That's all I'm saying. It's not an impossible thing & it's not something that's going to change lives. But if you have a rice cooker & you want to make good-for-you brown rice & not that boil-in-the-bag shit that takes five minutes, make sure you put the rice in time for the meal. Otherwise, the tensions between us may make us say dumb things.
Let's say, for example, that we normally eat at 7pm. That's a good time for eating & it's something we've done all the time throughout our relationship. The rice usually takes a little under an hour. Then make sure you put the rice in the cooker at 6. It's very simple. I might not be home at 6. If I'm home, I'll remember to put the rice in the cooker. If not, it's your responsibility.
What? I'm not being condescending here! Not like you are when you remind me to put rice in the cooker. If we eat rice with, let's say, half our meals, & if I cook most of our meals, then I will always remember to put the rice on. If the situation were reversed, if it were you would more than fifty percent of the time were the cook, I would totally understand your exasperation at me forgetting to put the rice on. Or maybe I wouldn't. But I wouldn't get so defensive & call me condescending when you reminded me.
Okay, maybe I would, but can you take my word that I did not mean to be condescending & just remember to put the rice on at 6? Do you realize how long we've been talking about this? Are you aware of how long we talk about tiny little quotidian activities & hardly if all about things that are really important to us? Does that worry you? Make you nervous? Frighten you?
Oh! You put the rice on! Thanks honey!
Friday, December 02, 2011
Thursday, December 01, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Three
I've been late in getting into the spirit of the A Joke A Day enterprise, but I've decided to stop being a snobby pants & write my own A Joke A Day "joke." & I did! It might be a little blue, but I think it could possibly slip through the inept filters they must use to edit out profanity & ethnic slurs if I don't "explain" the pun at the end like they usually do, assuming (perhaps rightly so) that the average A Joke A Day "joke" enjoyer has an IQ just a tad higher than the average floor lamp. Here, with the patented A Joke A Day Pointing Out The Obvious Parenthetical Remark (tm) at the end, is my submission for an A Joke A Day "joke":
Two men are standing next to each other at the urinals in a men's room.
Man One: I guess you come from the Old Country.
Man Two: Why would you say that?
Man One: Because European! (You're-a-peein'!)
What do you think? Ought I send it along?
Two men are standing next to each other at the urinals in a men's room.
Man One: I guess you come from the Old Country.
Man Two: Why would you say that?
Man One: Because European! (You're-a-peein'!)
What do you think? Ought I send it along?
Monday, November 28, 2011
Happy Magda Birthday!
I'm no fool. I know I married up. I know the day willcome when the lovely scientist who deigned to marry me realizes the error of her ways & kicks me to the curb. I plan to delay that dreadful moment as long as possible. For example, by publicly celebrating her birthday every year by talking about her on the radio & playing lots of ridiculous birthday songs for her around the time of her birthday. That buys me about three extra months - four if she's dozing when she's listening & I can add some post-hypnotic suggestions during the show. I highly recommend this process if you can do it: get a radio show & then dedicate one show a year to your spouse/sweetheart/honey/parole officer. It's amazing how much good will you bank.
Though Magda's birthday isn't until Thursday, I am only on the radio on Mondays, so today's show allowed her to celebrate her birthday starting now. The entire show is available as usual at self help radio dot net. The show is in two parts, both scary as a birthday clown, with part one on this plate & part one on this plate. The songs in the sections are below.
Happy birthday to Magda! Happy birthday to you!
(part one)
"A Child's First Birthday (Side One)" Frank Luther _A Child's First Birthday_
"Happy Birthday" Ronald McDonald _KIDS Radio Birthday Party_
"What Is This Thing Called?" Memphis _Here Comes A City_
"Birthday" Zuki _Black Noise Generator_
"Birthday Present" The Love Me Nots _Detroit_
"Birthday" Do The Robot _First Names_
"Birthday Present" The Love Me Nots _Detroit_
"Zum Geburtstag Viel Glück" The New York Stage Orchestra & Choir _Happy Birthday_
"Bad Birthday" Servotron _No Room For Humans_
"Happy Birthday" Weird Al Yankovic _"Weird" Al Yankovic_
"A Very Unhappy Birthday To You" Oscar The Grouch _Happy Birthday From Sesame Street_
(part two)
"Tippy The Wonder Dog: Gramps' Birthday" Bob & Ray _The Best Of Bob & Ray: Volume 4_
"Happy Birthday Momma" Bill Cosby _Disco Bill_
"A Child's First Birthday (Side Two)" Frank Luther _A Child's First Birthday_
"Happy Birthday Boogie" Louis Jordan _Let The Good Times Roll (1938-1954)_
"Happy Birthday" Georgio _Happy Birthday_
"Funky Birthday" Bobby McLaughlin _Funky Funky New Orleans 3_
"(It Must Be) Somebody's Birthday" Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players _Lost & Found_
"Existential Birthday" The Squares _Enjoy Yourself (& Others)_
"Jesus Came To My Birthday Party" The Middle East _I Want That You Are Always Happy_
"The Birthday Kiss" Jilted John _True Love Stories_
"Birthday Boy" The Takeover UK _Running With The Wasters_
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Whither Magda's Birthday 2011?
Once again, to save my marriage, I dress like a clown & play lots of birthday music for my wife.
Wait. Did I just say I dress like a clown on the radio? Yes. Yes I did.
You might not notice it. Me being on the radio & all. But she does. Believe it.
Listen to another crazy collection of birthday songs for the woman I love tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on WRFL Lexington. That's 88.1 fm on dial, or online at wrfl dot fm. If you're otherwise engaged, you can listen later when I put the show up at self help radio dot net. If you'd like.
Happy birthday to Magda! (Her birthday isn't until Thursday, I know, but work with me here.)
Wait. Did I just say I dress like a clown on the radio? Yes. Yes I did.
You might not notice it. Me being on the radio & all. But she does. Believe it.
Listen to another crazy collection of birthday songs for the woman I love tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on WRFL Lexington. That's 88.1 fm on dial, or online at wrfl dot fm. If you're otherwise engaged, you can listen later when I put the show up at self help radio dot net. If you'd like.
Happy birthday to Magda! (Her birthday isn't until Thursday, I know, but work with me here.)
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Preface To Magda's Birthday 2011: A Completely Unproven Theory About Prime Numbers & Age
I'm no Pythagorean - I don't really have any mystical or supernatural beliefs at all - but I do admire numbers in a kind of spiritual way. I'm especially fond of prime numbers, & I like the idea of there being primes going on into infinity. (Don't think about these things on drugs, kids. One time when I was doing a mind-expanding drug, I started to think about where negative numbers exist. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I had a string of negative numbers all around me for hours.)
I have no proof, not even from my own existence, but I like to believe that when your age is a prime number, it means it'll be a particularly good year. This of course goes against the goals set by society - it's when you're twelve, not eleven, that you can swim alone, & it's sixteen, not seventeen, when you can drive. & you can vote & drink at twenty-one, not nineteen or twenty-three. As I said, I have no evidence. I just like to think it.
This year, for example, my age is a prime number, & it's been a wonderful year - but so was last year, when I wasn't a prime number age, & the year before, when I was a prime number, I was trapped in horrible Huntington West Virginia. So, again, not a shred of anything to corroborate this - it's just something I like to think.
This week's show celebrates my lovely wife's birthday. She'll not be a prime number age but she's always happy so my stupid theory doesn't apply to her, or to anyone really.
The "prime age" idea does mean that you get less good years as you get older - but isn't that true anyway?
I have no proof, not even from my own existence, but I like to believe that when your age is a prime number, it means it'll be a particularly good year. This of course goes against the goals set by society - it's when you're twelve, not eleven, that you can swim alone, & it's sixteen, not seventeen, when you can drive. & you can vote & drink at twenty-one, not nineteen or twenty-three. As I said, I have no evidence. I just like to think it.
This year, for example, my age is a prime number, & it's been a wonderful year - but so was last year, when I wasn't a prime number age, & the year before, when I was a prime number, I was trapped in horrible Huntington West Virginia. So, again, not a shred of anything to corroborate this - it's just something I like to think.
This week's show celebrates my lovely wife's birthday. She'll not be a prime number age but she's always happy so my stupid theory doesn't apply to her, or to anyone really.
The "prime age" idea does mean that you get less good years as you get older - but isn't that true anyway?
Friday, November 25, 2011
Self Help 101: Do You Have Time For Time Management?
Note: This is a series of awkwardly written articles by the maker of Self Help Radio about popular self-help topics because he's getting all self-help-y after many years of mocking self-help with the title of his radio show. People, it's bad.
We are, as experts have noted, very busy. Oftentimes so busy we forget how busy we have been, & have yet to be. Studies have shown that busy people have a hard time prioritizing, preferring instead to fret &, during deadlines, to panic. If you haven't any time to manage your time, what good is time management to you? You would be surprised!
Along with watches, clocks & computers, the sun has been used as a time-keeping device for time immemorial. On cloudy days, ancient people would often rely upon the town's idiot savant, who could not clean himself but knew what time it was down to the second. (Once they invented the second.) In the days before the internet (also known as the Dark Ages), watchmakers & clockmakers & people who just said "tick tick tick bong!" all the time were employed in the never-ending battle between humanity & mortality. Mortality always won, but not before the people who just said "tick tick tick bong!" all the time passed on their secrets to their children.
Meanwhile the common folk, who were, even then, uncommonly busy (as experts have noted) tried to cram a day's worth of things to do into what was then roughly half the day we have now in the 21st century. If we are twice as busy as our ancestors, it stands to reason that our descendents will be sixteen times as sweaty, but luckily there will be science-fiction deodorants to help them out. What we can also leave to our offspring, besides our inappropriate genes, are tips to help them manage the time that they will have precious little of:
1) A handy list, made perhaps just after you've awakened in the morning or when you're on the crapper, will keep you sufficiently enraged during the day. Studies will one day show that the spiteful way one crosses one's duties off an infuriating list adds seconds if not minutes to one's miserable life.
2) Some corporations have asked hypnotists to induce their workers into powerfully suggestible states so that certain key words make them more productive during the day. (Or maybe I read that in a Harlan Ellison story.) Self-hypnosis is quite simple & can be accomplished during meals & during cuddling with a spouse or pet. One advantage of hypnotizing oneself is that you can actually train your mind to be anywhere else while you complete the task - like at a water slide, or in your favorite tailor's home.
3) Internet groups exist to badger, bully, & otherwise make you do your work with peer pressure & condescension. To add insult to injury, these groups often require you to pay for membership. While this may result in an increase in the sourness of your output, you are more likely to keep your job than when you kept falling asleep & drooling into the out-box.
4) Nothing livens up a day like the threat of violence! Some enterprising workers have hired goons to shadow them & beat them senseless if they are caught slacking off. While almost certainly not legal, & not recommended for masochists, this has brought goon-on-goon violence down to levels not seen since the 1930s.
5) It's all right to make excuses. Our brains are designed to make sure we're the hero of our own stories, so taking some time in the evening to blame others, including (of course) family, & to say things to oneself like, "I'm so ambitious that I overreached today. There was no way my grand plans could be accomplished in one day." This also entitles you to a congratulatory drink, or seven, at the end of one's day.
As someone who has the unenviable position of doing three hours of radio a week (imagine, that's 1/59th of the week!), I understand the need to manage time. While I hardly ever take any advice I have read on a blog, I hope these tips will make sure you are able to better manage what little time you have left on our dying planet.
We are, as experts have noted, very busy. Oftentimes so busy we forget how busy we have been, & have yet to be. Studies have shown that busy people have a hard time prioritizing, preferring instead to fret &, during deadlines, to panic. If you haven't any time to manage your time, what good is time management to you? You would be surprised!
Along with watches, clocks & computers, the sun has been used as a time-keeping device for time immemorial. On cloudy days, ancient people would often rely upon the town's idiot savant, who could not clean himself but knew what time it was down to the second. (Once they invented the second.) In the days before the internet (also known as the Dark Ages), watchmakers & clockmakers & people who just said "tick tick tick bong!" all the time were employed in the never-ending battle between humanity & mortality. Mortality always won, but not before the people who just said "tick tick tick bong!" all the time passed on their secrets to their children.
Meanwhile the common folk, who were, even then, uncommonly busy (as experts have noted) tried to cram a day's worth of things to do into what was then roughly half the day we have now in the 21st century. If we are twice as busy as our ancestors, it stands to reason that our descendents will be sixteen times as sweaty, but luckily there will be science-fiction deodorants to help them out. What we can also leave to our offspring, besides our inappropriate genes, are tips to help them manage the time that they will have precious little of:
1) A handy list, made perhaps just after you've awakened in the morning or when you're on the crapper, will keep you sufficiently enraged during the day. Studies will one day show that the spiteful way one crosses one's duties off an infuriating list adds seconds if not minutes to one's miserable life.
2) Some corporations have asked hypnotists to induce their workers into powerfully suggestible states so that certain key words make them more productive during the day. (Or maybe I read that in a Harlan Ellison story.) Self-hypnosis is quite simple & can be accomplished during meals & during cuddling with a spouse or pet. One advantage of hypnotizing oneself is that you can actually train your mind to be anywhere else while you complete the task - like at a water slide, or in your favorite tailor's home.
3) Internet groups exist to badger, bully, & otherwise make you do your work with peer pressure & condescension. To add insult to injury, these groups often require you to pay for membership. While this may result in an increase in the sourness of your output, you are more likely to keep your job than when you kept falling asleep & drooling into the out-box.
4) Nothing livens up a day like the threat of violence! Some enterprising workers have hired goons to shadow them & beat them senseless if they are caught slacking off. While almost certainly not legal, & not recommended for masochists, this has brought goon-on-goon violence down to levels not seen since the 1930s.
5) It's all right to make excuses. Our brains are designed to make sure we're the hero of our own stories, so taking some time in the evening to blame others, including (of course) family, & to say things to oneself like, "I'm so ambitious that I overreached today. There was no way my grand plans could be accomplished in one day." This also entitles you to a congratulatory drink, or seven, at the end of one's day.
As someone who has the unenviable position of doing three hours of radio a week (imagine, that's 1/59th of the week!), I understand the need to manage time. While I hardly ever take any advice I have read on a blog, I hope these tips will make sure you are able to better manage what little time you have left on our dying planet.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Two
Another dismal week for the A Joke A Day enterprise! There isn't a joke they won't retell - they actually offered a slight variation of a joke they've sent out previously in the past twenty-two weeks - nor an internet forward they won't re-re-re-re-re-share with us. (This week it was this list of hilarity dated 1998 but which was probably old then.)
There was, though, this particular "joke," which seemed to me an unusual entry, like something children might recite on the playground. Have a look (spelling errors & all):
Ladies and Gentlemen, hobos and tramps, cross eyed mosquitoes and bow legged ants, I stand before you yet sit right beside you to tell you a story I know nothing about. Admission is free; so pay at the door pull up a seat sit on the floor. One sunny day in the middle of the night to dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other drew there swords and shot each other a deaf policeman heard the noise, he went and killed those two dead boys. A blind man saw it all looking threw a knot in a brick wall, while talking to his wife on a disconnected telephone. If you don't believe this lie is true ask the other blind man he saw it too. He lives in a two-story house on a vacant lot.
& I was right! It's actually an old folk rhyme "collected from children in playgrounds since the middle of the 19th century" according to this folklore page. The verse is much more interesting & funny than the ineptly reproduced version above - toward the end it appears the person who submitted the "joke" even abandoned its rhyme scheme - & the back story is quite interesting.
I may have mentioned that the A Joke A Day folks classify their jokes - this week has included "animal jokes," "elderly jokes," "question/answer jokes," & the redundant "one-liners jokes." They classify this entry as "idiots jokes."
Doesn't it seem strange that people who operate a service called A Joke A Day have virtually no understanding of the "jokes" they're sending out?
There was, though, this particular "joke," which seemed to me an unusual entry, like something children might recite on the playground. Have a look (spelling errors & all):
Ladies and Gentlemen, hobos and tramps, cross eyed mosquitoes and bow legged ants, I stand before you yet sit right beside you to tell you a story I know nothing about. Admission is free; so pay at the door pull up a seat sit on the floor. One sunny day in the middle of the night to dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other drew there swords and shot each other a deaf policeman heard the noise, he went and killed those two dead boys. A blind man saw it all looking threw a knot in a brick wall, while talking to his wife on a disconnected telephone. If you don't believe this lie is true ask the other blind man he saw it too. He lives in a two-story house on a vacant lot.
& I was right! It's actually an old folk rhyme "collected from children in playgrounds since the middle of the 19th century" according to this folklore page. The verse is much more interesting & funny than the ineptly reproduced version above - toward the end it appears the person who submitted the "joke" even abandoned its rhyme scheme - & the back story is quite interesting.
I may have mentioned that the A Joke A Day folks classify their jokes - this week has included "animal jokes," "elderly jokes," "question/answer jokes," & the redundant "one-liners jokes." They classify this entry as "idiots jokes."
Doesn't it seem strange that people who operate a service called A Joke A Day have virtually no understanding of the "jokes" they're sending out?
Monday, November 21, 2011
Feel Good Radio
Self Help Radio has never been accused of making anyone feel good, but this week the show featured testimonials in song by musicians & performers who were not afraid to record their emotional state (spoiler alert: they all feel good) on wax or tape for me to play on the radio. If the show makes you feel good, I think that's swell, but that's just a happy side effect & not what the show promises. (That should keep me safe from lawyers!)
There are two sides to feeling good: feeling good & feeling well. The show explores those two sides (not really, but this is my attempt at cleverly separating the two parts). The "feel good" side is right here, while the "feel well" side is right here. Check with the handy list below to see what songs are played when & where.
(part one)
"You Make Me Feel So Good" Chips _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Feeling Good" Nina Simone _Four Women: The Nina Simone Philips Recordings_
"Good Feeling Blues" Rufus & Ben Quillian (Blue Harmony Boys) _Hokum, Blues & Rags_
"I Feel Good All Over" The Come Ons _The Come Ons_
"Feel So Good" Spacemen 3 _Sound Of Confusion_
"I Feel Good (I Feel Bad)" Lewis & Clark Expedition _Hey! Look What I Found Vol. 7_
"Feel So Good" Toots & The Maytals _From The Roots_
"I Feel Good" Dirtbombs _If You Don't Already Have A Look_
"I Got You (I Feel Good)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Felt So Good" The Free Design _One By One_
"I Feel So Good" Maurice King & His Wolverines with Ruby Jackson _The OKeh Rhythm & Blues Story_
"I Feel Good" Sippie Wallace _Louis Armstrong & The Blues Singers_
(part two)
"I Feel So Good" Brownie McGhee & The Jook Block Busters _The Best Of Harlem/Jax Records Vol. 2_
"I Feel So Good" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _B-Sides & Rarities_
"You Make Me Feel So Good" Book Of Love _Book Of Love_
"Here We Go!" Arling & Cameron _All-In_
"It's Such A Good Feeling" Mister Rogers _Bedtime_
"Good Feeling" Violent Femmes _Violent Femmes_
"I Feel So Good" Richard Thompson _Rumor & Sigh_
"You Make Me Feel Good" The Zombies _The Collection_
"Feels So Good" The Hardy Boys _Here Come The Hardy Boys_
"I Feel Good" Shirley & Lee _Loud, Fast & Out Of Control: The Wild Sounds Of '50s Rock_
"I Feel Good All Over" Betty Lavette _Bluesoul Belles_
"Good Feeling" Bettye Scott & The Delvettes _Funk Soul Sisters_
"Feel Good" Michelle Wiley _The Wants List, Vol. 3: 17 Classic, In-Demand & Rare Grooves_
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Whither Feeling Good?
This is the first Self Help Radio show suggested by a listener here in Lexington! I wish I could remember his name. His show idea superseded a show I had been doing on Thanksgiving weekends for many moons - for five years, in fact, from 2006 to 2007. I called it "Dysfunctional Family Holidays" & I played lots of songs about our screwed-up relationships.
It just seemed like the Monday before Thanksgiving was too early to do that this time around. There are a plethora of songs about this subject - we all come from a family that has weirdos in it - so I am sad to abandon a "perennial." But the Self Help Radio year will come to an end with shows I always do at the end of the year, so it won't be missed.
(Oh I know, I flatter myself that anything Self Help Radio related could be "missed"!)
A friendly listener suggested a theme that was perhaps "things that make you feel good." I heard "feel good" & thought, "Aha! A show about elation!" But really it's just songs about feeling good for whatever reason. Instead of things that might make a person feel good. I cut to the chase. Left out the things, left in the good feelings.
It may make you feel good if you listen. It's at 7:30 am tomorrow morning (that's Monday) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen online here or there at wrfl dot fm. It makes me feel good to share my shows online & so I shall tomorrow afternoon, at the regular place, self help radio dot net.
It just seemed like the Monday before Thanksgiving was too early to do that this time around. There are a plethora of songs about this subject - we all come from a family that has weirdos in it - so I am sad to abandon a "perennial." But the Self Help Radio year will come to an end with shows I always do at the end of the year, so it won't be missed.
(Oh I know, I flatter myself that anything Self Help Radio related could be "missed"!)
A friendly listener suggested a theme that was perhaps "things that make you feel good." I heard "feel good" & thought, "Aha! A show about elation!" But really it's just songs about feeling good for whatever reason. Instead of things that might make a person feel good. I cut to the chase. Left out the things, left in the good feelings.
It may make you feel good if you listen. It's at 7:30 am tomorrow morning (that's Monday) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen online here or there at wrfl dot fm. It makes me feel good to share my shows online & so I shall tomorrow afternoon, at the regular place, self help radio dot net.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Preface To Feeling Good: Feeling Bad
It's true, I feel awful today. I'm not sick, I pulled a muscle in my back, underneath my right shoulder, a muscle which the wife calls a "rhomboid" even though you know & I know a rhomboid is "a parallelogram in which adjacent sides are of unequal lengths & angles are oblique." How could a geometric figure - a two-dimensional one at that - be causing me pain in my back? Is she calling me two-dimensional? Or just my poor old back?
I understand this is one of the consequences of getting old. You overextend & spend the next few days smelling like Ben Gay. It reminds me of a Louis CK bit...
I am waiting for the wife to come home so I can spend the day whining in bed.
What? I have to be one hundred percent for the radio show. Otherwise I'm complaining to YOU for ninety minutes. You see.
I understand this is one of the consequences of getting old. You overextend & spend the next few days smelling like Ben Gay. It reminds me of a Louis CK bit...
I am waiting for the wife to come home so I can spend the day whining in bed.
What? I have to be one hundred percent for the radio show. Otherwise I'm complaining to YOU for ninety minutes. You see.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Self Help 101: Putting Off Talking About Procrastination
Note: This is a series of awkwardly written articles by the maker of Self Help Radio about popular self-help topics because he's getting all self-help-y after many years of mocking self-help with the title of his radio show. People, it's bad.
In daily life, as in weekly life, we as people have things to do. This is as true now as it was yesterday, & in fact the process is cumulative, so now we have more things to do today than we did yesterday, especially if we didn't do anything yesterday except try to catch up on television shows we forgot we had saved in our DVR & now because of that we missed last night's Community god damn it.
Scientists & late-night talk show hosts call this process "procrastination," & while there is no "amateur crastination," nor are we to believe there are people who are "anti-crastination," the definition we have come to know & love is "the act of postponing, delaying or putting off, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness." It is certainly an ugly definition, especially for people such as me, whose carelessness is not in the slightest habitual, & whose laziness can be excused by a note from my doctor.
The thing is, I don't want to talk about procrastination right now. I'm just not ready. I thought I was ready but then I had a long conversation with my cats about cheese that took up the entire morning. (By the way, my cats, who love cheese, are especially critical of my veganism, although at least two of them approve of Daiya, which is a vegan cheese & not a weird feline martial arts regimen.)
I also don't think you want to talk about procrastination right now. It's too personal, isn't it? It hits home. If we have to talk about procrastination, we might as well also talk about our mothers, & no one wants to do that, not even our mothers. No, there are more important topics in the self-help realm than procrastination, & sure we might think it's vaguely amusing that we're procrastinating about procrastination, we certainly didn't plan it that way. It's just that there are other things we're planning to do before we get around to this.
What other things? I'm glad you asked!
1) I was thinking of getting a label gun. They probably have really fancy ones now. I bet there's a bored college graduate at my local Office Place who'd love to stare blankly at me at this very moment while trying to remember if they stock label guns or not.
2) Do you remember how excited I was about that book I recently bought? I'm still pretty excited about it. If I get some time this afternoon I can totally read it. I don't remember what it is, of course, but it's sitting on the top of the bookshelf so I can get it down & crack it open. That's what.
3) We're out of pickles. That's just not acceptable.
4) I remember there were some links to cute things on the web I need to look at. They are in fact adding cute things all the time. Sometimes, when I am staring at a cute thing, I can hit "refresh" on my browser & suddenly there are more cute things. & you want to keep hitting "refresh." You want to.
5) If I must, yard work. The leaves that have not already blown into the neighbor's yard, I understand, are mine to rake.
If it's all the same to you, we can talk about procrastination another time. When? I'll get back to you. Let's just say: when you & I simply have nothing else better to do.
In daily life, as in weekly life, we as people have things to do. This is as true now as it was yesterday, & in fact the process is cumulative, so now we have more things to do today than we did yesterday, especially if we didn't do anything yesterday except try to catch up on television shows we forgot we had saved in our DVR & now because of that we missed last night's Community god damn it.
Scientists & late-night talk show hosts call this process "procrastination," & while there is no "amateur crastination," nor are we to believe there are people who are "anti-crastination," the definition we have come to know & love is "the act of postponing, delaying or putting off, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness." It is certainly an ugly definition, especially for people such as me, whose carelessness is not in the slightest habitual, & whose laziness can be excused by a note from my doctor.
The thing is, I don't want to talk about procrastination right now. I'm just not ready. I thought I was ready but then I had a long conversation with my cats about cheese that took up the entire morning. (By the way, my cats, who love cheese, are especially critical of my veganism, although at least two of them approve of Daiya, which is a vegan cheese & not a weird feline martial arts regimen.)
I also don't think you want to talk about procrastination right now. It's too personal, isn't it? It hits home. If we have to talk about procrastination, we might as well also talk about our mothers, & no one wants to do that, not even our mothers. No, there are more important topics in the self-help realm than procrastination, & sure we might think it's vaguely amusing that we're procrastinating about procrastination, we certainly didn't plan it that way. It's just that there are other things we're planning to do before we get around to this.
What other things? I'm glad you asked!
1) I was thinking of getting a label gun. They probably have really fancy ones now. I bet there's a bored college graduate at my local Office Place who'd love to stare blankly at me at this very moment while trying to remember if they stock label guns or not.
2) Do you remember how excited I was about that book I recently bought? I'm still pretty excited about it. If I get some time this afternoon I can totally read it. I don't remember what it is, of course, but it's sitting on the top of the bookshelf so I can get it down & crack it open. That's what.
3) We're out of pickles. That's just not acceptable.
4) I remember there were some links to cute things on the web I need to look at. They are in fact adding cute things all the time. Sometimes, when I am staring at a cute thing, I can hit "refresh" on my browser & suddenly there are more cute things. & you want to keep hitting "refresh." You want to.
5) If I must, yard work. The leaves that have not already blown into the neighbor's yard, I understand, are mine to rake.
If it's all the same to you, we can talk about procrastination another time. When? I'll get back to you. Let's just say: when you & I simply have nothing else better to do.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Twenty-One
I've mentioned before that the A Joke A Day people don't want to single out any person as the average "stupid person" in the stupid person joke. At the University Of Texas, & even when I was growing up, the default stupid person was an Aggie, the nickname of a student at Texas A&M, a university situated in a parking lot called College Station, Texas. A&M stands for Agricultural & Mechanical, as the name of the school used to be the Agricultural & Mechanical College of Texas. "Aggie" is short for Agricultural. It's actually a little more affectionate than "Longhorn," which is what I suppose students at the University Of Texas are called.
By the way, "Aggie" is used as a diminutive for many other schools in the US, but I am referring to Texas A&M students. I don't know if Aggies from, let's say, UC-Davis in California get as bad a rap.
On the world stage, it seems the nationality most singled out for rampant stupidity is the Polish. I married a woman whose parents are Polish, & she seems to have embraced this stereotype in a charmingly self-effacing way. But I'm sure there are others who hate jokes about their heritage.
Anyway, the A Joke A Day people don't want to insult Aggies or Poles & so have invented a "non-existent" person called an "Antartian" who, they say, is "someone who lives in ignorance when knowledge is available. He persists in error without correction, & represents us all when we make a really big mistake. The person who has always been used as the stereotype for stupidity."
(Don't believe me? They define it here. Apparently they don't mind offending folks with big front teeth & who have jaundice.)
This week's A Joke A Day had sample Antartian joke. You can fit your own preferred stereotype in to make it more flavorful for you. I confess I found it kinda funny.
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
The rest of the week was filled with jokes that have been passed around the internet for twenty years & seemed as tired as a fourteen-year-old hound dog. Oh, also this bon mot: You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.
Ha ha ha it's funny because it's zzzzzzzzzz.
By the way, "Aggie" is used as a diminutive for many other schools in the US, but I am referring to Texas A&M students. I don't know if Aggies from, let's say, UC-Davis in California get as bad a rap.
On the world stage, it seems the nationality most singled out for rampant stupidity is the Polish. I married a woman whose parents are Polish, & she seems to have embraced this stereotype in a charmingly self-effacing way. But I'm sure there are others who hate jokes about their heritage.
Anyway, the A Joke A Day people don't want to insult Aggies or Poles & so have invented a "non-existent" person called an "Antartian" who, they say, is "someone who lives in ignorance when knowledge is available. He persists in error without correction, & represents us all when we make a really big mistake. The person who has always been used as the stereotype for stupidity."
(Don't believe me? They define it here. Apparently they don't mind offending folks with big front teeth & who have jaundice.)
This week's A Joke A Day had sample Antartian joke. You can fit your own preferred stereotype in to make it more flavorful for you. I confess I found it kinda funny.
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
The rest of the week was filled with jokes that have been passed around the internet for twenty years & seemed as tired as a fourteen-year-old hound dog. Oh, also this bon mot: You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.
Ha ha ha it's funny because it's zzzzzzzzzz.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Inside The Outside Show
Self Help Radio broadcasting from outside! Well, not outside. I promised my mom I wouldn't do a radio show in the cold. & it wasn't really cold. It was windy, though. I didn't want leaves blowing into my face. I promised my mom. So I did do a show about outside inside. But I had a window open!
Also, like most Self Help Radio shows, it looks better on the outside. Sorry about that.
One side of the outside is right here while another side of the outside is over here. What's in each side is listed below. Also: let's just say this show is best enjoyed outside. Why not?
(one side)
"Everybody, Come Outside!" Pomegranates _Everybody, Come Outside!_
"Go Outside" Cults _Cults_
"You Outside" Dave Justin _Circus Days Vol. 6_
"Wenn's Draußen Grün Wird" Manfred Krug _Ein Hauch Von Frühling_
"On The Outside Looking In" Flanagan & Allen _Underneath The Arches: 24 Favourite Songs_
"Join The World Outside" Carol & Sherry _The Girls Of Rare Rockin' Records_
"Outside World" XTC _Drums & Wires_
"Outside Inside" Markley _A Group_
"Inside, Outside, Upside Down" Sonny Childe _Inside, Outside, Upside Down_
"Baby, It's Cold Outside (with Homer & Jethro)" June Carter _Keep On The Sunny Side_
"It's Cold Outside" The Choir _Box Of Trash: Pebbles Box_
"Baby It's Cold Outside" Pezband _Poptopia! Power Pop Classics Of The '70s_
(another side)
"Come Outside" Mike Sarne _Hey! Look What I Found, Vol. 3_
"Wake Up, Jimmy (Something's Happening Outside)" Montage _Montage_
"I'm On The Outside Looking In" Eddie Holland _The Complete Motown Singles: 1963_
"Outside City Limits" Cashelles _Here's A Song! (You Might Have Missed) Vol. 8_
"Outside Of Memphis" DeDe Turner Happening _Eccentric Soul: The Young Disciples_
"Outside The Record Hop (Trying To Get In)" The Five Du-Tones _Chicago Twine Time_
"Outside Of A Small Circle Of Friends" Phil Ochs _Pleasures Of The Harbor_
"Outsider" The Ramones _Subterranean Jungle_
"Outside My Door" Can _Monster Movie_
"Inside Outside" Good Idea _Quagmire, Vol. 6_
"Outside Chance" The Turtles _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_
"Inside The Outside" Love & Rockets _Seventh Dream Of Teenage Heaven_
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Whither Outside?
How much time do you spend outside? If you're most Americans (& I don't imagine you are), you spend less than two hours a day outside. (I'm supposing this is on average.) By way of comparison, the average American between the ages of 18 & 35 spends twice as much time on his or her computer every day, & a little more than that watching the TV. (Some youngsters, of course, now watch the TV on their computer. Are pollsters aware of that?)
I confess I am the average American & I spend around two hours a day outside, usually walking the dogs. But on bad weather days I don't go outside at all. But this episode of Self Help Radio will change all that! I'm sure of it.
Self Help Radio's paean to "outside" airs tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. Not in Lexington? You can listen online at wrfl dot fm. Not awake at that time? Listen later tomorrow at self help radio dot net.
I may even be doing the show outside!
I confess I am the average American & I spend around two hours a day outside, usually walking the dogs. But on bad weather days I don't go outside at all. But this episode of Self Help Radio will change all that! I'm sure of it.
Self Help Radio's paean to "outside" airs tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. Not in Lexington? You can listen online at wrfl dot fm. Not awake at that time? Listen later tomorrow at self help radio dot net.
I may even be doing the show outside!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Preface To Outside: Baby, It's Cold Inside
It is getting cold outside here in Kentucky, where the trees have almost dropped all their leaves on my lawn. Soon enough it'll be full-blown winter, which very rarely happened in Texas, & of course when it did, everyone in Texas freaked out. Here in Kentucky, drivers just double-down on their already horrible driving.
But does it follow that if it's cold outside, it should also be cold inside? It does if you live with cheapskates! Yes, my animals, who also pay the rent, take advantage of my lack of fur to keep the home even cooler in the winter than they do in the summer. (In the summer, they're hot, you know, since they're covered in fur.)
There's a lot of taunting - they call me "thumbs," mocking my hands, which they really envy - & one very cold December night they got me drunk & convinced me that I needed to shave all my hair off to make way for my "winter fur." Never never never trust a giggly beagle with a razor.
My animals are assholes.
But does it follow that if it's cold outside, it should also be cold inside? It does if you live with cheapskates! Yes, my animals, who also pay the rent, take advantage of my lack of fur to keep the home even cooler in the winter than they do in the summer. (In the summer, they're hot, you know, since they're covered in fur.)
There's a lot of taunting - they call me "thumbs," mocking my hands, which they really envy - & one very cold December night they got me drunk & convinced me that I needed to shave all my hair off to make way for my "winter fur." Never never never trust a giggly beagle with a razor.
My animals are assholes.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Self Help 101: The Stinky Personality Syndrome
Note: This is a series of awkwardly written articles by the maker of Self Help Radio about popular self-help topics because he's getting all self-help-y after many years of mocking self-help with the title of his radio show. People, it's bad.
You've met the people I'm going to talk about. The geneticists. The people who know who B.F. Skinner is. The people who watched Star Trek & think DNA is magical. They're all the same. They say, "You are who you are." They say, "The environment is at best a mitigating factor because you are born to be the person you were born as to be." They say, "It doesn't matter if your mother locked you in a closet for the first eleven years of your life, you were destined to be a mediocre deejay." (No relation.)
But to this we can say hogwash! We can change, & not just our hair, our jobs, & our opinion about sports teams. We can change our stinky personalities. We can. I swear.
By change I may mean "tweak." But surely something is better than nothing, right?
At the outset we must admit that it's not easy. Despite how delicious antidepressants are, they cannot change your personality. So stop calling your ex. Seriously. No, change is difficult & I will understand right now if you'd prefer to just order a pizza because sometimes a pizza is better than your life. Most of the time. Pizza is just so good.
Here are a few tips I've read about over the years which I am absolutely certain will help change your personality or your money back. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery:
1) Be more positive. Remember, a positive is noted by a "plus" sign. "Plus" signs are good. An A+ is better than an A. A-Positive blood is preferred by vampires over regular old A. The positive side of a C cell battery delivers a more sensual shock to the tongue when licked. Get rid of your electrons & make yourself more positive. & like attracts like!
2) People like passion. Get excited by things, but make sure it's not in a creepy way. If you're excited by something & it seems to other people that's you're drunk, that's creepy. Also, too much passion may be mistaken for religious fervor, & religious fervor costs you ten percent of your income at the door. Just saying.
3) Keep a stiff upper lip. That's an idiom for "be brave." When I was first developing this course, the attendees thought I meant for them to inject botox into their upper lips. I didn't mean that then & I don't mean that now. But they were quite brave in the way they recovered almost twenty percent of the use of their upper lips.
4) Choose the one emotional trait you'd like to improve & stick with it. Take, for example, serenity. Aren't serene people a little annoying? Wouldn't you like to just give them a shove & push them over? Just knock them on their ass. They look really surprised. You won't be able to stop laughing. & when they get back up, knock them over again. It's just as funny the second time. The third time, though, not so much.
Just a quick note: many people have written me letters since I first started writing this that there are some people they've met who don't have a stinky personality. To that I also say hogwash! Those you have met, obviously, are people who have no personality at all.
You've met the people I'm going to talk about. The geneticists. The people who know who B.F. Skinner is. The people who watched Star Trek & think DNA is magical. They're all the same. They say, "You are who you are." They say, "The environment is at best a mitigating factor because you are born to be the person you were born as to be." They say, "It doesn't matter if your mother locked you in a closet for the first eleven years of your life, you were destined to be a mediocre deejay." (No relation.)
But to this we can say hogwash! We can change, & not just our hair, our jobs, & our opinion about sports teams. We can change our stinky personalities. We can. I swear.
By change I may mean "tweak." But surely something is better than nothing, right?
At the outset we must admit that it's not easy. Despite how delicious antidepressants are, they cannot change your personality. So stop calling your ex. Seriously. No, change is difficult & I will understand right now if you'd prefer to just order a pizza because sometimes a pizza is better than your life. Most of the time. Pizza is just so good.
Here are a few tips I've read about over the years which I am absolutely certain will help change your personality or your money back. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery:
1) Be more positive. Remember, a positive is noted by a "plus" sign. "Plus" signs are good. An A+ is better than an A. A-Positive blood is preferred by vampires over regular old A. The positive side of a C cell battery delivers a more sensual shock to the tongue when licked. Get rid of your electrons & make yourself more positive. & like attracts like!
2) People like passion. Get excited by things, but make sure it's not in a creepy way. If you're excited by something & it seems to other people that's you're drunk, that's creepy. Also, too much passion may be mistaken for religious fervor, & religious fervor costs you ten percent of your income at the door. Just saying.
3) Keep a stiff upper lip. That's an idiom for "be brave." When I was first developing this course, the attendees thought I meant for them to inject botox into their upper lips. I didn't mean that then & I don't mean that now. But they were quite brave in the way they recovered almost twenty percent of the use of their upper lips.
4) Choose the one emotional trait you'd like to improve & stick with it. Take, for example, serenity. Aren't serene people a little annoying? Wouldn't you like to just give them a shove & push them over? Just knock them on their ass. They look really surprised. You won't be able to stop laughing. & when they get back up, knock them over again. It's just as funny the second time. The third time, though, not so much.
Just a quick note: many people have written me letters since I first started writing this that there are some people they've met who don't have a stinky personality. To that I also say hogwash! Those you have met, obviously, are people who have no personality at all.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Twenty
Wow! Twenty of these! & the hits keep coming.
I have mentioned before how the folks at the A Joke A Day mailing list pride themselves on not being offensive. Humor is, after all, a very safe thing. Just ask Lenny Bruce.
I'm not sure how one who has or has had a loved one stricken with this devastating condition might feel about this particular "joke," from Saturday:
What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s diseased [sic]?
You keep meeting new friends.
This illustrates, to me, the fundamental problem with the A Joke A Day philosophy: "Score big at your next gathering, cocktail or sales appointment with politically-correct jokes. The best & freshest clean jokes in the world! A Joke a Day guarantees to keep all jokes & humor clean." (Emphasis mine.)
Should jokes be "politically correct"? Should they be "clean"? She these things trump editing & spell-checking? (Apparently the last is a "yes.")
Is making fun of a horrible affliction in which people watch their loved ones turn into strangers, people whom they knew as smart & funny & insightful, suddenly forgetting everything, even them, sometimes wandering off, sometimes angry & frightened, is making fun of that "politically correct"?
The dumbshits at the A Joke A Day mailing list have backed themselves into a corner. They want every joke to be as "clean" as a bon mot from Miss Manners, but humor isn't like that. A lot of what is funny is funny because it's outrageous, &/or contains painful truths that people don't usually articulate.
The occasional offensive joke slipped past the A Joke A Day nimrods reveals, I think, the philosophical bankruptcy of the entire enterprise - & it demonstrates in stark relief why most of the A Joke A Day jokes are not, in fact, jokes after all.
Inbox padding, I suppose, but jokes? Nah.
I have mentioned before how the folks at the A Joke A Day mailing list pride themselves on not being offensive. Humor is, after all, a very safe thing. Just ask Lenny Bruce.
I'm not sure how one who has or has had a loved one stricken with this devastating condition might feel about this particular "joke," from Saturday:
What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s diseased [sic]?
You keep meeting new friends.
This illustrates, to me, the fundamental problem with the A Joke A Day philosophy: "Score big at your next gathering, cocktail or sales appointment with politically-correct jokes. The best & freshest clean jokes in the world! A Joke a Day guarantees to keep all jokes & humor clean." (Emphasis mine.)
Should jokes be "politically correct"? Should they be "clean"? She these things trump editing & spell-checking? (Apparently the last is a "yes.")
Is making fun of a horrible affliction in which people watch their loved ones turn into strangers, people whom they knew as smart & funny & insightful, suddenly forgetting everything, even them, sometimes wandering off, sometimes angry & frightened, is making fun of that "politically correct"?
The dumbshits at the A Joke A Day mailing list have backed themselves into a corner. They want every joke to be as "clean" as a bon mot from Miss Manners, but humor isn't like that. A lot of what is funny is funny because it's outrageous, &/or contains painful truths that people don't usually articulate.
The occasional offensive joke slipped past the A Joke A Day nimrods reveals, I think, the philosophical bankruptcy of the entire enterprise - & it demonstrates in stark relief why most of the A Joke A Day jokes are not, in fact, jokes after all.
Inbox padding, I suppose, but jokes? Nah.
Monday, November 07, 2011
The Show One Wears Like A Shirt
At long last, come to radio, a hard-hitting, potentially insightful, oftentimes pedantic look at those scourges of our upper bodies: shirts! Have you felt oppressed by your shirt? How about your socks? Well, don't think about your socks - this show is about shirts! Is it possible your deejay did not wear a shirt during this show? How about you? Would you be brave enough to listen to a show about shirts shirtlessly? This is your future we are talking about, friend.
This show was made of a cotton/polyester blend, & washing instructions are on the tag. The shirt is on display at the Self Help Radio website. The front of the show can be scrutinized here, & the back of the show can be admired here. The designs of the shirt are listed below.
Only you can decide how you feel about the tyranny of the shirt.
(front)
"Shirt" The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band _Tadpoles_
"Shirt Scene" Marc Riley & The Creepers _Shadow Figure 12"_
"Cambric Shirt" Bruce Hutton _Roll Back The Carpet_
"I Love My Shirt" Donovan _Pied Piper_
"Keep Your Shirt On John (with Hal Lone Pine)" Betty Cody _The Successful Hillbilly Era Of Betty Cody_
"Blue Jeans & A Boy's Shirt" Glen Glenn _Glen Rocks_
"Your Shirt Tail's Out" Hot Lips Page _1946-1950_
"The Boy In The Butterfly Shirt" Damien Youth _Strangest Hits Vol. 2_
"Brown Shirt" Yeah Yeah Noh _When I Am A Big Girl_
"T-Shirt Weather" The Lucksmiths _Where Were We?_
"Let's Make T-Shirts" State Broadcasters _The Ship & The Iceberg_
"No One Notices Your Brand New T-Shirt" Raymond & Maria _No One Notices Your Brand New T-Shirt_
(back)
"Rubinoos T-Shirt" Hormones In Abundance _Hit Music Only_
"Nurse's T-Shirt, Kid's T-Shirt" Todd Barry _From Heaven_
"The Little Shirt My Mother Made For Me" Marty Robbins _Just Me & My Guitar_
"Green Shirt" Elvis Costello _Armed Forces_
"Blue Shirt" The Colours _Behind The Banana Curtain_
"The Hairshirt" REM _Green_
"Brother Bill (The Last Clean Shirt)" T-Bone Walker _Very Rare_
"The Boy In The Paisley Shirt" Television Personalities _They Could Have Been Bigger Than The Beatles_
"Me & My Paisley Shirt" Me & Dean Martin _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Volume 3_
"Paisley Shirt" Baby Doll Lounge _Welcome To The Wetherbeat Scene 1988 - 1991_
"Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl)" Haircut 100 _Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl)_
"Shirt" Menomena _I Am the Fun Blame Monster! B-Sides!_
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Whither Shirts?
I am exhausted. But I can keep my shirt on. We had a housewarming party last night - we bought a new house in August - & when I say "we" I mean my cats & my wife - but it's only recently become cold enough to need a housewarming - & as I write this I'm not even done with this week's show. I know.
There will be lots of songs about shirts & some frank shirt talk tomorrow, from 7:30 to 9am on WRFL Lexington, 88.1 fm. If you're not in town, or you're somehow shirtless, you can listen to the show on wrfl dot fm. & I'll have the short washed & pressed in time to wear it later in the day at self help radio dot net.
I know, why a show about shirts? Well, why not?
There will be lots of songs about shirts & some frank shirt talk tomorrow, from 7:30 to 9am on WRFL Lexington, 88.1 fm. If you're not in town, or you're somehow shirtless, you can listen to the show on wrfl dot fm. & I'll have the short washed & pressed in time to wear it later in the day at self help radio dot net.
I know, why a show about shirts? Well, why not?
Saturday, November 05, 2011
Preface To Shirts: If I Have To Be Skins, I'm Going Home
"Shirts versus Skins (or Shirts & Skins)," says the Wikipedia, "is a common form of denoting team affiliations in an informal sports game; typically when played on a public court or park. The practice involves the members of one team wearing shirts while the other does not. This is used in the absence of uniforms."
There's also apparently a band called Shirts Vs. Skins, though I've never heard their music.
I also happened to find this poll which "explores male shirtlessness in sports particularly in team sports or other group sports where guys are only involved," & that sounds a little gay.
I never thought of it as gay when I was a kid, but I hated shirts vs. skins games, & don't remember ever taking my shirt off when a shirts vs. skins game was played so I either a) didn't play in those games or b) managed to weasel my way onto the shirts team (which was also probably the losing team, full of guys too self-conscious to take their shirts off) (how awful was it that we were self-conscious at an early age) so I didn't have to take my shirt off.
The weird thing is, I'm pretty sure we had shirts vs. skins games in middle school gym class. I think perhaps the coaches who taught P.E. would choose the teams so that the fat kids & the deformed kids & whoever else didn't want to take their shirts off were put into the same team. I don't remember having any mean P.E. teachers in middle school. The really mean apparently taught in high school.
There's also apparently a band called Shirts Vs. Skins, though I've never heard their music.
I also happened to find this poll which "explores male shirtlessness in sports particularly in team sports or other group sports where guys are only involved," & that sounds a little gay.
I never thought of it as gay when I was a kid, but I hated shirts vs. skins games, & don't remember ever taking my shirt off when a shirts vs. skins game was played so I either a) didn't play in those games or b) managed to weasel my way onto the shirts team (which was also probably the losing team, full of guys too self-conscious to take their shirts off) (how awful was it that we were self-conscious at an early age) so I didn't have to take my shirt off.
The weird thing is, I'm pretty sure we had shirts vs. skins games in middle school gym class. I think perhaps the coaches who taught P.E. would choose the teams so that the fat kids & the deformed kids & whoever else didn't want to take their shirts off were put into the same team. I don't remember having any mean P.E. teachers in middle school. The really mean apparently taught in high school.
Friday, November 04, 2011
Self Help 101: Self-Reinvention
Note: This is a series of awkwardly written articles by the maker of Self Help Radio about popular self-help topics because he's getting all self-help-y after many years of mocking self-help with the title of his radio show. People, it's bad.
You are unhappy. So what? So am I. What do I care? But what if I do care? Can I speak to you in generalities that may soothe your inner turmoil with only slightly concealed condescension? Is that what you want? All right then!
Imagine you have a nice house, or any permanent place to stay at all. & maybe a relationship although you're pretty sure your so-called "partner" has cheated on you, even once with someone who works at a bike shop. A bike shop! Do you spend a lot of time daydreaming about being someone else, like someone whose antipsychotic drugs work most of the time & who can afford a semi-automatic weapon?
Whoa there Gloomy Gus! What if you're actually projecting into the world your own unhappiness? Wouldn't you just continue to be sad, even after you got a nice Walther P99 & figured out how to load it? Of course you would. Because it's not the world you hate: it's yourself. It's time for what we in the self-help trade call "re-invention."
Here are five ways to re-invent yourself that I just made up but which totally sound like they'd work:
1) Start talking in an English accent. Don't be all goofy & attempt to say things like British people would - like "telly" for "television" or "biscuits" for "food" - but instead use the limited vocabulary you've always had. It's not an affectation; it's a re-invention. (This could work with other accents, too, although an Australian accent would be annoying.)
2) Think like a jogger. This is handy because it doesn't require you to act like a jogger, which involves running & sweating & long hours wasted running & sweating. What does it mean to think like a jogger? I don't know, I'm not a jogger. But some joggers seem to have it all together.
3) Realize that you are powerless over your addiction, that your life had become unmanageable. Oh, no, wait, that's the first step of the 12 Step Program. Sorry about that.
4) If you find yourself often fleeing in terror, see if there are other emotions in which you can flee instead. Fleeing in amusement, for example, is easier on your heart & might actually be charming. Fleeing in hatred might have saved your last relationship, or at the very least prolonged it long enough so you'd have a date for your cousin's wedding.
5) Try a new salad dressing. What could it hurt?
As you can imagine, there are many web sites & books on self-re-invention. None of them work but mine. I know, some of them say the same thing on their jackets, but who are you going to believe, some person who's taken the time to write a whole book full of ways to re-invent yourself they've made up or someone who has a show called Self Help Radio?
I thought so.
You are unhappy. So what? So am I. What do I care? But what if I do care? Can I speak to you in generalities that may soothe your inner turmoil with only slightly concealed condescension? Is that what you want? All right then!
Imagine you have a nice house, or any permanent place to stay at all. & maybe a relationship although you're pretty sure your so-called "partner" has cheated on you, even once with someone who works at a bike shop. A bike shop! Do you spend a lot of time daydreaming about being someone else, like someone whose antipsychotic drugs work most of the time & who can afford a semi-automatic weapon?
Whoa there Gloomy Gus! What if you're actually projecting into the world your own unhappiness? Wouldn't you just continue to be sad, even after you got a nice Walther P99 & figured out how to load it? Of course you would. Because it's not the world you hate: it's yourself. It's time for what we in the self-help trade call "re-invention."
Here are five ways to re-invent yourself that I just made up but which totally sound like they'd work:
1) Start talking in an English accent. Don't be all goofy & attempt to say things like British people would - like "telly" for "television" or "biscuits" for "food" - but instead use the limited vocabulary you've always had. It's not an affectation; it's a re-invention. (This could work with other accents, too, although an Australian accent would be annoying.)
2) Think like a jogger. This is handy because it doesn't require you to act like a jogger, which involves running & sweating & long hours wasted running & sweating. What does it mean to think like a jogger? I don't know, I'm not a jogger. But some joggers seem to have it all together.
3) Realize that you are powerless over your addiction, that your life had become unmanageable. Oh, no, wait, that's the first step of the 12 Step Program. Sorry about that.
4) If you find yourself often fleeing in terror, see if there are other emotions in which you can flee instead. Fleeing in amusement, for example, is easier on your heart & might actually be charming. Fleeing in hatred might have saved your last relationship, or at the very least prolonged it long enough so you'd have a date for your cousin's wedding.
5) Try a new salad dressing. What could it hurt?
As you can imagine, there are many web sites & books on self-re-invention. None of them work but mine. I know, some of them say the same thing on their jackets, but who are you going to believe, some person who's taken the time to write a whole book full of ways to re-invent yourself they've made up or someone who has a show called Self Help Radio?
I thought so.
Thursday, November 03, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Nineteen
This week's A Joke A Day a week was no better nor worse than usual, but it did do something that surprised me: it baffled me.
Seriously. Under the category of "one-liners," Tuesday's A Joke A Day said simply this:
Wife is the knife which cuts the life but there is no life without a wife.
This isn't a matter of not understanding because it's about a subject I could care less about (see "golf jokes"). This is apparently a "one-liner" that is trying both to be clever ("wife" rhymes with "life" & "knife") & misogynistic (is the life the knife-wife is cutting your own?) but also perhaps profound (everyone comes from a mother, I think it's trying to say).
But what the fuck does it mean? Do wives ruin husbands' lives more than husbands ruin the lives of their wives? How many battered men shelters are there out there? & how long has it been since it was required for a woman to be married to have a child?
Not to mention that "wife" not only implies heterosexual marriage. The crafty fellow who tossed off this bon mot doesn't seem to be aware of the gains made in both gay rights & women's rights in the last forty years.
I know, I'm thinking about this too much. I'm not just thinking, you know, that it's impossible to imagine someone finding this funny - I'm thinking it's impossible to imagine someone even understanding it.
Seriously. Under the category of "one-liners," Tuesday's A Joke A Day said simply this:
Wife is the knife which cuts the life but there is no life without a wife.
This isn't a matter of not understanding because it's about a subject I could care less about (see "golf jokes"). This is apparently a "one-liner" that is trying both to be clever ("wife" rhymes with "life" & "knife") & misogynistic (is the life the knife-wife is cutting your own?) but also perhaps profound (everyone comes from a mother, I think it's trying to say).
But what the fuck does it mean? Do wives ruin husbands' lives more than husbands ruin the lives of their wives? How many battered men shelters are there out there? & how long has it been since it was required for a woman to be married to have a child?
Not to mention that "wife" not only implies heterosexual marriage. The crafty fellow who tossed off this bon mot doesn't seem to be aware of the gains made in both gay rights & women's rights in the last forty years.
I know, I'm thinking about this too much. I'm not just thinking, you know, that it's impossible to imagine someone finding this funny - I'm thinking it's impossible to imagine someone even understanding it.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween!
Do you want to know the difference between a graveyard & a cemetery? Do you wonder what significance graveyards & cemeteries have for human beings? Do you want to hear what someone thinks are the three most haunted burial grounds in the United States? Dude, you should totally listen to this show! I talk about all of those things!
Happy Halloween to you from Self Help Radio, which explores graveyards (not literally but musically) on today's holiday show. The show is available at the Self Help Radio website, conveniently divided into two equally scary parts: part one in a freshly dug grave, & part two in a spooky crypt. Not to give anything away, but some of the scary sounds that you'll hear are listed below.
Also! If you want more Halloween music, I still have last year's show (about haunted houses) as well as a sub show I did (about zombies) on the website. You can find them at the top of the archive page. Enjoy at your own risk.
Happy Halloween!
(part one)
"The Graveyard Shift" The Ghouls _Dracula's Deuce_
"My Baby Digs Graves" The Easter Monkeys _Splendor Of Sorrow_
"The Cemetery" Architecture In Helsinki _In Case We Die_
"Goin' To A Graveyard" The Fuzztones _Monster A-Go-Go_
"Murder In The Graveyard" Screaming Lord Sutch _Rock & Horror_
"The Grave.. & Beyond" Zombina & The Skeletones _Taste The Blood Of Zombina & The Skeletones_
"Dead Man's Grave" The Sapphires _The Sapphires_
"Cemetry Gates" The Smiths _The Queen Is Dead_
"Graveyard Rock" Tarantula Ghoul _Horror Hop_
"Old People In The Cemetery" Of Montreal _Aldhils Arboretum_
"Rockin' In The Graveyard" Jackie Morningstar _Rockin' Bones: 1950's Punk & Rockabilly_
"Graveyard" Jeffrey Lewis _It's The Ones Who've Cracked That The Light Shines Through_
(part two)
"Mass Graves" George Carlin _Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Gravedigger Rock" The Polecats _Rockabilly Guys: The Best Of The Polecats_
"Gravedigging Blues" Beat Happening _Black Candy_
"The Graveyard Rock" Rodd Keith _I Died Today_
"Monster Mash" The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band _Cornology_
"Graveyard Girl" M83 _Saturdays = Youth_
"Graveyard Girlfriend" The Groovie Ghoulies _Re-Animation Festival_
"In My Grave" The Spectors _Beat Is Murder: Cockfights & Catfights 1992-1996_
"Graveyard" Leroy Bowman _The Ultimate 50's & 60's Rockin' Horror Disc: Blood Curdling Rock & Roll_
"Please Mr. Gravedigger" David Bowie _London Boy_
"Graveyard Groove" The Revillos _Attack Of The Giant Revillos_
"Pet Sematary" The Ramones _Brain Drain_
"Found Love In A Graveyard" Veronica Falls _Veronica Falls_
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Whither Graveyards?
I'm running out of Halloween show ideas! I don't think there are many songs about pumpkins!
I was actually going to do the show on curses this year when, like an idea that was only in my peripheral vision, I thought about graveyards a couple of months ago. I was also thinking of doing a show on Japanese monster movies, & might have gone that way if I hadn't already thought of graveyards in the interim.
This is not very interesting, I know, but perhaps you have an idea I haven't had. It's a little weird to be asking for help on a theme that won't be explored for literally a year (even before I've done the show about graveyards!) but there you are. Perhaps next year I'll do a show entirely made up of themes from horror films. Or maybe I can find enough songs about pumpkins by then.
In any event, tomorrow! At 7:30 am! In Lexington! Is Self Help Radio's 2011 Halloween show! About graveyards! It'll be as scary as anything at 7:30 am is! Listen live on the 88.1 fm frequency *or* online at the WRFL website, whichever is most handy. I'll archive the show later at self help radio dot net.
& remember, you can still listen to last year's shows about zombies & haunted houses! Perfectly spooky listening for your Halloween night!
I was actually going to do the show on curses this year when, like an idea that was only in my peripheral vision, I thought about graveyards a couple of months ago. I was also thinking of doing a show on Japanese monster movies, & might have gone that way if I hadn't already thought of graveyards in the interim.
This is not very interesting, I know, but perhaps you have an idea I haven't had. It's a little weird to be asking for help on a theme that won't be explored for literally a year (even before I've done the show about graveyards!) but there you are. Perhaps next year I'll do a show entirely made up of themes from horror films. Or maybe I can find enough songs about pumpkins by then.
In any event, tomorrow! At 7:30 am! In Lexington! Is Self Help Radio's 2011 Halloween show! About graveyards! It'll be as scary as anything at 7:30 am is! Listen live on the 88.1 fm frequency *or* online at the WRFL website, whichever is most handy. I'll archive the show later at self help radio dot net.
& remember, you can still listen to last year's shows about zombies & haunted houses! Perfectly spooky listening for your Halloween night!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Preface To Halloween 2011 - Graveyards!: My Life Is A Boneyard
Self Help Radio prides itself on not repeating itself, like other radio shows do. I understand that the point of radio is repetition, & that more people would perhaps listen to Self Help Radio (arguable) if it played the same thing over & over, like most popular radio shows do. Alas, it is not in my constitution.
I do love to do "annual" shows, like Halloween, which is coming up this week. But while I like doing a Halloween show, I also want to hone in on some aspect of Halloween rather than being generic. Also, I don't want to repeat myself. I do try to come up with an interesting, holiday-related theme on the topic. How have I done so far?
In 2003, it was just "Halloween."
In 2004, I didn't do a Halloween show. Long story.
In 2005, the show was about vampires.
In 2006, the show was about monsters.
In 2007, the show was about zombies.
In 2008, the show was about witches.
In 2009, the show was about werewolves.
In 2010, the show was about haunted houses.
(Speaking of not repeating myself, I did reprise the zombie show for a WRFL sub last year, & you can hear the show here if you're so inclined. I justify the repetition by saying "it wasn't a Self Help Radio show." Also, if you'd like to hear last year's show about haunted houses, it's also still available for the listening to.)
This year's show, as you perhaps have read in the post's subject line, is about graveyards. I have ideas for other future Halloween themes, like voodoo & curses, but the graveyard theme hit me at the last minute. Clearly I need to listen closely to cliched Halloween songs to tease out Halloween details I have been heretofore ignoring.
I do love to do "annual" shows, like Halloween, which is coming up this week. But while I like doing a Halloween show, I also want to hone in on some aspect of Halloween rather than being generic. Also, I don't want to repeat myself. I do try to come up with an interesting, holiday-related theme on the topic. How have I done so far?
In 2003, it was just "Halloween."
In 2004, I didn't do a Halloween show. Long story.
In 2005, the show was about vampires.
In 2006, the show was about monsters.
In 2007, the show was about zombies.
In 2008, the show was about witches.
In 2009, the show was about werewolves.
In 2010, the show was about haunted houses.
(Speaking of not repeating myself, I did reprise the zombie show for a WRFL sub last year, & you can hear the show here if you're so inclined. I justify the repetition by saying "it wasn't a Self Help Radio show." Also, if you'd like to hear last year's show about haunted houses, it's also still available for the listening to.)
This year's show, as you perhaps have read in the post's subject line, is about graveyards. I have ideas for other future Halloween themes, like voodoo & curses, but the graveyard theme hit me at the last minute. Clearly I need to listen closely to cliched Halloween songs to tease out Halloween details I have been heretofore ignoring.
Friday, October 28, 2011
The Competition
Self Help Radio is not a self-help radio show. Oftentimes when people come to the web site or especially to the Facebook page(*), they expect a generic "self-help" page, & are probably confused when it's not, as the Wikipedia describes it, "a self-guided improvement— economically, intellectually, or emotionally — often with a substantial psychological basis." In fact, many have suggested (or none have) that no one has ever been helped by Self Help Radio.
Yet there are actual self-help radio shows, & perhaps Self Help Radio should consider them the competition. What are these shows? Should Self Help Radio be worried?
If you use Google to search for "self-help radio" (leaving the dash in, which Self Help Radio doesn't), the second result(**) is Self Dev Radio (obviously they didn't want or couldn't afford the selfhelpradio.com address, which sits idle), a site that appears to be internet-only, & which boasts that it "broadcast(s) inspirational interviews, self-development features & smooth music 24/7!" Going to the web site will let you immediately hear some of that "smooth music," plus the loud, confident voice of a fellow telling you what you're also reading on the site. In case you can't read. Or something.
Next is the motherlode: a list of links relating to "self-help" on Blog Talk Radio. Here is a treasure trove (if this is your kind of treasure) of links to shows with titles like "Finding Happiness Within," "Message From The Oneness," "Fate Versus Destiny," "Healing Wisdom: Attract The Perfect Partner For You," "Motivation, Exercise & ADD," & "Instinct Combat Shooting."
Hey. Combat shooting can be a form of self-help. Don't balk!
Up next is Self Improvement Talk Radio, another riff on the more familiar "self-help" phrase. It appears to be not a list of shows, but a promotional page for a particular self-help guru, Dr. Anne Marie Evers, who is Canadian & who also has a certificate (that could be Canadian for BA? (***)) in therapeutic touch. (The Wikipedia is kinder to this quackery than it ought to be.)
Dr. Evers is not a medical doctor, & her own site tells you she is an "ordained minister," so perhaps her doctorate is in theology, since her credentials only mention "certificates" & not actual degrees. She does give affirmations, which Self Help Radio does not, & how could it compete with a list like this?
1. I am the DREAMER.
2. I am the DREAM.
3. I am the Dream Activator, Dream Supporter or the Dream Stealer.
4. I am the recepient of the DREAM, the benefactor of the DREAM.
5. I am the creator, sustainer/preserver/manifestor of the DREAM.
6. I and I alone am responsible and accountable for the DREAM.
Dream Stealer?
Finally, there is Achievement Radio Dot Com, which seems like a pretty good achievement, until you click the link & oh no! "AchievementRadio.com Is No Longer An Active Website."
Perhaps they needed to practice more of what they preached.
(*) Many people have "liked" the Facebook page, thinking they are liking generic "self-help radio." Most soon realize the error of their ways.
(**) After "Self Help Radio." Surprisingly!
(***) It's not.
Yet there are actual self-help radio shows, & perhaps Self Help Radio should consider them the competition. What are these shows? Should Self Help Radio be worried?
If you use Google to search for "self-help radio" (leaving the dash in, which Self Help Radio doesn't), the second result(**) is Self Dev Radio (obviously they didn't want or couldn't afford the selfhelpradio.com address, which sits idle), a site that appears to be internet-only, & which boasts that it "broadcast(s) inspirational interviews, self-development features & smooth music 24/7!" Going to the web site will let you immediately hear some of that "smooth music," plus the loud, confident voice of a fellow telling you what you're also reading on the site. In case you can't read. Or something.
Next is the motherlode: a list of links relating to "self-help" on Blog Talk Radio. Here is a treasure trove (if this is your kind of treasure) of links to shows with titles like "Finding Happiness Within," "Message From The Oneness," "Fate Versus Destiny," "Healing Wisdom: Attract The Perfect Partner For You," "Motivation, Exercise & ADD," & "Instinct Combat Shooting."
Hey. Combat shooting can be a form of self-help. Don't balk!
Up next is Self Improvement Talk Radio, another riff on the more familiar "self-help" phrase. It appears to be not a list of shows, but a promotional page for a particular self-help guru, Dr. Anne Marie Evers, who is Canadian & who also has a certificate (that could be Canadian for BA? (***)) in therapeutic touch. (The Wikipedia is kinder to this quackery than it ought to be.)
Dr. Evers is not a medical doctor, & her own site tells you she is an "ordained minister," so perhaps her doctorate is in theology, since her credentials only mention "certificates" & not actual degrees. She does give affirmations, which Self Help Radio does not, & how could it compete with a list like this?
1. I am the DREAMER.
2. I am the DREAM.
3. I am the Dream Activator, Dream Supporter or the Dream Stealer.
4. I am the recepient of the DREAM, the benefactor of the DREAM.
5. I am the creator, sustainer/preserver/manifestor of the DREAM.
6. I and I alone am responsible and accountable for the DREAM.
Dream Stealer?
Finally, there is Achievement Radio Dot Com, which seems like a pretty good achievement, until you click the link & oh no! "AchievementRadio.com Is No Longer An Active Website."
Perhaps they needed to practice more of what they preached.
(*) Many people have "liked" the Facebook page, thinking they are liking generic "self-help radio." Most soon realize the error of their ways.
(**) After "Self Help Radio." Surprisingly!
(***) It's not.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Eighteen
Never accuse the arguably fine folks of A Joke A Day of a lack of topicality. Oh sure, there are plenty of non-offensive insults about imaginary people to tell, & naturally men hate the women they marry once they are no longer attracted to them, & of course there are literally thousands if not millions of puns already beaten to death in the English language, all a treasure trove of repetition for the staff of A Joke A Day to share with its subscribers, people noted for a distinct lack of an actual sense of humor.
But this week, sensing the foul mood of the country, the brave editor (or randomizing computer) (pretty much the same thing at the A Joke A Day headquarters) green-lit & sent out a joke that captures the foul feeling a vast majority of America has about its richest class.
It's true! At long last - with no further ado - I give you the A Joke A Day Solidarity With Occupy Wall Street joke:
One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"
Now if only someone with good jokes would occupy A Joke A Day.
But this week, sensing the foul mood of the country, the brave editor (or randomizing computer) (pretty much the same thing at the A Joke A Day headquarters) green-lit & sent out a joke that captures the foul feeling a vast majority of America has about its richest class.
It's true! At long last - with no further ado - I give you the A Joke A Day Solidarity With Occupy Wall Street joke:
One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"
Now if only someone with good jokes would occupy A Joke A Day.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Self Help Radio Bus Tours, Ltd.
Ah, buses. How I have ridden you over the years. Er. Well, that didn't sound right. I just. I want to show my appreciation for buses, is all. You used to take me home when I was in college, &, thankfully, you'd take me back to college again. You took me to work every day for over a decade, & you were often late, so that I could smoke another cigarette, back when I smoked, & stare impatiently for you down the street. I read books on you, I listened to hours of music while staring out your windows. I used to travel on buses to get to Self Help Radio, back when the show was in Austin. I met the woman I married while waiting at a bus stop.
Here is the Self Help Radio show about buses! No fare required. Also, you can play it as loud as you want. The map is at self help radio dot net, but the show is on two different routes, though - route one goes in this direction while route two goes in this direction. The stops on each route are listed below.
Thanks for riding the bus with me!
(part one)
"Waiting For The Bus" Violent Femmes _Add It Up (1981-1983)_
"Buses" Shark & Me _The Rubble Collection, Vol. 5_
"Take A Bus" Stix & Stonz _Soft Sounds For Gentle People Vol. 5 (Far-Out Treasures From California & Beyond, 1966-1969)_
"Another One Rides The Bus" Weird Al Yankovic _"Weird Al" Yankovic_
"You're Crazy For Taking The Bus" Jonathan Richman _Jonathan Goes Country_
"Roll Bus Roll" Jeffrey Lewis & The Junkyard _Em Are I_
"Love On A Greyhound Bus (Lucy Ann Polk, vocals)" Kay Kyser & His Orchestra _The Ultimate Collection (1939-1947)_
"Us On A Bus" Fats Waller _1935-1936_
"Bus Stop" Graham Gouldman _The Graham Gouldman Thing_
"Bus Stop" She _Wants A Piece Of You_
"Bustop" Lida Husik _The Return Of Red Emma_
"Girl At The Bus Stop" BMX Bandits _The Totally Groovy Live Experiment!_
(part two)
"Bumpin' Bus Stop, Pt. 1" Playboys _Funk Spectrum II: Real Funk For Real People_
"Double Dutch Bus" Frankie Smith _Double Dutch Bus_
"Funky Driver On A Funky Bus, Pt. 1" Charles Leonard _Bay Area Funk_
"Bus Drivers School" Bob Newhart _The Button-Down Mind Strikes Back!_
"The Magic Bus" The Who _Meaty Beaty Big & Bouncy_
"This Bus Won't Go To War" Firesign Theatre _Fighting Clowns_
"Busstop" The Mad Scene _A Trip Thru Monsterland_
"Red Bus" The Minders _Hooray For Tuesday_
"Bus" The Figgs _Low-Fi At Society High_
"On The Bus" The Holloways _No Smoke, No Mirrors_
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Whither Buses?
Doesn't "buses" look funny? It should be "busses." But NO! says the spellcheck. (The spellcheck also doesn't like "spellcheck.")
Frankly, it's surprising that Self Help Radio hasn't done a show about buses before. For the longest time - from the time my car died in the summer after high school (1986) until the time my girlfriend - whom I would later marry - totaled her car in December of 2004, I did not own a car. If I needed to go places far, I rode a Greyhound bus - until I was old enough to rent cars.
In town, though, I rode buses everywhere. I took a bus daily to & from work. I took a bus to my radio show when the KOOP studios were in downtown Austin. I sometimes took buses to rock shows & then, as the shows ended after the buses stopped running, I would often just walk home.
I met the woman I would later marry at a bus stop. Maybe that's why I haven't done a bus show before. It would have to be a very good show. Buses have been good to me.
How good will the show be? I don't know. Listen tomorrow morning (it's a Monday) from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington. You can listen online at WRFL dot fm. Or if you're stuck on a bus & can't tune it in, you can listen later at self help radio dot net.
At the bus stop where I met my wife, on a hot August afternoon in Austin, Texas, we were forced to share a tiny shrub for shade. The last time I was in town we drove by - & that shrub is now a giant tree.
Frankly, it's surprising that Self Help Radio hasn't done a show about buses before. For the longest time - from the time my car died in the summer after high school (1986) until the time my girlfriend - whom I would later marry - totaled her car in December of 2004, I did not own a car. If I needed to go places far, I rode a Greyhound bus - until I was old enough to rent cars.
In town, though, I rode buses everywhere. I took a bus daily to & from work. I took a bus to my radio show when the KOOP studios were in downtown Austin. I sometimes took buses to rock shows & then, as the shows ended after the buses stopped running, I would often just walk home.
I met the woman I would later marry at a bus stop. Maybe that's why I haven't done a bus show before. It would have to be a very good show. Buses have been good to me.
How good will the show be? I don't know. Listen tomorrow morning (it's a Monday) from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington. You can listen online at WRFL dot fm. Or if you're stuck on a bus & can't tune it in, you can listen later at self help radio dot net.
At the bus stop where I met my wife, on a hot August afternoon in Austin, Texas, we were forced to share a tiny shrub for shade. The last time I was in town we drove by - & that shrub is now a giant tree.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Preface To Buses: Wouldn't You Rather Fly?
No. I miss riding in buses. I used to ride buses all the time. But when I became old enough to rent cars (I didn't own a car until later in life because Austin, where I've spent most of my entire adult life, has a great city bus system), I preferred to drive places I could drive to, whether camping in Big Bend or in Utah, or home to the family in Dallas, or wherever.
But I took buses back & forth from Austin to Dallas & Austin to Houston for several years while I was in college. I loved to sit in the front & see the picture window of the world before me. I rode a bus part of the way to Mexico City once, although the majority of the way was on a train, which I loved.
In fact, if I had my preference, it'd probably be in this order of preference: trains (including subways), automobiles, buses, planes. But if Lexington were a bigger city, with a more substantial bus system, I might bus more often. I used to bus to work every day. Every day. Walking to a bus stop. Reading at the bus stop. Waiting for the bus. When I used to smoke, smoking at the bus stop. Wondering if there was a seat on the bus for me. & whom I had to sit next to.
Do you have a good bus story? You should tell me. Maybe I'll tell some bus stories on this week's Self Help Radio!
If not yours, than mine.
But I took buses back & forth from Austin to Dallas & Austin to Houston for several years while I was in college. I loved to sit in the front & see the picture window of the world before me. I rode a bus part of the way to Mexico City once, although the majority of the way was on a train, which I loved.
In fact, if I had my preference, it'd probably be in this order of preference: trains (including subways), automobiles, buses, planes. But if Lexington were a bigger city, with a more substantial bus system, I might bus more often. I used to bus to work every day. Every day. Walking to a bus stop. Reading at the bus stop. Waiting for the bus. When I used to smoke, smoking at the bus stop. Wondering if there was a seat on the bus for me. & whom I had to sit next to.
Do you have a good bus story? You should tell me. Maybe I'll tell some bus stories on this week's Self Help Radio!
If not yours, than mine.
Friday, October 21, 2011
I Make Excuses, Again
You haven't been wondering, but I haven't either, yet I still ask the question, "What happened to Self Help Radio Extra?" Didn't I used to do them once a month? But I haven't done any since the summer! What the fuck?
The truth is, I started doing the Self Help Radio Extra mixes a while back, when I was still in Austin, & found I was listening to a lot of music that would not necessarily be played on Self Help Radio any time soon. It was a chance to do a sort of freeform or indiepop show without actually having one on the radio.
Then, when we moved away, I began doing Sugar Substitute, & doing an extra mix became a little redundant. It was worse when I started deejay at WRFL because I also sub a lot of freeform shows. I don't like to repeat myself & play the same songs over & over. Not that anyone would notice but me. If I were going to do a Self Help Radio Extra, it would need to be, for me, something different from the radio shows I was also doing.
The last Extra I did was kind of a remake of a previous radio show, & although I think it's a fun mix, I regret it a little, since I don't really want to repeat myself. Although I have now repeated myself saying I dislike repeating myself. Good lord. & now it's October, almost November, & I don't imagine I'll make another one this year. Unless I can come up with a different idea for an "extra."
Do you miss it? I don't believe you if you said "yes."
But there's the answer: Self Help Radio Extra is being neglected. But it's not going away or anything. I'm just probably going to ignore it some more.
The truth is, I started doing the Self Help Radio Extra mixes a while back, when I was still in Austin, & found I was listening to a lot of music that would not necessarily be played on Self Help Radio any time soon. It was a chance to do a sort of freeform or indiepop show without actually having one on the radio.
Then, when we moved away, I began doing Sugar Substitute, & doing an extra mix became a little redundant. It was worse when I started deejay at WRFL because I also sub a lot of freeform shows. I don't like to repeat myself & play the same songs over & over. Not that anyone would notice but me. If I were going to do a Self Help Radio Extra, it would need to be, for me, something different from the radio shows I was also doing.
The last Extra I did was kind of a remake of a previous radio show, & although I think it's a fun mix, I regret it a little, since I don't really want to repeat myself. Although I have now repeated myself saying I dislike repeating myself. Good lord. & now it's October, almost November, & I don't imagine I'll make another one this year. Unless I can come up with a different idea for an "extra."
Do you miss it? I don't believe you if you said "yes."
But there's the answer: Self Help Radio Extra is being neglected. But it's not going away or anything. I'm just probably going to ignore it some more.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Seventeen
I'm not sure I can go on much longer with this series. I'll just put that out there right now. I would love to report "The week of A Joke A Day this week was good!" or even "The week of A Joke A Day this week didn't make me feel at all like vomiting all over my computer screen!" But no. It was another week of neutered jokes, jokes written for the average five-year-old, & the obligatory misanthropic man/woman nonsense.
Thursday's joke involved a salesperson calling a home, getting a child, frustratingly asking for the mother (who's not home), then asking for anyone else at the house, to which the child replied, "My sister is home." The punchline, of course, is that the sister is younger than the child on the phone. Ho ho.
Fridays' joke involved a car accident with a dotty elderly woman (naturally). You can deduce the entire joke from the weak punchline: "In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
Four exclamation points. That's like someone laughing after they've told a joke to let everyone know it's time to laugh.
Saturday's joke was a slight reversal: an elderly man tricks a fellow at the grocery store into buying his groceries. That clever coot sure showed that young upstart! (That's my way of saying the joke was probably stolen from a 1930's comedy short.)
Sunday's was a hunter joke. It's sad enough that we live in a society that still has people who hunt. This one, probably the best joke of the week, turned the tables on the hunter. Here it is in full:
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
I suppose the ellipsis is there for you to wait for the laughs that will probably never come.
Monday featured a woman who took the television remote from her husband when he refused to go shopping with her. The joke turns bleak when she returns home & he beats the hell out of her. (At least I assume. It stops before that.)
Tuesday's joke was another kid's offering, one you've heard from every child you've ever known, but which is never as funny as it was in the second grade:
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Wednesday brought us another "man vs. woman" joke. It is discovered that, when pricing brains for transplant, women's are less expensive than men's because they are "used." Ha ha snort.
It's weeks like these that make me regret taking up this terrible mantle. I'd be better off examining "A Prayer A Day."
Thursday's joke involved a salesperson calling a home, getting a child, frustratingly asking for the mother (who's not home), then asking for anyone else at the house, to which the child replied, "My sister is home." The punchline, of course, is that the sister is younger than the child on the phone. Ho ho.
Fridays' joke involved a car accident with a dotty elderly woman (naturally). You can deduce the entire joke from the weak punchline: "In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
Four exclamation points. That's like someone laughing after they've told a joke to let everyone know it's time to laugh.
Saturday's joke was a slight reversal: an elderly man tricks a fellow at the grocery store into buying his groceries. That clever coot sure showed that young upstart! (That's my way of saying the joke was probably stolen from a 1930's comedy short.)
Sunday's was a hunter joke. It's sad enough that we live in a society that still has people who hunt. This one, probably the best joke of the week, turned the tables on the hunter. Here it is in full:
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
I suppose the ellipsis is there for you to wait for the laughs that will probably never come.
Monday featured a woman who took the television remote from her husband when he refused to go shopping with her. The joke turns bleak when she returns home & he beats the hell out of her. (At least I assume. It stops before that.)
Tuesday's joke was another kid's offering, one you've heard from every child you've ever known, but which is never as funny as it was in the second grade:
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Wednesday brought us another "man vs. woman" joke. It is discovered that, when pricing brains for transplant, women's are less expensive than men's because they are "used." Ha ha snort.
It's weeks like these that make me regret taking up this terrible mantle. I'd be better off examining "A Prayer A Day."
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Flow That Shows
Among the things one often thinks about that do flow - rivers, tears, blood, lava - one does not often think of Self Help Radio. The stumbling, often shabby radio show has also been known to fail at running, skipping, hopping, bouncing, sliding, rolling & let's just say for the hell of it rocking. So why did Self Help Radio advertise itself this week as "a show that flows"? Does it really want to embrace irony like some hipster douchebag?
As Winston Churchill never said, "Some men strive for irony, & some have irony thrust upon them." I am not sure what some women strive for, but I fear that if I started to talk about what gets thrust upon them, I will become embarrassed & have to leave.
The show does seems to have lots of songs about flowing, as might be expected, even if they don't flow well together. It's now resting safely at the Self Help Radio web site. Even worse, I broke up the flow by separating the show into two parts. Part one is available by clicking "part one" there. Part two is the same except you need to click "part two" at the beginning of this sentence. What is flowing (or not flowing) through those parts is listed below.
I'd ask you to just go with the flow but I'm not sure there's any flow in this show. Oh heavy sigh.
(part one)
"Flow" Incense _Fall Into The Glowing Fade_
"Feel Flows Free" Guitar _Sunkissed_
"Let Your Love Flow" Ray Charles _Wish You Were Here Tonight_
"Let It Flow" Jimmie Spheeris _Isle Of View_
"Steady In The Flow" Rosemary Haddad _Coming Hohm_
"Let It Flow" Elvin Bishop _Let It Flow_
"Let It Flow (Do You Like Scratchin'?)" KRS-One _Buffalo Gals: Back To Skool_
"I Feel Like Flowing" Apache _The Original Flava Unit_
"Let The Funk Flow" EPMD _Strictly Business_
(part two)
"Flow Forever" Rakim _The Master_
"Flow" House Of Love _Creation Soup Vol. 5_
"Everything Flows" Teenage Fanclub _Everything Flows_
"Bloodflow" Smog _KVRX Local Live Vol. 10_
"Contraflow" The Fall _The REAL New Fall LP Formerly Country On The Click_
"Melodic Flow" A.M. Sixty _Big As The Sky_
"Let It Flow" Cheeky Monkey _Four Arms To Hold You_
"Ebb & Flow" Julie Ocean _Long Gone & Nearly There_
"Wreck My Flow" The Dirtbombs _We Have You Surrounded_
"Cash Flow" Cash Pussies _99% Is Shit_
"Tears Begin To Flow" The Spiders _Chicken Shack Boogie Vol. 4_
As Winston Churchill never said, "Some men strive for irony, & some have irony thrust upon them." I am not sure what some women strive for, but I fear that if I started to talk about what gets thrust upon them, I will become embarrassed & have to leave.
The show does seems to have lots of songs about flowing, as might be expected, even if they don't flow well together. It's now resting safely at the Self Help Radio web site. Even worse, I broke up the flow by separating the show into two parts. Part one is available by clicking "part one" there. Part two is the same except you need to click "part two" at the beginning of this sentence. What is flowing (or not flowing) through those parts is listed below.
I'd ask you to just go with the flow but I'm not sure there's any flow in this show. Oh heavy sigh.
(part one)
"Flow" Incense _Fall Into The Glowing Fade_
"Feel Flows Free" Guitar _Sunkissed_
"Let Your Love Flow" Ray Charles _Wish You Were Here Tonight_
"Let It Flow" Jimmie Spheeris _Isle Of View_
"Steady In The Flow" Rosemary Haddad _Coming Hohm_
"Let It Flow" Elvin Bishop _Let It Flow_
"Let It Flow (Do You Like Scratchin'?)" KRS-One _Buffalo Gals: Back To Skool_
"I Feel Like Flowing" Apache _The Original Flava Unit_
"Let The Funk Flow" EPMD _Strictly Business_
(part two)
"Flow Forever" Rakim _The Master_
"Flow" House Of Love _Creation Soup Vol. 5_
"Everything Flows" Teenage Fanclub _Everything Flows_
"Bloodflow" Smog _KVRX Local Live Vol. 10_
"Contraflow" The Fall _The REAL New Fall LP Formerly Country On The Click_
"Melodic Flow" A.M. Sixty _Big As The Sky_
"Let It Flow" Cheeky Monkey _Four Arms To Hold You_
"Ebb & Flow" Julie Ocean _Long Gone & Nearly There_
"Wreck My Flow" The Dirtbombs _We Have You Surrounded_
"Cash Flow" Cash Pussies _99% Is Shit_
"Tears Begin To Flow" The Spiders _Chicken Shack Boogie Vol. 4_
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Whither A Show That Flows?
I honestly don't know where this show came from. I created a folder on my Mac's desktop where I threw some ideas in there & suddenly it showed up on my queue. Most of the time, a theme suggests itself to me - I can at least say that I was interested in something & made the decision to make it into a show. But "a show that flows"? What the hell?
I know "flow" is used often in a musical context, especially in hip-hop, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't thinking of doing a show of songs that demonstrated some vague notion of "flow." I also wasn't watching a river flow, or lava flow, or blood flow, or tears flow. & I hardly ever go with the flow. So I don't know from where flow flowed.
All I know is there will be a stumbling attempt to do a show about flows tomorrow on WRFL, the regular Self Help Radio time, 7:30 am, until 9:00, on the 88.1 frequency, or you can listen live online at wrfl dot fm. (This is a direct link to the WRFL .pls file if you don't want to go the website.) & of course you can listen any time after tomorrow at Self Help Radio: The Website.
It's not a terribly auspicious beginning of my tenth year. Eek!
I know "flow" is used often in a musical context, especially in hip-hop, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't thinking of doing a show of songs that demonstrated some vague notion of "flow." I also wasn't watching a river flow, or lava flow, or blood flow, or tears flow. & I hardly ever go with the flow. So I don't know from where flow flowed.
All I know is there will be a stumbling attempt to do a show about flows tomorrow on WRFL, the regular Self Help Radio time, 7:30 am, until 9:00, on the 88.1 frequency, or you can listen live online at wrfl dot fm. (This is a direct link to the WRFL .pls file if you don't want to go the website.) & of course you can listen any time after tomorrow at Self Help Radio: The Website.
It's not a terribly auspicious beginning of my tenth year. Eek!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Preface To A Show That Flows: 1200 Posts OMG!
Excuse me while I cut & paste for my own amusement.
I started this blog on 09/12/06.
176 days later, I reached post # 100 on 03/07/07.
158 days after that, I reached post # 200 on 08/13/07.
149 days after that, I reached post # 300 on 01/09/08.
138 days after that, I reached post # 400 on 05/26/08.
141 days after that, I reached post # 500 on 10/14/08.
162 days after that, I reached post # 600 on 03/25/09.
186 days after that, I reached post # 700 on 09/23/09.
149 days after that, I reached post # 800 on 02/19/10.
154 days after that, I reached post # 900 on 07/23/10.
143 days after that, I reached post # 1000 on 12/14/10.
& finally, 158 days after that, I reached post # 1100, at 05/21/11.
It's 147 days later - & I've probably made a mistake somewhere, because I count 1714 days up there but it's been 1859 days since the blog began. DON'T LET ME DO MATH. ESPECIALLY NOT IN MY HEAD.
Now back to working on the radio show...
I started this blog on 09/12/06.
176 days later, I reached post # 100 on 03/07/07.
158 days after that, I reached post # 200 on 08/13/07.
149 days after that, I reached post # 300 on 01/09/08.
138 days after that, I reached post # 400 on 05/26/08.
141 days after that, I reached post # 500 on 10/14/08.
162 days after that, I reached post # 600 on 03/25/09.
186 days after that, I reached post # 700 on 09/23/09.
149 days after that, I reached post # 800 on 02/19/10.
154 days after that, I reached post # 900 on 07/23/10.
143 days after that, I reached post # 1000 on 12/14/10.
& finally, 158 days after that, I reached post # 1100, at 05/21/11.
It's 147 days later - & I've probably made a mistake somewhere, because I count 1714 days up there but it's been 1859 days since the blog began. DON'T LET ME DO MATH. ESPECIALLY NOT IN MY HEAD.
Now back to working on the radio show...
Friday, October 14, 2011
Omigosh! Nearly Twelve Hundred Posts!
Holy crap. Tomorrow will be the one thousand, two hundredth entry on this blog. It's kind of exciting it's happening around the same time as my ninth anniversary, although it's only a coincidence they somewhat coincide. I wish I had thought of a blog at the same time I thought of doing the show, but I didn't know whether I'd be doing a show like Self Help Radio for very long. It's a little like dating the woman I ended up marrying. I hadn't dated anyone for very long in many years. So too with the radio show - who could've known it would last almost a decade?
This blog is just a little over five years old. Tomorrow I'll bore you with my accounting but assuming that it's been five years & one month, the goofy math I did suggests that 1200 posts over 1855 days (I multiplied 365 {the days in a year} times 5 {the years the blog has existed} plus I added 30 {for the extra month}) averages out to me scribbling on the blog about once every day & a half. All the more remarkable because I really have nothing to say.
Especially since entries like this are really just time wasters. Place holders. Stalling, if you will.
Oh, & I'm not trying to create suspense or anything - tomorrow's 1200th entry will not be exciting or important in any way. That hasn't happened before - why would it happen now?
Silly!
This blog is just a little over five years old. Tomorrow I'll bore you with my accounting but assuming that it's been five years & one month, the goofy math I did suggests that 1200 posts over 1855 days (I multiplied 365 {the days in a year} times 5 {the years the blog has existed} plus I added 30 {for the extra month}) averages out to me scribbling on the blog about once every day & a half. All the more remarkable because I really have nothing to say.
Especially since entries like this are really just time wasters. Place holders. Stalling, if you will.
Oh, & I'm not trying to create suspense or anything - tomorrow's 1200th entry will not be exciting or important in any way. That hasn't happened before - why would it happen now?
Silly!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Sixteen
Though I am a negative person, who sees the worst in everyone, who expects the worst from the world, I find I hardly ever have a problem praising goodness & being excited about something original or noteworthy. That's why I am presenting this quite punny A Joke A Day joke in its entirety. I believe it's a good joke.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."
Only one quibble. The famous tongue twister, a pun upon which is the whole raison d'etre for this joke, is "she sells seashells by the seashore." Why did the person telling the joke need to name the girl Sally? Wouldn't the last line be even more funny if the punchline were just, "She sells C cells by the seashore"?
It would, but then, if that were the case, it just wouldn't be A Joke A Day.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."
Only one quibble. The famous tongue twister, a pun upon which is the whole raison d'etre for this joke, is "she sells seashells by the seashore." Why did the person telling the joke need to name the girl Sally? Wouldn't the last line be even more funny if the punchline were just, "She sells C cells by the seashore"?
It would, but then, if that were the case, it just wouldn't be A Joke A Day.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Ninth Anniversary Show
Yes, Self Help Radio has been on the air for nine years. The other night I counted roughly (well, I was drunk) over 450 (that's four-hundred-fifty) episodes of Self Help Radio over the years, or (as I do the math) about fifty episodes per year, which means either I'm pretty dedicated or I really should learn to enjoy vacations.
For this anniversary, I revisit a theme that I first tackled in 2004, & looking back over that playlist, I feel like back then I was phoning it in. No "Telstar"? No "Space Junk" by Devo? I must have thought of the show the night before! That's the cool thing about revisiting a theme - at least for me - I can try to revisit a theme with all the musical knowledge I've gained (&/or lost) in the intervening years.
I also made shirts for the show! Congrats to John, Kay, Chris & Ethan for winning. & during the week of the show, you can "like" my show on its Facebook page & then like the appropriate comment there to be eligible for a drawing to win a shirt just for being a Facebook friend. It's a happy anniversary all around!
The show is not in a degrading orbit, but at my degraded website, self help radio dot net, & of course it's been in a space collision, so it's in two parts. Part one is hurting toward the International Space Station. Part two is being hassled by a gang of micrometeors. The songs they're singing are mentioned below.
Here's to nine more years! Or months, really. I'm not greedy.
(part one)
"Sputnik I" T. A. Benham _Voices Of The Satellites_
"Beep Beep" Tom Glazer & Dottie Evans _Space Songs_
"The Sputnik Story" Bill Thomas __The Ultimate 50's Rockin' Sci-Fi Disc: American Sci-Fi Songs From The 1950s_
"War Of The Satellites" Man Or Astroman? _Postphonic Star Exploration_
"Telstar" The Tornados _It's Hard To Believe It! The Amazing World Of Joe Meek_
"Satellite" Teresa Brewer _Miss Versatility_
"Satellite Of Love" The Velvet Underground _Peel Slowly & See_
"Satellite" The Aluminum Group _Pelo_
"International Space Station" Figurine _Transportation + Communication = Love_
"Sputnik II" T. A. Benham _Voices Of The Satellites_
"Sputnik Kiss" The Revillos _From The Freezer_
"Satellite" Robyn Hitchcock _Eye_
"Satellite" Kicking Giant _Halo_
(part two)
"Satellite" Magnapop _Mouthfeel_
"Sputnik (Satellite Girl)" Jerry Engler & The Four Ekkos _That'll Flat Git It!, Vol. 6_
"Satellite # 2" Carl Mann _Carl Rocks!_
"Big Red Satellite" Hasil Adkins _The Wild Man_
"Sputnik's Down" Folk Implosion _Take A Look Inside_
"My House Is A Satellite" The Shapes _Songs For Sensible People_
"Mix Up The Satellites" Guided By Voices _Earthquake Glue_
"Explorer 1" T. A. Benham _Voices Of The Satellites_
"Satelllliiiiiteee" Flying Lotus _Cosmogramma_
"Space Junk" Devo _Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!_
"Satellites Like Butterflies" The June _Green Fields & Rain_
"Worry Satellite" South Ambulance _South Ambulance_
"Satellite" Luscious Jackson _In Search Of Manny_
For this anniversary, I revisit a theme that I first tackled in 2004, & looking back over that playlist, I feel like back then I was phoning it in. No "Telstar"? No "Space Junk" by Devo? I must have thought of the show the night before! That's the cool thing about revisiting a theme - at least for me - I can try to revisit a theme with all the musical knowledge I've gained (&/or lost) in the intervening years.
I also made shirts for the show! Congrats to John, Kay, Chris & Ethan for winning. & during the week of the show, you can "like" my show on its Facebook page & then like the appropriate comment there to be eligible for a drawing to win a shirt just for being a Facebook friend. It's a happy anniversary all around!
The show is not in a degrading orbit, but at my degraded website, self help radio dot net, & of course it's been in a space collision, so it's in two parts. Part one is hurting toward the International Space Station. Part two is being hassled by a gang of micrometeors. The songs they're singing are mentioned below.
Here's to nine more years! Or months, really. I'm not greedy.
(part one)
"Sputnik I" T. A. Benham _Voices Of The Satellites_
"Beep Beep" Tom Glazer & Dottie Evans _Space Songs_
"The Sputnik Story" Bill Thomas __The Ultimate 50's Rockin' Sci-Fi Disc: American Sci-Fi Songs From The 1950s_
"War Of The Satellites" Man Or Astroman? _Postphonic Star Exploration_
"Telstar" The Tornados _It's Hard To Believe It! The Amazing World Of Joe Meek_
"Satellite" Teresa Brewer _Miss Versatility_
"Satellite Of Love" The Velvet Underground _Peel Slowly & See_
"Satellite" The Aluminum Group _Pelo_
"International Space Station" Figurine _Transportation + Communication = Love_
"Sputnik II" T. A. Benham _Voices Of The Satellites_
"Sputnik Kiss" The Revillos _From The Freezer_
"Satellite" Robyn Hitchcock _Eye_
"Satellite" Kicking Giant _Halo_
(part two)
"Satellite" Magnapop _Mouthfeel_
"Sputnik (Satellite Girl)" Jerry Engler & The Four Ekkos _That'll Flat Git It!, Vol. 6_
"Satellite # 2" Carl Mann _Carl Rocks!_
"Big Red Satellite" Hasil Adkins _The Wild Man_
"Sputnik's Down" Folk Implosion _Take A Look Inside_
"My House Is A Satellite" The Shapes _Songs For Sensible People_
"Mix Up The Satellites" Guided By Voices _Earthquake Glue_
"Explorer 1" T. A. Benham _Voices Of The Satellites_
"Satelllliiiiiteee" Flying Lotus _Cosmogramma_
"Space Junk" Devo _Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!_
"Satellites Like Butterflies" The June _Green Fields & Rain_
"Worry Satellite" South Ambulance _South Ambulance_
"Satellite" Luscious Jackson _In Search Of Manny_
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Whither Space Junk?
Today is the day of the official ninth anniversary of Self Help Radio, which went on the air with no incident & probably no listeners, on 91.7 fm, KOOP Austin. It was a Wednesday at 2pm. The first theme I did was "The War Show," since around that time then-president Hurk W. Burk was talking about war, war, war, with Iraq, Iraq, Iraq. I was certain my little radio show could bring peace. No, I wasn't.
Anyway, it's nine years later & the one consistency (besides the show's basic ineffectual nature) is that I've been doing theme after theme - something like over 360 of them - & only repeating myself on rare occasions, like this week. I've decided that on my anniversary shows I'll repeat an old theme & so I shall!
I did a show about "space junk" in January of 2004. I remember loving the idea but not having nearly enough songs about satellites, which are the predominant "junk" humans put in space. I played some songs about meteors & comets, but I wanted songs about Sputnik, damn it! & yeah, I forgot all about the Tornados' "Telstar." Not this time, though.
Tomorrow morning, then, at 7:30 am, celebrate nine years (it's the pottery anniversary) of Self Help Radio. In Lexington, it's on the 88.1 frequency, but you can listen anywhere at wrfl dot fm. & if you want to celebrate later, by yourself, with the windows down, I totally understand & I'll put the show up at the Self Help Radio website.
Remember, tomorrow I'm giving away Self Help Radio special ninth anniversary tee shirts designed by my logo's creator, Austin artist extraordinaire Suloni Robertson. I'll also be giving a couple of shirts away to people who "like" my Facebook page, if you won't be listening in real time.
But if you're listening in the morning, can you bring the cakes & booze? I'm bringing the space junk music, after all.
Anyway, it's nine years later & the one consistency (besides the show's basic ineffectual nature) is that I've been doing theme after theme - something like over 360 of them - & only repeating myself on rare occasions, like this week. I've decided that on my anniversary shows I'll repeat an old theme & so I shall!
I did a show about "space junk" in January of 2004. I remember loving the idea but not having nearly enough songs about satellites, which are the predominant "junk" humans put in space. I played some songs about meteors & comets, but I wanted songs about Sputnik, damn it! & yeah, I forgot all about the Tornados' "Telstar." Not this time, though.
Tomorrow morning, then, at 7:30 am, celebrate nine years (it's the pottery anniversary) of Self Help Radio. In Lexington, it's on the 88.1 frequency, but you can listen anywhere at wrfl dot fm. & if you want to celebrate later, by yourself, with the windows down, I totally understand & I'll put the show up at the Self Help Radio website.
Remember, tomorrow I'm giving away Self Help Radio special ninth anniversary tee shirts designed by my logo's creator, Austin artist extraordinaire Suloni Robertson. I'll also be giving a couple of shirts away to people who "like" my Facebook page, if you won't be listening in real time.
But if you're listening in the morning, can you bring the cakes & booze? I'm bringing the space junk music, after all.
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Preface To Space Junk: Junk In Space!
There are lots of articles online about space junk, which is stuff we humans have sent into space which is now just cluttering up the place. It's not just satellites that no longer work - it includes trash we've left up there, & paint chips that have come off the space shuttle, & hatches blown off space modules. & these pieces of junk orbit the planet at around seventeen thousand miles an hour.
It's such a problem that there are several agencies, like the Center for Orbital and Reentry Debris Studies which is tasked to tracking & making sure stuff up there doesn't run into spacecraft or the International Space Station or anything we send up there (like currently functioning satellites). Here's a little animation to give you an idea what it's like up there. They say they're tracking 22,000 objects up there.
It doesn't just stay up there - lots of times the orbits degrade & the space junk returns - & you get news headlines like "Satellite Heading For Earth" & "NASA Satellite Falls On Canada: No One Hurt".
If you didn't want to click the little movie up there, here's a similar image from the European Space Agency:
It's such a problem that there are several agencies, like the Center for Orbital and Reentry Debris Studies which is tasked to tracking & making sure stuff up there doesn't run into spacecraft or the International Space Station or anything we send up there (like currently functioning satellites). Here's a little animation to give you an idea what it's like up there. They say they're tracking 22,000 objects up there.
It doesn't just stay up there - lots of times the orbits degrade & the space junk returns - & you get news headlines like "Satellite Heading For Earth" & "NASA Satellite Falls On Canada: No One Hurt".
If you didn't want to click the little movie up there, here's a similar image from the European Space Agency:
Friday, October 07, 2011
Ninth Anniversary Coming!
That's right! It's been approximately nine years since Self Help Radio began! Actually, it's officially eight years & three hundred & sixty three days, since Self Help Radio first went on the air on October 9, 2002. The management at KOOP radio immediately regretted their error but were too nice to say anything about it.
When I do my anniversary shows, I revisit an old theme - adding music I've discovered since the show aired, & sometimes tweaking the theme a bit - but this anniversary I'm doing something else that's special: I'm giving away tee shirts!
I've asked the original designer of the beat-up Self Help Radio bear, Suloni Robertson, to make a ninth anniversary version, & so she has. You can listen to show Monday for a chance to win!
I'm also going to give a couple of shirts away on my Facebook page, but you have to "like" the show to win. More information about this - & a preview of the new design! - will be forthcoming.
When I do my anniversary shows, I revisit an old theme - adding music I've discovered since the show aired, & sometimes tweaking the theme a bit - but this anniversary I'm doing something else that's special: I'm giving away tee shirts!
I've asked the original designer of the beat-up Self Help Radio bear, Suloni Robertson, to make a ninth anniversary version, & so she has. You can listen to show Monday for a chance to win!
I'm also going to give a couple of shirts away on my Facebook page, but you have to "like" the show to win. More information about this - & a preview of the new design! - will be forthcoming.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Fifteen
Sadness in the house of A Joke A Day! The death & dying of "jokes" causes a funereal atmosphere that may infect your own mailbox! Unsubscribe now!
The misogyny continues:
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
Should we laugh at the drunken man for his choice in unattractive mate? Or should we pity evil time which ages women, turns them into wrinkled shrews that require poor husbands to supplement themselves with the demon rum in order to simply share a bed? In the world of the A Joke A Day misogynist "joke," a husband picks a wife for her looks alone, unwisely foreseeing that age will take away the facade that makes her harpy-like personality bearable. Ha ha ha ha!
But women are all gold-diggers anyway, right, A Joke A Day?
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Let's hope John reconciles with this obvious greedhead so he can make jokes about her once she's grown prune-faced & old!
There was one slightly clever joke I liked this week. It was this one:
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
A possibly true story!
-----
If you're reading this today, Thursday the 6th, & you'd like to hear me sub WRFL's classic rock show The Belfry, you can do so from 4 to 6pm Lexington time on the 88.1 frequency, or you can listen online at the same time at wrfl dot fm. But I have to listen, you don't. I understand your reluctance.
The misogyny continues:
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
Should we laugh at the drunken man for his choice in unattractive mate? Or should we pity evil time which ages women, turns them into wrinkled shrews that require poor husbands to supplement themselves with the demon rum in order to simply share a bed? In the world of the A Joke A Day misogynist "joke," a husband picks a wife for her looks alone, unwisely foreseeing that age will take away the facade that makes her harpy-like personality bearable. Ha ha ha ha!
But women are all gold-diggers anyway, right, A Joke A Day?
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Let's hope John reconciles with this obvious greedhead so he can make jokes about her once she's grown prune-faced & old!
There was one slightly clever joke I liked this week. It was this one:
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
A possibly true story!
-----
If you're reading this today, Thursday the 6th, & you'd like to hear me sub WRFL's classic rock show The Belfry, you can do so from 4 to 6pm Lexington time on the 88.1 frequency, or you can listen online at the same time at wrfl dot fm. But I have to listen, you don't. I understand your reluctance.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Whither Come Home?
Have you always had a home to come home to? Apparently about one in every two hundred Americans is either homeless or finds themselves homeless every year.
Oftentimes on Self Help Radio, a particular phrase is explored - the show has explored songs with the construction "here i/you/he/she/it/they come(s)," for example. This week you'll hear nothing but songs about coming home. Mostly as a command: "come home!"
If the show were more popular, & you were abroad, or had otherwise abandoned the show, & the show knew it, the show might advertise itself with "Come home to Self Help Radio!" Self Help Radio, alas, is no one's home, so coming home to it is by definition impossible.
A lot of people spend a lot of time at WRFL, so it feels like home to many people, & to many radio shows, like Self Help Radio. Listen to Self Help Radio playing songs about coming home in its current home tomorrow (that's Monday) morning at 7:30am. You can listen in Lexington at the 88.1 frequency or you can listen online at the WRFL web site.
Actually, Self Help Radio is lucky enough to have two homes. It works at WRFL but rests at its own web site, self help radio dot net, where tomorrow's show will come home to later in the day.
Either way, please listen!
Oftentimes on Self Help Radio, a particular phrase is explored - the show has explored songs with the construction "here i/you/he/she/it/they come(s)," for example. This week you'll hear nothing but songs about coming home. Mostly as a command: "come home!"
If the show were more popular, & you were abroad, or had otherwise abandoned the show, & the show knew it, the show might advertise itself with "Come home to Self Help Radio!" Self Help Radio, alas, is no one's home, so coming home to it is by definition impossible.
A lot of people spend a lot of time at WRFL, so it feels like home to many people, & to many radio shows, like Self Help Radio. Listen to Self Help Radio playing songs about coming home in its current home tomorrow (that's Monday) morning at 7:30am. You can listen in Lexington at the 88.1 frequency or you can listen online at the WRFL web site.
Actually, Self Help Radio is lucky enough to have two homes. It works at WRFL but rests at its own web site, self help radio dot net, where tomorrow's show will come home to later in the day.
Either way, please listen!
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Preface To Come Home: Self Help Radio Come Home!
"Self Help Radio, Come Home!" was a popular so-called art-house movie made in Texas in 2004 as a sequel to the equally obscure but no less popular film "Self Help Radio."
In the film, which is based on the novella of the same name, the poor but proud Dickenbock family come upon hard times & are forced to sell their radio show, called "Self Help Radio," to the evil Duke Of Clearchannel. However, the plucky young radio show is unwilling to be apart from its owner, young Dickie Dickenbock, & sets out on a long & dangerous journey from the Duke's home in far-away Los Angeles to its home in Austin.
Also included is the gripping courtroom scene where the evil but well-funded Duke Of Clearchannel sues the pants off Richard Dickenbock & his family for breach of contract. Many critics call the pantsless Dickenbock family the highlight of the movie.
Surprisingly, no one "Self Help Radio" series sequels have been filmed.
In the film, which is based on the novella of the same name, the poor but proud Dickenbock family come upon hard times & are forced to sell their radio show, called "Self Help Radio," to the evil Duke Of Clearchannel. However, the plucky young radio show is unwilling to be apart from its owner, young Dickie Dickenbock, & sets out on a long & dangerous journey from the Duke's home in far-away Los Angeles to its home in Austin.
Also included is the gripping courtroom scene where the evil but well-funded Duke Of Clearchannel sues the pants off Richard Dickenbock & his family for breach of contract. Many critics call the pantsless Dickenbock family the highlight of the movie.
Surprisingly, no one "Self Help Radio" series sequels have been filmed.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Fourteen
The laughs fail to continue!
Okay, one joke made me smile this week. It was this one:
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, & a breadstick in his right ear. He says, "What is wrong with me?" The psychiatrist replies, "You are not eating properly."
I'm sure it was old the first time Henny Youngman told it, though.
One "joke" puzzled me this week. It was this one:
Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn't get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. "Darling! He blurted out, "Will you marry me?"
"Of course, I will, you silly boy," she replied, "Who's speaking?"
Perhaps you understand why it's funny. I don't know if it's supposed to be absurd, or if we're supposed to laugh at the poor lovesick man's predicament, or if it's hilarious that the woman appears to be desperate & promiscuous. None of those things actually make it funny, but perhaps whoever approves the "jokes" for the A Joke A Day mailing list thought it looked like a joke, so he/she/it sent it along.
This "joke" was utterly ruined by an uncaught spelling mistake:
A teacher asked students to bring old staff, 1 kid came with his grandpa.
That's the risk when you text in a joke!
Okay, one joke made me smile this week. It was this one:
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, & a breadstick in his right ear. He says, "What is wrong with me?" The psychiatrist replies, "You are not eating properly."
I'm sure it was old the first time Henny Youngman told it, though.
One "joke" puzzled me this week. It was this one:
Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn't get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. "Darling! He blurted out, "Will you marry me?"
"Of course, I will, you silly boy," she replied, "Who's speaking?"
Perhaps you understand why it's funny. I don't know if it's supposed to be absurd, or if we're supposed to laugh at the poor lovesick man's predicament, or if it's hilarious that the woman appears to be desperate & promiscuous. None of those things actually make it funny, but perhaps whoever approves the "jokes" for the A Joke A Day mailing list thought it looked like a joke, so he/she/it sent it along.
This "joke" was utterly ruined by an uncaught spelling mistake:
A teacher asked students to bring old staff, 1 kid came with his grandpa.
That's the risk when you text in a joke!
Monday, September 26, 2011
I Admit I Meant To Be Mean
I don't want to be mean, as I have a houseguest, but I do need to put this week's show, which is about mean people, on the web. I meant to do it earlier but at the time I didn't have the means. So I am being rude & doing it in the meantime.
The show is not at all mean, but may help you deal with mean people. That's not a promise. Nor a threat. It's just a thing. The show is at its normal place at self help radio dot net. The show is in two parts (contents of which are listed below) & the parts have been carefully named part one & part two.
(part one)
"Mean Old World" Sam Cooke _The Man Who Invented Soul_
"Mean World" The Mighty Mellow Tones _Heavy On Doo-Wop, Vol 10: Crystal Ball Records_
"Mean Man" Dreamtones _The Fargo Records Story_
"A Man Is A Mean Thing" Barbara Perry _Goldwax Northern Soul_
"Boys Can Be Mean" Sugar & The Spices _Girls With Guitars_
"Mean Woman Blues" Roy Orbison _The Definitive Collection_
"Mean Man" Betty Harris _Saturday Night Fish Fry: New Orleans Funk & Soul_
"Mean When I'm Mad" Eddie Cochran _The Eddie Cochran Box Set_
"Mean Old Devil" Bruce Haack _Rough Trade Shops - Electronic 01_
"Mean Mr. Mustard (take)" The Beatles _Anthology 3_
"Mean Time" Blue Aeroplanes _Weird Shit_
"You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" Thurl Ravenscroft _How The Grinch Stole Christmas_
(part two)
"Mean To Me" Billie Holiday _The Legacy Box 1933 - 1958_
"What Makes You Treat Me Mean" Speckled Red _Complete Recorded Works 1929-1938_
"Mean Talking Blues" Woody Guthrie _Hard Travelin': The Asch Recordings, Vol. 3_
"Jimmie's Mean Mama Blues" Jimmie Rodgers _The Singing Brakeman_
"A Boy Named Sue" Johnny Cash _At San Quentin_
"Mean Mama Boogie" Johnny Bond & His Red River Valley _Hillbilly Boogie_
"Treat Me Mean, Treat Me Cruel" Conway Twitty _The Rock & Roll Years_
"Mama, He Treats Your Daughter Mean (Nashville Version)" Ruth Brown _Night Train To Nashville: Music City Rhythm & Blues, 1945-1970_
"So Mean To Me" Little Milton _The Chess Story, 1947-1975: Vol. 9 - 1960-1961_
"Mean To Me" The Stranglers _Black & White_
"Don't Be So Mean" Madd, Inc. _Up From The Grave_
"Mean Ole Gal" Little Esther & Johnny Otis _Even More Mellow Cats 'n' Kittens: Hot R&B & Cool Blues 1945-1951_
"Mean Woman Blues" Buddy Raye _I'm Just The Other Woman: MSR Madness # 4_
The show is not at all mean, but may help you deal with mean people. That's not a promise. Nor a threat. It's just a thing. The show is at its normal place at self help radio dot net. The show is in two parts (contents of which are listed below) & the parts have been carefully named part one & part two.
(part one)
"Mean Old World" Sam Cooke _The Man Who Invented Soul_
"Mean World" The Mighty Mellow Tones _Heavy On Doo-Wop, Vol 10: Crystal Ball Records_
"Mean Man" Dreamtones _The Fargo Records Story_
"A Man Is A Mean Thing" Barbara Perry _Goldwax Northern Soul_
"Boys Can Be Mean" Sugar & The Spices _Girls With Guitars_
"Mean Woman Blues" Roy Orbison _The Definitive Collection_
"Mean Man" Betty Harris _Saturday Night Fish Fry: New Orleans Funk & Soul_
"Mean When I'm Mad" Eddie Cochran _The Eddie Cochran Box Set_
"Mean Old Devil" Bruce Haack _Rough Trade Shops - Electronic 01_
"Mean Mr. Mustard (take)" The Beatles _Anthology 3_
"Mean Time" Blue Aeroplanes _Weird Shit_
"You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" Thurl Ravenscroft _How The Grinch Stole Christmas_
(part two)
"Mean To Me" Billie Holiday _The Legacy Box 1933 - 1958_
"What Makes You Treat Me Mean" Speckled Red _Complete Recorded Works 1929-1938_
"Mean Talking Blues" Woody Guthrie _Hard Travelin': The Asch Recordings, Vol. 3_
"Jimmie's Mean Mama Blues" Jimmie Rodgers _The Singing Brakeman_
"A Boy Named Sue" Johnny Cash _At San Quentin_
"Mean Mama Boogie" Johnny Bond & His Red River Valley _Hillbilly Boogie_
"Treat Me Mean, Treat Me Cruel" Conway Twitty _The Rock & Roll Years_
"Mama, He Treats Your Daughter Mean (Nashville Version)" Ruth Brown _Night Train To Nashville: Music City Rhythm & Blues, 1945-1970_
"So Mean To Me" Little Milton _The Chess Story, 1947-1975: Vol. 9 - 1960-1961_
"Mean To Me" The Stranglers _Black & White_
"Don't Be So Mean" Madd, Inc. _Up From The Grave_
"Mean Ole Gal" Little Esther & Johnny Otis _Even More Mellow Cats 'n' Kittens: Hot R&B & Cool Blues 1945-1951_
"Mean Woman Blues" Buddy Raye _I'm Just The Other Woman: MSR Madness # 4_
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Whither Meanie?
"Mean People Suck" says a popular (once popular?) bumper sticker. It was also a movie with James Franco in it. In this article written for a life coaching website (for reals), it concludes "mean people don’t suck... their attitude does. Don’t take it personally!" You can oftentimes find quizzes online with questions (& choices like):
Who's etched in your memory as being the meanest person you've ever had to deal with?
An Ex!
Someone I thought was a Friend!
Lawyers!
Police!
Bill Collectors!
A Teacher!
My Parent/s!
A Stranger!
Someone not listed here!
A Boss or Supervisor!
(Bosses & supervisors, take note - you're less than "someone not listed here.")
You can buy tee shirts with the slogan on it.
Just like "chicks dig jerks," "mean people suck" appears to be a cliche Americans (maybe others) enjoy. But do mean people deserve to be celebrated on a radio show?
That's for you to decide. Listen to Self Help Radio tomorrow (that's Monday) morning at 7:30 am on the 88.1 frequency on Lexington radio or online at the wrfl.fm frequency if you're pretending your computer is a radio. If you're being mean about it & just won't listen, the show will be archived on the Self Help Radio website later in the day.
Mean people will probably come off pretty badly, but then, they always do. & yet they usually get everything they want.
Who's etched in your memory as being the meanest person you've ever had to deal with?
An Ex!
Someone I thought was a Friend!
Lawyers!
Police!
Bill Collectors!
A Teacher!
My Parent/s!
A Stranger!
Someone not listed here!
A Boss or Supervisor!
(Bosses & supervisors, take note - you're less than "someone not listed here.")
You can buy tee shirts with the slogan on it.
Just like "chicks dig jerks," "mean people suck" appears to be a cliche Americans (maybe others) enjoy. But do mean people deserve to be celebrated on a radio show?
That's for you to decide. Listen to Self Help Radio tomorrow (that's Monday) morning at 7:30 am on the 88.1 frequency on Lexington radio or online at the wrfl.fm frequency if you're pretending your computer is a radio. If you're being mean about it & just won't listen, the show will be archived on the Self Help Radio website later in the day.
Mean people will probably come off pretty badly, but then, they always do. & yet they usually get everything they want.