Preface To Bows & Arrows: Archery & Outdoor Education

If you were a geek or a nerd or woefully out of shape (the conditions were not incompatible) & did not play any team sports (which actually counted as a "class" in my high school - & may still), you were still required to take "physical education."

This was an unhappy experience for me all through my schooling, because I was not only a geek or a nerd but also woefully out of shape (not much has changed, except I am no longer in high school).  Taking "P.E." was a requirement.  In middle school, it was just a class you went to.  But in high school it was something different.

You see, back then, you had to take classes that weren't general but particular.  I believe it was once a year but it may have been once a semester.  There wasn't a generic class where you did whatever activity the "coach" planned for you that day - you chose something you were supposed to spend the semester focusing on.

& there were three - & only three - of those kinds of classes for the geeky & nerdy & woefully out of shape.  One was called "Tennis/Bowling."  The second was "Golf/Bowling."  The third was "Archery/Outdoor Education."

I took the first two.  Due to a particularly weird choice my counselor made for me in ninth grade, I spent a semester as a "trainer" for the football team, which meant I passed my last period of the day in a field house handing towels to sweaty football players.  That would've been a sweet gig, but I was required to go to their games & practices, too, & not only was that completely unappealing, but I didn't have a reliable means of transportation at that age, so I would have to spend a long time walking home from school - we lived kinda far away - & getting home at eight or nine at night.

Anyway, here's a description of both Golf/Bowling & Tennis/Bowling: most of the time, you'd "dress out" (meaning, put on shorts & a tee shirt), do five or so minutes of "stretches" (giving the "coach" the opportunity to yell at you) & then you'd go outside to either play tennis or hit golf balls.  If it was one of the happy bowling days (probably just two weeks of the entire semester) (but a shit-ton of fun!), you kept your clothes on, boarded a bus, & went to a local bowling alley.

But whether it was Golf/Bowling or Tennis/Bowling, there was one constant: on Fridays, you ran.

They made us run (or walk, if you were woefully out of shape) a mile every Friday.  On the little track near the football & baseball fields.  Four times around.  Did the "coach" run?  Of course not.  He stood at the starting line with his whistle & his notepad & yelled at you as you went past.  Most of the time it was just a chance to hang out with friends in the class & take a walk.  But you had to run a little when you were passing the "coach" - less time for him to yell at you.

We had a joke about the classes that we'd tell people who (for whatever reason) wanted to know what you did there.  We'd say, "In Tennis/Bowling, they teach you how to run with a tennis racket & with a bowling ball.  In Golf/Bowling, you also learn how to run with a golf club.  In Archery/Outdoor Education, you learn to run with a bow.  The outdoor education?  They teach you how to run outdoors."

I didn't have to take Archery/Outdoor Education, though, because of being a "trainer."  I have never regretted it until now - I'm going to be doing a radio show about archery & it might have come in handy.

But probably not.

Unsafe Thoughtings

There's a person named Leapy Lee & he still plays music all the time at the age of 72.

I forgot that Katharine Hepburn lived to be 96 years old.

While cooking something yesterday, it occurred to me that aluminum foil hasn't been around for most of human history.

(That could be said for Katharine Hepburn & Leapy Lee, too.)

It's New Intro Time!

About once a year, as I mentioned in a previous post, I make a new intro for my show. I have been doing Monday mornings on WRFL for a year now, & the station, being attached to a college, has "seasons" based on semesters. The summer semester season started this week, & it's been a year since my last intro, so I made a new one.

Do you want to hear it without having to listen to an entire interminable Self Help Radio show? You can listen to the new intro here!

In case you're curious, here are the previous intros. I can't believe I keep making them.  Surely I have better things to do with my time. (*)

You can listen to the 2002 intro here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

You can listen to the 2011 intro here.

(*) Yeah, okay, I don't.

Do The Self Help Radio

Ah, dance crazes.  Who hasn't wanted to start &/or end one?  Today's Self Help Radio examines faddish & novelty dances that existed, that didn't exist, that were sarcastic commentaries on the whole concept of dance crazes, & even some dances that lasted long enough to become mainstream.  & since there was only ninety minutes, I read a bunch of other ones that I decided not to play.  Do you know how many songs about dances there are?  It's insane!

The show is dancing by itself at the Self Help Radio web site.  It's divided into two easy-to-learn steps: step one may involve putting your left foot out, while step two may involve something being shaken all about.  Details of the steps are below.

Thanks for coming to the dance!

(step one)

"Do The Dirt" The Meters _Cabbage Alley_
"Do The Clam" Elvis Presley _Girl Happy_
"Do The Hansa" The Cure _Join The Dots_

"The Twist" Chubby Checker _Twist With Chubby Checker_
"Do The Dog" Syko & The Caribs _Trojan Mod Reggae Box_
"Can Your Monkey Do The Dog" Rufus Thomas _Greatest Hits_
"Can Your Pussy Do The Dog?" The Cramps _A Date With Elvis_
"Land Of A Thousand Dances" Ike & Tina Turner _Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out! The Rolling Stones In Concert_
"I Gotta Do The Latest Dance" Gene Montgomery _Teen Town USA Vol. 5_

"Do The Choo Choo" Archie Bell & The Drells _Tightening It Up: The Best Of Archie Bell & The Drells_
"Tighten Up" Yellow Magic Orchestra _Kyoretsu Na Rhythm_
"Do The Brown Nose" The Dead Milkman _Death Rides A Pale Cow: The Ultimate Collection_

(step two)

"Do The Whirlwind" Architecture In Helsinki _In Case We Die_

"Do The Mashed Potatoes (Pt. 1)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Do The Booga Lou" King Coleman _It's Dance Time!_
"Do The Chop" The King Khan & BBQ Show _Invisible Girl_
"Do The Instant Mash" Joe Jackson _Look Sharp!_
"So, Do The Zonk" Donna Loren _Girls Go Zonk_
"Do The Zombie" The Symbols _Laff Blasts From The Past_
"The Time Warp" Cast _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_

"Do The Strand" Roxy Music _For Your Pleasure_
"Do The Donkey Kong" Buckner & Garcia _Pac-Man Fever_
"Do The Twistaroo" The Twistaroos _Twisted!_

Whither Do The Do?

We took the stray dog to the Humane Society today.  I hope she'll be okay.  We found out she was a she. She was sweet.  No one called the number after we put fliers out.  No one wrote to the Craigslist announcement.  How sad that, apparently, no one wants her.  I hope someone will.

Meanwhile, people continue to dance.  & dance they might during this week's Self Help Radio, which celebrates dance crazes from "The Twist" to "The Time Warp."  Maybe.  Or maybe so.  It's happening tomorrow morning (Monday) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen to it online.  Or you can wait till later, & listen to it online then.  Either way, you can't escape the newest craze: doing the Self Help.

Unless you don't listen.  You're safe if you're not paying any attention at all.

Preface To Do The Do: I Don't Know Any Dances

I haven't started to do my "research" for my "radio show" yet but I suspect there are a million or so different "dances" that will go beyond what the theme this week covers.  Beyond, you know, "Do The Twist," "Do The Tighten Up," "Do The Dog," etc.  It makes me want to do make songs up for dances that don't really exist: "Do The Ted Danson."  "Do The Colonoscopy."  "Do The Charming Junkie."

But a dog - tagless & friendly - interrupted while we were walking which we brought home & now it's hiding in our backyard.  I've put an ad on Craigslist & I wandered the neighborhood looking for anyone calling out a dog's name, but it's too late to put up flyers - we'll do that tomorrow.  I just think about the poor thing in our backyard!  He is not eating anything.  He's just miserable.

We simply can't adopt another dog, & I'm not sure if he'd be happy here.  But oh my sweet Ed Helms bobble doll, I would hate to have to turn him over to animal control.  Lexington is probably not no-kill.  There's that voice inside you that says, "If you had left him on the street, he might have found his way home."  But you know that might not be true.

If one of our dogs were missing, we'd be waking up the neighborhood.

The saddest dance of all: Do The Lost Dog.

Thinking About Cats Today

Is your cat an outdoor cat or an indoor cat?  & outdoor cat here means "a cat allowed outdoors that spends some time indoors."

There are those who feel obliged to honor their furry companion's genetic programming by letting it outdoors to spray & kill whatever its tiny heart desires.  Should you live in an urban setting, this is practically a guarantee that your "pet" (said with a verbal caveat represented here by quotation marks) will live a truncated lifespan.  Did it or you make that trade-off?

Then there are those who wants to make their kitten's life as safe & happy as possible, & keep the cat indoors, even though it does seem to want to get outside, to chase falling leaves, to explore rustling sounds, to chase bugs & birds.  Such cats will most probably live very long lives - the average cat age is twelve to fifteen years, but some can live as long as twenty.

Here is a list of the things that can happen to an outdoor cat which may severely truncate its lifespan: "traffic accidents, fights with other cats, intentional acts of violence, poisoning (accidental or intentional), diseases caught from other cats, being picked up by animal control & subsequently euthanized if not claimed, & death caused by predators."


It's also worth noting that cats allowed outdoors kill lots of birds.  Lots of them.  Perhaps up to a billion a year.

The cats that populate the Self Help Radio landscape stay indoors.  One of them is too frightened to go outside.  One of them has asthma, & would most probably suffer needlessly, & die horribly, if she strayed & did not get her medicine.  The third is tough black cat who just turned six who'd doubtless be a terrific hunter - but who has a low white blood cell count & would probably succumb to the first infection that came his way.

They are all loved to distraction.  They stay indoors because their presence is required as long as humanly (& felinely) possible.

Are We Meme Yet?

Here's a list of the most popular memes generated by people just like you (& maybe even you!).

If you don't know your meme, there's a handy place to go to find out what it's all about.

For example, you might see an image with a cartoon drawing of genius astrophysicist & science popularizer Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Underneath it is some variation of the phrase "Look out, we got a badass right here."  That's called a rage meme.  Not because anyone is angry - least of all Tyson, who is amused by the whole thing, but because it's a "rage" as in the idiom "all the rage," meaning very popular.

Some people wonder where memes go when they die.  Some people fear the death of memes, so they get tattoos of them.

Luckily for everyone there are many repositories of memes, like this one, & probably dozens more - there's not really enough time to find & list them all - especially since that appears to be the reason Tumblr exists - so you never have to be surprised by a new meme again!

More Indiepop For The Masses

Yes, my exercise in futility continues.  I finished the Gs!  I started the Hs!  There was lots of good music!  But I understand I may be eighty-eight when I get to the letter S.

Hey, I have a freeform show that I do before Self Help Radio (it's called Sugar Substitute) & I hijacked that show so I could cover more indiepop ground.  Therefore the list of songs below is in FOUR parts & covers almost THREE hours of radio.  I hope you enjoy.  Here are the links to the separate parts:

part one I part two I part three I part four

The shows - & maybe all thirty-five previous episodes of the Indiepop A To Z series - are available at the Self Help Radio website.  Look for the indiepop shows on the archive page.

& thanks so much for listening!

(part one)

"Made-Up Lovesong # 43" The Gulliemots _From The Cliffs EP_
"A Brief Encounter" Guther _Sundet_
"For Your Smile" Gypsophile _Just For A Day_

"Funky Little Song" Bruce Haack _Listen Compute Rock Home: The Best Of Dimension 5_
"Our Love Was" Petra Haden _Petra Haden Sings: The Who Sell Out_
"Heaven Help You Now" Paul Haig _The Warp Of Pure Fun_
"The Last Stop" The Haircuts _Sorrow Is The Way To Love_
"Election Day" Hal _Election Day_

"Charmed Life" Half Japanese _Greatest Hits_
"Joy Division Oven Gloves" Half Man Half Biscuit _Achtung Bono_
"Eclipse" Half String _Eclipse * Oval * Hue_

(part two)

"Second City Blues" Halftime Oranges _Rotterdamnation_
"Rich Girl" Hall & Oates _The Essential Collection_

"Virginia Reel Around The Fountain" The Halo Benders _The Rebel's Not In_
"Stay Away For Awhile" The Halo Bit _Stay Away For Awhile 7"_
"Two Stones In My Pocket" Neil Halstead _Sleeping On Roads_
"You Might Not Believe" Handsome Train _This Engine Should Do_
"Another Day" Hang David _Another Day_

"Top Of Morning" The Hang Ups _So We Go_
"Love Is Blue" The Hangman's Beautiful Daughters _Love Is Blue_
"Soho" The Hangovers _Slow Dirty Tears_
"Hurray" Hanky & Panky _Labrador 100_

(part three)

"All These Things" Darren Hanlon _I Will Love You At All_
"Popemobile" Arne Hansen & The Guitarspellers _So Happy I Could Pop (Vol 2)_
"That's What I'm For" The Hanshalf Trio _Woosh! - Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_

"Girls FM" Happy Birthday _Happy Birthday_
"Terry" The Happy Birthdays _The Happy Birthdays_
"Another Sunny Day" The Happy Couple _Fools In Love_
"Puritans" The Happy Family _Man On Your Street_
"Under A Song" Happy Losers _Beikoku-Ongaku Magazine # 12_

"Step On" Happy Mondays _Pills 'n' Thrills & Bellyaches_
"Camera Song" Happy Supply _Crucial Cuts_
"Heaven No!" Happydeadmen _Eleven Pop Songs_

(part four)

"The Boy I Was" Harbour Bar _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol. 2_
"Orchid Sunrise" The Harbour Pilots _Welcome To The Wetherbeat Scene 1988 - 1991_
"Sleepers" Harbourkings _Summercolts_
"Bastard Son" John Wesley Harding _Here Comes The Groom_

"Wonderful Lie" The Hardy Boys _The Hardy Boys Play Songs From The Lenin & McCarthy Songbook_
"Finland" Hari & Aino _Hari & Aino_
"Make Me Smile (Come Up & See Me)" Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel _The Best Years Of Our Lives_
"Train Not Stopping" Harper Lee _Everything Is Going To Be OK_

"(There Is) No Refrain" Harrison _(There Is) No Refrain 7"_
"Crackerbox Palace" George Harrison _Thirty Three & 1/3_
"Bambi Eyes" Harry Hunks _20 Miles An Hour_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 37?

(& 36 too!)

Tomorrow on both Self Help Radio & the show that I do which comes chronologically before it, which is called Sugar Substitute, I will be continuing the ridiculous indiepop project which I began too long ago to remember & which now stretches into a future that I might not actually make it all the way to.  This will be the 36th (on Sugar Substitute) & 37th (on Self Help Radio) editions of the Indiepop A To Z.  Spoiler alert: we'll finish the Gs!  Spoiling alert: we'll start the Hs!  I am spoiling you.

That's happening tomorrow morning - Monday the 30th - from 6 to 9am on the 88.1 frequency on the fm dial.  You can also listen online at wrfl dot fm.  & of course the show will be archived at self help radio dot net later tomorrow.

& hey!  I think almost all of the Indiepop A To Z collections are available on the Self Help Radio website!  Look through the archive page - you'll see!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 36 & 37: That Time Of Year Again

Oh god I don't know I am so obsessed with alphabetization.  What is wrong with me?

A person who feels the need to put things like bands they like in such order must have an underlying psychological condition.  By itself it's probably not so bad - but there surely are other issues involved.  Combined with, let's say, a discomfort at disorder or an unease with disorganization.  Do you see?  Everything starts to add up to - oh jeez - a condition.  For fuck's sake, should I be seeking professional help?  Getting myself a bespectacled head shrinker with a cold, stiff divan & telling my life story to someone paid to listen?  How can that be helpful?  I don't mean to discount the profession.  Just, I suppose I fear that the first thing that'll happen is that I'll be asked if I want some medications.  Kind of tempting...  Let's be honest, I've sort of been through this kind of thing before.  My psychological visits twenty years ago were deeply disappointing.  Not that I didn't need them - it's just that things didn't connect between me & the (admittedly poorly paid) analysts I was assigned to.  Oh, I know, people say it's as hard as finding a good doctor, finding a good psychologist, but I had neither the time nor the money.  Perhaps now, since I am older & more financially secure, it would be a different experience.  Questions I ask now would be more pointed.  Reactions might be better understood with greater experience.  Sessions could be processed with a (I can't believe I'm saying this) more mature mind.  Talk therapy, we are always told, is good thing, that it works.  Until it doesn't, unless it doesn't.  Very good, my love of order appears not to exist in my rationalizing mind.  Weaseling my way out of something I've never even committed to!  Xenophobes probably have more fun looking at maps!  You see what I am up against?  Zero probability of mental wellness in the near future!

This Random Dream About The Fall

I don't have a lot of dreams about The Fall even though I play them on virtually ever damn radio show I do these days.  I've seen them live maybe four times (the last time was the most recent famous meltdown, where Mark Smith fired the band after playing perhaps twenty minutes) (which is a thrilling thing for a Fall fan to see!) & the chances of me seeing them live in the near future are nil to none.  (But I might be going to Europe at the end of the year, so perhaps...)

I did dream about them last night.  The situation requires a bit of a backstory.  With recent advances in technology - which is to say, phones that can act as recording devices - it's easy to wander up to a more or less accessible musician & ask him/her/it if they would like to do an Artist ID for the radio station.  I did exactly none of these for KVRX or KOOP - but they weren't considered much of a priority at either station.  At WRFL, though, they got dozens of those things!  Stretching back many moons!  & not just musicians either - my favorite is the late, great Evel Knievel!

I managed to get one last year when I saw Darren Hanlon in Cincinnati & I got one when I saw the Wedding Present in Chicago last month.  But I've missed more than I've gotten - mainly because I forget, since it's not really a priority in my mind.  For example, when I was hanging out with my friends Bearsuit in Austin last year, I could totally have at any time gotten an artist ID.  I was just having too much fun to ask.

Oh, & you can't just beg people to do it through the emails.  They say they will but never do.  Or they just don't write back.  Because it's a little presumptuous!

In the dream I am in some kind of convenience store & I bump into Mark E. Smith, the mastermind of the Fall.  He's much shorter than I am - whether that's true in real life I don't know - & he seems to be a younger version of the very aged malcontent you see these days.  I ramble on about how much I like the Fall & even tell him that I knew I loved them when, like when you learn a language you know you're getting it when you dream in that language, I started to dream in The Fall.  He seems utterly uninterested in this information as well he should be.

A little embarrassed by my fanboy nonsense, I walk away & then think, "Holy crap I could get an artist ID!"  I find my wife - who has the iPhone I'll need to record the spot - & approach Mark Smith, now with his much-younger-than-he-is band, & ask them if that's okay.  They don't seem to mind, so I find some paper to write "WRFL Lexington" on so they can say something like, "Hi this is the Fall you're listening to" etc.

Here's where the dream becomes a typical Gary dream: the wife's iPhone has a lot of programs running that I need to keep closing until I can open the audio recording one.  Of course, an iPhone doesn't work that way, like a computer with screen after screen on a busy desktop, but in the dream it did, & I got upset at the wife  for running so many damn apps simultaneously.

Then, for some reason, I can't seem to write WRFL properly.  I am misspelling the call letters of my radio station!  I am writing with a black sharpie & I it's coming out W R E E or W R E L or some other combination that only vaguely resembles the actual call letters.

When I finally get it right, the band has gathered around Mark Smith & they do the ID.  You know, the folks who might not be in the band for the next record.  While the Fall's one constant sits there & smirks.

It almost made me not want to try to get artist IDs any more.

The Old Civic Servant

Fancies himself a kind of playboy.  Jokes that he gets time off for good behavior.  Isn't entirely convinced the haiku is an art form, let alone a form of poetry.  Was frightened as a child by a sculpture & hasn't visited an art museum since.

Likes to say he "loves hard & loves often."  Listens almost exclusively to radio stations that play music for teenagers.  Admits however that he has a soft spot for the Beatles.  Proceeds to break into his favorite song, which is "Yellow Submarine."

Used to play tennis but now can't seem to find the time.  Has an uncompleted five hundred piece jigsaw puzzle on his dinner table which the cat sleeps on.  Remembers that his father had a thing for Zane Grey.  Tells everyone he'd like to read more.

Hasn't been to the dentist since probably two thousand and two.  Punctuates his sentences with the phrase "I know my stuff."  Likes the spring better than the fall because it gets warmer & green is his favorite color.  Won't let you get a word in edgewise.

Nearly backed into a group of schoolchildren once.  Got lucky because he had been drinking.  Wants you to know that he hardly ever gets behind the wheel if he's had even one drink.  Insists in any event that he can hold his liquor.

May want to show you his scar from the bypass operation.  Has a few funny stories about nurses & morphine if you want to hear them.  Becomes very quiet these days when asked about where he worked & his pension.  Doesn't understand why it was such a bad thing.

Is getting up to go now.  Makes a few well-rehearsed comments about the noises his old bones make.  Seems a little forgetful about the etiquette involved with leaving a new acquaintance.  Decides to give a little wave & says his goodbyes.

Miracle Of Miracles

The only thing more miraculous than a Self Help Radio show about miracles is that Self Help Radio is still on the radio after nearly ten years!  Does this mean I could be a saint?  Will I get my own holiday?  Do they have saint conventions like Star Trek conventions where the beatified gather to answer questions, sign autographed photos (twenty bucks a pop), & perform a couple of sleight-of-hand miracles?  That would be awesome.  I could sell "Self Help Radio: The Unauthorized Hagiography"!

Though of course the word "miracle" technically implies something supernatural, I do sometimes feel that it's a minor miracle that I finish a show every week.  Hey!  I never said it was a good minor miracle!  You can listen to a show about miracles at the Self Help Radio website.  You can listen to the show directly (it's in two parts) (the two parts are detailed below) by clicking the following links: part one & part two.

It will be a miracle if you listen!

(part one)

"Miracles Are Hard To Find" Tullycraft _Old Traditions, New Standards_
"Make Me A Miracle" Jimmie Rodgers _The Best Of Jimmie Rodgers_
"Miracles & Wonders" The Chameleons _Why Call It Anything?_

"It's Gonna Take A Miracle" The Royalettes _Growin' Up Too Fast: The Girl Group Anthology_
"Miracles Will Start To Happen" Jonathan Richman _Jonathan Richman_
"A Miracle" Handful Of Snowdrops _Land Of The Damned_
"Promised You A Miracle" Simple Minds _New Gold Dream (81-82-83-84)_

"You Sexy Thing" Tom Tom Club _Dark Sneak Love Action_
"More Than A Miracle" Garnet Mimms _Cry Baby/Warm & Soulful_
"Miracle Man" Dorothy Black _Sister Funk_

(part two)

"It's A Miracle" Willie Hightower _Willie Hightower_
"I Believe In Miracles" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go!: The Anthology_

"Miracle Of Miracles" Eugene Chadbourne _Knitting On The Roof: Modern Interpretations Of The Classic Musical Fiddler On The Roof_
"Miracle Man" Elvis Costello _My Aim Is True_
"If I Could Work Miracles" The Bartlebees _What Is It All About?_
"Face Of Jesus Seen On A Miracle Hippy" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"The Miracle Of Love" Eurthymics _Revenge_
"I Ain't No Miracle Worker" The Brogues _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_

"Miracles Take Longer" Television Personalities _Yes Darling, But Is It Art?_
"Waiting For The Miracle" Leonard Cohen _The Future_

Whither Miracles?

Do you believe in miracles?  Are you an American?  If so, the chances are very good that you do.  The Pew Forum on religion, in a 2010 survey, found that 80% of Americans believe in miracles.

But what exactly is a miracle?  If you're in a terrible weather situation - as many have been in the last few months, with tornadoes destroying whole swaths of Indiana, Texas, & Kentucky - & you somehow survive the event with little or no damage, is that a "miracle"?  Some people certainly think so.

However, the religious definition of a miracle is an event that is inexplicable with the laws of nature, & is therefore of a supernatural nature & origin, usually through a (mostly Christian) god, but oftentimes through his saints & channelers, such as televangelists, or through supernatural agents, like angels.

But it's not too far a linguistic jump to say that how you survived the tornado above was through prayer to your deity, or through prayer to his saints, or through the invisible actions of his angels, who chose to move the tornado away from you & destroy the lives of someone else.

Some people believe it's a miracle that Self Help Radio has been allowed to be on the radio for almost a decade.  Frankly, Self Help Radio thinks it's just dumb luck.

Listen to Self Help Radio play songs & chat about miracles tomorrow from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen with the miracle of radio or with the miracle of the internets.  Or you can find out about the show too late to listen to it in real time & listen to it thanks to the miracle of online archiving.

If you listen, it will truly be a miracle.

Preface To Miracles: You Sexy Thing

Self Help Radio labors forever in obscurity, & kinda deserves it, but on the radio on Mondays the deejay will often say, "If you have ideas for themes, or if you want to request a song for the show next week, you can always email me at Gary at Self Help Radio dot net."  Needless to say, the "email-bag" is hardly ever filled by listener requests - in fact, it's usually just full of desperate African potentates & information about penis enlargement &/or engorgement.

However, this week, the show about "miracles," having been duly announced on the previous Monday, encouraged not one but two Lexingtonians to write in & request a song.  That song?  "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate.  The song is so well known that it has its own Wikipedia page.  The reason for the request, of course, is the continually repeated lyric, "I believe in miracles."  (You can read the full lyrics here.)  Indeed, if you search for the song, there's a good chance that, in this day & age of mis-identified songs, you'll find it entitled "I Believe In Miracles."  One of the correspondents called it that in the request email!

You can watch a lip-synched version by the band (who were British - did you know that?) on Youtube here.  & you can expect to hear it on Self Help Radio on Monday.  Unless!  Might there be a funky version of it somewhere?

Is it disrespectful to play covers of songs people request, especially if the song is as popular & well known as "You Sexy Thing"?

Four-Twenty

Wikipedia uses the phrase "cannabis culture" & that amuses me.

Here's an anecdote that will demonstrate to you how square I am & always have been. When I was the Program Manager for KVRX in the 90s, I made it a point to tape & listen to everyone's show at least twice during the semester. The most difficult were always the late-night shows - since I was taping the shows with cassettes, I'd have to drag myself out of bed to turn the tape on, &, since most shows were two hours long, I'd have to wake again an hour later, & turn the tape over (hooray for 120 minute tapes!). Why I didn't just stay awake & listen to the show I don't know. It made sense at the time.

One new deejay at the station, in both shows of hers that I listened to, would come on the mic at (of course) 4:20 am & say, "It's four-twenty." She would interrupt a song while doing that. When talking to her about her show, I told her, "You can wait until a regular airbreak to tell people the time." She rolled her eyes & said, "You mean you don't know?" & I was schooled about 4:20. By the way, this same woman told me that "4-20" referred to the police code for possession, a common urban legend. & hilariously, she once came up to me & told me, "I've given up drugs!" & I said, "Wow, you're not smoking pot any more?" She said, "Pot isn't a drug! It's natural!"

I guess it's better than celebrating April 20 as Hitler's birthday!

Fragments Of A Haunted Song

"The fire, it almost starts itself
Looks like water comes from somewhere else
& I could use a thing or two today"

I threw these lyrics, which are from the song "Gone Tomorrow" by Lambchop, on their new record, at a few people younger than I am, people I barely know, as an example of how songs could haunt me. The collective response was disinterest as best, dismissal at worst. "I guess the water comes from somewhere else," one person said, looking around as people do when they've told a joke but wait to see if anyone else recognizes it as such before they admit it was actually a joke.

But the words act in my brain - as many lyrics often do - as the closest I'll thing I'll ever be able to understand or accept as a koan, which is, as one online dictionary defines it, "a nonsensical or paradoxical question to a student for which an answer is demanded, the stress of meditation on the question often being illuminating."

More often than not such fragments - & usually the entire song - just fills me up with emotions that I want to experience rather than understand.

I am a bad fake Buddhist.

Windows Airs

As the weather has gotten nicer, Self Help Radio, which spends a lot of time staring out of windows, has now felt comfortable opening the windows, & it's really about time, too, because it's kinda smelly in here. Opening the windows led to thinking about songs about windows, & thinking about songs inevitably leads to a show about the songs themselves. So one window opens while a show about windows airs!

The show is available on all operating systems, not just ones that are the namesake of this show's theme. It's available at the Self Help Radio website. Hey! If you're impatient & want to download the show directly, you can do so by clicking the following links: part one | part two. What's in each part is below.

Oh no! Bugs are coming in the window!

(part one)

"Window" The Microphones _Window_
"The Window" Acrylics _Lives & Treasure_
"Out The Window" Violent Femmes _Why Do Birds Sing?_

"Get Away From That Window" The Pickard Family _The History Of Country & Western Music Vol. 1 (1927-1928)_
"Love Jumped Through My Window" Arthur Lee & Band Aid _Vindicator_
"The Other Window" Wire _154_
"Stained-Glass Windows In The Sky" Felt _Poem Of The River_
"Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo" Luxuriator _Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo_
"Windows Of The World" Scott Walker _Scott 2_

"Take A Look Out Your Window" Pataphysics _Take A Look Out Your Window_
"My Little Window" Jack Scott _Great Scott!_
"Storm Windows" John Prine _Storm Windows_

(part two)

"The Window Song" The Mountain Goats _Protein Source Of The Future... Now!_

"My Window" Help Stamp Out Loneliness _Help Stamp Out Loneliness_
"Open A New Window" The Arbors _The Very Best Of The Arbors_
"She Came In Through The Bathroom Window" Joe Cocker _Happy_
"Life From A Window" The Jam _This Is The Modern World_
"Last Of The Window Cleaners" Momus _The Ultraconformist_

"Cleaning Windows" Van Morrison _Beautiful Vision_
"The Window (live)" Leonard Cohen _Field Commander Cohen: Tour Of 79_
"From My Bedroom Window" Dear Nora _We'll Have A Time_
"Cleaning The Windows" Kentucky Friend Chicken Training _Kentucky Fried CD_

Whither Windows?

Today was a day where windows were handy. Tomorrow will be a day of celebration for windows.

Self Help Radio will be heard through all open & (in cars) rolled down windows all over Lexington tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am. You can listen online at the WRFL web page or you can simply go to the audio stream.

If you can't get your windows open, or if your day is prematurely thrown out the window, you can listen to the episode later on at your convenience at the Self Help Radio website.

Seriously, crack a window. It smells awful in here.