Whither A Self Help Radio Without Gary?

I should title this "Whither Death & Taxes," as that is the theme this week, but since I won't be doing it, I am concentrating on my absence. As you should. For what is my absence but the lack of my presence? Surely I woke up this morning expecting to be there, & you should be expecting me to wake up next to you every morning. Wait. What? I mean, you should expect that I am on the radio when I am supposed to be on the radio (you know, like we're supposed to be happy), & when I am not there, you should be thinking, "But where is Gary? Could he be (as we might assume he be) in a mess o'trouble? For he ain't got a lick o'sense! But maybe he'll find a bit o'luck, & we'll see him when we see him." You should be thinking that, by the way, in a bad Southern accent. If you're thinking it in a good Southern accent, you're missing the point.

Instead of preparing for my show in (what is it now?) nine days - & this show will change everything you think about dope dealers & greeting cards, I promise you - I have been watching the Larry Sanders show. If only Self Help Radio could be the Larry Sanders Show. This is my fictional invitation to a fictional talk show host played a person who has the beautifulest of all names, Gary, but spells it with two rs as if to say he's better than those Garys who spell with only one r. & he is. But he's the only one. Take that Garry Fucking Marshall! I didn't need you to finance my movie anyway.

So the show won't have me this week, but you will have the show. Except the show won't be hosted by me, so, although I am certain Art Baker will do a fabulous job, it won't quite be the show that I do. You know, the show that I do to you. For you. Because it is just me & you, my love, & the problems of one very minor radio celebrity & one completely oversexed listener don't amount to a hill of beans in this laser-hair-removal world. What are those problems? Well, I'd suggest we start at the Potsdam Conference & work our way down.

I'm hungry. Want to grab a bite to eat? Cool.

Preface To A Self Help Radio Without Gary: What If It Becomes A Habit?

Dearest Friends,

I am sorry I cannot be with you this week. Self Help Radio has been, alas, the victim of a buyout. A hostile takeover. Evil corporate ethics at their worst.

So this week, Art Baker of Jamaican Gold has kindly decided to step in to be a place-holder (& to do a damn fine show, I suspect) while the dust settles. While the lawyers fuck. While the money is counted.

This probably means a great deal to you, the shareholders. After all, you urged me to go public in October. You were all like, "Gary, your show is a public treasure! Let's all own a piece of you!"

The blame is partially my own, of course. I have a gambling problem. My problem is, I don't know how to gamble. I am completely incapable of learning the rules to any particular game. The cards need to add up to 21? How can they do that without calculators? The little ball goes where? Okay, I've put my coin in, why doesn't the machine move? Tens are wild? Is that like saying "nines are frisky but ones are dull"?

In any event, I lost even my controlling share in Self Help Radio. Next week, I will be an employee of the show, not the owner & proprietor. Which reminds me, I need to get a new shingle to hang out front. Anyway.

I can't be at the show this week, but please tune in to hear Art Baker talk about "death & taxes" & play songs about it. I'll be back the next Friday with a continuation of the Indiepop A To Z series, but, alas, you'll hear these chilling words - the death rattle of a show killed by commerce:

"Self Help Radio, a fully owned subsidiary of Bloat Enterprises, Worldwide. All rights reserved."

Sigh.

A Friday Hoppity

So, although I'm not sure if this is the official word of the station, the KOOP Spring 2007 Membership Driveis ending today. We have probably met our goal ($35,000) by now, & just want to be grateful & end the day with smaller & smaller requests for your help. Of course no money will be rejected, & I'll have special copies of "The Black Cassette" to give away on my own show for your pledges. So please listen. If you've been kinda down this week, & it reminds you of being a depressed teenager, my show should be a kind of comfort.

I won't be doing my show next week - I have an important presentation at work - but Art Baker of Jamaican Gold will be sitting in to do a Self Help Radio show about "Death & Taxes." I can't wait.

I'll be writing all next week, though, because I can. & because I've got writer's block in regards to my giant history of the war on sailing.

Do tune in! & do help give monetary support to Self Help Radio!

No Letter Today

Kurt Vonnegut has died.

I am sad & have nothing to say.

Whither The Black Cassette?

If you haven't guessed - & assuming you care - I haven't been doing very well during the current KOOP Membership Drive. I get lots of calls during my show, & hardly any of them are people telling me to fuck off & die, so I can only guess why this radio show I work so hard for is incapable of raising any money for the radio station I love.

Maybe these are some reasons:

1) Everyone's just being nice. I suck.
2) People who might listen to my show like other KOOP shows better & give their money to that show.
3) My Membership Drive shows haven't been very good.

I am a sensitive soul & it has broken my already flimsy heart to not do very well, & I do expect there will come a time when there's no more Self Help Radio on KOOP. But while there is, I might as well continue to do this blog.

If it's any consolation - even if everyone who read this blog gave money to Self Help Radio, I'd still not be doing very well. I see the stats. Do you know how many people looked at this blog since last Wednesday? 28 hits. & some of you come more than once.

What's that? You didn't know you were invited to a Pity Party? Indeed! You are the Pity Party Pooper!

As I finish my fourth decade on this planet, I am strangely out of step - I find it hard to believe I was in college twenty years ago, & that there are some albums that I've known for longer than I've known most of the people I know. So - as a kind of therapy for me - for this last Membership Drive show, I thought I'd revisit that time period. I was a very depressed & lonely boy & the music I loved reflected that. The band My Favorite have a song called "The Black Cassette" (if you haven't heard it, the lyrics are here) which describes what could have been for me the summer of 1987. Or 1988. Or even 1998 if you want to make a big to-do of it, except I was on the road to figuring some shit out by then.

The show this week will be my reconstruction of what my black cassette might have been in those days. It may be a little too dark for an afternoon show - I'll be playing Joy Division, for fuck's sake! - but let's face it, I'm not going to make any more money for KOOP than I already have. So instead I'll just play music that's been in my head & heart for nearly twenty years now.

Afterwards, of course, we'll be jamming the Suicide Hotline. Call them early.

Preface to The Black Cassette: An Elegy For Dead Media

I missed a bus yesterday & had to take one of the University's evening "combo" busses (cheaper than their "super-size" busses - no one can finish those trips!) & it went through a neighborhood I lived in five or six years ago & am never really around anymore. It's also been a glorious spring in Austin, so everything is lime green & glowing, even though the degrees the past few days have been closer to January temperatures than April ones (it's fine, though - it's over 80 degree today). Anyway, I did that thing that everyone does, clucking to myself how much has changed, oh, I remember who used to live there, etc., etc. It made me a little melancholy & I thought to myself, "If only I had never moved from here, I wouldn't be surprised by how much has changed."

Isn't that a weird thought? I really wouldn't want to live over there anymore - I like my house, I like my neighborhood - so what was I thinking? I was just missing stuff. Scientists have proven that, the longer you live, the more time you have spent, the more stuff you'll miss. Even with heavy drinking & possible brain damage from a lifetime of stumbles & head injuries, you can still have a sense of a place which, when disturbed, causes the feeling called "missing." I miss a lot of stuff. I've forgotten most of what I miss, but I miss it the same.

Tomorrow I'll talk about the last of my poorly-received Membership Drive shows, which is based on a song by the now-defunct band called My Favorite called "The Black Cassette," but today I just want to remember how amazing cassettes were for what seemed like the longest time of my life.

Nowadays, of course, we know the CD is over & we wait for the computer chips they'll plant in our head into which we can download songs. But I remember stealing my mother's cassettes - cassettes on which her parents in Germany had recorded their lives for her, cassettes she might have wanted to listen to when they died years later - to record nonsense on because, being 8 years old, I couldn't afford the 99 cents that a bag of three cheap cassettes cost. (Here's a fun correlation: a bag of cheap cassettes then, a spindle of cheap blank CDs today.)

I remember learning about cassette snobbery: when I asked a friend of mine to record something for me, he refused the cheap three-for-99¢ cassette I gave him, & used something he called "high bias" or something. Maybe I even learned that Dolby was not the name of that "Blinded Me With Science" dude. Whatever. It played just fine for me.

When I was was at KVRX, in the dwindling days before CD burning became a reality, I taped stuff from CDs that I reviewed. Short of buying the CDs (or stealing them, which I didn't do) taping was the only way to have them. Then - I think it must've been ten or so years ago - suddenly my department at work got a CD burner. I burned a shitload of stuff from KVRX in my last months there - I wonder what might have happened if technology were just a little bit faster...

Do I miss cassettes? They hissed. They got chewed up. They came (like CDs!) in plastic containers that cracked when dropped. I know I do miss making mix cassettes for girls. I do miss the care required in filling up two sides of 45 minutes each. An 80 minute CD seems charmless by comparison.

I have a feeling we'll be saying the same thing about [insert current technology here] in a couple of years. & I'll miss it. & hey! I might even make a radio show about it. What fun!

A Thursday Letter Makes Everything Better

I got this from a friend of mine who thought she was writing me a personal email:

Gary,
I know you'd rather spend your time worry about the Membership Drive and how badly you'll do boo hoo hoo, but I was thinking you might be able to help me with this:
I was thinking about the idiom, "Smart as a box of rocks," and wondering if there are others out there that convey the same meaning/feeling. I found a page of idioms, and there are some good ones, but I thought you'd just be able to make some better ones off the top of your head. Or maybe you could put it on your web page and everybody could come up with one!

Good idea, "friend" who doesn't care if my show disappears when no one supports it. Do you know how many people actually read this blog? Counting my mom? Counting my brothers, two of whom don't know how to read? Not a lot, but if even they gave a little bit of money to KOOP during my show, I might not get demoted & be forced to do three minutes at the end of day Sundays. So laugh, laugh, laugh about my sensitivity. I stole money from your house the last time I was there. Ha!

Er. Well, it doesn't matter, she doesn't read this blog anyway.

"Smart as a box of rocks," eh? That's pretty dumb. Unless one considers that the consciousness of rocks may be on an epic time scale & they take eons to deliberate. That makes our smarts hasty & ill-thought-out. Ever thought of that?

I like the idea of making up idioms ourselves, but I won't be a party to your condescension. I'll rather share some completely new Idioms For All Occasions, & you yourself can decide what they mean. But I'll expect to hear people use them on a regular basis or I'll pout.

1) She's the cheese in her own soup.
2) As scary as the war on sailing.
3) If you've got a pocket full of nickels, it must be spring!
4) Between the devil & the wombat, opt for the devil.
5) Turn when the road turns; only follow the sidewalk so far.
6) Don't let green leaves or cold pipes slow you down.
7) Act as though each day could possibly be repossessed.
8) To the many, mugs; to the few, tumblers.
9) Don't brush your armhair gently over him.
10) The laughter of arhythmia.

Feel free to add your own! It's our language to change as we want.

& do think about becoming a member on my show tomorrow... Details linked above... Call from foreign lands or call from inside my house after you're broken in... Just please help my show before I run out of ellipses...

Whither The White Album Covered?

I can't remember which cool East Coast band of the Throwing Muses - Pixies - Breeders - Belly axis covered a Beatles song first - it might have been Throwing Muses covering "Cry Baby Cry" or it might have been the Pixies covering "Wild Honey Pie" for a Peel Session - but basically every one of those bands (except Belly, now that I think about it) (but including members of the bands solo) covered a Beatles song. & every one of those covers came from The White Album.

Why do people like hip post-punker Americans think the White Album is so cool? Why do I think it's so cool?

I've been listening - seriously listening, not just familiar with them because they never go away - to the Beatles since I was in sixth grade. I saw that so-awful-it's-brilliant movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band as a very little kid, & I was enchanted. Dopey as I was, I knew the title song was a Beatles song, but I was certain the rest of the soundtrack was new. That must've irked one of my older brothers - or, more probably, I asked for it - because for Christmas that year, I got the Beatles album. I never looked back - I knew right away the movie was garbage & the candy-colored record was the real thing. I was probably ten or eleven at the time.

(My older brothers & sisters, alas, were never again able to advise me about music. They listened to the radio, &, when the radio made a right turn, they stayed with what was "classic." My brothers were never able to advise me which Elvis Costello album I should start with, & boy did I get a blank stare when I asked about the Velvet Underground. Probably still would!)

(Maybe that's not entirely fair - my sister Karin did let me borrow a Ramones greatest hits record when I was in high school. But that's probably it.)

Anyway, I devoured the red & blue greatest hits comps (the only Beatles stuff I had besides Sgt Pepper) & though I didn't have the money to buy the records (I was young & had no income, & the records never showed up in bargain bins, & when I saved up & bought "Meet The Beatles," I remember how ripped off I felt because it was barely thirty minutes long), I did tape a show called "Ringo's Yellow Submarine" which was on at the time (it was in fact hosted by Ringo & he played Beatles songs from all over) & one radio station in Dallas used to play entire records at 10pm every weeknight. One night, they were playing the White Album.

I had a crappy unit that wasn't quite a boombox, but it did have a cassette deck & a radio. The antenna had been destroyed long, long ago, so to get any reception at all, I had to put a finger on the little wedge of metal (which was kinda sharp - one false move & it meant a tetanus shot) where the antenna was bent off. The cassette of that broadcast had various moments (one in particular I always expect to hear at the end of "I'm So Tired" as it fades into "Blackbird") when I had to raise my hand for some reason, so the signal faded to static. That was my copy of The White Album for many years - until I bought a copy on white vinyl at a record store years later, when I was in high school.

The next day at school, & this was middle school, I talked to my few friends about it. In particular, I was blown away by "Revolution 9." I had listened to it three times that night. My friend Russell, who, unlike me, had an older brother with good taste in music, & who had listened to the record many more times than I had, dismissed that track as a waste of time, so we talked about the rest of the record. I don't remember being offended, mainly because I was so enchanted. Every new Beatles song was magical to me, & I consumed it uncritically.

Later on, of course, when making mix tapes of Beatles songs for playing in my car or whatever, I would notice certain things - particularly that I almost never put a song on a tape that Paul McCartney sang - but that period of attacking my idols would come later, when I just got exhausted that people listened to this one band & nothing else. As if music started & stopped with them. That is an attitude I find exceedingly dull.

When listening to the White Album a few months ago, & thinking about this show, I made it a point to listen to the whole thing (& expecting to hear static at the appropriate times from the old tape - when will I forget that?) & to think about why I liked it so much. I think it's because it's the one Beatles record that seems like solo records from each of the Beatles, but with all the other Beatles playing on them. John Lennon's stuff is of course astonishing. George Harrison manages to be interesting, promising something he would never deliver ("Long Long Long" may be the greatest song he ever wrote), Ringo's song is a throwaway, like his solo career, & Paul McCartney manages feeble homage, treacle, tedium & schmaltz. (& yes, I think "Helter Skelter" is overrated. If I must listen to it, I listen to hear Ringo get blisters on his fingers.) The record, in a remarkable way, predicts the careers of the Beatles a couple of years before the split - although, it's fair to note, they were really already beginning to split.

I think that's why it's so cool. & by the way, the songs covered by the people above - with the exception of "Wild Honey Pie," they're all exclusively Lennon songs.

This Friday I will have the entire White Album covered in my grubby hands - yes, I even found a cover of "Revolution 9" - but I probably won't get to play it all. What I will play, though - well, you'll have to listen in, won't you?

Preface To The White Album Covered: Whatever Happened To Those "Beatles" Anyway?

Need I remind you it's Membership Drive time at KOOP? You may not have wanted to give to Self Help Radio last week (I did poorly) but you do want to keep a station like KOOP on the air. Give early, give often.

This week I will pay tribute to a band known as "The Beatles" - in particular a record of theirs called "The Beatles." Since that record was issued with a kind of solid beige cover, the band wanted it to be known as "The Beige Album." Alas, it did not sell very well, & many copies were placed in the windows of record stores all over the world to keep the sun out. This tended to bleach the record's cover, & now it's known as "The White Album."

"The Beatles" were rumored to be from England. The band had four members, not including the father of one of the band members, George Sr., who did the production & was also rumored have killed the band's manager. As well, the band had its own swami, an Anglican bishop, a circus seal, a Japanese artist, their very own drugstore, & Bob Dylan on their speed dial. The four members wrote songs individually, but two of the members, one out of jealousy & the other just to be funny, signed their names to the each other's songs. The record had over nine hundred songs on it, but because of a miscalculation with the record company, only around 25 actually made it on to the disc.

As of 2007, no one knows what happened to this mysterious group, although there are rumors that one of them, the lead guitarist, became a famous porn star & died in the first Gulf War. Another rumor insists that "Beatle" who seemed the smartest was killed & eaten by the FBI, since J Edgar Hoover believed, like some cannibals, that if you eat a person you absorb their knowledge, & he always wanted to write a song. Some people even think that at least two of the "Beatles" are still alive, though there's no evidence for this. Seriously.

However, in certain hip circles, "The White Album" became a cult classic, & Self Help Radio this week will show how influential it has been by playing several of the songs covered. It's a great time to become a member of KOOP because the show itself will be great. Who knows? Maybe more people will want to hear more of these "Beatles"?

Tomorrow: but why do it? Is someone making me?

A Friday Plea

This Friday post is deadly serious. KOOP's Spring 2007 Membership Drive starts today & it's your chance to not only support Austin's best radio station, but also to become part of an exciting experiment in locally-controlled media. It's a win-win for all of us!

What? You think radio doesn't matter? Well, consider this story:

It's 1861, & in Charleston, South Carolina, there are only four radio stations. Three of them are owned by Plantation Media, the same group that owns all the radio in the South & a lot in the North. (After the Civil War, they became Clear Channel.) However, a plucky band of communists, anarchists, freed slaves & other "uppity" folk (as the late Molly Ivins would call them) run a community radio station which plays more than the faux English music & the annoying anti-Abolitionist screeds that the Plantation Media (a subsidiary of Fox) plays non-stop. In fact, it was this small station, called Radio Longfellow, that the first blues were ever played on the radio. Recordings of Thomas Paine & Thomas Jefferson were played often. The now-infamous "Russion Explosion Hour" featured live remotes with Tolstoy & Bakunin - all on a very limited budget. The owners of this station were harassed & persecuted by the elite slaveowners of South Carolina - but enough of the citizenry supported them that they stayed on the air. What a glorious time it was for radio!

Alas, when the Confederates started firing on Fort Sumter, a renegade Confederate officer named Clement Thurmond (a great great grand-uncle of Strom Thurmond) turned his cannon around & fired straight into the studios of Radio Longfellow, putting them off the air permanently. Why would he do such a thing? Because the station violently opposed secession, & they were starting to turn the people of Charleston around. Yes, some among the new Confederate ranks felt that a radio station was more of a threat than a garrison of Union soldiers.

Imagine! Those pesky volunteers could have stopped the Civil War! & nearly a century & a half later, radio is more vital than ever. That's why you want to support it, baby.

What? There were no radio stations in 1861? Whatever. The point is the same. Could radio have stopped the United States Civil War? Discuss among yourselves.

Alas! There will be no "Song Of The Day" today. I must rush to the station to help with the Membership Drive. Please please please tune in & please please please give to KOOP radio. You know in your hearts why it's important.

Your Letters Are Troublemakers! (But I Answer Them Anyway)

I answer letters every Thursday on this blog. There is no topic which I won't write about. So write me an email!

Here's a mostly made-up letter from a strictly speaking imaginary person we'll call "Rose."

He writes:

So, seriously Gary, what's so important about the Membership Drive?

I am glad you asked, man named Rose. (What?) You hear a lot of "pledge drives" & "membership drives" & fundraising efforts & it seems like everyone has them, but they don't. The crappy ass commercial radio stations you're always switching away from when they play crappy ass ads don't have to have fund-raising events because those crappy ass ads you're always avoiding - you know, when you switch over to KOOP - they pay for the station.

Why doesn't KOOP have ads? Or, maybe, you ask, doesn't KOOP have ads? We have something like them called underwriting announcements, but there are strict rules on what those spots can say. & - be honest - they're not nearly as annoying as commercial radio ads. & maybe because of those rules, KOOP doesn't make a lot of money from underwriting - we make our money to survive during these membership drives.

So. Here's the answer: we need the drive to survive. That's what's so important.

If you can give, please give. I'll have special premiums & I'll put on astonishingly good shows. You must therefore give. What would a world without Self Help Radio be like? Would you want to live in that world? Think about how fucked-up the world is outside of Austin - they can't hear Self Help Radio on the radio there. That's the problem with the world! So don't turn Austin into the rest of the world. Support KOOP & support Self Help Radio.

Speaking of, my show from last Friday is available for download in a podcast-sized mp3 ball. Click here - it's at the top of this page. Goes well with copious amounts of alcohol.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is a shabby psychedelic nugget by Houston's own the Red Krayola from their first record The Parable Of Arable Land. Click this name: Hurricane Fighter Plane for enlightenment. I will keep it available for two weeks. Then it's bye bye.

Tomorrow: the Membership Drive starts, I salute the Godfather Of Soul. You give lots of money to a worthy cause. Gird your loins. It's coming!

Whither James Brown - Sampled?

I was talking yesterday about how I keep my teeth clean with two parts shoe polish & one part vodka - but I wasn't talking about it here so I hope you're not confused. I carry on conversations in more than one dimension THANK YOU VERY MUCH & if you can't keep up, I will walk a little more slowly.

When James Brown died, nearly everyone on KOOP, recognizing the importance of this great artist in all our lives (let's be honest - they wouldn't be nearly as funky without him), paid some tribute or other. When I returned from Europe, I played him on my show that week - but only one track. I wanted to do something special.

During a Spirit Walk with my guru, Herb, I realized that, although I could breathe James Brown like air for days on end, it might be fun to see what really creative types (unlike my poor self) did with James Brown. I thought first of covers. Then I came out from under the covers. I was covered in shame. My guru, Herb, was covered in ghee. Don't ask. We communicated psychically - or maybe we were muttering under our breath - anyway, we decided that "covers" wasn't good enough.

Herb mentioned that James Brown was the most sampled artist in the world. I was a little embarrassed about this until Herb explained it was his music that was sampled, not him personally. He totally thinks I'm a prude. He says I'm the only spirit that turns up to a Spirit Walk completely clothed. He says, in fact, that I should perhaps LOOSEN THE FUCK UP.

I discovered that not only hip-hop artists have sampled the Godfather. & you can listen to my favorites of those intrepid folk Friday on my show!

Plus - it's a Membership Drive show, so please, wake the neighbors, call in favors, burden your family & steal from your work, but try to help KOOP out with a little cash. We do such good work for you & for the community, but we need to pay the bills. Besides - where else in this town would you find a Self Help Radio?

My "Song Of The Day" is a pretty song I played on my South By Some Some show, but you can listen to it here in better quality mp3 ism. It's from My Latest Novel from Scotland, from their debut record Wolves. It's called Sister Sneaker Sister Soul. Click to enjoy. Enjoy it until April 11. Then it goes away.

Preface To My James Brown Tribute: Will I Get Arrested For Sampling Samples?

James Brown actually came to Austin last summer. Did I see him? No, I didn't. Wanna know why? Because I'm a moron & there's a spiteful part of me that says "Since you couldn't see him at the Apollo in the 60s, when he was arguably at his best, you shouldn't see him now." Why do I do that? I don't know. But I do now regret it.

When James Brown died on Christmas Day last year, I was about to get on a plane to go to Europe. Someone else died around the same time - maybe an old president or something, whatever, nothing big - it occured to me that, even if some corrupt old lawmaker or other passed laws that somehow affected me in regards to the environment, taxes, education, etc., what I am most concerned with is the inner life I lead - the part of me that needs music in the way that politicians need power or religious folks need to believe - & in that part of me, James Brown's legacy, from the music he made to the music made with the music he made to the music he influenced - he touched me life in the way nearly no one else could have.

With typical speed, I am now getting to the tribute. Why the way I am doing it? Er, I'll talk about tomorrow. I am busy listening to hip hop songs trying to guess if that's a JB sample or not. Hmmmm.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is an outsider music track by the amazing Shooby Taylor - The Human Horn from Irwin Chusid's wonderful compilation Songs In The Key Of Z. The song is Stout-Hearted Men & even though it'll be gone in two weeks, you can find more of them on the page I link to up there.

Tomorrow: I'll try to be funny. But I miss James Brown.

If It Was Michigan Friday, It's A Monday Wrap

Thank you so much for tuning in last Friday as I broadcast Self Help Radio from a flaming asteroid hurtling toward Michigan. I'm so sorry we accidentally hit Ontario. That's my bad. I was totally listening to Bush administration scientists. I won't do that again!

We did have some haiku winners, though, & they won with these winning haikus:

FOURTH PLACE: Scott
Car stalled in Detroit
Arrested in Grand Rapids
We cannot escape

THIRD PLACE: Michelle
Take me to that state
That’s stuck between three Great Lakes
Rad peninsula!

SECOND PLACE: Chris
Lonely Michigan
Losing its songs & its jobs
Sleep in a snowbank

FIRST PLACE: Barbara
I need something new
Winter's lasted way too long
Sing your sweet spring song

& the mystery limerick writer wrote this:

My wife, she divorced me in Michigan
I lived all alone & got rich again
     We went for dinner & dancing
     The week I visited Lansing
& now she wants us to get hitched again!

This week is the start of the Spring 2007 Membership Drive so we may not have time for haiku. But maybe if you write a good one, we'll make the time. This week's show is a tribute to James Brown featuring my favorite hip-hop songs that sample him. It'll be very worth giving your money to you bet.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is by a sweet little English band called Magoo from their first record, The Soateramic Sounds Of Magoo. The song is called A To Z & Back Again, & click it to listen to it from a to z. It'll zoom away on April 9, 2007.

Tomorrow: the day I met James Brown & sampled him, & other crazy lies.

A Friday Caper

Friends, in less than two hours there will be a show on the radio so magnificient, so incredible, so embarrassingly good that you'll believe that radio is a transformative medium. You'll believe radio can change lives, as your life will be changed. You will never be able to think or feel in the same way again.

Unfortunately, I don't know which station that show's on. I'll place good odds it's not on in Austin - I mean, have you heard the radio in this town? Embarassing, that's what it is. Anyway, if you can find it, give me a call. But if you can't, & you've got nothing better to do, tune in to Self Help Radio today at 4:30pm either on your FM dial at 91.7 fm or on your computer dial (what?) over at koop.org. The show today's all about Michigan. It'll be for more than just Yoopers & Trolls.

Tune in! I'll be making tea!

Here's a funny "Song Of The Day" by the Smothers Brothers, from their record Think Ethic. It's called I Never Will Marry - click on it to listen. It's here till April 5, 2007.

Do tune in today!

Your Letters Are Stinky! (But I Answer Them Anyway)

LB asks me:

Gary, How was SXSW? Did you see good bands?

Thank you for asking, LB. & no, I still don't want to be your myspace friend. Your page is creepy.

I went to the KOOP Indiepop Hootenanny so I could see Tullycraft for free, then I went to see Mark Burgess since he's a fucking legend, but other than that, nah, I didn't do much. I did hang out some at KOOP, where we were playing lots of live bands in the studio, but didn't help or anything. That's all. Mainly my girlfriend & I planned to completely redecorate our backyard. Buffalo grass, anyone?

Oh god! What a boring blog post this is! Let's start again.

During South By South Wets I hung out with [super famous dude] who scored drugs from [someone who works for the Onion], & we were totally [tripping/zoning/rolling/vomiting] until we managed to sneak backstage at [some place that it's hard to sneak into] & caught [the band you wanted to see but couldn't because douchebags from the Chronicle filled the place up] & they were [disappointing/awesome/as fucked up as I was/dead]! Then someone put [whatever I haven't yet taken] into my drink, & I found myself with [Andy Dick] in a hottub in the back of [dull Hollywood type who's moved to Austin in the past few years]'s limo doing [things I'd later regret]. How I got home I'll never know. & dude, that was just WEDNESDAY!

Thursday, Friday & Saturday I spent in intensive care.

Write me an email! I'll answer it here!

Here's a sad little "Song Of The Day" by so-called "anti-folk" musician Jeffrey Lewis from his first record, The Last Time I Did Acid I Went Insane & Other Favorites. It's a sad little ditty about Leonard Cohen, meeting people on the street & trying desperately to stay upbeat in spite of everything. It's called The Chelsea Hotel Oral Sex Song & you can click to hear it. I'll leave it here for two weeks - until April 5 - & then it'll go away.

Tomorrow at 4:30 pm Austin time - yowsa! A show about Michigan!

Whither Michigan?

I mentioned before I've never been to Michigan. I'll mention it again. I'll mention again that I've never been to Michigan. There. I mentioned it again. I'll mention it unknowingly at some point during the next few minutes as well. There's hardly any self-consciousness between me & my travels. Either I've been some place or I haven't. I've never been to the moon, for example, but also I've never been an astronaut. Nor is my name "Buzz." It's Gary. In case you haven't noticed.

Sometime last February, in-between Bush Administration Fuck-Ups, I was sitting at the bus stop, minding my own business, wondering, as I sometimes do, how I got there (it was four in the morning) & who had signed my nipples. Since it was dark, & I was looking down at my nipples, I couldn't read the text (it was upside down), but later I discovered that a professional Ray Davies impersonator signed my nipples at a karaoke bar when I was pretending to be a police detective & would simply walk up to people with a megaphone, flash what looked like a badge but what was really my iPod, & scream "AMBER ALERT!" Strangely enough, the Ray Davies impersonator decided to sign my nipples "Paul Harvey." It was a good night, & I thank whoever it was who told me that cough syrup & permanent markers were a foot in the door of madness. I lost my shoe in that door that night.

Anyway, while I was sitting at the bus stop, trying to read my nipples, I became aware of a man sleeping on the ground behind the bench. He was muttering something to himself in his sleep. Naturally, him being asleep, I didn't expect him to be saying anything that would make sense, & I was right. He would shudder occasionally & his words were at turns inaudible & almost yelled out. I remember a few snatches of his dream babble:

He's got me!... I never loved Annie... What's love got to do, got to do with it?... Five'll get you ten he won't be able to find his underwear tomorrow... Buy refuse, sell trash... What's love but a second-hand emotion?... Indeed, this particular theorum stumped even the Pythogorians!... There's no way to find suspicious files in your mailboxes... Seriously - who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?... Annie! Annie!

I listened to his soliloquy for some time until I realized that the bus doesn't come at 4am. Also, my nipples (I discovered) are allergic to magic markers, so I began to experience some uncomfortable burning sensations in my man-breasts. So I began to raise myself & find my way home, when the sleeping man grabbed my leg. I couldn't make out his face, but he was bellowing at me something I couldn't understand. So I said, "Let me go!" He didn't let me go. I screamed, "I'll call the cops!' Nothing. I tried to get free while pleading to the night, "Please dear lord don't let me die at the hands of a man who dreams in Tina Turner songs!" He seemed to clutch me tighter. A cloud went behind the moon. A streetlight went out & a car down the street burst into flames (although it could have been a lingering cough syrup hallucination). I fell to the ground, skinning my knees & my palms, & I said, "No, no, no! I've never even been to Michigan!"

I didn't know that "Michigan" was the safe word of Annie, the strange old man's S&M partner. He let me go & offered to buy me breakfast. We ate that morning by the dumpsters outside IHOP & became fast friends. I dedicate this week's show - & the inspiration for it - to him.

By the way, that man was none other than GERALD MCRANEY. As if you didn't know.

Quick! A "Song Of The Day"! By Rodd Keith! From the collection Ecstasy To Frenzy! The song my girlfriend wants to dance to at our wedding: Little Rug Bug! Click to listen! Listen until April 4, 2007! Find out more about Song-Poems!

Preface To Michigan: What's So Great About Your Lakes?

I've never been to Michigan. Never even drove through. The closest I've been is Chicago. So why do a show about Michigan? Oh, wait. I'll answer that tomorrow.

Here's some fun facts about Michigan:

* It's the one state in the United States that didn't finish high school, but skipped a grade in elementary school.
* Michigan's name comes from a foreign word meaning something appropriate to the state.
* 1 in 4 people in Michigan have appeared (whether they like it or not) in a Michael Moore film.
* Super stuntman Elvis Knelvis once tried to jump Michigan in a motor boat. He sped west from Lake Huron into Saginaw Bay & tore up a three-mile-long ramp southwesterly, hoping to land in Lake Michigan outside Holland. Instead, his boat capsized & he was eaten by an electric eel.
* The Michigan-Ohio border is heavily fortified, but no one really knows why. Some blame it on Motown.
* No American president has ever come from Michigan. Gerald Ford claimed to be from Michigan, but, as his untimely death revealed earlier this year, he was an imaginary president.
* People from Michigan are called Michiganians, Michiganders, Michigeese, Michiganites, Michigolliwogs, or Jeff.
* Porcupine Mountains State Park is a totally cool place to hook up with your squeeze & to score some killer local weed. Go to the Park Ranger Station & ask for Canada Joe. If possible, bring a trinket. He collects commemorative spoons. He'll totally set you up.
* Michigan has more lighthouses that any other state, except perhaps Utah. Just think about it, it makes sense.
* There is a place called Podunk, Michigan. My brother said I was making it up but I wasn't. I also wasn't making up Timbuktu so stop being a baby & come look at this map. Mom!

Did you want to hear a "Song Of The Day"? Here's one that has almost nothing to do with Michigan, except that it's about a popular pasttime in Dearborn. It's from a compilation called Dirtnap Across The Northwest, which is a rock/indie rock/punk/garage kind of comp. "Dirtnap" is an anagram of "Dr. Paint." I just noticed that. Anyway, the song is by the Exploding Hearts & it's called Sniffin' Glue. Click to sniff. Do it before April 3, 2007. Then it goes away.

Tomorrow: why sniffing glue is an epidemic in Michigan, & how that led an intrepid deejay to focus on it on a special Self Help Radio profile!

Two Times The Monday Wrap-Ups At Four Times The Price

Well, another "Sowf By Sowf Vest" has gone by & what have we learned? That's a rhetorical question. I spent most of the weekend doing yard work.

Since I missed two weeks of wrap-ups, let's go ahead & share two whole weeks of haikus & limericks.

First: my "SXSW" show. Haiku winners, from fourth to first place:

FOURTH PLACE: Joe
Here is the lost man
He can’t find the Austin bar
He’s playing tonight

THIRD PLACE: Gail
You feel unwanted?
Remember: you did not get
An invitation.

SECOND PLACE: Dave
Watch the grand monkey
He’s overstimulated
There’s too much to do!

FIRST PLACE: Stacy
A heart left behind
No lights capture drunken sleep
Bed of my own filth

& a limerick:

It’s said that the best of the best
Come here during South By Southwest
    But once you’ve attended
    & cash you have spended
You’ll see they’re as bad as the rest.

Yippee!

Last week was a tribute to Molly Ivins. Here are the winning haikus:

FOURTH PLACE: Susan
Never met, now gone
Strange an emptiness appears
Missing someone's words

THIRD PLACE: John
Rules are gonna change
If there's no beer in heaven
She'll brew the first batch

SECOND PLACE: Marcos
Like the best ideas
Both familiar & new, she
Made me laugh & think

FIRST PLACE: Rachel
Molly Molly I
Made me laugh & made me cry
Good Molly goodbye

What? Another limerick? Sure:

If life's all about survivin'
Cheatin', backstabbin', connivin',
    How sad that our poor sphere
    Has less to fight with here
Losing dear old Molly Ivins.

& lo & behold: the "Song Of The Day" returns. I was feeling electronical today & was listening to The Black Dog - specifically the record Silenced. I thought you might like to hear some too. This is the first track, called Trojan Horus (Part 1) & you can click on it to hear it. It'll be up for two weeks, until April 2 2007.

This week: I learned how to speak Michiganese to explain to you why my show this week is about Michigan!

What The Hell Happened To The Self Help Radio Blog?

Oh, I'm sorry. I got sick. This week is "South By West South" in Austin & I usually take the week off (but not because I got sick) (that happened this time) (I hope it doesn't become a yearly thing). It's been raining a lot, as well. Not that that keeps me from blogging, since I rarely blog outdoors, but it seemed something I could add for people who like local color.

This blog thing will resume its normal course next Monday. Until then, here are three important things to know:

1) If you want to hear my radio show from last week, where I played songs by bands I like who coincidentally happen to be coming to town for the "music festival" which happens around this time every year in Austin (although, contrary to popular belief, it did not happen in the years 1862-1865, because of the Civil War), you can do that now over at the Self Help Radio home page. Think of it as a way to listen to my radio show even when it's not Friday.

2) Speaking of Friday, this Friday I am paying tribute to a great Texan named Molly Ivins. I never met her, although she spent a lot of time in Austin, but I've been reading her since I was aware there was a funny, brash, smart, dissenting voice out there that didn't sound like anyone else. My show will still be mostly music, but if you're lucky, I may cry.

3) There'll be no "Songs Of The Days" this week. Sorry. Find other blogs that do that. There are lots.

Have fun this week, whether you're in Austin or not. I'll be back next Monday.