It was, I think, a while back. I felt as though I couldn't generate real emotion from inside myself. So I would consume things of any emotional nature: music, movies, television, books. Nothing in my life seemed to make my heart race, but I would furiously read a fantastic novel till its end in the middle of the night. Or I would turn an album up & dance stupidly around the room until it or I were done. Or I'd drink a bit too much whiskey - my favorite vice - & watch a particularly meaningful episode of Star Trek & feel all weepy for my fictional friends in the future.
That emptiness, which pretty much defined the 1990s for me, was borne out of heartbreak. It wasn't a happy time, & I myself ended up hurting people thanks to my inability to connect. You can only return a fraction of the affection that one gives to you if you can't actually bring yourself to love. I remember the shock of revelation when I first heard the Divine Comedy song "The Frog Princess" (the video for it is here) & came to the lines:
You don't really love me
& baby, that is all right
'Cause I don't love anybody
I come & go through people's love lives
There's a reason I got through that time - not worth going into here - though I haven't lost the habit of filling myself with the magnificent creations of other people. One reason surely has to do with time itself. No matter what you do, your past fills up behind you. It was much simpler for me to be empty when I was younger because I had barely lived.
& maybe I've barely lived yet, but I've wasted a lot of time trying to live, & perhaps that counts for something.
However, I feel I'm as qualified as anyone to helm a show about emptiness. Now - back to the fake interviews!
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