Whither Explain?

Or should I say, "Explain whither"?

I have an email address - gary at self help radio dot net - an address that no one really writes to, although a couple of people have written to it, & sometimes they send ideas for shows.

One person wrote to me probably long enough ago to have forgotten & he said, "I don't think you can do a show with the theme 'explaining.'  I can't find anywhere near enough songs."  I made a folder on my desktop & occasionally looked for songs.

I found enough songs, I believe.  I don't think I saved the fellow's email.  I'll go & look.  Maybe he'll be happy?

I hope that explains the idea.  The show is on today from 4 to 6 pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington.  It's online live live live at wrfl dot fm.

I expect I'll have a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Preface To Explain: How To Explain Today's Screed?

I was all set to write a (probably not very) funny post today about how in the 1990s I was a big fan of the Nickelodeon show Clarissa Explains It All & include samples of fan fiction I had written for the show for the usenet group alt.clarissa.explain.it.to.me.xo.xo, which of course doesn't exist.  (Or does it?)

The fan fiction would, by necessity, have nothing whatsoever to do with the show, since I was in my twenties when it aired, didn't have cable, & never saw a single episode.  I have vague memories of clicking through channels later on & seeing a boy climb through a teenage girl's window - that's about all I know about the show.  I'm not sure what she explained, or why she explained, or if she explained it all at all.  My fan fiction would have been a little tasteless - "Clarissa explains her first gynecologist visit" or something like that - & I wondered if I could rise to the challenge.

But it's getting late, I have to work on my show, & you'll have to be satisfied with this amusing picture:

One Of Those Funny Pictures That You Find More On Tumblr Than Blogger But I Got Nothing To Say Today

You know how it is.

It's strange how important this is to some people.  I bet my mother is going apeshit.  She loves royalty.  She loves royalty & she loves Hollywood & she loved the Pope.

I am now daydreaming about a Pope who becomes a Hollywood star & becomes the first man in history to give birth.

See?  Nothing to say today.

Make Me

I can't make anyone do anything.  Not my wife, not my dogs, especially not my cats.  How can I make you listen to Self Help Radio?  & don't say, "Do a better show!" because we both know that ain't happening.

If I can't make you listen to Self Help Radio's "make me" show, I can at least tell you where it is.  It's of course at the show's website.  You can also link directly to the show (which is in two sixty-minute parts) by using the following helpfully labelled links: part the one & part the two.  What's in each part is listed below.

Don't make me try to make you listen!

(part one)

"You Make Me" Nick Lowe _Labour Of Lust_
"Make Me Yours" Bettye Swann _Looking Good_
"You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" Ben Watt _North Marine Drive + Summer Into Winter EP_

"You Make Me Feel" The Woodentops _Bamboo: The Best Of The Woodentops_
"Sha La La (Make Me Happy)" Al Green _Greatest Hits_
"You Make Me Feel So Good" Book Of Love _Book Of Love_
"You Make Me Feel So Free" Van Morrison _Into The Music_

"You Make Me Feel Like A Weirdo" Pataphysics _Take A Look Out Your Window_
"Girl (Why You Wanna Make Me Blue)" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_
"You Still Make Me Smile" Dan Kibler _Capsule_
"You Make Me Feel So Good" Chips _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Please Don't Make Me Unhappy" The Groove Farm _Plug (The Story Of Pop So Far)_

"You Make Me Hear Music (Inside My Head)" The School _Reading Too Much Into Things Like Everything_
"(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" Anita Kerr Singers _All You Need Is Love_

(part two)

"You Won't Make Me Die" The Darling Buds _Crawdaddy_
"Make Me The Woman That You Go Home To" Gladys Knight & The Pips _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 11: 1971_

"Make Me Smile (Come Up & See Me)" Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel _The Best Years Of Our Lives_
"You Can Make Me Feel Bad" Frankie Rose & The Outs _Frankie Rose & The Outs_
"Take Me Home & Make Me Like It" Alex Chilton _Bach's Bottom_
"You Make Me Say It Somehow" The Dentists _Some People Are On The Pitch They Think It's All Over It Is Now_
"You Make Me Do Things I Don't To Do" David Ruffin _David - The Unreleased LP_

"Make Me Sad" The Embassy _Life In The Trenches_
"You Make Me Wonder" Celebrate The Nun _Continuous_
"Please Don't Make Me Cry" Winston Groovy _20 Reggae Classics_
"Don't Make Me Wait Too Long" Barry White _The Collection_

"Make Me Stay" Green Telescope _Children Of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The Second Psychedelic Era 1976-1996_
"Make Me Belong To You" Barbara Lewis _Hello Stranger: The Best Of Barbara Lewis_
"Make Me Smile" Red Sleeping Beauty _Pop Sounds_
"Why Do You Want To Make Me Sad" Perfections _Eccentric Soul: Twinight's Lunar Rotation_

Whither Make Me?

I was just writing some stuff for today's show & found this nice cartoon, from which I will read on the show.  It makes me realize that I have no idea how to make people do anything I want.  But I see how they make me do what they want.

I have met people who have followed advice like this (not necessarily about persuading folks) & really improved their lives.  I can never quite commit.  My tendency to be a lazy oaf overpowers everything.  I revert to type, as they say.  I wonder if, when I was thirteen, I had heard this advice & practiced it until it became a part of me, if I could have been an actual predator of a sort.  Damn!  Something more to regret!

You can hear what a failure I am today from 4 to 6pm (EST) on WRFL as I do Self Help Radio.  If you're in Lexington, it's on the radio at 88.1 fm.  If not, the link above will suffice.

I'll archive it later, as I archive all my dreadful mistakes, at self help radio dot yuck.

I can't make you listen, but maybe you can make me make you listen?

Preface To Make Me: Make Me Write Something Today

I bet you can't.

My Lucky, Lucky Email

Dr. John Chan CC wrote me this recently:

I am Dr. John Chan C.C a South Korean Republic and a Director of Hang Seng Bank Ltd from the Office of the International Remittance Department, I have secretly confidentially funds transfer to your private account in your country.

I will like us to invest these funds in a profitable life investments in your country, which i will beg of you not to betrayed once these funds transfer to your account from our correspondent bank. Please if it interested reply me to this my private Email: (johnchan_c@aol.com) for more details. Thanks.

Dr. John Chan C.C

I didn't respond, so he wrote me again, four days later, with the exact same message.  Please don't respond to his private email!  He meant that just for me.  Once I find out some profitable life investments in my country, I'm sure I can get back to him.  It's just that, in the United States, we have only profitable death investments.

Also, Wayne Tang wrote to me yesterday an email entitled:

URGENT NOTICE TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS OWNER

An urgent notice!  I opened it immediately!  Here's what it said:

Sir,

This is an official request for legal representation on behalf of Usha Martin Ltd. Usha Martin Ltd is manufacturing company with principal interest in the manufacturing of wire rods, bright bars, steel wires, specialty wires, wire ropes, strand, conveyor cord, wire drawing and cable machinery. After a careful review, we decided to contact your law firm to represent our company in areas of collection. We would require your legal representation for our delinquent Customers and we are of the opinion that a reputable law firm like yours can represent us in collection of monies owed our company by overseas customers and also follow up with these accounts. We are of the understanding that a proper Attorney/Client agreement must be entered into by both parties and this will be done immediately we receive your response of acceptance.

Regards,

Wayne Tang

waynetang01@yahoo.com.ph

I am sad that he didn't get the news that Self, Help, & Radio, attorneys at law, were disbarred when it was discovered that we didn't go to law school but instead learned everything about the justice system from watching Boston Legal.

Also this past weekend, to my tremendous surprise, I won the lottery!  A lottery I never entered!  Here's the poop:

Subject:  COCA COLA COMPANY WORLDWIDE LTD.

From:  "COCA COLA"

Is it odd that a major corporation like Coca Cola (a company that has a bottling plant in Lexington that I am certain employs a fair number of our citizens) sends out its information from a site called "goshka.info"?  I should think they'd want to make sure people knew they were actually from coca-cola.com, their web presence.  Oh, I'm being too skeptical.  Let's see what I've won!

GOVERNMENT ACCREDITED LICENSED!!!

COCA COLA COMPANY WORLDWIDE LTD.

COCA COLA Programs & Events Department

COCA COLA company

P.O. Box 850

MANCHESTER MR2 8GD

TEL: +448719742699

Congratulation winner,

Your email address has won a cash prize of  Ј500,000.00  Five hundred thousand Great British pounds  GBP  in our end of the year Promotion 2013 COCA COLA COMPANY UK  International Email draw.

It is pending for your collection kindly fill the below information for claim.

VERIFICATION FORM

FULL NAME........

COMPANY NAME: ......

FULL ADDRESS:...........

SEX:............

AGE.......

OCCUPATION..............

TEL.............

COUNTRY.............

E-MAIL...........

Congratulations once again from all members and staff of this promotion.

Yours faithfully,

Contact: Richard .K. Anderson.

Email: cocacola.2013@outlook.com

Online coordinator for COCA COLA COMPANY WORLDWIDE LTD LOTTERY UK

500,000 Great British pounds!  That's a lot of money.  In Great British pounds, I mean.

Also, what happened to the goshka.info address?  Richard .K. Anderson (see how cool he is - he has a period before & after the K!) is now at outlook.com .  It seems extremely inefficient.  This probably explains the dire state of the American economy.

The nice thing is that I can use the money from the lottery win to try out profitable life investments to help Dr. John Chan CC find ways to use his money, & once that's settled, & I finish law school (no college debt for me!), I'll be able to represent Wayne Tang.

This was a good week.