A Friday Gambol

Did you know that there's a radio show show on in Austin on Fridays called (believe it or not) Self Help Radio & it's hosted by a man who's not only not a zombie nor a robot, but who also is the main chronicler of the war on sailing? It's true. It's on Fridays at 4:30pm. You can listen online if you are not from these parts (remember, you may have to translate from Texas time) live at koop.org. You are welcome to come. But the fruit cups are for the celebrity guests.

Today's show will be some sounds from bands that are coming to Austin next week for a little-known musical festival called "Over By Over-Rated." If you happen to be coming to town, please come visit KOOP. If you happen to be coming to town & you're going to visit KOOP, & it's a Friday afternoon, come visit me. I'll put you on the air & we'll cry about our lost youth.

Before I disappear for the week, here's a "Song Of The Day". It sounds a lot like the sort of music you'd hear on a show I really like on KOOP called Cinemaphonics. It's by the Herbaliser from their record called Take London. (Take it where?) It's called Song For Mary & once you click on it, you can add, "& it goes like this..." It will stay there till oh let's say March 23, 2007.

I'll be seeing you on the radio today! I mean. What?

Jesus Answered Letters On Thursdays

It's true, look at II Carpathians 3:14 to 5:13 (inclusive).

Today's letter doesn't really make a lot of sense unless you're really drunk on cough syrup & then try to revive yourself by doing twelve espresso shots in a row. So do that, then read this:

GARY!
yoou wanted me to write ---- i saw ON your blog --! tell me all about yourself --!-- i dont live in AUSTIN so your station is a ??mystery??-!--- do you PLAY music or is your shoow FOR peoople?-?---!-- is THIS the sort of questioon you like US to ask you?-----becayse I can't think oof ANYTHING MORE!---
--from C in COLORADO---

The writer's name is not a single letter. I just abbreviated it because I didn't know how many people in Colorado had a name that started with the letter C. That way you can only guess who it is. You'll never be sure.

Unless you know someone who uses that many dashes in their email. That's intriguing. I must start doing that. I'll probably start doing that. I swipe weird written habits sometimes without thinking about it. Just because it looks neat. Although I'll need to study this writer's ways a little more first. I'd hate to do it wrong.

To respond to the email:

I can't tell you all about myself in this short space, but I can recommend you try to find my OTHER blog (& no, not the one on my embarrassing myspace page), which is much more confessional & contains my unfinished philosophical treatise, I'm Really Sorry, Can I Try Again?. (Now that I think about it, the title of that is ironical. Who knew?) I keep that blog a secret, primarily because of the popularity of a blog I am about to start, one that chronicles the war on sailing. That blog, for better or worse, will make me a household name.

My show is a musical show, but it's also for people. I regularly lament the fact that a lot of radio shows these days are not for people. The number of radio shows for zombies & robots has increased exponentially, & indeed, my own radio station has at least two shows for zombies. (Robots occasionally stop by, especially when they hear the word "programmer," but so far only a couple of KOOP shows have courted robot listeners. This is because robots have a lot of money. Zombies hardly ever have any money, & when they do, they eat it.)

& by the way - just because zombies used to be people doesn't mean they are now. So they can enjoy their "morning zoo crew" all they want, but no people listen to that - & if they do, it'll turn them into zombies.

Finally, those questions are the sorts of questions I like to be asked, yes. Luckily for you, I am capable of answering those sorts of questions with completely different responses every time they are asked. So please, write again. At some point, one of my answers will satisfy you.

& now, a "Song Of The Day". I was listening (as I do) to T Rex, specifically this probably redundant collection I got called T Rex Rocks! & figured I'd share. This appears to be the only "alternate version" on the collection, so maybe it's new to you. It's Rock On, & you can listen to it by clicking the song's name. You may continue rocking until March 22, when I will remove the mp3. Whether you continue to rock after that is up to you.

Tomorrow's show is all about bands I like who are coming to town for an obscure music festival we have every March. Tune in tomorrow at 4:30 pm!

Whither SXSW 2007?

Welcome to the 100th post of my Self Help Radio blog! It's such a special occasion I've made this entire entry out of cheese.

This week's show is my recommendations for bands that are playing "South By Southwest." I am playing bands I like. If you choose to go to see them, fine. Just don't mention me. Bands don't like that I like them. I'm not "cool" enough for them. My "ego" is not "strong" enough to take their "abuse." So let's let the fact that I like them & they'll be in town just be our little secret.

In fact, I won't really be involved in the music side of "South By Southwest" at all. I'll instead be involved in the custodial side. You guessed it - I was able to pay the outrageous ten dollar fee to get an official "South By Southwest" dustpan & broom. It's sad, they strap them to your wrist & you can't take them off until after the festival. I'm so excited by this - every morning around five am I get to go out & clean up after partyers & bands!

"South By Southwest Custodial" is a big step forward for me, & I like the way they sell it. Did you see the bullet points on the brochure? Here are highlights:

* Clean up after the famous & not-very-famous alike!
* Get lots of exercise in a stale-beer-smelling environment!
* Find out secrets of the famous & not-so-famous - like whether they can hold their liquor & what they had for dinner - by hosing vomit off of bar floors!
* All guitar picks, jewelry, money & drugs you find you get to keep! Teeth & limbs must be returned to their owners.

So you & I may not cross paths during the festival, but every time you spill a beer - every time you crush a cigarette under your shoe - every time you take a leak backstage - think of me.

Hey! Here's a "Song Of The Day". It's by DJ Yoda, a turntablist whose work I enjoy & from whose mix tapes I've stolen samples, from his record last year called The Amazing Adventures Of DJ Yoda, which was good but not great. Here's a track, featuring the Jungle Brothers. It's called Playin' Around & you should click on it & celebrate this blog's 100th post. It'll remain here till March 21, 2007, at which point I'll have finished this blog's 200th post. (Wait. What?)

Hooray! 100 posts! Someone get me a cheese shredder & we can eat!

Preface To SXSW2007: Where's The Line Start?

I confess that, though I have lived in Austin for seven hundred years (this September), I have only taken part in "South By South West" a couple of times. I kind of wish I had been a part of it back when it was surely more personal & fun - when a wristband went for a few bucks & when a local band really could count on it as a chance to showcase their skills. Now it feels like a Hollywood awards show - pre-scripted, down to the winners. Of which, heavy sigh, I am not one. Or else I'd doubtless feel differently.

But I play my part. I play songs from bands I like on my show. I make it to day shows (since I can't afford the pound of flesh it takes to get a wristband, &, even if I could, I never pay any attention to the deadlines for purchasing such things) if there's something I want to see, & I feel a little envious when people flaunt their gift bags, their amazing stories ("& then, from out of nowhere, BOB DYLAN stepped onstage & took a shit on the audience!") & the general starfucking that some of my friends like to engage in, for whatever reason (true admiration, ambition, a weird desire to fuck the almost famous).

My envy isn't really, "Gosh I wish I had been there to do that!" It's more, "Gosh I wish I had the energy & desire, the drive, the actual wherewithal, to go out & do shit like that." I'm not made like that - perhaps I never was. & having gone through the snail pantomime that is Customs at Gatwick, I have no desire to wait in any long lines for the time being. Also, I don't smoke anymore - what the hell do you do in a line when you can't smoke?

If you're coming to town for "South By South West," I hope you have fun. Just remember to listen to me on the radio. You don't need a wristband & I always delight. When I am not irritating. Or pouting.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is a sweet shy boy song from The Legendary Jim Ruiz Group that I found on a collection put out by Chickfactor & released a few years ago called All's Fair In Love & Chickfactor. The song is called Ariel, & you can click its name to hear the song. The mp3 will stay right here until March 20, 2007, at which point it'll disappear.

Tomorrow: my one hundredth post here. There will be blood.

This Monday Haiku Wrap Up Is Full Of Feist

I hid all last week & no one found me. That makes you "It." Ha!

Here are the winners of the hiding haiku contest - I hope their prizes find them. If you want to write a haiku to be read on the air, just be aware that the theme this week is South By Southwest. Write away! We list the winners from fourth place to first:
FOURTH PLACE: Rick

I was underground
But not hidden, just searching
Looking for my roots

THIRD PLACE: Tanya

Is it called hiding
When I spend time all alone
With guilty pleasures?

SECOND PLACE: Stewart

The sky masked with clouds
Concealing terrible night
Hiding the new moon

FIRST PLACE: Patricia

Watch love stowaway
In the great cruise of your life
Then fall overboard

Did we have a limerick? We did!

In the old Scottish River called Clyde
There beasties are said to be spied
No matter your wishes
‘Tis certain they’re vicious
Your hide it is best that ye hide.

Thanks all! You don't need to hide any more!

Two things:

1) Last Friday's show about hiding has been digitized & can be listened to if you missed. Just go to this page & consume it all up.

2) Today's "Song Of The Day" is from the Smithsonian set American Musical Theater: Shows, Songs & Stars, Vol. 2 & is a song from Lady In The Dark, from the original run & sung by the wonderful Gertrude Lawrence. It's the darkly comic song
Jenny, & clicking on it will show you that you need to learn the song's lesson about making up your mind. I'll leave it here for two weeks, until March 19, 2007.

Tomorrow: there's a music festival coming to Austin. Why do I care?

A Friday Frolic

Nothing much to note... I have to do a show today... It's about hiding...

Are you excited about South By Southwest? I'm doing a show about it next week, & looking over the bands, there aren't many bands I'm too crazy about seeing. I'm be interested in hearing what everyone wants to see. It seems to me that it's not that great a line-up this year.

I came here to contine the "Song Of The Day", where I have shared with you the first five of the my world-famous Indiepop A To Z collection. I'll continue in a couple of months when I have another Indiepop A To Z show. But today is an band called Accrington Stanley (apparently named after an English Football Club) who were featured on the third volume of the essential Sound Of Leamington Spa collections. It's called The New Me & it will turn you into a new man, especially if you're a woman. Click on the song to make it go. It'll be available till the week of March 19, 2007, when I will take it down & make it feel bad for being so downloadable.

Listen at 4:30 today! There are giveaways & stuff. I will personally hide all during the show!

A Letter. An Answer. A Thursday.

Is it really Thursday? I feel like I am deserved at least two more nights' sleep. Oh! But I get paid today. Ah yeah.

This strange email came to me earlier this week:

Hello Mr Gary
I need to know your full name for a project I am working on. Not your middle name if you don't have one but your full name. You don't say your full name on the air like other ko-op dj's do. Thank you.

A project you are working on? Is that what they call identity theft these days? (I have written this person back about this "project," but so far she has not responded. If I find out - & before it ends up on the Sci-Fi Channel - I'll be sure to let you know what it was.)

I guess the worst thing about identity theft would be if a person stealing my identity could do a better job with it than I do.

I also wonder why people call me "Mr. Gary"? I know, it beats being called "dude," but it's strange - people at the station call me that, as does one of my cats. Do I seem like a "Mr Gary"? Not a "Dr Gary"? Or a "Professor Gary"? Hmmph!

I don't suppose it's any secret - the name is all over the KOOP website, since I maintain their mailing lists & am on the Programming Committee - but my name is Gary Dickerson. I guess I don't use my full name on the air since there aren't any other Garys at KOOP. Nor shall I allow there to be.

My middle name died a miserable death just out of high school. It kind of suffocated when I forgot all about it. I've tried to add new middle names, but, alas, no name can apparently live between my first & last names. Sad.

Tune in tomorrow! A show about hiding! You can listen in seclusion! No one will ever know!

Ah, the "Song Of The Day". More Indiepop A To Z. This would be the fourth song as the list goes. It's by the Swedish folk pop band Able from their record Prestigeless Lovesounds. It's called I Was So In Love (& Now I Don't Know Why), & it's by far the poppiest thing I've heard by them. Click on the name to listen. & listen before the week of March 19, 2007 - I'll leave it up till then.

Listen tomorrow or I'll find where you hide!

Whither Hiding?

I remember the day I got a copy (which cost me three dollars in nickels & four hundred saved wrappers of beef jerky - & believe me, my entire bedroom smelled like an abattoir by the time I saved up four hundred of those plastic casings) of the Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek. My friends had been debating those rules for some time, including what true & eternal rights are granted when one is "it" as well as the boundaries of where it was proper to "hide." Though we didn't have the "internet" then, we certainly knew how to make shit up, so all summer long we argued & cajoled &, even though some of us had by that time discovered masturbation, we spent long afternoons debating the rules of what we truly thought was the ultimate in childhood games.

The Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek was first published in London in 1745 by a distant ancestor of the actor Martin Sheen. Strangely enough, the writer was also a distant ancestor of George Gobel, but there is no evidence that Martin Sheen & George Gobel are related. Suffice it to say it was very difficult being British in 1745. (1746, however, was apparently a very good year for being British.) The writer's name was Edmund "Fancy Pants" Mathersbykite. A shy & reserved son of a diseased earl, Mathersbykite was tortured by his older siblings with their capriciousness as regards childhood games. Indeed, Mathersbykite's oldest sibling, Clive, is credited with being not only the creator of dodgeball, but also the first person to be hanged for killing someone in a dodgeball game. Young Edmund grew up furious with the way his brothers & his sister seemed incapable of consistency in any single game. If Edmund had not been blessed with obsessive/compulsive disorder (in those days known as "being prissy"), he might not have been able to bring any sort of sense to childhood games.

Two earlier treatises, "The Importance Of Falling Down When You've Been Shot" & "No Take Backs," were written while he was locked in a closet during a game of hide & seek that was a pretext for cruelty. They were self-published when Edmund was seventeen, but were lost when his sister said she wanted to read every copy to tell him what she thought but instead used them for toilet paper for the family manor in Wales. Perhaps because sadism he was subjected to when the game of hide & seek was played, Edmund turned his attention to that subject. He would spend nearly the rest of his life defining the game. Which sounds impressive, except he was killed when he was twenty-two by his younger brother Canute when their kite strings got tangled & Canute angrily wrapped Edmund in the strings. A gust of wind & some nearby cliffs spelled the end for the great rules maker about whom Hoyle once said, "Edmund who?"

As a child, I found The Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek to be a strangely long book (seventeen hundred pages) & suprisingly free of pictures. It was also filled with footnotes in Greek. In addition, Mathersbykite's tendency to write in iambic pentameter was a little off-putting, especially, as my friend Gus noted, "It don't rhyme." Nonetheless, I began the read the book &, after only a few pages, realized it was utterly worthless. My friends & I, totally bummed about having to return to school after wasting a summer worrying about the rules to a dumb game, beat each other up & went swimming.

I wouldn't have as much fun again until I became an adult & became embroiled in the war on sailing. But that's another story for a different time.

I hope you understand now why the theme of Self Help Radio this week is "hiding."

The "Song Of The Day": more Indiepop A To Z. Song # 3. By the Scottish indiepop group Aberfeldy. From their debut record Young Forever. It's called Vegetarian Restaurant & it's sweet & pretty. I'll remove it on or around March 14, 2007 - but probably later, since it'll be South By Southwest at the time & I probably won't be blogging much.

Preface To Hiding: How Not To Be Seen

Dude! It's my first embedded movie!



If that doesn't work, the video is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do6hTwZ6Un8.

I can't say more than the masters.

The "Song Of The Day" continues the very first Indiepop A To Z tracks I played. Number two is/was a song by the California indiepop group Aberdeen, who found their way to the legendary Sarah Records & then reemerged later in the 21st century to make more lovely music. This is an older track taken from the Sarah compilation Battery Point & it's called Fran. Click on the name to hear the song. It'll be here till March 13, 2007.

Tomorrow: why a show about hiding? What have I got to hide?

The Monday Haiku Wrap-Up Is Full Of Rue

It's true. I have become a myspace sellout. Please stay away from the Self Help Radio Myspace Page. Although you can hear my rad new radio show intro there.

Here are the winning haikus from last week's free for all. Not a one wrote a haiku about indiepop. That saddens me. This week's theme is "hiding." Don't Hide! Write a haiku instead!

FOURTH PLACE: Anthony

It is almost spring
Like a dark room where you wait
To yell out “surprise!”

THIRD PLACE: Barbara

Gary quit smoking
Just a few days after me
We miss it the same

SECOND PLACE: Andrew

I forget to touch
& leave crumpled in trashcans
Broken sidewalk dreams

FIRST PLACE: Maria

There are nine levels
Seventeen doors on each one
& no one has keys.

& the mystery limericksmith wrote this limerick for the show:

There once was a tomcat named Spike
Who’d sing from my fence every night
My friends would often say:
“You should shoo him away”
But he only sang songs that I liked!

Since the show last week was about Indiepop A To Z, & since it was seventh in an ongoing series, & since you probably weren't here when it started, I thought the "Songs Of The Day" this week would be the first five songs from the "Indiepop A To Z" collection. The first one is from Aarktica, from the album ...Or You Could Just Go Through Your Whole Life & Be Happy Anyway. It's the haunting Aura Lee. Click on it to listen. I'll leave it there until around March 12, 2007.

Tomorrow: I may hide, but I may also have hied.

A Friday Jaunt

Hey! Today the Indiepop list continues... I believe it's Indiepop A To Z # 7. Have I been writing it all wrong this week? What a weirdo. I'll start with the Boy Least Likely To... When will it end? Tune in to find out! That's 4:30 today. Be there or send me a card explaining why you couldn't make it & a little money for the tissues I had to buy when I missed you.

Did you notice there are more shows digitized? Did you miss them when they were first on? Or do you feel that, like episodes of Lost, you can listen to them again & again & find new clues to the mystery of me? Okay, that would be freaky. Flattering, but scary. Anyway, the two shows that I digitized for you are last week's show about Gin & the first show I did when I got back from Europe that I called the Brand New Show. Go listen to them if you know what's good for you. You heard me.

For the "Song Of The Day" today, here's a deejay mix/sampling piece of the kind I love so well by Innerstance.Beatbox (I believe the period between the name is required) from his record All Little Boys Do Silly Little Dances (they do!) called What Time Is It? (click the name to hear it). & no, I don't only like it because it samples Monty Python. I'll leave it up until March 9, 2007.

Listen today! I have made enough cookies for everyone!

If There Are Letters To Be Answered, By Gum I'll Answer Them

But there aren't. Am I no longer a mystery to you? Why don't you write me some email? I will respond in public like a minor celebrity!

Even better, why don't you take this survey about programming on KOOP? Make sure you say Self Help Radio is your favorite show. But otherwise, be honest about what you think - & you could win neat stuff too!

Today's "Song Of The Day" is heavily influenced by My Bloody Valentine & the band came into existence during their heyday, but the Swirlies have charms all their own. This song is a noisy pop gem from their record Blonder Tongue Audio Baton & is the wonderful song Pancake in honor of the lunch I had today. Mmmm. It's a delicious song, but its shelflife is two weeks - it won't be here after March 8, 2007.

Back to my indiepop list... I've removed British Sea Power - too late-period indie/postpunk - but I may add the truly postpunk stylings of Brian Brian... Let me listen to that again...

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 6?

This is a true story. I went to Germany in 1992 & for some reason I only took four or five mix tapes with me. As if, somehow, five times ninety minutes would last during the plane ride. I was a dork. The batteries in my Walkman lasted longer than those tapes. Anyway, I got very familiar with them & even today, if I happen to hear a song from those tapes, I will expect to hear the next song to play - even if I am listening to the original album the song is on. Those songs remind me of getting lost in Frankfurt, trying to ask for directions, staring at buildings that seemed to me older than time.

The point of this is that, on those five tapes, several songs recurred. I had made the tapes over the course of a couple of years & I always favored particular songs. It was annoying to hear them over & over in Germany, especially since they seemed out of place on every tape.

When I got back, I was like, Fuck this. I need a random song generator to make tapes for me. Since I didn't know how to build a random song generator, I simply began to look at my albums, cassettes & CDs & put the tracks in a long computer file & then, when that was completed (it took a while), I started at the a's & began to make mix tapes. I did this for several years & still have the tapes somewhere. I think I got to the m's. Most of those tapes are really fun to listen to, but since they're on cassettes, a format that's going to die sooner than later, they'll probably never be used again. I stopped making the tapes probably just a couple years after I started - but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

So, too, the idea, when I started on Self Help Radio back when it was an hour, of occasionally dipping into the OCD side of me (with help from the bands list at twee.net) to attempt the impossible - to play as many indiepop songs from a to z as I could in my lifetime. So, according to this playlist here, I did three shows on Self Help Radio in 2003. For some reason, it didn't feel right, & when I was talking to Jennifer of Ear Candy, we sort of agreed it would fit better on Ear Candy. So, around 2004 or so, when I subbed Ear Candy, or when Jennifer didn't have anything else to do, we started. You can hear five of those shows linked on my archive page. As I said yesterday, I don't know why I never archived the first show. It may not have been recorded.

Jennifer seemed exasperated at continuing (you can hear her as we muddle through the b's) so I figured I'd let it die quietly. But then, a couple of months ago, I was like, No. It's a fun idea, it's just weird enough to work toward, & indiepop sounds really good when you play a bunch of it together. Playing indiepop, indie-influenced stuff, & the influences themselves sound cool. & I confess I like how a list can sound as good as it does.

Just please don't ask me to do the same thing with garage rock or electronica. My head would explode. But do expect me to continue with this throughout 2007. Let's see how far we go.

Over on that same archive page, you can see I've digitized a couple of shows from January. Interested in Owls? What about what I liked from 1971? Well, if you missed the shows, they are there for your consumption. Have fun!

What? You expect a "Song Of The Day"? How about this retro-sounding gem from the Radio Dept.? I like this song a little too much. It's called The Worst Taste In Music & clicking on the name will let you hear it. It's from their record of last year called Pet Grief, which should have made my best of but I must've forgotten about it. I won't forget to remove the mp3 two weeks from today, on March 7, so get it now!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 6: What Happened To The First Five?

What is this thing called "indiepop"? Is it more "indie" than "pop"? Is it something, like "God," which is defined by the likes & dislikes of the believer?

You can read this article called "Twee As Fuck" on Pitchfork if you want to read someone's definition of indiepop, as well as a lot of names dropped to give you context. Since I'm not going to try to define "indiepop" here, I also probably won't drop many names. In fact, I'll just completely cop out & repeat Justice Potter Stewart's remark about pornography but in an indiepop context: I know it when I hear it.

But I also hear a lot more than a single genre when I listen to music. I hear musical influences - like, "Say, does the Blondie song 'Denis' sound like a Buddy Holly song?" or "Doesn't that Elvis Costello song sound like a slowed-down version of the Stones' 'The Last Time'?" - & I also pay attention to the subject matter. I'm a sucker (as everyone knows) for songs about relationships starting & relationships falling apart. I like clever wordplay. I like songs that are fast & jangly. It turns out these three things describe a lot of indiepop, so I gravitated at some point toward indiepop.

Friends often tell me the one thing they don't like about indiepop is that it sounds happy while the lyrics are sad & sappy. I totally dig that. How great to dance to something that's completely broken-hearted! What, you've never danced to "Love Will Tear Us Apart"? & no, that's not indiepop. That's postpunk. Do you need a checklist?

Although, having said that, a lot of indiepop is more affected than natural, which should disqualify it I suppose - "It's not real!" - but the sound - the sound of indiepop - much like a lot of retro music or electronica - even if it doesn't have the soul or feeling behind it - the sound is enjoyable enough. Some of the singers may annoy, some my cloy, some may be talentless & have strange speech impediments, but if the sound is indiepoppy, it'll sound good.

Most of all, indiepop reminds me of being young. It reminds me of a time when I believed in love & when I could still feel in love & I could still feel heartbroken. Nowadays those feelings, if I stumble upon them, feel like echoes of sounds I haven't heard for years. Except when they're in indiepop songs. Then they make complete sense, & I feel them anew.

What I've written above is what my brain says when I ask it, "What is indiepop?" Typically, it's not a definition, it's just a shuffling of observations. That's what my brain does when you ask it that kind of question. Just never never never ask it, "What is the color green?" I've lost an entire weekend to questions like that before.

The "Song Of The Day" is not indiepop. It's New Wave, which I seem to find myself listening to at work a lot, although while I was writing this, I was listening to Starlet, which is indiepop. Never mind. This song is by the Japanese New Wave band (much beloved by Devo & David Byrne, among others) called the Plastics. It's from their self-titled record & it's the song Robot. Click on the name to hear it. The song is in no way an endorsement of robots. They want to destroy all humans, so we must guard against them. But it's okay to hear a song about them. I'll remove it on March 6, 2007, before a robot removes me.

Tomorrow: a brief history of obsessive-compulsion.

Barkeep, I'll Have A Gin & Wrap-Up

What if I never mentioned gin ever again? Wouldn't that be WEIRD? What if I couldn't mention something I did a show about, like my show had this totally great power to wipe things from the earth once my show covered them? Wouldn't that be WEIRDER? Also, it'd be handy. Certain powerful people would no longer exist. & a couple of snotty businesses, too, I'll tell you.

I confess I did the gin show sober, but the folks who won the haiku contest were completely blitzed. Utterly stinko. The haikus reeked of quinine. & you know what that means - tonic. Here are the winners, from fourth to first:

FOURTH PLACE: Sue

She drinks her gin slow
Holds the glass up to the light
It looks full of tears

THIRD PLACE: Conrad

God you stink of gin
Like you passed out in the leaves
Of the forest floor

SECOND PLACE: Lawrence

A drink, a card game,
A machine to pick cotton,
A pretty girl’s name

FIRST PLACE: Lou

Passive-aggressive
This dry, bitter alcohol
Bottle of date-rape

& was there a limerick from the Mysterious Limericker? There was! It went like so:

There once was a world-renowned sinner
Who’d share his advice with beginners:
“Don’t help out your brothers -
To do unto others,
You must be a tonic & ginner!”

Or weren't you listening? For shame!

This week, I'll be continuing a series I started with Jennifer over on Ear Candy, but which I didn't follow up on for all of 2006. It'll be the infamous attempt to play Indiepop A To Z. This week I'll talk a little of my obsessive-compulsive desire to make these kinds of lists & all that. Maybe you could go listen to episodes 2 through 5 over here. I never digitized the first one for some weird reason. I should do that. If I can find it.

But it means that there isn't a specific theme for a haiku this week, so why not just write a haiku on anything? Here's some possible subjects: the war on sailing, earwax, confidentiality agreements, how you feel at 3:23 am when you're accidentally awakened by your cat crawling between you & your girlfriend under the covers, whatever happened to softcore porn, eating & running, Roy Lichtenstein, the last telephone booth you ever saw, the difference between Kentucky Fried Chicken & KFC, mannequins, Jack Kirby's OMAC series, what happened when you were thirteen, all the violence in that Blood Meridian book & how you still dream about it, ditto in HBO's "Rome," words like cantillation & how to use them more in everyday life, Gary Larson's "The Far Side" - funny or really fucking funny?, gin (in case you just thought of something), & possibly a haiku about haiku writing.

There are some ideas. Surely you have one or two of your own.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is by the strange, brilliant Moondog, from his sometimes too gorgeous 1969 record Moondog. I had been familiar with his more jazzy stuff, so this record took me completely by surprise. This is the piece called Symphonique #3 (Ode To Venus), & you may consider it a late Valentine's Day present. Click on the name, hear the gorgeous song. Listen to it every day until March 5, 2007, when I will replace it with a glass of gin haikus.

A Friday Ramble

It's cold in Austin. It's not New Hampshire cold or anything, but it's cold. Cold enough to catch cold. Since I quit smoking, I've gotten two colds, & they were of the "ow ow my sinuses hurt" variety. I never got that when I was a smoker. An EMT friend of mine once told me that it's common among medical types to note that smokers don't get colds as often as non-smokers, & she (at least) attributed it to the smoking. "But," she said, "if it kills the common cold, what else do you think it does to you?" I miss smoking in ways that I couldn't imagine, but I'm done, so I'll sniffle instead.

Today's show is about gin but I haven't had a drink in a week. Although I do plan to talk in a fakey drunk voice during the show. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. At least once I will do it. Ha!

I will also play a song by local depressive Luna Tart. She had an intermediary send me a song of hers that she didn't write for the show but that the show reminded her of. I can't resist her. If I attempt to, she sends her car & makes me watch Leni Riefenstahl movies with her all night long. I can handle her tears, I just can't handle all the mascara.

Other than that, it's just a gin show. I hope future generations will make a drinking game out of it.

& the "Song Of The Day"? Let's make it a funky instrumental. We'll take something from the guitarist Eddy Senay, off of the recently released collection Soul Preachin', which basically collects his two early 70's records. The song is called Zambezi, & yes, it's a cover of the Donny Hathaway tune, & you can click on the name to hear the song. It'll be there till March 2, 2007.

Tune it at 4:30 today, you lush. The show will be intoxicating.

Must... Answer... Letters...!

Do you want to ask me something? It's easy to just click here & write me an email. Are you afraid to ask me? Do you think I'll stink of gin? Ha! I smell of Chloroseptic!

But Harry wasn't afraid to ask. He writes:

Hello GARY
I've listened to your show all since summer, since I drive home on Fridays. What happened to Erin or Errin, the girl who talked with you through the fall? I thought she was great.

Ah, Erin, they miss you.

Well, Erin is alive & well & has not, so far as I know, driven south to live with penguins in Belize (as she has oftened told me she wants to do). Instead, she, as a trainee in KOOP's training program, has finished her apprenticeship with me, &, unfortunately, had to enter rehab. (Okay, that last part's not true.) I hope Erin will apply for her own show on KOOP, but she's always welcome back to Self Help Radio, since she always remembered to bring the bottle opener. My teeth suffer.

I hope you've noticed (have you?) that I've started to digitize my shows again. If you visit the Self Help Radio Archive Page you'll find both last week's show (about crushes) & the previous week's show (about mistakes) ready for your listening pleasure. Download them wildly.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is from the occasionally brilliant side project of the Creation Records gang called the Revolving Paint Dream from their record Mother Watch Me Burn. It's a lovely slice of translated psychedelic pop called (Burn This House) Down To The Ground & clicking on it gets a listen from you. It'll be listenable until March 1, 2007. Viva!

I'll see you tomorrow - it's a show about gin!

Whither Gin?

Happy Valentine's Day. I got the sniffles.

I confess I'm not fond of gin. I like to drink whiskey, either blended or single malt. I could drink it every day if I could drink it in moderation, but, alas, I like to drink a lot of it. My problem (if you want to call it that) is like that of someone who can't just have a bite of chocolate, or who can't eat just one potato chip. Also, I like to be drunk.

Gin is a different beast. It's a pretty good mixer with fruity or sweet stuff, which makes it great for those who are either very feminine or who have a well-developed feminine side (like the British). It's clear so it seems harmless, but people who understand liquor know that's the true danger: clear liquids hurt the most the next day. I myself have never really had incredibly cheap gin (for some reason, when people want to buy incredibly cheap booze, it's usually vodka - why is that?), but I have had different brands & none of them seem extra special. Its dryness is its most obvious charm.

So why do a show about it, then?

I think it goes back to the blues show I did about alcohol back in 2005. I called it the Labor Day Alcoholiday & I focused (obviously) on songs about the drinking. You wouldn't think that blues songs would contain so many references to alcohol. I was shocked. I thought most blues songs were about paintings. But no! There are lots of songs about alcohol! The next thing you'll tell me, then, is that blues singers were famous drinkers. Sheesh.

It stayed in the back of my mind, as a lot of stuff does (the back of my mind looks like a stinky, damp warehouse collecting nonsense for 39 long years), & I said to myself, probably while drunk (on whiskey, no doubt), "I should do a show about an alcoholic beverage!" & the first thing that came to my mind was gin. Really, it was between that & rum. I was at the time completely incapable of thinking of any word of longer than three letters. & "rye" at that time was a kind of bread.

Whether you like gin or not, however, you'll like the show. It'll make you feel all intoxicated but there'll be no hangover.

Here's a romantic "Song Of The Day" for you from the Mr T Experience about dealing with a break-up, which I'll probably have to do today since I didn't buy my girl any flowers. It's from their 1995 record ...And The Women Who Love Them & it's called Now That You Are Gone. Click on the name to listen to it, & listen to it every day until February 28, 2007, because that's when it'll go away.

Preface To Gin: An Unofficial History Of Drunken Blogs

They say - they say - that gin was invented by Dutch people in the 1600s. Some people have even said it was at around ten in the morning. Smart asses. How could the world have lived for so long without gin? & really - the Dutch? If so, why doesn't gin taste like cheese? (Although, now that I think about it, gin does taste like clogs.)

They say - they again - that Thomas Jefferson invented the blog in 1943. I believe that shit. I believe that I have read email between Lincoln & Douglas. I believe that robots control every major artificial cheese-making facility not owned by Kraft. (I believe Kraft is run by zombies.)

Thomas Jefferson, as has been previously noted by famous liars like the King & the Cartoon Bob Dylan, was a notorious drinker. That guy could guzzle gin like no one before or since. Long after he invented the blog, while he was patiently waiting for the internet to exist so he could touch up his Wikipedia entry with lies about his sexual prowess & the color of his hair, Jefferson would drink lots of gin & write, write, write. Among the most famous things he wrote while completely smashed on gin were blogs entitled: "The Declaration Of Intoxication," "The Tyranny Of The Hangover," "Why Don't I Follow Roadie Rules?", "I Am Democratically Drunk, Motherfucker," & the much-forwarded "John Adams Lives! But His Liver Is Completely Dead!"

Jefferson was a remarkable example to many of his contemporaries, so why didn't blogging catch on for over fifty years? I suspect it had to do with the fact that Jefferson couldn't spell to save his life while he was drunk. Many of his much-read blog pieces now have been copy-edited, to save him embarrassment. But it took the Lush Writings Of Jefferson Project in 2001 to bring his true genius to light. Now sober, Jefferson has disowned much of what he wrote, & continues to insist he's dead despite my beliefs.

Here's your "Song Of The Day", mistrustful ones.

It's by the amazing Josef K from the 1987 collection Young & Stupid. (Interestingly, in 1987 I was in fact young & stupid. I believe Josef K had my number. I still do.) It's the hyperactive song Heaven Sent & it should rock you in a postpunky way. Click on the name to download, & do so before February 27, because then it will go away.

Tomorrow: though it's Valentine's Day, I'll focus on gin. As it should be.

Crushing On Haikus & Wrapping Them Up

Like one of those people who keep the photo that came with the wallet, I always want to fill in blanks with the suggestions next to the blanks. For example, in the blogger window where I type, there's an option to "label" a post. The choices it gives you are: scooters, vacation, fall. I want so badly to put those labels on every post I write. Strooth.

Everyone was in the Valentine's spirit & was totally loving on me Friday, but there are only four haiku winners per show, & those winners are below, from fourth place to first:

FOURTH PLACE: Marcia

She knows it’s bad taste
To reveal you have a crush
In a bad haiku

THIRD PLACE: Jon

Too, too ecstatic
Heart & art, a crush on you,
Schoolboy to schoolgirl

SECOND PLACE: David

Am too old to crush
What love from gay youth remains
You can’t crush from me

FIRST PLACE: Kate

Tripped up, flattened, love
Head over heels over head
Crushed by your crushing

The Mystery Limericker continued to produce limericks for the show. Here's the one he sent for a show about Crushes:

There once was a stinky old lush
Whose drinking had made his face blush
“But it ain’t alcohol,”
He’d explain with a drawl,
“On cheap wine I have a big crush!”

He'll have a chance to continue to explore an alcoholical theme, because this week's show will be about gin. Bitter, dry gin. Gives you one hell of a hangover gin. Delicious when mixed with fruity or sweet drinks gin. Gin. You should write a haiku about this libation. Or perhaps you can send me a request for a song about gin. Or, if you're in a band, you could write a song about gin & I'll play it on the show! So many ways to be involved. We'll need lots of crushed ice.

This "Song Of The Day" has nothing to do with gin, except perhaps that it goes well with it. It's from a so-so remix collection from last year called Future Retro 80's: Alternative Classics Remixed & it contains a Sparks remix of a Morrissey song from his first solo record. This is one of my favorite kinds of remix - one that simply chops up the song & repeats its parts while adding a beat. It's like a musical dissection. So, without any further ado, here's Suedehead (The Sparks Remix). Click on it to hear all six & a half minutes of its glory. I'll leave it here till February 26.

Tomorrow: I drink a lot of gin & then write a short story for you.