The Slightly Odd Return Of Self Help Radio Extra!

I listen to a lot of music, but at times I don't get to do a lot of radio shows, mostly getting one a week during my entire time on the radio. Also, some of the people who appreciate my musical taste don't necessarily want to listen to me yammer on about zombies & robots in-between songs. One simple solution for this dilemma was to make a mix CD for those people, put it up on my website, & call it something like "Self Help Radio Extra." I did that, starting in October of 2007, & more or less continued doing it up until sometime last year. I can hazard a guess why I stopped - I was doing a radio show & a weekly podcast, & then when we moved to Lexington, I was subbing a lot of shows on WRFL. But I had a little time this week & I thought I'd make a mix. For you. Here it is. On the Self Help Radio Extra page.

You may think there's a theme to the mix, but there really isn't. There's a reason it sort of looks the way it does, when you see the playlist, but I'm not going to tell you what the reason is, or why the reason is, or whatever. You can puzzle over it or you can listen to it or you can do neither because you don't care.

Self Help Radio Extra has returned. & you didn't even know it had gone anywhere!

Can You Hear Me Now? Oooomph!

As loud as Self Help Radio was last night, it was nowhere near loud enough to get everyone's attention, & as such, I am going to have to find another way to get everyone to look at me & listen to what I have to say & fall in love with me & think everything I say & do is valuable & adorable. Rats.

You control the loudness, though, so if you didn't catch the show, or caught it but had the volume down too low & need to listen to it again, or simply want to play it as loud as possible to scare all the cats in the neighborhood (or convince them to dance with you), you can listen to it now over at self help radio dot net. It's there now waiting for you to raise its decibels if that's your idea of fun.

Hey! Can you hear me? I'm writing in a whisper! Is it sexy? Or creepy? Or are you waiting for me to tell you a secret? I have no secrets. I'm just whispering to make everyone think I do. It seems counterintuitive but I think you can use an exclamation point in a whisper! It's just a louder whisper! Oh crap, why is it every time I whisper a librarian shows up to shush me?

The Loudest Radio Show Ever

I forgot to mention, with it being Valentine's Day & all, that you can still download the songs from the Self Help Radio Valentine's Day 2011 show, which was about love songs, at this link here. I'll leave the zip file there for a couple more days. Please to enjoy this (late, if you missed it) Valentine's Day gift from Self Help Radio to you.

Tonight, though, on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington, Self Help Radio will be - well, not loud - I mean, as I've said before, you control the volume knob - so it's always as loud as you want it to be - but in its own head it will be the loudest radio show ever. Not because of its volume, or even because it's wearing gaudy clothing (though it will be), but because it's about loudness, & will explore loud in a way that presupposes volume. Or maybe supersedes volume. Or perhaps expands upon volume. Or maybe it would be better if I said it overtakes volume. All of these. Even, perchance, none of these. You know how it is.

That's tonight, midnight, on 88.1 in Lexington & all over the world at wrfl dot fm. It may be so loud, though, that you don't even have to have the radio on to listen.

Whither Loudness?

A decibel is a complicated thing (just read the wikipedia definition) but for our purposes here it is a measure of loudness. It measures power & intensity - in this case, the power & intensity of sound. When we speak to each other, for example, unless we have no indoor voice, we speak at around 60 decibels, or 60 dB. (Technically, it's dB(A), but I am a layperson & I will assume I'm not addressing an audio engineer or other smarty-pants in the world of sound measurement.) How does that compare with other sounds we hear?

The noise of a rocket taking off is 180 dB. A public library when the librarian is doing his or her job, 40 dB.

An air raid siren is about 130 dB. Leaves rustling, 30 dB.

Your typical night club is pretty loud at 110 dB. Your typical office, around 50 dB.

Oh, an important one for radio listeners: "amplified rock music" can be from 110 to 130 dB. A noisy restaurant is 70 dB.

A screaming child is as loud as a lawn mower is an loud as a "passing motorcycle": 90 dB.

You're lucky, though. You can control the volume knob on your radio. Self Help Radio need only be as loud as you want it to be. Some people, it must be said, turn it all the way down.

Preface To Loudness: Ear Damage

While everyone assumes that Self Help Radio is supposed to be listened to loud, it may surprise you that Self Help Radio actually cares about your hearing, & hopes that you do not choose volume over ear health.

What happens to your beautiful ears when you listen to loud music? A borderline literate researcher at the "wikianswers" page says this:

"The waves & vibrations of the music pound into your delicate eardrum, located close behind the hammer & anvil. Sound, which is collected by your outside, visible ear (the pinna) travels through the outer ear canal. Your eardrum then vibrates as well as the three mini bones around it: the anvil, hammer, & stirrup. All named those names because of their shapes. This vibration goes to the cochlea (a snail like spiral), which has many little hairs that have nerve signals sent to the brain. If you listen to loud music, the hairs fall off. & you go deaf."

Yes, friends, loud music will make your inner ear bald. & if you're as old as some of the men behind Self Help Radio, you know that the hair that eventually grows just inside & on your ear as old age embarrasses us more & more is no replacement for the nervy hairs on the naughtily-named cochlea.

Furthermore, if you can no longer hear, how could listen to Self Help Radio? While there is no evidence of an increase in quality from show to show, from year to year, with Self Help Radio, one can always hope, & should you no longer be able to listen, what might you miss when Self Help Radio finally covers your favorite theme in 2018? Could you live with yourself then?

Take care of your ears! Listen to all things at a moderate, pleasing volume. Use protection when you go out to see "rock & roll" bands. Good listeners have good ears. Self Help Radio needs all the listeners it can get!

United States Of College Radio

This is a nice web page: the Best College Radio Stations. It lists the criteria at the bottom:

"Must be non-commercial;
Must be affiliated with a college/university & be (mostly) student run;
Must have a full schedule of freeform programming;
Must broadcast a live, high-quality .mp3 or .ogg stream."

You'll see my station WRFL hovering over Kentucky, kinda alone in the midst of things. You'll not see WMUL, as they don't stream, except for sports programming. You can find my alma mater KVRX down ol' Texas way.

They also have a nice Google Calendar of notable shows. How lovely it would be if Self Help Radio made it on there!

I think the map is really cool, & it's fun to taste the occasional college radio station from time-to-time. It makes you believe that there's a lot of great radio happening, utterly in spite of awful commercial radio. Good for everyone involved! & much thanks to this site's creator!

For You, On This Valentine's Day

Oh you, you, you, my dearest vinyl covering, my darling caramel coating, my favorite cheese! Self Help Radio's Valentine's offering - a radio shows about love songs - is yours for you as I know you would want it - on the internet for all to see - of course at self help radio dot net. But wait! I know you long for nothing more than the mopey lope of my voice going on & on about some trivial inanity - but I adore you so, my chocolate snail, that I have collected for you in a handy zip file usually openable on most computers in the 21st century of all the songs I played on that magical show - plus some I didn't have time to play - because if you love something, you should set it free, & I am setting myself free from the music I play, mainly so I can get some sleep. Self Help Radio's Valentine's gift to you is right here for you, my semiprecious waffle cone, to enjoy when & if you wish. It's only available until Valentine's Day - oh, & while I'm at it, did I mention that last year's Valentine's Day show, about girlfriends, is also available to listen to? I mean, if you can't get enough of me, which I know is highly improbable.

Please enjoy my collection of songs about love songs & also love songs which call themselves love songs, which encapsulates both the meta-ironic side of our relationship as well as our mutual love for painfully obvious things that calls attention to themselves. My flying buttress! My detached megalomaniac! My product of an inspired lapidary!

Valentine's Deliverance

I don't really think much of Valentine's Day - but others do, & so I've devoted several Self Help Radios to it. I am all in favor of love, of course, although I am also grateful I don't have to love so many people. Just the requisite familial love (most of it in neutral, saved for awkward occasions), then the more important friendly love, for my dearest friends, & then at last the love for the wife & our family, most of whom smell doggy, while those that don't, smell a little catty. (I won't tell you which category the wife falls into.) None of them expect a valentine from me. Or if they do, they expect it every day.

But tonight! It's Self Help Radio's annual Valentine's Day show, this one subtitled "love song." I'm sure it's something you'll want to share with your special someone in your life who smells either doggy or catty. Or both. It's on at midnight tonight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & it's streaming from the WRFL website all over the world except maybe Egypt. You should listen.

If you can't listen, I'll archive it in time for Valentine's Day over at the Self Help Radio website. Just follow the trail of chocolate hearts. Or rose petals. I haven't decided yet. I mean, the dogs'll probably eat the hearts, but then again they'll probably eat the rose petals, too. They're romantic like that. Also, beagles.

I hope you listen! I'm dedicating a love song to you!

Whither Love Songs?

Well, I spoke too soon. It's snowing like a mothersnower out there. Gigantic flakes. It's like I'm living in a snow globe.

It's 2011, & I'm doing my annual Valentine's Day show, which I started doing during the first Valentine's Day I had Self Help Radio, which was in 2003. Eight years ago! I've had the same Valentine since then. At the time, if you had said that to me, I would've scoffed. I would've scoffed in your face!

That first show was generic. I decided that, if I were to continue doing annual shows, I should make them somewhat more specific. For example, I have specificized (that's not a word) my Halloween shows. They're not just about "Halloween," although I could do a Halloween show about Halloween, just like I could - & may yet do - a Valentine's Day show just about Valentine's Day. Not yet!

Anyway, here's a rundown of my rundown themes for my rundown Valentine's Day shows:

February 12, 2003: Valentine's Show
February 11, 2004: The LOVE Show
February 09, 2005: The HATE Show
February 00, 2006: No Valentine's Day show - no station (it had burnt down the month before)
February 09, 2007: Valentine's Day 2007 - Crushes
February 08, 2008: Valentine's Day 2008 - Jealousy
February 14, 2009: Valentine's Day 2009 - Boyfriends
February 08, 2010: Valentine's Day 2010 - Girlfriends

I did sort of do a Valentine's song show for my first Valentine's day - but it wasn't comprehensive & I call backsies.

This year's show is a Valentine's Day show about love songs. That's pretty vague, yes? Not really. There are two rules:

1) It has to be a song about love songs.
2) It has to be a love song that calls itself a love song.

For example, the song "Silly Love Songs" by Linda McCartney & Wings is the perfect example of both. It tells you it's about love songs, but also the male Linda in the band sings "Here I go, again! I love you..." to a derivative disco beat that embarrassed even Barry White at the time. I would never play that song on Self Help Radio despite the fact that Linda had once been in the Rolling Stones, her claim to fame, before she tried to kill George Harrison with a melody. Where was I?

One song I may play, in some form or another, is "Lovesong" by the Cure, which is a love song that calls itself a love song, but economizes by making it one word instead of two. I will not play "Lvsng" by the Cur, which is a love song that calls itself a love song, sort of, but economizes by making it one syllable instead of two. Also, the song is twelve seconds long. & it sounds a little too much like frogs fucking. I'm just saying.

Another song I won't play is the corny "Just An Old Fashioned Love Song" by Three Dog Night. Why not, you may ask? It's because I have three dogs & they like to sing that song every night. That, & the Jeremiah was a bullfrog song, every night, like an insane postmodern dog melody that makes every stray & feral cat in the neighborhood howl like there's blood in their stool & all they have is Bill Frist's idea of feline health care. I just couldn't in good conscience play a song like when I know so many kittens are listening.

I still haven't decided what all I'll play so you have time to write me with suggestions. & if you want a Valentine's Day present from me, you should totally 'like' the show on Facebook to keep up with what present I'll give you the day after the show, which will be before Valentine's Day, so you won't be as disappointed as last year, when all the presents I sent were eaten by the staff at every West Virginia post office which is why they're so obese & no one likes them.

We're safer in Kentucky. Unless it smells like bourbon. So I won't be sending that sort of thing.

Preface To Love Songs: A Love Song To Ronald Reagan

Well, not a love song exactly. More like an antidote to the hagiography that has probably infected every little bit of media not swallowed up by the Super Bowl (although there might be a Ronald Reagan parade during the Super Bowl! it's happening in Dallas, after all). (I haven't watched any television today, so I wouldn't know.)

When Reagan died, & the same sort of nonsense happened, my friend Ken attempted a curative on one of his best Ken's Last Ever Radio Extravaganza shows. He called it "The Great Communicator" & it's an awesome reminder of how awful a president he was. Please note: there have been reports of the show inducing nausea in listeners. Don't listen while operating heavy machinery. Or even while driving.

Now I'm off to watch the Puppy Bowl! I am praying there are no Reagan references on it.

Too Many Tabs Open On The Browser; Crash Imminent

I've been up for nearly 23 hours. That doesn't count a small fitful nap I may or may not have had over thirteen hours ago. Recalculating. I have been up for nearly 43 hours.

I can't tell if winter is on its last legs or if it's gearing up for some more sumbitching. It's very hard to say where I am now living. For example, it snowed in Austin recently, & only did that when I was living there once or twice, never sticking around long enough to do anything but panic every driver & give the newscasters a chance to talk about "school closings."

Well, "school closings" in the context of something other than "Republican plans."

I seem to remember snow in late February/early March last year. Seasons are confusing. This is what the now-"classic view" of the
Weather Underground is telling me about the upcoming week:



It's telling that I look forward to forty degree weather. Tomorrow we'll be able to walk the dogs!

We were very lucky that the blizzard that discommoded (or even over-stressed) the midwest & southwest recently missed up by a few miles. But it does look like snow will return, even if it doesn't stick.

Hey, did you know that most weather forecasters deny climate change, while most climate change scientists are in nearly unanimous agreement that it's happening? What do you think about that?

Remaining Seated For The Duration

Well, if you're comfortable, & have assumed your favorite sitting posture, I shall begin. This song, of course, was once sung to the tune of "Scurvy Sue," a popular sea shanty in & around the greater Barbados area.

We're coming home, sit down, sit down,
We're coming home, sit down!
For fuck's sake, Pete, just have a seat
We're coming home, sit down

Are yer sitting down, sit down, sit down,
Are yer sitting down, sit down!
For fuck's sake, Russ, what's all the fuss
Are yer sitting down, sit down!

Yer broke the chair, sit down, sit down,
Yer broke the chair, sit down?!?
Good heavens, lass, yer've got quite an ass
Yer broke the chair, sit down!

Yer broke the stool, sit down, sit down,
Yer broke the stool, sit down?!?
Ye gods Mr. Pratt yer've gotten quite fat
& yer broke the stool, sit down!

There's nowheres to sit, sit down, sit down,
There's nowheres to sit, sit down!
In spite of our quarrels, we'll rest on our laurels,
There's nowheres to sit, sit down!

Yes, I will sit first, sit down, sit down,
Oh I will sit first, sit down!
Yer can do yer worst, but I swear I'll sit first
I swear I'll sit first, sit down!

So sit with me now, sit down, sit down,
Come sit with me now, sit down!
It's gettin' so late so for heaven's fuck sake
Come sit with me now, sit down!

Needless to say, since I don't own the copyright-free rights to the song, I could not perform it with the Self Help Radio All-Volunteer Marching Band last night on Self Help Radio's show about sitting. However, there were many other songs of a less rummy nature, which you can hear if you so choose by go to the Self Help Radio website. The nice thing is, if you're sitting already, you won't even have to get up.

Also, the fiftieth (!) episode of Sugar Substitute aired last night, too!

Don't Get Up!

You can just sit there. In fact, you should sit up & take notice - Self Help Radio's show tonight is all about sitting. In fact, it feels like it's sitting pretty. If that doesn't sit well with you, you don't have to listen - no one's sitting in judgement of your radio show tastes. But if we were having a sit-down, I'd say you ought to sit tight till midnight, because Self Help Radio starts thenabouts on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & is live all over the internet world at wrfl dot fm.

But if you simply can't get out of your chair & listen, I'll put it on the Self Help Radio website tomorrow. I'd just hate for you to have to sit this one out. You know?

Whither Sitting?

Tomorrow, Self Help Radio will remain seated during its entire show. This may be completely unheard of. I can't think of a time when the entire show was done in a sitting position. But so it shall be.

& oh, by the way, WRFL is not known for the comfiness of their chairs. In reality, the deejay booth is equipped with a small love seat (with two moveable "trays" on its arms, both of which are warped so completely they're unhelpful with holding things like drinks or bags), several metal stools, & a strange stool-chair which, some time over the holidays, gained a menacing dark spot on its grey seat fabric which, to all appearances, still seems wet. Sit on that? No thanks!

Yet these are the privations that Self Help Radio will endure to make a show about sitting as authentic as possible. Did you know that Hollywood elites like Tom Hanks, Eddie Albert, & Mike Connors actually appeared on talk shows in which they acted as though they were sitting, but, in fact, were not? Scandalous! Oh sure, they may have said that that was what acting was all about, but the truly great actors, like Obese Marlon Brando & Obese Orson Welles knew the value of sitting. Some have pointed out that, in utter devotion to their craft, they spent their last few years doing little else but sitting.

Self Help Radio's show about sitting is a tribute to their tenacity.

Unless Self Help Radio needs to go to the bathroom, in which case the show will do it during a long song & no one will know but me.

Preface To Sitting: I Won't Stand For This!

Self Help Radio, you know, is weak in the knees. Oh, sure, it appears to have strong calves, but underneath there are weak ankles. It's also, to be fair, quite old. Almost nine. Nine! That's pretty old in radio show years.

Also, Self Help Radio never exercises. It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true. It never has the time! It's always doing something, so for it to even go out for a little fresh air is just, well, how could it even pencil such a thing in? Also, it sleeps a lot. At every opportunity. It's napping now! It was too tired to go to bed for the night, so it thought it should have a little nap first.

All right, it's a lazy fucking radio show.

So it's going to sit down this week. If you don't mind. Just have a seat, & sit. For ninety minutes.

Is there a comfy chair nearby? One that maybe reclines? A little bit? Yeah?

Tunisia! Egypt!

On a blog which is unanimously ignored thanks to the complete & utter lack of notoriety of the radio show which it represents, it is often appropriate to suddenly talk about world-shaking international political events just to spice things up. So today, we'll say hooray for the people of Tunisia & good luck to the masses in Egypt.

You heard me! Self Help Radio is taking a stand for democracy! Down with lifetime strong-man dictators! Up with people!

But wait, are you suggesting this is hypocritical? "Hey!" you say, "if you're so all-fired-up for democracy, why isn't Self Help Radio a democracy? Why is a single tyrant in charge? Sure, you say you take requests, but you don't have to play them! For example, I am always requesting Rush songs. Why come you never play the Rush songs I request?"

(Oh, it's this guy. Crap.)

You are mistaken, straw man sir! Self Help Radio has a long & illustrious history of supporting democratically-run radio! Just ask all the people who probably don't remember the show at all at the stations on which it's aired!

You see, you're going about it the wrong way. Self Help Radio itself is like a single unit in the democracy of radio. What Self Help Radio supports is RADIO SHOWS FOR EVERYBODY! Take the airspace! Take the frequencies! A revolution in radio is available all over the dial!

Yes, you can have your own show in which you play Rush all the time. In the Self Help Radio democracy, at least. Probably not in Tunisia or Egypt. At least not yet.

I'm So Over The Underground

Dateline January 26, 2011: late afternoon. Though the previous night had been marked with an interestingly simultaneous rainfall & snowfall, the deejay woke up this morning to a snow-covered city. A cold day, much like most of the winter, with a foul-breathed dog waking him with whines & then, after he had put on his clothes to let the damn canine out, went to his dog bed & fell back asleep.

The intrepid deejay also wished to sleep, but was instead beset by felines begging for morning food. After obliging them, though he was still bleary-eyed & dozy, the deejay was met by not one but three amazingly foul-breathed dogs who demanded their morning meals. They also demanded he clean up after them, outside, in the snow, after their morning bowel movements. Ironically, it was they, & not he, who got treats afterwards.

The deejay found a quiet moment & he attended not to his own concerns, but to the concerns of the hypothetical (as far as anyone can tell) listener of Self Help Radio. With confidence & an amusing lack of technical ability, the deejay edited from digital recordings his shows of the previous night, as well as the show he had subbed the day before. Sleepily he tried to remember his password so he could ftp the files to his server. One of the cats, impatient at his ineptitude, reminded him & then called him a name not printable in a family blog.

His task finished, his files uploading, the deejay looked forward to a small lunch & perhaps a nap in the gray afternoon light. But no! The dogs needed to void their bladders! & he needed to tell everyone that the shows were available online! What else was there to do, but to let the dogs out & describe his life in the uncomfortable third person voice?

Look! This week's Self Help Radio ("underground") as well as this week's Sugar Substitute (pop pop poppy pop) & as a bonus Monday's WRFL electronica sub (makes all robots happy) are available for listening at self help radio dot net. The deejay will see to the dogs & the cats. You may listen at your leisure.

Going Underground

You may need to wait a bit to adjust your eyes, because it's quite dark underground. Granted, I know a place where there are some phosphorescent lichen that you may even be able to read by, but otherwise, we're not taking any lamps or flashlights or torches. We're going to spend ninety minutes underground the way insects & snakes & gophers & moles do. Then we'll come up & eat people's in gardens. Except it's January. The ground is damp with melty snow. What a bad plan!

That's tonight at midnight on 88.1 fm in Lexington or online at wrfl dot fm. I've archive it tomorrow on the Self Help Radio website, but you should listen live, if only to get all that mud & dirt in your hair & to commune with the rabbits who'll be watching.

I may not have time today to put up the electronics show I did yesterday - I'm still working on tonight's show - but I'll make a mention of it tomorrow if I do, & may mention it sooner on my Facebook page. Maybe you'd want to "like" the show there to keep up? It's not like we have to kiss or anything.

Tonight! Underground! You! Me! No kissing! Promise!

Whither Underground?

There's a secret underground fortress near my home which no one, not even me, knows about. Could it belong to the government? Or given to the Tea Party through Medicare? I wish I knew! But I don't even know there's an underground fortress there! It's a secret, even from me.

They do say, though, that it's amazing, & goes all the way to the Daniel Boone National Forest, where it then gets cranky. That's dozens of miles away! So it's not only deep, but wide. & if there were in fact a secret underground fortress (who would know? no one!) it might also be decorated with posters of pretty people with the haircuts you want, like in barber shops. How they would smile! & there smiles would be like fluorescent lights, illuminating the long passageways into & out of Eastern Kentucky.

Journalists would like to know who owns the secret underground fortress, & also who maintains it, since it is rumored to be very clean. Except no one knows about the secret underground fortress, so there's no one they can ask. & although most journalists aren't afraid to just make things up, they are afraid that someone will know they're making things up. & who would believe there was a secret underground fortress near my house in Lexington, Kentucky? People would say, "You're journalists, not sci-fi writers! Come on!"

You might be asking me, how do I know about the secret underground fortress? Have I seen it, since it's near my house? No, of course not! I don't even know it exists! It's a secret, after all. The truth is, I have no idea what you're talking about. Do you know how much money it would cost to build & keep up a secret underground fortress? You would need a lot of gold - like, a Fort Knox of gold. & Fort Knox is like 80 miles away! In the other direction!

The only thing I do know is that Self Help Radio this week is about all things underground. Also, that I will be subbing one of WRFL's electronica shows tonight at 6pm - 88.1 fm in Lexington, online at wrfl dot fm. The studio there is not underground. Not yet.

Preface To Underground: How Low Can You Go?

What is the farthest underground humans have gone? Do you know? Me neither. Hooray for computers!

According to Wikipedia: "As of 2008, the deepest mine in the world is TauTona in Carletonville, South Africa at 3.9 kilometers (2.4 miles), replacing Savuka Mine in the North West Province of South Africa at 3,774 meters (2.3 miles). East Rand Mine in Boksburg, South Africa briefly held the record at 3,585 meters (2.2 miles), & the first mine declared the deepest in the world was also TauTona when it was at 3,581 meters (2.2 miles). The deepest mine in Europe is Pyhäsalmi Mine in Pyhäjärvi, Finland at 1,444 meters (roughly 9/10th of a mile)."

The deepest cave in the world is the Krubera Cave (also known as Voronya Cave) located in the Arabika Massif of the Gagrinsky Range of the Western Caucasus, in the Gagra district of Abkhazia, Georgia. It's 2,191 meters (1.4 miles) deep - & that's its deepest explored point. You can read more about it here.

The deepest I've gone - I dunno - maybe it was the Paris Catacombs. I read that they're a mere 22 to 65 feet beneath ground level, in a space of more than 600 acres, with an official tourist route of about three quarters of a mile, but it sure felt like I was in the bowels of the earth. Maybe it was because all those skulls were also there.

Proof!