"My Ambition's Eyes Were Bigger Than Its Stomach"

Last summer (it's always hard to believe there is a summer when, as right now, the city is covered in snow, but there is, & so there may yet be), when I left WMUL, I had no idea that we'd be relocating to Lexington as quickly as we did. I left the station, as I might or might not have said, because, as far as I could tell, no one was listening to my show. Now, there's always a possibility that no one is listening to anything I do exclusively online ("podcasts") either, but at least it's not time-dependent. I would take the time, in good weather & bad, to travel to the station - often I had to visit the "department of public safety" (ie, campus cops) first, to get a key, as the station was usually locked up by four pm, broadcasting a majority of the time automated programming - & then I would spend three hours in a lonesome studio with no feedback from anyone, putting on the best damn show I could. Then, in the middle of the night, I'd lock up, return keys to the cops, & drive home with the drunks (bars closed at 3am in Huntington, so there were always a smattering of cars on the road - what radio station were they listening to?), usually feeling empty & forlorn, wondering why the hell I bothered.

By the way, I don't really know why no one listened to or seemed to respond to my show in Huntington. I don't mean to cast aspersions on the radio station itself. The Station Manager had plenty of anecdotal evidence of listeners for various shows. The management of WMUL simply didn't appear to care whether they had listeners nor did they do anything to actively increase listeners. For my part, I would completely understand if there was simply no one in Huntington who liked the sort of show I do. It was a bit unusual, however - in Austin, I did get calls from people who didn't like my show - so why not there? I did roughly fifty shows at WMUL - some of them, it's true, together in three- or four-hour blocks - in ten months there, & I got about three phone calls total from listeners who were not people associated with the station. I'm not entirely sure that my experience there wasn't the same as other deejays - certainly every semester, among the students at least, the station seemed to hemorrhage about a third of the on-air programmers who weren't somehow associated with the station's news & sports programming.

That's the main reason I left. I had given a great deal of myself to the station, not just in radio programming, & there was little to show for it besides an in-house award, & my name on a plague in the station's usually-empty halls. When I left, I fully expected that I would stay in Huntington for the time being, as my wife had a job there & we owned a house. I knew I would never want to return to WMUL, & I thought I'd be without a radio station for a year or perhaps longer. I announced, in this blog post, that I would continue Self Help Radio as a podcast (as I had done the year before in Austin) & also continue the shows I did on WMUL - Dickenbock Electronics & Sugar Substitute - as podcasts as well. I'd also add jazz & old-timey country blues shows into a rotation to keep myself busy. & I have. I've been doing them since June.

Suddenly! Though! The wife & I decided in July to relocate Lexington! We had travelled here a lot to escape Huntington - we also found ourselves visiting Athens, Ohio, & Columbus, Ohio, when we could. My wife had a job interview here - she actually got the job so she'll be working at the University of Kentucky starting in January - & on our visits we would listen to WRFL. I really liked it, far more than anything I ever heard on WMUL. For one thing, there were actual deejays on the air. You could call them & talk to them. Another is that they truly "owned" their shows - on WMUL, you had to play music from the station's library, & that library was very limited. WRFL seemed, as I've said before, to combine the best of both KVRX & KOOP, my two alma maters, & if you've heard those stations, you know it's high praise indeed.

Not only that, but the folks were incredibly welcoming, & the listeners - again, maybe the fact that Lexington is six times larger than Huntington, & the broadcast area is so much wider than WMUL's - they responded to me. I got a show as soon as we moved here & (you might have noticed) I have availed myself of the opportunities of subbing other people's shows as well as doing my own regular shows - Self Help Radio & Sugar Substitute. Last week I subbed four shows for a total of nine extra hours; this week I subbed two shows for a total of five extra hours. It's way too much fun & I am as always extremely grateful for the chance. Plus, just this morning, I chatted on the phone with an awesome listener who had lots to say about what I was playing. To say that that never happened in Huntington is being coy about it - nothing close to that ever seemed even remotely possible in Huntington.

This is a long way of saying that I unfortunately have been just too busy to do my Saturday podcasts. It breaks my heart because I really like putting them together, gathering the jazz & country blues & electronica that I listen to during my days of musical exploration & education. But I subbed a show this morning very early & just didn't have the time to put the show together today. I feel like a lame-o but I also need to be realistic about it. It's not that I don't have the time per se - it's that when I do have the time, I put much more effort into extracurricular WRFL shows than my Saturday podcasts.

Plus, I'm never sure if anyone's listening. I have Google Analytics installed but it doesn't seem terribly reliable. I also miss the spontaneity of live radio. I don't record the podcasts in real time, as you probably have guessed. It's fun but it's not as fun as doing shows on WRFL.

I promise, when I do WRFL specialty shows, I'll put them up more regularly. But for the time being, there'll be no more Dickenbock Electronics or Tags & Tricks or The Zeke Moonshine Show. My apologies to anyone who'll miss them, if there are any, but mainly my apologies to me. I thought I could continue in this manner for an indeterminate length of time, but my ambition's eyes were bigger than its stomach.

If, you know, ambition ate radio shows. Or something.

All Is Folly!

I haven't played with the online rhyming dictionary in a while. I also haven't written a great bad poem in a while. Here are the "official" suggested rhymes for "folly" (edited for some redundancy & some wtf?):

ali (it seems like that has a different syllabic emphasis), bali, braly, brolly, cali (those three aren't real words, are they?), collie, dali, dolly, golly, holly, jolly, lolly, mali, mollie, molly, ollie, polly, poly, smalley (smalley?), solly, stolley, tolley (tolley?), volley, bengali, bialy, canale, fragale, gambale, natale, oncale, papale, quilali, somali, spinale, spitale, vitaly, zingale (I just don't really believe any of these are real words), campanale, caporale, cardinale, comunale, curiale, denatale, depascale, depasquale, dinatale, dipasquale, generali, massingale (you pronounce this "mas-in-golly"?), mexicali, parziale, speziale, imperiale, industriale, industriali, nazionale, internationale, meridionale

That's just daunting. Even after watching every episode of the Sopranos I'm not entirely sure that these are words real people use. I can try to look them up - campanale doesn't appear in any online dictionary, nor does depascale or zingale or spinale or (most disappointingly) quilali. Why you trying to fuck with me, rhyming dictionary?

My favorite folly rhyme comes from "The Money Song" by Eric Idle:

Some people say it's folly,
But I'd rather have the lolly

That is a real word.

Your Birthday & Applicable State & Federal Law

Recent studies have shown that virtually everyone on planet earth has what is commonly called a "birth day." This may include the Immortals, who, because of their long lives, have usually forgotten the day they were born & often "remember" several times a year to have more parties & get more presents. According to the Asimov Act of 2010, robots, androids, & other artificial life forms are no longer allowed to have birthdays, instead being allowed to celebrate only "dates of manufacture."

Self Help Radio, in accordance with federal laws & union policies, devotes one show a year to birthdays. This show can be celebrated by people who have had birthdays, people who will have birthdays, & both, & neither. Well, not neither. As allowed in subsection 12 of the Cake Division Act, radio shows are allowed to dedicate their birthday programs to one or more particular persons while making it clear throughout the show that it can also be understood to be about anyone's birthday in general. This represents compliance with the Hurt Feelings Compromise, which may soon be overturned by passage of the new Congress' proposed Stop Being Such A Big Baby legislation. As it stands, however, Self Help Radio has dedicated this show to one Magdalena Muchlinski, a respected academic with a big nose, whose birthday falls on the day after the show. It is believed that one or more of the hosts of Self Help Radio "has the hots" for Ms. Muchlinksi, & rumors that one or more of the hosts of Self Help Radio is married to her have circulated.

For those of you who do celebrate birthdays, the show is available online at self help radio dot net. It is advised you listen to it with friends, perhaps while wearing a colorful, pointy hat. Balloons will increase the enjoyment of the program, as will alcohol. The program is legally binding as a present from Self Help Radio &, as such, one cannot expect anything else for one's birthday this year from the makers of Self Help Radio. You're welcome.

Happy birthday you!

Nearly Time For Birthday Fun!

I just said to my wife, "I'm a pretty good husband, all things considered."

I mean, I do a radio show for her every year around the time of her birthday! & here's something else - I've never repeated a song! I've played different covers of songs - most notably, the Beatles' "Birthday" - but there are enough birthday songs out there to sustain a show a year - & people keep making them!

What else does she expect from me? I should ask. She doesn't know why I'm asking. Now she's denying she scoffed at me. She insists I'm a pretty good husband after all. But then she adds, "But you'd be a better husband if you cooked every night."

Signs of discontent!

But I couldn't cook tonight because I was working on my shows, which start too darn early in the morning tomorrow on 88.1 fm WRFL. You can wait to find the shows - both Self Help Radio & Sugar Substitute - on the Self Help Radio website later tomorrow.

Will she listen to them? I bet she doesn't. Even though she's a pretty good wife, all things considered.

Whither Magda's Birthday Show 2010?

This is the conundrum. I love the woman I married more than pretty much anything in the world (with the possible exception of cheese fries) (which I don't eat anymore since I became vegan) but she doesn't really listen to my radio show. So why do I - why have I - for the past four or five years - dedicated an entire radio show to her around the time of her birthday? In addition, why do I crane my neck & strain my brain to make sure that show contains nothing but birthday songs?

I answered my own question, I know.

She knows, too. & she always knows. & so she gets another birthday show. As long as I can produce them, I'll make her birthday a plethora of birthday songs on a birthday show occasion. But why?

Because (as she might say, if she were paying attention): That's true romance!

The Zeke You Say

Whew. As you can probably see from all the empty cans crushed on the porch, as well as the definitive lack of apple pie in the house, Zeke Moonshine was over to record his show & to try to lasso the beagles while having a blood alcohol level that makes his riding home on that pony a dangerous proposition. Still, he managed to play some nice country & blues songs & to keep the cussin' to a minimum. You wanna hear? The show is available right now at self help radio dot net.

I just wish he wouldn't build a fire in the front yard. It'll be glowing like that all night long.

Way Too Many Radio Shows So I'm All Worn Out

I know I didn't say anything, but I spent a lot of time these past three days on the radio, mainly subbing other people's shows on WRFL. To wit, I did the Crunkadelic Funk show on Wednesday, covered a free-form shift as well as the awesome "classic rock" show The Belfy on Thanksgiving Day, & then covered the Friday morning shift which included one hour of surf music on WRFL Surf!, which is the funnest show on the radio. So I am a little tired & dreaming of eating every pizza in the world tonight instead of writing on this blog.

Tomorrow there'll be a new Zeke Moonshine, but I am trying to be radio-free for at least twenty-four hours. This should coincide with me being whiskey-full.

Also, it snowed last night. How awesome is that? As I luxuriated in the deepening cold, my lovely wife the Magda adds, "I hate snow." She's lucky we get to winter in Australia this year!

I also want to say that Self Help Radio is not on Twitter. That is all.

My Family, My Space

I didn't talk much about my family on this week's show, which was my annual "Dysfunctional Family Holiday" show. I probably should, next time. If there is a next time. If I still have a family then.

I should also mention that I had the most amazing teeth cleaning of my life today. The hygienist was awesome. Even though I was running on less than two hours of sleep & could barely string two words together. Or maybe because of that.

So the show is up at self help radio dot net for your listening plistening. There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute. I don't have anything more to say about that.

I do want to mention that I deleted my myspace account. I personally like the fact that myspace lets me preview music from tons of bands, but I don't think the visitors to the Self Help Radio page went there for a "taste" of the show in the same way. Most were probably looking for playlists. Those are available elsewhere. Recently, the site's redesign - especially the fact that I was bombarded by ads for music & movies I don't like - made it difficult to visit, & it timed out a lot when I was trying to post playlists. It just didn't seem worth it, & I figured I'd kill it before it died of neglect, like some kind of tamagotchi.

My Facebook page is much more easy to keep track of & contains everything that the myspace page did. I also started a Tumblr blog a while ago just to showcase music videos & other nonsense - maybe that would appeal more to you?

Enjoy the show & the limited ways I attempt to reach out. & have a happy Thanksgiving!

A New Dentist In A New Town

I'm obsessed with teeth, with my teeth specifically, with the idea of losing my teeth. For the longest time I didn't take very good care of my teeth. I grew up poor, which may not necessarily be an excuse - I recently talked to someone here in Kentucky who grew up poor but has perfect teeth because she had parents wise enough to take advantage of whatever health care was available for low-income families - & they made their kids brush & floss. But I don't want to blame my upbringing too much - as embarrassed as I was about having awful teeth, I was much more afraid of the dentist.

I finally got my teeth fixed during college, & mostly people don't remember my awful teeth. (Some people probably do, but they probably weren't ever really my friends, & if they remember me at all, they remember an ugly fat kid with bad teeth.) I have become pretty great about visiting the dentist regularly since then. I was sad to leave my long-term dentist in Austin - he was apparently quite rough with folks, but he was always nice to me (my first dentist in Austin was, however, a douchebag) & I trusted him. The dentist in Huntington was a little smug, but otherwise pleasant. But now! There's a new dentist over the horizon!

The bad thing is that it's tomorrow morning - & my show is on quite early, so I'll have to stay up later than usual, & will probably fall asleep during the cleaning. I bet there's a bit of anxiety in my voice (more than usual) while I discuss dysfunctional families on my show tomorrow morning. It's on really early on WRFL - both online & at 88.1 fm - but I'll put it online soon enough on self help radio dot net. Also, it'll be clean. For the next six months at least.

Whither Dysfunctional Family Holiday 2010?

I've been celebrating the holidays with songs about fucked-up families since 2006. This will be my fifth anniversary show. I still am not spending any of the holidays with my born-into family, although I am spending it with my chosen family, the wife & the six fuzzy children. & also - with you! I'll be subbing lots of shows on WRFL this week - including, Wednesday at 2, the Crunkadelic Funk Show; Thursday at 4, the Belfry (WRFL's classic rock show); & Friday at 8am, WRFL Surf!. The deejays involved have kindly let me sit in their places while they sit with their families for the Thanksgiving.

So you're sort of like the family I'm choosing to be with this week. You can chose not to be with me by not listening. Which you can choose not to do on the fm dial at 88.1 or by not clicking the WRFL link above. You know.

Five years of shows like this! Do I come from a broken home or what?

The Day, It Got Away

So I didn't have a chance to do the Zeke Moonshine show today. You'll have to forgive me.

I will reschedule for next week, although I *am* subbing three shows over the Thanksgiving holiday, so let's hope I'm not too frazzled.

One of the reasons the day got away is that I wasted thirty minutes waiting for take out from my favorite Chinese restaurant tonight. I was all set to be really pissed, but then it was so delicious that I forgave them.

Maybe if I make sure there's an extra-special Zeke Moonshine show next week it'll be so delicious that you'll forgive me for not being able to complete it today.

What are the shows I'm subbing next week? A funk show, a classic rock show, & a surf rock show. Why do you ask?

Really, I should be able to get Zeke Moonshine in next Saturday to do the show. It's not like his still blew up or anything.

All righty then. Thanks for being patient.

What A Situation!

I am reading (for the first time, although I did know of its existence & I think had to read portions of it in class when I was in college a million moons ago) Greil Marcus' "Lipstick Traces" & it is making me realize how much I love music all over again. Not that I forget, but often I am reminded & I swoon.

Like this:

"In Chicago, in 1957, trying to cut 'Little Village,' bluesman Sonny Boy Williamson & his white producer get into an argument over just what, exactly, constitutes a village - an argument resolved only when Williamson shouts, "Little village, motherfucker! You name it after yo' mammy if you like!" As a footnote, this explains why Williamson proceeds to take up much of the song with a discussion of what distinguishes a village from a hamlet, a town, or a city; it also explains a great deal about the evolution of the master-slave relationship. In Memphis in 1954, guitarist Scotty Moore responds to a slow, sensual early take of 'Blue Moon of Kentucky' by calling nineteen-year-old Elvis Presley a nigger; three years later in the same spot, Jerry Lee Lewis & Sam Phillips engage in an hysterical donnybrook over the question of rock 'n' roll as music of salvation or damnation. These moments explain most of American culture."

Just amazing.

Destroy All Radio

In what some might call irony, I almost destroyed my computer today while trying to save a copy of this week's episode of Self Help Radio, which was about destruction. I am sleepy, you see, & it was being very unhelpful. However, my cats explained that I couldn't write to you if I destroyed the computer, & they hid my hammer, & after a few happy pills from Mr. Xanax, I was able to put the show on the website like promised & dance naked with the unicorns in the warmth of my bathroom floor.

Self Help Radio's highly destructive show about destruction (which was entitled "Destroy!") sits precariously at self help radio dot net. Please handle with care. Don't let it out of your sight. Nothing is safe around it. But it may be enjoyable to listen to. I wouldn't know. I was in a soundproof bunker while the bomb squad spent all morning trying to defuse it.

Please enjoy responsibly.

Destroy, He Said

This radio show is not an advocate for violence in any way, shape, form or deed. This radio show simply seeking to explore the concept of "destruction" when it uses the imperative "Destroy!"

Therefore, anything destroyed during the course of the show is not the responsibility of the show. This includes (but is not limited to) musical playback devices, other equipment, personal property, impersonal property, dreams, ideals, closely-held beliefs, illusions, misconceptions, currency, fluency, animals not personally favored by the deejay, humans same, humans who are not the same, & other "things" as covered in the previously document of indemnifications as approved by both corporate & state laws & regulations.

In other words, listen at your own risk.

That's tomorrow morning on Self Help Radio, live too early for your own good on 88.1 fm wrfl dot fm or archived sooner than you'd think on self help radio dot net.

This also applies to this week's episode of Sugar Substitute, but that show's safe for the entire family.

Whither Destroy?

Also, why not "Whither Destruction"? That sounds better.

Whether it's destroying you enjoy or just plain destruction, boy is Self Help Radio the show for you!

I mean, Evelyn Waugh might have said, "Art is the symbol of the two noblest human efforts: to construct & to refrain from destruction" (& I'm pretty sure he did) (it's true! his name was Evelyn & he was a dude!) (but I think to keep from being beaten up he pronounced it "eve-a-lynn" not "ev-a-lyn") but then Pablo Picasso said, "Every act of creation is first an act of destruction" & then IT WAS ON.

I actually don't know if the two of them even knew each other, although Picasso was alive the entire time Waugh was. Though Waugh was only alive a fraction of the life of Picasso. How much? Waugh lived 62 years, Picasso 91 (!) years. That means that Waugh lived about 7/10ths the amount of life Picasso did. In years. He might have lived more in, say, alcohol, but I really doubt it.

Anyway, the Marquis De Sade, who is often called in to break ties like this, said, "Destruction, hence, like creation, is one of Nature's mandates." & De Sade took a lot of men out on dates, so he knew something about mandates.

That's a horrible joke, but I was destroying your perception of my ability to tell a joke & it worked!

Expect Self Help Radio to be like that this week!

Jazz In The Brain Pan

There was another flash! of jazz in the Self Help Radio universe today as the fifth episode of Tags & Tricks magically appeared, after I played a bunch of songs & talked very little. Seriously, it's a nice show today featuring such artists as Sonny Criss, Yusef Lateef, Rahsaan Roland Kirk, & Joe McPhee, & many more. I kinda played really long songs today, so there are fewer artists than I regular play, but I more than make up for it by the amazingness of the music.

Where's all that jazz? It's where every radio show I do ends up, at self help radio dot net. Didn't you know? Well, you do now.

Lazy & Amazing

She snaps her fingers, & wishes she had had the prerequisite typing lessons. But as the supervisor passes, she fakes it, she hunts & pecks.

It reminds her of her ridiculously codependent cat, who only enjoys eating if she is petting her. Seriously. She had had obese cats who will eat everything left out for them within minutes, but this cat - let me tell you, a feast could have been laid out by the most preeminent caterers in Europe & she would only have deigned to begin mastication once a sympathetic hand brushed against her fur.

What the fuck?

She never thought she'd join her cat on what she believed was the 13th level of unhappiness. Because even if her cat, at state zero (0), believed that she was happy (which was not state zero [0]), there was some other element that increased pleasure beyond happiness (state zero [0]), which existed when someone pet her, which must've been amplified when she ate, which was why she was petting her while she ate.

There were, she believe, twelve levels of unhappiness greater than that delusional level of happiness she - & her cats - lived at.

She sighs to herself, & says, later, on her blog, "Getting a job in 2010 - what're you gonna do?"

Her cat is insulted, but, luckily, is not allowed to have a blog.

Wings In Stereo

See, there are two wings, so they're in stereo - get it?

Not only that, but archived Self Help Radio shows (starting with this one) are stereo now. It also helps that I record it in stereo. I have this nifty device (as seen on televisions Law &/or Order) but it only records in mono. I use something else now, that captures the station's stereo output. So it's real stereo. Not that fake 1950s shit. Christ, that stereo was bullshit. Anyway, the files are larger but I had heard some grumbles from one or two porpoises so I thought, what the hell.

The show - & this week's episode of Sugar Substitute, which is also in stereo - is at self help radio dot net. The theme is wings, & the show may well reveal to you the secret of flight. If, you know, it was still a secret & not something humans as well as birds & insects & mammals like bats & some fish do all the damn time.

Our Overweight Sexist Media

Self Help Radio takes wing tomorrow by featuring a show about wings!

Here are the following kinds of wings which probably will not be featured in song tomorrow:

1) Paul McCartney's post-Beatles back-up band.
2) A folding section, as of a double door or of a movable partition.
3) The unseen backstage area on either side of the stage of a proscenium theater.
4) A section of a large building devoted to a specific purpose
5) Either of two groups with opposing views within a larger group; a faction.
6) Any of the meanings referring to anything in the military.
7) Any of the meanings referring to anything in sports.

Here are the following kinds of wings which will most probably be featured in song tomorrow:

1) Things that help creatures or human-made devices fly.
2) Metaphorical forms of the word that means the above.

Here are as many words I can make from the word "wings" so I can win at Boggle or whatever game that is:

I, is, GI (is that allowed?), gin, win, sin, wig, gins, wins, wigs, swig, wing, wings, swing

Here is when the show is on tomorrow so you can listen:

A little too early. Seriously, it's on at like 4:30 am.

Here are three ways you can listen:

Live in Lexington on the radio, 88.1 fm.
Live anywhere on the computer at wrfl dot fm.
Archived later (sometime tomorrow) on self help radio dot net.

Here is something you might not know:

The show on before it is called Sugar Substitute & it's a pop show I do. It's also archived later because it is in fact on too damn early.

We hope you listen in one way or another!

Whither Wings?

- Wither wings, so I shall fly no more!
- Why so unhappy, friend bird?
- Did you know, my bones are hollow, & I must eat so much every day, just to fly!
- It seems so unsafe here on the ground.
- Yet you hibernate in winter! I must fly vast distances, to keep warm.
- We admire you down here. We wish we were free as you.
- Free! I am cursed by my wings to endlessly soar!
- Seriously, that sounds awesome. Not a curse at all.
- While I may have wings, there are others that have wings, too.
- Others?
- Bigger others.
- Bigger mothers, you mean.
- They swoop down at me, they want to eat me.
- Dude, it's no different down here. Bigger mothers want to eat me too.
- Maybe being bound to the land is a curse as well.
- Maybe life is a curse.
- Wither life, so I shall fly no more!
- Or you could just stand right there, something will come by & eat you soon enough.
- Is that clock right?
- Which one?
- On the bank there.
- Oh, yeah. We had to "fall back" last night, we're not on daylight savings time anymore.
- Oh dear, I'm late! I gotta jet.