Best Coercive Spam Ever!

Oh wow I just got the best threatening spam ever!  It came from someone calling themselves this:

"Janiece August"

(It's nice to know that the CIA has offices in Gabon.)

It's entitled:

Central Intelligence Agency - Case #14857293

Here's a big jpg of the message, but I'll print it out below:

Here's what it says:

"Case #14857293
Distribution and storage of pornographic electronic materials involving underage children.

My name is Janiece August and I am a technical collection officer working for Central Intelligence Agency.
 
It has come to my attention that your personal details including your email address (gary@selfhelpradio.net) are listed in case #14857293.
 
The following details are listed in the document's attachment:
 
Your personal details,
Home address,
Work address,
List of relatives and their contact information.

Case #14857293 is part of a large international operation set to arrest more than 2000 individuals suspected of paedophilia in 27 countries.
 
The data which could be used to acquire your personal information:
 
Your ISP web browsing history,
DNS queries history and connection logs,
Deep web .onion browsing and/or connection sharing,
Online chat-room logs,
Social media activity log.
 
The first arrests are scheduled for April 8, 2019.
 
Why am I contacting you ?
 
I read the documentation and I know you are a wealthy person who may be concerned about reputation.
 
I am one of several people who have access to those documents and I have enough security clearance to amend and remove your details from this case. Here is my proposition.
 
Transfer exactly $10,000 USD (ten thousand dollars - about 2.5 BTC) through Bitcoin network to this special bitcoin address:
 
39bwp3VtpMNLPQHwk89FgkNbWo7eEGnR7b
 
You can transfer funds with online bitcoin exchanges such as Coinbase, Bitstamp or Coinmama. The deadline is March 27, 2019 (I need few days to access and edit the files).
 
Upon confirming your transfer I will take care of all the files linked to you and you can rest assured no one will bother you.
 
Please do not contact me. I will contact you and confirm only when I see the valid transfer.
 
Regards,
Janiece August
 
Technical Collection Officer
Directorate of Science and Technology
Central Intelligence Agency"

When I read the email to my wife, she laughed out loud at the line, "I read the documentation and I know you are a wealthy person who may be concerned about reputation."

They should've listened to Self Help Radio, & they'd have known at the very least that I am not at all concerned about reputation!

It's so beautiful.  The only thing that would make this better is if it were a song.

This Is A True Story With A Silly Punchline

Shared on Facebook today:

I went to an Indian store a few weeks back meaning to buy some yellow lentils & instead bought chana dal (which is chickpeas) & finally decided to make them last week & the recipe I found was super spicy & delicious but the thing is, the entire time I'm making them I'm singing a song to the tune of that Iggy Pop ditty:
"I could escape this feeling with my chana dal
Wake up in the morning where's my little chana dal"

My wife talks a lot more about divorce these days it seems.

The Future Of Self Help Radio

(Original picture here.)

Ooo, that's a dramatic title, isn't it?  The future of Self Help Radio!  How can a show that barely exists in the present have any kind of future?

This is really more about my future anyway.  If you listened to last week's show, this isn't a surprise to you, but you probably didn't so I thought I'd mention it on the blog.  Here's the news:

My lovely wife got a job at Oregon Health & Science University in Portland & we're moving there in May.  This is a big change, & it'll be intense - we'll be taking six animals & all our stuff two thousand miles away from here.  But it impacts this radio show I do in a couple of obvious ways.

One, I'm not going to be able to do the show for about a month, since, you know, moving & putting stuff in boxes, etc.  So the last Self Help Radio for a while will be April 12.  I don't know when I'll be able to start it up again but I'm thinking May 24th.  That's what it'll say on the web page, at any rate.

A subsidiary of this is, of course, I won't be doing the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON anymore.  That would be one hell of a commute.  I believe my last show will be April 2.

The second thing is, maybe Self Help Radio will find a home in the airwaves of Portland?  I am excited about this.  The show was not welcomed on the few spots it could have aired in D/FW, but I am hopeful there'll be opportunities for it in Stumptown.

That's the future!  So far away & so soon!

Self Help Radio 031519: It Depends

(Original image here.)

You know, I forgot the most famous "depends"-related poem in the English language.  Well, I forgot it while I was doing the show, but I remember it now:

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens

When we read that poem in my eleventh grade English class, half of my peers reacted with confusion & disgust.  How is that a poem?  One guy even counted - that's like sixteen words!  He would later be traumatized by haiku.

Now that that's out of the way, & despite the shit we're hearing from New Zealand, here's this week's show, about depending & dependence & stuff like that.  I had hoped to cover more about independence but time ran out.  It's ridiculous how little time two hours is!

The show is now at Self Help Radio dot net.  You'll need a password (selfhelp) & username (SHR) but those are pretty self-evident.  I just told them to you!  The songs I played & the stuff happening on the show are listed below.

Will you dig it?  It depends!

Self Help Radio It Depends Show

"You Can Depend On Me" Louis Armstrong & His Orchestra _1931-1932_
"I'm Depending On You" Otis Redding _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Dependence" P1/E _Second Offender (1980-1981)_

introduction & definition

"It All Depends On You" Frank Sinatra _The Columbia Years (1943-1952)_
"Depending On You" King Arthur Epps _Soul On Fire (The Detroit Soul Story 1957-1977)_
"Oh Baby, You Can Depend On Me" Luther Ingram _I've Been Here All The Time_
"Chemical Dependency" Bodhitrees _Katie_
"Dependence Leads Your Fortune" Roxy Epoxy & The Rebound _Bandaids On Bullet Holes_

Ned Dry interrupts to talk about his dependents

"Life Depends On Love" Bert Jansch _Nicola_
"My Dreams Depend On You" New Colony Six _Colonization_
"A Love You Can Depend On" Brenda & The Tabulations _A Van McCoy Songbook_
"Depend On Yourself" Joe & Eddie _Walkin' Down The Line_
"Depend On Yourself" B.T. Express _Give Up The Funk: The BT Express Anthology (1974-1982)_

interview with Depends sponsor/advertiser Berry Addington

"(You Can) Depend On Me" The Miracles _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 1: 1959-1961_
"Don't Depend On Me" The Fantastic Johnny C _The Phil-La Of Soul Singles Collection 1967-1973_
"I Was Depending On You To Be My Jesus" 1000 Violins _Like One Thousand Violins_
"I Don't Depend On You" The Human League A.K.A. The Men _Travelogue_
"Can't Depend" Sebadoh _Defend Yourself_

Marge Most reports

"Why Did I Always Depend On You?" Billie Holiday _Lady Day: The Complete Billie Holiday On Columbia (1933-1944)_
"Depend On Me" Joann Garrett _Just A Taste_
"A Girl You Can Depend On" Palace Guard _I'm Losing Tonight! Vol. 7: 30 Moody, Garage-Folkpunk Gems From The Midsixties_
"No One To Depend On" Coke Escovedo _Coke_
"Everything Depends On You" Dub Dickerson _Boppin' In The Dark_

announcement, conclusion, & goodbye

"Declaration Of Independence" Stan Freberg _The United States Of America_
"Declaration Of Independence" Count Five _Psychotic Revelation: The Ultimate Count Five_
"Declaration Of Independence" We The People _Too Much Noise_
"Declaration Of Independence" The Insect Trust _The Insect Trust_
"Independence Blues" The Crowd _Independence Blues_

Whither It Depends?

(Image from here.)

Oh hey.  Hey!  Over here.  Yeah, it's me.  Self Help Radio is new this week, after a week off.  I bet you kinda hoped it was gone for good, but no such luck!  Not only are we back, we're back with a really dumb theme: it depends.

What the hell does that mean?  Well, it means songs that talk about depending on people or things, & also songs about not depending on anyone, which, you know, is independence.  See?  Told ya!  A dumb theme.

The reason I'm doing this show is sort of stupid, too, & coincidental.  I was in a neighborhood supermarket some time around the beginning of the year & a customer was trying to get an opinion out of an employee, who didn't seem to feel confident enough about the subject matter, which was yogurt.  I myself was standing somewhat near to them, as in this supermarket, the place where the tofu & the tempeh is is next to the yogurt & the butter.  I was buying tofu.  I pretended to browse so I could eavesdrop.

The customer was my age or a little older & he seemed to need to know something about the yogurt in relation to what I believe was a recent development of lactose intolerance.  This he did not come out & say, so perhaps that explained the employee's hesitation to express a solid opinion one way or another, but this manifested in many rounds of a conversation like this:

Customer (holding up a small container of yogurt): "Is this a brand you think is good?"
Employee: "It depends."
Customer: "On what?"
Employee: "On your own preference."

The customer would then pick another brand & ask a similar question, often after poring over the little container.  The employee would wait patiently, & then be noncommittal all over again.

At some point the employee wandered away & (a person who I assumed was) the customer's spouse showed up & asked the customer, "Which one did he think was good?"  The customer said, "I think he liked this one best."

I was amazed.  I was convinced he'd be enraged!  But nope.  I thought, "I need to answer more questions with 'it depends'!"  People mainly want you to validate their own decisions, it seems.

& then of course I thought it might be a good show.  So I came home & started collecting songs.

Will it be a good show?  Let's not press our luck.  Let's just listen tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  I hope you'll listen.  I'm depending on it.

Preface To It Depends: Fucking Facebook

Facebook was down most of the day.  I was able to post my dumb pictures like I do to the Tumblr page (I also post them to my personal Facebook page) but after that, it wouldn't let me post nothing.

Yeah, I saw the double negative.  I did it on purpose!

This was bad for one reason that may not seem obvious, but a thing I do during the week (Sunday through Wednesday) is that I post a Youtube vid of a song on the show's Facebook page that I may or may not play on the show this week.  I don't know if anyone listens or cares but I like to be consistent.  & I couldn't post one today because, right now, I can't post anything to Facebook.  Not just nothing, I can't post anything.

Fucking Facebook!

Hard Times A-Comin'

"Hard Times A-Comin'."  Where did that come from?

Discogs tells me it's the b-side of a single by Earl Richards as demonstrated with photographic proof on the linked page.  (It for some reason won't let me upload the picture & it's just as well I suppose.)

But I haven't heard that single nor that b-side.  Speaking of, the Wikipedia entry about a- & b-sides doesn't let us know just why we refer to them as "a-sides" & "b-sides" although I suppose it makes sense.  Nowadays of course there are digital singles & they don't have sides.  They exist in the dimension of sound.

But back to the title of this post: why would I call it "Hard Times A-Comin'"?  Am I implying something?  Are you inferring something?  Are you one of those people who have a problem distinguishing between the words "imply" & "infer"?  In general, I never did but I did have someone once ask me, "What are you inferring?"  To which I replied, "I don't know, what are you implying?"  He didn't get the joke.

Frankly I'm lucky I didn't get beat up.

But I want to stress that I'm not talking about the country or the world or the economy or the climate or my old age or anything like that, although almost certainly hard times a-comin' for all those things.

Hey, maybe it's a message from my brain!  Do brains do that, send signals that hint at meaning?  Why would brains do that?  Wouldn't they want to be direct?  Brains don't have to be like religious texts or other mythic riddles, they can simply tell you what they want, right?  Or else - is that how we're wired?  To forever deal with ambiguous nonsense because we desperately need to trust our own interpretations?

Wow, that's depressing.  Is it true?  I don't know.  But if so, wow, how (let me reiterate) depressing!

Dogsitting

We're watching our neighbor's dog Brinkley for a week.  She went back home, which in her case is New York.  He's a sweet one, not terrible emotionally expressive, but needy.  When the wife left today, he waited by the door for her, not noticing that I was in my room.

But that's not what I was thinking when I thought of "dogsitting."  Like a child, in love with an old joke, I thought about actually sitting on a dog while watching it for its owners.  & because my brain is slightly diseased, it went back to something that disturbed me when I discovered its existence & that my brain wouldn't let me forget about, which is this: facesitting.

Now, I have of course heard the Monty Python ditty & I suppose I thought that song had something to do with the common Happy Days insult but the truth is I hadn't thought about it really at all.  Sit on it?  What?  Why?  Why a face?  That doesn't make any sense!

The Urban Dictionary has a very handy definition of facesitting though, some of which I will share here:

Face sitting is when one person sits on another person's face. Any gender can be the face sitter, & any gender can be the face sit recipient, or face "sittee." The face sitter can wear pants, dress, undergarments, be butt naked, etc.

Continue reading if you want more information, & be aware it's naughty, because facesitting is or ca be a sexual thing.  I did learn something new from this entry, though, which is: Face sitting is used in five main areas: Foreplay, domination, fantasy role play, mischief, or accident.

You may be asking yourself, how did Gary find out about facesitting?  Was it mischief or accident?  It was more than twenty years ago now, I was working part-time at an Austin video store mainly to get free movies, & the place had a porn room.  One small section of the porn room - I guess it was still too prohibitively difficult to watch videos online at that point - was dedicated to fetishes like facesitting.

Anyway, at some point it came to the attention of the owners or the manager that no one ever rented the facesitting videos.  So we wrapped them in plastic & put them up for sale.  & no one bought them.

One late night, a friend came by to take me out after I closed the place up.  He brought another friend, someone I only knew as an acquaintance, & that acquaintance found his way to the porn room.  I was counting money when I heard him exclaim, "Facesitting!  Holy shit!"

He was so excited by the videos - which, I seem to remember, did feature large women sitting on the faces of smaller men - that I told him he could have them.  I was frankly sick of them.  He carried out like the seven or eight facesitting videos like a happy schoolchild carrying the books of his beloved.

What the manager or the owners thought when they found the shelf empty of facesitting videos I don't know.  They didn't say anything to me, & I didn't rearranged the shelf to make it look like videos weren't missing.  Most probably, they forgot they were there at all.

Why does dogsitting make me think of facesitting?  I'm still a little jet-lagged, maybe, or my brain is just not right.  Probably the latter.

Self Help Radio 030819: You Gaze Out Into Space

It's very proper that the very male-centric Self Help Radio not have a show on International Women's Day, especially when I hadn't prepared for such a thing should I have done a show today.  Instead, as you know, I am in Portland enjoying myself.  In honor of the day, I'm going to see Captain Marvel at a beautiful old local place called the Bagdad Theater.

As for the fake theme up here: I play a dumb online game that I can't say I enjoy but I've been doing it for years & can't really stop & there's something that happens when you're playing & there's a time-based adventure & it's over but you'd have to log out for the links to disappear.  If you click the links, it'll say "You gaze out into space" with a black screen in front of you.  Today felt like that, had one gone to the website.

By the way, "gazing out into space" might be a terrible theme for a show. But in a sense, it's today's theme.

Nobody of course is missing Self Help Radio today but if you are might I recommend visiting the archive page & listening to an old episode?  That sounds like torture to me but maybe you'd enjoy it.

Meanwhile: a new show next week!  Hooray!

Enjoying Portland

Sorry if there's not been much action on the blog this week.  Portland has been delightful.  When we drove in, it snowed.  Today, just walking, it hailed, but in the afternoon the sun came out.  We're doing too much & eating too much & I'm not bothered that it's cold - the sun came out, after all.

This place is not at all like Fort Worth.  People walk, people bike, people seem to be out past eight pm.  We're going to a theater tomorrow.  I miss my animals but I'm glad to have uninterrupted sleep.

& yeah, I got to see the Monochrome Set last night.  I was dead tired from a day of traveling but it was super fun.

Here's the song "Portland" by Andrea Van Kampen I played on the Blend Tuesday.  She'd be happy to know it's been stuck in my head most of the day.

Portland

It's snowing. I never thought I'd drive through snow again. This is a lovely little town.

All right.  No time to dally.  Going to get pizza now at Virtuous Pie!

Being Coy? Moi?

It occurred to me that my last post, which mentioned there won't be a new Self Help Radio this week, didn't say what might be the reason for that.  Am I just taking a week off to be lazy?  Is there some sort of obligation?  Or might I be going somewhere?

Certainly I did not mean to be coy.  As I said on the radio this morning, I am visiting Portland.  The reason is sort of complicated.  It goes like this:

First, I haven't had a vacation for a while.  I honestly can't remember - maybe when we went to Pittsburgh this past summer was the last time I was separated from my animals.  But my wife is always traveling.  Granted, she did spend a lot of time with family in the past few months, & many people would refuse to call that vacation, but the point is, she was away from home.  I wanted to be away from home!

Second, thanks to Twitter, I noticed a few weeks ago that the legendary Monochrome Set were touring but, of course, not coming anywhere near here.  They were, however, going to be in the northwest in early March, specifically Portland, a town that I visited in November of 2017 & which I wanted to visit again.

It took a bit of cajoling (the wife is famously cheap) but she relented when she was able to get time off work, & we're leaving tomorrow for the Rose City & we'll get to see a band that I never imagined I'd ever see.  Plus, we'll eat like vegan kings - the town is the most vegan place I've ever been.

Naturally, my instincts failed me - it'll snow while we're there.  I've been told that Portland has some unbearably lovely days, but they don't happen in March.  It hasn't been too great in Dallas - it's been frightfully cold - but the sun visits more often than not.  I will probably not see much sunlight for the next four or five days.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention where I'm going.  Now I need to snuggle with my animals for a while.  I spend most of every day with them, & I feel separation anxiety when we're not together.  You'd think I'd feel relief, but nope.  Anxiety.

Know what?  I'll manage.  I need a week off!

A Week Off

Sort of.  I mean, I still have to do the Tuesday Morning Blend tomorrow, & I am always listening to stuff for Self Help Radio.  But yeah, I'm going out of town this week so there'll be limited action here & on the Facebook page.  Do you follow the show on its Facebook page?  You really should.

Not that anything exciting happens there, but then, nothing exciting happens here, & you're reading this.  Or are you?  I'm sorry, you were looking for what?  Some conspiracy page that claims that Luke Perry & the Prodigy guy were the same person?  What the hell?

Who would start a rumor like that?  & why?  To get people to their stupid blog?  It's disrespectful & it's dumb.  Don't blame me!  I though I had made it up & it wasn't even conceivable because it's so stupid!  Now I find out it's a thing!  Because everything is a thing! 

That's just great.  Damn, I need a week off.

Wait.

Self Help Radio 030119: So Much

(Original image here.)

On this week's show, which is so much show, we not only hear lots of songs about things & stuff that are so much, but we have special guests related to the So Muchies, the awards given for folks who have, do, or are just so much!  This is pretty amazing.  If you, like me, loved watching the So Muchies earlier in the week, you'll be thrilled to know we have its host & two of the winners!

My mind is still reeling with this.  Go listen to it already!  It's at the Self Help Radio website & you'll need, you know, the username (SHR) & the password (selfhelp) to listen.  The show's two hours long & what happens during the show is listed below.

Thanks so much for listening!

Self Help Radio So Much Show
"So Much" Jackie Wilson _So Much_
"So Much" Count Five _Psychotic Reaction_
"So Much" The Windbreakers _A Different Sort_

introduction & explanation

"So Much Song" Tanya Donelly _Beauty Sleep_
"It Hurts So Much" The Superbs _Anthology_
"So Much More" Tim & Adam _Tim & Adam_
"You Could Have It So Much Better" Franz Ferdinand _You Could Have It So Much Better_
"So Much About You" Lunchbox _The Magic Of Sound_

interview with So Muchies host & coordinator Kippa Love

"So Little Time (So Much To Do)" Louis Armstrong _The Complete Louis Armstrong Decca Sessions (1935-46)_
"I Love You So Much It Hurts" Floyd Tillman _The History Of Country & Western Music, Vol. 13 (1947)_
"The Book Was So Much Better Than The Picture" Jerry Lewis _Jerry Lewis: Capitol Collector's Series_
"Burning Airlines Give You So Much More" Brian Eno _Taking Tiger Mountain By Strategy_
"Only So Much You Can Do" Archie Powell & The Exports _Great Ideas In Action_

interview with So Muchie winner for So Much Anxiety, Todd Grub

"So Much Hate" East River Pipe _Oh, Merge: A Merge Records 10 Year Anniversary Compilation_
"So Much Fault" Dislocation Dance _Music Music Music/Slip That Disc!_
"So Much To Learn" Nikki Sudden _Fred Beethoven_
"Love You So What" Lloyd Cole _Bad Vibes_
"I Got So Much Trouble On My Mind" Joe Quarterman & Free Soul _Sir Joe Quarterman & Free Soul_

interview with So Muchie winner for Rocking So Much Harder Than Anyone, Lars Mars

"I Hate Myself For Loving You So Much" Betty Cody _The Successful Hillbilly Era Of Betty Cody (1952-54)_
"Not So Much To Be Loved As To Love" Jonathan Richman _Not So Much To Be Loved As To Love_
"So Much More" B'ehl _Bright Eyes_
"So Much To Do" California Oranges _California Oranges_
"Why Do You Have So Much Fun Without Me?" Barcelona _Simon Basic_

conclusion & goodbye

"So Much For Love" John Cale _Walking On Locusts_
"It's So Much Easier" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Ponyoak_
"So Much To Lose" My Dad Is Dead _The Taller You Are, The Shorter You Get_
"Miss It So Much" Röyksopp _Junior_

Whither So Much?

(Image from here.)

What can I say about a show that's about so much?  I should be able to say so much about such a show.  Instead, I find myself not really saying too much.  Which is not like me.  Is it?

In case I haven't told this story before: when I was in high school, to irritate my mother, who is German, I refused to take German as my foreign language requirement.  I took Latin instead.  Get it? It's a dead language!  Anyway, my high school only let you take two years of Latin, so I had to take another language for my senior year, & this time I chose French.  Fuck you, Mom!  (Don't worry, I decided to be a good son & took German in college.)

In French class, as opposed to Latin class, they had a penpal service you could use to write to people in the countries whose languages you were studying.  (I guess they wisely chose not to let teenagers write to priests who spoke Latin.)  I had like three penpals but they were too teenager-y & wrote only in French.  My French was not good.  But a girl from Belgium wrote me - her native language was Dutch - so she was mainly interested in writing in English.  That was easy for me!

Years later, I visited Germany & sneaked over to Belgium to meet her, & we were sitting in her dorm room - she lived at a Catholic co-op that very kindly also furnished me with a room for the night - & even though we had written many letters & even sent tapes back & forth to one another, she paused after I said something & said, "I didn't know you would talk so much!"

We're still friends.  I still talk so much.  But there's so much more to this week's show than my talking, thankfully.  Find out tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  You might find it so much fun to listen to!

Preface To So Much Show: MIA Today

Certainly I would like to tell you that I spent the day working on the show ("I worked on it so much today") but I didn't, really.  I mean, I usually put a slew of possible songs on my phone & listen when I can - making dinner, driving somewhere, on dogwalks if the wife is talking to her mom - that's usually several hours worth of songs.

Quick aside: the most covered song of the week, wanna guess what it was?  I'll tell ya later.

No, today I spent a great deal of time obsessing about the Michael Cohen testimony.  I read about it on Twitter, I watched clips online, when we went for a dogwalk, I read Cohen's prepared remarks to the wife.  It felt historical.  It felt like the beginning of the end.  But what the hell do I know?

Of course I have no insights about any of this.  I don't know if I've shared many political opinions on this or any other radio show I've done.  I can't imagine what I would say if I had to stand up & express my views with a bunch of people.  I am apparently bad at that.  For example:

There were people I used to know, I met them on a Usenet group in the 90s, it turned out they were very conservative although for some reason politics never came up, at least in email exchanges or whatever.  I used to joke that I was "somewhat to the left of Leon Trotsky," a line I stole from somewhere, or maybe I was repurposing a comparison I had heard about Reagan or someone that said he was "somewhat to the right of Genghis Khan."  Trotsky was pulled out of my ass, for no real reason.  I never really had any sympathy for communism in practice.  Anyway.

Years later, in a dumb discussion on Facebook, one of these people got angry at me & said I had "terrible, revolutionary ideas."  The person said, "I know how you really feel."  I didn't remember saying anything really political to this person, except maybe the Trotsky line.  So, you know.  It somehow triggered this person to believe I deserved an icepick to the brain.

& yeah, I am not revealing the gender of the person because I still know them a little & don't want to out them if they still pay attention to me.  I don't think they do, but I don't want to argue about something as dumb as my unexplained politics versus their hyper-partisan politics.

See?  This is what watching C-Span does to you!

& the song - it's Floyd Tillman's "I Love You So Much It Hurts."  I had a few covers of that.  I think I'll play the original, though.

Here's some dumb trivia: when I worked at the University of Texas, & managed students that helped faculty in the College of Liberal Arts with instructional technology, one of those students had the last name Tillman.  I jokingly asked if he were related to Floyd, & he said, "I am.  Probably distantly, but the family talks about him."

That was cool.

I Am Tired, I Am Weary

Do you know the song I am quoting?

I am tired, I am weary
I could sleep for a thousand years

It is of course the song "Venus In Furs" by the Velvet Underground, which I did not play on the radio this morning, choosing instead the less long & disturbing "Femme Fatale."

On the air I mentioned I have a huge crush on the long-dead Nico, who sang the song, which prompted a caller to ask me if I had to choose to between Nico & Ultra Violet, whom would I choose?  I said Nico, duh.  He seemed okay with that, so I suggested we double-date.

Here's a picture of Nico's "Screen Test" for Andy Warhol which I took in the Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh last summer:

That she was beautiful is beyond reproach.  Something about her singing seems to have puzzled as well as mesmerized many listeners.

There's a chance I may be dreaming this, but I recall reading an interview with Leonard Cohen - who had a dalliance with her, the lucky fool - in which he describes in some detail his encounter, & how puzzling it was, until he realized that she basically deaf.  I have scoured the internet for confirmation of this but have found none.  It's not like the kind Mr. Cohen to be pejorative.  But it seems he was incorrect.

In any event: I wake at 4am to go to KNON to do a show at 7am.  The drive is around fifty minutes from there to here (& back again) give or take the regularly scheduled stupid traffic accident.  Today that happened literally right before the exit to KNON.  How thoughtful!  A freak-out about being late for the show right as I neared the station!

& yeah, look, I know "Venus In Furs" isn't about being tired because you've been up way too long.  I get it.  But why should things we quote necessarily have anything to do with context?  Pretty much anyone who quotes a religious text is foregoing context.  For me, Lou Reed is as close to a religious text as I'll ever get - so I'm sure he'd understand.

Or maybe he wouldn't, but who cares?  As anyone who's studied literature will tell you, at some point it has nothing to do with what the author intended.  So many dissertations have flowed from this.  & it's fucking beautiful.

Tumblr Blog I Like # 5

Again, this is not a Tumblr blog, though I discovered this on Tumblr.  It's a site called They Can Talk.  I find it goofy & charming.  For example:

If we were friends on Facebook, you would have hidden me from your feed by now because I'm always posting comics like this.

Self Help Radio 022319: Submarines

(Original image here.)

Here it is!  The probably-not-long-awaited submarine show!  It took a while to surface but now it's finally here!

At this point there's not much else to say.  Lots of songs about submarines.  Lots of talk about submarines - even the edible kind.  Lots of lots about submarines.  See below!

Show now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Password is selfhelp, username is SHR.  Sorry it took so long.  Once I got started it went by in a flash.

Up periscope!

Self Help Radio Submarine Show

"A Submarine" Inertia _The Screen_
"Submarine" Whipping Boy _Submarine_
"Submarine" Adorable _Fake_

introduction, apologies, & definitions

"Submarine" Black Grape _It's Great When You're Straight...Yeah_
"Submarine" Mockingbirds _Mockingbirds_
"Submarine" Autumn Teen Sound _Millefeuille (Beikoku-Ongaku # 14)_
"Submarine" The Drums _Summertime! EP_
"Submarine" Grass Widow _Past Time_

interview with Jersey Mike's founder Jersey Mike

"Submarine" Still Corners _Creatures Of An Hour_
"Submarine" Robert Wyatt _Different Every Time_
"Submarine # 3" The Starlight Mints _Random Access Music Machine: US Pop Life, Vol. 7 - Experimental_
"Submarine Bells" The Chills _Submarine Bells_
"Submarine Dream" The Apples In Stereo _The Discovery Of A World Inside The Moone_

interview with submarine ride proprietor Elmer Boyden

"The Submarine Race" The Visuals _The Poplar Records Story_
"Submarine Race Watching" The Escorts _7 Wonders Of The World_
"The Submarine Races" Jan & Dean _Ride The Wild Surf_
"The Submarine Race" Bob & Ray _Bob & Ray Classic, Vol. 1_
"One Of Our Submarines" Thomas Dolby _The Golden Age Of Wireless_

a very brief history of submarines

"I'll Be Your Submarine" Jenny Adkins _I'll Be Your Submarine_
"Cute Submarines" The Jazz Butcher _Illuminate_
"Up Periscope" Insect Surfers _Wavelength_
"Midget Submarines" Swell Maps _A Trip To Marineville_
"U Boat" A Frames _Black Forest_

conclusion, apologies, & goodbye

"Purple Aeroplane" Spike Milligan _Spike: The Best Of Spike Milligan_
"Yellow Submarine" The Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band _Hot Heat & Sweet Groove_
"Yellow Submarine" Bill Ramsey _Pop In Germany Vol. 2_
"Brown Submarine" Boston Spaceships _Brown Submarine_
"Thin Black Sail" British Sea Power _Valhalla Dancehall_

Show Delayed

(Image from here.)

Hey, sorry, some other things got in the way of me finishing the show today.  It's really all my fault but rather than releasing it some time tonight when my head is above water (that's not really a joke but it may seem so because the show is about submarines), I'll just delay it for a day, & the show about submarines will happen tomorrow at noon.

Thanks for your patience, & again, I'm really sorry.  I will try to make sure I'm on time regularly from now on.  Like I normally am.  This is not going to become a habit is what I mean,

Meanwhile, enjoy one other graphic, this one altered by me, the original of which I found here, which is cute but makes little sense because it's about television & Self Help Radio is (thankfully) not a television show.

Again, sorry.

Whither Submarines?

(Image from here.)

Why in the world is Self Help Radio about submarines this week?  & didn't you already do a show with the theme "underwater"?

To answer the last question first, yes, a show about things underwater aired in 2006.  That was thirteen years ago, however, & anyone who might have listened to that show is now so old they doubtless have become hard of hearing, myself included.  Although I don't think I listened to that show.  I didn't much like Self Help Radio in those days.  I often did the show under protest.  The underwater show under protest.  But that didn't help.

To answer your first question last, I am doing this show because Jenny suggested it.  That was simple, wasn't it?  Why didn't you think of that?  It's so easy!  Just contact me here or on the show's Facebook page or even on the show's Twitter page & say, "Hey man, why don'tcha do a show about _____?"  You will want to check the show's "Table Of Contents" to see if the theme has been covered before, but there's a good chance you'll have something interesting & new for me to cover.  Unless you're being cute & you think you'd like to hear a show about "chance."  I done that already.

Tomorrow at noon on Self Help Radio dives deep with a show about submarines.  Let's hope it doesn't give you the bends!  (I'm pretty sure I used that same joke thirteen years ago.  But who cares?  The people who might've listened can't hear anything very well anymore!)

Preface To Submarines: The Ballad Of Peachy & Bootsy (Part III)

Sorry.  This has nothing to do with submarines.  I am recounting my weekend adventures with two feral neighborhood cats which we trapped, got spayed & neutered (one of each), & put in my garage to recover.  When we last looked in on them (yesterday), a day had passed since their operations, & they had somewhat settled into living in the garage.

Peachy was the most brave, sleeping on a dog bed we put on a table for that very purpose.  He also seemed to be doing most of the eating.  Bootsy hid where she cold, mainly in-between shelves behind a big box.  I tried to put her food as close to her as possible, so she'd have a chance to eat.

They finally started to use the litter box, but didn't know how to cover their litter.  Feral cats, man.  Their parents don't teach them shit.  Literally.

The neighbor (who trapped them & took us to the vet for the spaying/neutering) would visit & they were way more comfortable around him - they seemed to have forgiven him for, or forgotten that he was instrumental in, trapping them.  He had been feeding them for months now, it made sense.  The wife told me that Bootsy's eyes, as big & beautiful as they were, seemed mostly full of fear.  I tried to make their stay as stress-free as possible.

But we couldn't keep them forever, & they would have been very hard work to tame, to integrate into a household.  They were feral from day one.  So I needed to plan to let them out.  That's the whole purpose, of course, of trap, neuter, return (or catch, spay, release) programs.

One big obstacle was our neighbor.  He & his wife already have maybe six cats, & couldn't adopt new ones, but I think he expected me to keep them as long as I could to possibly adopt them.  He was mad, for example, that they clipped the ferals' ears, since he felt that might hinder future adoptions.  He cautioned me to keep them a day longer.  He was philosophical when I told him I planned to let them go on Monday.  But he didn't try to guilt me any more than he had.

The truth is, I always intended to let them go.  But I wanted to make sure they were well.

On Monday, I opened the garage door.  It was loud & we were there, so the cats continued to hide.  I lowered the garage door to cat-height, & the wife & I went for a walk with our dogs.  When we got back, our feral guests were gone.

Something in me was sad & offended - I thought they might want to stick around.  But most of me knew they were miserable in there.  They had never really known shelter & confinement.  It wasn't their way.

At some point today I saw Peachy wandering around.  I haven't see Bootsy but the wife says she has. I think we've probably done as much for them as possible - the neighbor will continue to feed them.  I hope they live long lives in their freedom.  I feel like we've given them a chance of sorts.

But, yeah, I miss them.  I go into the garage & it feels wrong.  Every cat should have a place with some human, like my cat Bronte is sitting & purring next to me as I write this.  It's a sadness that this is not the case.

The Ballad Of Peachy & Bootsy (Part II)

As discussed yesterday, a neighbor helped me & my wife trap two ferals - named Bootsy & Peachy - & we took them this past Friday to get spayed/neutered.  We believed Bootsy was a girl, & Peachy was a boy.  We were right!  We dropped them off in the morning.

The neighbor & I returned before three (the information they gave us warned that they closed at four, no exceptions! which made me wonder if we didn't show up, did they just let the animals go?), & picked the sweeties up.  We discovered, yes, Peachy was male, & that not only was Bootsy a girl, but that she had been about a month pregnant.  This may offend the antichoice people out there, but Bootsy's litter was prevented from being brought to term.  Cats have a gestation period of around two & a half months, & we had noticed Bootsy's milkshake bringing all the toms to the yard earlier in the year, so apparently there had been successful coupling.  She was in fact around a month pregnant.  Well, no more.  For me, it was a relief - who knows what lives those kittens - or Bootsy herself - would have led?  Hunger, privation, suffering, death.  I felt somewhat gratified that we broke the cycle that Bootsy's mother probably lived in.

They were sedated when we brought them home, which means freaked out in most cats.  Seriously, they do not chill on pain meds.  We knew Bootsy would need more calm to recover in, so we put her in the two-floor cage we bought for Vincent, in our garage.  We let Peachy out, into the garage, & he promptly hid.

One thing my neighbor told me is this: "I've never met a cat who didn't know how to use a litter box."  Well.  I met two!  Oh, they eventually learned how to use it, but not before Peachy pissed on lots of things in our garage.  Not only that, but once he stopped being doped up, he decided to climb.  To climb!  Here he is at the top of our garage:

Poor thing.  The vet said he was three or four years old, & his face suggests he's seen some skirmishes.  The neighbor told me that, once he uses up his testosterone, he won't want to fight for mating or territory any more.

Bootsy (whom the vet said was one or two years old) stayed in the cage for a little over a day, & she didn't really eat or drink.  She was quite miserable.  As you can see:

At some point on Saturday, we let her out of the cage - not the garage! - we thought she was better & we hoped she might relax a little bit.  Fat chance!  Like Peachy, she found a place to hide & retreated there when I showed my face.  But I knew they were safe from the cold & that there was food & water for them.

& a litter box too, if they would just learn to use it.

The Ballad Of Peachy & Bootsy (Part I)

On Thursday, using traps we borrowed from the nice folks at Panther City Feral Cat Coaltion, we caught - well, I should say our neighbor caught - he had been feeding them so they trusted him as much as they were able - this is convoluted - there were two ferals our neighbor had been feeding.  He was the one who brought the cat who was known as Wookie but who is now called Vince to our house as I discussed previously here when Vince showed up looking bad & all torn up.  Anyway, there were these two other ferals, we discussed trapping them to fix them, & got the traps.  But it was our neighbor who got the ferals to be comfortable around the traps, & he then put food in them, & they walked right in.  It was the first time I'd seen that & it was extraordinary.

They were so frightened.  We put them in my garage & covered them up.  We needed to keep them overnight to take them to a clinic the next day to get them spayed & neutered.

We called the two cats Peachy (he was the one we thought was male, & we think he could be related to Vince, perhaps his son or grandson) & Bootsy (we presumed she was female & her name had nothing to do with bass guitar but with cute little white "boots" she seemed to have on her feet, contrasting with her mainly furry black body).  I was up late Thursday working on the show & I could hear the cries from the garage - mainly I think from Bootsy.  I don't think Peachy vocalizes except perhaps when he's in a fight.  While Bootsy is black & sweet & demure, Peachy is scarred & rugged.  I of course felt sad hearing it & I had to keep reminding myself we were helping them, not torturing them.

The next morning, our neighbor drove us to a clinic in Cleburne (just a few miles down the road) (he has a truck) where they offer free spaying & neutering but only for the first twelve or so cats.  We arrived more than thirty minutes early, & Bootsy & Peachy were fourth & fifth.  I was impressed, & a little terrified, at the assembly line process they have, but they're doing good work.  I was a little sad to leave the kittens there but I knew they were in good hands.

There's more!  I'll continue tomorrow.  Plus, I'll have pictures.  Promise.

Self Help Radio 021519: Steam

(Original image here.)

Steam!  It's a digital distribution platform developed by the Valve Corporation for purchasing & playing video games!  That's so uninteresting!  But wait!

Steam is also the vapor that water's converted into when heated!  That's the stuff!  You can make a radio show out of that kind of steam!

We have firsthand knowledge of steam.  It's what makes our kettles whistle when our water's hot enough.  It used to power trains & boats but for all I know it still makes a calliope go.  Some of us enjoy soaking in hot tubs & basking in the steam, & a thankfully smaller amount of us enjoy so called steam rooms in saunas & spas for reasons that are probably inexplicable at least to me.

It's hard to get steamed at a celebration of steam, is what I'm trying to say.  & luckily for me, that's what this week's Self Help Radio is about.  See details below.

Listen at Self Help Radio dot net.  Use this username: SHR.  Use this password: selfhelp.  Use your best judgment if wanting to listen around friends.  They might not understand & you may never see them again.  This is what happened with my family.

Steam!  It may be science, technology, engineering, art, & mathematics to you, but it's a fine radio show to me!

Self Help Radio Steam Show

"Steam" Caroline Day _Girls Will Be Girls, Vol. 2_
"Steam" The March Violets _The Botanic Verses_
"Steam" The Aluminum Group _Plano_

introduction & definitions

"Head Full Of Steam" The Go-Betweens _Liberty Belle & The Black Diamond Express_
"Dreams Of Steam" Elk City _Status_
"Steam Heat" Patti Page _The Mercury Years, Vol. 2_
"Steamroller" Merry Clayton _Merry Clayton_
"Steam Away" The Flying Lizards _Fourth Wall_

a discussion of the history of steamboats

"Steamboat Man Blues" Clara Smith _Folk Music In America, Vol. 8: Songs Of Labor & Livelihood_
"Steamboat (Keep Rockin')" Bud & Joe Billings _Singing Pals From Kansas_
"Steamboat Days" Richard Amerson _Alabama From Lullabies To Blues_
"Steamboat Whistle Blues" Roy Acuff & His Crazy Tennesseans _1936-1939: Steamboat Whistle Blues_
"Steamboat Boogie" Ricky Riddle _MGM Hillbilly, Vol. 2_

a brief interlude before another round of steamboat songs

"Steamboat" The Drifters _Let The Boogie Woogie Roll_
"Steamboat Bill" The Coffee Bar Skifflers _Skiffle Showcase_
"Collectors Item Show: Fulton's Steamboat" Bob & Ray _Bob & Ray Classic, Vol. 4_
"Steamliner" The Flames _Syde Tryps, Vol. 6_
"Rachael Built A Steamboat" The Teardrop Explodes _Wilder_
"Channel Steamer" Nikki Sudden _British Airwaves_

a discussion of the history of steam locomotives

"Last Of The Steam-Powered Trains" The Kinks _The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society_
"Columns O'Steam" The Lucksmiths _A Good Kind Of Nervous_
"The Little Steam Engine" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"Steaming Train" Talulah Gosh _Steaming Train EP_
"The Man Who Thought He Was A Steam Train" Clive Product _Financial Suicide_
"Steam Of Hercules" Bob Mould _Silver Age_

a discussion of idioms involving the word "steam"

"Barnum's Steam Calliope" Sunset Four _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Vol. 1: 1917-1927_
"The Steam Is On The Beam (vocals, Kay Thompson)" Johnny Green & His Orchestra _From Out Of Nowhere_
"Steamer" Joey Bellomo _Party Party Party (34 Raw, Ruthless, & Rugged Sixties Garage Rockers)_
"Steam Comes Off Our House" De Rosa _Ballads Of The Book_
"Smoke & Steam" Trembling Blue Stars _She Just Couldn't Say_

conclusion & goodbye

"Hamam" Transcendental _Steam - Hamam: The Turkish Bath (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_
"Steam" Jah Wobble & Brian Eno _Spinner_
"Days Of Steam" John Cale _The Academy In Peril_

Whither Steam?

(Image from here.)

That web page where I got the image of the kettle above reminds me, "Steam is an invisible gas. You cannot see steam. What you see when a kettle boils is actually tiny drops of water."  Well la de da!

I almost used this image to illustrate steam:

(This image from here.)

In either case, I suppose, the steam is invisible - unless you're in a comic.

Why do a radio show about steam?  Is it an obsession with steamboats?  Steam-powered trains?  Kettles?  I can't really remember.  It happened recently - I put this show together far more quickly than I usually do - but for the life of me I can't remember what started me down this path.

What I'd like to pretend is that it was an accident, that I kept hearing songs about steam when I wasn't paying attention, & that the songs were really about something else, something that vaguely rhymes with steam.  Yeah, let's say that.  It's all a mistake!  & like steam, it's immaterial!

Tomorrow at noon we'll all get steamed up.  Self Help Radio dot net.  The last of the steam-powered radio shows?

Preface To Steam: The Three States Of Matter (Forgetting Plasma)

Here's today's lesson.  Read along!

"Matter can exist in one of three main states: solid, liquid, or gas."

That's fine but wait there's more:

"In extreme environments, other states may be present, such as plasma, Bose-Einstein condensates, & neutron stars."

All right, now that we're got that out of the way what do you mean there's more:

"Further states, such as quark-gluon plasmas, are also believed to be possible."

Ha ha, let's just stay with the most common states of matter oh you have something else to add:

"Much of the atomic matter of the universe is hot plasma in the form of rarefied interstellar medium & dense stars."

Ah.  Well.  It's just that the show this week is about steam, which of course is the gaseous state of water, & we're not really going to talk about plasma you see.

Damn it.

Bose-Einstein condensates???

Another One Down

(This is a boring "Gary-is-bad-at-Pledge-Drive" post.  Feel free to ignore or read the others I've written over again, as this will not have any new information in it.)

Boy, am I bad at Pledge Drive.  There are doubtless many reasons for this, from how most people who listen to them don't pledge to radio stations to I have not nor have ever been a good salesperson, but every time I do one of these - & I believe I've done like twelve or more of them for KNON by now - I feel like I have tried everything there's nothing else I can do.

Something we did at KOOP down in Austin - I've mentioned this before - we had someone come in whom we called a "choreographer" whose job it was to take care of the pitching - they went to special classes & also were deejays good at raising money for their own shows - while the regular deejays concentrated on making sure the show sounded good.  KNON does not do this - it's every show for itself.  & today, though I had two people helping me with phones, neither wanted to be on air, so they didn't talk.

But I will say that I was bad at Pledge Drive on KOOP too so maybe I am romanticizing the idea of the choreographer.  Or looking for someone to blame!

The whole idea of community radio, of a place where people who love music can come & do radio & it not be polluted by corporate nonsense & interference - that idea is something I love so dearly, I have given so much of my time to it for over twenty-five years now, the sad fact that I can't properly convey that love in a way that encourages people to help keep this thing I love on the air, that's the worst thing for me.

& the long drive home - I don't believe I've ever had a "walk of shame" - or else I did but didn't feel any shame, really - that drive home is one long drive of failure.

& I feel like it's troubling that I really can't do any better.  I will spend the week - I am certain I have to do another pledge drive show again next week - trying to research more fundraising techniques.  But the show won't be thematic - the last two "theme" shows failed to raise very much money - & I'm not sure I can tailor my pitches any better to the listener than I have.

All right, enough, I could go round & round in my head doing this.  The few people who pledged these two weeks - their names are Al, Justin, Carole, Valerie, Tim, Connie, Gene, Cynthia, & Natalie - I thank them deeply & am glad someone called.

The first hour today was frickin' brutal.

Schedule Change

You might have noticed - you probably didn't - but maybe you did - that the Self Help Radio web site said this week's theme would be "Radio On The Edge."  But on Saturday that changed to "Steam."  What's that all about?

It's all about my stupidity.  I've done this a couple of times before, & truly that's surprising - I've been making these theme-based radio shows for sixteen years now - but I try really hard not to repeat a theme.  I even made a page of all the themes I've covered - it's right here - mainly so I could check to see if I might have covered a theme before.

A few weeks back, when something inspired me to do a show about "edges" (it seems dumb but sure most of my themes are a little dumb), I went to that page, looked to the letter e, & found no "edge."  So I started working on the show.  I even announced it on last week's show!

But something kept bugging me.  I felt déjà vu more than once.  So I decided to look through my old playlists - maybe I did a set of "edgy" songs on the Tuesday Morning Blend or something.  But no, a deep dive into forgotten radio show playlists resulted in the discovery of a show with the theme On Edge.  Same difference.

Criminy crackers, Gary, why not just call the theme "edge"?  Why "on edge"?  Because.

It caused me to scramble, I added a theme I would've explored in a month or so, I don't know why I didn't just move next week's up a week, it just happened & I've been putting songs on the Self Help Radio Facebook page, I guess the show'll be about steam this week.

The thing is, I'm not steamed about it at all.  I'm glad I caught it.  How embarrassing if I repeated a theme!  I'm not quite senile yet!

Anyway, you didn't notice & you don't care but here was a glimpse of some behind-the-scenes nonsense.  I just hope I haven't explored "steam" yet!

Self Help Radio 020819: Valentine's Day 2019 - Flirting!

(Original image here.)

Valentine's Day is just around the corner!  & across the street.  Up the road a ways.  But in six days it'll be here!  Whee!

Okay, look, I know it's weird to do a Valentine's Day almost a week before Valentine's Day but this show happens on Fridays so if Valentine's Day is on a Thursday, I have to do a Valentine's Day on the Friday before the holiday.

& you may ask why do a Valentine's Day at all?  Do you really celebrate Valentine's Day?  Yes, yes I do!  On this show.  That's about it.  My wife hates flowers.  & she's suspicious of romance.

So listen to today's show to find out way too much about flirting through music & talking.  The show is now at the Self Help Radio website.  The songs & talk are listed below.  Remember!  You'll need a username (it's SHR) & a password (it's selfhelp) to listen.

& have a happy Valentine's Day, you shameless flirt you!

Self Help Radio Valentine's Flirting Show

"She's A Flirt" The Jewels _B-Bomb Baby_
"He's A Flirt" The Sequins _Nitty Gritty: 30 Floorshaking Northern Soul Classics_
"Flirt Bliss Love Kiss" The King of Luxembourg _Bellissimo! Él Singles_

introductions & definitions

"The Flirting Kind" Elvis Costello _Punch The Clock_
"Flirt, Hurt & Desert" The Fuzztones _Preaching To The Perverted_
"The Flirt" Shirley & Lee _Let The Good Times Roll_
"Flirt!" Jonathan King _Try Something Different_
"They Say It Is Sinful To Flirt" The Delmore Brothers _Classic Cuts 1933-1941_

interview with flirting expert Dr. Jack Dick Curvybody (Part I)

"I Know What Boys Like" The Waitresses _Wasn't Tomorrow Wonderful?_
"Flirt" Chris Spedding _Cafe Days_
"Flirtation Walk" Gordon McRae _Motion Picture Soundstage_
"Busy Flirtin'" Bobby Hendricks _Itchy Twitchy Feeling_
"Little Town Flirt" The Intelligence _Everybody's Got It Easy But Me_

interview with flirting expert Dr. Jack Dick Curvybody (Part II)

"Brass In Pocket" Suede _Ruby Trax NME Roaring Forty_
"Congregations For Anti-Flirts Inc." Thee Kavaliers _Congregation For Anti-Flirts Inc. (The McAllen, Texas Teen Scene 1965-1967)_
"Flirt A Rio" Piero Umiliani _Easy Tempo, Vol. 4: A Kaleidoscopic Collection Of Exciting & Diverse Cinematic Themes_
"Flirt" Arab Strap _Monday At The Hug & Pint_
"Flirt" Cameo _Alligator Woman_

Gary talks to himself & plays clips of his favorite flirt

"I Don't Flirt Anymore" Homer & Jethro _Wanted For Murder_
"Don't Flirt With Me" Hank Thompson & His Brazos Valley Boys _Hank Thompson & His Brazos Valley Boys, Vol. 1_
"Flirtin'" The Osmonds _Osmonds_
"Shameproof Flirt" Nothing Painted Blue _Monte Carlo Method_
"Flirting USA" Peace _Happy People_

a discussion about "flirty fishing"

"Little Flirt" The Ravons _Quagmire Vol. 2_
"Flirty Baby No. 2" The Raymen _Link Wray:‎ Missing Links, Vol. 1 - Hillbilly Wolf_
"Little Miss Flirt" The O'Kaysions _Girl Watcher_
"Flirtation" St. Christopher _Lioness_
"Accidental Flirt" Elizabeth Harper _Elizabeth Harper_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Flirting Around" Gregory Isaacs _King Jammys Presents: The Best Of Gregory Isaacs_
"Baba Jinde (Flirtation Dance)" Babatunde Olatunji _Drums Of Passion_

Whither Valentine's Day 2019: Firting?

(All of these images came up with I used Google's image search for "flirting.")

Look at those pictures up there!  Flirting is super weird!  According to Google, it's apparently only done by white people in their teens & twenties!  If you don't believe me, put "flirting" in the image search & go to town.  Young, white, pretty town.  That's where the flirt is.

Valentine's Day is one of those shows where I kinda sorta revisit a theme, except I don't really.  It's just got to be related to Valentine's topics, like crushes or jealousy, like famous lovers or heartbreak.  You can actually see all the show's Valentine's Day playlists by clicking here & I believe last year's show - it was about roses - is still available to listen to if you want.

Flirting wasn't an easy show to put together, maybe because, as you'll see, there are different ideas about what flirting is.  Flirting is such an inconsequential part, most of the time, of a relationship, that it's often overshadowed by falling in love.  It's usually just about attraction, & often not serious.  But there are some great songs about flirting!

You'll hear them tomorrow, at noon, at self help radio dot net.  I promise it won't be creepy.  I won't be doing the flirting.  Just the songs on the show.

Preface To Flirting: Flirting Videos Online

Whatever you do, don't search for "how to flirt" videos on Youtube.  You get results like this:

Please don't watch that, it may make you sad.

Also, just don't search for "how to flirt" on the internets either.  You get articles like the one on Wikihow that tells you the two best ways to flirt.  Only two?  What a rip-off!

No, no, all you need to know about flirting you can find out on this week's show.  Just in time for Valentine's Day!  Which will be like six days away.  I mean, I can't do the show after Valentine's Day, that would be awful.  But the closest show to Valentine's Day is six days away.  Sorry about that.

All right.  Stop looking at flirting videos online!  I warned you!

It's The Little Things

As predicted, I didn't do too well raising money for KNON during their Winter Pledge Drive.  I have explicitly told the Station Manager that I would gladly quit doing the show if he had someone who could raise more money than I do (or don't, as the case may be).  I would not be offended.  I am terrible at it.

& yet, as I drove home this morning, I wasn't all that depressed.  I enjoyed chatting with Pippin & Carole on the air, & I enjoyed the show I put together.  (I certainly liked it better than my first stab at the theme sixteen years ago!)  We had some great premiums, but no one wanted them.  One person said I was his favorite Blend deejay, which is always sweet to hear, but that's got to be a small number, & only a fraction of folks can pledge to radio stations.  The fault, I am sure, is me.  No salesperson I.

The wife, who's visiting her sisters & mother in California, talked to me suspiciously, like I was hiding my feelings, but really, it didn't bother me much.  Should there be a shake-up & I lose the show, my show would barely be missed - I have seen dozens of "popular" shows disappear from the airwaves with great sadness only to have them virtually forgotten mere weeks later.  This certainly happened with Self Help Radio in Austin, & it wasn't a well-loved show in any sense.  The fellow who took over the timeslot has been doing it for far longer than I was ever there.

So I suppose I'm using perspective, or something, to rationalize my failure at this.  I've been doing the show for a year now, people have a sense of what to expect when they turn the radio on on Tuesdays & tune into KNON.  If things, premiums, tickets, shirts, etc., is what is needed to convince people to donate to a show, I fully understand why they might wait to do so when a show they really love is on - or a show where they know the deejay.  I have very few friends in the Dallas area, & they don't listen to my show or to Self Help Radio for that matter.  As for family, well, they've never been supportive of anything I do, so I wouldn't expect them to listen, let alone pledge.  Even if they had some money to spare, that would be the last thing it would occur to them to do.

They always say when begging for money on the radio not to threaten - "this show won't be here if you don't pledge" - because it turns people off, but I think I would feel a strange satisfaction if that's the reason I lost the show.  I don't know if anyone at KNON has lost his or her show in the recent past for that reason, but perhaps that's because I'm certainly the one who deserves that the most.

Do you know those super rich conservatives (it seems like they're mostly conservative) who give millions to political campaigns, etc., because they basically take a shit in their golden bathrooms & simultaneously make a million dollars from capital gains?  If each one of them just picked a community radio station - there aren't that many in the US - & started a trust - just drop, say, fifty million dollars each - they wouldn't even notice it was gone - these stations wouldn't have to do pledge drives.  Ever again.

That's something to aspire to.  If you're a rich conservative - especially if you wasted money in the 2016 election on candidates who couldn't beat Trump - email me & we can chat.  I know at least three stations that you can choose from - there are more - & it might be the only good thing you ever do with your money.  & I'm not talking NPR stations!  They're doing fine.  Email me, we can talk.  Wouldn't you love it if your legacy was ending pledge drives on KNON forever?

A boy can dream.

In Twelve Hours

In twelve hours I'll be on the road going to do the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON, & it'll be the first Pledge Drive of the year.  & while I enjoy putting pledge drive shows together - they're the closest I get to Self Help Radio on KNON - I hate the begging for the money.  I would rather do anything than have to beg for money on the air.

Here are twelve things I'd rather do:

1) Take up curling as a hobby.
2) Wait in line.  In the cold.  With people who are really, really excited about waiting in line.
3) Discuss current events with libertarians.
4) Write a twenty page paper about a subreddit which deals with Christian interpretations of Black Mirror episodes.
5) Sit silently in the corner during a heavy metal concert (no earplugs).
6) Watch a film about skydiving as a preparation to taking skydiving classes.
7) Memorize all the ingredients in various topical creams for later declamation.
8) Befriend the least-talented member of a junior college improv group.
9) Politely listen to any know-it-all discuss the dangers of veganism to me.
10) Watch one of those long boring movies I always fall asleep during but with electrodes on that shock me every time I doze off.
11) Have a meal with any of my siblings (they chose the place).
12) Rub the hair of a bear in a lair in the opposite direction.

Okay, the last one was something Stephin Merritt would rather do than lose your affection.

The point is, I don't really want to do it.  But I will!  Tomorrow.  7-9am cst.  Ugh.

Self Help Radio 020119: Garages

What is a garage, really?  Does it have to have a door?  Does it have to have something parked in it?  Is there any real similarity between a parking garage & your next-door neighbor's cluttered two-car garage?  Do you think it's fair to use the word "garage" as a synecdoche in the case of places where people take their cars to be fixed?  What should we store in a garage?  What should we make in a garage?

None of these questions are asked or answered on today's show.  Honestly, they didn't occur to me until just now.  Which is unfortunate, but that's the nature of my brain.  Instead, I visit a garage, I talk to the officer that arrests the guy at that garage, I hang out with a talking dog, & my wife calls.  Not all at the same time.  That would be craziness.  But the point is, I should've asked more questions about garages.  Oh well.  Maybe if I do a show about carports.

The show of course is at the Self Help Radio website whenever you want to listen.  User the username "SHR" & pass the password "selfhelp" in order to listen.  What might you be listening to?  That's below.

Also, if you need to get in the garage, the code is 123321 & you'll need to hit the arrows to open it.  If it doesn't open, hit the # symbol or the arrows twice, then reenter the numbers.  It's still not opening?  You hit the arrows again afterwards?  Can you just try the opener?  It's in the car, dude.  I swear I put it...  Okay.  I'll be there as soon as I can.

Self Help Radio Garages Episode

"Garage Fire Blues" Memphis Minnie & Her Jug Band _Queen Of The Country Blues: All The Published Sides 1929-1937_
"Two Car Garage" Dick Thomas & His Nashville Ramblers _25 Country & Western Songs Of The 40s_
"À La Porte Du Garage" Charles Trenet _The Extraordinary Garden_

introduction featuring Edgar Lou, the talkative terrier

"In Jim's Garage" I, Brute Force _Confections Of Love_
"In My Garage" Kim Fowley _Sunset Boulevard_
"Garageland" The Clash _The Clash_
"One Fella's Family: Garage Trouble" Bob & Ray _Classic Bob & Ray_
"Paradise Garage" Tim Curry _Fearless_

field report: a visit to Byron's garage

"Death Garage" Peter Holsapple _Big Black Truck_
"Double Garage" Voice Farm _The World We Live In_
"Garage Full Of Flowers" Inspiral Carpets _Cool As_
"Lucky Duck Garage" The Firesign Theater _Dear Friends_
"Joe's Garage" Frank Zappa _Joe's Garage_

interview with Officer Pendragon

"Heartbreak Garage" Pere Ubu _Story Of My Life_
"In The Garage" Weezer _Weezer (The Blue Album)_
"Garage Sales" Collin Moulton _Collin Cleans Up Well_
"My Friend's Garage" The Pearly Gatecrashers _Popsuey_
"Twenty Four Hour Garage People" Half Man Half Biscuit _Trouble Over Bridgwater_

a discussion of garage sales Gary's wife calls

"Man In A Garage" Coldcut _Sound Mirrors_
"Multi-Family Garage Sale (Bargain Bin Mix)" Land Of The Loops _Bundle Of Joy_
"Dwight Twilley's Garage Sale" Red Dirt Rangers _Starin' Down The Sun_
"Big Ass Garage Sale" Bill Chambers _Sleeping With The Blues_
"Garage Sale" Nerf Herder _IV_

the shortest Self Help Radio airbreak ever?

"Stuck In Thee Garage" The Dirtbombs _Dangerous Magical Noise_
"Garage Full Of Love" Xerox Feinberg _Introducing... The Horrible Blob_
"Le Garage" Futureheads _The Futureheads_
"Garage Apartment" Super XX Man _X_
"Garage In Drift" The Hit Parade _Cornish Pop Songs_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Man Of Constant Sorrow (With A Garage In Constant Use)" Half Man Half Biscuit _Half No-One Cares About Your Creative Hub So Get Your Fuckin' Hedge Cut_
"Forty Years Old & I'm Livin' In My Mom's Garage" Austin Lounge Lizards _Never An Adult Moment_

Whither Garages?

For about a month - from mid-December to mid-January - a stray cat lived in our garage.  I spent way more time in the garage than I ever really had.  Normally, I'm in there to get to the car, or the lawnmower, or the foodstuffs we store there.  Until the cat (whose story I talked about here on this blog) stayed there, I never, for example, sat on the garage floor.  There was no reason to.

Maybe that's what inspired this show about garages.  I don't know.  I lived in apartments growing up, & well into my college years, so I never had a garage until I was maybe 36, 37?  That garage also mainly held the car.  It also held our dog food, which was constantly being eaten by rats.  It had rats, too.  I remember my girlfriend at the time (now my wife) being amused when I bought a heavy container with metal edges to store the dog food in.  The edges, of course, were how the rats gnawed into the containers.  I was annoyed at the rats.

That's one garage story, might there be more?  Of course there are more!  Consider that a taste!

The show happens at noon tomorrow at self help radio dot net.  Maybe you have a garage too?  Maybe you'll play the show for your garage?

Preface To Garage: What Is Garage Music?

Here are two musical descriptions of the word "garage":

(This is from Wikipedia: "Garage rock (also called '60s punk or garage punk) is a raw & energetic style of rock & roll that flourished in the mid-1960s, most notably in the United States & Canada, & has experienced various revivals since then. The style is characterized by basic chord structures played on electric guitars & other instruments, sometimes distorted through a fuzzbox, as well as often unsophisticated & occasionally aggressive lyrics & delivery. Its name derives from the perception that groups were often made up of young amateurs who rehearsed in the family garage, although many were professional."

The second (also defined in Wikipedia) is this: "Garage house (originally known as 'garage music'; also 'New York house') is a dance music style that was developed alongside house music. Garage, which had a more soulful R&B-derived sound, was developed in the Paradise Garage nightclub in New York City & Club Zanzibar in Newark, New Jersey, United States, during the early-to-mid 1980s. There was much overlap between it & early house music, making it difficult to tell the two apart. It predates the development of Chicago house, & according to All Music, is relatively closer to disco than other dance styles. As Chicago house gained international popularity, New York's garage music scene was distinguished from the 'house' umbrella. Garage led to other styles of music such as speed garage & UK garage."

Could this have led to any confusion?  Might record stores simply have a "garage" section where both genres (& their sub-genres) ended up?  I dunno, but I do have a story:

In the summer of 1997 (22 years ago!), I was working as the Programming Director at KVRX with a fellow named Chris, who did a house music show.  I don't recall its name.  I wasn't familiar with house, or any modern electronica, really, at the time, so he would talk to me about it & I would listen politely, not really having much interest then in the genre.  But he told me he was going to do a show about garage music.  That was something I knew something about, & wondered how he would manage to mix that into his general repetitive thumping with the occasional vocal.

He was nonplussed.  His idea of garage music was (as the second definition above notes) basically the same as house.  So he played me some garage music.  I laughed & told him that that wasn't garage music, & I played him "Pushin' Too Hard" by the Seeds & "Mr Pharmacist" by the Other Half.  No way was that garage music, he said.  I told him he predated his garage music by two decades & had to bring up a page on the web that traced the history of garage rock.

"Garage rock," he said, as if he'd won the argument.  "This is garage house."

"Don't just call it garage, then," I said.

It was a friendly disagreement.  He didn't like the kind of garage I liked.  I don't think I ever listened all the way through one of his shows.

Put These Faces In Alphabetical Order

(I'm paraphrasing here) Number one wash the affected area in your own usual way & dry as thoroughly as possible.  Did you see the medicated plaster?  Not the unmedicated plaster, that's for later.  Okay!  Yes!  Then number two put the medicated plaster on the place you previously washed.

Wait, did you just say "warshed"?  Where are you from?  Because that is some hicky Southern pronunciation right there.  I have to get the warsh from the warshing machine I bought in Warshington state.  All right, all right, don't get your tank top in a tizzie.

Number three, wait forty-eight hours.  Two days.  Two nights & two days.  Don't be impatient.  Don't be impertinent.  Don't be importuning me in any way about this.  Starting the moment you put the plaster on, forty eight hours.  Four eight.  Six times eight.  Four times twelve.  Two times twenty-four.  Forty-eight mother father hours.

Did I mention soaking?  I thought I mentioned soaking.  Maybe add to number one "soak in warm water."  Unless that's how you clean?  Do you clean by soaking?  Who does that, really.  At best soaking is, as the poet put it, "A twenty-minute soak can improve how you think & feel/That’s time well spent each & every day, you heel."  Or is that in the bibble?

Let's skip number four which is just repeat as necessary & then go straight to number five which is sexy like broccoli covered in wafers: Only do this for fourteen days.  A fortnight!  After that, give up!

The origin of the word "fortnight" seems pretty self-expository.  As the Wickerpedia says, "The word derives from the Old English: fēowertyne niht, meaning 'fourteen nights.'"  It does not, as the Wackapedia says, "derive from the New English fort night, meaning 'two weeks in a fort is like one night in a fort.'"

How do you feel now?  Does it work?  Is the plaster painful?  Is the plaster painful as a pest?  As a pestilence?  As a petulant parrot pretending to pout?  As a portentous polygon past its prime?  As a pretentious primadonna prancing & preening?  As a portmanteau pulled peevishly by poorly-paid porters?  As a puffin pining for the Pacific?  As a possibly pleasant pastry packed with pineapple pectin?  As a peripatetic plumber planting posies in Palermo?  As putrid pumpkin placed prettily on pieces of pie?  As perverse proclivities proscribed from the pulpit?  As people pointing politely at puzzled policemen?  As perturbed payment for pandemonium?  As piles of putty plopped perfunctorily in public by playful Parisians?  As posh poseurs perplexed by polygamy?  As peculiar peroration per Pinter or Proust?  As provocative papal pontification perceived & pooh-poohed?  As pure, palliative potables partaken poisonously?  As paradoxical positions plainly proclaimed?  As peanut passion?  As potato precipitation?  As preposterous parties plagued by penguins?  As pointless pigs prestidigitating? As pitiable partridges parting in poverty?  As parboiled pantaloons?

No?

Well, if you say so.