" website.  Use your imagination!)

What the hell is "natural radio"?  You might think field recordings, or perhaps a remote from a pleasing camp site during this lovely green spring.  But nope!  It's just a show where every song somehow invokes the word "natural."

By the way, it won't use the word "supernatural."  It almost did, but then I thought, oh fuck, that would be a pretty good Halloween theme.  You must know I am running out of Halloween themes.  Eventually it will just be me making "booooo" sounds with some cheap wind sound effects for two hours.  Soon.  But not so soon!

So this week, tomorrow at noon, you'll find out what natural radio is.  It's nothing special, it's the same old horse hockey I've done since this show began.  But there are some great tunes.  So I hope you'll listen!

Preface To Natural Radio: Last Minute Shopping

One thing I have always disliked is when one becomes familiar with people who work at a place that one visits regularly.  My sister Pat used to eat it up.  If I went shopping with her, if I were home from college, we'd go to her neighborhood Minyards, & she knew everyone & introduced me to them.  I hated it.  I wanted to buy shit & get out.

When "pay at the pump" was introduced, that was the coolest thing for me.  I remember stopping at a gas station that was closed late one night on my way to or from Austin & just buying gas.  That was cool.  Of course I do that a Costco now but there's a person paid to walk around & say hello to you.  I fucking hate that.  & of course there are "regulars" who talk to that person.

& yeah yeah I'd use self-checkout if I could everywhere I go.

This is a true story: when we first moved to Huntington, which is a small town, I ordered pizza twice from a place.  The second time, the person who answered the phone recognized me & recognized the same order.  I never went back there again.  (This is not entirely about my point - I became vegan in the fall so didn't order pizza anymore.)  (But my wife still brings this up.)

It's like I find it tacky when people want to be friendly like that.  It drives me nuts.

But here's the thing: I don't really like online shopping.  I don't do Amazon because it's a giant monolith that's destroying what's left of offline commerce that Wal-Mart didn't decimate.  But I guess I prefer it to being around actual people.

Having said that, at Sprouts this week, one of the regular cashiers called me "sir" & I told her she could call me Gary.  She said she didn't know, & I said yeah, people like me didn't get to walk around with nametags on.  Though I wish we could!

Well Yeah This Morning

This morning I did tolerably better on the Tuesday Morning Blend for the KNON Pledge Drive.  I actually more than doubled last week's take but, you know, it's not much when I didn't make very much last week.  These are the names of the folks who pledged: Anne, Shelby, Connie, Baron, & Chris.  There have been only five of them.  I remember them all.  Oh, wait.  My wife pledged too.  That was kind of her.  She looks at me with very sad eyes.

Next week I'll do one more, I'm going to do a show about superheroes, someone suggested it, I wrote that person's name down, I'll do a shout-out.  I have to admit I have no idea how to raise money, I'm terrible at it, I wish I were better, such is life.  At some point someone is going to realize they'd be better off putting someone else on the air at that time & I will go quietly.

If you did donate online, here, for example, I won't know about it for a while.  It goes through some Byzantine process to find its way to the final total.  Anyway.  At this point, it doesn't really matter.  I am nowhere near my goal nor will I reach it.  Such are vagaries of radio fund raising.

Wow, this is so damaging to my self-esteem!

Going Back In

Last week, you may recall, I discussed raising money for KNON on the first day of the station's Spring Pledge Drive. I was not sanguine about it, & it turned out it was quite hopeless indeed: I did not do well.

Tomorrow it happens all over again!  Since it's National Teacher Appreciation Day tomorrow (& the whole week is National Teacher Appreciation Week), I thought I'd do a show entirely about teachers & school.  Because, of course, teachers in our society have so much money & they can donate to community radio stations without it affecting their budgets at all.

Yep, I'm fucked.

Self Help Radio 050418: Buttons

(Original image from a button-making company.)

It's here!  The first Self Help Radio on a Friday since - well, since I moved back to Texas & started the show again as a podcast while hoping to find a place on the dial here in the metroplex but having zero luck when suddenly Chuck Clenney at WLXU asked me if I wanted the air the show again in Lexington & I said "Sure!" & did that for like a year & a half.  Since then,  the first one since then.

The show is now a podcast.  I suppose.  I am still treating it like a radio show.  I mean, I've been making the show for the past year & a half in my room so it doesn't feel much different.  Except now, I suppose, I can swear.  Oh no!  I have to warn you about swearing!

Anyway, the show premieres right now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Ah yes, it's a show about buttons.  Did I mention that?  Because of a dream?  I told you that, right?  I put it in one giant, almost two-hour long file.  I hope that's cool.  When you download, if you download, remember this: username SHR, password selfhelp .  It'll work for every file.

Below is what I played plus the extras, like the interviews, you will hear.  I hope you like!

"The Button Man" The Hellers _Singers, Talkers, Players, Swingers, & Doers_
"Bright Golden Buttons" The Highwaymen _Stop! Look! & Listen!_
"Tighten Up Your Tie, Button Up Your Jacket (Make It For The Door)" Aretha Franklin _Take It Like You Give It_
"One Two Button Your Shoe" Billie Holiday & Her Orchestra _1936-1939: Billie Blues_

introducing the Definition-Tron 4000!

"Button Up Your Overcoat" The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band _Cornology_
"Buttons & Bows" Dinah Shore & Her Happy Valley Boys _The Fabulous Hits Of Dinah Shore_
"Four Button Suit" Bob Riley & The Atoms _Rare Fifties Boston Rockabilly, Vol. 1_
"Six Button Benny" Doc Starkes & The Nite Riders _Apple Cider_
"Brass Buttons" Gram Parsons _Grievous Angel_

interview with Allen Shariaty

"Push A Little Button" Ninette Hartley _Push A Little Button_
"Push De Button" Earl Grant _The End_
"Press My Button, Ring My Bell" Lil Johnson _Copulatin' Blues_
"Push Button Love" The Internationals _Lost Deep Soul Treasures, Vol. 5_
"Bossanova Button" Remington Super 60 _All The Songs From Pling 2001_
"Pushing Buttons" The Mendoza Line _I Like You When You're Not Around_

interview with inventor David Fruchter

"Button Your Lip" Amos Milburn _The Complete Aladdin Recordings Of Amos Milburn_
"Button My Lip" Elvis Costello & The Imposters _The Delivery Man_
"Buttons & Zips" Elbow _A Cast Of Thousands_
"All Buttoned Up" Richard Thompson _Still_

Marge Most interviews archaeologist Benjamin Roundhole

"Bellybutton Song" Music For Aardvarks & Other Mammals _Putumayo Kids Presents Sing Along With Putumayo_
"Billy Button" Mary Ruth Moore _The Art Of Field Recording, Vol. 2: Unaccompanied Songs & Ballads_
"Pushbutton Head" Strawberry Story _Clamming For It_
"Poised Over The Pause Button" This Poison _Magazine 1986-1988_
"Cheap Buttons" Guided By Voices _August By Cake_
"Push Button Geoff" Miss Ludella Black & The Masonics _From This Witness Stand_

last airbreak

"Buttoned Down Disco" Clinton _Disco & The Halfway To Discontent_
"Button Up" The Bloods _New York Noise (Dance Music From The New York Underground 1978-1982)_
"Computer Age (Push The Button)" Newcleus _Jam On Revenge_
"Solo Buttons For Joe Meek" Matmos _The Rose Has Teeth In The Mouth Of A Beast_

post-mortem

Whither Buttons?

(Image from here.)

The first new day/new time Self Help Radio will be about buttons!  But why?  Was it simply too confining on radio to tackle such a controversial topic?  Not at all!  Here's why:

There was a dream.  I was dreaming it.  In the dream, everyone thought I was blind.  But I wasn't.  I was confused.  I was being praised for successfully negotiating rooms & finding things & even reading.  It was painfully obvious I was not blind.  Then I realized that was the point.  People thought I wasn't capable of even the most basic actions, walking across the floor, picking up something someone wanted, looking at a word on a page.  Confusion turned to resentment which turned to rage. But I found myself unable to hurt anyone in the dream, so my anger turned inward.  I was wearing a button-up shirt, & started to tear it off my body.  Like in a movie, in slow motion, buttons flew off the shirt, way more buttons than there actually were on the shirt, really, just too much fucking buttons, & I watched as they fell slowly to the ground, where they bounced once or twice, making a sad, echoey clicking noise as they did.

Everyone noticed what I had done & someone screamed to me, "Pick up those buttons!"  & then someone else said, "He can't see them!"

That may not be the best inspiration for a radio show ever, but I remember the dream, & there will be a show about buttons.  I certainly hope you can handle it.

The show will be available tomorrow, Friday, May 4th, at noon central time.  It will be on the show's website, Self Help Radio dot net.  I'll let you know when it's up.  It's going to be a lot of fun.

New Intro Time Again Again Again Again Again Again!

Every year, at the first of May, with an exception or two, I make a new intro for the show.  It felt appropriate since this week will be the first episode post-WLXU.

With the exception of 2004, there has been a new Self Help Radio intro each year.  I solidified the when around the time I started deejaying on WRFL - a new intro would happen at the beginning of the summer schedule, which happened in May.  It's May.  I would've probably made a new one if the show had stayed on the air in Kentucky.  In any case.

Here's what you'll hear if you download the show Friday:

The 2018 Self Help Radio intro!.

Here are all the other intros.  They vary in quality.  Such is life.  I can't believe I've made sixteen of these!

You can listen to the 2002 intro (my first!) here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

You can listen to the 2011 intro here.

You can listen to the 2012 intro here.

You can listen to the 2013 intro here.

You can listen to the 2014 intro here.

You can listen to the 2015 intro here.

You can listen to the 2016 intro here.

You can listen to the 2017 intro here.

I hope you like it.  If you listen to Self Help Radio, you'll be hearing it every damn week.

That Was Brutal

The wife & I headed up to KNON this morning with a bunch of songs about monkeys in the hopes of raising some money for the station on the first day of Spring Pledge Drive & despite all the monkey songs, we raised very little.

Remember what I said yesterday?  "I have made the mistake of having my self-esteem tied up with how I do with raising money."  So I've naturally felt awful today.  Because while there are certainly different methods for being successful with pledge drives - good premiums, powerful pitches, etc. - it seems the easiest way to encourage people to support what you do is to do a good show, one that people enjoy listening to.  When no one (well, three people) feels moved to help out the needy non-commercial radio station in your show's name, it's hard not to find it an indictment on your abilities as a programmer.

So yeah, I take it as solid evidence that I suck.

To make matters worse, I sat down tonight to watch The Last Jedi for the first time since seeing it in the theater, where I was very surprised that I dug it, & the blu-ray disc fucks up almost exactly at the half-hour mark.

A brutal morning, a disappointing evening.  Let's hope this doesn't feed into an extremely awful episode of Self Help Radio this week.

Raising Dough

Yikes!  Tomorrow is the first day of the Spring Pledge Drive on KNON!  & who has the third show of the Pledge Drive?  This guy!  I repeat: Yikes!

Ever since my first Pledge Drive, which was at KVRX, in which I did terribly, I have made the mistake of having my self-esteem tied up with how I do with raising money.  I've never been good at raising money, & I've never been a terribly popular disc jockey.  But what I want of course is to help the stations that kindly, foolishly let me deejay on their airwaves by making sure they can afford to continue broadcasting.  When I can't do that, it's even worse than the feeling of being disliked (or, worse, ignored).

During the first Pledge Drive this year, I decided on a simple strategy: bring a little Self Help Radio to the Tuesday Morning Blend.  So, my first Pledge Drive show was about money, & my second show was about kissing (since it was the day before Valentine's Day).  I think I did okay.

Tomorrow, I'll do a show about monkeys.  Maybe monkeys will delight listeners enough to open their wallets for KNON?  I sure hope so!

Wish me luck.  I will definitely need it.

Change Is Gonna Come

(I found this image here.)

This past week's Self Help Radio was the last one which will air in Kentucky on WLXU.  It would be fine if they kicked me off the air, but I'm leaving of my own volition for a couple of reasons.

The main one is the show I do on KNON.  I prerecord SHR for WLXU, but I do the Tuesday Morning Blend live, & it happens that Tuesdays is when I turn SHR in to the Lexington station.  So I have been putting two shows together on the same day (Monday) & there's a part of me that feels I haven't been giving them the attention each deserves.  & I love live radio, so if it's a choice between me sitting behind a board & playing music live & talking, or prerecording, I'm going to choose the live one, even if it isn't my beloved Self Help Radio.

The other thing is probably silly, but I listen to WLXU a good amount & it's a very community-focused station, the way radio ought to be.  But I haven't lived in Lexington for almost two years.  I have felt a little like an impostor for a while.

& KNON is about to have its Spring Pledge Drive, & I want to make sure I'm totally present to help raise moolah for that fine station.

What's going to happen to Self Help Radio?  Well, I can't just let it go, it's my deformed child, so I'll return to the podcast format, releasing a new episode every Friday at noon.  I've changed the dates on the web site to reflect that.  If you're one of the few people who actually listen, who knows?  I might try different stuff in a more-freeing podcast format.  But probably not.  I'm so set in my ways!

Listen: I have to thank so many people with regards to WLXU.  Kakie Urch asked me to help with training in the early days & I was glad to, & Hap Houlihan let me do stuff once the place was up & running, including producing the show Cradle To Grave there for a few months.  Extra special happy thanks to Chuck Clenney, who asked me to do the show on WLXU when I had left Kentucky, & to Mary Clark, who had to load my dumb show on the automation every week.  Finally, though I never met him face-to-face, much thanks to new GM Mark Royce who fortunately for me never said, "Why is this foreigner doing a show on this Kentucky station?"  Great people all, & the station is as good as it is because it's had such amazing people behind the scenes & in front of the mics.

Anyway.  Maybe you'll listen to me on Tuesdays & download the show on Fridays?  Maybe?  I hope so.  No pressure.  The pressure's all on me.

Self Help Radio 042518: Indiepop A To Z # 56

(Almost all the images found on Discogs.)

From the Melons to the Milltown brothers, from the UK to the US, up to Germany, down to Spain, over to Japan & up through Mexico, here are thirty-two tracks that I think fit the definition of indiepop, or were influential to indiepop, or had something about them that linked them to that genre. This is the fourth episode in the letter M & I suspect there'll be a lot more.  But you don't have to worry about my OCD alphabetizing again for another four months or so.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio home page, it's two hours long & split into two parts, what's in each part is below.  I hope you find some delightful stuff here - I think it's all great!

(part one)

"Eskimo" The Melons _Black & Blue_
"Sister I'm A Poet" Colin Meloy _Colin Meloy Sings Morrissey_
"32 Sweet Teeth" The Meltations _32 Sweet Teeth_

"The Ali Baba Song" Melvyn & The Smartys _Woosh! Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_
"Chinese Whispers" Melys _Chinese Whispers_
"You Supply The Roses" Memphis _You Supply The Roses_
"The Phone Call" Memphis _A Good Day Sailing_
"Boating" The Men Of Westennese _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 5_

"Pop Goes The World" Men Without Hats _Greatest Hats_
"I Wonder What Went Wrong" Meow Meow! _I Wonder What Went Wrong_
"So Ist Das Leben" The Merricks _Mit Sonnenschirmen Fingen Wir Den Blütenzauber 12"_
"When You're Young & In Love" Stephin Merritt _Obscurities_
"Vilma (Ábreme La Puerta)" Meteosat _Vilma (Ábreme La Puerta)_

"Sun" Metro _Modapop: Fantasías Veraniegas - Colección Elefant (2003-2004)_
"Spend My Whole Life Loving You" Metro Trinity _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 1_

(part two)

"Easy To Say" Metronome _This Is Stereophonic Sunshine_
"One Day Older Than Today" Mexican Kids At Home _Recycled Songs For A Happy Environment_
"Wonderful Lie" Mexico 70 _Wonderful Lie_

"Cada Dia Es Domingo (Everyday Is Like Sunday)" Mexrrissey _No Manchester_
"Chapel Gravel" Miabeane & The Asthmatic Scene _Birdsongs, Beesongs: Eardrums Spring Compilation 2009_
"When It All Comes Down" Miaow _When It All Comes Down_
"Dolly" Microdisney _Scared To Get Happy (A Story Of Indie-Pop 1980-1989)_
"Why Didn't My Parents Buy Me A Casino" Micromars _Metro_

"My Biggest Thrill" The Mighty Lemon Drops _Happy Head_
"Built Like A Car" Mighty Mighty _A Band From Birmingham_
"Dying To Hear From You" Miles Dethmuffen _Miles Dethmuffen EP_
"Morrissey, Jeff Mangum, Stephin Merritt, John Darnielle" Mikrofisch _Masters Of The Universe_
"Just A Girl" Milk _Blackbean & Placenta Sampler No. 3 1999-2000_

"The Emperor Of Oranges" Milky _Travels With A Donkey_
"Burgeois Blues 99" Milky Wimpshake _Lovers Not Fighters_
"Rain Come Down" Million Sellers _Shreds, Vol. 3_
"Roses" Milltown Brothers _Coming From The Mill 1989_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 56?

(I found this image over there.)

Many years ago, on my deathbed, I took my as-yet-unborn children by the hand & I said to them, "Your father did many, many foolish things in his day, my loving sprogs.  Initially I thought women would be impressed by my doggedness when later I realized it was stalking.  There were people in the service industry who should never had had to deal with me at all.  No one - I repeat no one - needn't suffer to hear me sing.  & of course I never should have had that last cookie.  But my one regret," I told them, hoping they could hear me over the sound of their little hearts breaking, "is that I never finished the indiepop a to z series on the radio.  Could you do that for me, my descendants, my heirs, my quite probably illegitimate offspring?"

They looked kindly into my fading eyes & checked their phones.  But one of them - the youngest, or maybe the oldest, or possibly one of those in-between, smiled & said, "Of course, father.  But what is radio?"

That dismal future happened too long ago, but it's never too late for me to prevent it happening again.  So please listen to another installment of the indiepop a to z series on tonight's Self Help Radio which is on WLXU, 93.9 fm in Lexington & online as well from 9-11pm eastern.  Your past self will thank you, or curse you.  It's not anything I can predict.

Bob Dorough

The great Bob Dorough died today (you can read his New York Times obituary here) & I was lucky I was on the radio this morning so I could play one of his songs.  & not just any song: I played Three Is A Magic Number, the first song he wrote for what would become Schoolhouse Rock.

It's hard to overstate the effect that those songs & cartoons had on me as a child.  I was an avid watcher of Saturday Morning television, & I would put my mother's cassette tape recorder up to the little black & white television we had to record the songs (videotaping would have seemed like crazy science fiction to me) to listen to over & over.  In first grade (or maybe second), I mentioned to my teacher that I recorded them, & she asked me to bring them up to play to the class; I remember being embarrassed because I would read the little credit at the end of the cartoon, whether it was "grammar rock" or "science rock" or "multiplication rock."  The class laughed when they heard my voice on the tape.

How incredibly serendipitous that a man like Bob Dorough - a true lover of music - & a clever songwriter himself - came to not only write many of the songs, but shepherded them as Music Director for the project.  He brought in old friends like Blossom Dearie to sing some of the tunes, & the styles were diverse & mesmerizing.  I can't speak to any real knowledge about psychology, but I am willing to surmise that my own often unwieldy taste in many kinds of music may have its roots in the genres & voices Dorough encouraged & brought to the project.

Life went on.  I grew up.  I didn't watch cartoons on Saturday mornings any more.  (Saturdays I slept in.)  Then one day in twelfth grade I was at my friend Joe's house & he had an actual Multiplication Rock record.  Holy shit.  (It was this one here.)  I didn't imagine such a thing existed - it would've been like discovering a record that had all my favorite television themes on it!  I borrowed it, I taped it, I tried to share my enthusiasm with my friends.  Some were not amused - later on, my friend Russell told me that he was trying to get me interested in serious music in high school & all I cared about was "children's music."

Maybe I felt a bit of vindication when, in the 1990s, they released all the Schoolhouse Rock stuff on CD, & trendy bands covered them, & even America's Sweetheart Drew Barrymore wrote a forward for the box set booklet.  But mainly I was glad to have them - I play them regularly on my show, & even played "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here" last week on Self Help Radio.

& that dear man, that soft-spoken, Southern-accented man whose nimble fingers & quick wit made those songs that I love as much as anything I love, I am going to say he's responsible for much of my love of music.  He made learning fun, he helped me learn my times tables, his voice in my head made me realize possibilities in music I simply didn't know about at the age of five, six, seven, eight.  That it's been decades & I'm still thinking about this music - still playing it on the radio! - suggests that his work - & this includes his non-Schoolhouse Rock work, which I discovered later - it suggests that what Bob Dorough made in his long life has an element of the timeless about it.

Thank you, good sir.  I think you understood how much you were appreciated, & how much what you created was loved.  It was the best thing to have grown up with your music in my life's soundtrack.

Placeholder

Hold this.
Where?
In place.
What place?
Any place.
Any place?
Any place.  But here.
Then where?
When where?
Maybe now where?
Maybe nowhere.
So where?
So we're safe.
& sound?
& sound is all we'll hear.
Here?
Anywhere.
Where is anywhere?
It has to be somewhere.
Where some are?
Some but not all.
Hardy any?
Softly most.
Mostly?
It's the least you can do.
Can I?
If you must.
Must I?
If you may.
May I?
If you can.
& if I can't?
Then give it back to me.

Often Forgotten

This is a thing I do: I go the usual way to get from place to place & then, if I have a little time, I turn, right or left, & go in that direction for a little while.  I often take pictures when I do that.  I often have enough sense of direction to not get completely turned around, but will often rely on the GPS to get me back home.  But this metroplex I live in is defined by sprawl & there's so much space, & so many people in that space.

Maybe my favorite thing to see & take pictures of is an abandoned building, whether a home or business, waiting for time or gentrification to destroy or reinhabit it.  This part of the world values new over old - it's crazy how many lovely old homes there are that exist, build just in the 1950s or 60s, but people still buy hastily-constructed McMansions - but there are still some decaying treasures out there, often flanked by fast food joints or unattractive, boxy strip malls.

There were many abandoned homes in Huntington, West Virginia, where I lived from 2009-2010, but I didn't take many pictures then.  The convenience of the digital camera had yet to find me.  If I went back, I would take tons.  I don't think I'll ever go back, though.

When I am out & about, I drive slowly, I make sure I'm on a four-lane road so angry drivers can zoom in frustration past my little Prius.  If I want to take a picture, I'll need to slow down or even stop.  Today I went around the block a couple of times to get a picture.  Back when I started taking pictures, in Lexington, friends warned me that I might get beaten up by people suspicious of me, but I try not to be so obvious.  Last year, in Oakland, a homeless man yelled at me & started to chase me because I guess I took a picture of his tent, but that's as close to danger as I've ever been in.

Anyway, I drove a little around Grand Prairie today, which no longer has a prairie in its city limits.  I took a few pictures.  I went from one highway to another, & was a little disappointed when it seemed I was heading home.

If you'd like to see some of the pictures I take that I like, I put them on the show's Tumblr blog.  Yes, they would be more appropriate on Instagram, but I don't think there was an Instagram when I started that blog.  It's nothing special, just like me, but it's something I enjoy.

One thing, though: I wish it were easier to get lost in this world.