Whither "Keep On"?

As I write this, much later than I normally write this nonsense, there's a magnificent storm happening in Austin. I had to drive through about two feet of water tonight, past cars who were in deeper than I was - & where *I* could have been, if they hadn't blundered there first. I love these kinds of storms, especially when I am more or less safe & dry, but I also think the power could be shut off at any moment, so I should type fast.

By the way, there were people there helping the stuck-in-the-water cars. I'm not that self-absorbed that I wouldn't have stopped. I don't live in the middle of nowhere.

Also, I am the only person in Austin who doesn't have a cell phone. My pets have cell phones, I don't. Someone had called a tow truck.

Which reminds me, I saw a tow truck today with a Jesus fishie on it. I know that businesses put those Jesus fishies on their logos, etc., to let Christians know they're a Christian business (whatever that means), but I wonder, do they know that it makes some people go, "Eew!" Isn't that the opposite of what being a business is all about? Also, what makes a Christian tow truck different than, say, a Muslim tow truck? More forgiving of debts? Would someone like to try that one out?

So the show in barely two days has the theme "keep on." Once again, I noticed that phrase almost peripherally & wondered how many songs repeat the phrase. There were a lot. I said, "I'll form a show around it." I took my medication. I had a nice sleepie. The days came & went. Soon, my schedule told me that I had to do that show. Now I will do it. But first, I'll take my medication. Then I'll have a nice sleepie.

Or maybe I'll go play in the rain.

Preface To "Keep On": I Want To Be In An Urban 1970s Sitcom Please

This week on Self Help Radio, a team of stinky linguists will decontruct the phrase "keep on." Then, the rest of the time (89 minutes) will be devoted to a long exposition of my painful childhood. & why not? Everyone thinks this "theme" is filler. I hear your sneers. I feel your squeals. I taste your haste. I see your inability.

Here are things I'll be discussing when I am not cussing:

1) How one learns that the pretty girls say very bad words & also fart when they think one is a deaf-mute.
2) How the same action that gets you cred in the second grade - say, bringing your favorite comic books to school - can have the opposite effect in the eighth grade.
3) How cruel youth can be when they're beating the living shit out of you.
4) How trying to be as inconspicuous as possible during twelve long years of schooling can make it impossible to reconnect with your old friends thirty years later on "classmates.com."
5) How easily one can be convinced that being locked in a closet on weekends can be a good thing for a child with an active imagination, especially when one's mother has a silver tongue.
6) How sex can't be explained through pornography or the colorful expressions your friend Kirk uses, even if they seem descriptive enough.
7) How falling off a motorbike can make you bleed a lot, & how the laughter of your fellows compares with a calm, drug-heavy ride in the back of an ambulance.
8) How much one can add to one's sleep requirement by sitting in the back of the room.

Oh, I can keep on doing this for a long time. I may keep on doing it all day Friday. Will you keep on listening? I will keep on hoping that you do.

When Pirates Dance!

As April ends, I want to remember the fourth month I experienced in 2007. It seemed gloomy, rainy & sad, but also weirdly sunny, bright & warm. I may have lost fourteen dollars this month. But I also may have gained a new tooth. As April ends, I am forced to wonder: was I involved with April at all? Or did I simply just mow the lawn a couple of times & then sleep fitfully?

In April, I found out the bees are dying. My own experience with bees has been that, while they appear to be listening, they really retain nothing. After I patiently explained the difference between sugar, high fructose corn syrup & aspertame to a very sweet worker one afternoon, she still wanted to make out with my diet soda. Then she stung me & died, which I found a little too much. My mother used to guilt me like that.

If there's one lesson we should take from April, it's that daylight savings time is taxing. Oh shit, that's like a pun. Ha ha! Or, we can say that tax day saves you everything but daylight. No, that's not true. I know. That the only thing safe from tax day is sunlight. Unless you deal in solar futures. Then, never mind.

I promised last April that I would keep a running tally of the number of times I clipped my nails this April, because I had dreamt that Sid Caesar told me that your fingernails grow twice as long but your toenails twice as slow in April. Or maybe I had dreamt that April Stevens had warned me about the Ides Of March last month, because that's when Caesar died. Or maybe I was just daydreaming while watching HBO's Rome. Did that end this April?

April's not over yet! There's still time to win the lottery, grow a goatee, nail 95 theses to your church's wall, become a vegetarian, design a series of stamps that commemorate McLain Stevenson, bag a thrush, help a friend learn her vocal scales, care for a particularly sickly tree, crawl from the wreckage, reject a telemarketer's advances, get lost in someone's eyes, hit it but don't quit it, & possibly squeeze in a good cry with a friend.

But hurry!

Oh, & if you're interested in what was happening in the middle of April with Self Help Radio, my Black Cassette show is available for your listening pleasure.

What To Expect & When To Expect It

Because I am on the radio, people expect me to know virtually everything about everything. I surprise them because I do. Ta-da! I know virtually everything about everything. It's just how you define "virtually." & "about." & "everything."

Much buzz has been generated in my own head this past week about my triumphant return to the airwaves to do Self Help Radio once again. Sure, many lives were lost in the crazy coup d'etat my foes from NPR & the "Everything 99¢" chain stores waged to get me off the air. They're still cleaning all the blood & raisins out of the carpet at KOOP. But though I was forced to retreat for a week, I am returning this Friday, like MacArthur to the Phillipines. & everyone agreed that the radio show MacArthur did the night of his return was the best radio show of his long career.

Not many people have written me to ask, "Gary, do you forgive your enemies for their ridiculous attempt at depriving the world of your genius?" Of course not. They are my enemies & we have an agreement. Besides, it's come to my attention that many religious figures urged forgiveness, & none of them ever had a radio show. There's a correllation there if you squint hard enough & have someone tap you incessantly on the forehead at the same time. I won't be drowned in the mistakes of the past, any more than I'll be clotheslined by the errors of the present. Right now, my concern is for the catastrophic boo-boos of the future.

Tomorrow is the new tomorrow; yesterday is yesterday's yesterday. The days of the week shall be renamed with the names of species of bees that are dying off. Please let me know when they announce the end of the world - I will therefore be able to start smoking again with impunity.

Ah, Self Help Radio. You are again safe, protected & loved. Let us converge in twenty-four hours, at the four-thirty time slot, & see what we can see. Embrace me! Embrace us all!

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 8

Why make lists at all? Why best ofs and worst ofs & top tens? Could there be something wrong with it all?

The first "best of" list was not, as many have supposed, the Top Ten Best Laws Of The Land by Hammurabi, who, & many people don't know this, was also a disc jockey on the weekends. No, the oldest & among the best "best of" lists was a series of rocks, flower parts, animal guts & strangely-shaped twigs, made by none other than Lucy - the fossil of her "best of" list was found with her fossil, meaning she was probably obsessing over something when she died. Who's to say?

But is the Indiepop A To Z a list or merely an attempt to make some kind of "encyclopedia"? The folks over at twee.net probably didn't think their list of indiepop bands was definitive. They just wanted people to see what an example of indiepop was. Leave it to a freak like me...

Someone has probably guessed right now what the whole point is: it's a chance for a lazy deejay (me) to show off what a large record collection he has (duh) by following some dumb list. I'm sure someone's done it for all kinds of genres. I just happen to be doing it now. & even though it's a sign of laziness, BOY is it exhausting.

I thought of something funny just now. If you collapse "record collection," you get "recollection." Isn't recollection just a collection of records? I so want to become Andy Rooney right now.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I continue a hopeless task on Friday. Tune in. We won't finish the Bs, but we'll get mighty close.

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 8: Eight Times The Charmer!

Hello. Self Help Radio returns this week with the eighth installment of our popular "Indiepop A To Z" series. We last left off with a band called Brincando De Deus, so, as you can imagine, we're going to start - if not finish entirely, although I truly doubt that - the Bs.

This will be a return to Self Help Radio after a week off. If you must know, I was forced off the air by a brief but bloody military coup in my own home. If you heard Self Help Radio last week, you might have noticed the show was programmed by what sounded like very fat & lazy beagles. That's because our dogs found a way to lock me in the bathroom, eat everything in the house & then rush to do my show. I spent the weekend cleaning up after them. But I was able to reassert control when they realized they couldn't use my credit card. They're my dogs, so there's obviously a family resemblance, but in the photo on my credit card, I am clean-shaven. Foiled!

By the way, it's very obvious to me the dogs didn't think of this themselves. But the cats kept their paws clean. Or, if their paws were dirty, they cleaned them carefully before I noticed.

Anyway, I am committed to continuing the Indiepop A To Z for the time being, so let's put all the unpleasantness of the past week behind us & forge ahead. Eventually there'll be a gigantic audio documentation of indiepop from a to z which will be like a giant Ken Burns documentary - saved in someone's collection but never listened to.

Viva!

Whither A Self Help Radio Without Gary?

I should title this "Whither Death & Taxes," as that is the theme this week, but since I won't be doing it, I am concentrating on my absence. As you should. For what is my absence but the lack of my presence? Surely I woke up this morning expecting to be there, & you should be expecting me to wake up next to you every morning. Wait. What? I mean, you should expect that I am on the radio when I am supposed to be on the radio (you know, like we're supposed to be happy), & when I am not there, you should be thinking, "But where is Gary? Could he be (as we might assume he be) in a mess o'trouble? For he ain't got a lick o'sense! But maybe he'll find a bit o'luck, & we'll see him when we see him." You should be thinking that, by the way, in a bad Southern accent. If you're thinking it in a good Southern accent, you're missing the point.

Instead of preparing for my show in (what is it now?) nine days - & this show will change everything you think about dope dealers & greeting cards, I promise you - I have been watching the Larry Sanders show. If only Self Help Radio could be the Larry Sanders Show. This is my fictional invitation to a fictional talk show host played a person who has the beautifulest of all names, Gary, but spells it with two rs as if to say he's better than those Garys who spell with only one r. & he is. But he's the only one. Take that Garry Fucking Marshall! I didn't need you to finance my movie anyway.

So the show won't have me this week, but you will have the show. Except the show won't be hosted by me, so, although I am certain Art Baker will do a fabulous job, it won't quite be the show that I do. You know, the show that I do to you. For you. Because it is just me & you, my love, & the problems of one very minor radio celebrity & one completely oversexed listener don't amount to a hill of beans in this laser-hair-removal world. What are those problems? Well, I'd suggest we start at the Potsdam Conference & work our way down.

I'm hungry. Want to grab a bite to eat? Cool.

Preface To A Self Help Radio Without Gary: What If It Becomes A Habit?

Dearest Friends,

I am sorry I cannot be with you this week. Self Help Radio has been, alas, the victim of a buyout. A hostile takeover. Evil corporate ethics at their worst.

So this week, Art Baker of Jamaican Gold has kindly decided to step in to be a place-holder (& to do a damn fine show, I suspect) while the dust settles. While the lawyers fuck. While the money is counted.

This probably means a great deal to you, the shareholders. After all, you urged me to go public in October. You were all like, "Gary, your show is a public treasure! Let's all own a piece of you!"

The blame is partially my own, of course. I have a gambling problem. My problem is, I don't know how to gamble. I am completely incapable of learning the rules to any particular game. The cards need to add up to 21? How can they do that without calculators? The little ball goes where? Okay, I've put my coin in, why doesn't the machine move? Tens are wild? Is that like saying "nines are frisky but ones are dull"?

In any event, I lost even my controlling share in Self Help Radio. Next week, I will be an employee of the show, not the owner & proprietor. Which reminds me, I need to get a new shingle to hang out front. Anyway.

I can't be at the show this week, but please tune in to hear Art Baker talk about "death & taxes" & play songs about it. I'll be back the next Friday with a continuation of the Indiepop A To Z series, but, alas, you'll hear these chilling words - the death rattle of a show killed by commerce:

"Self Help Radio, a fully owned subsidiary of Bloat Enterprises, Worldwide. All rights reserved."

Sigh.

A Friday Hoppity

So, although I'm not sure if this is the official word of the station, the KOOP Spring 2007 Membership Driveis ending today. We have probably met our goal ($35,000) by now, & just want to be grateful & end the day with smaller & smaller requests for your help. Of course no money will be rejected, & I'll have special copies of "The Black Cassette" to give away on my own show for your pledges. So please listen. If you've been kinda down this week, & it reminds you of being a depressed teenager, my show should be a kind of comfort.

I won't be doing my show next week - I have an important presentation at work - but Art Baker of Jamaican Gold will be sitting in to do a Self Help Radio show about "Death & Taxes." I can't wait.

I'll be writing all next week, though, because I can. & because I've got writer's block in regards to my giant history of the war on sailing.

Do tune in! & do help give monetary support to Self Help Radio!

No Letter Today

Kurt Vonnegut has died.

I am sad & have nothing to say.

Whither The Black Cassette?

If you haven't guessed - & assuming you care - I haven't been doing very well during the current KOOP Membership Drive. I get lots of calls during my show, & hardly any of them are people telling me to fuck off & die, so I can only guess why this radio show I work so hard for is incapable of raising any money for the radio station I love.

Maybe these are some reasons:

1) Everyone's just being nice. I suck.
2) People who might listen to my show like other KOOP shows better & give their money to that show.
3) My Membership Drive shows haven't been very good.

I am a sensitive soul & it has broken my already flimsy heart to not do very well, & I do expect there will come a time when there's no more Self Help Radio on KOOP. But while there is, I might as well continue to do this blog.

If it's any consolation - even if everyone who read this blog gave money to Self Help Radio, I'd still not be doing very well. I see the stats. Do you know how many people looked at this blog since last Wednesday? 28 hits. & some of you come more than once.

What's that? You didn't know you were invited to a Pity Party? Indeed! You are the Pity Party Pooper!

As I finish my fourth decade on this planet, I am strangely out of step - I find it hard to believe I was in college twenty years ago, & that there are some albums that I've known for longer than I've known most of the people I know. So - as a kind of therapy for me - for this last Membership Drive show, I thought I'd revisit that time period. I was a very depressed & lonely boy & the music I loved reflected that. The band My Favorite have a song called "The Black Cassette" (if you haven't heard it, the lyrics are here) which describes what could have been for me the summer of 1987. Or 1988. Or even 1998 if you want to make a big to-do of it, except I was on the road to figuring some shit out by then.

The show this week will be my reconstruction of what my black cassette might have been in those days. It may be a little too dark for an afternoon show - I'll be playing Joy Division, for fuck's sake! - but let's face it, I'm not going to make any more money for KOOP than I already have. So instead I'll just play music that's been in my head & heart for nearly twenty years now.

Afterwards, of course, we'll be jamming the Suicide Hotline. Call them early.

Preface to The Black Cassette: An Elegy For Dead Media

I missed a bus yesterday & had to take one of the University's evening "combo" busses (cheaper than their "super-size" busses - no one can finish those trips!) & it went through a neighborhood I lived in five or six years ago & am never really around anymore. It's also been a glorious spring in Austin, so everything is lime green & glowing, even though the degrees the past few days have been closer to January temperatures than April ones (it's fine, though - it's over 80 degree today). Anyway, I did that thing that everyone does, clucking to myself how much has changed, oh, I remember who used to live there, etc., etc. It made me a little melancholy & I thought to myself, "If only I had never moved from here, I wouldn't be surprised by how much has changed."

Isn't that a weird thought? I really wouldn't want to live over there anymore - I like my house, I like my neighborhood - so what was I thinking? I was just missing stuff. Scientists have proven that, the longer you live, the more time you have spent, the more stuff you'll miss. Even with heavy drinking & possible brain damage from a lifetime of stumbles & head injuries, you can still have a sense of a place which, when disturbed, causes the feeling called "missing." I miss a lot of stuff. I've forgotten most of what I miss, but I miss it the same.

Tomorrow I'll talk about the last of my poorly-received Membership Drive shows, which is based on a song by the now-defunct band called My Favorite called "The Black Cassette," but today I just want to remember how amazing cassettes were for what seemed like the longest time of my life.

Nowadays, of course, we know the CD is over & we wait for the computer chips they'll plant in our head into which we can download songs. But I remember stealing my mother's cassettes - cassettes on which her parents in Germany had recorded their lives for her, cassettes she might have wanted to listen to when they died years later - to record nonsense on because, being 8 years old, I couldn't afford the 99 cents that a bag of three cheap cassettes cost. (Here's a fun correlation: a bag of cheap cassettes then, a spindle of cheap blank CDs today.)

I remember learning about cassette snobbery: when I asked a friend of mine to record something for me, he refused the cheap three-for-99¢ cassette I gave him, & used something he called "high bias" or something. Maybe I even learned that Dolby was not the name of that "Blinded Me With Science" dude. Whatever. It played just fine for me.

When I was was at KVRX, in the dwindling days before CD burning became a reality, I taped stuff from CDs that I reviewed. Short of buying the CDs (or stealing them, which I didn't do) taping was the only way to have them. Then - I think it must've been ten or so years ago - suddenly my department at work got a CD burner. I burned a shitload of stuff from KVRX in my last months there - I wonder what might have happened if technology were just a little bit faster...

Do I miss cassettes? They hissed. They got chewed up. They came (like CDs!) in plastic containers that cracked when dropped. I know I do miss making mix cassettes for girls. I do miss the care required in filling up two sides of 45 minutes each. An 80 minute CD seems charmless by comparison.

I have a feeling we'll be saying the same thing about [insert current technology here] in a couple of years. & I'll miss it. & hey! I might even make a radio show about it. What fun!

A Thursday Letter Makes Everything Better

I got this from a friend of mine who thought she was writing me a personal email:

Gary,
I know you'd rather spend your time worry about the Membership Drive and how badly you'll do boo hoo hoo, but I was thinking you might be able to help me with this:
I was thinking about the idiom, "Smart as a box of rocks," and wondering if there are others out there that convey the same meaning/feeling. I found a page of idioms, and there are some good ones, but I thought you'd just be able to make some better ones off the top of your head. Or maybe you could put it on your web page and everybody could come up with one!

Good idea, "friend" who doesn't care if my show disappears when no one supports it. Do you know how many people actually read this blog? Counting my mom? Counting my brothers, two of whom don't know how to read? Not a lot, but if even they gave a little bit of money to KOOP during my show, I might not get demoted & be forced to do three minutes at the end of day Sundays. So laugh, laugh, laugh about my sensitivity. I stole money from your house the last time I was there. Ha!

Er. Well, it doesn't matter, she doesn't read this blog anyway.

"Smart as a box of rocks," eh? That's pretty dumb. Unless one considers that the consciousness of rocks may be on an epic time scale & they take eons to deliberate. That makes our smarts hasty & ill-thought-out. Ever thought of that?

I like the idea of making up idioms ourselves, but I won't be a party to your condescension. I'll rather share some completely new Idioms For All Occasions, & you yourself can decide what they mean. But I'll expect to hear people use them on a regular basis or I'll pout.

1) She's the cheese in her own soup.
2) As scary as the war on sailing.
3) If you've got a pocket full of nickels, it must be spring!
4) Between the devil & the wombat, opt for the devil.
5) Turn when the road turns; only follow the sidewalk so far.
6) Don't let green leaves or cold pipes slow you down.
7) Act as though each day could possibly be repossessed.
8) To the many, mugs; to the few, tumblers.
9) Don't brush your armhair gently over him.
10) The laughter of arhythmia.

Feel free to add your own! It's our language to change as we want.

& do think about becoming a member on my show tomorrow... Details linked above... Call from foreign lands or call from inside my house after you're broken in... Just please help my show before I run out of ellipses...

Whither The White Album Covered?

I can't remember which cool East Coast band of the Throwing Muses - Pixies - Breeders - Belly axis covered a Beatles song first - it might have been Throwing Muses covering "Cry Baby Cry" or it might have been the Pixies covering "Wild Honey Pie" for a Peel Session - but basically every one of those bands (except Belly, now that I think about it) (but including members of the bands solo) covered a Beatles song. & every one of those covers came from The White Album.

Why do people like hip post-punker Americans think the White Album is so cool? Why do I think it's so cool?

I've been listening - seriously listening, not just familiar with them because they never go away - to the Beatles since I was in sixth grade. I saw that so-awful-it's-brilliant movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band as a very little kid, & I was enchanted. Dopey as I was, I knew the title song was a Beatles song, but I was certain the rest of the soundtrack was new. That must've irked one of my older brothers - or, more probably, I asked for it - because for Christmas that year, I got the Beatles album. I never looked back - I knew right away the movie was garbage & the candy-colored record was the real thing. I was probably ten or eleven at the time.

(My older brothers & sisters, alas, were never again able to advise me about music. They listened to the radio, &, when the radio made a right turn, they stayed with what was "classic." My brothers were never able to advise me which Elvis Costello album I should start with, & boy did I get a blank stare when I asked about the Velvet Underground. Probably still would!)

(Maybe that's not entirely fair - my sister Karin did let me borrow a Ramones greatest hits record when I was in high school. But that's probably it.)

Anyway, I devoured the red & blue greatest hits comps (the only Beatles stuff I had besides Sgt Pepper) & though I didn't have the money to buy the records (I was young & had no income, & the records never showed up in bargain bins, & when I saved up & bought "Meet The Beatles," I remember how ripped off I felt because it was barely thirty minutes long), I did tape a show called "Ringo's Yellow Submarine" which was on at the time (it was in fact hosted by Ringo & he played Beatles songs from all over) & one radio station in Dallas used to play entire records at 10pm every weeknight. One night, they were playing the White Album.

I had a crappy unit that wasn't quite a boombox, but it did have a cassette deck & a radio. The antenna had been destroyed long, long ago, so to get any reception at all, I had to put a finger on the little wedge of metal (which was kinda sharp - one false move & it meant a tetanus shot) where the antenna was bent off. The cassette of that broadcast had various moments (one in particular I always expect to hear at the end of "I'm So Tired" as it fades into "Blackbird") when I had to raise my hand for some reason, so the signal faded to static. That was my copy of The White Album for many years - until I bought a copy on white vinyl at a record store years later, when I was in high school.

The next day at school, & this was middle school, I talked to my few friends about it. In particular, I was blown away by "Revolution 9." I had listened to it three times that night. My friend Russell, who, unlike me, had an older brother with good taste in music, & who had listened to the record many more times than I had, dismissed that track as a waste of time, so we talked about the rest of the record. I don't remember being offended, mainly because I was so enchanted. Every new Beatles song was magical to me, & I consumed it uncritically.

Later on, of course, when making mix tapes of Beatles songs for playing in my car or whatever, I would notice certain things - particularly that I almost never put a song on a tape that Paul McCartney sang - but that period of attacking my idols would come later, when I just got exhausted that people listened to this one band & nothing else. As if music started & stopped with them. That is an attitude I find exceedingly dull.

When listening to the White Album a few months ago, & thinking about this show, I made it a point to listen to the whole thing (& expecting to hear static at the appropriate times from the old tape - when will I forget that?) & to think about why I liked it so much. I think it's because it's the one Beatles record that seems like solo records from each of the Beatles, but with all the other Beatles playing on them. John Lennon's stuff is of course astonishing. George Harrison manages to be interesting, promising something he would never deliver ("Long Long Long" may be the greatest song he ever wrote), Ringo's song is a throwaway, like his solo career, & Paul McCartney manages feeble homage, treacle, tedium & schmaltz. (& yes, I think "Helter Skelter" is overrated. If I must listen to it, I listen to hear Ringo get blisters on his fingers.) The record, in a remarkable way, predicts the careers of the Beatles a couple of years before the split - although, it's fair to note, they were really already beginning to split.

I think that's why it's so cool. & by the way, the songs covered by the people above - with the exception of "Wild Honey Pie," they're all exclusively Lennon songs.

This Friday I will have the entire White Album covered in my grubby hands - yes, I even found a cover of "Revolution 9" - but I probably won't get to play it all. What I will play, though - well, you'll have to listen in, won't you?

Preface To The White Album Covered: Whatever Happened To Those "Beatles" Anyway?

Need I remind you it's Membership Drive time at KOOP? You may not have wanted to give to Self Help Radio last week (I did poorly) but you do want to keep a station like KOOP on the air. Give early, give often.

This week I will pay tribute to a band known as "The Beatles" - in particular a record of theirs called "The Beatles." Since that record was issued with a kind of solid beige cover, the band wanted it to be known as "The Beige Album." Alas, it did not sell very well, & many copies were placed in the windows of record stores all over the world to keep the sun out. This tended to bleach the record's cover, & now it's known as "The White Album."

"The Beatles" were rumored to be from England. The band had four members, not including the father of one of the band members, George Sr., who did the production & was also rumored have killed the band's manager. As well, the band had its own swami, an Anglican bishop, a circus seal, a Japanese artist, their very own drugstore, & Bob Dylan on their speed dial. The four members wrote songs individually, but two of the members, one out of jealousy & the other just to be funny, signed their names to the each other's songs. The record had over nine hundred songs on it, but because of a miscalculation with the record company, only around 25 actually made it on to the disc.

As of 2007, no one knows what happened to this mysterious group, although there are rumors that one of them, the lead guitarist, became a famous porn star & died in the first Gulf War. Another rumor insists that "Beatle" who seemed the smartest was killed & eaten by the FBI, since J Edgar Hoover believed, like some cannibals, that if you eat a person you absorb their knowledge, & he always wanted to write a song. Some people even think that at least two of the "Beatles" are still alive, though there's no evidence for this. Seriously.

However, in certain hip circles, "The White Album" became a cult classic, & Self Help Radio this week will show how influential it has been by playing several of the songs covered. It's a great time to become a member of KOOP because the show itself will be great. Who knows? Maybe more people will want to hear more of these "Beatles"?

Tomorrow: but why do it? Is someone making me?

A Friday Plea

This Friday post is deadly serious. KOOP's Spring 2007 Membership Drive starts today & it's your chance to not only support Austin's best radio station, but also to become part of an exciting experiment in locally-controlled media. It's a win-win for all of us!

What? You think radio doesn't matter? Well, consider this story:

It's 1861, & in Charleston, South Carolina, there are only four radio stations. Three of them are owned by Plantation Media, the same group that owns all the radio in the South & a lot in the North. (After the Civil War, they became Clear Channel.) However, a plucky band of communists, anarchists, freed slaves & other "uppity" folk (as the late Molly Ivins would call them) run a community radio station which plays more than the faux English music & the annoying anti-Abolitionist screeds that the Plantation Media (a subsidiary of Fox) plays non-stop. In fact, it was this small station, called Radio Longfellow, that the first blues were ever played on the radio. Recordings of Thomas Paine & Thomas Jefferson were played often. The now-infamous "Russion Explosion Hour" featured live remotes with Tolstoy & Bakunin - all on a very limited budget. The owners of this station were harassed & persecuted by the elite slaveowners of South Carolina - but enough of the citizenry supported them that they stayed on the air. What a glorious time it was for radio!

Alas, when the Confederates started firing on Fort Sumter, a renegade Confederate officer named Clement Thurmond (a great great grand-uncle of Strom Thurmond) turned his cannon around & fired straight into the studios of Radio Longfellow, putting them off the air permanently. Why would he do such a thing? Because the station violently opposed secession, & they were starting to turn the people of Charleston around. Yes, some among the new Confederate ranks felt that a radio station was more of a threat than a garrison of Union soldiers.

Imagine! Those pesky volunteers could have stopped the Civil War! & nearly a century & a half later, radio is more vital than ever. That's why you want to support it, baby.

What? There were no radio stations in 1861? Whatever. The point is the same. Could radio have stopped the United States Civil War? Discuss among yourselves.

Alas! There will be no "Song Of The Day" today. I must rush to the station to help with the Membership Drive. Please please please tune in & please please please give to KOOP radio. You know in your hearts why it's important.

Your Letters Are Troublemakers! (But I Answer Them Anyway)

I answer letters every Thursday on this blog. There is no topic which I won't write about. So write me an email!

Here's a mostly made-up letter from a strictly speaking imaginary person we'll call "Rose."

He writes:

So, seriously Gary, what's so important about the Membership Drive?

I am glad you asked, man named Rose. (What?) You hear a lot of "pledge drives" & "membership drives" & fundraising efforts & it seems like everyone has them, but they don't. The crappy ass commercial radio stations you're always switching away from when they play crappy ass ads don't have to have fund-raising events because those crappy ass ads you're always avoiding - you know, when you switch over to KOOP - they pay for the station.

Why doesn't KOOP have ads? Or, maybe, you ask, doesn't KOOP have ads? We have something like them called underwriting announcements, but there are strict rules on what those spots can say. & - be honest - they're not nearly as annoying as commercial radio ads. & maybe because of those rules, KOOP doesn't make a lot of money from underwriting - we make our money to survive during these membership drives.

So. Here's the answer: we need the drive to survive. That's what's so important.

If you can give, please give. I'll have special premiums & I'll put on astonishingly good shows. You must therefore give. What would a world without Self Help Radio be like? Would you want to live in that world? Think about how fucked-up the world is outside of Austin - they can't hear Self Help Radio on the radio there. That's the problem with the world! So don't turn Austin into the rest of the world. Support KOOP & support Self Help Radio.

Speaking of, my show from last Friday is available for download in a podcast-sized mp3 ball. Click here - it's at the top of this page. Goes well with copious amounts of alcohol.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is a shabby psychedelic nugget by Houston's own the Red Krayola from their first record The Parable Of Arable Land. Click this name: Hurricane Fighter Plane for enlightenment. I will keep it available for two weeks. Then it's bye bye.

Tomorrow: the Membership Drive starts, I salute the Godfather Of Soul. You give lots of money to a worthy cause. Gird your loins. It's coming!

Whither James Brown - Sampled?

I was talking yesterday about how I keep my teeth clean with two parts shoe polish & one part vodka - but I wasn't talking about it here so I hope you're not confused. I carry on conversations in more than one dimension THANK YOU VERY MUCH & if you can't keep up, I will walk a little more slowly.

When James Brown died, nearly everyone on KOOP, recognizing the importance of this great artist in all our lives (let's be honest - they wouldn't be nearly as funky without him), paid some tribute or other. When I returned from Europe, I played him on my show that week - but only one track. I wanted to do something special.

During a Spirit Walk with my guru, Herb, I realized that, although I could breathe James Brown like air for days on end, it might be fun to see what really creative types (unlike my poor self) did with James Brown. I thought first of covers. Then I came out from under the covers. I was covered in shame. My guru, Herb, was covered in ghee. Don't ask. We communicated psychically - or maybe we were muttering under our breath - anyway, we decided that "covers" wasn't good enough.

Herb mentioned that James Brown was the most sampled artist in the world. I was a little embarrassed about this until Herb explained it was his music that was sampled, not him personally. He totally thinks I'm a prude. He says I'm the only spirit that turns up to a Spirit Walk completely clothed. He says, in fact, that I should perhaps LOOSEN THE FUCK UP.

I discovered that not only hip-hop artists have sampled the Godfather. & you can listen to my favorites of those intrepid folk Friday on my show!

Plus - it's a Membership Drive show, so please, wake the neighbors, call in favors, burden your family & steal from your work, but try to help KOOP out with a little cash. We do such good work for you & for the community, but we need to pay the bills. Besides - where else in this town would you find a Self Help Radio?

My "Song Of The Day" is a pretty song I played on my South By Some Some show, but you can listen to it here in better quality mp3 ism. It's from My Latest Novel from Scotland, from their debut record Wolves. It's called Sister Sneaker Sister Soul. Click to enjoy. Enjoy it until April 11. Then it goes away.

Preface To My James Brown Tribute: Will I Get Arrested For Sampling Samples?

James Brown actually came to Austin last summer. Did I see him? No, I didn't. Wanna know why? Because I'm a moron & there's a spiteful part of me that says "Since you couldn't see him at the Apollo in the 60s, when he was arguably at his best, you shouldn't see him now." Why do I do that? I don't know. But I do now regret it.

When James Brown died on Christmas Day last year, I was about to get on a plane to go to Europe. Someone else died around the same time - maybe an old president or something, whatever, nothing big - it occured to me that, even if some corrupt old lawmaker or other passed laws that somehow affected me in regards to the environment, taxes, education, etc., what I am most concerned with is the inner life I lead - the part of me that needs music in the way that politicians need power or religious folks need to believe - & in that part of me, James Brown's legacy, from the music he made to the music made with the music he made to the music he influenced - he touched me life in the way nearly no one else could have.

With typical speed, I am now getting to the tribute. Why the way I am doing it? Er, I'll talk about tomorrow. I am busy listening to hip hop songs trying to guess if that's a JB sample or not. Hmmmm.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is an outsider music track by the amazing Shooby Taylor - The Human Horn from Irwin Chusid's wonderful compilation Songs In The Key Of Z. The song is Stout-Hearted Men & even though it'll be gone in two weeks, you can find more of them on the page I link to up there.

Tomorrow: I'll try to be funny. But I miss James Brown.

If It Was Michigan Friday, It's A Monday Wrap

Thank you so much for tuning in last Friday as I broadcast Self Help Radio from a flaming asteroid hurtling toward Michigan. I'm so sorry we accidentally hit Ontario. That's my bad. I was totally listening to Bush administration scientists. I won't do that again!

We did have some haiku winners, though, & they won with these winning haikus:

FOURTH PLACE: Scott
Car stalled in Detroit
Arrested in Grand Rapids
We cannot escape

THIRD PLACE: Michelle
Take me to that state
That’s stuck between three Great Lakes
Rad peninsula!

SECOND PLACE: Chris
Lonely Michigan
Losing its songs & its jobs
Sleep in a snowbank

FIRST PLACE: Barbara
I need something new
Winter's lasted way too long
Sing your sweet spring song

& the mystery limerick writer wrote this:

My wife, she divorced me in Michigan
I lived all alone & got rich again
     We went for dinner & dancing
     The week I visited Lansing
& now she wants us to get hitched again!

This week is the start of the Spring 2007 Membership Drive so we may not have time for haiku. But maybe if you write a good one, we'll make the time. This week's show is a tribute to James Brown featuring my favorite hip-hop songs that sample him. It'll be very worth giving your money to you bet.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is by a sweet little English band called Magoo from their first record, The Soateramic Sounds Of Magoo. The song is called A To Z & Back Again, & click it to listen to it from a to z. It'll zoom away on April 9, 2007.

Tomorrow: the day I met James Brown & sampled him, & other crazy lies.

A Friday Caper

Friends, in less than two hours there will be a show on the radio so magnificient, so incredible, so embarrassingly good that you'll believe that radio is a transformative medium. You'll believe radio can change lives, as your life will be changed. You will never be able to think or feel in the same way again.

Unfortunately, I don't know which station that show's on. I'll place good odds it's not on in Austin - I mean, have you heard the radio in this town? Embarassing, that's what it is. Anyway, if you can find it, give me a call. But if you can't, & you've got nothing better to do, tune in to Self Help Radio today at 4:30pm either on your FM dial at 91.7 fm or on your computer dial (what?) over at koop.org. The show today's all about Michigan. It'll be for more than just Yoopers & Trolls.

Tune in! I'll be making tea!

Here's a funny "Song Of The Day" by the Smothers Brothers, from their record Think Ethic. It's called I Never Will Marry - click on it to listen. It's here till April 5, 2007.

Do tune in today!

Your Letters Are Stinky! (But I Answer Them Anyway)

LB asks me:

Gary, How was SXSW? Did you see good bands?

Thank you for asking, LB. & no, I still don't want to be your myspace friend. Your page is creepy.

I went to the KOOP Indiepop Hootenanny so I could see Tullycraft for free, then I went to see Mark Burgess since he's a fucking legend, but other than that, nah, I didn't do much. I did hang out some at KOOP, where we were playing lots of live bands in the studio, but didn't help or anything. That's all. Mainly my girlfriend & I planned to completely redecorate our backyard. Buffalo grass, anyone?

Oh god! What a boring blog post this is! Let's start again.

During South By South Wets I hung out with [super famous dude] who scored drugs from [someone who works for the Onion], & we were totally [tripping/zoning/rolling/vomiting] until we managed to sneak backstage at [some place that it's hard to sneak into] & caught [the band you wanted to see but couldn't because douchebags from the Chronicle filled the place up] & they were [disappointing/awesome/as fucked up as I was/dead]! Then someone put [whatever I haven't yet taken] into my drink, & I found myself with [Andy Dick] in a hottub in the back of [dull Hollywood type who's moved to Austin in the past few years]'s limo doing [things I'd later regret]. How I got home I'll never know. & dude, that was just WEDNESDAY!

Thursday, Friday & Saturday I spent in intensive care.

Write me an email! I'll answer it here!

Here's a sad little "Song Of The Day" by so-called "anti-folk" musician Jeffrey Lewis from his first record, The Last Time I Did Acid I Went Insane & Other Favorites. It's a sad little ditty about Leonard Cohen, meeting people on the street & trying desperately to stay upbeat in spite of everything. It's called The Chelsea Hotel Oral Sex Song & you can click to hear it. I'll leave it here for two weeks - until April 5 - & then it'll go away.

Tomorrow at 4:30 pm Austin time - yowsa! A show about Michigan!

Whither Michigan?

I mentioned before I've never been to Michigan. I'll mention it again. I'll mention again that I've never been to Michigan. There. I mentioned it again. I'll mention it unknowingly at some point during the next few minutes as well. There's hardly any self-consciousness between me & my travels. Either I've been some place or I haven't. I've never been to the moon, for example, but also I've never been an astronaut. Nor is my name "Buzz." It's Gary. In case you haven't noticed.

Sometime last February, in-between Bush Administration Fuck-Ups, I was sitting at the bus stop, minding my own business, wondering, as I sometimes do, how I got there (it was four in the morning) & who had signed my nipples. Since it was dark, & I was looking down at my nipples, I couldn't read the text (it was upside down), but later I discovered that a professional Ray Davies impersonator signed my nipples at a karaoke bar when I was pretending to be a police detective & would simply walk up to people with a megaphone, flash what looked like a badge but what was really my iPod, & scream "AMBER ALERT!" Strangely enough, the Ray Davies impersonator decided to sign my nipples "Paul Harvey." It was a good night, & I thank whoever it was who told me that cough syrup & permanent markers were a foot in the door of madness. I lost my shoe in that door that night.

Anyway, while I was sitting at the bus stop, trying to read my nipples, I became aware of a man sleeping on the ground behind the bench. He was muttering something to himself in his sleep. Naturally, him being asleep, I didn't expect him to be saying anything that would make sense, & I was right. He would shudder occasionally & his words were at turns inaudible & almost yelled out. I remember a few snatches of his dream babble:

He's got me!... I never loved Annie... What's love got to do, got to do with it?... Five'll get you ten he won't be able to find his underwear tomorrow... Buy refuse, sell trash... What's love but a second-hand emotion?... Indeed, this particular theorum stumped even the Pythogorians!... There's no way to find suspicious files in your mailboxes... Seriously - who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?... Annie! Annie!

I listened to his soliloquy for some time until I realized that the bus doesn't come at 4am. Also, my nipples (I discovered) are allergic to magic markers, so I began to experience some uncomfortable burning sensations in my man-breasts. So I began to raise myself & find my way home, when the sleeping man grabbed my leg. I couldn't make out his face, but he was bellowing at me something I couldn't understand. So I said, "Let me go!" He didn't let me go. I screamed, "I'll call the cops!' Nothing. I tried to get free while pleading to the night, "Please dear lord don't let me die at the hands of a man who dreams in Tina Turner songs!" He seemed to clutch me tighter. A cloud went behind the moon. A streetlight went out & a car down the street burst into flames (although it could have been a lingering cough syrup hallucination). I fell to the ground, skinning my knees & my palms, & I said, "No, no, no! I've never even been to Michigan!"

I didn't know that "Michigan" was the safe word of Annie, the strange old man's S&M partner. He let me go & offered to buy me breakfast. We ate that morning by the dumpsters outside IHOP & became fast friends. I dedicate this week's show - & the inspiration for it - to him.

By the way, that man was none other than GERALD MCRANEY. As if you didn't know.

Quick! A "Song Of The Day"! By Rodd Keith! From the collection Ecstasy To Frenzy! The song my girlfriend wants to dance to at our wedding: Little Rug Bug! Click to listen! Listen until April 4, 2007! Find out more about Song-Poems!

Preface To Michigan: What's So Great About Your Lakes?

I've never been to Michigan. Never even drove through. The closest I've been is Chicago. So why do a show about Michigan? Oh, wait. I'll answer that tomorrow.

Here's some fun facts about Michigan:

* It's the one state in the United States that didn't finish high school, but skipped a grade in elementary school.
* Michigan's name comes from a foreign word meaning something appropriate to the state.
* 1 in 4 people in Michigan have appeared (whether they like it or not) in a Michael Moore film.
* Super stuntman Elvis Knelvis once tried to jump Michigan in a motor boat. He sped west from Lake Huron into Saginaw Bay & tore up a three-mile-long ramp southwesterly, hoping to land in Lake Michigan outside Holland. Instead, his boat capsized & he was eaten by an electric eel.
* The Michigan-Ohio border is heavily fortified, but no one really knows why. Some blame it on Motown.
* No American president has ever come from Michigan. Gerald Ford claimed to be from Michigan, but, as his untimely death revealed earlier this year, he was an imaginary president.
* People from Michigan are called Michiganians, Michiganders, Michigeese, Michiganites, Michigolliwogs, or Jeff.
* Porcupine Mountains State Park is a totally cool place to hook up with your squeeze & to score some killer local weed. Go to the Park Ranger Station & ask for Canada Joe. If possible, bring a trinket. He collects commemorative spoons. He'll totally set you up.
* Michigan has more lighthouses that any other state, except perhaps Utah. Just think about it, it makes sense.
* There is a place called Podunk, Michigan. My brother said I was making it up but I wasn't. I also wasn't making up Timbuktu so stop being a baby & come look at this map. Mom!

Did you want to hear a "Song Of The Day"? Here's one that has almost nothing to do with Michigan, except that it's about a popular pasttime in Dearborn. It's from a compilation called Dirtnap Across The Northwest, which is a rock/indie rock/punk/garage kind of comp. "Dirtnap" is an anagram of "Dr. Paint." I just noticed that. Anyway, the song is by the Exploding Hearts & it's called Sniffin' Glue. Click to sniff. Do it before April 3, 2007. Then it goes away.

Tomorrow: why sniffing glue is an epidemic in Michigan, & how that led an intrepid deejay to focus on it on a special Self Help Radio profile!

Two Times The Monday Wrap-Ups At Four Times The Price

Well, another "Sowf By Sowf Vest" has gone by & what have we learned? That's a rhetorical question. I spent most of the weekend doing yard work.

Since I missed two weeks of wrap-ups, let's go ahead & share two whole weeks of haikus & limericks.

First: my "SXSW" show. Haiku winners, from fourth to first place:

FOURTH PLACE: Joe
Here is the lost man
He can’t find the Austin bar
He’s playing tonight

THIRD PLACE: Gail
You feel unwanted?
Remember: you did not get
An invitation.

SECOND PLACE: Dave
Watch the grand monkey
He’s overstimulated
There’s too much to do!

FIRST PLACE: Stacy
A heart left behind
No lights capture drunken sleep
Bed of my own filth

& a limerick:

It’s said that the best of the best
Come here during South By Southwest
    But once you’ve attended
    & cash you have spended
You’ll see they’re as bad as the rest.

Yippee!

Last week was a tribute to Molly Ivins. Here are the winning haikus:

FOURTH PLACE: Susan
Never met, now gone
Strange an emptiness appears
Missing someone's words

THIRD PLACE: John
Rules are gonna change
If there's no beer in heaven
She'll brew the first batch

SECOND PLACE: Marcos
Like the best ideas
Both familiar & new, she
Made me laugh & think

FIRST PLACE: Rachel
Molly Molly I
Made me laugh & made me cry
Good Molly goodbye

What? Another limerick? Sure:

If life's all about survivin'
Cheatin', backstabbin', connivin',
    How sad that our poor sphere
    Has less to fight with here
Losing dear old Molly Ivins.

& lo & behold: the "Song Of The Day" returns. I was feeling electronical today & was listening to The Black Dog - specifically the record Silenced. I thought you might like to hear some too. This is the first track, called Trojan Horus (Part 1) & you can click on it to hear it. It'll be up for two weeks, until April 2 2007.

This week: I learned how to speak Michiganese to explain to you why my show this week is about Michigan!

What The Hell Happened To The Self Help Radio Blog?

Oh, I'm sorry. I got sick. This week is "South By West South" in Austin & I usually take the week off (but not because I got sick) (that happened this time) (I hope it doesn't become a yearly thing). It's been raining a lot, as well. Not that that keeps me from blogging, since I rarely blog outdoors, but it seemed something I could add for people who like local color.

This blog thing will resume its normal course next Monday. Until then, here are three important things to know:

1) If you want to hear my radio show from last week, where I played songs by bands I like who coincidentally happen to be coming to town for the "music festival" which happens around this time every year in Austin (although, contrary to popular belief, it did not happen in the years 1862-1865, because of the Civil War), you can do that now over at the Self Help Radio home page. Think of it as a way to listen to my radio show even when it's not Friday.

2) Speaking of Friday, this Friday I am paying tribute to a great Texan named Molly Ivins. I never met her, although she spent a lot of time in Austin, but I've been reading her since I was aware there was a funny, brash, smart, dissenting voice out there that didn't sound like anyone else. My show will still be mostly music, but if you're lucky, I may cry.

3) There'll be no "Songs Of The Days" this week. Sorry. Find other blogs that do that. There are lots.

Have fun this week, whether you're in Austin or not. I'll be back next Monday.

A Friday Gambol

Did you know that there's a radio show show on in Austin on Fridays called (believe it or not) Self Help Radio & it's hosted by a man who's not only not a zombie nor a robot, but who also is the main chronicler of the war on sailing? It's true. It's on Fridays at 4:30pm. You can listen online if you are not from these parts (remember, you may have to translate from Texas time) live at koop.org. You are welcome to come. But the fruit cups are for the celebrity guests.

Today's show will be some sounds from bands that are coming to Austin next week for a little-known musical festival called "Over By Over-Rated." If you happen to be coming to town, please come visit KOOP. If you happen to be coming to town & you're going to visit KOOP, & it's a Friday afternoon, come visit me. I'll put you on the air & we'll cry about our lost youth.

Before I disappear for the week, here's a "Song Of The Day". It sounds a lot like the sort of music you'd hear on a show I really like on KOOP called Cinemaphonics. It's by the Herbaliser from their record called Take London. (Take it where?) It's called Song For Mary & once you click on it, you can add, "& it goes like this..." It will stay there till oh let's say March 23, 2007.

I'll be seeing you on the radio today! I mean. What?

Jesus Answered Letters On Thursdays

It's true, look at II Carpathians 3:14 to 5:13 (inclusive).

Today's letter doesn't really make a lot of sense unless you're really drunk on cough syrup & then try to revive yourself by doing twelve espresso shots in a row. So do that, then read this:

GARY!
yoou wanted me to write ---- i saw ON your blog --! tell me all about yourself --!-- i dont live in AUSTIN so your station is a ??mystery??-!--- do you PLAY music or is your shoow FOR peoople?-?---!-- is THIS the sort of questioon you like US to ask you?-----becayse I can't think oof ANYTHING MORE!---
--from C in COLORADO---

The writer's name is not a single letter. I just abbreviated it because I didn't know how many people in Colorado had a name that started with the letter C. That way you can only guess who it is. You'll never be sure.

Unless you know someone who uses that many dashes in their email. That's intriguing. I must start doing that. I'll probably start doing that. I swipe weird written habits sometimes without thinking about it. Just because it looks neat. Although I'll need to study this writer's ways a little more first. I'd hate to do it wrong.

To respond to the email:

I can't tell you all about myself in this short space, but I can recommend you try to find my OTHER blog (& no, not the one on my embarrassing myspace page), which is much more confessional & contains my unfinished philosophical treatise, I'm Really Sorry, Can I Try Again?. (Now that I think about it, the title of that is ironical. Who knew?) I keep that blog a secret, primarily because of the popularity of a blog I am about to start, one that chronicles the war on sailing. That blog, for better or worse, will make me a household name.

My show is a musical show, but it's also for people. I regularly lament the fact that a lot of radio shows these days are not for people. The number of radio shows for zombies & robots has increased exponentially, & indeed, my own radio station has at least two shows for zombies. (Robots occasionally stop by, especially when they hear the word "programmer," but so far only a couple of KOOP shows have courted robot listeners. This is because robots have a lot of money. Zombies hardly ever have any money, & when they do, they eat it.)

& by the way - just because zombies used to be people doesn't mean they are now. So they can enjoy their "morning zoo crew" all they want, but no people listen to that - & if they do, it'll turn them into zombies.

Finally, those questions are the sorts of questions I like to be asked, yes. Luckily for you, I am capable of answering those sorts of questions with completely different responses every time they are asked. So please, write again. At some point, one of my answers will satisfy you.

& now, a "Song Of The Day". I was listening (as I do) to T Rex, specifically this probably redundant collection I got called T Rex Rocks! & figured I'd share. This appears to be the only "alternate version" on the collection, so maybe it's new to you. It's Rock On, & you can listen to it by clicking the song's name. You may continue rocking until March 22, when I will remove the mp3. Whether you continue to rock after that is up to you.

Tomorrow's show is all about bands I like who are coming to town for an obscure music festival we have every March. Tune in tomorrow at 4:30 pm!

Whither SXSW 2007?

Welcome to the 100th post of my Self Help Radio blog! It's such a special occasion I've made this entire entry out of cheese.

This week's show is my recommendations for bands that are playing "South By Southwest." I am playing bands I like. If you choose to go to see them, fine. Just don't mention me. Bands don't like that I like them. I'm not "cool" enough for them. My "ego" is not "strong" enough to take their "abuse." So let's let the fact that I like them & they'll be in town just be our little secret.

In fact, I won't really be involved in the music side of "South By Southwest" at all. I'll instead be involved in the custodial side. You guessed it - I was able to pay the outrageous ten dollar fee to get an official "South By Southwest" dustpan & broom. It's sad, they strap them to your wrist & you can't take them off until after the festival. I'm so excited by this - every morning around five am I get to go out & clean up after partyers & bands!

"South By Southwest Custodial" is a big step forward for me, & I like the way they sell it. Did you see the bullet points on the brochure? Here are highlights:

* Clean up after the famous & not-very-famous alike!
* Get lots of exercise in a stale-beer-smelling environment!
* Find out secrets of the famous & not-so-famous - like whether they can hold their liquor & what they had for dinner - by hosing vomit off of bar floors!
* All guitar picks, jewelry, money & drugs you find you get to keep! Teeth & limbs must be returned to their owners.

So you & I may not cross paths during the festival, but every time you spill a beer - every time you crush a cigarette under your shoe - every time you take a leak backstage - think of me.

Hey! Here's a "Song Of The Day". It's by DJ Yoda, a turntablist whose work I enjoy & from whose mix tapes I've stolen samples, from his record last year called The Amazing Adventures Of DJ Yoda, which was good but not great. Here's a track, featuring the Jungle Brothers. It's called Playin' Around & you should click on it & celebrate this blog's 100th post. It'll remain here till March 21, 2007, at which point I'll have finished this blog's 200th post. (Wait. What?)

Hooray! 100 posts! Someone get me a cheese shredder & we can eat!

Preface To SXSW2007: Where's The Line Start?

I confess that, though I have lived in Austin for seven hundred years (this September), I have only taken part in "South By South West" a couple of times. I kind of wish I had been a part of it back when it was surely more personal & fun - when a wristband went for a few bucks & when a local band really could count on it as a chance to showcase their skills. Now it feels like a Hollywood awards show - pre-scripted, down to the winners. Of which, heavy sigh, I am not one. Or else I'd doubtless feel differently.

But I play my part. I play songs from bands I like on my show. I make it to day shows (since I can't afford the pound of flesh it takes to get a wristband, &, even if I could, I never pay any attention to the deadlines for purchasing such things) if there's something I want to see, & I feel a little envious when people flaunt their gift bags, their amazing stories ("& then, from out of nowhere, BOB DYLAN stepped onstage & took a shit on the audience!") & the general starfucking that some of my friends like to engage in, for whatever reason (true admiration, ambition, a weird desire to fuck the almost famous).

My envy isn't really, "Gosh I wish I had been there to do that!" It's more, "Gosh I wish I had the energy & desire, the drive, the actual wherewithal, to go out & do shit like that." I'm not made like that - perhaps I never was. & having gone through the snail pantomime that is Customs at Gatwick, I have no desire to wait in any long lines for the time being. Also, I don't smoke anymore - what the hell do you do in a line when you can't smoke?

If you're coming to town for "South By South West," I hope you have fun. Just remember to listen to me on the radio. You don't need a wristband & I always delight. When I am not irritating. Or pouting.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is a sweet shy boy song from The Legendary Jim Ruiz Group that I found on a collection put out by Chickfactor & released a few years ago called All's Fair In Love & Chickfactor. The song is called Ariel, & you can click its name to hear the song. The mp3 will stay right here until March 20, 2007, at which point it'll disappear.

Tomorrow: my one hundredth post here. There will be blood.

This Monday Haiku Wrap Up Is Full Of Feist

I hid all last week & no one found me. That makes you "It." Ha!

Here are the winners of the hiding haiku contest - I hope their prizes find them. If you want to write a haiku to be read on the air, just be aware that the theme this week is South By Southwest. Write away! We list the winners from fourth place to first:
FOURTH PLACE: Rick

I was underground
But not hidden, just searching
Looking for my roots

THIRD PLACE: Tanya

Is it called hiding
When I spend time all alone
With guilty pleasures?

SECOND PLACE: Stewart

The sky masked with clouds
Concealing terrible night
Hiding the new moon

FIRST PLACE: Patricia

Watch love stowaway
In the great cruise of your life
Then fall overboard

Did we have a limerick? We did!

In the old Scottish River called Clyde
There beasties are said to be spied
No matter your wishes
‘Tis certain they’re vicious
Your hide it is best that ye hide.

Thanks all! You don't need to hide any more!

Two things:

1) Last Friday's show about hiding has been digitized & can be listened to if you missed. Just go to this page & consume it all up.

2) Today's "Song Of The Day" is from the Smithsonian set American Musical Theater: Shows, Songs & Stars, Vol. 2 & is a song from Lady In The Dark, from the original run & sung by the wonderful Gertrude Lawrence. It's the darkly comic song
Jenny, & clicking on it will show you that you need to learn the song's lesson about making up your mind. I'll leave it here for two weeks, until March 19, 2007.

Tomorrow: there's a music festival coming to Austin. Why do I care?

A Friday Frolic

Nothing much to note... I have to do a show today... It's about hiding...

Are you excited about South By Southwest? I'm doing a show about it next week, & looking over the bands, there aren't many bands I'm too crazy about seeing. I'm be interested in hearing what everyone wants to see. It seems to me that it's not that great a line-up this year.

I came here to contine the "Song Of The Day", where I have shared with you the first five of the my world-famous Indiepop A To Z collection. I'll continue in a couple of months when I have another Indiepop A To Z show. But today is an band called Accrington Stanley (apparently named after an English Football Club) who were featured on the third volume of the essential Sound Of Leamington Spa collections. It's called The New Me & it will turn you into a new man, especially if you're a woman. Click on the song to make it go. It'll be available till the week of March 19, 2007, when I will take it down & make it feel bad for being so downloadable.

Listen at 4:30 today! There are giveaways & stuff. I will personally hide all during the show!

A Letter. An Answer. A Thursday.

Is it really Thursday? I feel like I am deserved at least two more nights' sleep. Oh! But I get paid today. Ah yeah.

This strange email came to me earlier this week:

Hello Mr Gary
I need to know your full name for a project I am working on. Not your middle name if you don't have one but your full name. You don't say your full name on the air like other ko-op dj's do. Thank you.

A project you are working on? Is that what they call identity theft these days? (I have written this person back about this "project," but so far she has not responded. If I find out - & before it ends up on the Sci-Fi Channel - I'll be sure to let you know what it was.)

I guess the worst thing about identity theft would be if a person stealing my identity could do a better job with it than I do.

I also wonder why people call me "Mr. Gary"? I know, it beats being called "dude," but it's strange - people at the station call me that, as does one of my cats. Do I seem like a "Mr Gary"? Not a "Dr Gary"? Or a "Professor Gary"? Hmmph!

I don't suppose it's any secret - the name is all over the KOOP website, since I maintain their mailing lists & am on the Programming Committee - but my name is Gary Dickerson. I guess I don't use my full name on the air since there aren't any other Garys at KOOP. Nor shall I allow there to be.

My middle name died a miserable death just out of high school. It kind of suffocated when I forgot all about it. I've tried to add new middle names, but, alas, no name can apparently live between my first & last names. Sad.

Tune in tomorrow! A show about hiding! You can listen in seclusion! No one will ever know!

Ah, the "Song Of The Day". More Indiepop A To Z. This would be the fourth song as the list goes. It's by the Swedish folk pop band Able from their record Prestigeless Lovesounds. It's called I Was So In Love (& Now I Don't Know Why), & it's by far the poppiest thing I've heard by them. Click on the name to listen. & listen before the week of March 19, 2007 - I'll leave it up till then.

Listen tomorrow or I'll find where you hide!

Whither Hiding?

I remember the day I got a copy (which cost me three dollars in nickels & four hundred saved wrappers of beef jerky - & believe me, my entire bedroom smelled like an abattoir by the time I saved up four hundred of those plastic casings) of the Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek. My friends had been debating those rules for some time, including what true & eternal rights are granted when one is "it" as well as the boundaries of where it was proper to "hide." Though we didn't have the "internet" then, we certainly knew how to make shit up, so all summer long we argued & cajoled &, even though some of us had by that time discovered masturbation, we spent long afternoons debating the rules of what we truly thought was the ultimate in childhood games.

The Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek was first published in London in 1745 by a distant ancestor of the actor Martin Sheen. Strangely enough, the writer was also a distant ancestor of George Gobel, but there is no evidence that Martin Sheen & George Gobel are related. Suffice it to say it was very difficult being British in 1745. (1746, however, was apparently a very good year for being British.) The writer's name was Edmund "Fancy Pants" Mathersbykite. A shy & reserved son of a diseased earl, Mathersbykite was tortured by his older siblings with their capriciousness as regards childhood games. Indeed, Mathersbykite's oldest sibling, Clive, is credited with being not only the creator of dodgeball, but also the first person to be hanged for killing someone in a dodgeball game. Young Edmund grew up furious with the way his brothers & his sister seemed incapable of consistency in any single game. If Edmund had not been blessed with obsessive/compulsive disorder (in those days known as "being prissy"), he might not have been able to bring any sort of sense to childhood games.

Two earlier treatises, "The Importance Of Falling Down When You've Been Shot" & "No Take Backs," were written while he was locked in a closet during a game of hide & seek that was a pretext for cruelty. They were self-published when Edmund was seventeen, but were lost when his sister said she wanted to read every copy to tell him what she thought but instead used them for toilet paper for the family manor in Wales. Perhaps because sadism he was subjected to when the game of hide & seek was played, Edmund turned his attention to that subject. He would spend nearly the rest of his life defining the game. Which sounds impressive, except he was killed when he was twenty-two by his younger brother Canute when their kite strings got tangled & Canute angrily wrapped Edmund in the strings. A gust of wind & some nearby cliffs spelled the end for the great rules maker about whom Hoyle once said, "Edmund who?"

As a child, I found The Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek to be a strangely long book (seventeen hundred pages) & suprisingly free of pictures. It was also filled with footnotes in Greek. In addition, Mathersbykite's tendency to write in iambic pentameter was a little off-putting, especially, as my friend Gus noted, "It don't rhyme." Nonetheless, I began the read the book &, after only a few pages, realized it was utterly worthless. My friends & I, totally bummed about having to return to school after wasting a summer worrying about the rules to a dumb game, beat each other up & went swimming.

I wouldn't have as much fun again until I became an adult & became embroiled in the war on sailing. But that's another story for a different time.

I hope you understand now why the theme of Self Help Radio this week is "hiding."

The "Song Of The Day": more Indiepop A To Z. Song # 3. By the Scottish indiepop group Aberfeldy. From their debut record Young Forever. It's called Vegetarian Restaurant & it's sweet & pretty. I'll remove it on or around March 14, 2007 - but probably later, since it'll be South By Southwest at the time & I probably won't be blogging much.

Preface To Hiding: How Not To Be Seen

Dude! It's my first embedded movie!



If that doesn't work, the video is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do6hTwZ6Un8.

I can't say more than the masters.

The "Song Of The Day" continues the very first Indiepop A To Z tracks I played. Number two is/was a song by the California indiepop group Aberdeen, who found their way to the legendary Sarah Records & then reemerged later in the 21st century to make more lovely music. This is an older track taken from the Sarah compilation Battery Point & it's called Fran. Click on the name to hear the song. It'll be here till March 13, 2007.

Tomorrow: why a show about hiding? What have I got to hide?

The Monday Haiku Wrap-Up Is Full Of Rue

It's true. I have become a myspace sellout. Please stay away from the Self Help Radio Myspace Page. Although you can hear my rad new radio show intro there.

Here are the winning haikus from last week's free for all. Not a one wrote a haiku about indiepop. That saddens me. This week's theme is "hiding." Don't Hide! Write a haiku instead!

FOURTH PLACE: Anthony

It is almost spring
Like a dark room where you wait
To yell out “surprise!”

THIRD PLACE: Barbara

Gary quit smoking
Just a few days after me
We miss it the same

SECOND PLACE: Andrew

I forget to touch
& leave crumpled in trashcans
Broken sidewalk dreams

FIRST PLACE: Maria

There are nine levels
Seventeen doors on each one
& no one has keys.

& the mystery limericksmith wrote this limerick for the show:

There once was a tomcat named Spike
Who’d sing from my fence every night
My friends would often say:
“You should shoo him away”
But he only sang songs that I liked!

Since the show last week was about Indiepop A To Z, & since it was seventh in an ongoing series, & since you probably weren't here when it started, I thought the "Songs Of The Day" this week would be the first five songs from the "Indiepop A To Z" collection. The first one is from Aarktica, from the album ...Or You Could Just Go Through Your Whole Life & Be Happy Anyway. It's the haunting Aura Lee. Click on it to listen. I'll leave it there until around March 12, 2007.

Tomorrow: I may hide, but I may also have hied.

A Friday Jaunt

Hey! Today the Indiepop list continues... I believe it's Indiepop A To Z # 7. Have I been writing it all wrong this week? What a weirdo. I'll start with the Boy Least Likely To... When will it end? Tune in to find out! That's 4:30 today. Be there or send me a card explaining why you couldn't make it & a little money for the tissues I had to buy when I missed you.

Did you notice there are more shows digitized? Did you miss them when they were first on? Or do you feel that, like episodes of Lost, you can listen to them again & again & find new clues to the mystery of me? Okay, that would be freaky. Flattering, but scary. Anyway, the two shows that I digitized for you are last week's show about Gin & the first show I did when I got back from Europe that I called the Brand New Show. Go listen to them if you know what's good for you. You heard me.

For the "Song Of The Day" today, here's a deejay mix/sampling piece of the kind I love so well by Innerstance.Beatbox (I believe the period between the name is required) from his record All Little Boys Do Silly Little Dances (they do!) called What Time Is It? (click the name to hear it). & no, I don't only like it because it samples Monty Python. I'll leave it up until March 9, 2007.

Listen today! I have made enough cookies for everyone!

If There Are Letters To Be Answered, By Gum I'll Answer Them

But there aren't. Am I no longer a mystery to you? Why don't you write me some email? I will respond in public like a minor celebrity!

Even better, why don't you take this survey about programming on KOOP? Make sure you say Self Help Radio is your favorite show. But otherwise, be honest about what you think - & you could win neat stuff too!

Today's "Song Of The Day" is heavily influenced by My Bloody Valentine & the band came into existence during their heyday, but the Swirlies have charms all their own. This song is a noisy pop gem from their record Blonder Tongue Audio Baton & is the wonderful song Pancake in honor of the lunch I had today. Mmmm. It's a delicious song, but its shelflife is two weeks - it won't be here after March 8, 2007.

Back to my indiepop list... I've removed British Sea Power - too late-period indie/postpunk - but I may add the truly postpunk stylings of Brian Brian... Let me listen to that again...

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 6?

This is a true story. I went to Germany in 1992 & for some reason I only took four or five mix tapes with me. As if, somehow, five times ninety minutes would last during the plane ride. I was a dork. The batteries in my Walkman lasted longer than those tapes. Anyway, I got very familiar with them & even today, if I happen to hear a song from those tapes, I will expect to hear the next song to play - even if I am listening to the original album the song is on. Those songs remind me of getting lost in Frankfurt, trying to ask for directions, staring at buildings that seemed to me older than time.

The point of this is that, on those five tapes, several songs recurred. I had made the tapes over the course of a couple of years & I always favored particular songs. It was annoying to hear them over & over in Germany, especially since they seemed out of place on every tape.

When I got back, I was like, Fuck this. I need a random song generator to make tapes for me. Since I didn't know how to build a random song generator, I simply began to look at my albums, cassettes & CDs & put the tracks in a long computer file & then, when that was completed (it took a while), I started at the a's & began to make mix tapes. I did this for several years & still have the tapes somewhere. I think I got to the m's. Most of those tapes are really fun to listen to, but since they're on cassettes, a format that's going to die sooner than later, they'll probably never be used again. I stopped making the tapes probably just a couple years after I started - but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

So, too, the idea, when I started on Self Help Radio back when it was an hour, of occasionally dipping into the OCD side of me (with help from the bands list at twee.net) to attempt the impossible - to play as many indiepop songs from a to z as I could in my lifetime. So, according to this playlist here, I did three shows on Self Help Radio in 2003. For some reason, it didn't feel right, & when I was talking to Jennifer of Ear Candy, we sort of agreed it would fit better on Ear Candy. So, around 2004 or so, when I subbed Ear Candy, or when Jennifer didn't have anything else to do, we started. You can hear five of those shows linked on my archive page. As I said yesterday, I don't know why I never archived the first show. It may not have been recorded.

Jennifer seemed exasperated at continuing (you can hear her as we muddle through the b's) so I figured I'd let it die quietly. But then, a couple of months ago, I was like, No. It's a fun idea, it's just weird enough to work toward, & indiepop sounds really good when you play a bunch of it together. Playing indiepop, indie-influenced stuff, & the influences themselves sound cool. & I confess I like how a list can sound as good as it does.

Just please don't ask me to do the same thing with garage rock or electronica. My head would explode. But do expect me to continue with this throughout 2007. Let's see how far we go.

Over on that same archive page, you can see I've digitized a couple of shows from January. Interested in Owls? What about what I liked from 1971? Well, if you missed the shows, they are there for your consumption. Have fun!

What? You expect a "Song Of The Day"? How about this retro-sounding gem from the Radio Dept.? I like this song a little too much. It's called The Worst Taste In Music & clicking on the name will let you hear it. It's from their record of last year called Pet Grief, which should have made my best of but I must've forgotten about it. I won't forget to remove the mp3 two weeks from today, on March 7, so get it now!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 6: What Happened To The First Five?

What is this thing called "indiepop"? Is it more "indie" than "pop"? Is it something, like "God," which is defined by the likes & dislikes of the believer?

You can read this article called "Twee As Fuck" on Pitchfork if you want to read someone's definition of indiepop, as well as a lot of names dropped to give you context. Since I'm not going to try to define "indiepop" here, I also probably won't drop many names. In fact, I'll just completely cop out & repeat Justice Potter Stewart's remark about pornography but in an indiepop context: I know it when I hear it.

But I also hear a lot more than a single genre when I listen to music. I hear musical influences - like, "Say, does the Blondie song 'Denis' sound like a Buddy Holly song?" or "Doesn't that Elvis Costello song sound like a slowed-down version of the Stones' 'The Last Time'?" - & I also pay attention to the subject matter. I'm a sucker (as everyone knows) for songs about relationships starting & relationships falling apart. I like clever wordplay. I like songs that are fast & jangly. It turns out these three things describe a lot of indiepop, so I gravitated at some point toward indiepop.

Friends often tell me the one thing they don't like about indiepop is that it sounds happy while the lyrics are sad & sappy. I totally dig that. How great to dance to something that's completely broken-hearted! What, you've never danced to "Love Will Tear Us Apart"? & no, that's not indiepop. That's postpunk. Do you need a checklist?

Although, having said that, a lot of indiepop is more affected than natural, which should disqualify it I suppose - "It's not real!" - but the sound - the sound of indiepop - much like a lot of retro music or electronica - even if it doesn't have the soul or feeling behind it - the sound is enjoyable enough. Some of the singers may annoy, some my cloy, some may be talentless & have strange speech impediments, but if the sound is indiepoppy, it'll sound good.

Most of all, indiepop reminds me of being young. It reminds me of a time when I believed in love & when I could still feel in love & I could still feel heartbroken. Nowadays those feelings, if I stumble upon them, feel like echoes of sounds I haven't heard for years. Except when they're in indiepop songs. Then they make complete sense, & I feel them anew.

What I've written above is what my brain says when I ask it, "What is indiepop?" Typically, it's not a definition, it's just a shuffling of observations. That's what my brain does when you ask it that kind of question. Just never never never ask it, "What is the color green?" I've lost an entire weekend to questions like that before.

The "Song Of The Day" is not indiepop. It's New Wave, which I seem to find myself listening to at work a lot, although while I was writing this, I was listening to Starlet, which is indiepop. Never mind. This song is by the Japanese New Wave band (much beloved by Devo & David Byrne, among others) called the Plastics. It's from their self-titled record & it's the song Robot. Click on the name to hear it. The song is in no way an endorsement of robots. They want to destroy all humans, so we must guard against them. But it's okay to hear a song about them. I'll remove it on March 6, 2007, before a robot removes me.

Tomorrow: a brief history of obsessive-compulsion.

Barkeep, I'll Have A Gin & Wrap-Up

What if I never mentioned gin ever again? Wouldn't that be WEIRD? What if I couldn't mention something I did a show about, like my show had this totally great power to wipe things from the earth once my show covered them? Wouldn't that be WEIRDER? Also, it'd be handy. Certain powerful people would no longer exist. & a couple of snotty businesses, too, I'll tell you.

I confess I did the gin show sober, but the folks who won the haiku contest were completely blitzed. Utterly stinko. The haikus reeked of quinine. & you know what that means - tonic. Here are the winners, from fourth to first:

FOURTH PLACE: Sue

She drinks her gin slow
Holds the glass up to the light
It looks full of tears

THIRD PLACE: Conrad

God you stink of gin
Like you passed out in the leaves
Of the forest floor

SECOND PLACE: Lawrence

A drink, a card game,
A machine to pick cotton,
A pretty girl’s name

FIRST PLACE: Lou

Passive-aggressive
This dry, bitter alcohol
Bottle of date-rape

& was there a limerick from the Mysterious Limericker? There was! It went like so:

There once was a world-renowned sinner
Who’d share his advice with beginners:
“Don’t help out your brothers -
To do unto others,
You must be a tonic & ginner!”

Or weren't you listening? For shame!

This week, I'll be continuing a series I started with Jennifer over on Ear Candy, but which I didn't follow up on for all of 2006. It'll be the infamous attempt to play Indiepop A To Z. This week I'll talk a little of my obsessive-compulsive desire to make these kinds of lists & all that. Maybe you could go listen to episodes 2 through 5 over here. I never digitized the first one for some weird reason. I should do that. If I can find it.

But it means that there isn't a specific theme for a haiku this week, so why not just write a haiku on anything? Here's some possible subjects: the war on sailing, earwax, confidentiality agreements, how you feel at 3:23 am when you're accidentally awakened by your cat crawling between you & your girlfriend under the covers, whatever happened to softcore porn, eating & running, Roy Lichtenstein, the last telephone booth you ever saw, the difference between Kentucky Fried Chicken & KFC, mannequins, Jack Kirby's OMAC series, what happened when you were thirteen, all the violence in that Blood Meridian book & how you still dream about it, ditto in HBO's "Rome," words like cantillation & how to use them more in everyday life, Gary Larson's "The Far Side" - funny or really fucking funny?, gin (in case you just thought of something), & possibly a haiku about haiku writing.

There are some ideas. Surely you have one or two of your own.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is by the strange, brilliant Moondog, from his sometimes too gorgeous 1969 record Moondog. I had been familiar with his more jazzy stuff, so this record took me completely by surprise. This is the piece called Symphonique #3 (Ode To Venus), & you may consider it a late Valentine's Day present. Click on the name, hear the gorgeous song. Listen to it every day until March 5, 2007, when I will replace it with a glass of gin haikus.