Self Help Radio 020824: Valentine's Day 2024 - Falling In Love

(original image here)

Almost a week early, here's this year's Self Help Radio Valentine's Day show - this year about falling in love. I seem to have a different idea of what "falling in love" means than many people - I always find I can love people easier than fall in love with them. I suspect I've only been in love maybe five or six times in my life. & usually those times are the same feelings I associate with falling in love in songs.

There is one possibly unromantic comment I make about falling in love in the show. I hope I can be forgiven for it. If you don't hear it, though, I am certainly not going to point you to it!

Listen to the show now or save it for Valentine's Day at the Self Help Radio web page. Use username SHR & password selfhelp to listen. Download the show! Put it on your phone or whatever! Everything that happens is mentioned below.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Self Help Radio Valentine's Day 2024 Show

"Absolutely Cuckoo" The Magnetic Fields _69 Love Songs_

"I'm Fallin' In Love" Ella Fitzgerald _Jukebox Ella: The Complete Verve Singles Volume 1_

"Guess I'm Falling In Love (live)" The Velvet Underground _Peel Slowly & See_

introduction & definitions

"Why Don't They Let Us Fall In Love" Veronica _Back To Mono (1958-1969)_

"Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love)" Marvin Gaye & Kim Weston _Marvin Gaye & Kim Weston_

"Why Do Fools Fall in Love" Joni Mitchell _Shadows & Light_

"Falling In Love With Myself Again" Sparks _Kimono My House_

"Falling In Love (With Myself)" Ivy Green _Ivy Green_

interview with Kim Rayburn, who falls in love with everybody

"All I Wanna Do Is Fall In Love" Robyn Hitchcock _Black Snake Diamond Röle_

"Don't Fall In Love (Every Single Time)" The Delmonas _Delmonas 5!_

"Falling In Love Again" Klaus Nomi _Simple Man_

"Can't Help Falling In Love" Lick The Tins _Some Kind Of Wonderful_

"Somewhere Someone's Falling In Love" John Prine _Aimless Love_

our resident cinephile Chuck stops by!

"Falling In Love" Monomyth _Happy Pop Family_

"I Fall In Love (All Over Again)" The Forum _The River Is Wide_

"I Feel Like Falling In Love Again" The Fantastic Four _The Complete Motown Singles | Vol. 9: 1969_

"Falling" Julee Cruise _Floating Into The Night_

interview with Karl Rogers, who's only been in love once

"Falling In Love" The Jazz Butcher Conspiracy _Distressed Gentlefolk_

"I Wanna Fall In Love" BMX Bandits _Theme Park_

"The Falling In Love Part Is The Best Part Anyways" The Casino Ashtrays _Just Like Me EP_

"We Were Programmed To Fall In Love" Confusions _Grounds_

interview with Kris Rand, who has never been in love

"Fall In Love With Me" The House Of Love _Burn Down The World: The Fontana Years 1989-1993_

"Ever Fallen In Love" Nouvelle Vague _Bande À Part_

"Feels Like Falling In Love" The Arrogants _Nobody's Cool_

"Fallin' In Love" Lush _Black Spring EP_

conclusion & goodbye

"Let's Fall In Love" William Onyeabor _Who Is William Onyeabor?_

"I Just Want Someone To Fall In Love With" The Lovely Eggs _Wildlife_

Whither Falling In Love (Valentine's Day 2024)?

(image from here)

Every year there's a Valentine's Day show on Self Help Radio. Topics like jealousy or famous lovers or hearts or flirting or boyfriends or girlfriends have been discussed & explored in the past. This year it's falling in love.

You're like, hasn't the show been on for like two decades? & you're just getting to falling in love?!?

Yeah, but do you know how many songs about falling in love there are? It was a daunting proposition!

Hear how it turned out today (a week early but the closest show I have to Valentine's Day!) from noon to 2pm on 90.3+98.3fm in town & online at Freeform Portland dot org. Songs, interviews, things that may lead you to the conclusion that falling in love rocks.

Preface To Valentine's Day 2024 - Falling In Love: Falling In Love, The Comic

(image from here)

Wow, according to the DC Database, Falling In Love was a romance comic that ran from 1955 to 1973. It looks like issue one - which had four stories, "Dream Love," "Unhappy Birthday," "How Did I Lose You," & "Flight To Heartbreak" - was published by the Arleigh Publishing Group, which was a division of National Periodical Publications aka DC Comics. Issue 10 had the logo "National Romance Group" in the upper left hand corner. Issue 50 - the May 1962 issue - finally had the DC logo, which it kept till the end.

How do I know this? Do I secretly collect romance comics? I don't. I don't think I have read a single one all the way through. But you can at the Read Comics Online website! (That link goes directly to all 143 issues of Falling In Love.)

But sometimes I wish I did know more about these kinds of comics. At one point they were quite profitable - there were dozens on the newsstand every month. Since they didn't print credits I don't know who wrote or drew them - although of course smarter, sharper people than myself can & have guessed. They seem to have gone out of style in the early 1970s. & really never came back.

From a comic about falling in love to a radio show about falling in love - & almost a week from Valentine's Day!

A Couple Of Books About Telescopes

(images from Goodreads)

If you didn't listen to last week's episode of Self Help Radio, go here & do that now! It was a show about telescopes & almost halfway through we were visited by our favorite librarian Carole, who talked about two books about telescopes:

Always Looking Up: Nancy Grace Roman, Astronomer by Laura Gehl, Louise Pigott, & Alex Oxton

&

Looking Up: An Illustrated Guide To Telescopes by Jacob Kramer & Stephanie Scholz

Click to find out more - or listen to Carole talk about them on the show. (I think the second choice is the best choice.)

The 1968 Project, Part VII

(image from Rate Your Music)

Here's a weird thing I'm doing. I'm listening to a lot of records released in 1968. I am listening to them in the order they are rated on the website Rate Your Music. (The order keeps changing because new people keep rating the records.) Then I am playing the longest song on that record on the radio. & then saying whether I liked it or not. I'm not much of a critic & I'm not interested in trying to convince people to like what I like. If you like it, you like it. Anyway, I call it The 1968 Project & I'm doing the 7th (seventh) installment tonight on my KBOO show, Corporate Standardized Programming. It's on from midnight to 3am on 90.7fm in town & online at kboo dot fm.

You might be interested in previous installments. If so, you can find them here:
The 1968 Project, Part I | The 1968 Project, Part II | The 1968 Project, Part III

The 1968 Project, Part IV | The 1968 Project, Part V | The 1968 Project, Part VI

The newest version will be uploaded to both the KBOO page probably tomorrow & the Self Help Radio page on Friday. It's been fun to do - & surprisingly I've only really, really disliked a few of the records!

Now it's time to listen to more records so I can do this again soon.

Self Help Radio 020124: Telescopes

(original image here)

Look up in the sky! Can't you see? It's a radio show! It's very far away so use the telescope! It's in a sky full of radio shows! Still can't see it? Use a radio telescope!

Indeed, this week's Self Help Radio explored the romance of the telescope with lots of songs (including one called "The Romance Of The Telescope") & some exceedingly silly interviews. It's bound to be as appealing to one who isn't a science nerd as to one who is. Which means neither might find it appealing. But it's still a show about telescopes!

Listen now at the Self Help Radio website. Make sure you remember that the username is SHR & the password is selfhelp. Lots of songs were played & lots of people were interviewed & all that info is below.

Now. How far out do we have to go to avoid all this light pollution? I wanna see some planets!

Self Help Radio Telescope Show

"Through My Telescope (Demo)" Marty Wilde _Climb Aboard My Roundabout! (The British Toytown Pop Sound 1967-1974)_

"Telescope (Mr Galileo)" Chris White & Argent _Into The Afterlife_

"Telescopic Love" The Only Ones _Darkness & Light (The Complete BBC Recordings)_

introduction & definitions

"The Romance Of The Telescope" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _Dazzle Ships_

"The Telescope" The Residents _The Voice Of Midnight_

"Telescope (Demo)" The Wild Swans _Space Flower_

"The Telescope & The Bonfire" Gorky's Zygotic Mynci _Bwyd Time_

interview with telescope maker Bob Young

"Telescope" Nada Surf _Karmic_

"The Other End Of The Telescope" Sleeper _All This Useless Beauty_

"Telescope" Mirah _Storageland_

"Telescopic" Edith Frost _Telescopic_

librarian Carole talks about telescope books

"100,000 Telescopes" Elf Power _The Winter Is Coming_

"Telescope" The Mary Janes _Flame_

"Telescope Eyes" Eisley _Room Noises_

"The Telescope" Her Space Holiday _XOXO, Panda, & The New Kid Revival_

interview with author Bettina Yarborough

"I Think A Telescope" Guided By Voices _Please Be Honest_

"Telescope" Altamina _Tomorrow Morning Will Be Tonight_

"Telephones & Telescopes" The Handsome Family _Scattered: A Further Collection Of Lost Demos, Orphaned Songs, & Odd Covers_

"Telescope" Lisa Prank _Perfect Love Song_

interview with spyglass maker Brett Yetta

"Telescope" Vanishing Twin _Choose Your Own Adventure_

"I Am A Telescope" Wesley Gonzalez _Excellent Musician_

"Telescope" Emma Elisabeth _Some Kind Of Paradise_

"O Telescope, You" Fog _10th Avenue Freakout_

conclusion & goodbye

"Telescope" Boy & Bear _Suck On Light_

"Telescope" The Glass Set _Something Unknown_

Whither Telescopes?

(image from here)

Are you're asking me why there will be a radio show about telescopes today? Um, because telescopes are awesome! I should hope that would be enough.

But you persist: telescopes are awesome, yes, but why in the world would anyone write a song about a telescope? My reply: you can write a song about anything, why not a telescope? For example, it can be a potent metaphor. About seeing clearly. About distance. I mean, I'm not a songwriter. But I know the power of metaphor.

Still you question me: why are you, Gary, doing a show today about telescopes? Asked & answered, your honor. Because telescopes are awesome! & let's be blunt here - almost nothing about Self Help Radio is awesome. It's nice every once in a while to have an awesome theme.

Tune in & stare into the night sky this afternoon from noon to 2pm on 90.3+98.3fm in Portland & online at Freeform Portland dot org for telescopes songs & telescope interviews & telescope talk. Because telescopes are awesome!

Preface To Telescopes: A Cartoon By Tom Gauld

Tom Gauld is a very funny & inventive cartoonist & illustrator whose work mixes science & reading & all the fun things in life. He has a website. If you like the telescope humor above, you'll probably like lots of his stuff. Check it out!

Becoming Friends

This is a picture from one year ago. We had lost our cat Bolan earlier in the month. You can read about him here. Our cat Boone had been one sole cat for a couple of weeks, then we adopted Bluto. Though he initially greeted Bluto with hisses (as cats are wont to do), Boone quickly remembered how great it is to cuddle with someone & after less than two weeks I could snap this picture. They remain great friends & Boone often shows up with he thinks the dogs are bullying Bluto. My own big brothers would never have stood up for me in that way. Gosh they're adorable up there!

Kazoo

(image from here)

Yesterday (January 28) was National Kazoo Day. On the show that I do on XRAY, The Dickenbock Report, I played lots of songs about & featuring the kazoo. I had a good time.

The show will eventually end up on the Self Help Radio website but for now if you'd like to listen - & why not? kazoos are awesome! - you can do on The Dickenbock Report page on the XRAY website.

To say I highly recommend it would be overstating - but like I said, I had a good time. Maybe you will too!

Self Help Radio 012524: Suitcases

Hooray! This week's Self Help Radio fit into one suitcase! I'll admit I had to force it a bit. It was not easy. & frankly I don't look forward to opening it. But I got it all in there!

Lots of suitcase tunes & talks with suitcase-related people. A show as pleasant as trying to find a place for your suitcase when you're one of the last people on a flight. Wait. That's not pleasant. I know! A show as pleasant as waiting for your suitcase to appear on the baggage carousel at the airport. Nope. That's not pleasant at all. Maybe: a show as pleasant as checking your baggage at the gate. Does that work? You don't have to pay for it, you see. The airline did not plan for all those suitcases!

Oh well. Listen to the show anyway at the Self Help Radio website. Use the username SHR & the password selfhelp to access the file. Everything that happened on the show is listed below.

It costs how much to check a suitcase these days?!?!

Self Help Radio Suitcase Show

"Heavy Suitcase Blues" Charley Taylor _Broke, Black, & Blue_

"Suitcase Susie" Fats Waller _The Essential Collection_

"You Can Pack Your Suitcase" Fats Domino _The Imperial Singles 1950-1962_

introduction & definitions

"Who's Got The Suitcase" Merv Griifin & Arthur Treacher _'Alf & 'Alf Songs Of The British Music Hall_

"Suitcase Blues" Sippie Wallace _American Folk Blues Festival '66_

"The Magic Suitcase" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_

"Little Brown Suitcase" Tom T. Hall _Faster Horses_

"Me & This Old Suitcase" David Munyon _Code Name: Jumper_

interview with writer Powell Tate

"Carnival (Shelter In A Suitcase)" Simple Minds _Reel To Real Cacophony_

"Man In A Suitcase" The Police _Zenyatta Mondatta_

"A Skull, A Suitcase, & A Long Red Bottle Of Wine" Robyn Hitchcock _Black Snake Diamond Röle_

"The Boy Who Sold His Suitcase" The Chesterfields _Kettle_

interview with trendwatcher/interviewer Priscilla Timmons

"Man In A Suitcase" Adorable _Fake_

"Ray Gun Suitcase" Pere Ubu _Ray Gun Suitcase_

"Suitcase" Original Sinners _Original Sinners_

"I Gave My Suitcase Away" Andy Patridge _Fuzzy Warbles 8_

interview with suitcase inspector Prez Teague

"Suitcase In My Hand" Ry Cooder _My Name Is Buddy_

"Suitcase" Brent Amaker & The Rodeo _Year Of The Dragon_

"Man With A Suitcase" Steve Matanle _These Poems With Kerosene_

"Suitcase" Standard Fare _Out Of Sight, Out Of Town._

"Suitcase Jimmy" Evans The Death _Vanilla_

interview with suitcase innovator Paul Taggart

"Livin' Out A Suitcase" Robert Finley _Black Bayou_

"Blue Suitcase" Darren Hayman _I Can Travel Through Time_

"Suitcase & Gun" Tamar Berk _The Restless Dreams Of Youth_

"Blue Suitcase (Disco Wrist)" The Orielles _Silver Dollar Moment_

conclusion & goodbye

"Suitcase" Keb' Mo' _Suitcase_

"Suitcase Blues" Hersal Thomas _Roots N' Blues - The Retrospective (1925-1950)_

"Suitcase" Joe Purdy _Only Four Seasons_

Whither Suitcases?

Do you believe in magic? Because I don't. Not really. It has never however stopped me from attempting to cast spells. By spells I mean throwing out wild hope into the world. The main way that I know how is by doing it on the radio.

You see, I haven't traveled much since I moved to Oregon. Part of the reason for that, of course, was the pandemic. I have returned to Texas for a memorial & a funeral, but traveling to where one's family is is not really the kind of traveling I am wanting to do.

The wife & I had plans to visit Europe this year but they have been waylaid by our new puppy, who has separation anxiety that we need to deal with first. It may take a while.

A radio show about suitcases can be seen as an unbeliever's attempt to cast a spell into the decidedly unmagical world which would, if it worked, clear away all the barriers for travel from me. If one needs to believe that a spell will work for it to work, then it won't work. But there are so many things I don't really believe that I am fine pretending to believe. Sometimes it's fun. I'd love to think of my radio shows as a kind of book of incantations. Even if they're all utterly powerless.

It will be a long spell, two hours long, with lots of music & talk. I'll commence it at noon tomorrow on 90.3+98.3fm in Portland & online at Freeform Portland dot org. If you simply approach it as a radio show about suitcases with silly interviews & with lots of songs about suitcases, that's fine too.

Preface To Suitcases: Unwanted Luggage

A picture taken at D/FW Airport in 2018. The leftover suitcases huddling together for warmth. Are they lost luggage from a different flight? Did their owners not get on the plane after all? Are they dawdling in a bar somewhere - or have they been otherwise detained? Their sad suitcases don't know. They just wait patiently for them - & sometimes they wait forever.

I Just Adore A Courthouse View

A year ago today I was called to jury duty. Jury duty! It was a case of a family suing three corporations for the shit corporations do - a civil suit. I remember the plaintiff's lawyers telling the jury pool they should speak up because "people who don't talk get chosen for jury duty." & sure enough the folks who didn't say a word got chosen. Maybe they wanted to?

As for me, after sitting through one day & realizing that I could not nor did not want to sit & listen for two weeks I self-sabotaged, quoting my wife who told me the day before that they shouldn't chose me because "you hate corporations!" The defendant's lawyer repeated that line to me later. I still wasn't entirely sure I'd not be chosen. When they called the names of who had to stay, I froze as they passed my number.

My number! I was juror 79! I still remember that. How happy I was to not hear my number called.

My wife was called for jury duty just six months later & the morning of, they said they didn't need anyone. How fucking lucky is that?

Some Films From 1988

(image from the IMDb)

Last week on Self Help Radio I played some of my favorite music from 1988. During the show, our resident cinephile Chuck popped into recommend some movies he likes from that year. If you haven't listen, do so toot sweet! The show is at the Self Help Radio website. Chuck has kindly provided the following supplementary links for further information & edification.

Here is the Letterboxd list of movies. Here are Chuck's Letterboxd reviews.

Chuck made a couple of YouTube playlists of films & trailers. They are here:

Part 1 + Part 2
There is also a list of films available to stream for free elsewhere.

Here is Chuck's IMDb keyword list.

Follow Chuck on his social media sites: Twitter,  Bluesky, & Substack. You'll know in advance when he'll be back!

Self Help Radio 011824: 1988

(images all from Discogs)

Here it is, a selection of some of my favorite music from 1988. Actually it's a selection of some of my favorite music of all time. It was just in my opinion that good.

& yeah I left a lot out. That's why I return to the theme in six months. I might also need an extra show for hip hop from 1988. But maybe I'll do that elsewhere. I do have three radio shows!

Listen now or anything at selfhelpradio.net. Use the username SHR & the password selfhelp to access the file. I do a little reminiscing on the show but it's mainly music. What I play is below.

Happy birthday to me!

Self Help Radio 1988 Show

"In These Times" The Fall _The Frenz Experiment_

"Gigantic" Pixies _Surfer Rosa_

"I'm Your Man" Leonard Cohen _I'm Your Man_

"Hairdresser On Fire" Morrissey _Suedehead_

"Streets Of Your Town" The Go-Betweens _16 Lovers Lane_

"The Short Answer" Billy Bragg _Workers' Playtime_

"A Complete History Of Sexual Jealousy (Parts 17-24)" Momus _Tender Pervert_

"Crash" The Primitives _Lovely_

"Juno" Throwing Muses _House Tornado_

"Deus" Sugarcubes _Life's Too Good_

"You Don't Love Me Yet" Bongwater _You Don't Love Me Yet_

"Blind" Talking Heads _Naked_

"Deanna" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Tender Prey_

"2541" Grant Hart _2541_

"Athol-Brose" Cocteau Twins _Blue Bell Knoll_

"Nobody's Twisting Your Arm" The Wedding Present _Nobody's Twisting Your Arm_

"The Girl With The Strawberry Hair" Talulah Gosh _Bringing Up Baby_

"What Is There To Smile About?" The Close Lobsters _What Is There To Smile About?_

"Molly's Lips" The Vaselines _Dying For It_

"Elephant Stone" The Stone Roses _Elephant Stone_

"Sidewalking" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Sidewalking_

"You Made Me Realise" My Bloody Valentine _You Made Me Realise EP_

"The Boy Who Sees Everything" The Sun & The Moon _Peace In Our Time_

"All That Money Wants" The Psychedelic Furs _All That Money Wants_

"Kurious Oranj" The Fall _I Am Kurious Oranj_

"We Have The Technology" Pere Ubu _The Tenement Year_

Whither 1988?

(image from here)

In October 2002, I started Self Help Radio. In January 2003, around the time of my birthday, I thought, "Why don't I, on my birthday week, play my favorite songs from the year I was born?" That year is 1968. The next year it made sense to play music from 1969. & so on. It's like twenty years later & guess what? I'm at the year 1988.

That was when I was twenty years old. When I started this - would you call it a series? - I played music from a time when I wasn't buying the music yet - except I did buy the White Album when I was eight months old because I rolled that way. In 1988 - well, almost all of the music you'll hear today is music I was listening to back then. Fucking gobbling it up. It was how I spent my time. & how I coped with the world.

Braving icy Portland to get the (checking the internet) three point three miles to the station today from noon to 2pm on 90.3+98.3fm & online at freeform portland dot org. An impossible task, to pick my favorites from an important year for me. So of course I'll revisit the year in a few months. But for now - today! It's 1988!

Preface To 1988: My Twentieth Year On Earth

What a sleeping beauty I was. Good lord. My sister Pat probably took that picture. Was I not wearing socks?

There are so many things to say about my twentieth year that this could get long. It wasn't a happy year & what happened that year meant I was going to be quite unhappy for many years to come.

But first. I had this experience in a kind of - what would you call it - it was a little box that was all mirrors. It feels like it was the first time I had ever really seen myself. & I was very fat & very ugly. So, I decided to do something about it. I basically starved myself for a few months. & I lost a great deal of weight. It was unusual because no one around me noticed or said a thing - but one of my roommates had a friend over & she was astonished - she hadn't seen me in a while - & that's when I knew I had lost weight.

Over the years I'd gain it back but for the time being, I was a thinner - though not thin - person. & that probably helped me when I fell in love. The story is kinda dumb. I had a friend in an English class. I decided to get her a cake for her birthday. I went over to her house with one of my roommates. & I fell in love with my English class friend's roommate.

It's with some irony that I say that, on the drive home, I told my roommate that I think I was falling in love. He told me he didn't find the roommate the slightest bit attractive - which was fine by me because it me who was in love, not him. Why this is ironic will have to wait for my 1991 show.

Now, this fellow was someone I called my "best friend" but as I've mentioned before in previous installments he really wasn't a friend. He didn't like me much, he was openly contemptuous of me actually, but I had grown up with family members treating me the same way so I didn't really notice. He had dropped out of college & moved back to Dallas, but when he wanted to return to Austin, I offered to let him stay in my walk-in closet. Later, when he & my other roommate got an apartment, I gave the rooms to them & I put sheets up in the living room & slept there. Why not get a three-bedroom apartment? My "best friend" couldn't afford it. Later that year, when I was consumed with schoolwork & with courting the girl I was in love with, he announced he was moving out. As did my other roommate. & they left me to deal with breaking the lease & all the other issues. I wish I could tell you that I was done with him at that point but nope! He would continue to be in my life & in fact he would play a pivotal role in utterly destroying it in just a few years but I would stay his friend doing nice things for him for years & years & years.

The other person who would destroy my life was the woman with whom I fell in love. She did not love me then, or ever really, although we'd start a relationship the next year. It's almost as though I willed the relationship into being, & there was enough codependence that she was dragged along, but she made it very clear from the beginning that she was never really that into me. Still, it happened. & looking back so many years I really, really wish it hadn't. I wish she had rejected me utterly.

Last night as I thought about writing all this I had so many stories that I thought this would be a novella. But the truth is, the stories are all the same, all sad. That drooling dope up there was mostly friendless & if he had met a friend who was supportive or kind, not jealous & resentful, he would have thought the person a fool. It just wasn't really how I'd been taught or shown to see the world.

But this is a nice memory. I fell in love with one of my teachers. This is a thing about me - I love people who are passionate. The teacher taught a course I absolutely hated - the English novel in the 18th century - I can't believe I made it through books like Pamela or Moll Flanders. & it was hard to do that, as I was spending all my time with this woman. But gosh that teacher loved her subject & I would just sit in her class with little hearts bubbling above my head as she lectured. She was great.

At the end of the semester I went to her & told her I was utterly unprepared for her final because my head & heart were being consumed by this courtship & she told me she would not give me an incomplete but she would let me come in to take the test later. Which I did, alone in a classroom. & I think I even got an A!

Years later, when I worked at UT, in a department where we helped professors in the College Of Liberal Arts with instructional technology, she called me & asked me about the services. She said my full name but she didn't seem to remember me. Which kinda broke my heart at the time. But I didn't say a thing.

Anyway, who cares about me, the music of 1988 was extraordinary & there's too much for just one show. I'll talk a little bit more about that tomorrow.

The Age Of Twenty

There are not a lot of flattering pictures of me from 1988. The one above - probably taken in the autumn of 1988 - is as close as one might get. It's with my nephew Josh, taken in my sister Pat's home, the circumstances long forgotten. Though I was in my sister's house a lot.

In 1988, I ended my second year of college & I began my third. In the middle - in the summer of 1988 - I lived in Garland, mainly at my sister Pat's house, & I had refused to get a job. I was a bum for three months, & there was a reason for it.

At the end of my second year of college, I had taken two years of German, & I was actually quite proficient in the language. My mother was German, & I had family in Germany, & I wrote them (my mother's brother) to ask if I could spend the summer there. I really wanted to immerse myself in German & thought being there, speaking German, having experiences, would be an amazing experience.

Two things stood in my way. The first was my mother. I found out pretty quickly that my mother was opposed to that idea of me visiting her family without her. This is complicated but it came down to the fact that my mother had told her relatives in Germany many things about her life in the United States which she was hesitant for them to learn that she had exaggerated or outright lied about - without her being there to spin it. She simply did not trust me to represent her in a way that she herself had described to her German family. She did not want me to visit, & told them so.

The second was money. My family in Germany did not have ready money to send to me to get me to Germany. If I had had the money - & you know, I could've easily gotten a credit card! - they would have welcomed me with open arms. But as such, my mother's opposition to visiting kept me from going there.

When I think about it, I kinda counted on spending the summer in Germany. When it didn't happen, I became spiteful. I decided I wouldn't work or do anything like that. I lived at my sister Pat's house & slept all day & woke up at night & wandered around Garland, Texas, listening to music - much of the music that I will play on this week's show - & being a malcontent. I spent a lot of time with my friend Leah, who was a high school girl who had dated my little brother.  But mostly I was up at night thinking I was a poet looking for inspiration. I wrote a lot of terrible poetry.

When I finally got my scholarship money for the fall semester, I used it to buy a bus ticket to visit the girl I had been in love with for two years. She had moved a couple years before from Garland to Memphis & I don't think I hoped that we might rekindle anything - she had never really felt anything for me - but I visited anyway. Dopey hope springs eternal. It's funny, I spent most of the time with her little brother, who was very interested in the music I liked. But I remember one profound moment:

When I saw her again, for the first time, in awhile, I knew I was no longer in love with her. Not that I didn't think she was pretty or attractive, or that I wasn't attracted to her - I wasn't in love with her. This was a distinction that was important to me. Had she wanted to kiss me (she didn't), I might have kissed her. I hadn't had sex yet, but had she wanted to do that, fuck yeah I'd give it a try. But the feelings that I associated with being in love - they were no longer there. As I imposed on her family for a week, I was keenly aware that I did not want to be there.

Of course there were pictures & in one, I put lipstick on & kissed her on the cheek. Here is that picture:

There are two things to mention about that visit. One is that, for whatever reason, I chose not to bring deodorant for myself. I assumed they'd have it. They did not. I tried to slip away to buy some but someone always was around & I felt too self-conscious. Isn't that kinda fucked up? I smelled awful & sweaty but did not have the courage to say hey! I am not this smelly. I am going to buy some roll-on if that's okay.

Second, I really did connect with the love interest's little brother. We corresponded for some time after that. His experience diverged from mine - he was attractive & had far greater success with women than I did & he also began to experiment with drugs, notably LSD, which I was not curious about - so we lost touch. This dear man, with whom I wish I could have stayed in touch, died in 2021. So the memories of spending time with him - even more than with his sister, the object of my affections - seem in retrospect more powerful, important, felt. I wish we had been closer. I fear I had dismissed him because he was somewhat younger than me.

After that, I returned to Austin for my third year of college, & my life would change a lot.

Busy Snow Day

It's been cold & snowy in Portland for days now. My schedule is kinda out of whack - I haven't taken the dogs on a proper walk in what seems like forever. & I haven't been somewhere to do a radio show since - well, since Thursday. But it feels like many weeks ago.

What I have done however is made three (3) radio shows for a total of six hours of radio - but it's not all that original - my Dickenbock Report on XRAY yesterday used a previous Self Help Radio episode about kites, & I re-did last week's Self Help Radio for KBOO today. & yesterday I put together Corporate Standardized Programming for tonight. & this afternoon I put together (but did not record airbreaks for) a sub show on KBOO on Friday.

Meanwhile, Freeform Portland is without power - tomorrow we're supposed to get frozen rain! We've been very fortunate to have been spared a lack of electricity. But it's quite cold. Too cold to take all the dogs on a walk - the wife carried Yoko because she's so small & shivery. She seemed okay with that.

Holy smokes I just realized that if I am able to do Self Help Radio this week I'll have done radio five out of seven days this past week! There really should be a law against that.

This is my birthday week so get ready for mostly sad stories about my twentieth year on this planet. It's funny, the music was incredible - but so much of my future unhappiness was set in motion in 1988.