Preface To The Days Of The Week: Other Media

Oh sure this week's show (which will be a day late, sorry) will feature songs in which every day of the week is mentioned, but what if Self Help Radio were a multimedia experience?  What if, for example, we had a Kid's Korner, where I read nursery rhymes, like this famous one:

Solomon Grundy

Born on a Monday

Christened on Tuesday

Married on Wednesday

Took ill on Thursday

Grew worse on Friday

Died on Saturday

Buried on Sunday

That was the end

Of Solomon Grundy

That's be cheery, right?  Kids love death.

Or what if there were a Self Help Radio Literary Salon?  I might share some James motherfucking Joyce:

"Sunday was dedicated to the mystery of the Holy Trinity, Monday to the Holy Ghost, Tuesday to the Guardian Angels, Wednesday to saint Joseph, Thursday to the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Altar, Friday to the Suffering Jesus, Saturday to the Blessed Virgin Mary

Every morning he hallowed himself anew in the presence of some holy image or mystery. "

That's from Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man.

But what about television or movies?  Okay, I didn't really look into movies, but I did remember just today that SCTV had its own soap opera, called "The Days Of The Week," which aired during their entire run in small installments but here some crazy obsessive pop culture hero has assembled them into one, movie-length run.  It's amazing:



Alas, I just got audio.  But you will be a bit overwhelmed how many songs there are that mention every day of the week.  Seriously, I could do a much longer than normal show.

But I won't!  I wasn't threatening you!  I won't do it!

Delay!

Welp, things this week took a turn so I won't have Friday's episode of Self Help Radio on Friday.  I'll have it Saturday at noon.  I'll announce it on the Facebook page tomorrow.  I thought I could get my shit together to get it done in time but nope!  Dag nab it!

This is why I need the weeks off to get moving done!  It might make it easier to get the show up & running in Portland, however.  We'll see.

Sorry sorry.

Last Day At KNON

David Pippin - the fellow whose show I took last year, when he left KNON for a job - that was the Wednesday Morning Blend - two weeks after I took over that show, another Blend person left, & I took her show - that was the Tuesday Morning Blend - David Pippin - who is now taking over the Tuesday Morning Blend, & a better person could not be chosen to helm that slot - what I was saying was - David Pippin came by the Blend this morning for me to pass the reins to him, & to let people know he was coming, & to say goodbye to me - & he bought me breakfast!

David asked me after the show if I were sad, & I had to say, no.  No, what I am sad about is that I never got a chance to do Self Help Radio in Dallas.  I have no idea if the show is any good - I don't get a lot of feedback, to be honest - but I enjoy doing it & I love asking my friends to come on & be ridiculous.  If I could make the show mainly interviews I probably would.  But there were no real opportunities to do Self Help Radio here.  So, when a freeform radio show became available, I auditioned for & got it.

But it was never really mine.  There was a particular thing we had to do - showcase music heard elsewhere on the station - which often got in the way of me playing the things I really wanted to play.  Not that I played things I didn't like - I have never done that.  Though I was "trained" at KVRX to mix genres, etc., I have a different sense of flow these days.  I don't like to think, "Hey, have I represented this or that genre yet this hour?"

To be fair, I did occasionally try to put a themed set together now & then, & once - just once - I did a bit with Allen.  But the show didn't lend itself to the same sort of shenanigans that I get up to with Self Help Radio.  It never felt right, I never felt I had enough time - the station promotes the hell out of its benefits, which is its right, but it often took eight to ten minutes away from the show per hour - & I never felt like it was something the station management would look kindly upon.

Boy, I would've loved doing Self Help Radio, though.  I would've pulled out all the stops.  I could've done it on KNON, on KTCU, on KFTW, on KUZU.  But there was no space on KNON, the station managers on KTCU did not want me at the station, the format of KFTW - all local music, except for a Grateful Dead show - did not lend itself to SHR, & no one at KUZU ever wrote me back.  For a place so big, it's crazy how few opportunities there are for community radio in D/FW.

But it makes sense.  Whole communities are being torn up to make space for apartments & condos for all the people moving here.  You can drive through entire shopping centers from Arlington to Frisco in which not a single place of business is local, they're all chains, & the fm radio dial is filled with stations from which most if not all content comes from corporate offices elsewhere.  KNON was an oasis, & they actually let me volunteer.  That was amazing.

Still, I was never more than a person doing a show.  It wasn't my show.  So I am not sad.  I kinda like the idea of staying at a place for a couple or three years & relocating.  But it's expensive & exhausting & anyway - I have this feeling - based on our visits - that we're going to like this Portland place.

Another Goodbye

Tomorrow I am doing my final show on the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON.  It is a sad thing, & I am being lazy about it, basically repeating my "goodbye" show from WRFL.  Except, you know, it's not Self Help Radio.  I wish I could've done Self Help Radio on KNON, or any station in Dallas.  But I didn't get the chance.  My pledge drive shows were a piece of that - & they didn't raise any money, so maybe it's a good thing that I didn't do Self Help Radio in Dallas.

The funny thing is, I didn't really want to do the Blend, but I am glad I did it.  It reminded me of old freeform shows like I did on KVRX & the fills I took on WRFL.  I would've loved to do late-night freeform fills on KNON.  I would've totally dug driving the Dallas/Fort Worth highways without the traffic.  The traffic is the thing I will not miss.

So.  One more early Tuesday morning, a long drive at 6am with roads already choked with cars.  I see a lot of people talking on their phones in the mornings.  Who the fuck are they talking to?  Ooops, this started to descend into a bit.  Sorry.

See ya in the morning if you're listening!

Self Help Radio 032919: Stairs

(Original image here.)

Holy crap look at those stairs!  You could help fall down those stairs!  I can't stop looking at those stairs!  I am terrified & yet utterly compelled to find those stairs & walk on them until I fall or they collapse & either way I'm dead!  Because of those stairs!

By the way, don't look for "people falling down the stairs" videos on any video website.  It's not funny at all.  It's horrifying & I wish they'd show the person getting carried away by the paramedics & then the doctors telling him/her that they'll never walk again.  Because I understand that it's amusing when people tumble & stuff but falling down the stairs is a whole other degree of awful.

Oh yeah, I did a radio show!  About stairs!  No one fell.  As far as I know.  I can't get the images of poor souls plummeting down stairs out of my head now.  Ack!  I wish I'd never done a stupid show about stairs & thought it might be funny to watch people fall down stairs!

Okay, okay, radio show.  Yes.  Yes.  It's at the Self Help Radio website.  Username SHR, password selfhelp.  Almost two hours long, what's on the show is below.

Jesus, be careful on stairs!

Self Help Radio Stairs Show

"Precarious Stair" Crystal Stilts _In Love With Oblivion_
"Staircase Of Diamonds" King Tuff _Black Moon Spell_
"The Gentleman On The Stairs" Dagmar Krause _Commuters_

introduction & definitions

"Stairway To The Stars" Ella Fitzgerald _Something To Live For_
"I'll Build A Stairway To Paradise" Sarah Vaughan _Sarah Vaughan Sings George Gershwin, Vol. 1_
"Creepin' Up The Backstairs" The Fratellis _Costello Music_
"Backstairs" New Pornographers _Brill Bruisers_
"Walk The Back Stairs Quiet" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_

the world's most notable stairs an interruption by Ned Dry

"The Staircase (Mystery)" Siouxsie & The Banshees _The Scream_
"Staircase At The University" Morrissey _World Peace Is None Of Your Business_
"Dachshunds With Erections Can't Climb Stairs" Les Barker _Up The Creek Without A Poodle_
"The Room At The Top Of The Stairs" Television Personalities _Privilege_
"The Girl Became The Stairs" The Heart Throbs _Jubilee Twist_

the world's most notable stairs a phone call from kids in Baltimore

"Spiral Stairs" Elf Power _In A Cave_
"Climb My Stairs" The Cat's Miaow _A Kiss & A Cuddle_
"Falling Down The Stairs" Even As We Speak _Feral Pop Frenzy_
"Fell Down The Stairs" Tilly & The Wall _Wild Like Children_
"Naked Girl Falling Down The Stairs" The Cramps _Flamejob_

a discussion about the song "Stairway To Heaven" by Neil Sedaka Led Zeppelin

"Stairway To Heaven" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Ruin Jonny's Bar Mitzvah_
"Stairway To Heaven" Rolf Harris _The Best Of Rolf Harris_
"Freeway To Stairbird" Reverend Billy C. Wirtz _Pianist Envy_
"Gilligan's Island (Stairway)" Little Roger & The Goosebumps _Gilligan's Island (Stairway)_
"Stairway To Heaven" Neil Sedaka _The Definite Collection_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Halfway Down the Stairs" Robin The Frog _The Muppet Show Album_
"Halfway Down The Stairs" Lawson & Four More _Thank You Friends: The Ardent Records Story_
"Halfway Up The Stairs" Rodriguez _Coming From Reality_
"At The Top Of The Stairs" Thundertree _Thundertree_
"At The Top Of The Ivory Stairs" The Pharmacy _Stoned & Alone_

Whither Stairs?

(Image from here.)

Hmm, stairs.  I guess I've been around stairs since the very beginning.  I didn't live in a house with more than one floor (therefore a set of stairs) until high school - which was also the time I first attended a school with many sets of stairs - but I did live in apartments with two floors (& stairs) from middle school on, & many apartment complexes I lived in had stairs to get to the apartments on the second floor.

My iPhone has an app that counts my steps, & whenever I look at it, it's strange when it notes that I've gone up a flight of stairs.  How did it know?  I bet I make funny noises when I go up stairs.  Like dreams dying.

In the last year I lived in Austin, I was a "secret smoker."  I had "quit smoking" in 2005 or 2006, but had found myself smoking a cigarette or two a day sometime in late 2008.  I used to keep a pack in my bag & I'd take a break once or twice a day, take some reading material, pull one cigarette out, & walk to a place called the UTC on campus, or the Undergraduate Teaching Center.  I'd go to the top floor - I'd take the stairs - it was maybe the fourth floor - where no one ever was - & I'd have my illicit cigarette & read at the top of the stairs there.  I tried to do it between classes, but there didn't seem to be many classes that high up in the building.  It was always so quiet.

Afterwards, I'd go to the restroom & wash my face & chew gum.  I was a "secret smoker"!  I don't smoke any more.  But I miss climbing those stairs to get a few minutes to read & relax.  That's my happiest memory of stairs.

Maybe there'll be happy memories of stairs after you listen to this week's show tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio's website.  Anyway, it can't be worse than falling down the stairs.  Can it?

Preface To Stairs: Didn't You Already Do A Show About Stairs?

Hypothetical listener: Say, I pay pretty close attention to your show because I am a hypothetical listener so anything's possible & I feel like you've done a show about stairs before.

Unhypothetical me: I can't believe anyone listens to the show!

Hypothetical listener: Yeah, yeah, but haven't you done a show about stairs before?

Unhypothetical me: Oh sorry, my eyes kind of filled with stars with the idea of someone actually listening to Self Help Radio.

Hypothetical listener: Right.

Unhypothetical me: It's just Charlie Brown winning a baseball game or something.

Hypothetical listener: I can just go check the list of your shows on the website if you're busy being weird.

Unhypothetical me: No, no, no.  I'll answer the question!

Hypothetical listener: Thanks.

Unhypothetical me: The answer is, no, I've never done a show about stairs before.

Hypothetical listener: But...

Unhypothetical me: But because you're a dutiful listener, you may recall that on April 11, 2009 - nearly ten years ago! - I did a show with the theme "upstairs downstairs".

Hypothetical listener: Oh yes, I remember!

Unhypothetical me: That was about places where stairs lead.  Not stairs themselves.

Hypothetical listener: Got it.

Unhypothetical me: I mean, the word "stairs" in the name, but I was meaning mainly like floors.

Hypothetical listener: Sure, I understand.

Unhypothetical me: I suppose some folks might have thought I was referring to the British drama from the 1970s but I wasn't.

Hypothetical listener: Great.

Unhypothetical me: I mean, I've never even seen it, except the end credits when it was on PBS right before Monty Python in my youth.

Hypothetical listener: Swell.  Oh gosh would you look at the time.

Unhypothetical me: Hmm?  What?  Oh, sorry.  I didn't mean to bore you.

Hypothetical listener: Now you know why I'm hypothetical!

Unhypothetical me: (very sad now) Yeah.

"Halfway Down"

Listening to songs today for this week's show, I found the Muppet Show song based on A.A. Milne's poem "Halfway Down."  You can read about it here, & I posted a crappy video of the song sung by Kermit's nephew on the Self Help Radio Facebook page but I was curious about the poem it was based on, which I found here.  But I repeat the sweet poem below.  & maybe I'll play the song on my show!

Halfway Down
by A. A. Milne

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn't any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up
And it isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery,
It isn't in town.
& all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn't really
Anywhere!
It's somewhere else
Instead!

Tumblr Blog I Like # 6

This one, called Deep Dark Fears.

For example:

You can submit your fears to be illustrated.  I'd do that, only I'm a little afraid of doing it.  Wait.

Self Help Radio 032219: Thumbs

(Original image here.)

Ah, thumbs!  Where would our hands be without you?  & yet, I don't think anyone's ever devoted a radio show to you!  What a sadness!  Well!  That ends today!  For on this day, Self Help Radio spends its time celebrating all manner of thumbs: green thumbs, golden thumbs, sore thumbs, sucked & unsucked thumbs!  In this space there is no judgment of thumbs; let them go up or down without jeers or cheers!  If one wishes to twiddle their thumbs or even sit on their thumbs & rotate, this is the time & place to do it.  Four cheers for thumbs!  Not as forceful as the pointer, nor as cute as the pinky, not your first choice for rings & totally incorrect for offensive gestures, it's the friendly thumb that gets you rides from strangers!  Thank you, thumb.  Have a ridiculous radio show for all your troubles!

The show is of course at Self Help Radio dot net, where it belongs.  As a rule of thumb, you will need a username (SHR) & a password.  All the contents of the show are listed below.

Happy day of thumbs!  Being "all thumbs" today is not pejorative!

Self Help Radio Thumbs Show

"Thumb" The Creatures _Wild Things_
"Thumb" The Chesterfields _Kettle_
"Thumb" Dinosaur Jr. _Green Mind_

introduction & interruption

"You've Got Me Under Your Thumb" Fats Waller & His Rhythm _One Never Knows, Do One: The Best Of Fats Waller_
"Under Your Thumb" Godley & Creme _The Very Best Of 10cc_
"Under My Thumb" Hounds _Puttin' On The Dog_
"Under The Thumb" The Len Price 3 _Pictures_
"Under Your Thumb" The Vaccines _What Did You Expect From The Vaccines_

interview with biologist Dr. Madeleine Unicorn

"Thumbs Down" The Chiffons _Sweet Talkin' Girls: The Best Of The Chiffons_
"Thumbsucker" Shel Silverstein _Freakin' At The Freakers Ball_
"Twiddle Your Thumbs Mum" Shrubbies _Memphis In Texas_
"Dancing On God's Thumb" Robyn Hitchcock _Black Snake Diamond Röle_
"The Man With The Golden Thumb" Jerry Reed _The Man With The Golden Thumb_

interview with filmmaker Paul Ees Douman (part one)

"Hitchin' A Ride" Vanity Faire _Super Hits Of The '70s: Have A Nice Day, Vol. 2_
"Thumbin' A Ride" The Coasters _There's A Riot Going On_
"Thumb Thumb" Frankie Lymon _The Complete Recordings_
"Thumbin' Johnny Brown" Burl Ives _It's Just My Funny Way Of Laughin'_
"Ridin' Thumb" King Curtis _Funk Drops: Breaks, Nuggets, & Rarities_

interview with filmmaker Paul Ees Douman (part two)

"Tom Thumb's Tune" Patience & Prudence _The Best Of Patience & Prudence_
"Tom Thumb's Drum" The Pasadena Roof Orchestra _Breakaway_
"The Story Of Tom Thumb" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues" Nina Simone _The Very Best Of Nina Simone_
"Thumbelina" Jimmy Boyd _I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Neville Thumbcatch" The Attack _Magic In The Air_
"Thumbtack" Bob Mould _Bob Mould_
"Thumbtacks + Glue" Woodpigeon _Thumbtacks + Glue_
"Thumbtack" The Rad Trads _On Tap_
"Thumb A Ride" Melbourne Cans _Moonlight Malaise_

Whither Thumbs?

(Here's a bunch of thumbs from this place.)

Thumbs are fascinating.  Too big to stick in the ear, but perfect for the mouth.  Wait, am I writing weirdo erotica all of a sudden?  That's no good.  It won't surprise you that there are people with thumb fetishes but I don't think I will talk about this on the show.  But if you want to be more educated than anyone without the fetish needs, you can visit the Thumb Sucking Adults web site.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, I think thumbs are cool.  I have been toying with the idea of a show about fingers for some time, but thought I'd narrow it down to the handiest of fingers which is of course the middle finger.  But there aren't many songs about flipping people off but plenty of songs about thumbs.

It's happening tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  Two thumbs down?  Really?  Already?

Tough crowd.

Best Coercive Spam Ever!

Oh wow I just got the best threatening spam ever!  It came from someone calling themselves this:

"Janiece August"

(It's nice to know that the CIA has offices in Gabon.)

It's entitled:

Central Intelligence Agency - Case #14857293

Here's a big jpg of the message, but I'll print it out below:

Here's what it says:

"Case #14857293
Distribution and storage of pornographic electronic materials involving underage children.

My name is Janiece August and I am a technical collection officer working for Central Intelligence Agency.
 
It has come to my attention that your personal details including your email address (gary@selfhelpradio.net) are listed in case #14857293.
 
The following details are listed in the document's attachment:
 
Your personal details,
Home address,
Work address,
List of relatives and their contact information.

Case #14857293 is part of a large international operation set to arrest more than 2000 individuals suspected of paedophilia in 27 countries.
 
The data which could be used to acquire your personal information:
 
Your ISP web browsing history,
DNS queries history and connection logs,
Deep web .onion browsing and/or connection sharing,
Online chat-room logs,
Social media activity log.
 
The first arrests are scheduled for April 8, 2019.
 
Why am I contacting you ?
 
I read the documentation and I know you are a wealthy person who may be concerned about reputation.
 
I am one of several people who have access to those documents and I have enough security clearance to amend and remove your details from this case. Here is my proposition.
 
Transfer exactly $10,000 USD (ten thousand dollars - about 2.5 BTC) through Bitcoin network to this special bitcoin address:
 
39bwp3VtpMNLPQHwk89FgkNbWo7eEGnR7b
 
You can transfer funds with online bitcoin exchanges such as Coinbase, Bitstamp or Coinmama. The deadline is March 27, 2019 (I need few days to access and edit the files).
 
Upon confirming your transfer I will take care of all the files linked to you and you can rest assured no one will bother you.
 
Please do not contact me. I will contact you and confirm only when I see the valid transfer.
 
Regards,
Janiece August
 
Technical Collection Officer
Directorate of Science and Technology
Central Intelligence Agency"

When I read the email to my wife, she laughed out loud at the line, "I read the documentation and I know you are a wealthy person who may be concerned about reputation."

They should've listened to Self Help Radio, & they'd have known at the very least that I am not at all concerned about reputation!

It's so beautiful.  The only thing that would make this better is if it were a song.

This Is A True Story With A Silly Punchline

Shared on Facebook today:

I went to an Indian store a few weeks back meaning to buy some yellow lentils & instead bought chana dal (which is chickpeas) & finally decided to make them last week & the recipe I found was super spicy & delicious but the thing is, the entire time I'm making them I'm singing a song to the tune of that Iggy Pop ditty:
"I could escape this feeling with my chana dal
Wake up in the morning where's my little chana dal"

My wife talks a lot more about divorce these days it seems.

The Future Of Self Help Radio

(Original picture here.)

Ooo, that's a dramatic title, isn't it?  The future of Self Help Radio!  How can a show that barely exists in the present have any kind of future?

This is really more about my future anyway.  If you listened to last week's show, this isn't a surprise to you, but you probably didn't so I thought I'd mention it on the blog.  Here's the news:

My lovely wife got a job at Oregon Health & Science University in Portland & we're moving there in May.  This is a big change, & it'll be intense - we'll be taking six animals & all our stuff two thousand miles away from here.  But it impacts this radio show I do in a couple of obvious ways.

One, I'm not going to be able to do the show for about a month, since, you know, moving & putting stuff in boxes, etc.  So the last Self Help Radio for a while will be April 12.  I don't know when I'll be able to start it up again but I'm thinking May 24th.  That's what it'll say on the web page, at any rate.

A subsidiary of this is, of course, I won't be doing the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON anymore.  That would be one hell of a commute.  I believe my last show will be April 2.

The second thing is, maybe Self Help Radio will find a home in the airwaves of Portland?  I am excited about this.  The show was not welcomed on the few spots it could have aired in D/FW, but I am hopeful there'll be opportunities for it in Stumptown.

That's the future!  So far away & so soon!

Self Help Radio 031519: It Depends

(Original image here.)

You know, I forgot the most famous "depends"-related poem in the English language.  Well, I forgot it while I was doing the show, but I remember it now:

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens

When we read that poem in my eleventh grade English class, half of my peers reacted with confusion & disgust.  How is that a poem?  One guy even counted - that's like sixteen words!  He would later be traumatized by haiku.

Now that that's out of the way, & despite the shit we're hearing from New Zealand, here's this week's show, about depending & dependence & stuff like that.  I had hoped to cover more about independence but time ran out.  It's ridiculous how little time two hours is!

The show is now at Self Help Radio dot net.  You'll need a password (selfhelp) & username (SHR) but those are pretty self-evident.  I just told them to you!  The songs I played & the stuff happening on the show are listed below.

Will you dig it?  It depends!

Self Help Radio It Depends Show

"You Can Depend On Me" Louis Armstrong & His Orchestra _1931-1932_
"I'm Depending On You" Otis Redding _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Dependence" P1/E _Second Offender (1980-1981)_

introduction & definition

"It All Depends On You" Frank Sinatra _The Columbia Years (1943-1952)_
"Depending On You" King Arthur Epps _Soul On Fire (The Detroit Soul Story 1957-1977)_
"Oh Baby, You Can Depend On Me" Luther Ingram _I've Been Here All The Time_
"Chemical Dependency" Bodhitrees _Katie_
"Dependence Leads Your Fortune" Roxy Epoxy & The Rebound _Bandaids On Bullet Holes_

Ned Dry interrupts to talk about his dependents

"Life Depends On Love" Bert Jansch _Nicola_
"My Dreams Depend On You" New Colony Six _Colonization_
"A Love You Can Depend On" Brenda & The Tabulations _A Van McCoy Songbook_
"Depend On Yourself" Joe & Eddie _Walkin' Down The Line_
"Depend On Yourself" B.T. Express _Give Up The Funk: The BT Express Anthology (1974-1982)_

interview with Depends sponsor/advertiser Berry Addington

"(You Can) Depend On Me" The Miracles _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 1: 1959-1961_
"Don't Depend On Me" The Fantastic Johnny C _The Phil-La Of Soul Singles Collection 1967-1973_
"I Was Depending On You To Be My Jesus" 1000 Violins _Like One Thousand Violins_
"I Don't Depend On You" The Human League A.K.A. The Men _Travelogue_
"Can't Depend" Sebadoh _Defend Yourself_

Marge Most reports

"Why Did I Always Depend On You?" Billie Holiday _Lady Day: The Complete Billie Holiday On Columbia (1933-1944)_
"Depend On Me" Joann Garrett _Just A Taste_
"A Girl You Can Depend On" Palace Guard _I'm Losing Tonight! Vol. 7: 30 Moody, Garage-Folkpunk Gems From The Midsixties_
"No One To Depend On" Coke Escovedo _Coke_
"Everything Depends On You" Dub Dickerson _Boppin' In The Dark_

announcement, conclusion, & goodbye

"Declaration Of Independence" Stan Freberg _The United States Of America_
"Declaration Of Independence" Count Five _Psychotic Revelation: The Ultimate Count Five_
"Declaration Of Independence" We The People _Too Much Noise_
"Declaration Of Independence" The Insect Trust _The Insect Trust_
"Independence Blues" The Crowd _Independence Blues_

Whither It Depends?

(Image from here.)

Oh hey.  Hey!  Over here.  Yeah, it's me.  Self Help Radio is new this week, after a week off.  I bet you kinda hoped it was gone for good, but no such luck!  Not only are we back, we're back with a really dumb theme: it depends.

What the hell does that mean?  Well, it means songs that talk about depending on people or things, & also songs about not depending on anyone, which, you know, is independence.  See?  Told ya!  A dumb theme.

The reason I'm doing this show is sort of stupid, too, & coincidental.  I was in a neighborhood supermarket some time around the beginning of the year & a customer was trying to get an opinion out of an employee, who didn't seem to feel confident enough about the subject matter, which was yogurt.  I myself was standing somewhat near to them, as in this supermarket, the place where the tofu & the tempeh is is next to the yogurt & the butter.  I was buying tofu.  I pretended to browse so I could eavesdrop.

The customer was my age or a little older & he seemed to need to know something about the yogurt in relation to what I believe was a recent development of lactose intolerance.  This he did not come out & say, so perhaps that explained the employee's hesitation to express a solid opinion one way or another, but this manifested in many rounds of a conversation like this:

Customer (holding up a small container of yogurt): "Is this a brand you think is good?"
Employee: "It depends."
Customer: "On what?"
Employee: "On your own preference."

The customer would then pick another brand & ask a similar question, often after poring over the little container.  The employee would wait patiently, & then be noncommittal all over again.

At some point the employee wandered away & (a person who I assumed was) the customer's spouse showed up & asked the customer, "Which one did he think was good?"  The customer said, "I think he liked this one best."

I was amazed.  I was convinced he'd be enraged!  But nope.  I thought, "I need to answer more questions with 'it depends'!"  People mainly want you to validate their own decisions, it seems.

& then of course I thought it might be a good show.  So I came home & started collecting songs.

Will it be a good show?  Let's not press our luck.  Let's just listen tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  I hope you'll listen.  I'm depending on it.

Preface To It Depends: Fucking Facebook

Facebook was down most of the day.  I was able to post my dumb pictures like I do to the Tumblr page (I also post them to my personal Facebook page) but after that, it wouldn't let me post nothing.

Yeah, I saw the double negative.  I did it on purpose!

This was bad for one reason that may not seem obvious, but a thing I do during the week (Sunday through Wednesday) is that I post a Youtube vid of a song on the show's Facebook page that I may or may not play on the show this week.  I don't know if anyone listens or cares but I like to be consistent.  & I couldn't post one today because, right now, I can't post anything to Facebook.  Not just nothing, I can't post anything.

Fucking Facebook!

Hard Times A-Comin'

"Hard Times A-Comin'."  Where did that come from?

Discogs tells me it's the b-side of a single by Earl Richards as demonstrated with photographic proof on the linked page.  (It for some reason won't let me upload the picture & it's just as well I suppose.)

But I haven't heard that single nor that b-side.  Speaking of, the Wikipedia entry about a- & b-sides doesn't let us know just why we refer to them as "a-sides" & "b-sides" although I suppose it makes sense.  Nowadays of course there are digital singles & they don't have sides.  They exist in the dimension of sound.

But back to the title of this post: why would I call it "Hard Times A-Comin'"?  Am I implying something?  Are you inferring something?  Are you one of those people who have a problem distinguishing between the words "imply" & "infer"?  In general, I never did but I did have someone once ask me, "What are you inferring?"  To which I replied, "I don't know, what are you implying?"  He didn't get the joke.

Frankly I'm lucky I didn't get beat up.

But I want to stress that I'm not talking about the country or the world or the economy or the climate or my old age or anything like that, although almost certainly hard times a-comin' for all those things.

Hey, maybe it's a message from my brain!  Do brains do that, send signals that hint at meaning?  Why would brains do that?  Wouldn't they want to be direct?  Brains don't have to be like religious texts or other mythic riddles, they can simply tell you what they want, right?  Or else - is that how we're wired?  To forever deal with ambiguous nonsense because we desperately need to trust our own interpretations?

Wow, that's depressing.  Is it true?  I don't know.  But if so, wow, how (let me reiterate) depressing!

Dogsitting

We're watching our neighbor's dog Brinkley for a week.  She went back home, which in her case is New York.  He's a sweet one, not terrible emotionally expressive, but needy.  When the wife left today, he waited by the door for her, not noticing that I was in my room.

But that's not what I was thinking when I thought of "dogsitting."  Like a child, in love with an old joke, I thought about actually sitting on a dog while watching it for its owners.  & because my brain is slightly diseased, it went back to something that disturbed me when I discovered its existence & that my brain wouldn't let me forget about, which is this: facesitting.

Now, I have of course heard the Monty Python ditty & I suppose I thought that song had something to do with the common Happy Days insult but the truth is I hadn't thought about it really at all.  Sit on it?  What?  Why?  Why a face?  That doesn't make any sense!

The Urban Dictionary has a very handy definition of facesitting though, some of which I will share here:

Face sitting is when one person sits on another person's face. Any gender can be the face sitter, & any gender can be the face sit recipient, or face "sittee." The face sitter can wear pants, dress, undergarments, be butt naked, etc.

Continue reading if you want more information, & be aware it's naughty, because facesitting is or ca be a sexual thing.  I did learn something new from this entry, though, which is: Face sitting is used in five main areas: Foreplay, domination, fantasy role play, mischief, or accident.

You may be asking yourself, how did Gary find out about facesitting?  Was it mischief or accident?  It was more than twenty years ago now, I was working part-time at an Austin video store mainly to get free movies, & the place had a porn room.  One small section of the porn room - I guess it was still too prohibitively difficult to watch videos online at that point - was dedicated to fetishes like facesitting.

Anyway, at some point it came to the attention of the owners or the manager that no one ever rented the facesitting videos.  So we wrapped them in plastic & put them up for sale.  & no one bought them.

One late night, a friend came by to take me out after I closed the place up.  He brought another friend, someone I only knew as an acquaintance, & that acquaintance found his way to the porn room.  I was counting money when I heard him exclaim, "Facesitting!  Holy shit!"

He was so excited by the videos - which, I seem to remember, did feature large women sitting on the faces of smaller men - that I told him he could have them.  I was frankly sick of them.  He carried out like the seven or eight facesitting videos like a happy schoolchild carrying the books of his beloved.

What the manager or the owners thought when they found the shelf empty of facesitting videos I don't know.  They didn't say anything to me, & I didn't rearranged the shelf to make it look like videos weren't missing.  Most probably, they forgot they were there at all.

Why does dogsitting make me think of facesitting?  I'm still a little jet-lagged, maybe, or my brain is just not right.  Probably the latter.

Self Help Radio 030819: You Gaze Out Into Space

It's very proper that the very male-centric Self Help Radio not have a show on International Women's Day, especially when I hadn't prepared for such a thing should I have done a show today.  Instead, as you know, I am in Portland enjoying myself.  In honor of the day, I'm going to see Captain Marvel at a beautiful old local place called the Bagdad Theater.

As for the fake theme up here: I play a dumb online game that I can't say I enjoy but I've been doing it for years & can't really stop & there's something that happens when you're playing & there's a time-based adventure & it's over but you'd have to log out for the links to disappear.  If you click the links, it'll say "You gaze out into space" with a black screen in front of you.  Today felt like that, had one gone to the website.

By the way, "gazing out into space" might be a terrible theme for a show. But in a sense, it's today's theme.

Nobody of course is missing Self Help Radio today but if you are might I recommend visiting the archive page & listening to an old episode?  That sounds like torture to me but maybe you'd enjoy it.

Meanwhile: a new show next week!  Hooray!

Enjoying Portland

Sorry if there's not been much action on the blog this week.  Portland has been delightful.  When we drove in, it snowed.  Today, just walking, it hailed, but in the afternoon the sun came out.  We're doing too much & eating too much & I'm not bothered that it's cold - the sun came out, after all.

This place is not at all like Fort Worth.  People walk, people bike, people seem to be out past eight pm.  We're going to a theater tomorrow.  I miss my animals but I'm glad to have uninterrupted sleep.

& yeah, I got to see the Monochrome Set last night.  I was dead tired from a day of traveling but it was super fun.

Here's the song "Portland" by Andrea Van Kampen I played on the Blend Tuesday.  She'd be happy to know it's been stuck in my head most of the day.

Portland

It's snowing. I never thought I'd drive through snow again. This is a lovely little town.

All right.  No time to dally.  Going to get pizza now at Virtuous Pie!

Being Coy? Moi?

It occurred to me that my last post, which mentioned there won't be a new Self Help Radio this week, didn't say what might be the reason for that.  Am I just taking a week off to be lazy?  Is there some sort of obligation?  Or might I be going somewhere?

Certainly I did not mean to be coy.  As I said on the radio this morning, I am visiting Portland.  The reason is sort of complicated.  It goes like this:

First, I haven't had a vacation for a while.  I honestly can't remember - maybe when we went to Pittsburgh this past summer was the last time I was separated from my animals.  But my wife is always traveling.  Granted, she did spend a lot of time with family in the past few months, & many people would refuse to call that vacation, but the point is, she was away from home.  I wanted to be away from home!

Second, thanks to Twitter, I noticed a few weeks ago that the legendary Monochrome Set were touring but, of course, not coming anywhere near here.  They were, however, going to be in the northwest in early March, specifically Portland, a town that I visited in November of 2017 & which I wanted to visit again.

It took a bit of cajoling (the wife is famously cheap) but she relented when she was able to get time off work, & we're leaving tomorrow for the Rose City & we'll get to see a band that I never imagined I'd ever see.  Plus, we'll eat like vegan kings - the town is the most vegan place I've ever been.

Naturally, my instincts failed me - it'll snow while we're there.  I've been told that Portland has some unbearably lovely days, but they don't happen in March.  It hasn't been too great in Dallas - it's been frightfully cold - but the sun visits more often than not.  I will probably not see much sunlight for the next four or five days.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention where I'm going.  Now I need to snuggle with my animals for a while.  I spend most of every day with them, & I feel separation anxiety when we're not together.  You'd think I'd feel relief, but nope.  Anxiety.

Know what?  I'll manage.  I need a week off!

A Week Off

Sort of.  I mean, I still have to do the Tuesday Morning Blend tomorrow, & I am always listening to stuff for Self Help Radio.  But yeah, I'm going out of town this week so there'll be limited action here & on the Facebook page.  Do you follow the show on its Facebook page?  You really should.

Not that anything exciting happens there, but then, nothing exciting happens here, & you're reading this.  Or are you?  I'm sorry, you were looking for what?  Some conspiracy page that claims that Luke Perry & the Prodigy guy were the same person?  What the hell?

Who would start a rumor like that?  & why?  To get people to their stupid blog?  It's disrespectful & it's dumb.  Don't blame me!  I though I had made it up & it wasn't even conceivable because it's so stupid!  Now I find out it's a thing!  Because everything is a thing! 

That's just great.  Damn, I need a week off.

Wait.

Self Help Radio 030119: So Much

(Original image here.)

On this week's show, which is so much show, we not only hear lots of songs about things & stuff that are so much, but we have special guests related to the So Muchies, the awards given for folks who have, do, or are just so much!  This is pretty amazing.  If you, like me, loved watching the So Muchies earlier in the week, you'll be thrilled to know we have its host & two of the winners!

My mind is still reeling with this.  Go listen to it already!  It's at the Self Help Radio website & you'll need, you know, the username (SHR) & the password (selfhelp) to listen.  The show's two hours long & what happens during the show is listed below.

Thanks so much for listening!

Self Help Radio So Much Show
"So Much" Jackie Wilson _So Much_
"So Much" Count Five _Psychotic Reaction_
"So Much" The Windbreakers _A Different Sort_

introduction & explanation

"So Much Song" Tanya Donelly _Beauty Sleep_
"It Hurts So Much" The Superbs _Anthology_
"So Much More" Tim & Adam _Tim & Adam_
"You Could Have It So Much Better" Franz Ferdinand _You Could Have It So Much Better_
"So Much About You" Lunchbox _The Magic Of Sound_

interview with So Muchies host & coordinator Kippa Love

"So Little Time (So Much To Do)" Louis Armstrong _The Complete Louis Armstrong Decca Sessions (1935-46)_
"I Love You So Much It Hurts" Floyd Tillman _The History Of Country & Western Music, Vol. 13 (1947)_
"The Book Was So Much Better Than The Picture" Jerry Lewis _Jerry Lewis: Capitol Collector's Series_
"Burning Airlines Give You So Much More" Brian Eno _Taking Tiger Mountain By Strategy_
"Only So Much You Can Do" Archie Powell & The Exports _Great Ideas In Action_

interview with So Muchie winner for So Much Anxiety, Todd Grub

"So Much Hate" East River Pipe _Oh, Merge: A Merge Records 10 Year Anniversary Compilation_
"So Much Fault" Dislocation Dance _Music Music Music/Slip That Disc!_
"So Much To Learn" Nikki Sudden _Fred Beethoven_
"Love You So What" Lloyd Cole _Bad Vibes_
"I Got So Much Trouble On My Mind" Joe Quarterman & Free Soul _Sir Joe Quarterman & Free Soul_

interview with So Muchie winner for Rocking So Much Harder Than Anyone, Lars Mars

"I Hate Myself For Loving You So Much" Betty Cody _The Successful Hillbilly Era Of Betty Cody (1952-54)_
"Not So Much To Be Loved As To Love" Jonathan Richman _Not So Much To Be Loved As To Love_
"So Much More" B'ehl _Bright Eyes_
"So Much To Do" California Oranges _California Oranges_
"Why Do You Have So Much Fun Without Me?" Barcelona _Simon Basic_

conclusion & goodbye

"So Much For Love" John Cale _Walking On Locusts_
"It's So Much Easier" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Ponyoak_
"So Much To Lose" My Dad Is Dead _The Taller You Are, The Shorter You Get_
"Miss It So Much" Röyksopp _Junior_

Whither So Much?

(Image from here.)

What can I say about a show that's about so much?  I should be able to say so much about such a show.  Instead, I find myself not really saying too much.  Which is not like me.  Is it?

In case I haven't told this story before: when I was in high school, to irritate my mother, who is German, I refused to take German as my foreign language requirement.  I took Latin instead.  Get it? It's a dead language!  Anyway, my high school only let you take two years of Latin, so I had to take another language for my senior year, & this time I chose French.  Fuck you, Mom!  (Don't worry, I decided to be a good son & took German in college.)

In French class, as opposed to Latin class, they had a penpal service you could use to write to people in the countries whose languages you were studying.  (I guess they wisely chose not to let teenagers write to priests who spoke Latin.)  I had like three penpals but they were too teenager-y & wrote only in French.  My French was not good.  But a girl from Belgium wrote me - her native language was Dutch - so she was mainly interested in writing in English.  That was easy for me!

Years later, I visited Germany & sneaked over to Belgium to meet her, & we were sitting in her dorm room - she lived at a Catholic co-op that very kindly also furnished me with a room for the night - & even though we had written many letters & even sent tapes back & forth to one another, she paused after I said something & said, "I didn't know you would talk so much!"

We're still friends.  I still talk so much.  But there's so much more to this week's show than my talking, thankfully.  Find out tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  You might find it so much fun to listen to!

Preface To So Much Show: MIA Today

Certainly I would like to tell you that I spent the day working on the show ("I worked on it so much today") but I didn't, really.  I mean, I usually put a slew of possible songs on my phone & listen when I can - making dinner, driving somewhere, on dogwalks if the wife is talking to her mom - that's usually several hours worth of songs.

Quick aside: the most covered song of the week, wanna guess what it was?  I'll tell ya later.

No, today I spent a great deal of time obsessing about the Michael Cohen testimony.  I read about it on Twitter, I watched clips online, when we went for a dogwalk, I read Cohen's prepared remarks to the wife.  It felt historical.  It felt like the beginning of the end.  But what the hell do I know?

Of course I have no insights about any of this.  I don't know if I've shared many political opinions on this or any other radio show I've done.  I can't imagine what I would say if I had to stand up & express my views with a bunch of people.  I am apparently bad at that.  For example:

There were people I used to know, I met them on a Usenet group in the 90s, it turned out they were very conservative although for some reason politics never came up, at least in email exchanges or whatever.  I used to joke that I was "somewhat to the left of Leon Trotsky," a line I stole from somewhere, or maybe I was repurposing a comparison I had heard about Reagan or someone that said he was "somewhat to the right of Genghis Khan."  Trotsky was pulled out of my ass, for no real reason.  I never really had any sympathy for communism in practice.  Anyway.

Years later, in a dumb discussion on Facebook, one of these people got angry at me & said I had "terrible, revolutionary ideas."  The person said, "I know how you really feel."  I didn't remember saying anything really political to this person, except maybe the Trotsky line.  So, you know.  It somehow triggered this person to believe I deserved an icepick to the brain.

& yeah, I am not revealing the gender of the person because I still know them a little & don't want to out them if they still pay attention to me.  I don't think they do, but I don't want to argue about something as dumb as my unexplained politics versus their hyper-partisan politics.

See?  This is what watching C-Span does to you!

& the song - it's Floyd Tillman's "I Love You So Much It Hurts."  I had a few covers of that.  I think I'll play the original, though.

Here's some dumb trivia: when I worked at the University of Texas, & managed students that helped faculty in the College of Liberal Arts with instructional technology, one of those students had the last name Tillman.  I jokingly asked if he were related to Floyd, & he said, "I am.  Probably distantly, but the family talks about him."

That was cool.

I Am Tired, I Am Weary

Do you know the song I am quoting?

I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years

It is of course the song "Venus In Furs" by the Velvet Underground, which I did not play on the radio this morning, choosing instead the less long & disturbing "Femme Fatale."

On the air I mentioned I have a huge crush on the long-dead Nico, who sang the song, which prompted a caller to ask me if I had to choose to between Nico & Ultra Violet, whom would I choose?  I said Nico, duh.  He seemed okay with that, so I suggested we double-date.

Here's a picture of Nico's "Screen Test" for Andy Warhol which I took in the Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh last summer:

That she was beautiful is beyond reproach.  Something about her singing seems to have puzzled as well as mesmerized many listeners.

There's a chance I may be dreaming this, but I recall reading an interview with Leonard Cohen - who had a dalliance with her, the lucky fool - in which he describes in some detail his encounter, & how puzzling it was, until he realized that she basically deaf.  I have scoured the internet for confirmation of this but have found none.  It's not like the kind Mr. Cohen to be pejorative.  But it seems he was incorrect.

In any event: I wake at 4am to go to KNON to do a show at 7am.  The drive is around fifty minutes from there to here (& back again) give or take the regularly scheduled stupid traffic accident.  Today that happened literally right before the exit to KNON.  How thoughtful!  A freak-out about being late for the show right as I neared the station!

& yeah, look, I know "Venus In Furs" isn't about being tired because you've been up way too long.  I get it.  But why should things we quote necessarily have anything to do with context?  Pretty much anyone who quotes a religious text is foregoing context.  For me, Lou Reed is as close to a religious text as I'll ever get - so I'm sure he'd understand.

Or maybe he wouldn't, but who cares?  As anyone who's studied literature will tell you, at some point it has nothing to do with what the author intended.  So many dissertations have flowed from this.  & it's fucking beautiful.

Tumblr Blog I Like # 5

Again, this is not a Tumblr blog, though I discovered this on Tumblr.  It's a site called They Can Talk.  I find it goofy & charming.  For example:

If we were friends on Facebook, you would have hidden me from your feed by now because I'm always posting comics like this.

Self Help Radio 022319: Submarines

(Original image here.)

Here it is!  The probably-not-long-awaited submarine show!  It took a while to surface but now it's finally here!

At this point there's not much else to say.  Lots of songs about submarines.  Lots of talk about submarines - even the edible kind.  Lots of lots about submarines.  See below!

Show now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Password is selfhelp, username is SHR.  Sorry it took so long.  Once I got started it went by in a flash.

Up periscope!

Self Help Radio Submarine Show

"A Submarine" Inertia _The Screen_
"Submarine" Whipping Boy _Submarine_
"Submarine" Adorable _Fake_

introduction, apologies, & definitions

"Submarine" Black Grape _It's Great When You're Straight...Yeah_
"Submarine" Mockingbirds _Mockingbirds_
"Submarine" Autumn Teen Sound _Millefeuille (Beikoku-Ongaku # 14)_
"Submarine" The Drums _Summertime! EP_
"Submarine" Grass Widow _Past Time_

interview with Jersey Mike's founder Jersey Mike

"Submarine" Still Corners _Creatures Of An Hour_
"Submarine" Robert Wyatt _Different Every Time_
"Submarine # 3" The Starlight Mints _Random Access Music Machine: US Pop Life, Vol. 7 - Experimental_
"Submarine Bells" The Chills _Submarine Bells_
"Submarine Dream" The Apples In Stereo _The Discovery Of A World Inside The Moone_

interview with submarine ride proprietor Elmer Boyden

"The Submarine Race" The Visuals _The Poplar Records Story_
"Submarine Race Watching" The Escorts _7 Wonders Of The World_
"The Submarine Races" Jan & Dean _Ride The Wild Surf_
"The Submarine Race" Bob & Ray _Bob & Ray Classic, Vol. 1_
"One Of Our Submarines" Thomas Dolby _The Golden Age Of Wireless_

a very brief history of submarines

"I'll Be Your Submarine" Jenny Adkins _I'll Be Your Submarine_
"Cute Submarines" The Jazz Butcher _Illuminate_
"Up Periscope" Insect Surfers _Wavelength_
"Midget Submarines" Swell Maps _A Trip To Marineville_
"U Boat" A Frames _Black Forest_

conclusion, apologies, & goodbye

"Purple Aeroplane" Spike Milligan _Spike: The Best Of Spike Milligan_
"Yellow Submarine" The Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band _Hot Heat & Sweet Groove_
"Yellow Submarine" Bill Ramsey _Pop In Germany Vol. 2_
"Brown Submarine" Boston Spaceships _Brown Submarine_
"Thin Black Sail" British Sea Power _Valhalla Dancehall_

Show Delayed

(Image from here.)

Hey, sorry, some other things got in the way of me finishing the show today.  It's really all my fault but rather than releasing it some time tonight when my head is above water (that's not really a joke but it may seem so because the show is about submarines), I'll just delay it for a day, & the show about submarines will happen tomorrow at noon.

Thanks for your patience, & again, I'm really sorry.  I will try to make sure I'm on time regularly from now on.  Like I normally am.  This is not going to become a habit is what I mean,

Meanwhile, enjoy one other graphic, this one altered by me, the original of which I found here, which is cute but makes little sense because it's about television & Self Help Radio is (thankfully) not a television show.

Again, sorry.

Whither Submarines?

(Image from here.)

Why in the world is Self Help Radio about submarines this week?  & didn't you already do a show with the theme "underwater"?

To answer the last question first, yes, a show about things underwater aired in 2006.  That was thirteen years ago, however, & anyone who might have listened to that show is now so old they doubtless have become hard of hearing, myself included.  Although I don't think I listened to that show.  I didn't much like Self Help Radio in those days.  I often did the show under protest.  The underwater show under protest.  But that didn't help.

To answer your first question last, I am doing this show because Jenny suggested it.  That was simple, wasn't it?  Why didn't you think of that?  It's so easy!  Just contact me here or on the show's Facebook page or even on the show's Twitter page & say, "Hey man, why don'tcha do a show about _____?"  You will want to check the show's "Table Of Contents" to see if the theme has been covered before, but there's a good chance you'll have something interesting & new for me to cover.  Unless you're being cute & you think you'd like to hear a show about "chance."  I done that already.

Tomorrow at noon on Self Help Radio dives deep with a show about submarines.  Let's hope it doesn't give you the bends!  (I'm pretty sure I used that same joke thirteen years ago.  But who cares?  The people who might've listened can't hear anything very well anymore!)

Preface To Submarines: The Ballad Of Peachy & Bootsy (Part III)

Sorry.  This has nothing to do with submarines.  I am recounting my weekend adventures with two feral neighborhood cats which we trapped, got spayed & neutered (one of each), & put in my garage to recover.  When we last looked in on them (yesterday), a day had passed since their operations, & they had somewhat settled into living in the garage.

Peachy was the most brave, sleeping on a dog bed we put on a table for that very purpose.  He also seemed to be doing most of the eating.  Bootsy hid where she cold, mainly in-between shelves behind a big box.  I tried to put her food as close to her as possible, so she'd have a chance to eat.

They finally started to use the litter box, but didn't know how to cover their litter.  Feral cats, man.  Their parents don't teach them shit.  Literally.

The neighbor (who trapped them & took us to the vet for the spaying/neutering) would visit & they were way more comfortable around him - they seemed to have forgiven him for, or forgotten that he was instrumental in, trapping them.  He had been feeding them for months now, it made sense.  The wife told me that Bootsy's eyes, as big & beautiful as they were, seemed mostly full of fear.  I tried to make their stay as stress-free as possible.

But we couldn't keep them forever, & they would have been very hard work to tame, to integrate into a household.  They were feral from day one.  So I needed to plan to let them out.  That's the whole purpose, of course, of trap, neuter, return (or catch, spay, release) programs.

One big obstacle was our neighbor.  He & his wife already have maybe six cats, & couldn't adopt new ones, but I think he expected me to keep them as long as I could to possibly adopt them.  He was mad, for example, that they clipped the ferals' ears, since he felt that might hinder future adoptions.  He cautioned me to keep them a day longer.  He was philosophical when I told him I planned to let them go on Monday.  But he didn't try to guilt me any more than he had.

The truth is, I always intended to let them go.  But I wanted to make sure they were well.

On Monday, I opened the garage door.  It was loud & we were there, so the cats continued to hide.  I lowered the garage door to cat-height, & the wife & I went for a walk with our dogs.  When we got back, our feral guests were gone.

Something in me was sad & offended - I thought they might want to stick around.  But most of me knew they were miserable in there.  They had never really known shelter & confinement.  It wasn't their way.

At some point today I saw Peachy wandering around.  I haven't see Bootsy but the wife says she has. I think we've probably done as much for them as possible - the neighbor will continue to feed them.  I hope they live long lives in their freedom.  I feel like we've given them a chance of sorts.

But, yeah, I miss them.  I go into the garage & it feels wrong.  Every cat should have a place with some human, like my cat Bronte is sitting & purring next to me as I write this.  It's a sadness that this is not the case.

The Ballad Of Peachy & Bootsy (Part II)

As discussed yesterday, a neighbor helped me & my wife trap two ferals - named Bootsy & Peachy - & we took them this past Friday to get spayed/neutered.  We believed Bootsy was a girl, & Peachy was a boy.  We were right!  We dropped them off in the morning.

The neighbor & I returned before three (the information they gave us warned that they closed at four, no exceptions! which made me wonder if we didn't show up, did they just let the animals go?), & picked the sweeties up.  We discovered, yes, Peachy was male, & that not only was Bootsy a girl, but that she had been about a month pregnant.  This may offend the antichoice people out there, but Bootsy's litter was prevented from being brought to term.  Cats have a gestation period of around two & a half months, & we had noticed Bootsy's milkshake bringing all the toms to the yard earlier in the year, so apparently there had been successful coupling.  She was in fact around a month pregnant.  Well, no more.  For me, it was a relief - who knows what lives those kittens - or Bootsy herself - would have led?  Hunger, privation, suffering, death.  I felt somewhat gratified that we broke the cycle that Bootsy's mother probably lived in.

They were sedated when we brought them home, which means freaked out in most cats.  Seriously, they do not chill on pain meds.  We knew Bootsy would need more calm to recover in, so we put her in the two-floor cage we bought for Vincent, in our garage.  We let Peachy out, into the garage, & he promptly hid.

One thing my neighbor told me is this: "I've never met a cat who didn't know how to use a litter box."  Well.  I met two!  Oh, they eventually learned how to use it, but not before Peachy pissed on lots of things in our garage.  Not only that, but once he stopped being doped up, he decided to climb.  To climb!  Here he is at the top of our garage:

Poor thing.  The vet said he was three or four years old, & his face suggests he's seen some skirmishes.  The neighbor told me that, once he uses up his testosterone, he won't want to fight for mating or territory any more.

Bootsy (whom the vet said was one or two years old) stayed in the cage for a little over a day, & she didn't really eat or drink.  She was quite miserable.  As you can see:

At some point on Saturday, we let her out of the cage - not the garage! - we thought she was better & we hoped she might relax a little bit.  Fat chance!  Like Peachy, she found a place to hide & retreated there when I showed my face.  But I knew they were safe from the cold & that there was food & water for them.

& a litter box too, if they would just learn to use it.

The Ballad Of Peachy & Bootsy (Part I)

On Thursday, using traps we borrowed from the nice folks at Panther City Feral Cat Coaltion, we caught - well, I should say our neighbor caught - he had been feeding them so they trusted him as much as they were able - this is convoluted - there were two ferals our neighbor had been feeding.  He was the one who brought the cat who was known as Wookie but who is now called Vince to our house as I discussed previously here when Vince showed up looking bad & all torn up.  Anyway, there were these two other ferals, we discussed trapping them to fix them, & got the traps.  But it was our neighbor who got the ferals to be comfortable around the traps, & he then put food in them, & they walked right in.  It was the first time I'd seen that & it was extraordinary.

They were so frightened.  We put them in my garage & covered them up.  We needed to keep them overnight to take them to a clinic the next day to get them spayed & neutered.

We called the two cats Peachy (he was the one we thought was male, & we think he could be related to Vince, perhaps his son or grandson) & Bootsy (we presumed she was female & her name had nothing to do with bass guitar but with cute little white "boots" she seemed to have on her feet, contrasting with her mainly furry black body).  I was up late Thursday working on the show & I could hear the cries from the garage - mainly I think from Bootsy.  I don't think Peachy vocalizes except perhaps when he's in a fight.  While Bootsy is black & sweet & demure, Peachy is scarred & rugged.  I of course felt sad hearing it & I had to keep reminding myself we were helping them, not torturing them.

The next morning, our neighbor drove us to a clinic in Cleburne (just a few miles down the road) (he has a truck) where they offer free spaying & neutering but only for the first twelve or so cats.  We arrived more than thirty minutes early, & Bootsy & Peachy were fourth & fifth.  I was impressed, & a little terrified, at the assembly line process they have, but they're doing good work.  I was a little sad to leave the kittens there but I knew they were in good hands.

There's more!  I'll continue tomorrow.  Plus, I'll have pictures.  Promise.

Self Help Radio 021519: Steam

(Original image here.)

Steam!  It's a digital distribution platform developed by the Valve Corporation for purchasing & playing video games!  That's so uninteresting!  But wait!

Steam is also the vapor that water's converted into when heated!  That's the stuff!  You can make a radio show out of that kind of steam!

We have firsthand knowledge of steam.  It's what makes our kettles whistle when our water's hot enough.  It used to power trains & boats but for all I know it still makes a calliope go.  Some of us enjoy soaking in hot tubs & basking in the steam, & a thankfully smaller amount of us enjoy so called steam rooms in saunas & spas for reasons that are probably inexplicable at least to me.

It's hard to get steamed at a celebration of steam, is what I'm trying to say.  & luckily for me, that's what this week's Self Help Radio is about.  See details below.

Listen at Self Help Radio dot net.  Use this username: SHR.  Use this password: selfhelp.  Use your best judgment if wanting to listen around friends.  They might not understand & you may never see them again.  This is what happened with my family.

Steam!  It may be science, technology, engineering, art, & mathematics to you, but it's a fine radio show to me!

Self Help Radio Steam Show

"Steam" Caroline Day _Girls Will Be Girls, Vol. 2_
"Steam" The March Violets _The Botanic Verses_
"Steam" The Aluminum Group _Plano_

introduction & definitions

"Head Full Of Steam" The Go-Betweens _Liberty Belle & The Black Diamond Express_
"Dreams Of Steam" Elk City _Status_
"Steam Heat" Patti Page _The Mercury Years, Vol. 2_
"Steamroller" Merry Clayton _Merry Clayton_
"Steam Away" The Flying Lizards _Fourth Wall_

a discussion of the history of steamboats

"Steamboat Man Blues" Clara Smith _Folk Music In America, Vol. 8: Songs Of Labor & Livelihood_
"Steamboat (Keep Rockin')" Bud & Joe Billings _Singing Pals From Kansas_
"Steamboat Days" Richard Amerson _Alabama From Lullabies To Blues_
"Steamboat Whistle Blues" Roy Acuff & His Crazy Tennesseans _1936-1939: Steamboat Whistle Blues_
"Steamboat Boogie" Ricky Riddle _MGM Hillbilly, Vol. 2_

a brief interlude before another round of steamboat songs

"Steamboat" The Drifters _Let The Boogie Woogie Roll_
"Steamboat Bill" The Coffee Bar Skifflers _Skiffle Showcase_
"Collectors Item Show: Fulton's Steamboat" Bob & Ray _Bob & Ray Classic, Vol. 4_
"Steamliner" The Flames _Syde Tryps, Vol. 6_
"Rachael Built A Steamboat" The Teardrop Explodes _Wilder_
"Channel Steamer" Nikki Sudden _British Airwaves_

a discussion of the history of steam locomotives

"Last Of The Steam-Powered Trains" The Kinks _The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society_
"Columns O'Steam" The Lucksmiths _A Good Kind Of Nervous_
"The Little Steam Engine" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"Steaming Train" Talulah Gosh _Steaming Train EP_
"The Man Who Thought He Was A Steam Train" Clive Product _Financial Suicide_
"Steam Of Hercules" Bob Mould _Silver Age_

a discussion of idioms involving the word "steam"

"Barnum's Steam Calliope" Sunset Four _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Vol. 1: 1917-1927_
"The Steam Is On The Beam (vocals, Kay Thompson)" Johnny Green & His Orchestra _From Out Of Nowhere_
"Steamer" Joey Bellomo _Party Party Party (34 Raw, Ruthless, & Rugged Sixties Garage Rockers)_
"Steam Comes Off Our House" De Rosa _Ballads Of The Book_
"Smoke & Steam" Trembling Blue Stars _She Just Couldn't Say_

conclusion & goodbye

"Hamam" Transcendental _Steam - Hamam: The Turkish Bath (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_
"Steam" Jah Wobble & Brian Eno _Spinner_
"Days Of Steam" John Cale _The Academy In Peril_

Whither Steam?

(Image from here.)

That web page where I got the image of the kettle above reminds me, "Steam is an invisible gas. You cannot see steam. What you see when a kettle boils is actually tiny drops of water."  Well la de da!

I almost used this image to illustrate steam:

(This image from here.)

In either case, I suppose, the steam is invisible - unless you're in a comic.

Why do a radio show about steam?  Is it an obsession with steamboats?  Steam-powered trains?  Kettles?  I can't really remember.  It happened recently - I put this show together far more quickly than I usually do - but for the life of me I can't remember what started me down this path.

What I'd like to pretend is that it was an accident, that I kept hearing songs about steam when I wasn't paying attention, & that the songs were really about something else, something that vaguely rhymes with steam.  Yeah, let's say that.  It's all a mistake!  & like steam, it's immaterial!

Tomorrow at noon we'll all get steamed up.  Self Help Radio dot net.  The last of the steam-powered radio shows?

Preface To Steam: The Three States Of Matter (Forgetting Plasma)

Here's today's lesson.  Read along!

"Matter can exist in one of three main states: solid, liquid, or gas."

That's fine but wait there's more:

"In extreme environments, other states may be present, such as plasma, Bose-Einstein condensates, & neutron stars."

All right, now that we're got that out of the way what do you mean there's more:

"Further states, such as quark-gluon plasmas, are also believed to be possible."

Ha ha, let's just stay with the most common states of matter oh you have something else to add:

"Much of the atomic matter of the universe is hot plasma in the form of rarefied interstellar medium & dense stars."

Ah.  Well.  It's just that the show this week is about steam, which of course is the gaseous state of water, & we're not really going to talk about plasma you see.

Damn it.

Bose-Einstein condensates???

Another One Down

(This is a boring "Gary-is-bad-at-Pledge-Drive" post.  Feel free to ignore or read the others I've written over again, as this will not have any new information in it.)

Boy, am I bad at Pledge Drive.  There are doubtless many reasons for this, from how most people who listen to them don't pledge to radio stations to I have not nor have ever been a good salesperson, but every time I do one of these - & I believe I've done like twelve or more of them for KNON by now - I feel like I have tried everything there's nothing else I can do.

Something we did at KOOP down in Austin - I've mentioned this before - we had someone come in whom we called a "choreographer" whose job it was to take care of the pitching - they went to special classes & also were deejays good at raising money for their own shows - while the regular deejays concentrated on making sure the show sounded good.  KNON does not do this - it's every show for itself.  & today, though I had two people helping me with phones, neither wanted to be on air, so they didn't talk.

But I will say that I was bad at Pledge Drive on KOOP too so maybe I am romanticizing the idea of the choreographer.  Or looking for someone to blame!

The whole idea of community radio, of a place where people who love music can come & do radio & it not be polluted by corporate nonsense & interference - that idea is something I love so dearly, I have given so much of my time to it for over twenty-five years now, the sad fact that I can't properly convey that love in a way that encourages people to help keep this thing I love on the air, that's the worst thing for me.

& the long drive home - I don't believe I've ever had a "walk of shame" - or else I did but didn't feel any shame, really - that drive home is one long drive of failure.

& I feel like it's troubling that I really can't do any better.  I will spend the week - I am certain I have to do another pledge drive show again next week - trying to research more fundraising techniques.  But the show won't be thematic - the last two "theme" shows failed to raise very much money - & I'm not sure I can tailor my pitches any better to the listener than I have.

All right, enough, I could go round & round in my head doing this.  The few people who pledged these two weeks - their names are Al, Justin, Carole, Valerie, Tim, Connie, Gene, Cynthia, & Natalie - I thank them deeply & am glad someone called.

The first hour today was frickin' brutal.

Schedule Change

You might have noticed - you probably didn't - but maybe you did - that the Self Help Radio web site said this week's theme would be "Radio On The Edge."  But on Saturday that changed to "Steam."  What's that all about?

It's all about my stupidity.  I've done this a couple of times before, & truly that's surprising - I've been making these theme-based radio shows for sixteen years now - but I try really hard not to repeat a theme.  I even made a page of all the themes I've covered - it's right here - mainly so I could check to see if I might have covered a theme before.

A few weeks back, when something inspired me to do a show about "edges" (it seems dumb but sure most of my themes are a little dumb), I went to that page, looked to the letter e, & found no "edge."  So I started working on the show.  I even announced it on last week's show!

But something kept bugging me.  I felt déjà vu more than once.  So I decided to look through my old playlists - maybe I did a set of "edgy" songs on the Tuesday Morning Blend or something.  But no, a deep dive into forgotten radio show playlists resulted in the discovery of a show with the theme On Edge.  Same difference.

Criminy crackers, Gary, why not just call the theme "edge"?  Why "on edge"?  Because.

It caused me to scramble, I added a theme I would've explored in a month or so, I don't know why I didn't just move next week's up a week, it just happened & I've been putting songs on the Self Help Radio Facebook page, I guess the show'll be about steam this week.

The thing is, I'm not steamed about it at all.  I'm glad I caught it.  How embarrassing if I repeated a theme!  I'm not quite senile yet!

Anyway, you didn't notice & you don't care but here was a glimpse of some behind-the-scenes nonsense.  I just hope I haven't explored "steam" yet!