Self Help Radio 021519: Steam

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Steam!  It's a digital distribution platform developed by the Valve Corporation for purchasing & playing video games!  That's so uninteresting!  But wait!

Steam is also the vapor that water's converted into when heated!  That's the stuff!  You can make a radio show out of that kind of steam!

We have firsthand knowledge of steam.  It's what makes our kettles whistle when our water's hot enough.  It used to power trains & boats but for all I know it still makes a calliope go.  Some of us enjoy soaking in hot tubs & basking in the steam, & a thankfully smaller amount of us enjoy so called steam rooms in saunas & spas for reasons that are probably inexplicable at least to me.

It's hard to get steamed at a celebration of steam, is what I'm trying to say.  & luckily for me, that's what this week's Self Help Radio is about.  See details below.

Listen at Self Help Radio dot net.  Use this username: SHR.  Use this password: selfhelp.  Use your best judgment if wanting to listen around friends.  They might not understand & you may never see them again.  This is what happened with my family.

Steam!  It may be science, technology, engineering, art, & mathematics to you, but it's a fine radio show to me!

Self Help Radio Steam Show

"Steam" Caroline Day _Girls Will Be Girls, Vol. 2_
"Steam" The March Violets _The Botanic Verses_
"Steam" The Aluminum Group _Plano_

introduction & definitions

"Head Full Of Steam" The Go-Betweens _Liberty Belle & The Black Diamond Express_
"Dreams Of Steam" Elk City _Status_
"Steam Heat" Patti Page _The Mercury Years, Vol. 2_
"Steamroller" Merry Clayton _Merry Clayton_
"Steam Away" The Flying Lizards _Fourth Wall_

a discussion of the history of steamboats

"Steamboat Man Blues" Clara Smith _Folk Music In America, Vol. 8: Songs Of Labor & Livelihood_
"Steamboat (Keep Rockin')" Bud & Joe Billings _Singing Pals From Kansas_
"Steamboat Days" Richard Amerson _Alabama From Lullabies To Blues_
"Steamboat Whistle Blues" Roy Acuff & His Crazy Tennesseans _1936-1939: Steamboat Whistle Blues_
"Steamboat Boogie" Ricky Riddle _MGM Hillbilly, Vol. 2_

a brief interlude before another round of steamboat songs

"Steamboat" The Drifters _Let The Boogie Woogie Roll_
"Steamboat Bill" The Coffee Bar Skifflers _Skiffle Showcase_
"Collectors Item Show: Fulton's Steamboat" Bob & Ray _Bob & Ray Classic, Vol. 4_
"Steamliner" The Flames _Syde Tryps, Vol. 6_
"Rachael Built A Steamboat" The Teardrop Explodes _Wilder_
"Channel Steamer" Nikki Sudden _British Airwaves_

a discussion of the history of steam locomotives

"Last Of The Steam-Powered Trains" The Kinks _The Kinks Are The Village Green Preservation Society_
"Columns O'Steam" The Lucksmiths _A Good Kind Of Nervous_
"The Little Steam Engine" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"Steaming Train" Talulah Gosh _Steaming Train EP_
"The Man Who Thought He Was A Steam Train" Clive Product _Financial Suicide_
"Steam Of Hercules" Bob Mould _Silver Age_

a discussion of idioms involving the word "steam"

"Barnum's Steam Calliope" Sunset Four _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Vol. 1: 1917-1927_
"The Steam Is On The Beam (vocals, Kay Thompson)" Johnny Green & His Orchestra _From Out Of Nowhere_
"Steamer" Joey Bellomo _Party Party Party (34 Raw, Ruthless, & Rugged Sixties Garage Rockers)_
"Steam Comes Off Our House" De Rosa _Ballads Of The Book_
"Smoke & Steam" Trembling Blue Stars _She Just Couldn't Say_

conclusion & goodbye

"Hamam" Transcendental _Steam - Hamam: The Turkish Bath (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_
"Steam" Jah Wobble & Brian Eno _Spinner_
"Days Of Steam" John Cale _The Academy In Peril_

Whither Steam?

(Image from here.)

That web page where I got the image of the kettle above reminds me, "Steam is an invisible gas. You cannot see steam. What you see when a kettle boils is actually tiny drops of water."  Well la de da!

I almost used this image to illustrate steam:

(This image from here.)

In either case, I suppose, the steam is invisible - unless you're in a comic.

Why do a radio show about steam?  Is it an obsession with steamboats?  Steam-powered trains?  Kettles?  I can't really remember.  It happened recently - I put this show together far more quickly than I usually do - but for the life of me I can't remember what started me down this path.

What I'd like to pretend is that it was an accident, that I kept hearing songs about steam when I wasn't paying attention, & that the songs were really about something else, something that vaguely rhymes with steam.  Yeah, let's say that.  It's all a mistake!  & like steam, it's immaterial!

Tomorrow at noon we'll all get steamed up.  Self Help Radio dot net.  The last of the steam-powered radio shows?

Preface To Steam: The Three States Of Matter (Forgetting Plasma)

Here's today's lesson.  Read along!

"Matter can exist in one of three main states: solid, liquid, or gas."

That's fine but wait there's more:

"In extreme environments, other states may be present, such as plasma, Bose-Einstein condensates, & neutron stars."

All right, now that we're got that out of the way what do you mean there's more:

"Further states, such as quark-gluon plasmas, are also believed to be possible."

Ha ha, let's just stay with the most common states of matter oh you have something else to add:

"Much of the atomic matter of the universe is hot plasma in the form of rarefied interstellar medium & dense stars."

Ah.  Well.  It's just that the show this week is about steam, which of course is the gaseous state of water, & we're not really going to talk about plasma you see.

Damn it.

Bose-Einstein condensates???

Another One Down

(This is a boring "Gary-is-bad-at-Pledge-Drive" post.  Feel free to ignore or read the others I've written over again, as this will not have any new information in it.)

Boy, am I bad at Pledge Drive.  There are doubtless many reasons for this, from how most people who listen to them don't pledge to radio stations to I have not nor have ever been a good salesperson, but every time I do one of these - & I believe I've done like twelve or more of them for KNON by now - I feel like I have tried everything there's nothing else I can do.

Something we did at KOOP down in Austin - I've mentioned this before - we had someone come in whom we called a "choreographer" whose job it was to take care of the pitching - they went to special classes & also were deejays good at raising money for their own shows - while the regular deejays concentrated on making sure the show sounded good.  KNON does not do this - it's every show for itself.  & today, though I had two people helping me with phones, neither wanted to be on air, so they didn't talk.

But I will say that I was bad at Pledge Drive on KOOP too so maybe I am romanticizing the idea of the choreographer.  Or looking for someone to blame!

The whole idea of community radio, of a place where people who love music can come & do radio & it not be polluted by corporate nonsense & interference - that idea is something I love so dearly, I have given so much of my time to it for over twenty-five years now, the sad fact that I can't properly convey that love in a way that encourages people to help keep this thing I love on the air, that's the worst thing for me.

& the long drive home - I don't believe I've ever had a "walk of shame" - or else I did but didn't feel any shame, really - that drive home is one long drive of failure.

& I feel like it's troubling that I really can't do any better.  I will spend the week - I am certain I have to do another pledge drive show again next week - trying to research more fundraising techniques.  But the show won't be thematic - the last two "theme" shows failed to raise very much money - & I'm not sure I can tailor my pitches any better to the listener than I have.

All right, enough, I could go round & round in my head doing this.  The few people who pledged these two weeks - their names are Al, Justin, Carole, Valerie, Tim, Connie, Gene, Cynthia, & Natalie - I thank them deeply & am glad someone called.

The first hour today was frickin' brutal.

Schedule Change

You might have noticed - you probably didn't - but maybe you did - that the Self Help Radio web site said this week's theme would be "Radio On The Edge."  But on Saturday that changed to "Steam."  What's that all about?

It's all about my stupidity.  I've done this a couple of times before, & truly that's surprising - I've been making these theme-based radio shows for sixteen years now - but I try really hard not to repeat a theme.  I even made a page of all the themes I've covered - it's right here - mainly so I could check to see if I might have covered a theme before.

A few weeks back, when something inspired me to do a show about "edges" (it seems dumb but sure most of my themes are a little dumb), I went to that page, looked to the letter e, & found no "edge."  So I started working on the show.  I even announced it on last week's show!

But something kept bugging me.  I felt déjà vu more than once.  So I decided to look through my old playlists - maybe I did a set of "edgy" songs on the Tuesday Morning Blend or something.  But no, a deep dive into forgotten radio show playlists resulted in the discovery of a show with the theme On Edge.  Same difference.

Criminy crackers, Gary, why not just call the theme "edge"?  Why "on edge"?  Because.

It caused me to scramble, I added a theme I would've explored in a month or so, I don't know why I didn't just move next week's up a week, it just happened & I've been putting songs on the Self Help Radio Facebook page, I guess the show'll be about steam this week.

The thing is, I'm not steamed about it at all.  I'm glad I caught it.  How embarrassing if I repeated a theme!  I'm not quite senile yet!

Anyway, you didn't notice & you don't care but here was a glimpse of some behind-the-scenes nonsense.  I just hope I haven't explored "steam" yet!

Self Help Radio 020819: Valentine's Day 2019 - Flirting!

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Valentine's Day is just around the corner!  & across the street.  Up the road a ways.  But in six days it'll be here!  Whee!

Okay, look, I know it's weird to do a Valentine's Day almost a week before Valentine's Day but this show happens on Fridays so if Valentine's Day is on a Thursday, I have to do a Valentine's Day on the Friday before the holiday.

& you may ask why do a Valentine's Day at all?  Do you really celebrate Valentine's Day?  Yes, yes I do!  On this show.  That's about it.  My wife hates flowers.  & she's suspicious of romance.

So listen to today's show to find out way too much about flirting through music & talking.  The show is now at the Self Help Radio website.  The songs & talk are listed below.  Remember!  You'll need a username (it's SHR) & a password (it's selfhelp) to listen.

& have a happy Valentine's Day, you shameless flirt you!

Self Help Radio Valentine's Flirting Show

"She's A Flirt" The Jewels _B-Bomb Baby_
"He's A Flirt" The Sequins _Nitty Gritty: 30 Floorshaking Northern Soul Classics_
"Flirt Bliss Love Kiss" The King of Luxembourg _Bellissimo! Él Singles_

introductions & definitions

"The Flirting Kind" Elvis Costello _Punch The Clock_
"Flirt, Hurt & Desert" The Fuzztones _Preaching To The Perverted_
"The Flirt" Shirley & Lee _Let The Good Times Roll_
"Flirt!" Jonathan King _Try Something Different_
"They Say It Is Sinful To Flirt" The Delmore Brothers _Classic Cuts 1933-1941_

interview with flirting expert Dr. Jack Dick Curvybody (Part I)

"I Know What Boys Like" The Waitresses _Wasn't Tomorrow Wonderful?_
"Flirt" Chris Spedding _Cafe Days_
"Flirtation Walk" Gordon McRae _Motion Picture Soundstage_
"Busy Flirtin'" Bobby Hendricks _Itchy Twitchy Feeling_
"Little Town Flirt" The Intelligence _Everybody's Got It Easy But Me_

interview with flirting expert Dr. Jack Dick Curvybody (Part II)

"Brass In Pocket" Suede _Ruby Trax NME Roaring Forty_
"Congregations For Anti-Flirts Inc." Thee Kavaliers _Congregation For Anti-Flirts Inc. (The McAllen, Texas Teen Scene 1965-1967)_
"Flirt A Rio" Piero Umiliani _Easy Tempo, Vol. 4: A Kaleidoscopic Collection Of Exciting & Diverse Cinematic Themes_
"Flirt" Arab Strap _Monday At The Hug & Pint_
"Flirt" Cameo _Alligator Woman_

Gary talks to himself & plays clips of his favorite flirt

"I Don't Flirt Anymore" Homer & Jethro _Wanted For Murder_
"Don't Flirt With Me" Hank Thompson & His Brazos Valley Boys _Hank Thompson & His Brazos Valley Boys, Vol. 1_
"Flirtin'" The Osmonds _Osmonds_
"Shameproof Flirt" Nothing Painted Blue _Monte Carlo Method_
"Flirting USA" Peace _Happy People_

a discussion about "flirty fishing"

"Little Flirt" The Ravons _Quagmire Vol. 2_
"Flirty Baby No. 2" The Raymen _Link Wray:‎ Missing Links, Vol. 1 - Hillbilly Wolf_
"Little Miss Flirt" The O'Kaysions _Girl Watcher_
"Flirtation" St. Christopher _Lioness_
"Accidental Flirt" Elizabeth Harper _Elizabeth Harper_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Flirting Around" Gregory Isaacs _King Jammys Presents: The Best Of Gregory Isaacs_
"Baba Jinde (Flirtation Dance)" Babatunde Olatunji _Drums Of Passion_

Whither Valentine's Day 2019: Firting?

(All of these images came up with I used Google's image search for "flirting.")

Look at those pictures up there!  Flirting is super weird!  According to Google, it's apparently only done by white people in their teens & twenties!  If you don't believe me, put "flirting" in the image search & go to town.  Young, white, pretty town.  That's where the flirt is.

Valentine's Day is one of those shows where I kinda sorta revisit a theme, except I don't really.  It's just got to be related to Valentine's topics, like crushes or jealousy, like famous lovers or heartbreak.  You can actually see all the show's Valentine's Day playlists by clicking here & I believe last year's show - it was about roses - is still available to listen to if you want.

Flirting wasn't an easy show to put together, maybe because, as you'll see, there are different ideas about what flirting is.  Flirting is such an inconsequential part, most of the time, of a relationship, that it's often overshadowed by falling in love.  It's usually just about attraction, & often not serious.  But there are some great songs about flirting!

You'll hear them tomorrow, at noon, at self help radio dot net.  I promise it won't be creepy.  I won't be doing the flirting.  Just the songs on the show.

Preface To Flirting: Flirting Videos Online

Whatever you do, don't search for "how to flirt" videos on Youtube.  You get results like this:

Please don't watch that, it may make you sad.

Also, just don't search for "how to flirt" on the internets either.  You get articles like the one on Wikihow that tells you the two best ways to flirt.  Only two?  What a rip-off!

No, no, all you need to know about flirting you can find out on this week's show.  Just in time for Valentine's Day!  Which will be like six days away.  I mean, I can't do the show after Valentine's Day, that would be awful.  But the closest show to Valentine's Day is six days away.  Sorry about that.

All right.  Stop looking at flirting videos online!  I warned you!

It's The Little Things

As predicted, I didn't do too well raising money for KNON during their Winter Pledge Drive.  I have explicitly told the Station Manager that I would gladly quit doing the show if he had someone who could raise more money than I do (or don't, as the case may be).  I would not be offended.  I am terrible at it.

& yet, as I drove home this morning, I wasn't all that depressed.  I enjoyed chatting with Pippin & Carole on the air, & I enjoyed the show I put together.  (I certainly liked it better than my first stab at the theme sixteen years ago!)  We had some great premiums, but no one wanted them.  One person said I was his favorite Blend deejay, which is always sweet to hear, but that's got to be a small number, & only a fraction of folks can pledge to radio stations.  The fault, I am sure, is me.  No salesperson I.

The wife, who's visiting her sisters & mother in California, talked to me suspiciously, like I was hiding my feelings, but really, it didn't bother me much.  Should there be a shake-up & I lose the show, my show would barely be missed - I have seen dozens of "popular" shows disappear from the airwaves with great sadness only to have them virtually forgotten mere weeks later.  This certainly happened with Self Help Radio in Austin, & it wasn't a well-loved show in any sense.  The fellow who took over the timeslot has been doing it for far longer than I was ever there.

So I suppose I'm using perspective, or something, to rationalize my failure at this.  I've been doing the show for a year now, people have a sense of what to expect when they turn the radio on on Tuesdays & tune into KNON.  If things, premiums, tickets, shirts, etc., is what is needed to convince people to donate to a show, I fully understand why they might wait to do so when a show they really love is on - or a show where they know the deejay.  I have very few friends in the Dallas area, & they don't listen to my show or to Self Help Radio for that matter.  As for family, well, they've never been supportive of anything I do, so I wouldn't expect them to listen, let alone pledge.  Even if they had some money to spare, that would be the last thing it would occur to them to do.

They always say when begging for money on the radio not to threaten - "this show won't be here if you don't pledge" - because it turns people off, but I think I would feel a strange satisfaction if that's the reason I lost the show.  I don't know if anyone at KNON has lost his or her show in the recent past for that reason, but perhaps that's because I'm certainly the one who deserves that the most.

Do you know those super rich conservatives (it seems like they're mostly conservative) who give millions to political campaigns, etc., because they basically take a shit in their golden bathrooms & simultaneously make a million dollars from capital gains?  If each one of them just picked a community radio station - there aren't that many in the US - & started a trust - just drop, say, fifty million dollars each - they wouldn't even notice it was gone - these stations wouldn't have to do pledge drives.  Ever again.

That's something to aspire to.  If you're a rich conservative - especially if you wasted money in the 2016 election on candidates who couldn't beat Trump - email me & we can chat.  I know at least three stations that you can choose from - there are more - & it might be the only good thing you ever do with your money.  & I'm not talking NPR stations!  They're doing fine.  Email me, we can talk.  Wouldn't you love it if your legacy was ending pledge drives on KNON forever?

A boy can dream.

In Twelve Hours

In twelve hours I'll be on the road going to do the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON, & it'll be the first Pledge Drive of the year.  & while I enjoy putting pledge drive shows together - they're the closest I get to Self Help Radio on KNON - I hate the begging for the money.  I would rather do anything than have to beg for money on the air.

Here are twelve things I'd rather do:

1) Take up curling as a hobby.
2) Wait in line.  In the cold.  With people who are really, really excited about waiting in line.
3) Discuss current events with libertarians.
4) Write a twenty page paper about a subreddit which deals with Christian interpretations of Black Mirror episodes.
5) Sit silently in the corner during a heavy metal concert (no earplugs).
6) Watch a film about skydiving as a preparation to taking skydiving classes.
7) Memorize all the ingredients in various topical creams for later declamation.
8) Befriend the least-talented member of a junior college improv group.
9) Politely listen to any know-it-all discuss the dangers of veganism to me.
10) Watch one of those long boring movies I always fall asleep during but with electrodes on that shock me every time I doze off.
11) Have a meal with any of my siblings (they chose the place).
12) Rub the hair of a bear in a lair in the opposite direction.

Okay, the last one was something Stephin Merritt would rather do than lose your affection.

The point is, I don't really want to do it.  But I will!  Tomorrow.  7-9am cst.  Ugh.

Self Help Radio 020119: Garages

What is a garage, really?  Does it have to have a door?  Does it have to have something parked in it?  Is there any real similarity between a parking garage & your next-door neighbor's cluttered two-car garage?  Do you think it's fair to use the word "garage" as a synecdoche in the case of places where people take their cars to be fixed?  What should we store in a garage?  What should we make in a garage?

None of these questions are asked or answered on today's show.  Honestly, they didn't occur to me until just now.  Which is unfortunate, but that's the nature of my brain.  Instead, I visit a garage, I talk to the officer that arrests the guy at that garage, I hang out with a talking dog, & my wife calls.  Not all at the same time.  That would be craziness.  But the point is, I should've asked more questions about garages.  Oh well.  Maybe if I do a show about carports.

The show of course is at the Self Help Radio website whenever you want to listen.  User the username "SHR" & pass the password "selfhelp" in order to listen.  What might you be listening to?  That's below.

Also, if you need to get in the garage, the code is 123321 & you'll need to hit the arrows to open it.  If it doesn't open, hit the # symbol or the arrows twice, then reenter the numbers.  It's still not opening?  You hit the arrows again afterwards?  Can you just try the opener?  It's in the car, dude.  I swear I put it...  Okay.  I'll be there as soon as I can.

Self Help Radio Garages Episode

"Garage Fire Blues" Memphis Minnie & Her Jug Band _Queen Of The Country Blues: All The Published Sides 1929-1937_
"Two Car Garage" Dick Thomas & His Nashville Ramblers _25 Country & Western Songs Of The 40s_
"À La Porte Du Garage" Charles Trenet _The Extraordinary Garden_

introduction featuring Edgar Lou, the talkative terrier

"In Jim's Garage" I, Brute Force _Confections Of Love_
"In My Garage" Kim Fowley _Sunset Boulevard_
"Garageland" The Clash _The Clash_
"One Fella's Family: Garage Trouble" Bob & Ray _Classic Bob & Ray_
"Paradise Garage" Tim Curry _Fearless_

field report: a visit to Byron's garage

"Death Garage" Peter Holsapple _Big Black Truck_
"Double Garage" Voice Farm _The World We Live In_
"Garage Full Of Flowers" Inspiral Carpets _Cool As_
"Lucky Duck Garage" The Firesign Theater _Dear Friends_
"Joe's Garage" Frank Zappa _Joe's Garage_

interview with Officer Pendragon

"Heartbreak Garage" Pere Ubu _Story Of My Life_
"In The Garage" Weezer _Weezer (The Blue Album)_
"Garage Sales" Collin Moulton _Collin Cleans Up Well_
"My Friend's Garage" The Pearly Gatecrashers _Popsuey_
"Twenty Four Hour Garage People" Half Man Half Biscuit _Trouble Over Bridgwater_

a discussion of garage sales Gary's wife calls

"Man In A Garage" Coldcut _Sound Mirrors_
"Multi-Family Garage Sale (Bargain Bin Mix)" Land Of The Loops _Bundle Of Joy_
"Dwight Twilley's Garage Sale" Red Dirt Rangers _Starin' Down The Sun_
"Big Ass Garage Sale" Bill Chambers _Sleeping With The Blues_
"Garage Sale" Nerf Herder _IV_

the shortest Self Help Radio airbreak ever?

"Stuck In Thee Garage" The Dirtbombs _Dangerous Magical Noise_
"Garage Full Of Love" Xerox Feinberg _Introducing... The Horrible Blob_
"Le Garage" Futureheads _The Futureheads_
"Garage Apartment" Super XX Man _X_
"Garage In Drift" The Hit Parade _Cornish Pop Songs_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Man Of Constant Sorrow (With A Garage In Constant Use)" Half Man Half Biscuit _Half No-One Cares About Your Creative Hub So Get Your Fuckin' Hedge Cut_
"Forty Years Old & I'm Livin' In My Mom's Garage" Austin Lounge Lizards _Never An Adult Moment_

Whither Garages?

For about a month - from mid-December to mid-January - a stray cat lived in our garage.  I spent way more time in the garage than I ever really had.  Normally, I'm in there to get to the car, or the lawnmower, or the foodstuffs we store there.  Until the cat (whose story I talked about here on this blog) stayed there, I never, for example, sat on the garage floor.  There was no reason to.

Maybe that's what inspired this show about garages.  I don't know.  I lived in apartments growing up, & well into my college years, so I never had a garage until I was maybe 36, 37?  That garage also mainly held the car.  It also held our dog food, which was constantly being eaten by rats.  It had rats, too.  I remember my girlfriend at the time (now my wife) being amused when I bought a heavy container with metal edges to store the dog food in.  The edges, of course, were how the rats gnawed into the containers.  I was annoyed at the rats.

That's one garage story, might there be more?  Of course there are more!  Consider that a taste!

The show happens at noon tomorrow at self help radio dot net.  Maybe you have a garage too?  Maybe you'll play the show for your garage?

Preface To Garage: What Is Garage Music?

Here are two musical descriptions of the word "garage":

(This is from Wikipedia: "Garage rock (also called '60s punk or garage punk) is a raw & energetic style of rock & roll that flourished in the mid-1960s, most notably in the United States & Canada, & has experienced various revivals since then. The style is characterized by basic chord structures played on electric guitars & other instruments, sometimes distorted through a fuzzbox, as well as often unsophisticated & occasionally aggressive lyrics & delivery. Its name derives from the perception that groups were often made up of young amateurs who rehearsed in the family garage, although many were professional."

The second (also defined in Wikipedia) is this: "Garage house (originally known as 'garage music'; also 'New York house') is a dance music style that was developed alongside house music. Garage, which had a more soulful R&B-derived sound, was developed in the Paradise Garage nightclub in New York City & Club Zanzibar in Newark, New Jersey, United States, during the early-to-mid 1980s. There was much overlap between it & early house music, making it difficult to tell the two apart. It predates the development of Chicago house, & according to All Music, is relatively closer to disco than other dance styles. As Chicago house gained international popularity, New York's garage music scene was distinguished from the 'house' umbrella. Garage led to other styles of music such as speed garage & UK garage."

Could this have led to any confusion?  Might record stores simply have a "garage" section where both genres (& their sub-genres) ended up?  I dunno, but I do have a story:

In the summer of 1997 (22 years ago!), I was working as the Programming Director at KVRX with a fellow named Chris, who did a house music show.  I don't recall its name.  I wasn't familiar with house, or any modern electronica, really, at the time, so he would talk to me about it & I would listen politely, not really having much interest then in the genre.  But he told me he was going to do a show about garage music.  That was something I knew something about, & wondered how he would manage to mix that into his general repetitive thumping with the occasional vocal.

He was nonplussed.  His idea of garage music was (as the second definition above notes) basically the same as house.  So he played me some garage music.  I laughed & told him that that wasn't garage music, & I played him "Pushin' Too Hard" by the Seeds & "Mr Pharmacist" by the Other Half.  No way was that garage music, he said.  I told him he predated his garage music by two decades & had to bring up a page on the web that traced the history of garage rock.

"Garage rock," he said, as if he'd won the argument.  "This is garage house."

"Don't just call it garage, then," I said.

It was a friendly disagreement.  He didn't like the kind of garage I liked.  I don't think I ever listened all the way through one of his shows.

Put These Faces In Alphabetical Order

(I'm paraphrasing here) Number one wash the affected area in your own usual way & dry as thoroughly as possible.  Did you see the medicated plaster?  Not the unmedicated plaster, that's for later.  Okay!  Yes!  Then number two put the medicated plaster on the place you previously washed.

Wait, did you just say "warshed"?  Where are you from?  Because that is some hicky Southern pronunciation right there.  I have to get the warsh from the warshing machine I bought in Warshington state.  All right, all right, don't get your tank top in a tizzie.

Number three, wait forty-eight hours.  Two days.  Two nights & two days.  Don't be impatient.  Don't be impertinent.  Don't be importuning me in any way about this.  Starting the moment you put the plaster on, forty eight hours.  Four eight.  Six times eight.  Four times twelve.  Two times twenty-four.  Forty-eight mother father hours.

Did I mention soaking?  I thought I mentioned soaking.  Maybe add to number one "soak in warm water."  Unless that's how you clean?  Do you clean by soaking?  Who does that, really.  At best soaking is, as the poet put it, "A twenty-minute soak can improve how you think & feel/That’s time well spent each & every day, you heel."  Or is that in the bibble?

Let's skip number four which is just repeat as necessary & then go straight to number five which is sexy like broccoli covered in wafers: Only do this for fourteen days.  A fortnight!  After that, give up!

The origin of the word "fortnight" seems pretty self-expository.  As the Wickerpedia says, "The word derives from the Old English: fēowertyne niht, meaning 'fourteen nights.'"  It does not, as the Wackapedia says, "derive from the New English fort night, meaning 'two weeks in a fort is like one night in a fort.'"

How do you feel now?  Does it work?  Is the plaster painful?  Is the plaster painful as a pest?  As a pestilence?  As a petulant parrot pretending to pout?  As a portentous polygon past its prime?  As a pretentious primadonna prancing & preening?  As a portmanteau pulled peevishly by poorly-paid porters?  As a puffin pining for the Pacific?  As a possibly pleasant pastry packed with pineapple pectin?  As a peripatetic plumber planting posies in Palermo?  As putrid pumpkin placed prettily on pieces of pie?  As perverse proclivities proscribed from the pulpit?  As people pointing politely at puzzled policemen?  As perturbed payment for pandemonium?  As piles of putty plopped perfunctorily in public by playful Parisians?  As posh poseurs perplexed by polygamy?  As peculiar peroration per Pinter or Proust?  As provocative papal pontification perceived & pooh-poohed?  As pure, palliative potables partaken poisonously?  As paradoxical positions plainly proclaimed?  As peanut passion?  As potato precipitation?  As preposterous parties plagued by penguins?  As pointless pigs prestidigitating? As pitiable partridges parting in poverty?  As parboiled pantaloons?

No?

Well, if you say so.

Taylor

(A picture doubtless taken by Taylor himself; I took it from his Facebook page.)

As one gets older, if one survives, one will have to say goodbye to so many people one knew.  I say this because this past week I had to say goodbye to that gentleman up there.  His names was Taylor Cage & he's one of the many folks I've had the fortune to meet because of my radio obsession.  But I can safely say that none were quite like him.

When I decided to try my luck at KOOP radio in the fall of 2000, he most probably was part of the team that trained us.  I don't really recall - my main memory is that, with the station suffering from a recent schism, the training staff seemed shellshocked.  When I asked one of the other trainers what his name was, he told me that that wasn't important.

The reason I suspect Taylor trained me is that, once I joined the station & its Training Committee, I was teamed with him for the first night's training: he did the station's Orientation class, I taught FCC rules & regulations.  Taylor had a show on KOOP called Queer Waves & therefore it wasn't a surprise that he was openly, proudly gay.  He had a flair for the dramatic & was a marvelous teacher - & I always loved that he taught something called orientation.  Sweet & friendly, Taylor was there to show you how actually different your experience at KOOP would be.

His show was great, he had an encyclopedic knowledge of queer musicians that I have yet to see rivaled.  I saw him weekly as I was usually up at the station on Saturdays to do production work - & since he did his show then, he was often conscripted by me to voice spots.  I put one of them on my server, this was an indecency disclaimer for our webstream overnight, I think he enjoyed this a little too much.  Listen to it here.

He once asked me to sub his show & I just played show tunes - which he was fine with, but I felt like I wasn't really playing what he would play.  Last year, as I helped my mother move in with my sister, I found a bunch of old CDs of my Austin shows, which of course I tossed out, but I kept one to listen to on the drive back to Fort Worth.  It was that very show.  When I got home, I wrote Taylor a message on Facebook, which went like this:

"Hey, I was just in Dallas helping my 88-year-old mom pack up her place - she's moving in with my sister tomorrow - & she had a ton of burned CDs of my old KOOP shows.  I threw them all away (I have copies in digital form) but I saved one to listen to on the drive home, which was the Queer Waves show I subbed in 2006 on which I played show tunes.  I almost never listen to my old shows because I'm not a masochist, but I wanted to hear what I'd chosen & it was an all right show, but there was something I said that made me laugh out loud.  I had been saying something silly about you being gone & I said, 'Please don't tell Taylor I've been trash-talking him on the air.  He'd find it delicious.'"

His response was: "Yes! Or in Gay, YAAAAASSS!"

Two moments stick in my mind when I saw Taylor troubled or otherwise not as happy as he usually was.  One of them was after an anti-gay marriage amendment passed with a huge majority in Texas.  Now, Taylor was not someone I thought of as being for marriage of any kind, but he said it bothered him because, in the liberal bubble of Austin, he just forgot "how many people hate us."  The second time involved someone at KOOP who was of the Baha'i faith who arranged for us to use their temple for meetings after one of the fires we had, & it became known that the Baha'i had some issues with homosexuality.  When some members of the station either refused to discuss this, or thought it didn't really matter, it disturbed Taylor.  He confided in me, "This used to be one of the places I felt at home."

He left KOOP in 2007 I think.  I would leave a year later.  We didn't stay in touch, but we found each other on Facebook later on, where would occasionally talk.  We never had a social relationship - he did come to a party at my place once, but didn't seem too comfortable.  After meetings I would often take him home, which allowed us to talk about the station & our lives.  He invited me in to see his beloved dolls a couple of times, & I discovered he loved Jethro Tull more than I could have imagined.  Not much Jethro Tull on Queer Waves!  I should've got him to sub Self Help Radio once to just see how he'd do.

He did return many times to KOOP as a guest, on Dennis Campa's show, & I'm glad - he was made to be an on-air personality.  I hope I have some of his shows saved somewhere.  As my friend Ken said when we discussed his passing, he was "inimitable."

He died last week at the age of 63.  He had a twin sister I never met, & she shared his obituary on Facebook, & I share it now.  Now I'm thinking about how Taylor & I would sit in the station & make each other laugh, how he was perfectly happy to listen to me discuss how I thought the station should be run & all that nonsense, but how a simple phrase, subtly barbed, would deflate my self-important rants & make me laugh at myself.  He was a wonderful person that I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with.  I hope KOOP does something to celebrate him.  He really was one-of-a-kind.

Self Help Radio 012519: Destiny

(Original image from here.  Apparently, My Destiny is a Filipino soap opera.)

Do I have more to say about destiny than is said on today's show?  Boy, do I!  But I hardly think this is the appropriate place.  No, this is the place where I tell you, yes, this week's Self Help Radio is available, & yes, you can download it at the regular place, & oh yes, there's a playlist below which will tell you not only what songs are on the show but also what interviews I conducted.  It's a time for the sharing of information pertaining to the program, not for me to catch up on things I could've or should've said during the show.

That being said, I have one more thing to say about destiny - NO!  Stop it!  You had your chance!  A week's worth of blog posts & two hours of Self Help Radio!  No one cares after this!  Move on!  Move on to the next episode!  Get it done on time!  For fuck's sake!

All right.  Today's show.  At self help radio dot net.  Password is selfhelp, username is SHR.  Playlist is below.  I guess it's my destiny to be the king of pain NO! You don't get to quote Police songs you didn't play this week or last week!  Just move the fuck on!

Self Help Radio Destiny Show

"Do You Believe In Destiny?" The Fresh & Onlys _Secret Walls_
"Destiny (Acoustic Demo Version)" Mark Bacino _Prspctv: Beikoku-Ongaku # 19_
"Destiny Calling" James _Fresh As A Daisy: The Singles_

Synonym Or Not? The Game Show

"Destiny Street" Richard Hell & The Voidoids _The Groups Of Wrath: Songs Of The Naked City_
"Destiny" Simple Minds _Life In A Day_
"Destiny" Otis Redding _Live On The Sunset Strip_
"Dance Of Destiny" Tony Martin _The Best Of Tony Martin_
"Destiny" The Cleaners From Venus _Martin Newell's Jumble Sale_

Interview with The Great Destino!

"She Said It Was Destiny" Richard Thompson _Ducknapped!_
"My Destiny" The Fastbacks _The Day That Didn't Exist_
"Anatomy Is Not Destiny" Ludus _The Visit/Seduction_
"Destiny" Blue Swede _Hooked On A Feeling_
"Destiny Cryin'" The Gaslight Union _Every Now & Then_

interview with Chris of Aural Decomposition, featuring their song "Destiny"

"Destiny" Cast King _The Sun Country Box_
"Destiny" Sons Of The Pioneers _Sing Legends Of The West_
"Destiny" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever_
"Me & My Destiny" The Sir Douglas Quintet _The Return Of Doug Saldaña_
"Date With Destiny" Mental As Anything _Essential As Anything_
"Devil City Destiny" The Halo Benders _The Rebels Not In_

interview with author Neil Gaiman insurance agent Neil Grayman

"Malaya! (My Destiny)" Yma Sumac _Inca Taqui_
"My Destiny" Wanda Jackson _The Complete Singles As & Bs 1954-62_
"Destiny" Candi Staton _Young Hearts Run Free_
"My Destiny" Anne Marie Hurst _Day Of All Days_
"Doom Or Destiny" Blondie _Pollinator_

conclusion, goodbyes, & a dedication

"Dan Destiny & The Silver Dawn" The Chills _Brave Words_
"Destiny" Brilliantine _Vainglory_
"Destiny Stopped Screaming" Adrian Borland _Harmony & Destruction (The Unfinished Journey)_
"Destiny" Eat Static _Prepare Your Spirit_

Whither Destiny?

(Destiny of the Endless.  Image from here.)

Looking at the picture - I have to admit, I couldn't name all the Endless to Magda today.  I remember Dream & Death, of course, & Destiny, Despair, & Delirium, but I forgot Desire & Destruction, which seems appropriate.  Wow, wouldn't it be cool to have an entire radio show about the Endless?  People should write songs about them!  If only Neil Gaiman were married to a musician...

No, just a bunch of songs about destiny & - spoiler alert - mostly the songs suggest that one's destiny involves being with a particular person - the object of their affections.  It's funny how it works out that way.

My confession: I thought about doing this show while listening to Richard Hell.  I worried that it would resemble the Fate show I did about two years ago, but it turns out, nah, not so much.  But I'm still worried!

Are you destined to listen?  I suppose we'll both find out tomorrow at noon at selfhelpradio.net, won't we?  See you then.

Preface To Destiny: Wait, Didn't You Already Do A Show About Fate?

Yes.  Yes, I did.  & barely two years ago.  So what?  I didn't play any songs about destiny on the fate show.  What're you complaining about, imaginary complainer?

Here's what I'm complaining about.  Oh wait, let me italicize what I'm saying so it seems like it's a different person talking.  Here's what I'm complaining about: aren't fate & destiny the same thing?

Not at all!  According to this website: "Destiny is the ultimate purpose of your life. Your destiny is what naturally unfolds when you use your fates to guide you - rather than allowing your fates to embitter, harden or stall you."

But, isn't that just a lot of nonsense?

Why are you yelling at me?

Sorry.  I thought I was italicizing when I was bolding instead.

Yeah, it was weird.

But hold up.  You think bolding is like yelling?

It is!

I THOUGHT ALL CAPS WAS YELLING!

Can't two things be yelling?

Like two words can mean the same thing?

Of course!  Those are called synonyms.

Like, I don't know, let me think a bit of a for instance, maybe, could these two words be, you know, fate & destiny?

Curse you, imaginary complainer!  You exist entirely in my head & yet you tricked me!

Ha ha ha.

Bold italics look like they're the devil's speech!

What the fuck, dude.

Feline Rescue

 

A few weeks back, I wrote this post about a cat the wife & I helped after it showed up all beaten & bloody.  I didn't follow up on it - I thought I had - but it turns out I did it on my personal Facebook account.  I present to you what I wrote here:

In case anyone cares: the stray cat that's lived in our garage for two weeks - who came to our neighbor's porch quite beat up - who was treated by a vet & taken by us to recuperate - was accepted by the Fort Worth animal organization Animal Hope this afternoon. They're going to have their vet look at him, & while the space he's in isn't quite as large as our garage, it's far warmer, & once he's used to it, he'll get to move around a bit more. We'll go visit him until he's adopted - he's a good old tom & deserves to be the king of the household. I miss him & hate to go into the garage now.

Well, the story didn't have a happy ending.  The people at Animal Hope - who kept insisting that they were the only "no-kill" shelter in North Texas (which isn't true) & who gave us a nice note that read, "We promise we'll find a nice home for him" - tested him for FIV, found out that he was FIV positive, & planned to euthanize him.  Should I mention they would only accept him if I gave the organization a donation?  That we gave them a hundred bucks?  Should I also mention that the director of this "no-kill" shelter lectured me about how sometimes they have to kill animals?

In any event, I wasn't going to let him die.  I went to get him.  The same director actually complained that his staff should have made me sign papers to give ownership to the organization so I couldn't take him back & I guess their bloodlust was foiled.  They seemed to think I wanted to simply release him in the wild, despite my protestations to the contrary.

He came back home with us.  I had been telling his story on Next Door but chose not to continue there, mainly because of annoying personal emails I was getting.  But someone on that weird site had mentioned a place called Best Friends which took in FIV+ cats.  But they were way out in Utah, & I'm over here in Texas.  Not that I wouldn't drive to Utah, but I thought I'd better explore options close to home first.

Magda around this time renamed him Ziggy.  Sometime later his infection returned & he stopped eating.  My neighbor & I took him to a different vet & he got more antibiotics plus steroids.  He recuperated & was soon back to his lovable, often persnickety self.  He liked to bite me, he never broke the skin, but he would just walk up to me & bite me.  The truth is, he liked everyone else more than me.  Magda, my neighbor, the vet tech.  I was like the person who fed him & changed his litter but I got all the bites.

One of the places I spoke to, Texas Litter Control in Houston, gave me a ton of information about FIV+ cat sanctuaries (they have one) & I texted back & forth with a nice person there who asked me lots of questions about Ziggy.  That seemed to be his fate: an FIV positive cat sanctuary.  I figured it was probably the happiest outcome.

But then: Magda reached out to students at UNT & a graduate student showed interest.  He came over to meet him & was somewhat difficult to read.  He had never owned a cat before, but was, according to Magda, a smart & responsible student, & after a week or so he indicated he wanted to adopt Zig.

Last Saturday we took the cat over to the apartment.  The grad student had bought lots of food, bowls, a litter box, & a little cat hole thing that I guess Ziggy was supposed to sleep in.  Ziggy came in & promptly went under the sofa, but once I opened up some food, he came out to eat, & stayed around us the entire time, begging for love & exploring tentatively.  He didn't seem like a cat who'd lived outside most of his adult life.  He seemed like a cat who had come home.

It's been a few days & the grad student & I text often.  He tells me they've become "besties" & sent me the picture of the cat that graces this post - who's now named Vincent, by the way, you know, because of his bad ear - lazing with him on the floor.  The grad student has a patio that's enclosed so the cat can't get out, but Vincent has shown very little interest in going back out there.  Smart old thing!  He's put that life behind him.

You know, I had my first cat when I was close to the grad student's age, & I think cats are perfect pals for someone at that point in their lives: not terribly needy, comforting when you want it, cool if you're busy studying or what-not.  I've offered myself if he needs to go out of town, I'll gladly go over there to visit & change the litter & feed him.  I miss him terribly.

& there are issues - his bum ear, the remnant of a long-ago brawl, still bothers him, & he sometimes scratches it until it bleeds (!).  & of course there's the whole FIV situation - there's definitely heartbreak somewhere down the road.  (My first cat had feline leukemia.)

Still - Vincent is home now.  His wounds have almost completely healed, he's eating well, he gets sunlight & love.  It's by far the happiest ending to this story that could possibly be.

New Post Who Dis?

Oh shit it's the end of the day & I haven't written anything.  Maybe I'm afraid you haven't forgiven me for my self-indulgent birthday show?  If it helps, on my birthday night, the moon turned red.  I'm sure I'll be talking about that with my therapist for, well, moons & moons.

There's also an update about the cat who lived in my garage but I'm way behind with gathering stuff for the Tuesday Morning Blend tomorrow.  I'm also rather tired.

Can I get a raincheck on today's blog post?  Or is that how it works.  Maybe I should give you a rain check.  It occurs to me that I didn't know why we called rain checks rain checks.  There used to be a store near where we lived called TG&Y & I remember my mother wanting something that wasn't in store & being offered a rain check.  She refused, & I asked her what a rain check was & she said she didn't know but it probably would cost her more money if she took it.  I wonder if she ever found out what it was.

Anyway, here's what the Wikipedia says about the origin of the phrase: "Since at least 1870, baseball teams would reissue tickets in case of postponement due to rain, which became known as rain checks."  Fascinating how a baseball term found its way into five & dime stores, & grocery stores, & all manner or places.

This, this is why I don't get anything done!  My brain is a sprawling mess.  Well, maybe tomorrow there'll be some focus.  But.  Don't count on it.