Whither The Wondering Show?

Someone was telling me I should do a "wonderful" show since there "must be a lot of songs using the word 'wonderful' shouldn't there?" (Incidentally, I'm not sure those were the person's exact words, but it seemed to be more forceful if not more believable to put the statement in quotes.) It's true, I found approximately four million songs with the title "wonderful" alone. (The Allmusic Guide lists over eight hundred but compared with the amazing set-up we have around here, they're amateurs.) (Amateurs that make more money than we do.) (I shouldn't feel bad about that because Self Help Radio is a labor of love.) (Also a labor of self-loathing.)

I have just received a telegram from Grammar Control that says I have already used up my June allotment of parenthetical expressions. That seems unfair. I am appealing the decision & I have something interesting to add but if I put it in a sentence right next to the interesting statement it wouldn't make any sense but I have no more parentheses left. I also wish I had invested in Emoticons. But I chose not to click that box when I signed up for the blog.

Being a contrary sort - to get back to what I was saying - I decided against a "wonderful" show but was intrigued by the idea of wondering. I wondered what a show about wondering would be like - & I also figured out that if you use dashes instead of parentheses, you can still have grammatical structures that resembled parenthetical expressions but weren't - I guess Emily Dickinson used a lot of dashes - instead of parentheses - & there are some people that have called that genius - so I recall something my mother never said to me, which wasn't, "If you can't be a genius, stand close to a genius & hope for osmosis."

Grammar Central has ordered me to cease & also desist from overuse of the dashes until they can make a formal ruling. Which is a shame because they don't meet for formal rulings until the fall. I wonder if I'll get in trouble if I don't cease & desist? What if I just cease but don't desist? Or vice-versa?

Best not fuck with Grammar Central. They could recall my accent collection.

But there's nothing wrong with wondering.

Preface To The Wondering Show: It's Going To Be One Of Those Shows Isn't It

Fancy is struck. The passive voice is implemented. No one has any cause for alarm.

I know people get in trouble for things everyone else is doing - illegal downloads & marijuana smoking are two things that I just thought of - but some kids were talking the other day about both of those things, how they do it without feeling like it's wrong & how they just don't feel the law has caught up. But they could get into trouble for doing either!

Even though it hasn't gone anywhere, I do kind of miss vinyl. I was never sensitive enough (or self-important enough) to claim it sounded better than digital music. I gravitated to digital music out of convenience. But the presentation of music on vinyl is more aesthetically pleasing.

One of the more fascinating, & possibly illegal, developments is the fact that people will put songs on YouTube as a "movie." I was talking to a friend in Austin about a song that she didn't know if she'd heard & I just went to YouTube & there it was. In fact, some deejays I know play their entire shows off YouTube these days. Not me. I still use CDs.

I like playing requests but I wish people who made requests would be sensitive to songs that have bad words in them - what the FCC considers bad words - when they make their requests. I have no idea if it makes them mad if I can't play a song with "fuck" in it at eight in the morning, but I am grateful for those song lyrics web sites because I can at least scan the lyrics before I play a song I'm unfamiliar with.

Actually, I don't mind that they don't care - they're not familiar with the FCC & they probably don't even think about the songs & whether they're indecent or obscene. That's my problem. I just feel a twinge of guilt when I can't play it for its content of even the simplest of naughty words.

I have a headache. Do you?

I'm Hungover/I'm All Over The Place

Both are true. With the wife out of town & the dogs paid hush puppies as hush money, I am free to be me & me. But instead I am squandering my freedom eating too much & subbing radio shows.

TONIGHT - Friday the 3rd - I'll be subbing The Uncle Bill Show, one of WRFL's best shows, & I'm hoping not to make a mess of it. That's from 8 to 10 pm Eastern time. Listen at 88.1 fm on your radio or online at wrfl dot fm.

Monday morning is another Sugar Substitute & Self Help Radio but MONDAY NIGHT I am subbing the Old School Hip Hop show from 10 to midnight. It'll be pretty old school. That's at the same place: 88.1 fm on your radio or online at wrfl dot fm.

I need to take a nap now.

A Devil - Er, I Mean, Satan - Of A Show

It was a quiet Memorial Day show this morning, wherein I played more songs that talked about Satan than most heavy metal shows. I don't think anyone was awake to listen, though.

The devil has lots of names (& he's been called a lot of names, too) & today's show examined a few of them: Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, The Evil One, The Prince Of Darkness, Mephisto - even Gary. We also talked about backwards masking, different origin stories for Satan, & I hoped someone would send me lots of Chick Tracts. No such luck, though. It's still just me & Satan.

The demonic songs I played are below. The show is where it usually is at self help radio dot net. It's in two parts, as I've recently begun to note, with part one in this part of hell & part two in this section of the Inferno. Since there's no such as a devil, it's not at all scary. Unless you think there's such a thing as a devil. That's frightening!

As always, thanks for listening. Satan thanks you, too.

xo gary

(part one)

"Liszt: Mephisto Waltz # 1, 'Der Tanz In Der Dorfschenke'" Angéle Dubeau & La Pietà _Infernal Violins_

"Beelz" Stephen Lynch _The Craig Machine_
"Bunnyrabbits, Satan, Cheese & Milk" Stark Effect _Mic In Track_
"Bus To Beelzebub" Soul Coughing _Ruby Vroom_
"Satan" Deerhoof _Holdy Paws_
"Yom Pha Barn Norn Pahwaa (Satan's Nightmare)" Paiboon _Thai Beat A Go-Go, Vol. 1_

"Satan Is Real" Louvin Brothers _Satan Is Real_
"Satan, Your Kingdom Must Come Down" Frank Proffitt, Vilas, NC _High Atmosphere_
"Chased Old Satan Through The Door" The Woodie Brothers _Black & White Hillbilly Music_
"Get Thee Behind Me, Satan" Almanac Singers _Songs For Political Action 03: The Almanac Singers: March 1941-July 1941_

(part two)

"Train To Satanville" Gin Gillette _Desperate Rock 'n' Roll, Vol. 2_
"Party Of The First Part" Bauhaus _Swing The Heartache: The BBC Sessions_

"Led Zeppelin" Michael Mills _Hidden & Satanic Messages In Rock Music_
"Satanic Messages" Michael Ian Black _I Am A Wonderful Man_
"Dignitaries Of Hell" Coven _Witchcraft Destoys Minds & Reaps Souls_
"Prince Of Darkness" Mr. Flood's Party _Mr. Flood's Party_
"Don't Shake Me Lucifer" Roky Erickson & The Aliens _The Evil One_

"Lucifer Over Lancashire" The Fall _458489 B Sides_
"Satan Rejected My Soul" Morrissey _Maladjusted_
"Prince Of Darkness" Mekons _Heaven & Hell_

Whither A Devil By Any Other Name...?

You might notice that I don't repeat themes - except on my anniversary shows - so when something strikes my fancy, & it makes me think of a theme, but I recognize (despite my early-onset senility) that I have in fact done that theme before, one thing I can do is see if there's some kind of semantic loophole I can utilize to "revisit" the theme without actually repeating it.

One of the earliest shows I did, back in July of 2003, when Self Help Radio wasn't even a year old, was a show with the theme "The Devil You Say." It was songs about devils. Since there are so many songs simply about devils, I didn't have to add songs about the other names of The Devil - like Satan, or Lucifer, or Beelzebub, or Justin Bieber - they remained in limbo. Until this show idea came along. Therefore, I am doing what appears to be another show about the devil - only no "devil" songs on it. A loophole! Unlike the kind you wish you could find in contracts you sign with the Evil One for your soul.

By the way, when I did the "devil" show, way back when, I got a call from a listener - this was in Austin, mind - who asked me if I was doing the show because that same day an inexplicably popular morning deejay on the NPR station - whose name I shall not say because he might be conjured by the attention, & he's a great reason not to be in Austin - had done a similar show. I told the caller that, no, I didn't listen to that particular person on the radio & would prefer electro-shock therapy to having to endure his dreadful idea of a radio show, & also that I had been working on the show all week without knowing he had done a show with the same theme (though I didn't have the interns he had to find music for me).

The caller seemed alarmed. "What do you think it means," he said, "that the two of you came up with the same theme on the same day?"

I said, "It's a pretty broad theme. It's just a coincidence."

"I don't think so," the caller scoffed. "It seems kinda ominous."

In radio land, you don't want to tell a listener that they're acting dumb & superstitious - or just dumb - & you certainly don't want to engage them & ask them what sort of supernatural mechanism known only to their tiny brains might be at work in such a situation - I'm sure he wouldn't have been as freaked out if the theme coincidentally repeated by the two of us had been "cheese" - so I just said thank you for the call & hung up.

Ah, Austin.

Meanwhile, in Lexington, you can listen to lots of songs about properly-named devils tomorrow on Self Help Radio on the 88.1 frequency at 7:30 am, following a new Sugar Substitute at 6am. You can listen everywhere that Satan can (especially in Austin, where the success of that NPR deejay can only be explained by a deal with Beelzebub) online at wrfl dot fm. I'll be archiving the show later that day, but just in case Satan doesn't allow it to air - you should listen!

Preface To A Devil By Any Other Name: Childhood Fears

Did you enjoy being frightened as a child? I was torn between the joy of being terrified & the general sense of calling bullshit on a world that was extremely suspect when it came to proving its scary claims. I kind of had a proto-scientific bent when it came to things that scared me. Here are two stories about intrepid Gary as a ghost-hunter & demon-summoner.

I remember when that book "The Amityville Horror" came out. My mother was reading it - I don't know if she ever finished it - & we had a giant hard-cover copy sitting in the living room which I had checked out one afternoon. On the cover was a picture of the window from which the evil pig - or else just evil pig eyes, I don't remember - could be seen. That haunted me. The evening after I read a few pages - not very scary pages, I remember - I couldn't go to sleep until after I had gone downstairs & hidden the book in the oven. The oven, I guess I imagined, would protect me from evil spirits.

Success! I was able to fall asleep, & didn't wake up to an evil pig looking at me for purposes I left to my imagination. Great. But what about the next night?

Also, would my mother be mad at me for putting a book in an oven overnight? (I didn't turn the oven on.) (She didn't say anything to me about it.)

The next night I thought, look, if ghosts or demons are going to come get me - I think because something as flimsy as an oven - an oven for fuck's sake! - had prevented them from coming, they might not actually exist - then why not let them come? The next night I brought the book upstairs with me.

It stayed there until either my mother retrieved it or I simply forgot it was there. I guess I knew books had a certain power, but that book, I had discovered, was full of shit.

As for summoning a demon, well - even though as children we didn't have any real idea who "Bloody Mary" was, the name itself was pretty frightening. What's more, we knew that she was dead now but could be summoned. Why summoned? Why would anyone want to bring a murderess back from the dead? Who made that stupid rule? No matter, we knew there was a scary she-demon from the past who was described as "bloody" no because she was hurt but because she bloodied people up, & we knew how to call her.

Here's the way I remember the process. & here's a description of it as a "game." But it was no game to us children.

Basically, you were supposed to go into a room without light (I thought immediately of a bathroom, since ours had no windows, although it was a more confined place), twirl twelve times saying "Bloody Mary!" (I chose to say it like Igor from the Frankenstein movies) & then, if you're not too sick, leaning into the mirror & saying her name a thirteenth time. She was supposed to appear &, out of gratitude for bringing her back, attack you & claw your eyes out.

The story intrigued me but I didn't know anyone who was brave enough to do it. So, one afternoon, when no one was around (I had enough sense at the age of nine or ten to realize that some people might think what I was doing was stupid), I gave it a shot. I confess I might have messed up the process some - as I said, the bathroom was small & I bumped into a lot of things as I was twirling - not to mention that I had to feel my way back around on the thirteenth turn to find the mirror - so all of this might have been rather disappointing to Mary - but of course she didn't come. I emerged with some bruises on my shins, but my eyes intact.

I was - & frankly still am - disappointed that I didn't live in a world with devils & demons & haunted books & mirrors. What has surprised me most about the people who live on this planet who still do think they live in a world with devils & demons & etc. is how easy it is to find out you don't all by yourself.

The Politics Of Lame

Just as this not-a-single-reason-for-existence blog celebrated its 1,100th (that's one thousand, one hundredth) post, I make the decision to "take it down a notch." (I am using that phrase incorrectly, as one might expect; it really means this.) I have, for the past couple of years, if not longer, if not shorter, tried to write in this blog, even when I have nothing to say, especially when I have nothing to say, at least five times a week. That seemed somehow appropriate (in whatever logical system that thankfully only exists in my own head) when the show was on in the afternoon or evening. For some reason, since the show is on in the mornings now, it just really seems awkward to me to have two days (Friday & Tuesday) which are only vaguely attached to the show's theme, when talking about the theme is what I advertise this blog to be for. Oh I suppose I could share videos & stuff on this blog, only that's what I use my Tumblr blog for. Or I could just post interesting links, or maybe just pictures of my animals... But isn't that what Facebook is for? Don't you have enough Facebook friends already? You want me to friend you is that it? The other option is to use these pages to write about some other topic I feel strongly about, like politics, or religion, or Star Trek, or my cats. I suppose I've done that in the past. I don't really have the stomach for a lot of it. I'm not really a critic & I'm not really all that topical. What I am is kind of lame.

(You know, lame.)

(Do people who are actually lame, which is to say, "disabled so that movement, especially walking, is difficult or impossible," object to that word meaning "uncool"? Or do we even call people like that "lame" anymore?)

(Where was I?)

All that tedious rationalizing up there is just my way of saying that I've decided to write only four days a week now instead of five. Fridays through Monday. Fridays I'll try to say something interesting, & Saturdays & Sundays are me talking about or around the upcoming theme, & Monday is when I announce I've posted the show on the web site. I don't think this will discommode anyone (I learned what that word, which means "to put to inconvenience; trouble," meant back in the day when I reflected that it would be very inconvenient & troubling if one pushed you off a commode, meaning a toilet, while you were using it) but I thought a formal announcement necessary.

Also, it gave me something to talk about on a Friday.

The 1,200th post looks farther away now.

Problem-O-Matic

You gotta problem with a show about problems?

Self Help Radio has long been described as "a show with problems," & today, in its own problematic way, it took an awkward step forward(ish) & became "a show ABOUT problems." Bravely (one supposes) forgoing the human desire for solutions, it decided to simply focus on - indeed, revel in - problems of all stripes. Psychologists all over the Lexington area felt strangely uncomfortable & did not know why.

The show sits where it should sit, away from the other shows, at self help radio dot net. Though it has problems with it, it's in two parts - part one is right here & the second part (which is really the problem half) is over here. The songs played on the show are listed below. There should be no problem downloading them, but if there is, it would feel appropriate.

Here is what is in the two parts:

(part one)

"Problems" The Sex Pistols _Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols_
"Problems" The Real Kids _No Place Fast_
"Problems" Heathens _Teenage Shutdown Vol. 10: The World Ain't Round, It's Square_

"Money Is A Problem" Dean Martin _Return To Me_
"Problems" Desmond Dekker _Israelites_
"Problem Is" Dub Pistols _Six Million Ways To Leave_
"Mind Problems" Tape Beatles _The Grand Delusion_
"First World Problem" MC Frontalot _Zero Day_

"Problems" Lee Fields _Problems_
"Problems" James Brown _Make It Funky/The Big Payback: 1971-1975_
"Problems" Mahjongg _Kontpab_

(part two)

"This Problem" Dislocation Dance _Music Music Music/Slip That Disc!_
"I Know You're Having A Problem" Telephone Company _Panda Brain!_
"I Don't Want To Talk About Your Problems" Cannanes _Witchetty Pole_

"Fat Guy Problems" Louis C.K. _Shameless_
"A Christian Girl's Problems" Gleaming Spires _Walk On Well Lighted Streets_
"Boy With A Problem" Elvis Costello _Imperial Bedroom_
"The Girl With The Attitude Problem" Dead Famous People _Arriving Late In Torn & Filthy Jeans EP_
"Girl Problem" Her Space Holiday _The Young Machines_
"Problems, Issues & Concerns" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_

"I Got A Problem" Neil Young _Landing On Water_
"Language Problem" The Only Ones _Darkness & Light: The Complete BBC Recordings_
"Problem Child" The Damned _Music For Pleasure_

Whither Problems?

One of the first radio shows I ever did, back in Austin, was a show I called "the broken show," in which I played songs about things that were broken - promises, bones, etc. - & a superstitious person called me & complained that I had jinxed her day - that since she heard the show, three things of hers had broken.

The proper response to that, of course, is to ask exactly what sort of mechanism would have to be in place to make a radio show which, obviously, someone would have had to hear have the power to break things in a stranger's life. The awesome response to that is, of course, to exult in the amazing power I had to reach into listeners' lives & fuck shit up.

My life is relatively problem-free at the moment & if I were as superstitious as my mother, I might imagine doing a radio show about problems could be inviting problems into my life. However, I remember that call, way back in 2002 - & I think, "Au contraire! If my radio show truly has the power to make themes into reality, it does so for listeners, not me!"

My mother does not buy that argument, by the way. She'd rather I not talk about problems.

I trust, however, that you have no problem with this sort of thing, being an enlightened 21st century modern. Therefore I have no problem inviting you to listen to tomorrow's Self Help Radio about problems, Monday morning at 7:30 am on 88.1 WRFL in Lexington. If you're not in Lexington, that should not be a problem, you can listen online at wrfl dot fm. & if you're having difficulties listening live, you can catch it later when I archive it on the Self Help Radio website.

I'll see you in the morning!

It's Number 1100

It's that time again. The appearance of meticulous accounting. Lots of figures added up in my head. Here are the "facts":

I started this blog on 9/12/06.

I reached post # 100 on 3/7/07, 176 (or so) days later.
I reached post # 200 on 8/13/07. 158 days (I counted) after post # 100.
I reached post # 300 on 1/9/08. 149 days after post # 200. No one else will count. So I must.
I reached post # 400 on 5/26/08. A mere 138 days after # 300.
I reached the somewhat impressive post # 500th on 10/14/08. That was 141 days after # 400.

I can't really remember what I wrote yesterday (or this morning!), I'm sure it would terrify me to revisit some of those old posts.

Anyway.

I reached post # 600 on 3/25/09. That was 162 days after # 500. & frankly a bit of a let-down.
I reached post # 700 on 9/23/09. A massive 186 days after # 600.
I reached post # 800 on 2/19/10. A more reasonable 149 days after # 700.
I reached post # 900 on 7/23/10. About a year ago more or less, & 154 days after # 800.
I reached post # 1000 - you heard me, ONE THOUSAND! - on 12/14/10.

Now it's 158 days later - 5/21/11 - it would have been sooner but I did take two weeks off at the end of the year to go to Australia, you know - & I've reached number 1100. It's mainly a milestone for mostly me, but I am open to whatever idears you might have about celebrating. I get to be on the radio tonight. That's usually enough for me.

Preface To Problems: Rapture Day! Problems Solved!

How appropriate! This week's show is about problems, & guess what? According to we can know dot com, "the date of the rapture of believers will take place on May 21, 2011." I am making the universal gesture of wiping my hands clean & then showing them as such, which means (okay, it may not be universal) "problem solved."

Well, problem solved if you're a Christian as narrowly defined by these Bible believers. I thought I was obsessive about Star Trek, but man, the calculations these nimrods come up with by comparing & contrasting different Bible passages & then interpreting them just right is positively nerdy. They might as well be arguing about how the new movie totally screws up Roddenberry's well-established continuity.

I don't care enough to read on to discover how they bypass Mark 13: 31-33. You know, "Heaven & earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away. But of that day & that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Take ye heed, watch & pray: for ye know not when the time is." That'd be like worrying about those episodes of Voyager where they seem to be beaming people aboard while their shields were up. It hardly, you know, seems worth it.

What's more important is two things: one, I'll be on the radio FIVE HOURS tonight, first playing hip hop as I sub Revolution Radio at 10pm, & then three more hours freeform from midnight to 3am. Post-rapture radio, for the unsaved. That's on the 88.1 fm frequency if you're in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm. Listen if you can!

Also, the next post is post number 1100. I am write a special extra SHR blog post today to celebrate!

I don't have a lot to say today

This should do it:

Countdown To The Eleven Hundredth Post!

I am about to reach the eleven hundredth post on this Self Help Radio blog. Perhaps I should do something to celebrate. Though "1100" is not exactly the most exciting number to reach. It looks, actually, like something that could possibly be an expletive in the language of a binary-based alien. If I were an artist I would draw a couple of computer-like beings acting angry at one another & one of them flipping the other off with a keyboard which saying "1100!" Would anyone understand it? Besides not thinking it was funny, I mean?

I can't remember when I started this blog, but I suppose when the time comes I'll do another irritating calculation that only makes me happy. When I was a kid, I often got frustrated with myself for not finishing anything - for example, I'd make lots of "first issues" of little comic books & was particularly proud of my "To Be Continued!" final pages. But they were never to be continued. I moved on.

I'm not sure if my adult life is as filled with abandonment in the same manner, but boy I wish I could show my depressed thirteen-year-old self that I've kept up with something as long as I have with this blog! Or even the radio show. It'll be nine years this October. Nine years & three radio stations in three different states. I think that would make my thirteen-year-old self wet his pants.

Not that it was terribly difficult to make my thirteen-year-old self wet his pants. It's just an expression.

A Show About Drums

Drums. The world's oldest & most ubiquitous musical instrument. Virtually every culture that exists or has ever existed has them. Your parents wouldn't let you have any when you were kids. Hippies ruined playing them for you forever. Most drummers you meet are very sweaty, nearly all the time(*). & yet you still think they're pretty awesome. Well, so does Self Help Radio.

In fact, here's an entire show about drums, drummers & drumming. It's not a show about specific drummers. It has lots of drumming, & some different kinds of drums, but only one drum solo, & that one is done by a child at a talent show recorded in the 1980s. In short, it's done the way Self Help Radio does things, which is most probably not the right way to do things, but it's too late now. I was traumatized at an early age by hippies at a drum circle.

The show is drumming its fingers, waiting for you, at the Self Help Radio website. It's divided into two parts: part one is beating the bass drum menacingly right here; the other is tattooing the snare right over here. The songs in the two parts are listed below. Like Neal Peart, this show can play its drums upside down.

* This is actually not true. But studies have shown that seeing a group of hippies in a drum circle makes the average person wish that there were no longer any drums or patchouli in the world.

(part one)

"A Child's Introduction To Drums" Ruckus Roboticus _Playing With Scratches_
"I Hear The Drummer (Tunng Edit)" Quincy & Xen Cuts Allstars _Ninja Tune XX Vol 2_

"Drummin' Man (Anita O'Day, vocals)" Gene Krupa _Juke Joint Jive_
"The Drummer Plays For Me (Hal Blaine & The Young Cougars)" Darlene Love _So Much Love - A Darlene Love Anthology 1958-1998_
"Drums" Michael Holliday _UK Teenage Jamboree Vol. 2_
"Drums" Jon & Robin _Do It Again! The Best Of Jon & Robin_
"Drummer Man" The Brady Bunch _The Kids From The Brady Bunch_
"Drummerman" Tonight _Tonight_

"Those Conga Drums" Jonathan Richman _Jonathan Sings!_
"The Drum" Slapp Happy _Casablanca Moon_
"She Bangs The Drums" The Stone Roses _The Stone Roses_

(part two)

"Drum Solo" The Talent Show _The Talent Show_
"The Ballard Of J Drummer" The Fall _The Light User Syndrome_
"Different Drum" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Blow In The Wind_

"Funky Drummer" James Brown _Star Time_
"Give The Drummer Some" Ultramagnetic MC's _Critical Beatdown_
"A Different Drum" Peter Gabriel _Passion: Music For The Last Temptation Of Christ_

"Just Like A Drummer" The Wave Pictures _Instant Coffee Baby_
"Your Brother's Drums" Pearly Gatecrashers _But Wait, There's More_
"Drum Beat For Baby" Weekend _La Varieté_
"Drum Machines Will Save Mankind" Mikrofisch _Masters Of The Universe_

Whither Drums?

I don't think I have a favorite drum solo or even a favorite drummer. I tried to learn how to play the drums once but of course didn't want to practice all the time. Practice was boring. When I see musicians play I often imagine they don't practice at all, but I know they do. The first time I realized that a band had to play a certain song sometimes dozens of time before they got the recorded version I enjoyed it kinda blew my mind. It was probably listening to those Beatles' "Let It Be" session bootlegs. Then bands play the songs over & over.

I would "jam" with a couple of friends over a decade ago - me on the drums - friends I don't see or talk to anymore. I'm not entirely sure where they ended up. One of them was married with a kid, that's more common in my life these days, but not so much then. The other apparently came out of the closet & renounced his pals & lives perhaps in California. I kinda miss them, although if there's anything Facebook has taught me, it's that missing people is mostly more fun than finding out that their lives are as uninteresting as mine.

I named the band The Blames. A friend liked the name a lot. He even suggested the title for our first album: "Share The Blames." But the summer ended & we stopped practicing. It was obvious I wasn't going to be any good. One fellow moved cities with his wife & child. When I look back it seems like we played in a dingy, hot "practice space" a lot, but I'll bet it was just two or three times. They enjoyed smoking pot. I drank beer & chain-smoked cigarettes while I "drummed." I just don't have a natural aptitude for music. & I don't want to work toward it, to overcome my natural inability.

I am sometimes impressed by a drummer on a recording, even if he or she is a session drummer, only to discover that the drummer's resume is really, really dull. For example, I think the drumming on Dylan's "Blonde On Blonde" is transcendent. But the drummer, Kenny Buttrey, mainly recorded in Nashville for middle-of-the-road country or folk artists. The Allmusic Guide calls his drumming for Dylan "perhaps his most significant work."

Tomorrow's show won't focus on particular drummers. It'll be songs about drums & drumming, & drummers in general. There might be a drum solo, but it won't be what you'd expect. Or maybe you don't expect anything. I am perhaps too presumptuous. Like I do.

New Self Help Radio! Tomorrow live at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm in Lexington, on wrfl dot fm all over the place! & of course archived later on self help radio dot net! Drums. It's a fun word to say. Drums.

Preface To Drums: Twelve Drummers Drumming

Well! The best laid pants of mice & men & all that. I had planned to scan a funny picture from one of my favorite comics, Pogo, with Albert the Alligator & Churchy LaFemme the turtle arguing about the twelve days of Christmas. But my scanner didn't want to work this morning. Frankly, it was amazing I found it among all the damn Pogo books I have. But never mind! Here's what Albert says at the end of it all:

"Next you sends TWELVE DRUMMERS --- So THAT was yo' game all along! All this other FOOFARAW was jus' ADVERTISIN' -- Advance men for these salesmen -- THESE DRUMMERS -- BRUSH SELLERS!"

They used to call salesmen drummers, from the phrase "drum up business," you see...

Oh, never mind. Stupid scanner.

Where O Where Did My Bloggerpants Go?

It's true, I was all ready to regale you this morning with another vivid dissection of my recurring nightmare where I find myself in the back row of a computer lab & find out the floor is all wet & there's a dilemma because we're on the second floor(!). As I cracked my knuckles & hunkered down at my computer, I found that Blogger (or as I like to call it, Blooger) was down for maintenance. Horrors! For how long? What's wrong? Oh God, what if I forgot my dream?

(I couldn't, really, because it's recurring. I was a little sleepy though. Not thinking straight. Which might explain why these blog entries are the way they are.)

(My cats tried to hand me a pen & some paper but they were just being jerks.)

Apparently, Blogger went down a couple of days ago & took thirty hours of posts with them. I think I was saved from the humiliation of losing an entry because I last wrote on Wednesday. The breakdown appeared to happen yesterday. & now Blooger is back, & I only noticed because I tried to write in the blog this morning. But what of the nice people who write every day? I think they must have been unhappy.

I'm not, though! I barely noticed. But boy am I glad I don't work at Blogger/Google/whoever owns it wherever they are!

Does anyone still want to hear about my recurring nightmare? It still doesn't end with me wetting the bed, as must as my psychiatrist wishes it would.

New Intro!

I had a previous post where I put links up to all the intros for my show, & I mentioned that I have tended to make a new intro around this time every year to celebrate a "new season" or what-not. Since my show just moved from midnight Tuesdays to mid-morning Mondays, it seemed appropriate to make a new intro now. So I did. You can hear it if you listen to this week's show, or I can just put it up here. Either/or? Or.

You can listen to the new intro here!

As a public service, or in case you don't feel like clicking the link above, here are the links to the previous intros. How clever I am!

You can listen to the 2002 intro here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

Yielding To Temptation

Self Help Radio didn't resist the temptation this week to make a radio show about temptation. It was too tempting. It may have been tempting fate to put a show about temptation on as my first Monday morning show on WRFL, but as far as I can tell, no animals were injured in the making of the radio show. Unless you count my dogs & cats, & if you consider being deeply annoyed as "injured." My cats do.

The radio show tempts you in its regular place, on the Self Help Radio website. It is divided into two parts of more or less equal time, although the show is meant to be listened to in its entirety. Just saying. Part one is here & part two is here. I was tempted to make a part three, but I was rudely interrupted by the show after mine. The nerve!

The two parts are divided as follows:

(part one)
"Temptation (7" Mix)" New Order _Movement_

"Temptation" Screamin' Jay Hawkins _Cow Fingers & Mosquito Pie_
"Temptation" Tom Waits _Franks Wild Years_
"Temptation" Elvis Costello & The Attractions _Get Happy!!_
"Temptation" Jo Broadbery & The Standouts _Jo Broadbery & The Standouts_
"Temptation" The Sapphires _The Sapphires_

"Resisting Temptation" Wilmoth Houdini _Don't Stop The Carnival_
"Man's Temptation" Gene Chandler _Nothing Can Stop Me: Gene Chandler's Greatest Hits_
"Temptation Is Hard To Fight" George McGregor & The Bronzettes _Eccentric Soul: Twinight's Lunar Rotation_
"Do The Temptation Walk" Jackie Lee _The Duck_
"Don't Let Temptation Turn You Around" Hank Ballard & The Midnighters _Don't Let Temptation Turn You Around_

(part two)
"Yield Not To Temptation" Bobby 'Blue' Bland _The Definitive Collection_

"Temptation's 'Bout To Get Me" The Rascals _See_
"Temptation Eyes" Grass Roots _Anthology 1965-1975_
"Fool For Temptation" The Contemporaries _Yeah Yeah Yeah_
"Temptation" Inner Light _A Lethal Dose Of Hard Psych_
"La Tentation Dans Ton Coeur" Les Amours _Romances 85_
"Temptation To Exist" The New York Dolls _Cause I Sez So_

"Temptation Of Egg" Giant Sand _Chore Of Enchantment_
"Temptation" The Itals _Early Recordings 1971-1979_
"Temptation Tide" Sebadoh _Bakesale_
"Temptation By Your Side" Bellavista _Bellavista_

I came home from the Monday morning show & promptly went to sleep. I certainly hope that is not the effect the show has on listeners.

Whither Temptation?

What is so tempting, after all? Certainly not my radio show!

I know the word has roots in Judeo-Christian history/theology. It has been secularized over time to just mean something like "an act or thing that looks appealing to someone," but temptation in the religious sense means something that will lead you astray. I'm sure that I'll be talking about that tomorrow.

OF COURSE there's a perfume called Temptation. Who wouldn't want to smell like a snake trying to make a woman eat an apple?

Or like a little baby trying to make a Victorian woman have a bite to eat?



You'll have to tune in tomorrow to hear Self Help Radio's show all about temptation, in the show's new time slot of Mondays from 7:30 to 9:00 am on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online everywhere at WRFL dot fm.

I will of course archive it tomorrow during the day on the self help radio website. But you should listen anyway!

Preface To Temptation: Derby Day

Despite the homogenization of America, there are still places where things happen only in & around that particular place, where the populace places an emphasis on some event or series of events that is not shared with the country as a whole. In Kentucky, once a year, on the first Saturday in May, it's Derby Day, celebrating the Kentucky Derby. I've lived in Kentucky for nearly a year now & I will admit that I haven't seen a horse race yet. I am still not entirely sure it's not cruel to the horses.

Look at what people say when you ask online (for what it's worth) is horse racing cruel? A friend in town who works with horses, who's a vegan, swears to me she's never seen a lick of cruelty, but I am aware that personal anecdotes are usually mostly helpful to greedy televangelists (I know, an oxymoron) & snake oil salesmen. I don't have time for a detailed internets search. Could you help?

They did open the liquor stores at 8am today for Derby Day. I approve of such forward-thinking measures!

A Change Of Scene

Didya hear the news? No? What news? I'm not talking about Bin Laden. You didn't hear about Bin Laden? Can I visit you in your hyperbaric chamber?

This is far less important news. Self Help Radio will be moving again - if you'll recall, we premiered on WRFL at a very early morning hour, & then we moved to Tuesdays at midnight. Starting this Monday - May 9! - we'll be on at 7:30 am Mondays. Why such an odd time? Because I prefer to do Self Help Radio as a half-hour show, & I'm doing Sugar Substitute from 6 to 7:30 so there.

The show will of course be archived (probably later in the day Monday) at self help radio dot net but you can listen live if you're awake &/or near a computer at that time.

I'm kind of excited because in radio parlance, it's "morning drive time." There's just so many ways to totally fuck this up!

Radio Shows Just Bounce

It's true, this week's Self Help Radio bounced in the door, bounced off the walls for about ninety minutes, then bounced away to some other place. It broke the vase, of course, & boy are we going to be in trouble when Dad gets home! I guess we're not supposed to be bouncing radio shows in the house.

The bounciest radio show you'll probably listen to all year is now available on the Self Help Radio website. As has been my custom, I've divided it into two parts - part one can be found right here & part two is conveniently located right here. What's in the two parts is at the end of this post.

As I announced on the show, Self Help Radio will be moving starting next week to Mondays at 7:30 in the morning. What? Where? How? More information will be forthcoming I swear.

The show:

(part one)

"Bounces" The Bran Flakes _Bounces_
"More Bounce To The Ounce, Part I" Zapp _In Yo' Face! The History Of Funk, Vol. 5_
"The Bounce" The Olympics _Dancetime_

"Birmingham Bounce" Amos Milburn _Vicious Vicious Vodka_
"Hadacol Bounce" Professor Longhair _Gettin' Funky: The Birth Of New Orleans R & B_
"Bouncin' Woman" Laurel Aitken _You Got Me Rockin' (The Blue Beat Years 1960-1964)_
"Big Bounce" Shirley Cadell _Hot Boppin' Girls_
"The Be-Bop Bounce" Martha Davis _Martha Davis 1946-51_
"Bounce Me Brother With A Solid Four" The Andrews Sisters _50th Anniversary Collection Volume One_

"Bouncing Babies" The Teardrop Explodes _Kilimanjaro_
"Bouncing" Thompson Twins _In The Name Of Love_
"Would I... Bounce Back" The Associates _The Affectionate Punch_

(part two)
"Bouncy, Bouncy" The Gargoyles _Steamflapper_
"Boing!" The Wedding Present _Hit Parade 2_
"Life Just Bounces" The Fall _Cerebral Caustic_

"Bounce The Ball (Do Da Dittle Um Day)" Louis Jordan _Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five, Volume 1: 1938-1940_
"That's The Way The Ball Bounces" The 4 Seasons _A Brilliant Taste Of Doowop Vol. 2_
"Follow The Bouncing Ball" The Happenings _The Best Of The Happenings_
"Rubber Bouncy Ball" The Telephone Comedy _Panda Brain!_
"You Can Bounce Right Back" Donald O'Connor _Anything Goes_

"Billie's Bounce" Charlie Parker Quintet _Kansas City: Jazz City_
"Beethoven Bounce" Al Donahue & His Orchestra _Swingin' The Classics_
"Mia Mia Bounce" The Black Broadway Boys _Jazz & Hot Dance in South Africa (1946-1959)_

Tonight! The Show Just Bounces!

That's right, tonight's Self Help Radio will bounce right out of your speakers like one of those crazy magic rubber balls that would break everything in the living room before you could stop it. Seriously, Self Help Radio will break everything in your living room before you turn the radio off. Sorry about that. In advance.

So listen to the show about bouncing tonight at midnight in Lexington on the 88.1 frequency, & online everywhere at WRFL dot fm. I'll of course archive the show tomorrow on self help radio dot net, but you should really listen tonight while the show has its original bounce.

Also, there's some exciting news about Self Help Radio this week - I'll announce it on the show tonight, but I'll also tell you tomorrow.

Maybe it's not so exciting. I shouldn't oversell it. It excites me. Maybe it'll excite you. Listen tonight to find out!

Whither Bounce?

I see that Morgan Spurlock, who (I didn't know) is younger than I am (!), & whom I have to thank for making me stop eating fast food once & for all (I seriously haven't eaten at a fast food restaurant more than four or five times since I saw Super Size Me six or seven years ago) (& those four or five times were basically unusual situations where I simply had nowhere else to eat) has a new movie out about product placement. It has a long title & so far the reviews have been mixed

I mention this because there are perhaps some folks out there that imagine a show with the theme "Bounce" might be about the "American brand of fabric softener" made by Proctor & Gamble. If so, might this be an example of product placement on Self Help Radio?

Of course not! I'm on a non-commercial radio station! I have almost no contact with the outside world! I wouldn't know how to communicate with a corporation to get endorsements anyway. I only recently learned how to embed videos in this blog. Also, & I checked, there doesn't appear to be any fabric softener of any kind in the house. Apparently we enjoy the roughness of our fabrics. I would be a hypocrite if I were to endorse any product I didn't myself use. Or I'd be like everyone else, you know, for the money.

Just in case you were wondering. Self Help Radio's themes are not funded by anyone. It explains, really, the shabbiness of the show.

Preference To Bounce: Kinky Tonight!

Is it truly a regional thing, or is legendary singer/songwriter/book writer/gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman seriously unknown in this part of the world? I've asked a few of the kids at the radio station, but really no one appears to have heard of him, which is such a shame.

Fooey on them! Tonight the wife & I will be traveling to "Cin City" (which is totally what they should call Cincinnati, but which they instead tend to call "the Queen City") (bo-ring!) to the lovely Southgate House, which is actually in Newport, Kentucky, across the river, to see the Kinkster in all his glory. I saw him last with my buddy CJ Buchanan some time in the late 90s, & he was about the same as the first time I saw him. Actually, remarkably the same. His act does not literally get old.

I hope she likes him. I adore him. Now I must check to see whether the farmer's market will open today despite the rain!

Self Help Radio Extra, April 2011

It's the end of the month so I suppose it's only right & natural that I make another ridiculous mix of music that exists outside my radio shows. Also, it may appear that the mix has some kind of theme, but it doesn't really. It's just a lot of songs that I've strung together in the hopes that it sounds fine together.

The mix is at the Self Help Radio Extra page. What's in the mix I've written below. I hope you enjoy.

"ABC Auto-Industry" Orchestral Maneuvres In The Dark _Dazzle Ships_
"ABC" Jackson 5 _Hitsville USA: The Motown Singles Collection 1959-1971_
"A B & C Part Two" Death By Chocolate _Zap The World_
"AEIOU" Pizzicato Five _Ca Et La_
"A Rã" Joao Donato _The Story Of Bossa Nova_
"A Contraluz" Niza _Canciones De Temporada_
"A Nega Se Vingou" Walter Wanderley _Ultra Lounge Vol. 9: Cha-Cha De Amor_
"A Minha Menina" Os Mutantes _Os Mutantes_
"A Balair El Tape-Charleston" Lisa Carbon _Standards_
"A & P Commercial: The Death Penalty" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"A-La-Bridges" Harlan Leonard's Rockets _Kansas City: Jazz City_
"AC/DC Current" Benny Goodman Sextet _Charlie Christian: The Genius Of The Electric Guitar_
"A-Tisket, A-Tasket" Ella Fitzgerald _Jukebox Ella: The Complete Verve Singles_
"A La Carte" James Holloway _Las Vegas Grind Vol. 1_
"A Yuh (Hey You)" Uniques _Trojan Mod Reggae Box Set_
"A Yor Nokh Mayn Khasene" Klezmer Conservatory Band _Planet Squeezebox_
"AIDS Test" Chris Rock _Cheese & Crackers: The Greatest Bits_
"A/B" Telex _Neurovision_
"A-L'uomo" Mr. Electric Triangle _Kosmosis Of the Heart_
"A8 Km34" Funkstörung _Appetite For Disctruction_
"a550l" Novel 23 _RND_0.34873349921_
"A" Leila _Rephlexions_
"A.D.S.A." Vessel _South_

Goodbye F! Hello G!

In the thirty-first (!) installment of my "I'll-die-before-I-complete-it" series, Indiepop A To Z, I finish the Fs with some faint finesse & gingerly gnaw at the ungainly Gs. G is a deeply unpopular letter, as I know since my name begins with a G. Some might say it ends with a G, though they might be mistaking my name for a participle or a gerund. Oh sure, G has given us garrulous, gentle, geek, goofy, good grief & grateful, but it also sadly gave us grotesque, gonorrhea, G.O.P., Garfield, & god. There are some things, those of us whose names start with G understand, for which we can never be forgiven.

This is a vain attempt to play lots of indiepop songs in alphabetical order & I will continue to do so unless you give me a good reason not to. The show exists in the way it went at the Self Help Radio web site. You can find most (I think all except one) of the previous "Indiepop A To Z" series in the show archives (scroll down to find the first ones, then work your way up). The show is divided in two parts as if hewed with a dull axe, & part one is here while part two is here. What songs & artists are contained in each part? I list that below.

Do I ever tell you thanks for listening? Because I should. Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Brilliant Mind" Furniture _The Wrong People_
"Watery Moonlight" Further _I've Got It Now - A Popfest Compilation Cassette_
"Only One Life" The Future _Hit Music Only_

"I'm Lonely (& I Love It)" Future Bible Heroes _I'm Lonely (& I Love It)_
"Crying's What You Need" Future Conditional _We Don't Just Disappear_
"Love Is The Slug" Fuzzbox _We've Got A Fuzzbox & We're Gonna Use It_
"Flashlight" Fuzzy _Flashlight 7"_

"Bonnie & Clyde" Serge Gainsbourg & Brigitte Bardot _Bonnie & Clyde_
"Baby Blue Volvo" The Galactic Heroes _How About San Francisco?_

(part two)
"Tugboat" Galaxie 500 _Today_
"Chardonnay" Game Theory _Lolita Nation_
"Sitting In The Park" Gangway _Sitting In The Park_

"Galaxy" Des Garcons Ordinaires _The Noise & The Melodies: The Pearl-Compilation_
"Ferry Across The Humber" The Gargoyles _Steamflapper_
"Bed & Breakfast" Garlands _Picnic Lightning_
"Why Did I Trust You?" The Garlands _The Garlands EP_
"Any Way" Gaze _Mitsumeru_

"Yours Forever" The Generationals _Actor-Caster_
"Shadow Of A Girl" Gentle Despite _Torment To Me_

Tonight! The Countdown Continues!

It's not really a countdown, though, is it. I mean, a countdown starts high & works its way to a lower number. The most famous countdown is the one that leads to a rocket taking off.

It's not a countup either. (I know, countup isn't a word.) I was thinking about famous countdowns & as an example my brain said, "Don't you count down when you're playing hide & seek?" Of course you don't, silly brain! You count up! Sometimes from five. Like in the famous Schoolhouse Rock video:



No, the Indiepop A To Z attempts to be like a - well - like an alphabetical list of something. Like if you go to the Wikipedia & look for a list of jazz flugelhorn players. (Note: they don't have an alphabetical list of jazz flugelhorn players.) (Nor do they have a list of indiepop bands & performers.) Such a list would probably be in alphabetical order. It would also probably tempt to me to do a series of radio shows. I shall restrain myself.

I guess I should call it "an alphabetical listing of indiepop players & performers." But that's a mouthful. It's just the indiepop a to z. I'm not even capitalizing it. That's how frankly unofficial & probably incomplete it is!

It's on tonight in Lexington on 88.1 fm & of course online everywhere on WRFL's website. If you miss it, I'll archive it tomorrow on self help radio dot net. But I'm giving you so much advance notice! Why would you miss it?

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 31?

It does seem a little hopeless, doesn't it?

This time, though, I shall finish the Fs. Here are some useless factoids about the Indiepop Fs:

I counted 120 bands whose name (or performers whose last name) started with the letter F. This includes the seven performers/bands I will be playing tomorrow night.

The first band was the Factory Owners. The last band will be Fuzzy.

I started the Indiepop Fs on the show that aired March 1, 2010. It means it took me over a year to finish the Indiepop Fs. (Which, you'll recall, have not yet been finished. But pretend it's so.) Part of the reason is that I've slowed down the occurrence of my "Indiepop A To Z" episodes. I do them only every four months or so now. I'd do them more if I were allowed to do them on WRFL when I do Sugar Substitute, but I must play music from the station's playbox so it can report to whomever we report to, & they would make the Indiepop A To Z seem a little disjointed.

I have no predictions about the Indiepop Gs. They could go fast, or they could take an equivalent amount of time. I don't think they'll be longer than the Fs, though. G is not a popular letter. After all, it's how my own name begins.

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 31: This Is Only A Text

One of the things I like to do when I do Sugar Substitute, which is the pop show after Self Help Radio, is playing instrumental music under my airbreaks, & I especially want to play music by people (living or dead) who are having a birthday the day of the show. Usually there are helpful sites, like this jazz birthdays web page, & of course Wikipedia, which give me names to look at for those days. But assuming that I keep doing Sugar Substitute for many years to come - not a guarantee, by why not? - I don't really want to play the same songs by the same birthday people as the years go by. There are not-very-good radio shows in Austin that used to do that. Hooray, it's a famous rock & roll star's birthday again. Whoop de doo. Bleh.

The biggest trouble is that many bands I love, including electronica artists, just aren't famous enough to warrant a personal page (as opposed to a band page) on the Wikipedia. Take this page for one of my favorite bands, The Lucksmiths - it lists the members, but not their birthdays. Oh, but when I looked at their own website, it does mention their birthdays. Okay, bad example. The point is, it's hard!

In case you're reading this unimportant whinge, & you know a decent web site that lists indie &/or electronica birthdays, can you comment here or send me an email at my Self Help Radio email? That would be swell.

Nasty Storms & Sacred Animals

Putting the table of contents on the cover of the magazine instead of an airbrushed model does not increase sales, the report said. It took Tracy all of twelve minutes to make it a first amendment issue. He also suddenly began to remember all the people who had eagerly "friended" him on Facebook when he first logged on who have now, roughly six months later, apparently "unfriended" him. Instead of thinking of it as some sort of negative review of his life, Tracy just got mad.

When his alarm didn't go off, Mr. Unlucky woke up anyway. It hadn't stopped raining since the early evening, when he had watched lightning moving slowly across the horizon, not coming anywhere near him. He could tell, he counted the elapsed time between the bright bolt & the approaching rumble. Then he couldn't get to sleep for a while, wondering what happened to the birds when the sky was full of water.

Kirk was missing a riot grrl-friend he had had in the early nineties. She convinced him to get his first & only tattoo, of which he was still a little embarrassed. If it weren't below his right shoulder, on his back, where he might be able to see it most of the time, he might think of it as something by which he could remember her. Now he couldn't really place her face. He wondered if she still had her record collection, or if she still bleached her hair, the better to dye it purple or red or green.

Why would I be so uncomfortable with my brother's children - neither of which were older than three - running around the backyard naked? Gene had to look away, even when the youngest raised her arms & said something that could have been "Uncle Gene" or "gum machine." This culture sucks, he thought to himself, I am more afraid of being a suspected pedophile than I am willing to be a good uncle. Is there something I can tell my brother? What about my sister-in-law? They both seem so tired & they're letting themselves go. The kids may as well be insane or lost.

What Crawled Up Your Radio?

Self Help Radio crawled out of many radios this week (one hopes it got out before they switched them off or to another channel) while a deadly line of thunderstorms crawled toward Lexington. Amusingly, they "closed" the University in the middle of the night for a tornado warning, making students in the dorms gather in hallways for safety, but no one said a thing to the deejay in the RFL studios, where the windows were open to let in the cool night air. The EAS didn't even interrupt my show to say, "Find cover you fool!"


But I crawled along & so did the show & you can hear the results here. The show has crawled under the rock that is the Self Help Radio website. If you'd like to download the show directly, it has been cut into two parts, but survives! rather like other creepy, crawly things. Part one is here & part two is here. What's in the parts is listed below. Do not let them induce any formication in you. I felt like things were crawling all over me all the show long.

Thanks, as always, for listening!

(part one)
"Crawl" The Wedding Present _3 Songs EP_
"Crawl" Tall Dwarfs _Weeville_
"Crawl" Tiny Lights _Hot Chocolate Massage_

"Crawl Out Through The Fallout" Sheldon Allman _Atomic Platters: Cold War Music From The Golden Age_
"Crawlin'" The Clovers _Down In The Alley: The Best Of The Clovers_
"Love Bug Crawl" Jimmy Edwards _Rockin' Bones: 1950's Punk & Rockabilly_
"A Crawlin' Man" Arkay IV _For Internal Use Only_
"Crawling Back To Me" The Tell-Tale Hearts _High Tide (Big Noses & Pizza Faces): Anthology_
"Can You Please Crawl Out Your Window?" Bob Dylan _Biograph_

"Funky Crawl" The Detroit Sex Machines _Grazing In The Trash Vol. 2_
"You've Got To Crawl To Me" Johnny Davis _Eccentric Soul, Vol. 3 - The Bandit Label_
"Twist & Crawl" The Beat "I Just Can't Stop It_

(part two)
"Crawling To The USA" Elvis Costello _This Year's Model_
"Crawling From The Wreckage" Rockpile _Seconds Of Pleasure_
"The Incredible Crawling Eye" Nervus Rex _Nervus Rex_

"Things Have Learnt To Walk That Ought To Crawl" The Room _No Dream_
"Crawling Mantra" Red Lorry Yellow Lorry _The Singles: 1982-1987_
"Walk & Crawl" The Jesus & Mary Chain _The Power Of Negative Thinking: B-Sides & Rarities_
"Crawl Babies" The Pastels _Truckload Of Trouble_
"The Crawling" Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians _Element Of Light_

"Crawl Away" Lambchop _Thriller_
"Crawling With Idiot" Elbow _Cast Of Thousands_
"Time Will Crawl (MM Remix)" David Bowie _iSelect_

Crawl - Don't Walk - To Self Help Radio Tonight!

[Technically speaking, since the average listener need only turn his or her radio on &, at that point, need not really move except perhaps to change the channel, there is no real need to "crawl" to a radio show. However, since the Self Help Radio show tonight has as its theme "crawl," one hopes the reader will allow some latitude in expression, as opposed to the reader's usual lassitude.]

Yes, Self Help Radio slows to a crawl tonight! All ninety minutes, just crawling! Crawling all over the airwaves, crawling into your ears, crawling on top of your brain, okay I'll stop now I'm creeping myself out.

It's happening at midnight tonight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington but you can listen anywhere (as long as you know what time it is when it's midnight in Kentucky & you have a computer) at the WRFL website.

I'll archive it tomorrow at the Self Help Radio website but what's the fun in that? Listen tonight! It may crawl, but what if later it turns into a butterfly??

[Okay, probably not.]

Whither Crawl?

I was listening to the Wedding Present on my iPod & the song "Crawl" came on & I remembered how much I loved it, & I thought, afterward, there should be a radio show about "crawl."

...

Was that too simple?

...

I'm sorry. Sometimes the reasons for my themes are quite straightforward. I could make something up if you'd like.

...

I was thinking of making up a story about things crawling all over me, but the insects have only just returned to Kentucky after wintering in warmer climes. The more I think about them, I think about formication, which is the medical terms for the feeling of bugs crawling on your skin, which I don't want to feel so stop it!

....

You're just going to have to be satisfied with the truth. This time.

Preface To Crawl: Themes That Are Not Nouns Make Me Uncomfortable

I often want to make them into nouns. "Crawl" becomes "crawling." For example.

Nouns seem to be more understandable. A verb as a theme seems like an imperative sentence, a command. "Crawl" becomes "crawl!" This is not my intention.

In fact, of all my themes for this year, every one has been a noun. A show in which the theme might have been "sit" became "sitting." The most recent non-noun theme was from November 16 of last year, & it was "Destroy!" which was meant to be an imperative sentence (although I did have songs about destruction therein). Right before that, on November 2, I had a rare show with an adjectival theme: "Hungry!" Which, you know, could easily have been "hunger."

Crawl can of course be a noun - "the traffic moved at a slow crawl." Or a description of how an animal moves. There's also a "crawl" in the jazz sense. It's a type of dance.

Yet when I see "crawl" as a theme, it doesn't feel like the noun version. It seems like a command. I shall leave it, however, the way it is.

The Daydreaming Traveler Dozes In The Spring Sun Somewhere On I-75 Between Lexington & Cincinnati

When I drive, I dream of driving. & since I've driven through mountainous places - Southwest Texas, Arizona, Utah - if it's dark outside when I'm driving, my brain fills in the darkness with giant walls of rock that loom over me.

It's dark on I-75 between Cincinnati & Lexington. & in the rain, a driver isn't entirely sure he or she is driving on a three-lane highway. A highway that never seems crowded, well-maintained, used a lot now for people fleeing the midwest to places like Texas, where the highways there, once ostentatiously spacious, are now choked with cars.

I drove to Cincinnati & back last night to see the great Todd Barry. The opening act was someone I'd never seen before, Brendon Walsh, who was amusing, & the show was actually closed by Neil Hamburger, whom I don't find particularly funny but whom I stuck around to see in case there was some kind of prepared performance at the end. It's been a while since I saw that kind of performance art type thing, a fellow in character for that long.

But you can't really talk much about a comedy show. I like the Southgate House, the venue where I saw Barry & where last week I saw Darren Hanlon & where in two weeks I'll see the legendary Kinky Friedman.

I didn't dream about the comedians, though. I dreamt about driving in the rain up I-75.

Make A Plan, Watch It Go Wrong

The ironies did abound this week for Self Help Radio. After a show about plans, I discovered that I myself hadn't planned well & let my domain lapse. So I planned to wake up this morning, only to discover that my website didn't exist any more. Zounds! So I had to scramble to pay for registration (what if some actual self-help radio group wanted the URL?!) & had to wait all day for what I suppose is the internet's version of the paperwork going through for the site to reappear. It did, at last, tonight. Sigh.

SO. The show. I should say congrats to Andrew for winning the My Morning Jacket tickets. It was fun to give stuff away again. I hope WRFL lets me do it some more.

Um, what else. The songs of the show are below. The show is at the (thankfully in good health) Self Help Radio website. There are two mp3s, of almost equal length, which are "part 1" & "part 2" of the show, although the division is for length, not for content. The entire show is good, is what I'm trying to say. You can listen to part one by clicking here of course & you can listen to part two by clicking here.

Thanks for listening I need to sleep. xo

-----

(part one)
"Let's Make Some Plans" Close Lobsters _Forever Until Victory_
"Making Plans For Nigel" XTC _Fossil Fuel (The XTC Singles)_

"I Guess I'll Have To Change My Plan" Bobby Darin _Love Swings_
"Heaven's Plan" Mark Wynter _UK Teenage Jamboree, Volume 1_
"That's My Plan" Beat Boys _Joe Meek Rarities Vol. 2: The Beat Groups Era_
"Plan B" Wally Pleasant _Music For Nerds & Perverts_
"The Plan" Richard Hell & The Voidoids _Blank Generation_

"Who's The Man (With The Master Plan)" Kay-Gee's _Master Plan_
"The Plan" Poets Of Rhythm _Practice What You Preach_
"Master Plan" My Morning Jacket _It Still Moves_

(part two)
"Masterplan" Sinister Rouge _The Age Of Separation_

"Making Plans" Porter Wagoner & Dolly Parton _The Essential Porter Wagoner & Dolly Parton_
"What Have You Got Planned Tonight Diana" Merle Haggard _Down Every Road_
"The Plans We Made" Jon Langford & Sally Timms _The Executioner's Last Songs, Vol. 1_
"Plan B" Dexy's Midnight Runners _Searching For The Young Soul Rebels_
"According To No Plan" Broadcast _Work & Non-Work_

"The Plan" The Terrible Twos _Jerzy The Giant_
"Dayplanner" Free Loan Investments _Ever Been To Mexico?_
"Big City Plans" Some Velvet Sidewalk _Whirlpool_
"Plans Get Complex" All-Time Quarterback _All-Time Quarterback_
"If Everything Goes As Planned" The Heartworms _A Gift From Sing Sing_
"A Long Term Plan" Acid House Kings _Sing Along With Acid House Kings_

-----

Plan To Listen Tonight!

You really should plan to listen to Self Help Radio tonight, because the show is about plans. You see, even if it doesn't fit in with your plans, the plan to not listen is also a plan, & so the show is about your plans, too, whether or not you've planned to listen. Therefore avoiding Self Help Radio is next to impossible.

I didn't plan it that way.

However, I do plan to give away a pair of My Morning Jacket tickets for their show Sunday at Memorial Coliseum, so if you'd like to win them, you should plan to listen.

How do you plan to listen? You can listen live on 88.1 fm in Lexington, or anywhere on the computer at the WRFL website. You can listen tomorrow when the show is archived at self help radio dot net, but the tickets will have already been given away. Silly!

Whither Plans?

Durn it, I explained the show yesterday! I planned to do it today. I suppose instead I can share with you some quotes about plans.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon sang that, unaware that life had other plans for him.

"Without goals, & plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination." Someone named Fitzhugh Dodson said that. He apparently didn't enjoy recreational sailing.

Lao Tzu, on the other hand, said, "A good traveler has no fixed plans, & is not intent on arriving." Chinese philosophers were quite well paid in those days, however, so dawdling wasn't expensive.

One web page tells me this is a "Norwegian proverb": "The lazier a man is, the more he plans to do tomorrow." It reminds me, I have a lot to do tomorrow.

Here's something a snappy politician might have said, "He who fails to plan, plans to fail." Does that include improvisational comedy troops?

I've seen one phrase attributed to many folks, but one web site says that Woody Allen said this: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." It doesn't sound like Woody Allen to me. There's also a more pithy one: "Man plans, god laughs." It's never clear what God does when woman plans.

Will Rogers said, "Plans get you into things, but you got to work your way out." Seems sensible enough.

Horace, the Roman poet so famous he was known by his first name, said, "Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly at the right moment."

Robert Burns wrote, in a poem called "To A Mouse," "The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men/Gang aft agley." It has been translated into understandable words as "The best laid schemes of mice & men/Go often awry." One anonymous snark wrote, "The best laid plans of mice & men are usually about equal." That seems a little insulting to the mice.

Dwight Eisenhower, former Grandfather Of The United States, once said, "In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable." Then he bought the entire country a comic book & some candy.

Bakunin, my favorite anarchist, said, "Anyone who makes plans for after the revolution is a reactionary." Then he bombed something.

There are lots of quotes about plans. Alan Watts, the Zennest westerner of all, said, "No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now." Greta Garbo - who had a pretty large capacity for living, countered, "There seems to be a law that governs all our actions so I never make plans." & trying to be head off the religious at the pass, Mary Daly said, "[The term] 'God's plan' is often a front for men's plans & a cover for inadequacy, ignorance, and evil."

But I leave you with something inspiring, which I almost never do: "Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood & probably will themselves not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope & work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will not die."

Daniel H. Burnham said that. He never noted whether little plans have any magic to stir women's blood. I wonder why.

Preface To Plans: How Plans Change!

It's true, plans change. As the beloved Close Lobsters always said, in a song I shall most definitely be playing this week, "Let's make some plans 'cause they can go wrong." This week's show, if you checked the website as recently as a week ago, was supposed to be "crawl." What happened? Why did the plans change?

It's very simple. WRFL got some tickets to the My Morning Jacket show at Memorial Coliseum in Lexington. Here's the official press release. WRFL doesn't usually do giveaways, as the management has decided that giveaways are not FCC compliant, & although I am in complete disagreement with management, I am a good soldier & will abide by the rules because I love the station.

Furthermore, Self Help Radio has been chosen as one of the shows to give away a couple of tickets for the show. Hooray!

Except, as I thought about it, I could not recall a single My Morning Jacket song about crawling. No matter how much I scrunched my brain. When I became resigned to having to change the show's theme - because how could I give away My Morning Jacket tickets without playing one of their songs? - I thought, "Oh well, change of plan."

Then it hit me - My Morning Jacket have a song called "Master Plan." The show which required me to change my plans could be about plans!

There you go. Listen this week for a chance to win My Morning Jacket tickets. I'll give them away when I play the song - but won't tell you when that will be. Mainly because I don't know yet.

I Feel Guilty I Don't Follow Any Blogs

I'm not even sure I know how to.

You might have noticed that I have a tumblr blog (it's weird to say that on a blogger blog, but there you go) which is mainly just music videos & goofy images, & I've been doing it for a while, & I've amassed an amazing following of two (2) people. But no one on blogger has "followed" this blog, which I've been doing too darn long, & that doesn't really bother me, because I do a radio show that virtually no one listens to, but every time I log on to write some nonsense here, the "dashboard" of this blog tells me, "You are not currently following any blogs."

I feel like I should, that admitting that I am not following any blogs (I don't even read this one!) is basically confessing that I am missing out on some interesting stuff here in the blogosphere, if they still call it that. You're a loser, Charlie Brown!

I'd ask for recommendations from you, but virtually no one reads this blog, which is also probably why no one "follows" it. Ergo, it would probably be unlikely for someone to recommend anything to me. I'd get more feedback just asking around at a restaurant. (To be fair, the blogger folk do sometimes present in a sidebar "blogs to watch" or some sort of thing like that, but I never look at it. So I'd probably not really follow up. Pathetic.)

"What's the weather like in Minneapolis?" my wife just asked me. I must look up the answer, &, relieved, my mind goes off to another task.

Almost (But Not Quite) A Star

No, I will never be a star. I will never have my name in front of er whatever place the Hollywood Walk Of Fame is in front of. I will never tell prepared stories to Larry Leno or Brian O'Letterman. Never will I sit on the couch of the rich & famous & say "No more cocaine for me thank you!" I will never be able to run for governor of California or Greece. This is my lot in life. I accept it.

I can however do a show about stars & stardom & so I did. Did I secretly think it would make me a star? Did I think I could finally relate to that Cat Stevens song? No, not that Cat Stevens song. The other one. Right. Maybe I did. So what? I had had too much benadryl on the rocks & the pizza man didn't have the right toppings in the right order. I can maybe be excused but I will never forgive.

You can listen to last night's show - maybe it will make you a star? - at self help radio dot net. The show is, as always, divided in two so you can share with your friend. Part one can be accessed here, while part two has been conveniently placed here. The songs in which part are below.

I need so much sleep now.

(part one)
"Star" David Bowie _The Rise & Fall Of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars_
"Teenage Pop Star" Barcelona _Transhuman Revolution_
"Moviestar" Stereo Total _Stereo Total_

"Pop Star" Cat Stevens _Mona Bone Jakon_
"So You Want To Be A Rock & Roll Star" The Move _Shazam!_
"Rock Star" Bearded Lady _Velvet Tinmine_
"Video Killed The Radio Star" Bruce Woolley & The Camera Club _English Garden_
"Superstar" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Ruin Johnny's Bar Mitzvah_

"Superstar (Remember How You Got Where You Are)" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_
"Superstar Talking Blues" Edwyn Collins _Home Again_
"Superstar In France" Lambchop _Thriller_

(part two)
"Nicky" Momus _Circus Maximus_
"Rockstar" That Dog _Totally Crushed Out_

"Child Star" Tyrannosaurus Rex _The Definitive Tyrannosaurus Rex_
"Child Star" Unicorns _Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?_
"Golden Lights" The Smiths _Louder Than Bombs_
"You'll Never Be A Star" Shy Camp _You'll Never Be A Star_

"The Stars Of Track & Field" Belle & Sebastian _If You're Feeling Sinister_
"Rock Star" Bran Van 3000 _Discosis_
"Stars" Halftime Oranges _Rotterdamnation_

What?!? Five Hours Of Radio Tonight!?!

Of course, the radio (at least WRFL - I can't speak for stations I don't listen to) is on twenty-four hours a day, so I am not implying that there's only going to be five hours of radio tonight. I meant I will be on the radio five hours tonight. It should be fun if only to see if I unravel after hour four.

I will be subbing the excellent Subset, WRFL's dubstep show, from 10 to midnight, & then Self Help Radio is on at midnight till 1:30, & Sugar Substitute will be on from 1:30 to 3, when the lovely 3am deejay, Marshall, will arrive in time to watch the paramedics try to revive me.

You can listen, Lexingtonian, on the fm dial at 88.1; you can listen, citizen of the rest of the world, online at wrfl.fm. I will archive my regular shows at the SHR website tomorrow.

Oops, I forgot to nap today!

Whither Stars?

A thunderstorm rages through Kentucky. Sitting in his tiny den, a deejay for a college/community radio station - who will never himself be a star - prepares a radio show about stars.

But does he dream of being a star? Does he dream of reaching the widest possible audience? Does he dream of being feted by the cognoscenti, the rich, the powerful?

Or is he just simply standing at the window watching the storm?

OH COME ON.

You'd think a dude that likes to be on the radio would also want to be some kind of star, like other famous people on the radio, like that Robert Dylan guy who also did a kind of theme show; or maybe Casey Kasem, who was also allowed to be the voice of Shaggy on Scooby Doo; or what about Doctor Demento; or how about that Benn Gleck guy who pretends to be insane on the air. Maybe those are his idols, maybe he dreams of Self Help Radio being nationally syndicated, talked about, turned into a sitcom or maybe a movie directed by David Fincher.

No, no, he's staring at the rain while listening to music.

Well, he can do a radio show about stars, but we all know why he'll never be a star!

Preface To "Stars": Harrrumph!

Dear Self Help Radio if that's your real name,

I am an imaginary listener & long time reader of this blog (I was reading it long before you started writing it) & I noted with interest your self-serving blog post of March 21 in which you said & I quote:

"Lots of people - not enough, but a lot - make requests for themes for me to explore on the show. I might have previously complained about the more obvious themes people have suggested - songs about rain or cars or nouns - but I can't find a blog entry grumbling about it so I must have done it in private with you. Don't you remember?"

I therefore find it ironic that this week's show is something as "more obvious" as stars. Stars! You couldn't pick one star, like Aldebaran or Betelgeuse or Canopus (oh yeah, I have a star name for every letter of the alphabet!), could you, because that's HARD.

You are a hypocrite & you owe me forty dollars.

Love,
Your faithful listener,
Mom's friend Edie

Dear Mom's friend Edie,

Self Help Radio is not my real name. It was what the cruel kids at school told the cool kids at school to call me at school. Thank you for not existing, which must give you lots of time to listen to my radio show. Many people make the smarter decision to ignore the show's existence, but perhaps it's because they have existence themselves.

One of the reasons I have this blog is to explain the themes in case they don't seem self-evident. This week's theme does require some explanation. The show is not about stars, meaning "massive, luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity." Therefore I am not looking for songs about Deneb, Eltanin, or Fomalhaut (I too enjoy alphabetizing stars). No, it's the sort of star defined as "a person who has holds a high degree of recognition in a society or culture." I could have used "celebrity." I probably should have. However, it did encourage you to write, & that pleases me.

I do however still owe you forty dollars. Will you take a gift card?

Yours sincerely,
Self Help Radio

Extra! Not At All Funky!

Ooo, I forgot to tell you, I finished March's Self Help Radio Extra on the very last day of March! This is no April Fool! (Well, I am an April Fool. But I'm not lying. You can check by clicking the link above.) It includes new stuff from the Brutes, Zoey Van Goey, Acrylics, Those Dancing Days & more, plus older stuff that just popped into my head because I had been listening to it recently. It's one big mp3 mixed so you don't have to. & like the title says, it's not very funky.

But! If you want funk! I'll be on WRFL tonight from midnight to 3am Eastern Kentucky time (which is Eastern Standard Time) playing funk, which you can listen to on the fm dial at 88.1 in Lexington & the surrounding villas, or you can listen to it anywhere in the world that a computer can scream to at WRFL dot fm. It's not a funk show that I am subbing, but I will be following the hiphop show, so I asked special permission to keep the funk alive into the night.

Listen! Download! Whatever!

That Show's A Rebel!

Comrades! It is time to take action! Or at the very least listen to a radio show!

Self Help Radio celebrated rebels & rebellion this week, rising up against terrible commercial radio - & of course getting utterly crushed, as most rebellions are. Seriously. Look at the list on this Wikipedia page. There have been A LOT of rebellions in history.

The show will lick its wounds & continue. Memoirs of the struggle are saved at self help radio dot net. The playlist for the show is below, & it's in two parts. If you'd rather listen to the show direct-like, you can listen to part one by clicking here & part two by clicking here. If you'd rather plot another rebellion, let me know - I still got a lot of gunpowder left.

What I played is listed below:

(part one)
"Teenage Rebellion" Mike Curb _Teenage Rebellion OST_
"Teen-Age Rebel" Carol Honeycutt _Buffalo Bop - Candy Doll_
"Teenage Rebel" The Avengers _Died For Your Sins_
"Justa Nother Teenage Rebel" The Outcasts _Self Conscious Over You_

"He's A Rebel" Morning Benders _The Bedroom Covers_
"He's A 'Rebel'" Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now! _Fixing The Charts, Volume 1_
"Rebel" Toy Love _Cuts_
"Rebel Rocker" Alan Vega _Collision Drive_
"The Littlest Rebel" The Fall _Extricate_
"Norman (He's No Rebel)" Mo-Dettes _The Story So Far_

"The Rebel Girl" Hazel Dickens _Don't Mourn - Organize!: Songs Of Labor Songwriter Joe Hill_
"Rebel Girl" Bikini Girl _Pussy Whipped_
"She's A Rebel" The Rantouls _In The Village Of Rantoul_

(part two)

"Rebel Woman" Dean Carter _Pebbles Vol. 6: Chicago 1_
"High On Rebellion" Patti Smith _Easter_
"Rebel Rebel" David Bowie _Diamond Dogs_

"The Aging Young Rebel (feat. Ken Nordine)" DJ Food _Kaleidoscope_
"Tinsel Town Rebellion (live)" Frank Zappa _Have I Offended Someone?_
"Rebel Yell" All _Before You Were Punk Vol. 2_

"Good Ol' Rebel Soldier" Bobby Horton _Homespun Songs Of The Confederate States Of America Vol. 1_
"Soul Rebel" Bob Marley _Bustin' Out Of Trenchtown_
"Rebel Song" The Decorators _Rebel Song_

Rebellion Tonight!

Yes, citizens & reactionaries, you can take up arms (at least in your armless heads) against all manner of tyranny this fine evening at midnight in Lexington on 88.1 fm WRFL or anywhere in the world (are you listening Africa & the Middle East? Michigan, Wisconsion, Ohio?) on the interwebbing at WRFL dot FM.

Famous rebellions will be discussed, & although most of the them generally don't end well, there will be a general undercurrent of hope coupled with grim determination, which will make it all the more tragic when we're finally mowed down by forces supported by the people who have all the money.

Listen, fellow rebels! Or, if you can't, don't worry, the rebellion will be archived tomorrow at self help radio dot net.

For freedom! For better radio! For better freedom radio!

Whither Rebellion?

(Warning: The FBI have flagged this blog entry as possibly seditious.)

I invite you all to join the Great Rebellion!

(See, we told you - FBI.)

It is time to overthrow all radio that is not Self Help Radio!

(Oh, well, then, maybe not - FBI.)

All other radio should fall simply because most of it is frankly quite better than Self Help Radio! & that makes me feel just awful! My self-esteem is in the toilet!

(Time to put this in the crank file - FBI.)

That will be the first step to the glorious overthrow of other media outlets!

(Maybe I spoke too soon - FBI.)

& then! & then! & only then!

(Yes? Yes? - FBI.)

Only then will my insecurity about my show be assuaged!

(I miss the Mob - FBI.)

Hey FBI!

(Yeah, what? - FBI.)

Want me to say something about declaring war against the Supreme Court or something?

(Well, sure, but you've gotta want to say it. If I make you say it, it's entrapment - FBI.)

I'm flattered you pay attention to my little radio show at all!

(Don't be. I was just demoted. College/community radio is pretty much the lowest a Special Agent can fall - FBI.)

Do you want a caramel?

(Do you have any chocolate? - FBI.)

Always!

Preface To Rebellion: Which Side Are You On?

Rebellion's in the air like never before! What a time to be anti-establishment!

Lest you think I make light of repression & dictatorial regimes, please remember, as an American, I belong to a people who relate more closely to Star Wars than to actual world events. &, as Star Wars scholars* are likely to point out, the rebellion against the Empire was not for a democracy but for a kind of Republican monarchy. & I don't mean Republican like the political party in America. You know what I mean. Even if you haven't seen the last three (ie, the first three) Star Wars movies. & you really shouldn't, they're awful.

I forget what point I was trying to make. Oh yeah. Americans, whose country was formed because of a rebellion, don't really pay too much attention to the rest of the world, & so the recent yearnings for democracy in the Middle East don't quite register as much, since there's a large chance they don't know where the Middle East is. It's East, right? Somewhere in the middle?

If the recent rebellions in Africa could have happened against the Emperor & his main thug Darth Vader, then, yeah! We'd get into it!

Self Help Radio aims to educate, but there's only so much one moderately entertaining radio show can do. At best it can perhaps join in on a zeitgeist here & there.

* If there is such a thing as a Star Wars scholar. & if not, why not?

On The Off Chance

Does anyone ever really find love at the Consumer Design Expo? Even now, in what many have called the 21st century? Our man on the street, Dodger Rails, filed this report:

Thank you, Grimace. The 47th Annual Contumely Design Expo has risen from the ashes of the 22nd Bi-Annual Snake & Knife Show here at the Metropolitan Deranged Civic Center & what a crowd has turned out then turned away today! While the doors opened at 8am, to the dulcet tunes of power-rock band Kansas & their "Dumps In The Wind," retailers' alarm clocks were not set properly for Daylight Savings Time & they arrived late en masse to find confused visitors setting fire to their empty booths. By the time the National Guard arrived, there was nothing more to burn, so the National Guard set themselves on fire. Mayor Charles Clueless spoke briefly to reporters outside his Hairless McMansion:

We express our condolences & deepest prayers to the men & women who were so bravely lost on this, the nightmarish misunderstanding of consequence, & we encourage those who were not able to commit arson today to please return to the new, improved Expo tomorrow or possibly Thursday once the police tape is removed.

But what of the recession-hit people who paid to park in this smoldering parking lot? What happens to them? Their children? Their pensions & pet insurance?

I guess I'm sad, I've always wanted to see the new designs of the new-fangled consumer, but I was stuck in traffic listening to drive-time radio, so I wouldn't have been able to attend anyway. Now can I have my dog back, kind sir?

Reporting somewhat live from outside the ruins of the city gates, this is Codger Nails for High Tone News. Back to you, Grimley.

Last Night's Trip To Outer Space

Yes! Self Help Radio's show about astronauts (astronauts!) is now available online for your cosmic listening pleasure!

Oh, were you not as excited about it as I am? Sorry about that.

Still, if you'd like to enjoy it, it's there for you to enjoy. The show is waiting for you at Mission Control which is self help radio dot net. The show is ninety minutes long, & it's in two mp3s of somewhat equivalent length, part one & part two. The playlist is below. Enjoy!

(part one)
"Apollo XI" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _Sugar Tax_
"Chicken Astronaut" Five Du-Tones _Shakin' Fit_
"Masked Astronaut" The Jet Black Berries _Sundown On Venus_
"Why Go Up There" Tom Glazer & Dottie Evans _Space Songs_

"Space Oddity" Langley Schools Music Project _Innocence & Despair_
"Rocket Man" Fastbacks _Super Fantastic Mega Smash Hits!_
"Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Spaceman" Harry Nilsson _Son Of Schmilsson_
"Cosmonaut" Riff Raff _The Chiswick Story_

"Astronaut" Versus _Dead Leaves_
"Astronauts" Desk _Astronauts 7"_

(part two)
"The Astronauts" Wan Light _Labrador 100: A Complete History of Popular Music_
"I Am An Astronaut" Snow Patrol _Colours Are Brighter_
"Son Of An Astronaut" Butterflies _Butterflies_
"When I'm An Astronaut" Louis Philippe _Appointment With Venus_

"Ghosts Of American Astronauts" Mekons _So Good It Hurts_
"My Cosmonaut" Three Finger Cowboy _Kissed_
"Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer: Chapter 219" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Space Race" Luke Vibert _Big Soup_
"Alan Bean" Hefner _Dead Media_

"A Day In Space" Ballboy _Club Anthems_

Next week's show is about rebels & rebellion. Is there something you want to hear? You can always write an email with requests &/or suggestions!

A Radio Show In Outer Space

Mission Control, this is Self Help Radio, prepared for take-off. Over.

That's right, Self Help Radio will be exploring astronauts tonight as it returns after a week's vacation, & we're hoping for clear skies over Cape Canaveral & a straight shot into the ether. That'll be midnight tonight, only on 88.1 fm in the town of Lexington, but you can track the flight anywhere in the world on the WRFL website in real time. Mission logs will be available for download tomorrow on self help radio dot net.

Is it easy to get drunk in zero gravity?

Whither Astronauts?

Lots of people - not enough, but a lot - make requests for themes for me to explore on the show. I might have previously complained about the more obvious themes people have suggested - songs about rain or cars or nouns - but I can't find a blog entry grumbling about it so I must have done it in private with you. Don't you remember?

For this week's show, the idea came a while back - maybe as far back as three years. My friend Leah, who works at KOOP Radio, & also does a fabulous show called Hip Hop Hooray, suggested that I do an astronaut show at some point before I left - & I left KOOP in 2008 - & I filed the idea away. It took a long time to make it from idear to radio show, but then again, look how long it took to get humans on the moon!

I also think that it's fun that I just visited with Leah in Austin this past week, & I'm about to do the show she requested. It's coincidental, I promise.

So the show is dedicated to Leah, who is, as far as I know, not an astronaut. But I wouldn't be surprised to discover otherwise!

Preface To Astronauts: First Deejay In Space!

An astronaut (from the Greek "astro," for star, & "naut," for sailor) is simply a person who has tried to sail the stars.

You may be surprised to know that over five hundred people have traveled in space. But only 24 have traveled beyond what is called "low Earth orbit," or beyond 100 - 1,240 miles above the Earth's surface. No one from Earth (that we can verify, anyway) has gone farther than the moon.

"Astronaut" & "cosmonaut" are synonyms. Some might disagree, saying that one is a capitalist & the other a communist. That seems so 1980s. Isn't everyone a capitalist now? Even the communists? I thought so.

Plans for a giant dance floor in space have so far not come to fruition, despite the advent of astronauts not trained by governments. Those astronauts are both capitalist & better-paid (probably) (who knows) (I don't really know) than government astronauts. That last sentence, I ought to really just delete it, because I made an assertion that just sort of spewed out my head onto this blog & didn't even make any sense when I wrote it. But having spent all this time - & three parenthetical expressions - talking about it, it seems weird to just give up on it. Kind of like the Space Program.

There are lots of space programs. I don't mean on the television. (There don't seem to be many of those being newly made these days.) I mean run by governments. Here's a colorful list. I hope more people get to go into space, but I'm not sure I'll be one of them.

I'd be scared of transporters, anyway.