Yesterday In Boxes

A week from now I should be in New Mexico, in a small town a hundred miles from Albuquerque, which happens to be around five hundred miles from where I am now.  The place we'll be living in Portland is over two thousand miles away so we're going to need to drive five hundred miles a day to make it.  We'll be in two cars, our own & a rented minivan.  The plan now is to have the dogs drive with me, & the cats in the minivan.  They will be in carriers, to minimize stress.  The dogs will sleep as they always do in the backseat.

As for me, I'm a little leery of such long drives.  It has to be done, & we'll do it, & we won't be driving through densely populated areas, so it should be fine.  When we drove from Memphis to Fort Worth nearly three years ago, we arrived in town on a Friday at four pm.  It took longer, it seemed, to get from Dallas to Fort Worth than from Texarkana to Dallas.

Today I finished packing up my cassettes.  I found a whole lot of old radio shows, most of them from my KVRX days.  Way back when I did my seventeenth anniversary show, I tried to find a copy of the original show to digitize to share.  I found it, actually.  It was in another box with all my other radio shows.  I listened, briefly, to a couple of them.  I feel like I should digitize them - who knows when the cassettes will finally give out? - but I don't think I'll listen to them any more than I do my current shows.  & no one else really wants to listen to them, do they?

A few years back - it's been ten years! - when we moved from Huntington to Lexington, I gave away most of my vinyl.  (If I had known how beloved vinyl was at WRFL, I would've waited to donate it to that station.)  I now have three boxes of it, including my singles.  I really thought I'd have more.  I have five of the same boxes of cassettes.  I really need to have less.  & oh shit, where the hell are my videotapes?

Also I started packing my CDs.  That'll be done early tomorrow.  The movers come to take all of that away on Thursday, & then - we have an empty house for a few days.  It's going to be quite strange.

It's all going to be strange, until it isn't.  It's such an adventure, this moving.  I guess I never felt like I'd stay in Fort Worth forever.  Anyway.  Enough of this.  More packing to do.

Today's News

One: I got new glasses.  They're progressive lenses, so I imagine I will have difficulties.

Two: I am going to see Endgame.  The movie is seventeen hours long.  So, you know.  My day is shot.

Self Help Radio 042619: April 26th

Holy moly, I am counting six times Self Help Radio has fallen on April 26th!  This is interesting (to me at least) because there are days of the year when no Self Help Radio has aired.  Despite doing around fifty shows a year for nearly eighteen years.  That's more shows than there are days in the year!  For example, there has never been an episode of Self Help Radio on February 3rd.  That's odd, right?  Is it because that's Norman Rockwell's birthday?  I don't know!

But on April 26th, the following themes were explored:

Pennies (April 26, 2006)
Busy Busy Busy (April 26th, 2010)
Indiepop A To Z # 31 (April 26, 2011)
Indiepop A To Z # 40 (April 26, 2013)
Indiepop A To Z # 50 (April 26, 2016)
& Indiepop A To Z # 53 (April 26, 2017)

You'll notice a bit of a trend toward the end there - it's been my habit since 2014 to return to my never-to-be-finished series "Indiepop A To Z" every four months.  I almost made it every three months & maybe one day I will.  It will take me a decade to get through the letter S.

All of the indiepop a to z episodes are over on the Self Help Radio Archive Page.  There's a lot more to listen to.  Remember: username is SHR, password is selfhelp.

We are just a little over a week away from leaving.  My room is a mess.  I'm a little nervous.  But gosh I think it was a good idea to stop doing the show for a time.  I would be even worse now if I did the show up until the very last minute!

True Doctor Story

This was just shared by me on Facebook:

Today I got a physical & afterwards they handed me some paperwork I didn't bother to read.

Sometime in the afternoon, I got a call from the doctor's office.

"Mr. Dickerson?" the person on the line said. "We're so sorry about the mistake on your patient report."

"What mistake?" I asked.

"Instead of noting your blood pressure," she said, "we accidentally wrote that you're HIV positive."

"Oh my!" I said.

"We're very sorry," she said. "If you'd like to come in for a corrected report, we can give it to you."

"No, no," I responded. "This one is all right. Anyway, I'd really like to scare my wife."

Too Many Cassettes: An Introspection

We are moving, as you know, in less than two weeks.  I have too many cassettes.  They fall into these categories:

1) Very old cassettes of me as a kid recording shit with friends & alone
2) Cassettes of things I recorded from vinyl that I either sold back or borrowed from someone (later I would do the same with CDs)
3) Cassettes people made for me
4) Cassettes I made for people but never sent (not a large number)
5) Recordings of radio shows I've done (I stopped recording them on cassette - this is true - around 2006!)
6) Commercial cassettes I either bought, got somewhere, or were given to me
7) Mix tapes I made for myself back in my walkman days (this includes tapes of albums that I taped because I couldn't carry a turntable with me on the bus)

There are a lot of cassettes.  Too many.  & I am getting rid of some, especially the ones that I have other forms, in better quality media.  Why keep them?  It's silly.

The ones that are most interesting to me are the old recordings, because I haven't listened to them in years, perhaps decades.  Some of them I don't even remember making.  There was a time when I had cassettes & a recorder nearby always, because I would send tapes to friends or I would want to talk into the recorder or whatever.  Cassettes were ubiquitous.  It's why I have so many!

But my weird insight today is this: I have romanticized my life with cassette tapes.

Let me clarify: I don't miss them.  I never liked their sub-par sound quality.  I never liked the fact that, if you had a certain number of minutes per side, you'd have to fill all of it, or get long hissing silences.  (CDs stop when the tracks you've burned onto them end, you know.)  I of course hate rewinding.  I have cassettes that I have obviously "operated" on - I cracked the case & used tape to splice broken ends together.  Scotch tape!  Nothing fancy!

What I'm talking about is that I felt like there were treasures on these tapes.  I wish I could explain it better.  I thought the me on these tapes was worth preserving, & carrying around from Austin to Huntington to Lexington to Fort Worth, from numerous residences in those cities, & now to the Pacific Northwest.  & you know what?  It's not.  The me on the tapes isn't really worth preserving.

If most of those tapes disappeared tomorrow, I might be a little sad, but I don't think I would miss them much.  I don't even know if I'll ever listen to them again as it is.

Tonight I digitized one of them, a faux recording session with two friends in high school.  They are musicians, I am someone trying (& failing) to be funny while yelping in a microphone.  These days I am way too self-conscious to do such a thing - I guess I hadn't yet become entirely aware how utterly talentless I was - so there is a kind of wistfulness to experiencing my exuberance.  I knew I was pretending to be a rock & roll star but I still also kinda believed I could be a rock & roll star.  Life had yet to knock me down a few pegs, a few feet, a few flights of stairs, a few levels.

The radio show tapes may demostrate the same thing, & maybe one day I'll digitize more of them.

Still.  I'm taking a lot of them to Portland.  But I'm hoping to leave a lot of them behind.  Half, maybe?  Or more?

"What a treasure trove!" a friend said today when I sent a pic of a big box of cassettes to her through text.  Oh yeah.  It's treasure.  But it's fucking cursed.

Still Thinking About This House That Is Emptying Slowly

As I write this, a nasty storm is rolling through Fort Worth.  I am not a meteorologist or anything, but I do notice that storms are nastier in this part of the world than in other places.  In Lexington - which, don't get me wrong, has nasty storms as well as tornados & such - it seemed like it could rain all day & it would just be rain.  No thunder, no lightning, just endless rain.  That hardly ever happens here.

Another thing to note: it usually doesn't rain during the day here.  It happens at night, like now, where there's always a chance the power will go out.  I type frantically in anticipation of that event.

This is a dumb thing I remember about rain in West Virginia, where, like in Lexington, it didn't seem to storm much.  I told a friend that the rain was more beautiful unaccompanied by lighting & thunder, that it seemed more "poetic."  She made fun of me for weeks after that, she'd ask, "How is your poetic rain?"  I deserved that.

My little dog Winston hates the thunder, & needs to be cuddled while it's storming.  He gets nervous & shivers & for some reason wants to go outside, to panic in the rain.  Like he thinks the thunder is coming from inside the house.  It's a shame he feels this way, & it's something he's picked up in his later years, possibly since we've returned here.  I don't know if it storms like this in Portland.

Speaking of: two weeks from tonight, I will be sleeping in a hotel room & not in this house.  We moved in here at the end of the year 2016, so we only lived here for two years or so, but I have loved this place like no other home I've had.  I don't know why that is - I haven't been crazy about the town, or the sad lack of opportunities for Self Help Radio, or the perpetual months of heat, but I've loved this house, this little room where I've made the show, the kitchen where I cooked, the backyard where the dogs played.  I know a home is just a place & you find your home where the things & people you love are, & I trust my wife to find another place in Portland for us, but that doesn't make it any easier knowing we'll be saying goodbye to this place soon.

Now I need to see if the dogs will brave the rain before they go to bed for the night!  Rain is something else we'll have to get used to, too.

A Modest Observation

In about two weeks, we leave this home where I've lived for over two years.  We are boxing things up & getting rid of things & taking things off walls.  In certain rooms, there is a pronounced echo that wasn't there a week ago.  In these ways does a house stop being a home.

& it makes me think: how strange it is that the last moments one lives in a place so resemble the first moments one lives in a place.  Because when we moved into this house a little over two years ago, it so resembled what I am seeing now.

Except.  I was unfamiliar with everything, & now I know this place as much as I've known anywhere I've lived.  It's a strange sadness, a feeling of loss, & luckily keeping busy keeps that at bay.

Self Help Radio 041919: April 19th

There was an idea I had: while the show was on hiatus, I'd feature some show from the past - I mean, I've been doing this for almost seventeen years! - that happened on the same date.  It turns out, April 19 is a pretty well-traveled moment on the calendar for Self Help Radio!

Two years ago, I did a show about umbrellas.  Should you be so inclined, you may listen to that show in two parts right now: part one & part two.  (You'll need a username & password, & that will be SHR & selfhelp in case you didn't know.)

Three years ago, in 2016, there was a show with the theme everything's fine.  Do you remember, back in 2016, when everything seemed fine?  Me neither.  But you can listen to that show, if you want, by clicking on part one & then part two.  Same password situations apply.

But wait!  There's more!

In 2013, on April 19, there was a show with the theme on my mind.  You were on my mind then.  But I didn't reupload the show, sorry.

On this day in 2011, the show explored songs involving the word crawl.  That would've been one of the earlier WRFL shows.  How wonderful it might be to hear that show!  But you can't.

A year earlier, in West Virginia, the show examined the theme mushrooms.  No one listened to the show in West Virginia except people at WMUL, & the Station Manager himself called & said it was amazing I did a show about mushrooms on 4/20.  Except it was 4/19.  & I'm not that clever.

We can go way back, though.  To one of my favorite episodes, which aired in 2006.  I have no idea if the show is any good, but I enjoyed making it.  Self Help Radio wasn't even four years old.  I had the idea of making a show where all the songs were covers of 1980s tunes.  I called it "the eighties, translated".  I don't know if it were well-received or what.  But I had a lot of fun.

Believe it or not, there are still days in the calendar which have never had an episode of Self Help Radio aired on them.  April 19 is not one of those days.

Now.  Back to packing!

Our Correspondence Was Very Weird

Guess what I'm doing here:

A process in the weather of the heart
He put on his clothes & stepped out & he died.
I who was shapeless as the water
Of unremembered skies & snows
Shall I unbolt or stay
Hearing the raven cough in winter sticks
My world was christened in a stream of milk
I climb to greet the war in which I have no heart but only
The jacks of frost they finger in the hives
But for the common wages
For my voyage to begin to the end of my wound
Possessed by the skies
And the doors burn in their brain
And every stone I wind off like a reel
So fast I move defying time, the quiet gentleman
How of my clay is made the hangman's lime
Escapes to the flat cities' sails
He drowned his father’s magics in a dream
Dry as a tomb, your coloured lids
Know now the flesh's lock and vice
Or waves break loud on the seashores
Being innocent, he dreaded that he died
As I rode to sleep the owls were bearing the farm away
Your sport is summer as the spring runs angrily

What I did was, I was reading Dylan Thomas poems, & I took lines from them - the first line from the first one, the second line from the second one, all the way down to the twenty-fourth line & poem.  It almost makes sense!

This I'm doing instead of packing.  Aren't I glad I gave up my radio shows?

Putting Stuff In Boxes (An Obloquy)

This is the way my mind works: I decide to write about putting things in boxes, & suddenly I think of this word: obloquy.  What the hell?  Where did it come from?

Well, according to Etymology Online, it's from the Late Latin obloquium, meaing "speaking against, contradiction," from comes ultimately from the Latin obloqui, "to speak against, contradict."

It means verbal abuse, usually in public.  But that's not what I meant.  I was asking, "Where did it come from in my mind?"

Why would I want to hurl verbal abuse ("evil speaking") at putting stuff in boxes?  Is that even possible?  Does a task have agency?  Or would I be targeting myself, as the person who is putting things in boxes?  Is there any way to know?  Do I even care?

This post has nine questions.  Here are the answers:

1) I know!

2) Asked & answered.

3) You know a lot of words, sometimes they just pop up, unwanted.  It doesn't have to mean anything.

4) You wouldn't.

5) Probably not, unless it's in a poem or some shit.

6) Again, probably in a poem.

7) No, I think the question (such as it was) was about the act, & therefore you couldn't really be obloquious toward it.

8) Sure.

9) Not really.  But there's space to fill.

There's not going to be a countdown or anything, but we leave in about twenty days.  That's not a lot of time.  I probably should be putting things in boxes instead of talking to you.

It's So BORING To Talk About DREAMS

Uh oh.

This is true: I dream a lot.  I always have.  Sometimes my dreams have felt more real than my life, which says nasty things about my life, not my dreams.  I had a dream I fell in love with a girl I never met in a dream in high school, & almost convinced myself she was real.  It was only when I tried to figure out how someone could appear to you in your dreams - trying to work out the mechanism - that I realized it was only a dream.  Also, she looked a lot like a girl I was crushing on in school.

There's one recurring dream - it's not that the dream is recurring - there's an element of dreams that happens or has happened enough times that it's seemingly recurring.  It's this: I dream that I have written & maybe even performed a song.

It's usually just one song.  In the dream, I'm reflecting on how hard it was & sometimes I even think I don't like the song, but I say to myself, "Hey! At least I wrote a song!"

& it's not like I just wrote the words.  Nope, in the dreams what gives me satisfaction is that I not only did that, but I wrote the music & possibly even played some of the music.

It probably wouldn't surprise you that not only could I fail to carry a tune in a bucket but also I have no natural ability when it comes to music.  I can barely grasp the basics of music theory.  Oh hell yeah I can talk for hours about lyrics in a song & I can chat about some elements of the composition but ask me what key it's in?  Forget it.

The treacherous thing about these dreams is not just that I am somehow goofily proud & even a little smug that I wrote a song, but that often - like this morning - I wake up thinking, "Yeah, I'm glad I was able to write that song that one time, & then record it."

Of course, I've never done that.  & it dawns on me as the morning wears on & I start trying to think about the song.  When did I do all that writing & music playing?  Why?  Where is the song now?  Why am I not thinking about it all the time if I'm so durned proud about it at the moment?

Oh yeah.  There's no song.

Yes, I was in a "band" in high school where I shouted improvised lyrics into a recording device.  But my friend Russ went back & added all the music touches - all the instruments, really.  The song was barely mine & I of course wasn't singing & didn't have a sense of melody or anything.  The same thing happened in my living room fifteen years ago with friends from radio where they played their guitars & I sang along with them.  But those weren't my songs.

Still, I am not angry about these dreams.  They let have a feeling of accomplishment I don't normally feel in real life.  If only I could remember as I'm waking up that there's no song, no song of mine, anywhere but my dreams.  That sleepy realization is the worst part.

Hm, this wasn't entirely about dreams.  Still, it probably was pretty boring.

The Beginning Of Six (Or So) Long Weeks

There was this book I was fascinated with when I was a kid because I like trivia, it was called the Book of Lists.  I must've thumbed through it hundreds of times.  At some point, one of my older brothers brought home - or I saw at his house - something called The Book Of Rock Lists (which existed because imitation is the sincerest form of flattery & also because The Book Of Lists was bestseller).  I was a big Beatles fan at the time & there was a whole section for the Beatles, including something I had never heard: rumors of Paul McCartney's death & replacement in the mid-1960s.  That freaked me the fuck out.

The original copy is long gone, so my memory might be faulty, but I recall a long list of how rock & rollers died.  One of those was a fellow named Johnny Ace, whose music I had never heard at the time.  He was in the list of "rock & roll suicides."  He had died on Christmas Day, 1954, backstage, while playing Russian Roulette.

Years later, when I was finally exposed to some of his songs, I remembered that entry & wondered, "If you die by Russian Roulette, is it really suicide?"  The other thought is, "How shitty is being a musician if in your down time you wile away the hours playing Russian fucking Roulette?"

It just so happens that today I was listening to some Johnny Ace & of course the story of his death popped into my mind.  I wanted to read more about him.  That Wikipedia article I linked to mentions how he died, but suggests a more sensible scenario, told by the bass played for Big Mama Thornton, his name was Curtis Tillman (Ace was touring at the time with Thornton): "I will tell you exactly what happened! Johnny Ace had been drinking & he had this little pistol he was waving around the table & someone said ‘Be careful with that thing…’ & he said ‘It’s okay! Gun’s not loaded… see?’ & pointed it at himself with a smile on his face & ‘Bang!’ — sad, sad thing. Big Mama ran out of the dressing room yelling ‘Johnny Ace just killed himself!'"

There must be a word for the satisfaction one feels when something that was unexplained but which one took to be true is cleared up.  I felt that today.  & it made it easier to enjoy the tunes I was digging.

Hey! I told you I'd write in the blog in the usual way despite the show being on hiatus!  This is the sort of shit you're going to have to get used to!  (For a while.)

Self Help Radio 041219: Indiepop A To Z # 59

(All covers found on Discogs.)

Here it is, the first installment of Indiepop A To Z of 2019 - & the last Self Help Radio from Fort Worth, Texas.

It's been a bit weird, I realized that fact (you'll hear it on the show) toward the end & now everything feels a little sad.  I wasn't this sad when I was at KNON, probably because I wasn't doing the show I love doing, & also from inside my home with my animals around.  I have spent about two & a half years in this room of mine with all my music around me, with a dogbed under my desk & just behind me (often populated by cats), & soon enough - in just a little over three weeks - this space will no longer be mine.  The power of endings is intense.

Speaking of endings, I also didn't finish the letter M.  I have like three or four more bands.  Why not just put them on the show, Gary?  Because I didn't want to go over two hours.  But in August, I promise, we finish M & start the letter N.

For those keeping count at home, we began the letter M in episode 53.  We'll finish in 60.  I should do some sort of accounting... No!  Gary!  You have to start packing!

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website.  Remember to find the username + password there, or here: SHR/selfhelp.  The songs I play, hopefully with the artists in alphabetical order, are below.

No new show till the middle of May!  However did you get so lucky?

Self Help Radio Indiepop A To Z # 59

"Riches & Wonders" The Mountain Goats _All Hail West Texas_
"Devil In The Deep Blue Sea" Mousefolk _Hazy Tambourine Days_
"Living Room Picnic" Moustache Of Insanity _Moustache Of Insanity_

"Love Me Or I'll Kill You" Mouth _Love Me Or I'll Kill You_
"Michael, Michael, Michael" The Moving Jelly Brothers _You Can't Be Loved Forever 2_
"Blay" Moving Pictures _Without Friends_
"Save It" Stuart Moxham _Personal Best_
"Number 4 St. James's Square" Mr. Martini _Abracadabra: The "Magnificent Triviality" Of Él Records_

"Around The May Pole" Mr. Wright _The Fancy Man_
"Bent Backwards" Mrs. Kipling _Sunny Sunday Smile_
"Solace" Muggins _A Chance To Shine: A Dorian Records Compilation_
"The Two Of Us" Mumbles _Breaking Up EP_
"Demain" Mumbly _Seven Summers (International Pop Vol. 2)_

"Go Honey" Greg Murray _Go Honey_
"Dream Sequence 1" Pauline Murray & The Invisible Girls _Pauline Murray & The Invisible Girls_
"Giving Way To Trains" Murrumbidgee Whalers _Giving Way To Trains_
"Going Crazy" Musical Chairs _Time Lapse EP 7"_
"Plain" My Autumn Sons _Perfect_

"Cigarette In Your Bed" My Bloody Valentine _You Made Me Realise EP_
"Burning Hearts" My Favorite _The Kids Are All Wrong_
"She Fakes Apples" My Finest Hour _Grimsby Fishmarket 4 Norrkoeping 0_
"Better Things To Do" My Friend Wallis _Split 7" with Watermelon_
"Something" My Guru Says _3 Seasons Are Enough!_

"You Feel Loved" My Laundry Life _The Art Of Science_
"You Don't Sparkle (In My Eyes)" My Life Story _Mornington Crescent_
"Kowloon Park Swimming Pool" My Little Airport _Hong Kong Is One Big Shopping Mall_
"My Little Brother" My Little Brother _A House Full Of Friends_
"Capital Of Norway" My Little Pony _Making Marks_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 59?

(I had to ask dictionary.com.)

Here we are, again, listening to & talking about this almost-forgotten musical genre called "indiepop," plus progenitors & influences when possible.  Do you really need me to talk about it some more?  I normally program this show every four months but (in case you've really not been paying attention) (& if so, good for you!), I'll be taking a break while we move from Texas to Oregon.  I have a lot of records & CDs & stuff I'm going to pack earlier than usual.  The wife gets a little stressed out & we're not in Portland yet where it's legal to buy things to help with one's stress.  You see?

Also: I thought I'd finish the letter M tomorrow but now I'm not so sure.  I have spent the day gathering music & I always find more than I intend to.  Now & then I wish I has simply gone down the list at twee dot net but of course that's not me.

Okay.  Tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net, two hours of indiepop.  Hope you can join me.

Should I also mention that this is the blog's 3100th post?  No?  Then I won't.

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 59: Fifty Nine?!?

Is there a word for when you end a sentence with more than one question mark or exclamation point?

Is there?!?!

If you end a sentence with more than one period, it becomes an ellipsis.  I understand that an ellipsis is generally thought of as three dots, but I've known people who use as little as two & have seen sentences end with four or more.  I'm an old-fashioned three dot ellipsis kind of guy myself.  Anyway, I'm not talking about ellipses.  I promise...

At the radio station I just left, one of the fellows who does promotions loves to double up his exclamation points.  I would link to a page but it probably won't still be there after some time so let me get a screen shot.  I haven't seen this, I just know it's going to be there.

Yup:

Seven sentences in the copy (not counting the header).  Five end with double exclamation points, one surprisingly has only one (what did Cynthia ever do to KNON?), & one (the only imperative sentence) rates a period.

For me, I prefer three or more exclamation points to indicate boundless excitement & three or more questions marks to demonstrate serious confusion.  But my favorite is the mixture of exclamation points & question marks that I asked about at the beginning of this post.

If there's a name for it, I wanna know.  I love using it in combinations like:

This one?!?

Or this one!?!

Or some version of this one!?!?

But never ever like this!!??

Or this??!!

That doesn't make any sense.

Nor does anything I've written here.  What does any of this have to do with indiepop?!?!

Whatever I May Misremember

I woke up this morning at 5am.

Lots of people do that, I know, I'm not asking for applause.  But you must understand, most every Tuesday for the past year, I've awakened at 4am, taken a shower, let the dogs out, gave the cats a little more food, grabbed the last few things I wanted to play, & headed out (around 5:30) to Dallas to do a show.  A show called the Tuesday Morning Blend.  Which happened this morning without me.

Please don't think I'm sad about it.  I'm really not.  But my body & mind, which know things I might not be entirely aware of, wanted me up this morning at 5am.  I wandered around the house - this house that I won't live in in a month - & I drank some water & I think I might have hit my arm because I woke with a gash - with my little dog Yoko licking it suspiciously - in any event, it was a lovely night, the windows were open, I went back to sleep a little confused.

That'll pass.  A few minutes ago I listened to the first few minutes of today's show hoping I might get a slight mention but nope.  It's not my show anymore.  This is going to sound a bit envious & pathetic but it's true.  I handed over the Facebook page I created for the show to its new host, & he has many, many more Facebook friends than I do & doesn't mind blanket-requesting them to like the show*.  So while I had for the year I did the show maybe fifty "likes," over the past week it has more than quintupled.  I gave the new host admin privileges but can't seem to delete myself, so I keep getting these likes for a page that is no longer mine.  I suppose I've become numb to it but when KNON deejays who knew me, who knew I had a show, but chose not to "like" the show's page, & yet are now doing it when another person has taken it over - you know, it makes me feel I was not very much cared for at the place.

But of course I'll never be there again, & at some point I'll figure out how to extricate myself from that situation.  The truth is, despite the sting of one's peers being absolute dicks to you & not even knowing it, I don't miss the place or the show.  I didn't feel an emptiness or anything like when I have left other stations.  But then again, those stations/shows weren't disrespecting me right & left in ways I can monitor.  Maybe I would've hated that too!

Seriously, I have no idea how I cut my arm.  The wound is about an inch long, & there's blood on my sheets.  I remember the first time I heard about hemophilia, I worried for a moment I was hemophiliac & feared bleeding to death when I didn't know I was bleeding.  What I have might be far worse.  I injured myself in a kind of confusion & don't even feel pain.  I just notice it later.

UPDATE: I think I removed myself as any kind of person who can affect the page.  Let's hope now the notifications will stop!

* I didn't do that.  I asked maybe twenty people.  Many people who are "friends" with me on Facebook I haven't seen or spoken to in five or more years.  I don't really interact with them on Facebook, either.  They have never shown an interest in listening to me on the radio & if they "liked" the show it would be out of politeness & doubtless they'd make me like something they're doing that I would do out of obligation.  I don't think the new host of the show has the same qualms.

Hey! Didya Know?

(Remind me to tell you about the origin of the phrase "Hey! Didya know?"  I could probably also share some samples.)

You might not have listened to last week's Self Help Radio, but if you did you might not have noticed something - something I am stupidly proud of.

It was I think quite an achievement - a radio show full of songs that all mentioned every day of the week.  That was cool.  I think I did a good job.  But!

Hey!  Didya know?  All the other pieces, created by me & my collaborators - the interview, the fake ads, the interstitial "funnies," & the airbreaks - even the intro! - all of them also mentioned every day of the week.

Did I do that on purpose?  Of course!  Am I a little too self-satisfied right now?  You bet!

Self Help Radio 040619: The Days Of The Week

(Original image here.)

The show is a day late & it was recorded while a thunderstorm ripped through Fort Worth this morning - I was afraid the power would go out - but by gum here's the show where every song mentions (at least once) all the days of the week.  In retrospect, it wasn't that difficult to put together, but I did collect songs for over a year.  I wish I could do that with all my themes!

As well, it's the next-to-the-last episode before the show goes on hiatus while the wife & I & our brood move to Portland.  I will need the time off but I'll miss doing the show!

Never mind that: please enjoy this ridiculous episode of Self Help Radio which is of course at Self Help Radio dot net.  Remember! The username is SHR, the password is selfhelp.  All that happens on the show is listed below.

Also, might I add sundaymondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfridaysaturday?  I needed to say it one last time.

Self Help Radio Days Of The Week Show

"A Man For Every Day In The Week" Sippie Wallace _Louis Armstrong & The Blues Singers_
"My Sunday Gal" Cab Calloway & His Orchestra _1932_
"I Love To Walk In The Rain" Shirley Temple _Remember Shirley_

introduction & definitions

"Call It Stormy Monday (But Tuesday Is Just As Bad)" T-Bone Walker _The Original Source_
"Ain't It A Shame To Go Fishin' On A Sunday" Lead Belly _Lead Belly's Last Sessions_
"Lucy Mae Blues" Frankie Lee Sims _Lucie Mae Blues_
"Blue Monday" Fats Domino _The Fats Domino Jukebox_
"Everyday Of The Week" The Students _The Doo-Wop Box_

Marge Most & Ned Dry interrupt!

"I Met Him On A Sunday (Ronde-Ronde)" The Shirelles _The Shirelles Forever_
"Never On Sunday" The Chordettes _Golden Classics_
"Seven Day Fool" Etta James _The Essential Etta James_
"Let's Go Steady Again" Neil Sedaka _Oh Carol: The Complete Recordings 1956-1966_
"Solomon Gundie" Eric Morris _Intensified_

interview with cultural historian Malcolm Puckfuppet

"Nothing" The Fugs _First Album_
"2 Day's Monday" Scaffold _Thank U Very Much: The Very Best Of Scaffold_
"Police On My Back" The Equals _Greatest Hits_
"Coney Island Steeplechase" The Velvet Underground _Another View_
"The Quiet Man" John Prine _The Singing Mailman Delivers: Live Performance, 1970_

discussion: the origin of the names of the days of the week

"Tuesday Morning" Denny Doherty _Watcha Gonna Do_
"A Wednesday Car" Johnny Cash _The Rambler_
"La Grande Illusion" Television Personalities _...And Don't the Kids Just Love It_
"7 Nights To Rock" Nick Lowe & His Cowboy Outfit _The Rose Of England_
"Sunday's Slave" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Tender Prey_

discussion: the origin of the length of the week

"Roots Rock Reggae" Pato Banton & The Reggae Revolution _Visions Of The World_
"Friday I'm In Love" The Cure _Wish_
"Without You" Bruce Springsteen _Blood Brothers_
"Days Of The Week" Dr. Jean Feldman _Dr. Jean & Friends_
"Black Betty" Tom Jones _Mr. Jones_

conclusion & goodbye

"Seven Days Of The Week (I Never Go To Work)" They Might Be Giants _Here Come The 123s_
"Thirsty Thursday" The Lancashire Hotpots _A Fistful Of Scratchcards_
"The Second Summer" Memphis _I Dreamed We Fell Apart_
"Saturday Night" Colton Turner _Colton Turner_

Whither The Days Of The Week?

(They had one for each day of the week, but my camera wasn't wide enough to get all seven.)

The idea for this show was a song by Bubblegum Lemonade from their record The Great Leap Backward.  There's a song called "Wishing It Were Friday" & I was thinking, that's a cool idea, right?  A show featuring songs that mention more than one day of the week?  That song mentions Monday through Friday.

But the more I started looking, the more I came to realize that just random days of the week - say, a song that only mentions Tuesday & Friday - would be pretty easy to find.  Maybe they had to mention five or more days - that would include "Lady Madonna" & "Seven Day Weekend" & "W.E.E.K.E.N.D." - all songs I thought about immediately when I decided on the theme.

Alas, my need to challenge myself led me to finally say, "No! All the days of the week!"  & that's what it's going to be.  Sorry it's late.  It might be worth the wait?  Probably not.

Tomorrow at noon at the Self Help Radio website.  A show on Saturday that features every day of the week.  Because it could've happened any day, you know.

Preface To The Days Of The Week: Other Media

Oh sure this week's show (which will be a day late, sorry) will feature songs in which every day of the week is mentioned, but what if Self Help Radio were a multimedia experience?  What if, for example, we had a Kid's Korner, where I read nursery rhymes, like this famous one:

Solomon Grundy

Born on a Monday

Christened on Tuesday

Married on Wednesday

Took ill on Thursday

Grew worse on Friday

Died on Saturday

Buried on Sunday

That was the end

Of Solomon Grundy

That's be cheery, right?  Kids love death.

Or what if there were a Self Help Radio Literary Salon?  I might share some James motherfucking Joyce:

"Sunday was dedicated to the mystery of the Holy Trinity, Monday to the Holy Ghost, Tuesday to the Guardian Angels, Wednesday to saint Joseph, Thursday to the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Altar, Friday to the Suffering Jesus, Saturday to the Blessed Virgin Mary

Every morning he hallowed himself anew in the presence of some holy image or mystery. "

That's from Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man.

But what about television or movies?  Okay, I didn't really look into movies, but I did remember just today that SCTV had its own soap opera, called "The Days Of The Week," which aired during their entire run in small installments but here some crazy obsessive pop culture hero has assembled them into one, movie-length run.  It's amazing:



Alas, I just got audio.  But you will be a bit overwhelmed how many songs there are that mention every day of the week.  Seriously, I could do a much longer than normal show.

But I won't!  I wasn't threatening you!  I won't do it!

Delay!

Welp, things this week took a turn so I won't have Friday's episode of Self Help Radio on Friday.  I'll have it Saturday at noon.  I'll announce it on the Facebook page tomorrow.  I thought I could get my shit together to get it done in time but nope!  Dag nab it!

This is why I need the weeks off to get moving done!  It might make it easier to get the show up & running in Portland, however.  We'll see.

Sorry sorry.

Last Day At KNON

David Pippin - the fellow whose show I took last year, when he left KNON for a job - that was the Wednesday Morning Blend - two weeks after I took over that show, another Blend person left, & I took her show - that was the Tuesday Morning Blend - David Pippin - who is now taking over the Tuesday Morning Blend, & a better person could not be chosen to helm that slot - what I was saying was - David Pippin came by the Blend this morning for me to pass the reins to him, & to let people know he was coming, & to say goodbye to me - & he bought me breakfast!

David asked me after the show if I were sad, & I had to say, no.  No, what I am sad about is that I never got a chance to do Self Help Radio in Dallas.  I have no idea if the show is any good - I don't get a lot of feedback, to be honest - but I enjoy doing it & I love asking my friends to come on & be ridiculous.  If I could make the show mainly interviews I probably would.  But there were no real opportunities to do Self Help Radio here.  So, when a freeform radio show became available, I auditioned for & got it.

But it was never really mine.  There was a particular thing we had to do - showcase music heard elsewhere on the station - which often got in the way of me playing the things I really wanted to play.  Not that I played things I didn't like - I have never done that.  Though I was "trained" at KVRX to mix genres, etc., I have a different sense of flow these days.  I don't like to think, "Hey, have I represented this or that genre yet this hour?"

To be fair, I did occasionally try to put a themed set together now & then, & once - just once - I did a bit with Allen.  But the show didn't lend itself to the same sort of shenanigans that I get up to with Self Help Radio.  It never felt right, I never felt I had enough time - the station promotes the hell out of its benefits, which is its right, but it often took eight to ten minutes away from the show per hour - & I never felt like it was something the station management would look kindly upon.

Boy, I would've loved doing Self Help Radio, though.  I would've pulled out all the stops.  I could've done it on KNON, on KTCU, on KFTW, on KUZU.  But there was no space on KNON, the station managers on KTCU did not want me at the station, the format of KFTW - all local music, except for a Grateful Dead show - did not lend itself to SHR, & no one at KUZU ever wrote me back.  For a place so big, it's crazy how few opportunities there are for community radio in D/FW.

But it makes sense.  Whole communities are being torn up to make space for apartments & condos for all the people moving here.  You can drive through entire shopping centers from Arlington to Frisco in which not a single place of business is local, they're all chains, & the fm radio dial is filled with stations from which most if not all content comes from corporate offices elsewhere.  KNON was an oasis, & they actually let me volunteer.  That was amazing.

Still, I was never more than a person doing a show.  It wasn't my show.  So I am not sad.  I kinda like the idea of staying at a place for a couple or three years & relocating.  But it's expensive & exhausting & anyway - I have this feeling - based on our visits - that we're going to like this Portland place.

Another Goodbye

Tomorrow I am doing my final show on the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON.  It is a sad thing, & I am being lazy about it, basically repeating my "goodbye" show from WRFL.  Except, you know, it's not Self Help Radio.  I wish I could've done Self Help Radio on KNON, or any station in Dallas.  But I didn't get the chance.  My pledge drive shows were a piece of that - & they didn't raise any money, so maybe it's a good thing that I didn't do Self Help Radio in Dallas.

The funny thing is, I didn't really want to do the Blend, but I am glad I did it.  It reminded me of old freeform shows like I did on KVRX & the fills I took on WRFL.  I would've loved to do late-night freeform fills on KNON.  I would've totally dug driving the Dallas/Fort Worth highways without the traffic.  The traffic is the thing I will not miss.

So.  One more early Tuesday morning, a long drive at 6am with roads already choked with cars.  I see a lot of people talking on their phones in the mornings.  Who the fuck are they talking to?  Ooops, this started to descend into a bit.  Sorry.

See ya in the morning if you're listening!

Self Help Radio 032919: Stairs

(Original image here.)

Holy crap look at those stairs!  You could help fall down those stairs!  I can't stop looking at those stairs!  I am terrified & yet utterly compelled to find those stairs & walk on them until I fall or they collapse & either way I'm dead!  Because of those stairs!

By the way, don't look for "people falling down the stairs" videos on any video website.  It's not funny at all.  It's horrifying & I wish they'd show the person getting carried away by the paramedics & then the doctors telling him/her that they'll never walk again.  Because I understand that it's amusing when people tumble & stuff but falling down the stairs is a whole other degree of awful.

Oh yeah, I did a radio show!  About stairs!  No one fell.  As far as I know.  I can't get the images of poor souls plummeting down stairs out of my head now.  Ack!  I wish I'd never done a stupid show about stairs & thought it might be funny to watch people fall down stairs!

Okay, okay, radio show.  Yes.  Yes.  It's at the Self Help Radio website.  Username SHR, password selfhelp.  Almost two hours long, what's on the show is below.

Jesus, be careful on stairs!

Self Help Radio Stairs Show

"Precarious Stair" Crystal Stilts _In Love With Oblivion_
"Staircase Of Diamonds" King Tuff _Black Moon Spell_
"The Gentleman On The Stairs" Dagmar Krause _Commuters_

introduction & definitions

"Stairway To The Stars" Ella Fitzgerald _Something To Live For_
"I'll Build A Stairway To Paradise" Sarah Vaughan _Sarah Vaughan Sings George Gershwin, Vol. 1_
"Creepin' Up The Backstairs" The Fratellis _Costello Music_
"Backstairs" New Pornographers _Brill Bruisers_
"Walk The Back Stairs Quiet" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_

the world's most notable stairs an interruption by Ned Dry

"The Staircase (Mystery)" Siouxsie & The Banshees _The Scream_
"Staircase At The University" Morrissey _World Peace Is None Of Your Business_
"Dachshunds With Erections Can't Climb Stairs" Les Barker _Up The Creek Without A Poodle_
"The Room At The Top Of The Stairs" Television Personalities _Privilege_
"The Girl Became The Stairs" The Heart Throbs _Jubilee Twist_

the world's most notable stairs a phone call from kids in Baltimore

"Spiral Stairs" Elf Power _In A Cave_
"Climb My Stairs" The Cat's Miaow _A Kiss & A Cuddle_
"Falling Down The Stairs" Even As We Speak _Feral Pop Frenzy_
"Fell Down The Stairs" Tilly & The Wall _Wild Like Children_
"Naked Girl Falling Down The Stairs" The Cramps _Flamejob_

a discussion about the song "Stairway To Heaven" by Neil Sedaka Led Zeppelin

"Stairway To Heaven" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Ruin Jonny's Bar Mitzvah_
"Stairway To Heaven" Rolf Harris _The Best Of Rolf Harris_
"Freeway To Stairbird" Reverend Billy C. Wirtz _Pianist Envy_
"Gilligan's Island (Stairway)" Little Roger & The Goosebumps _Gilligan's Island (Stairway)_
"Stairway To Heaven" Neil Sedaka _The Definite Collection_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Halfway Down the Stairs" Robin The Frog _The Muppet Show Album_
"Halfway Down The Stairs" Lawson & Four More _Thank You Friends: The Ardent Records Story_
"Halfway Up The Stairs" Rodriguez _Coming From Reality_
"At The Top Of The Stairs" Thundertree _Thundertree_
"At The Top Of The Ivory Stairs" The Pharmacy _Stoned & Alone_

Whither Stairs?

(Image from here.)

Hmm, stairs.  I guess I've been around stairs since the very beginning.  I didn't live in a house with more than one floor (therefore a set of stairs) until high school - which was also the time I first attended a school with many sets of stairs - but I did live in apartments with two floors (& stairs) from middle school on, & many apartment complexes I lived in had stairs to get to the apartments on the second floor.

My iPhone has an app that counts my steps, & whenever I look at it, it's strange when it notes that I've gone up a flight of stairs.  How did it know?  I bet I make funny noises when I go up stairs.  Like dreams dying.

In the last year I lived in Austin, I was a "secret smoker."  I had "quit smoking" in 2005 or 2006, but had found myself smoking a cigarette or two a day sometime in late 2008.  I used to keep a pack in my bag & I'd take a break once or twice a day, take some reading material, pull one cigarette out, & walk to a place called the UTC on campus, or the Undergraduate Teaching Center.  I'd go to the top floor - I'd take the stairs - it was maybe the fourth floor - where no one ever was - & I'd have my illicit cigarette & read at the top of the stairs there.  I tried to do it between classes, but there didn't seem to be many classes that high up in the building.  It was always so quiet.

Afterwards, I'd go to the restroom & wash my face & chew gum.  I was a "secret smoker"!  I don't smoke any more.  But I miss climbing those stairs to get a few minutes to read & relax.  That's my happiest memory of stairs.

Maybe there'll be happy memories of stairs after you listen to this week's show tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio's website.  Anyway, it can't be worse than falling down the stairs.  Can it?

Preface To Stairs: Didn't You Already Do A Show About Stairs?

Hypothetical listener: Say, I pay pretty close attention to your show because I am a hypothetical listener so anything's possible & I feel like you've done a show about stairs before.

Unhypothetical me: I can't believe anyone listens to the show!

Hypothetical listener: Yeah, yeah, but haven't you done a show about stairs before?

Unhypothetical me: Oh sorry, my eyes kind of filled with stars with the idea of someone actually listening to Self Help Radio.

Hypothetical listener: Right.

Unhypothetical me: It's just Charlie Brown winning a baseball game or something.

Hypothetical listener: I can just go check the list of your shows on the website if you're busy being weird.

Unhypothetical me: No, no, no.  I'll answer the question!

Hypothetical listener: Thanks.

Unhypothetical me: The answer is, no, I've never done a show about stairs before.

Hypothetical listener: But...

Unhypothetical me: But because you're a dutiful listener, you may recall that on April 11, 2009 - nearly ten years ago! - I did a show with the theme "upstairs downstairs".

Hypothetical listener: Oh yes, I remember!

Unhypothetical me: That was about places where stairs lead.  Not stairs themselves.

Hypothetical listener: Got it.

Unhypothetical me: I mean, the word "stairs" in the name, but I was meaning mainly like floors.

Hypothetical listener: Sure, I understand.

Unhypothetical me: I suppose some folks might have thought I was referring to the British drama from the 1970s but I wasn't.

Hypothetical listener: Great.

Unhypothetical me: I mean, I've never even seen it, except the end credits when it was on PBS right before Monty Python in my youth.

Hypothetical listener: Swell.  Oh gosh would you look at the time.

Unhypothetical me: Hmm?  What?  Oh, sorry.  I didn't mean to bore you.

Hypothetical listener: Now you know why I'm hypothetical!

Unhypothetical me: (very sad now) Yeah.

"Halfway Down"

Listening to songs today for this week's show, I found the Muppet Show song based on A.A. Milne's poem "Halfway Down."  You can read about it here, & I posted a crappy video of the song sung by Kermit's nephew on the Self Help Radio Facebook page but I was curious about the poem it was based on, which I found here.  But I repeat the sweet poem below.  & maybe I'll play the song on my show!

Halfway Down
by A. A. Milne

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn't any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up
And it isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery,
It isn't in town.
& all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn't really
Anywhere!
It's somewhere else
Instead!

Tumblr Blog I Like # 6

This one, called Deep Dark Fears.

For example:

You can submit your fears to be illustrated.  I'd do that, only I'm a little afraid of doing it.  Wait.

Self Help Radio 032219: Thumbs

(Original image here.)

Ah, thumbs!  Where would our hands be without you?  & yet, I don't think anyone's ever devoted a radio show to you!  What a sadness!  Well!  That ends today!  For on this day, Self Help Radio spends its time celebrating all manner of thumbs: green thumbs, golden thumbs, sore thumbs, sucked & unsucked thumbs!  In this space there is no judgment of thumbs; let them go up or down without jeers or cheers!  If one wishes to twiddle their thumbs or even sit on their thumbs & rotate, this is the time & place to do it.  Four cheers for thumbs!  Not as forceful as the pointer, nor as cute as the pinky, not your first choice for rings & totally incorrect for offensive gestures, it's the friendly thumb that gets you rides from strangers!  Thank you, thumb.  Have a ridiculous radio show for all your troubles!

The show is of course at Self Help Radio dot net, where it belongs.  As a rule of thumb, you will need a username (SHR) & a password.  All the contents of the show are listed below.

Happy day of thumbs!  Being "all thumbs" today is not pejorative!

Self Help Radio Thumbs Show

"Thumb" The Creatures _Wild Things_
"Thumb" The Chesterfields _Kettle_
"Thumb" Dinosaur Jr. _Green Mind_

introduction & interruption

"You've Got Me Under Your Thumb" Fats Waller & His Rhythm _One Never Knows, Do One: The Best Of Fats Waller_
"Under Your Thumb" Godley & Creme _The Very Best Of 10cc_
"Under My Thumb" Hounds _Puttin' On The Dog_
"Under The Thumb" The Len Price 3 _Pictures_
"Under Your Thumb" The Vaccines _What Did You Expect From The Vaccines_

interview with biologist Dr. Madeleine Unicorn

"Thumbs Down" The Chiffons _Sweet Talkin' Girls: The Best Of The Chiffons_
"Thumbsucker" Shel Silverstein _Freakin' At The Freakers Ball_
"Twiddle Your Thumbs Mum" Shrubbies _Memphis In Texas_
"Dancing On God's Thumb" Robyn Hitchcock _Black Snake Diamond Röle_
"The Man With The Golden Thumb" Jerry Reed _The Man With The Golden Thumb_

interview with filmmaker Paul Ees Douman (part one)

"Hitchin' A Ride" Vanity Faire _Super Hits Of The '70s: Have A Nice Day, Vol. 2_
"Thumbin' A Ride" The Coasters _There's A Riot Going On_
"Thumb Thumb" Frankie Lymon _The Complete Recordings_
"Thumbin' Johnny Brown" Burl Ives _It's Just My Funny Way Of Laughin'_
"Ridin' Thumb" King Curtis _Funk Drops: Breaks, Nuggets, & Rarities_

interview with filmmaker Paul Ees Douman (part two)

"Tom Thumb's Tune" Patience & Prudence _The Best Of Patience & Prudence_
"Tom Thumb's Drum" The Pasadena Roof Orchestra _Breakaway_
"The Story Of Tom Thumb" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues" Nina Simone _The Very Best Of Nina Simone_
"Thumbelina" Jimmy Boyd _I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Neville Thumbcatch" The Attack _Magic In The Air_
"Thumbtack" Bob Mould _Bob Mould_
"Thumbtacks + Glue" Woodpigeon _Thumbtacks + Glue_
"Thumbtack" The Rad Trads _On Tap_
"Thumb A Ride" Melbourne Cans _Moonlight Malaise_

Whither Thumbs?

(Here's a bunch of thumbs from this place.)

Thumbs are fascinating.  Too big to stick in the ear, but perfect for the mouth.  Wait, am I writing weirdo erotica all of a sudden?  That's no good.  It won't surprise you that there are people with thumb fetishes but I don't think I will talk about this on the show.  But if you want to be more educated than anyone without the fetish needs, you can visit the Thumb Sucking Adults web site.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, I think thumbs are cool.  I have been toying with the idea of a show about fingers for some time, but thought I'd narrow it down to the handiest of fingers which is of course the middle finger.  But there aren't many songs about flipping people off but plenty of songs about thumbs.

It's happening tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  Two thumbs down?  Really?  Already?

Tough crowd.

Best Coercive Spam Ever!

Oh wow I just got the best threatening spam ever!  It came from someone calling themselves this:

"Janiece August"

(It's nice to know that the CIA has offices in Gabon.)

It's entitled:

Central Intelligence Agency - Case #14857293

Here's a big jpg of the message, but I'll print it out below:

Here's what it says:

"Case #14857293
Distribution and storage of pornographic electronic materials involving underage children.

My name is Janiece August and I am a technical collection officer working for Central Intelligence Agency.
 
It has come to my attention that your personal details including your email address (gary@selfhelpradio.net) are listed in case #14857293.
 
The following details are listed in the document's attachment:
 
Your personal details,
Home address,
Work address,
List of relatives and their contact information.

Case #14857293 is part of a large international operation set to arrest more than 2000 individuals suspected of paedophilia in 27 countries.
 
The data which could be used to acquire your personal information:
 
Your ISP web browsing history,
DNS queries history and connection logs,
Deep web .onion browsing and/or connection sharing,
Online chat-room logs,
Social media activity log.
 
The first arrests are scheduled for April 8, 2019.
 
Why am I contacting you ?
 
I read the documentation and I know you are a wealthy person who may be concerned about reputation.
 
I am one of several people who have access to those documents and I have enough security clearance to amend and remove your details from this case. Here is my proposition.
 
Transfer exactly $10,000 USD (ten thousand dollars - about 2.5 BTC) through Bitcoin network to this special bitcoin address:
 
39bwp3VtpMNLPQHwk89FgkNbWo7eEGnR7b
 
You can transfer funds with online bitcoin exchanges such as Coinbase, Bitstamp or Coinmama. The deadline is March 27, 2019 (I need few days to access and edit the files).
 
Upon confirming your transfer I will take care of all the files linked to you and you can rest assured no one will bother you.
 
Please do not contact me. I will contact you and confirm only when I see the valid transfer.
 
Regards,
Janiece August
 
Technical Collection Officer
Directorate of Science and Technology
Central Intelligence Agency"

When I read the email to my wife, she laughed out loud at the line, "I read the documentation and I know you are a wealthy person who may be concerned about reputation."

They should've listened to Self Help Radio, & they'd have known at the very least that I am not at all concerned about reputation!

It's so beautiful.  The only thing that would make this better is if it were a song.

This Is A True Story With A Silly Punchline

Shared on Facebook today:

I went to an Indian store a few weeks back meaning to buy some yellow lentils & instead bought chana dal (which is chickpeas) & finally decided to make them last week & the recipe I found was super spicy & delicious but the thing is, the entire time I'm making them I'm singing a song to the tune of that Iggy Pop ditty:
"I could escape this feeling with my chana dal
Wake up in the morning where's my little chana dal"

My wife talks a lot more about divorce these days it seems.

The Future Of Self Help Radio

(Original picture here.)

Ooo, that's a dramatic title, isn't it?  The future of Self Help Radio!  How can a show that barely exists in the present have any kind of future?

This is really more about my future anyway.  If you listened to last week's show, this isn't a surprise to you, but you probably didn't so I thought I'd mention it on the blog.  Here's the news:

My lovely wife got a job at Oregon Health & Science University in Portland & we're moving there in May.  This is a big change, & it'll be intense - we'll be taking six animals & all our stuff two thousand miles away from here.  But it impacts this radio show I do in a couple of obvious ways.

One, I'm not going to be able to do the show for about a month, since, you know, moving & putting stuff in boxes, etc.  So the last Self Help Radio for a while will be April 12.  I don't know when I'll be able to start it up again but I'm thinking May 24th.  That's what it'll say on the web page, at any rate.

A subsidiary of this is, of course, I won't be doing the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON anymore.  That would be one hell of a commute.  I believe my last show will be April 2.

The second thing is, maybe Self Help Radio will find a home in the airwaves of Portland?  I am excited about this.  The show was not welcomed on the few spots it could have aired in D/FW, but I am hopeful there'll be opportunities for it in Stumptown.

That's the future!  So far away & so soon!

Self Help Radio 031519: It Depends

(Original image here.)

You know, I forgot the most famous "depends"-related poem in the English language.  Well, I forgot it while I was doing the show, but I remember it now:

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens

When we read that poem in my eleventh grade English class, half of my peers reacted with confusion & disgust.  How is that a poem?  One guy even counted - that's like sixteen words!  He would later be traumatized by haiku.

Now that that's out of the way, & despite the shit we're hearing from New Zealand, here's this week's show, about depending & dependence & stuff like that.  I had hoped to cover more about independence but time ran out.  It's ridiculous how little time two hours is!

The show is now at Self Help Radio dot net.  You'll need a password (selfhelp) & username (SHR) but those are pretty self-evident.  I just told them to you!  The songs I played & the stuff happening on the show are listed below.

Will you dig it?  It depends!

Self Help Radio It Depends Show

"You Can Depend On Me" Louis Armstrong & His Orchestra _1931-1932_
"I'm Depending On You" Otis Redding _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Dependence" P1/E _Second Offender (1980-1981)_

introduction & definition

"It All Depends On You" Frank Sinatra _The Columbia Years (1943-1952)_
"Depending On You" King Arthur Epps _Soul On Fire (The Detroit Soul Story 1957-1977)_
"Oh Baby, You Can Depend On Me" Luther Ingram _I've Been Here All The Time_
"Chemical Dependency" Bodhitrees _Katie_
"Dependence Leads Your Fortune" Roxy Epoxy & The Rebound _Bandaids On Bullet Holes_

Ned Dry interrupts to talk about his dependents

"Life Depends On Love" Bert Jansch _Nicola_
"My Dreams Depend On You" New Colony Six _Colonization_
"A Love You Can Depend On" Brenda & The Tabulations _A Van McCoy Songbook_
"Depend On Yourself" Joe & Eddie _Walkin' Down The Line_
"Depend On Yourself" B.T. Express _Give Up The Funk: The BT Express Anthology (1974-1982)_

interview with Depends sponsor/advertiser Berry Addington

"(You Can) Depend On Me" The Miracles _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 1: 1959-1961_
"Don't Depend On Me" The Fantastic Johnny C _The Phil-La Of Soul Singles Collection 1967-1973_
"I Was Depending On You To Be My Jesus" 1000 Violins _Like One Thousand Violins_
"I Don't Depend On You" The Human League A.K.A. The Men _Travelogue_
"Can't Depend" Sebadoh _Defend Yourself_

Marge Most reports

"Why Did I Always Depend On You?" Billie Holiday _Lady Day: The Complete Billie Holiday On Columbia (1933-1944)_
"Depend On Me" Joann Garrett _Just A Taste_
"A Girl You Can Depend On" Palace Guard _I'm Losing Tonight! Vol. 7: 30 Moody, Garage-Folkpunk Gems From The Midsixties_
"No One To Depend On" Coke Escovedo _Coke_
"Everything Depends On You" Dub Dickerson _Boppin' In The Dark_

announcement, conclusion, & goodbye

"Declaration Of Independence" Stan Freberg _The United States Of America_
"Declaration Of Independence" Count Five _Psychotic Revelation: The Ultimate Count Five_
"Declaration Of Independence" We The People _Too Much Noise_
"Declaration Of Independence" The Insect Trust _The Insect Trust_
"Independence Blues" The Crowd _Independence Blues_

Whither It Depends?

(Image from here.)

Oh hey.  Hey!  Over here.  Yeah, it's me.  Self Help Radio is new this week, after a week off.  I bet you kinda hoped it was gone for good, but no such luck!  Not only are we back, we're back with a really dumb theme: it depends.

What the hell does that mean?  Well, it means songs that talk about depending on people or things, & also songs about not depending on anyone, which, you know, is independence.  See?  Told ya!  A dumb theme.

The reason I'm doing this show is sort of stupid, too, & coincidental.  I was in a neighborhood supermarket some time around the beginning of the year & a customer was trying to get an opinion out of an employee, who didn't seem to feel confident enough about the subject matter, which was yogurt.  I myself was standing somewhat near to them, as in this supermarket, the place where the tofu & the tempeh is is next to the yogurt & the butter.  I was buying tofu.  I pretended to browse so I could eavesdrop.

The customer was my age or a little older & he seemed to need to know something about the yogurt in relation to what I believe was a recent development of lactose intolerance.  This he did not come out & say, so perhaps that explained the employee's hesitation to express a solid opinion one way or another, but this manifested in many rounds of a conversation like this:

Customer (holding up a small container of yogurt): "Is this a brand you think is good?"
Employee: "It depends."
Customer: "On what?"
Employee: "On your own preference."

The customer would then pick another brand & ask a similar question, often after poring over the little container.  The employee would wait patiently, & then be noncommittal all over again.

At some point the employee wandered away & (a person who I assumed was) the customer's spouse showed up & asked the customer, "Which one did he think was good?"  The customer said, "I think he liked this one best."

I was amazed.  I was convinced he'd be enraged!  But nope.  I thought, "I need to answer more questions with 'it depends'!"  People mainly want you to validate their own decisions, it seems.

& then of course I thought it might be a good show.  So I came home & started collecting songs.

Will it be a good show?  Let's not press our luck.  Let's just listen tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  I hope you'll listen.  I'm depending on it.

Preface To It Depends: Fucking Facebook

Facebook was down most of the day.  I was able to post my dumb pictures like I do to the Tumblr page (I also post them to my personal Facebook page) but after that, it wouldn't let me post nothing.

Yeah, I saw the double negative.  I did it on purpose!

This was bad for one reason that may not seem obvious, but a thing I do during the week (Sunday through Wednesday) is that I post a Youtube vid of a song on the show's Facebook page that I may or may not play on the show this week.  I don't know if anyone listens or cares but I like to be consistent.  & I couldn't post one today because, right now, I can't post anything to Facebook.  Not just nothing, I can't post anything.

Fucking Facebook!

Hard Times A-Comin'

"Hard Times A-Comin'."  Where did that come from?

Discogs tells me it's the b-side of a single by Earl Richards as demonstrated with photographic proof on the linked page.  (It for some reason won't let me upload the picture & it's just as well I suppose.)

But I haven't heard that single nor that b-side.  Speaking of, the Wikipedia entry about a- & b-sides doesn't let us know just why we refer to them as "a-sides" & "b-sides" although I suppose it makes sense.  Nowadays of course there are digital singles & they don't have sides.  They exist in the dimension of sound.

But back to the title of this post: why would I call it "Hard Times A-Comin'"?  Am I implying something?  Are you inferring something?  Are you one of those people who have a problem distinguishing between the words "imply" & "infer"?  In general, I never did but I did have someone once ask me, "What are you inferring?"  To which I replied, "I don't know, what are you implying?"  He didn't get the joke.

Frankly I'm lucky I didn't get beat up.

But I want to stress that I'm not talking about the country or the world or the economy or the climate or my old age or anything like that, although almost certainly hard times a-comin' for all those things.

Hey, maybe it's a message from my brain!  Do brains do that, send signals that hint at meaning?  Why would brains do that?  Wouldn't they want to be direct?  Brains don't have to be like religious texts or other mythic riddles, they can simply tell you what they want, right?  Or else - is that how we're wired?  To forever deal with ambiguous nonsense because we desperately need to trust our own interpretations?

Wow, that's depressing.  Is it true?  I don't know.  But if so, wow, how (let me reiterate) depressing!

Dogsitting

We're watching our neighbor's dog Brinkley for a week.  She went back home, which in her case is New York.  He's a sweet one, not terrible emotionally expressive, but needy.  When the wife left today, he waited by the door for her, not noticing that I was in my room.

But that's not what I was thinking when I thought of "dogsitting."  Like a child, in love with an old joke, I thought about actually sitting on a dog while watching it for its owners.  & because my brain is slightly diseased, it went back to something that disturbed me when I discovered its existence & that my brain wouldn't let me forget about, which is this: facesitting.

Now, I have of course heard the Monty Python ditty & I suppose I thought that song had something to do with the common Happy Days insult but the truth is I hadn't thought about it really at all.  Sit on it?  What?  Why?  Why a face?  That doesn't make any sense!

The Urban Dictionary has a very handy definition of facesitting though, some of which I will share here:

Face sitting is when one person sits on another person's face. Any gender can be the face sitter, & any gender can be the face sit recipient, or face "sittee." The face sitter can wear pants, dress, undergarments, be butt naked, etc.

Continue reading if you want more information, & be aware it's naughty, because facesitting is or ca be a sexual thing.  I did learn something new from this entry, though, which is: Face sitting is used in five main areas: Foreplay, domination, fantasy role play, mischief, or accident.

You may be asking yourself, how did Gary find out about facesitting?  Was it mischief or accident?  It was more than twenty years ago now, I was working part-time at an Austin video store mainly to get free movies, & the place had a porn room.  One small section of the porn room - I guess it was still too prohibitively difficult to watch videos online at that point - was dedicated to fetishes like facesitting.

Anyway, at some point it came to the attention of the owners or the manager that no one ever rented the facesitting videos.  So we wrapped them in plastic & put them up for sale.  & no one bought them.

One late night, a friend came by to take me out after I closed the place up.  He brought another friend, someone I only knew as an acquaintance, & that acquaintance found his way to the porn room.  I was counting money when I heard him exclaim, "Facesitting!  Holy shit!"

He was so excited by the videos - which, I seem to remember, did feature large women sitting on the faces of smaller men - that I told him he could have them.  I was frankly sick of them.  He carried out like the seven or eight facesitting videos like a happy schoolchild carrying the books of his beloved.

What the manager or the owners thought when they found the shelf empty of facesitting videos I don't know.  They didn't say anything to me, & I didn't rearranged the shelf to make it look like videos weren't missing.  Most probably, they forgot they were there at all.

Why does dogsitting make me think of facesitting?  I'm still a little jet-lagged, maybe, or my brain is just not right.  Probably the latter.

Self Help Radio 030819: You Gaze Out Into Space

It's very proper that the very male-centric Self Help Radio not have a show on International Women's Day, especially when I hadn't prepared for such a thing should I have done a show today.  Instead, as you know, I am in Portland enjoying myself.  In honor of the day, I'm going to see Captain Marvel at a beautiful old local place called the Bagdad Theater.

As for the fake theme up here: I play a dumb online game that I can't say I enjoy but I've been doing it for years & can't really stop & there's something that happens when you're playing & there's a time-based adventure & it's over but you'd have to log out for the links to disappear.  If you click the links, it'll say "You gaze out into space" with a black screen in front of you.  Today felt like that, had one gone to the website.

By the way, "gazing out into space" might be a terrible theme for a show. But in a sense, it's today's theme.

Nobody of course is missing Self Help Radio today but if you are might I recommend visiting the archive page & listening to an old episode?  That sounds like torture to me but maybe you'd enjoy it.

Meanwhile: a new show next week!  Hooray!

Enjoying Portland

Sorry if there's not been much action on the blog this week.  Portland has been delightful.  When we drove in, it snowed.  Today, just walking, it hailed, but in the afternoon the sun came out.  We're doing too much & eating too much & I'm not bothered that it's cold - the sun came out, after all.

This place is not at all like Fort Worth.  People walk, people bike, people seem to be out past eight pm.  We're going to a theater tomorrow.  I miss my animals but I'm glad to have uninterrupted sleep.

& yeah, I got to see the Monochrome Set last night.  I was dead tired from a day of traveling but it was super fun.

Here's the song "Portland" by Andrea Van Kampen I played on the Blend Tuesday.  She'd be happy to know it's been stuck in my head most of the day.

Portland

It's snowing. I never thought I'd drive through snow again. This is a lovely little town.

All right.  No time to dally.  Going to get pizza now at Virtuous Pie!

Being Coy? Moi?

It occurred to me that my last post, which mentioned there won't be a new Self Help Radio this week, didn't say what might be the reason for that.  Am I just taking a week off to be lazy?  Is there some sort of obligation?  Or might I be going somewhere?

Certainly I did not mean to be coy.  As I said on the radio this morning, I am visiting Portland.  The reason is sort of complicated.  It goes like this:

First, I haven't had a vacation for a while.  I honestly can't remember - maybe when we went to Pittsburgh this past summer was the last time I was separated from my animals.  But my wife is always traveling.  Granted, she did spend a lot of time with family in the past few months, & many people would refuse to call that vacation, but the point is, she was away from home.  I wanted to be away from home!

Second, thanks to Twitter, I noticed a few weeks ago that the legendary Monochrome Set were touring but, of course, not coming anywhere near here.  They were, however, going to be in the northwest in early March, specifically Portland, a town that I visited in November of 2017 & which I wanted to visit again.

It took a bit of cajoling (the wife is famously cheap) but she relented when she was able to get time off work, & we're leaving tomorrow for the Rose City & we'll get to see a band that I never imagined I'd ever see.  Plus, we'll eat like vegan kings - the town is the most vegan place I've ever been.

Naturally, my instincts failed me - it'll snow while we're there.  I've been told that Portland has some unbearably lovely days, but they don't happen in March.  It hasn't been too great in Dallas - it's been frightfully cold - but the sun visits more often than not.  I will probably not see much sunlight for the next four or five days.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention where I'm going.  Now I need to snuggle with my animals for a while.  I spend most of every day with them, & I feel separation anxiety when we're not together.  You'd think I'd feel relief, but nope.  Anxiety.

Know what?  I'll manage.  I need a week off!

A Week Off

Sort of.  I mean, I still have to do the Tuesday Morning Blend tomorrow, & I am always listening to stuff for Self Help Radio.  But yeah, I'm going out of town this week so there'll be limited action here & on the Facebook page.  Do you follow the show on its Facebook page?  You really should.

Not that anything exciting happens there, but then, nothing exciting happens here, & you're reading this.  Or are you?  I'm sorry, you were looking for what?  Some conspiracy page that claims that Luke Perry & the Prodigy guy were the same person?  What the hell?

Who would start a rumor like that?  & why?  To get people to their stupid blog?  It's disrespectful & it's dumb.  Don't blame me!  I though I had made it up & it wasn't even conceivable because it's so stupid!  Now I find out it's a thing!  Because everything is a thing! 

That's just great.  Damn, I need a week off.

Wait.