Self Help Radio 022814: Split

What's worse than one Self Help Radio? A Self Help Radio split in two!  Okay, each episode of Self Help Radio is in fact split in two.  But the show has got all meta & is now about splitting as itself is split.  What's more, the show features an interview with a professional splitter & some spiritual advice for those of us who often feel as though we're split in two.  & of course, lots of songs.

Listen to the show!  It's now at Self Help Radio web site.  Or perhaps you'd prefer to listen directly?  The two halves are here: part one & part two.  The split list of songs are below.

Before I split - thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Banana Split For My Baby" Louis Prima _Angelina_
"Cherry For A Banana Split" Nipsey Russell _Things They Never Taught At School_
"We're The Banana Splits" The Banana Splits _Here Come The Banana Splits_

"You Can Split" Youngblood Smith _Big City Soul, Vol. 2_
"I Live In A Split-Level Head" Napoleon XIV _They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!_
"Let's Split" Syd Barrett _Opel_
"Split To The East" Jandek _Staring At The Cellophane_
"Split Second Feeling" Cabaret Voltaire _The Original Sound of Sheffield '78/'82_
"Love Split With Blood" Dog Faced Hermans _Hum Of Life_

"I've Got A Splitting Hedachi" The Dickies _Dawn Of The Dickies_
"Splitting In Two" Alternative TV _The Image Has Cracked_

(part two)

"Split" Liliput _Nag Nag Nag_
"Split Up The Money" Vic Godard & The Subway Sect _Twenty Odd Years: The Story Of Vic Godard & The Subway Sect_
"Split Myself In Two" Meat Puppets _Meat Puppets II_
"She Splits Me Up" Crocodiles _Crimes Of Passion_

"Split!" That Petrol Emotion _Babble_
"50/50 Split" Beatnik Filmstars _Beezer_
"A Beauty Of Love That Splits The Body In Two" Thee Headcoats _The Messerschmitt Pilot's Severed Hand_
"Split Single With Happy Lounge Labelmates" Half Man Half Biscuit _Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral_
"Cat & Split" Extra Medium Pony _11868_
"Split Minute" Darker My Love _Alive As You Are_
"Split Like A Lip, No Blood On The Beard" Buke & Gase _General Dome_

"Splitting Up" Edwyn Collins _Doctor Syntax_

Whither Split?

One day I split in two.  Was it mitosis?  Was it meiosis?  Was it youosis?  I have noosis idea.

I said to the new me, "Now there's two of us, we can work twice as long on each Self Help Radio show!"

But I looked horrified & said, "Screw that!  There's two of us!  Now we'll have enough time to do all the things that we've been wanting to do!"

I asked, "What are all the things we wanted to do?"

I replied, "Wait.  Don't you have a bucket list?"

I said, "No.  No, I don't."

"But," I said back to me, "isn't there something we've wanted to do our entire lives?  Exciting places to go?  Amazing things to see?"

I chuckled.  "You're new," I said.  "You haven't quite remembered how frightened & defeated we are."

"Oh," I replied.  "Well."

"Want to work on this week's Self Help Radio with me?" I asked.

"Sure, I guess," I said.  "What's the theme?"

"Split is the theme."

"How appropriate!" I said.  & we both laughed.

Sad, sad laughter.

The Internet Is Good/Bad For Obsessions

This wonderful article on my favorite game show - Match Game - led me today to YouTube which has an untold number of old Match Game episodes for me to watch.  I loved that show as a kid - & I'm not entirely sure why.

I had older brothers & sisters who cursed like sailors, & my brothers left pornographic magazines in the bathroom that I'd leaf through looking for cartoons or other things that would fascinate my comic book-loving brain (at a certain age, looking at naked people is kinda boring), so I don't think I was ever over-tittilated by the innuendo & risqué language & situations.  I know I found it funny, but I expected it - there were girls at school who would giggle & act horrified if they heard me say "fuck," so I imagine it would scandalize them much more than it would me to watch Match Game.

I think I liked the game show aspect of it - filling in the blanks! - & I know I loved Richard Dawson & Charles Nelson Reilly & even Brett Somers.  It was also fun to see people I saw in other television shows (though I knew Dawson from Hogan's Heroes) (& I'll bet every one of them had appeared on the Love Boat &/or Fantasy Island).  & I loved how ridiculously playful Gene Rayburn was (though honestly he also kinda creeped me out) (it may be because he resembles my mother's boyfriend at the time).  As the article linked above points out, it was like being invited to a cocktail party - on a garishly colorful set (although I'm certain I watched most of the episodes on a black & white television) with that insane microphone Rayburn used.

But even though I wrote a "review" for the show on the IMDb a lifetime ago - in 2001 - I missed this documentary, called "Behind The Blank," which aired in 2002 on the then-called Game Show Network, which at the time aired two episodes per night.  I recommend it!  It's fun to listen to older versions of my 1970s friends talk about the show - Gene Rayburn says, "We were just a bunch of friends having a good time."  The magic of the show was that they made you feel like you were one of their friends, as well.

Gotta go back to watch more now!

"Hollywood Sign Generator"

Thanks to this site (which looks to be out of date, so I hope they saved Cahuenga Peak) (I suppose they did?) (I can't find any information about it) - anyway, thanks to that site, I can make everyone see what Hollywood would be like if it were cool.

Or - wait - the opposite of cool.

Self Help Radio Week In A Week!

Next week is Self Help Radio Week!  Every day of the week is a new episode of Self Help Radio!

Yeah, I know it's not that exciting.  But it'll be fun!  I promise!

Here are the five themes the show will be exploring next week:

Monday: Tests
Tuesday: Castles
Wednesday: Indiepop A To Z # 43
Thursday: Swamps
Friday: Hope

Craziness!

Self Help Radio 022114: Dig It

We dug into our music collection today (groan) to find lots of songs about digging, whether of the "to excavate" meaning or of the "like, understand" slangy meaning.  If you dig through the show, perhaps you'll find something you'll dig (please stop).

The show is available for listening hooray! at Self Help Radio website place.  Should you want to simply click a button to immediately get to a show, & who could blame you, I have direct links here: part the I | part the II.  Soon you'll be digging on the songs that I played, which are handily listed below.

Hey! I dig you!

(part one)

"Diga Diga Doo" Bob Thompson _The History Of Space Age Pop, Vol. 1: Melodies & Mischief_
"I Dig Everything" David Bowie _Early On 1964-1966_
"I Dig Your Kind" Barons _Society Don't Let Us Down_
"I'm Digging You Digging Me" Boyce & Hart _I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight?_
"I Dig Your Mind" The Nervous Breakdowns _I Dig Your Mind_

"I'm A Ginseng Digger" Wally Burke _I'm Just The Other Woman! MSR Madness Vol. # 4_
"I Dig Love" George Harrison _All Things Must Pass_
"Do You Dig It" Titus Turner _What It Is! Funky Soul & Rare Grooves (1967-1977)_
"Dig On" Pablo Moses _Pave The Way_
"I Dig You" The Cure _Seventeen Seconds_

"Dig That Groove Baby" Toy Dolls _Dig That Groove Baby_
"Dig Me" King Crimson _Three Of A Perfect Pair_

(part two)

"Dig A Hole" The Wolfgang Press _Standing Up Straight_
"Dig For Fire" Pixies _Bossanova_
"Can You Dig It?" Mock Turtles _Can You Dig It?: The Best Of The Mock Turtles_

"Digging My Feet In The Ground" Smack Dab _Majestic Root_
"I Dig You" Beat Happening _Beat Happening/Screaming Trees_
"I Dig You" Boss Hog _Boss Hog_
"Dig My Pig" Anton Barbeau _17th Century Fuzzbox Blues_
"Digging For Water" White Rose Transmission _Magic Boomerang_

"Archaeological Dig" State Broadcasters _The Ship & The Iceberg_
"Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!_
"Dig You Out" Male Bonding _Endless Now_
"Dig A Little Deeper" Peter Bjorn & John _Gimme Some_

Preface To Dig It: I Have Measured Out My Life In Shovels

Not true!  Why do I assault TS Eliot in this way?  I have barely held a shovel since I was but a boy.

I did shovel a bit of our driveway during the last month when we were covered in snow (it's gone - for now - & it's 70 degrees right now but it's windy & storms are coming).  I didn't do the entire driveway because it's very big.  Here's a Google Maps picture of our driveway:

Perhaps you can tell that we have one of those driveways that people call "circular drives" even though it's mainly an arc.  If you can't tell, it's because that big tree is hiding the topmost part (which would show you our front door & garage door too).

As you can imagine, that's a hell of a lot to shovel.  I couldn't keep up.

But it is a driveway - on private property - & knowing that fact, you'd be pretty surprised how many people use it as a means to turn around.  It seems a little rude.  Also, when I see a car driving up, I wonder, "Who can that be? Is it a friend coming to visit?"  Then I have to say, "Oh, no.  Just a douchebag doing something he'd get really pissed if someone did on his driveway."

So yes, I've held a shovel this year.  It doesn't make up for all the years I haven't held a shovel.  But I wasn't using it to dig anything up - just trying to dig out of lots & lots of snow.  & failing to do that.

What Is… Self Help Radio Week?

Is it something "declared" by the United States Congress?

Is it something horrified schoolchildren must study in third grade?

Is it a blatant attempt by a self-help industry to cash in on all the attention & money that realtors make during Real Estate Week?

Is it a chapter in my upcoming autobiography describing how long it normally takes me to make one damn Self Help Radio show?

No, no, no, & no.  It is none of the above.

Here are some hints as to what it really is:

1) It's completely made up.  By me.  I have decreed it.  No one else will observe it or will even care.

2) It won't really last a week.  It'll last five days.  So it should be called "Self Help Radio Work Week."

3) But I am calling it "Self Help Radio Week."

4) More details will be detailed next week!

But don't be too excited about it - if it's possible to get even a little bit excited - because it's no big deal.  I just never get to "tease" anything on this blog, & I wanted to see what it felt like.

It feels a little dumb.

You Are Not Currently Following Any Blogs

That's what blogger tells me every time I come here to write something about my dumb radio show.  It makes me feel bad.  Should I be following any blogs?  I mean, I should, right?  Being that I should be part of the blogger community.  That makes a certain amount of sense.

Which blogs ought I follow?  Before you answer that - might you want to know something about my likes & dislikes?  I like indie music, obviously.  & comic books (I think also that's obvious).  & Star Trek.  Um.  Is that a good place to start?

Blogger doesn't suggest any blogs for me to follow.  It has a button called "Blogger Buzz" which appears to want to show me how to make more money with my blog - only I don't really want to make any money with my blog.  I know that sounds downright un-American of me, but I do all this as a labor of love - I have never made a cent doing Self Help Radio.  Though I've lost a lot of money & time doing it!

There is this list (from 2008) of the most popular blogs on Blogger (Self Help Radio's blog didn't make it, alas). Here's a list of 2013's "best bloggers," according to Time Magazine (also I am not on this list).  I have a feeling this whole "finding blogs to follow" is going to take a little time.

Which brings me to: hey! No one's following me!  At least I don't think so.  How would I know if someone was "following" the Self Help Radio blog?

It's all rather confusing.  If you have a blog you think I should follow, let me know.  I will attempt to do some recon & be back at base before reveille.  Gary out.

The Diggers

According to Wikipedia, the Diggers were "a group of Protestant English agrarian socialists, begun by Gerrard Winstanley as True Levellers in 1649, who became known as Diggers, because of their attempts to farm on common land."  I first heard about them on a Billy Bragg record (he was covering a tune by Leon Rosselson, called "The World Turned Upside Down"):



Chumbawamba have a song about them as well:



As someone who's never been terribly political in practice, but pretty political in talk, & who grew up in conservative suburban Texas, the Billy Bragg song seemed damned inspiring.  Utopian communities in the United States have usually been religiously based - I couldn't place myself in a Shaker community, or with the Beechers.  But stories of the Paris Commune & the Diggers have always made me wish I could belong to something that idealistic & good even though it would be doomed to failure.

(I had similar feelings about the recent Occupy Wall Street movement & the Arab Spring - hopeful they would succeed, but knowing in my cynical, defeated heart they would fail.)

(I might also mention here some of my work in community radio - but I won't.)

These two songs were in my mind as I thought about a show with the theme "Dig It" (which is the theme for this week's show, of course).  In addition to songs about actually digging things (like with one's hands, or shovels, or cranes), & songs about "digging" things like hipsters & hippies might say, there are these two songs about a seventeenth century socialist movement.  How does one fit them into the context of a radio show with the theme "dig it"?

Maybe one just mentions them on one's blog?

Self Help Radio 021414: Valentine's Day 2014

Happy Valentine's Day!  Here's a buncha songs about Valentine's Day, valentines, days of Valentine, & well - you get the drift.  Plus a Valentine's Day expert tells us what the day is really about.  Oh boy!

You can listen to the show all day long (starting now) at Self Help Radio Love Central.  Or you can listen to it direct-like by clicking either part I or part II.  All the love-filled songs are listed below.

Again: Happy Valentine's Day!

(part one)

"My Funny Valentine" Elvis Costello _Taking Liberties_
"Blue Valentine" Tom Waits _Blue Valentine_
"Valentines" The Real Tuesday Weld _At The End Of The World_

"Fool For A Valentine" The Gist _Fool For A Valentine_
"On A Valentine" The Morrisons _Songs From The South Of England (1986 - 1988)_
"St. Valentine's Day" The Dream Academy _A Different Kind Of Weather_
"Valentine" The Sisters Of Mercy _The Reptile House EP_

"Valentine" Psychedelic Furs _World Outside_
"St. Valentine's Day" Mekons _I Love Mekons_
"Valentine's Day" David Bowie _The Next Day_

(part two)

"Valentine's Day" Soul Merchants _1985-1987_
"Valentine's Day" The Kids Of Widney High _Act Your Age_

"Valentine" The Darling Buds _Shame On You_
"Valentine" Tsunami _Deep End_
"Everyday Is Valentine's Day" Kissing Book _Lines & Color_
"Valentine's Day" The Poconos _Days Are Getting Shorter_
"Be My Valentine Tonight" Remington Super 60 _Pling2001_
"Dear St. Valentine" Would-Be-Goods _The Morning After_
"Valentine" The School _Loveless Unbeliever_

"Black Valentine" Hey! Hello! _Hey! Hello!_
"Your Valentine (Takes Me Back In Time)" Bubblegum Lemonade _Some Like It Pop_
"My Bloody Valentine" Ratcat _Tingles_
"Valentine's Day Is Over" Billy Bragg _The Peel Sessions_

Preface To Valentine's Day 2014: Any Good Valentine's Day Stories?

I actually don't have a lot of Valentine's Day stories because for the longest time (my first twenty years or so, & many of the years since), I didn't have the slightest chance of getting a girl to be my valentine, & when I was finally (against all odds) dating someone, I was generally with women who didn't need or want flowers, candies, jewelry, etc. - the hallmarks of the day.  I might have given one or two valentines to the woman who is now my wife - but I doubt she'd even notice if I never mentioned that tomorrow was Valentine's Day to her.

But.  I do have one dumb story.  It took place in high school.  I bought some cheap not-even-Russell-Stover boxes of chocolate at a drugstore & gave them to some girls I was fond of in my AP History class.  This was in twelfth grade, Valentine's Day 1986.  I know I gave one to a girl named Laura, who was probably the first girl I really fell in love with, & also to a girl named Carrie, who sat next to me, but I can't remember if there was anyone else in class.  I might have given one or two to a teacher I liked - but my favorite teacher was the male history teacher, & he might not have reacted well to me buying him candy.

In my senior year of high school, I would get to school early - before 7:30 - when it was easy to park & when I could go sit in the halls (hall monitors came on duty to watch the doors at 7:30) & read or study rather than hang out with a growing crowd of students waiting for the eight o'clock bell to ring & stumble miserably into first period.  At the time, one other person would wait in the halls with me: a girl named Terri, who, at some point, decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore (that's another story).  We used to chat & stuff before school started, but for a month or two we just sat silently in the halls, next to the drinking fountains (& therefore not in the view of the hall monitors), waiting for school to begin.

That day, I meant to give one of the heart-shaped boxes of candy to Terri.  I didn't know if I thought being thoughtful would repair our friendship (we reconciled over the course of a couple of weeks in the spring, although we didn't stay friends after high school) - I couldn't possibly have been that clever - I think I just thought, I like Terri, we're friends, I'm giving candy to girls (& possibly male teachers) today, I'll give her one.

I gave it to her.  She took it & said, "Thank you."  & continued ignoring me.  I went back to reading or doing homework or whatever.  After a couple of minutes, she gave the candy back to me & said, "I can't take it!  It's a farce!"  She was crying.  She went to the restroom & didn't return that morning.

(I had to look up "farce" in the dictionary later that day.)

We never spoke about it - I never brought it up - & I think I was baffled I could affect anyone in any way when I was that young & dumb.  The story has a funny postscript, though.

I was left with an extra box of candy & even I knew how lonely it would be to eat a box of valentine chocolate I had bought for myself, so when I got home, I gave it to my mother.  She was extremely happy & she almost cried herself.  That, too, was baffling to me - it was a lesson no one had taught me, least of all her - & maybe that's what moved her so: her son was being thoughtful!  Maybe she also noticed that she & I weren't as close as we had been.  In any event, wow.  She was so happy.  That was crazy.

To this day, though, I'm probably not all that thoughtful.  Some lessons can be learned only barely.

Revenge Of The Love Song!

What happens when you no longer need the love song?  You might be married - or have given up on being with another - or have given your life over to sex & death - or many other fates.  But still - as if the world is populated entirely by teenagers - the love song continues.

The love song's reach has never exceeded its grasp.  The love song goes on forever.  But lovers do not. Lovers grow old & die.  Lovers lose interest or have their love worn away.  The love song abandons old lovers because there are always new lovers growing up, feeling the urge, entering into the world of longing & desire.

Like most love, the love song is trite & banal.  Like most love, the love song is exquisite & expansive.  Like most love, the love song wants everyone to sing along.

John Lydon made sure you understand that he was not singing a love song.  Bo Burnham says the secret to the modern love song is to repeat lyrics so the song is easy to memorize.  But it helps not to overthink it.  Love songs mostly suck because most of the ideas you have about love suck.  Why else would you even listen to most of the songs on this list?  Or this list?  Or this list?  Or especially this list?

Go ahead.  Give up the love song.  Dismiss it as juvenile.  Think you've outgrown it.  Pretend to be above it.  The love song doesn't care.  It never needed you.

You needed it.

Dead External Drive Blues

Tuesdays are usually the days I set aside for lots of listening to music for Friday's show.  I have many songs (like most people) which I have on both DVD & on an external hard drive.  But this morning my external hard drive died.  Or something.

I have a program that I use to recover files from such things but it's slow slow slow.  I may (sigh) end up just copying from the DVDs again.  That takes a LONG TIME.  It's EXHAUSTING.

Online forums are usually of mild help but I sure wish I had a Star Trek computer that I could say "run internal diagnostic" to.  Instead, the program looking for files on the dead &/or dying external hard drive says, "Overall Progress: 0%".

In other news, despite it still being cold as fuck & snow is still everywhere, the wife & I are going to brave the unpleasant weather to see Eugene Mirman in Louisville tonight.

Boo, computer programs.  Hooray, comedy!

Table Of Contents/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

TOC/OCD

This may strike many as absurd, being that Self Help Radio is a show unlikely to be heard by many people ever in the universe ever, but I have gone & made a page on the website which lists all the themes I've explored in alphabetical order, with links to the original playlists.

But why do a thing like that?  Are there people out there who think to themselves, "I wonder if an obscure radio shows that has little or no listeners have ever done a radio show about [whatever]?"  I can understand them being interested when Bob Dylan did his theme radio show, because even though I've done many of the same themes he did, he's Bob Fucking Dylan & I'm as close to the textbook definition of insignificant as one can get.

In fact, it's safe to say, with a show that has almost no listeners, I could only do such a thing for me.

It's true.  I have been doing this ridiculous show for over eleven years now & occasionally I say to myself, "Hey! I should do a show about…!"  & often I go through the trouble of preparing it, only to realize I have in fact done it before.

For the record, I have only accidentally repeated a show once.  The theme was "trash" & I did the show in both 2004 & 2008.  I did a show about "fame" & another about "stars" (as in "movie stars") that ended up being rather similar.  But I've almost repeated a theme about two dozen times.

This handy index is available for me to double-check when I think I've come up with an idea that I have in fact had a few times before.  It's also available to folks - there's always been a few at the radio stations I've been at - who have thought they could do a better theme-oriented show than I do.  They can look at the linked playlists & sneer!

It's okay - I'm almost certain anyone could do this show better than I have.  I'm the one, however, stuck in the Self Help Radio rut, & not getting out any time soon.  Because I have to keep updating this "table of contents"!

Self Help Radio 020714: Hollow

The hollowness of human existence got you down?  Why not celebrate it instead?  Self Help Radio today celebrates hollow in all its forms.  Well, maybe not all its forms.  It's hollow, after all.  Just a lot of space.  Empty, you know.

The show is available for listening now! at the Self Help Radio website, or directly from here, by choosing either part one or part two.  The hollowest of songs are listed below.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Hollow" House Of Love _Audience With The Mind_
"Hollow" Majestic _The Majestic 12 Years 1995-1996_

"Hollow Hills (live)" Bauhaus _Mask_
"Hollow Eyes (12" Version)" Red Lorry Yellow Lorry _Talk About The Weather_
"The Hollow Earth" Pere Ubu _The Tenement Year_
"Hollow Gut" Lowlife _From A Scream To A Whisper_

"All My Hollowness To You" Tall Dwarfs _Hello Cruel World_
"Pretty But Hollow" The Passmore Sisters _Violent Blue_
"Hollow Heart" Birdland _Hollow Heart 12"_
"Hollow Inside" The Hummingbirds _Love Buzz_

(part two)

"Jupiter Hollow" The Proctors _Pinstripes & Englishmen_
"Hollow Inside" The Cat's Miaow _Songs For Girls To Sing_

"Hollow Mind" The Fall _Are You Are Missing Winner_
"Another Hollow Line" Young Knives _Voices Of Animals & Men_
"Is Your Head Hollow" Tranzmitors _Tranzmitors_
"Hollow Hollow Eyes" Crocodiles _ Sleep Forever_
"Hollow Life" Frankie Rose & The Outs _Frankie Rose & The Outs_

"Hollow Inside" The Buzzcocks _A Different Kind Of Tension_
"In Hollow" Belltower _Popdropper_
"Hollow Time Of Night" The Barmitzvah Brothers _The Century Of Invention_
"Hollowed Out" Cut Off Your Hands _Hollow_

Whither Hollow?

The first time I read TS Eliot's "The Hollow Men," I had no familiarity with Guy Fawkes & only a vague understanding of the post-World-War-I world about which he was writing.  I just knew that at times I felt a little (or a lot) hollow.  I was a teenager, & looking for words that would either echo how I felt or attempt to fill that hollowness.  Eliot did both.

I am somewhat more solid in my middle age, but still occasionally fill that I'm not entirely filled by life. I watch movies, listen to music, read books, sometimes even talk to people.  But of course there's always a hollowness.  Old friends that I used to know on Usenet would tell me in one word what it is: angst.

I'm trying to remember if eighteen-year-old me thought that some day that hollow feeling would be gone.  The more-than-twice-that me thinks it might be a little boring if that were the case.  I would have to find another reason to listen to music, for example - which I suppose could be interesting, to only listen to music for something technical, like composition or artistry - but it wouldn't be me, & it might make me turn my back on music I have always loved.  Very little that I loved at one time seems strange or immature or "other" to me.  I am very rarely embarrassed, as some people are, at what I "used to listen to."

Some of my friends, in fact, are more embarrassed for me for what I listen to now.

It's my way of saying, I suppose, that there's always a part of me that's going to be hollow.

I just asked my wife, who's an anatomist, what parts of the human body are hollow.  There are a lot of them: the stomach, the intestines, the bladder, the nasal cavity, the maxillary sinuses, the lateral cervical triangle, among others.  She even said, "The cranium is hollow, until you stick a brain in it," as if she were a mad scientist.

Those are the physical parts of me that'll always be hollow.  But it turns out there's more.  & probably always will be.

Preface To Hollow: The Adventures Of Reverb & Echo!

"It doesn't make much sense, sir," said the young police cadet.

"No," grumbled the aged detective.  "It most assuredly does not."  He lit his cigar & motioned to the coroner's men to come get the body.  "How," he muttered to himself, "does a person get killed inside a hollowed-out tree?"

"NOT SO FAST!" a voice bounded out of the night sky.  Everyone recognized it - it belonged to the Redoubtable Resounder himself: Reverb!

"Oh fuck," sighed the grumpy detective.  "I bet he brought that underage kid with him, too…"

"Not so fast!" a pubescent voice came, as if in response.  It was everyone's favorite Child Comeback, Echo!

"I HAVE THIS COMMISSIONER!" said the hero.  "I have this!" echoed Echo.

"Look, fellows," the detective said, "this is not the time & place…"

"DOUBTLESS THE WORK OF THE NEFARIOUS NECRO-THIEF!" said Reverb.  "Nefarious thief!" said Echo.

"I know we're outdoors, fellows," said the detective, "but can you use your indoor voice?"

"Excuse me, detective!"  A woman was pushing her way through the police cordon.  "Mary Malone, Child Protective Services.  I need a word with the man in the leather outfit."

"ECHO!" said the champion of justice, "USE YOUR REVERB-RAYS TO SEE IF THERE ARE MAGGOTS OR OTHER CORPSE-EATING VERMIN AROUND THE BODY!"

"Maggots!" said Echo, pulling a device like a small flashlight out of his belt.

"You! You!" said Mary Malone.

"YES, MA'AM? HOW CAN I HELP?"

"How old is that child there?" she asked, pointing at Echo.

"ER.  OLD?  HE'S MY SIDEKICK, THE REPETITIVE PALADIN HIMSELF!"

"Himself!" said Echo.

"Don't you yell at me, mister," said Mary Malone, poking the improbably clad hero in the chest.

"Er," he said.

"Is this young man Ernie Jackson, son of Clarence & Wilma Jackson, who live on Glendale Lane?"

"Mom & Dad?" said Echo.

"Son," said Mary Malone, "your parents are very worried about you!"

"They're not dead?" asked Echo, looking at Reverb.

"ANOTHER EVIL PLOT BY THE CONFOUNDER!" said Reverb, bursting into action.  He grabbed Echo around the waist & took off running into the forest.

"What the?" said Mary Malone, turning to the grizzled detective.  "Why don't you stop him?"

"This is homicide, ma'am," he said.  He turned to the young police cadet.  "Where's the coroner?"

"For fuck's sake!" said Mary Malone, turning & storming back to her car.

The old detective, who really thought he had seen it all, leaned on the tree that was the crime scene & puffed on his stogie.  The body seemed to be cut in three as they pulled it out.

"Who the fuck does something like that?" he thought to himself.  He looked into the forest where he thought he heard a young boy crying.

Punch A Bee

I found this on a Tumblr site:

I have no idea what it means, but it made me laugh.

Things are odd that way.

People Die During Allegations Of The Super Bowl All The Time

I sure enjoyed the hell out of watching Phillip Seymour Hoffman act.  He seemed like a shy, sensitive fellow, & his co-worker's tweets seemed to bear that out.  Jim Carrey tweeted, "For the most sensitive among us the noise can be too much."

So many people I admire, who were artists & musicians, have been dashed on the rocks thanks to the siren song of heroin.  I am squeamish when it comes to people poking needles into me; I always make sure I am lying down & looking away when someone takes my blood at the doctor's.  As such, heroin addiction was not much of a threat.

Also, I've never know any dealers.  Or if I have, I didn't know they were dealers.  I am astonished that people get drugs at all.  I wouldn't know the first place to find them.

A few friends on the Face-type-Book are wringing their hands about Woody Allen, whose adopted daughter has written an open letter accusing him, as she has for twenty years now, of sexually molesting her when she was seven.  This comes after her mother Mia Farrow & half-brother Ronan Farrow tweeted the allegations when Woody Allen won an award at the Golden Globes, & also after documentarian Robert Weide wrote a defense of Allen.  After the Dylan Farrow article, Roger Friedman wrote this article which suggests that this is some kind of campaign by Farrow to keep these accusations out there.

I don't think this is as big an issue for many of my friends for a couple of reasons.  One, a lot of them don't watch or don't enjoy Woody Allen movies.  Two, there's a contingent of them who, whether they like Woody Allen's movies or not, always side with the victim & decided, twenty years ago, he was a pervert on the level of Roman Polanski (who pled guilty to child molestation) or Michael Jackson (who was acquitted of one count but earlier settled out of court to the tune of 25 million dollars for another).

A smaller contingent might be my own: I don't know what to believe.  I certainly don't want to find out that someone whose body of work I admire is actually a pedophile, but I don't think there's enough evidence to prove it conclusively.  However, I am deeply affected by Dylan Farrow's letter & my heart goes out to her.  I just find myself so full of doubt I don't think I can even begin to know what really happened.

I often find you can tell a lot about a person by their initial reactions to such allegations.  I do the same thing, have the same sorts of things that I will automatically jump in defense of without thinking it through first.  I check myself, however, & try not to jump on the Twitter or whatever & throw out accusations.  I wish most of us could install the same sort of filter.

But it's intriguing how experience & loyalty fuck with the filter.  I dated for a while a sweet woman who was a feminist, who would automatically take the side of any woman who claimed to be raped or sexually assaulted or sexually harassed.  She volunteered at a battered woman's shelter & she had seen first-hand the devastation that violence against women caused.

She also was part of a new-age-y self-help group whose leader was, during the time I was finding out what she was a part of, accused by many female members of the group of raping them during their quasi-religious therapy sessions.  The number at the time was growing.  When I mentioned this to my girlfriend, she automatically dismissed those women's claims outright.  She couldn't believe the founder of her therapy-ish religion could do such a thing.

Although if it had been a Christian, she would've sided with the women.

I didn't watch the Super Bowl last night, but I read tweets about it.  (I'm so meta.)  I understand it was a shut-out, & not enough of a contest to be entertaining.  Someone either there or Facebook said something funny, which I paraphrase: I didn't watch the Super Bowl, but as I was flipping channels, every time I came to the game, the Seahawks were scoring.