Whither Plans?

Durn it, I explained the show yesterday! I planned to do it today. I suppose instead I can share with you some quotes about plans.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon sang that, unaware that life had other plans for him.

"Without goals, & plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination." Someone named Fitzhugh Dodson said that. He apparently didn't enjoy recreational sailing.

Lao Tzu, on the other hand, said, "A good traveler has no fixed plans, & is not intent on arriving." Chinese philosophers were quite well paid in those days, however, so dawdling wasn't expensive.

One web page tells me this is a "Norwegian proverb": "The lazier a man is, the more he plans to do tomorrow." It reminds me, I have a lot to do tomorrow.

Here's something a snappy politician might have said, "He who fails to plan, plans to fail." Does that include improvisational comedy troops?

I've seen one phrase attributed to many folks, but one web site says that Woody Allen said this: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." It doesn't sound like Woody Allen to me. There's also a more pithy one: "Man plans, god laughs." It's never clear what God does when woman plans.

Will Rogers said, "Plans get you into things, but you got to work your way out." Seems sensible enough.

Horace, the Roman poet so famous he was known by his first name, said, "Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly at the right moment."

Robert Burns wrote, in a poem called "To A Mouse," "The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men/Gang aft agley." It has been translated into understandable words as "The best laid schemes of mice & men/Go often awry." One anonymous snark wrote, "The best laid plans of mice & men are usually about equal." That seems a little insulting to the mice.

Dwight Eisenhower, former Grandfather Of The United States, once said, "In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable." Then he bought the entire country a comic book & some candy.

Bakunin, my favorite anarchist, said, "Anyone who makes plans for after the revolution is a reactionary." Then he bombed something.

There are lots of quotes about plans. Alan Watts, the Zennest westerner of all, said, "No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now." Greta Garbo - who had a pretty large capacity for living, countered, "There seems to be a law that governs all our actions so I never make plans." & trying to be head off the religious at the pass, Mary Daly said, "[The term] 'God's plan' is often a front for men's plans & a cover for inadequacy, ignorance, and evil."

But I leave you with something inspiring, which I almost never do: "Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood & probably will themselves not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope & work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will not die."

Daniel H. Burnham said that. He never noted whether little plans have any magic to stir women's blood. I wonder why.

Preface To Plans: How Plans Change!

It's true, plans change. As the beloved Close Lobsters always said, in a song I shall most definitely be playing this week, "Let's make some plans 'cause they can go wrong." This week's show, if you checked the website as recently as a week ago, was supposed to be "crawl." What happened? Why did the plans change?

It's very simple. WRFL got some tickets to the My Morning Jacket show at Memorial Coliseum in Lexington. Here's the official press release. WRFL doesn't usually do giveaways, as the management has decided that giveaways are not FCC compliant, & although I am in complete disagreement with management, I am a good soldier & will abide by the rules because I love the station.

Furthermore, Self Help Radio has been chosen as one of the shows to give away a couple of tickets for the show. Hooray!

Except, as I thought about it, I could not recall a single My Morning Jacket song about crawling. No matter how much I scrunched my brain. When I became resigned to having to change the show's theme - because how could I give away My Morning Jacket tickets without playing one of their songs? - I thought, "Oh well, change of plan."

Then it hit me - My Morning Jacket have a song called "Master Plan." The show which required me to change my plans could be about plans!

There you go. Listen this week for a chance to win My Morning Jacket tickets. I'll give them away when I play the song - but won't tell you when that will be. Mainly because I don't know yet.

I Feel Guilty I Don't Follow Any Blogs

I'm not even sure I know how to.

You might have noticed that I have a tumblr blog (it's weird to say that on a blogger blog, but there you go) which is mainly just music videos & goofy images, & I've been doing it for a while, & I've amassed an amazing following of two (2) people. But no one on blogger has "followed" this blog, which I've been doing too darn long, & that doesn't really bother me, because I do a radio show that virtually no one listens to, but every time I log on to write some nonsense here, the "dashboard" of this blog tells me, "You are not currently following any blogs."

I feel like I should, that admitting that I am not following any blogs (I don't even read this one!) is basically confessing that I am missing out on some interesting stuff here in the blogosphere, if they still call it that. You're a loser, Charlie Brown!

I'd ask for recommendations from you, but virtually no one reads this blog, which is also probably why no one "follows" it. Ergo, it would probably be unlikely for someone to recommend anything to me. I'd get more feedback just asking around at a restaurant. (To be fair, the blogger folk do sometimes present in a sidebar "blogs to watch" or some sort of thing like that, but I never look at it. So I'd probably not really follow up. Pathetic.)

"What's the weather like in Minneapolis?" my wife just asked me. I must look up the answer, &, relieved, my mind goes off to another task.

Almost (But Not Quite) A Star

No, I will never be a star. I will never have my name in front of er whatever place the Hollywood Walk Of Fame is in front of. I will never tell prepared stories to Larry Leno or Brian O'Letterman. Never will I sit on the couch of the rich & famous & say "No more cocaine for me thank you!" I will never be able to run for governor of California or Greece. This is my lot in life. I accept it.

I can however do a show about stars & stardom & so I did. Did I secretly think it would make me a star? Did I think I could finally relate to that Cat Stevens song? No, not that Cat Stevens song. The other one. Right. Maybe I did. So what? I had had too much benadryl on the rocks & the pizza man didn't have the right toppings in the right order. I can maybe be excused but I will never forgive.

You can listen to last night's show - maybe it will make you a star? - at self help radio dot net. The show is, as always, divided in two so you can share with your friend. Part one can be accessed here, while part two has been conveniently placed here. The songs in which part are below.

I need so much sleep now.

(part one)
"Star" David Bowie _The Rise & Fall Of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars_
"Teenage Pop Star" Barcelona _Transhuman Revolution_
"Moviestar" Stereo Total _Stereo Total_

"Pop Star" Cat Stevens _Mona Bone Jakon_
"So You Want To Be A Rock & Roll Star" The Move _Shazam!_
"Rock Star" Bearded Lady _Velvet Tinmine_
"Video Killed The Radio Star" Bruce Woolley & The Camera Club _English Garden_
"Superstar" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Ruin Johnny's Bar Mitzvah_

"Superstar (Remember How You Got Where You Are)" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_
"Superstar Talking Blues" Edwyn Collins _Home Again_
"Superstar In France" Lambchop _Thriller_

(part two)
"Nicky" Momus _Circus Maximus_
"Rockstar" That Dog _Totally Crushed Out_

"Child Star" Tyrannosaurus Rex _The Definitive Tyrannosaurus Rex_
"Child Star" Unicorns _Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?_
"Golden Lights" The Smiths _Louder Than Bombs_
"You'll Never Be A Star" Shy Camp _You'll Never Be A Star_

"The Stars Of Track & Field" Belle & Sebastian _If You're Feeling Sinister_
"Rock Star" Bran Van 3000 _Discosis_
"Stars" Halftime Oranges _Rotterdamnation_

What?!? Five Hours Of Radio Tonight!?!

Of course, the radio (at least WRFL - I can't speak for stations I don't listen to) is on twenty-four hours a day, so I am not implying that there's only going to be five hours of radio tonight. I meant I will be on the radio five hours tonight. It should be fun if only to see if I unravel after hour four.

I will be subbing the excellent Subset, WRFL's dubstep show, from 10 to midnight, & then Self Help Radio is on at midnight till 1:30, & Sugar Substitute will be on from 1:30 to 3, when the lovely 3am deejay, Marshall, will arrive in time to watch the paramedics try to revive me.

You can listen, Lexingtonian, on the fm dial at 88.1; you can listen, citizen of the rest of the world, online at wrfl.fm. I will archive my regular shows at the SHR website tomorrow.

Oops, I forgot to nap today!

Whither Stars?

A thunderstorm rages through Kentucky. Sitting in his tiny den, a deejay for a college/community radio station - who will never himself be a star - prepares a radio show about stars.

But does he dream of being a star? Does he dream of reaching the widest possible audience? Does he dream of being feted by the cognoscenti, the rich, the powerful?

Or is he just simply standing at the window watching the storm?

OH COME ON.

You'd think a dude that likes to be on the radio would also want to be some kind of star, like other famous people on the radio, like that Robert Dylan guy who also did a kind of theme show; or maybe Casey Kasem, who was also allowed to be the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo; or what about Doctor Demento; or how about that Benn Gleck guy who pretends to be insane on the air. Maybe those are his idols, maybe he dreams of Self Help Radio being nationally syndicated, talked about, turned into a sitcom or maybe a movie directed by David Fincher.

No, no, he's staring at the rain while listening to music.

Well, he can do a radio show about stars, but we all know why he'll never be a star!

Preface To "Stars": Harrrumph!

Dear Self Help Radio if that's your real name,

I am an imaginary listener & long time reader of this blog (I was reading it long before you started writing it) & I noted with interest your self-serving blog post of March 21 in which you said & I quote:

"Lots of people - not enough, but a lot - make requests for themes for me to explore on the show. I might have previously complained about the more obvious themes people have suggested - songs about rain or cars or nouns - but I can't find a blog entry grumbling about it so I must have done it in private with you. Don't you remember?"

I therefore find it ironic that this week's show is something as "more obvious" as stars. Stars! You couldn't pick one star, like Aldebaran or Betelgeuse or Canopus (oh yeah, I have a star name for every letter of the alphabet!), could you, because that's HARD.

You are a hypocrite & you owe me forty dollars.

Love,
Your faithful listener,
Mom's friend Edie

Dear Mom's friend Edie,

Self Help Radio is not my real name. It was what the cruel kids at school told the cool kids at school to call me at school. Thank you for not existing, which must give you lots of time to listen to my radio show. Many people make the smarter decision to ignore the show's existence, but perhaps it's because they have existence themselves.

One of the reasons I have this blog is to explain the themes in case they don't seem self-evident. This week's theme does require some explanation. The show is not about stars, meaning "massive, luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity." Therefore I am not looking for songs about Deneb, Eltanin, or Fomalhaut (I too enjoy alphabetizing stars). No, it's the sort of star defined as "a person who has holds a high degree of recognition in a society or culture." I could have used "celebrity." I probably should have. However, it did encourage you to write, & that pleases me.

I do however still owe you forty dollars. Will you take a gift card?

Yours sincerely,
Self Help Radio

Extra! Not At All Funky!

Ooo, I forgot to tell you, I finished March's Self Help Radio Extra on the very last day of March! This is no April Fool! (Well, I am an April Fool. But I'm not lying. You can check by clicking the link above.) It includes new stuff from the Brutes, Zoey Van Goey, Acrylics, Those Dancing Days & more, plus older stuff that just popped into my head because I had been listening to it recently. It's one big mp3 mixed so you don't have to. & like the title says, it's not very funky.

But! If you want funk! I'll be on WRFL tonight from midnight to 3am Eastern Kentucky time (which is Eastern Standard Time) playing funk, which you can listen to on the fm dial at 88.1 in Lexington & the surrounding villas, or you can listen to it anywhere in the world that a computer can scream to at WRFL dot fm. It's not a funk show that I am subbing, but I will be following the hiphop show, so I asked special permission to keep the funk alive into the night.

Listen! Download! Whatever!

That Show's A Rebel!

Comrades! It is time to take action! Or at the very least listen to a radio show!

Self Help Radio celebrated rebels & rebellion this week, rising up against terrible commercial radio - & of course getting utterly crushed, as most rebellions are. Seriously. Look at the list on this Wikipedia page. There have been A LOT of rebellions in history.

The show will lick its wounds & continue. Memoirs of the struggle are saved at self help radio dot net. The playlist for the show is below, & it's in two parts. If you'd rather listen to the show direct-like, you can listen to part one by clicking here & part two by clicking here. If you'd rather plot another rebellion, let me know - I still got a lot of gunpowder left.

What I played is listed below:

(part one)
"Teenage Rebellion" Mike Curb _Teenage Rebellion OST_
"Teen-Age Rebel" Carol Honeycutt _Buffalo Bop - Candy Doll_
"Teenage Rebel" The Avengers _Died For Your Sins_
"Justa Nother Teenage Rebel" The Outcasts _Self Conscious Over You_

"He's A Rebel" Morning Benders _The Bedroom Covers_
"He's A 'Rebel'" Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now! _Fixing The Charts, Volume 1_
"Rebel" Toy Love _Cuts_
"Rebel Rocker" Alan Vega _Collision Drive_
"The Littlest Rebel" The Fall _Extricate_
"Norman (He's No Rebel)" Mo-Dettes _The Story So Far_

"The Rebel Girl" Hazel Dickens _Don't Mourn - Organize!: Songs Of Labor Songwriter Joe Hill_
"Rebel Girl" Bikini Girl _Pussy Whipped_
"She's A Rebel" The Rantouls _In The Village Of Rantoul_

(part two)

"Rebel Woman" Dean Carter _Pebbles Vol. 6: Chicago 1_
"High On Rebellion" Patti Smith _Easter_
"Rebel Rebel" David Bowie _Diamond Dogs_

"The Aging Young Rebel (feat. Ken Nordine)" DJ Food _Kaleidoscope_
"Tinsel Town Rebellion (live)" Frank Zappa _Have I Offended Someone?_
"Rebel Yell" All _Before You Were Punk Vol. 2_

"Good Ol' Rebel Soldier" Bobby Horton _Homespun Songs Of The Confederate States Of America Vol. 1_
"Soul Rebel" Bob Marley _Bustin' Out Of Trenchtown_
"Rebel Song" The Decorators _Rebel Song_

Rebellion Tonight!

Yes, citizens & reactionaries, you can take up arms (at least in your armless heads) against all manner of tyranny this fine evening at midnight in Lexington on 88.1 fm WRFL or anywhere in the world (are you listening Africa & the Middle East? Michigan, Wisconsion, Ohio?) on the interwebbing at WRFL dot FM.

Famous rebellions will be discussed, & although most of the them generally don't end well, there will be a general undercurrent of hope coupled with grim determination, which will make it all the more tragic when we're finally mowed down by forces supported by the people who have all the money.

Listen, fellow rebels! Or, if you can't, don't worry, the rebellion will be archived tomorrow at self help radio dot net.

For freedom! For better radio! For better freedom radio!

Whither Rebellion?

(Warning: The FBI have flagged this blog entry as possibly seditious.)

I invite you all to join the Great Rebellion!

(See, we told you - FBI.)

It is time to overthrow all radio that is not Self Help Radio!

(Oh, well, then, maybe not - FBI.)

All other radio should fall simply because most of it is frankly quite better than Self Help Radio! & that makes me feel just awful! My self-esteem is in the toilet!

(Time to put this in the crank file - FBI.)

That will be the first step to the glorious overthrow of other media outlets!

(Maybe I spoke too soon - FBI.)

& then! & then! & only then!

(Yes? Yes? - FBI.)

Only then will my insecurity about my show be assuaged!

(I miss the Mob - FBI.)

Hey FBI!

(Yeah, what? - FBI.)

Want me to say something about declaring war against the Supreme Court or something?

(Well, sure, but you've gotta want to say it. If I make you say it, it's entrapment - FBI.)

I'm flattered you pay attention to my little radio show at all!

(Don't be. I was just demoted. College/community radio is pretty much the lowest a Special Agent can fall - FBI.)

Do you want a caramel?

(Do you have any chocolate? - FBI.)

Always!

Preface To Rebellion: Which Side Are You On?

Rebellion's in the air like never before! What a time to be anti-establishment!

Lest you think I make light of repression & dictatorial regimes, please remember, as an American, I belong to a people who relate more closely to Star Wars than to actual world events. &, as Star Wars scholars* are likely to point out, the rebellion against the Empire was not for a democracy but for a kind of Republican monarchy. & I don't mean Republican like the political party in America. You know what I mean. Even if you haven't seen the last three (ie, the first three) Star Wars movies. & you really shouldn't, they're awful.

I forget what point I was trying to make. Oh yeah. Americans, whose country was formed because of a rebellion, don't really pay too much attention to the rest of the world, & so the recent yearnings for democracy in the Middle East don't quite register as much, since there's a large chance they don't know where the Middle East is. It's East, right? Somewhere in the middle?

If the recent rebellions in Africa could have happened against the Emperor & his main thug Darth Vader, then, yeah! We'd get into it!

Self Help Radio aims to educate, but there's only so much one moderately entertaining radio show can do. At best it can perhaps join in on a zeitgeist here & there.

* If there is such a thing as a Star Wars scholar. & if not, why not?

On The Off Chance

Does anyone ever really find love at the Consumer Design Expo? Even now, in what many have called the 21st century? Our man on the street, Dodger Rails, filed this report:

Thank you, Grimace. The 47th Annual Contumely Design Expo has risen from the ashes of the 22nd Bi-Annual Snake & Knife Show here at the Metropolitan Deranged Civic Center & what a crowd has turned out then turned away today! While the doors opened at 8am, to the dulcet tunes of power-rock band Kansas & their "Dumps In The Wind," retailers' alarm clocks were not set properly for Daylight Savings Time & they arrived late en masse to find confused visitors setting fire to their empty booths. By the time the National Guard arrived, there was nothing more to burn, so the National Guard set themselves on fire. Mayor Charles Clueless spoke briefly to reporters outside his Hairless McMansion:

We express our condolences & deepest prayers to the men & women who were so bravely lost on this, the nightmarish misunderstanding of consequence, & we encourage those who were not able to commit arson today to please return to the new, improved Expo tomorrow or possibly Thursday once the police tape is removed.

But what of the recession-hit people who paid to park in this smoldering parking lot? What happens to them? Their children? Their pensions & pet insurance?

I guess I'm sad, I've always wanted to see the new designs of the new-fangled consumer, but I was stuck in traffic listening to drive-time radio, so I wouldn't have been able to attend anyway. Now can I have my dog back, kind sir?

Reporting somewhat live from outside the ruins of the city gates, this is Codger Nails for High Tone News. Back to you, Grimley.

Last Night's Trip To Outer Space

Yes! Self Help Radio's show about astronauts (astronauts!) is now available online for your cosmic listening pleasure!

Oh, were you not as excited about it as I am? Sorry about that.

Still, if you'd like to enjoy it, it's there for you to enjoy. The show is waiting for you at Mission Control which is self help radio dot net. The show is ninety minutes long, & it's in two mp3s of somewhat equivalent length, part one & part two. The playlist is below. Enjoy!

(part one)
"Apollo XI" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _Sugar Tax_
"Chicken Astronaut" Five Du-Tones _Shakin' Fit_
"Masked Astronaut" The Jet Black Berries _Sundown On Venus_
"Why Go Up There" Tom Glazer & Dottie Evans _Space Songs_

"Space Oddity" Langley Schools Music Project _Innocence & Despair_
"Rocket Man" Fastbacks _Super Fantastic Mega Smash Hits!_
"Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Spaceman" Harry Nilsson _Son Of Schmilsson_
"Cosmonaut" Riff Raff _The Chiswick Story_

"Astronaut" Versus _Dead Leaves_
"Astronauts" Desk _Astronauts 7"_

(part two)
"The Astronauts" Wan Light _Labrador 100: A Complete History of Popular Music_
"I Am An Astronaut" Snow Patrol _Colours Are Brighter_
"Son Of An Astronaut" Butterflies _Butterflies_
"When I'm An Astronaut" Louis Philippe _Appointment With Venus_

"Ghosts Of American Astronauts" Mekons _So Good It Hurts_
"My Cosmonaut" Three Finger Cowboy _Kissed_
"Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer: Chapter 219" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Space Race" Luke Vibert _Big Soup_
"Alan Bean" Hefner _Dead Media_

"A Day In Space" Ballboy _Club Anthems_

Next week's show is about rebels & rebellion. Is there something you want to hear? You can always write an email with requests &/or suggestions!

A Radio Show In Outer Space

Mission Control, this is Self Help Radio, prepared for take-off. Over.

That's right, Self Help Radio will be exploring astronauts tonight as it returns after a week's vacation, & we're hoping for clear skies over Cape Canaveral & a straight shot into the ether. That'll be midnight tonight, only on 88.1 fm in the town of Lexington, but you can track the flight anywhere in the world on the WRFL website in real time. Mission logs will be available for download tomorrow on self help radio dot net.

Is it easy to get drunk in zero gravity?

Whither Astronauts?

Lots of people - not enough, but a lot - make requests for themes for me to explore on the show. I might have previously complained about the more obvious themes people have suggested - songs about rain or cars or nouns - but I can't find a blog entry grumbling about it so I must have done it in private with you. Don't you remember?

For this week's show, the idea came a while back - maybe as far back as three years. My friend Leah, who works at KOOP Radio, & also does a fabulous show called Hip Hop Hooray, suggested that I do an astronaut show at some point before I left - & I left KOOP in 2008 - & I filed the idea away. It took a long time to make it from idear to radio show, but then again, look how long it took to get humans on the moon!

I also think that it's fun that I just visited with Leah in Austin this past week, & I'm about to do the show she requested. It's coincidental, I promise.

So the show is dedicated to Leah, who is, as far as I know, not an astronaut. But I wouldn't be surprised to discover otherwise!

Preface To Astronauts: First Deejay In Space!

An astronaut (from the Greek "astro," for star, & "naut," for sailor) is simply a person who has tried to sail the stars.

You may be surprised to know that over five hundred people have traveled in space. But only 24 have traveled beyond what is called "low Earth orbit," or beyond 100 - 1,240 miles above the Earth's surface. No one from Earth (that we can verify, anyway) has gone farther than the moon.

"Astronaut" & "cosmonaut" are synonyms. Some might disagree, saying that one is a capitalist & the other a communist. That seems so 1980s. Isn't everyone a capitalist now? Even the communists? I thought so.

Plans for a giant dance floor in space have so far not come to fruition, despite the advent of astronauts not trained by governments. Those astronauts are both capitalist & better-paid (probably) (who knows) (I don't really know) than government astronauts. That last sentence, I ought to really just delete it, because I made an assertion that just sort of spewed out my head onto this blog & didn't even make any sense when I wrote it. But having spent all this time - & three parenthetical expressions - talking about it, it seems weird to just give up on it. Kind of like the Space Program.

There are lots of space programs. I don't mean on the television. (There don't seem to be many of those being newly made these days.) I mean run by governments. Here's a colorful list. I hope more people get to go into space, but I'm not sure I'll be one of them.

I'd be scared of transporters, anyway.

A Little Memphis At Night

The title is horribly misleading. I am in Memphis, but I am very tired, having driven from Dallas today (the wife did not drive, unless you count driving me crazy, which she didn't do). I am not going to experience Memphis at night, as I will go to sleep shortly after I write this. I had a lovely vacation that I am sad to see end, & it did not have the major frustrations of the Australia trip, although I did wake up this morning to the wife saying to me, "Um, either someone stole our car or it has been towed."

I was happy to visit with Josh & Scott & Karin & Pat & Mom in Dallas, & with Stacy & Kirk & Mike & Melinda & Joe & Suloni & Marcia & Anthony & Leah in Austin, as well as seeing my dear friends in Bearsuit again after two long years & also meeting Ryan & Ashleyanne in the same city. I am sorry I missed seeing Russell & Chris in Dallas. I am sad that I didn't see Edwyn Collins but I also didn't go looking for him so that might explain that. Though SXSW was happening, & you could tell by the even-worse-than-usual traffic, I deliberately did not look at who was playing where because I honestly didn't have the time to even see all the people I wanted to see.

Tomorrow we'll be in Lexington & life returns to normal which of course means a new Self Help Radio. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed with my own cats once again.

Hi Hiatus!

A hiatus is defined as "a gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break." Normally the phrase is used (at least in my world) as a break between two seasons of a television show, as in "The Bob Denver Show is on hiatus." I am using it as a fancy word that means Self Help Radio will be taking a week off - by definition, it is a "hiatus," although the show really isn't "on hiatus" - for Spring Break. It'll be back on Tuesday the 22nd with a show about astronauts.

You can fill the sadness in your heart as you miss the show by listening to a year's worth of old shows at self help radio dot net. WARNING: do not listen to a year's worth of old shows of Self Help Radio. People will question your sense & your taste.

See you in ten days or so!

A Bagful Of Radio

Self Help Radio had this week many bags on it. So many, in fact, that people felt compelled to come by & either put things in them or look inside them to see if they contained anything. What kinds of bags? There was a comely antistatic bag; some unshaven & surly garbage & trash bags; polite & studious & sporty book bags & tote bags & duffel bags; official-looking burn bags & diplomatic bags & messenger bags; lonesome paper bags & plastic bags, envious of one another, wishing they were back in the supermarket, while some reusable shopping bags put on airs; & there were thermal bags, & money bags who insisted on calling themselves "purses" (the same thing was happening with some small bags who refused to join in the bag frenzy, claiming they were "pouches") & of course some travel bags who boldly declared they either be called baggage or their proper name, "suitcases," though there was no suit inside; sling bags; some air bags looking naked without an automobile or an accident; & a few sleeping bags which I thought were coming on to me.

It was tons of fun & you can listen to the show of course at self help radio dot net. As usual, the show is divided into two parts, & below is the playlist of the show, & which songs are on which part. The individual parts can be downloaded as such: part one & then part two.

Here's the playlist:

(part one)
"Bags" Public Image Limited _Compact Disc_
"Plastic Bag" X-Ray Spex _Germ-Free Adolescents_

"Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag" Minnutes _Pretty Baby_
"Little Green Bag" George Baker Selection _Colossus Gold_
"Bags Of Gold" Jay Jay Pistolet _Happy Birthday You_
"The Bag Hutch" Mr. Show _What To Think_
"Big Black Bag" Ed's Redeeming Qualities _At The Fish & Game Club_
"Fish Is In The Bag" Telephone Company _The King's Surprise?_

"Papa's Got A Brand New Bag (Parts 1, 2, & 3)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Mama's Got A Bag Of Her Own" Anna King _Soulin' Vol. 4_

(part two)
"That's The Bag I'm In" Fred Neil _The Many Sides Of Fred Neil_
"My Bag" Lloyd Cole _Mainstream_

"Carry Bag Man" The Fall _The Frenz Experiment_
"Bag Ladies & Bagmen" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Head In My Bag" Birds With Ears _Youth In Asia_
"I'm Not Gonna Recycle My Paper Bags Anymore" The Symbolick Jews _Confession Time_
"Trick Bag" Artesians _Stomp! Northwest Killers 1960-1964_

"Scumbag" John Lennon & Frank Zappa _Sometime In New York City_
"Scumbag" Jobraith _Creatures Of The Street_
"Mr. Windbag" Derrick Harriot & The Revolutionaries _Reggae Chart Busters Seventies Style_

I am taking a week off to visit Austin for South By Cough Cough but will return in a fortnight with a show about astronauts. I hope you miss me, if only a little.

The Show Is In The Bag

That's a strange expression. Do you know where it comes from? Here's what they say on phrase dot org dot uk:

"An old superstition was revived at the Polo grounds, New York, recently when Eddie Sicking was dispatched to the clubhouse with the ball bag at the start of the ninth possession of one run lead. This superstition originated during the run of twenty-six consecutive victories made by the Giants in 1916, the significance of it resting in a belief that if the bag is carried off the field at that stage of the game with the Giants in the lead the game is in the bag and cannot be lost."

I don't want to let the cat out of the bag, but Self Help Radio's show about bags will air tonight at midnight. Hmm, that's a weird expression, too. I'll bet the Word Detective has a story about it. Yes, he does. What a strange story.

Still, this only scratches the surface of the bags that Self Help Radio will examine tonight at midnight. You can listen on the fm dial at the 88.1 frequency in Lexington, or you can listen online at wrfl dot fm. There will be bagfuls of fun, music, & perhaps even fun. I hope you'll listen!

Whither Bags?

Of all the bags one might hear on Self Help Radio this week, one will not hear about, nor actually hear the sound of, bagpipes.

Here is a picture of one bagpipe with its parts labelled, found on agezine dot blogspot dot com:



As one can plainly see, most of the bagpipe is taken up with the bag. That is all meet & proper.

One cannot plainly see, however, why a radio show about bags is neglecting the most obvious (arguably) musical instrument involving bags.

One bagpipe enthusiast, upon discovering this fact, attempted to organize a boycott of the show, even going so far as threatening an online petition against Self Help Radio (which frankly would have thrilled the owners of Self Help Radio) but his voice could not be heard above the cacophonous bleating of his fellow bagpipers.

Hail the bagpipe! Made your own sad noise, for Self Help Radio has neglected you.

Preface To Bags: Are You Using Your Own Bags?

Here in the - er - I guess it would be "north-east" of Kentucky - Wikipedia just says it's "located in the heart of Kentucky's Bluegrass region" - it looks kind of like it's center-north - I dunno - anyway in this region, the one main supermarket chain is Kroger, though everyone calls the place "Kroger's" as if it's somehow still owned by a friendly dude named Bernard in Cincinnati - which it was - but is now owned by the heir of a company that Kroger acquired in the 80s - anyway, Kroger has that self-check-out section that I kind of like where I don't have to interact with either check-out clerks or, worse, baggage boys. Patton Oswalt explains:



Again, I don't mind. But I do use my own bags. So when I put my bags where the godawful wasteful plastic bags are - seriously, it should be illegal to shop without your own bags - people just can't wait for this planet to die choking on the garbage we're filling it up with - anyway, when I put my bags down, the robot asks me, in a pleasant woman's voice, "Are you using your own bags?" I'll poke "√ yes" on the touchscreen, & then, because I usually have more than one bag, & there's space for four beside the computer, I'll add the rest, but every bag gets the same question: "Are you using your own bags?" After two "√ yes" pokes, a picture of a terrifyingly cheerful blonde Kroger worker appears & the soothing voice tells me, "Attendant has been notified to assist you." (It's also written on the screen in case I am a sociopath who can't hear "soothing" in voices.)

I'll note, it's never a terrifyingly cheerful blonde who helps me. At the Kroger near my house, it's usually an older Indian dude who seems pretty unhappy with his lot in life. It could be that he's an Indian dude in the sort-of center-north part of Kentucky (though it could be worse - it could be West Virginia) or it could be that he's just unfriendly. Either way, he usually walks over to me, gives me a dirty look, & punches a button on what looks like a tricoder. Then I can add other bags, or start checking out.

There's so much plastic out there. I am fascinated by what people call "the garbage island" in the Pacific Ocean, apparently now twice the size of Texas. They say in some places it's ninety feet deep. Here's a picture where it isn't:



Seeing stuff like that should make you take your own bags to grocery stores. Damn it!

One Hit Wanderer

This week's Self Help Radio will be the last one for a couple of weeks - a fortnight - as I take a brief weeklong break to travel to Dallas to see my mom & family, & then to Austin to see a few friends & maybe see a couple of bands, as we'll be there for the first couple of days of South By South West.

The comedian Jeff Sawyer wrote: "Middle Age defined: at a deli yesterday, I found myself trying to see around two gorgeous women to get a look at the food they were blocking." When I think about Austin - while I do want to see certain friends - I do think a lot about the food there. There are some places I'd like to see, but it's really more about the places I want to eat.

Austin keeps growing & changing & when I was there last May (I was also there last September, but only for a short stay) I was amazed at how much was different in one year - two years will probably have obliterated all of my memories. One of the great things about Huntington was that nothing much changed, & the main sort of change you could see was things simply rotting away from neglect & age.

(Of course, things change in a more dramatic way in this part of the world, mainly because of actually having seasons. Though it's still cold in Lexington, the trees have started to bud & soon spring will explode. I look forward to that. Although they do say there's a chance of snow tonight. That's just the way it goes.)

I don't think anyone will miss Self Help Radio if it takes a week off, but it is unusual for me to miss so many shows - I missed two or three weeks in December thanks to the Australia trip, & now this. It just seems rude. Though I could use a good road trip & of course some authentic Tex-Mex. Mmmmm.

All The Answers In Ninety Minutes

You are of course familiar with "the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, & Everything," from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, yes? If not, that answer was 42. The trouble was, (& this is why that answers is so funny) they hadn't really asked the question. They just wanted the answer. (If you haven't read the great Douglas Adams, you can read a discussion about this over on the Wikipedia.)

That's a long-winded way of saying that that's sort of what Self Help Radio was like this week. A lot of answers, not so many questions. In fact, the questions were often assumed in the songs. So, if the song said (as four of the songs I played did) "Love is the answer," you're left to wonder if the question is "What is the meaning of life?" or "What is an intense feeling of affection & care towards another person?" The Four Tops weren't about to tell us!

You can find as many answers as I could find over at self help radio dot net. There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute which, at the very end, guest stars the young lady whose show follows mine. She brought a ukulele to a bar fight - & won!

Please enjoy this week's show full of answers. Next week, we'll have a show about bags, & you can use them to carry the answers away.

Plenty Of Answers - Tonight!

Plenty of answers! Or at least one! What answer? The answer to this question: "How many songs about answers can you fit into a ninety-minute radio show?" People of the world have been guessing that answer for a while, sort of like trying to figure out the number of jelly beans in a jar - but after tonight they will have to guess no more! The answer is forthcoming. & it may well be definitive.

As for other answers, well, it depends on the questions, right?

That's tonight, at midnight, on the radio dial at 88.1 fm in Lexington & the surrounding villas, & available most everywhere on the internets at http colon slash slash www dot wrfl dot fm. I would be happiest if you listened!

Whither Answers?

Q: Whom are you imitating now?
A: Why do you always assume I am imitating someone?
Q: Because you don't really have a style of your own.
A: Is that so.
Q: Yes, & usually you're paying some kind of "homage" or otherwise emulating, if not outright ripping off, some writer or comedian or something like that you've seen.
A: That's not fair!
Q: Didn't you once want to be a writer?
A: I did.
Q: & didn't you find it hard, after every book or short story you read, not to write exactly like the author?
A: ...
Q: Didn't you?
A: ...all right, sometimes.
Q: Didn't you once say that you could never be a musician because all of your songs would sound like your favorite band of the moment?
A: I never said that!
Q: Really?
A: I never did!
Q: I feel certain you're the one I heard say that.
A: It wasn't me!
Q: Sorry about that. It certainly seems like something you'd say.
A: Not at all. I am nowhere near being a musician, so I'd never idly speculate on what kind of music I'd make if I were a musician.
Q: Hmm.
A: Unless it was the catchall "crappy music."
Q: Now you're just being self-deprecating.
A: Does deprecating mean "honest"?
Q: I'm still not convinced this blog entry is entirely original.
A: Of course it's not original! Everything's been done before!
Q: Right, but this particular style, a dialog framed as a "question/answer" session, which really isn't one, but which is rather just a conversation between two people, therefore subverting the format of the "question/answer" kind. I really think someone else has done it before.
A: I'm just surprised you don't know who.
Q: Ah, so you admit it?
A: As long as you don't know who it is, I'm admitting nothing. It's like if I were on a desert island or in some isolated place that had never heard of, say, the Beatles, I would totally sing their songs & pretend they were mine if they got me some prestige.
Q: This is prestigious, mocking me?
A: It has its charms.
Q: You're a fool. I knew all along.
A: You did?
Q: Of course. Donald Barthelme.
A: Damn.

Preface To Answers: There Are No Answers Here

If there are no answers, are there only questions?

What if I wrote an entire blog entry about questions? Wouldn't that be ironic, while talking about a radio show purporting to be about answers? Who uses the word "purporting" anyway? Doesn't it sound a little pretentious?

Who wants to listen to a radio show with all the answers anyway? Aren't the questions what make life exciting? But aren't all these questions here the most simplistic form of questioning, which are yes/no questions? Do you even like yes/no questions? Aren't they the same as true/false questions? Don't you find them too simplistic & irksome?

Do you prefer multiple choice questions? Do you like it when a question is followed by the please, "if yes, why" & "if no, why not"? Or do you dread those kinds of questions? Why or why not?

Is this what people mean when they say "you're just arguing about semantics"? Or am I again just trying to be funny with something too obvious to be amusing? Wouldn't you naturally think of that, making a joke about "answers" by referring to "questions"? Have I taken it too far? Why do I always do this?

Do you know? Do you think I know? Do you think I'm going to surprise you by ending this series of questions with one declarative sentence? Would you find that hilarious?

Why or why not?

Help The Bearsuit Invade The United States!

One of my favorite bands ever is a rag-tag group of fab-fab kids from Norwich, England, called Bearsuit. (This is their website. This is their myspace page. This is their Facebook page.) They're coming to South By South West in Austin in a couple of weeks, & they need a little financial help. It's one of the few investments these days that actually has valuable returns - they get to keep making their wonderful music & can spread the word all over the world!

If you have a shilling to spare, please visit this page at wefund dot co dot uk to help them financially. I have!

I've met them, & they're as nice as their music is amazing. Help Bearsuit establish a foothold in this land!

With Bells On?

I resisted using the idiom "with bells on" - which means, in case you don't know, "eagerly, ready to participate" as in the cliché "I'll be there with bells on!" - all during my show (which did have lots of bells on it) & I am only using it now because I don't want to have to think of any more bell puns. Quite frankly I'm a little tired of bells. I keep making up new churches & what their bells say to the tune of the children's poem "Oranges & Lemons." That's how many bells are ringing in my head.

But! Last night's show was wonderful, & you should & can listen to it at self help radio dot net. It's there, along with last night's episode of Sugar Substitute. It is a small sample of the immense number of songs about bells out there, but not a very good sample of songs with bells in them, since that's not really what Self Help Radio does. Unless I want it to.

The show about bells rings out, calling everyone to it, like a giant bell in the middle of a Medieval village! Without, you know, all the cholera & stuff.

Bells Are Ringing!

To prepare you for tonight's Self Help Radio, which is about bells, please enjoy this odd YouTube video of famous bells in Europe:





Though that's pretty much the show I'm doing tonight, perhaps you'll still want to listen. It's at midnight Kentucky time, on the air in Lexington at 88.1 fm, online all over the world (except perhaps China & any Arab state in revolution) at WRFL dot FM.

Ask not for whom the Self Help Radio show about bells tolls. It's all for you!

Whither Bells?

Wow, there are a lot of songs about bells. Do you know which genre has the most songs about bells? You might guess something like electronica, or maybe jazz, but you'd be wrong. It's doo-wop. FUCKING doo-wop. Doo-wop, you know, defined as "a style of vocal-based rhythm & blues music, which developed in African-American communities in the 1940s & which achieved mainstream popularity in the 1950s & early 1960s." I swear to you, I listened to fifty or more doo-wop songs for this show. I might have more to listen to. I'm not done.

(Incidentally, while we call that music "doo-wop" now, the Wikipedia article I quote above points out that it wasn't used at the time, at least until 1961 or so.)

I thought, as I was listening to all that doo-wop, how interesting it might be to do a radio show - perhaps just one hour - that featured doo-wop, not only of the time, of course, but modern stuff too, if it exists, which I am sure it does. There are probably people who obsessively hoard it, & there are probably doo-wop shows on community &/or college radio stations right now. Why in fact there are!

The doo-wop songs I listened to were concerned with school bells, wedding bells, chapel bells, bells in their hearts, bells bells bells. I don't know if it's the subject matter - marriage, school, heartbreak - or the lovely sound of the word "bell" that made them want to sing so many songs about bells. Or maybe bells were more prominent in their world, in urban centers where doo-wop was born & flourished. The only bell I ever hear around here is from a church a few blocks to the south & frankly it's a bit anemic.

Preface To Bells: For Whom Do They Toll?

For me?

You know the John Donne poem, right?

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

That wasn't the inspiration for this show. It was the inspiration for at least two books - Hemingway's, of course, & I'm sure that someone has called a book "No Man Is An Island." In a way, Simon & Garfunkel's "I Am A Rock" is an answer song for this poem. But it wasn't the inspiration for this week's Self Help Radio.

Instead, I was listening to Phil Ochs a few months ago, & his "cover" of Poe's poem "The Bells." I looked up Poe's poem (you can read it yourself here) to see how well Ochs translated it into a song. I have always wanted to sing "The Raven." Ochs did an amazing job. & then I probably thought, maybe I should do a show about bells.

That's not a great story, so invent something about me being an in old church & a magical bell ringing out for the first time in ages. Perhaps insert a politician or sports hero you enjoy. Don't tell me who, though, because I probably wouldn't know who it was, or if I did, it might horrify me. You can think that's the story.

Also, why are you so afraid of poetry?

The Slightly Odd Return Of Self Help Radio Extra!

I listen to a lot of music, but at times I don't get to do a lot of radio shows, mostly getting one a week during my entire time on the radio. Also, some of the people who appreciate my musical taste don't necessarily want to listen to me yammer on about zombies & robots in-between songs. One simple solution for this dilemma was to make a mix CD for those people, put it up on my website, & call it something like "Self Help Radio Extra." I did that, starting in October of 2007, & more or less continued doing it up until sometime last year. I can hazard a guess why I stopped - I was doing a radio show & a weekly podcast, & then when we moved to Lexington, I was subbing a lot of shows on WRFL. But I had a little time this week & I thought I'd make a mix. For you. Here it is. On the Self Help Radio Extra page.

You may think there's a theme to the mix, but there really isn't. There's a reason it sort of looks the way it does, when you see the playlist, but I'm not going to tell you what the reason is, or why the reason is, or whatever. You can puzzle over it or you can listen to it or you can do neither because you don't care.

Self Help Radio Extra has returned. & you didn't even know it had gone anywhere!

Can You Hear Me Now? Oooomph!

As loud as Self Help Radio was last night, it was nowhere near loud enough to get everyone's attention, & as such, I am going to have to find another way to get everyone to look at me & listen to what I have to say & fall in love with me & think everything I say & do is valuable & adorable. Rats.

You control the loudness, though, so if you didn't catch the show, or caught it but had the volume down too low & need to listen to it again, or simply want to play it as loud as possible to scare all the cats in the neighborhood (or convince them to dance with you), you can listen to it now over at self help radio dot net. It's there now waiting for you to raise its decibels if that's your idea of fun.

Hey! Can you hear me? I'm writing in a whisper! Is it sexy? Or creepy? Or are you waiting for me to tell you a secret? I have no secrets. I'm just whispering to make everyone think I do. It seems counterintuitive but I think you can use an exclamation point in a whisper! It's just a louder whisper! Oh crap, why is it every time I whisper a librarian shows up to shush me?

The Loudest Radio Show Ever

I forgot to mention, with it being Valentine's Day & all, that you can still download the songs from the Self Help Radio Valentine's Day 2011 show, which was about love songs, at this link here. I'll leave the zip file there for a couple more days. Please to enjoy this (late, if you missed it) Valentine's Day gift from Self Help Radio to you.

Tonight, though, on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington, Self Help Radio will be - well, not loud - I mean, as I've said before, you control the volume knob - so it's always as loud as you want it to be - but in its own head it will be the loudest radio show ever. Not because of its volume, or even because it's wearing gaudy clothing (though it will be), but because it's about loudness, & will explore loud in a way that presupposes volume. Or maybe supersedes volume. Or perhaps expands upon volume. Or maybe it would be better if I said it overtakes volume. All of these. Even, perchance, none of these. You know how it is.

That's tonight, midnight, on 88.1 in Lexington & all over the world at wrfl dot fm. It may be so loud, though, that you don't even have to have the radio on to listen.

Whither Loudness?

A decibel is a complicated thing (just read the wikipedia definition) but for our purposes here it is a measure of loudness. It measures power & intensity - in this case, the power & intensity of sound. When we speak to each other, for example, unless we have no indoor voice, we speak at around 60 decibels, or 60 dB. (Technically, it's dB(A), but I am a layperson & I will assume I'm not addressing an audio engineer or other smarty-pants in the world of sound measurement.) How does that compare with other sounds we hear?

The noise of a rocket taking off is 180 dB. A public library when the librarian is doing his or her job, 40 dB.

An air raid siren is about 130 dB. Leaves rustling, 30 dB.

Your typical night club is pretty loud at 110 dB. Your typical office, around 50 dB.

Oh, an important one for radio listeners: "amplified rock music" can be from 110 to 130 dB. A noisy restaurant is 70 dB.

A screaming child is as loud as a lawn mower is an loud as a "passing motorcycle": 90 dB.

You're lucky, though. You can control the volume knob on your radio. Self Help Radio need only be as loud as you want it to be. Some people, it must be said, turn it all the way down.

Preface To Loudness: Ear Damage

While everyone assumes that Self Help Radio is supposed to be listened to loud, it may surprise you that Self Help Radio actually cares about your hearing, & hopes that you do not choose volume over ear health.

What happens to your beautiful ears when you listen to loud music? A borderline literate researcher at the "wikianswers" page says this:

"The waves & vibrations of the music pound into your delicate eardrum, located close behind the hammer & anvil. Sound, which is collected by your outside, visible ear (the pinna) travels through the outer ear canal. Your eardrum then vibrates as well as the three mini bones around it: the anvil, hammer, & stirrup. All named those names because of their shapes. This vibration goes to the cochlea (a snail like spiral), which has many little hairs that have nerve signals sent to the brain. If you listen to loud music, the hairs fall off. & you go deaf."

Yes, friends, loud music will make your inner ear bald. & if you're as old as some of the men behind Self Help Radio, you know that the hair that eventually grows just inside & on your ear as old age embarrasses us more & more is no replacement for the nervy hairs on the naughtily-named cochlea.

Furthermore, if you can no longer hear, how could listen to Self Help Radio? While there is no evidence of an increase in quality from show to show, from year to year, with Self Help Radio, one can always hope, & should you no longer be able to listen, what might you miss when Self Help Radio finally covers your favorite theme in 2018? Could you live with yourself then?

Take care of your ears! Listen to all things at a moderate, pleasing volume. Use protection when you go out to see "rock & roll" bands. Good listeners have good ears. Self Help Radio needs all the listeners it can get!

United States Of College Radio

This is a nice web page: the Best College Radio Stations. It lists the criteria at the bottom:

"Must be non-commercial;
Must be affiliated with a college/university & be (mostly) student run;
Must have a full schedule of freeform programming;
Must broadcast a live, high-quality .mp3 or .ogg stream."

You'll see my station WRFL hovering over Kentucky, kinda alone in the midst of things. You'll not see WMUL, as they don't stream, except for sports programming. You can find my alma mater KVRX down ol' Texas way.

They also have a nice Google Calendar of notable shows. How lovely it would be if Self Help Radio made it on there!

I think the map is really cool, & it's fun to taste the occasional college radio station from time-to-time. It makes you believe that there's a lot of great radio happening, utterly in spite of awful commercial radio. Good for everyone involved! & much thanks to this site's creator!

For You, On This Valentine's Day

Oh you, you, you, my dearest vinyl covering, my darling caramel coating, my favorite cheese! Self Help Radio's Valentine's offering - a radio shows about love songs - is yours for you as I know you would want it - on the internet for all to see - of course at self help radio dot net. But wait! I know you long for nothing more than the mopey lope of my voice going on & on about some trivial inanity - but I adore you so, my chocolate snail, that I have collected for you in a handy zip file usually openable on most computers in the 21st century of all the songs I played on that magical show - plus some I didn't have time to play - because if you love something, you should set it free, & I am setting myself free from the music I play, mainly so I can get some sleep. Self Help Radio's Valentine's gift to you is right here for you, my semiprecious waffle cone, to enjoy when & if you wish. It's only available until Valentine's Day - oh, & while I'm at it, did I mention that last year's Valentine's Day show, about girlfriends, is also available to listen to? I mean, if you can't get enough of me, which I know is highly improbable.

Please enjoy my collection of songs about love songs & also love songs which call themselves love songs, which encapsulates both the meta-ironic side of our relationship as well as our mutual love for painfully obvious things that calls attention to themselves. My flying buttress! My detached megalomaniac! My product of an inspired lapidary!

Valentine's Deliverance

I don't really think much of Valentine's Day - but others do, & so I've devoted several Self Help Radios to it. I am all in favor of love, of course, although I am also grateful I don't have to love so many people. Just the requisite familial love (most of it in neutral, saved for awkward occasions), then the more important friendly love, for my dearest friends, & then at last the love for the wife & our family, most of whom smell doggy, while those that don't, smell a little catty. (I won't tell you which category the wife falls into.) None of them expect a valentine from me. Or if they do, they expect it every day.

But tonight! It's Self Help Radio's annual Valentine's Day show, this one subtitled "love song." I'm sure it's something you'll want to share with your special someone in your life who smells either doggy or catty. Or both. It's on at midnight tonight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & it's streaming from the WRFL website all over the world except maybe Egypt. You should listen.

If you can't listen, I'll archive it in time for Valentine's Day over at the Self Help Radio website. Just follow the trail of chocolate hearts. Or rose petals. I haven't decided yet. I mean, the dogs'll probably eat the hearts, but then again they'll probably eat the rose petals, too. They're romantic like that. Also, beagles.

I hope you listen! I'm dedicating a love song to you!

Whither Love Songs?

Well, I spoke too soon. It's snowing like a mothersnower out there. Gigantic flakes. It's like I'm living in a snow globe.

It's 2011, & I'm doing my annual Valentine's Day show, which I started doing during the first Valentine's Day I had Self Help Radio, which was in 2003. Eight years ago! I've had the same Valentine since then. At the time, if you had said that to me, I would've scoffed. I would've scoffed in your face!

That first show was generic. I decided that, if I were to continue doing annual shows, I should make them somewhat more specific. For example, I have specificized (that's not a word) my Halloween shows. They're not just about "Halloween," although I could do a Halloween show about Halloween, just like I could - & may yet do - a Valentine's Day show just about Valentine's Day. Not yet!

Anyway, here's a rundown of my rundown themes for my rundown Valentine's Day shows:

February 12, 2003: Valentine's Show
February 11, 2004: The LOVE Show
February 09, 2005: The HATE Show
February 00, 2006: No Valentine's Day show - no station (it had burnt down the month before)
February 09, 2007: Valentine's Day 2007 - Crushes
February 08, 2008: Valentine's Day 2008 - Jealousy
February 14, 2009: Valentine's Day 2009 - Boyfriends
February 08, 2010: Valentine's Day 2010 - Girlfriends

I did sort of do a Valentine's song show for my first Valentine's day - but it wasn't comprehensive & I call backsies.

This year's show is a Valentine's Day show about love songs. That's pretty vague, yes? Not really. There are two rules:

1) It has to be a song about love songs.
2) It has to be a love song that calls itself a love song.

For example, the song "Silly Love Songs" by Linda McCartney & Wings is the perfect example of both. It tells you it's about love songs, but also the male Linda in the band sings "Here I go, again! I love you..." to a derivative disco beat that embarrassed even Barry White at the time. I would never play that song on Self Help Radio despite the fact that Linda had once been in the Rolling Stones, her claim to fame, before she tried to kill George Harrison with a melody. Where was I?

One song I may play, in some form or another, is "Lovesong" by the Cure, which is a love song that calls itself a love song, but economizes by making it one word instead of two. I will not play "Lvsng" by the Cur, which is a love song that calls itself a love song, sort of, but economizes by making it one syllable instead of two. Also, the song is twelve seconds long. & it sounds a little too much like frogs fucking. I'm just saying.

Another song I won't play is the corny "Just An Old Fashioned Love Song" by Three Dog Night. Why not, you may ask? It's because I have three dogs & they like to sing that song every night. That, & the Jeremiah was a bullfrog song, every night, like an insane postmodern dog melody that makes every stray & feral cat in the neighborhood howl like there's blood in their stool & all they have is Bill Frist's idea of feline health care. I just couldn't in good conscience play a song like when I know so many kittens are listening.

I still haven't decided what all I'll play so you have time to write me with suggestions. & if you want a Valentine's Day present from me, you should totally 'like' the show on Facebook to keep up with what present I'll give you the day after the show, which will be before Valentine's Day, so you won't be as disappointed as last year, when all the presents I sent were eaten by the staff at every West Virginia post office which is why they're so obese & no one likes them.

We're safer in Kentucky. Unless it smells like bourbon. So I won't be sending that sort of thing.

Preface To Love Songs: A Love Song To Ronald Reagan

Well, not a love song exactly. More like an antidote to the hagiography that has probably infected every little bit of media not swallowed up by the Super Bowl (although there might be a Ronald Reagan parade during the Super Bowl! it's happening in Dallas, after all). (I haven't watched any television today, so I wouldn't know.)

When Reagan died, & the same sort of nonsense happened, my friend Ken attempted a curative on one of his best Ken's Last Ever Radio Extravaganza shows. He called it "The Great Communicator" & it's an awesome reminder of how awful a president he was. Please note: there have been reports of the show inducing nausea in listeners. Don't listen while operating heavy machinery. Or even while driving.

Now I'm off to watch the Puppy Bowl! I am praying there are no Reagan references on it.

Too Many Tabs Open On The Browser; Crash Imminent

I've been up for nearly 23 hours. That doesn't count a small fitful nap I may or may not have had over thirteen hours ago. Recalculating. I have been up for nearly 43 hours.

I can't tell if winter is on its last legs or if it's gearing up for some more sumbitching. It's very hard to say where I am now living. For example, it snowed in Austin recently, & only did that when I was living there once or twice, never sticking around long enough to do anything but panic every driver & give the newscasters a chance to talk about "school closings."

Well, "school closings" in the context of something other than "Republican plans."

I seem to remember snow in late February/early March last year. Seasons are confusing. This is what the now-"classic view" of the
Weather Underground is telling me about the upcoming week:



It's telling that I look forward to forty degree weather. Tomorrow we'll be able to walk the dogs!

We were very lucky that the blizzard that discommoded (or even over-stressed) the midwest & southwest recently missed up by a few miles. But it does look like snow will return, even if it doesn't stick.

Hey, did you know that most weather forecasters deny climate change, while most climate change scientists are in nearly unanimous agreement that it's happening? What do you think about that?

Remaining Seated For The Duration

Well, if you're comfortable, & have assumed your favorite sitting posture, I shall begin. This song, of course, was once sung to the tune of "Scurvy Sue," a popular sea shanty in & around the greater Barbados area.

We're coming home, sit down, sit down,
We're coming home, sit down!
For fuck's sake, Pete, just have a seat
We're coming home, sit down

Are yer sitting down, sit down, sit down,
Are yer sitting down, sit down!
For fuck's sake, Russ, what's all the fuss
Are yer sitting down, sit down!

Yer broke the chair, sit down, sit down,
Yer broke the chair, sit down?!?
Good heavens, lass, yer've got quite an ass
Yer broke the chair, sit down!

Yer broke the stool, sit down, sit down,
Yer broke the stool, sit down?!?
Ye gods Mr. Pratt yer've gotten quite fat
& yer broke the stool, sit down!

There's nowheres to sit, sit down, sit down,
There's nowheres to sit, sit down!
In spite of our quarrels, we'll rest on our laurels,
There's nowheres to sit, sit down!

Yes, I will sit first, sit down, sit down,
Oh I will sit first, sit down!
Yer can do yer worst, but I swear I'll sit first
I swear I'll sit first, sit down!

So sit with me now, sit down, sit down,
Come sit with me now, sit down!
It's gettin' so late so for heaven's fuck sake
Come sit with me now, sit down!

Needless to say, since I don't own the copyright-free rights to the song, I could not perform it with the Self Help Radio All-Volunteer Marching Band last night on Self Help Radio's show about sitting. However, there were many other songs of a less rummy nature, which you can hear if you so choose by go to the Self Help Radio website. The nice thing is, if you're sitting already, you won't even have to get up.

Also, the fiftieth (!) episode of Sugar Substitute aired last night, too!

Don't Get Up!

You can just sit there. In fact, you should sit up & take notice - Self Help Radio's show tonight is all about sitting. In fact, it feels like it's sitting pretty. If that doesn't sit well with you, you don't have to listen - no one's sitting in judgement of your radio show tastes. But if we were having a sit-down, I'd say you ought to sit tight till midnight, because Self Help Radio starts thenabouts on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & is live all over the internet world at wrfl dot fm.

But if you simply can't get out of your chair & listen, I'll put it on the Self Help Radio website tomorrow. I'd just hate for you to have to sit this one out. You know?

Whither Sitting?

Tomorrow, Self Help Radio will remain seated during its entire show. This may be completely unheard of. I can't think of a time when the entire show was done in a sitting position. But so it shall be.

& oh, by the way, WRFL is not known for the comfiness of their chairs. In reality, the deejay booth is equipped with a small love seat (with two moveable "trays" on its arms, both of which are warped so completely they're unhelpful with holding things like drinks or bags), several metal stools, & a strange stool-chair which, some time over the holidays, gained a menacing dark spot on its grey seat fabric which, to all appearances, still seems wet. Sit on that? No thanks!

Yet these are the privations that Self Help Radio will endure to make a show about sitting as authentic as possible. Did you know that Hollywood elites like Tom Hanks, Eddie Albert, & Mike Connors actually appeared on talk shows in which they acted as though they were sitting, but, in fact, were not? Scandalous! Oh sure, they may have said that that was what acting was all about, but the truly great actors, like Obese Marlon Brando & Obese Orson Welles knew the value of sitting. Some have pointed out that, in utter devotion to their craft, they spent their last few years doing little else but sitting.

Self Help Radio's show about sitting is a tribute to their tenacity.

Unless Self Help Radio needs to go to the bathroom, in which case the show will do it during a long song & no one will know but me.

Preface To Sitting: I Won't Stand For This!

Self Help Radio, you know, is weak in the knees. Oh, sure, it appears to have strong calves, but underneath there are weak ankles. It's also, to be fair, quite old. Almost nine. Nine! That's pretty old in radio show years.

Also, Self Help Radio never exercises. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true. It never has the time! It's always doing something, so for it to even go out for a little fresh air is just, well, how could it even pencil such a thing in? Also, it sleeps a lot. At every opportunity. It's napping now! It was too tired to go to bed for the night, so it thought it should have a little nap first.

All right, it's a lazy fucking radio show.

So it's going to sit down this week. If you don't mind. Just have a seat, & sit. For ninety minutes.

Is there a comfy chair nearby? One that maybe reclines? A little bit? Yeah?

Tunisia! Egypt!

On a blog which is unanimously ignored thanks to the complete & utter lack of notoriety of the radio show which it represents, it is often appropriate to suddenly talk about world-shaking international political events just to spice things up. So today, we'll say hooray for the people of Tunisia & good luck to the masses in Egypt.

You heard me! Self Help Radio is taking a stand for democracy! Down with lifetime strong-man dictators! Up with people!

But wait, are you suggesting this is hypocritical? "Hey!" you say, "if you're so all-fired-up for democracy, why isn't Self Help Radio a democracy? Why is a single tyrant in charge? Sure, you say you take requests, but you don't have to play them! For example, I am always requesting Rush songs. Why come you never play the Rush songs I request?"

(Oh, it's this guy. Crap.)

You are mistaken, straw man sir! Self Help Radio has a long & illustrious history of supporting democratically-run radio! Just ask all the people who probably don't remember the show at all at the stations on which it's aired!

You see, you're going about it the wrong way. Self Help Radio itself is like a single unit in the democracy of radio. What Self Help Radio supports is RADIO SHOWS FOR EVERYBODY! Take the airspace! Take the frequencies! A revolution in radio is available all over the dial!

Yes, you can have your own show in which you play Rush all the time. In the Self Help Radio democracy, at least. Probably not in Tunisia or Egypt. At least not yet.

I'm So Over The Underground

Dateline January 26, 2011: late afternoon. Though the previous night had been marked with an interestingly simultaneous rainfall & snowfall, the deejay woke up this morning to a snow-covered city. A cold day, much like most of the winter, with a foul-breathed dog waking him with whines & then, after he had put on his clothes to let the damn canine out, went to his dog bed & fell back asleep.

The intrepid deejay also wished to sleep, but was instead beset by felines begging for morning food. After obliging them, though he was still bleary-eyed & dozy, the deejay was met by not one but three amazingly foul-breathed dogs who demanded their morning meals. They also demanded he clean up after them, outside, in the snow, after their morning bowel movements. Ironically, it was they, & not he, who got treats afterwards.

The deejay found a quiet moment & he attended not to his own concerns, but to the concerns of the hypothetical (as far as anyone can tell) listener of Self Help Radio. With confidence & an amusing lack of technical ability, the deejay edited from digital recordings his shows of the previous night, as well as the show he had subbed the day before. Sleepily he tried to remember his password so he could ftp the files to his server. One of the cats, impatient at his ineptitude, reminded him & then called him a name not printable in a family blog.

His task finished, his files uploading, the deejay looked forward to a small lunch & perhaps a nap in the gray afternoon light. But no! The dogs needed to void their bladders! & he needed to tell everyone that the shows were available online! What else was there to do, but to let the dogs out & describe his life in the uncomfortable third person voice?

Look! This week's Self Help Radio ("underground") as well as this week's Sugar Substitute (pop pop poppy pop) & as a bonus Monday's WRFL electronica sub (makes all robots happy) are available for listening at self help radio dot net. The deejay will see to the dogs & the cats. You may listen at your leisure.

Going Underground

You may need to wait a bit to adjust your eyes, because it's quite dark underground. Granted, I know a place where there are some phosphorescent lichen that you may even be able to read by, but otherwise, we're not taking any lamps or flashlights or torches. We're going to spend ninety minutes underground the way insects & snakes & gophers & moles do. Then we'll come up & eat people's in gardens. Except it's January. The ground is damp with melty snow. What a bad plan!

That's tonight at midnight on 88.1 fm in Lexington or online at wrfl dot fm. I've archive it tomorrow on the Self Help Radio website, but you should listen live, if only to get all that mud & dirt in your hair & to commune with the rabbits who'll be watching.

I may not have time today to put up the electronics show I did yesterday - I'm still working on tonight's show - but I'll make a mention of it tomorrow if I do, & may mention it sooner on my Facebook page. Maybe you'd want to "like" the show there to keep up? It's not like we have to kiss or anything.

Tonight! Underground! You! Me! No kissing! Promise!

Whither Underground?

There's a secret underground fortress near my home which no one, not even me, knows about. Could it belong to the government? Or given to the Tea Party through Medicare? I wish I knew! But I don't even know there's an underground fortress there! It's a secret, even from me.

They do say, though, that it's amazing, & goes all the way to the Daniel Boone National Forest, where it then gets cranky. That's dozens of miles away! So it's not only deep, but wide. & if there were in fact a secret underground fortress (who would know? no one!) it might also be decorated with posters of pretty people with the haircuts you want, like in barber shops. How they would smile! & there smiles would be like fluorescent lights, illuminating the long passageways into & out of Eastern Kentucky.

Journalists would like to know who owns the secret underground fortress, & also who maintains it, since it is rumored to be very clean. Except no one knows about the secret underground fortress, so there's no one they can ask. & although most journalists aren't afraid to just make things up, they are afraid that someone will know they're making things up. & who would believe there was a secret underground fortress near my house in Lexington, Kentucky? People would say, "You're journalists, not sci-fi writers! Come on!"

You might be asking me, how do I know about the secret underground fortress? Have I seen it, since it's near my house? No, of course not! I don't even know it exists! It's a secret, after all. The truth is, I have no idea what you're talking about. Do you know how much money it would cost to build & keep up a secret underground fortress? You would need a lot of gold - like, a Fort Knox of gold. & Fort Knox is like 80 miles away! In the other direction!

The only thing I do know is that Self Help Radio this week is about all things underground. Also, that I will be subbing one of WRFL's electronica shows tonight at 6pm - 88.1 fm in Lexington, online at wrfl dot fm. The studio there is not underground. Not yet.

Preface To Underground: How Low Can You Go?

What is the farthest underground humans have gone? Do you know? Me neither. Hooray for computers!

According to Wikipedia: "As of 2008, the deepest mine in the world is TauTona in Carletonville, South Africa at 3.9 kilometers (2.4 miles), replacing Savuka Mine in the North West Province of South Africa at 3,774 meters (2.3 miles). East Rand Mine in Boksburg, South Africa briefly held the record at 3,585 meters (2.2 miles), & the first mine declared the deepest in the world was also TauTona when it was at 3,581 meters (2.2 miles). The deepest mine in Europe is Pyhäsalmi Mine in Pyhäjärvi, Finland at 1,444 meters (roughly 9/10th of a mile)."

The deepest cave in the world is the Krubera Cave (also known as Voronya Cave) located in the Arabika Massif of the Gagrinsky Range of the Western Caucasus, in the Gagra district of Abkhazia, Georgia. It's 2,191 meters (1.4 miles) deep - & that's its deepest explored point. You can read more about it here.

The deepest I've gone - I dunno - maybe it was the Paris Catacombs. I read that they're a mere 22 to 65 feet beneath ground level, in a space of more than 600 acres, with an official tourist route of about three quarters of a mile, but it sure felt like I was in the bowels of the earth. Maybe it was because all those skulls were also there.

Proof!

Clown Nightmare

I dunno why I want to share a video with you - I never have before - I have a different blog over at Tumblr (selfhelpradio.tumblr.com) where I post music videos that I am liking - but something about this silly gag reel - which doesn't have many gags but contains many images of the commercials I saw over & over when I was a kid - has fascinated me. Do they still make these sorts of commercials for kids, with characters from McDonald's in some sort of narrative form? I hardly ever ate at McDonald's when I was a kid, but not because I didn't like it. My mother didn't drive & there wasn't one within walking distance. I would have, though, mainly thanks to these commercials.

The End Of 1975

Last night, when I did this week's Self Help Radio, which was my favorite music from 1975, I got a very nice surprise. A deejay recruit named Galen came by to be trained. He had been scheduled to be trained the previous night, but had (understandably) mixed up the days. "Come by Tuesday at midnight" usually means "Wednesday morning," not "Monday morning." Technically he was wrong, but the error was perfectly natural & I was glad to help. He was a good guest & I hope he learned something about how NOT to do a radio show from my example.

He also was twelve years away from being born in 1975. I am so old.

The show ran a little long to accommodate very lengthy & awesome singles by Television & Pere Ubu - their first singles, by the way - but you should listen all the way through. The show's at self help radio dot net. It's wearing polyester & it seems to have an itchy nose, because it's scratching at it & sniffling a lot. Weird.

Enjoy!

1975 in 2010

Tonight - in just a couple of hours actually - jeezus I better get ready - Self Help Radio explores the year 1975 in the subjective way that, well, it's the songs I liked from records that came out that year. It's not much of a history lesson. You will not learn, for example, that in 1975:

* NASA cloned the first astronaut to land on the moon!
* Disgraced Richard Nixon spent the majority of the year playing with himself!
* Elvis Presley had something to say & only Las Vegas would listen!
* Someone you know who would never admit to this wore awful clothes & did too much cocaine!
* War raged!
* Words were exchanged!
* A good time was mainly had by people in the so-called "developed" countries, while the majority of the planet lived a short, sad, terrifying, painful existence!

Really it's just about the music. Although I may share stories from when I was seven. Isn't that worth the price of admission alone? Also, the price of admission is free. On the radio at 88.1 fm in Lexington, on the line at wrfl dot fm every place in the world that the internet is on the line.

I'll archive it tomorrow on the Self Help Radio website if you can't listen. But if you don't listen, how will you know why I'll never ask Ricky Gervais to host again?

Whither 1975?

Every year during my birthday week, I travel back in time to play music from my favorite records from a particular year in my life. I started in 1968, & now, seven years later, I have found myself in 1975. I didn't have a blog for the first few years I did my show, since they weren't invented yet (or maybe they were, but I didn't know about them, which is kind of the same thing, isn't it?) so there aren't entries about the first three shows I did. But for the next four, there are!

Here's Whither 1971?

Here's Whither 1972?

Here's Whither 1973?

& here's Whither 1974?, where I quote from the previous three. I will do it again next year until this blog disappears up its own asshole. (Note: there are some who would argue that this happened already, quite a while ago. If they knew this blog existed. Which they don't. You either!)

It was a tolerable year for music - Dylan released his last great record, Blood On The Tracks, for example - but if you look at some year-end lists, you see a lot of bloat. A LOT OF BLOAT. I mean Pink Floyd/Led Zeppelin flavored bloat. Something was going to have to give. & it would. Next year is going to be awesome.

This year will be nice, too. 1975. The century at the three-quarters mark. Vietnam over, Nixon is disgrace. The 70's in full bloom. I wasn't paying any attention to it, of course, but I was seven. It wasn't my fault!

Preface To 1975: New Year's Eve, 1974

I don't remember much about my seventh year on this planet. When it began, I was in second grade, which was a much more comfortable time for me than first grade, because in first grade I proved to be a good test-taker & reader & the powers-that-be wanted to move me up a few grades. That terrified me. Nothing like that in second grade! Still getting good grades, but just one of the kids by then.

I remember my second grade teacher was named Mrs. Chumley, & I enjoyed her class. I seemed to have a few friends, & in the classroom there was a bathroom for one, which I preferred to "men's rooms," which my mother told me were filled with perverts. I didn't want to meet a pervert!

I have two particular memories. One day, I brought all my comic books to class. All my comic books fit in a giant paper grocery bag. I don't know why I did, I just did. Someone probably asked to see them. Maybe they didn't believe I had as many as I said I did. Maybe it was my friend Robbie Spangle. I dunno. It wasn't my friend Dale Smith, who was my best friend in first grade, & who had the best action figure collection I'd ever seen - he told me he had outgrown them. We were no longer best friends.

Also, at some point in the class, someone discovered the word "upchuck," to mean "vomit." For a very short time, until Mrs. Chumley put a stop to it, some of us would say "chuck" every time anyone said "up." As someone generally bored in class, I liked the idea of waiting to hear the word "up" to shout "chuck!" first. But, like I said, Mrs. Chumley told us to stop, so we stopped.

I do know we were probably still living in the Lockwood Arms, an apartment complex which is not call that these days. In fact, it's not entirely there - it was composed of two squares, each "side" with two floors of apartments, with a courtyard in the middle with a pool & a laundry room in each, plus areas for children to play, & at the "corners" were entrances from the parking lot that surrounded the two buildings. The facades faced the street, Kingsley Road. As I said, it's not entirely there - a fire some time ago resulted in one of the "sides" (to be precise, the far left one, if looking at the complex from the street) being demolished. I don't believe there were any plans to repair or restore it; nowadays I'm sure the apartments are government housing for the poor. Which they still have in Texas, for the time being.

The place looks like this now, from the air, according to Google maps:



I never knew the two "squares" were not of equal size. Obviously, the one side that's missing is on the right in this photo. As well, it appears they filled in the swimming pools, which I've seen before in Garland, to avoid liability & upkeep.

Also, the name has changed, to Orchard Square, which is no surprise - it pays to be "under new management" I suppose.



This is a picture of the empty side. What's fascinating about this - why it fascinates me, anyway - is that I'm pretty sure we lived in an apartment in the building that no longer exists. I remember being able to look out the window & see the little row of shops, including my favorite, Z's Pizza - across the way. I also thought I remembered a parking lot, but I don't think there was one after all. There is one now, & people can park where once I laid my head, more than thirty years ago:



We moved - just a block over, to another apartment complex - some time during my seventh year, & I know & remember this because I associate the places I lived with the grades I was in, & I didn't live in the Lockwood Arms when I was in third grade. But perhaps I can reminisce about that next year.

Does The Cat Want Her Medicine?

You knew a cat once, your family had known the woman who owned her, she wasn't a relative, but you visited her enough that she was familiar, wow, she had one sick cat. That woman would say, "Does pretty want her medicine?" & you thought, the stupid cat doesn't want any medicine. It doesn't know any better. But then the cat would actually look better after she got the medicine, & you'd have to wonder, did she know she felt better because of the medicine, did she understand the cause & effect? Some animals did - that's how you could train them.

You were at that impressionable age when you thought every example was the perfect example, when you thought the types you met were the only types that existed. You'd hear snatches of conversation that made absolutely no sense so you'd twist them around in your head until they made your kind of sense. Like that man who made the comment about "the next door over, past the railroad tracks." You got it into your head that a town's limits were circumscribed by railroad tracks. You finally got brave enough to tell your observation another kid & he said scornfully, "What did they use before railroads? Moats?"

You wanted things to go on forever. You got sad when, looking at a map, you saw roads ending, dead-ending or worse, changing names inexplicably. Maybe that's why the cat freaked you out. You kind of thought it would be sick forever, & if it weren't aware of the way the medicine helped it, it would be afraid of the medicine all the time, day after day. That sounded like some kind of torture. But, you know, it couldn't be torture if the cat were feeling better.

You never asked if medicine sometimes didn't work, or its effects wore off. You learned that, maybe, on some television medical drama years later.

The First Tuesday Night Show

Reviews are in! No one listened.

What?!?

Well, no one who reviews my radio show listened. They always wait for me to send promo copies. They're used to freebies.

Hey! I am now giving you a freebie, which is last night's show in its entirety, not including the part where the paramedics had to give me activated charcoal & pump my stomach. (I took a different pill for each song.) (Don't worry, they were all sugar pills.) (In different colors, like in a 64 color crayon box.) You can listen at self help radio dot net. There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute. Surprisingly, it's hosted by a paramedic pretending to be me!

Enjoy listening. Please see possible side effects on the label.

New Timeslot! New Show!

Self Help Radio debuts in its new timeslot tonight at midnight on 88.1 fm WRFL. You can listen online or you can listen live or you can wait until some time tomorrow & I'll put it up at self help radio dot net.

The show tonight is about pills. Nothing terribly specific, just those little things that deliver medicine (prescription, over-the-counter, or illegal) to us. There might be some impressive insights. There might also be some good advice. I think the entire family should listen.

I'm pretty excited. A new timeslot! Wowee!

Whither Pills?

The shocking prevalence & undermining of authority in today's drug-rich environment has chilly echoes in radicalized youth-group professionals from perhaps earlier times. Nowhere is this more exorbitant than the so-called organized lower echelons of contemporary underground middle-class & highly addictive group-think considered over-arching in academic & possibly non-governmental bipartisan think-tank publications peer-reviewed by the leftovers of the field. What makes these impressionable, individualized youngsters suffer so from the audaciousness of hegemonic assumptive "big pharma" protocols, invariably resulting in the catastrophic mendacity of hitherto capricious annihilation of what some have called & indeed the media has invested great time & effort presenting to the world at large but also the mute, alienated American electorate which continues to be co-opted by savage, dispassionate, ultimately deceptive ruling & golden class? Indeed, shouldn't the quotidian, medicated & fabricated youth of this great land of ours, so tirelessly vocal about freedom & savings, whose dependence on foreign-born resentments & what retired military men refer to humorlessly as cavalcades & collages, wouldn't this be the pitch-perfect time that, as the course of human effluvium sets gelatinously into intellectual flotsam & psychological jetsam, so tragically recycled over & over again whether by hyperbole or concatenation, bringing to the fore & also to the aft the consequent & subsequent quintessence of failure, fury & fulsome pessimism? Sorrowfully, but with a glint of the future, we put in the pills we force-feed our progeny the character assassination of both metaphorical & memetic procrastination, the sum of multiplicatives & derivatives we ignored but scribbled salacious slogans upon, our triumphs upended like statues coiled & sun-baked; this, then, is the asymptote of the medicated generation, orange with small printing like a pharmacy bottle, which we purloined as child-proofed, but finally handcuffed, as fin de siècle, patented & trade-marked innovation.