Self Help Radio 050418: Buttons

(Original image from a button-making company.)

It's here!  The first Self Help Radio on a Friday since - well, since I moved back to Texas & started the show again as a podcast while hoping to find a place on the dial here in the metroplex but having zero luck when suddenly Chuck Clenney at WLXU asked me if I wanted the air the show again in Lexington & I said "Sure!" & did that for like a year & a half.  Since then,  the first one since then.

The show is now a podcast.  I suppose.  I am still treating it like a radio show.  I mean, I've been making the show for the past year & a half in my room so it doesn't feel much different.  Except now, I suppose, I can swear.  Oh no!  I have to warn you about swearing!

Anyway, the show premieres right now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Ah yes, it's a show about buttons.  Did I mention that?  Because of a dream?  I told you that, right?  I put it in one giant, almost two-hour long file.  I hope that's cool.  When you download, if you download, remember this: username SHR, password selfhelp .  It'll work for every file.

Below is what I played plus the extras, like the interviews, you will hear.  I hope you like!

"The Button Man" The Hellers _Singers, Talkers, Players, Swingers, & Doers_
"Bright Golden Buttons" The Highwaymen _Stop! Look! & Listen!_
"Tighten Up Your Tie, Button Up Your Jacket (Make It For The Door)" Aretha Franklin _Take It Like You Give It_
"One Two Button Your Shoe" Billie Holiday & Her Orchestra _1936-1939: Billie Blues_

introducing the Definition-Tron 4000!

"Button Up Your Overcoat" The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band _Cornology_
"Buttons & Bows" Dinah Shore & Her Happy Valley Boys _The Fabulous Hits Of Dinah Shore_
"Four Button Suit" Bob Riley & The Atoms _Rare Fifties Boston Rockabilly, Vol. 1_
"Six Button Benny" Doc Starkes & The Nite Riders _Apple Cider_
"Brass Buttons" Gram Parsons _Grievous Angel_

interview with Allen Shariaty

"Push A Little Button" Ninette Hartley _Push A Little Button_
"Push De Button" Earl Grant _The End_
"Press My Button, Ring My Bell" Lil Johnson _Copulatin' Blues_
"Push Button Love" The Internationals _Lost Deep Soul Treasures, Vol. 5_
"Bossanova Button" Remington Super 60 _All The Songs From Pling 2001_
"Pushing Buttons" The Mendoza Line _I Like You When You're Not Around_

interview with inventor David Fruchter

"Button Your Lip" Amos Milburn _The Complete Aladdin Recordings Of Amos Milburn_
"Button My Lip" Elvis Costello & The Imposters _The Delivery Man_
"Buttons & Zips" Elbow _A Cast Of Thousands_
"All Buttoned Up" Richard Thompson _Still_

Marge Most interviews archaeologist Benjamin Roundhole

"Bellybutton Song" Music For Aardvarks & Other Mammals _Putumayo Kids Presents Sing Along With Putumayo_
"Billy Button" Mary Ruth Moore _The Art Of Field Recording, Vol. 2: Unaccompanied Songs & Ballads_
"Pushbutton Head" Strawberry Story _Clamming For It_
"Poised Over The Pause Button" This Poison _Magazine 1986-1988_
"Cheap Buttons" Guided By Voices _August By Cake_
"Push Button Geoff" Miss Ludella Black & The Masonics _From This Witness Stand_

last airbreak

"Buttoned Down Disco" Clinton _Disco & The Halfway To Discontent_
"Button Up" The Bloods _New York Noise (Dance Music From The New York Underground 1978-1982)_
"Computer Age (Push The Button)" Newcleus _Jam On Revenge_
"Solo Buttons For Joe Meek" Matmos _The Rose Has Teeth In The Mouth Of A Beast_

post-mortem

Whither Buttons?

(Image from here.)

The first new day/new time Self Help Radio will be about buttons!  But why?  Was it simply too confining on radio to tackle such a controversial topic?  Not at all!  Here's why:

There was a dream.  I was dreaming it.  In the dream, everyone thought I was blind.  But I wasn't.  I was confused.  I was being praised for successfully negotiating rooms & finding things & even reading.  It was painfully obvious I was not blind.  Then I realized that was the point.  People thought I wasn't capable of even the most basic actions, walking across the floor, picking up something someone wanted, looking at a word on a page.  Confusion turned to resentment which turned to rage. But I found myself unable to hurt anyone in the dream, so my anger turned inward.  I was wearing a button-up shirt, & started to tear it off my body.  Like in a movie, in slow motion, buttons flew off the shirt, way more buttons than there actually were on the shirt, really, just too much fucking buttons, & I watched as they fell slowly to the ground, where they bounced once or twice, making a sad, echoey clicking noise as they did.

Everyone noticed what I had done & someone screamed to me, "Pick up those buttons!"  & then someone else said, "He can't see them!"

That may not be the best inspiration for a radio show ever, but I remember the dream, & there will be a show about buttons.  I certainly hope you can handle it.

The show will be available tomorrow, Friday, May 4th, at noon central time.  It will be on the show's website, Self Help Radio dot net.  I'll let you know when it's up.  It's going to be a lot of fun.

New Intro Time Again Again Again Again Again Again!

Every year, at the first of May, with an exception or two, I make a new intro for the show.  It felt appropriate since this week will be the first episode post-WLXU.

With the exception of 2004, there has been a new Self Help Radio intro each year.  I solidified the when around the time I started deejaying on WRFL - a new intro would happen at the beginning of the summer schedule, which happened in May.  It's May.  I would've probably made a new one if the show had stayed on the air in Kentucky.  In any case.

Here's what you'll hear if you download the show Friday:

The 2018 Self Help Radio intro!.

Here are all the other intros.  They vary in quality.  Such is life.  I can't believe I've made sixteen of these!

You can listen to the 2002 intro (my first!) here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

You can listen to the 2011 intro here.

You can listen to the 2012 intro here.

You can listen to the 2013 intro here.

You can listen to the 2014 intro here.

You can listen to the 2015 intro here.

You can listen to the 2016 intro here.

You can listen to the 2017 intro here.

I hope you like it.  If you listen to Self Help Radio, you'll be hearing it every damn week.

That Was Brutal

The wife & I headed up to KNON this morning with a bunch of songs about monkeys in the hopes of raising some money for the station on the first day of Spring Pledge Drive & despite all the monkey songs, we raised very little.

Remember what I said yesterday?  "I have made the mistake of having my self-esteem tied up with how I do with raising money."  So I've naturally felt awful today.  Because while there are certainly different methods for being successful with pledge drives - good premiums, powerful pitches, etc. - it seems the easiest way to encourage people to support what you do is to do a good show, one that people enjoy listening to.  When no one (well, three people) feels moved to help out the needy non-commercial radio station in your show's name, it's hard not to find it an indictment on your abilities as a programmer.

So yeah, I take it as solid evidence that I suck.

To make matters worse, I sat down tonight to watch The Last Jedi for the first time since seeing it in the theater, where I was very surprised that I dug it, & the blu-ray disc fucks up almost exactly at the half-hour mark.

A brutal morning, a disappointing evening.  Let's hope this doesn't feed into an extremely awful episode of Self Help Radio this week.

Raising Dough

Yikes!  Tomorrow is the first day of the Spring Pledge Drive on KNON!  & who has the third show of the Pledge Drive?  This guy!  I repeat: Yikes!

Ever since my first Pledge Drive, which was at KVRX, in which I did terribly, I have made the mistake of having my self-esteem tied up with how I do with raising money.  I've never been good at raising money, & I've never been a terribly popular disc jockey.  But what I want of course is to help the stations that kindly, foolishly let me deejay on their airwaves by making sure they can afford to continue broadcasting.  When I can't do that, it's even worse than the feeling of being disliked (or, worse, ignored).

During the first Pledge Drive this year, I decided on a simple strategy: bring a little Self Help Radio to the Tuesday Morning Blend.  So, my first Pledge Drive show was about money, & my second show was about kissing (since it was the day before Valentine's Day).  I think I did okay.

Tomorrow, I'll do a show about monkeys.  Maybe monkeys will delight listeners enough to open their wallets for KNON?  I sure hope so!

Wish me luck.  I will definitely need it.

Change Is Gonna Come

(I found this image here.)

This past week's Self Help Radio was the last one which will air in Kentucky on WLXU.  It would be fine if they kicked me off the air, but I'm leaving of my own volition for a couple of reasons.

The main one is the show I do on KNON.  I prerecord SHR for WLXU, but I do the Tuesday Morning Blend live, & it happens that Tuesdays is when I turn SHR in to the Lexington station.  So I have been putting two shows together on the same day (Monday) & there's a part of me that feels I haven't been giving them the attention each deserves.  & I love live radio, so if it's a choice between me sitting behind a board & playing music live & talking, or prerecording, I'm going to choose the live one, even if it isn't my beloved Self Help Radio.

The other thing is probably silly, but I listen to WLXU a good amount & it's a very community-focused station, the way radio ought to be.  But I haven't lived in Lexington for almost two years.  I have felt a little like an impostor for a while.

& KNON is about to have its Spring Pledge Drive, & I want to make sure I'm totally present to help raise moolah for that fine station.

What's going to happen to Self Help Radio?  Well, I can't just let it go, it's my deformed child, so I'll return to the podcast format, releasing a new episode every Friday at noon.  I've changed the dates on the web site to reflect that.  If you're one of the few people who actually listen, who knows?  I might try different stuff in a more-freeing podcast format.  But probably not.  I'm so set in my ways!

Listen: I have to thank so many people with regards to WLXU.  Kakie Urch asked me to help with training in the early days & I was glad to, & Hap Houlihan let me do stuff once the place was up & running, including producing the show Cradle To Grave there for a few months.  Extra special happy thanks to Chuck Clenney, who asked me to do the show on WLXU when I had left Kentucky, & to Mary Clark, who had to load my dumb show on the automation every week.  Finally, though I never met him face-to-face, much thanks to new GM Mark Royce who fortunately for me never said, "Why is this foreigner doing a show on this Kentucky station?"  Great people all, & the station is as good as it is because it's had such amazing people behind the scenes & in front of the mics.

Anyway.  Maybe you'll listen to me on Tuesdays & download the show on Fridays?  Maybe?  I hope so.  No pressure.  The pressure's all on me.

Self Help Radio 042518: Indiepop A To Z # 56

(Almost all the images found on Discogs.)

From the Melons to the Milltown brothers, from the UK to the US, up to Germany, down to Spain, over to Japan & up through Mexico, here are thirty-two tracks that I think fit the definition of indiepop, or were influential to indiepop, or had something about them that linked them to that genre. This is the fourth episode in the letter M & I suspect there'll be a lot more.  But you don't have to worry about my OCD alphabetizing again for another four months or so.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio home page, it's two hours long & split into two parts, what's in each part is below.  I hope you find some delightful stuff here - I think it's all great!

(part one)

"Eskimo" The Melons _Black & Blue_
"Sister I'm A Poet" Colin Meloy _Colin Meloy Sings Morrissey_
"32 Sweet Teeth" The Meltations _32 Sweet Teeth_

"The Ali Baba Song" Melvyn & The Smartys _Woosh! Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_
"Chinese Whispers" Melys _Chinese Whispers_
"You Supply The Roses" Memphis _You Supply The Roses_
"The Phone Call" Memphis _A Good Day Sailing_
"Boating" The Men Of Westennese _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 5_

"Pop Goes The World" Men Without Hats _Greatest Hats_
"I Wonder What Went Wrong" Meow Meow! _I Wonder What Went Wrong_
"So Ist Das Leben" The Merricks _Mit Sonnenschirmen Fingen Wir Den Blütenzauber 12"_
"When You're Young & In Love" Stephin Merritt _Obscurities_
"Vilma (Ábreme La Puerta)" Meteosat _Vilma (Ábreme La Puerta)_

"Sun" Metro _Modapop: Fantasías Veraniegas - Colección Elefant (2003-2004)_
"Spend My Whole Life Loving You" Metro Trinity _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 1_

(part two)

"Easy To Say" Metronome _This Is Stereophonic Sunshine_
"One Day Older Than Today" Mexican Kids At Home _Recycled Songs For A Happy Environment_
"Wonderful Lie" Mexico 70 _Wonderful Lie_

"Cada Dia Es Domingo (Everyday Is Like Sunday)" Mexrrissey _No Manchester_
"Chapel Gravel" Miabeane & The Asthmatic Scene _Birdsongs, Beesongs: Eardrums Spring Compilation 2009_
"When It All Comes Down" Miaow _When It All Comes Down_
"Dolly" Microdisney _Scared To Get Happy (A Story Of Indie-Pop 1980-1989)_
"Why Didn't My Parents Buy Me A Casino" Micromars _Metro_

"My Biggest Thrill" The Mighty Lemon Drops _Happy Head_
"Built Like A Car" Mighty Mighty _A Band From Birmingham_
"Dying To Hear From You" Miles Dethmuffen _Miles Dethmuffen EP_
"Morrissey, Jeff Mangum, Stephin Merritt, John Darnielle" Mikrofisch _Masters Of The Universe_
"Just A Girl" Milk _Blackbean & Placenta Sampler No. 3 1999-2000_

"The Emperor Of Oranges" Milky _Travels With A Donkey_
"Burgeois Blues 99" Milky Wimpshake _Lovers Not Fighters_
"Rain Come Down" Million Sellers _Shreds, Vol. 3_
"Roses" Milltown Brothers _Coming From The Mill 1989_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 56?

(I found this image over there.)

Many years ago, on my deathbed, I took my as-yet-unborn children by the hand & I said to them, "Your father did many, many foolish things in his day, my loving sprogs.  Initially I thought women would be impressed by my doggedness when later I realized it was stalking.  There were people in the service industry who should never had had to deal with me at all.  No one - I repeat no one - needn't suffer to hear me sing.  & of course I never should have had that last cookie.  But my one regret," I told them, hoping they could hear me over the sound of their little hearts breaking, "is that I never finished the indiepop a to z series on the radio.  Could you do that for me, my descendants, my heirs, my quite probably illegitimate offspring?"

They looked kindly into my fading eyes & checked their phones.  But one of them - the youngest, or maybe the oldest, or possibly one of those in-between, smiled & said, "Of course, father.  But what is radio?"

That dismal future happened too long ago, but it's never too late for me to prevent it happening again.  So please listen to another installment of the indiepop a to z series on tonight's Self Help Radio which is on WLXU, 93.9 fm in Lexington & online as well from 9-11pm eastern.  Your past self will thank you, or curse you.  It's not anything I can predict.

Bob Dorough

The great Bob Dorough died today (you can read his New York Times obituary here) & I was lucky I was on the radio this morning so I could play one of his songs.  & not just any song: I played Three Is A Magic Number, the first song he wrote for what would become Schoolhouse Rock.

It's hard to overstate the effect that those songs & cartoons had on me as a child.  I was an avid watcher of Saturday Morning television, & I would put my mother's cassette tape recorder up to the little black & white television we had to record the songs (videotaping would have seemed like crazy science fiction to me) to listen to over & over.  In first grade (or maybe second), I mentioned to my teacher that I recorded them, & she asked me to bring them up to play to the class; I remember being embarrassed because I would read the little credit at the end of the cartoon, whether it was "grammar rock" or "science rock" or "multiplication rock."  The class laughed when they heard my voice on the tape.

How incredibly serendipitous that a man like Bob Dorough - a true lover of music - & a clever songwriter himself - came to not only write many of the songs, but shepherded them as Music Director for the project.  He brought in old friends like Blossom Dearie to sing some of the tunes, & the styles were diverse & mesmerizing.  I can't speak to any real knowledge about psychology, but I am willing to surmise that my own often unwieldy taste in many kinds of music may have its roots in the genres & voices Dorough encouraged & brought to the project.

Life went on.  I grew up.  I didn't watch cartoons on Saturday mornings any more.  (Saturdays I slept in.)  Then one day in twelfth grade I was at my friend Joe's house & he had an actual Multiplication Rock record.  Holy shit.  (It was this one here.)  I didn't imagine such a thing existed - it would've been like discovering a record that had all my favorite television themes on it!  I borrowed it, I taped it, I tried to share my enthusiasm with my friends.  Some were not amused - later on, my friend Russell told me that he was trying to get me interested in serious music in high school & all I cared about was "children's music."

Maybe I felt a bit of vindication when, in the 1990s, they released all the Schoolhouse Rock stuff on CD, & trendy bands covered them, & even America's Sweetheart Drew Barrymore wrote a forward for the box set booklet.  But mainly I was glad to have them - I play them regularly on my show, & even played "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here" last week on Self Help Radio.

& that dear man, that soft-spoken, Southern-accented man whose nimble fingers & quick wit made those songs that I love as much as anything I love, I am going to say he's responsible for much of my love of music.  He made learning fun, he helped me learn my times tables, his voice in my head made me realize possibilities in music I simply didn't know about at the age of five, six, seven, eight.  That it's been decades & I'm still thinking about this music - still playing it on the radio! - suggests that his work - & this includes his non-Schoolhouse Rock work, which I discovered later - it suggests that what Bob Dorough made in his long life has an element of the timeless about it.

Thank you, good sir.  I think you understood how much you were appreciated, & how much what you created was loved.  It was the best thing to have grown up with your music in my life's soundtrack.

Placeholder

Hold this.
Where?
In place.
What place?
Any place.
Any place?
Any place.  But here.
Then where?
When where?
Maybe now where?
Maybe nowhere.
So where?
So we're safe.
& sound?
& sound is all we'll hear.
Here?
Anywhere.
Where is anywhere?
It has to be somewhere.
Where some are?
Some but not all.
Hardy any?
Softly most.
Mostly?
It's the least you can do.
Can I?
If you must.
Must I?
If you may.
May I?
If you can.
& if I can't?
Then give it back to me.

Often Forgotten

This is a thing I do: I go the usual way to get from place to place & then, if I have a little time, I turn, right or left, & go in that direction for a little while.  I often take pictures when I do that.  I often have enough sense of direction to not get completely turned around, but will often rely on the GPS to get me back home.  But this metroplex I live in is defined by sprawl & there's so much space, & so many people in that space.

Maybe my favorite thing to see & take pictures of is an abandoned building, whether a home or business, waiting for time or gentrification to destroy or reinhabit it.  This part of the world values new over old - it's crazy how many lovely old homes there are that exist, build just in the 1950s or 60s, but people still buy hastily-constructed McMansions - but there are still some decaying treasures out there, often flanked by fast food joints or unattractive, boxy strip malls.

There were many abandoned homes in Huntington, West Virginia, where I lived from 2009-2010, but I didn't take many pictures then.  The convenience of the digital camera had yet to find me.  If I went back, I would take tons.  I don't think I'll ever go back, though.

When I am out & about, I drive slowly, I make sure I'm on a four-lane road so angry drivers can zoom in frustration past my little Prius.  If I want to take a picture, I'll need to slow down or even stop.  Today I went around the block a couple of times to get a picture.  Back when I started taking pictures, in Lexington, friends warned me that I might get beaten up by people suspicious of me, but I try not to be so obvious.  Last year, in Oakland, a homeless man yelled at me & started to chase me because I guess I took a picture of his tent, but that's as close to danger as I've ever been in.

Anyway, I drove a little around Grand Prairie today, which no longer has a prairie in its city limits.  I took a few pictures.  I went from one highway to another, & was a little disappointed when it seemed I was heading home.

If you'd like to see some of the pictures I take that I like, I put them on the show's Tumblr blog.  Yes, they would be more appropriate on Instagram, but I don't think there was an Instagram when I started that blog.  It's nothing special, just like me, but it's something I enjoy.

One thing, though: I wish it were easier to get lost in this world.

Self Help Radio 041818: Markets

(Original image here.)

Hooray!  It's market day!  Make sure you have cash!  Get those reusable bags!  Don't make a list - we'll just buy whatever catches our eye!  Do you wanna bike there?  Drive?  Are you crazy?  To the market?  Well, you can drive but I'm gonna bike!  Or walk!  Let's take the dogs!  Let's take the neighbor's dogs!  Let's take the neighbors!  It's motherfucking market day!

& so it went on this week's Self Help Radio, a show about markets of all kinds but let's face it it's mainly about supermarkets & the like.  People just don't write songs about market forces or stock markets or even marketing come to think of it.  But supermarkets, oh yeah.  We're in those fuckers all the time.  Do you remember that episode of Happy Days where the Fonz taught Richie how easy it was to pick up women in the supermarket?  & he accidentally hit on Richie's mother?  That was funny.  Where was I?  I don't really remember.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website.  It's free to download but look for the username & password (which are on the front page there) or you won't get to listen.  There are lots of songs & also guests in both parts & what's in each part is listed below.

Does this seem organic?  It doesn't look organic to me.

"At The Market" Remington Super 60 _Indie Pop For Kids, Vol. 1_
"Open Air Market" Petrikis _Open Air Market_
"Market Place" Etta James _Etta James R & B Dynamite_

"Market Day" The Brotherhood Of Lizards _Lizardland_
"Down To The Market" The Kooks _Konk_
"A Supermarket In California" Allen Ginsberg _Howls, Raps, & Roars: Recordings From The San Francisco Poetry Renaissance_
"Supermarket Blues" Eugene McDaniels _Headless Heroes Of The Apocalypse_
"Let's Loot The Supermarket Again Like We Did Last Summer" Mick Farren _The Stiff Records Box Set_

interview with "the Market Guy" Lorenzo Schwab

"Lost In The Supermarket" The Clash _London Calling_
"Fairytale In The Supermarket" The Raincoats _The Raincoats_
"Supermarket" Iggy Pop _Skull Ring_
"Shoplifters Of The World Unite" The Smiths _Louder Than Bombs_
"Shoplifters Market" Firesign Theater _Eat Or Be Eaten_

"Queen Of The Supermarket" Bruce Springsteen _Working On A Dream_
"Supermarket" Earl Sinks _The Man With 1000 Names_
"Supermarket Full Of Cans" The Eyes Of Blue _The Mod Scene_
"I'm In The Market For You (Don Howard, vocals)" Ben Selvin & His Orchestra _The Very Best Of Ben Selvin_

interview with Paul Krugman Karl Proogman

"Go Shoppin' (feat. Eek-A-Mouse)" Bran Van 3000 _Discosis_
"The Market Of Farms" Artichoke _Etchy Sketchy Skies_
"Matt Neffer: At The Supermarket" Bob & Ray _Classic: Volume 3_
"Abominable Snowman In The Market" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers_
"Supermarket Scene" Icecream Hands _You Can Ride My Bike: The Best Of Icecream Hands_

interview with grocer David Fruchter

"Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here" Bob Dorough _Schoolhouse Rock: Grammar Rock_
"Stone Cold Dead In The Market (He Had It Coming) (with Ella Fitzgerald)" Louis Jordan _Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five, Vol. 3: 1944-1946_
"Le Supermarché" Les Calamités _Les Calamités_
"Shopaholic" Bis _Social Dancing_
"Electronique Supermarket" Skanfrom _Cashier Escape Route_

"Supermarket Casanova" Hyperbubble _Candy Apple Daydreams_
"Touching Boys (In Supermarkets)" Alice & The Enemies _Alice & The Enemies_

Whither Markets?

That picture above is one I took of the Fort Worth Public Market, an urban ruin which once, the Wikipedia says, "housed various businesses such as grocers, bakers, & butchers."  It continues, "At its peak, the Public Market had space for 145 farmer & vendor stalls & 30 permanent retail shops."  Most interesting to me is that the space had a weekly radio show on WBAP during its life!

It is no longer at its peak.  There's more information here, but fascinatingly, it was built in 1930 but succumbed to the effects of the Great Depression & closed as a market in 1941.  That's not terribly long.  It housed various businesses but hasn't had a tenant since 2004.  The area around it, however, is being gentrified, so there's always the chance that it'll experience another rebirth at some point.  But probably not as a market.

The picture was taken earlier this year, before I even knew I'd be doing a show about markets.  I just happened to run across it today, as I was mulling over what sort of nonsense I'd write about tonight's episode.  The city is full of abandoned buildings like this.  All around the metroplex, especially in the expansive suburbs, cheap apartment complexes are being built, along highways, on the former prairies that used to circle the cities.  Meanwhile inside the cities places like this are left to rot.  It's a wonder they leave the edifices up.

(Well, they have to in this case - it was designated a Texas Historical Landmark in 1980.  I think that's what's prevented the wrecking ball from obliterating it entirely.)

Though I probably won't mention this market on tonight's show, there are many other markets to note, so have a listen, if you'd like, from 9-11pm eastern at 93.9 fm in Lexington & online at Lexington community radio dot org.  This markets has plenty of things you'll want & they're all free!

Preface To Markets: This Little Piggy

There used to be - there still is? - a flea market in Garland where I would buy CDs very cheap & someone said to me when I was walking away from the stall - I had just bought Joy Division's Still for two bucks - the person said to me, "All his shit is stolen, man."

For the longest time - it seemed like years but was probably just a few months months - on Sunday mornings, the wife & I would leash up the dogs & we'd walk to the Farmer's Market in Lexington on Southland Drive.  I hated navigating the hounds through all the people - who wanted to pet them, & from whom they wanted to steal food - so I'd sit across the street, outside this German restaurant, closed Sundays, & call my mother or my sister, & pass the time with talk.  I was thinking we stopped going because my wife got bored of it, but actually we stopped going when I started to cook more - before we planned meals, my wife would buy things & decide what dinners to make with them - but I prefer to lay out the week in advance, & if I couldn't find, say, eggplants at the Farmer's Market, it would screw up my schedule.  I began to buy my food supplies at a place I knew would have what I needed.  The Farmer's Market then because superfluous.

In 1992, I went to Mexico City.  I was in love with a girl who had been studying abroad there & we arranged to meet after she was done in Cuernavaca.  I was struck by how every street was lined with people selling things - an entire city that was a market - & felt strange after a while that I wasn't buying anything.  Like a kid in a convenience store who's just passing the time, I glanced at everyone like they might kick me out for not being a paying customer.  & once of two, I'd feel a strange sensation up against my butt, a pickpocket attempting to steal a wallet I didn't carry.  I'd turn & look at the pilferer & feel a little sorry I had nothing to steal.

When I was a kid I loved to go to this place called Treasure City, which seemed large beyond measure, which was in reality about the size of an average K-Mart.  But unlike a K-Mart, you would walk in & the front area was full of little children's rides, like horses & tiny carousels.  & if you dropped me into that place again today I would know exactly where the toy section was, & it was a mess.  There would always been lots of children there & board games would be opened & books strewn about & toys being played with.  It's a wonder they were able to stay in business, &, of course, they didn't.

Gosh, I must have been in either early middle school or late elementary school when a new Minyard's supermarket opened in the shopping center next to the apartments I lived in.  I remember the opening day because I, who had no money, managed to be one of the first hundred or so people who entered &, because of that, I got a little plant, some kind of succulent, as an opening day gift.  I wandered the aisles but was happy to find, in the back corner, two things: the magazine section, which had comic books, & the water fountain, which was right next to the magazine section.  I took the plant home & set it on my window sill & promptly forgot about it.  I'm sure my mother tossed it out eventually.

The Wikipedia article on markets - meaning marketplaces - says the first Persian markets appeared around 3000 BCE.  Five millennia of humans going to places to buy things - food, clothing, toys, housewares, anything, everything.  Isn't it crazy that when you go to the outlet mall you're basically doing the same thing the first people did when they went to the bazaar?

It's a shame, in its way, so many people do it from their computer these days.

Judge Harry

Harry Anderson was a funny guy but he wasn't the funniest guy on his own television show.  That didn't seem to bother him one bit.  It let him slowly move into the role as the show's moral center, which I'm sure pleased him.  But most certainly he had that sense of self that some comedians have that says, "The important thing is the laughs, & it doesn't matter whether I'm the one getting them or not."  He wasn't quite the straight man, but he could be, & he had an amazing cast to react to.

It's hard to believe that Night Court started in 1984 because I remember watching it in college, but there it was, on the air during my (probably) formative years.  I was sixteen when it started & twenty-four when it ended.  & I think I tried to catch it in the spring of 1992 on Wednesday nights, before or after Seinfeld, when it had just started.  I've watched the first couple of seasons since, but most of the show is not available on DVD.  Maybe that'll change, or it'll come to Netflix or something.

As you probably know, Harry Anderson died today.  He made me laugh so much when I was younger, him & his show, & I'm sure he'll do it again.  That's the sort of magic he really practiced.

Bump On The Knee

Oh no!  There's a bump on my knee!  Better get to Web MD!

First I have to check my symptoms.

It's asking me my age & gender.  That's easy!

Main symptom?  All right!  "Lump on knee."

Medications?  Oh, they won't let me put "whiskey."  Oh well.

"Conditions that match your symptoms:

"Baker's cyst
"Osteoarthritis"

Oh no!  Oh no!

My wife: "You fell down & hit your knee the other day, moron.  It's a swelling.  Do you see the bruise?"

Okay, adding "bruising."  The same results!

My wife: "I'm going to take the internet away from you if you keep this shit up."

Oh all right.  Sigh.

My wife: "& stop touching it!"

Self Help Radio 041118: Mermaids

(Original image here.)

It's true, mermaids live among us!  While researching this show, in Fort Worth, which is nowhere near the ocean, I had a vision of mermaids playing poker in an undersea bar.  The music was slow & murky, because, you know, you have to move through water to play the piano.  & there were no drinks because you just had to open your mouth to drink something.  In fact, it made no sense why there would be a bar underwater.  But it was a vision, so it didn't have to make sense!

In my vision, after I ordered a scotch & soda at the bar (it never came) (for reasons explained above), one of the poker-playing mermaids motioned to me, & I went over.  She told me her name was Glurble & she worked part-time as a real estate agent while she was working her way through college.  She was so beautiful!  She said she knew of some lovely coral I could easily make a home in but it was going fast, not because of people buying it, but because of climate change.

While I couldn't buy any property, I could offer to buy her a drink, which went over as well as might be expected.  It turns out she was married, & I was too, even in a vision, which I thought massively unfair.  But after she spurned me I became aware that she wasn't the only one: there were hundreds, thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands of mermaids, & they were all married!

It seemed appropriate that this be the subject of a radio show.  & so it was.  Hear the results of my scientific investigation now at the Self Help Radio Science Page.  It's all true I swear!  You'll need a username & password to enter, but that information is on the page.  It's in two parts of almost-equal length, & what is in each section is below.

Spurned by Glurble!  My heart remains broken.

(part one)

"The Mermaid Song" Cab Calloway & His Orchestra _1941-1942_
"Song Of The Mermaid" Petula Clark _It Had to Be You: The Complete Early Singles_
"Mermaids" Paul Weller _Heavy Soul_

"Zennor Mermaid" The Hit Parade _Cornish Pop Songs_
"Mermaid" The Dollyrots _Whiplash Splash_
"Mermaid" Flight Of The Conchords _Folk The World Tour_
"My Mermaid & Me" Bill Soden _Fading Yellow, Vol. 6 (Another Rich Smorgasbord Of Timeless US Pop-Sike & Other Delights)_

interview with mermaid hunter Capt. David Fruchter

"The Mermaid" Ewan MacColl _Ye Mariners All: More Shanties & Forebitters_
"Let The Mermaids Flirt With Me" Mississippi John Hurt _D.C. Blues: The Library Of Congress Recordings, Vol. 1_
"The Mermaid" Frankie Laine _The Frankie Laine Collection_
"The Mermaid" Shel Silverstein _I'm So Good That I Don't Have To Brag_

"Blue Eyed Mermaid" Bobby Darin & The Jay Birds _The Complete Singles Collection_
"Mermaids & Surfer Girls" Colleen & Paul _Colleen & Paul_
"Mermaids" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Push The Sky Away_
"Mermaid Smiled" XTC _Skylarking_
"Sweatshop Mermaid" Haircut _Sweatshop_

InterOptions!

"Minnie The Mermaid (A Love Song In Fish Time)" Bernie Cummins & His Hotel New Yorker Orchestra _Baby How Can It Be (Songs Of Love, Lust, & Contempt From The 1920s & 1930s)_
"Little Mermaid Time" The Telephone Company _Panda Brain!_
"Mermaid Chant" Crushed Out _Teeth_
"Mermaids" Gingerlys _Gingerlys_

phone call from actual merman SteFin Seaborn

"Mermaids" I Am Kloot _I Am Kloot_
"Mermaid" Inspiral Carpets _The Beast Inside_
"Mermaid" Viva Saturn _Soundmind_
"Mermaid Drowning On Dry Land" Miles Dethmuffen _Clutter_

"At The Mermaid Parade" Katell Keineg _At The Mermaid Parade_
"In A Mermaid Tail" Po! _Horse Blanket Weather_

Whither Mermaids?

(Image found here.)

My adventures with mermaids go all the way back to my youth.  As an only child living in a fishing village, with my mother all but enslaved to the local fishmonger & my father always out to sea, I was alone a great deal.  The busy wharf & market were too frenetic for a boy with my sensitive disposition, so I would find myself wandering along the shore, staring out into the sea which seemed my destiny.

One sunny afternoon, I was daydreaming with the gulls when I suddenly heard what sounded like a whisper, then another whisper, then giggling.  I crept along the rock to see two beautiful mermaids lying about, half-in the water, half-out, chatting in a carefree manner.  I was frozen by fear, but became aware they had noticed me, by their glances & the accompanying laughs, though they otherwise ignored me.

Soon enough they were gone, diving back into the deep with their tales splashing as they went.  But I came back to the same place every day to discover it was their ritual to take lunch at this very spot regularly.  Though we didn't speak the same language, we managed to communicate by gestures & expressions on our faces, though I did manage to pick up a few words of mer-talk by & by.  They never once seemed interested in learning my language, which suited me, as I was not a talkative child.

When people now talking about "the abduction," it is assumed that some criminal element from our village had taken me for the months I was gone, & though I did my best to dissuade the authorities, & my parents, that nothing of the sort had happened.  No one took my away; I had decided to travel with the mermaids of my own volition.  To be sure, I was afraid of the cold & dark world underwater, but to acclimatize me to their surroundings was easy, as they were of course magical creatures.  Most surprisingly, I discovered many other humans in their underwater world, humans who showed no interest in returning to the surface.  My concern for my mother always nagged at me, & soon I asked to be taken home.  The merfolk did not imprison me in any way.

Over the years, I ventured there when I could, & even once took a common-law mermaid wife, which explains why I have never married here.  But my life above water kept calling me back - my parents took ill & needed constant care before their deaths, & my mother had needed me to work with the fishmonger to pay the bills.  It wasn't until I was much older when I found one of my oldest mermaid companions playing with what seemed to be gold coins.  She took me the site of a sunken ship which contained a fortune in treasure.  I would take some jewels & coins with me every time I resurfaced, & soon became the richest man in our village.  I even bought the fishmonger's place, & put him to work as my employee.

Expeditions were launched to discover the source of my good fortune, but they could never go as far out nor as deep as I did.  Jealous rivals accused me of stealing, but with the money I had I could always defend myself, & on occasion, arrange for their own misfortune.  In this way I managed to remain happy both on land & in the sea - truly, I was one of the few who successfully navigated the dangerous waters - both literally & figuratively - that separated the two spheres.

& now, in my old age, I have thought to tell the world about my adventures with my mermaid & mermen friends.  A book seemed to me too common, & they would never let me film or record them in any way.  It seemed music would perhaps serve me best, but I am a poor singer with no musical skills.  Yet there were many songs about mermaids.  Thus I hit upon a novel idea: a radio program, where I would share my stories as well as songs about my merfolk friends.  Alas, I have discovered too late that this would already happen, well before I could prepare such a tribute.  But I shall listen!

That show, about mermaids, airs tonight from 9-11pm eastern on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington, Kentucky, a poor, landlocked place.  I will be listening with my mermaid friends online, at Lexington Community Radio's website.  Yes, mermaids have the internet.  They steal it from the wires that run along the sea floor.

As for me, I do hope my friends enjoy it.  If not - well, it's been a long time since humans have angered them enough to cause them to retaliate on the surface world!

Preface To Mermaids: What About The Mermen?

No, no, not the Mermen!

Mermen!  Male mermaids!

There's a board on Pinterest, whatever that means.  Plus I google image searched that shit.  Here are some of my favorites:

(This guy's story is here.)

(Romantic!  It's from here.)

(Popeye the Sailor Merman!  Oh my.)

(Fine art by Cameron Stalheim.)

& finally, the o.g. merman, Triton:

(Many more images here.)

Now, of course, almost all the songs tomorrow are going to be about mermaids, so hopefully Mermen's Rights activists will consider this a goodwill gesture to balance the show somewhat.

If female half-human/half-fish creatures are called mermaids, why aren't the male versions called merboys or merlads or merguys?  Maybe mermen deserve to be marginalized.  Just saying.

Famous Mermaids

Eek!

A long time ago, when it was just me doing my show, I was often accused of talking too much.  You see, when it came to whatever the show's theme was, I loved talking about it during songs.  It probably was mostly boring, but I kinda miss it.

Nowadays, with the "interviews" I do, which I find funny even if no one listening does, I don't get a lot of time to explore the theme as I used to, by, you know, talking about stuff I found out.

For example, tonight I was reading this Mental Floss article about famous mermaids.  It's totally the sort of thing that I'd talk about over a couple of airbreaks on the show.  But since I probably won't have the time Wednesday, I figured I could share it here.

& since you didn't ask, no, I've never seen a mermaid.  I don't think I've ever even dreamed about one.