I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Is a song by Burt Bacharach & Hal David.  The first time I heard the song was by Elvis Costello, from his "sort of punk" years:



In those days - I was still in high school - I was pretty earnest about my Elvis Costello studies, so I recall being particularly moved by the lines:

Like a summer rose
Needs the sun & rain
I need your sweet love
To beat all the pain

It was my first experience with the brilliance of Hal David's lyrics.

Later on, of course, I heard the version lots of folks think is definitive, which is Dusty Springfield's:



Although there are those who prefer Dionne Warwick's:



Maybe because it was produced by Bacharach himself?

Is it weird I still prefer Elvis Costello's?  & no, I can't listen to the White Stripes version.  Nope.

Self Help Radio 062116: Torture

(Poor old bear!  Original here.)

Does a show about torture constitute torture?  Is it a form of self-torture to be tortured by that question?  Are these real questions or are they rhetorical so one need not torture oneself to discover the answers?

The answers won't surprise you: no, no, they're rhetorical.  Boom!  All done.  Everyone can go home now.

Of if you didn't hear the show, you can listen to it now as if you're chained to a wall & have nothing better to do with your time at the Self Help Radio website, which can be pretty torturous if you don't know there's a username & password & that that username & password combo is on the front page.  The songs are listed below.

Oddly enough, no one gave me any of the information I wanted during the course of the show.  Dad gum it, torture doesn't work after all!

(part one)

"Torture" Del Shannon _Home & Away: The Complete Recordings 1960-1970_
"Torture" A-440 _Mindrocker: Anthology Of 60s US-Punk Garage Psych, Vol. 4_
"Torture" The Everly Brothers _Gone, Gone, Gone_

"Torture" The Cure _Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me_
"Torture" The Psychedelic Furs _Midnight To Midnight_
"Torture" King Khan & The Shrines _The Supreme Genius Of King Khan & The Shrines_
"Ye Tortures" Spike Milligan _Muses With Milligan_
"Torture" The Virgin-Whore Complex _Stay Away From My Mother_

"Two Years Of Torture" Percy Mayfield _The Swingtime Records Story_
"My Tortured Mind" Amos Milburn _The Complete Aladdin Recordings_
"It's Torture" Maxine Brown _Oh No, Not My Baby: The Best Of Maxine Brown_
"Torture" Hairy Diamond _Beikoku-Ongaku Magazine # 19 - Fall 2001_

"Torture Day" The Notwist _12_

(part two)

"Methods Of Torture" Negativland _Escape From Noise_
"It's Torture" Jean Shepard _The Melody Ranch Girl_
"Water Torture" Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel _Hole_

"Tortured Soul" The Fauves _Tortured Soul_
"The Torturers" Po! _Little Stones_
"Sweet Torture" How Many Beans Make Five _One Last Look_
"The Spanish Inquisition" Monty Python _The Final Rip-Off_
"Life Is A Tortured Love Affair" Coke Escovedo _Coke_

"Tender Torture" Islands _Vapours_
"You Torture Me" Art Kubin _The Hit Sound Of Art Kubin_
"Torture Me" Harlem _Hippies_
"Torture Me" Peter Himmelman _The Musings Of Someone_

"Torture" The Wolfhounds _Lost But Happy: The Wolfhounds 1986-1990_

Whither Torture?

(This is from here.)

May I give you a little backstory?  When I first started doing this blog, I conceived of a weekly entry - always to begin with the pretentious word Whither? - detailing how I came up with those darn themes every week.  Over time, this task - which I have continued to do nonetheless, for almost ten years now - revealed itself as something mostly mundane.  There were never any great revelations about why I had decided to do a theme.  In fact, they mostly came down to a few reasons:

1) It's a time of year (Halloween, Christmas, etc.)
2) I was listening to a song or lots of songs & the theme was in the song(s).
3) Someone suggested it.
4) I can't really remember.

This is not scientific - I'm not going to go back & read ten years of posts to check - but I wouldn't be surprised if reason number four is the most common explanation I've used.  Actually, it might not be, not because it isn't true, but because out of embarrassment for reason number four, I often come up with this:

5) Make something up.

It's not that I have a great imagination or anything, I just get tired of saying "I don't remember why I thought of that theme."  I'm certainly not intending to deceive.  These are no Donald Trump-level lies - in fact, the only thing they have in common with Trump's lies are their obviousness.*  No, I am making shit up because I don't want to have to write "Who knows where this theme came from?" over & over, week after week.

Having said all that: I don't know why I thought about doing a show about torture.  It might have been from listening to Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me a couple of months ago.  I don't know!

But no matter.  The Self Help Radio show about torture is on today from 4-6pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington & online at wrfl dot fm.  If you resist, we have ways of making you listen.

Get it?  I threatened to torture you if you didn't listen!  Humor, it's fun.**

* Sorry, sudden political content.
** I'm also on from 2-4pm today subbing Tyler's show.  I'm sorry this isn't a proper footnote, but I couldn't think of where to say this anywhere up there.

Preface To Torture: Being Provocative On The Radio

(I found this here.)

In general, Self Help Radio isn't a political show.  In general, it can hardly be considered "entertaining."  But when I told some folks the show this week would be about torture, they reacted like I was becoming the next - well - whoever's a popular talking head on radio these days.  I have no idea.

Here's the thing: my topics are basically just outlines to be filled by the music available that comes somewhat close to being about whatever the theme is.  & I promise you, there aren't a whole lot of songs that talk about torture in the sense of Abu Ghraib.  Mostly it's a hyperbolic description of how someone - usually an object of love - has made you feel.

In fact, most of my themes - the ones that aren't goofy phrases or words that don't intrinsically give themselves over to thematic radio shows - veer toward the metaphorical rather than the actual.  My show about chickens from so very long ago was not always about chickens - you know, because "chicks" can mean something other than baby chickens.

While I can't promise I won't utter the phrase "enhanced interrogation," I can promise you that most of the torture on the show will not involve implements from the Inquisition.

Most.  But maybe some.

In any event.  I hope I have set your mind at ease.  In case, you know, you're a fan of torture.  Or something.

Cradle To Grave, Episode Twenty-Five

Here it is, the last episode of Cradle To Grave!  It was a bittersweet affair, starting late (I was outside the studio chatting with someone), & beset by technical difficulties (user error), which I corrected in post (ie, removed from the recording because embarrassment).  Oh my god, did I say "corrected in post"?  I don't deserve a radio show!

One nice thing is there's a song that's a tribute to my cat Beatrice.  If I had done the show longer - & paid more attention - I would've tried to incorporate people I know (since most of the people I know are cats) in some way.  I didn't do it, but I promised I'd make a list of the birthdays of the sorts of folks (you know, indie musicians) (as well as my friends) who don't make it onto "on this day in music history" type lists.

Ah well.  Water under the bridge.  Lessons to be taken to heart when/if Cradle To Grave comes back.

Meanwhile, you can listen to this last show by visiting the Self Help Radio web page.  The deaths & births I talk about are listed below, although sometimes it's a sideperson whose life is the subject, so you gotta listen to find out who!  Whom?  To find out whom!

& thanks to anyone who might've listened to this show & the twenty-four that preceded it!

(birthdays)

"Tennessee Saturday Night" Red Foley _The History Of Country & Western Music, Vol. 14 (1947-1948)_
"Barnyard Banjo Pickin'" David Stringbean Akeman _Old Time Banjo: Vintage String Sound_
"The Cry Of The Wild Goose" Terry Gilkyson _Troubadours: Folk & The Roots Of American Music, Part 1_
"Who Threw The Whiskey In The Well" Sing Miller _Old Times With Sing Miller_
"Hogan's Heroes March" Hogan's Heroes Cast _Hogan's Heroes Sing The Best Of World War II_

"Pussy Cat" Twink _The Broken Record_
"Be-Bop-A-Lula" Gene Vincent _Classic Rockabilly: Swing Bop Boogie_
"Pogo Dancing" Chris Spedding & The Vibrators _Pogo Dancing_
"Television Screen" The Radiators From Space _The Chiswick Story: Adventures Of An Independent Record Label 1975-1982_
"Kill The Poor" Dead Kennedys _Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables_
"Living In Vain" Snakefinger _Change The Beat: The Celluloid Records Story 1979-1987_
"I Write The Songs" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Barry 7"_

"Early In The Morning" Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five _Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five, Vol. 4: 1947-1949_
"Wail Of The Scromph" Gene Sedric & Al Casey _The World Of Swing_
"Where Are We Going?" Donald Byrd _Black Byrd_

(death anniversaries)

"Oriental Strut" Louis Armstrong & His Hot Five _Hot Fives & Sevens_
"The Moon Song" Kate Smith _Hollywood Sings! The Girls_
"My Ship" Jackie Paris _Jackie Paris Sings The Lyrics Of Ira Gershwin_
"The More I See You" Jeff Chandler _Jeff Chandler Sings To You_
"Tristeza De Nós Dois" Wanda Sá & Durval Ferreira _Um Cantinho, Um Violão E Bossa Nova_

"Rock Around The Clock" Bill Haley & His Comets _Loud, Fast & Out Of Control: The Wild Sounds Of '50s Rock_
"A Little Loving" The Fourmost _The British Invasion_
"Open Up Your Door" Richard & The Young Lions _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 4_
"Thread The Needle" Clarence & Calvin _The Fame Studios Story 1961-1973_
"Just Friends" Chris & Peter Allen _The Get Easy! Sunshine Pop Collection_

"We're Looking For A Piano" Original Cast _Salad Days (Original London Cast Recording)_
"Space Oddity (Live)" Flying Pickets _The Best Of Flying Pickets_

"Infinity" Eon _Void Dweller_

Oh, Hey

Um, I did my last episode of Cradle To Grave yesterday, & normally I put the show up on the day after, but, you know, it's weird, it was draining, I just wanted to take a day off.

So I took the day off.  I hope you don't mind.

Self Help Radio 061416: Fog

(Original image here.)

Yes, a radio show about fog.  It occurs to me I didn't mention why I was doing a radio show about fog.  The answer is, I'm not sure.  I don't know when the idea came to me or why it came to me in the first place.  Honestly, I usually don't pay much attention.  It's like I'm in a fog much of the time.

Luckily, it was perfect weather for a foggy show, & you can find that show (& maybe even some weather) over at the Self Help Radio website.  It was two hours long, but for reasons that I don't understand, I've divided the show into two, & the music in each part (but not the chatter, nor the interviews) is listed below.

Interviews!  Yes!  I interviewed a meteorologist who likes fog, a cult leader whose organization worships fog, & my own spiritual advisor, who has help lift me out of my own personal fog.  That's in the show, too!  It's not just music.  Duh.

Geez, I can't see my hand in front of my face!

(part one)

"FOG" Richard Davies _Barbarians_
"Fog" Peppermint _Keep Your Chin Up There, Sailor_
"Fog" Kristin Hersh _Sky Motel_

"Foggy Mountain Breakdown" Flatt & Scruggs _1964-1969_
"Foggy River" Bill Monroe _Bluegrass (1959-1969)_
"Foggy Mountain Top" Hasil Adkins _The Wild Man_
"Footsteps In The Fog" Ceramic Hello _The Absence Of A Canary_

"Foggy Foggy Dew" Paddy Roberts _Songs For Gay Dogs_
"Bad Fog Of Loneliness" Neil Young _Archives, Vol. 1: 1963-1972_
"Shadows On A Foggy Day" Flying Machine _Flight Recorder_
"Fogbound" The Smoke _The Smoke_
"Foggy Bottom" Halo Benders _The Rebels Not In_

"Foggy Notion" Velvet Underground _Peel Slowly & See_

(part two)

"Fog Song" Antarctica Takes It! _The Penguin League_
"The Fog Of Trujillo" The Lucksmiths _Warmer Corners_
"Foggin' Up The Window" Robin Luke & Roberta Shore _Robin Luke: The Complete DOT Records Singles_

"Foggy Eyes" Beat Happening _Music To Climb The Apple Tree By_
"Foggy" BMX Bandits _Bee Stings_
"The Morning Fog" Kate Bush _Hounds Of Love_
"Feel Like Snakes Twisting Through The Fog" Liliput _Kleenex/Liliput_

"Fog Bound Pinhead" Thee Headcoats _The Kids Are All Square - This Is Hip!_
"Fog Over Frisco" Yo La Tengo _That Is Yo La Tengo_
"The Fog Rose High" Craft Spells _Idle Labor_
"A Foggy Day" Lyn Collins _Check Me Out If You Don't Know Me By Now_

"Foggy Tuesday" Saker _We Can Fly, Vol. 5_
"Kisses & Fog" Pines _All Is Fair In Love & Chickfactor: CF Mixtape 1_

Whither Fog?

(Lots of fog pictures like this one here.)

Before I moved to this part of the world, an acquaintance regaled me with stories about the epic fog that happened in the Appalachian Mountains, telling me that there were times that highway 64 was closed down because of so much fog.  It reminded me of a time when I was returning from Houston - this had to be in the 1990s - back to Austin, driving down highway 290, which was at the time basically a one-lane road, & which that night was covered in fog.  There was no light save the light from my control panel in the car, & the light from the headlights was basically stopped by a wall of white just a few feet away.  I couldn't see houses or businesses I was passing, I couldn't see streetlights.  I concentrated on the yellow lines, & I drove slowly - a car could easily come out of the fog right in front of me - or worse, someone could be driving faster than I was behind me, & ram me.  Texas drivers, like every other kind of American driver, are assholes.

Something was happening in my head, & I had turned off whatever I was listening to - or, since it was a cassette, I think it came to that point on the cassette where there was silence leading to end of the side - & suddenly it was just me, the car, the headlights, & the fog.  & I reached over & turned off the headlights.

To this day I have no idea what the fuck I was doing.  I was suddenly driving a car at around 45 miles per hour on a highway in the middle of Texas in a thick, thick fog, with no lights on.  I don't know how long I did this - probably just seconds - but I felt a pain behind my eyes & said, "Shit!"  I turned the lights back on, & changed the cassette - very carefully.

There's no explanation for what happened.  Certainly I had no death wish at the time, nor was I ever prone to daredevil thrills.  Later on I wondered if there were some kind of "fog sickness" that's just as insidious as seeing a mirage in the middle of a desert.  Or if I were just a dumbass.

Speaking of me being a dumbass, Self Help Radio is on from 4-6 today on 88.1 fm, wrfl dot fm online.  I'll have a dry ice machine in the studio!

No, no, I won't.

Preface To Fog: Cloudy Days

(This image found here.)

Actually, I'm a little freaked out by fog.  I've never even seen the movie The Fog.  I think it might really freak me out.

You probably already know this but there is a Facebook page for the show, & sometimes I link to these dumb blog posts, & yesterday's Facebook post was read by & reacted to by a lot of folks.  I'm sorry the announcement wasn't more interesting.  I'll try to really have something important to announce the next time I make a big deal about announcing something.

But here's an embarrassing story: This morning I was very, very tired, but I had to take the dogs on the daily walk.  I try to walk them every morning around eight, & usually there's no one around, but today I ran into a couple & their little girl in a park with their dog, whom I had met before, & I asked about her name.  The little girl told me, & I repeated it, & I said, "Yeah, she's really fucking cute."

The parents didn't respond but I immediately felt mortified, & my dogs were barking to play with the other dog so I skulked away without apologizing.  There isn't any excuse, it was an awful thing to do, & I have been angry at myself all day for it.  I'm not going to be neighborly anymore, & certainly not with only a couple hours sleep in me.

How I wished it had been foggy this morning!

Another Damn Announcement

(Clip art found here.)

You may recall that last year I made a couple or three "announcements" on this blog.  The first announcement was in anticipation of leaving Lexington, which was a plan that fell through, as announced a little over a month later.  God, that was humiliating.

Later on, I announced that I would be doing another radio show.  That show, called Cradle To Grave, has run for twenty-four episodes, with its twenty-fifth airing this Friday.  This announcement has nothing to do with the first announcement; instead, this "announcement" has to do with the latest announcement, as kind of a booked.  That announcement goes like this:

The twenty-fifth episode of Cradle To Grave will be the last one I do, at least for now.  If you haven't heard the show, well, you're not missing anything; but if you have, you may wonder how much work goes into it.  It turns out, a lot.  It's partially my fault.  For example, a show on KOOP radio in Austin called Graveside Service, which was an inspiration for Cradle To Grave, wisely devotes its time to musicians who have died during the week of the show, not just the day of the show.  I doubled-down, in my usual unthinking way, by focusing on both death anniversaries & birthdays.  I do a lot of research, & for artists who are not band leaders or big names, I have to spend time to discover if, for example, a notable jazz bassist has played on any records I have.  It is rather time-consuming.

& honestly I can't say I have better things to do, but I do have other projects (at least one of which I get paid for) that are taking up more & more of my time.  & I don't want to sacrifice the time it takes to do Self Help Radio, which is my baby, & a show I have the most fun doing.

Therefore.  Sigh.  To reiterate: this week's episode of Cradle To Grave will be the last one I do.  At least for now.  If in the future I find myself with the free time, I'll come to WLXU, hat in hand, on my knees, begging it please, might I have another go.  But for the present, I would like to walk away from the show doing it the way I designed it, the way I wanted to do it, & not be forced to change it just because I don't have the time for it.

As always, I hope you understand.

Cradle To Grave, Episode Twenty-Four

Here's the twenty-fourth episode of Cradle To Grave!  Lots of birthdays & death anniversaries!  I am both celebratory & sad over the course of two hours!  There's not much else to say about this show!

Plus, it's weird to talk about things that happened on yesterday in history so it seems to me I am mainly archiving these shows for posterity, but perhaps June 10th means a great deal to you because it's your birthday or it's the day you died & you'd like to know what musicians were born & died on your birthday/death day.  If so, this show is for you.  & probably only for you.  Ah well.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website, which is password protected but that information is on the page so it shouldn't be a problem.  The shows I played are below but in many cases you'll have to listen to find out just who is being celebrated/commemorated!

(birthdays)

"Barataria" Halfway House Orchestra _A Portrait Of New Orleans Jazz_
"Careless Love" Bunk Johnson's Street Paraders _The Good Time Jazz Story: New Orleans_
"I Mean You" Coleman Hawkins _1946-1947_
"Sentimental Summer" Buck Clayton's Big Eight _Buck Clayton 1945–1947_
"I Thought I'd Do It" Hattie McDaniel _The Ladies In Blues_

"The Man That Got Away" Judy Garland _The Great Ones_
"Samba De Monha Terra" João Gilberto _Getz/Gilberto # 2_
"Smokestack Lightnin'" Howlin' Wolf _The Chess Box_
"Beautiful, Beautiful Love" Schoolboy Cleve _Tuff Enuff: The Ace Blues Masters, Vol. 3_

"One Too Many Mornings" Bob Dylan & The Hawks _Live 1966 (The "Royal Albert Hall" Concert)_
"Angel Fingers" Wizzard _Let's Have A Party_
"Cannonball" Breeders _Last Splash_
"How About Hero" Kelley Deal 6000 _Go To The Sugar Altar_
"Hypocrite" Lush _Split_

(death anniversaries)_

"One By One" Jimmy Elledge _One By One_
"Three Miles South Of Cash (In Arkansas)" Carolina Cotton _Yodeling Blonde Bombshell Vol. 1_
"Giddy Up A Ding Dong" Freddie Bell & The Bellboys _The Cruisin' Story: 1956_
"Rockin' Rollin' Stone" Andy Starr _Classic Rockabilly: Hot Rock_
"One Summer Night" The Danleers _The Doo Wop Box_

"I've Got News For You" Ray Charles _Genius + Soul = Jazz_
"Fever" Earl Grant _The Versatile Earl Grant_
"I Wouldn't Give A Cripple Crab A Crutch" Gene Conners _Coming Home_
"Will You Love Me Tomorrow" The Shirelles _The Best Of The Girl Groups, Vol. 1_
"Rocking Chair" Ruddy Thomas _Rocking Chair 7"_

"Nobody's Sweetheart" Jacques Gauthe _Paris Blues_
"Moon River" Guy Lombardo & His Royal Canadians _By Special Request!_
"Sunshine Day" Osibisa _Welcome Home_

"Love Can't Turn Around" Farley Jackmaster Funk & D. Pandy _The History Of The House Sound Of Chicago_

Self Help Radio 060716: All Yours

(Original image here.)

No, I can't say I understand the show this week.  Yes, maybe I think it failed to accomplish what it set out to do.  No, I don't believe that I know what it actually did set out to do.  Yes, I should spend more time thinking about the show's theme & less time just pulling ideas out of my ass.  No, nobody is actually asking me these questions.  Yes, I'll stop pretending someone is.

If you must listen to this show, listen for the interviews: a listener named CJ calls in; a writer named David Fruchter is interviewed; & my spiritual mentor the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently phones to warn me that I might have brought some evil back from Scotland.  You can do like my wife does & tune all the times I talk out.

The show is all yours at the Self Help Radio website.  The songs I play are below.  I'll try better next time.

(part one)

"Yours" Julie London _Sings Latin In A Satin Mood_
"Yours" Mickey & Sylvia _Love Is Strange_
"Yours All Yours (vocals Sally Gooding)" The Three Peppers _1937-1940_

"Yours Truly" Pee Wee Crayton _Pee Wee's Blues: The Complete Aladdin & Imperial Recordings_
"Yours Sincerely" Rosemary Clooney _Love_
"Forever Yours" Bobby Vinton _Mr. Lonely_
"Lovingly Yours" Mockingbirds _The Mod Scene_
"Truly Yours" The Spinners _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 6: 1966_

"Yours Love" Porter Wagoner & Dolly Parton _Always, Always_
"Exclusively Yours" Rupie Edwards _Hot & Sticky: 26 Killing Rocksteady Shots_
"Yours Eternally" Don 'Sugarcane' Harris _Sugarcane_
"Instantly Yours" Bill Nelson _The Two-Fold Aspect Of Everything_

"Emotionally Yours" Bob Dylan _Empire Burlesque_
"Yours Truly" Mighty Mighty _Sharks_

(part two)

"Chemically Yours" Pilgrims _Something's Burning In Paradise_
"Sincerely Yours" Brideshead _In & Out Love_
"Compulsively Yours" The Mendoza Line _I Like You When You're Not Around_

"Take Me, I'm Yours" Squeeze _Squeeze_
"Obsessively Yours" Adorable _Sistine Chapel Ceiling_
"Incomprehensibly Yours" David Candy _Play Power_
"Accidentally Yours" Irene _Apple Bay_

"Yours Untruly" Gramercy Arms _The Seasons Of Love_
"Yours Tonight" Burnt Palms _The Girl You Knew_
"Yours Alone" Dum Dum Girls _I Will Be_
"Severely Yours" Wax Idols _American Tragic_

"Baby I'm Yours" Math & Physics Club _Baby I'm Yours_
"I'm Not Yours" Angus & Julia Stone _Down The Way_

Whither All Yours?

(I don't know what it means either, but I found it here.)

Yeah, really!  What the hell does that theme mean, "All Yours"?

To understand this theme, we need to travel back in time, 123 years in fact, to June 7, 1893.  We're also traveling over to South Africa, where a very young, very moustached Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi performed his first act of civil disobedience, causing a stir by refusing to move from segregated first class.  He was thrown off the train.

But young Gandhi was allowed to ride first class the next day, which did not stop him from becoming a pain in the butt of the British Empire, then in its height (the Empire, not its butt).  For you see, the British looked at the world & said, "It's all ours!"  & Gandhi said, "It's not all yours!"

Now, a century & twenty-some-odd years later, people from the former British Empire play Americans on television & in the movies, while many Americans see an orange-haired toad as their savior.  Stay with me, I'll make sense in a second.  I had written something down about jazz & about salt.  The salt march, I think, figured into this, or maybe it has something to do with high blood pressure.

Well, anyway, something-something & that's how Self Help Radio became all yours!  It's really a glorious story, & when I find my notes, I'll update this post.  Oh no!  The cat's eaten them.  Sigh.

Since the show is all yours, you might as well listen.  It's on from 4-6pm on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & wrfl dot fm.  Since it is all yours, you may want to come early - there might not be a lot left at the end of the show.

Preface To All Yours: Everything I Own Is Digital

"What is 'cloud'?" asked the master.  "Have they tricked us into thinking what we own is in the air?"

The pupils looked amazed, & paid heed.

"Cloud," said the master, "is just a way for those who have to own the things they sell to those who have not."

The pupils puzzled over their master's provocative pronouncement.

"You!" said the master, pointing to a pupil, "you have bought a thing which you cannot hold in your hand!"

"It is true, master," said the pupil.  "Yet I hold its container in my hand."

He proudly displayed his cellular phone.

"Bah!" said the master.  "You do not even own that!"

The pupil looked ashamed, for it was true that he leased his phone.

"Indeed," said the master, "you should heed the words of the prophet Watterson: 'There is no cloud.  It's just someone else's computer.'"

The pupils were astonished, for the master had quoted a meme.  One pupil giggled.

"Oh stop being so juvenile," said the master.  "Like our ancestors in their dusty tomes would know a thing about computers!"

The pupils hung their heads in deference.

"All right, all right," said the master, testily.  "Go meditate or something.  Just leave me be!"

But Now I Have To Eat Twice As Much Since You're Not Here!

Says the cook to the Skype image.  The Skype image is frozen., the connection is bad  Something is cooling on the stove, & it worries him.  It's dinner for two, & there is only one person here.

The cook contemplates eating out.  He lives in a small town, but every driver seems impatient to get to the somewhere near they're going as fast as they can to get to.  He barely misses a collision on the way to get take-out.  One car, trying to change lanes to pass another car, does not check its blind-spot, & does not stop changing lanes when the cook leans on the horn like he is flattening dough.  The cook, shaken & in utter disbelief, decides to get take-out anyway.

He is the only person in the town who uses the turn single.  He is very aware of this.  He uses the turn single when he is leaving his driveway.

Household duties, once divided between two people, seem incredibly onerous now.  But as he doubles up on chores & obligations, he finds his mind is a blank when it comes to halving recipes.  Just use half the ingredients! he says to himself in the empty kitchen.  He realizes he hasn't needed to run the dishwasher for two days.

The house seems quieter somehow.  It must be, with only one person stumbling through it.  He turns the ceiling fans on in shifts, to make the air circulate in different ways throughout the day.  Thinking music might help, he plays a record he loves, & he plays it loud, but the silence between the tracks is louder, like a chasm.

Yet he has no trouble getting to sleep.  Yet he has no trouble waking up.

Cradle To Grave, Episode Twenty-Three

Back! After a month away!  I was completely unmissed!

Also I apparently beat the technical difficulties I dealt with a month ago.  I did this by doing the show on a laptop, something that I never thought I'd do.  I think it went okay - & it was surprisingly easy.  But - should radio be easy?  Maybe not.

Some great births & deaths to celebrate & commemorate today!  Available now at the Self Help Radio website!  The songs I played are below!

(birthdays)

"Bumble Bee" Memphis Minnie _Queen Of The Country Blues: All The Published Sides, 1929-37_

"J'ai Deux Amours" Josephine Baker _Exotique_

"My Heart's Delight" Dakota Staton _I Hate Cherries (Serious 50s Female Jivers)_

"Hold On This Time" Fontella Bass _I Need To Be Loved_

"Love Ain't No Toy" Yvonne Fair _The Bitch Is Black_

"Howl (Radio Edit)" Allen Ginsberg _Howls, Raps, & Roars_

"Walking By Myself" Jimmy Rogers _Blues Greats_

"Wild & Free" Curtis Mayfield _Curtis_

"Tijuana Taxi" Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass _Going Places_

"Yakety Sax" Boots Randolph _Yakety Sax_

"What A Way To Die" The Pleasure Seekers _What A Way To Die_

"Country Honey" T.Rex _Tanx_

"Little Doll (Original John Cale Mix)" The Stooges _The Stooges_

"One Of The Boys (UK Single Version)" Mott The Hoople _All The Young Dudes_

"Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?" Lloyd Cole & The Commotions _Rattlesnakes_

"Fantastic Cat" Takako Minekawa _Losing Money & Losing Friends_

(death anniversaries)

"It's Gonna Be You (vocals Ozzie Nelson & Harriet Hilliard)" Ozzie Nelson & His Orchestra _The Uncollected Ozzie Nelson & His Orchestra_

"Strange Enchantment" Skinnay Ennis & His Orchestra _Swingin' Uptown: Big Band 1923-1952_

"The Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" Sam Butera & The Witnesses _Ultra-Lounge Vol. 4: Bachelor Pad Royale_

"Slow Down & Cool It" Piano C. Red _Slow Down & Cool It_

"Birth Of The Boogie" Bill Haley & His Comets _From Western Swing To R-O-C-K_

"Zorba The Greek" Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass _!!Going Places!!_

"The Rockford Files" Mike Post _Television's Greatest Hits 70s & 80s_

"Around" David Carradine _Grasshopper_

"Lonely Boy" Andrew Gold _Super Hits Of The '70s: Have A Nice Day, Vol. 19_

"Whatever I Am, You Made Me" Koko Taylor _Koko Taylor_

"Lipstick Traces (On A Cigarette)" Benny Spellman _Crescent City Soul: The Sound Of New Orleans 1947-1974_

"The Whole World Is A Stage" The Fantastic Four _Beg Scream & Shout: The Big Ol' Box Of '60s Soul_

"Jesus, Puerto-Rican Boxing Champion" Elodie Lauten _ Orchestre Modern_

"Sonic Reducer" Dead Boys _Young Loud & Snotty_

Self Help Radio 053116: Scottish Pop (Again)

(All album/single covers taken from discogs.com.)

All right! We get it! You went to Scotland! Enough already! Jeez! No one makes this big a deal about their vacation! Cripes! Sheesh! For fuck's sake!

Whatever.  These are great tunes from a great time in music from a great land.  Sue me if I get to process vacations on the radio & you don't.

Listen to show: here.
Username/password (important): SHR/selfhelp
Songs I played (in each part):

(part one)

"Chance Meeting" Josef K _Chance Meeting_
"Gone Wrong" Avo 8 _Gone Wrong_
"Simply Thrilled Honey" Orange Juice _Simply Thrilled Honey_

"Mattress Of Wire" Aztec Camera _Mattress Of Wire_
"Candyskin" Fire Engines _Candyskin_
"Forevermore" The Bluebells _Forevermore_
"Feathers-Oar-Blades" Cocteau Twins _Lullabies_
"Honey At The Core" Friends Again _Trapped & Unwrapped_

"Stop The Rain" Suede Crocodiles _Stop The Rain_
"Fifty Years Of Fun" Biff Bang Pow! _Fifty Years Of Fun_
"Where The Traffic Goes" The Jasmine Minks _Where The Traffic Goes_
"Dreaming" The Wee Cherubs _Dreaming_
"Upside Down" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Barbed Wire Kisses_

"King Mob" Rote Kapelle _Big Smell Dinosaur EP_
"Don't Slip Up" Meat Whiplash _Don't Slip Up_

(part two)

"You Supply The Roses" Memphis _You Supply The Roses_
"All Fall Down" Primal Scream _All Fall Down_
"Paper Wraps Rock" Momus _Circus Maximus_

"I Don't Wanna Be Friends With You" The Shop Assistants _Will Anything Happen_
"Hang-Ten!" The Soup Dragons _Hang-Ten!_
"Going To Heaven To See If It Rains" The Close Lobsters _Forever, Until Victory! The Singles Collection_
"E102" BMX Bandits _E102_
"Sign On The Line..." Fizzbombs _Sign On The Line..._

"Splashing Along" Jesse Garon & The Desperadoes _Cabinet Of Curiosities_
"Heard About Love" Big Gun _Heard About Love_
"Get Out My Dream" Clouds _Get Out My Dream_
"Forever (Swansong)" The Incredible Blondes _Where Do I Stand?_

"Not Unloved" The Pastels _Comin' Through_
"A Secret Goldfish" Baby Lemonade _A Secret Goldfish_
"Driving Skills" This Poison _Magazine_
"Jack & Julian" The Bachelor Pad _The Albums Of Jack_

Whither Scottish Pop (Again)?

(This is from Wikipedia.)

To make something very clear: I actually didn't visit any record stores when I was in Scotland.  Did I mention it?  I was in Scotland for a week!  Anyway, none of the music I will play today is from magical "finds" made in dark Edinburgh basements.  This is all music I have loved for a very long time, put under a theme ("Scottish pop") & played hopefully in an enjoyable way.

& as I explained yesterday, I have sort of done this before.  What I wanted to do on this show, was play the non-Scottish song, "Scottish Pop," by Spearmint, which you can listen to here, in which the singer namechecks several Scottish musicians/bands:

The Secret Goldfish, Edwyn C,

Nectarine No. 9, Bobby G...

Stephen Pastel, Raymond McGinley

Adventures In Stereo, Emma P,

Stuart Murdoch, Duglas T

These are truly giants of Scottish music.  In case you don't know, Edwyn C is Edwyn Collins of Orange Juice, Bobby G is Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream, Stephen Pastel is the patriarch of the Pastels, Raymond McGinley is from Teenage Fanclub, Emma P is Emma Pollock of the Delgados, Stuart Murdoch is from Belle & Sebastian, & Duglas T is Duglas T. Stewart of BMX Bandits.  Most of these artists date from around the time of the Spearmint song, but as I started gathering music, I was finding that there was so much Scottish pop in the 1980s, that I abandoned my idea to base it around the Spearmint song.  Instead, my focus was going to be music much earlier.

No Scottish pop post 1980s?  That means no Secret Goldfish, Nectarine No. 9, Teenage Fanclub, Adventures In Stereo, Delgados, or Belle & Sebastian!  Oh no!  Yeah, so maybe my obsessive-compulsive self will feel like continuing the series into the 1990s.

As it stands, actually, I might not even get to bands from 1987!  You can find out how it goes by listening to Self Help Radio today from 4-6pm on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington, wrfl dot fm online.  It won't be much more than me & music, so don't expect any bells & whistles or even fake Scottish accents.  Just lots & lots of Scottish pop!

Preface To Scottish Pop (Again): What, Again?

Yes, again.

Technically - if you wanna get technical - I've never done an episode of Self Help Radio with the theme "Scottish Pop."  Oh sure, if you go to Self Help Radio's "Table Of Contents" page - it's actually more like an index, but whatever - it shows that I did a show with the theme "Scottish Pop" on the first day of the year, 2005.  That was over a decade ago, at a radio station a thousand miles away.  But!  If you look carefully, it says "Ear Candy Sub Show."

"Ear Candy" was an awesome show on KOOP that ran for more than ten years I think & was hosted most of the time by one or two women named Jennifer.  (I actually had both Jennifers precede me for a time in the slot before my old 9-11pm KVRX show in the 1990s.)  The KOOP website may still have a page for the show.  It does.  It's not much help.

Anyway, since it was New Year's Day, & since even back then it was widely known that I don't have a life, I was often asked to do radio shows on that & other holidays.  & that day, inspired by the Spearmint song "Scottish Pop", I did an entire show of, well, you know.

So, why revisit the theme again?  There are two reasons: one, I just got back from a trip to Scotland; & two, I needed a theme close to my heart that I could complete in just a couple of days.  & guess what?  Here it is!

But I suppose I'll talk more about it tomorrow.

Things To Do During A Week Without Self Help Radio

Silly!  There'll be a Self Help Radio this week!  It'll just be hosted by Matt!  & it'll be about swimming!

It's a safe bet it'll be better than a Self Help Radio hosted by Gary, so tune in!