Self Help Radio 090617: Guards

(Seriously, these guys are all anyone on the internet thinks about when you type in the word "guards."  Original image here.)

Please enjoy this great, unaired episode of Self Help Radio.  Well, at the very least it was unaired.  & even that seems too generous.

A radio show about guards would be derelict in its duty if it didn't talk about security guards (there's an interview with the dean of the Security Guard School Of America), about art guards (there's an interview with one of them), & about guardian angels (a topic the show's spiritual advisor discusses & expands upon).  In addition, there's a summery set of songs about lifeguards, & something weird happens to me as I am visited by an FBI agent dressed like some kind of guard.  & so many songs.  Why so many songs?  I have a guarded opinion about that.

The show is on guard at the Self Help Radio website.  Please note that, much like being stopped at a guard post before being allowed to enter, you'll need a username & a password.  I wish the password was "swordfish":



But no, the username is "SHR" & the password is "selfhelp."  The shows are divided in two, & what's in the two parts, including the interviews, is listed below.

(part one)

"Border Guards" The Rosebuds _Life Like_
"Changing Of The Guard" The Marquis Of Kensington _The London Look_
"Invisible Ones Guard the Gate" Orenda Fink _Invisible Ones_

"Coast Guard (feat. Holy Worm)" Drug Boyfriend _Coast Guard_
"Coastguard" The Young Knives _Junky Music Make My Heart Beat Faster_
"The Unguarded Moment" The Church _The Church_
"Mon Ange Gardien" April March _All Is Fair In Love & Chickfactor: CF Mixtape 1_

interview with art guard David Fruchter

"Art Guard" Fishboy _Art Guards_
"Standing Guard" Wastrels _Jenner Affair_
"Knocking Down Guardrails" Tina Peel _Pajama Party!_
"River Guard" Smog _Knock Knock_

a discussion about guardian spirits with the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently

"Please Don't Talk To The Lifeguard" Andrea Carroll _Meet The Carroll "Family" Girls_
"What Does A Lifeguard Do In The Fall" June August _Surf Bunnies & Hot Rod Honeys_

(part two)

"Mr Lifeguard (Come & Rescue Me)" Brenda Holloway _The Artistry Of Brenda Holloway_
"I Wanna Be A Lifeguard" Blotto _Hello! My Name Is Blotto. What's Yours?_
"Lifeguard On Duty" Morrissey _Bona Drag_

interview with Security Guard School Of American Dean CJ Buchanan

"Lonely Security Guard" Hayden _In Field & Town_
"Honor Guard" Tobin Sprout _The Universe & Me_
"Traffic Guards" Ronnie Willhoite _The Doorkeepers: A Church Leadership Development Program For Ushers_
"Hopes Up, Guard Down" The Safes _Record Heat_
"Blue Our Old Cell Block Guard" Dale Watson & His Lone Stars _People I've Known, Places I've Been_

surprise visit with FBI Agent Allen Shariaty

"Guardian Angel" Donnie & The Del Chords _Donnie & The Del Chords_
"Guardian Angel" The Children _Every Single Day_
"Guardian Angel" Smack Dab _Majestic Root_
"Guardian Angel" Human Sexual Response _Fig. 15_
"Guardian Angels" Wyldlife _The Time Has Come To Rock & Roll_

"Changing Of The Guards" Patti Smith _Twelve_

Whither Guards?

(A security guard in Santa Rosa, California, outside a Whole Foods.)

Can I tell you, I feel like I've been a little off.  Been a little depressed, been sleeping poorly, been managing my time unwisely.  I think this has been reflected in the last couple of shows, in both of which I make some pretty dumb mistakes.  I corrected those mistakes on the files which are on the show's website, but for those who were listening, it must've been a case of "it's usually not very good but this week it's worse!"

Not that I'm promising this week will be any better.  Maybe just the opposite: I'm warning you that my slump continues.  But things seemed to go more smoothly for me this week.  The proof is in the radio pudding, of course.  I could very well be writing about this again next week.

So, why guards?  I think the idea for this show came about because of an interesting juxtaposition of experiences.  On a Sunday afternoon a few months ago, I was at the Modern Art Museum Of Fort Worth to see a movie.  They have a theater, you see.  My wife had gone to get the tickets & I was wandering around, looking at gift shop stuff.  I noticed that a security guard nearby seemed to be watching me closely.  I looked at him, he looked away.  I looked away, he turned back to me.  That was weird.  I don't think I look like the kind of guy who would grab a bunch of art postcards & make a run for it.  I looked again, he looked away.  The wife called to me & we went to see the movie.

Later that day I was listening to the new album by Fishboy which is called Art Guards & which has a song on it called "Art Guards."  It occurred to me that museums might be a good theme.  But then I thought, thinking about the furtive security guard earlier, that guards might be a good theme.  The idea was planted, & it was time to harvest this week.  You'll hear the results tonight!

Yes, tonight, from 9-11pm eastern on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online as always at Lexington Community Radio Online.  The station has a cool new website, by the way.  I dig it.

Anyway, listen.  Tell me if it sounds like I'm worser than usual.  I can take the criticism.  I'm not at all guarded.  Even tonight!

Preface To Guards: My Own Small Experience In Guarding

No, I have never worked as a security guard.  I've never been employed in any type of security or guarding at all.  Except.  Let me think.

You know, I was thinking about this.  In the Peanuts comic, if I am remembering correctly, there were times when some of the characters got to be crossing guards.  Which means, the people who walked into the road to stop the automobiles from coming through an intersection when children were passing.  If that were something that happened in the past, it did not happen when I was a kid.  Crossing guards were almost always slightly loopy retirees who probably had nothing else to do that day.  Allowing kids to do it would have been crazy.

But perhaps we had hall monitors.  These fucking quislings were students who told on other students who might be trying to cut class or otherwise sneak around, perhaps to go to the bathroom.  I don't remember if my school had hall monitors, but I suppose I would've been glad to be one, anything to relieve the boredom of schooling.  Although standing in the halls pretending to have authority would have been just as boring.  I would not have felt that a sash or a title would have allowed me to tell anyone to do anything.

Probably the one time I ever guarded - or the two times, or whatever - would be whenever I worked the door at some radio station benefit.  In effect, I was a bouncer, which, you must admit, is a kind of guard.  Many times have I checked IDs, looked up will-call names, put wristbands on or stamped hands, all at benefits for whatever radio station I was currently deejaying at.

& if those are experience as guards, then I have virtually no experience at all.  I've never turned anyone away, or tried to cow a disgruntled customer, or thrown my weight around at some difficult situation.  Would I be good at such a thing?  I doubt it!

As for the official guards - the National Guard, the Coast Guard, the Guardians Of The Galaxy - I of course don't qualify for those.  Too old, flat feet, a coward - too many reasons why not.

Anyway, if I were a security guard, it would end up like this poor bastard in The Wire:

Twin Peaks

Back in the day, the late 80s, early 90s, I wasn't what you would call a David Lynch fan.  I suffered through Eraserhead, I was massively bored by Dune, I enjoyed (if that's the right word) Blue Velvet, & I liked Wild At Heart enough, especially because I felt like it encapsulated the themes Lynch was interested in & would return to in his later works.  But nothing knocked me out as much as Twin Peaks*.  It was funny, it was weird, it was terrifying.  There was nothing like it on television, & even in my twenties I knew that meant it was doomed.

My friend Kevin at work turned me on to it - I didn't watch much television in those, my college days.  But I devoured it.  I have the first six episodes memorized.

Of course, the show lost its audience (I remember even some members of my family watched the first few episodes) & the cliffhanger at the end of season two was infuriating.  I was amazed & excited when a revival - a "return" - was announced.

& gosh, was it great!  The past few Sundays have been a joy because of that magical show.  & then last night, the final episode.  Well.  Here's what I said on Facebook:

There are very few television shows that end as strong as they begin.  One of the failings of the first version of Twin Peaks was that it wanted to be a regular weekly television show, which meant it had to add uninteresting plot points to pad episodes.  If American television had the same tradition British television has, we could have had three or four satisfying "series" of Twin Peaks in the nineties, some twenty-four episodes, all strong.  But that's not how it works here.

Some television shows end weakly because they lose popularity.  Some end because they run out of ideas.  & some of them end in such a way they completely invalidate what made them great or captivating in the first place (I'm looking at you, Dexter & Sons Of Anarchy).  None of these really apply to Twin Peaks.

It's been utterly extraordinary how much of a singular (or dual, if you count Mark Front, the series' co-creator) vision this season of Twin Peaks has been.  That's why I can't hate how the show ended.  But I can feel a little betrayed, &, like I said above, resentful.  & this is what I said on Twitter:

That actually doesn't make any sense, but I think I was trying to make the point that no one is really going to understand the series' ending as well as those who made it, although there's a lotta discussion today on the interwebs about that.  Which is fine, discuss away.  I just wish there had been some resolution, instead of an open-ended, open-to-interpretation fade to black.  I am very unhappy about it, although I again stress it hasn't affected the overall experience enough for me to change my love to disgust.

What I am going to do is pretend it ended somewhere in the middle of the 17th episode & the rest doesn't really count.  It's kind of like the comic book Daredevil at the end of the "Born Again" storyline, or the comic Swamp Thing after Alan Moore left.  The endings of those were so satisfying that the comics should've stopped there, or at least been allowed to rest for a few years.  But nope.  Lesser writers & artists took over, & I left.  I'm just going to say I left when Cooper returned to save the day & imagine that the rest of the journey was something some fanboy told me he read about on the internet & I said, "Gee, that's interesting, but also, you must admit, kinda dumb."

Also, David Lynch & I share a birthday.  Just thought I should mention that.

* For the record, my favorite David Lynch film is The Straight Story.

Meet My Pets (Again) # 4: Winston

My favorite puppy is Winston.  It's true.  I admitted it five years ago & I'll say it again now.  He's the beagle that made me fall in love with beagles.  The other two beagles we had previously are my wife's dogs.  George was my wife's before she & I met.  Ringo is still more attached to her, to the point that, sure, he's happy to see me when I come home, but he still runs to the door to wait for her, & he cries out when she's not here.

But Winston, though he still loves his mom more than me, he touched my heart in a way that surprised me.  Before him, I thought I was a cat person, or at least leaned toward cats.  Winston made the balance equal in my heart.  He was so small, he had an affliction (described in the previously linked post), he needed more love & attention, & also he demanded that.

As he's gotten older, he's grayed more than his brothers, but he's still as scrappy as ever, despite back problem, gut problems, teeth problems, & weakened back legs.  He's nigh unstoppable.

The other night he was in bed between me & the wife, & he got up, as he does, to go find somewhere else to sleep.  It always breaks my heart when any of the animals do that, but instead of tumbling off the bed, he came up next to me, turned a couple of times, & made a huffing noise, & plopped under my arm.  You cannot imagine how happy that made me.

The next night, of course, he slept in the living room.

Self Help Radio 083017: Indiepop A To Z # 54

(Almost all these images found at Discogs.)

& there's another episode in the can.  How was it?  There sure are a lot of bands that I consider indiepop, aren't there?  & they don't have all the same sound, do they?  These are a lot of questions.  Perhaps they're rhetorical.

Sometimes I wonder if an archivist must also be a completist.  The week before I do this show, I listen to a lot of music.  If I had my druthers, if my druthers hadn't been gone long before I knew I had druthers, I would be even more inclusive.  I would say, as the kids do, "This may not be indiepop, but it's indiepop-adjacent!"  Do the kids say that?  I mean, with words other than indiepop.  I haven't been around kids for a long time.  They grow up, up, & away so fast.  Or is that just superkids?

In any event, this might be a fun show for you to listen to while you're waiting in line for precious gasoline, since one of the main places we get that from is under water right now.  I don't mean to make light of the ongoing tragedy in Houston & the Texas coast - my heart goes out to the people there, I hope they find themselves someplace safe & I hope that the city recovers quickly.  I just hope those people who are waiting in lines & griping about it understand their inconvenience is minor compare to actual suffering just three hundred miles away.

Jeez, I didn't mean to get weird.  It's on my mind, you know.  The show can be listened to at the Self Help Radio website.  There's a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) you'll need to listen, if you want.  The show is in two parts; what's in those parts is below.

In four months, if the world hasn't turn into Mad Max: Fury Road, we'll finish the "Ma"s & get to the "Mc"s.  Promise!

(part one)

"The Choice You Have" Malory _Outerbeats_
"California Dreamin'" The Mamas & The Papas _All The Leaves Are Brown: The Golden Era Collection_
"Drive Drive Drive" The Man From Delmonte _The Good Things In Life_

"Country Boy" The Man Upstairs _Sad In My Heart 7"_
"Indecision" Manatee _Indecision_
"More Than Happy" The Mandelbrot Set _A Place Called Kansas_
"Things You've Never Done" The Manhattan Love Suicides _The Manhattan Love Suicides_
"Rasberry Thighs" The Mantles _Long Enough To Leave_

"Sucker" Maow _The Unforgiving Sounds Of... Maow_
"La Balada De La Primavera" Le Mans _Moshi Moshi (Pop International Style)_
"Still Dreaming" The Marble Staircase _Whaam! Bam! Thank You Dan!_
"Go Marilee" Marbles _Pyramid Landing & Other Favorites_
"Oh Constance" Marden Hill _Dream Topping: él Retrospective_

"Through The Hole" Mardi Picasso _Smerk_
"Welcome To Stalingrad" Montt Mardie _Skaizerkite_

(part two)

"I'm So Happy" The Mare _I'm So Happy_
"Musicienne" Marie Antoinette _Musicienne_
"Waiting In Line" The Marigolds _Wild!_

"Lazy Ways" Marine Girls _Lazy Ways/Beach Party_
"Big Sur" Marine Life _Fool Of A Kind_
"Hopefulness To Hopelessness" Marine Research _Sounds From The Gulf Stream_
"When Will You Realise That I Care" Marine Time Keepers _When Will You Realise That I Care_
"One Inch Punch" Mark 700 _Cohiba_

"Dead Girl In My Bed" The Marmite Sisters _Tug EP_
"Mercy Mercy, To My Melancholic Life Journey" The Marshmallow Kisses _Ciao! Baby_
"First Kiss" The Marteens _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 4_
"1997, Passing In The Hallway" Martha _Courting Strong_
"Fish Bowl" Mary-Go-Round _Plays Golden Hits_

"Lost" The Mary Onettes _The Mary Onettes_
"Evensong" Mary Queen Of Scots _Mary Queen Of Scots/Peru Split 7"_
"Follow The Sound" Mascott _Follow The Sound_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 54?

(Marine Girls, one of the bands you'll hear on tonight's show, image from here.)

Yes, we're fifty-four episodes in.  It's a little crazy.  We began the letter M last time, four months ago, & if all goes well tonight, we'll explore bands & artists whose names fit somewhere between Malory & Marzipan.  Yes, there are a lot of bands who will appear in the letter M.  I may not finish it this decade.

But what a bunch of good music!  & from all over: the states, Great Britain, Australia, Sweden, Canada, Spain, Hong Kong, France, Germany.  & pretty equally divided gender-wise - there are four bands whose name includes the word "Marine" & all of them are female-fronted.  Marine Girls, pictured above, were all women.  Indiepop is international & it's not at all sexist.  I celebrate that!

Come listen, tonight from 9-11pm eastern (8-10pm central) on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online everywhere at Lexington Community Radio dot org.  It should be fun.  At least the music.  I make no promises about my place in this.

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 54: Sisyphus

(Somehow I never imagined Sisyphus as so muscular, but I guess in Hell you still get rewarded for constantly working out.  Image from here.)

Actually, there won't be any discussion of Sisyphus in this little blog post.  Except to say, you know who I'm talking about, right?  The guy condemned to roll a rock up a hill for eternity?  When he gets to the bottom, he goes back to the top of the slide, where he stops, & he turns, & goes for a little ride?  Wait, no, that's Charles Manson.  Anyway, I think you know what I'm talking about.  I won't be talking about that right now.  Though I do have to briefly talk about it to let you know I'm not going to talk about it.

What I did want to say, which I hope to say during tomorrow's show, but which I sometimes forget to say, is that my stupid Indiepop A To Z adventure owes a hell of a lot to the band list at Twee dot net.  I haven't counted how many bands they have on the list - for the letter M, there are 92 (!) - but even if I had stuck to the list (I haven't) I would probably still not be finished with the series.  But it's been perfect as a skeleton for which to hang my own idears about indiepop, plus I have discovered a few bands thanks to them!

Also it's important to point out that, as the Internet has gotten bigger, it's become much easier to find the more obscure bands, the ones that just released a single in 1987.  Indiepop thrives on singles, on flexi-discs & compilation appearances, & on playing out - the latter of which I have no access to.  One band that released a great single might have been active touring around England for years.

Sometimes I do wish I had been an archivist, & so this series sometimes serves to feed that desire in me.  But I have to acknowledge that this hasn't been entirely my thing.  I got the idea looking at the twee.net list.  & it continues to aid & inspire me as I stumble through the letter M.  Which I'll be doing for some time now.  There are lots of bands/musicians whose name starts with the letter M!  In the indipop world, at least, for me.

Thank you, TweeNet!  If ever someone over there finds out I was doing this, I hope that you also find my gratitude!

Harvey

(Image from here.)

Houston is on my mind tonight.  I haven't been there in years but of course anytime a city with millions goes through the trauma it's experiencing now, you can't help but feel empathy with your fellow citizens, in my case on a national & state level.  My friends who live there are thankfully safe but many aren't, & I am weighing my options in seeing how I can help.

Texas Monthly has a great article listing how one can help in the state.  NPR does too.  Here in Fort Worth, relief efforts are underway, & that's where I am starting.  Things will get worse before they get better.  I hope the people & the city are resilient enough to handle the devastation.

The wife bemoaned the fact that both the state & the nation are filled with people who don't believe government can help in situations like this, although I read the head of FEMA saying they had "learned" from Katrina.  Let's hope so.  Meanwhile.  I think I am going to volunteer here in town.  It's almost the least I can do.

Meet My Pets (Again) # 3: Bolan

In between tonight's twin television treats of Twin Peaks & Game Of Thrones, I take a moment to talk about the second-oldest cat, & third-oldest animal in the house, Bolan.  I wrote a bit about him five years ago on the blog.  He went from being the goofiest & youngest to being a kind of patriarch - Beatrice, the oldest, has no interest in being in charge, & the other two cats seem to naturally submit to his noisy insistence.

Recently, he lost some weight, & the hair on his ears thinned, & we were like, what the fuck?  We imagined the worst, & in fact he tested positive for FIV - which is like cat HIV - but that was a dumbass false positive.  Fuck false positives.  An x-ray showed he had too much hair in his stomach, he couldn't digest or pass or throw it up.  That's right: this dumb cat was too busy grooming himself & his siblings, it made him sick & he lost weight because of it.  We gave him a gel - which he loves eating - to dissolve the hair in his belly, & he's returned to being a chubby cat - & even the hair on his ears has started to grow back.

As I write this, all four cats are in the same room, but he's the noisiest, the most insistent, & of course the most annoying.  He does groom his younger siblings, but the oldest, Beatrice, has never really taken a shine to him.  Maybe if we had kept the group to just him & her.  But we didn't.  & I think I'll talk about that in a future Sunday installment.

Self Help Radio 082317: Betty's Show

(A plethora of Bettys.  I got these pictures all over the place, thanks to Google Image Search.)

Wow, looking at those pictures above - that is, in order from left to right, top to bottom, Betty Ford, Bettye LaVette, Betty Davis, Betty Page, Betty Grable, Bette Davis, Betty Hutton, Betty Shabazz, Betty White, Betty Friedan, Betty Carter, & a Betty Self Help Radio Bear - it occurs to me that the name Betty is pretty old fashioned.  The youngest Betty I could think of was perhaps Betty Gilpin, who's in her thirties.  I do not have any friends named Betty - though I do have friends named Elizabeth, of which Betty is a diminutive - but kinda wish I did, since I made an entire radio show about Bettys.

& what a show it was!  There were so many Betty songs I didn't get to, but I promise the ones I did are the bestest of the bestest.  In addition, I spoke with CJ Buchanan, the president & founder of the Betty Cooper Fan Club; to David Fruchter, the final husband of the legendary Betty Crocker; & I got a call from two Bettys from outer space, hoping to take all the Bettys to a Betty colony & away from Earth.  It seems to me that the Betty demographic will skew a little older than perhaps a young colony would like.

Listen to the show - & tell any friend of yours named Betty to listen, too! - at Self Help Radio dot net.  Remind Betty that there's a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen.  The show is in two parts, what's contained in the parts is listed below.

& a Happy Betty to you & yours!

(part one)

"Black Betty" Lead Belly _Lead Belly's Last Sessions, Vol. 1_
"Betty Lou" Long John Hunter _Ooh Wee Pretty Baby_
"A Letter From Betty" Bobby Vee _The Singles Collection_
"Friend Named Betty" The Submissives _Do You Really Love Me?_

"Iron Ore Betty" John Prine _Bruised Orange_
"Bette Davis Eyes" Jackie DeShannon _New Arrangement_
"Pretty Betty" Bobby Darin _Bobby Darin_
"C'mon Betty Home" The Kingston Trio _The Stewart Years_
"Betty Blue" Thomas Tantrum _Mad By Moonlight_

interview with Betty Cooper Fan Club founder & president CJ Buchanan

"Steady With Betty" A-Bones _Crash The Party_
"Cutie Betty" Astrobabys _Sweet Hot Drive_
"Betty Lou's Got A New Tattoo" The Creep _Fort Worth Teen Scene, Vol. 1_
"Betty Betty Bye Bye" Rabbitt _Rabbitt 1_
"Betty & Dupree" Brownie McGhee _Classic Folk Music (From Smithsonian Folkways)_

"Betty Betty Bang Bang" Drug Boyfriend _Betty Betty Bang Bang_
"Betty Page" Public Image Ltd. _What The World Needs Now..._

(part two)

"Have A Heart Betty (I'm Not Fireproof)" The Soft Boys _Invisible Hits_
"Just Like Betty Page" The Jazz Butcher _A Scandal In Bohemia_
"Betty Cutts" Hefner _Catfight_

surprise phone call from Betty & Betty Hill

"My Girl Friend Betty" Mary Swan _Midnight Cryin' Time: Teen Angst Classics From The Rock & Roll Era_
"Locked In A Room With Betty" P. Paul Fenech _Daddys Hammer_
"Betty Sue" Teenage Bubblegums _Bubblegum Dreams_
"Betty Wang" Hospitality _Hospitality_

interview with former husband of Betty Crocker, David Fruchter

"Betty Jane" Max Bailey _Rhythm & Blues Goes Rock & Roll, Vol. 1_
"The Black Betty" Boss Hog _Girl+_
"B.B. Betty" Bill Haley & His Comets _The Decca Years & More_
"Betty In Bermudas" The Dovells _Discotheque_
"Turning Into Betty" Lisa Germano _Slide_

"Betty Co-Ed" Rudy Vallee & His Connecticut Yankees _Heigh-Ho Everybody, This Is Rudy Vallee_
"Miss Betty's Blues" Joe Liggins & His Honeydrippers _The Shuffle Boogie King_
"Little Betty Falling Star" The Cascades _Rhythms Of Their Reign 1962-1966_

Whither Betty's Show?

(Yes, that's one Betty.  Image from here.)

Before you start wondering why there should be a radio show dedicated to people named Betty, maybe you should ask yourself, why shouldn't there be?  Why not radio shows for all people, all names?  I mean, for example, just to say, there's never been as far as I know a radio show dedicated to people named Gary, & despite that I'm not resentful that people named Betty get a radio show.  In fact, I have actively participated in making this show about & for people named Betty, as I did the same for people with names like Christine, Emily, Molly, Bill, George, & Sam.  & still I don't complain that there hasn't been a Gary show!

Your Betty envy makes me sad.  It would be in your best interest, it seems to me, to listen to a celebration of people named Betty on tonight's Self Help Radio.  It may be therapeutic.  It's on from 8-10pm central, 9-11pm eastern on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington, & online at Lexington Community Radio's website.  For bonus points, invite a person named Betty along!  Seeing a Betty or two happy that there's a radio show about them might be the best thing that happens to you today!

Preface To The Betty Show: Comics

Trying to remember where I found this - probably somewhere online many moons ago - the rar archive is dated 2012 - where someone digitized an old collection of comics - but here is an advertisement for a Sunday comic called "Betty":

It was a Sunday-only comic, & the Wikipedia entry for C.A. Voight tells us it was very influential.  I like the way it looks & I wish I had more to share.  The article above says the strip began in 1920, but these pages are from the previous year, so someone is wrong.  Here is another biography of him.

Here's a bonus "Betty" for you:

Eclipso

(from this Instagram page.)

You probably heard, there was an eclipse today.  It was a pretty big deal - the first total solar eclipse in the United States since 1979, which cut a swath like a scar across the country so that people from Oregon to South Carolina would be bathed in darkness for a period of time.  It was quite awe-inspiring.

& I almost ignored it.  I don't know why I wasn't very excited about it.  It might be that here in Texas, the sun would only be 76% occluded.  It might be because it was something I've experienced before, in Austin in the 2000s.  It might be because it was a Monday, I'm always working on my show on Monday, I just was focused on that.  Or it might be because my cat Beatrice had a vet appointment, which my wife scheduled around the time the eclipse was to start in Texas.

Whatever the reason, I was saved from my own disinterest by my next-door neighbors, Jim & Martha, who are star-watchers, & who were hosting a small eclipse-watching party & who kindly invited me over.  There, a handful of their friends drank some sweet bubbly alcohol (like champagne, but obviously not) & used the special glasses I hadn't bothered to get, & also had a telescope, with the appropriate filters, aimed at the sun.  It stayed very bright out even with over three-fourths of the sun covered, though the sky turned a kind of light purple that reminded me of dropping acid when I was young.  I could get no pictures - I don't have a fancy camera - but I did love staring with the glasses at the moon & sun dancing slowly above us.

We drank a toast to the sun & moon & one of the guests said, "We should have been pagans!"  I told her that she was allowed to, that that's something you can do in this country, & mentioned that day-drinking might deserve a nod to Dionysus.  I stayed a bit longer, staring as much as the sight that I had, just hours before, thought I had no interest in.

Then of course I had to go back to working on my show.

Meet My Pets (Again) # 2: Ringo

This is Ringo.  He's a beagle we adopted in 2004 who's going to turn sixteen next month.  I first wrote about him & introduced you to him here.

His best friend George died in 2012, at the end of year that I wrote the previous piece.  Unlike George, Ringo has stayed pretty healthy in his old age.  When George was twelve or so, we would push him in a baby-carriage-like dog walker, & we (when I say we I mean the wife & I) expected Ringo to be just as helpless as a very old man.  This hasn't happened - Ringo goes on walks with us daily & although he is a little slow - except at the parts of the walk where everyone gets a treat - he makes the three or so miles we walk every day with very little complaint.  We hope the exercise keeps him alive.

& oh does he love to eat.  My god.  He once almost killed us because of his love for food.  When we were away, he leaped onto a stove in which cooked & mashed sweet potatoes were sitting & ate them all.  In addition to getting sweet potato mush everywhere, he accidentally turned on one of the gas elements.  If we had been away for too long, he would've gassed everyone in the house.

He's not nearly as spry anymore.  He's a little deaf, & though he's been blind in one eye since we got him, he is probably not very well-sighted in the other.  But his nose still works, as does his stomach.  & he's very, very close to his mother.  He's stingy with the kisses but, as in the picture above, he's always near her.  & if I come home without her, he stands at the door & barks his complaint.

Such a precious soul.

Self Help Radio 081617: Machines

(Original image here.)

Ah, machines.  Whatever would we do without them?  Whatever did we do without them?!  We hung around the savannah, hoping not to get mauled & eaten, thinking perhaps that moving from the trees & standing up straight wasn't such a good idea after all.  Damn you, machines, for making life outside the trees possible!  Also, for radio.  Damn you for radio!  I might be doing something healthy now!

Ah, well.  What celebration of something isn't ambivalent?  So too it is with every Self Help Radio.  On this show, the unwieldy topic of machines gets a brief but loving examination, with songs about machines real & imaginary, as well as a discussion about a particular machine with the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently, about the end of machines with futurist David Fruchter, & with an actual machine, the doomed love machine Maxthrob 6969.  There's even a machine that guest deejays!  As a machine myself (see the Schoolhouse Rock song I play), I took extra care not to be too critical of machines.  But you know what?  Machines can take it.

Ah, me.  Listen to the Self Help Radio show about machines on the computer machine of your choice at the Self Help Radio machine shop.  You know you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp), right?  I hope you know what those are.  The show is in two parts, & what songs & interviews are in the two parts are listed below.

Ah, machines!

(part one)

"Gene Machine" The Popguns _Sugar Kisses_
"Highly Dependable, Well Oiled, Smoothly Functioning Machine" Jamie & The Jury _Fundamental Notion_
"Time Machine" Starflyer 59 _The Changing Of The Guard_

"Rocket Machine" Opal _Happy Nightmare Baby_
"Circus Green Machine" Robert Pollard _Honey Locust Honk Tonk_
"Answering Machine" Todd Barry _Medium Energy_
"Answering Machine" Bruce McCulloch _Answering Machine & More Twisted Interludes_
"Saviour Machine" David Bowie _The Man Who Sold The World_

Interview with the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently

"Soft Machine" Drug Boyfriend _Soft Machine_
"Smash The Beauty Machine" Future Bible Heroes _Eternal Youth_
"Drum Machines Will Save Mankind" Mikrofisch _Masters Of The Universe_
"The Man Machine" Señor Coconut Y Su Conjunto _El Baile Alemán_

"Dream Machine" Gregory & The Hawk _Leche_
"Time Machine" Dante & The Evergreens _Dante & The Evergreens_

(part two)

"Sex Machine" The Flying Lizards _Top Ten_
"Death Machine" Suicide _American Supreme_
"My Little Machine" The Thermals _More Parts Per Million_

Interview with Maxthrob 6969

"Love Machine, Pt. 1" The Miracles _The Disco Years, Vol. 3: Boogie Fever_
"Lovin Machine" Wynonie Harris with The Todd Rhodes Orchestra _Best Of Burlesque_
"Love Machine" The Wedding Present _Mini Plus_
"Homework Machine" Shel Silverstein _The Best Of Shel Silverstein (His Words His Songs His Friends)_
"Body Machine" Bob Dorough & Jack Sheldon _Schoolhouse Rock: Science Rock_

Interview with futurist David Fruchter

"Bone Machine" The Pixies _Surfer Rosa_
"Tiny Machine" The Darling Buds _Crawdaddy_
"Slide Machine" The 13th Floor Elevators _Easter Everywhere_
"Simpler Machines" Shriekback _Life In The Loading Bay_

"Vending Machines" Allan Sherman _My Son The Box_
"Girl Machine" Donnie Brooks _Sway & Move With Donnie Brooks_

Whither Machines?

(What does it do?  Maybe find out here.)

As is my fashion, I was rereading an old comic book from the 1970s a few weeks ago.  It's not one of my favorites, but the art was by one of my all-time favorite comics artists.  The comic was called "Machine Man."  The creator was Jack Kirby, & the first issue of the series came out in 1978.  Here's the front cover:

(found here)

I must've read the comic around the time it came out, back in 1978, or very soon after.  I read a shit-ton of comics when I was ten years old.  At the time, though I delighted in Kirby's style, & knew his name, I'm not entirely sure I would've sought after a comic just because Jack Kirby was involved.  I just liked the cool robot.

Turns out, another of my all-time favorite comics artists would also work on the series: the great Steve Ditko, who took over the art (but not the writing, which was done by Marv Wolfman - Kirby wrote & drew the first series) in issue # 10.  Here's the cover of that:

(found here)

(You can read the entire issue here, if you're so inclined, although it's fun to see Ditko's art in context no matter what.)

Anyway, I reread some issues, then scoured the web for info about the series, commentary from fellow nerds, trying to remember what made me like the series at the time, loving the art & being a kid again.  & so I began to think, Would machines be a good theme for Self Help Radio?

Of course, "machines" is a very general theme so I had to rein myself in somewhat, so I thought, looking over songs I might want to play, it would be easier if the songs were like, [insert a word] machine, like "time machine" or "answering machine" or "lie detector machine."  That's how I narrowed the search.  & still I had hundreds of machines to choose from!

Which ones made the cut?  You'll have to tune in to find out!  Self Help Radio is on from 8-10pm central, 9-11pm eastern on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington, Kentucky, & online all over the world (check your local listings) (no, don't, it won't be listed) at Lexington Community Radio online.  I hope you listen!  But if not, I'll save it on a machine somewhere.

Preface To Machines: My Favorite Machine

After ninth grade, a friend of mine, named Scott, left town (almost as soon as he arrived - he showed up in the middle of my eighth grade year).  He moved back to Illinois with his family.  I think the family came to Texas with his step-dad for work, but then his mother & step-dad split, & so, back home it was!  He was the first friend I ever made without my little brother - my little brother & I were pretty inseparable before then - & he was the first friend I made who had no interest in being friends with my little brother, which of course annoyed my little brother no end.

His leaving broke my heart.  The last phone call we had, we spoke very honestly about our lives.  We shared interests like comic books & Dungeons & Dragons, but we never really talked about our past. Are we allowed to rate phone calls?  That one was in my top ten.

In those days, phone calls were hella expensive & something about writing letters seemed...  Well, we must've written a few letters.  I remember I would send him comic books, although my mother told me it was too expensive after a while.  Anyway, at some point, someone told me - this would've been in 1984 - about something called bulletin boards.  For these you needed a computer.  & of course a modem.  Imagine!  Scott logged in, posted a message, or sent a private message, which I could get instantaneously. It was beyond imagining.

But.  My family was very poor, we could no more have afforded a computer than a mortgage - we were lucky we lived in apartments that weren't hovels.  No one really explained that to me, as no one really explained to me the value of money or the way money worked in the world, & so I harbored a great resentment about it.  Friends at school were able to use computers to talk to faraway buddies, & also they had word processors instead of crappy old typewriters.  Why couldn't I?

This isn't really about Scott, with whom I stay a little acquainted on Facebook these days.  (The damage of years apart means, alas, we'll never be friends like we were thirty-five years ago.)  It's about those computers.

Some ten years later, I worked in a language lab which played cassette tapes (recently upgraded from reel-to-reel tapes) for students studying this or that foreign tongue.  One person in the department - perhaps its only visionary - a fellow named Eric - somehow convinced the powers-that-be to turn the lab into (partially, at first) a computer lab.  It was equipped with Mac Quandras, & being in charage of the lab, I got one, too.  While I had previously used an old Mac SE to write papers on, & probably to play Solitaire on, I had never been connected to what I was told was called the internet.  It was late 1994.  Suddenly I was sending email, surfing the very limited web, & discovering Usenet.

It's very hard to believe it's over twenty years later, & the computer has been for almost all this time my favorite machine.  At one point I might've said it was the turntable.  But I spin tunes from my computer every day.  Maybe I might've said it was a car, but I travel farther & faster with little complication by pointing my browser someplace & clicking.  In 1994, I started deejaying, so maybe for a time the radio was my favorite machine.  But maybe more people listen online to any radio I do than capturing waves with a receiver.

Which is not to say, of course, that the computer is perfect.  But if I am honest with myself, I have to say that it's my favorite machine.  Except the living machines I have in my house with me.  But I suspect all this time we have been discussing human-made machines exclusively.  Weren't we?

That Baronet Went Extinct

Here are two things I learned today:

1) Baronets can go extinct.
2) "Intestacy" mean :the condition of the estate of a person who dies without having made a valid will or other binding declaration."

I mean, I know what "intestate" meant, but I had never heard the word "intestacy."  I shall endeavor to use it awkwardly in conversation all the rest of the month.

Also probably I could add:

3) I guess I didn't know what a Baronet was but now I do.

Baronets, you see, are whatever the least of the cream of the crop are, being "a member of the lowest hereditary titled British order, with the status of a commoner but able to use the prefix 'Sir.'"  Call a commoner Sir?  I'd rather put my rashers on my crumpets!

Please don't ask me why I found myself at this Wikipedia page (but if you guess it has something to do with the word Twizell you might be on to something), which contains this passage:

He (Sir Francis Blake, 3rd Baronet of Twizell Castle) married Jane, daughter of William Neale, in 1827 but had no legitimate children & the baronetcy became extinct on his death. His illegitimate son Frederick Blake (1835–1909) suffered severe sunstroke while serving as an army officer & was confined to a mental asylum in 1873. His father granted him a life interest in property at Seghill and also bequeathed Helen, the widow of his brother Robert Dudley Blake (1776–1860). Blake's principal beneficiary was Captain Francis Blake (1832–1861) whose son Francis Douglas Blake was created a baronet in his own right in 1907. The family repurchased Seghill Park from the Treasury Solicitor following the intestacy of Helen Blake.

So one baronet went extinct & another was created.  But how?  Awarded by the Crown, of course!  They let baronets die out because they can simply create them out of thin air.

Twizell Castle, by the way is in ruins now.  It was attempted to be renovated during Blake's father's life, but ended as a folly.

& look there!  Another word I didn't know!

Meet My Pets (Again) # 1: Beatrice

About five years ago, I used this blog to introduce my pets, of which I only had six at the time, so I thought it might be time to reintroduce you to them.  Here's what I said about Beatrice back then.  She was a wild kitten, & a mean, often stand-offish adult.  She's now seventeen years old, & more sweet than crotchety, though just to me - she doesn't really like anyone else.

She has a few places in the house she likes to be - one of them is under the kitchen table, where I took this picture.  Earlier today I saw the other three cats hanging out together on a pillow, but Beatrice never does that.  She's a lone wolf, er, tigress.  Though always happy to take some time out of her day to hang with me.  I love her so.

Self Help Radio 080917: Control

(It's a control panel, get it?  Original image here.)

Recognize impulsive thoughts.  Place time restrictions on impulsive thoughts.  Try belly breathing.  Find a healthy distraction.  Have a go-to activity.  No, these are not rejected John Darnielle lyrics.  These are the five steps to "build self-control in the moment" from the WikiHow page on self-control & how to get it.  It seems quite helpful, plus there are pictures!

Nothing so helpful appears on this week's Self Help Radio, which if anything is more out of control than normal, which is ironic, of course, but not cool ironic but annoying ironic, which was the name of my high school new wave band, Annoying Ironic.  "Annoying ironic what?" the bass player asked repeatedly before we fired him & used a Casio instead.

There's not much to say.  Maybe the show speaks for itself.  Maybe the show shuts up for itself.  Why don't you ask the show?  It's now at the Self Help Radio website.  (Pay attention to username/password info on the front page please.)  The show is in two distinct but hardly distinctive parts.  The songs & guests in the parts are listed below.

Sadly, it turns out I am easily controlled.

(part one)

"Set The Controls" DJ Me DJ You _Rainbows & Robots_
"I Wanna Lose Control" Gary Wilson _You Think You Really Know Me_
"You're In Control" Greg Horn _Das Funk Ist Verboten_

"We R In Control" Neil Young _Trans_
"I Am Controlled By Your Love" Helene Smith _Eccentric Soul: The Deep City Label_
"The People Who Control Our Lives" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Control" Mikal Cronin _MCIII_
"Control" La Sera _Hour Of The Dawn_

Interview with the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently

"I Can't Control Myself (Live)" Buzzcocks _Spiral Scratch EP / Time's Up_
"Complete Control" The Clash _Clash On Broadway_
"Out Of Control" Wayne County & The Electric Chairs _Rock N Roll Cleopatra_
"Uncontrollable Urge" Devo _Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!_

"Arms Control Poseur" The Fall _Popcorn Double Feature_
"Control Chem Chem" Tania + Juan _Control Chem Chem_

(part two)

"Control Tower" U-Roy _Rasta Ambassador_
"Don't Lose Control" Material _One Down_
"They're Controlling Our Minds" Misty's Big Adventure _Misty's Big Adventure & Their Place In The Solar Hi-Fi System_

Ned Dry reports on inside the SHR control room.

"Totally Out Of Control" Babes _Untitled (Five Tears)_
"Out Of Control" Lush _Blind Spot_
"Remote Control" The Lucksmiths _First Tape_
"No Controles" Stereo Total _Baby Ouh!_

Interview with "Out Of Control" exercise guru CJ Buchanan

"She's Lost Control" Joy Division _Unknown Pleasures_
"Creature Out Of Control" The Dentists _If All The Flies Were One Fly: A Collection Of Rare & Unreleased Dentistry 1984-1995_
"The Dog Who Controls People's Lungs" Masters Of The Hemisphere _I Am Not A Freemdoom_
"Til I Gain Control Again" This Mortal Coil _Blood_

"Control" Ratboys _GN

Whither Control?

(Image from here.)

Aggh!  I have no control over my life!  I meant to write this up like four hours ago to remind you/warn you that Self Help Radio's show about control is on tonight.  Now it's like less than three hours away!  How did things get so out of control?

Aggh!  I can't even control my own damn show!  Guest cancel, records get lost, I trip over something at a Costco because I'm trying to be nice & then I'm stuck in line with an overweight woman in workout clothes right in front of me who refuses to empty her basket to help the cashier so the cashier & the floater have to take the time to empty the shopping cart before they ring things up & I'm sitting there wondering who the fuck is so entitled they stand there like an overstuffed puppet while other people do something they could so very easily have done themselves & have helped those of us in line behind them get through the stupid check-out experience faster!  I'm so glad I didn't lose control there.

Aggh!  The show is on its way!  I'd best get myself under control.  It's on tonight from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central on WLXU in Lexington (93.9 fm) & online at Lexington Community Radio dot org.  Silly guests, tedious airbreaks, great music - the usual.

Preface To Control: Poll Results, Radio Conundrums, & Glen Campbell

There are three things I want to talk about today, if you don't mind.

1) Last week I asked on Twitter & Facebook about which version of the Joy Division song "She's Lost Control" I should play on tomorrow's show.  One person responded on Twitter (my worst poll yet), one person on Facebook, & two of my friends weighed in personally.  The resulting song will be played on tomorrow's show.  But I kinda hope one day more of you will join in!

2) People have accused me of being fond of overly narrow themes, but there are times when I fear that my themes are too general.  For example, while looking for songs for this week's show, I found a lot of songs with the title "Out Of Control," or variations thereof.  It occurred to me that I might actually be able to separate the theme "out of control" from "control" & explore it later.  There would certainly be enough songs.  But I reined myself in.  I decided that I should simply let this one go.  There are a finite number of Self Help Radios in the future & an infinite number of themes.  Best that I recognize that.

3) It saddens me that Glen Campbell has died.  The first song that I ever requested on the radio was "Rhinestone Cowboy," a story I related here.  I will endeavor to find a way to celebrate his life on the show at some point, although I am happy I played him with Bobbie Gentry performing "Little Green Apples" on my apple show earlier this year, a show you can listen to here.

Tonight I played "Wichita Lineman" for my wife.  She probably didn't find the song as lonesome as I do, but she did like it.  It's a marvel.  I can't imagine I'll make anything as wonderful as that in my life.  I am so glad it exists.

Something I Like Also As Well On Tumblr

(This handsome fellow's name is Charlie Schuman.)

You must know I love dogs.  I love cats, too, but right now I'm talking about dogs.  I'd love to have rabbits & pigs & many other kinds of animals in my house but for the moment I am talking about dogs.  I have four dogs myself, & love them more than anything (except maybe my cats, although currently I am just talking about dogs).

There's a sweet Tumblr blog, from which the above picture comes, called The Dogist, which features photos taken by the blog's owners of dogs everywhere they go.  I am amazed at the bravery of the person who asks to take the dog's pictures, although I've been asked before if someone could take my dogs' pictures, & I was flattered, so perhaps it's easier than, say, walking up to a stranger & asking if you could take their picture.

There are also little quotes the owners say about the dogs - anyway, just go have a look if you never have.  It's a delight & sometimes, like this one, it's also a happy story.

Suddenly it occurred to me that there's no equivalent "Catist" (though I haven't really looked) because people don't take their cats around on walks.  But maybe there is, & I haven't found it yet.

Though, let's be fair, it's not like there's a dearth of cat pictures on the internet!

Things That Bother Me But Only A Little # 1: Parentheses In Song Titles

This is, I know, a very, very minor thing.  Please do not think this bothers me more than, say, a hangnail, or someone at a traffic light who, despite dozens of cars behind them, thinks their phone call is more important than actually moving when the light turns green.  But.

One thing that bothers me, but only a little, is how people treat parentheses in songs.

You see, the parentheses are thought to be optional.  So people should call the song "(I'm) Stranded" by the Saints simply "Stranded."  Or the song "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction," which most people call "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," is supposed to just be called "Satisfaction."

Sometimes, it's true, there are songs that have extraneous parenthetical titles, most famously James Brown's "Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex Machine," which no one (not even James Brown, in the single version) called "Get Up Sex Machine."

On the other hand, no postpunk connoisseur calls the Stranglers' song "(Get A) Grip (On Yourself)" "Grip."  They just don't.  It's stupid.

There's a reason I am thinking about this.  The theme of the show this week is "control," so I will definitely play the Joy Division song "She's Lost Control."*  But for some reason - & this is before there was a film called Control, about Joy Division - people began referring to the song as "Control."  Like, one time, I asked a trainee at KOOP who wanted to do a postpunk show what her favorite Joy Division song was, & she said, "Control."  I had never heard the song "She's Lost Control" referred to as "Control."  & that song doesn't even have parentheses!

Were we suddenly allowed to shorten songs to sound-bite length?  I know some songwriters - I'm looking at Morrissey here - that sometimes have songs with titles as long as their lyrics, but does anyone refer to "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" as "Light"?  Nope.**

So stop.  Don't encourage bullshit songwriters.  If a song has parentheses, just assume all the words are the entire song.  & don't shorten long song titles.  It's dumb & disrespectful.  You think you sound cool but you really sound like a dumbass who doesn't really know the song or the band.

Because that sort of thing bothers me, but really only a little.

* Which version?  You can vote on Twitter!
** Props to Morrissey for never using parentheses.  At least, I can't think of any example.  Wait.  I found one.  "(I'm) The End Of The Family Line."  Well, it wouldn't be Morrissey if he weren't somewhat contrary.

Self Help Radio 080217: Seventeen

(Make a dumb magazine cover for your radio show here.)

An apology may be in order, as I've just discovered that this show is not about element number 17, chlorine.  Many aficionados of the Periodic Table of the Elements are huge fans of that delightful yellow-green gas which remains the second-lightest of the halogens.  They love it for its disinfectant charm (you're welcome, it says to you after you get out of the pool) & its role in the creation of plastics.  So beloved is chlorine that its role in chemical warfare in the early twentieth century is often downplayed as "youthful mistakes" & "gases will be gases."

Naturally, most people would think a show about "seventeen" would be about chlorine.  I most certainly thought that, & had to deal with angry fluorine & bromine fans who wanted to know when their gas would get the Self Help Radio treatment.  Alas, when I turned on the show, I was disheartened to know it was about that abject little number, 17, as well as that depressing age, 17 years.  Not a single song about chlorine!  As one caller asked me, "Are we living in Communist Alabama?!?"

Please forgive this show's blatant disregard of propriety & custom & force yourself to listen to this week's show.  My guess is there are some charms, although none chlorine-related.  The show is at the Self Help Radio website, & can be accessed if you know a username ("SHR") & a password ("selfhelp").  It's in two parts, & what's in each part is noted below.

Understandably, a future radio show about the rare earth elements has become even more vital.

(part one)

"Seventeen" The Ames Brothers _Sweet Seventeen_
"Seventeen" The Sex Pistols _Never Mind The Bollocks Here's The Sex Pistols_
"Seventeen" The Sugargliders _Seventeen_
"17" Loose Change _Shreds, Vol. 2: American Underground '94_

"Seventeen" Love Spit Love _Love Spit Love_
"Seventeen" The Lovelies _The Tuff Of The Tracks_
"Sonnet 17: Who Will Believe My Verse In Time To Come" David Tennant _The Best Of The Sonnets_
"17" Stephen Duffy _I Love My Friends_
"Seventeen" A Giant Dog _Pile_

interview with father of three seventeen-year-olds CJ Buchanan

"Seventeen" Dealership _TV Highway To The Stars_
"Seventeen" Ladytron _Seventeen_
"Seventeen" Youth Lagoon _The Year Of Hibernation_

special dramatic reading of a classic rock song: "edge of seventeen"

"17 Summer" The Guild League _Speak Up_
"Channel # 17" Plus-Tech Squeezebox _Messer Für Frau Müller_

(part two)

"17 Berlin" My Favorite _Love At Absolute Zero_
"All Of Seventeen" The Eames Era _The Second EP_
"Only Seventeen" Beatle-ettes _Girls With Guitars_

interview with alleged seventeen-year-old Allen Shariaty

"It's Two-Thousand Seventeen" Jenny Adkins _It's Two-Thousand Seventeen_
"Just About Seventeen" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _It's Time For_
"(He's) Seventeen" The Supremes _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 2: 1962_
"She's Sexy & 17" Stray Cats _Rant N' Rave With The Stray Cats_
"Club Seventeen" The Trade Winds _New York's A Lonely Town_

interview with the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently

"No. 17" New Bloods _The Secret Life_
"Seventeen Wives" The Limeliters _The Complete RCA Singles Collection_
"Seventeen Seconds" The Cure _Seventeen Seconds_
"Seventeen" Drug Boyfriend _Drug Boyfriend_

"At Seventeen" Janis Ian _Super Hits Of The '70s: Have A Nice Day, Vol. 15_
"The Year I'm 17" Soda Fountain Rag _Sometimes I Wonder If You Have A Heart_
"Passage # 17" The Glass Family _Electric Band_

Whither Seventeen?

(Found this image here.)

When I first thought about doing a show about the number seventeen, I imagined I would have a diverse & oddball pick of songs about seventeen things: seventeen birds, seventeen raindrops, seventeen goodbyes.  I have in fact begun writing those songs in my head - "Seventeen Good-byes" will be a funny & sad tune - but there's no way I will ever have them finished by tonight's show.

Anyway, what I was getting at is this: it turns out that the vast majority of songs I could find were about being seventeen, the age, the years old.  At some point during the show tonight maybe you & I can have an epiphany, figuring out why that's such an important age.  Because right now I'm a little confused about that.

The show airs tonight from 9 to 11 pm eastern, 8 to 10 pm central on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington, & online everywhere at LCR online (please choose WLXU).  It would've been fun if I had planned something like only playing seventeen songs, or anything seventeen-based.  But it'll be mainly the same old thing.

Hope you'll listen!

Preface To Seventeen: When I Was Seventeen

(At the top of this page I was going to post a picture of myself at the age of seventeen from my high school yearbook but the yearbooks are in a big box under lots of big boxes in the back of a big closet where spiders also live.  So, maybe next time.)

As a rule, I don't think anyone enjoys their seventeenth year, but I don't remember enjoying my seventeenth year terribly much.  I turned seventeen on January 20, 1985, when I was in eleventh grade - a pretty bleak time for me in a pretty bleak high school experience - & was that age until the middle of my twelfth grade year.

& there were surely lots of dumb adventures I could recount, which I will save (memory willing) for when I recount my life for my 1985 birthday show, which is just in four (!) years.  But there is one thing I want to talk about which I think about now, more than thirty years after I was seventeen.  Which is friendship.

Recently I stumbled onto a Facebook page for the thirtieth reunion of my high school class.  I never cared to go to any of the other reunions, but what was most interesting was the fact that Facebook had a list of folks invited or interested - & I knew virtually none of them.  What a strange realization - that I knew almost nobody in my class at high school!  I mean, at least three or four of the people I liked a lot weren't on the list - I wasn't on the list! - but still, shouldn't I at least recognize three-fourths or two-thirds of the names?  Nope.  I did not.  They were strangers, as they probably were in high school.

From eleventh grade, I have managed to keep two friends in my life, both of whom I talk to regularly even now.  One of them I went to high school with, the other I met outside of my high school in a comic book club.

What is common among both is that I pursued the friendship.  If you were to go back in time & count the number of times I called them versus the number of times they called me (if you were keeping count), you'd find I called them to talk to them many more times than they ever thought to communicate with me.  One of them even told me, probably in my seventeenth year, that I wore them down, I keep calling, after school, & eventually he relented, acquiescing to be my friend.

By the way, both of these people were male.  I had virtually no contact with girls at this age.  What would I talk about?  Why would they talk to me?

The truth is, one of these two has stayed my friend only on the flimsiest of connections.  It pains me in my sad middle age to note this, but he was only my friend as long as I liked the same things he did, agreed with his attitudes about the world, refused to challenge any of his ridiculous ideas.  Once I did, he distanced himself from me.  & what's worse, he rationalized a tremendous betrayal of our friendship by his utter disdain for me at some point in the future.  Not to be a tease, but really, that's another story.

Why do I even talk to this person?  I think it's because I sometimes think I should be a better person than I am.  He & I have very little in common these days, & in fact, he's kind of afraid of me - when we talk, if I disagree with him - something I didn't really do in those early days - he often seems a little fearful, a little timid, as if he's still clinging to a time when he had a sycophant & not a friend.  The number of substantial conversations we've had in the last ten years is so small I am forced to wonder if we ever had any real conversations, if, in fact, when we were young, I just wanted so badly to have a friend that I endured his self-important baloney despite my misgivings.  Because I did love him, & love forgives.  He didn't love me so much as disdain me.  But!  Like me, he had very few friends.  & until he did find friends independently (he often became friends with my friends), he kept me around.

Why in the would do I still talk to him?  That is a good question.  Luckily, we don't talk too much.  & probably, as time goes on, we will talk very little.

By the way, the other friend with whom I was close in my seventeenth years continues to be a friend & appears as often as possible on Self Help Radio as my spiritual mentor the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently.  We've had our rough patches but we're doing all right.  & I am so fucking grateful that we're still friends & he gives so much to my dumb radio show!

One Tired Dude

Why do we need to sleep seven to eight hours a night?  & how can I get a bit of this action?

Seems like these days I am always exhausted, & I know one of the reasons: dog walks.

You're like, "What?  It's exhausting walking the dogs?"

No, it's exhausting because it gets too hot in Texas to walk the dogs during the day when there's a heavy-handed sun in the sky, so one must wake in the mornings when it's as cool as it's going to be that day (usually around 80 degrees, often paired quite sadistically with 90% humidity) to walk them.  Waiting isn't an option.  It's the number one tip on this website, but we intuited it.  If it's coolest just before the sun rises, walk the damn dogs then.

So we're up around 6am each day to walk.  & I like napping but for some reason the post-dog-walk nap doesn't do it for me.  Today I napped through lunch.  I mean, I had lunch later, but that seems a weird thing for me.  Who naps when there could be eating?

This means I'm going to go to sleep now.  I have much work to do on this week's show but it would be nice to get eight hours of sleep tonight.  I don't think I've done that in many, many years.

You know what?  I probably slept a lot more when I was seventeen.  Just sayin'.

One Of Those Legendary "No Content" Days

Here's something I found online:

It's a bear eating from a hummingbird feeder!  The image was entitled "hummingbear.jpg"!

Honestly, I can't do better than that today.

Self Help Radio 072617: The Crooked Show

(Original image here.)

My apologies if this show is a little more ramshackle than most - I was incredibly sleep-deprived when I made it, having had to emergency sub at KNON in Dallas two days in a row.  But it makes a little sense that my brain felt a little crooked while I was doing a crooked show, yes?

Personally I think it all came together quite nicely, & I didn't have to resort to crooked means to make the show work.  But much of it I believe was helped by the nice people who agreed to talk to me: famous author of "The Crooked Man" detective novels, Sir David Fruchter; quite possibly crooked philanthropists Leo & Cassandra Di Crew; & my utterly straight-laced spiritual mentor the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently.  When you make a show with dependable guests as well as good music, it doesn't matter if it's a bit crooked.  In my stupid opinion.

The show can be listened to in any fashion, crooked or no, at the Self Help Radio website.  You will need this info: username SHR, password selfhelp.  Trust me.  The show is in two parts, the songs I played as well as the interviews are noted below.

Now straighten up & fly right!

(part one)

"Crooked Little House" Jimmie Rodgers _At Home With Jimmie Rodgers - An Evening Of Folk Songs_
"The Crooked Line" Elvis Costello _Secret, Profane, & Sugarcane_
"Two Crooked Hearts" Langhorne Slim & The Law _The Way We Move_

"Your Picture's Hanging Crooked On The Wall" Anita O'Day _The Complete Anita O'Day Verve/Clef Sessions_
"Crooked Piece Of Time" John Prine _Bruised Orange_
"Crooked Mile" Minisnap _Bounce Around_
"Crooked" Kristin Hersh _Crooked_

interview with mystery writer Sir David Fruchter

"My Crooked Crown" Her Space Holiday _XOXO Panda & The New Kid Revival_
"Crooked Mile" Peter Case _Full Service No Waiting_
"The Crooked Place" Glass Eye _Hello Young Lovers_
"Crooked Dreams" Masha Qrella _Analogies_

"The Crooked Beat" The Clash _Sandinista!_

(part two)

"Crooked Woman Blues" Barbecue Bob _Complete Recorded Works, Vol. 1: 1927-1928_
"Crooked Woman" Edd Henry _Eccentric Soul: The Big Mack Label_
"Crooked Cigarette" The Reverend Horton Heat _It's Martini Time_

interview with philanthropists Leo & Cassandra Di Crew

"Crooked Lines" The Go-Betweens _Bright Orange Bright Yellow_
"My Crooked Arms" Math & Physics Club _Our Hearts Beat Out Loud_
"The Crooked Man" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"Crooked Paper Clip" Cats On Fire _Dealing In Antiques_
"Crooked Street" Neil Diamond _The Complete Bang Recordings_

interview with the Reverend Doctor Howard Gently

"The Crooked Trail To Holbrook" Slim Critchlow _Cowboy Songs_
"Crooked Dice" Leo Ogletree _Rock & Roll - Original Masters_
"Crooked-Eyed Engineer" Michael J. Sheehy _With These Hands: The Rise & Fall Of Francis Delaney_
"Crooked Road & The Briar" Calexico _Aerocalexico_
"Crooked Man" Eleni Mandell _I Can See The Future_

"Crooked Composure" Tania & Juan _Crooked Composure_
"Kid With Crooked Face" Bob Mould _Beauty & Ruin_

Whither The Crooked Show?

(From a blog about crooked house, here.)

Last night I was on the radio on a different station in a different town from the station on which Self Help Radio airs.  Before the show, I was telling someone at the station about Self Help Radio & its different themes, & she asked, "What do you mean, themes?"  When I explained, she asked for examples.  As usual, my mind drew a blank - once I've done a show, it seems like my brain does a core dump & I can't remember the most recent themes explored.  It's frustrating, but it's understandable - once a show is done, I need to concentrate on the next.  But I did know what this week's show is about, so I said, "This week's show is called the crooked show."

At which point he said, "Like crooked Hillary?"

Oh no! I thought.  Is that the reason the word "crooked" found its way into my brain, making me want to do a radio show about crooked things?

By the way, she said it with a smile - she wasn't supporting the current president or anything - but the power of repetition is striking - when looking for images of crooked things, like the one above, I typed "crooked" into Google image search, & one of the first images was of course Hillary Clinton.  (To be fair, a couple rows down there were pictures of Trump, which might not be what he wanted when he said that word so many times.)

Frankly I can't really say.  I certainly hope not.  But the reasons for each theme are not always so clear.  They never have been.  Something strikes me, I let it germinate, eventually there's either a show or there isn't.  The crooked show made it.  I don't think I'll mention the election or unfounded allegations tonight, but it just might be what got me thinking in the first place.

Anyway, if you want to hear Self Help Radio be more crooked than it's ever been, the show is on tonight from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online at the Lexington Community Radio web site, especially if you choose WLXU.  Anyway, I am not a crooked!  Or something like that.

Preface To The Broken Show: On Other Radio

This has been an exhausting few days, radio-wise.

First I was asked to sub a show on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.  That would be tonight.  It's a jazz show.  I was asked last Thursday.  I started gathering the jazz.

Then I was told it was promised to someone else.  I put away the jazz.

Then the Station Manager of KNON told me he wanted me to do one of the nights; the other sub would do the other.  I dragged the jazz out & listened to jazz almost all weekend long.

Last night as I was falling asleep, I got a call from the Station Manager and the fellow who normally does the show.  The other sub didn't show up!  Could I do it?  I drove the forty-five minutes to Dallas in the middle of the night & jazzed for two hours.  It was not an inspiring set.

This morning I got two calls from the Station Manager.  The first said yes, I should also do the show tonight.  I was ready to marshal all the jazz.  Then another call came & said the other sub misunderstood instructions & wanted to do the show.  I was all right with that - better to find that out now than drive to Dallas & discover it that way!

Meanwhile, yesterday, I was asked if I wanted to sub the show before the jazz show I was then subbing on Wednesday morning.  Six hours on the radio?  Why the hell not?  So I said yes.

Which means I am still subbing a show on a Tuesday evening.  That's tonight, from ten to midnight central time.  So I'd best leave for Dallas now!

But man am I a little confused & a lot sleep-deprived!

Also, I have a lot of jazz that I will have to wait to use at some point later.