23 Shows To Go!

Eep! The days of Self Help Radio at KOOP are dwindling! It's gotten cold outside - could it be the universe is missing me already? Or is it just "winter"? What do YOU believe?

Today at 4:30 pm (in less than an hour), Self Help Radio explores the family on our second annual Dysfunctional Family Holiday show. Don't listen to it with your family. Please.

Live in Austin on 91.7fm, live streamed everywhere at koop.org. I'll archive it soon enough. Listen to the damn thing first!

Turkey, Vine & Iron

"Egad," said Agent Trinidad, "they've closed the country!"
"Must be a national holiday," murmured Agent Spellcheck. "Let's go around back."

No one talked about the future anymore. Or if they did, they rarely did it when anyone was present.

"Try picking the lock," said Agent Trinidad.
"Can you fake a retinal scan?" shot back Agent Spellcheck.

That must be why it got so cold so fast. Or so old so fast. Like life was an aching muscle. Or a tour of duty. With overpriced convenience store coffee.

"We're fucked six ways to Sunday," said Agent Trinidad.
"Maybe not," said Agent Spellcheck. "I have a plan."

Do you remember when people wondered which would run out first, water or oil? No one said a thing about poultry. Or even bees. In case you thought they were being polite.

"A tunnel!" gasped Agent Trinidad. "How did you know that was there?"
"Easy," said Agent Spellcheck. "I built it once. For someone named Traitor."

It's not hard to hold gluey, gummy flesh, & it's not hard to learn to wait & see in the darkness. What would be nice at your earliest convenience would be something to breathe, & maybe a revival of art for art's sake.

"Don't they ever clean this fucking place up?" asked Agent Trinidad.
"Just don't get any on you," said Agent Spellcheck.

Whither Dysfunctional Family Holidays?

Let's set aside precious moments to speak directly to the concept of family as an idea if not an ideal to be thought about. Nearly all of us come from some kind of mother or father, even if they're not there at the time of our births. But whether we're an adopted or whether we're unwanted, it's most certainly true that at the end of the day, the family that we have is different than what some call "friends" or the family that we may as well choose. Didn't you have a sense from day one that you wanted to be a part of them too or rather they'd make you be a part of themselves? I mean, with some kind of function or holiday-like gathering? Surely.

But as we wrestle with the grapple of family, mostly your thoughts can sometimes turn to unhappiness or even ardor. Why wasn't I ever born! can be heard in the teenage households of these or any other times. Because often there are difficulties inherent within the generational gap between the older & the youngest. But over time some think those can be resolved with conversation & even violence. This is what makes us humanly possible.

So too the subject is apt for a radio show wherein subjects are often discussed. As I come from a family of people, I often have noticed that I have brothers & sisters. My mother, too, has been known to express herself as if she were maternally involved with me, that is to say, matronly. Perhaps you have noticed foul-ups or errors within the unity of the home, where tempers fray & the dawn never comes. In the naturalness of the scheme of things, this is to be expected even if you never saw it coming.

I therefore admonish you in strenuous overtones to understand that Self Help Radio, while making light of obvious familial circumstances, really means to be saracastical & whimsical with what could truly be painful & humiliating. It is the voice of experiential data you'll be hearing, if you must tune in, or else musical variations on the thematic nature, to wit, the mockery of family, which makes a mockery of us all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Preface To Dysfunctional Family Holiday 2007: Not Going Home For The Holidays!

When I first decided to do a show about fucked-up families & play it during the Thanksgiving holidays, I didn't think I'd want to repeat it. But I've decided to make it a yearly thing. There are just so many songs that fit in that category.

In case you didn't know, I do several "yearly" shows:
- I do a show every year on my birthday focusing on my favorite records from a year after my birth. I started in 1968 (both literally & as a year to explore on my show) & next year's will focus on 1972.
- I do a Valentine's Day show every year. Next year's will be about jealousy.
- I do a show featuring bands I like coming into town for South By Southwest. Next year's will be my last, most probably, since I'll be leaving town. Wherever I end up, I hope they have some kind of music festival. Or at least one that doesn't suck as much as Austin's does.
- I do a Halloween show. Like I just did. I also do two "favorites" shows at the end of the year, one for electronica, the other for the rest of the stuff I like. I do a Christmas show, that has won awards(*).

I'm adding two this year for the hell of it. One is the aforementioned Dysfunctional Family show. The other is a show for my beloved girlie's birthday. I did one last year & was amazed - freaked out - astonished by the number of birthday songs. So why not do it every year? It's not like it's just for her. Everybody has a birthday every year. Even Jesus!

Something else I hope to do regularly is continue making the private mixes I am calling "Self Help Radio Extra." It's a CD-length mix of tunes I like which I am putting together as a single mp3 for you to listen to while your phoning your cat, or lassoing your lifestyle, or just your average disco homework. & guess what! Just in time for the month of November, November's mix is ready for you! You can find it on the Self Help Radio Extra web page. Oh boy for you!

I'm going to go have a little sleepy now.

(*) In my head.

You May Remember Him As The Star Of That Show

Do you have a creepy obsession with alphatizing? Boy I do. I am resisting making sure that all the titles of all the posts of all this blog have covered all the letters of the alphabet. I am resisting but it's so hard.

It's almost as weird as my obsession with phrases in English used commonly or oddly. See last week's show as an example. Or even better, listen to last week's show over at selfhelpradio.net. The ghost of ol' Joe Pulitzer himself stopped by to haunt me. & he might have gotten away with it, too, if hadn't been for those meddling kids - & Scooby Doo!

& some words visit my head regularly without rhyme or reason (well, sometimes they rhyme). The word that keeps popping into my head today is "dainty." I don't know why. I almost titled this post "dainty." But then I thought I'd have to make you some tea, & the good china is somewhere near the bad eggs & it would requiring using my step-brother's step-ladder, which I now recall he left in the steppes of Ukraine. I guess I stepped in it that time!

Anyway, I'm not dainty, & neither are you. Do you know what's dainty? A kitten sampling a cup of tea. That's fucking dainty!

24 Shows To Go!

Is this the time in every radio show's life when everyone gets sentimental & starts to remember things kindly? Oh boy! I was such an asshole & a fuckup, I really need this!

I remember when I was 24 - it was a nice enough age for me, although I was completely messed up most of the time, not from drugs (I was still more or less "straight-edge" then) but from a broken relationship that had consumed the previous three years of my life. & that relationship's name was George W Bush.

Everything but the last part is true. But you'll forgive me, right? I only have 24 MORE SHOWS ON KOOP TO GO!

People were nice when I announced it last week, but I hope everyone understands I'm just leaving the airwaves, not the universe of making radio shows. Do you need a radio to make a radio show? I think not! Or, we'll see. It's easy to turn the radio on. It's harder to compete when you can watch entire episodes of the Daily Show online. & I'm linking to them! What an asshole & a fuckup!

Someone asked me if I am doing special things so I don't "waste" my shows - but that implies there's a finite amount. Not so! I have millions of radio shows in me. & they'll come out, like all my teeth & the majority of my colon, before I die. Just not necessarily on KOOP.

Therefore I'll be doing what come naturally - the same thing you've come to know & dread. Or, failing that, more shows about zombies & pie.

I'll see YOU at four-thirty, you sweet-smelling thing you.

Jump, Clarinet!

In all of the excitement over the great Nostril Hair Debacle this week (will Mitt Romney ever recover?), I have been unable to communicate with you about other, non-Self Help Radio-related radio experiences I had this weekend.

The one involving me & the transistor radio & the tub of bean dip cannot, unfortunately, be discussed in public. But I do think you can still see, in the St. David's Hospital emergency room, the chalk outlines left by the cops, & the sheer terror in the eyes of the EMTs & that nice fellow who sells the American flags. My lawyer says I apologize for all that.

But on Saturday morning, as hungover as could be, I subbed the show called "Big Band & Classic Jazz." I focused on the clarinet in the 1920s. I had fun. You can hear the show in its entirety over at selfhelpradio.net. Not once did I shriek that shriek which, I know, causes wolves to commit suicide. I save that for Fridays.

The next day, last Sunday, I showed up to sub Mojo Time & did a special Veteran's Day show about the post World War II blues phenomenon called "Jump Blues." It's also now available to be listened to over at selfhelpradio.net. I am not responsible for injuries sustained by you if, during the show, you choose to try to dance like you imagine people used to dance to jump blues. My girlfriend found that out the hard way.

Please enjoy lots of Gary on the radio. I must go now to spread rumors about my dentist. How he hates me! Well, now I'll give him a reason that has nothing to do with high fructose corn syrup!

Whither I/You/He/She/It/We/They Come(s)?

Eek! My theme this week is goofy!

Luckily it's easy to explain: I am playing songs that feature one or some of these phrases:

Here I come. Here you come. Here he comes. Here she comes. Here it comes. Here we come. Here they come.

That's all. There are lots of songs with that phrase because it's a common phrase we use in English.

(Although I won't play this song, since I played it during my "hiding" show earlier this week. I hope no one minds.)

Self Help Radio is not shackled nor trapped by the conventions of other radio shows that require their "themes" to be solid things, like the intestines or pellets or clubhouses or cheese. We attempt to expand the very idea of ideas. Everything can be a theme, especially those things that are least thematic. So we can have a phrase as a theme. Why not? It's not like there's a body out there that can tell me what I can & can't play on the radio.

Wait, I've just been informed there is such a body & it's called the FCC. But as long as my themes aren't poo, pee or graphic sex (such as sex involving poo or pee), I'm safe. Which means I won't be doing that show about hot karls any time soon. Rats. & there was this great Pat Boone song I wanted to play!

Self Help Radio is as free as any radio show can be, within the limits of the law. & maybe my own narrow world view. Oh, & within the bounds of music I deem as good. & then in the subset of music that I own. That I can remember I have when thinking about a theme. In time for the show.

As for this week's show - on Friday, here it comes!

Preface To Here I/You/He/She/It/We/They Come: Uh, What The Hell?

That's right, the "theme" of this week's show is unweildily entitled "Here I/You/He/She/It/We/They Come." Perhaps it would be easier if I had written "[adverb] [pronoun] [verb]," but if I had done that, the show could mean "there you are" or "happily she dances." I wanted the show to feature prominently the construction HERE [pronoun] COME(S).

Either way, trying to explain what this week's theme is (never mind why I chose it) makes it seem like either a) I am a prim grammarian who is attempting to educate while condescending to entertain, or b) I am a lunatic who has discovered pronouns but only can understand them in the context of one sentence.

As far as I know, neither is true, although I don't sleep well & could very well be hallucinating this computer in front of me & am instead typing on my new puppy's head. I imagine that's not the case, but I can't be sure. Who sleeps well, anyway? Is that something reserved for children & puppies? I bet the war criminals that run the United States government sleep well, though. They must, knowing that they control pretty much everything. Hmmph!

But I confess I don't really understand the theme myself, or am being coy about it, so trying to explain may be more confusing. Anyway, here goes: I will be playing songs that are called &/or prominently feature the phrasal construction "here I come," "here you come," "here he comes," "here she comes," "here it comes," "here we come," or "here they come." There are, as you might imagine, a few songs that contain that phrase. I'll play the ones that I like that do.

That didn't seem so confusing. Now I shall attempt to explicate Fermat's next-to-the-last theorum. (The easy one.)

(One excuse/caveat/mea culpa/parenthetical remark: I haven't really found anything that is titled or contains the phrase "here they come," but the Monkees theme song keeps coming to mind, & I'm not going to play that, not even for money.)

It's darker earlier here. It's totally creeping me out.

The Hate Inside

I am not liking myself all that much right now because I am a monstrous fuck-up, but I will just say that I baked a delicious radio show last Friday all about pie, & you can listen to it over at selfhelpradio.net.

Other than that, I have nothing to say. I must go beat myself up some more.

25 Shows To Go!

I announced earlier this week that, because of personal reasons that will probably include my leaving Austin, I will only be on the air on KOOP radio for one more season. (KOOP's seasons run from May to October, November to April.) This does NOT mean the end of Self Help Radio. I plan to continue to make unlistenable podcasts for as long as I have breath in my computer, & hopefully wherever I end up, there'll be some place I can ply my trade. Probably not, but a girl can dream.

So that means that I have only twenty-five more Self Help Radios on KOOP. That's insane! How many Self Help Radios have I done previously? My rough count is 248 - which means I won't get to the big three oh oh - although if you count the other shows I've subbed - including shows that no longer exist like Pot Luck & The Doctor's Office - maybe there would be close to three hundred shows...

Speaking of, this weekend I'll be doing two other shows besides today's Self Help Radio (which, you know, is all about pie!): Big Band & Classic Jazz tomorrow & Mojo Time on Sunday. My version of Big Band & Classic Jazz is going to feature the great clarinetists of early jazz, & Mojo Time will be a Veteran's Day show featuring a prominent post-World War II genre of the blues: jump blues!

So don't be sad. Just make sure you experience me while you still can. For another, you know, six months.

This is going to be the longest break-up ever.

How Long Has It Been Since I've Gotten The Wind Knocked Out Of Me?

I dunno. But what a scary feeling that is!

It's fascinating (to me) that getting the wind knocked out of you is related to hiccups. At the bottom of the page, there's a list of people who had the hiccups long-term. One dude, Charles Orborne, apparently hiccuped for 68 years. I have nightmares about that shit.

I wonder if people called him "Hiccuping Chuck."

Also, did they change the spelling to "hiccough" (even though it's always pronounced hick-up) because it somehow seems more classy? How come the Word Detective doesn't have this answer for me?

Ah, but having an emotional wind-knocked-out-of-me moment - that still happens. Ooooofff!

Whither Pie?

Who wants pie?

Pie, as many have gradually surmised, is usually only typical in the vernacular when common knowledge (or "understanding") has failed or will fail the explication. Therefore, instances of pie nominally indicate pertinent or latent failure, while the absence of pie, or the negation of the possibility of pie, should signify or herald certain success in the discussion.

Why then would most people prefer the placement of pie in the general area of the discussion?

As usual, the great philosophers of history, & their closest friends, have chosen to hedge their bets in this atomic dissection of human behavior. The great Flautis of Norma mentioned that, "Section a pie into eight, ten, twelve, a dozen slices, there is never enough pie!" (In Norma, a dozen was considerably more than twelve. He wasn't stupid or anything.)

In Germany during the Renaissance, the Ulmberg scholar Von Fredinhole declared, "The filling fills us!" (The German, "Das Fillingung Ist Uns Gefilledup!" is generally thought to be less interesting than any translation.)

Even American philosophers, usually tending bar after World War II, have evaded the question rather than answer it. "Shut your pie-hole, pie-eye! Have some pie with your pie in the sky!"

Linguists trying to find their way into the great disagreement have also sleepily missed the point: who cares where the word came from? Are those real peaches or canned?

Yet, as the pie industry overtakes the scone industry in most industrial countries, a wonderment of sorts is inevitable: if pies are outlawed, those who chose to ignore a monstrously dumb law shall enjoy the pies. But also all the cursed ignominy of pie karma. For that is the way the universe has thus far chosen to work.

As Pali Wallah Doodl, the great ascetic from several years before the birth of Chrysler, once put it: "Good heavens look at all these pies! Tell me please is there really shoo fly in the shoo fly pie? Or else may I have a slice?"

Preface To Pie: Let's Get All The Naughty Euphemisms Out Of The Way First, Shall We?

Self Help Radio is by no means related to or otherwise in cahoots with the American Pie Council. However, should they send me pies, I will not be rude & refuse to eat them. Just so they know.

Since I am not allowed to be naughty at all on the radio, except to maybe snicker a little, I won't be able to note without blushing &/or getting in trouble with the FCC that "pie" is often used as a euphemism for female genitalia. Commonly, the phrase used is "hair pie." It sounds awful when put that way, but it surely says something about how men feel & have felt about the sex of a woman if they use the word "pie" to describe it. Because pies are awesome.

Other nasty uses of the word "pie"? I am ashamed to admit there are lots. I will simply refer you to the Urban Dictionary so as not to make you blush.

Interestingly, it's also apparently used to describe a kilo of cocaine. Also delicious, but not in a way I could probably now appreciate. Damn my age!

Crosswalks: Another View

There is happy news abrewing - it's KOOP's new season! You can check out new shows & show changes over at KOOP's home page. I'm pretty excited that the show that will precede mine with be Justin's The House Call. It's a fine show, even if Justin is a weirdo.

But there is sad news - this will be my last season on KOOP. Only 25 more on-air Self Help Radios to go! I'll continue the show as a podcast as I leave KOOP & Austin, but it won't be the same as the on-air experience, & you don't like me enough to continue listening if it's just downloading. But I'll make a big deal about it anyway. I am a crybaby. Stay tuned!

Meanwhile, if you missed Friday's show, you can listen to it in its entirety over at my webpage. It was fun. It had classical music & poetry. You will be sad you missed it.

As for crosswalks - who do they think they're kidding anyway?

Gentle Cheese, In The Motherly Fashion

I was going to call this post "You phone-fuck like a faggot," because I was incautiously listening to the Kathy McGinty pranks at work today, but I thought you might get offended. So I won't. I don't even know what it means. I would think, actually, that homosexual men, being generally more sexually experimental than I am (& I am for the purpose of this useless conversation a representative of heterosexual men all throughout the world & time), would probably phone-fuck much better than I could or do (& I don't really phone-fuck) (I never have, actually), & therefore the comment is kind of a compliment. Unless you're offended by the word "faggot." I don't mean to use the word to offend, but in the world today, most people don't really care about intent. Words are scary. They get people angry. Some people would prefer you not even use some of them.

My own opinion is that context is everything. It's like an episode of a cop show where a hero cop is being accused of being corrupt or sexually assaulting someone or something, & the cop's superior says, "Well I've known Officer Blah for twenty years & he's never been accused of this, & so I doubt this accusation has merit." That makes total sense to me. Why jump to conclusions? Why not stand by your friends & colleagues? But most of the time people assume bad things. I think it's because we're insecure & believe even the people we're sure love us hate us. Get someone to accuse you of something awful & make sure they're able to be completely serious, & target someone you think would stand beside you through thick & thin. Nine times out of ten, only a little coaxing will make your closest friends suspect the worst about you.

No, don't do that. It's life-shattering. Instead, keep reading this blog for advice that won't be at all helpful.

I'm sure I meant to talk about something else today. But instead I feel like I've been accused of something awful, & you believe every word of it. That's what I get for dreaming of having a chest tube put in!

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 11?

As the year comes to a close, my yearly promise to do an indiepop a to z every two months can also be seen as coming to a close. Or can it? Am I married to this? I am just at a Cs! What the hell?

I was thinking how much fun it would be to maintain multiple lines of stuff like this - "Country Blues A To Z" or "Electronica A To Z" or "1960s European Garage Rock A To Z." I wouldn't get any sleep at all.

But I can do it twice more this year, & maybe into the next year. I think I'm planning on it. I quite enjoy it.

Oh, & I know this Friday will be the FIRST week of November & not the LAST week of October, but I have always done a Halloween show, so I bumped the IPA2Z for a week. Didn't you love the zombie show? Then shut the hell up.

There is some BIG or possibly SAD or maybe just HUH! news about Self Help Radio coming up, but I'll wait until next week to tell it. I am simply padding my blog because I feel like I must write about two hundred words a day or else I won't be allowed to be considered a "writer" by my pretentious friends. I think I'm there, so now I need to go draw a couple of pages of a little pig walking to be considered an "animator" by my dorky friends. It's too bad there's nothing other than smoking I can do to be considered a "smoker" by my cool friends. Rats!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 11 - I Am Dumb

Oh, rats, I meant to write earlier & tell everyone that I was going to be on KVRX tonight, on the wonderful King Philip XII & Kimriffic Hour, & I was, but telling you now - since I didn't record it & KVRX doesn't archive it - is stupid. I am dumb.

Much thanks to Kim & to Philip for having this old KVRXer back in their building on their air waves. It has literally been over eight years since I had a show there & over seven since I set foot in any station called "KVRX." One of the first things I did when I walked in was find a CD I reviewed in 1994. It was a Julian Cope CD.

We talked about witches, & KOOP, & KVRX, & drug laws, & Casper the Friendly Ghost, & whether King Philip XII should have a court jester &... Well, I'm sorry you missed it. It's all my fault.

Rats. But I had such a great time, so yay! But I forgot to include you. Rats.

But yay!

When I Was Newer Waved

In the cold harbor town of Zelaot, two types of thugs rule the roost: 1) The mean kind. & 2) The asshole kind. The mean kind can be assholes, but the asshole kind are rarely mean.

It made it both hard & easy for Sheriff Dylan Lennon to show up & make the cold harbor town a warm place for the good citizens. You know, the ones who didn't lie, steal, cheat, murder, fart, cry, whoop it up, skiv, bear false witness, bear true witness, cannibalize, overcook, felch, frot or fail.

How did he do it? How did he destroy the obligatory Martian Cartel & save the small hamlet from roof rot? Easy! He used last Friday's episode of Self Help Radio!

Self Help Radio (tm) kills 99% of all household jerks DEAD. Or it could if it were made by Roctor & Bamble. Instead, it simply sounds a hell of a lot like the show as it aired the previous Friday.

Skeptical? You should be! The once-prosperous town of Zelaot sure was, & they fell into the sea!

Visit selfhelpradio.net to find out how you can make a radio show work for you.

No responsible for lost items or rare blood diseases. Consult your analyst before using Self Help Radio. For copyright reasons, this program is not available on the moon.

Day Of The Zombiez

This blog has two great pieces of news today.

The first piece of news is about today's Self Help Radio, which will air from 4:30 to 6:00pm CST on 91.7 fm KOOP Austin, also on the web live at koop.org. (I'll archive it this weekend so you can listen, if you want, over the Halloween week.)

1) The show is about zombies. I have more songs about the living dead today than you have brains for zombies to eat. Word.

2) I have very special guests today. They are none other than the illustrious Kim & Philip from the King Philip XII & Kim-rific Hour on KVRX Tuesdays. I am a fan of their show, & they've promised to bring lots of information about zombies up to the show today & make me feel kinda dumb.

The second piece of news is something someone asked me to do a while ago & I finally got around to doing it, & I hope to do it fairly regularly (monthly to start), which is this: make a mix that is not as radio-oriented as Self Help Radio - a CD-length series of songs that sound good & taste swell on your ear buds.

Introducing: Self Help Radio EXTRA!.

It's a mix of music I've been digging lately, a lot of it new, all of it awesome. It's saved as a single mp3 so you can just listen to it as a mix - without any of the airbreaks, radio spots, or other interruptions that makes radio the truly fucking annoying medium it is. Wait. I shouldn't say such things!

Please have a taste of Self Help Radio EXTRA!, & look at the lengths I'll go to get some friends off my back.

& please listen to Self Help Radio today! It'll scare the week out of you, just in time for the Halloween weekend!