Do The Self Help Radio

Ah, dance crazes.  Who hasn't wanted to start &/or end one?  Today's Self Help Radio examines faddish & novelty dances that existed, that didn't exist, that were sarcastic commentaries on the whole concept of dance crazes, & even some dances that lasted long enough to become mainstream.  & since there was only ninety minutes, I read a bunch of other ones that I decided not to play.  Do you know how many songs about dances there are?  It's insane!

The show is dancing by itself at the Self Help Radio web site.  It's divided into two easy-to-learn steps: step one may involve putting your left foot out, while step two may involve something being shaken all about.  Details of the steps are below.

Thanks for coming to the dance!

(step one)

"Do The Dirt" The Meters _Cabbage Alley_
"Do The Clam" Elvis Presley _Girl Happy_
"Do The Hansa" The Cure _Join The Dots_

"The Twist" Chubby Checker _Twist With Chubby Checker_
"Do The Dog" Syko & The Caribs _Trojan Mod Reggae Box_
"Can Your Monkey Do The Dog" Rufus Thomas _Greatest Hits_
"Can Your Pussy Do The Dog?" The Cramps _A Date With Elvis_
"Land Of A Thousand Dances" Ike & Tina Turner _Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out! The Rolling Stones In Concert_
"I Gotta Do The Latest Dance" Gene Montgomery _Teen Town USA Vol. 5_

"Do The Choo Choo" Archie Bell & The Drells _Tightening It Up: The Best Of Archie Bell & The Drells_
"Tighten Up" Yellow Magic Orchestra _Kyoretsu Na Rhythm_
"Do The Brown Nose" The Dead Milkman _Death Rides A Pale Cow: The Ultimate Collection_

(step two)

"Do The Whirlwind" Architecture In Helsinki _In Case We Die_

"Do The Mashed Potatoes (Pt. 1)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Do The Booga Lou" King Coleman _It's Dance Time!_
"Do The Chop" The King Khan & BBQ Show _Invisible Girl_
"Do The Instant Mash" Joe Jackson _Look Sharp!_
"So, Do The Zonk" Donna Loren _Girls Go Zonk_
"Do The Zombie" The Symbols _Laff Blasts From The Past_
"The Time Warp" Cast _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_

"Do The Strand" Roxy Music _For Your Pleasure_
"Do The Donkey Kong" Buckner & Garcia _Pac-Man Fever_
"Do The Twistaroo" The Twistaroos _Twisted!_

Whither Do The Do?

We took the stray dog to the Humane Society today.  I hope she'll be okay.  We found out she was a she. She was sweet.  No one called the number after we put fliers out.  No one wrote to the Craigslist announcement.  How sad that, apparently, no one wants her.  I hope someone will.

Meanwhile, people continue to dance.  & dance they might during this week's Self Help Radio, which celebrates dance crazes from "The Twist" to "The Time Warp."  Maybe.  Or maybe so.  It's happening tomorrow morning (Monday) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen to it online.  Or you can wait till later, & listen to it online then.  Either way, you can't escape the newest craze: doing the Self Help.

Unless you don't listen.  You're safe if you're not paying any attention at all.

Preface To Do The Do: I Don't Know Any Dances

I haven't started to do my "research" for my "radio show" yet but I suspect there are a million or so different "dances" that will go beyond what the theme this week covers.  Beyond, you know, "Do The Twist," "Do The Tighten Up," "Do The Dog," etc.  It makes me want to do make songs up for dances that don't really exist: "Do The Ted Danson."  "Do The Colonoscopy."  "Do The Charming Junkie."

But a dog - tagless & friendly - interrupted while we were walking which we brought home & now it's hiding in our backyard.  I've put an ad on Craigslist & I wandered the neighborhood looking for anyone calling out a dog's name, but it's too late to put up flyers - we'll do that tomorrow.  I just think about the poor thing in our backyard!  He is not eating anything.  He's just miserable.

We simply can't adopt another dog, & I'm not sure if he'd be happy here.  But oh my sweet Ed Helms bobble doll, I would hate to have to turn him over to animal control.  Lexington is probably not no-kill.  There's that voice inside you that says, "If you had left him on the street, he might have found his way home."  But you know that might not be true.

If one of our dogs were missing, we'd be waking up the neighborhood.

The saddest dance of all: Do The Lost Dog.

Thinking About Cats Today

Is your cat an outdoor cat or an indoor cat?  & outdoor cat here means "a cat allowed outdoors that spends some time indoors."

There are those who feel obliged to honor their furry companion's genetic programming by letting it outdoors to spray & kill whatever its tiny heart desires.  Should you live in an urban setting, this is practically a guarantee that your "pet" (said with a verbal caveat represented here by quotation marks) will live a truncated lifespan.  Did it or you make that trade-off?

Then there are those who wants to make their kitten's life as safe & happy as possible, & keep the cat indoors, even though it does seem to want to get outside, to chase falling leaves, to explore rustling sounds, to chase bugs & birds.  Such cats will most probably live very long lives - the average cat age is twelve to fifteen years, but some can live as long as twenty.

Here is a list of the things that can happen to an outdoor cat which may severely truncate its lifespan: "traffic accidents, fights with other cats, intentional acts of violence, poisoning (accidental or intentional), diseases caught from other cats, being picked up by animal control & subsequently euthanized if not claimed, & death caused by predators."


It's also worth noting that cats allowed outdoors kill lots of birds.  Lots of them.  Perhaps up to a billion a year.

The cats that populate the Self Help Radio landscape stay indoors.  One of them is too frightened to go outside.  One of them has asthma, & would most probably suffer needlessly, & die horribly, if she strayed & did not get her medicine.  The third is tough black cat who just turned six who'd doubtless be a terrific hunter - but who has a low white blood cell count & would probably succumb to the first infection that came his way.

They are all loved to distraction.  They stay indoors because their presence is required as long as humanly (& felinely) possible.

Are We Meme Yet?

Here's a list of the most popular memes generated by people just like you (& maybe even you!).

If you don't know your meme, there's a handy place to go to find out what it's all about.

For example, you might see an image with a cartoon drawing of genius astrophysicist & science popularizer Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Underneath it is some variation of the phrase "Look out, we got a badass right here."  That's called a rage meme.  Not because anyone is angry - least of all Tyson, who is amused by the whole thing, but because it's a "rage" as in the idiom "all the rage," meaning very popular.

Some people wonder where memes go when they die.  Some people fear the death of memes, so they get tattoos of them.

Luckily for everyone there are many repositories of memes, like this one, & probably dozens more - there's not really enough time to find & list them all - especially since that appears to be the reason Tumblr exists - so you never have to be surprised by a new meme again!

More Indiepop For The Masses

Yes, my exercise in futility continues.  I finished the Gs!  I started the Hs!  There was lots of good music!  But I understand I may be eighty-eight when I get to the letter S.

Hey, I have a freeform show that I do before Self Help Radio (it's called Sugar Substitute) & I hijacked that show so I could cover more indiepop ground.  Therefore the list of songs below is in FOUR parts & covers almost THREE hours of radio.  I hope you enjoy.  Here are the links to the separate parts:

part one I part two I part three I part four

The shows - & maybe all thirty-five previous episodes of the Indiepop A To Z series - are available at the Self Help Radio website.  Look for the indiepop shows on the archive page.

& thanks so much for listening!

(part one)

"Made-Up Lovesong # 43" The Gulliemots _From The Cliffs EP_
"A Brief Encounter" Guther _Sundet_
"For Your Smile" Gypsophile _Just For A Day_

"Funky Little Song" Bruce Haack _Listen Compute Rock Home: The Best Of Dimension 5_
"Our Love Was" Petra Haden _Petra Haden Sings: The Who Sell Out_
"Heaven Help You Now" Paul Haig _The Warp Of Pure Fun_
"The Last Stop" The Haircuts _Sorrow Is The Way To Love_
"Election Day" Hal _Election Day_

"Charmed Life" Half Japanese _Greatest Hits_
"Joy Division Oven Gloves" Half Man Half Biscuit _Achtung Bono_
"Eclipse" Half String _Eclipse * Oval * Hue_

(part two)

"Second City Blues" Halftime Oranges _Rotterdamnation_
"Rich Girl" Hall & Oates _The Essential Collection_

"Virginia Reel Around The Fountain" The Halo Benders _The Rebel's Not In_
"Stay Away For Awhile" The Halo Bit _Stay Away For Awhile 7"_
"Two Stones In My Pocket" Neil Halstead _Sleeping On Roads_
"You Might Not Believe" Handsome Train _This Engine Should Do_
"Another Day" Hang David _Another Day_

"Top Of Morning" The Hang Ups _So We Go_
"Love Is Blue" The Hangman's Beautiful Daughters _Love Is Blue_
"Soho" The Hangovers _Slow Dirty Tears_
"Hurray" Hanky & Panky _Labrador 100_

(part three)

"All These Things" Darren Hanlon _I Will Love You At All_
"Popemobile" Arne Hansen & The Guitarspellers _So Happy I Could Pop (Vol 2)_
"That's What I'm For" The Hanshalf Trio _Woosh! - Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_

"Girls FM" Happy Birthday _Happy Birthday_
"Terry" The Happy Birthdays _The Happy Birthdays_
"Another Sunny Day" The Happy Couple _Fools In Love_
"Puritans" The Happy Family _Man On Your Street_
"Under A Song" Happy Losers _Beikoku-Ongaku Magazine # 12_

"Step On" Happy Mondays _Pills 'n' Thrills & Bellyaches_
"Camera Song" Happy Supply _Crucial Cuts_
"Heaven No!" Happydeadmen _Eleven Pop Songs_

(part four)

"The Boy I Was" Harbour Bar _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol. 2_
"Orchid Sunrise" The Harbour Pilots _Welcome To The Wetherbeat Scene 1988 - 1991_
"Sleepers" Harbourkings _Summercolts_
"Bastard Son" John Wesley Harding _Here Comes The Groom_

"Wonderful Lie" The Hardy Boys _The Hardy Boys Play Songs From The Lenin & McCarthy Songbook_
"Finland" Hari & Aino _Hari & Aino_
"Make Me Smile (Come Up & See Me)" Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel _The Best Years Of Our Lives_
"Train Not Stopping" Harper Lee _Everything Is Going To Be OK_

"(There Is) No Refrain" Harrison _(There Is) No Refrain 7"_
"Crackerbox Palace" George Harrison _Thirty Three & 1/3_
"Bambi Eyes" Harry Hunks _20 Miles An Hour_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 37?

(& 36 too!)

Tomorrow on both Self Help Radio & the show that I do which comes chronologically before it, which is called Sugar Substitute, I will be continuing the ridiculous indiepop project which I began too long ago to remember & which now stretches into a future that I might not actually make it all the way to.  This will be the 36th (on Sugar Substitute) & 37th (on Self Help Radio) editions of the Indiepop A To Z.  Spoiler alert: we'll finish the Gs!  Spoiling alert: we'll start the Hs!  I am spoiling you.

That's happening tomorrow morning - Monday the 30th - from 6 to 9am on the 88.1 frequency on the fm dial.  You can also listen online at wrfl dot fm.  & of course the show will be archived at self help radio dot net later tomorrow.

& hey!  I think almost all of the Indiepop A To Z collections are available on the Self Help Radio website!  Look through the archive page - you'll see!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 36 & 37: That Time Of Year Again

Oh god I don't know I am so obsessed with alphabetization.  What is wrong with me?

A person who feels the need to put things like bands they like in such order must have an underlying psychological condition.  By itself it's probably not so bad - but there surely are other issues involved.  Combined with, let's say, a discomfort at disorder or an unease with disorganization.  Do you see?  Everything starts to add up to - oh jeez - a condition.  For fuck's sake, should I be seeking professional help?  Getting myself a bespectacled head shrinker with a cold, stiff divan & telling my life story to someone paid to listen?  How can that be helpful?  I don't mean to discount the profession.  Just, I suppose I fear that the first thing that'll happen is that I'll be asked if I want some medications.  Kind of tempting...  Let's be honest, I've sort of been through this kind of thing before.  My psychological visits twenty years ago were deeply disappointing.  Not that I didn't need them - it's just that things didn't connect between me & the (admittedly poorly paid) analysts I was assigned to.  Oh, I know, people say it's as hard as finding a good doctor, finding a good psychologist, but I had neither the time nor the money.  Perhaps now, since I am older & more financially secure, it would be a different experience.  Questions I ask now would be more pointed.  Reactions might be better understood with greater experience.  Sessions could be processed with a (I can't believe I'm saying this) more mature mind.  Talk therapy, we are always told, is good thing, that it works.  Until it doesn't, unless it doesn't.  Very good, my love of order appears not to exist in my rationalizing mind.  Weaseling my way out of something I've never even committed to!  Xenophobes probably have more fun looking at maps!  You see what I am up against?  Zero probability of mental wellness in the near future!

This Random Dream About The Fall

I don't have a lot of dreams about The Fall even though I play them on virtually ever damn radio show I do these days.  I've seen them live maybe four times (the last time was the most recent famous meltdown, where Mark Smith fired the band after playing perhaps twenty minutes) (which is a thrilling thing for a Fall fan to see!) & the chances of me seeing them live in the near future are nil to none.  (But I might be going to Europe at the end of the year, so perhaps...)

I did dream about them last night.  The situation requires a bit of a backstory.  With recent advances in technology - which is to say, phones that can act as recording devices - it's easy to wander up to a more or less accessible musician & ask him/her/it if they would like to do an Artist ID for the radio station.  I did exactly none of these for KVRX or KOOP - but they weren't considered much of a priority at either station.  At WRFL, though, they got dozens of those things!  Stretching back many moons!  & not just musicians either - my favorite is the late, great Evel Knievel!

I managed to get one last year when I saw Darren Hanlon in Cincinnati & I got one when I saw the Wedding Present in Chicago last month.  But I've missed more than I've gotten - mainly because I forget, since it's not really a priority in my mind.  For example, when I was hanging out with my friends Bearsuit in Austin last year, I could totally have at any time gotten an artist ID.  I was just having too much fun to ask.

Oh, & you can't just beg people to do it through the emails.  They say they will but never do.  Or they just don't write back.  Because it's a little presumptuous!

In the dream I am in some kind of convenience store & I bump into Mark E. Smith, the mastermind of the Fall.  He's much shorter than I am - whether that's true in real life I don't know - & he seems to be a younger version of the very aged malcontent you see these days.  I ramble on about how much I like the Fall & even tell him that I knew I loved them when, like when you learn a language you know you're getting it when you dream in that language, I started to dream in The Fall.  He seems utterly uninterested in this information as well he should be.

A little embarrassed by my fanboy nonsense, I walk away & then think, "Holy crap I could get an artist ID!"  I find my wife - who has the iPhone I'll need to record the spot - & approach Mark Smith, now with his much-younger-than-he-is band, & ask them if that's okay.  They don't seem to mind, so I find some paper to write "WRFL Lexington" on so they can say something like, "Hi this is the Fall you're listening to" etc.

Here's where the dream becomes a typical Gary dream: the wife's iPhone has a lot of programs running that I need to keep closing until I can open the audio recording one.  Of course, an iPhone doesn't work that way, like a computer with screen after screen on a busy desktop, but in the dream it did, & I got upset at the wife  for running so many damn apps simultaneously.

Then, for some reason, I can't seem to write WRFL properly.  I am misspelling the call letters of my radio station!  I am writing with a black sharpie & I it's coming out W R E E or W R E L or some other combination that only vaguely resembles the actual call letters.

When I finally get it right, the band has gathered around Mark Smith & they do the ID.  You know, the folks who might not be in the band for the next record.  While the Fall's one constant sits there & smirks.

It almost made me not want to try to get artist IDs any more.

The Old Civic Servant

Fancies himself a kind of playboy.  Jokes that he gets time off for good behavior.  Isn't entirely convinced the haiku is an art form, let alone a form of poetry.  Was frightened as a child by a sculpture & hasn't visited an art museum since.

Likes to say he "loves hard & loves often."  Listens almost exclusively to radio stations that play music for teenagers.  Admits however that he has a soft spot for the Beatles.  Proceeds to break into his favorite song, which is "Yellow Submarine."

Used to play tennis but now can't seem to find the time.  Has an uncompleted five hundred piece jigsaw puzzle on his dinner table which the cat sleeps on.  Remembers that his father had a thing for Zane Grey.  Tells everyone he'd like to read more.

Hasn't been to the dentist since probably two thousand and two.  Punctuates his sentences with the phrase "I know my stuff."  Likes the spring better than the fall because it gets warmer & green is his favorite color.  Won't let you get a word in edgewise.

Nearly backed into a group of schoolchildren once.  Got lucky because he had been drinking.  Wants you to know that he hardly ever gets behind the wheel if he's had even one drink.  Insists in any event that he can hold his liquor.

May want to show you his scar from the bypass operation.  Has a few funny stories about nurses & morphine if you want to hear them.  Becomes very quiet these days when asked about where he worked & his pension.  Doesn't understand why it was such a bad thing.

Is getting up to go now.  Makes a few well-rehearsed comments about the noises his old bones make.  Seems a little forgetful about the etiquette involved with leaving a new acquaintance.  Decides to give a little wave & says his goodbyes.

Miracle Of Miracles

The only thing more miraculous than a Self Help Radio show about miracles is that Self Help Radio is still on the radio after nearly ten years!  Does this mean I could be a saint?  Will I get my own holiday?  Do they have saint conventions like Star Trek conventions where the beatified gather to answer questions, sign autographed photos (twenty bucks a pop), & perform a couple of sleight-of-hand miracles?  That would be awesome.  I could sell "Self Help Radio: The Unauthorized Hagiography"!

Though of course the word "miracle" technically implies something supernatural, I do sometimes feel that it's a minor miracle that I finish a show every week.  Hey!  I never said it was a good minor miracle!  You can listen to a show about miracles at the Self Help Radio website.  You can listen to the show directly (it's in two parts) (the two parts are detailed below) by clicking the following links: part one & part two.

It will be a miracle if you listen!

(part one)

"Miracles Are Hard To Find" Tullycraft _Old Traditions, New Standards_
"Make Me A Miracle" Jimmie Rodgers _The Best Of Jimmie Rodgers_
"Miracles & Wonders" The Chameleons _Why Call It Anything?_

"It's Gonna Take A Miracle" The Royalettes _Growin' Up Too Fast: The Girl Group Anthology_
"Miracles Will Start To Happen" Jonathan Richman _Jonathan Richman_
"A Miracle" Handful Of Snowdrops _Land Of The Damned_
"Promised You A Miracle" Simple Minds _New Gold Dream (81-82-83-84)_

"You Sexy Thing" Tom Tom Club _Dark Sneak Love Action_
"More Than A Miracle" Garnet Mimms _Cry Baby/Warm & Soulful_
"Miracle Man" Dorothy Black _Sister Funk_

(part two)

"It's A Miracle" Willie Hightower _Willie Hightower_
"I Believe In Miracles" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go!: The Anthology_

"Miracle Of Miracles" Eugene Chadbourne _Knitting On The Roof: Modern Interpretations Of The Classic Musical Fiddler On The Roof_
"Miracle Man" Elvis Costello _My Aim Is True_
"If I Could Work Miracles" The Bartlebees _What Is It All About?_
"Face Of Jesus Seen On A Miracle Hippy" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"The Miracle Of Love" Eurthymics _Revenge_
"I Ain't No Miracle Worker" The Brogues _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_

"Miracles Take Longer" Television Personalities _Yes Darling, But Is It Art?_
"Waiting For The Miracle" Leonard Cohen _The Future_

Whither Miracles?

Do you believe in miracles?  Are you an American?  If so, the chances are very good that you do.  The Pew Forum on religion, in a 2010 survey, found that 80% of Americans believe in miracles.

But what exactly is a miracle?  If you're in a terrible weather situation - as many have been in the last few months, with tornadoes destroying whole swaths of Indiana, Texas, & Kentucky - & you somehow survive the event with little or no damage, is that a "miracle"?  Some people certainly think so.

However, the religious definition of a miracle is an event that is inexplicable with the laws of nature, & is therefore of a supernatural nature & origin, usually through a (mostly Christian) god, but oftentimes through his saints & channelers, such as televangelists, or through supernatural agents, like angels.

But it's not too far a linguistic jump to say that how you survived the tornado above was through prayer to your deity, or through prayer to his saints, or through the invisible actions of his angels, who chose to move the tornado away from you & destroy the lives of someone else.

Some people believe it's a miracle that Self Help Radio has been allowed to be on the radio for almost a decade.  Frankly, Self Help Radio thinks it's just dumb luck.

Listen to Self Help Radio play songs & chat about miracles tomorrow from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen with the miracle of radio or with the miracle of the internets.  Or you can find out about the show too late to listen to it in real time & listen to it thanks to the miracle of online archiving.

If you listen, it will truly be a miracle.

Preface To Miracles: You Sexy Thing

Self Help Radio labors forever in obscurity, & kinda deserves it, but on the radio on Mondays the deejay will often say, "If you have ideas for themes, or if you want to request a song for the show next week, you can always email me at Gary at Self Help Radio dot net."  Needless to say, the "email-bag" is hardly ever filled by listener requests - in fact, it's usually just full of desperate African potentates & information about penis enlargement &/or engorgement.

However, this week, the show about "miracles," having been duly announced on the previous Monday, encouraged not one but two Lexingtonians to write in & request a song.  That song?  "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate.  The song is so well known that it has its own Wikipedia page.  The reason for the request, of course, is the continually repeated lyric, "I believe in miracles."  (You can read the full lyrics here.)  Indeed, if you search for the song, there's a good chance that, in this day & age of mis-identified songs, you'll find it entitled "I Believe In Miracles."  One of the correspondents called it that in the request email!

You can watch a lip-synched version by the band (who were British - did you know that?) on Youtube here.  & you can expect to hear it on Self Help Radio on Monday.  Unless!  Might there be a funky version of it somewhere?

Is it disrespectful to play covers of songs people request, especially if the song is as popular & well known as "You Sexy Thing"?

Four-Twenty

Wikipedia uses the phrase "cannabis culture" & that amuses me.

Here's an anecdote that will demonstrate to you how square I am & always have been. When I was the Program Manager for KVRX in the 90s, I made it a point to tape & listen to everyone's show at least twice during the semester. The most difficult were always the late-night shows - since I was taping the shows with cassettes, I'd have to drag myself out of bed to turn the tape on, &, since most shows were two hours long, I'd have to wake again an hour later, & turn the tape over (hooray for 120 minute tapes!). Why I didn't just stay awake & listen to the show I don't know. It made sense at the time.

One new deejay at the station, in both shows of hers that I listened to, would come on the mic at (of course) 4:20 am & say, "It's four-twenty." She would interrupt a song while doing that. When talking to her about her show, I told her, "You can wait until a regular airbreak to tell people the time." She rolled her eyes & said, "You mean you don't know?" & I was schooled about 4:20. By the way, this same woman told me that "4-20" referred to the police code for possession, a common urban legend. & hilariously, she once came up to me & told me, "I've given up drugs!" & I said, "Wow, you're not smoking pot any more?" She said, "Pot isn't a drug! It's natural!"

I guess it's better than celebrating April 20 as Hitler's birthday!

Fragments Of A Haunted Song

"The fire, it almost starts itself
Looks like water comes from somewhere else
& I could use a thing or two today"

I threw these lyrics, which are from the song "Gone Tomorrow" by Lambchop, on their new record, at a few people younger than I am, people I barely know, as an example of how songs could haunt me. The collective response was disinterest as best, dismissal at worst. "I guess the water comes from somewhere else," one person said, looking around as people do when they've told a joke but wait to see if anyone else recognizes it as such before they admit it was actually a joke.

But the words act in my brain - as many lyrics often do - as the closest I'll thing I'll ever be able to understand or accept as a koan, which is, as one online dictionary defines it, "a nonsensical or paradoxical question to a student for which an answer is demanded, the stress of meditation on the question often being illuminating."

More often than not such fragments - & usually the entire song - just fills me up with emotions that I want to experience rather than understand.

I am a bad fake Buddhist.

Windows Airs

As the weather has gotten nicer, Self Help Radio, which spends a lot of time staring out of windows, has now felt comfortable opening the windows, & it's really about time, too, because it's kinda smelly in here. Opening the windows led to thinking about songs about windows, & thinking about songs inevitably leads to a show about the songs themselves. So one window opens while a show about windows airs!

The show is available on all operating systems, not just ones that are the namesake of this show's theme. It's available at the Self Help Radio website. Hey! If you're impatient & want to download the show directly, you can do so by clicking the following links: part one | part two. What's in each part is below.

Oh no! Bugs are coming in the window!

(part one)

"Window" The Microphones _Window_
"The Window" Acrylics _Lives & Treasure_
"Out The Window" Violent Femmes _Why Do Birds Sing?_

"Get Away From That Window" The Pickard Family _The History Of Country & Western Music Vol. 1 (1927-1928)_
"Love Jumped Through My Window" Arthur Lee & Band Aid _Vindicator_
"The Other Window" Wire _154_
"Stained-Glass Windows In The Sky" Felt _Poem Of The River_
"Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo" Luxuriator _Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo_
"Windows Of The World" Scott Walker _Scott 2_

"Take A Look Out Your Window" Pataphysics _Take A Look Out Your Window_
"My Little Window" Jack Scott _Great Scott!_
"Storm Windows" John Prine _Storm Windows_

(part two)

"The Window Song" The Mountain Goats _Protein Source Of The Future... Now!_

"My Window" Help Stamp Out Loneliness _Help Stamp Out Loneliness_
"Open A New Window" The Arbors _The Very Best Of The Arbors_
"She Came In Through The Bathroom Window" Joe Cocker _Happy_
"Life From A Window" The Jam _This Is The Modern World_
"Last Of The Window Cleaners" Momus _The Ultraconformist_

"Cleaning Windows" Van Morrison _Beautiful Vision_
"The Window (live)" Leonard Cohen _Field Commander Cohen: Tour Of 79_
"From My Bedroom Window" Dear Nora _We'll Have A Time_
"Cleaning The Windows" Kentucky Friend Chicken Training _Kentucky Fried CD_

Whither Windows?

Today was a day where windows were handy. Tomorrow will be a day of celebration for windows.

Self Help Radio will be heard through all open & (in cars) rolled down windows all over Lexington tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am. You can listen online at the WRFL web page or you can simply go to the audio stream.

If you can't get your windows open, or if your day is prematurely thrown out the window, you can listen to the episode later on at your convenience at the Self Help Radio website.

Seriously, crack a window. It smells awful in here.

Preface To Windows: Not That Kind You Know

You must resist the urge to equate the word "window" with a computer operating systems.

My favorite window memories are drawing on windows fogged by the cold when I was bored child. I also used to love slowly revealing the outdoors by rubbing the window fog away.

My family once lived at an apartment complex, the back end of which abutted the parking lot of a Lutheran Church. The parking lot, of course, was in church's rear. Some kids who went to school with me went to that church. Our apartment faced the church's parking lot, & my bedroom window looked out over the parking lot. Once in middle school, a girl who went to the church complained to me that her entire family could see, through my window, my sleeping body as they exited their car on Sunday mornings. I was surprisingly unself-conscious about this information, & don't remember changing my behavior. The window faced the east, & I loved being awakened by the rising sun. Now I feel a little flattered that something so innocuous caused church-goers to comment. It's not like I slept in the nude!

I have never been much of a voyeur, but I think that most people dream of seeing something surprising & revealing in a stranger's window. & maybe that's why most of us don't want people to stare into our windows. I would prefer blinds or curtains over every window. What do I have to hide? What do you have to hide?

A friend of a friend was in a Christian rock band in Dallas during my college years & I could never remember what they were called. They were called something like "House Without Walls," which is (of course) a reference to something in scripture. But during one visit to Dallas, I asked the friend whose friend was in the band, "Do you ever make music with him anymore, or does he still play in that Christian rock band - what are they called, World Without Windows?"

My friend corrected me but said, "I think yours is a better band name."

Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Are you afraid of Friday the 13th? You ought not be. But you should. From time immemorial, when we didn't have good records, to time memorial, which is what we also call now, when we have better records but people are instead saving music to their computers, humans all over the place have been afraid of Friday the 13th & that include many people's mothers.

Why would scared parents warn impressionable children of a day like any other which happened to be a Friday &, if the calendar is to be believed, also the 13th? Scholars & circus people alike have spent many hours poring through the annals of human thought (sometimes the two DVD set) overlooking the underpinnings of this nefarious date. Here's something similar to what they found:

- On Friday the 13th, people who otherwise can pronounce English words more or less correctly find certain vowel combinations difficult. "Dairy" becomes "diary." "Tier" becomes "tire." & some for strange reason "beet" becomes "beat."

- On a Friday the 13th when the moon is waxing gibbous, people who drive to work can't get the melody - but not the words - of "Frère Jacques" out of their heads.

- On a Friday the 13th in a Leap Year, any group of thirteen people - even if they don't know each other - must apologize profusely to passers-by or, if they're in an office, or a lobby, or an elevator - mutter undignified excuses to themselves, or else their children's children will be cursed with temporary ineffectualness on important national holidays.

There are terrifying stories about folks who chose to toy with their fates on Friday the 13th, & unfortunately none of them have survived to tell their tales. Here are some moderately accurate recreations:

- On Friday the 13th, 1891, a young man in Ohio refused to offer blandishments to a young maiden who was expecting them, & sixteen years later that young man was forced by President Theodore Roosevelt to put his head in a recently killed moose.

- On Friday the 13th some time in the last seven years, two children who have since stopped being children because of aging were struck by the inherent awfulness of cartoons in the 1980s & never spoke of it again.

- On Friday the 13th when it used to matter, a young minor league Baseball booster decided to cross the street under a ladder walking barefoot over a broken mirror & was accidentally side-swiped by a car owned but not driven by none other than Stevie Wonder's former bodyguard's niece.

How do psychologists treat those with an irrational fear of this day? It turns out it's the same way they treat those with rational fear of this day: with powerful chocolate-scented narcotics. Should you be one of those unfortunate souls without access to decidedly unethical analysts, there are some over-the-counter & over-the-top treatments recommended by those who ought to know better. Try at your own risk.

- Anything with lanolin smeared on any part of you that resembles a sheep.
- A red scarf draped over a blue hat billowing out of a yellow sportscar.
- Reading any three of Shakespeare's sonnets to a surly senior citizen.
- Standing uncomfortably in a hobby store asking uncomfortable questions.
- Calendar avoidance &/or "accidental" date rearranging.

Most of all, you should be entirely aware of the arbitrary nature of this day which happens to be a Friday coinciding with the thirteenth of the month (luckily, not all months have thirteen days). The ancient Eritreans, for example, found Tuesday the 3rd to be full of ill omens, especially if bills were due. Certain South American city-states used to plan no weddings, funerals, or ice cream socials on any Wednesday that fell on a 4th or 14th. & of course certain religious sects have cautioned against going against holy dicta on even-numbered months that fell in odd-numbered years, but you expect that sort of thing from them, don't you?

Hopefully the more information you know about the history of "Friday the 13th," the less you have an irrational fear of it! Have a happy 13th of Friday!

Second-Person Shooter Adventures

The Development Officer has an idea. It finds its way to a post-it note. The post-it note does not exist in the physical world per se - it's a small program on the Development Officer's laptop. "That's all right," she thinks, "the idea does not exist in the physical world either."

"That's where you're wrong," says the Production Manager. She is facing quite an unhappy group of developers this morning. She doesn't have time for the Development Officer's half-baked, hare-brained ideas. She quickly fires off a memo to corporate. The memo also doesn't exist in the physical world per se - it's an ingenious application designed for the office's internal network by the Computer Guy.

The Computer Guy, whom everyone called "Jesse," took too many pills last night. He has a terrible habit of taking his friends' prescription medications if they happen to leave them at his place. Or if he happens to be at their place & finds some in their medicine cabinets. He used to take the time to look up the pills in a Big Book Of Pharmaceuticals, but now he just takes them, often in small handfuls, & waits to see how they affect him. One result is: he sometimes does not remember what he did for hours before the effects wear off.

He does not know, for example, that he hacked into his own system - he may have thought he was testing its security, although he obviously knew more about it than any intruder would - & sent out sensitive documents to everyone in the office as well as some who worked from home & others who were subscribed to his Doctor Who mailing list. But thanks to the pills he took around 11:30 pm the night before, he does not know it was he who breached security.

The Chief Financial Officer has spent the morning "putting out fires," as he puts it, so when he finds the Development Officer's idea, sent among a flurry of emails while angry workers storm in & out his office all morning long, he finds the timing so ludicrous that he believes she must have somehow been responsible for the late-night security problem.

The Chief Financial Officer orders Jesse the Computer Guy to surreptitiously search the Development Officer's computer under suspicion of the crime. He tells Jesse, "You know the stakes are high - if you can't find something, make sure you still find something." Jessie the Computer Guy is still a little too messed up to really understand what he's being asked to do.

In the small hallway outside the break room, the Production Manager, who has in the past believed that the Computer Guy has something of a thing for her, corners Jesse & asks about the investigation into the hacking. The Production Manager has not been included in the investigation by the Chief Financial Officer because many of the leaked documents show her in a favorable light toward the employees - defending popular projects, authorizing overtime, supporting (as Production Managers often do) her employees - & while the Chief Financial Officer does not exactly suspect her, he does not entirely trust her at this point in time.

Although the Production Manager is somewhat correct - the Computer Guy doesn't exactly have "something of a thing for her," he just enjoys looking at her breasts - she is not prepared for him to confess that he's been asked to do something unethical, if not illegal, to put the blame on the Development Officer. This gives the Production Manager an idea - & it's not one she commits to a post-it note that does not exist in the physical world.

Later, after the Production Manager has been promoted to Production Director, & the Chief Financial Officer has been suspended pending a criminal investigation, the Development Officer overhears Jesse the Computer Guy tell an intern, whose breasts he enjoys looking at, that it's not entirely true to say that things that are "on a computer," like mp3 files or text documents, "don't exist in the real world," as they are composed of physical things called "bytes," which, he points out, used to be kept on very tangible items like floppy discs, & which now need to be stored on a "hard drive" inside the computer.

The Development Officer suddenly suspect the Computer Guy of hacking his own system &, although she can't understand why he'd do such a thing - he didn't benefit in any way from the episode - she still tells her suspicions - in person - to the new Production Director & the interim Chief Financial Officer.

Come To My Church (Show)

Two things to be aware of about this show: first, I plan my shows some time in advance & I had no idea - really - that I'd be doing a show about church the day after Easter. It's a big coincidence. & second, I think I've only been in a church for church-like business (that is to say, not sight-seeing, as at Notre Dame or a place like that) (& by church-like business, I mean, sermons or weddings or whatever) maybe twenty times in my life (if that). Nothing about churches or the business of going to church is part of my make-up - & I know some people who love church & I know some people who hate having been forced to go to church as a child. I hope the show delights the former & does not terrify the latter. & I hope my ignorance of the subject doesn't detract from the songs I play.

Churches real, imaginary, & both are explored on today's show. You can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. If you'd like a direct link to the shows, they are in two parts & they are here: part one, part two. I've handily listed the songs in each part so you don't have to.

The nice thing about a Self Help Radio show about church is: you don't have to tithe!

(part one)

"Get Me To The Church On Time" Rosemary Clooney _Rosie Solves The Swingin' Riddle_
"Church In The Wildwood" The Carter Family _Prayers From Hell: White Gospel & Sinner's Blues 1927-1940_
"The Magnificent Church" The Gargoyles _Steamflapper_

"Let The Church Roll On" Morehouse College Quartet _Atlanta, Ga. Gospel 1923-1931_
"A Little Old Church In England (with Ray Eberle & the Modernaires)" Glenn Miller _The Gold Collection_
"I Met Her In Church" The Box Tops _Soul Deep: The Best Of The Box Tops_
"Methodist Church" The Girls _Reunion_
"Meet Me In Church" Bobby Marchan _Cameo Parkway 1957-1967_

"Church Not Made With Hands" The Waterboys _A Pagan Place_
"The Church Of John Coltrane" Saint Jude's Infirmary _Happy Healthy Lucky Month_

(part two)

"The Vatican Rag" Tom Lehrer _That Was The Year That Was_

"Make Your Church Crackle & Glow (Parsley Sound Mix)" Ronnie Willhoite _The Doorkeepers: A Church Leadership Development Program For Ushers_
"Church Of The Poison Mind" The Yell Leaders _Gag Me With A Spoon: Don't Records Celebrates The 1980s_
"Cleaning A Church" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Date To Church" The Replacements _All For Nothing/Nothing For All_
"To The Church" Lloyd Cole _Lloyd Cole_

"The Church On The Corner" Sound Of Six _The Church On The Corner_
"They Tore The Old Country Church Down" Goodwin Trio _Hallelujah Hoedown_
"All Seven Deadly Sins Were Committed At A Church Bake Sale" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"Waiting At The Church" Julie Andrews _Don't Go Into The Lion's Cage Tonight_
"Church Bells Blues" Luke Jordan _Broke, Black & Blue, Vol. 1: Up Country Blues_
"Church, I'm Fully Saved Today" Blind Willie Johnson with Willie B. Harris _Dark Was The Night (1927-1930)_

Whither Church?

It's entirely coincidental that Self Help Radio's show about church is happening after Easter Sunday.

Self Help Radio has never been to church.

This is somewhat remarkable, since Self Help Radio resides in Lexington, & Lexington is a city of churches.

This website counts 382 churches in Lexington. That's a church for every 700 or so people.

Don't try to find out which city has the most churches per capita in the world online. There are lots of competing answers. Plus quibbles about the question.

Though the city of Wheaton, Illinois, gets the honor, according to the game Trivial Pursuit.

Here's something I didn't know: Garland, Texas, which is my hometown, & has a population of around 220,000 people (60,000 less than Lexington), has apparently more than 500 churches.

That simply can't be true.

There might be more overt religiosity in Garland (& all of Texas) but I can't imagine there'd be so many churches.

I could be wrong, though.

Churches real & imaginary will be discussed & sang about tomorrow morning on Self Help Radio's show about churches. No tithing necessary! In Lexington (near any church) on 88.1 fm or online at WRFL dot fm. The audio stream is right here. The show will be archived later in the holy sanctuary at self help radio dot net.

As Mike Birbiglia said, "This week it's Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday, then Fuckin' Monday."

Preface To Church: What Comes Between Good Friday & Easter Sunday?

Apparently it's called Holy Saturday. That's a little disappointing, although it shouldn't be - after all, "Good Friday" is a little underwhelming as a name for a religious holiday. Often people will say things like, "Have a good Friday!" & they're certainly not suggesting that you celebrate the crucifixion of a religious figure.

However, one of the more interesting stories about Holy Saturday is that Jesus - who was of course at that point quite dead - literally goes to hell.

Don't take that the wrong way! He went there of his own accord & just to free the heroes of the Old Testament, from Adam & Eve on up. The implication - & if you weren't ever taught this, you're probably not Catholic - was that, before Jesus' death, everyone went to hell. Noah was in hell. Moses was in hell.

But Jesus only brings people from the Old Testament to heaven. Great humans of pagan faiths have to stay there. & probably no one explain to Socrates, say, why his old chess buddy Solomon just disappeared one day. Unless maybe Satan told them later, just to fuck with them.

It makes you wonder - did Jesus have that planned all along? Or did he think, right after his death, "Oh I know what I can do!" & though there's any real consensus on the subject - most Protestants utterly reject the notion, since there's nothing really in scripture about it - it's impressive how much Jesus got done on a day that for the most part he could have just taken it easy.

Did you get as much done today?

Saccades

"We cannot consciously control the speed of movement between stops & during each saccade, the eyes move as fast as they can."

That's from here.

The more we learn about ourselves, the more we discover we are less & less the overt controllers of our lives & thoughts.

This reminds me of a conversation I had over twenty years ago with a girlfriend & one of her girlfriends & that girlfriend's boyfriend. I'll call them Betty, Veronica & Reggie. I am as always Jughead.

Reggie was going on & on about something something Ayn Rand something. He was a bit of a self-important douche & I had had little or no experience with Randianism at the time so when he praised "logic" & "rationality," I thought he was more or less on my side. At least he didn't go on & on about the virtues of being selfish. He was talking & he made some comment about emotions being chemical.

The two women with us gasped. "Do you really believe that?" Betty said. (Yes, my Betty.) Reggie said sure, probably glad to have the chance to debate something, since none of us really cared to interrupt his monologue. She then turned to me & said, "Jughead, do you believe our emotions are chemicals?"

I was put in a difficult situation. I am pretty much a materialist & have rarely, if ever, seriously entertained supernatural explanations for anything. But I was being stared at a woman I loved who was asking a loaded question: DID I REALLY BELIEVE THIS CODSWALLOP? DO I DARE TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO THINKS SO LITTLE OF EMOTIONS?

Interestingly, I don't remember how I responded. It didn't end the relationship at that time. When I remember it, I curse myself for not asking the more serious question in response, which is this: "If our emotions are not chemical, what are they?"

There's some irony in getting emotional about being confronted with the material nature of emotions. As a species, we're the only living things on this planet that use the results of material processes - like thinking thoughts - to convince ourselves that the things that are produced by these processes are not & cannot be material. They seem more than that. To a lot of people. Like the feeling of love seeming like more than a chemical process.

& meanwhile, "Saccades are the fastest movements produced by the human body."

Birthday Dog!

Our old man George turns 14 today! According to this website, that makes him the equivalent of 82 human years old. This website says that he's actually closer to 69 human years old. (It also says that I am seven & three-quarters dog years old. It's so tragic when a child is older than a parent.) One more: this website suggests George is closer to 72 human years old.

Besides being a bit obdurate (which he's always been) & whiny (ditto) & a little deaf (though I might be mistaking that for him generally not giving a shit), he generally acts like he's half his age. Last night, for example, when we got home from seeing the Spooky Qs, he danced around the house like an idiot. I'm surprised he didn't hurt himself.

I wrote about George a few Thursdays ago. He is a terribly sweet dog who likes to be around me, which is fine by me: I like being around him!

100% Cotton Show

Cotton! Cotton everywhere! Hey! I did something on this episode of Self Help Radio I either have never done or may have done only once: I played all the songs in (more or less) chronological order. (I say more of less because I looked up the years but didn't really care about the month & day, so, for example, the songs from 1929 may be out of order.) How did it go? You tell me!

All the cotton pickin' songs I played are listed below. The show is divided into two parts & much easier to pick & sort than cotton. Part one is behind that link. Part two is behind this one. The entire show (& many other shows just sitting there hoping you'll visit) is over at the Self Help Radio web page.

(part one)

"Land Of Cotton Blues" Lucille Hegamin _The Ladies In Blues_
"Cotton Field Blues" Charlie 'Dad' Nelson _The Paramount Masters_
"Cotton Field Blues" Henry Thomas _The Easin' In: Essential Recordings Of Texas Blues_

"Make My Cot Where The Cot-Cot-Cotton Grows" Red Nichols' Stompers _That's What I Call Sweet Music: American Dance Orchestras Of The 1920s_
"Song From A Cotton Field" Bessie Brown _Down In The Basement: Joe Bussard's Treasure Trove Of Vintage 78s: 1926-1937_
"Mississippi Boweavil Blues" Charley Patton _The Complete Recordings 1929-34_
"Cotton Mill Blues" Wilmer Watts _1929_
"Price Of Cotton Blues" The Allen Brothers _The Complete Recordings Vol.1 1927-1930_

"Cotton Mill Blues" Lee Brothers Trio _Hard Time In The Country_
"Serves 'Em Fine (Cotton Mill Colic No. 3)" Dave & Howard _Black & White Hillbilly Music: Early Harmonica Recordings 1920-30's_
"11 Cent Cotton, 40 Cent Meat" Bob's Boys (Bob Miller) _Songs For Political Action: Folkmusic, Topical Songs, & The American Left 1926-1953_
"Cotton Mill Blues" Daddy John Love _Oh My Little Darling_

(part two)

"Floatin' Down To Cotton Town" Fats Waller _1936_

"Cotton Patch Blues" Tommy McClennan _Big Joe Williams & The Stars Of Mississippi Blues_
"Cotton Eyed Joe" Adolf Hofner & His San Antonians _Roots 'N' Blues: The Retrospective (1925-1950)_
"Cotton Pickin' Blues" Robert Petway _Broadcasting The Blues: Black Blues In The Segregation Era_
"Pick A Bale Of Cotton" Sonny Terry & Brownie McGhee _Blowin' The Fuses_
"Boll Weevil" Lead Belly _Sings For Children_
"Old Cotton Fields At Home" Odetta & Larry _The Tin Angel_

"Cotton Picking Hands" The Dukes _Lost Dreams: The New Orleans Vocal Groups_
"Cotton Picker" Wortham Watts _The 'D' Singles Collection Vol. 1_
"Cotton Head" Leon Peels _It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Beat!_
"California Cottonfields" Merle Haggard _Down Every Road: 1962 - 1994_
"Mississippi Cotton Picking Delta Town" Charley Pride _Country_
"The Backbone Of America Is A Mule & Cotton" Abner Jay _The Backbone Of America Is A Mule & Cotton_

Whither Cotton?

TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON.

Cotton is not, as one might think, a terrifying metal which can "learn" from those it maims or kills. The American Cotton Industry has made this very clear through an ingenious if not desperate series of advertisements on television & the radio. Also fat people wearing sandwich boards, although that was just as a tax write-off.

Cotton is also not "home to a race of mildly intelligent, though small, horticulturists" to which it is rumored that 30% of the male population is allergic. Widespread fear of horticulturists who are not necessarily clever but still rather competent continues after the Home Garden panic of the 1990s but this canard, which haunts tee shirt manufacturers everywhere, continues to be passed on as knowledge wherever garden tools are sold.

Cotton will never "come between you & your man." The last time cotton caused such a fuss became the American Civil War & it still feels really awful about it. So if you are a person who enjoys a close relationship with a man but have some insecurities, it is vehemently not cotton you should be worrying about. Have you taken a look at devious old fleece lately?

Finally, cotton does not want nor should it ever be a controlled substance. People who delight in growing cotton in secretive places - like hydroponically, or in secret sections of National Parks - need to be aware that it is perfectly legal to grow cotton anywhere. Sure, cotton has the classic "bad boy" image, but that's just a character it played in angsty teen dramas. People associating with cotton for its illicit qualities are totally missing out on naughtier plants.

TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON.

Listen to Self Help Radio's show about cotton, which will be on the air Monday (April 2nd) from 7:30 to 9 am on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington & online at WRFL dot FM. There is a direct link to the audio stream & this is it.

For those of you who move at slower, more cotton-like, pace, the show will be archived sometime later at the Self Help Radio website.

SERIOUSLY, TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON ALREADY.

Preface To Cotton: Cotton-Eyed

What the hell does "cotton-eyed" mean? No one can decide.

The term, which was popularized in the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe," isn't really explained in the song. Joe is "cotton-eyed," but that's just an identifying physical characteristic, as if someone said "big-eared Joe," or "black-haired Joe." Or is it even more descriptive?

One definition is someone who's so drunk you see the whites of their eyes prominently. In this case, it perhaps is synonymous with "wide-eyed," although I don't get that way when I'm drunk.

A related meaning is what apparently happens when you drink wood alcohol, which, sources say, turns your eyes milky white. In addition, others believe that it's what your eyes look like when you have glaucoma or cataracts.

According to the Random House Dictionary of Popular American Slang, the term refers to someone with prominent eye-whites.

But I can't shake the feeling that the term is racist - that it refers specifically to black folks. If you've seen pictures of blackfaced minstrels, you understand that a prominent caricature of African-Americans in those unhappy days was that their eyes seemed very white & very large in contrast to their skin. & it seems pretty obvious - especially from the old lyrics - that Joe in the song was black.

Self Help Radio's show about cotton will probably feature one version of "Cotton-Eyed Joe" - how could it not? But even though there is no consensus about the term's meaning, I am still made a little queasy by the term. The song's popularity waned in the late 20th century - everywhere but in the South, where it's still quite popular.

But also where there are still lots of racists. You know?

I just received this email

(I have edited it to protect the innocent. Or guilty.)

The email reads:

Hi,

I'm interested in contributing an article to selfhelpradio.net - The article will be unique and interesting to read. In return, I ask that I be able to subtly include a link to my site within the article.

If you are not interested in the article, I am also willing to offer you a one time donation for a permanent link to my site in a prominent place on your website.

Hope you are having a wonderful week!

Thanks,
(deleted)

I find this fascinating, not just because this has never happened to me - it really hasn't. & I'm not such a naif that I imagined that this person has actually visited the site - there are no "articles" there, of course. I'm fascinated because the site about which he wants to write a "unique & interesting to read" article is actually just a product-oriented web page. They sell things.

For the sake of argument, let's say what they sell is hubcaps. (It's not entirely that specific, but close.) What sort of "unique & interesting to read" article is going to have a "subtle" link (not underlined?) for hubcaps in it? Would it be the only link in the article? That's not very subtle.

I'm also fascinated because this is really the first time anyone has ever offered me money to put something on the Self Help Radio website. I know that virtually no one goes to the site - & those that do are mostly looking for something else, & don't stick around to listen to my radio shows - so it makes sense no one's looking to spend money in the obscurity there. But what does that say about this dude.

I wish I were mean enough to ask for the article. It would probably be hilarious. But I am honest to a fault, & would never ask for something I had no intention of using in the first place. That's just a little too douchey.

Lonely Indiana Roads

I fell asleep driving through most of Indiana. In the dream I dreamt while driving the other drivers were sleeping & dreaming too. The farms, which cross carefully the nearly-empty highways, didn't have silo-space enough for the dreams of flight emanating from nearly every car.

You'd think the fields would remember all the snow, but no, there was burgeoning everywhere. It's easier to read the posted warnings when the landscape is easy on the eyes. There's no aggravation when a strange stoplight is deployed, or when the semi passing on the right ignores the sudden "Speed Limit 35" sign that's sprouted around the corner.

The polite man asks the wide-eyed woman something about cell phones. A very old woman looks confused when she sees that the ladies' rest room is out of order. We're near Ohio, & that explains: pizza for breakfast.

I asked the dozing state trooper: does everyone sleep through Indiana? He rolled over & said, "Only those like you & me, who drive alone." I looked at the gauge on his dashboard - instead of "gas" it said "marmalade." & I thought I saw lots of dogs just running around, racing along an invisible highway parallel to the one I was on.

& I drove through Indiana during the day - what must it be like at night?

Nothing Gold On The Radio Can Stay

A website called "Bad Money Advice" (really!) says this: "Gold is one the more peculiar investments out there. Although it is an exaggeration to say that it is a substance of no intrinsic value, it has several industrial uses & would undoubtedly have many more if it were not so expensive. Gold lacks some basic characteristics of a typical investment."

Therefore you should invest in Self Help Radio's show about gold. At no cost to you, this nearly ninety show also lacks some basic characteristics of a typical investment. It frankly also lacks some basic characteristics of a typical radio show. But didn't I say "at no cost to you"?

The gold songs are listed below. The show rests at the Self Help Radio website. It's in two parts, like two gold bars: part one is twenty-four carat & part two is twenty-four carrot.

(part one)

"Gold" Ken Nordine _Colors_
"Get The Gold" Three Peppers _1937-1940_
"Gold" Peter Blegvad _King Strut & Other Stories_

"The Ecstasy Of Gold" Ennio Morricone _The Ennio Morricone Anthology: A Fistful Of Film Music_
"It's The Gold (Ella Johnson, vocal)" Buddy Johnson _1939-1942_
"Bags Of Gold" Jay Jay Pistolet _Happy Birthday Me_
"Gold & Silver" Toots & The Maytals _Monkey Man_
"Heart Of Gold" Neil Young _Neil Young Archives, Vol. 1: 1963-1972_

"Fool's Gold" Rachel Sweet _Protect The Innocent_
"Fools Gold" Ghost Dance _Word To The Wise 12"_
"Fools Gold" Stone Roses _The Complete Stone Roses_

(part two)

"In The Gold Dust Rush" Cocteau Twins _Head Over Heels_

"Gold" False Friends _Burn The Bridges, Break The Gates_
"Good As Gold" Betty & The Werewolves _Tea Time Favourites_
"Goldrush" Champagne Riot _Moonstruck EP_
"Goldfinger" Man Or Astroman? _Return To Chaos_
"Diamonds & Gold" Tom Waits _Rain Dogs_

"The Gold Rush Is Over" Hank Snow _The Essential Hank Snow_
"Gold Is the Colour Of Thought" The Smoke _The Smoke_
"Spun Gold" The Three O'Clock _Arrive Without Travelling/Ever After_
"Gold" Harvey Korman _Americathon OST_

Whither Gold?

Generous miser! May we partake in your plethora of gold?

There are too many of you, mouth to feed! There is a finite supply of gold!

Oh healthy miner! That dear metal is so lovely to behold!

Like a dragon I shall guard my hoard. You hordes shall ever look but never touch!

Kind sir, kind sir, this air, it's full of gold dust, can we just breathe a little in?

Think you me a Rumple nor a Stiltskin? What is hard fought is hard won!

Dear familiar stranger, deny us not the luster of that soft, soft aurum!

Oh all right. Form a line at the right. No licking!

-----

The preceding parable was found many times in antiquity. It was then conveniently lost many other times.

-----

For scholastic purposes, this ancient dialogue should be read by a monk with a raspy voice. Whenever possible, the part of the inquisitor (known in some academic circles as "the mob") should be read by Dan Castellaneta, the voice of television's "Homer Simpson."

-----

The meaning of this so-called "poem" has been the basis of several unimpressive scholarly careers & even (it is rumored) one tenure, &, as might be expected, there is no consensus on the actual point of the dialogue. Why does the flattering interlocutor & the group he perhaps represents want so desperately to visit the hoarder's gold stash, besides, you know, the obvious? Why doesn't the wealthy grump employ some armed musclemen to beat back the grasping group, like rich people have done throughout history? Is this some sort of allegory or something? Use the back of the piece of paper if necessary. You are not allowed to use your texts.

-----

One famous "commentary" on this literary scrap will air on the morning of Monday, March 26, on a radio station called WRFL in Lexington, Kentucky, which, it must be noted, is roughly one hundred miles from Fort Knox, where the majority of United States gold is kept. You can listen to that show from 7:30 to 9am Eastern time on 88.1 fm in the Lexington area or anywhere if you follow this audio link. The show will be archived, reportedly, online at some site called Self Help Radio although that is not a reputable educational journal site so make sure you are wearing your spam pants.

Preface To Gold: Fools & Their Gold

On returning to the Gold Standard, a free verse poem (as told to TS Eliot)

Oh Gold Standard like Icarus we abandoned you to the Greek skies!
Must we take up arms like Hamlet or even like Hamilton
Whose duel with Burr meant his end - of life but not legend?

Does the rose not bloom in the bloomiest of months?
April needs the rain's lifeblood like our own life needs its blood blood -
Like our nation (all nations) need Gold as its golden Standard.

There is a hat every sovereign nation once wore -
Dare to wear that hat again, the Hat Of Fiscal Decorum!
The plume is the plume of Wise Hammurabi, dreaming of fairness.

Did Joyce, walking the streets of Paris, daydream about you
O Gold Standard now buried perhaps in Père Lachaise next to Collette
Or Jim Morrison who - it is said - once consumed an entire bar of Gold.

To fervently want Gold returned as a Standard too long slandered
We need Miss Manners to rap our knuckles for digging in infertile dirt
Like swords beaten into plowshares unshared with a hungry world.

So we close our eyes like blind Homer but see a better time -
A time when we like great Croesus manhandling great Midas can laugh -
Saved! Once again, the Gold Standard is in love with us!

It's National Puppy Day!

National Puppy Day dot Com

Did you celebrate your puppy today? Mine celebrated in the way they normally do:

I Don't Know Why The I Don't Know Show Is Being Posted On A Thursday

I just don't know. Really, I don't know. I don't... I don't know. You know?

I do know this show, which apparently doesn't know anything, is available on the Self Help Radio website if you want to listen. I don't know what you want. Part one of the show is here, & part two is here. I don't know how else I can explain it to you. What's in each part is below, although I don't know why I'm telling you that.

I don't know if you are listening - but thanks anyway!

(part one)

"I Don't Know" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"I Don't Know" Willie Mabon _Chess Rhythm & Roll, 1947-1955_
"I Don't Even Know" Envelopes _Demon_
"I Don't Know If You Don't Know" Adicts _Rise & Shine_

"I Know But I Don't Know" Blondie _The Platinum Collection_
"I Don't Know" Bill Withers _Still Bill_
"Don't Know Anymore" Alex Chilton _A Man Called Destruction_
"I Don't Know" Mekons _I Heart Mekons_
"I Don't Know For Sure" Hüsker Dü _Candy Apple Grey_

"I Don't Know Why" Eden Kane _Dreamboats & Petticoats, Vol. 4_
"I Don't Know Why" Stevie Wonder _At The Close Of A Century_
"I Don't Know Why (I Just Do)" Jack Mudurian _Downloading The Repetoire_
"I Don't Know Why" The Iguanas _A Journey To Tyme, Vol. 3_

(part two)

"I Don't Know Why I Love You" House Of Love _House Of Love_

"I Don't Know" Smack Dab _Queen Crab_
"I Don't Know What To Say" The Magnetic Fields _Realism_
"I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself" Elvis Costello _My Aim Is True_
"I Don't Know What To Do With My Life" The Buzzcocks _Operators Manual_
"What I Don't Know" Betty Lavette _Bluesoul Belles_
"I Don't Know What It Is, But I Like It" Varetta Dillard _The Lovin' Bird: Complete Recordings 1958 - 1961, Vol. 2_

"I Don't Know" Bob Hope _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 2_
"I Don't Know" Embellish _Moshi Moshi (Pop International Style)_
"I Really Don't Know" The Cat's Miaow _A Kiss & A Cuddle_
"Don't Know How You Do It" Imperial Teen _Feel The Sound_
"Don't Know How To Say Goodbye" Pigeon Detectives _Wait For Me_
"If You're Not Here (I Don't Know Where You Are)" Hunx & His Punx _Too Young To Be In Love_
"I Don't Know Which Way To Turn" Felt _Ignite The Seven Cannons_

A Show A Week Late? That's Not Groovy!

Boy is this being posted late. Hey man, I don't dig the vibe. I am inhabiting my own space right now & totally don't need your negativity holding me hostile. A radio show is like a good time, man. You can't make it happen on a schedule, you know? Far out.

That's as hippie as I can get. I hope there's some groovy in you because there's a hell of a lot in this show, which is available on the Self Help Radio website. You can also listen to the first part of the show here & then the second part of the show here. Or you can listen to them the other way around. Or just one or the other. There is a list of the songs in each part below.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Groovy" Groovers _Las Vegas Grind, Vol. 1_
"Groovy Time" Blochin 81 _Review III (Marsh-Marigold)_
"Everything's Groovy" Gaye Bykers On Acid _Everything Groovy_

"Groovy" Johnny Moore's Three Blazers _Charles Brown 1944-1945_
"A Groovy Kind Of Love" Diane & Annita _You Heard It Here First, Vol. 1_
"The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)" The Free Design _Kites Are Fun_
"Groovy Tuesday" Swan Dive _Swan Dive_
"Every Groovy Day" Roman Rebellion _Every Groovy Day_
"You're A Stone Groovy Thing" Ruth Brown _Sister Funk_

"Groovy Situation" Gene Chandler _Nothing Can Stop Me: Gene Chandler's Greatest Hits_
"Groovy Situation" Keith Rowe _Lee Scratch Perry: Arkology_
"Groovy Tune" Silly Pillows _New Affection_

(part two)

"Your Groovy Self" Nancy Sinatra _Speedway_
"Groovy People" Lou Rawls _All Things In Time_

"That's Groovy" The Classic Example _The Classic Example_
"Groovy Little Pizza" Charles Edward Cheese Band _Let's Eat Pizza_
"The Grooviest Girl In The World" The Fun & Games _Elephant Candy_
"Groovy Girls Make Love At The Beach" Gary Wilson _You Think You Really Know Me_
"Groovy Little Woman" Wilson Pickett _Funky Midnight Mover: The Atlantic Studio Recordings (1962-1978)_
"The Weddin' March (I Feel Groovy)" Friend & Lover _Reach Out Of The Darkness_

"Groovy Times" The Clash _Clash On Broadway_
"(If You Think You're) Groovy" The Small Faces _The Immediate Anthology_
"Groovy Heart Attack" The Hit Parade _More Pop Songs_
"Wouldn't That Be Groovy" Doris _Did You Give The World Some Love Today Baby_
"Workin' On A Groovy Thing" The Fifth Dimension _The Very Best Of The 5th Dimension_

Whither I Don't Know?

I know exactly why I am doing a show about not knowing. Although the more I think about it, "not knowing" is not quite the same as saying "I don't know." "Not knowing" is the condition you're in when you realize you don't know.

I was bluffing there. I don't know why I am doing a show about I don't know. I don't even know if I'm going to be doing the show tomorrow. I suspect I will. But I can't really be sure.

You don't know, either, but I don't care about that. I care only that I don't know. But to satisfy your skepticism you can tune in, tomorrow, at 7:30 am, on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. Or you can listen online live from anywhere at the WRFL website - the audio link is right here.

I will put the show on the Self Help Radio website when I can - I was out of town this week so I still haven't put last week's show there - don't hassle me!

I will only say that I don't know when I'll put them there - oh but I will put those shows up sometime after tomorrow morning.

Will you listen? Honestly, I don't know.

Preface To I Don't Know: I Don't Know Why I'm So Tired

Could it be because over the past six days I've travelled nearly two thousand miles?

In addition to listening to a lot of music on the drive, I took the advice of the Onion AV Club & listened to a few of what they considered the best podcasts of 2011. It turns out they had some good recommendations.

The wife enjoyed most of all Marc Maron's WTF Podcast, despite not really knowing a lot of the folks he was talking to. I think it's really fun to listen to, because he seems to truly enjoy talking to the people he interviews. How come no one's thought about doing this on a television show?

My personal favorite - despite the wife's assertion that these guys are funnier than the Firesign Theater, which borders on blasphemy - was the Superego podcast. I laughed so much my face hurt.

I also really enjoyed the Bugle, which is very British & very much in the same spirit as shows like Black Adder.

One great thing about all these podcasts is how much fun everyone is having. People should crack each other up more. People who can make people laugh are probably the greatest people on the planet.

Should I mention the podcasts that I should have enjoyed but didn't? Or is it obvious, since I just mentioned those three but the Onion recommended more? Will I have time to continue following all of these?

Answers: No, Maybe, God I Hope So.

Several case studies involving drivers in the deepish South

As older I get & grumpier I tend, driving seems more wearisome & drivers more douchebaggerish. Can you please point me to important scientific studies which prove that dickhead drivers who super-speed get more speeding tickets per capita than we who speed only when it's safe?

I still believe the worstest drivers in the states in which I've habited are from Kentucky, & I of course have suffered most of my life with the randomness & recklessness that characterize the average Texas driver. (One big difference: Texas drivers use their turn signals.). But there is a case to be made for the ineptitude that is the Arkansas bobbler (for in Arkansas, they do not drive but bobble), & even more of a case for the driver who, several states away from their home, fare worse on the high speed highway than the average driving school student with a head cold.

May I also mention the esteemed trucker, whose lumbering vehicle & long-haul perspective ought to give him or (less likely) her a greater patience & wisdom when it comes to navigating this nation's congested two lane highways? Why such assholery? You are taking better drugs than I can while driving; you can kill virtually anything on the road; & you are basically driving in your own home - why just suddenly pull in front of some dude coming quickly from behind you (say, twenty miles an hour faster than you) - someone who will pass you with such great speed that you won't even notice the time you might lose - why, I must ask, why?

You should be better than that, oh mighty trucker. You should be above petty & peevish.

& I still have half of Tennessee & most of the middle of Kentucky to go!

I have so many things I could say about Dallas

It's bigger than I always remember. It has a lot more vegetarian/vegan restaurants than I remember. I ate way too many much food & was even upset that I couldn't eat too much more. Also saw old friends & ate too too much food with them.

I miss big cities & one day suppose will live in one again but hopefully probably not Dallas though. Some cities have too much life overlap & there are ghosts of me that I cannot explain myself to. Dallas is like that in one confusing way after another.

One thing discovered in Dallas: Mr. T on the television advertising things all the time. My childhood returns to mock me!

Will be back in Lexingtown in two days. Am listening to songs for Self Help Radio while I drive. If I did it this way every week, the show, who costs almost nothing to produce, could get expensive.

What's not so groovy...

I have been listening to lots of podcasts today because I was on the road. Which means, I wasn't sitting at home all day editing this morning's shows for public consumption.

Wait a minute! The shows are edited? Well, yeah, but not the way you think. I mean, if I could edit them to make them better, I certainly would. I record them as one giant audio file, & have to break them up. I also sometimes edit out embarrassing dead air. If I occasionally go on the mic & scream out my frustration for the unfairness of the universe in the middle of songs - well, I edit that out, too.

Actually, if I really did that, I'd probably leave them in.

Anyway, I do a little cosmetic work on the shows, splitting them in half, etc, before I put them on my server. Only, I can't do that now, since the recording of the show is in Lexington & I'm in a La Quinta in Memphis. The long & short of it is, I won't be putting the shows on the site until I get home this weekend. My apologies.

But I am slowly formulating an idea for a podcast. Really! A talky one. Perhaps even with humor!

Whither The Groovy Show?

What am I, some kind of hippie?

I once had a boss who used the word "groovy" a lot. He had long hair. He was always giving the peace sign. But he wasn't really a hippie. He called his wife "dude." She called him "dude." That was weird.

I started using the word "groovy" in conversation in the early 90s. I guess there was a sixties revival then, as people were wearing tie-dye & grunge kind of recapitulated some of the manly rock of the 60s. Like the Doors. That movie came out. I remember girls at the time swooning over Jim Morrison. Who was, of course, mainly decomposed bits in a cemetery in Paris.

I still use the word. I am somewhat aware of the dated nature, & perhaps, like my boss, wish people to make judgments about me that are quite untrue. I have longish hair, too. But I am not a hippie.

Hey! But if you're a hippie, or want to hear music that's groovy, that's all Self Help Radio is about this week. It's happening tomorrow morning at 7:30 am (until 9 am) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen online live from anywhere, & the audio link is right here.

Normally, I tell you that I'll archive the show later in the day at Self Help Radio website, but that won't be the case tomorrow, as I am leaving directly after the show to be away for spring break. I'll put it up as soon as I get back to town - which may be in a week or so.

It'd be groovy if you listened live.

Preface To The Groovy Show: Groovy Little Time Change

Everyone keeps saying, "Remember to set your clocks head tonight! It's spring forward time again!" But every clock I use regularly is either on some computing device or on my DVR. They're the first times I see every morning. They'll change automatically thanks to the magic of Big Computer, which is sort of like Orwell's Big Brother, but sneakier.

The clocks on the stove & microwave I'll probably not change until I use them. Same with the one in the car. & hey, I am going to be driving to Dallas next week, so do I even have to change the clocks until I get home? Let's see, it's an hour earlier in Dallas... Oh, yeah, I guess I have to.

In the radio world, this time of year can be confusing. Here in Lexington, the fellow who normally does the midnight to three on Saturday sent an email out to remind the deejays after him to come in an hour early. In Austin, where both KVRX & KOOP share the same frequency, there's an issue at the tower, where an automated systems switches between the two stations at 9am. It can be quite a headache.

Not for me! It just means that Self Help Radio is coming an hour sooner this week than it did last week. & that's groovy.

Happy Birthday John Cale!

A week after Lou Reed turned 70, so does John Davies Cale. Here he is at some unspecified time probably in recent history performing one of his great songs, "Fear Is A Man's Best Friend," live - with Nick Cave & Chrissie Hynde looking on.

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

We have now come to the last of my pets. This fuzzy cat is named Bronte. She came to us from one of my wife's colleagues, who found her, she said, at a farmhouse in Ohio. The poor little cat weighed less than four pounds, was full of tangles & mats, & had a worrying cough, which her rescuer told us was "just hairballs."

After we had her for a couple of weeks, she was still lethargic & not terribly affectionate, & I noticed that, though she kaff-kaffed all the time, I never once saw a hairball (despite her mess of hair). So we took her to a vet & discovered she had asthma. Once she had regular treatment, she transformed into a wholly different cat - playful, sweet to her brother Bolan, noisy, demanding. As is typical with asthma, the sickness affects her depending on the weather, & it took several attempts - & suffering through some utterly inept Appalachian vets - to get her the proper meds, & to maintain her health.

The wife says it's been six months since an asthma attack. We should have a sign in the house. But spring is around the corner. Now, the currently ten-pound Bronte is asking me to feed her. Asking me? Demanding me!

A Rainbow Connection

Somewhere, under the rainbow, near the pot of gold, I found a radio show about rainbows. I frankly would have preferred the pot of gold. But then I wouldn't have shared all that gold with you. The music, though - it's all for you! & no, you're not having a flashback, you hippie.

The show is all colors of the rainbow, from Roy to Biv. It's available on the Self Help Radio website. Half of the rainbow is available over here, while the other half is over here. The shows are listed below.

Oh, & as an aside: I usually also put up mp3s for my other show, Sugar Substitute, but this morning, due to user error (ie, me), I didn't get a recording of this morning's show. In case you were wondering.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"What Makes A Rainbow?" Marais & Miranda _More Nature Songs_
"Rainbows Are Back In Style" Dean Martin _Gentle On My Mind_
"The Rainbow Connection" Majestic _Just For A Day_

"Over The Rainbow" Aretha Franklin _Aretha Complete On Columbia_
"She's A Rainbow" Rolling Stones _Their Satanic Majesties Request_
"The Rainbow" The Apples In Stereo _The Discovery Of A World Inside The Moone_
"The Man Who Paints The Rainbows" Television Personalities _Privilege_
"Rainbow" Gene Chandler _Nothing Can Stop Me: Gene Chandler's Greatest Hits_

"Rainbow Voodoo" Clark _Totems Flare_
"Looking For A Rainbow" Talulah Gosh _Backwash_
"She Talks To Rainbows" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go: The Anthology_

(part two)

"The End Of The Rainbow" Richard & Linda Thompson _I Want To See The Bright Lights Tonight_

"There's A Rainbow 'Round My Shoulder" Bobby Darin _The Swinging Side Of Bobby Darin_
"There's A Rainbow In Your Heart" Chuck Jackson _The Motown Anthology_
"Rainbow Woman" Lee Hazlewood _Where The Action Is! (Los Angeles Nuggets 1965-1968)_
"Rainbow Signs" Sarah Webster Fabio _Boss Soul_
"Rainbow Road" Bill Brandon _Down & Out: The Sad Soul Of The Black South_

"Paint A Rainbow" My Bloody Valentine _Sunny Sundae Smile_
"Paint Yourself A Rainbow" Suede Crocodiles _Stop The Rain_
"Rainbow Rider" The Pooh Sticks _Million Seller_
"Rainbow Of Strange Appetites" Loop Guru _Elderberry Shiftglass_
"Find Yourself A Rainbow" Sally Field _Star of The Flying Nun_

Whither Rainbows?

What kind of hippie am I anyway?

There sure are a lot of songs about rainbows - something a certain frog wondered about some thirty years ago - & I've spent most of the week slogging through them. Human beings are quite infatuated with them, that's for sure.

My favorite rainbow - at least the one that comes to mind when I think the word "rainbow" - was an astonishing rainbow appearing in dark blue skies somewhere in New Mexico in the mid-90s after I'd driven through a small patch of rain on the portions of I-20 that are in Indian lands. I saw it by chance - if I weren't always looking in the rear-view mirror, I wouldn't have noticed it. I have a photograph of it somewhere - I had my girlfriend hold the steering wheel while I awkwardly turned in my seat to get the shot. The photograph, taken on a cheap hand-me-down camera, doesn't capture how breathtaking it was.

It is pretty wonderful to see a bow of colors in the sky. & everyone knows that wonder - which is why it appears in so many songs.

You'll get to hear a lot of them on Self Help Radio tomorrow morning (that's Monday) from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington. If you want to listen on the computer, here's a link to the audio stream. I'll archive it later in the day at the Self Help Radio website. So unlike a rainbow, the show will be around for a while.