Whither Blondes?

(Found here.)

Do you believe the stereotype about blondes?  Are they naïve, ditzy, downright dumb?  Do they really have more fun?  More fun than whom?  Brunettes?  Redheads?  Baldies?*  Are they innocents whom men use & ruin, or bombshells who prey on men & use their wiles to ruin the lives of others?

These questions may be asked & even more uncertainly answered on tonight's episode of Self Help Radio, which explores "blondes."  Blonde-headed women &, to be fair, also some blonde-headed men.  Who have, it's true, escaped the stigma of the stereotype unless it's combined with something else, like being a model or a sportsball player.  In any event: blondes are our focus tonight.

Invite the blondes in your life to listen!  Share you opinions on the Facebook &/or the Twitter if you're around.  & listen, of course, from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on 93.9 fm WLXU in Kentucky & online at LCR dot org.

Even if blondes don't have more fun, I think radio shows about blondes are more fun.

* Baldies isn't a slur, is it?

Preface To Blondes: One More Blonde Gary Picture

Since you must've loved the picture of blonde Gary from 1988, here's one from maybe 1995, in my office in the computer lab in Batts 232, a space which no longer exists.  (The building's still there, but they gutted it & rearranged the floors.)

There are so many things to say about this photo.

First of all, that's a fucking Quadra I believe.  Holy shit, I loved playing Civilization on that machine.

Second of all, I'm totally rocking the first-generation Talk Soup tee-shirt.  That's from the Greg Kinnear era!

Third of all, my hair is blonde not because I dyed it blond but because I had to bleach it to add some color to it, & eventually because I am lazy the color just faded.

Fourth, I clipped my nephew Josh out of this picture - I'm smiling at him - because he felt it was unflattering.  The photo was taken when he visited that summer & I was showing him my office - the lab to the right in the photo was closed, so the lights were out.

I met someone around this time in person that I had only known online & he reported to me that I looked "like a viking."

Here's A Picture Of A Twenty-Year-Old Gary With Blonde Hair

Pick one:
1) I'm Sorry.
2) You're Welcome.

& yes, as I discussed back here, my left ear is indeed pierced.  I believe I had an ankh in it.

Angular Frequency

This is a very boring post about driving.  I drive to Dallas now to volunteer at KNON more often than I ever drove to Louisville or Cincinnati which were more or less the same distance from Lexington as Dallas is from Fort Worth.  Okay, that's not true.  To get from my home to KNON takes between 45 & 55 minutes in non-rush-hour conditions while it took about seventy minutes to get from my house to the average place I went to in Louisville (say, Queen Of Sheba Ethiopian Restaurant), & about ninety minutes to get to an average place I went to in Cincinnati (say, Mac's Pizza Pub).  So it's not true at all.  Dallas is far closer to Fort Worth than Cincinnati or Louisville were from Lexington.  Not that that is in conflict with the point I was going to make, it's just that I thought Dallas was as far away from me (or as close to me) as at least Louisville was when I was in Kentucky & that's kinda fucked me up for a minute.

For example, I often thought of volunteering at Louisville's low-power FM station, ArtXFM, & was thinking, Hey, if I had done that, it would have been the same as I'm doing now, driving back & forth to Dallas three times a week.  But it would've been a longer commute.  Safer, undoubtedly - except maybe in the winter, & certainly with the exception that I am not at all likely to hit a deer on I-30 in Grand Prairie, while that was always a chance on the entire drive to Louisville.  I had also, during a semester off at WRFL, thought about volunteering at WAIF in Cincinnati - I actually proposed doing Self Help Radio there - that's a story for another time - but I can't imagine driving ninety minutes each way now.

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you been about to say something & then you had the nagging feeling your facts were all wrong or at least somewhat off & so you were like, Let me check those facts, & then suddenly the fact that your facts were all wrong makes you reconsider what you were about to say?  Because that's happening to me now.  I had brunch in Dallas today (at the amazing V-Eats) & I was wondering why I didn't go more to eat vegan food in Louisville or Cincinnati.  The answer now, I see, is that because it was sometimes twice as far away.  (V-Eats, it says, is 38 miles from our Fort Worth home.)  I enjoy driving as much as the next guy (if that guy generally enjoys driving), but that was time away from our animals, & time on the road, which is always inherently unsafe.

Well.  This isn't quite the boring post about driving I was going to write.  It's more a boring post about getting waylaid in the process of writing a boring post about driving.  With links to three restaurants, which seems a little too much.  Plus, when I put my old Kentucky address into Google maps, I saw a picture of our old house, & I miss that house.  I put together six years of radio shows in that house!  My beloved dog George died in that house, & we raised Pauline from a pup in that house.  Our lovely cat Boone followed us home to that house, & I learned how to make passable vegan meals for my sweet wife in that house.  Shit, now I'm getting all sentimental.

Was this post going to be about bad drivers?  I think so.  Who cares anymore.  I am going to live in my memories for the rest of the night.  Excuse me.

Self Help Radio 040517: Diamonds

(Original image here.)

Here are the first few search phrases that pop into Google (for me at least) when I type in the word "diamond": backs, rings, earrings, jacks, resorts, direct, & silk.

Diamondbacks are terrifying snakes but also apparently a sportsball team, so the snakes get short shrift in a search engine game.  Which serves them right!

Diamond rings & earrings make sense, they're popular jewelry items, although it would seem weird to order gems on the internet.  But what do I know.

Diamond Jacks is a casino in Shreveport.  I thought for a second it would be a reference to the jack of diamonds in the card deck, & maybe it is, but probably not.  For the record, I avoided playing card references for this show, thinking there might be a playing card themed show in the future.

Diamond Resorts is a timeshare company out of Las Vegas.

Diamond Direct is jewelry store in Dallas.

Diamond & Silk are Youtube personalities that I have never heard of.

Nowhere was there anything about Self Help Radio's diamond show!  I'm beginning to think that, after nearly fifteen years of doing this show, I labor in obscurity!  Or maybe the show is just a diamond in the rough.

Well, dig deep for something of value & let me know what comes up.  The show is at the Self Help Radio website & the songs played on the show (in its two parts) are list below.  Pay attention to username/password info, on the page.  & be careful!  This diamond show is hard as a diamond!

(part one)

"Diamonds" by Shmu _Shhh!!!!_
"Diamonds" by The Bats _The Deep Set_
"Diamonds" by Lisa Germano _No Elephants_

"This Diamond Ring" by Sammy Ambrose _You Heard It Here First!_
"(Gary, Please Don't Sell) My Diamond Ring" by Wendy Hill _(Gary, Please Don't Sell) My Diamond Ring_
"Diamonds Are For Never" by Adam Quesnell _Can We Afford This Much Despair?_
"Diamond Ring" by Boothby _Homemade Hits Vol. 1_
"Diamond Ring" by The New Basement Tapes _Lost On The River_

"Diamonds Are Forever" by Cinerama _Health & Efficiency_
"Diamond Meadows" by T. Rex _T. Rex_
"Diamond Boys" by Smith Westerns _Smith Westerns_
"Diamonds In The Mine" by Leonard Cohen _Songs Of Love & Hate_

"Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (Takes 6, 7, & 8)" by The Beatles _Anthology 2_
"Glass Diamond Green Roses" by Matthew Melton _Outside Of Paradise_
"Sparkling Diamonds" by Wild Man Fischer _Nothing Scary_

(part two)

"Diamonds & Rubies" by Boycrazy _Foreign Words_
"Diamonds & Coffeecake" by Old Hickory _The Patio Collection, Volume Two_
"Diamonds & Gold" by Tom Waits _Rain Dogs_

"Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" by Julie London _Whatever Julie Wants_
"The Diamond" by Arlene Golonka & Betty Walker _Bob Booker & George Foster Present: You Don't Have To Be Jewish_
"She's A Diamond" by Opal _Early Recordings_
"She's Got Diamonds In Her Hair" by Biff Bang Pow! _Bertula Pop_
"Diamonds" by The Mekons _Natural_

"Diamond Age" by Blue Orchids _A View From The City 1980-1991_
"Diamond Dancer" by Bill Callahan _Rough Travel For A Rare Thing_
"Diamond Shine" by The Clean _Vehicle_
"Rough Gem" by Islands _Return To The Sea_

"Diamond Dogs" by David Bowie _Diamond Dogs_

Whither Diamonds?

(Image from here.)

After a few shows that were kinda challenging - searches for songs about ferris wheels & tails yielded far fewer results than I was expecting - my brain said to me, Hey.  Do an easy one.  Do a general one. Like cars.  Or trees.  Or things.  Or nouns.  Or words.

My brain prefers sleeping to being awake, & would love for me to ease up on the weirdo themes.  Somewhere along the way - probably while humming the song < href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqIHptgTam0">"Rough Gem"

by Islands - I thought to myself, Hey! I bet there are tons of songs about diamonds!  My brain, which was dozing at the time, said, I think words is a better theme. & went back to sleep.

Diamonds it was, then.  But then more problems! When there are too many songs, choices need to be made! & it's a whole other kind of challenging. Do I stick with one genre? Do I span time periods? Do I decide to forgo the more metaphorical songs? Just to spite myself, do I refuse to play songs I love?

You'll find out what I chose tonight from 8-10pm central, 9-11pm eastern, on 93.9 fm WLXU, which is also online, you know.  Come visit me on Twitter, I tweet along.

& remember: radio shows are a diamond's best friend!

Preface To Diamonds: No Jewelry On Me

My mother, who really isn't all that morbid, but who lives with a cracked sense of what she believes is expected from her*, will often talk about dying as if it's something she has any intention of doing.  But old people, you see, must chatter endlessly about it, she thinks, so she will halfheartedly do so.  One of the things she will talk about is who will get her jewelry when she dies.  My sister Pat often angered my mother by pointing out that she, my sister, didn't wear jewelry, so she wouldn't want to inherit it after she, my mother, died.**  This baffled my mother - after all, a woman is supposed to wear jewelry!  & owning it may even be better!

Now I have no idea if my mother has any diamonds nor do I care.  But when I think about diamonds I hear my sister's voice laughing at the idea that she would get from my mother useless trinkets that would just get rusty &/or dusty in a drawer somewhere.  Please note neither of us imagined that my mother's jewelry had any value.  My mother thinks they do, but we never did.

Maybe in the end I've worn more jewelry than my sister ever bothered to sling on out of obligation.  I have worn necklaces, usually ones given to me by girlfriends, & I've worn them until they wore out.  I also used to have both ears pierced, & wore different earrings every day, through most of the 1990s, which reminds me of a story.

Back in the day, there used to be a convoluted code about having one ear or the other pierced***.  The right one meant you were gay, the left one meant you were straight, the middle one meant you were bi - whatever.****  I had this friend named Gary Anderson I knew in high school.  We didn't go to the same high school, we met at a comic shop.  He liked elves.

Gary was pretty effeminate & was most probably gay.  I had no real understanding of such a thing but I liked hanging out with him because he had an active imagination, he liked to draw, & also comic books.  Well, Elfquest.  He liked Elfquest.

Three weird incidents made me think Gary might not be interested in girls.  The first one was, when I slept over one night, he kinda reached down, off his bed (I was on an air mattress), & started stroking my shoulder.  Unaccustomed to this, I simply pulled away, weirded out.  He didn't touch me again, & we never talked about it.  The second one was, when I was showing him my high school yearbook (probably for the tenth grade), he leapt back as if someone had struck him.  "Gary!" he said. "You let boys sign your yearbook!"  I said, "Of course I do.  All the people I know in school are boys."  His eyes wide, Gary asked me plaintively, "Won't people think you're gay?"  The third one was, he showed me, in his sketchbook, some pictures of naked girls he had drawn.  I said, "Ew, why are you showing these to me?"  He said, "I draw them for my friends at school.  It makes them get boners."

We didn't see each other much but saw each other every once in a while*****, & then I went away to college.  At some point in my first year of college, to piss someone off, I got my ears pierced.  My sister Karin took me to the mall, & I handled the first ear well, but when the woman started to pierce the second one, my rebellious brain started thinking, "Someone is punching metal into your flesh," & I got quite queasy.  I almost fainted.

Fast forward to the summer of 1987, & I'm home, wishing I were in Austin, but I'm walking from my sister Pat's house to the comic shop, which Google Maps says is two & a half miles away, but I was cutting through a park, when who should I run into but Gary******.  I hadn't seen him in over a year, & it was maybe the last time I saw him.  Probably not.  Probably the next to the last.

He said hello then looked as gobsmacked as he did when he saw male names in my yearbook.  "Gary!" he said.  "You pierced your left ear!"

(Or whatever ear it was supposed to be.  He didn't notice I had both ears pierced.)

"Yeah," I said, deadpan.  "I finally decided to come out."

"Oh!" Gary said happily.  "So did I!"

That line was a throwaway jibe I used to shut people up who were bothered by such things.  But Gary wouldn't have known that.  & most certainly it was an inelegant way to encourage someone to out themselves as gay to another.

The point is, I had a lot of earrings, but none of them were diamond.  Honestly, I find diamonds a little tacky.

* She gave me this sense, & it takes all my will power to drown those noises out.
** My sister Pat & I talked often about my mother's death & how it might affect us, so it's quite ironic Pat died before my mother.  Tragic, too.
*** Or this may still be true.
**** "Middle ear."
***** If I haven't told you already, remind me to tell you my Gary Anderson astral projection story.
****** He was going in the opposite direction from me. I don't know if I asked him where he was bound, but if I did, I don't remember what he said.  He lived near the comic book shop, so he was pretty far from home.

Oh No I Forgot

To Write Anything At All

In The Blog Today

Hashtag haiku
Hashtag lazy poetry
Hashtag late at night
Hashtag taghash
Hashtag hsahgat
Hashtag palindrome
Hashtag more hashtags than content
Hashtag
Hashta
Hasht
Hash
Has
Ha
Ha
Ha

Big Black X On The Calendar

In a fit of pique, you removed all the inserts & booklets from your CDs.  & you started stapling them to your walls.

I said, "That's going to make a mess when you take them down."

You said, "Who said I would ever take them down?"

I observed that more staples were wasted than actually used as you tried your best to secure the little booklets & inserts to the wall.

I said, "I did that a long time ago, with my albums."

You said, "I can get more on my wall with CD covers than you could with your stupid albums."

I remembered that, because the bedroom I shared with my little brother faced east, & because I liked to have the sun wake me in the mornings, & therefore left the curtains open all day long, many of the albums became faded by the sun.  But I didn't tell you that.

Instead I said, "Do you remember when you were shy?"

You didn't say anything.

I continued, "I was once out with you at an ice cream place & I saw someone I wrote clumsily romantic letters to, & I wanted to introduce you, but you wouldn't move, as though you were frozen in the booth."

You kept working.

I continued, "But the other day when we were at the coffee shop & my co-workers came in, you were very gregarious, asking lots of questions, making eye contact."

You said, not turning around, "What of it?"

I just sort of smiled weirdly.

You said, "I thought so."

I guess I ended up watching you stapling CD booklets to the wall until you got tired & then we just sort of sat there, admiring your work.

Self Help Radio 032917: Tails

(Original image - & you can play the game! - here.)

So many apologies for this week.  I am glad I was able to get the show done in time, but Tuesday night a storm ripped through the Metroplex & we woke up without power, a situation that lasted till Thursday afternoon.  Luckily it hasn't got unbearably hot here in Fort Worth.  But I wasn't able to listen to & live tweet the show like I do, as I am terrible doing such things on a tiny phone.  I hope you at least got to listen.

But if you didn't, here the show is.  My guests are very funny, I think the music is great, &, as always, there's a little of me but you can totally fast-forward - or whatever it's called when you do it to an mp3.

One thing I meant to do is share with you a picture of all the tails in my house, four doggy & four kitty tails, but you know, time, trauma, exhaustion, foreclosure, impudence, diffidence, apathy, ennui, dinnertime - things come up.  Ideas go missing.  A nap seems like a really, really good idea, only you're driving.

With all that in mind, the show is on the website, I hope you dig.  The songs I played are below.  I now have to go unlive-tweet it on Twitter, that's a real weird thing, but I like to tell folks there what I play, even if they look at it & say, "Who's this guy?"

(part one)

"Strange Tales, Strange Tails" XTC _Respectable Street_
"Who'll Tie The Bell (On The Old Cat's Tail)" Rosemary Clooney _Memories Of You_
"Gator Tail" Lee Dorsey _Yes We Can_

"Snakes, Snails, Puppy Dog Tails" Alma Cogan _Scratch My Back (New Rubble Vol. 5)_
"I've Got A Tiger By The Tail" The Derailers _Under The Influence Of Buck_
"In A Mermaid Tail" Po! _Horse Blanket Weather_
"Heads Or Tails" Shannon & The Clams _Dreams In The Rat House_

"Blue Tail, The Red Fox" Tex Ritter _High Noon_
"Monkey With Your Tail" The Cramps _Big Beat From Badsville_
"Salt On A Devil's Tail" Jack Teagarden _Has Anybody Here Seen Jackson?_
"Turn Tail" The Young Knives _Superabundance_

"Shake A Tail Feathers" The Five Du-Tones _Beg, Scream, & Shout! The Big Ol' Box Of '60s Soul_
"Pin The Tail On The Donkey" The Newcomers _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1968-1971_

(part two)

"Pigtails & Freckles" Nat King Cole Trio _The Complete Capitol Nat King Cole Trio Recordings_
"Pony Tail" T-Bone Walker _The Complete Imperial Recordings, 1950-1954_
"Duck Tail" Joe Clay _Rockin' Bones: 1950s Punk & Rockabilly_
"Pigtails" The Impacts _Pigtails_

"Tails In The Woods" Bonnie Leigh _Bridge Of Flowers_
"Blue Tail Fly" Bob Atcher _The Golden Age Of Bob Atcher_
"The Tail's Been Waggin' The Dog" Charlie Walker _Don't Squeeze My Sharmon_
"Poor Dog (Who Can't Wag His Own Tail)" Little Richard _Get Down With It! The Okeh Sessions_

"Whales Tails" Cocteau Twins _Victorialand_
"Polka Dot Tail" Ween _The Mollusk_
"I'll Cut Your Tail Off" John Leyton _John Leyton_
"Born With A Tail" Supersuckers _The Best Of Hootenanny_

"Swaller Tail Coat" Frank Luther Trio _Serenade In The Mountains: Early Old-Time Music On Record_
"Your Shirt Tail's Out" Hot Lips Page _1946-1950_
"Turn My Coat Tails Loose" Hasil Adkins _Out To Hunch

Whither Tails?

How I wish I could write about why this week's theme is "tails." Alas, a big storm knocked out our power last night & I am stuck writing this on my little phone. So - the show is on in a little over an hour - I just wanted to say it'll air on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online at Lexington community radio online & maybe you'll listen. I might not be able to!

Preface To Tails: Who Has The Best Tail?

We all have our favorite tails.  I may be partial to dogs' tails & cats' tails, since they're the tails I encounter most often, but I can't say I don't admire a squirrel's tail or, if I am abandoning mammals entirely, a mockingbird's sleek little tail.  But which is best?

Might it be these incredible tail feathers of birds?

What about all of these tails of different cats?

Or what about puppy dog tails?

Here are a bunch of pictures of monkey tails.

If length is your thing, why not look at this collection of animals with the longest tails?

So many tails!  Too difficult a decision!

It was unfair of me to ask.  But feel free to express a preference!

Found This Online

Apropos this week's show.

A Stray Observation About Alphabetation

For no real reason, I've always felt it made more sense for X to come before W.

Not necessarily right before W, but certainly after S or T.

Of course this would mess up the whole "X, Y, Z" ending of the standard alphabetic recital.  But I don't care.  X, Y, Z sounds fine.  W, X does not.

Perhaps the W could come before the X, but not immediately preceding it.

Maybe the W could come after the M.  M, W, N.  It looks like the M was upturned &, in the process of righting itself, shed one of its outer lines & became an N.

This works for lower-case too: m, w, n.

Not sure whom to ask about this, but perhaps some forward-thinking, rebellion-minded grammarians can take the lead & get this worked out.  It will be much appreciated.

This is the sort of thing I think about when I should be working on this week's show.

Self Help Radio 032217: Smash

(Original image here.)

Another show in the can.  Was it smashing?  How would I know?  There are actors who never see their finished films - Vincent D'Onifrio on Twitter says he doesn't enjoy it, & only sees them if he's forced to go to a premiere.  As time has gone by, I feel the same way about my radio shows.  My biggest problem right now is that I like to live-tweet the shows, & to do so - since the show is prerecorded - I have to listen to it.

& inevitably I think the show's a mess.  But here's the thing: I don't think I can listen closely enough to decide how to improve it.  In fact, I put it out of my mind.  I basically try to do the best I can while I'm doing the show, & then let it go.  Is that the right way to do it?  I don't know, but as time goes by, it seems like the only way I know how to do it.

With that preamble, here's the smash show.  I didn't enjoy listening to it much (well, I liked all the music & I liked the interviews with the funny people who aren't me) but maybe you'll have a better experience.  It's now available for listening at Self Help Radio on the web & the smashing smash songs I played are below.

(part one)

"Smash" The Baskervilles _Twilight_
"Smashed & Blocked" Terry Tonik _This Is Mod, Vol. 2: More Rarities 1979-1981_
"Smash It To Pieces" Cats On Fire _All Blackshirts To Me_

"Smashed (Live)" Mose Allison _Allison Wonderland: The Mose Allison Anthology_
"Smashing Of The Van" Chumbawumba _English Rebel Songs: 1381-1914_
"Smashing Time" Television Personalities _Smashing Time_
"We Had A Really Smashing Time" The Hangovers _Slow Dirty Tears_

"Smash It Up" The Damned _The Chiswick Story_
"Smash You" The Ramones _Too Tough To Die_
"Vision Smashed" Rejects _Messthetics Greatest Hits: The Sounds Of UK D.I.Y. 1977-1980_
"Smash It In Kick It On" Unisex _A Double Agent Compilation_

"Smash Hit Wonder" The King Of Luxembourg _Royal Bastard_
"Smash Hit" The Dining Room Set _Cafe Bleu_

(part two)

"Fish Cakes" Bauhaus _Mask_
"Smash" Calexico _Garden Ruin_
"Smash Palace" Breathless _Chasing Promises_

"Smash The System" Luke Haines _Smash The System_
"Smash The Beauty Machine" Future Bible Heroes _Eternal Youth_
"Smash Your Heart" Cat Stevens _New Masters_
"Smash This World" Papas Fritas _Papas Fritas_

"Smashed Blocked" John's Children _The Legendary Orgasm Album_
"Windshield Smasher" Black Moth Super Rainbow _Cobra Juicy_
"Smash" Wire _Red Barked Tree_
"Smashed Princess" David J _Urban Urbane_

"Smashed" C/A/T _Endzeit Bunkertracks [Act II]_

Whither Smash?

(Image from this Norwegian website.)

Smash! is apparently a Norwegian junk food candy treat.  Google Translate helped me identify its charm:

Sweet, salty, & airy crazy! Smash! combines the best of two worlds. Salty & airy crispy snacks pieces covered with chocolate providing a unique &exciting dining experience. It would be to eat just one!

Oh I'm sure it would be.  Tonight's Self Help Radio, interestingly enough, is also "sweet, salty, & airy crazy."  Not necessarily in that order.

Why is the theme "smash"?  Who knows?  What I do know is that there are far fewer songs about smashing things than I had originally anticipated.  Plenty for the show, but, I mean, after the ferris wheel show, I was expecting an embarrassment of abundance.

The show, which tonight will be entirely in Norwegian (that's not true) is on from 8-10pm central, 9-11pm eastern on WLXU which is at 93.9 fm in Lexington & online at Lexington community radio dot org everywhere else, even Norway.  & it may be smashing, in one sense or the other.  No promises.

Or, as they say in Norway, Ingen løfter!

Preface To Smash: A Bunch Of Pictures Of Hulk, Smashing

Because I am a huge comic nerd, I can't hear the word "smash" without hearing a word before it, which is "Hulk."  "Hulk smash!" is something the monster hero says with enough regularity that I think of it, & it's often parodied.  Here are a bunch of pictures of the Hulk which, while not always containing images of him smashing, are by some of the artists associated with the character.  Enjoy!

Sources: 1 (by Herb Trimpe); 2 (by Jack Kirby); 3 (by Marie Severin); 4 (by Sal Buscema); 5 (by John Byrne); 6 (by Mike Deodato); & 7 (by Gary Frank)

So Weird & Wonderful

As long as I'm recommending stuff...  I found a weird, amazing "bare-handed speech synthesis" program featured on this website, which links to the actual pink trombone app/web page (which looks exactly like the image above).  But before you go there, here's what it is:

"Pink Trombone by Dood.al visualizes an interactive cross-section of the human vocal tract that users can manipulate to simulate speech & other vocal sounds. The simulator produces different sounds based on where users slide the variable positions of the tongue, lips, & hard & soft palate, which can be altered in real time."

It looks like it's been designed to be used on pad-type devices where you can use both hands - on a computer you just get a mouse arrow - but it's still fun to play with, although when I play with it, it's like I'm Dick Cheney torturing some poor bastard just for fun.

But try it!  It's so crazy strange!

Catz

(Image from the movie's IMDb page.)

The wife & I have been getting out to see movies lately, in addition to watching lots of them from Netflix.  In particular, we've gone twice now to Magnolia At The Modern, the arts film theater in the Modern Art Museum Of Fort Worth.  We've enjoyed going so much that my notoriously cheap wife is thinking of becoming a member of the museum just for the film discounts!

Tonight we saw Kedi, a documentary about the stray cats in Istanbul.  I confess that most of what I know about Istanbul has to do with when it was Constantinople, so seeing the images of a gorgeous city full of fabulous people - who happen to care about cats - made me really want to visit.  But even more so, the cats of the city seemed just amazing.

& look, I like documentaries but I am aware that documentaries about animals are almost always going to be heartbreaking.  But Kedi manages something different.  Without giving anything away - at a glance you can see it's a movie about the feral stray cats of Istanbul & the people who interact with them - I will just say there's nothing but a celebration here.  I did want to perhaps hear something about attempts to spay & neuter, because I know that outdoor cats live far shorter lives than indoor cats* but I didn't let that detract from just eighty glorious minutes of clever filmmaking highlighting animals I truly love, even if these probably don't speak any English.

Which is my way of saying, I recommend it, especially if you're a cat lover.  It's still showing all over the country so maybe you'll get a chance to see it, but it'll be on DVD & streaming soon enough.

Maybe I'll tell you about the other films I've seen in this space one day soon.  Right now, like with Kedi, it's all about the wonderful cats.

* Not to depress you, but here's what it says: "Cats who are kept indoors can reach the ripe old age of 17 or more years, whereas outdoor cats live an average of just two to five years."

Self Help Radio 031517: Ferris Wheels

(Original image here.)

There you have it.  A radio show about ferris wheels.  I'm not saying it wasn't a pleasure to do, but at some point this past weekend, I became convinced that I wouldn't have as many songs as I'd like.  As it happened, I had some extras & I had "experts" talking about ferris wheels so it all came together in the end.

There will be a day when it won't.  I know this.

Still, I hope you enjoy the show as much as you enjoy ferris wheels.  That's assuming you enjoy ferris wheels.  I understand there are some folks who don't.  That's to be expected.  Some people don't trust such large, often unwieldy contraptions.  Some people are just afraid of heights.  Some can't stand to be around other people & will never visit carnivals.  But.  The show may have something to enjoy even if you've never been on nor will ever be on a ferris wheel.  & I suppose there are people who enjoy the hell out of ferris wheels who will hate this show.  What am I going on about?  I don't know. I just hope you enjoy the show.  For whatever reason.  Jeez, you got all weird on me there.

Get on the ride at the Self Help Radio website.  You must be this tall to ride plus you will need a username & password, available on the site.  The ferris wheel songs you will hear as you enjoy going up, & then down, are listed below.

Watch your step.  No refunds.

(part one)

"Ferris Wheel" Robert Roe _Toy Robots_
"Ferris Wheel" Pernice Brothers _Overcome By Happiness_
"The Ferris Wheel" The Everly Brothers _The Price Of Fame_

"Sur La Grande Roue" Jenny Adkins _Sur La Grande Roue_
"Carousel (La Valse À Mille Temps)" Elly Stone & Company _Jacques Brel Is Alive & Well & Living In Paris_
"Ferris Wheel" Furnsss _The Ferns_
"The Comedians" Roy Orbison _Mystery Girl_

"Hotwire The Ferris Wheel" Jens Lekman _Life Will See You Now_
"The Ferris Wheel Was Melting" The Bicycats _I Love You For Your Mind_
"Ferris Wheel" Kelly & The Kellygirls _We Love You, But Not As Much As We Love Ourselves_
"Ferris Wheel" The Living Sisters _Love To Live_

"Ferris Wheel On Fire" Neutral Milk Hotel _Ferris Wheel On Fire_

(part two)

"The London Eye" Mark Sampson _The London Eye_
"Don't Look Down" The Divine Comedy _Promenade_

"Ferris Wheel" Donovan _Sunshine Superman_
"Ferris Wheel" The Superfine Dandelion _The Superfine Dandelion_
"Ferris Wheel" El Hula _Hotel_
"Ferris Wheel" Barbara Keith _Barbara Keith_

"Ferris Wheel" Fonvery _Broken Sound_
"Ferris Wheels" I Am Kloot _Play Moolah Rouge_
"Ferris Wheel" Brilliant At Breakfast _Being Verbose Is Easy, Being Verbose Ain't Easy_
"Ferris Wheel" The Championship _Midnight Golden_

"Ferris Wheel" Shiny & The Spoon _Ferris Wheel_

Whither Ferris Wheels?

(The ferris wheel at the Fort Worth Stock Show & Rodeo, which I didn't ride.  Picture taken in January.)

Talking to a friend about my show recently, he said, "You're such a purist."  The occasion was me complaining about there being so very few songs - or I should say good songs - or perhaps I should say songs I like - about ferris wheels.  He mentioned the song "Baby Can Dance" by Tin Machine, in which Bowie sings, "I'm rolling out of the ferris wheel..."  But the song isn't technically about ferris wheels.  My friend, shaking his head (I assume, since we were talking on the phone), made his comment & implied I enjoy making this whole process difficult for myself.  But maybe I like a challenge?

Still, some challenges are more challenging than others, & for this show, I did have to dig deep.  I almost - almost - got to the point where I might have to play carnival songs, but in only one case - you'll hear it tonight - did I find a song that I will play where the ferris wheel wasn't the song's focus - & that's just because the ferris wheel is mentioned a lot.

You don't care about any of this, but it's just my way of saying that I commit to a theme & I see it through.  You will hear that tonight, if you listen, from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington town, & online.  Everywhere.  It's safe!  It's fun!  It's a show about ferris wheels!

Preface To Ferris Wheels: Ferris Wheel Deaths

(Scary story, scary picture! From here!)

Hey, how safe are ferris wheels, anyway?  I mean, things that spin real fast, & things that travel at great speeds along tiny tracks, they seem inherently unsafe.  But a slowly rotating wheel?  Does that do a lot of people in?

This page lists "Ferris wheel accidents & mishaps dating from 2002 to present" (the present to them appears to be 2013).  A lot of these (in case you don't look) are thankfully not deaths, just accidents.  & a surprising number of them are not patrons of the wheel, but workers in the parks.  You can see items like "worker disassembling a Ferris wheel suddenly became pinned between a rail & the drive wheels" & "34 yr old carnival worker electrocuted when he fell & got tangled up in a wire & died."

But don't get me wrong, there are visitor horrors, too.  The worst:

11 year old girl fell over 100 feet to her death

Ferris wheel catastrophe kills five

Ferris wheel collapsed under strong winds & rain killing 12 people

(Who rides a ferris wheel in the rain?)

According to this infographic from the Huffington Post, ferris wheels are the second-most deadly ride in the amusement park.  This astounds me!  While still being relatively safe - I mean, six people died on roller coasters in 2011 - have a look at the percentage of death by ride per year:

27.6% Roller Coasters
20.7% Ferris Wheels, Gondolas, Cable Rides
15.3% Water Rides
13.6% Spinning Rides
22.7% Other Rides

But wait!  Ferris wheels are lumped with gondolas & cable rides.  So maybe they're only the third or fourth most dangerous ride in the park.  How misleading!

If you scroll down to the bottom of that graphic, you'll see the highest G-force on roller coasters & you'll note it's way higher than a Space Shuttle launch.  That's fucked.

One last note: when you're looking around for statistics online, you often come across a weird kind of treasure trove that promises hours of diversion in the future, & that's true about ride accidents dot com.  The web page looks like it was built in 1997, & it seems to have been abandoned in 2012, but wow, what an obsessive collection it is!  Reading it, I have sworn to never go to an amusement park again,

Except tomorrow, you know, for the ferris wheels.

Texas Star

(Image from here.)

This week's show is about ferris wheels, & the one closest to me - well, not now, they apparently only operate it during the State Fair - is the Texas Star.  Because the show this week is about ferris wheels.

But now I wish I could go ride it before the show!

There was a rodeo or something a few weeks ago, & they had a ferris wheel - I took a picture of it, I'll share tomorrow or something - but I didn't go ride it.  I even knew that I'd be doing a ferris wheel show, & I didn't ride it.

I'll look for other Texas ferris wheels in the next few weeks, & mark my words: I'll ride every one!

Potato, Puhtawtoe

My friend Jenny, who probably has the most beautiful voice in all of Kentucky, wrote a song for this week's show that I am happy to get to play.  Spoiler alert: it's about ferris wheels.*  Also, & I read that this isn't remotely how they say it in French, Attention, révélations sur l'intrigue!**  She sings the song in French.

In private correspondence (well, we were texting), she said she was afraid that she may have "butchered the pronunciation."  I responded, "Isn't singing just another way of butchering pronunciation"?***

Whenever I've thought about writing songs, I find myself more or less just singing lines as if reciting a poem.  But my favorite songwriters will wrap & warp words along with the music - so much so I can't understand some of them without a lyrics sheet.  Technically, then, when they sing the word "love" in such a way that it seems to have four syllables, isn't that butchering the pronunciation?

Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't have it any other way.  But there's a science fiction story that I'll never write that has this plot: aliens come to earth after taking decades to learn the language, but misunderstanding leads to tragedy when it's discovered that the aliens learned English from specific songs & the people of United States take their attempts to communicate as a kind of malicious mocking.****

& are there any people whose first exposure to a language was in song rather than spoken?  Doesn't that seem to be something someone should be studying?  Why does music make such a show of mispronunciation?  Surely it's always done that, right?

So many questions for a Sunday night!  I have no answers.  Anyway, I reiterate: I wouldn't have it any other way.

* I know I'm supposed to capitalize the f in ferris wheel but I am not going to do that because even though it's named after a person who built a famous one (not at that time called a ferris wheel), I think it's time to acknowledge that no one thinks the ferris in ferris wheel is a name but just another word like the merry in merry-go-round or the roller in roller coaster.

** The French use the word "spoiler" too, but probably pronounce it, "spoy-lair."

*** I also told her that I thought this was an insight that I didn't imagine I was capable of.  Which may explain me going on about it now.

**** Hey! I just did a Kilgore Trout bit!

Self Help Radio 030817: Maybe

(Original image here.)

Maybe Self Help Radio was on last night?  No, I'm sure it was!  The theme was "maybe."  Or was it? Come on, it's like twelve hours ago!  Who's supposed to be able to remember that far into the past?

Yes, there was a show.  Yes, the theme was maybe.  Yes, there were lots of silly interviews.  Yes, there were lots of songs in which the word "maybe" was repeated many, many times.  Enough to make one less indecisive?  Maybe.  But maybe not.

The show is definitely I'm pretty sure no maybe at the Self Help Radio website.  Maybe you need a username & password to listen?  & maybe those are on the site?  Probably.  Maybe.  For sure the songs you'll hear are listed below.  I know that for certain.  Yes.

(part one)

"Maybe" Moondog _Moondog_
"Maybe" Tall Dwarfs _Hello Cruel World_
"Maybe" The Fastbacks _The Day That Didn't Exist_

"OK Maybe OK" Mega Emotion _OK Maybe OK_
"Maybe" The Three Degrees _Can You Dig It? The '70s Soul Experience_
"A Sex Maybe" Mike Birbiglia _My Girlfriend's Boyfriend_
"Maybe Someday" The Submissives _Do You Really Love Me?_
"In The Maybe World" Lisa Germano _In The Maybe World_

"Maybee" Tania + Holy Worm _Maybee_
"Maybe This Day" Kissing The Pink _Naked_
"Maybe Baby" The Skywriters _The Skywriters_
"Maybe This Song" Bruce Haack _Farad: The Electric Voice_

"Maybe Your Baby" The Dirtbombs _If You Don't Already Have A Look_

(part two)

"Maybe Baby" Buddy Holly _Not Fade Away: The Complete Studio Recordings & More_
"Yes, No, Maybe So" Barrett Strong _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 1: 1959-1961_
"Maybe (Acoustic Radio Session)" The Wonder Stuff _Love Bites & Bruises_

"Maybe" Raindrops _Confidential Doo-Wop, Vol. 1_
"Don't Mean Maybe" Dakota Staton _I Hate Cherries (Serious 50s Female Jivers)_
"Of Course, But Maybe" Louis CK _Oh My God_
"Not Even A Maybe" Television Personalities _Strangely Beautiful EP_

"Maybe You're Right" Cat Stevens _Mona Bone Jakon_
"Maybe" The Submarines _Honeysuckle Weeks_
"You Deserve More Than A Maybe" St. Christopher _Temple Cloud_
"Maybe - Who Knows?" Gene Austin _Fats Waller 1927-1929_

"Oh Yeah, Maybe Baby" The Crystals _Da Doo Ron Ron: The Very Best Of The Crystals_
"Maybe I Know" Lesley Gore _Growin' Up Too Fast: The Girl Group Anthology_
"Maybe Laughter" Dressy Bessy _Sound Go Round

Whither Maybe?

(Clip art from here & here.)

One of the things I miss most about being at WRFL - which just had a birthday, happy birthday to them! - is that I got to do a lot of "fills," which means basically freeform radio shows where I could play music not related to a particular theme.  There were weeks when I would do five or seven hours of radio, & of course only two of those hours would have been Self Help Radio.

Oh boo fucking hoo Gary, I hear you say. Why not just do a Self Help Radio one week that's just music you like?

It's a nice suggestion, & I'm sure no one would care if that happened, but it's not something I've ever really done, so it would feel like I was being lazy if I started now. I mean, the show has covered <a lot of themes, but the truth is, there are so many shows I still haven't done.  In addition to feeling lazy, a show where I just basically played random music would also seem like a wasted opportunity.

What is there to do? What happens when a band I really like releases a song or an album I really like & I want to play it on the radio? How about make a show with a theme based on that song? Well, there's an idea!

& that's how this week's show came about. One of my favorite bands in the world is called Bearsuit, & they don't exist anymore, but three of the Bears have a band now called Mega Emotion & Mega Emotion have a new single called OK Maybe OK that's f-ing brilliant, & so I have made the decision to make a show around that song. Perhaps I should have gone with the theme "OK" - but things really aren't okay - so "maybe" won out.

Which is maybe how it should be.

The show is on tonight (!) on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online at Lexington Community Radio's website - you'll need to choose WLXU. It's on from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, & that's about as specific I can get.

Will you enjoy it? Maybe.

Preface To Maybe: Synonyms

At Self Help Radio, we love synonyms.  Sure, they're not as clever as homonyms, or as brainy as antonyms, but there's a peace & satisfaction to redundancy that it's easy to be drawn to.  Did you know the two funniest sketches in the world of comedy derive a great deal of their humor from synonyms?  Those are, first, the world-famous Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch:



& then there's the Cheese Shop sketch (which I love more than the Dead Parrot sketch) (it's true!):



Sometimes on Self Help Radio I indulge myself (& maybe you) with synonyms.  But I don't know if I'll have time tomorrow to go on about synonyms for the word maybe.  So, thanks to thesaurus.com, here are the synonyms for maybe:

perchance. perhaps. possibly. peradventure. probably. potentially. conceivable. conceivably. credible. feasible.  imaginably. as it may be. can be. could be. it could be. for all one knows. at all.

Most certainly you can think of a funny sketch where someone needs to know something but the person he or she turns to for the information can't be nailed down to a concrete response.  & out come the synonyms!

Now I wish I had written something like that for the show.  Maybe I still can.  But.  Maybe I can't.

This Is My Brain Looking Out My Window

Outside my window - in our new house - the window still doesn't have curtains - there's a sheet tacked up to keep too bright light & a lack of privacy out - if you look out the window I was saying - which I can do if I turn to my right & pull the sheet aside - the wife asked me if I wanted curtains or blinds & I said blinds - I hope that was the right decision - what was I talking about? - oh yeah - if I look out the window, I can see two houses - the houses in the neighborhood aren't exactly across from one another - they build houses quite long around here - so I see - out the window - most of the house across the street - well, all of it, technically - but also some of the house just north of it, on its right - my left - but in between those houses I see a lake - yes, a lake - I'm sure I've mentioned that before - the houses across the street have their own lake.

Actually - only one of the houses owns the lake - the others just use it I suppose - maybe they give a little money to the owner? - I have never asked - in fact - our neighbors have expressed concern that when the owners die - & the male owner  is between 94 & 97 years old - we watched him cross the street one day - we've never met - he was crossing the street to bring magazine to our neighbor to the south - on our right - I asked the neighbor about this, he said the old man brought him his "conservative" magazines - charming! - anyway we were at the end of the street with the dogs & we saw him start to make his way across the street - I guess we were seven houses away - but remember these are long houses - still, we got home before the old conservative gentleman got to the neighbor's front door - & he walked with his cane & his hunched frame through the yard - no time for out-of-the-way sidewalks! - but anyway the neighbors are afraid that when he dies, the whole property will be sold to someone who'll drain the lake & build an apartment complex.

That could happen - or he could live much longer - he has a beautiful house & he owns a damn lake - you know, one of the neighbors - the one to the north of the old conservative man - he told me it was fine to come back to his yard & look at the lake - & I've done it twice - I still feel like I am trespassing - both houses have big back windows for to look at the lovely lake - & there are so many ducks & other fascinating waterfowl - who swim quickly away when I show up - I keep meaning to go to a feed store to buy some goose chow or something - that I feel conspicuous, especially if, let's say, the very old conservative man - who's probably armed to the teeth - this is Texas after all - this is America after all - sees me - he doesn't know me - & thinks I am in fact trespassing - that would suck - I don't need a load of buckshot in my butt - or worse.

Still, it would be better - much better - to just have the lake to peek at through two houses instead of an apartment complex - you know?

Prospects, Part III

Back in this post, about six months ago, I detailed what I thought my chances were at different non-commercial radio stations in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex, & I thought I'd give you a quick update about what's happening in that search.

Every week, I prepare a short (never longer than two minutes each) segment for KFTW - the low-power fm station here in Fort Worth - called the Arts Calendar.  Basically, I detail what things are happening with theater, dance, independent film, & classical music in the city for Thursday, Friday, & Saturday.  I had said that I might do some sort of local show on the station, because they do play only local music, but that "the chances of Self Help Radio finding a home at KFTW are the unlucky toss of a coin."

That turned out to be true.  I obviously met the station's founders & they're awesome & I'm glad to help in any way.  But Self Help Radio can never just play local music, so it won't air there.

I was much more hopeful about KTCU, the college station at Texas Christian University, & I even met with the Station Manager who is also a faculty member at the station.  I thought the meeting went well, & although it was just a volunteer position, he asked me to send him a list of referrals like it was a job application (that's never happened before), & I did.  But I never heard back from him.  When the spring semester began, I wrote again & said I was still interested in volunteering.  But he never responded to that email, either.  Back in August, I wrote, "I think the chances of Self Help Radio find a home at KTCU are pretty good."  I couldn't have been more wrong.

One thing to point out is there's a good show - programmed by a non-student - called Night Skool, which is, like Self Help Radio, organized around a particular theme.  It may be why the person in charge of KTCU didn't want Self Help Radio, or me, although I can't understand why he couldn't have just written & said that.  But oh well.  The station seems very happy with the majority of its programming being automated, & if it's fine with that, I can understand why an eager body wouldn't be welcome.

Lastly, I wandered into the KNON studios in October, asking to volunteer, & was welcomed warmly, to the point that now I help out on some talk shows running the board, & have volunteered at benefits & the like.  & of course I've subbed three shows there.  But the station doesn't really have a process by which one can get a show short of just sticking it out - so that's what I'm doing.  I had written back in August "the chances of Self Help Radio finding a home at KNON are probably very small."  That's not entirely now.  I can't say where I might be in a queue of people waiting to do shows, but KNON has certain "blocks" of programming in which Self Help Radio just wouldn't fit - you know, the show's not Gospel, nor Latin Energy, nor Country - so when spots in those hours open up, as they have, Self Help Radio isn't even a consideration.

But I would hope my contributions to the station, including showing that I do a decent job subbing shows, will be in my favor if a spot that Self Help Radio might fit into opens.  I like the folks there a lot, & I like the station a lot.  & at this point, it does look like it might be the only place in the area that Self Help Radio might land.

As it stands, of course, the show still airs weekly in Lexington on WLXU - something for which I am truly grateful.

Self Help Radio 030117: In The Sky

(Original image here.)

Look!  Up in the sky!  It's a bird!  It's a plane!  Oh wait, it's just radio waves.  & what's worse they're carrying that Self Help Radio show.  What a public nuisance!

Yes, Self Help Radio was in the sky last night, & luckily there were no stray dirigibles around to knock the show about.  Instead, there were lots of songs about being in the sky, there were lots of silly interviews - the same old thing, really, except with some altitude.

The show is down-to-earth again (is that what that means?) at the Self Help Radio website.  Please note username/password information.  See the songs that almost floated away below.

Or was it all just a dream of flying?

(part one)

"In The Sky" Moston & Malente _Ursadelica_
"Sitar In The Sky" Mykej _Bombay Beats_

"Riders In The Sky" Vaughn Monroe _The Best Of Vaughn Monroe_
"Ship In The Sky" Woody Guthrie _Hard Travelin' (The Asch Recordings Vol. 3)_
"Eyeballs In The Sky" Firesign Theatre _Give Me Immortality Or Give Me Death_
"Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" Circulus _Mojo Presents Sgt. Pepper... With A Little Help From His Friends_

"Signal In The Sky (Let's Go)" The Apples In Stereo _The Powerpuff Girls: Heroes & Villains_
"Up In The Sky" The Jean-Paul Sartre Experience _I Like Rain: The Story Of The Jean-Paul Sartre Experience_
"Up In The Sky Sometime" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Rockin' & Romance_
"Spirit In The Sky" Norman Greenbaum _Super Hits Of The '70s - Have A Nice Day, Vol. 2_

"Dancing In The Sky" Moonbabies _Moonbabies At The Ballroom_

(part two)

"Armenia City In The Sky" The Who _The Who Sell Out_
"Flowers In The Sky" Revolving Paint Dream _CD86: 48 Tracks From The Birth Of Indie Pop_
"Castles In The Sky" Blonde On Blonde _ Circus Days Vol. 2 (UK Pop-Sike Obscurities 1967-1970)_

"Castle In The Sky" Gerri Granger _High Voltage: The Big Top Records Story_
"City In The Sky" The Staple Singers _City In The Sky_
"Stained-Glass Windows In The Sky" Felt _Poem Of The River_
"Susan's In The Sky" Bubblegum Lemonade _Doubleplusgood_

"Home In The Sky" Cat Stevens _Buddha & The Chocolate Box_
"Hairdresser In The Sky" Music Seen _The Waaaaah! CD_
"Rain In The Sky" The Delinquents _The Delinquents_
"Star Up In The Sky" Jandek _Telegraph Melts_

"Castle In The Sky (feat Jens Lekman)" Montt Mardié _Clocks/Pretender_
"Owl Cut (White Flowers In The Sky)" Elf Power _In A Cave_

Whither In The Sky?

(Image from here.)

Why a show in the sky?  How often have I been in the sky, anyway?  I'll tell you: I first got on a plane when I was six - I've probably told this story before - going to Germany with my mother.  I was very disappointed to discover there weren't angels & other celestial beings living on the clouds - the seeds of skepticism were sowed quite early in me.

The next time I got on a plane was when I was eighteen, flying quickly down to Austin for college orientation.  I remember telling my friend Joe, who accompanied me, that it was weird that people get used to flying.  He wrote a note that said, "I was the only one on the plane who knew it would crash." He wanted to be remembered as a prophet, although people might have judged him foolish for getting on the plane in the first place.

It was a few years - six, in fact - that I got in a plane again, flying to Germany again.  Since then, I've flown back & forth to Europe twice, flown all over the country, to Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, New York, & flown the longest to Australia & back.  Since I can't really sleep on planes, the longer the trip, the harder to endure.  Flying can be exhausting.

But I don't dislike flying.  My sister Pat hated it so much she didn't step on a plane until she was in her late 50s, & afterwards said she'd never do it again.  & she didn't.  I am not so fearful, but I am aware there's something quite strange in being in a metal cylinder in the sky.  Something unnatural.

The world is too big, & it's weird & sad to not want to go see as much of it as you can.  You know?

As for what's in the sky: I am someone who's always looking up into the sky.  I love that we live on a planet that has a moon.  I love the sun, I love all the stars.  I love clouds & how they create such different light situations, not to mention storms.  I love the sudden unexpected sight of a helicopter, or a kite, or birds, in an otherwise empty sky.  I love that there are things in the sky.

Also I think it's cool that we build things called skyscrapers that are like homes in the sky.  I would love to live in one of them, not for long - I will always assume I will have dogs, & I would hate to have to talk the elevator down from the millionth floor to let them out - but for a time.

Well, let's just settle for a show in the sky.  Okay, not in the sky.  About things in the sky.  But technically, since it'll be sent out in the form of radio waves, it'll be in the sky.  Most of my shows have gone into the sky.  Gee!

It's on tonight on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & everywhere at LCR online, from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central. Don't be afraid of heights!  Listen!

Preface To In The Sky: High Time

Warning: what follows is probably of interest to nobody but the host of this radio show.

In conversation with a friend, once I told this friend that the theme of this week's show is "in the sky," this friend said to me, "Didn't you do a show about skies at some point?"

This is what I'm up against.  I know for a fact this friend doesn't really listen to my show.  In fact, this friend is only vaguely aware of my show, sometimes asking about it in passing just to be polite.  &, I might add, never impressed by the theme.

There's a show somewhat similar to mine in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex, which I enjoy, even if sometimes I don't really like the themes that are covered.  For example, last week, since it came before the Oscars, the show featured Oscar-winning tunes.  Something I would never enjoy - I mean, this won the Oscar for best song in 2017, & I personally find it painful to listen to.  I would rather let rats eat my extremities than subject myself to that (or, I should add, the other nominees in the category).*

When I mentioned the theme to my friend, this was the response: "Oscar songs?  That's great!"

Oh how I often feel like Tantalus!

In any event, I went to my index of themes on my website, & discovered just one theme related to skies, which was blue skies, back in 2015.  I didn't feel like confronting my friend, but it didn't seem to me that the two themes overlapped.  There was not, for example, a song called "In The Blue Sky" which might also be applicable for this show.

But there you go.  Some people are friends despite being mostly disinterested in your life.  It happens.  The bonds that hold you together are older than what you turn into as you age.  & frankly, you just like the person.

In any event, my friend won't be listening to my show tomorrow night.  Maybe you will.

* Of course, you can like what you want to. I don't think my opinion is better than yours.

Another Post Entitled "What I Did Today"

Somehow I thought it would be funny to turn this blog - ostensibly about a radio show - into a kind of mundane diary recounting dumb experiences I had during the day like anyone cares.  It's just that I don't have many experiences, dumb or otherwise.

For example, the best experiences I had today were dreams.  This morning I dreamt I went to a sort of secret party where I saw people I knew but was aware I had to call them by special names.  I sat on a sofa next to John Cleese where I ruined everything by acknowledging of him & thanking him for all the joy he gave me which led to him standing up & going to sit somewhere else.

& when I napped this afternoon, I dreamt I was in a car accident on I-30 - a road on which I am a lot, as I take that route to volunteer at KNON - & it was strange to wake up in bed & slowly realize that I wasn't in a car at all.

Other than that, I spent the day working on my show.

But I do keep a kind of diary.  It's more or less a list of things I've done - nothing interesting like thoughts or philosophizing - it's more a memory aid.  I can look at it & it lets me know things I might have done a couple years ago that I'm sure to forget.  For example, two years ago today, I read:

Woke to find out that Leonard Nimoy died.  He was 83.  Shit.  Ow, fuck.  Sad.

It occurs to me that this blog also sort of function as a diary of a kind reminding me of what might have been happening at some point in time.  For example, three years ago here, when I was writing about the theme split, I began the blog entry like so:

One day I split in two.  Was it mitosis?  Was it meiosis?  Was it youosis?  I have noosis idea.

Ho ho, what a card.

Best I stop a) talking about my life & b) trying to be funny.  Stick to the radio shit, pal!

What I Did Today

Besides driving to Dallas & back & watching the Oscars I mean.

Today was the 16th Annual Mardi Gras Gumbo Party, a benefit for KNON, at which I volunteered.  Seeing as I don't eat any animal products at all, & that the gumbo prepared by I think eight cooks was all pretty meaty, I didn't get to sample any gumbo, but that was fine.  I stood at an entrance, making sure the people who came in that way had wristbands &, if they didn't, I directed them to where they needed to enter.

A fellow on a bike with a big backpack (someone there suggested to me he was homeless) asked me what was going on at the event.  I said it was a Mardi Gras Gumbo Party.  He said, "Can you hook a brother up with some gumbo?"  I told him I couldn't because the cooks hadn't set their stands up yet.  I probably would have, though.  I suggested he come back in an hour but he didn't.

Since it was at a bar, there was drinking; since I had to drive, I didn't drink.  But surprisingly, two women - both smokers, who came to near I was standing to smoke (I was outside) - had in a short period of time consumed a good deal of alcohol, & chatted with me.  I asked them lots of questions & found out lots about their lives.

One of them told me she was a therapist & began to give me therapeutic advice.  She told me she knew why I was volunteering.  75%, she said, was because I believe in the cause of the station; the other quarter percent, she insisted, was because of a sense of obligation.  I told her that first part was probably true, but the other 25% was because I was hoping that, if I put it lots of work for KNON, I might one day get a show.  But I'm probably more selfish than that - it's probably 25-75% the other way around.  She got offended in that drunken way when I joked to a friend that she was psychoanalyzing me.  But at least I got her name!

The other person (who never told me her name) was a chef, a food critic, & one of the judges of the gumbo (it was a competition) (I didn't stay long enough to find out who won).  She complained that she got no protein in her samples, just "rice & beef broth."  She was very nice & very engaging, but when another judge came up to us, she repeated her complaint to him, & was disappointed when he told her he didn't have the same experience.  "One of my bowls," he said, "had an entire crawfish in it.  What're you supposed to do with that?"

The vegan didn't have any response for him.

Self Help Radio 022217: Fate

(Original image here.)

You won't believe it, but this is kind of a neat & special episode of Self Help Radio, if such a thing can be.  Not the music or me - that's the same old stuff.  But I had the notion to come up with an overarching motif that would connect all the funny people who improvise interviews with me on the show for this week.  Since one of my collaborators plays a character, I needed that character to be the lynchpin for the proceedings.  Thus was created (not by me, but by the person who plays Dr. Gently) the Fate's Ahoy Captain Of Your Own Destiny Voyage Of Self Discovery!

Every person you hear on the show came up with their own experience of the cruise, & then Dr. Gently reacts to their experiences, & of course making up some of his own.  I need to repeat: the improvisers had only the name of the cruise & their knowledge of the Dr. Gently character to go on.  I asked some questions, but everything else comes from their own demented minds.

Personally I think it went swimmingly.  We must try to do it again sometime!

As for the show, it's now of course at the Self Help Radio website.  The fateful songs I played on that fateful show have been listed below.  Will Fate bring you to this week's show?  I dunno, I'll leave it up to destiny.

(part one)

"Fate" Gordon Macrae _Kismet_
"Fate" Miaow _When It All Comes Down_
"Fate" Rocket 3 _Burn_

"The Killing Moon" Echo & The Bunnymen _Ocean Rain_
"Cast Your Fate To The Winds" We Five _You Were On My Mind_
"Fate Planned It This Way" Showmen _Crescent City Soul: The Sound Of New Orleans 1947-1974_
"Fate Vs The Impossible!" The National Pep _Citizen Gomez_

"Simple Twist Of Fate" Bob Dylan _Blood On The Tracks_
"I Believe In Fate" Papas Fritas _Buildings & Grounds_
"It's My Fate" The Sweets _Gone 7"_
"Fate To Fatal" Breeders _Fate To Fatal_

"Cheer For Fate" Mt St Helens Vietnam Band _Mt St Helens Vietnam Band_

(part two)

"My Fate Is In Your Hands" Josephine Baker _Exotique_
"It's Fate, Baby It's Fate (with Betty Garrett)" Frank Sinatra _Sinatra In Hollywood: 1940-1964_
"Senior Service" Elvis Costello & The Attractions _Armed Forces_

"Master Of My Fate" American Breed _Pumpkin Powder Scarlet Green_
"Our Fate" The Mourning Reign _Good Things Are Happening_
"Twist Of Fate" Bad Lieutenant _Never Cry Another Tear_
"Orange Light" Latimer House _Hey!_

"Seal My Fate" Belly _King_
"The Fickle Finger Of Fate" Jerry Keller _The Complete Recordings, Vol. 2_
"When Fate Deals Its Mortal Blow" Scientists _Blood Red River 1982-1984_
"Bondage Of Fate" OMD _History Of Modern_

"What Did I Ever Do To Deserve Such A Fate" The Music Explosion _Little Bit O' Soul_
"That's How I Escaped My Certain Fate" Mission Of Burma _Vs._
"Fatal Twist Of Fate" Cartridge _Fractures_

Whither Fate?

(image from the Wikipedia page)

Dr. Fate was a comic book hero who dabbled in the mystic arts way before Dr. Strange did.  Created by Gardner Fox & Howard Sherman, Dr. Fate's powers always perturbed me somewhat - he tended to have whatever spell was necessary for solution of the plot - & his origins were vague enough that there have been half a dozen other Dr. Fates (since the powers come from the helmet, which is possessed by a being called Nabu) since then whose abilities & adventures rely upon whomever is writing the story at the time.  I still think he's pretty cool, though.

But Dr. Fate has nothing whatsoever to do with tonight's show.  Tonight's show is based around the fact that next month I'll be going on the Fates Ahoy Captain Of Your Own Destiny Voyage Of Self Discovery hosted by none other than the Reverend Doctor Howard Gently!  Not only will he be on the show to talk about the cruise, but also I'll talk to three people who took the cruise last year!  Plus, you know, tons of songs about fate.

It's on tonight on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington from 9-11pm eastern time.  It's also on Lexington Community Radio dot org at the same time, which happens to be 8-10pm central.  Perhaps it is your fate to listen?

Preface To Fate: Something I Found Online

There's nothing really to say about the fate show (which airs tomorrow) that I won't say tomorrow, but I did find this cool Youtube collection of the most popular songs from 1840 to 2013.  I confess I am mostly unfamiliar with the songs passed 1990, & have never really heard any of them past 2000 (I thought "Hey Ya" would make it whatever year it came out), but I am really fascinated by the early songs.  Have a listen - enjoy the presentation - it's kinda cool.

It Is My Fate To Write Crappy Blogs

Arrgh, there's no time today, I've been working on my dumb show & living my dumb life so, for your edification & probably revulsion, I have found a very old poem - I wrote it almost twenty years ago - in which I happen to mention "fate."  Enjoy?

Game Theory

stare at life, through the lens that's dirty.  i'm thirty, closing in on

older, wishing for the heart to make my mind catch fire.  moments so mired

in emotion wait, do they, to bog me down.  i'll drown, a better fate, than

slowing to statue in a haze of cigarette air.

let me see, as out of practice as out of time.  i go from salt to lime,

washed throat with alcohol swabbing, spider in a dark ditch.  but which is

which, the heart or the balls, hand to hold or body to bang.  something

someone sang resonates, something someone said i disbelieve.

whatever, i'm kept busy by being kept busy, feeding cats & bathing.  i

don't mind aging, though it's not growth.  no i don't see souls together,

just vases filled with dying flowers yards apart.  my broken heart believes

out of spite, even though so fond of the word "never."

so sign me up, eyes need eyes to make sense of chemical need.  always more

to bleed, always more blood though thin, though fading red.  what instead,

newspaper voyeurism, sexual vandalism, embracing the dirt as the blooms

fade.  no, not today, i want to scare the seconds when my time is up.

Shit, It's Sunday Isn't It?

Damn it, I'm supposed to write something in this blog today.  Well, poops.

Were you listening a couple weeks ago when there was an interview with two guys who started the world's first online dating service?  That was a little experiment I wanted to try.  Two of my funny collaborators, David & CJ, were tasked with telling their side of the story - making it up on the spot - improvising, you know - with no idea what the other was saying!

In fact, I'm not sure the two have ever met each other before - I knew one at KVRX & the other at KOOP.

In any event, I thought it was fun.  They both have distinctive senses of humor & they took their stories in interesting directions.  I thought to myself, what if I did that with all four of my current contributors?

So this week we will.  This week my show will revolve not only around songs about fate, but about a specific event that the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently is involved with, & I'll "interview" three fellows who attended the event last year.

It's going to be fun, I hope, & funny, no doubt.  I kept telling them, "Let's Rashomon the shit out of this thing!"  That's the background for this - all they know is the character of Dr. Gently & the name of his event.  What they'll experience will be entirely up to them & their demented minds.

Does that sound like fun?