I Don't Understand This At All

You've seen these ads:

They're for a website called "lowermybills.com" & there's a discussion about whether they're legit or a scam here.  (I didn't read through it because I don't think I'd go to a ubiquitous web advertising company to help me financially.)  (Which is my way of saying, if it isn't a scam, why would a company go to such lengths to make it seem like a scam?)

No, what I don't get is the image with the ad.  Have you seen these?  What the hell does that unflattering picture of an older gentleman with rosacea have to do with auto insurance?

I searched the Google for their ads - people have noticed them before, of course - but no one seems to know just why the company picks these pictures, except perhaps to make people say, "What the hell?"  My favorite is what some blog called "the homeless Jesus guy":

Someone involved with the company has got to be picking these images to put into web ads.  Is it perhaps the interns?  Some sociopath the company can't fire because he/she is related to the CEO of Experian (Business Week tells me that's who runs lowermybills.com)?  Is there an ironic hipster working in the ad department?

If only Mad Men could last until we find out a very old, senile Don Draper is responsible for this!

Boston

It's been over twenty-four hours & I'm still messed up about what happened with Boston.  I have nothing but the most fervent hope that those who are injured get well & that whatever psychopath or -paths responsible get their just desserts post haste.

But I wish people would stop saying "we're praying for the victims" or "keeping the people there in our prayers."  Why?  Hannibal Buress put it far better than I could:



So I can hope there's resolution & that everyone will be all right, & I can trust in humans to take care of each other in this crisis, & I can try to believe our police forces & government are competent enough to bring whoever did this to justice.  But prayer?  I simply don't understand how that's in any way a consolation.

Quickshow

Quick!  A show about quick!

Quick!  It's now at the Self Help Radio website!  The shows I played are also listed below.  If you need to listen quick, click here for part one & here for part two!

The show is a two-hour long quickie!

Thanks for listening quickly!

(part one)

"Quick!" The Magnetic Fields _Love At The Bottom Of The Sea_
"Quickly & Quietly" Boat _Songs That You Might Not Like_
"Quick, Painless & Easy" Ivy _Apartment Life_

"Quicksilver" Elton Britt & Rosalie Allen _Country USA 1950_
"Get Rich Quick" Little Richard _Ham Hocks & Cornbread_
"Quick Change Artist" Soul Twins _The Golden Torch Story_
"Quickie" George Clinton _Greatest Hits_
"Quick Before They Catch Us" Klaus & Gibson Paddy _The Avengers & Other Top Sixties TV Themes_

"Quicksand" Don Schroeder _Teen Town U.S.A. Vol. 10_
"Quicksand" Martha & The Vandellas _The Complete Motown Singles: 1963_
"Quicksand" Hellfire Sermons _Hymns, Ancient & Modern (1988 - 1993)_
"Quicksand (demo)" David Bowie _Hunky Dory_

"A Quick Note About The Olympics" Stephen Colbert _I Am America (& So Can You!)_
"You Sold Me Quickly" Robert Pollard _Lord Of The Birdcage_
"Stepping Off Too Quick" Wire _Behind The Curtain_
"The Dead Only Quickly (feat. Neil Hannon)" The 6ths _Hyacinths & Thistles_
"New Way (Quick Wash & Brush Up With Liberation Theology)" Big Flame _Rigour (1983-1986)_

(part two)

"A Quick One, While He's Away" The Who _BBC Sessions_
"Quick & To The Pointless" Queens Of The Stone Age _Rated R_

"Kiss Me Quick" Georgia Yellow Hammers _Serenade In The Mountains: Early Old-Time Music On Record_
"Kiss Me Quick" Eilert Pilarm _Greatest Hits_
"Kiss Me Quick" Sparks _Pulling Rabbits Out Of A Hat_
"Love Comes Quickly" Memphis _I Dreamed We Fell Apart_

"Quick Joey Small" The Cramps _How To Make A Monster_
"Quick Step" The Adverts _The Wonders Don't Care_
"Quick, Before It Melts" Cinerama _Torino_
"Quick As Rainbows" Kitchens Of Distinction _Capsule (The Best Of Kitchens Of Distinction 1988 - 1994)_

"Quick As White" Kasai Allstars _Congotronics 3: Kasai Allstars_
"PRS Yearbook - Quick The Drawbridge" Half Man Half Biscuit _Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road_

Whither Quick?

A quick show today -
Though it will last two hours -
Let's hope time will fly!

Hey! Wait a second!
Why am I writing haiku
Instead of plain prose?

I wonder if I
Contracted that foul disease
Called pretentiousness?

'Cause what I'm writing
Shares nothing in common with
Haiku poetry:

Pithy descriptions
Wisdom & truth from nature
Clear, simple beauty

Just five syllables
& then seven syllables
& lastly five more.

There's no haiku on
Today's Self Help Radio
Just songs about "quick."

Please listen today!
Four to six in Lexington!
Also: anywhere!

Rats!  I cannot fit
RFL's web address in
The haiku framework.

So it's here: wrfl.fm

Also I should mention it's 88.1 fm on the Lexington radio dial.

Four to six in the afternoon Eastern time.

& there are people who love haiku who now want to beat me up.

Preface To Quick: Slow Slow Quick Quick Slow

Most of the time I have no idea what or why or where I came up with what happens on Self Help Radio.  The process seems to begin with something like an insight - hey! I should do a Self Help Radio show about rabies! - & if that insight is remembered - most of them aren't - then the next step is to create a folder in a folder on my desktop on my computer with the name of the theme.

The folder in which I keep the folders in which the songs I might play for any giving them is called "extras."  It makes no sense why it's called that - why not call it "self help radio theme ideas"? - but now I know that's where I put ideas & that's where I'll find them.

In each idea folder is a BBEdit file where I write down song ideas.  Sometimes, when I'm away from my computer, I'll email ideas to myself, often without context, so I might get an email with the subject line "asshead" (I'm not very nice to myself in my emails) & the body will just say, "Stupid Rabies Song by the Cranberries."

If I am not feeling well, emails like that will totally screw me up.

Sometimes people send ideas to my email address or even to my Twitter account & I decide whether I can pull such a show off.  Like one person might suggest a show about rabies.  How many songs are there about rabies?  Besides that stupid one by the Cranberries?  Not a lot, I'll tell you.

It can be disappointing, asking me to do a theme.  I probably shouldn't solicit.

Anyway, that being said, I know exactly where I got the idea for the theme to this week's show.  It's from this song:



You might think to yourself, "Why am I reading this blog?"  If you're not thinking that, you might be thinking, "That song is called Floorshow.  What does it have to do with anything quick?"

Let me tell you: in the middle of the song (& again at the end), the lyrics go something like:

See them shimmy, see them go
See their painted faces glow
Slow slow quick quick slow
See those pagans go go go go go!

I like the way Andrew Eldritch (real name Andrew Taylor, of course) says "slow slow quick quick slow."  Thinking a slow show might be too easy, I opted for a quick show.

It wasn't all that hard, though.

Stumbler, Into Quickstone

Quicksilver is another name for the element mercury, which is silver & I assume is also quick.  It's also the name of a Marvel Comics super-hero who has super-speed powers.  There are a lot of speedster super heroes.  Don't get me started.

Quicklime is another name for lime.  For those of us who like to add an extra syllable to a word to draw out interesting conversations about lime.

Quick bread is two words but it should be one.  Let's make it one.

Quickbread is a bread made with a leavening agent so that it bakes quickly.

Quick-freeze (look, it needs the dash) is a process by which food is very rapidly frozen, to preserve freshness, or also perhaps to kill the demons that live inside all processed food.  Look it up.

Quick-witted is a word no one's ever used to describe me.

Quickgrass, the dictionary tells me, is "the couch grass, Agropyron repens."  Couch grass?  The couch is one of the places I am the least quick!

Quicktime is a rate of marching - seriously? - yeah! - 120 thirty-inch paces a minute!  (It's also something I use to watch movie files on my computer, but that doesn't march or anything.)

There are others, too.  Under "quick" in the dictionary.  But there's no "quickstone."  I just made that up.  I couldn't help myself!  I wish you'd start using it too, especially online, like on Tweeter or something.  Something like, "Only buy a house with a good quickstone base!"  Or, "Lava formations in this area resulted in massive areas covered by quickstone."

Just so a snooty geologist can sniff at you & say, "There's no such thing as quickstone."

You can laugh in his face!

Spring!

Spring has finally arrived in Lexington.  I know this because the insects have returned.  Did you know?  In places where there's winter, the insects mostly go away for the cold season.  I understand that, if you live in a place where there's heat, like an apartment building, insects might still be active, staying like you where it's warm & crawling all over you at night.  But my wife is very cheap so our house is pretty chilly during the frozen months, & insects find no safe haven here.

You might ask, as the folks at the Smithsonian have, where do insects go in the winter?  If you did ask, like I did, there's a web page that tells you.  It will teach you a word that I didn't know existed.  That word is "overwinter."  Not as in, "I am so over winter."  Which I was.  Snow in March?  What the hell?  No, "overwinter" means "to pass, spend, or survive the winter."  The site has subheadings like "Overwintering As Eggs" & "Overwintering As Pupae" but an online dictionary uses the word for humans, as in "to overwinter on the Riveria."

I talked to someone in Minneapolis today & she said they're expecting snow there this week.  Snow!  In April!  She said they don't expect spring until May.  In Austin, spring gave the city two or three gloriously mild weeks usually in March, although during my time there I adamantly refused to turn on the air conditioner till May, with many sweaty April nights.  The snow does not appear to be coming close to Kentucky, but it'll still drop temperatures at the end of the week to the 50s.  (It was in the 80s today.  Glorious!)

Yes, spring.  People had their shirts off & were wearing shorts today where only a couple or three weeks ago there was snow on the ground.  It has certainly changed my attitude.  For example, I am no longer daily searching online for information about mental illnesses.

Ducks

I did a radio show about ducks.  During the course of the show I played a lot of children's records & then talked about duck rape.  I have no idea what's wrong with me.

You can listen to the show now at the Self Help Radio page on the web.  The songs I played on the show are listed below.  It also turns out you can listen to the show directly from this "note."  What?  It's true!  You can listen to part one here & you can listen to part two here.  That's just ducky.

Thanks for quack quack quack!

(part one)

"Duck Soup (Opening Credits) (music by John Leipold)" The Marx Brothers _The Marx Brothers Sing & Play_
"The Duck" The Hi-Los _From Latin... To Jazz Dance: Rare Tunes Chapter One_
"The Duck" Jackie Lee _The Duck_
"The Duck" Willie Hutch _The Willie Hutch Story_

"The Ugly Duckling" Danny Kaye _Hello Children... Everywhere!_
"Little White Duck" The ABC Children's Chorus _Songs For Children By Children_
"The Duck & The Rooster" Tom T. Hall _Country Songs For Children_
"Daffy Duck's Feathered Friend" Mel Blanc _Daffy Duck's Feathered Friend_

"Disco Duck, Pt. 1" Rick Dees & His Cast Of Idiots _The Original Disco Duck_
"Be Like A Duck" Keith Boynton _Philadelphia Chickens (Sandra Boynton's Imaginary Musical Revue)_
"Rubber Duckie" Sesame Street _Sesame Street Silver: The Tenth Anniversary Album_
"Holding Hands, Feeding Ducks" The Brunettes _Holding Hands, Feeding Ducks_
"The Little Duck" Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine _Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine_

"Duck People Duck Man" Megapuss _Surfing_
"Duckrog" Von Sudenfed _Tromatic Reflexxions_

(part two)

"Crispy Duck" Yo La Tengo _Ride The Tiger_
"Flying Duck Theory" The Vibrators _V2_
"Fuzzy Duck" Go-Kart Mozart _Tearing Up The Album Chart_

"The Duck Song" Bryant Oden _The Duck Song (The Duck & The Lemonade Stand)_
"Hey Little Ducky" Sonny James _Young Love: The Complete Recordings 1952 - 1962_
"Lord Love A Duck" Gerald Smith _The Georgia Quackerjack_
"$60 Duck" Lewie Wickham _$60 Duck_
"The Duck Egg Walk" Milford Perkins _Do You Know The Difference Between Big Wood & Brush? The American Song-Poem Anthology_

"Duck's Yas Yas Yas" The Three Peppers _1937 - 1940_
"Ducks Are Only Interested in An Area Man's Bread" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"Duck Pond" The Telephone Company _The King's Surprise?_
"Ducks" King Of Cats _Indietracks 2009: An Indiepop Compilation_
"Peanut Duck" Marsha Gee _One Kiss Can Lead To Another: Girl Group Sounds Lost & Found_

"Duck, You Sucker" Ennio Morricone _The Ennio Morricone Anthology: A Fistful Of Film Music_
"Bert The Turtle (The Duck & Cover Song)" Dick "Two Ton" Baker _Atomic Platters_
"Duck For The Oyster" Malcolm McLaren _Duck Rock_

Why A Duck?

Shouldn't it be "whither ducks"?  Not if you've seen the Cocoanuts, it shouldn't!

Hey!  Self Help Radio's show about ducks is on the air in ten minutes!  Quack quack!  88.1 fm in Lexington!  WRFL dot FM on the web!  Quack quack quack!  4 to 6 pm!  Quack!

You Know You Wanna See

The most beautiful ducks in the world.

Click on it.  Here's a taste, duck lover:

Ducks In The News!

Completely coincidentally with my doing a show about ducks, controversy happens!

Media attacks duck genitalia research!

Yeah, some enterprising right-wing blogger was looking for examples of government waste, & this is all he could come up with?  They don't appear to be trying very hard!  Maybe some scientist getting four hundred grand (which isn't a lot of research money at all) to study ducks seems outrageous to some.  I live with a scientist.  I hear a lot weirder stuff.

& hey!  Am I the only one who now has the image of both Donald Duck & Daffy Duck as a horrible rapists?

Jazz Records With Punny Titles

That's something I like.  I'm listening to songs about ducks (not that that's weird or anything) (it's for this week's show!) & there's a song called "The Duck" on this record:

Not only is that an awesome album cover - I'd kind of like to hang out with a bunch of colorful tropical birds & maybe even a guitar - but it's a fun pun.  Donald Byrd also took advantage of his last name for punny purposes, like so:

You would find this even among the most revered of jazz musicians.  You have probably heard of the albums Miles Ahead & Blue Train (Coltrane loved to pun the last syllable of his last name in song titles, too).  I don't keep up with newer jazz releases much, but I bet they still do this.

& I like it!

Milk

Talking about milking a theme for all it's worth!  Or maybe not - well.  No use crying over spilt milk.  Hey!  Are those the only clichés about milk out there?  Maybe I should make a new one, like: this show met the milk before it curdled!  Or maybe: it's better to shower in milk than gargle in wine!  Here's another: don't drink too much milk you will be more likely to fracture your bones!

Whatever the case, here's a show that will momentarily assuage your stomach ulcer but will cause more problems in the end: Self Help Radio's show about milk.  You can listen to it on the Self Help Radio website or if you don't want to have to go there & perhaps scroll down a bit, you can access the show files (it's in two parts) here (part one) & here (part two).  The songs played in each part are below.

I think the last time I ate a bowl of cereal with real milk in it, I got a little sick.  So be careful with this show - you may be lactose intolerant!

(part one)

"How Does A Cow Make Milk?" Marais & Miranda _More Nature Songs_
"Show Me How (You Milk The Cow)" Louis Jordan _Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five, Volume 5: 1949-1950_
"Milk Rock" Takako Minekawa _Cloudy Cloud Calculator_

"Milk Cow Blues" Johnnie Lee Wills _The History Of Country & Western Music Vol. 8 (1941)_
"What's The Matter With My Milk Cow?" Casey Bill Weldon _Vol. 1, 1935-1936_
"Malted Milk" Robert Johnson _The Complete Recordings_
"Milk & Water" Amos Milburn _The Best Of Amos Milburn: Down The Road Apiece_
"Sour Milk Cow Blues" Elvis Costello _Goodbye Cruel World_

"My Very Good Friend The Milkman" Fats Waller _1935, Vol. 2_
"The Milkman" The Nits _Les Nuits_
"The Sad Milkman" Sally Timms _Cowboy Sally's Twilight Laments For Lost Buckaroos_
"The Milkman Of Human Kindness" Billy Bragg _Life's A Riot With Spy Vs. Spy_
"Milk Man" Deerhoof _Milk Man_

"Brötchen & Milch (No Milk Today)" Four Kings _Pop In Germany, Vol. 1_

(part two)

"Milch Von Der Cocosnuss" Caterina Valente _Mit 1000 Träumen Durch Die Zeit_
"Chocolate Milk" The Two Man Gentlemen Band _¡Dos Amigos, Una Fiesta!_
"Pizza & Chocolate Milk" The Terrible Twos _If You Ever See An Owl..._
"Buttermilk" Shelley Berman _Inside Shelley Berman_
"Buttermilk Baby" Merrill E Moore _Western Dance, Vol. 1_

"Safe As Milk (Take 12)" Captain Beefheart _Safe As Milk_
"I Drink Milk" Teen Idles _Flex Your Head_
"Milk Maid" Milky Wimpshake _Popshaped_
"Whistling Thru Milk" The Wibbley Brothers _Go Weird_

"Drinking Milk Again" Appendix Out _Beikoku-Ongaku # 13_
"This Land Flows With Milk" Isobel Campbell _Amorino_
"Milk & Honey" The Monochrome Set _The Best Of The Monochrome Set_

"Milkshake Mademoiselle" Jerry Lee Lewis _Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin On: The Very Best Of Jerry Lee Lewis_
"Milkshake" Poseur _Beat Party!_
"Milkshake" Yuck _Yuck_

Whither Milk?

Eeek!  It's about to happen!  Where did the time go!

Self Help Radio is on the air today from 4 to 6pm with a show about milk.  Lactose tolerant, y'all!

88.1 fm in Lexington, wrfl.fm elsewhere.

I hope the show doesn't make you farty!

Preface To Milk: Is Cow Milk Good For Humans?

It seems to me like the only folks who say so these days are the people who make money from the industry.

Debunking the milk myth

Why milk is bad for you

Six reasons you should avoid dairy at all costs

Those are the first three articles that came up on a Google search.

I stopped eating dairy products because of the way the animals are treated - especially with all the antibiotics they give them - it was a natural step after stopping eating animals.  But it's nice to know that one of the consequences is that it's healthy to do so.

I always liked the sentence: "Cow milk is good for you - if you're a calf."

Milk Commercials

I have always been a little baffled by the longevity - which I suppose means success - of the whole "Got Milk?" ad campaign.  At best it's stupid - oh dear here are some beloved celebrities who don't know how to drink properly - at worst it looks like someone just came all over someone's upper lip.  It's a little gross.

The Japanese have a better idea (& that's a sentence I don't normally say):

Tuesday's Question

On Monday, the Howlin' Brothers showed up to WRFL (I happened to be there) & they played an amazing thirty minute set live on air & they were amazing & it was tons of fun.  It reminded me of my time in Austin & meeting musicians who came down to SXSW & played not just their "showcase" but as many times as anyone would have them.  I love that about musicians - real musicians - they just want to play music.  Anytime, anywhere.

But - network morning shows?

I was up early & flipping the channels for some reason & some commercial country act was playing live on one of the network morning shows.  It was around 8am.  What the hell?  What the fuck?  Who wants to hear - well, forget that it was some horrible commercial country act - but who thinks to him or herself, "Wow, I've just woken up & my first cup of coffee is kicking in - hey! I could use some live music in a New York television studio!"

Answer: no one ever.

& let's not forget the musicians.  They may drive up to a college/community radio station at 1pm to play music, but 8am?  Forget it.  They were out till 4am.  Doing what they love.  But what they love does not translate to 8am anywhere.  Right?  Surely?

Commercial radio robots need not apply.  They're programmed to obey their masters whenever.

I had a question but I think I asked & answered.  I'll leave you with an indie rock related anecdote.

I was somehow made the point person for a band coming to RFL one afternoon to play live.  They were supposed to show up at 2pm but I got a call from their manager that they might be running late.  The reason?  He said, "Breakfast ran long."

I said, "It's 2pm.  We call that lunch."

He said, "Musicians."

Tomorrow

I meant to put this up yesterday, but didn't get around to it today.  I wasn't procrastinating; it's just that it seemed like I had some time between today & tomorrow to get it done.  When I finally did, it wasn't even tomorrow - it was still today.  Which seems a shame.  Because a show about tomorrow belongs in a place called tomorrow.

The show theme was a special request & I hope the requester enjoyed the show.  She (& you) can listen to it now at Self Help Radio's irritating presence on the web.  Or!  If you want to listen to it directly!  Part one is here & part two is here!  There's a list of the songs played on the show below.

Don't worry if you can't listen today - the show will still be there tomorrow.

(part one)

"Science Of Tomorrow" Attileo Mineo _Man In Space With Sounds_
"Stepping Into Tomorrow" Donald Byrd _Stepping Into Tomorrow_

"Tomorrow" The Three O'Clock _Sixteen Tambourines/Baroque Hoedown_
"Tomorrow" Happydeadmen _You Thought It Was The End Of The World When The Rain Ruined Your Hair_
"Tomorrow" James _Whiplash_
"Tomorrow" The Concretes _In Colour_

"Tomorrow" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Are A Drag_
"Tomorrow" Morrissey _Your Arsenal_
"Tomorrow's Just Another Day" Madness _Total Madness_
"When Tomorrow Comes" Eurythmics _Revenge_
"Tomorrow Will Be Better Than Today" Bart & Friends _Stories With The Endings Changed_

"All Tomorrows Parties" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Kicking Against The Pricks_

(part two)
"Why Do Today What You Can Put Off Until Tomorrow?" Pelle Carlberg _In A Nutshell_
"Tomorrow Never Comes" Club 8 _The Friend I Once Had_
"Tomorrow Comes Today" Gorillaz _Gorillaz_

"Tomorrow Never Knows" The Chameleons _Strange Times_
"No Tomorrow" The Boyfriends _The Boyfriends_
"The Day Before Tomorrow" BMX Bandits _The 53rd & 3rd Years_

"Will You Love Me Tomorrow" The Shapiros _The Shapiros_
"With Tomorrow" This Mortal Coil _Blood_
"This Time Tomorrow" The Kinks _Lola Versus Powerman & The Money-Go-Round_
"Tomorrow Night" Shoes _Shoes' Best_
"Today Will Be Yesterday Tomorrow" Big Hello _Apple Album_

"Look Out, Here Comes Tomorrow" Bikeride _Ocean Park Paradox_
"Here Today, Gone Tomorrow" Tony Blackburn _Is There Another Way To Love You?_
"Wonder What I'll Do Tomorrow" Dislocation Dance _Music Music Music/Slip That Disc!_

Whither Tomorrow?

I am doing this show became someone (who asked not to be named) (I'm glad I asked if she minded if I mentioned her name) (oops, should I mention her gender?) (too late!) asked me to & told me three songs I should play.  I'm going to play two of them.  That'll teach her!

There were too many damn songs about tomorrow.  I listened to over a hundred of them.  They stretched all the way from yesterday to - well, you know.

It's on today! Friday! March 22! From 4 to 6 pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online at wrfl.fm.  Listen!

Tomorrow - aha! - I may put it up on self help radio dot net.  Or maybe the day after tomorrow...

Preface To Tomorrow: Procrastination

I'll write this blog post tomorrow.

The Road Down The Lake

I have been having a few drinks thoughts I mean about the road down the lake.  First of all bear with me it does seem weird for a road to exist somewhat down a lake and that road not as a rule being underwater but I don't know if this is common and only I just haven't seen it before.  I have asked an architect friend well he's not exactly an architect but he has a righteous collection of model airplanes which he says he built with his own hands and I believe him because he smells of model airplane glue a not unpleasant smell but you do get a headache around him after a time and I'll admit it also a little dizzy.  What was I talking about.  Yes, he says that the road down the lake is somewhat improbably but not impossible because look it's right there and there's a good chance the Romans also once built a road down a lake since despite not being as creative as the Greeks the Romans were innovators in things like roads and aqueducts.  My friend Jane asked me when I mentioned that where exactly the Romans built a road down a lake and I admit I didn't know if they ever really did but that didn't stop me from bluffing a little bit because and saying this doesn't make me a bad person I do like it when I can impress Jane who is everybody says one of the most impressive people you'll ever meet although has this ever happened to you you meet someone and they're really impressive but you can't quite figure out later what it was about them that impressed you.  Jane is a little like that as is her boyfriend Chester who however does have incredible upper body strength and without at least I think this and I have no reason to doubt it without lifting weights or other physical activities.  He by the way thinks that the road down the lake was built by Indian tribes who used to live in this area despite the fact that it's only been around for a few years and in fact before the road was there it was and the lake too a shopping center that was the center of shopping activities in this glum suburb well into the 1970s until a gigantic mall was built a few lakes down and that meant the slow sad decline of the shopping center first as a gigantic bingo parlor which used to be the Piggly-Wiggly and then the inevitable purchase and neglect by a multinational lake consortium which I'm sure you already guessed was as foreign as it was aquatically inclined.  Anyway at some point I guess I'll bike to the road down the lake and see if it goes anywhere because so far it's not on my GPS nor on Google Maps but since I have you here can I ask if there are any roads down your lakes and if so would it be worth my while to bike down because I'd hate to go all that way and not find anything you know?

Happy Willis Birthday Bruce!

Bridges

I just noticed - I now have more "notes" - which are just me reporting that my show is now available for downloading - than "likes."  I always seem to take my show to new heights (or is it depths?) of patheticness.

Oh, & I looked it up - "patheticness" - meaning "the state or quality of being pathetic" - is a word.

The show this past week though was about bridges.  Which has nothing to do with how terrible some things make me feel.  Bridges are neat!  You can listen to the show over at the Self Help Radio website, or you can listen to both parts by clicking on their links: part one | part two.  The songs in each part are below.

Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Bridge" Sun Ra _The Singles_
"The Bridge" Neil Young _Time Fades Away_
"The Old Stone Bridge" Emily _Irony EP_

 "Under The Bridges Of Paris" Eartha Kitt _That Bad Eartha_
"Bridge Of Love" Joe Dowell _Hey! Look What I Found, Vol. 5_
"Bridge Over Troubled Water" Senator Sam J. Ervin Jr _Golden Throats, Vol. 2_
"Tower Bridge" Spike Milligan _The Spike Milligan Collection_
"Bridges & Balloons" The Decemberists _Picaresqueties_

"The Brooklyn Bridge" Frank Sinatra _The Best Of The Columbia Years 1943  - 1952_
"Brooklyn Bridge" Bobby Bare _Detroit City & Other Hits_
"Brooklyn Bridge" Darren Hanlon _Little Chills_
"The Westminster Bridge Song" Vermont Sugar House _Carlton Gardens_

"Bridge" Orange Juice _Coals To Newcastle_

(part two)

"Burning Bridges" The Mike Curb Congregation _Super Hits Of The '70s - Have A Nice Day! Vol. 5_
"Not Quite Burning Bridges" Tullycraft _The Singles_
"Burning Bridges" Louise Burns _Mellow Drama_
"Burning Bridges" Friends _Far & Away EP_

"London Bridges" This Is Ivy League _This Is Ivy League_
"London Bridge" Sage Francis _Li(f)e_
"London Bridge Is Falling Down" Newtrament _Electro Funk Sessions_
"Golden Gate Bridge" Rose Melberg _Portola_

"Under The Bridge" The Motorcycle Boy _You & Me Against The World_
"Another Bridge" Everything But The Girl _Eden_
"Tarrilup Bridge" The Triffids _Born Sandy Devotional_
"Throw Aggi Off The Bridge" Black Tambourine _Complete Recordings_

"The Bridge Of Death" Monty Python _The Album Of The Soundtrack Of The Trailer Of The Film Of Monty Python & The Holy Grail_
"Drawbridge" All Girl Summer Fun Band _Summer Of '98_
"Misty Morning, Albert Bridge" The Pogues _Peace & Love_

Whither Bridges?

For a while I lived close to the Ohio River.  I got to drive over it regularly.  Something like that gives one perspective.  Even though so many of them are falling apart, & might possibly collapse while I'm driving over them, I do wish I drove or walked over large, important bridges regularly.  Instead of that, I have to do a radio show about bridges.  Oh well.

It's time again for Self Help Radio.  Sorry about that.  Happening from 4 to 6 pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington &/or online at wrfl dot fm.  All about bridges.

Do listen!

Preface To Bridges: The Fifteen Most Famous Bridges In The World

Listed here.

& I've only been over two of them.  Sigh.

New Pope

Thanks all who voted for me to be the new pope.  I had a lot of plans, but despite the fact that I am a married man, & also not Catholic, I really thought I had a lock on the "old white guy" thing.  Turns out there are a lot more older dudes involved in the Catholic Church than even I imagined.

Also, you can't become pope in an online poll.  Who knew?  I read this article & thought that online polls really worked!

This is a joke someone's already probably thought of, but the makers of Pope this time have hit upon a winning commercial strategy: people who don't enjoy New Pope can still enjoy Classic Pope, as he's not going anywhere.

The Unexpected, Unwanted Return Of Sugar Substitute (Announced Too Late)

For a long time - 150 episodes! which means 150 weeks! which is almost three years! - I did a general format or freeform radio show called "Sugar Substitute" which I didn't talk about much, since for me the focus has always been Self Help Radio.  When my show was moved to Fridays, I let Sugar Substitute go, off into the ether, thinking I might do it as a podcast or something, but not missing it all that much...

Then, last week, the fellow who does the one-hour show before me, he went "on tour" (what does that mean?) & I told him I could cover that hour (since it's hard to find someone who'll sub just one hour for three weeks, right?).  It only made sense to revive Sugar Substitute, right?

So you can listen to three stray Sugar Substitute episodes - well, you missed the first one, but it's available for listening on Self Help Radio dot net - Fridays at three before Self Help Radio for three weeks.  Then, who knows?  Maybe I'll do a podcast or something...

Silver Birthday WRFL!

Happy silver anniversary WRFL!  Here's a show for you full of silver for your jubilee!  Happy happy happy birthday dear radio station!

Show is now tarnishing at the Self Help Radio website.  You can listen directly to each part like so: part one | part two.  Silver songs are in a list below.

Happy birthday happy birthday WRFL!

(part one)
"Silver" The Pixies _Doolittle_
"Silver" Echo & The Bunnymen _Ocean Rain_
"Silver" Mark Burgess & Yves Altana _Paradyning_

"Silver" The Anyways _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol 1_
"Silver" Ride _Play_
"Gold & Silber" Pyrolator _New Deutsch_
"Gold & Silver" Toots & The Maytals _Monkey Man/From The Roots_
"Silver & Gold" Neil Young _Silver & Gold_

"Look For The Silver Lining" Marion Harris _20 # 1 Hits Of The '20s_
"Silver Lining" Beulah _The Coast Is Never Clear_
"Silver Lining" Guards _In Guards We Trust_
"A Silver Key Can Open An Iron Lock Somewhere" Kleenex/Liliput _Kleenex/Liliput 1978-1983_
"By The Light Of The Silvery Moon" Little Richard _The Essential_

"Silver Morning" Brian Eno _Apollo: Atmospheres & Soundtracks_

(part two)
"Silver Plane" Felt _Poem Of The River_
"Silver Friends" The Lucksmiths _What Bird Is That?_
"Dan Destiny && The Silver Dawn" The Chills _Brave Words_
"Silver Dollars" Allo Darlin _Allo Darlin_

"Silver Rocket" Sonic Youth _Daydream Nation_
"Silver Shorts" The Wedding Present _Hit Parade 1_
"Silver Waterfalls" Siouxsie & The Banshees _Superstition_
"Fine Art In Silver" Phillip Boa & The Voodooclub _Boa Best Singles_

"Maxwell's Silver Hammer" Let's Wrestle _Mojo Presents Abbey Road Now_
"Silver Bird" Ruthann Friedman _Hurried Life: Lost Recordings 1965-1971_
"Silver Dew On The Bluegrass Tonight" Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys _San Antonio Rose_
"Silver Dollar" Bob Scobey Frisco Band _The Good Time Jazz Story_

"Silver Butterfly" Nicky James _Rubble Vol. 10_
"Silver Sportscar" Starlet _Stay On My Side_
"Silver Shoes" Ampersand _Ampersand_

Whither Silver?

I was walking along, minding my own bee's knees, thinking that on Friday, March 8, 2013, I would be doing a nice Self Help Radio show about bridges (probably on my mind since most of them in America are about to collapse) when suddenly someone says something about the radio station I'm on having a birthday that week.  A birthday!  But I do a birthday show every year for the love of my life!  Now I have to do one for a radio station that I love almost as much as I love the love of my life?

It hits me!  25 years is the silver anniversary!  Sure, RFL hasn't been married for 25 years to itself (that's still illegal under Kentucky law) but it has been 25 years of something.  & when you've had twenty-five years of something you have what the Wikipedia calls a Silver Jubilee.  Don't believe me?  Here's what it says on that page I just linked to:

A Silver Jubilee is a celebration held to mark a 25th anniversary. The anniversary celebrations can be of a wedding anniversary, ruling anniversary or anything that has completed a 25 year mark.

I must reiterate that this isn't a wedding anniversary since RFL is technically single (though in several committed relationships) but it is a ruling anniversary, since WRFL rules.  Oh yeah.

Listen today from 4 to 6 pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington, or online at WRFL dot fm.  I'll archive the show this weekend.  Oh, & why not come celebrate with us tonight while you're in town?

Happy Silver Jubilee, WRFL!

Preface To Silver: Happy Birthday WRFL!

At 2pm on March 7, 1988, WRFL went on the air.  It's been playing amazing programming ever since. Happy birthday to this station I have come to love so much!

Do you know about this?  The first of a year of celebrations, at Al's Bar Friday night, with lots of RFL people in bands + RFL deejays.  What fun!  It will be great!

Here's the official poster.  I hope to see you there!

Up Series

I have spent the last few nights watching (& in some cases, re-watching) those documentaries called the  "Up Series."  The most recent one, which I haven't seen, just came out last year & may even still be in theaters like now.  (Probably not in Lexington though frowny face.)

It makes me wish & also not-wish (which means, you know, my life as it is) someone had filmed me every seven years.  I can't really imagine how different I would've looked/seemed/acted every seven years - also, I would've been in six of the films by now!

We should all have done that - yearbooks & crummy memories are not enough.  I wouldn't necessarily have wanted a documentary made - I was such an ugly child & worse as a teenager - but I wish I had a video snapshot of my life every seven years or so.  I might watch it too many times to be healthy.

Is it too late to start now?

Salmon Fishing In Alaska

Does this make you think of either Orange Juice's song "Salmon Fishing In New York" or Richard Brautigan's book Trout Fishing in America?  (I suppose you might also know the band as well.)  Neither of these have anything to do with actual salmon fishing in Alaska, but they were the two things I immediately thought of when I got an email entitled "Salmon Fishing In Alaska."

The email wasn't an ad or solicitation sent directly to me - instead it was sent to my Self Help Radio address.  Which is I suppose an address that spiders or other automation could rip from websites such as mine - but what if they thought they were writing to a self-help radio show?  What could that mean?

Here are some insights from the email:

There’s one reason why over 90% of our anglers return
to our Nushagak King Salmon Camp... They catch fish!

Also:

According to preliminary forecast from Alaska Fish and Game Biologist the 2013 King Salmon run on the Nushagak will be the largest in years which should mean another round of phenomenal fishing.

Want more proof?  Here's a picture!

That fish does not look happy.  That dude looks a little too happy.

I don't fish, & there's nothing about the details of the trip in the email, but do you have to eat the fish you catch there?  Can you imagine taking home a suitcase full of those suckers?  Plus the ice?  Or will they turn them into fish sticks for you at no additional cost?  What are the rules?  I don't know the rules.  Here's more:

It's hard to imagine better fishing than averaging over 30 King Salmon, per boat, per day (3 fishermen).

I do find that hard to imagine!  Where I am going to find 3 fishermen???

Shock

Shocker!  This week's Self Help Radio shocked no-one!

Relive all the shocks by listening to the show now available on the Self Help Radio website!  Or listen to the show directly by clicking these links: part one! & part two!  Songs guaranteed to be shocking are listed below.

Rats!  Self Help Radio has no shock value.

Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Shock" Psychedelic Furs_ Midnight To Midnight_
"The Shocking Truth" Flux Information Sciences _Private/Public_
"Beautiful Shock" Robyn Hitchcock _Shadow Cat_

"The Ghost Chained To The Past, Present, & Future (Shock Treatment)" GTO's: Girls Together Outrageously _Permanent Damage_
"Shock Treatment" Richard O'Brien _The Rocky Horror Show_
"Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go: The Anthology_
"Electric Shock" The Human League _Credo_
"Electro-Shock Blues" Eels _Electro-Shock Blues_

"Future Shock" Curtis Mayfield _In Yo' Face!: The History Of Funk, Vol. 2_
"Future Shock" The Gordons _Future Shock EP_
"Wire Shock" Brian Eno _Nerve Net_
"Atomic Shockwaves" Spanish Dogs _Don't Sweat The Petty Things..._

"Euphemisms - Shell Shock To PTSD" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_

(part two)

"Shellshock" New Order _Singles_
"In Shock" Kristin Hersh _Learn To Sing Like A Star_
"Shock The Monkey" Don Ho _When Pigs Fly: Songs You Never Thought You'd Hear_

"Shock Rock" T.Rex _Tanx_
"Culture Shock (live)" Rezillos _Can't Stand The Rezillos: The (Almost) Complete Rezillos_
"Shock Mount" Dub Narcotic Sound System _Out Of Your Mind_
"Shock Of The New" Trees _Sleep Convention_

"Shock Me (live)" Red House Painters_Retrospective_
"Shocked By A Revelation" Trampoline _spinART Pop Licks 7" Box Set_
"Shocked" The Snitches _Metamorphosis_
"Two Shocks" Brakes _Touchdown_

"Shock-A-Doo" Cadillacs _Crazy Cadillacs_
"Booker T & His Electric Shock" Markley _A Group_
"Shocked" Tangiers _Hot New Spirits_

Whither Shock?

It realize that it's been a while since I have actually "explained" my choice of themes.  I am usually writing this minutes before my show on Friday & it's mainly me saying "Listen to my show please! Or if not listen to it later please!"  I've never have my shizzle together enough to actually write about the whys & wherefores or a certain theme.

Did I ever do that?  Maybe I did.

So, why "shock"?  Is March the first a shocking day?  Have I finally taken everyone's advice & gotten electroshock therapy?  Would I like for my show - which is rather predictable & hasn't shocked anyone ever - except when they say, "I'm shocked it's still on the air!" - to somehow be shocking?  Is that why that theme has emerged?

Who knows?  I don't know why I picked that theme.  Suddenly it was in the queue.  I am probably the only one mildly shocked by the fact that "shock" is this week's theme on Self Help Radio.

Waitaminute...  I think I remember...  What about that time my wife told me that it would feel good if I stuck a wet fork in that electrical outlet?  What?  Oh.  My wife is telling me that never happened, & for sure the memory is hazy, like a dream.  Only, why is she giggling?

Hey!  Don't be shocked!  Self Help Radio's show about "shock" is on this afternoon from 4 to 6 pm on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen online at wrfl dot fm during those times.

& yeah, I'll put it on the Self Help Radio web site later.  Nothing shocking there.

Preface To Shock: Shock Jocks

Apparently this fellow here, named Roy O'Connor, has written a book called Shock Jocks: Hate Speech & Talk Radio, which has some very polarized opinions about its quality on its Amazon page.

I haven't read it, & probably never will, but I'd probably agree with the author about the hate speech part.  Except I don't think Roosh Limboo & Shawn Hammertime (I'd hate for people looking for those guys to find my blog) (you know who I'm talking about anyway) as "shock jocks."  The Wikipedia says a shock jock is "a type of radio broadcaster or disc jockey who entertain listeners or attracts attention using humor &/or melodramatic exaggeration that a notable portion of the listening audience may find offensive."  I don't think right-wing radio guys are interested in shocking anyone except the people their desired audience hates.  They are more interested in delighting their desired audience - & offending their perceived enemies makes the talk radio hosts lots & lots of money.

But here's the weird thing.  Imagine you've written a book.  It's out of print, but surely you're proud of it.  You've even registered your own domain name: http://shockjocks.org.  Except when you go to that site, you find a boring placeholder page comparing bogus fad exercise devices.  Dude!  You wrote a whole motherflipping book!  How do you let your domain names lapse?

I've actually known a lot of people who've let their domain names lapse.  It reminds me of the ephemeral quality of this ubiquitous internet.  It still sort of shocks me when it happens.

Meanwhile, isn't Howard Stern a better example of a shock jock?  & isn't the jock in "shock jock" from "disk jockey"?  Have any of those right-wing guys really handled an actual disc - an LP or a CD - any time recently?

Boom!  I just dissed an out-of-print book.  You can't wait to see what I'll do when its copyright lapses.

President Of Snow

Who - do you know? - elects the President of Snow?  His (or her) domain seems vast when you're there, but there are places (lots of places) that the President of Snow does not go.

I knew a fellow who claim he talked on the phone with the President of Snow.  He was often alone.  He said that the President had no phone but he (or she - I never asked about the gender) used a pay phone near one of the Poles - North or South.

My friend tells me the name of the President of Snow is Joe.  Or maybe it's Jo - short for Johanna or Joan.  How should I know?  Sometimes Presidents have plain old names like Joe.  Or Jo.

I'm guessing there's not a lot of dough in being the President of Snow.  My friend tells me that Joe (or Jo) made much more money when he (or she) was the Emperor of Snow.  "But now," my friend says, "there's campaign money to be owed!"

Whoa!  A campaign for the President of Snow!  What a show that would be!  That's why I enjoy elections - they often upset the status quo.

But I still don't know who elects the President of Snow.  Long ago there was an Emperor of Snow, or so I'm told - but he (or she) had to forego the throne when times changed.  But he (or she) has been President of Snow for several terms in a row!

Hello, hello, President of Snow!  Can one day I vote for you?  Let me know.

Who's Prettier: Superman Or The Hulk?

The internet has captured conversations I had as a child with other children & made them as though between adults - or they are really adults after all - possibly even adults who were once children having the same argument.

Superman Vs Hulk: Who Would Win In A Fight

Answered definitively!  Superman would (spoiler alert) trap the Hulk in the Phantom Zone.

But what if it were just a slugfest?  Not just a "fight"?  Superman & the Hulk trapped on a planet where no one could be hurt but one of them had to "win" before some alien creature who transported them there would transport them back?

I hate that I am such a geek that I can't just say, "Trapped on a planet" without coming up with a scenario wherein the two are trapped on a planet.

Like, my brain says, "The upper atmosphere must be seeded with kryptonite but not so much that Superman is weakened even when he flies or else he could just escape."

I have begun to hit my brain until it stops thinking that.  Bam bam bam bam.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Even though she watched the first several seasons of "Smallville" with me, my wife couldn't tell me Superman's Kryptonian name.  She did, however, remember the name "Clark Kent."  (She couldn't however remember the name of the Klingon messiah, Kahless.)  For this, we may need marriage counseling.

Buzz

From bees buzzing to buzzers buzzing, Self Help Radio has all the buzz on buzz.  You may never get the buzzing out of your head.  (Really, though, if you hear constant buzzing, that might be tinnitus & you should probably see a doctor.)  (Listening to this show, it must be noted, may be as irritating as having tinnitus.)

All the buzzing your onomatopoeia-loving self can stand is now available at the Self Help Radio web site.  You may go directly to show by buzzing the following links: part one bzzz & part two bzzz.  I have prepared a handy list below that's got the buzz on which buzz songs are on which part.

Thanks for listening to all this buzzing!

(part one)

"Mr. Buzz" P. Van Meren _Stereo Ultra Vol. 2_
"Why Does A Bee Buzz?" Marais & Miranda _More Nature Songs_
"Buzz Buzz Buzz" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Back In Your Life_

"Buzz Me Babe" Slim Harpo _Rocks_
"Buzz Buzz A-Diddle-It" Freddie Cannon _His Latest & Greatest_
"Buzzin'" Kathy Zee _Hot Boppin' Girls, Vol. 4_
"Buzzin'" The King Bees _Rockin' From Coast To Coast, Vol. 2_
"Buzz Buzz Buzz" The Treniers _A Proper Introduction To The Treniers: Go! Go! Go!_
"Buzz Me" Ella May Morse _The Very Best Of Ella Mae Morse_

"I Gotta Buzz" The Buzz _Joe Meek Rarities Vol. 2: The Beat Groups Era_
"I Live For Buzz" The Swingin' Neckbreakers _Children Of Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The Second Psychedelic Era 1976-1996_
"Buzz" Lord High Fixers _Flaming Burnout_
"Keep That Buzz Alive" Booze-O-Phonic _Green Light Go!_
"The Buzz" John Wesley Harding & The English UK _Making Love To Bob Dylan_

"Buzz" Pylon _Chomp More_

(part two)

"Buzz" Throwing Muses _The Season Sessions: Fall_
"Buzz" Lemuria _Get Better_
"Love Buzz" Shocking Blue _At Home_
"What's The Buzz" Ted Neeley _Jesus Christ Superstar_

"Buzzin'" Panjabi MC _The Album_
"Eardrum Buzz" Wire _Wire 1985-1990: The A List (Best Of)_
"Sugar Buzz" Li'l Cap'n Travis _Twilight On Sometimes Island_
"Birds Buzzin'" The Gronks _Cats & Dogs_
"Buzz Buzz Buzz" The Primitives _Lazy 86 - 88_

"Saddle Up A Buzz Buzz" The Cramps _Stay Sick!_
"Buzz Stomp" Afrika Korps _Music To Kill By_
"Buzzers" Scott Walker _The Drift_
"Big Blue Buzz" Choo Choo Train _Briar High_
"Buzzing Unobtrusively" The Deep Freeze Mice _The Tender Yellow Ponies Of Insomnia_

P.S. Yes, that's a Self Help Radio buzzer up there.

Whither Buzz?

I didn't hear the buzz but I did get a buzz cut with a buzz saw.

That buzzing noise from some far-off buzzer is telling you Self Help Radio's show about all kindsa buzz is happening TODAY on 88.1 fm WRFL.  That's from four to six Lexingtime.  You can listen to it in the city or, if you're not in the city, but you are in your computer, you can listen to it on the WRFL web page.

The buzzing in your head may never stop, since I will put the show later on the Self Help Radio web site.

I'm just going to be going buzzzzzzzzzzzz-zzz-zzzz-zzzz-zzzzzzz-zzz-zz-zz-zzzzz-zzzzzzz all damn day long.

Preface To Buzz: Buzz Off!

Here's the thing.  If you look up the definition of "buzz off," not only is it "chiefly Brit." but it means "to go away; to leave; to depart."

But if you go to an online thesaurus & look for synonyms (is there a special figure of speech for phrases that are synonyms?) for "buzz off," you get these: "bugger off, scram, fuck off, get."

It seems like the phrase is not as innocent as one might think.

Let's go to the Urban Dictionary!

Oh that wasn't very nice.  It just says it means, "Go away."

It doesn't seem to be very polite to say "buzz off."  But is there a polite way to say it?

So Much Tumblr

Did you know?  Self Help Radio has a Tumblr page!  It's only peripherally related to the show - I put videos & images on it, but I don't put things related to themes.  I guess its only relationship to the show is that I do both of them.  But there are some Self Help Radio-ish things on the page, like this graphic I found probably on some other Tumblr blog:

That's on the Self Help Radio Tumblr page today.  Plus a couple of videos.

I just looked - I have almost a thousand entries on in blog!  What?  No!  Impossible!

But there it is.

Fifty Years Later

Sebastian was mourning (once again) the death of radio.  He said radio was like the dodo, or the fan-tailed fluffernutter, or the casio gameboy - things that once may have existed but now surely never will again.

"Do you remember the last time you listened to radio?" he said as he threw himself upon the divan.

"I do not," I said.  "I was born as radio was dying.  I have always gotten music uploaded into my cranial hard drive by juice & pills."

"Also," he yawned, "we don't use our ears anymore.  Except for tattooing their piercings."

Another bridge exploded & fell in the distance.

"Do you know," he told me, "people like you and me - well, you know, not as enhanced by implantation - ha ha!"

"Ha ha!" I said.

"People used to do radio."

"Do radio?" I asked.

"Yes," Sebastian said saucily.

"Do," I repeated.  "You mean like one does Paris?"

"No, no, my dear boy," he said, waving me down with his electronic meth pipe.  "No, I mean do as one does a randy-loo."

"A randy-loo!" I said, feeling a blush come to my cheeks.  "Sebastian, you naughty stinkbug!"

"Oh yes," he said, delighted that he has caused me embarrassment, "there were people called deejays who would sequester themselves in little rooms and play music for anyone who might - well, in those days, it was called listening."

"But all the time they were...?"

"Yes! Yes!  All the time it was randy-loo!"

We collapsed in a heap of naughty laughter.

"Randy-loo!" he gasped.  "Randy-loo!  Randy-loo!"

Mother came in to readjust the oxygen.  "Stop talking, you two," she said.  "Our air rations for this week have been particularly diminished.  Use your virtual keyboards to chat."

We nodded, chastened.  She left.

"Oh but I love to talk," said Sebastian.  "It's so decadent."

"Me 2," I texted him.

Don't Stop!

Don't!  Keep going!  If you stop, you'll die!  Well, maybe not die.  But.  Don't stop!  Don't stop!

Okay, you can stop & listen to the 'Don't Stop' show, which is now available on the Self Help Radio website.  If you can't stand still for long, you can access the two parts directly: part I is here & part II is here.  List of songs below.

Don't stop listening!

(part one)

"Don't Stop, Don't Don't Stop, Don't Stop, Don't Stop" Wobbly _Wild Why_
"Don't Stop" The Orioles _The Jubilee Recordings_
"Don't Stop" Horace Andy _The Wonderful World Of Horace Andy_

"Don't Stop" Alex Chilton _A Man Called Destruction_
"Don't Stop" The Rolling Stones _Forty Licks_
"Don't Stop" The Frank & Walters _Beauty Becomes More Like Life_
"Don't Stop" The Stone Roses _The Stone Roses_

"Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow (William Clinton)" Oscar Brand _Presidential Campaign Songs, 1789-1996_
"Don't Stop Believin'" Petra Haden _Guilt By Association_
"Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" The Embarrassment _Heyday 1979-83_
"One Monkey Don't Stop No Show" Big Maybelle _The OKeh Rhythm & Blues Story_

"Don't Stop Loving Me" Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys _San Antonio Rose_
"Don't Stop - I Like It! (with Hal Lone Pine)" Betty Cody _The Successful Hillbilly Era Of Betty Cody_
"Don't Stop Kissing Me Goodnight" Sheb Wooley _That's My Pa_

(part two)

"Don't Stop The Music" George Jones _Cup Of Loneliness: The Classic Mercury Years_
"Please Don't Stop Loving Me" Porter Wagoner & Dolly Parton _20 Greatest Hits_
"Don't Stop Now" Roy Hall _Roy Rocks_

"Don't Stop Dancing (To The Music)" The Bar Kays _Gotta Groove_
"It's A Disco Night (Rock Don't Stop)" The Isley Brothers _Step Back & Boogie_
"Move Your Feet" Junior Senior _D-D-Don't Don't Stop The Beat_
"Don't Stop The Night" Momus _Don't Stop The Night_

"Don't Stop Now" The Encounters _Don't Stop_
"Don't Stop" Larry Trider _Teen Town USA, Vol. 4_
"Don't Stop" The Parting Gifts _Strychnine Dandelion_
"Don't Stop Loving Me Baby" Flying Machine _Flight Recorder_
"Don't Stop" The Dodos _No Color_

"A River Don't Stop To Breathe" Múm _Sing Along To Songs You Don't Know_
"Don't Stop" Pocketbooks _Waking Up EP_

Whither Don't Stop?

This day has not stopped, or else I would have stopped to tell you HEY!  Today is Self Help Radio day!  The theme today is "don't stop" & please don't stop me if you think you've heard this before, because I am not stopping now.

Listen!  On the air in Lexington, Kentucky, from 4 to 6 pm, on the 88.1 fm frequency.

Listen!  Online anywhere at WRFL dot fm, also from 4 to 6 pm because the stream is in real time.  Really!

Oh no!  You read this blog entry later than 6pm on February 15, 2013.  What the hell can you do?  You can listen!  But from a file downloaded at the Self Help Radio web site.  (That's not ready as I write this - since I haven't even done the show yet!)

This blog post may be stopping but Self Help Radio today don't stop!

Preface To Don't Stop: Do Stop

I have been thinking about things that I wish would stop, he said.

Like what, she said.

Wars.  Poverty.  Hunger.  Reality television shows, he said.

It seems like those things continue, she said, because there's money in them.

Someone makes money from poverty & hunger? he asked.

You're so naïve, she said.

Happy Valentine's Day, he said.

Happy Valentine's Day to you, she said.

Revenge Of Kid Stupids

So what if that stupid kid called me didn't learn how to tie his shoes until third grade?  Is third grade really nine years old?  What the hell happened before that?  Untied shoes!  Shoes tied so tightly that they couldn't be untied!  Poor stupid kid stupids!

What about stupid kids in the snow?  Did they really say today while there was some snow but it wasn't sticking did they really say:

Stupid kid: We should make a snowman.
Another stupid kid: There's not enough snow.  There's also rain.
Stupid kid: We should make a rainman.

Stupid kid stupids unaware of Dustin Hoffman movie!

Why sit alone in your advancing age thinking about how stupid you were anyway?  You were a kid & kids (except for Mozart) are pretty stupid.  It's only because so many adults are stupid adults that kids are tolerated.  Otherwise something would be done.  To make stupid kids not so stupid.

Or else what could be done?

Goats Yelling Like Humans

Yes.

Love Is...

It's the annual Self Help Radio Valentine's Day show!  As usual, a detailed & methodical pseudoscientific exploration of a theme - this one is finishing the sentence "love is..."  What is love?  Is it a rose, a stranger, the drug, a heat wave, a gamble, a fiction, a hurting thing, or the sweetest thing?  As you'll discover, the answer is yes!

You can listen to the show right now & even on Valentine's Day & probably for like a year after it (& still never really know what love is) at the Self Help Radio website.  Should you need instant gratification, you can listen to the two parts of the show by clicking either part one or part two.  While love is strange & might well be a mystery, there's no mystery about the songs on this week's show - they're listed below!

Happy Valentine's Day!

(part one)

"Love" The Dream Academy _A Different Kind Of Weather_
"Love Is" A House _The Way We Were: The Best Of A House_
"Love Is A Rose" Neil Young _Decade_

"Love Is A Stranger" Eurthymics _Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)_
"Love Is A Shield" Camouflage _80s Precious Little Diamonds_
"Love Is Lighter Than Air" Magnetic Fields _Get Lost_
"Love Is Blue" Hangman's Beautiful Daughters _Dreamworld 1985-1987_

"Love Is The Drug" Hot Rats _Hot Rats_
"Love Is Like" Strange Fate _Sigh Cry Die: 29 Garage Rock Tales Of Woe & Despair From The Sixties_
"Finding Out True Love Is Blind" Louis XIV _The Best Little Secrets Are Kept_
"(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave" The Jam _Setting Sons_
"Love Is All Around" Hüsker Dü _Eight Miles High_

"Love Is Strange (Take 4)" Mickey & Sylvia _Love Is Strange_

(part two)

"Love Is A Gamble" Johnny Mathis _Rhythms Of Broadway_
"What Is Love" Judy Mackenzie _Judy_
"Love Is A Merry-Go-Round" Charlie Barnet & His Orchestra _Charlie Barnet 1937 - 1939_
"Love Is... 1968" Beaumont _This Is Beaumont_

"Love Is A Sign" The Go-Betweens _16 Lovers Lane Acoustic Démos_
"Love Is The Answer" Even As We Speak _Feral Pop Frenzy_
"Is That Love" Squeeze _East Side Story_
"Love Is The Slug" Fuzzbox _We've Got A Fuzzbox & We're Gonna Use It_
"Sweetest Thing" U2 _Where The Streets Have No Name_

"Love Is Red/Green" Tender Trap _Film Molecules_
"If That's What Love Is" Television Personalities _Constrictor Collector Series 7"_
"Love Is A Fiction" Shirts _Street Light Shine_
"Love Is Like A Bullet" Shoes _Shoes' Best_

"Love Is Everywhere" Pharoah Sanders _Love Will Find A Way_
"Love Is A Hurting Thing" Toussaint McCall _Nothing Takes The Place Of You_
"Love Is Not A Game" Sam E. Solo _Big City Soul, Vol. 1_

Whither Love Is...?

Love is... this week's theme on Self Help Radio!

Listen!  88.1 fm in Lexington, Kentucky!

Listen! Online at wrfl.fm!

Listen!  Later on (perhaps even on Valentine's Day?) on the Self Help Radio website!

Love is...

How the hell should I know what love is?

Preface To Love Is...: Oh God, It's A WEEK Until Valentine's Day?

If my show were still on Monday mornings, I'd be doing my show on Valentine's Day week.  It seems a little silly to be doing the show a week before Valentine's Day.  No one is thinking about chocolate & flowers on the Friday before the Valentine's Day that's on a Thursday.  Indeed, it might be safe to say that if I did it the day after Valentine's Day this year, which is a Friday, there would still be residual love left for me to pull off a day-after-Valentine's-Day show.

Listen: one of this days, I'm going to do a show about Valentinus, an early Christian who believed in that kooky kind of Kristianity called Gnosticism.  (He probably wouldn't have called it that - he would've called himself a Real Christian not like those soon-to-be-Catholic fuckers.)

Look: here's a graphic (well, it's made up of text) I took from the page about Valentinianism on the Wikipedia:

I can't even begin to explain what this is supposed to mean.  See, the beginning of all things at one thing projected thirty Aeons who are fifteen pairs of heavenly archetypes.  & Jesus comes along at some point.  I am not drunk nor high enough to really understand it (or explain it!) & also I don't think our culture would be as screwed-up sexually if Gnostic Christianity had beaten the "orthodox" Christianity that prevailed (the Gnostics also thought the flesh was icky).  But boy! wouldn't this have been fun to learn instead of Jesus walking on the water?  It's like if Zen had become the dominant form of Buddhism.

This has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, which is not Valentinus' day.  He doesn't get one.  All of his writings are lost, presumed destroyed.  Because the "orthodox" Christians who triumphed are sore winners.

Love Is... (The Comic)

I'm toying with the idea of just reading selections from this comic (you know what I'm talking about) on my show this week.  The one up there.  Could that be a real "Love Is" comic?  It's among other real Love Is... comics on this page but I don't know.  What the hell could it possibly mean?

I think someone's getting pranked here.

Here's another anomaly from the page:

The rest, though, seem as solid as the regular "Love Is..." syrup.

An Artist I'm Always Forgetting I Like: De Chirico

Many paintings here.

That painting up there, which is called "Mystery & Melancholy Of A Street," was in one of my high school English texts.  I remember being enchanted by it, at a time when I didn't really have any opinion of art at all.

I was never able to make what happened in my head come out properly on the page in my art classes in middle school, & I have no idea if my high school had art classes - I certainly would never have thought to take them.  At best I drew lots of comic strips.  But real art?  It seemed very far away.

I love De Chirico's fucked up perspective, but I also love his shadows.  The shadows!  I always find myself wanting to explore the rest of his paintings, like I could climb inside & find out what the hell's happening on the other side of the building.

I need to remember to look at more art now & then.  It's good for the head.

The Naked Show

Disgraceful.  A naked radio show.  In this day & age!  Well!  It's time for some kind of internet rating system.  I am outraged!  & it's my show!  Nude beaches!  Naturism!  Streaking!  What is this show coming to?

It's available for those with prurient interests at self help radio dot net.  If you can't be bothered with searching for it on a website, you can listen to the filthy show in either of its two parts: part one is here & part two is here.  You can see what disgusting songs were played below.

I'll understand if it's just too disgusting to listen to.

(part one)

"I Am Naked" Stereo Total _Do The Bambi_
"I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked" Ida Maria _Fortress Round My Heart_
"My Birthday Suit" Cattanooga Cats _Cattanooga Cats_

"Naked" Autohaze _Counter Clockwise_
"Naked" The Dentists _Naked 10"_
"Naked" Shoestrings _Wishing On Planes_
"Naked" Sera Cahoone _Deer Creek Canyon_

"Take Your Clothes Off When You Dance" Frank Zappa & The Mothers Of Invention _We're Only In It For The Money_
"Theme For A Nude Beach" The B-52's _Nude On The Moon: The B-52's Anthology_
"Totally Nude" Talking Heads _Naked_
"The Girls Are Naked" Creation _Our Music Is Red With Purple Flashes_
"She Was Naked" Supersister _Control OST_

"The Streak" Ray Stevens _Gitarzan_

(part two)

"The Ballad Of The Mad Streaker" Larry Lujack, Superjock _The Ballad Of The Mad Streaker_
"Here Comes The Streaker" High Voltage _Hard To Find Vol. 1_
"Strip Me Naked" Love, Peace & Happiness _Love Is Stronger_

"You Naked" Jamie Lidell _You Naked_
"Naked, Drunk ∓ Horny" Yellow Note Vs Pukka _This Is Tech Pop_
"Butt Naked Man Stresses The Importance Of Proper Schooling" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"Undressed" Lloyd Cole _Lloyd Cole_
"We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" Class _Double Agent 1980_

"Naked Girl Falling Down The Stairs" The Cramps _Flamejob_
"Naked To The World" Obits _Moody, Standard & Poor_
"Naked In My Car" The Pushtwangers _The Pushtwangers Mini-LP_
"Photographs Of Naked Ladies" Toy Love _Cuts_

"Take Off Your Clothes To Feel The Setting Sun" Wolfgang Druner Quintet _Untouchable Outcaste Beats_
"Naked As The Day You Were Born" The Weather Prophets _Creation Soup Vol 4_

Whither The Naked Show?

Dude, it is EIGHTEEN DEGREES FAHRENHEIT in Lexington, Kentucky, right now.  (That's negative eight degrees Celsius if you must know, or as I like to say, -8.)  Who in their right mind would want to do a show about nakedness in freezing temperatures?

It's rather warm in the WRFL studios, is all I'm saying.  Why is that?  It's because it's boiler room heat!

Listen!  It's a clothing-optional Self Help Radio!  From 4 to 6 pm TODAY!  On 88.1 fm in Lexington!  On wrfl dot fm in warmer & colder climes!  Or listen later in the privacy of your own nudist colony at the Self Help Radio website!

(It may take awhile, though - I might have frozen extremities after two hours naked in this temperature.  Boiler heat or not.)

Preface To The Naked Show: Gymnophobia

Gymnophobia literally means "naked fear" & I hope you don't have it.  Sure, it's a phobia, it's irrational, you know it's irrational, but like being afraid that bugs might be crawling over you, you start to think about it & then you're swatting your pants leg & then they're all over your back & you can feel them in your hair & you're like OH GOD THEY'RE EVERYWHERE EVERYWHERE AGGH! AGGGGHHH!

That very thing (in ALL CAPS!) may happen to you if you're afraid of nudity & you listen to Self Help Radio this week.  That would be the very definition of unfortunate.  As unfortunate, you know, as happening to listen to Self Help Radio.

The Wikipedia has a short article about it & has this tidbit, "Child gymnophobia is common due to peer pressure, bullying, & a fear of exposing sexual organs."

This reminds me of a weird experience in the field house - you know, the place where you "dressed out" in gym class in middle school - when I was in sixth grade.  I was not a terribly bright child & most probably hadn't hit puberty yet, & didn't have any information about what might happen when I did, & I remember watching two older boys - eighth graders! - teasing each other in a playful way by roughhousing & snapping each other with towels & that sort of thing so popular (one imagines) in gay pornography.  The freaky moment happened - & I think I was watching this because I found the field house so incredibly frightening & I "dressed out" in-between the wall & the door of my locker - one of the two older kids made the other feel bad by "flashing" him his junk, which, he proudly pointed out, featured public hair.  (I assumed the other boy didn't have any yet.)

Yeah, I had no idea that sort of thing - hair. down there. - was going to happen to me.

Imagine!  I went to gym class every day of sixth grade for at least nine months & that's all I really remember about it.  Trauma!

I don't know if I'm gymnophobic, but I certainly don't like to see people I know in states of undress.  Perhaps it's just prudishness, or perhaps it's some fear that there's something that's supposed to happen to my naked body that hasn't happened yet - & I'll see it on someone else - & that would freak me out as much seeing male pubic hair for the first time.

My show will probably not have anything to do with this story.  I just went where my memories led me.  Nakedness, so popular on the internet, has proved a bit of a weird tangent on this naked blog.

Last Night

First night on a Friday was about last night.  Why do we say "last night" & not "last morning" or "last afternoon"?  If we do say that, what do we mean?  Grammarians are asked!  Answers might even be found (that would be a nice thing)!  If you didn't listen last night, it'll be up for many nights in the future!

Radio show here: website.  Radio show in two parts: direct link to part one, direct link to part two.  List of what songs are in both parts: below.

Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Where Did You Sleep Last Night?" Lead Belly _Country Blues Outlaws_
"Let's Go Again (Where We Went Last Night)" Hank Ballard _Sexy Ways: The Best Of Hank Ballard_
"Last Night I Dreamed" Max Bygraves _The Decca Years 1957-1962_

"Last Night" Mondo Crescendo _Beikoku-Ongaku Magazine # 11 - 1998 Early Summer_
"Last Night On The Back Porch" The Andrews Sisters _Sing The Dancing 20s_
"Last Night I Fell Asleep On Your Floor" Saturday Looks Good To Me _Saturday Looks Good To Me_
"Last Night I Heard You Crying In Your Sleep" Hank Williams _The Complete Hank Williams_
"After Last Night" The Rev-Lons _One Kiss Can Lead To Another: Girl Group Sounds Lost & Found_

"Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me" The Smiths _Strangeways, Here We Come_
"Had A Dream Last Night" Sandie Shaw _The Greatest Hits Of Sandie Shaw_
"Something I Dreamed Last Night" Julie London _London By Night_
"Last Night A DJ Saved My Life" Indeep _The Disco Years Vol. 2: On The Beat (1978-1982)_

"On Her Doorstep Last Night" Percival Mackey & His Band _Songs The Bonzo Dog Band Taught Us_
"Where Did You Stay Last Night?" Famous Hokum Boys _The Complete Recorded Works, Vol. 2: 1930 - 1931_
"You Weren't Ashamed To Kiss Me Last Night" Davis Sisters _The Davis Sisters, 1952-53 Vol. 2_

(part two)

"I Dreamed I Saw Joe Hill" Joan Baez _Folk Song America: A 20th Century Revival_
"I Dreamed I Saw Phil Ochs Last Night" Billy Bragg _The Internationale_
"Last Night" Laurel Aitken & The Soulmen _Trojan Mod Reggae Box Set_

"I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night (12" Mix)" The Thought _The Thought_
"Something Almost Brilliant Happened Last Night" The Siddeleys _Slum Clearance_
"Late Last Night" The Clean _Anthology_
"I Fell In Love Last Night" Heavenly _Heavenly Vs. Satan_

"Last Night" Me & You _Floating Heavy_
"Late Last Night" Slim Harpo _The Best Of Slim Harpo_
"Last Night I Dreamed You Kissed Me" Lillie Delk Christian _Louis Armstrong & The Blues Singers_
"Why Don't You Eat Where You Slept Last Night?" Zuzu Bollin _Ham Hocks & Cornbread_
"Last Nite" The Strokes _Is This It?_

"I Cried Last Night" The Shondells _The Ikon Records Story_
"Spent A Week With You Last Night" The Records _Smashes, Crashes & Near Misses_
"Late Last Night" The Boomtown Rats _The Fine Art Of Surfacing_

Gird Your Loins

According to these guys, "gird your loins" means "to prepare yourself mentally to do something difficult."  The site helpfully adds, "This phrase comes from the Bible, where girding up your loins meant to tie up long, loose clothes so that they were more practical when you were working or traveling."  & not something disgusting, which is totally what it sounds like.

Hey!  Self Help Radio is gearing up to get back into a regular schedule!  Show on Fridays!  Tomorrow I'll post last week's show!  No more vacation, taking time off, ignoring this blog!

Well, until tomorrow, that is.