I Spend Too Much Time On Tumblr Blogs

It makes it sometimes difficult to write in this blog which has virtually no images at all.

Good News! (Good News?)

In honor of my lovely Bronte cat's birthday (oh, here's a picture of her; she turns five today:)

Happy birthday to her!

In honor of her birthday, I tell you this (potentially) good news: Self Help Radio is expanding from ninety minutes to two hours!  Starting this Monday!

I am not sure if I'll be able to pull it off, but for right now, I'm enjoying the excitement of the good news!

Bronte, on the other hand, is all like, "You call this a present for me?"

What A Joke!

How many episodes of Self Help Radio does it take to play songs & talk about jokes?  One, it turns out.  Oh, wait, did you think that was a riddle?  No no, this is one show about jokes that's positively humorless.

That's not true.  You'll hear a few funny things on the show today, & the playlist is below.  The show is at the Self Help Radio website, where is it saved in two parts: the hilarious part one & the delightfully witty part two.

Just stop me if you think you've heard this one before...

(part one)

"Joke Shop Man" Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band _Cornology_
"You're Joking" Evans The Death _Evans The Death_
"Cracker Jokes" Stephen Fry _Fry's English Delight_

"I Started A Joke" Dirtbombs _If You Don't Already Have A Look_
"Such A Joke" Vivian Girls _Vivian Girls_
"She Doesn't Laugh At My Jokes" Jonathan Richman _Having A Party With Jonathan Richman_
"Punchlines" The Lucksmiths _A Good Kind Of Nervous_
"That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" The Smiths _The World Won't Listen_
"These Jokes" Demetri Martin _These Are Jokes_

"The Joker" Bob Bunny _Las Vegas Grind Vol. 2 (Louie's Limbo Lounge)_
"The Joker (That's What They Call Me)" Billy Myles _Greatest Hits_
"The Joker" Shawn Elliott _The Joker_
"The Jokers" Peter & Gordon _True Love Ways_

(part two)

"Joker In The Pack" The Adicts _Sound Of Music_
"The Joker (feat. Bootsy Collins)" Fatboy Slim _Palookaville_

"911 Is A Joke" Public Enemy _Fear Of A Black Planet_
"I Ain't No Joke" Eric B & Rakim _Paid In Full_
"Joking & Lying" Eugene Mirman _En Garde, Society!_
"Sick Joke" Love Parade _Past Crimes_
"? (It's A Joke, It's Supposed To Be Funny)" Mice Parade _The True Meaning Of Boodleybaye_
"The Joke" The Fall _Cerebral Caustic_

"Joke's On Me" Holiday Flyer _You Make Us Go_
"The Joke" Ed's Redeeming Qualities _Guess Who This Is_
"Joking Apart" Nightingales _Pissed & Potless: Greatest Hits_
"The Finest Joke Is Upon Us" Guided By Voices _Hardcore UFOs: Demons & Painkillers_

Whither Jokes?

I am unfunny.  & unclever.

Tomorrow!  From 7:30 to 9am!  On 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington!  & online at wrfl.fm!  Self Help Radio will:

1) play music about jokes;
2) talk about jokes;
3) tell you how to tell a joke;
4) tell you the funniest jokes in the world - as proved by science.

It should be mildly amusing.

Maybe I should have just done a show full of jokes?

(What's not funny is you might miss the show but you'll be able to listen to it later on the Self Help Radio website.)

Preface To Jokes: How To Tell A Joke

I am not a comedian no matter how funny I think I am.  I certainly amuse myself.  But here's a link from a toastmaster(*) on how to tell a joke.

I have no idea if his advice is any good, though I've noticed that one tip - "Never start off by telling your audience how funny the joke is" - is pretty true, & any preface on how funny the joke is will be in direct proportion to the amount of laughter in the room after the joke is done (assuming everyone isn't drunk or high, which changes a lot of things).  Another sign something someone said isn't funny - when the person laughs after the joke.  They're hoping that their laughter is infectious, & it's a desperate thing an insecure person will always do to alert you that they've just told a joke & if you don't laugh, it'll hurt their feelings.

There's another list here at about.com, the best advice of which is this: "Avoid telling any joke you don't understand."  I wish someone had told me that when I was a child!

Okay, I could use that advice these days, too.

(*) This is what a "toastmaster" is, but the link from the website for Toastmasters International.

A Day Off From Blogging

What? I hear you not really say.  A day off from the Self Help Radio blog?  Don't you only blog five days a week?  Why do you need another day off?  What are you, German?

Technically, though, it's not really a day off, as I am here to write about an imaginary conversation between a "reader" (certainly an imaginary person who check out this blog) & "me" (a person who does a radio show which is so inconsequential it sometimes feels imaginary).  & yet, I want to apologize for the lack of content here, since I do like to write in the blog five days a week.

Wait!  I have news!  Republican candidate What's-His-Name Ken-Doll-Guy has chosen his running mate!  It's someone some people thought it would be, but other people might be surprised about!  How dramatic!  It should make all the weekend news shows!

That was worth it, yes?  Wait.  Did you know there was an election going on?  Really?  Yeah, in the United States, we're voting for a president this year.  Wait, should I have capitalized President?  Anyway, yeah, it's the current guy - Obama - & this guy Mitt Romney.  Yeah, Mitt.  I guess it's short for Mitten?  I don't really know.  Well, he does kind of resemble a Ken Doll, but maybe a Ken Doll in his late fifties, early sixties.  Yeah, ha ha, Barbie would have had lots of plastic surgery by then.  Oh well.  Ha ha.  It's all so funny.

I have no idea what any of this means.

Calling All Dinosaurs

Hey, this may be late notice, but I am subbing WRFL's classic rock show this afternoon.  It's called the Belfry & it's uniformly excellent, so listening to me do it might be a bit of a let-down.  However, if you're around, it's from 4 to 6pm at 88.1 fm on the dial in Lexington & its surroundings, &/or it's online at WRFL's website.

To encourage you, here's a picture of an actual belfry:

The Subway Show!

I adore subways.  I wish I lived someplace where I could take a subway regularly.  I know they're loud & polluted & smelly.  I just like the idea of subways.  Well, commuter trains in general.  So I made a radio show to celebrate them!

You know how it goes: the show is waiting at the Self Help Radio station.  You'll find two lines there: one line goes to the first half of the show; the other line goes to the other half.  Song-destinations are below.

(part one)

"Subway" Sesame Street _Sesame Street: Signs!_
"Talking Subway" John Greenway _Talking Blues_
"On The Subway" The Last Poets _The Last Poets_

"Subway Joe" Joe Bataan with The Fulanos _King Of Latin Soul_
"The Underground Train" Lord Kitchener _London Is The Place For Me: Trinidadian Calypso In London_
"Circle Line" Rodney Allen _Happysad_
"Subway To The Beach" Furniture _Food, Sex & Paranoia_
"Subway Song" The Cure _Three Imaginary Boys_

"Don't Sleep In The Subway" Petula Clark _Music To Watch Girls By_
"Subway Train" New York Dolls _The New York Dolls_
"Down In The Subway" Soft Cell _Down In The Subway_

(part two)

"Subway Cutie" Melody Masters _Hot Harmony Groups 1932-1951 - That's The Rhythm, Vol. 1_
"Subway Blues" Mable Scott _1938-1950_

"Riding On The Subway" Jesse Malin _The Fine Art Of Self-Destruction_
"Man On the Tube" The Passions _Michael & Miranda_
"Down In The Tube Station At Midnight" The Jam _Greatest Hits_
"Waiting For The End Of The World" Elvis Costello _My Aim Is True_
"The Metro" Berlin _The Best Of Berlin 1979-1988_

"Downtown Train" Tom Waits _Rain Dogs_
"MTA" The Kingston Trio _Folk Song America - A 20th Century Revival_
"The Next Station Is: Shibuya" Torpedo Boyz _Cum On Feel The Boyz_

Whither Subways?

How dangerous are subways?  According to this article (which is just about the New York subway system), "most of the deaths that occur in the subway are due to sickness, accident, or suicide."  The site does allow that there is "an occasional murder."

According to this site - which features pictures of subway crashes & other rail accidents, you have been warned - the Daegu subway in South Korea is "the world's most dangerous subway."  Here is an image of an arson in 2003 when some 150 people died:

More information at the site linked above.

I am getting this out of the way because tomorrow morning on Self Help Radio we celebrate subways (although there are some songs about scary subway experiences - but I won't be focusing on that!).  Please listen - it's from 7:30 to 9:00 am on 88.1 fm in Lexington & online at wrfl dot fm.  Archived later underground at the Self Help Radio website.  Trains run on time!  Don't miss it!

Preface To Subways: The First Time I Ever Rode In A Subway

I grew up in a suburb of Dallas, Texas, which didn't have much of a mass transit system during my childhood.  It probably had a trolley system early in the twentieth century, but (I just discovered reading this article) it had only something called the Dallas Transit System until the creation of DART (Dallas Area Rapid Transit) in the early 80s.  I was in high school when the yellow DART buses appeared around town, but it was widely scorned among my family & friends, with stories of empty buses parked outside of routes for the drivers to nap.  (There was probably also some racism & class insecurity involved - as minorities too the bus - a sign perhaps that you were poor to afford your own means of transportation.)  I had no previous experience in riding buses - my mother did not even want us to ride the school bus - & DART made it hard to do, since their bus stop signs did not (until the 1990s) tell you which bus stopped there.

I was very surprised to find out a girl I was sweet on took the bus to her after-school job.  I asked her how she knew which bus to take, & she produced pamphlets.  I remember asking, "How did you get those?"  At the supermarket, it turned out.  Who know?  Besides her, I mean.

I had of course read about subways, & seen them in movies, but not being terribly well-travelled & especially not ever visiting the American north-east, there would be no chance to ride a real subway until after college.

When was my first subway experience?  Technically, I rode a train that went underground in May of 1992 when I was in Germany, but it wasn't a proper subway.  The first real subway I rode was later that summer in Mexico City.  It was especially charmed by the color coding - it made everything so easy!

I have loved subways ever since & would require every medium-to-large-sized city build one if I were in charge.

Interestingly, I didn't ride in the New York subway until 2004.  So my first experience with subways - & trains as mass transit - happened in two countries outside my own.  & my first American subway experience happened eight years after that.

I was going to say something about Boomslang...

You know, Boomslang, the annual music festival WRFL puts on in September.  This year's headliners are the Jesus & Mary Chain.

You heard me!

I saw them almost exactly twenty-five years ago in Austin, Texas.  November 1987.  It was amazing.  I can't imagine it will be any different.

Do you think they'll remember me?

Summer Music Deals

Says an email I just got.  What sort of deals are they?  Do they mean more money for people who don't have a lot?  Because it seems most indie bands don't make much money at all.

One way they might make money is through "performing rights organizations" like BMI.  I don't pretend to understand how BMI works (this article isn't entirely helpful) but at WRFL recently I volunteered to tally playlists for three days to report to BMI.  The understanding is that this "random sampling" would enable the company to fairly distribute royalties.

Except RFL isn't a playlisted radio station (that would've made my job easier).  Each deejay picks more or less what he or she wants to play (there are requirements to play new material but the deejay can pick from hundreds of new releases) so even if we might play one particular band or artist, we might not have played them on those three days.  (That does explain how crappy bands like the Eagles keep making money from radio, though - on commercial "classic rock" stations, they're played two dozen times a day - & that's just "Hotel California.")

More interesting to me is that some of the deejays at RFL chose to play bands during that period who didn't need any of the money we pay in fees to BMI.  Among the folks to whom we sent money were commercial rap superstars like Kanye West & T-Pain, filthy rich rock & roll dinosaurs like Fleetwood Mac & Pink Floyd, any group Jack White's been involved with, & (even though I appreciate them, I would have avoided playing them during this time) great but super rich artists like Bowie & Ray Davies.

I used to say, back in my KVRX days, that every time someone plays a band or a record that they can hear virtually anywhere else, it takes time from a band or performer that no one's ever heard - which, let's be honest, has a fifty-fifty chance of being better than the commercial radio mainstay.

To be fair, I am not entirely sure the deejays at RFL understood what BMI was or what it meant to them personally, but the fact that they play the stuff they were playing regardless might make me a little worried about non-commercial radio...

Except the vast majority of what was played was by great, deserving, mostly unknown artists.  It's nice to know that some BMI money - if they have accounts - is going to them.  So I can grumble about some of my colleagues playing commercial radio crap - knowing full well more than most of them don't.  & won't.

No More Tears!

Don't cry!  I've finally gotten around to putting this week's show, which is about weeping, on the Self Help Radio website.  It's not anything to be upset about.  So no more tears, soldier - let the show weep for you.

The show is at selfhelpradio.net but it's in two parts so if you would like to listen to a specific part (& what songs I played during each part are listed below) you can do so by either clicking part one or part two, depending on which one you want to listen to.

Dry your eyes & listen!

(part one)

"Weeping Blues" Rosco Gordon _The Complete Sun Singles, Vol. 1_
"Weepin' & Cryin'" The Griffin Brothers' Orchestra _Blowing The Fuse_
"Now I Lay Me Down To Weep" Skeeter Davis _Let Me Get Close To You_

"The Weeping Song" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _The Good Son_
"Weeping Eyes" Justin Hinds & The Dominoes _Travel With Love_
"Weep, Weep, Weep" The Parrotts (with the Red Saunders Orchestra) _Sun Ra: The Eternal Myth Revealed_
"Willie The Weeper" Dave Van Ronk _The Folkway Years 1959-61_
"Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers" Elvis Presley _Elvis For Everyone!_

"While My Guitar Gently Weeps" The Beatles _Anthology 3_
"Weeping Mary" Alabama Sacred Harp Singers _Southern Journey, Vol. 9: Harp Of A Thousand Strings_
"Weeping Wine" Lloyd Cole _Don't Get Weird On Me, Babe_

(part two)

"I'll Weep No More" Betty Everett _Birth Of Soul: Special Chicago Edition_
"Weeping Willow Blues" Odetta _Odetta & The Blues_
"Weep Day" They Might Be Giants _Then: The Earlier Years_

"Willow Weep For Me" June Christy (with Stan Kenton & His Orchestra) _Tampico_
"Weep & Mourn" Israel Vibration _The Same Song_
"This Man, He Weeps Tonight" The Kinks _Arthur_
"Now I Lay Me Down To Weep" Simone Dina _Cool '60s Girls - Felines Of Northern Soul_
"Losers Weepers (Part One)" Etta James _Heart & Soul: A Retrospective_

"Weep No More My Baby" Brenda Lee _Rocks_
"Baby Don't You Weep" Garnet Mimms _Cry Baby/Warm & Soulful_
"Weepy Doesn't Know" Utah Phillips _The Telling Takes Me Home_
"Weeping Like A Willow" Paul Chandler _Teenage Time, Vol. 10_
"Weeping Wall" David Bowie _Low_

So This Is Really The 1400th Post

As I explained in this post, I have been miscalculating my number of posts.  This is really the 1400th post on this blog.  I'm going to have to go through & figure out how wrong I've been for my last few hundred posts.  Sigh.

It's not really worth celebrating.  So I won't.  Oh, & I'll put today's show up tomorrow.  The day just escaped my grasp.  Forgive me.  I might weep.

Whither Weeping?

It just seemed more important than plain old crying.

Don't weep!  You can listen to Self Help Radio's show about weeping tomorrow - if you're in Lexington, it's on 88.1 on your FM dial.  If you're not in Lexington - or if your FM dial is a computer - you can listen online at the WRFL web page.

If you're not awake - if you procrastinate - if you're afraid of live radio - I'll archive the show tomorrow (or maybe Tuesday - it depends) at the Self Help Radio website.

Also, I'll be on the radio from 10 am to noon, too.  In case you still want to hear my stupid voice after Democracy Now!.

Preface To Weeping: What Is The Difference Between Weeping & Crying?

There does appear to be a difference.  According to these people over at English forums, "Weeping accompanies grief, loss, & intense sadness, whereas crying can result from a wider range of emotional states - rage or frustration, for example."

A good example on the page is the use of the word "weeping" when describing an upset child.  You say, "The child is crying" not "The child is weeping" - that verb makes no sense when it's not something related to actual sorrow.

Is there a continuum of crying?  Is it sobbing, crying, weeping?  What about blubbering, whining, bewailing, keening, whimpering, sniveling?  Perhaps this week's Self Help Radio will attempt to create a flowchart!

Oh nos!

Well, don't I feel a little like an idiot.  Let me tell you, as often as that happens, it never feels great.  Ever.

Do you remember a few days back when I went on & on about my 1400th post?  No?  Well, anyway, funny story.  I was relying upon the numbers in Blogger, which say things like, "1397 posts, last published [date], etc."  It told me that I had 1400 posts.  It did!  I swear.

Then I noticed something yesterday - for whatever reason, I had seven "drafts" on the posts page.  Looking at them, they weren't what you'd call drafts - most were from before 2009, & most looked like blog entries that I just titled & didn't write anything in - you know, I thought I had something to say but then thought better of it.

Well! said I.  I shall delete these weird drafts as they make absolutely no sense!

But.  Then.  Oh no!  My total blog count went down by seven.  The stupid blog was counting the drafts as well as the published blog posts!  Therefore - the 1400th post hasn't happened yet.  What a fool!  What a maroon!  What an idiot!

I should've known there was a reason my count was always off.  Well, another reason besides the obvious one: "user error."

The good news is, there'll be a 1400th post soon!  For you to ignore!  Again!

Books I'll Never Write, Part I

Once upon a time, I wanted to be a writer.  I know, I can feel you shaking your head in embarrassment for me.  I was unusually smart & wised up & realized I wasn't a very good writer, but it's something that's still in me, not the desire so much, but the thinking about stories & ideas for novels & all that.  (I also wrote poetry but, really, the less said about that the better.)

I didn't write terribly autobiographical stuff - I was barely in my 20's, I had very little life to write about.  But when I think about writing these days, it is autobiographical, since I have a few decades of life behind me & probably less before me.

One book I was thinking about writing these past couple of weeks is about my father.  I know virtually nothing about him - he & my mother were divorced when I was four, & he was an alcoholic who appeared intermittently throughout my childhood.  By the time he kicked the booze, I was in high school, & he showed no interest in getting to know me, & I guess I was too self-involved to care.  He died I believe in my last year of college.  I wasn't sad at his funeral, unlike my sisters, who were devastated.

The book would be called something like "All The Times I Saw My Father," & I would just tell the stories of my (strangely few) memories of him.

But I don't think I'll write such a book, for a couple of reasons.  One is, of course, that I'm not a good writer.  But the other is that it would be a lot of hard work.  A lot of digging through memories that I might not have any more - not to mention trying to contextualize those memories.  I don't think I have the persistence & wherewithal to pull something like that off.

I can think about it, though.  & write about thinking about it.

Don't Be Afraid!

I'm afraid I'm late posting this.  I should've done it yesterday, but I was gripped by an illogical & incomprehensible terror - in a sense, I saw the eternal Footman hold my coat, & snicker - in short, I was afraid.  Weird, right?  To be afraid to post a show about being afraid?  What could go wrong?

Nothing went wrong, despite a shabby show made more tiresome by my own tiredness.  Still, I have put the show over on the Self Help Radio website.  Hey!  If you are afraid of strange websites & don't want to try to find it amongst my myriad shows, you can download the first part here & you can download the second part here.  & so you're not afraid of what might be on the show, what I played is below.

Being afraid is silly!  Enjoy the show!

(part one)

"Who's Afraid" How Do I Learn? _How Do I Learn?_
"So Afraid" Flare _Metamophosis_

"Afraid Of Everyone" The National _High Violet_
"I Am Afraid" A House _The Way We Were: The Best Of A House 04.85-02.97_
"Too Afraid" Thee Headcoats _In Tweed We Trust_
"I'm So Afraid Of You" Damien Youth _Alchemy_
"Afraid To Dream" Louis Prima _Louis Prima (1937 - 1939)_

"I Am Not Afraid" They Came From The Stars (I Saw Them) _Lo & Behold!_
"Don't Be Afraid, You Have Just Got Your Eyes Closed" Múm _Finally We Are No One_

(part two)

"Are You Afraid To Die?" The Louvin Brothers _Satan Is Real_
"I Was Afraid Of That, Pt. 2" Blind Blake _All The Published Sides_

"Been Afraid" P.O.S. _Never Better_
"I'm Afraid Of Americans" David Bowie _Bowie At The Beeb_
"Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Wolf" Ben Bernie & His Orchestra _Brother, Can You Spare A Dime? Great American Songs Of The Depression_
"Who's Afraid Of Thunder" Dorothy Collins _Experiment Songs_
"Be Afraid Of Your Parents" The Indelicates _Songs For Swinging Lovers_

"Girl Afraid" The Smiths _Hatful Of Hollow_
"Don't Be Afraid" The Smoking Popes _Get Fired_
"Not Afraid" Small Factory _Suggestions 7"_
"My Baby Is Afraid Of Sharks" Herman Düne _Next Year In Zion_

Whither Afraid?

I'm sorry, this blog is not available at this time.  This blog is on its way back from Nashville, Tennessee.  This blog may well be listening to songs about being afraid in a desperate attempt to have the radio show ready by tomorrow morning, a show for which this blog has done very little work.

It may be a mess, but this blog recommends you listen to the potential train wreck that will be this week's Self Help Radio tomorrow morning at 8am on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington.  On the web page, linked previously, there is a stream you can listen to anywhere there's an internet.  Also, the show will be archived shortly thereafter on the Self Help Radio website.

Unless something happens on the Bluegrass Highway.  Oh no!