Self Help Radio 092818: Out Of Sight

(Original image here.)

Yes, this week's Self Help Radio is out of sight!  How out of sight?  You can't see it!  It's too far away to be seen!  Get it?  It's totally out of sight!

Technically, you can't really "see" an mp3, anyway, so a show on mp3 is out of sight.  Maybe I should do that thing where when you get to different parts of the mp3, a different image pops up on whatever device you're listening with.  Do they still do that?  Is that called "enhanced" mp3s?  Have I forgotten what I'm supposed to be doing here?  Oh yeah.  This week's show is out of sight!

There are interviews with a businessman, a robot lady, & an impostor.  There's a lot of music.  There's some etymology & some science.  But mainly there's music.  A lot of music.  & I couldn't even play all the "out of sight" songs I found!  My apologies to Tom T. Hall.

Listen at Self Help Radio dot net.  Learn the password: selfhelp.  Learn the username: SHR.  Look below to see how the show is structured.

Just be careful - listening might make you out of sight too!

Self Help Radio: The Out Of Sight Show

"Out Of Sight Out Of Mind" Porter Wagoner _Chronological Classics 1957-1959_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" Brian Hyland _Sealed With A Kiss & All The Great Hits 1960-1962_
"A Bird Flies Out Of Sight (Felicidad)" The Tokens _The Lion Sleeps Tonight_

introduction & definitions

"She's Out Of Sight" The Casinos _The Best Of The Casinos: Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye_
"We Are Out Of Sight" German Bonds _Die Hamburg Szene - Smash ...! Boom ...! Bang ...!_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" The Marauders _Mindrocker: Anthology Of 60s US-Punk Garage Psych, Vol. 3_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" Carol Fran _Bluesoul Belles: The Complete Calla, Port, & Roulette Recordings_
"Out Of Sight" James Brown _Star Time_

interview with "Hippy Dippy David Frippy" originator David Fruchter

"Baby, Out Of Sight" Liverpool Five _Out Of Sight_
"Keep It Out Of Sight" Paul & Barry Ryan _The Best Of Paul & Barry Ryan_
"My Best Friend's Girl Is Out Of Sight" Sonny Bono _Inner Views_
"Plum Outa Sight" Maxine Brown _Out Of Sight_
"Uptight (Everything's Alright)" Stevie Wonder _At The Close Of A Century_

interview with robot human Betty Cyborg

"Right, Tight, & Out Of Sight" Branding Iron _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1968-1971_
"Out Of Sight Out Of Mind" Shocking Blue _Inkpot_
"Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight" Kris Kristofferson _Jesus Was A Capricorn_
"Out Of Sight" Tubeway Army _The Plan_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" The Dickies _Stukas Over Disneyland_

interview with someone claiming to be musician John Ferguson

"Out Of Sight" Blue Orchids _The Secret City EP_
"Out Of My Sight" Frente _Marvin The Album (21st Anniversary Edition)_
"Out Of Sight" Adventures In Stereo _Alternative Stereo Sounds_
"Outta Sight" The Riverdales _The Riverdales_
"He's Outta Sight" The Rondelles _Fiction Romance, Fast Machines_
"Out Of Sight" Arling & Cameron _Stereo Showcase_

a discourse on the limits of human sight

"Outta Sight" Dexter Romweber _Blues That Defy My Soul_
"Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind" The Liarbirds _Second Quartet EP_
"Out Of Sight" The Spyrals _Out Of Sight_
"Tonight Is Out Of Sight" Lunchbox _Lunchbox Loves You_
"Out Of Sight" The Popguns _Pop Fiction_

conclusion & goodbye

"Outta Sight (Luke Vibert Remix)" Osborne _We'll Never Stop Living This Way: A Ghostly Primer_
"Out Of Sight" Moderat _Moderat_

Whither Out Of Sight?

(No, no, it's not about that movie!)

Oh you know, my brain was all like hey how many songs do you think use the phrase "out of sight" & I was all like hey brain we're not too separate people you know I am you & you am I & I know I just used grammar wrongly & wait a second are you making me dumb all of a sudden?  & my brain was all like yes of course you fool I am better than you & you are merely a vessel which I use to cruise clumsily through this world getting my meager pleasures where I may!  & I was all like no no no man you & I are the same there aren't two consciousnesses inside me there's no vehicle & driver there's just who I am & the brain is part of that!  & my brain was all like yes I let you think that but really I am in charge & now you're going to gather many, many songs with the phrase "out of sight" featured prominently within for my amusement & what the hell let's make it into a radio show that's not on the radio & waste an entire day or several days doing so ha ha ha ha!  & I said to my brain take it back you're me & I'm you!  & my brain was all like you are a fool & what's more you can't stop me wait what are you doing is that an icepick you wouldn't dare attempt to stop me no who taught you old-school lobotomies wait wait you're right if you hurt me you're hurting you which is to say us which is to say we are the same no no no nooooooooooooooooo!

Then I woke up in a pool of blood & I heard voices no more.  But I still felt the urge to do a radio show.  & so I shall.

Tomorrow, noonish, Self Help Radio website.  Who knows?  Maybe George Clooney will drop by?

Preface To Out Of Sight: Haunted IKEA

Today we went to an Ikea.  Do you have to capitalize all the letters in Ikea like I did in the title of this post, or can I write "Ikea" like I've done the last three times?

The answer is not simple.  According to the Wikipedia article, it should be all caps.  But a couple of articles locally, wherein Fort Worth was set to get its own store, but then suddenly it wasn't, spelled it "Ikea."  I just don't generally like words in all caps.  YOU DON'T EITHER.

Anyway, we were at the new Ikea in Grand Prairie, which is about thirty minutes away from us, although not as far away as the one in Frisco, which is about an hour away, although they're only about thirty-five miles apart, connected by a toll road called the President George Bush Turnpike, so-called because Texans often forget there's been not one but two George Bushes as President, so they need to be reminded, & also pay money for the pleasure.  Stupid Texans.  Where the fuck was I?

Oh yeah.  The early afternoon, a cool autumn Wednesday, & we were like one of maybe twelve people in the store.  Have you been in an Ikea, like, ever?  There are usually hundreds if not thousands of people in the store.  By the way, I'm not counting the people who work there.  There were plenty of those, & they outnumbered the customers like twenty to one.  In fact, I got to know everyone else who was there who was not an Ikea employee.  I could name them right now if I didn't value their privacy.  They were buying weird shit, too.

This is how desolate the place was: I just stood in the middle of one of their interminable aisles just spinning a shopping cart, spinning, spinning.  Those damn Ikea carts have all four wheels able to do 360 so you can spin it, you can give it a good shove like a roulette wheel or whatever & it'll just spin. I did that & I even took an iPhone video of myself spinning it & there was no one else there.  Well, maybe my wife.  She was looking at rugs.

In fact, at some point I became convinced I was a ghost of a spouse who came along to Ikea one horrible day & never left, never found my way out, despite maps & arrows on the floor & secret doors that lead to sections that don't follow logically, god I would've had so much fun playing in an Ikea when I was a kid.  But now I'm a ghost & for some reason even though no one can see me, I can spin carts around, but does anyone notice?  No, because it's a Wednesday afternoon on a cool Autumn day & it had rained & no one was going to Ikea.

Then the wife bought a rug & we left.

It Might Be Autumn If...

You just made pumpkin pie cupcakes.

That picture above is not a cupcake I made.  It's the picture from the recipe I used, which I found here.  The frosting has been frosted on the cupcake & they're in the fridge, so the frosting doesn't melt all over the place.  I don't know how they tasted, but the batter & the frosting were both pretty awesome before put to use.

Baking is not something that comes natural to me.  For one thing, I don't own a fancy mixer, or even a hand mixer, so I furiously mixed everything with what is either called a spatula or better a scraper.  I even timed the furious mixing as if I myself were the mixer.  The speeds, however, were not constant, as I was making a mess & would pause to clean up.

There's another downside to baking in our household: living with a sugar addict who's also weight-conscious.  On the one hand, this person will eat as many sweets as possible without the slightest hesitation, but on the other hand, she (because it ain't me) will become quite angry when there are "treats" in the house which may increase her weight & will in fact throw them away rather than exercise self-control.  In fact, I made half the recipe - six cupcakes - & she's now talking about giving most of them to friends.  When I mentioned I didn't have any friends, she suggested neighbors.  Please understand: she hasn't even tried one of them yet.

So how does one get better at baking while living with such a neurotic companion?  The truth is, one doesn't.  One gives baking up.  Until one decides, I really should learn how to bake.  & then one hopes the fruits of one's labors don't get thrown or given away without one noticing.

Perhaps I will keep you posted.

Back-To-Back Back Surgeries

There are two things to say about the title of this post:
1) I am not going under the knife.  I had back surgery nearly seventeen years ago.
2) For the purposes of this post, "back-to-back" can mean "seventeen years apart."

Yeah, it was just to be able to say "back" three times.

If you listened to last week's show, you'll know I said I might not be doing this week's show, because my wife was having surgery this week.  That was the case until this afternoon, when they had to reschedule.  Someone had an emergency & that person got the priority.  It's frustrating but it happens.

The crazy thing is, it happened to me when I was scheduled for surgery!  Does it happen to everyone?  Is getting scheduled for surgery the worst kind of appointment in all of medical appointments?  Because I had an appointment recently with a podiatrist for 2pm, & I showed up at 1:45 because I knew they'd need me to fill out forms but I was ready before 2 & you know when they saw me?  3pm.

But a week later!  That's amazing.

For the porpoises of this show, however, it means that, yes, there'll be a new Self Help Radio this week.  (& I'll be able to do the Tuesday Morning Blend next week as well.)  As for the week after next - it's anyone's guess.

Self Help Radio 092118: Kites

A storm approaches my Fort Worth home.  It's one of those weird Texas mornings where the sun has lighted half the sky, but to the south, it's black as a bruise & ominous, ominous as a rumble in an angry Orson Welles monologue.  But I am not deterred.

Because there is a wind!  Ah yes, the oncoming weather has whipped up the atmosphere & despite the Fahrenheit creeping toward the 80 degree mark, it seems cooler, nicer, actually pleasant.

So I head outside, I unspool the string, I put a radio show about kites on my most beautiful diamond kite & as soon as I lift the kite into the air, it's taken, it goes up, up, up, up!

Then it gets caught in a tree.  See picture above.

Maybe you'll have more luck with the radio show about kites?  Hey, it flies good.  Just keep it away from trees.  & power lines, too.  Let it soar in a way you & I never will.

Go ahead, grab that show at Self Help Radio's website. Remember that you need to write in "SHR" as username & "selfhelp" as password.  The show is about two hours long, plenty of time to stare lovingly into the sky even when the storm is threatening.  The contents of the show are listed below.

Self Help Radio Kite Show

"Kites Are Fun" The Free Design _Kites Are Fun_
"Your Kite, My Kite" Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge _The Greatest Hits Of Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge_
"Kites" Literature _Chorus_

introduction & definitions

"It's Unbelievable (How You Control My Soul)" Jeanne & The Darlings _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles, 1968-1971_
"Me & My Kite" Fuchsia _Fuchsia_
"Kite" Patty Griffin _Impossible Dream_
"Golden Kite" Cinnamon Empire _It's Good It's Good_
"Kite" Ivy _Guestroom_

interview with kitemaker Rob Boss

"Let Me Fly Your Kite" Lightnin' Hopkins _Highlights From The Mercury Blues & Rhythm Story 1945-1955_
"Kite Song" Yoko Ono _Approximately Infinite Universe_
"Kite" Kate Bush _The Kick Inside_
"Kites" Lemon Kittens _Cake Beast_
"Chinese Kite" The Clears _The Clears_

Sir Archibald Von Poesy reads an exclusive poem about the history of kites

"Let's Go Fly A Kite" Moonstone _Let's Go Fly A Kite_
"Lavender Kite" Bobby Vee _Gates, Grills, & Railings_
"Fly Yor Kite" Burnt Friedman & The Nu Dub Players _Can't Cool_
"I Wrote My Name On My Kite" We Are Wolves _Total Magique_
"Hang Mr. Kite" Guided By Voices _Let's Go Eat The Factory_

interview with Ben Franklin impersonator David Fruchter

"Let's Go Fly A Kite" David Tomlinson, Dick Van Dyke, & Londoners _Walt Disney's Mary Poppins (Original Cast Soundtrack)_
"Kite" Gary Burghoff _You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown (Original Off-Broadway Cast)_
"Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite (Take 7)" The Beatles _Anthology 2_
"Mississippi Kite" Kristin Hersh _Crooked_
"Flying A Kite" Joanna Newsom _Walnut Whales_

conclusion & goodbye

"The Johnstown Kite" Lou Christie _Glory River: The Buddah Years 1968-1972_
"Sugar Kite" California _Sugar Kite_
"Kite" Captain Cocoa _Bicycle Thieves_
"Kite" Marbles _Pyramid Landing & Other Favorites_
"The Kite & The Sky" Stephen Duffy & The Lilac Time _Runout Groove_
"Kites Are Fun" Jumprope _Holiday In Brazil

Whither Kites?

(Image from here.)

About six years ago, I had an idea to do a show about kites.  Then, I don't know what happened.  Did I forget about it?  Did I think I didn't have enough songs?  Did the show get eating by a kite-song-eating tree?  I have no damn idea.  But six years later, here it is!

What was the impetus for a kite show six years ago?  I might have been inspired by seeing kites in the spring one day, or maybe it was listening to the Free Design:



In any event.  At any rate.  Nevertheless.  Notwithstanding.  The show is happening.  Tomorrow.  Noon?  Let's hope it's noon.  I've been out flying kites.  Keep an eye here.  Or Self Help Radio dot net.  Okay?  Okay.

Preface To Kites: The Obligatory Peanuts Comic

Yeah, yeah, kite season is in the spring.  But I'm bringing it back for a week at the end of summer!  Get your kites ready, kids!

Masterful!

Reviews Are In!

Well, one review.

KNON has a web form which you can use to send comments directly to the deejay during her/his show.  I got this comment today at the tail end of my show:

Such a nice thing to receive at the end of two hours of radio!

(You can listen again to that "good show" for the next couple of weeks here.)

Bird News You Can Use

This week the bird news you can use is about the Cassowary.  Here's one now:

(Image from here.)

These flightless birds are from down under, native to Australia, New Guinea, & nearby islands.  They like fruit but will eat anything, including leftovers.  According to the Wikipedia, "Cassowaries are very shy, but when provoked they are capable of inflicting injuries, occasionally fatal, to dogs & people."

It's true!  That's why you should always remember, should you run into a cassowary, this saying:

"Always be wary of the cassowary 'cause the cassowary is wary of you."

That's bird news you can use!

Self Help Radio 091418: Fascination

(Original image - from a website designed to help you "find your fascination" - here.)

Here's this week's show, a (hopefully) fascinating collection of songs about fascination.

Apologies again for its lateness.  I was in Dallas doing radio this morning, & although it doesn't appear that way, I do spend a bit of time putting finishing touches on the program, so the two hours I was on the air (& the time commuting, in morning drive time traffic) really did cut into the amount of tender loving carelessness I put into each episode of SHR.  I was super hungry when I got home & also I took an hour nap.  So I could be writing this earlier, but I really needed the nap.  Even though an hour nap in general is useless, like a sip of water to someone dying of thirst.  Not to be melodramatic about it.  I know naps help other people.  It's just for me, it's gotta be two hours or else I'm not going to get any benefit from it in any way.

Sorry.  I got carried away there.  I hope you dig the show.  There's plenty of music I enjoy (so maybe you will too) as well as interviews with a perfume maker (whose new scent is called, of course, Fascination) & with a traveling writer, whose "Fascinating Travel" series I discovered when I read his book Fascinating Kentucky.  Hey!  I'm trying to fascinate you here!

Listen now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Remember there's a password & a username, that's on the website, in the big block of text at the top, I think I even bolded it to make it easier for you.  The songs I play are below.  Plus the interviews.  I hope you find it fascinating.

Self Help Radio Fascination Show

"Fascination" Julie London _The Magic Of Julie London_
"You Fascinate Me So" Blossom Dearie _My Gentleman Friend_
"Fascinating Man" Eartha Kitt _Thursday's Child_
"Fascinating Baby" Sherree Scott _Hot Boppin' Girls Vol. 2_

introductions & definitions

"Fascination" David Bowie _Young Americans_
"Fascination" Everything But The Girl _Eden_
"Fascination" The Fleshtones _The Groups Of Wrath: Songs Of The Naked City_
"Fascination" The Fred Banana Combo _The Fred Banana Combo_
"Fascination" Diplomats Of Solid Sound _What Goes Around Comes Around_

interview with travel writer Percival Smythe

"Just Fascination (7" Version)" Cabaret Voltaire _The Crackdown_
"Keep Feeling (Fascination)" Baxendale _Reproductions: Songs Of The Human League_
"Fascination (The Droyds' Ghetto Mix)" Proper Filthy Naughty _Larry Tee Presents Electroclash, Vol. 2_
"Fascination" Confidence Man _Confident Music For Confident People_

interview with perfumer David Fruchter

"Your Fascination (7" Version)" Gary Numan _New Dreams For Old: 84-99_
"A Kind Of Fascination (Live)" Shriekback _Jam Science_
"Fascination Street" The Cure _Disintegration_
"The Self Fascination Ritual For Increased Power" Louise Huebner _Seduction Through Witchcraft_
"Deep Fascination" The Feelies _Only Life_

Ned Dry interviews the most fascinating person in the world

"Fascinating, Devastating Man" Eleanore Mills _This Is Eleanore Mills_
"Rage & Fascination" Cristina _Sleep It Off_
"My Fascination" Buck _Buck_
"Fascinated" The Fresh & Onlys _Play It Strange_
"Wild Fascination" Capsula _In The Land Of Silver Souls_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Fascinating Melody" Chet Atkins _Mr. Guitar: The Complete Recordings 1955-1960_
"That Fascinating Thing" Squirrel Nut Zippers _Perennial Favorites_
"Fascinating Rhythm" Fred & Adele Astaire _American Musical Theater: Shows, Songs, & Stars, Vol. 1_

Whither Fascination?

(Apparently fascination is a cruise ship.  Image from here.)

It's very easy to tell you why I'm doing a show about fascination.  I've been digging the new Confidence Man record & I like the song "Fascination" on the album & thought it would make a good theme.  Easy peasy!

But hey I wanted to talk to you about something.  I've been asked to sub the Friday Morning Blend on KNON in the morning, which means I'll be getting back home a little late which means that the show might not be ready exactly at noon as it usually is.  I'm going to try, but I can't promise exactitude with the time.  I know it doesn't matter to you, because you'll probably not listen, but I wanted you to know because it matters to me.

At this point I want to say "It'll be on the Self Help Radio website at noon but there's a chance it might be a teensy bit late.  Just an fyi.

Hey!  Sometimes fascination is worth waiting for!

Preface To Fascination: Spock Saying "Fascinating"

So was I thinking about the internet this morning & I was like, "You know what?  I bet someone has made an edit of every time the character of Mr. Spock has said the word 'fascinating' on Star Trek."  & so I go to Youtube & type in "Spock fascinating" & viola!



You can't help thinking that this is what the internet was invented for, not making people crazy.  But oh well.  Enjoy!

Insensitivity

This morning, on my KNON show, I didn't mention 9/11 once.  & I guess it was on purpose, I think I was afraid of saying something that might seem disrespectful or insensitive.

Do you know how people talk about hearing about Kennedy's assassination?  That's how I feel about 9/11.  I have very distinct memories of that day.  It was a Tuesday, I dragged my ass out of bed later than usual for some reason (I don't remember what I did the night before) & checked my email like I always did.  There was a note that said something like "the University of Texas (where I worked) will remain open despite the attacks in New York."  That seemed puzzling to me, but I went & showered anyway.

But something stuck in my head.  "Attacks in New York"?  That seemed a weird sentence.  What could it mean?  I found out soon enough what it meant - I turned the television on just in time to see the second tower fall.

In those days, I listened to music on my ride to work on a Walkman which had a radio, & for the very first time I tuned in - to NPR I think - & I listened intently while observing that nothing seemed too out-of-place - the dude driving the UT bus was listening to his top forty radio station, no one was too over-concerned, no one appeared as stricken as I was.

Maybe they didn't know.  At work, everyone was glued to the television.  It soon became clear no work was going to be done that day.  & I kept thinking about everyone who died.  Everyone who, like me, got up reluctantly on a Tuesday morning to go to their job & they just died.  Some assholes flew planes into their buildings & they died.  It was fucked up.

Over time, though, the people who should have been working toward honoring the memory of those people, they abused it.  They went to war with people who didn't have anything to do with the attacks.  They put these shitty yellow ribbons on their SUVs without any irony & would use the words "9/11" to justify anything.  Lower taxes?  9/11!  Constant surveillance?  9/11!  Less freedom?  9/11!

It quickly became apparent that that tragedy was something to be used to manipulate people, to make a profit from, to use in whatever cynical way possible to do whatever the fuck you want.  & there's me, thinking about myself in the late morning of September 11, 2001, at my computer, & all I could see as I wept to myself was the people who died.  We didn't know how many.  They didn't want to die.  They didn't want to be used as excuse to kill people in another country.  They didn't want to be used to help anyone's political careers.  They just wanted to live.

So yeah, I have mixed emotions about commemorating the date.  I thought about perhaps playing a set of songs for New York City or something like that, but decided not to go anywhere near there.

& now - if you cared - you know why.

Let's Look At Jack Kirby Splash Pages

Like this one:

Which I found on this Tumblr blog.

As someone wrote, "Jack Kirby was on some next level shit."

Now excuse me, I'm going to read some OMAC comics as I fall asleep.

Self Help Radio 090718: Tubes

(Original image here.)

Tubes!  Tubes of all kinds!  Tubes of all shapes & sizes!  Well, no.  Mainly they're tube shaped.  Tubes of all tube shapes & sizes!  That's better.

Are you a fan of tubes?  You & tubes?  You tubes?  That's pretty catchy, someone should do something with that.  Anyway, weirdo freak fan of tubes, guess what?  There's an entire radio show about tubes!  You betcha!

It's at the Self Help Radio web page!  All you need to listen is ears, a computer, & a username/password combo.  (It's SHR/selfhelp.)  & if you're skeptical, look at the songs & the guests below!  Holy smokes!  Tubes!!!

Self Help Radio Tube Show

"Tubes" The Intelligence _Deuteronomy_
"Down The Tube" Cheap Time _Fantastic Explanations (& Similar Situations)_
"We're Goin' Down the Tubes" Artichoke _Etchy Sketchy Skies_

intro & definitions

"Tube Song" Invisible Cities _Houses Shine Like Teeth_
"Tube Rider" Nona Reeves _Greatest Hits/Book One_
"Rundown Tube" Swell Maps _Train Out Of It_
"Dirty Tube Train" Hayman, Watkins, Trout, & Lee _Hayman, Watkins, Trout, & Lee_
"Down In The Tube Station At Midnight" The Bad Shepherds _Yan, Tyan, Tethera, Methera!_

interview with head of International Tube David Fruchter

"The Black Hole Tube" Negativland _Happy Heroes_
"Lumboba's Tube" Zom Zoms _Lumboba's Tube_
"Wrong Tube" Swirlies _Blonder Tongue Audio Baton_
"Lava Tube Exploration: Phosphorescent Worm Callers" Corum _Coastal Vudutronic Voyage_
"Tube Talkin'" Joan Jett & The Blackhearts _Sinner_

interview with test tube manufacturer Dodd Stillwater

"Test Tube Baby" Chronics _Test Tube Baby/Calling All Cardinals 7"_
"Test Tube Babies" Skids _Scared To Dance_
"Test Tube Baby" Zolar X _Timeless_
"Glenda & The Test Tube Baby" Toy Dolls _Dig That Groove Baby_
"Test-Tube Baby/Shoot'm Down" Morphine _Good_
"Test Tube Baby" A-Frames _A-Frames_
"Test Tube Jesus" Damien Youth _Alchemy_

a little story about some pranksters & a bar called Tube

"Red: The Tube Bar Prank Calls" Bum Bar Bastards _Tube Bar_
"The Tube" Art Bears _The Art Box_
"The Tube" Shoes _Boomerang_
"The Tube" Robert Klein _Let's Not Make Love_
"The Tube" Vivian Stanshall _Teddy Boys Don't Knit_

conclusion & goodbye

"Tubular Bells" California Guitar Trio _Echoes_
"Tubular Belgian In My Goldfield" Departure Lounge _Kid Loco: AnotherLateNight_
"Tubular Friends" Tomcats In Tokyo _Sweet Gloomy Home

Whither Tubes?

(Image from here.)

Funny story.  I told a friend one time I was enjoying a record by the Tubes.  She mocked me.

Okay, more a sad story.  I was enjoying the Tubes.  I remember seeing them on SCTV & although I didn't like the song they played ("Sushi Girl") as much as their lone radio shit ("She's A Beauty"), I found them charming.  But I didn't listen to their records until many years later.  When mockery would be one of the responses.

You probably won't hear the Tubes on the Self Help Radio show about tubes.  I don't play bands whose names fit the theme.  But wait, you say!  Because you're a fan of the Tubes, you know: The Tubes have a couple of songs that namecheck themselves.  It's true.  "Tube Talk" & "Tubes World Tour."  I could play those, right?  Yes, I could.  I might play one of those.  I don't know yet, though.  The show is far from finished.

But it's not a show about the Tubes.  I'm not sure, actually, just why I wanted to do a show about tubes.  Maybe because tubes are ubiquitous.  Maybe because I was certain it would be difficult to find two hours of good songs about tubes.  Maybe I knew & forgot because I am old.  But I do know there will be a show about tubes & that it might feature the Tubes, even if my friend, with whom I haven't spoken in quite a while, mocks me for playing them.  She might even contact me for the first time in ages just to say something snotty.  But I'm still doing a show about tubes.  That might feature The Tubes.

Tomorrow.  Noon.  Self Help Radio dot net.  The internet is a series of tubes, you know.

Preface To Tubes: Foot Doctor

Just got back from the podiatrist.  I went there not because I hurt my foot or even because my foot is hurting but because I occasionally get heel pain & thought I should get it checked out.  I did.  I got some exercises.  I got to see the results of fifty years with flat feet.  Also, I got a big ass bone spur.  Crazy.

But what was most interesting was the waiting room.   Even though I am now fifty years old, I was the youngest patient there.  So many foot injuries!  Here are some things I observed:

1. The world's most patient nurse.  You know, that wasn't an intentional pun.  But it could be the title of a new show this Fall on CBS: The Patient Nurse.  She's the best nurse out there, but she's dying of an incurable disease.  So when she's not looking after you, she's checking herself in.  Coming September, some young actress is The Patient Nurse.

Shit, I went off on a tangent, sorry.  Let me start again.

1. The world's most patient nurse.  One patient, who brought his entire family, apparently had to get the fuck away from them, & went missing.  When he was called, his wife (maybe mother) had to call him to say "they're ready for you."  But he took like five minutes to get back.  & the whole time, the nurse stood placidly at the intake door, holding a folder, smiling & staring off into space.  She really didn't move until he showed up.  It was like watching something in slow motion.

2. Blabbermouth.  One guy, sitting across from his wife (maybe mother, but probably not) who was in a wheelchair-like contraption with her leg supported at a right angle to her body, he kept talking to her in a very thick Southern accent & she did not appear to be listening.  At one point, he just started saying, "Doop doop doop doop" to the same non-reaction.  He began to chew on his finger & she sprung into action, pulling out a nail file & taking care of his fingernail situation.  I lost track of them because of...

3. Forgetful elderly gentleman.  Also, somewhat hard of hearing.  This nice old man made repeated but slow & deliberate trips to the front desk as he was filling out paperwork.  He got the clipboard, went back to his seat, then realized he didn't have a pen, rose to get a pen, almost left the clipboard at the desk, made it back to his seat, filled it out to the best of his ability (I presume), returned it, went back to seat, was called back as he was returning to give an ID & an insurance cared, went back to give one, was called back because he forgot the other (the receptionist or nurse calling him back was very loud because he was nearly deaf, it appeared), & finally was able to sit until it was his time to see the doctor.  If you had a video of a turtle walking in circles, stopping occasionally for no discernible reason, you might get a sense of how mesmerizing this process is.

& finally:

4. Guy who read something about politics in a copy of Vogue & needed to talk to his wife about it.  Boy, was he disgusted.  I'm not sure what.  Several things.  Lots of things.

As for me, like I said, my feet are okay.  I got a big ol' bone spur & flat feet.  I hope to continue walking into my old age, so I'm glad I went.  I didn't get orthotics.  I wasn't hoping for it, but when the podiatrist said orthotics wouldn't help my feet, I was a little disappointed.

Rare Rave Review

Not really.  No reviews at all.  I do write reviews, sort of, for records for radio stations.  & lots of my reviews are raves.  I really dug, for example, the new record by Robbie Fulks & Linda Gail Lewis.  But I don't write those reviews for the public, but for deejays who might want to know what I think the band or performer sounds like, what the record's about, etc.  At some point at WRFL, the management wanted me to share my reviews on their Tumblr page or something, but, again, the reviews were for deejays.  So I didn't share them.

Reviewing CDs is how I got involved in radio, actually.  I saw a sign one day in the summer of 1994 about KVRX, & went to the station & asked if I could help.  I had no intention of deejaying.  The Music Director at the time, a nice fellow named Andrew, gave me a stack of CDs, & I've been pretty much reviewing them ever since.

The first reviews I wrote on sticky labels which were then stuck onto the CD cases.  They're mostly lost to time (unless some of them are still in the KVRX library) but after a while I wrote them in Microsoft Word files & just tapped them onto the CD.  The printed copy is probably long gone, too, but I've saved the files.  Would you like to hear one of my earliest saved reviews, from the summer of 1996?  Here's one, for the self-titled debut of a band called The Tender Idols:

"Like Austin’s Stretford, this Georgia band has a British transplant who's appeared & brought something from his country with him, in music form.  That Stretford guy likes punk & his band is pretty much The Jam in Austin; this limey brought the Stone Roses, the Charlatans, even a little bit of Blur.  He's got a whiney poppy voice, he's got jangly guitars, & if every song isn't about love or heartbreak, they sure sound like that.  So, no, this isn't a very fresh or new CD.  No, it's not a sound that's going to blow you away with its innovative quality.  Heck, it's not even (in the end) too terribly interesting.  So caveat emptor.  A transplant, a little energy, sometimes even a clever lyric or two.  But pop needs a certain ingredient, a voice or a sound that lifts it above the limitations of its genre.  This band sounds like a British pop band.  Maybe, being from Georgia, they think it's their strength.  Whatever."

Okay, I was a bit of a snot back then.  My more recent reviews have less attitude.  This one is from twenty years later, for the long-delayed release of the Robert Bensick CD:

"In the summer of 1975, a Cleveland-based musician & artist named Robert Bensick took some of the city's soon-to-be-legendary musicians (including members of Pere Ubu) into the studio to record his debut record.  It was never released – deemed too uncommercial by record company hacks of the time.  & maybe you can hear why: it’s almost an outsider classic, with hints of jazz, glam (track 11 sounds like a Sparks imitation, complete with a Mael-ist lyric like “Oriental thou art mental”), folk (track 13 sounds like a Nick Drake outtake), Broadway musical (track 11), & outright oddity (really, all of it, but for a sample, how about track 1? or the title track?).  This is a record both profoundly of its time, & amazingly outside of it.  Bensick’s arty side shows through with ridiculous metaphysics like track 9, a spoken word piece, & the Bowie-meets-Yoko-Ono hypnosis of track 14.  Mainly it’s just a fascinating, sometimes unsettling, trip, ambitious but unfocused.  & if I haven’t made it clear, utterly utterly brilliant.  It’s hard to imagine someone being unselfconscious enough to make a record like this today.  Which is why I celebrate it now!  You should too."

Oh look!  This post contained reviews after all!  & whaddaya know!  A rave review too!

This Labor Day Was Spent

...laboring to make an interesting radio show.

But what will make it more interesting I think is we'll have a guest tomorrow, a fellow named Brian who's invited me & Christian (who does the Friday Morning Blend on KNON) to share a record with the Tuesday Night Record Club.  He'll come on the show & he'll play some tunes since he's been so kind to ask me to play music for him & his club.

The Texas Theatre has a link to the event, too.  Should be exciting.

But enjoy your day off.  Just listened to the Tuesday Morning Blend tomorrow & come see us in Dallas at the Texas Theatre that evening!