Jesus Answered Letters On Thursdays

It's true, look at II Carpathians 3:14 to 5:13 (inclusive).

Today's letter doesn't really make a lot of sense unless you're really drunk on cough syrup & then try to revive yourself by doing twelve espresso shots in a row. So do that, then read this:

GARY!
yoou wanted me to write ---- i saw ON your blog --! tell me all about yourself --!-- i dont live in AUSTIN so your station is a ??mystery??-!--- do you PLAY music or is your shoow FOR peoople?-?---!-- is THIS the sort of questioon you like US to ask you?-----becayse I can't think oof ANYTHING MORE!---
--from C in COLORADO---

The writer's name is not a single letter. I just abbreviated it because I didn't know how many people in Colorado had a name that started with the letter C. That way you can only guess who it is. You'll never be sure.

Unless you know someone who uses that many dashes in their email. That's intriguing. I must start doing that. I'll probably start doing that. I swipe weird written habits sometimes without thinking about it. Just because it looks neat. Although I'll need to study this writer's ways a little more first. I'd hate to do it wrong.

To respond to the email:

I can't tell you all about myself in this short space, but I can recommend you try to find my OTHER blog (& no, not the one on my embarrassing myspace page), which is much more confessional & contains my unfinished philosophical treatise, I'm Really Sorry, Can I Try Again?. (Now that I think about it, the title of that is ironical. Who knew?) I keep that blog a secret, primarily because of the popularity of a blog I am about to start, one that chronicles the war on sailing. That blog, for better or worse, will make me a household name.

My show is a musical show, but it's also for people. I regularly lament the fact that a lot of radio shows these days are not for people. The number of radio shows for zombies & robots has increased exponentially, & indeed, my own radio station has at least two shows for zombies. (Robots occasionally stop by, especially when they hear the word "programmer," but so far only a couple of KOOP shows have courted robot listeners. This is because robots have a lot of money. Zombies hardly ever have any money, & when they do, they eat it.)

& by the way - just because zombies used to be people doesn't mean they are now. So they can enjoy their "morning zoo crew" all they want, but no people listen to that - & if they do, it'll turn them into zombies.

Finally, those questions are the sorts of questions I like to be asked, yes. Luckily for you, I am capable of answering those sorts of questions with completely different responses every time they are asked. So please, write again. At some point, one of my answers will satisfy you.

& now, a "Song Of The Day". I was listening (as I do) to T Rex, specifically this probably redundant collection I got called T Rex Rocks! & figured I'd share. This appears to be the only "alternate version" on the collection, so maybe it's new to you. It's Rock On, & you can listen to it by clicking the song's name. You may continue rocking until March 22, when I will remove the mp3. Whether you continue to rock after that is up to you.

Tomorrow's show is all about bands I like who are coming to town for an obscure music festival we have every March. Tune in tomorrow at 4:30 pm!

Whither SXSW 2007?

Welcome to the 100th post of my Self Help Radio blog! It's such a special occasion I've made this entire entry out of cheese.

This week's show is my recommendations for bands that are playing "South By Southwest." I am playing bands I like. If you choose to go to see them, fine. Just don't mention me. Bands don't like that I like them. I'm not "cool" enough for them. My "ego" is not "strong" enough to take their "abuse." So let's let the fact that I like them & they'll be in town just be our little secret.

In fact, I won't really be involved in the music side of "South By Southwest" at all. I'll instead be involved in the custodial side. You guessed it - I was able to pay the outrageous ten dollar fee to get an official "South By Southwest" dustpan & broom. It's sad, they strap them to your wrist & you can't take them off until after the festival. I'm so excited by this - every morning around five am I get to go out & clean up after partyers & bands!

"South By Southwest Custodial" is a big step forward for me, & I like the way they sell it. Did you see the bullet points on the brochure? Here are highlights:

* Clean up after the famous & not-very-famous alike!
* Get lots of exercise in a stale-beer-smelling environment!
* Find out secrets of the famous & not-so-famous - like whether they can hold their liquor & what they had for dinner - by hosing vomit off of bar floors!
* All guitar picks, jewelry, money & drugs you find you get to keep! Teeth & limbs must be returned to their owners.

So you & I may not cross paths during the festival, but every time you spill a beer - every time you crush a cigarette under your shoe - every time you take a leak backstage - think of me.

Hey! Here's a "Song Of The Day". It's by DJ Yoda, a turntablist whose work I enjoy & from whose mix tapes I've stolen samples, from his record last year called The Amazing Adventures Of DJ Yoda, which was good but not great. Here's a track, featuring the Jungle Brothers. It's called Playin' Around & you should click on it & celebrate this blog's 100th post. It'll remain here till March 21, 2007, at which point I'll have finished this blog's 200th post. (Wait. What?)

Hooray! 100 posts! Someone get me a cheese shredder & we can eat!

Preface To SXSW2007: Where's The Line Start?

I confess that, though I have lived in Austin for seven hundred years (this September), I have only taken part in "South By South West" a couple of times. I kind of wish I had been a part of it back when it was surely more personal & fun - when a wristband went for a few bucks & when a local band really could count on it as a chance to showcase their skills. Now it feels like a Hollywood awards show - pre-scripted, down to the winners. Of which, heavy sigh, I am not one. Or else I'd doubtless feel differently.

But I play my part. I play songs from bands I like on my show. I make it to day shows (since I can't afford the pound of flesh it takes to get a wristband, &, even if I could, I never pay any attention to the deadlines for purchasing such things) if there's something I want to see, & I feel a little envious when people flaunt their gift bags, their amazing stories ("& then, from out of nowhere, BOB DYLAN stepped onstage & took a shit on the audience!") & the general starfucking that some of my friends like to engage in, for whatever reason (true admiration, ambition, a weird desire to fuck the almost famous).

My envy isn't really, "Gosh I wish I had been there to do that!" It's more, "Gosh I wish I had the energy & desire, the drive, the actual wherewithal, to go out & do shit like that." I'm not made like that - perhaps I never was. & having gone through the snail pantomime that is Customs at Gatwick, I have no desire to wait in any long lines for the time being. Also, I don't smoke anymore - what the hell do you do in a line when you can't smoke?

If you're coming to town for "South By South West," I hope you have fun. Just remember to listen to me on the radio. You don't need a wristband & I always delight. When I am not irritating. Or pouting.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is a sweet shy boy song from The Legendary Jim Ruiz Group that I found on a collection put out by Chickfactor & released a few years ago called All's Fair In Love & Chickfactor. The song is called Ariel, & you can click its name to hear the song. The mp3 will stay right here until March 20, 2007, at which point it'll disappear.

Tomorrow: my one hundredth post here. There will be blood.

This Monday Haiku Wrap Up Is Full Of Feist

I hid all last week & no one found me. That makes you "It." Ha!

Here are the winners of the hiding haiku contest - I hope their prizes find them. If you want to write a haiku to be read on the air, just be aware that the theme this week is South By Southwest. Write away! We list the winners from fourth place to first:
FOURTH PLACE: Rick

I was underground
But not hidden, just searching
Looking for my roots

THIRD PLACE: Tanya

Is it called hiding
When I spend time all alone
With guilty pleasures?

SECOND PLACE: Stewart

The sky masked with clouds
Concealing terrible night
Hiding the new moon

FIRST PLACE: Patricia

Watch love stowaway
In the great cruise of your life
Then fall overboard

Did we have a limerick? We did!

In the old Scottish River called Clyde
There beasties are said to be spied
No matter your wishes
‘Tis certain they’re vicious
Your hide it is best that ye hide.

Thanks all! You don't need to hide any more!

Two things:

1) Last Friday's show about hiding has been digitized & can be listened to if you missed. Just go to this page & consume it all up.

2) Today's "Song Of The Day" is from the Smithsonian set American Musical Theater: Shows, Songs & Stars, Vol. 2 & is a song from Lady In The Dark, from the original run & sung by the wonderful Gertrude Lawrence. It's the darkly comic song
Jenny, & clicking on it will show you that you need to learn the song's lesson about making up your mind. I'll leave it here for two weeks, until March 19, 2007.

Tomorrow: there's a music festival coming to Austin. Why do I care?

A Friday Frolic

Nothing much to note... I have to do a show today... It's about hiding...

Are you excited about South By Southwest? I'm doing a show about it next week, & looking over the bands, there aren't many bands I'm too crazy about seeing. I'm be interested in hearing what everyone wants to see. It seems to me that it's not that great a line-up this year.

I came here to contine the "Song Of The Day", where I have shared with you the first five of the my world-famous Indiepop A To Z collection. I'll continue in a couple of months when I have another Indiepop A To Z show. But today is an band called Accrington Stanley (apparently named after an English Football Club) who were featured on the third volume of the essential Sound Of Leamington Spa collections. It's called The New Me & it will turn you into a new man, especially if you're a woman. Click on the song to make it go. It'll be available till the week of March 19, 2007, when I will take it down & make it feel bad for being so downloadable.

Listen at 4:30 today! There are giveaways & stuff. I will personally hide all during the show!

A Letter. An Answer. A Thursday.

Is it really Thursday? I feel like I am deserved at least two more nights' sleep. Oh! But I get paid today. Ah yeah.

This strange email came to me earlier this week:

Hello Mr Gary
I need to know your full name for a project I am working on. Not your middle name if you don't have one but your full name. You don't say your full name on the air like other ko-op dj's do. Thank you.

A project you are working on? Is that what they call identity theft these days? (I have written this person back about this "project," but so far she has not responded. If I find out - & before it ends up on the Sci-Fi Channel - I'll be sure to let you know what it was.)

I guess the worst thing about identity theft would be if a person stealing my identity could do a better job with it than I do.

I also wonder why people call me "Mr. Gary"? I know, it beats being called "dude," but it's strange - people at the station call me that, as does one of my cats. Do I seem like a "Mr Gary"? Not a "Dr Gary"? Or a "Professor Gary"? Hmmph!

I don't suppose it's any secret - the name is all over the KOOP website, since I maintain their mailing lists & am on the Programming Committee - but my name is Gary Dickerson. I guess I don't use my full name on the air since there aren't any other Garys at KOOP. Nor shall I allow there to be.

My middle name died a miserable death just out of high school. It kind of suffocated when I forgot all about it. I've tried to add new middle names, but, alas, no name can apparently live between my first & last names. Sad.

Tune in tomorrow! A show about hiding! You can listen in seclusion! No one will ever know!

Ah, the "Song Of The Day". More Indiepop A To Z. This would be the fourth song as the list goes. It's by the Swedish folk pop band Able from their record Prestigeless Lovesounds. It's called I Was So In Love (& Now I Don't Know Why), & it's by far the poppiest thing I've heard by them. Click on the name to listen. & listen before the week of March 19, 2007 - I'll leave it up till then.

Listen tomorrow or I'll find where you hide!

Whither Hiding?

I remember the day I got a copy (which cost me three dollars in nickels & four hundred saved wrappers of beef jerky - & believe me, my entire bedroom smelled like an abattoir by the time I saved up four hundred of those plastic casings) of the Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek. My friends had been debating those rules for some time, including what true & eternal rights are granted when one is "it" as well as the boundaries of where it was proper to "hide." Though we didn't have the "internet" then, we certainly knew how to make shit up, so all summer long we argued & cajoled &, even though some of us had by that time discovered masturbation, we spent long afternoons debating the rules of what we truly thought was the ultimate in childhood games.

The Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek was first published in London in 1745 by a distant ancestor of the actor Martin Sheen. Strangely enough, the writer was also a distant ancestor of George Gobel, but there is no evidence that Martin Sheen & George Gobel are related. Suffice it to say it was very difficult being British in 1745. (1746, however, was apparently a very good year for being British.) The writer's name was Edmund "Fancy Pants" Mathersbykite. A shy & reserved son of a diseased earl, Mathersbykite was tortured by his older siblings with their capriciousness as regards childhood games. Indeed, Mathersbykite's oldest sibling, Clive, is credited with being not only the creator of dodgeball, but also the first person to be hanged for killing someone in a dodgeball game. Young Edmund grew up furious with the way his brothers & his sister seemed incapable of consistency in any single game. If Edmund had not been blessed with obsessive/compulsive disorder (in those days known as "being prissy"), he might not have been able to bring any sort of sense to childhood games.

Two earlier treatises, "The Importance Of Falling Down When You've Been Shot" & "No Take Backs," were written while he was locked in a closet during a game of hide & seek that was a pretext for cruelty. They were self-published when Edmund was seventeen, but were lost when his sister said she wanted to read every copy to tell him what she thought but instead used them for toilet paper for the family manor in Wales. Perhaps because sadism he was subjected to when the game of hide & seek was played, Edmund turned his attention to that subject. He would spend nearly the rest of his life defining the game. Which sounds impressive, except he was killed when he was twenty-two by his younger brother Canute when their kite strings got tangled & Canute angrily wrapped Edmund in the strings. A gust of wind & some nearby cliffs spelled the end for the great rules maker about whom Hoyle once said, "Edmund who?"

As a child, I found The Official Rules Of The Game Of Hide & Seek to be a strangely long book (seventeen hundred pages) & suprisingly free of pictures. It was also filled with footnotes in Greek. In addition, Mathersbykite's tendency to write in iambic pentameter was a little off-putting, especially, as my friend Gus noted, "It don't rhyme." Nonetheless, I began the read the book &, after only a few pages, realized it was utterly worthless. My friends & I, totally bummed about having to return to school after wasting a summer worrying about the rules to a dumb game, beat each other up & went swimming.

I wouldn't have as much fun again until I became an adult & became embroiled in the war on sailing. But that's another story for a different time.

I hope you understand now why the theme of Self Help Radio this week is "hiding."

The "Song Of The Day": more Indiepop A To Z. Song # 3. By the Scottish indiepop group Aberfeldy. From their debut record Young Forever. It's called Vegetarian Restaurant & it's sweet & pretty. I'll remove it on or around March 14, 2007 - but probably later, since it'll be South By Southwest at the time & I probably won't be blogging much.

Preface To Hiding: How Not To Be Seen

Dude! It's my first embedded movie!



If that doesn't work, the video is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do6hTwZ6Un8.

I can't say more than the masters.

The "Song Of The Day" continues the very first Indiepop A To Z tracks I played. Number two is/was a song by the California indiepop group Aberdeen, who found their way to the legendary Sarah Records & then reemerged later in the 21st century to make more lovely music. This is an older track taken from the Sarah compilation Battery Point & it's called Fran. Click on the name to hear the song. It'll be here till March 13, 2007.

Tomorrow: why a show about hiding? What have I got to hide?

The Monday Haiku Wrap-Up Is Full Of Rue

It's true. I have become a myspace sellout. Please stay away from the Self Help Radio Myspace Page. Although you can hear my rad new radio show intro there.

Here are the winning haikus from last week's free for all. Not a one wrote a haiku about indiepop. That saddens me. This week's theme is "hiding." Don't Hide! Write a haiku instead!

FOURTH PLACE: Anthony

It is almost spring
Like a dark room where you wait
To yell out “surprise!”

THIRD PLACE: Barbara

Gary quit smoking
Just a few days after me
We miss it the same

SECOND PLACE: Andrew

I forget to touch
& leave crumpled in trashcans
Broken sidewalk dreams

FIRST PLACE: Maria

There are nine levels
Seventeen doors on each one
& no one has keys.

& the mystery limericksmith wrote this limerick for the show:

There once was a tomcat named Spike
Who’d sing from my fence every night
My friends would often say:
“You should shoo him away”
But he only sang songs that I liked!

Since the show last week was about Indiepop A To Z, & since it was seventh in an ongoing series, & since you probably weren't here when it started, I thought the "Songs Of The Day" this week would be the first five songs from the "Indiepop A To Z" collection. The first one is from Aarktica, from the album ...Or You Could Just Go Through Your Whole Life & Be Happy Anyway. It's the haunting Aura Lee. Click on it to listen. I'll leave it there until around March 12, 2007.

Tomorrow: I may hide, but I may also have hied.

A Friday Jaunt

Hey! Today the Indiepop list continues... I believe it's Indiepop A To Z # 7. Have I been writing it all wrong this week? What a weirdo. I'll start with the Boy Least Likely To... When will it end? Tune in to find out! That's 4:30 today. Be there or send me a card explaining why you couldn't make it & a little money for the tissues I had to buy when I missed you.

Did you notice there are more shows digitized? Did you miss them when they were first on? Or do you feel that, like episodes of Lost, you can listen to them again & again & find new clues to the mystery of me? Okay, that would be freaky. Flattering, but scary. Anyway, the two shows that I digitized for you are last week's show about Gin & the first show I did when I got back from Europe that I called the Brand New Show. Go listen to them if you know what's good for you. You heard me.

For the "Song Of The Day" today, here's a deejay mix/sampling piece of the kind I love so well by Innerstance.Beatbox (I believe the period between the name is required) from his record All Little Boys Do Silly Little Dances (they do!) called What Time Is It? (click the name to hear it). & no, I don't only like it because it samples Monty Python. I'll leave it up until March 9, 2007.

Listen today! I have made enough cookies for everyone!

If There Are Letters To Be Answered, By Gum I'll Answer Them

But there aren't. Am I no longer a mystery to you? Why don't you write me some email? I will respond in public like a minor celebrity!

Even better, why don't you take this survey about programming on KOOP? Make sure you say Self Help Radio is your favorite show. But otherwise, be honest about what you think - & you could win neat stuff too!

Today's "Song Of The Day" is heavily influenced by My Bloody Valentine & the band came into existence during their heyday, but the Swirlies have charms all their own. This song is a noisy pop gem from their record Blonder Tongue Audio Baton & is the wonderful song Pancake in honor of the lunch I had today. Mmmm. It's a delicious song, but its shelflife is two weeks - it won't be here after March 8, 2007.

Back to my indiepop list... I've removed British Sea Power - too late-period indie/postpunk - but I may add the truly postpunk stylings of Brian Brian... Let me listen to that again...

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 6?

This is a true story. I went to Germany in 1992 & for some reason I only took four or five mix tapes with me. As if, somehow, five times ninety minutes would last during the plane ride. I was a dork. The batteries in my Walkman lasted longer than those tapes. Anyway, I got very familiar with them & even today, if I happen to hear a song from those tapes, I will expect to hear the next song to play - even if I am listening to the original album the song is on. Those songs remind me of getting lost in Frankfurt, trying to ask for directions, staring at buildings that seemed to me older than time.

The point of this is that, on those five tapes, several songs recurred. I had made the tapes over the course of a couple of years & I always favored particular songs. It was annoying to hear them over & over in Germany, especially since they seemed out of place on every tape.

When I got back, I was like, Fuck this. I need a random song generator to make tapes for me. Since I didn't know how to build a random song generator, I simply began to look at my albums, cassettes & CDs & put the tracks in a long computer file & then, when that was completed (it took a while), I started at the a's & began to make mix tapes. I did this for several years & still have the tapes somewhere. I think I got to the m's. Most of those tapes are really fun to listen to, but since they're on cassettes, a format that's going to die sooner than later, they'll probably never be used again. I stopped making the tapes probably just a couple years after I started - but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

So, too, the idea, when I started on Self Help Radio back when it was an hour, of occasionally dipping into the OCD side of me (with help from the bands list at twee.net) to attempt the impossible - to play as many indiepop songs from a to z as I could in my lifetime. So, according to this playlist here, I did three shows on Self Help Radio in 2003. For some reason, it didn't feel right, & when I was talking to Jennifer of Ear Candy, we sort of agreed it would fit better on Ear Candy. So, around 2004 or so, when I subbed Ear Candy, or when Jennifer didn't have anything else to do, we started. You can hear five of those shows linked on my archive page. As I said yesterday, I don't know why I never archived the first show. It may not have been recorded.

Jennifer seemed exasperated at continuing (you can hear her as we muddle through the b's) so I figured I'd let it die quietly. But then, a couple of months ago, I was like, No. It's a fun idea, it's just weird enough to work toward, & indiepop sounds really good when you play a bunch of it together. Playing indiepop, indie-influenced stuff, & the influences themselves sound cool. & I confess I like how a list can sound as good as it does.

Just please don't ask me to do the same thing with garage rock or electronica. My head would explode. But do expect me to continue with this throughout 2007. Let's see how far we go.

Over on that same archive page, you can see I've digitized a couple of shows from January. Interested in Owls? What about what I liked from 1971? Well, if you missed the shows, they are there for your consumption. Have fun!

What? You expect a "Song Of The Day"? How about this retro-sounding gem from the Radio Dept.? I like this song a little too much. It's called The Worst Taste In Music & clicking on the name will let you hear it. It's from their record of last year called Pet Grief, which should have made my best of but I must've forgotten about it. I won't forget to remove the mp3 two weeks from today, on March 7, so get it now!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 6: What Happened To The First Five?

What is this thing called "indiepop"? Is it more "indie" than "pop"? Is it something, like "God," which is defined by the likes & dislikes of the believer?

You can read this article called "Twee As Fuck" on Pitchfork if you want to read someone's definition of indiepop, as well as a lot of names dropped to give you context. Since I'm not going to try to define "indiepop" here, I also probably won't drop many names. In fact, I'll just completely cop out & repeat Justice Potter Stewart's remark about pornography but in an indiepop context: I know it when I hear it.

But I also hear a lot more than a single genre when I listen to music. I hear musical influences - like, "Say, does the Blondie song 'Denis' sound like a Buddy Holly song?" or "Doesn't that Elvis Costello song sound like a slowed-down version of the Stones' 'The Last Time'?" - & I also pay attention to the subject matter. I'm a sucker (as everyone knows) for songs about relationships starting & relationships falling apart. I like clever wordplay. I like songs that are fast & jangly. It turns out these three things describe a lot of indiepop, so I gravitated at some point toward indiepop.

Friends often tell me the one thing they don't like about indiepop is that it sounds happy while the lyrics are sad & sappy. I totally dig that. How great to dance to something that's completely broken-hearted! What, you've never danced to "Love Will Tear Us Apart"? & no, that's not indiepop. That's postpunk. Do you need a checklist?

Although, having said that, a lot of indiepop is more affected than natural, which should disqualify it I suppose - "It's not real!" - but the sound - the sound of indiepop - much like a lot of retro music or electronica - even if it doesn't have the soul or feeling behind it - the sound is enjoyable enough. Some of the singers may annoy, some my cloy, some may be talentless & have strange speech impediments, but if the sound is indiepoppy, it'll sound good.

Most of all, indiepop reminds me of being young. It reminds me of a time when I believed in love & when I could still feel in love & I could still feel heartbroken. Nowadays those feelings, if I stumble upon them, feel like echoes of sounds I haven't heard for years. Except when they're in indiepop songs. Then they make complete sense, & I feel them anew.

What I've written above is what my brain says when I ask it, "What is indiepop?" Typically, it's not a definition, it's just a shuffling of observations. That's what my brain does when you ask it that kind of question. Just never never never ask it, "What is the color green?" I've lost an entire weekend to questions like that before.

The "Song Of The Day" is not indiepop. It's New Wave, which I seem to find myself listening to at work a lot, although while I was writing this, I was listening to Starlet, which is indiepop. Never mind. This song is by the Japanese New Wave band (much beloved by Devo & David Byrne, among others) called the Plastics. It's from their self-titled record & it's the song Robot. Click on the name to hear it. The song is in no way an endorsement of robots. They want to destroy all humans, so we must guard against them. But it's okay to hear a song about them. I'll remove it on March 6, 2007, before a robot removes me.

Tomorrow: a brief history of obsessive-compulsion.

Barkeep, I'll Have A Gin & Wrap-Up

What if I never mentioned gin ever again? Wouldn't that be WEIRD? What if I couldn't mention something I did a show about, like my show had this totally great power to wipe things from the earth once my show covered them? Wouldn't that be WEIRDER? Also, it'd be handy. Certain powerful people would no longer exist. & a couple of snotty businesses, too, I'll tell you.

I confess I did the gin show sober, but the folks who won the haiku contest were completely blitzed. Utterly stinko. The haikus reeked of quinine. & you know what that means - tonic. Here are the winners, from fourth to first:

FOURTH PLACE: Sue

She drinks her gin slow
Holds the glass up to the light
It looks full of tears

THIRD PLACE: Conrad

God you stink of gin
Like you passed out in the leaves
Of the forest floor

SECOND PLACE: Lawrence

A drink, a card game,
A machine to pick cotton,
A pretty girl’s name

FIRST PLACE: Lou

Passive-aggressive
This dry, bitter alcohol
Bottle of date-rape

& was there a limerick from the Mysterious Limericker? There was! It went like so:

There once was a world-renowned sinner
Who’d share his advice with beginners:
“Don’t help out your brothers -
To do unto others,
You must be a tonic & ginner!”

Or weren't you listening? For shame!

This week, I'll be continuing a series I started with Jennifer over on Ear Candy, but which I didn't follow up on for all of 2006. It'll be the infamous attempt to play Indiepop A To Z. This week I'll talk a little of my obsessive-compulsive desire to make these kinds of lists & all that. Maybe you could go listen to episodes 2 through 5 over here. I never digitized the first one for some weird reason. I should do that. If I can find it.

But it means that there isn't a specific theme for a haiku this week, so why not just write a haiku on anything? Here's some possible subjects: the war on sailing, earwax, confidentiality agreements, how you feel at 3:23 am when you're accidentally awakened by your cat crawling between you & your girlfriend under the covers, whatever happened to softcore porn, eating & running, Roy Lichtenstein, the last telephone booth you ever saw, the difference between Kentucky Fried Chicken & KFC, mannequins, Jack Kirby's OMAC series, what happened when you were thirteen, all the violence in that Blood Meridian book & how you still dream about it, ditto in HBO's "Rome," words like cantillation & how to use them more in everyday life, Gary Larson's "The Far Side" - funny or really fucking funny?, gin (in case you just thought of something), & possibly a haiku about haiku writing.

There are some ideas. Surely you have one or two of your own.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is by the strange, brilliant Moondog, from his sometimes too gorgeous 1969 record Moondog. I had been familiar with his more jazzy stuff, so this record took me completely by surprise. This is the piece called Symphonique #3 (Ode To Venus), & you may consider it a late Valentine's Day present. Click on the name, hear the gorgeous song. Listen to it every day until March 5, 2007, when I will replace it with a glass of gin haikus.

A Friday Ramble

It's cold in Austin. It's not New Hampshire cold or anything, but it's cold. Cold enough to catch cold. Since I quit smoking, I've gotten two colds, & they were of the "ow ow my sinuses hurt" variety. I never got that when I was a smoker. An EMT friend of mine once told me that it's common among medical types to note that smokers don't get colds as often as non-smokers, & she (at least) attributed it to the smoking. "But," she said, "if it kills the common cold, what else do you think it does to you?" I miss smoking in ways that I couldn't imagine, but I'm done, so I'll sniffle instead.

Today's show is about gin but I haven't had a drink in a week. Although I do plan to talk in a fakey drunk voice during the show. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. At least once I will do it. Ha!

I will also play a song by local depressive Luna Tart. She had an intermediary send me a song of hers that she didn't write for the show but that the show reminded her of. I can't resist her. If I attempt to, she sends her car & makes me watch Leni Riefenstahl movies with her all night long. I can handle her tears, I just can't handle all the mascara.

Other than that, it's just a gin show. I hope future generations will make a drinking game out of it.

& the "Song Of The Day"? Let's make it a funky instrumental. We'll take something from the guitarist Eddy Senay, off of the recently released collection Soul Preachin', which basically collects his two early 70's records. The song is called Zambezi, & yes, it's a cover of the Donny Hathaway tune, & you can click on the name to hear the song. It'll be there till March 2, 2007.

Tune it at 4:30 today, you lush. The show will be intoxicating.

Must... Answer... Letters...!

Do you want to ask me something? It's easy to just click here & write me an email. Are you afraid to ask me? Do you think I'll stink of gin? Ha! I smell of Chloroseptic!

But Harry wasn't afraid to ask. He writes:

Hello GARY
I've listened to your show all since summer, since I drive home on Fridays. What happened to Erin or Errin, the girl who talked with you through the fall? I thought she was great.

Ah, Erin, they miss you.

Well, Erin is alive & well & has not, so far as I know, driven south to live with penguins in Belize (as she has oftened told me she wants to do). Instead, she, as a trainee in KOOP's training program, has finished her apprenticeship with me, &, unfortunately, had to enter rehab. (Okay, that last part's not true.) I hope Erin will apply for her own show on KOOP, but she's always welcome back to Self Help Radio, since she always remembered to bring the bottle opener. My teeth suffer.

I hope you've noticed (have you?) that I've started to digitize my shows again. If you visit the Self Help Radio Archive Page you'll find both last week's show (about crushes) & the previous week's show (about mistakes) ready for your listening pleasure. Download them wildly.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is from the occasionally brilliant side project of the Creation Records gang called the Revolving Paint Dream from their record Mother Watch Me Burn. It's a lovely slice of translated psychedelic pop called (Burn This House) Down To The Ground & clicking on it gets a listen from you. It'll be listenable until March 1, 2007. Viva!

I'll see you tomorrow - it's a show about gin!

Whither Gin?

Happy Valentine's Day. I got the sniffles.

I confess I'm not fond of gin. I like to drink whiskey, either blended or single malt. I could drink it every day if I could drink it in moderation, but, alas, I like to drink a lot of it. My problem (if you want to call it that) is like that of someone who can't just have a bite of chocolate, or who can't eat just one potato chip. Also, I like to be drunk.

Gin is a different beast. It's a pretty good mixer with fruity or sweet stuff, which makes it great for those who are either very feminine or who have a well-developed feminine side (like the British). It's clear so it seems harmless, but people who understand liquor know that's the true danger: clear liquids hurt the most the next day. I myself have never really had incredibly cheap gin (for some reason, when people want to buy incredibly cheap booze, it's usually vodka - why is that?), but I have had different brands & none of them seem extra special. Its dryness is its most obvious charm.

So why do a show about it, then?

I think it goes back to the blues show I did about alcohol back in 2005. I called it the Labor Day Alcoholiday & I focused (obviously) on songs about the drinking. You wouldn't think that blues songs would contain so many references to alcohol. I was shocked. I thought most blues songs were about paintings. But no! There are lots of songs about alcohol! The next thing you'll tell me, then, is that blues singers were famous drinkers. Sheesh.

It stayed in the back of my mind, as a lot of stuff does (the back of my mind looks like a stinky, damp warehouse collecting nonsense for 39 long years), & I said to myself, probably while drunk (on whiskey, no doubt), "I should do a show about an alcoholic beverage!" & the first thing that came to my mind was gin. Really, it was between that & rum. I was at the time completely incapable of thinking of any word of longer than three letters. & "rye" at that time was a kind of bread.

Whether you like gin or not, however, you'll like the show. It'll make you feel all intoxicated but there'll be no hangover.

Here's a romantic "Song Of The Day" for you from the Mr T Experience about dealing with a break-up, which I'll probably have to do today since I didn't buy my girl any flowers. It's from their 1995 record ...And The Women Who Love Them & it's called Now That You Are Gone. Click on the name to listen to it, & listen to it every day until February 28, 2007, because that's when it'll go away.

Preface To Gin: An Unofficial History Of Drunken Blogs

They say - they say - that gin was invented by Dutch people in the 1600s. Some people have even said it was at around ten in the morning. Smart asses. How could the world have lived for so long without gin? & really - the Dutch? If so, why doesn't gin taste like cheese? (Although, now that I think about it, gin does taste like clogs.)

They say - they again - that Thomas Jefferson invented the blog in 1943. I believe that shit. I believe that I have read email between Lincoln & Douglas. I believe that robots control every major artificial cheese-making facility not owned by Kraft. (I believe Kraft is run by zombies.)

Thomas Jefferson, as has been previously noted by famous liars like the King & the Cartoon Bob Dylan, was a notorious drinker. That guy could guzzle gin like no one before or since. Long after he invented the blog, while he was patiently waiting for the internet to exist so he could touch up his Wikipedia entry with lies about his sexual prowess & the color of his hair, Jefferson would drink lots of gin & write, write, write. Among the most famous things he wrote while completely smashed on gin were blogs entitled: "The Declaration Of Intoxication," "The Tyranny Of The Hangover," "Why Don't I Follow Roadie Rules?", "I Am Democratically Drunk, Motherfucker," & the much-forwarded "John Adams Lives! But His Liver Is Completely Dead!"

Jefferson was a remarkable example to many of his contemporaries, so why didn't blogging catch on for over fifty years? I suspect it had to do with the fact that Jefferson couldn't spell to save his life while he was drunk. Many of his much-read blog pieces now have been copy-edited, to save him embarrassment. But it took the Lush Writings Of Jefferson Project in 2001 to bring his true genius to light. Now sober, Jefferson has disowned much of what he wrote, & continues to insist he's dead despite my beliefs.

Here's your "Song Of The Day", mistrustful ones.

It's by the amazing Josef K from the 1987 collection Young & Stupid. (Interestingly, in 1987 I was in fact young & stupid. I believe Josef K had my number. I still do.) It's the hyperactive song Heaven Sent & it should rock you in a postpunky way. Click on the name to download, & do so before February 27, because then it will go away.

Tomorrow: though it's Valentine's Day, I'll focus on gin. As it should be.

Crushing On Haikus & Wrapping Them Up

Like one of those people who keep the photo that came with the wallet, I always want to fill in blanks with the suggestions next to the blanks. For example, in the blogger window where I type, there's an option to "label" a post. The choices it gives you are: scooters, vacation, fall. I want so badly to put those labels on every post I write. Strooth.

Everyone was in the Valentine's spirit & was totally loving on me Friday, but there are only four haiku winners per show, & those winners are below, from fourth place to first:

FOURTH PLACE: Marcia

She knows it’s bad taste
To reveal you have a crush
In a bad haiku

THIRD PLACE: Jon

Too, too ecstatic
Heart & art, a crush on you,
Schoolboy to schoolgirl

SECOND PLACE: David

Am too old to crush
What love from gay youth remains
You can’t crush from me

FIRST PLACE: Kate

Tripped up, flattened, love
Head over heels over head
Crushed by your crushing

The Mystery Limericker continued to produce limericks for the show. Here's the one he sent for a show about Crushes:

There once was a stinky old lush
Whose drinking had made his face blush
“But it ain’t alcohol,”
He’d explain with a drawl,
“On cheap wine I have a big crush!”

He'll have a chance to continue to explore an alcoholical theme, because this week's show will be about gin. Bitter, dry gin. Gives you one hell of a hangover gin. Delicious when mixed with fruity or sweet drinks gin. Gin. You should write a haiku about this libation. Or perhaps you can send me a request for a song about gin. Or, if you're in a band, you could write a song about gin & I'll play it on the show! So many ways to be involved. We'll need lots of crushed ice.

This "Song Of The Day" has nothing to do with gin, except perhaps that it goes well with it. It's from a so-so remix collection from last year called Future Retro 80's: Alternative Classics Remixed & it contains a Sparks remix of a Morrissey song from his first solo record. This is one of my favorite kinds of remix - one that simply chops up the song & repeats its parts while adding a beat. It's like a musical dissection. So, without any further ado, here's Suedehead (The Sparks Remix). Click on it to hear all six & a half minutes of its glory. I'll leave it here till February 26.

Tomorrow: I drink a lot of gin & then write a short story for you.

It's Finally A Friday Again - Buy Me A Drink

Nothing to say right now except LISTEN TO SELF HELP RADIO TODAY. I'll be there from 4:30 to 6:00pm & the show's all about crushes. If you've ever had a crush - or if you want a crush - or if you currently have a crush - this is the show for you.

Since I'm here, let's have a "Song Of The Day".

This isn't really a song. This is a bit of chaos from the unbelievably great Firesign Theatre. It's a piece from a record called Pink Hotel Burns Down that collects outtakes & unfinished business. In fact, this track is the beginning of a project they never concluded, & it shows how their crazy brilliance shines even in leftovers & incompletes. It's the title track - The Pink Hotel Burns Down - & you can click on the name to get the song. I'll remove it from here on February 23, 2007.

Come visit me today on the radio, or, if you're a computer geek, listen online at koop dot org!

Shall I Answer A Letter? I Shall Answer A Letter!

Just sitting here, sleepily listening to Syd Barrett, ready to go home, about to gather my show for tomorrow, hoping you'll listen because I do it for you, I reach into the mailbag & find this email:

gary, do you get lots of reguests for show themes and if so can i suggest one. one about the circus would be fun. or clowns. thanks.

Believe it or not, I don't get a lot of requests for shows (I assume the writer meant "request" - I don't know what "reguest" means - could it be like "regifting" except with radio show guests?). I think I may be a little unapproachable. Or people are happy with what I choose. Or no one really cares. Because no one is listening.

I like the idea about a show about clowns, though. I will keep it in mind. It should be fun to put together, & then I'll use it to scare children with. Also, some adults.

Since I am listening to the late, great Syd Barrett, why not share a song of his with you for the "Song Of The Day"? How about this track from his second record, Barrett called Baby Lemonade? If so, click on it to listen to it. I'll remove it February 22, 2007.

I don't know if anyone's ever counted, but a lot of bands took their names from Syd Barrett's songs. Baby Lemonade has been the name of two bands: one from Scotland (who released a single called "Secret Goldfish," which became the name of another band) & a decidedly less interesting band from Los Angeles.

Whither Crushes?

I know it sounds fey & coy & totally indiepoppy, but I've always loved the word "crush." Quite possibly because crushes were my sole romantic experience from the moment I first wanted to make out with girls until I made out with a girl when I was eighteen. (Gasp! Gary had his first kiss at eighteen! Maybe that's why he's still a virgin!) Crushes didn't go away, of course - crushes are like the first step toward falling in love, but since that step is a doozy, most of the time you don't take it. A crush is therefore usually ephemeral.

The reason I decided to do a show about crushes is twofold. One is that I usually do a special Valentine's Day show with some kind of aspect of love involved - although I am usually a little cynical (I did a "hate" show in 2005, for example, &, although it never aired because of the fire last year, I prepared a break-up show for 2006). What I had planned to do this time last year, but I jumped the gun in did last July, was a Cupid show. Why I did it then I don't know - it was a hell of a show. You should go listen to it right now.

Forced to confront my own negativity, & needing a show for Valentine's Day, I found myself desert-dry & unable to think of anything really worth doing. Then I noticed a pretty girl wandering by on one of the last autumn days when I was still a smoker, on one of those long-gone smoke breaks that I used to enjoy (sigh). I realized I was totally crushing on her, & it occured to me that, as a faithful lover to a beautiful woman for almost six years, a woman I hope to spend the rest of my life with, a woman I have no interest in betraying or otherwise hurting with a meaningless fling, it occured to me that for a person in my position, crushes were really the only safe form of infidelity around. Because crushes are ultimately harmless, & utterly forgettable. I remember, for example, having this idea - relationship dude can only have a crush - but I cannot for the life of me remember what the woman who inspired this idea looked like. In this story, in fact, I miss the cigarette most of all.

Ta-da! Crush is the theme for Self Help Radio this week, & now you know why.

Todays "Song Of The Day" is a crushworthy old-skool hip-hop song that my iPod chose to "randomly" play for me twice the last couple of days. It's by a more or less obscure 80s group called Whistle (featuring members with names like Jazzy Jazz, Kool Doobie, Kraze & DJ Silver Spinner) (at the time there was a lot of speculation that Michael McDonald was the real name of Kool Doobie) (we had a lot of time for speculation in those days) & I like the song because of the odd noises in it. The song is called (Nothing Serious) Just Buggin' & it's nothing serious, so stop buggin' & click on the name to listen to it. I'll leave it up till February 21, 2007.

Tomorrow, I answer a letter. I unlock your fetters. I pet an Irish Setter. I knit a sweater. I get to know you better. Because you're a go-getter.

Preface To Crushes: Do You Even Celebrate Valentine's Day?

I guess at some level Valentine's Day is icky. I mean, it has a grand old tradition - it happens on nearly the same date as the Lupercalia, much like Christmas & Easter find themselves on pagan dates, too. But since the mid-1950's, when basically everything in America became commodified, it's been one in another of commercial obligations - there are probably relationships out there that are ruined when a partner forgets Valentine's Day. Human beings love their arbitrary milestones.

I kinda miss being alone on Valentine's Day. It was an excuse to focus unhappiness & bitterness against not only crass Hallmarkism but also embarrassing public displays of affection & fidelity. Over on the Usenet group alt.angst, we used to call it Great Big Blowing Void day, or GBBV Day for short. Other people tediously shorten the date to its initials, VD, to show their dislike for it. (I wonder, did they give people penicillin as gifts? That would be funny.) It's an easy holiday to be negative about. I think I dislike both the negative reactions & the positive reactions to Valentine's Day.

Alas, I've been in a relationship for like six years now, so I won't be alone, although we don't really celebrate VD or GBBV Day or even Valentine's Day. We don't really celebrate Christmas either, now that I think about it. I should note, I say WE, because I do do a radio show with Christmas songs, & for a few years now, I have done shows about Valentine's Day. This year, for example, I'll focus on crushes. An aspect of relationships - or on the beginnings of relationships - or the hope for a relationship.

Why crushes? You should find out tomorrow.

I almost forgot! The "Song Of The Day"!

I've been enjoying the Rhino box set released last year called Rockin' Bones: 1950s Punk & Rockabilly, especially the more obscure stuff. I picked out this song by native Texan Tom Tall since it approximates some of the problems a deejay can have, either while spinning or while trying to impress someone you want to love on. It's called Stack-A-Records, & clicking on the name there will let you listen to the mp3. Listen now, since I'll remove it February 20, 2007. Enjoy.

Mistakes Haiku Wrap-Up Plus

My girlie just had knee surgery so I believe the posts to the weblog will be a bit terse this week. My apologies. She needs me more than you do right now.

Here are the winners of the haiku contest for this week, from fourth place to first. Congrats all!

FOURTH PLACE: Birdy

Sitting, wondering
Are haikus real poetry
Or simply mistakes?

THIRD PLACE: Jeff

He needed a word
To say after his mistakes
He used up “sorry”

SECOND PLACE: Jenn

Forgetting is sad
But to forget to age is
A mistake I’ll make

FIRST PLACE: Will

Keep count of screw ups
Frame & display them at home
Better than trophies

& the Mysterious Limerick Writer has written another limerick for Self Help Radio. It goes like this:

There once was a bearded old baker
We knew as a clumsy mistaker
He’d commonly utter
When leaving out butter
“Bet you’re glad I’m not a car maker!”

For todays "Song Of The Day", I boldly post a bootleg. This is the demo version (produced by Brian Eno & Richard Williams) of a Television tune from 1974 from a wonderful record called Double Exposure. The song is Venus De Milo, & clicking on the name lets you listen to it. I've always loved this song, especially the line "I fell into the arms of Venus De Milo" - with Verlaine's weird pronunciation of the statue's name. Sigh. This mp3 will disappear from this site on February 19, 2007. Eat it quick.

This week's show will be my annual Valentine's Day show, this one about crushes. Find out why I have a crush on you tomorrow!

It's Thursday - Shall I Answer A Letter Today?

Boy, I would love to answer a letter today, really I would. It's just that no one has written me a letter. Well, except that person who writes me every other day to ask me if I'm bald. I fell for that once, fella. I'm not falling for that again...

All right, I'm not bald! Now leave me alone!

Grr, now he knows I'm insecure. Grrr.

I won't be able to write tomorrow because my beloved Magda is going to have knee surgery, & I'm going to be hanging out in the coolest place in the world (for catching diseases), the hospital, for most of the day. I'll disappear to do my show, but she'll be out of the OR by then & so hopped up on pain meds that she'll be discussing coevolution issues with the television & she'll not notice I'm gone. I can't tell you if any of the great contributors to Self Help Radio will be preparing a song about mistakes, since no one has so far. Maybe they'll do it by mistake. It's happened.

Those of you musical types reading this now & wondering about contributing to Self Help Radio may want to read this previous post of mine to learn how you can get your music played on the air. & for those of you who want to ask me a question, ask me a question. I answer them on Thursdays. Can it wait till Thursday? Only ask me questions that can wait till Thursday.

Or are you bored? Should I share with you a "Song Of The Day"?

Here's something you all know & love. By Iggy Pop. It's called I'm Bored from his record New Values. Click on the name to listen to it. Do it before February 15, 2007, as I'll be removing the mp3 then.

Listen tomorrow to Self Help Radio! I promise it won't be a mistake! I also promise it'll be a mistake!

Whither Mistakes?

Har har, someone over at the KOOP home page has written, in regards to my show this week: "Mistakes is the theme of this week's Self-Help Radio, hosted by a true expert on the subject, DJ Gary, Friday, 2/2, 4:30-6:00." Someone shall suffer for their impudence!

Or am I possibly doing a show about mistakes because I am the sort of person who is an expert on the subject? Or did I simply stumble on the idear of doing a show about mistakes by mistake? Make no mistake, there's a reason for a show about mistakes, & I'll get to the bottom of it. & I won't be mistaking some lame-ass "I don't know how I came up with it" commentary for a real explanation, no. This will be solid & satisfying, like a cold Snickers bar or like taking a dump in a hotel room in London.

But first: I pondered yesterday about the scale of what we might call "accidents" or "errors" or "getting something wrong," & said that I thought that mistakes were somewhere low on the list. But what is that list? Would it look something like this (from the most egregious to the least)?

Extinction
Genocide
War
Tragedy
Horrible Crime
Serious fuck up
Stupid motherfucking thing to do
Self-absorbed action
Mistake
Faux pas
Boo boo

I tried to make it so that the categories were more or less "things that can happen by human choice" rather than accidents, & I am know thinking, lots of times things get worse after someone makes a mistake. As an example: it was a mistake to vote for Hitler in 1933, & because lots of people in Germany made that mistake (which might well be classified as a stupid motherfucking thing to do), there was a genocide. So maybe mistakes are part of a continuum of action that, if left unchecked, can continue to snowball up the ladder of bad decisions until the worst possible thing can happen. I've even thought of an example:

Let's say you're a sad & lonely boy who's just discovered masturbation. You like it so much you're doing it until you're hurting yourself. That's a boo boo. However, you live in a culture that doesn't appreciate sexual exploration & definitely doesn't talk about it, so when you attempt to talk about it to your parents, they are horrified - what a faux pas! You're not without resources, though, &, as you've kept tickling your ivory, you find that your johnson's hurting more & even changing color. You know a friend who's more enlightened, whose dad is a doctor, & you know you can ask him. But you choose not to. A mistake!

All of this is culminating in a self-absorbed barrage of guilt & shame which, as you continue to watch the infection consume your man-parts, goes from stupid motherfucking thing to do up the ladder to serious fuck-up. You've so successfully kept it hidden from everyone, including your family, that when you start punishing women for your stupidity, you are able to do it without any suspicion being drawn your way (& rape & other forms of sexual abuse are horrible crimes). In fact, as you finish law school & start a career in public office, you find that power shields you from most forms of punishment, & by the time you're a rotted-dicked congressman in the House Of Representatives, you have zero qualms authorizing a president (who went from mistake to war in no time flat) to occupy another country as the cost of your own.

Of course, this is entirely fictitious, &, as far as I know, there are no Congressmen with completely dessicated penises. I was being hypothetical & I'm sorry if I offended anyone in the Senate or the House.

I do know why I am doing this show, however. It's because Magda & I listened to the Baxendale's You Will Have Your Revenge on the way to Dallas before we went to Europe & the song "(I've Blown It) Big Time" made me think, "I should do a show about dumb mistakes." It's as simple as that. I'm just glad I don't have to do a show about dumb motherfucking things to do. That could take a while.

Ah, the Song Of The Day!

This is a sweet & shambly soul number by a quartet called Johnson, Hawkins, Tatum & Durr from a neat collection of obscure soul singles from the early 1970s called Eccentric Soul, Volume 1: The Capsoul Label. I love music that sounds like it's held together almost entirely by the faith & will of the musicians & singers involved. The song is called "You Can't Blame Me", & clicking on the name will let you hear it. I will remove this mp3 on February 14, 2007, & you can't blame me if you've missed it by then.

Tomorrow: answering letters? Might that be a mistake?

Preface To Mistakes: Does Anyone Really Want To Make A Mistake?

Someone a long time ago, someone I didn't really know & who had a magical way of thinking - not more creative, but seeing the world as populated more with fairies & karma & divine intent - whereas I am a materialist, & see the world as totally free of mystical stuffs - this person was mad at me because I did a show I called "The Broken Show." (Looking back at my playlists, I see it was one of the first shows I did in 2002 as I was beginning this whole "Self Help Radio" journey.) She said I "cursed her." What would she think about a show about mistakes & being mistaken? If she listened, would it be a mistake?

I was wondering where, in the array of fucking up, a mistake falls. Somewhere near the bottom, I'd guess; a mistake seems relatively trifling - you're gonna catch some kind of hell, but it's totally tolerable. "I made a mistake when I didn't call the wife today!" The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as: "A misconception about the meaning of something; a thing incorrectly done or thought; an error of judgement." In fact, mistakes are common enough, & carry with them only mild penalties, that we must modify them with adjectives to increase their enormity: that was a big fucking mistake, dude!

But even so, certainly tragedies are not to be dismissed as "mistakes" - except by the people who want to downplay the bloody clusterfucks they've created. Ergo, the President will say, of Iraq, "Mistakes were made." But I don't think simple mistakes cause deaths.

This is, at least, the philosophy of the show on mistakes for this week. So my former acquaintance might feel it's a mistake if she happens upon Self Help Radio on Friday, but, supposing my radio show has supernatural abilities (which it doesn't), it wouldn't cause her to crash her car - but it could perhaps make her forget a meeting over the weekend. She won't be fired, but she'll be yelled at. It was a stupid mistake on her part. Not listening to the show - forgetting about the meeting. How could a radio show - even one about mistakes - cause you to make a dumb mistake? Now you just sound silly.

Look! It's the "Song Of The Day"!

For no apparent reason I was listening to Crime & The City Solution this morning, a gloomy postpunk band fronted by Simon Bonney, who could out-Nick Cave Nick Cave in the wailing & gnashing of teeth category, & whose band featured cohorts of Cave's like Rowland Howard & Mick Harvey. I was first attracted to them primarily because of the Cave-ish-ness of Bonney, but came to understand that Bonney's devotion to the darkness was more steadfast & darker than Cave's. This song is from their 1988 album Shine, & is called All Must Be Love. Click on the song's name to hear an mp3. That mp3 will be removed the day before Valentine's Day, February 13, 2007.

Tomorrow: why a show about mistakes? Am I atoning for something?

Owl Haiku Wrap-Up & Stuff

I had a great time doing the owl show & some of you had a great time writing haikus for it. If you haven't already, visit the Self Help Radio home page & read about the haiku contest. It's quickly replaced "poetry slam" as Austin's ignored poetry of choice!

Here are the winners of last week's bird-of-prey-licious owl haiku contest:

FOURTH PLACE: Ted

You stuffing an owl
The last night at our old place
All the light had gone

THIRD PLACE: Amber

She threw a tantrum
Because her mother called her
Stupid as an owl

SECOND PLACE: Jim

The back of the barn
Where I thought I heard hooting
Two eyes meeting mine

FIRST PLACE: Maryann

Pray, pray, bird of prey
Your prey can’t hear your wings flap
As they eat & play

As I mentioned last week, the Anonymous Limerick Writer has been writing a limerick per week based on the theme. Here's his not-very-anonymous limerick about owls:

There once was a pretentious owl
Who’d dress in a cape & a cowl
Despite his station
By reputation
He was known as an awfully foul fowl.

Thanks & congrats to all entrant & contributors.

Today's "Song Of The Day" is a direct result of me looking for crushworthy songs about crushes from my Valentine's Day show next week, which will be about crushing on people (duh). So I was listening to the BMX Bandits all morning, & I did find a song to play by them, but it won't be this song, which comes from the Serious Drugs compilation of their Creation Records run. The song is called "Next Girl" & clicking on the name will let you listen to it. This mp3 will be removed February 12, 2007, just in time to not offend Lincoln on his birthday.

Tomorrow - & most of this week - there'll be nothing but mistakes here, since that's what my show is about this week.

Must I Answer Letters? I Must Answer Letters!

It's Thursday, & in addition to my regular "training" I do by running my iPod up & down a random tracklist to exercise it, in preparation for the show tomorrow, I also take this time to answer my hardly ever overflowing mailbag. It's sad, not very many people wrote me while I was in Europe. I felt unloved. Which is all right, because it is my natural state. Thank you for confirming my worst fears.

This email comes from someone who told me not to say any part of their name, not even their first initial, which is M:

Gary,
I know youve been traveling and all but have you giving up on putting your shows on your webpage? I was hoping to hear a couple of shows I missed but theyre still not there. I am not able to listen all the time so your mp3's are great.

Well, M, I am glad you said something because I certainly was about to. Isn't that website, Self Help Radio Dot Net, shabbily organized? Oh, I noticed that everything was updated last week, the 2006 playlists put where they belong, etc., but why haven't the FOUR - that's right, FOUR - shows done recently put put up? Three in 2007! What the fuck is up?

Actually, it's a software issue. I'm waiting for an upgrade for my digitizing software. So, I'll be putting the shows up - just as soon as I can start digitizing them. Thank you for your patience, patients.

Now: the "Song Of The Day":

I apologize in advance for the not-very-good quality of the mp3, but it sounds like it was recorded from vinyl. It's from a record compiled in 1981 called Hot Boppin' Girls, Vol. 2, which is part a series of albums (without a notes & copyright information, so it may have some kind of murky legal status) featuring women singers of rock & roll & rockabilly from the late 50s. This particular song is by a perfomer named Barbara Greene, about whom I could find nothing on the web, aside from the fact that she recorded a few 7"s in the 50s. It's a cover of a rock standard, & I like two things about it:

1) The hint of gender reversal.
2) The weird dude doing backing vocals. If you can call them that.

It's a cover of Long Tall Sally & you can hear it by clicking on the name of the song. This mp3 will remain on this site until February 8, 2007.

Remember! You can write me an email at any time. & tomorrow Self Help Radio's all about owls!

Whither Owls?

The idea for a show about owls probably came to me entirely at random. It's been a long time, so I don't know. I come up with ideas, usually while trying not to think about my radio show, mostly while reading something on the web late at night, some news report that is ubiquitous & has grabbed the nation's attention, but I've completely missed it. (A recent example: I just today found out about who Michael Devlin is. If you don't know, don't bother - they'll be making a Law & Order episode about it soon enough. If you do know, you pay more attention to our culture than I apparently do.)

I have ideas for radio shows that I know I'll never completely realize. I want to do a show about different dimensions, for example, but can you name three songs where that's talked about? I also want to do a show about being clumsy & awkward, & I might be able to pull that off, but it'll take a lot of work. As for owls, well. I was most probably either listening to a song about owls & that set me off or it landed in my head like a bird of prey on a branch.

One thing I am hoping to avoid is the whole "night owl" song cliche. I may play one or two, but the nickname for a partyer who stays out all night seems to disrespect the elegant fowl whom this show will celebrate. Exceptions? There's a pretty great Gene Chandler song that I like, & maybe the sad song by Lowell Fulson (which may predate the celebratory definition of "night owl," since the protagonist calls himself that epithet because he's sadly wandering the streets for his unfaithful love). But mostly I wanted songs that reference the hooting birds.

I am interested in how different cultures view the owl. As I'll talk about on Friday, we in the west consider the owl wise primarily because of its association with Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom. In other parts of the world, though, it's a symbol of evil (maybe wisdom is bad?) & in India, it's very common to call someone stupid by comparing them to an owl. (One article I read said this was because the owl has a "dumb stare." Dumb? I think it's creepily disinterested & intense.) But you can wait till Friday to listen to owl stories. Or - I can't resist - you might not give a hoot.

By the way, I don't think there's a relationship to the noise owls make & the "hoot" of "I don't give a hoot." But that won't stop me from playing a song about not giving a hoot. But you probably don't give a rat's ass. You want to hear:

the "Song Of The Day"

This is a jazzy piece from a vocal ensemble from Poland from the 60s & 70s called the Novi Singers. They appear on this compilation I have called Go Right: Jazz From Poland 1963 - 1975, which is much more kitschy, popular music-assocation jazz than the avant-grade stuff happening at the same time. If you imagine a kind of Burt Bacharach aesthetic mixed with a production music sense of psychedelia, & you like what you imagine, you'll like this. (I don't mean to seem dismissive - this is really quite a lot of fun.) The song is called The Runway, & clicking on the name there will let you listen to the mp3. It will be removed from this site on February 7, 2007.

Tommorow: another song, & a letter answered. Though not in that order.

Preface To Owls: Are They Stupid Or Wise?

A co-worker just told me that owls look like cats. I had never thought about it. I had been thinking about owls & cats, though - probably because of this Burl Ives song I'll most likely play on Friday - that owls, which can be quite large, would be one hell of a meal for a cat. Especially my cats, who'd probably play with an owl before killing it, then just eat a little bit of it, & then leave the rest for me, in that weird way that cats share their kills with their owners. But, truly, a baby owl could probably kick all three of my cats' asses.

My cats are pussies.

Owls are fucking gorgeous creatures. Here's a page with pictures about owls of North America. I don't think I've seen a lot owls in my life, but recently, on an early morning walk with my girlfriend & our dogs, I did see one in a tree just before dawn, its silhouette stern & imposing. I am glad there are owls in our neighborhood - I just wish they'd maybe come hang out or something, preferably when they're first coming out (if they have to come at night) rather than right before they call it a day, since I'm hardly ever up that early, & I don't think my girlfriend really wants to be hanging out with owls. Not in the same way I do.

Here's a web page with pictures about the Eastern Screech Owl, featuring something that sounds naughty called a "nest cam." This site, by the way, is hosted where I work, the University of Texas, & the owls were here in Austin. I don't think this was the kind of owl I saw. I like the name "Screech Owl," though.

The site has a link to a list of sites that feature live video &/or updated photographs of nesting birds if you're that kind of weirdo. They have a name for sickos like you: amateur ornithologist. I foresee years of therapy for you & your ilk.

& now: the "Song Of The Day".

Today's song is from last year's collection of B-sides & stuff called Future Crayon (which is dumb name for a record) by the English band Broadcast (which is a great name for a band). I'm not a huge fan of the band, because I like my music to be a little more snappy than theirs is, but this is a lovely electronically-influenced instrumental from the record that cycled on my iPod as I started to write this. It's called Belly Dance & clicking on its name will let you listen to it. This mp3 will removed from this blog on February 6, 2007.

Tomorrow I explain why I'm doing a show about owls. & no, it's not because I enjoy hunting mice at night.

1971 Haiku Wrap-Up - & More!

This is my first Monday post in a while, so I thought I'd do something slightly different that what I had previously been doing, which was printing the winning haikus from Friday's show. I'll still do that, but I thought I'd also add a couple of features to this already dynamic site. I only hope I can keep up.

First & foreleast, every day that I write something for the site (which is usually weekdays), I'll add a "Song Of The Day." Generally these "songs of the day" (& I hope I'll always put them in quotation marks) will be something I'm listening to when I write the blog. It may or may not contain information about the band or commentary from me, depending on whether I have time, inclination &/or anything to say. It will appear at the end of the blog post, & will be available for two weeks, after which time I'll remove it forever. I'll put its "due date" next to the links for those of you finding this years later with whatever searching apparatus that shall come after Google.

Secondly, a listener has decided he wants (anonymously) to contribute a limerick to the show every week. Let's see if he can live up to his promise. So in addition to haiku, there'll be a limerick, too. A Self Help Radio anthology surely cannot be far behind.

Thirdly, here's a picture of me kissing Oscar Wilde's grave in Paris. It's titled "Gary Gone Wilde." Har Har.





Now, the haiku winners:

FOURTH PLACE: Red

You give me a year
No one knows nor remembers
I have squat to say.

THIRD PLACE: Amelia

One nine seven one
Is too far away to see
Distantly life shrinks

SECOND PLACE: Jeanie

Are there an old year
Feeding spacetalk back at we?
Newyear talks louder.

FIRST PLACE: Carl

All the flowers born
In the rich sixties soil
Died in Vietnam.

Congrats to all! Want to know why these people are writing haikus? Click here to find out!

Here's the 1971 limerick from the Anonymous Limerickster:

In nineteen & seventy-one
The decade had not quite begun
Its profile so low
How could anyone know
The seventies would be such fun?

& now "The Song Of The Day".

All I know about this band is from their Allmusic Guide profile: Matson Jones is a Colorado band who contributed a creepily lovely song to last year's second volume of Alright, [sic] This Time Just The Girls Vol. 2. It's called "A Little Bit Of Arson", & you can click on the name to listen to it. This mp3 will be removed February 5, 2007.

This week's show is about owls. Owls! If you have a song request, a haiku, or even a limerick, email me!

I Answer Letters In 2007 Too!

I got this email, actually, in 2006. But it went like this:

Hi, Gary. I sometimes hear you on the radio saying this band or that band wrote the song for Self Help Radio. Does that mean anyone can write a song for Self Help Radio? Do you have to be your friend to write a song for your show? I am a local musician who might want to write a song for a theme next year... Please let me know.

This is a good question. Early in the summer of 2006, I asked a few folks in Austin (& a friend in Dallas) if they would like to write songs for the show, since they were creative as fuck & since I liked to hear the music they make. I also supposed, since I announce my themes far enough in advance, that there might be something that might inspire them in the future... Hopefully.

A few of my friends have decided to help - CJ Buchanan, Anonymouse, Energy Club, Luxuriator & the Licorice Whips, the Ramonalisas - but I understand that it's a lot of pressure to write a song on demand. I am extremely glad they're able to help me make me show as good as it is, & I am (as always) in awe of their tremendous talent.

But the letter writer above is someone I don't know, & why shouldn't I ask others to write songs for Self Help Radio? If you're able, why not Take The Self Help Radio Challenge? (I am in negotiations to see if Bill Cosby will host commercials for me.)

This is an open letter to musicians who would like to write songs to be played on my radio show.

Over on my website, selfhelpradio.net, I list a month's worth of upcoming themes. Some of them, obviously, you can't write a song for, especially if they're restrictive (this week's show, for example, is my favorite records of 1971 - you can't really write a song for that, can you? unless, of course, you're Lee Hazlewood & you already have). But if you'd like to write a song about Owls (next week's theme), you certainly can.

The best thing to do is to write me first & tell me your intention. I'd also recommend you listening to my show, if you haven't already, to see what kind of music I normally play. I don't want to be a dick, but if I don't like the song, I probably won't play it. So if you write music that wouldn't be out of place on an episode of Smallville, I probably won't think very much of it. But if it's indiepop - now we're talking! If a person says, "It sounds a lot like Wilco," I probably won't like it much. But if someone mistakes it for an Echo & The Bunnyman or Julian Cope song - wow wee!

If we talk & you want to write & record a song for Self Help Radio, you may send it to me via email as a decently-encoded (I prefer 192 kbps & up) mp3. (You can also send me copies of songs you've already recorded, if your song fits the theme.) You can click here to send me an email. The email address is also at the site.

The show airs Fridays from 4:30 to 6:00pm CST & can be accessed live at koop.org. I usually archive the show within a couple of weeks & put it on my site. By sending me the song, you're giving me permission to archive it. I may also use it to help KOOP raise funds - by giving it away on a CD as a premium for a membership drive. But otherwise, you own it & can do with it what you will. I will mainly be flattered you wrote a song for Self Help Radio!

It's now up to you. Are you a creative sort who writes songs in your head five times a day? Now's a chance to have someone hear a few of those songs. Let's start talking!

Whither 1971?

Another day stuck in the house while it's icy. When I was a kid, I loved these days. Now all I can think about is all the work that's piling up...

But enough about the goofy Texas weather. Why do a show about the year 1971? & what does that mean, anyway?

Travel back with me, if you will, to the dawn of Self Help Radio. I believe the show started in 2002 - but I'm not always sure. I'm not entirely sure where I was in 2002, so it could've been earlier. Or later. But I do know that I have a birthday, & that birthday happens around the middle of January pretty much every year (I still don't know what happened to my 15th birthday). I also know that I absolutely love to have date/event-specific shows - like my recently ended "favorites of the year" show & Christmas show, which happen every December. I wanted to do something to commemorate my birthday, especially since my friends, family, pets & insurance agents hardly ever remember it. Or if they remember it, they never commerorate it. If anything, they disrespect it. They set a box of dog poo on its doorstep & ignite it. Then they run away.

So, about four years ago (I think) I came up with the idear of using the show on the the week of my birthday as an opportunity to play my favorite music from the year of my birth - which was/is 1968 - & then slowly, year by year, move up a year as the week of my birthday happens. I did 1968. I did 1969. I did 1970. Somewhere along the line, I'm pretty sure I skipped a year (you can look through my playlists on my website if you want to be a completist) but I can't remember why. It must have been because of a particularly heavy George W. Bush State Of The Union Message. Or maybe that year my birthday laid me low. I will be 39 in a few days & I can't be expected to remember that far back. Plus, Austin is covered in melting ice. Can't you hear the drip drip drip?

This year, it's 1971. As a matter of course. What records came out in 1971? This list isn't by any means complete, but I used it as a starting place. I mean, who the hell knows the records they like by the year they came out?

I will not reveal what my favorite records of 1971 are today, but I will list a few records that I won't be playing (because I don't like them):

David Crosby: If I Could Only Remember My Name
Led Zeppelin: IV
Jethro Tull: Aqualung
Chicago: III
Emerson Lake & Palmer: Tarkus
Black Sabbath: Paranoid
Alice Cooper: Love It To Death
Yes: The Yes Album
Grand Funk Railroad: E Pluribus Funk
Rod Stewart: Every Picture Tells A Story

But I guess if you've heard my show it's not much of a surprise that I wouldn't play hard rock or prog rock or saccharine "adult contemporary" rock. There are other shows on KOOP who'll play that stuff.

Some stuff I won't play because, frankly, I won't have the time. I apologize, because these are good motherfucking records that make me wish my show were three hours long so I could honor them. These especially include the record "Mirror Man" by Captain Beefheart & "Faust" by Faust. The shortest song on either of those records is as long as one of my sets. Alas! Alack! What's a poor deejay to do? Apologize & move along.

As well, there as some records I may not play as a matter of principle. In particular, the Who's "Who's Next" is not necessarily a bad album, but half the songs are now theme songs to "CSI" television shows, so I don't much feel the need to play anything from that records. & it's got an absolutely awful album cover. Did anyone really ever think that was photo was cool? Really? While sober? Are they the same people who expected to turn the record over & find the same group of hairy British dudes who took a leak together to be blowing each other? Because I certainly did.

I may also play a single or two from a record that I don't really like. I'll let slip a secret: there's a record by an incredibly overrated band called the Doors that came out in 1971 called "L.A. Woman," & I've only listened to that record because I wanted to score with the chick who was playing it. But it does have my favorite Doors single on it, which is "Love Her Madly," & I'll probably play that. It's just a great goddamn song.

I'll talk a little about 1971, including updates as to what I was doing that year (I turned 3 & was just beginning to read symbolist poetry), so the music & the talk should make everyone feel like 1971 has returned. Happy birthday to me!

Preface to 1971: What The Hell?! It's Snowing In Austin?!

The past few days have been weird.

I caught a cold in Cambridge, which existed as sniffles as we trained our way (from Cambridge to King's Cross, King's Cross to Gatwick) to our flight. But once in the air, the seventeen-day plane ride (or was it fourteen years?) provided fertile ground for my sniffles to blossom into utter misery. I am guessing it had something to do with the fact that a good percentage of the passengers had some form of cold, & also that the rude bastard next to me seemed completely unable to cover his mouth when he hacked, which he did roughly ten times a minute. (I guess he doesn't have to worry about carpal tunnel.) I developed a sinus headache at thirty thousand feet, with the entire top row of my back teeth feeling like they were rotten to the very nerves. Helpful waitresses - er, stewardesses - er, flight attendants - informed me that they couldn't dispense medication, which made the reruns of "I Love Lucy" I was watching without sound even more unbearable than the fortieth time I watched them, when I was eight. With sound.

We arrived safe & warm in Dallas, last Thursday, & Magda gave me Nyquil pills & immediately I felt better. Why couldn't the waitresses on the plane give me medication? If my heart had stopped (Magda's sister pointed out) they are allowed to defibrolate me. Ah well. I will always self-medicate before any flight I take from now on.

A key word up there (keyword?) is the word "warm." It was nearly 70 degrees (Fahrenheit - in Europe, it'd be an unimpressive 18 or 19 degrees "Celsius"). Our hotel room in England wasn't that warm. We got the car & Magda drove me, all runny nosed & delerious, to my mom's, where we spent the night. I can't be sure, but the moms might have had the air conditioner on at her place. For fuck's sake.

After a medicated night's sleep, we drove home & I did my show with an adenoidal accent, & then the weekend came. It rained like a motherfucker on Friday night. (& by the way, as an idiom, the phrase "like a motherfucker" is easily translatable & even more easily exportable. I gave it to my friends in Belgium & I hope they are using it most agreeably.) It was insane. Temperatures dropped. & it got worse.

It's fucking snowing outside. Actually, it's more like it's raining/sleeting/snowing. Like a motherfucker. It's absolutely bugfuck crazy. They closed the University (so I didn't have to work - so my vacation is extended - it's like the damned Energizer Bunny, this vacation) & I've been sitting at home listening to music & occasionally wandering outside to let little pellets of frozen water bounce off my head. They may even close the school tomorrow, as well. Probably because Texans can't drive in the ice. But mainly because IT'S CRAZY THAT IT'S SNOWING IN AUSTIN.

My show this week has something to do with the year 1971, before they invented snow. Before, I believe, they invented Austin. I'll have to write about why I'm doing a show about 1971 tomorrow. I have an uncontrollable urge right now to go swat icicles off my eaves. Excuse me.

Last Day In Paris

Alas, my European vacation is drawing to a close. It might actually have been a little long, but Magda's work schedule kinda made it seem like two vacations in one: the days when Gary was out & about by hisself & the days when the two young(ish) lovers wandered the city trying desperately to find places on confusing street maps.

Seriously, Europeans, a word: The "signs on the sides of buildings" thing is neat & all, but a pole with two signs in a road couldn't cost very much & makes a hell of a lot more sense.

Anyway, the vacation's not quite over - we still have to abscond from Paris & spend a day & night in Cambridge (more fossil hunting - I'll probably just sleep the train ride off) & then it's back to the States. I might have more to say in the future, but here are some random thoughts:

- Austin needs a bakery on nearly every corner. Seriously, it improves the mind & the spirit. The aroma it imparts to the neighborhood alone is worth it.

- Paris (like Basel) is a smokers' town. DO NOT COME HERE if you've quit smoking in, oh, the last few months. God damn it. Not that I smoked - truly, I'm done with that habit - but DAMN when you see the cafes full of smokers you long for that deadly, delicious cancer stick. Which begs the question: don't they get the same medical information as we do? Are they just being contrary? Ah, the French.

- Paris is also a tremendously diverse place, more than I at least thought. Not everyone is beautiful, although the chicks in the Latin Quarter truly are, but the inhabitants look like they come from all over. I have been a little flattered when, walking alone, someone spoke French to me. I had to say "Je ne parle pas francais," but it felt sweet to be mistaken for a Parisian.

- We got extremely lucky - it was never stupefyingly cold while we were here. It was even sunny on Sunday, when we visited Pere Lachaise & I got to make out with Oscar Wilde's grave. But I really want to come back here when it's a springish time. Although the lines will probably be longer then.

- It's probably no surprise (& really no secret) that I don't sleep well, but most certainly a sleeping plan to follow for the future is EXHAUSTION. When you spend an entire day wandering around, waiting in lines, transferring from different Metro stops, & limping home, a little dehydrated & utterly worn out, it's very easy to get horizontal & fall into a completely rejuvenating & dreamless sleep.

- Travelling a lot on trains is fertile ground for those who wish to become Sudoko masters. Or even those who don't, as I found out.

This Friday I will hopefully be back in Austin in time to resume the ridiculousness of Self Help Radio & I once again thank Lisa & Jay for keeping the show warm while I was away. This week I will be playing songs with the phrase "brand new" somewhere within, attempting to start Self Help Radio off in a "brand new year." You may certainly send requests & ideas to me.

A bientot!