Preface To Hypnosis: I Can't Hypnotize But I Can Mesmerize

Messages left in tiny boxes in front of houses in my neighborhood (which are not, by the way, for me) speak of cynicism & gloom: they warn of dissolving marriages, shockingly lowered values on recently-appraised homes, noisier dogs sneaked in during the night, a party which may cause inconvenience come Thursday. Was there ever a time when these notices spoke of happy things, like births, or career advancement, or just general good news? Who knows - &, again, I'm not supposed to be reading them.

If one walks a straight line from the edge of the driveway to the edge of the curb where one stands to wait for the bus, one naturally must walk through houses, back yards, flower beds, storage sheds, over cars & fences, past angry home owners with guns & sharp tongues, into & out of a few businesses, across one busy street & at least two or three not-so-busy ones. This is true about all the nearby bus stops, not just the one I take to get to work every day. Even the bus stops that lead away from my work. There is no straight line away from my house to any bus stop.

That makes me very, very nervous. Anxiety is an old friend, but as I get older, I can imagine the nerves fraying, like sleeves or tassels, until they're just dangling, fraught, always in motion. It's no wonder I sneak glances into the little boxes which hold the messages for others in the neighborhood - for the uptight effeminate fellow & his perfumed dog; for the happy couple with the motorized, air-conditioned stroller for their new sprog; for the grumpy old conservative & his solid gold walker, slowly making his day-long trip up the block & back; for even the visitors, solicitors or stalkers, who pretend they're part of this neighborhood & who everyone else pretends are a part of this neighborhood.

I couldn't tell you why I am disconnected in this way. I smile, sometimes I wave, but the people who live around me often turn off their lights & close up their trees when I pass. I cannot say if it's just that they dislike me or if I committed some kind of offense. I want to say to them, "But I bought the house! I do not rent! I do not lease! I mow my own lawn & put up my own Christmas lights! Look! Look! It's my name on the mail! It's my name on the magazines!" But what good would that do? Surely those who reject me have closed their ears like their minds & they can't hear a word I say. Just the sound of my footsteps trailing into the loneliness of my home.

The noise you hear is the neighborhood sharpening its teeth. The noise you don't hear is my television turning off as I look out my picture window & fall asleep staring into the street. The night comes, the night goes. All manner of things happen, usually, & usually you don't need to pay attention. The power goes off & the houses empty as we all look to see if it's a community event, & not something ridiculous like someone forgetting to pay their bills. We ask the questions, we stand around, we stare at each other's lawns, cars, for sale signs, political candidate signs, dying trees, edged shrubs, boxes of recycling. Then the power comes on again. We go back inside.

Something starts all over again. Something never ended. Something never began.

Another Non-Random Show Notification On Your Otherwise Spotless Corkboard

Posted this weekend: Self Help Radio show number - er - I mean Jesus I don't know what frickin' number show it is - it's the show about lemons. It's available where you normally find Self Help Radio podcasts & archived versions of the old radio show: both in my head & at selfhelpradio.net.

I want to add that you can certainly keep those suggestions coming about what I should do special for my 400th post on this blog. "Nude photos of my cats" is certainly a hilarious option, especially since they're perverts, but they have their own blog so you can already see them. "Free access to this blog for life" seemed a little smart-alecky until I realized someone could make the argument that "free access" means I have to pay their ISP bills. Fat chance!

But I do believe the four hundredth post should be exciting, special, awesome, tacky, windswept, consumptive, cricket & rad, so I am still taking suggestions. Number 400 (wow, like the hit film!) should break some time next week. I suggest you plan your parties now!

But don't forget the point of today's notice: a show about lemons at selfhelpradio.net! Have some with your afternoon tea!

A Twist Of Lemon

Tomorrow! Probably in the middle of the day! Or maybe sooner! But maybe later! The Self Help Radio podcast series continues with a lemony show all about lemons! It'll be tart & tangy, sour & sweet! It can clean your hair & your furniture! It will go good with beverages & garnish your entree! Wow! What the hell! That's one great radio show!

Now all I have to do is put it together. I wish it was as easy as writing about it. Damn it.

Pay attention to selfhelpradio.net tomorrow (Saturday) to see when I post the show, or write an email to this email address to ask me to notify you when it's posted.

Seriously, I gotta start working on that show. Why am I wasting my time on a blog? Jeez.

That Boy Hermes

According to the list of things which is collected for things in the thing-like interface which controls this blogging device thing, I am rapidly approaching my four-hundredth blog entry. (Well, rapidly. I mean, it's less than ten entries off, so it'll happen in like two weeks or something.) (It's certainly as rapid as any blogging I do I suppose.) (Thing.) I ask you, loyal readers of other blogs than this, what should be the celebration that we celebrate for the four-hundredth Self Help Radio blog? Here are some choices sent in by Mrs. Mull's second-grand class, Doonesburg, Ohio:

1) Photos of Gary being kicked in the head! (submitted several times)
2) Free trip to Planet Zed!
3) Tell us a story, tell us a story!
4) More money for lunch please. I am hungry.
5) A special song written for all the famous things that are four hundred!
6) Two cats for every orphan!
7) A rhyming dictionary for the lucky winner!
8) Three or more tours of duty in Iraq starting this summer!
9) A haircut & a shave!
10) Tacky joke gift vetted by your drunk uncle!

What else? What could it be? What shall we do? Wherever shall we go? Could there should there be a contest? Should there would there be a prize? Ought there be a law? Might there be a drawing (of names), or a drawing (of famous people in funny caricature)? I can't decide. You have to decide! Four hundred is a big number. Help me figure out what should happen when blog post number four hundred happens!

Thing.

Whither Lemons?

A fan of lemons was telling me just the other day, "There's that old song, you know, about how the interior of the lemon isn't very good to eat, & I was always puzzled by this. I always ate lemons like other kids at oranges, or even grapefruit. I'd scoop the pulp out & just eat. It never occurred to me that it wasn't supposed to be edible. So I continue eating the flesh - for lack of a better word - of lemons to this very day. You may not believe me but it's true.

"What's weirder," he continued, "is that I can't do the same with limes. I can't eat a section of a lime in the same way that I can basically 'eat up' a lemon. It doesn't taste good enough & the consistency, the texture of the lime isn't the same. Isn't that just too odd? Because you can set a lemon & a lime side-by-side & even cut them in half, & they look like basically the same fruit, only colored differently. But they are very, very different. They are - at least to my taste buds - polar opposites.

"I can also tell you," said the fan of lemons, "that I could chew on a lemon rind - did you know they also call it a 'zest'? - I could chew on a lemon zest in the same way other kids chewed gum. To me, there was nothing better, after consuming the inside of a lemon, spitting its seeds out, wiping the sticky sour juice from my face - nothing better than gnawing off a piece of lemon zest & spending the rest of the day just chew, chew, chewing it. Other children, with their Wrigley's & their Fruit Stripe & they're Double Bubble, they'd complain of losing flavor & having to keep sticking new pieces of gum in their mouths, but not me. A little lemon rind went a long way."

"I wish I could tell you," he said with a sigh, "why I am so obsessed with lemons. There's probably a moment - or moments, really, felicitous, random moments when I was young - when lemons were the only thing around to eat, & I ate them. Ate them up. & my love of lemons continues undeterred to this day. I love lemon tea, lemon-flavored soft drinks, lemon garnishes, lemon juice dripped on frying foods, lemonade of course, lemon added to any alcohol, lemon candies, lemon, lemon, lemon! The taste of lemons. It overwhelms me & is the one thing on this planet that makes me completely, totally happy."

"Well," I said, "that's good news, because my radio show, Self Help Radio, this week features nothing but talk & music about lemons!"

"Hey," said the fan of lemons, "I didn't know you did a radio show."

Preface To Lemons: I'd Rather Talk About Toast

Don't get me wrong. I'm very excited about this week's show, for which I am receiving absolutely no money from the Texas Citrus Exchange. No money, nor any of their delicious fruit, certainly not sent in lovely gift baskets directly to my door for any consideration whatsoever. Oh delicious citrus! Your sourness is the sweetest thing in my life!

Recently, though, I've begun to question the very nature of fruit. It's so, well, fruity. Can that be a good thing? Some fruitarians think that, but can we truly trust anyone who has so willfully given up cheese? I think not.

One struggles to find one's way in the shopping cart of life, & I have been a vegetarian since way before you thought I was cool, but the questions with which one grapples can be philosophical finger traps - such as this one: why worry about lemons, when all you can think about is toast?

It's true! Why does toast haunt me so? Since our toaster died, I have been forced to make toast in a "toaster oven." The toast comes out disappointed & rueful. The butter will not melt, it feels the toast's shame. I had to put this morning's toast out of its misery by throwing it into a mob of hungry beagles! What sort of death is that for bread? For toast? I may as well have shoved it up the assholes of pigeons in the park!

One doesn't have the same moral & ethical quandaries with fruit, even with citrus, whose reputation among fruits is that of scoundrels & knaves. At the very least douchebags. Fruits have nothing on toast! But you can put fruit on toast! Preferably sliced thin. If you must.

I sing a dirge of toast lost today. The citrus fruits would weep acrid tears, if weep they could, if they hadn't already been crushed into juice. Mmm, juice. Salud!

From Dynamite To Los Angeles

Suddenly I am regretting not beginning all of my blog entries with a salutation. What a dreadful miscalculation! Now my blog has no personality! It's just like me!

Followers of the stomach flu may note with sadness that I am more or less back to my usual state of health which, frankly, for most people is a bit on the sickly side. I managed to fly to Los Angeles & attend my girlfriend's sister's wedding, but couldn't take advantage of the free booze & was back in Austin before Spielberg knew I was there. He & I are just NOT on speaking terms.

Before I left Saturday morning, though, I finished the first post-radio show podcast, which is still an episode of Self Help Radio, warts & all, & is available for your listening pleasure at the regular place, cnn.com. No, that's not right. & no, Wolf Blitzer & I are also NOT on speaking terms. A situation room without a self-destruct button?! What the fuck was he thinking?

The Self Help Radio show about dynamite is available at (of course) selfhelpradio.net. Do go listen. You may be the only person who does!

One Dynamite Podcast!

The Self Help Radio non-radio pro-podcast revolution begins in just a little time, my friends. Oh yes! As we speak, smelly beagles of all ages are sniffing the butts of all kind of music - all about the subject "dynamite" - which will be gathered tenderly, like flowers or cigarette butts, & turned into a deliciously explosive podcast you'll want to tell your friend about.

Do you want me to tell you when it's posted? Send an email to this address & I'll do that. Meanwhile I'll tease you by saying that this week's podcast will featuring the likes of Sly & The Family Stone, Iggy Pop, Slim Gaillard, King Floyd & Dick & The Family Cheney. Well, maybe not the last one. But all the rest & more!

Only at selfhelpradio.net. Only with fresh fruits & veggies. Only on time, never late. Only as a last resort.

Huzzah!

In Which Our Hero Makes One Final House Call

In the big media flap that was me distancing myself from my pastor's inappropriate behavior & apparently seditious sermons - wait, that wasn't me at all - was that former French president Jaques Chirac? Wasn't I him in a previous French life? I can't remember. I know there was a big media flap involving me, Caroll Spinney, an ostrich recently "liberated" from the San Diego Zoo, & Alaskan celebrity Mike Gravell. There always is, it seems, when a season ends. It's the burden of being virtually unknown & living in an imaginary world in my own hollow head.

Due to this media flurry, it may have been lost in the shuffle that the last episode of the fine show "The House Call" (normally ably hosted by heavy drinker Justin B) was poorly subbed by me during the hour before the Self Help Radio Season Finale. That show, featuring a not-entirely-right-in-the-head co-host, Mike, is available for listening at the Self Help Radio website. It's worth your time, if only to hear Xiu Xiu's magnificent cover of "Under Pressure." That's a keeper.

Go! Listen! I've got an imaginary press conference to attend, & later I'll be doing some imaginary drugs & crashing my imaginary car into the real tree.

Whither Dynamite?

Two things are interesting to me about dynamite. Ka & boom!

Was that funny? Well, I'm not funny. I'm sickly & I can't go to Los Angeles for my girlfriend's sister's wedding. So I'm sick, I'm depressed, I'm making enemies in my girlfriend's family, & I'm not funny.

Still. Two things are interesting to me about dynamite.

One, the fact that the dude who invented it was so shaken by an accidentally published obituary ("the merchant of death is dead!" it announced) that he started the Nobel Prizes to "atone" for his great destruction. I mean, if everyone did that, Dick Cheney would be spending the rest of his life giving everyone in America fifty dollars! Imagine that!

Two, the fact that it's a weird metaphor. To call someone "dynamite" is to call them "explosive" or "catastrophically violent," right? Nope. It means "great!" I'll be discussing this at length on the podcast. It's weird to me. "Dynamite" = "great"? What's next? "Bad" = "good"?

Of course, there are lots of great songs about dynamite, too. That's the main reason I do these shows I do, you know. The great music. & also the explosions. Ka-boom!

Preface To Dynamite: A Stomach Flu For All Humankind!

I don't know about you, but I am pretty annoyed by viruses. & I'm not afraid to say so! You know what I'm talking about - viruses - sub-microscopic infectious agents that are unable to grow or reproduce outside a host cell. You feel me? No? What if I remind you that viruses consist of genetical material - DNA or RNA - within a protective protein coat called a capsid? Ah, you know what I'm talking about. Fucking viruses! They infect cellular life forms & are grouped into animal, plant & bacterial types, according to the type of host infected. & isn't that the shit?

I was minding my own business last week when some motherfucking virus decided to hang out in my stomach. Say what? You heard me! You know what followed? It wasn't beer & skittles, if that's what you mean. Unless by "beer & skittles" you mean "upchuck & the trots." In which case, then, yeah, it's been three days of beer & skittles.

I didn't go to a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I had (& may still have) this: a norovirus. I did in fact have a low grade fever Saturday night. (The grade? D+.) I scared the hell out of my girlfriend because I kept talking to her but I was responding to imaginings & dreams. Ah, fevers. Like a cheap drug when you least can afford it.

I am doing better now - I have to, I am driving to Los Angeles on Thursday. Wow, I get to transport a norovirus across the country! Someone please please please tell me Scarlet Johansson & Ryan Reynolds are in LA! Please please please.

This does mean limited blog entires for the next week. I'll warn more later. Now. Urp. I need to go visit the facilities.

Cake Request Form

I just discovered there was such a thing as a "cake request form." Ah, bureaucracy. Just tell me where to sign.

The very lastest Self Help Radio on KOOP was quite a blow-out. Hear what the critics are saying?

Nope.

Me neither.

But take my word for it, it was more fun than watching angry people trying to douse the Olympic Torch while French police on roller skates daydream of Segues! & guess what what! You can listen to it in its entirety at selfhelpradio.net! Not just now! Also later! Isn't that just freaky?

& nothing on the cake request form says anything about "one per customer." Suckers!

Last Show On KOOP!

This is it, friends. My last appearance on KOOP radio. It starts at 3:30pm when I sub the House Call one last time, & then the ninety-minute "season finale" of Self Help Radio.

But wait! Unlike most season finales, the "new" season of SHR begins right away next week as a podcast. Send an email if you want to be notified of SHR podcasts! The best is yet to come!

I hope you tune in today. It's a crazy show. Weird interviews, exclusive songs written for the show, & I will make love to a panda on the air. Well, maybe not. We'll see.

Your last chance to hear Self Help Radio on the radio in Austin is 4:30 today! Tune in!

My Last Ear Candy

I came to KOOP in late 2000 on the invite of one of the many Jennifers who have hosted the indiepop show "Ear Candy" since the late 1910s. I had been missing radio a lot but I didn't really want to have to get involved with another organization - especially one with as fearsome & intolerant a reputation as KOOP. In the end, I DID get involved, & I hope I helped change the station into a more welcoming place - but this is not the place to talk about that.

I subbed Ear Candy quite a bit over the years - I just counted - it was around twenty times - & I always loved the show. The first time I was on KOOP, actually, was an Ear Candy show. So it was very nice that Lace - the current Jennifer who handles Ear Candy - asked me to sub the show last Saturday. It was a nice way to say goodbye to a show that was like my second home on KOOP.

Want to listen to that show? You can! At selfhelpradio.net!. Please to enjoy.

& tomorrow is the last time you'll ever hear me on the air in Austin, Texas. Why hasn't the news media called? This is what I want to know.

Whither A Season Finale?

All things - good or not - must come to an end. Of course, Self Help Radio is not ending, but its place on the KOOP schedule is. It's happening at the end of the season. Ergo, Season Finale.

Where will Self Help Radio end up? Well, it comes with me wherever I go, so it'll end up in North Carolina. That's where I'll be by the end of the summer. Why, you many ask. Why Gary? Why the Deep South? You've quit smoking. You really don't want to have to explain yourself Jesse Helms. What gives?

I'll tell you. My girlfriend Magda is getting a job at Duke. Duke is a university in Durham, North Carolina. I love my girlfriend Magda in the way that a boy sometimes loves a girl & wants to be with her all the time. She's very smart & very dorky & we both have seen every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation too many times. She can speak the language of lemurs. She eats sesame tofu as fast as I do - if not faster. She's funny-looking in a pretty kind of way. I like her!

I decided I'd rather be with my girlfriend than without her. So I follow her. She gets to teach college, I get to work the clean-up shift at Whataburger. Wait. Do they have Whataburger in North Carolina? I need to start sending resumes out!

Self Help Radio may end up on the radio in Durham, or it may just be a podcast for the next year or so. In any case, it's unstoppable! You can't stop it! It's impossible to stop Self Help Radio! Like a crazy dream, it now leaps from the confines of "regular radio" into the aether, & online, but also into the aether, where it communicates with the space demons & protects Earth from unholy meteor penetrations & extraterrestrial salads!

Preface To The Season Finale: Guestbook Weirdness!

Here's something I never thought I'd have to deal with: a weirdo trying to harass me.

A while back I decided to do something totally dorky & add a "guestbook" to my site. It's free, it's silly, it's totally 1996. There have been some nice comments & some misspellings & it seemed a harmless thing to do.

Last week, someone who really, really doesn't like Self Help Radio decided to leave a nasty comment. I figured, hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion, even if it seemed strange to me to take the time to go to some place you don't like & write something nasty about it. It seemed - well - a little douchebaggish. But whatever.

The next day someone wrote something in defense of me, referring to the nasty entry. It was sweet & I thought, all right, it's like point/counterpoint. I certainly didn't want there to be an "argument" going on - I mean, if you don't like the show, you don't like the show, how can you "convince" someone about their own opinion? - but here are two people making two points & now let's go back to the regular stuff.

Yesterday, the person who wrote the first entry - under a different name - it's a really simple guestbook, you can claim to be whomever you want - wrote another mean entry. (How do I know it's the same person? The entries came from the same IP address. The guestbook administration lets me know where the entries come from.) I decided it wasn't the place for that sort of thing, so I deleted the comments - the two nasty ones, & (I'm sorry to the nice person who wrote this!) the one in defense of the show which referenced the first "bad review."

Of course, the nasty ones keep coming, & I'll keep deleting them, since they don't make sense now in the guestbook's context. & I know the same person is writing them all, so I can't even be flattered by hordes of people hating on me. So I make a quiet plea or four:

1) If you don't like Self Help Radio, don't worry, it's leaving the Austin airways. You might not have been able to work the magic radio dial to change the station while I was on the air, but now, since I won't be there, you don't have to trouble yourself. Everything is fine. You'll be all right.

2) I will continue podcasting, & will eventually be on the radio elsewhere, but that will require you to use a computer to download the shows &/or listen online. If you don't like the show, please don't take the trouble! Put it out of your mind. Self Help Radio can't ever hurt you. Things that other people like that you find awful can't hurt you. Concentrate on the things you like. Write nice things on their web pages. It will make the people who make the things you like feel really good. That's much better than trying to make someone feel bad, isn't it?

3) If you must leave comments, leave them here on the blog. Then we can have a conversation. We can't on a guestbook.

4) If you want to have a conversation, use your real name! Don't post under fake names! It undercuts your criticism! What are you afraid of? You know my real name. There are many ways to get to know who I am. Why not tell me who you are?

That's all. I don't like being this "self-indulgent" but it's such a weird & interesting thing to have to deal with, I had to tell SOMEONE. I hope you don't mind!

One Whole Planet

Someone just said to me, "I don't have control issues." "No?" I said, because I wasn't really paying attention & wasn't sure if she had just accused me of telling her that she had "control issues," whatever that means. "No," she said. "I don't need to be in control of much." "How much do you need to be in control of?" I asked her. "One whole planet," she said.

I don't need that much. Just a couple more Self Help Radio shows on KOOP & the promise of radio in the future. & look! The next-to-the-last Self Help Radio is available for your glistening listening pleasure now at selfhelpradio.net. Please listen & enjoy.

& don't hate me for my lack of ambition!

2 Shows To Go!

I am feeling especially wary about today's penultimate Self Help Radio, & I'll tell you why: it's not really under my control. You heard me. My show is programming itself. That's right! What kind of sick sci-fi nonsense is this? But the orders came from above. I don't have a say in my next-to-the-last show. I tell you, if I weren't leaving already, I'd have a bit of a huff prepared.

What is there to say? Today at 4:30pm CST, live on the 91.7 fm frequency & at koop.org is the first of two final Self Help Radio shows on KOOP. Oh boy! Yay boo! My teeth feel sad. I hope you can find it in your hearts to sacrifice any extra candy to my toothsome cause.

Come listen at 4:30! I will be paying my mortgage on the air!

Exter! Exter!

Happy Thursday. I made it back from Dallas & am working worrisomely on my next-to-last Self Help Radio. But I was thinking - hey, it's the end of April isn't it motherfucker? (Whenever I talk to myself in my head, I am extremely profane. I don't know why that is. For veracity's sake, I must write my thoughts down EXACTLY AS I HAVE THEM. If I didn't, I would be no better than [insert someone or something {like a media organization, or your lying-ass roommate in college} you think is a dissembling sack of sick], right?

If indeed it is the end of April, you selfish fucked-up douchehead, then isn't it time once again for another Self Help Radio Extra mix? Oh indeed it is. Please the Self Help Radio Extra page for a unique mix of the new sounds & the hot old sounds & the hot sounds that I don't know when they were recorded. All arranged in a single mix that makes it annoying if you don't like that one song in the middle, but convenient for listening to on iPod or burned to CD or given wrapped-up digitally as a present to your Aunt who thinks an mp3 is a brand of Soviet-era assault rifle.

Again, that's Self Help Radio Extra. I really want to say "You're welcome," but I'll wait for you to listen. Then you can tell me what you think. I'll be sitting here. Whittling. Yes, I whittle. I'm from the South. My father was a sharecropper's son. Whittling was mandatory for youngsters like me. Go, listen. Look, I'm making you a whistle.

Whither Regret?

I regret that I am in Dallas & can't write in my blog today. Wait. What?

Preface To My Penultimate Show On KOOP: Yes! I Got To Use The Word Penultimate!

I mean, how often do you get to use the word "penultimate"? Most people prefer "next to last," but not only does "penultimate" sound way cooler than "next to last," but it reminds everyone that the meaning of the word "ultimate" is "the very last." So the next time you see "Billy Joel - The Ultimate Collection," hold the record companies to their promise! No more Billy Joel collections ever!

Oh, tis a sadness to be approaching the end of my KOOP times. I feel blue. But I look forward - to other radio stations in the universe, to those pesky podcasts which, at last count, almost a few folks have downloaded. & then I look back - & it seems like KOOP is giving me the finger - wait! It's apparently just scratching its face. Whew!

There are so many wonderful stories & experiences that I had at KOOP, I am sure. I have obliterated most of them, of course, with heavy drinking & short-term memory loss incurred by a desperate need I have to impress the women by breaking beer bottles on my head. But my record number of concussions in one four-hour period surely reflects the joy given to me not only by being a part of what is truly a crazy-ass experiment in community radio, but also by the crazy-ass listeners who for whatever reason kept coming back to my show, listening, calling, calling again, still listening, calling, calling into the night, calling even when I am at home & not on the air any longer, continuing to call into the wee hours, calling, calling, hey!, I got caller ID buddy, be aware of that, you freak!

It's the penultimate time you'll get to hear me on that radio station! Pass it on! Use that word all the time until people get annoyed with you. You know you wanna. Come on!

The Podcasts Begin!

Yes, even though I was unable to be on the air on Friday (where, I am told, the noble Justin produced a fine Self Help Radio show!), I did manage to make a show, along with my pal Mike, & it is now a sweet, sweet podcast, located (as they always shall be) at selfhelpradio.net. You can listen to it & to the other installments of the Indiepop A To Z series there. & why wouldn't you? Are you too busy enjoying This Week In Science? I thought not. Wait. Are you? That's one of my podcast rivals!

I am thinking of changing my show's name to "This Week In Self Help Radio Radio." But it is really on the lowest rung of my consideration, so I probably shouldn't have mentioned it. It's right below "Getting a tattoo of Richard Dawson on my inside left thigh" & "trying heroin for the third time." I don't really have the space in my schedule for changing my radio show's name.

Go! Listen! I am just making noises because I don't want to have to go to this meeting I'm supposed to go to! Don't let me keep you!

Sheesh.

3 Shows To Go! (Slight Return)

Yes, there are three more Self Help Radio shows on KOOP. I'm doing the last two. Today, the wonderful Justin from the House Call fills in with a show all about tools. Do tune in at 4:30 pm Austin time on the 91.7 frequency & online at koop.org. It'll be awesome!

& I'll be back for my penultimate show on KOOP next week. Have a lovely weekend!

Self Help Radio vs The World

What an amazing title! Imagine, this tiny little radio show taking on something so big & scary & full of pollution like the world! That includes you, & every animal, & every hotel, & every bottle of Coca Cola! Why would this tiny little radio show want to do something like that?

Oh it isn't. It's just being grandiose. The main mouthpiece behind Self Help Radio, that queer fellow called Gary, he - & by he I mean I - subbed KOOP's world music show World Beat on Sunday. That's all. It's now available for your listening pleasure.

Where in the world can you listen to it? I bet you know! Yes, it's over at selfhelpradio.net. Like it always is. Every damn time. Go! Enjoy! Have fun!

Whither Tools?/Whither Indiepop A To Z # 14?

This is a two tracked explanation of the two Self Help Radio shows which will happen this week. Please do not adjust your browser. Everything is working exactly as planned. Take it away!

I am allowing the young Justin to handle Self Help Radio this week because a) he is able & b) I can't do it. But I can't go a whole week without a radio show. Damn my work! That would be madness. It's one of the last Self Help Radios on KOOP & my work says "No! Gary's gotta be here to justify his bureaucratic existence!" I also haven't visited my never-ending Indiepop A To Z series since late last year. They're so hateful here. It seems entirely appropriate to do so now, for two reasons: 1) to do a radio show when I cannot, in the form of a podcast, & 2) to do something of general interest so as not to "compete" with the Self Help Radio show subbed by Justin. My heart is broken. His show will be listened to by the regular Austin listeners. Yet my heart is heartened (after all) because I think Justin will do a fine job hosting Self Help Radio. My podcast will be downloaded by a drunk guy in Ukraine looking for free mp3s of Cinerama songs. I have requested that he do a show around the subject of "tools." & then quickly forgotten. Why is that? But isn't Self Help Radio really radio for people like me, people who need radio primarily if it is radio prepared & created by them themselves? Because, frankly, Justin is a manly fellow, with fine muscles & strong shoulders. If not that, what is it? & frankly I am a girly boy, with too much pretty hair & a slightly womanly walk which accentuates my wide feminine hips which, in a different world, would bear beautiful children. I cannot say, I am too close to the subject matter, in the same way a koala cannot be critical of the eucalyptus, or the way a walrus cannot talk shit about the rocks on which it suns. I am a little afraid around the implements which the more masculine of my gender use to make & repair things. But I will make my podcast, & I will load my podcast. My entire life I've been a little too afraid to ask about them. I just fucking dare you to download & listen to it. I have secretly conspired therefore to have Justin educate me without exposing myself as the sissy I fear the world sees me as. I just fucking dare you! Justin will vindicate me! I just hope my daring you isn't too pushy. So you had better pay attention. I do expect people to download my silliness.

Preface To Tools/Preface To A New Podcast

What do I talk about this week? Do I talk about the excellent young Justin's doubtlessly excellent covering of Self Help Radio (he's doing a show about tools)? Or do I talk about a podcast I will be making because I can't not make something like a radio show for even one little week? Or should I just show a video of what looks like a kitten with a theremin?

Instead, I think I'll take this moment to address what many in the Self Help Radio community are calling "tax day." As someone who has never failed to pay his or her taxes every other year or so, I find myself troubled by the turncoats & pests who feel that taxes are bothersome or otherwise cumbersome to the loathsome & the winsome. Surely our Founding Brothers & Sisters, who wrote extensively on the subject, never conceived of "taxation with representational art" as unfit for projects & protests! It's right there in the Constitution! Article you know, Section of course!

But this points even further to a more difficult conception of American society today in the 21st century today. Which is this: with all the consumer options we have before us, who really would choose to buy the governmental services on offer with the standard tax dollar? Very few of us, save some of the elderly without disposable income, as well as those for whom a nationwide flat tax appeals to their flat heads. Indeed, it's the crux of the material! Yet by requirement we save the embarrassment of unrequited requitedness. Quite!

I haven't got the hair nor the breadth to discuss the argument that goes on between bald Libertarians & shaggy-maned Contrarians, but you can well imagine that the hours spent on community radio alone making grand pronouncements, not to mention the money spent on shampoo & conditioner, could fill a phone book. I wanted rather to alert you, on this Taxing Tax Day, to the iambic pentameter being spent by the greatest truly minds of our or the next generation. For more information, please see a kitten possibly playing a theremin.

Man! Sudafed makes you have the coolest thoughts!

Home Sickly

A weird spring cold in Texas gave me a weird spring cold in my head so I am home today doped up on things to make me sleep & not sneeze all the time. How appropriate that the week I can't do a show, my body lets me get sick. Hurrah!

So instead of wasting time wondering what sort of nonsense I might write of a Monday, go listen to last Friday's show about gravity at selfhelpradio.net. I know you're a fan of Isaac Newton. You need not be ashamed any more.

Achoo. Groan.

3 Shows To Go!

I know, you're all planning your big "end of the show" party, like you did at the end of "M*A*S*H," "Seinfeld" & "The Big Valley." (Where I come from, "Big Valley" parties were fucking awesome!) But can I point out there are three big differences?

1) My show isn't ending. I'll continue with delicious podcasts dispensed at selfhelpadio.net. I'm just leaving KOOP. They'll be fine. I'll be fine. Nothing is ending. It's just changing.

2) You can be reminded about the podcasts by reading this blog or by sending me an email to remind you when a new show is posted. Think Hawkeye Motherfucking Pierce would have done that? Or that Kramer guy? Nope. Both of them would've used the n-word, although Alan Alda would make it seem like it was Groucho Marx using it.

3) I am only doing three more Self Help Radio shows, but there will actually be *four* more Self Help Radio shows! That's right, the dashing & handsome Justin who does the House Call before my show, will be subbing for me next week, doing a show about "tools." Ha ha! Can you imagine there being three more "M*A*S*H"s, but someone stepping in & adding a fourth? You can't! That's because we're so damn weird!

4) Did I say there were three differences? I guess I did. I don't know why I've numbered this as "4)" but I suppose it's a difference. Next week, I'll make a podcast. You heard me! So there'll be two Self Help Radio shows, one on the radio, one on the computero. Insert snarky comment about Lee Majors &/or Barbara Stanwyck here.

So tune in to Self Help Radio today at 4:30. Learn about gravity. From someone who has no gravitas at all. & who is famous for falling down all the time.

Aren't You Funny

I know, these sorts of things are just someone's opinion (I for one would have had a LOT more Mr. Show & a LOT less Saturday Night Live) but if you want to be amused, do have a look at nerve.com's 50 greatest comedy sketches of all time. It's an amusing distraction.

What would I have included that's not there? The possibilities are endless, really. For one, the Chicken Lady sketch from Kids In The Hall I would have added is not the one they pick. I like the one - which is the first Chicken Lady sketch I ever saw - with the blind date with Dave Foley. "I'm a chicken lady & I love life!" "I didn't think you meant it literally..." But so much of what they did was so absurd that it's only funny because it's so damn weird. That's awesome.

Which reminds me - League Of Gentlemen, anyone?

As for Mr Show - I have so many of those episodes memorized, it would be hard to say. But I'd leave out a couple of those dull SNL sketches for Thrill World & Druggachusetts because, frankly, they're funnier.

I can't believe they missed the single funniest SCTV sketch ever - Night School Hi-Q. Lugubrious!

& there's nothing from the Ben Stiller show? Really? I think that the "MTV Music News" sketch (I said kill Doug Szathkey!) would have been a great companion piece to the In Living Color Vanilla Ice parody. & what about Die Hard 12? Oliver Stone Land? Woody Allen's Bride of Frankenstein? Cape Munster?

Lists like this are always woefully incomplete, because tastes are different. But maybe you'll find some funny there for yourself.

Whither Gravity?

Here's what a weirdo Isaac Newton was: Read ten strange facts about Newton. Are they that strange? I mean, come on. It was, what, the seventeenth century? Shit was fucked up then. Everyone I've known who was able to see the world a different way than everyone else was completely batshit crazy. It makes sense that, in a world where there are a substantial number of batshit crazy folks, a handful would be brilliant. Sadly, the majority of them become religious or political. Luckily some of them become scientists.

I like that gravity is not completely understood. I like that it's a fundamentally weak force, if only because, when you explain that to astrologers, they get all vexed. (You know, "If gravity's so strong why can this little magnet counteract it so simply?") I like those drawing of gravity lines around massive objects illustrating the "space-time continuum." I love listening to the dreamers who imagine we'll beat the speed limit of light by using gravity to "bend" space. Forget all that nonsense about sin & redemption - that's just about control of your thoughts & your person. Close your eyes & imagine a gravity well dipping into a black hole drawing out incredible energies. Hell, close your eyes & imagine launching yourself into orbit on a small moon. You're a super hero in space!

Most songs about gravity are about gravity as a metaphor - either of "attraction" or of rebellion against physical laws. But there are songs, too, celebrating that batshit crazy Newton dude & what he thought up while the city of London was dying of the plague. Yay! One of the last Self Help Radio shows on the radio will be a science show!

Preface To Gravity: What Comes Up Must Not Be Discussed

Yes, it was a picture of a dog barking at Jesus. The dog is a beagle named George. Jesus is a plastic statue in a graveyard. Please stop writing me poems about it!

That's the thing: I don't really mind poems. I like them. I write them myself, in my skin, with a razor & a bottle of Softsoap. & oftentimes, yes, I write them about pictures of dogs barking at kitschy representations of old-fashioned deities. But I don't send them to anyone. I certainly wouldn't send them to you.

For example, why would anyone send this to anyone, especially me:

   You don't love me Jesus
   Because I am a hound
   So I'll continue peeing
   On your hallowed ground

But Gary, is this so bad? Yes. It's bad for two reasons. First of all, George is himself an accomplished poet (as well as an accomplished urinator), so he can write poems from his own point of view when necessary (although he prefers to write from an "everydog" perspective). He simply doesn't need you to write poems from his vantage point. Secondly, it's not a very good poem. It doesn't really capture the essence of the photograph & it doesn't really explain why the dog thinks Jesus doesn't love him. Frankly, it doesn't scan.

What about the free verse poems I'm getting? As always, the free verse is worse:

   Beagle orphaned on crisp sunny day
   Lack a day! Lackadaisical!
   Alone, alone, but wait! alone,
   with nearer my god to thee
   porcelain plastic messiah!

I know, what the fuck?!? (By the way, "lackadaisical" comes from "lackaday," smart guy. What've you been doing, reading the Word Detective or something? Sheesh.) I would have been more impressed if the writer had rhymed something with "lackadaisical."

Enough! The three or four people who read this blog read it to find out if I have gone completely off the deep end, not to hear your poetry about photographs on blogs. Now please, let me write about the topics I'll cover on my show, & leave your poetry to other radio shows that deserve them. That one about the Lake in Minnesota, for example. Write to them.

Now I've got to go & explain this to George...

Torso Pants

My month of April has gotten off to a grand start, how about yours? I am of course talking about the wildflowers! What did you think I was talking about? A hundred thousand dollar bar? Or maybe a grand piano?

I offer, for your edification, a dog in a cemetery full of wildflowers, barking at Jesus:



I should also mention that Self Help Radio started the month of April off with a show entirely about cheese. Mmm, cheese. Did you miss it? Or would you like seconds? Well, the cheese buffet is open over at selfhelpradio.net. Dig in!

4 Shows To Go!

Omigosh! We're in the final stretch! Only four shows to go!

I am going to resist listing famous foursomes - no Fantastic Four, nothing about calling birds - & instead warn you that the best is yet to come. You heard me! You might just fucking love to listen to Self Help Radio on your boring-ass ride home from your sanity-crippling job, & you may be relying on it on Fridays in the same way you used to need to visit a prostitute to be spanked for being very, very bad - but it'll soon be gone, my friend. There'll be another KOOP program. It won't be Self Help Radio.

But even though I'm pretty sure the KOOP program that will occupy the timeslot then will be fine & you'll barely remember, weeks from now, how Self Help Radio loved you long time, I will just let you know - as a kindness, as a public service - it could be an admonition, it could be a promise, it could be a simple piece of information - I must let you know that Self Help Radio is nowhere near meeting its potential. You heard me! The best is yet to come!

You'd hate to miss it, now, wouldn't you?

So make sure you either bookmark the Self Help Radio home page or send me an email to be reminded of the podcasts. Because you will regret missing it, in the same way you regret that last glass of whiskey every night around 2:30 am. Or you'll regret it the way I regret that last glass of whiskey. It tastes so good but it hurts so bad.

If you must listen on the real radio with real radio waves, then fine: today at 4:30, a show about cheese. Delicious!

Does Humor Belong On The Radio?

Dunno, but you're not as funny as you think you are. Nor am I as funny as you wish I were. Or will be. Or may be. Or.

Once upon a time - not too long ago - seriously, it's what they call "the recent past," which is I suppose the antonym of "the near future" now that I think about it - anyway, a programmer (who may or may not have actually been a medical professional) called Dr Debra did a novelty show. She did it mainly on the interwebbing, but fortunes changed, stations caught fire, & she got an fm slot on Wednesday late mornings.

Alas! Life takes its toll! The whims & phlegms of fate sadly forced the doctor to move her practice to the untamed wilderness some have called Oklahoma. What to do? Well, some valiant KOOPers have attempted to take her place until the end of the season. & God help me, I am one.

You can listen to my sub show from yesterday at the Self Help Radio home page site thing. There are songs about medical conditions, songs about bananas, & a song about a famous Basset Hound, among other things. Ha ha! I say. Ha ha!

Will I be asked to step in again? Is there any penalty for impersonating a funny doctor? Who knows? Oh the winds & phlegms of fate!

Whither Cheese?

Seriously, you have to ask?

You've obviously never heard my radio show.

Preface To Cheese: The Rot That Changes Lives

Oh, it's true. You can smoke your own cheese. But making it? Is making your own cheese what you really want to do?

The way (not the whey, thank you) I feel about cheese is similar to the way most people who eat meat (I don't eat meat) feel about killing animals themselves. Most every meat-eating human you know could never, never, never kill a cow & process it to make themselves a burger. They just couldn't. Luckily, they can go to their local McWendy's-In-The-Whatabox King. Someone else somewhere else did the dirty work & even better, it doesn't look anything like a cow!

Similarly I with cheese. I couldn't make it. It would be hazardous to my eating of it. & I love cheese. Not all cheese types, & not all the time, but cheese as a delicious idea oh yes I love.

Hey! I might be able to make processed cheese, if all it took was mixing human-made chemicals in a test tube & then baking some possibly edible polymer. Mmm. I'd color it funky colors, too. Neon blue cheese anyone?

Damn, talking about this makes me hanker for a hunk o'cheese!

A Layman's Guide To Videos About Sleep On Youtube

I am sitting here at work trying to get some project-related stuff done & for some reason I am listening to Woody Guthrie. It's making me feel weird. Partially because it's tropical outside. Partially because it's always weird to hear someone call Jesus Christ "a working man" in a song. That dude never worked a day in his life. He lived off the trust fund his dad set up for him.

Anyway, there are three things to say today, & the first of them is to say there are three things to say. Wait. That can't be right.

The second is: if you missed last Friday's television theme song spectacular, you can hear it again (as I've been saying) in reruns (har har) over at selfhelpradio.net. I call it the TV Show but it's really just a bunch of weird covers of television themes. It's like remembering your childhood with a lot of other people's memories.

I also wanted to make sure that YOU know that after I finish my run of Self Help Radio on KOOP, I am continuing the show as a podcast. How will you know? You never come to this blog! You don't write me anymore! When was the last time you invited me over to your house for drinks & dancing? Since we're obviously not as close as we used to be, maybe you should send me an email & tell me to remind you when I post new podcasts. One lousy email. & I don't drink all your whiskey.

I swear there were three things I wanted to say. Maybe the last was me saying that there were three things but obviously I'm dumb & I forgot the last one. Or maybe I just thought it was three because it's handy to have three things to say at any given time. Oh well. Back to Woody Guthrie. Damn these dust storms!

5 Shows To Go!

That's right. One more show in KOOP's Membership Drive, & a month's worth of shows after that. There, there. Stop your sobbing. Or I'll send Ray Davies. He's a real prick when people are crying.

Self Help Radio won't end! You can always go to the Self Help Radio website & there'll be new shows until I land elsewhere! & probably until I die! After that, not so much. Send me an email, I'll make sure you're notified when a new show is posted.

Meanwhile, KOOP Membership Drive goes on. Listen today & make a pledge at koop.org, or call in when I'm on the air live, Texas time, 4:30 to 6pm. The station that makes uncomfortable programming like Self Help Radio possible needs your help.

I need a shower & a shave. See you at 4:30!

March Madness!

Is it still March Madness? Does that have anything to do with the great actor Frederic March? Am I total geek or what?

I am happy to write that, although it's almost April, I have posted this month's Self Help Radio Extra. It's a CD-long mix of awesome tunes without any talking from me at all. Well, I might be a voice in your head. I can't help that.

So please visit the Self Help Radio website for a special mix from me to you. Because I am fond of you. There. I said it.

Whither The TV Show?

The Self Help Radio website says this week's theme is "The TV Show" but that's bit misleading. It's not going to be a show about television. It's going to be a show featuring covers of television theme songs. It's just that "The TV Show" sounds so good, I thought it better than "The TV Theme Song Show," which would have been far more accurate but doesn't really roll off the tongue.

So, a show about television theme songs. Should be fun, right? Wrong! It'll be FUN. All caps. Unless you're one of those weirdoes who doesn't watch television or - oh God it's too much to contemplate - worse if you're one of those people who DIDN'T WATCH TV AS A CHILD. I remember a moment - a rare moment - when, as a kid, I was talking to a girl - I think her named was Tracy - & I was talking about something I saw on a TV show the nice before, & she said, "My parents don't let me watch television." I was horrified. I felt like I should perhaps call Child Services or something. Unbelievable & cruel.

My love of music inevitably meant some of my favorite songs in the world would be television themes. I want to say a sad goodbye in public to the television theme song, by the way. Most network shows these days don't have theme songs, because the amount of time (now nearly twenty minutes per hour) given to advertisers means there's barely any time to spare, so new shows generally now have an intro screen & run the credits over the first few minutes of the show. Not on cable, though - HBO shows still have credits, for example. Maybe my show is also a eulogy & funeral service for the Network TV theme song. It died young!

I hope I didn't confuse anyone, at any rate. I just like to say "The TV Show." It sounds good.

Preface To The TV Show: Insert Something About TV On The Radio Here

Do you wonder where weird verbal habits you get come from? For example, when you say something rude or ridiculous or self-deprecating & you say, as your friends or whoever's around is laughing (you hope), "Did I say that out loud?" I do that occasionally, & it gets chuckles, & of course I've seen it on television & in movies, but I can't remember the first time I ever heard it. Maybe it didn't have much effect on me when I first heard it, but repetition made it more desirable to add to my idiom vocabulary.

One thing I say - like, way too much - is a play on the phrase "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." I like to say, "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it," which was, I thought, my clever way of mixing up the two phrases, the one above & the phrase "Don't burn your bridges behind you." Man I thought I was cool.

About two years ago, I was watching Nick At Nite or something & they were playing old episodes of "Three's Company." I watched that show straight through my childhood, even watching the "sequel" "Three's A Crowd," such was my devotion. So imagine my surprise when one of the characters - probably Chrissy - used the phrase, as an obvious mistake, worthy of a double take, "I can burn that bridge when I get to it."

How could I not have gotten that phrase from that particular episode?

It's time like this when I wonder what kind of personality I would have if it hadn't been for television. Discuss among yourselves.

X-Ray Isis

No, I don't know what the title of today's blog entry means. It came to me in a dream. A dream about a city being slightly scrubbed & left to dry in the warm Spring sun. Until - you know the rest - dragons!

That one dreams about dragons (or pimps, for that matter) shouldn't be much of a concern in this, our HBO universe. But should one brings one's dreams' inspirations to other aspects of their lives? I believe the answer may well be found in some of the most recent dream research research, which has found that people who spend a lot of time listening to other people's dream are mostly bored stiff. However, the small amount of folks who choose to pay attention (or "interpret") other people's dreams have an interest proportional to the amount of money being paid to them. & indeed, if the answer is there, the answer could be anywhere.

But scientists & people named Flower (who are never allowed to be scientists) have instead found that the answer to nearly any question can in fact be answered by people who are drinking tea. This astonishing discovery is not in the least diminished by the fact that the same could be said about most drinks (excluding buttermilk), & in the spirit of dreams & tea & also dreams, Self Help Radio explored tea in a dainty matter on last Friday's show. The subject of which was tea.

It's available to be listened to at selfhelpradio.net. I suggest you bring milk & sugar if you like that with your radio shows. Also, we're all out of cookies. Sorry. They went like cookie cakes. Is that the right expression?

6 Shows To Go!

Six is a magic number. It is the number of beers, sodas & wine coolers in an appropriately-named six-pack. When two sixes are together, they can be a retired age or a famous route. Also, if three sixes are near each other, they signify a beast. This doesn't apparently happen with four sixes, which is a time in the distant future when the United States finally gets out of Iraq.

Six is the number of the shows I have left on KOOP. Do I have to keep saying that I plan to continue Self Help Radio as an obscure podcast? (From an obscure radio show to an obscure podcast! Ha!) Okay, I won't.

I should continue to remind you that KOOP is having its Spring Membership Drive, so you most certainly should be giving money to this fine radio station. If you do it during Self Help Radio (which is today, you know, from 4:30 to 6pm), it'll be a small salve to my damaged self-esteem, but if you do it during any other time, I don't mind - the money is for non-commercial radio, not my booze fund.

Listen! It'll be a tea party!

Talk To The Bears (In The Bear Suits)

I had the great pleasure to talk to Iain & Jan of Norwich England's proudest children, Bearsuit, when they were stranded here last weekend for SXSSSSS. Much thanks to that precocious little peanut, Lace, for letting me interrupt Ear Candy for the interview. If you want to hear the chat we had, along with a few Bearsuit tunes, you can listen in the usual place: selfhelpradio.net.

I remind you: soon I won't be on the radio & will only exist as a disembodied podcast. If you want to be reminded when my new podcasts come around, send me an email & I'll put you on a list. I'll be glad you care.

Whither Tea?

Why thank you! I will have a cup of tea. Two sugars please. Thanks so much.

This isn't herbal tea, is it? Ah, good! That's not really tea, now, is it? No, it's just some twigs & leaves disguised as tea. You & I know the difference, don't we! We don't just enjoy tea - we're not just tea enthusiasts, are we, no! We're lovers of tea & scholars of tea!

Quick! Name the four kinds of tea! You got it! Black tea, oolong tea, green tea & white tea. Say! Are those cookies over there? Don't mind if I do.

Do you know, some people don't even know where tea came from. Imagine! You can try to tell them that tea was enjoyed in China for thousands of years before any white fellow with a British accent sipped it in some manicured garden & they'll act as if you've called Jesus Christ a filthy cocksucker! It's true. But why deny this delicious beverage its true lineage? How does that denigrate it for the likes of us? Not at all, you're right! & yes, I'll have another cup!

No, tell even a relatively smart person that tea came to England through a marriage to a Portuguese princess & they'll get huffy & perhaps daydream about hitting us. Or try this: mention that the rise of tea in England parallels the rise of sugar consumption from the slave fields of the Caribbean - & note that the sweetest tea in the world is still drunk today in the American south - & they'll screw their faces up like they either having a stroke or a painful bowel movement. All this over tea! What an important libation!

Oh you know I would love to stay to have another cup, but I must be off. I don't mind this lackadaisical consumption of tea in a button-down setting, but I will let you know I prefer a more - shall we say - structured approach to my tea. So I am inviting you to my next tea party! I will be combining some Japanese & Chinese methods of preparation & service to some rituals I have been dreaming about lately, given to me in my sleep by FBI Agent Dale Cooper of television's Twin Peaks & by Stephen Strange, also known as Marvel Comics' sorcerer supreme, Dr. Strange. Please bring an appetite & protective headgear!

& thanks so much for the tea!

Preface To Tea: Is There Any More Sugar, Sugar?

All this talk about hot beverages has made me thirsty.

Here is a sentence that just popped into my head: "Emile Zola drinks the blood of a goose." It's important for you to understand that sentences like that just pop into my head with frightening regularity.

I have nothing personally against Emile Zola. Everything I know about doing laundry in the late 19th century I learned from him. But my head seems to want to spread malicious rumors about him in the present tense although he's very very dead.

What's worse, just now, I've been wanting my head to cause other ridiculous sentences to come into existence (with a pop!) but my head, as if it has performance anxiety, refuses to comply. What's up with that? Instead of sentences that are weird, here's the most recent sentence it has produced: "I'm sleepy." It followed that with "When I get home perhaps I should nap."

My head apparently will not perform on demand, so I must try to think of something else to get it to unwittingly do something that I need it to do if I every want you to believe that my brain creates odd sentences at random. So now I need to go back to my thirst, which will not & cannot be slaked by hot liquids.

What? You're as crazy as my head! They can put ice in tea? & they call it Iced Tea? & it's very common in the American south?

Well, fuck me.

Didn't you notice already?

Last week's stimulating show (har, har) about coffee is sitting on the burner waiting for you to have a cup over at selfhelpradio.net. Please to download.

Hey, & while you're listening, do notice that we're talking about something called a "membership drive." That's the name we give to our twice-yearly event when we ask for the support we need to survive. So while you're listening, scootch over to koop.org & help us out. Pretty please.

7 Shows To Go!

& nearly half of them are Membership Drive shows. So today you may not only tune in to hear at least ninety minutes worth of caffeinated talk & songs about coffee, but also you'll hear us ask nicely for money for the station's continued support. You can call during Self Help Radio today & make me feel loved, or you can visit KOOP's web site to donate online. Keeping independent radio independent - don't you wanna?

Yes, today's show is about coffee. Tune in! Only seven more chances to do that here in Austin! Live at 4:30 pm on the 91.7 frequency, or online at koop.org. Archived later at that web page I have.

Listen! Call! Give! Have a cuppa joe!

Be My Guest!

A nice fellow who happened to be female who also happened to be named Camille sat with me as we rescued a stranded hour of radio yesterday from 11am to noon. That show, in which I out my own mother as a necrophile, is available for listening to over at selfhelpradio.net. Do not tell my mother.

Also, as I am leaving the radio station soon, I am hoping you'll want to continue listening to my ridiculous show as a podcast. If that is the case, send me an email at shrpodcast at gmail dot com & I will put you on a list notifying you when new podcasts are uploaded. Doesn't that sound swell?

Whither Coffee?

According to facts that I "researched" online, Americans drink more 300 million cups of coffee a day - a third of the water consumption of Americans - basically one cup of coffee for every American, although of course YOU drink more. You stink of java, buddy.

Should we drink less coffee? Didn't I hear something about anti-oxidant levels in coffee? Or was that in an issue of Aquaman? Yes, it was. & no it wasn't. Stop reading & pay attention!

Some smarty-pants scientists with their data say coffee appears to reduce the risk of Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, cirrhosis of the liver, & the gout. But these benefits seem to come from coffee's caffeine content, & you know what? Drinking caffeinated coffee affects the arterial walls, & if you drink too much you can suffer from something unpleasantly called hypomagnesaemia (it hurts in the pants), not to mention coronary heart disease.

Coronary heart disease? Hey! I said not to mention it!

Students everywhere claim it helps their memory. I'll need another cup to remember where I read that.

When I was a kid, I thought coffee was like hot chocolate, because my mother always drank it with lots of sugar & cream. ("You want some coffee with that cream & sugar?") I still associate the smell of sweet coffee, & the pale swirly brown in the cup, with fond feelings of my mother on cold mornings. But I associate the bitterness of coffee with unhappiness in my twenties, especially espresso, which I used to cure my meth addiction. Only to get addicted to espresso. Damn it!

I want to do a show about coffee because I know how much you like it. I can do a show about Aquaman later. Your wet suit isn't going anywhere!

Preface To Coffee: Decaffeinate Me, Bitch

Coffee grows on trees. It's true. Look it up. Coffee does not just grow in houses owned by people named Maxwell. That's a damnable lie!

Coffee is loved by many people, most of whom are not famous. People like Voltaire & Balzac loved coffee, & they were famous. Now, of course, they're dead. Not all coffee lover are dead, either. Now that I think about it, they were also French. But please don't get me wrong - I don't think all coffee lovers are dead famous French men. I think, for example, some unknown French women have loved coffee.

I lost my train of thought. Do you know what scares me most about coffee? The way it stains things. Like coffee cups. Or teeth. Staining things is scary to me. But not staining. Although maybe staining.

When is the last time I had coffee? Don't ask me that! My dirty little secret this week is that I'm not a coffee drinker. I get my caffeine from beets. You heard me! I eat beets for their caffeine! What? Beets have no caffeine? Foiled again!

I must go. I leave you with: death by caffeine!

Eyes On The Side Of My Head

My shortest blog entry ever:

My show on Friday was my SXSW show. It's available for downloading & listening to selfhelpradio.net.

Do it. Do it now.

8 Shows To Go!

In this space, as I plan for the last eight Self Help Radios I do on KOOP, I would like to respond to one of the so-called "good ideas" my so-called "fans" have been so-called "sending me" (uh, I guess they are really sending them to me, sorry) (I get a little too excited with the scare quotes).

In particular, the one person who suggested that to "celebrate" the countdown of shows, I cut off a finger or two for every day, until, on the last show, I am down to only one. Helpfully, they suggest it could be a mixture of fingers & toes. Or maybe an ear, eye or nostril (!) could be subtracted. They write that they don't want to "inconvenience" me.

It seems to me that digital (& other) mutilation is a piss-poor way to "celebrate" anything, unless it's to celebrate getting rid of that ugly motherfucking thumb that has been mocking you, mocking you, mocking you since you were a child. Therefore I utterly & completely reject your idea. I will simply count the shows down in this manner, go home, & cry into my hands.

But don't be dissuaded! You can send me your suggestions anytime!.

Speaking of sadness & woe, you guessed it, show number 8 is today, & it's my show about bands I like that are coming to South By South South next week. My taste is of course more on the radio than yours, so perhaps you'll have to tune in.

If it's on the radio, it'll be on 91.7 fm.
If it's on the computer live, it'll be at koop.org.
If it's no longer March 7, it'll be at selfhelpradio.net.

See you there!

Subtle Frenzy

Hello, it's Thursday. I have looked through the list of bands coming to town next week until my eyes have started to feel sad. I am amazed at three things: 1) that so many bands are coming to town next week; 2) that so many of the bands coming to town next week have really awful names; & 3) that so many bands are coming to town next week that aren't very good.

I know, taste is a subjective thing (except, you know, with things like poo - no one likes the taste of poo), but still, as someone who puts his taste on the line every week (since everything I play is chosen by me & by a robot I built in the fourth grade), I have to say, wow. I am glad I don't have to fill more than a couple of hours of programming with this lot. Ouch.

I am of course just being silly, except about the names. Here is a list of some of the worst band names you can imagine in the universe I promise (I have left out most of the metal, "world" & hiphop names, because they are required to be ridiculous &/or include bad puns):

The Airborne Toxic Event (look, we got our name from a newspaper we opened at random!)
American Bang (wait. hunh?)
An Albatross (is the article required? i bet they have gotten mad at bloggers who forgot the article!)
A Thousand Knives Of Fire (rip Gary Gygax!)
Beasts and Superbeasts (they have weird zoos in Canada)
Bedroom Walls (I guess it beats "Kitchen Cupboards" - or does it?)
Between the Buried and Me (wait. what?)
Bound Stems (aw, they live near a florist!)
Carbon/Silicon (choose damnit!)
Care Bears on Fire (it's just not funny)
Cassettes Won't Listen (it's just not weird enough)
The Chocolate Horse (sounds delicious!)
Coconut Coolouts (sounds delightful!)
Collections of Colonies of Bees (sounds dangerous!)
The Crash That Took Me (since they're from Dallas, I assume they're talking about something financial)
Does It Offend You, Yeah? (does it embarrass you? no?)
Drop Dead, Gorgeous (someone should never have given them that comma)
The Dykeenies (this seems slightly offensive. & dumb)
Earthless (shoud've gone with "pantsless")
Envy On The Coast (since "landlocked shame" was taken)
Everlovely Lightningheart + Everthus the Deadbeats (okay, they're avant-garde-ish bands, but if they can't be clever enough to think up a good name, how clever do you think their music will be?)
Ex Cocaine (Post Cocaine would have been a much better name.)

& that's just the A-Es! I'd like to continue but I have to go to a meeting.

I'll end on a positive note: My favorite band name for a metal band at SXSW? Blunt Force Trauma. I am proud to say they're local!

Whither SXSW 2008?

Hello friends. I am writing this blog with something just a little like sadness, as this is probably the last time I will get to write about Austin's yearly clusterfuck called "South By South West." I will most probably not be in this city next year so I won't get to play bands that are coming to Austin in order to edutain you about my faves. & surely that is a sadness.

It reminds me of a time when I was squatting in a freebooter's flat in the port city of Port Arthur. Those were lonesome days with only the sound of the television tuned to the Game Show Network to keep me warmish. Years later, after a chilling rain, I attended the same television's funeral at a second-hand appliance store in nearby Corpus Christi & I truly remember thinking, "Thomas Worf was right, you can't go squat again." So too it shall be after this week's review.

& you shall surely see me standing outside the lovely offices of Entercom afterwards with tears streaming down my cheeks saying, "Oh God what have I done!" Then I'll be mugged by two coffee delivery boys as I am every Friday. They keep finding where I hide my money! Truly they are both mean & crafty!

But, as John Leopard Dirtypants has written in his fable "Zach & Dionne": Fuck yeah, life goes on, long after the trill & spilling is gone. So too I long for once more to trill & spill about this musical festival which nearly no one attends, & then I shall let it go, like I let go the remote of that long-ago pirate's television, dropping it in the grave prepared for it, & never thinking about it again.

Until now, you know. I had to think about it to make a point. Get it?

Preface To SXSW2008: Getting Fat On Tourist Dollars Is Fun!

In Austin, we like the tourists. They smell funny & they look funny but they seem to like this place we live in & they bring us lots of money. Mmm, money.

However, money isn't everything, & certainly that is a lesson that South By South West teaches us. Fame is also important. Also, getting people to scramble about madly from place-to-place to catch a few admittedly unsatisfying minutes of one's favorite band when they are definitely not at their best because they've been scheduled to play after a sixteen piece jam band at a venue that was a used book store recently converted to a "space" for bands only after three interns at South By South West International were dispatched to the City Codes office to offer sexual favors for anyone who could expedite the process. Yes, besides money, there's fame & desperation. Mmm, desperation.

I confess I don't spend money on "wristbands" nor do I use my considerable media muscle (ahem) to force my way into venues. But I do drink a lot of an evening & weep into my hands while no one's looking. But I also do that at other times besides South By South Ugh, so that's not important. What is important is that the city thinks you're a moderately well-off (but distant) relative & is glad you're leaving on Sunday. It completely expects you to pay for everything while you're here & that's why it doesn't mind if you throw up all over the place (like you will).

This is true for the musicians, too. I mean, come on! We're a city that doesn't even appreciate the musicians we got! So feel free to despoil our children & drink our watered-down well drinks - you're going to be racking up some debt while you're here, believe you me.

Yes, tourists reinforce Austin's self-importance, & well that should. Listen - if you didn't come twice a year now (also for the ACL thing in the fall), this damn city might actually have to get a job!

If I Were Billy Preston...

This is an embarrassing thing to discuss in what amounts to a group setting because I don't spend a whole lot of time imagining what I would do if I could be someone else or even wanting to be someone else & let's be honest here most folks who spend a lot of time imagining what they'd do if they were someone else are not really imagining what they would do but rather imagining just being that other person & doing whatever that person did because the reason you'd want to be a specific person outside of yourself is not the ineffable qualities of that person somehow applied to your condition but instead you experiencing what you have decided are amazing moments in some much famous person's life & it being you rather than the person inspiring another person like you but which isn't you which is my way of saying that since I don't really do that I probably wouldn't want to be Billy Preston as I don't really have much of a yen to reproduce much of what he did in this life except perhaps appear in the motion picture Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band if only to hang out with underrated British comedian Frankie Howerd & to also fulfill a lifelong wish to beat the living shit out of Maurice Gibb.

This doesn't mean I don't like Billy Preston or don't like the song "Will It Go Round In Circles" (I fucking love that song). Just that I wouldn't want to be him, in the same way I wouldn't want to be pretty much any musician. You're the one who brought up Billy Preston. It could easily have been Patsy Cline or Nick Cave or Holger Czukay.

Now that that's out of the way, may I remind you that you experienced a "leap day" this year, on February 29, & you won't get to do that for four more years now, but you can return to ninety delicious minutes of that day as they were celebrated on Self Help Radio simply by visiting selfhelpradio.net. I don't know this for a fact but I have it on good authority that if enough of us experience that show over & over we may also add an extra day to March!

9 Shows To Go!

It's not fair it's not fair! The year gets an extra day but I don't get an extra show! Why me Lord why me?! I finally understand the blues!

All right, sport. Chin up. Back straight. Knees slightly bent. Don't be a mewler, be a man! You know you have to go. You know that you'll be leaving the city some call "Austin" soon enough, & you know it would be unfair to simply do your show until the day you leave. It'd be selfish! & real men are not selfish. Well, except in bed. But you are not in bed! You are leaving a fine community radio station with dignity. Do not embarrass us.

I'll try to be strong, I will. But I am so very lonesome & sad right now. Nine shows! That's as many stories as in JD Salinger's Nine Stories! That's as many lives as a cat has! That's as many nines as were naughty when we learned about naughty number nine! That's many holes as half the holes at a miniature golf course or even the number of holes at a really small strip-mall enclosed miniature golf course where once I had drunk an entire pint of Everclear in an orange slushie & I tried to steal a kiss from JF but she swing the little plastic club & hit my elbow & the nachos went everywhere! Nine is not a good number! I am very worried about the number nine!

No. I must be strong. Think about Batman. Batman would want to vanquish a set number of villains before he retired, or, since I'm not really stopping the making of the radio shows, I'm just leaving KOOP, let's assume Batman is moving from Gotham City to, say, Metropolis, just to fuck with Superman. Surely Batman would have a set number of baddies - say, nine - he'd like to make sure were all tucked away in Arkham Asylum before he split, right? & don't I share a lot of qualities with the Batman? We're both OCD!

Yea! As the clock ticks down, you can listen to the first of the last nine Self Help Radios today, on the air at the 91.7 fm frequency, live at 4:30pm, & on the computer net at koop.org. I'll archive it later if you're way too depressed to listen.

I'm a mewler!

PS: Didn't think I could name nine Batman foes? Ha! 9. Killer Croc; 8. Riddler; 7. Clayface; 6. Penguin; 5. Scarecrow; 4. Mister Freeze; 3. Two-Face; 2. R'as Al-Ghul; 1. Joker. Wanna know how I did? Maybe there's a list of Batman enemies online?

What's So Damned Funny?

Oh, nothing really. Yesterday I subbed KOOP's novelty/comedy show, which is called "Dr. Debra's Gone Mad!" & played some silly songs & stand-up, including music by the likes of the Dead Milkmen & Tiny Tim, & stand-up by Louis CK & Michael Ian Black. Plus! Extra! Songs about cats! & a version of a Paul McCartney song you can actually stand to listen to!

You can experience the whole show in the regular place: selfhelpradio.net.

Here are two anecdotes about the show yesterday which weren't broadcast (since they happened in the studio while I was playing music).

Anecdote the first:
The Entercom studio which the corporation has graciously let us use of course still belongs to them, & a tech fellow was around taking inventory, which he ominously said was "for when you guys are done." Eep! Anyway, he brought in what appeared to be his boss around the time I was playing the Tiny Tim song. The dude, who looked a lot like Mike Farrell & was carrying a coffee cup in the way Dave Foley's character always did on News Radio, said, "Is that Tiny Tim?" I said it was. He said, "Amazing! & it's not even his hit!" As he was leaving, he said to me, "I bet you're the only person in America playing Tiny Tim on the radio right now." For some reason, I just thought, "That's what KOOP's all about."

Anecdote the second:
The last song I played was the Mike Flowers Pops's version of "1999" & a very square middle-aged guest of the next show (a news & public affairs show called "A Neighborly Conversation") said, "Who's doing this horrible version of that Prince song?" When I told her I thought the cover was better than the original, she looked at me like I had told her that her kids were stinky. Which made me think, "Isn't it odd that this person who's on KOOP doesn't appear to listen to KOOP?"

Anecdote the synthesis:
I think I kinda liked the fact that the corporate executive was both more hip & had a greater sense of humor than the grassroots community activist.

Whither The Leap Day Show?

Because it's happening on February 29.

Now that that's out of the way, I'll take a moment to answer some of the other questions you've been asking me, either by email or in my dreams. Dead people who listen to Self Help Radio & who haunt me will NOT get their questions asked, as they are usually inane & generally a waste of everyone's time. Dead people ask the dumbest motherfucking questions.

I am NOT a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman. I don't know how that rumor got started but I am pretty sure I was drunk at the time.

There are many reasons to leave an organization like KOOP, but among those reason, I am not leaving because I got KOOP pregnant. KOOP & I are close, but we are just friends. Sheesh. I know KOOP is kind of homely, but surely a radio station like that can do better than ME. Plus, how do you know KOOP is pregnant? Who told you?

Thank you for your cards & letters, but I am not sick with Lou Ferrigno's disease. There really isn't any such thing as Lou Ferrigno's disease. Who would name a disease after Lou Ferrigno? Wouldn't a disease like that just make you awesome?

I thank both Z & S (whose names do not begin with those initials) for their requests for upcoming themes. I like that you want me to do shows about things like "battered spouse syndrome," "kitty box odors" & "songs that rhyme the word 'serrated'," but I probably won't get to them any time soon. Also, I think you should perhaps seek mental help.

Thanks all for now. See you Friday. We'll be leaping.

Preface To The Leap Day Show: What Can We Do On Our Extra Day?

Oh goodie! Science in its infinite wisdom has given us a whole extra day this year! I've looked everywhere to see if there's a catch, but nope: it's free! They're giving it to us for free!

I haven't checked yet to see if this day is actually subtracted from the days that are normally alloted to us by the Fates, but I'm guessing it's not, since it's also tax-deductible. (I think.) Since they've decided to place the day on a Friday, & since no one has to work on any extra day added to a calendar (that's a rule), it's also like you get a three-day weekend!

I have to do my show, since it's a Friday & since my KOOP shows are dwindling, but except for that ninety-minute period, you should totally do whatever you want. I mean, wow! An extra day! Science in its infinite wisdom hasn't done anything that cool since eliminating days in the Dark Ages by switching from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar. People in those times (except the Russians, who, as usual, got completely fucked over by the Tsar) were so damned grateful that two more weeks of suffering, disease, hopelessness & misery were taken off their lives they agreed not to fuck with the Catholic Church until around the end of the 17th Century. & you know what? Peasants living in squalor keep their promises!

Another thing I'm almost completely certain about is this: since it's an extra day, it'll exist outside the bounds of the normal workings of the space-time continuum. & you know what that means: Klingons! Fuck yeah! Not only that, but the laws of science won't apply, & if the laws of motherfucking science don't apply, neither will the paltry human-made laws of our civilization. You can do whatever you want - just remember it resets at 12:01 on Saturday morning. & nothing will turn into a pumpkin, so pay attention to what you're doing!

I officially say to you have a happy extra day! I hope you'll have fun & do something crazy - but I have a bad feeling that you, like me, will sleep in, order a pizza, listen to the radio, rent something you have already seen but have forgotten about (& you'll say "fuck it" & watch it again), & fall asleep with your hand clutched around a bottle of cheap booze.

Oh leap day! Why must science in its infinite wisdom mock us so?

Why Do You Say Nothing About My New Socks?

For weeks you have been carping & complaining & otherwise making me feel like a pauper or a homeless person by telling me how frayed & grubby my socks are. Now that I have gone out - at great expense to my self-esteem - & gotten a new pair, you have said NOTHING. You have not even noticed them! What's the point of being such a dick & making me feel so bad if you aren't even going to notice when I make the CHANGE that you want me to make?

At this point I should make sure you know that I now have more than one pair of socks. I will add that I don't have more than two COMPLETE pairs of socks, but since you've begun ignoring my socks, I may return to my admittedly lazy habit of wearing mismatched pairs. I would like to certainly be able to explain where exactily my socks' partners have ended up, but I really don't know. There was an entire episode of CSI: Pflugerville about this, although it won't air until after the people who wrote it are allowed to write again after scabbing during the writers' strike.

I'm sick of talking about socks now. I'm going to go listen to my radio show, which is called Self Help Radio. Last Friday's show, which was not about socks (sadly) but instead was about guessing (radly) is up over at the Self Help Radio website. So even though I was there, I feel like I missed it, & if you feel that way, too, you should go listen to it.

I warn you, though. I did that show in my old socks.

10 Shows To Go!

Ten things to expect from the last ten episodes of Self Help Radio on KOOP:

1) More nudity.
2) Security has increased, so there will be fewer folks wandering into the studio, staring intently at Gary, & then breaking into a rage & just hitting him, hitting him, hitting him.
3) For guests, we've added a new fruit to the fruit basket: kiwi!
4) Gary has recently begun dealing with his crippling halitosis problem, so it should be easier to listen to Self Help Radio close up.
5) That thing where there's some sort of theme, & then there's a lot of music played vaguely, often tenuously, based on the theme? Yeah, that's not going to change. Sorry.
6) An extra laugh will be added to each episode. If you can't find your extra laugh, please talk to your radio provider.
7) It's dissertation season, so (as usual) there are dozens of academic treatises written about Self Help Radio & the damage it does not only to individual psyches, but also to the fabric of the space-time continuum. For the first time, at least half of those dissertations will be written in Chinese!
8) Annoying child character introduced in last season to be written out of the show entirely.
9) Up to 43% more discomfort per half hour.
10) The role of Gary to be played in the last three episodes by Corey Flintoff.

You don't want to miss the final ten episodes on KOOP! Listen online or listen to it live! Today at 4:30pm Austin time!

Zippo Says

It's very weird that a lot of folks are surprised by my outside volunteer work, like my tremendous support for the International Crusade For Holy Relics. They note that I, for example, own three Shrouds Of Turin, enough pieces of the cross they crucified Jesus on to make a full set of three, seventeen nails for nailing up a savior, & a whole photo album of polaroids that Martha & Mary took the day of the event, but the important thing is I don't disrespect these holy relics by selling them on eBay. That's just tacky.

I also enjoy mentoring kids in the natural sciences, where I often help them with their science experiments. You can guess which have been influenced by me - Crystal Meth: Friend Or Foe is of course one of my upcoming themes.

Oh, & of course, I donate a lot of my time to being high school mascots at sporting events. Have a look at where I get most of my costumes. Awesome.

I like to read short stories online, too. & worry about the destruction of the planet.

Of course, I also spend a great deal of time just getting old, & one of things that happens when you get old is that people you love & admire also get old. & they sometimes die before you. & sometimes you wish you could have a radio show every damn day of the week so you could give them a going-away they really deserve. So I say goodbye to Jim Jones, whose guitar work illuminated some of the best so-called "post punk" (even when it was before punk) in the world, with Pere Ubu. I'll find a way to say goodbye, Jim. I promise.

Whither Guessing?

The two doctors met in the room, one a resident at the hospital, the other a specialist called in for this very case. The patient in the room was on the verge of death.

"Can we treat him?" the first doctor asked.

"I guess," the other said.

"You guess?!" the resident said, exasperated. "Aren't you a world renowned expert on communicable diseases?"

"I guess," the expert said.

"There you go, guessing again!" his companion yelled. "There can be no guessing when it comes to a patient's life! You want this patient to survive, don't you?"

"I guess," the expert repeated.

"What the hell?!" This doctor was clearly terribly angry. "You don't feel strongly enough about your own patient to want to fight for his life?! Have you not heard of the Hippocratic Oath?"

"I guess not," the expert said, staring at the patient & apparently not affected by his companion's temper.

"It doesn't sound like you've even been to college!" the doctor thundered. "You are a fraud, sir! A scoundrel! You are a quack & you should not be allowed to practice medicine in this hospital!"

The other doctor seemed unmoved, oblivious to the other doctor's clenched fists, beads of sweat on his brow, & heavy breathing. After a moment, the resident said, "You will let me talk to you in this way?"

The specialist said, "I guess."

The first doctor threw his hands in the air & stormed out of the room, swearing & waving his arms in a frantic way. After a moment, noticing he was alone, the expert pulled up a chair & sat next to the patient, who was looking miserable indeed.

"Ah, there you are, doctor," a man said, entering the room. He held a folder which he offered to the specialist. "Here's the test results," he said. "It was exactly what you thought it was, which is incredible, since we wouldn't normally have run those tests. I have to ask, though: how did you know that he had such a rare condition?"

"I guessed," the doctor said.

Preface To Guessing: I Guess I'm Doing A Show About Guessing

Famous quotes about guessing:

"A friend should be a master at guessing and keeping still: you must not want to see everything."
- Friedrich Nietzsche, famously mysterious-acting

"The shrewd guess, the fertile hypothesis, the courageous leap to a tentative conclusion - these are the most valuable coin of the thinker at work. But in most schools guessing is heavily penalized & is associated somehow with laziness."
- Jerome S. Bruner, famously penalized for being lazy

"Who can ... guess how much industry & providence & affection we have caught from the pantomime of brutes?"
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, famously not good at sports

"I am sure,
Though you can guess what temperance should be,
You know not what it is."
- William Shakespeare, famously drunk

"When we hew or delve:
After-comers cannot guess the beauty been."
- Gerard Manley Hopkins, famously manly hewer/delver

"The power to guess the unseen from the seen, to trace the implications of things, to judge the whole piece by the pattern, the condition of feeling life in general so completely that you are well on your way to knowing any particular corner of it - this cluster of gifts may almost be said to constitute experience."
- Henry James, famously just guessing at shit

"I never guess. It is a shocking habit—destructive to the logical faculty."
- Sherlock Holmes, famously fictional ( & awesome!)

"Dancing is a wonderful training for girls, it’s the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it."
- Christopher Morley, famously predictable

I guess that's enough. For today.

Off Whitening

I love the titles of spam messages. I don't read them, although I feel a little guilty about that. That's someone's livelihood I am disrespecting! Etc.

Here are some titles from today's treasure trove of unsolicited email:

-- Pull of Huge Jackpot
What does that mean? Are they trying to convince me that their online gambling establishment is exerting some kind of force drawing me to them? I just don't feel it.

-- Watch the lust in her eyes when you whip out your 9 inch monster
It sounds like I am about to unleash a devil puppy on a perversely motivated woman who's into bestiality. I know I am something of a prude, but good lord, why would it be attractive to describe your thingie as a "monster"? Aren't monsters supposed to be scary, or, like the Elephant Man, distorted or horrible examples of humans?

-- Small |nstrumment is not a problem.
Oh, wait. Actually, I think this is an email from my girlfriend trying to make me feel better after last night. Not spam at all. Never mind.

- Buy Must Have medications at Canada based pharmacy.
"Canada based"? & why must I have them? Do Canadian pharmacies sell ecstasy? No? Then I am fine. Canadians! Feh!

- Those locker room stares will be for the right reason...
Oh, back to this. Wouldn't the "wrong reason" depend upon one's sexual orientation? Is the right reason mentioned above envy? Really?

- You can listen to last week's Self Help Radio up now at selfhelpradio.net...
I hate these worst of all. God damn radio show people pimping their second-rate non-commercial garbage. Grrrr. & this show is about "butchers"! Why not do what The Retarded Bob Dylan is doing with his show & pick simple subjects like love, hair, rain, & interns? I can abide most spam but the spam I send to myself I just loathe.

I subbed the jazz show Non-Breaking Space yesterday & should also have that show up soonish. Then I'll spam myself again. Because if I don't, who will? Me. That's who.