Preface To Elevators & Escalators: Which Do You Prefer?

Some opinions here & here.

People on the Straight Dope message board discuss it here.

There's no word for a fear of elevators (it's close to claustrophobia) but if you are - & I think I know a claustrophobic person who does not in fact ride elevators - here are some tips to help out.

(Snap a rubber band?)

Apparently being afraid of escalators has a name, & it's escalatophobia.  These aren't quite tips, but here's a lot more information about escalatophobia.


Myself, I was always much more afraid of escalators than elevators.  To this day, the first step is a deliberate one - after all, there's an evil, reverse side of the escalator that we can't see - but which, it always seems, is lit with evil green light.  Isn't the light coming from the inside of an escalator always green?  What is lit with green light?


Evil is.


The scariest escalators in the world are in Washington, D.C.'s subways system.  Falling down this is not how I want to die:

Please Wait Ten Seconds

Does anyone remember Colorforms?

Do they still make Colorforms?

I wish I could go back in time & watch myself play with Colorforms.  I have memories of entire stories unfolding on that two dimensional space, with the strange plastic shapes ("forms") moved around like terrible animation by me, often mixing in some other Colorforms characters from different sets.  I remember sometimes continuing stories over the course of days.  Me, all by myself in a room, making a movie with my hands, my little brain & a couple of Colorforms stages.

I know that kids today get used to having constant stimulation & find such immobile things dull.  A friend of my wife tells me his kids find Mister Rogers boring.  Imagine!  I have no illusions that any child would have the same experience I had with Colorforms.

What I would like to hear were the stories I acted out.  I am a terrible storyteller - a failed writer - which I think is obvious - & I have no sense of plot or character development - & the adventures I was enacting were probably cliched & dull, whole narratives lifted from comic books or cartoons.

But what if they weren't?  I think it wouldn't hurt for me to find out.

Though I never will.

Grackle

I have a bird feeder.  I like to see birds very happily flutter around it & eat.  In general, I'd love to have many, many different kinds of birds, but over time it gets overrun with sparrows with the occasional dove, blue jay & cardinal hanging around.  I'd prefer a few more finches.

I bought the kind of bird feeder which is supposed to be primarily for small birds, "songbirds."  It has a circular metal grill that surrounds it which should only allow birds of a certain size, but because seed falls to the feeder floor, a larger bird can grasp the feeder & stick its head in.(*)  I don't always mind when it's a lovely bird, like a cardinal, although the bigger birds do tend to shoo the smaller birds away.

At some point recently, though, the most hated of birds descended upon my feeder: the grackle.  Suddenly they were everywhere, & they're big bullies, & they were battering the bird feeder to make the seed inside fall to the ground.  Big & stupid is one thing - big & smart is a bad combination.

In Austin, the grackles rule the University of Texas campus.  They are a trouble for the entire city - as this recent article in the city's "newspaper" reports.  They are such a fact of life that the smell of their excrement, their screeches from the trees at sunset & otherwise, & the ever-present danger of being shat upon as you wander across campus, all these things are almost taken for granted.

But in Kentucky?  I suppose I would see them in parking lots, but not in neighborhoods.

Eventually, I had to remove the bird feeder.  Just stepping outside, I could hear their calls, which sound like a sick animal clearing its throat, & they'd be visible at the tops of trees as the leaves were slowly coming back, at the end of winter/beginning of spring.  I imagined they were calling me names, but I know they're resourceful birds who can survive on most everything.  It was, as always, the smaller creatures that suffered.  All these grackles, everywhere, making noise that reminded me a little of home.

Until this past week.  I noticed the grackles had gone.  I put the bird feeder back out.  So far, no big bully-bird to bother the others.  & of course I have even seen a few finches, though of course the sparrows will probably crowd them away.  The sparrows have one thing the grackles don't have - they're awful cute.

I'm not anywhere near an amateur ornithologist, but I wonder: do grackles just come to my neighborhood to breed in early spring?  Do they go somewhere else when their children can fly?  I've asked a couple of people who've lived here a long time, but they didn't know what a grackle was.  Lucky souls!

I just hope it wasn't my bird feeder that brought them here in the first place.

(*) It's also supposed to protect from squirrels, although I've caught very young squirrels leaping into it from tall branches.

Double Double

Seeing double, or double vision, is a condition called diplopia & it can be caused by many things, all of them things I am terrified of &, as a hypochondriac, certain that I now have.  But just because each of the songs on the show today is somehow about something doubled doesn't mean you have diplopia.  It's just me.  I'm the one with the brain tumor & Graves Disease that's causing this double vision double vision.

The show is now available for listening at self help radio dot net.  It's in two parts - you're not seeing one show twofold! - & part one is available here part one is available here while part two is available here part one is available here.  The single list of double songs is below.

(part one)

"Science Fiction Double Feature" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Are A Drag_
"Double Trouble" Half Japanese _Greatest Hits_
"Double Up" C. L. Blast _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Old Double 'E'"The Electric Company _The Electric Company/Original Cast_

"Double Life" The Cars _Candy-O_
"Double Summer" The Chills _Heavenly Pop Hits (The Best Of The Chills)_
"Double Groove (Unfinished Outtake)" Talking Heads _Remain In Light_
"Double Dutch" Malcolm McLaren _Duck Rock_

"Agent Double-0-Soul" Edwin Starr _Beg, Scream, Shout: The Big Ol' Box Of 60's Soul_
"The Double Act" Grow Up _The Best Thing/Without Wings_
"Do The Double Take" Boat _Dress Like Your Idols_
"Do The Double Bump" Rufus Thomas _The Funkiest Man Alive: The Stax Funk Sessions 1967-1975_

(part two)

"Periodically Triple Or Double" Yo La Tengo _Popular Songs_
"Popcorn Double Feature" The Searchers _Ripples, Vol. 2: Dreamtime (British Sunshine Pop)_

"Double Knots" Bitesize _Sophomore Slump_
"Double Dare" Bauhaus _In The Flat Field_
"Double Chocolate Malted" Jonathan Richman _It's Time For Jonathan Richman_
"Double Fisted" Invisible Cities _Watertown_
"School Of Doubletalk" Gary Owens _Put Your Head On My Finger_
"Doubled Up" Heather Nova _Blow_

"Doubleplusgood" Eurthymics _1984 (For The Love Of Big Brother)_
"Double Vegetation" Julian Cope _Peggy Suicide_
"Double Talk" Shoes _Shoes' Best_
"Double Double Dare" Hoyt Axton _Quagmire, Vol. 8_

Whither Seeing Double?

Can I just say that nothing messes with my brain more than watching Game Of Thrones & Mad Men back-to-back.  I love both shows to distraction but for completely different reasons.  I sometimes don't know how I keep my brain in my head.

Anyway, I have to go to bed because I have to wake up again early (that is a terrible bargain in so many ways) to do a radio show.  The theme is "seeing double."  It is not inspired by actual events.  My eyesight grows poor with age, but I've never "seen double."  I've have so much to drink that the room has spun.  But never did the room split in two before me.

But there's still time!

Self Help Radio is on tomorrow morning - mere hours from now - from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & its nearby satellites.  You can always listen online from anywhere, even a satellite, at wrfl dot fm.  I have been dreadful in the last couple of weeks at putting the show online but I promise I will do it soon after at self help radio dot net.

Now it's time to go to bed.  Now it's time to go to bed.

Hey wait a second.  Hey wait a second.

What's going on? What's going on?

You think this is funny?  You think this is funny?

Ah, screw it.  Ah screw it.

Preface To Seeing Double: Adventures With Foreigner

Foreigner is one of those "classic rock" bands that you cannot escape on modern commercial radio.  & you couldn't escape them back then, either.  When I was a sprog in the late 70s, they were hugely popular.  My brain, thanks to constant exposure to those radio stations, still knows the words to songs like "Feels Like The First Time," "Cold As Ice," "Hot Blooded," &, of course, "Double Vision."

Will anyone request "Double Vision," seeing as how this week's theme is "seeing double"?

The guitarist for Foreigner is named Mick Jones, & he's British, but he's not the same person as my idol Mick Jones of the Clash - but wouldn't it be hilarious if he was & I never knew?  (Mick Jones is apparently the only original member of the band, which still exists.)

That's how little I knew about the band Foreigner - you could have mentioned the names of any of their members over the years & I would have drawn a blank.  But reciting the lyrics to "Hot Blooded"?  Hey, check it & see, I got a fever of a hundred & three, come on baby you can do more than dance!  I just wrote all those out without consulting a lyrics site because my brain has them stored up.  Memories of my childhood shoved away so I could remember mediocre "classic rock" songs.

That being said, I can't say I "hate" Foreigner.  They're probably still making lots of cash from constant airplay & I'm sure there are people my age & older who go to see them in moderately large venues - tonight they're playing a casino in Indiana & earlier they played amphitheaters in Michigan.  But I have never never nerver met anyone who will say anything like "Foreigner were the consummate rock band of the 70's" or "Foreigner changed the rock & roll landscape."  There's not a Foreigner album anyone's ever said I have to listen to.  No one cites Foreigner as an influence - well, no one good, anyway, & certainly not anyone I would be listening to, or that would be making any sort of mark .  There are some seriously overrated bands that people utterly worship who are as successful as Foreigner that otherwise right-thinking people consider to be great.

Having said that, a friend of mine who pretty much only listens to classic rock radio once got mad at me for quoting the lyrics to "Cold As Ice" to her.  She said, "Don't sing Foreigner to me!  They ruined rock & roll!"  I don't think she understood that many of the bands she loved had already destroyed rock & roll at that point - & that Foreigner was something arbitrary she picked out to focus her self-loathing.  The rest of us, of course, allowed ourselves to be rescued by punk rock.

Please don't request "Double Vision" on my show.  I could sing it to you over the phone but I won't play it, especially since the classic rock station further up the dial is probably playing it anyway - hurry!  Or you'll miss the guitar solo!

PS I just discovered that Brave Combo do a cover of "Double Vision" on their record "The Process."  I don't own it so I can't play it.  But I can't imagine it's any good.

In Season

Suddenly it's hot in Kentucky.  & humid.  It reminds me of home.  & being sweaty all the time.  I apologize, Austin.  I realize now I was sweaty all the time.

I live with a woman who watches too many documentaries who doesn't want to turn on the air conditioner despite the fact that it is 80 degrees in the house because (she says) it will kill the planet.  The documentaries tell her that.  & I am the creature with the second-least amount of fur.  Also, my computer emits tremendous amounts of heat.

I know it's nothing like Austin.  Or is it?  Outside it's 79 degrees in Lexington.  It's 81 degrees in Austin.  Thanks Weather Underground!  It's mostly the same temperature where I am & where Austin are.

Except Austin has (I believe this is the scientific term) a shit-ton more vegetarian restaurants.  Most of these seemed to open after I left.  How many?  Have a look at this web site.  If you are a vegetarian or vegan in Lexington, this should make you sad.

I have to go now.  I am going to see how hot it is in our house.  81 degrees!  It's the same temperature in our house as in Austin.  At nine o'clock at night!

Hours Later

I can't remember when I came up with a theme called "hours."  I think I've already done a show about clocks, & then later, a show called "what o'clock is it?" which mentioned specific times (ie, five o'clock).  I don't remember an epiphany, a moment when the ghost of Dead Pop Star came to me & said, "This would be a great idea for a show."  It wasn't such a great theme, after all.  Do you think my cats are fucking with me?

In any event, here's the show in all its glory.  To be fair, I read some neat information from The Discoverers by Daniel J Boorstin, which is a cool book.  The songs I played are below & the show is where it art to be at Self Help Radio dot Net.  In two parts: part one & part two.

Yes, it's a show about hours in ninety minutes.  Time is more malleable that you ever dreamed.

(part one)

"An Hour Is Sixty Minutes Too Long" Imitation Electric Piano _Trinity Neon_
"A Few Hours After This" The Cure _Join The Dots_

"Blinder By The Hour" The Triffids _Calenture_
"Hours N Hours" Boat People _Chandeliers_
"First Few Desperate Hours" The Mountain Goats _Tallahassee_
"Favourite Hour (Church Studios Version)" Elvis Costello _Brutal Youth_
"After Hours" The Velvet Underground _The Velvet Underground_

"Sweet Tasting Hours" The Go-Betweens _Spring Hill Fair_
"Dead Hour" The Guild League _Speak Up_

(part two)

"Happy Hour" The Housemartins _London 0, Hull 4_
"My Finest Hour" The Sundays _Reading, Writing & Arithmetic_
"My Finest Hour" The Lodger _Life Is Sweet_

"In The Midnight Hour" Wilson Pickett _This Is The Modern World_
"After Hours" A Tribe Called Quest _People's Instinctive Travels & The Paths Of Rhythm_
"Hourglass" Squeeze _Babylon & On_
"Hourglass" Twig _Hourglass 7"_
"Golden Hours" Brian Eno _Another Green World_

"First Hour Of The Day" The Band Of Holy Joy _The Big Ship Sails_
"None But Shining Hours" The Books _Lost & Safe_
"Sleepless Hours" Originals _Las Vegas Grind Vol. 3_
"Amateur Hour" Sparks _Kimono My House_

Whither Hours?

Can I confess something to you?  I thought this would be a more interesting theme than it's turned out to be.  Because there are a LOT OF SONGS having to do with "hours."  Apologies in advance for what might turn out to be a dull show.

Come to think of it, I should always preface my shows that way.

It will be a show about hours that only lasts ninety minutes & it will air tomorrow morning (Monday the 21st) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen live online at wrfl dot fm.  You can live recorded later at self help radio dot net.  You can try to travel into space faster than light, catch up to the stray radio waves, & listen to it as you return to Earth.  It's up to you!

Preface To Hours: Finally The Bow & Arrow Show

Gosh, I'm sorry this is so late.  I took a small vacation after my show on Monday & then had too much to do when I got back.  You didn't notice of course, but I still feel bad about it.  If I had a bow & an arrow, I'd let you shoot a radio off my head.  Or try to, at least.

Suffice it to say, I've learned my lesson: I should go on vacations more often!

The show was split in two by all the arrows shot at it.  You can find the two parts at the Self Help Radio website or you can download them directly.  Part one is right here & part one is right here.  I am tempted to make arrows to point the way like this ->>-----|>

& so I did!  The songs played on both halves are listed below.

(part one)

"Arrows & Baloons" Robert Pollard _Moses On A Snail_
"Cupid's Bow" Rodney Allen _Take The Subway To Your Suburb_
"Quiver (Arrows In My)" Bow Wow Wow _When The Going Gets Tough The Tough Get Going_

"William Tell Overture" Sounds Incorporated _Hazy Memories Vol. 2_
"Arrow In A Bow" The Go-Betweens _Send Me A Lullaby_
"Arrow Of Love" Six Teens _A Casual Look: The Flip Recordings_
"Fallen Arrow" Ida _Ten Small Paces_
"Arrow" Jeffrey Lewis with Jack Lewis & Anders Griffin _It's The Ones Who've Cracked That The Light Shines Through_
"The Flint Arrowhead" Johnny Cash _From Sea To Shining Sea_

"Broken Arrow" Neil Young _Neil Young Archives, Vol. 1: 1963-1972_
"Broken Arrows" Jose Gonzalez _Veneer_
"Broken Arrow" Chuck Berry _Johnny B. Goode/His Complete '50s Chess Recordings_

(part two)

"Days Of The Broken Arrows" The Idle Race _Nuggets II: Original Artyfacts From The British Empire & Beyond, Vol. 3_
"Slings & Arrows" The Wooly Ones _Scarey Business_

"Robin Hood" John Strachan _Songs From Aberdeenshire_
"Robin Hood" Dick James _Hello Children Everywhere_
"Little Arrows" Leapy Lee _Little Arrows_
"Me & My Arrow" Harry Nilsson _The Point!_
"Blue Arrows" Mick Harvey _Two Of Diamonds_
"Love Is An Arrow" Aberfeldy _Young Forever_
"Arrows" Mitch Hedberg _Mitch All Together_
"Zen Archer" Todd Rundgren _A Wizard, A True Star_

"Poison Arrow" ABC _Lexicon Of Love_
"Poison Arrow" Sonic Youth _The Eternal_
"Love Is Swift Arrows" Be Bop Deluxe _Axe Victim_

Still No "Bows & Arrows" Show Online

It's true, I didn't get around to it today.  Well, actually, I did get around to doing some of it, but I won't be able to get the show up by the end of the day.  Not that ANYONE REALLY GIVES A SHIT.  I have long gotten used to the fact that I mainly write this blog for me, not for any imaginary "listener" - & since I don't much care for what I write, I can only speculate on how the average person, stumbling onto this, might roll their eyes & try to find something else online, perhaps about a nipple slip.  Or a super-hero movie.

I will put the show up tomorrow.  I have just been hella busy.  Also hella lazy.  But in a busy way.  I had to watch white people play jazz in Lexington tonight.  Not all white people.  Mainly white people.  It was thunderously dull.  I am not someone who gets bored often.  But halfway through I thought seriously of maybe taking a nap.  Falling asleep on the older gentleman to my right.

The audience was mainly old people, & they enjoyed it.  The stumpy & obese "conductor" (he also played an instrument) (but looked like a cross between Penn Jillette & James Lipton), he got redder as he went on, & I worried he might stroke out at any minute.  Thank god for intermission!  Also, smokers.  We were able to sneak away, the wife & I, through the smokers, pretending we were doing the same.

Anyway.  Show.  Tomorrow.  I swear.  Like you care.

It's On The Way!

You haven't noticed, but I've been gone since Monday so I haven't posted this week's show (which was about bows & arrows).  But I will!  Soon!  Maybe not tonight, but definitely tomorrow.  Or tomorrow night.  Surely no later than Saturday.  Although Sunday is not out of the question.  Time management is not my strong suit.  I set aside time on Mondays, but if I can't put the shows up on Mondays, that task stumbles into another task's time.  Sometimes that task is "lying around eating cold sesame noodles."  Which task do you think wins that contest?

Stay tuned!

Whither Bows & Arrows?

No, it's not because of the Avengers movie, though Hawkeye is surprisingly bad-ass.  Or maybe I should just say Jeremy Renner is bad ass.  Because Hawkeye has always seemed like a low-rent Green Arrow.  & Green Arrow, done right, is really fucking bad ass.  I wonder how Jeremy Renner would look with a little yellow goatee?

This is neither here nor there, but I had a dream in which a friend did something despicable to me & I woke up wanting to unfriend him on the Facebook.

I have spent days finding songs about bows & arrows.  I hope you will spend ninety minutes tomorrow (Monday morning) listening to what I've found.  The show will air from 7:30 to 9:00 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen in real time online at wrfl dot fm.

Normally I archive my shows the very same day I air them, but I will be taking a short trip up north so the show probably won't be on the Self Help Radio website until later in the week.  I apologize!

But listen tomorrow.  There's a song about an arrow that I shall send straight to your heart.

Preface To Bows & Arrows: Archery & Outdoor Education

If you were a geek or a nerd or woefully out of shape (the conditions were not incompatible) & did not play any team sports (which actually counted as a "class" in my high school - & may still), you were still required to take "physical education."

This was an unhappy experience for me all through my schooling, because I was not only a geek or a nerd but also woefully out of shape (not much has changed, except I am no longer in high school).  Taking "P.E." was a requirement.  In middle school, it was just a class you went to.  But in high school it was something different.

You see, back then, you had to take classes that weren't general but particular.  I believe it was once a year but it may have been once a semester.  There wasn't a generic class where you did whatever activity the "coach" planned for you that day - you chose something you were supposed to spend the semester focusing on.

& there were three - & only three - of those kinds of classes for the geeky & nerdy & woefully out of shape.  One was called "Tennis/Bowling."  The second was "Golf/Bowling."  The third was "Archery/Outdoor Education."

I took the first two.  Due to a particularly weird choice my counselor made for me in ninth grade, I spent a semester as a "trainer" for the football team, which meant I passed my last period of the day in a field house handing towels to sweaty football players.  That would've been a sweet gig, but I was required to go to their games & practices, too, & not only was that completely unappealing, but I didn't have a reliable means of transportation at that age, so I would have to spend a long time walking home from school - we lived kinda far away - & getting home at eight or nine at night.

Anyway, here's a description of both Golf/Bowling & Tennis/Bowling: most of the time, you'd "dress out" (meaning, put on shorts & a tee shirt), do five or so minutes of "stretches" (giving the "coach" the opportunity to yell at you) & then you'd go outside to either play tennis or hit golf balls.  If it was one of the happy bowling days (probably just two weeks of the entire semester) (but a shit-ton of fun!), you kept your clothes on, boarded a bus, & went to a local bowling alley.

But whether it was Golf/Bowling or Tennis/Bowling, there was one constant: on Fridays, you ran.

They made us run (or walk, if you were woefully out of shape) a mile every Friday.  On the little track near the football & baseball fields.  Four times around.  Did the "coach" run?  Of course not.  He stood at the starting line with his whistle & his notepad & yelled at you as you went past.  Most of the time it was just a chance to hang out with friends in the class & take a walk.  But you had to run a little when you were passing the "coach" - less time for him to yell at you.

We had a joke about the classes that we'd tell people who (for whatever reason) wanted to know what you did there.  We'd say, "In Tennis/Bowling, they teach you how to run with a tennis racket & with a bowling ball.  In Golf/Bowling, you also learn how to run with a golf club.  In Archery/Outdoor Education, you learn to run with a bow.  The outdoor education?  They teach you how to run outdoors."

I didn't have to take Archery/Outdoor Education, though, because of being a "trainer."  I have never regretted it until now - I'm going to be doing a radio show about archery & it might have come in handy.

But probably not.

Unsafe Thoughtings

There's a person named Leapy Lee & he still plays music all the time at the age of 72.

I forgot that Katharine Hepburn lived to be 96 years old.

While cooking something yesterday, it occurred to me that aluminum foil hasn't been around for most of human history.

(That could be said for Katharine Hepburn & Leapy Lee, too.)

It's New Intro Time!

About once a year, as I mentioned in a previous post, I make a new intro for my show. I have been doing Monday mornings on WRFL for a year now, & the station, being attached to a college, has "seasons" based on semesters. The summer semester season started this week, & it's been a year since my last intro, so I made a new one.

Do you want to hear it without having to listen to an entire interminable Self Help Radio show? You can listen to the new intro here!

In case you're curious, here are the previous intros. I can't believe I keep making them.  Surely I have better things to do with my time. (*)

You can listen to the 2002 intro here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

You can listen to the 2011 intro here.

(*) Yeah, okay, I don't.

Do The Self Help Radio

Ah, dance crazes.  Who hasn't wanted to start &/or end one?  Today's Self Help Radio examines faddish & novelty dances that existed, that didn't exist, that were sarcastic commentaries on the whole concept of dance crazes, & even some dances that lasted long enough to become mainstream.  & since there was only ninety minutes, I read a bunch of other ones that I decided not to play.  Do you know how many songs about dances there are?  It's insane!

The show is dancing by itself at the Self Help Radio web site.  It's divided into two easy-to-learn steps: step one may involve putting your left foot out, while step two may involve something being shaken all about.  Details of the steps are below.

Thanks for coming to the dance!

(step one)

"Do The Dirt" The Meters _Cabbage Alley_
"Do The Clam" Elvis Presley _Girl Happy_
"Do The Hansa" The Cure _Join The Dots_

"The Twist" Chubby Checker _Twist With Chubby Checker_
"Do The Dog" Syko & The Caribs _Trojan Mod Reggae Box_
"Can Your Monkey Do The Dog" Rufus Thomas _Greatest Hits_
"Can Your Pussy Do The Dog?" The Cramps _A Date With Elvis_
"Land Of A Thousand Dances" Ike & Tina Turner _Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out! The Rolling Stones In Concert_
"I Gotta Do The Latest Dance" Gene Montgomery _Teen Town USA Vol. 5_

"Do The Choo Choo" Archie Bell & The Drells _Tightening It Up: The Best Of Archie Bell & The Drells_
"Tighten Up" Yellow Magic Orchestra _Kyoretsu Na Rhythm_
"Do The Brown Nose" The Dead Milkman _Death Rides A Pale Cow: The Ultimate Collection_

(step two)

"Do The Whirlwind" Architecture In Helsinki _In Case We Die_

"Do The Mashed Potatoes (Pt. 1)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Do The Booga Lou" King Coleman _It's Dance Time!_
"Do The Chop" The King Khan & BBQ Show _Invisible Girl_
"Do The Instant Mash" Joe Jackson _Look Sharp!_
"So, Do The Zonk" Donna Loren _Girls Go Zonk_
"Do The Zombie" The Symbols _Laff Blasts From The Past_
"The Time Warp" Cast _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_

"Do The Strand" Roxy Music _For Your Pleasure_
"Do The Donkey Kong" Buckner & Garcia _Pac-Man Fever_
"Do The Twistaroo" The Twistaroos _Twisted!_

Whither Do The Do?

We took the stray dog to the Humane Society today.  I hope she'll be okay.  We found out she was a she. She was sweet.  No one called the number after we put fliers out.  No one wrote to the Craigslist announcement.  How sad that, apparently, no one wants her.  I hope someone will.

Meanwhile, people continue to dance.  & dance they might during this week's Self Help Radio, which celebrates dance crazes from "The Twist" to "The Time Warp."  Maybe.  Or maybe so.  It's happening tomorrow morning (Monday) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen to it online.  Or you can wait till later, & listen to it online then.  Either way, you can't escape the newest craze: doing the Self Help.

Unless you don't listen.  You're safe if you're not paying any attention at all.

Preface To Do The Do: I Don't Know Any Dances

I haven't started to do my "research" for my "radio show" yet but I suspect there are a million or so different "dances" that will go beyond what the theme this week covers.  Beyond, you know, "Do The Twist," "Do The Tighten Up," "Do The Dog," etc.  It makes me want to do make songs up for dances that don't really exist: "Do The Ted Danson."  "Do The Colonoscopy."  "Do The Charming Junkie."

But a dog - tagless & friendly - interrupted while we were walking which we brought home & now it's hiding in our backyard.  I've put an ad on Craigslist & I wandered the neighborhood looking for anyone calling out a dog's name, but it's too late to put up flyers - we'll do that tomorrow.  I just think about the poor thing in our backyard!  He is not eating anything.  He's just miserable.

We simply can't adopt another dog, & I'm not sure if he'd be happy here.  But oh my sweet Ed Helms bobble doll, I would hate to have to turn him over to animal control.  Lexington is probably not no-kill.  There's that voice inside you that says, "If you had left him on the street, he might have found his way home."  But you know that might not be true.

If one of our dogs were missing, we'd be waking up the neighborhood.

The saddest dance of all: Do The Lost Dog.

Thinking About Cats Today

Is your cat an outdoor cat or an indoor cat?  & outdoor cat here means "a cat allowed outdoors that spends some time indoors."

There are those who feel obliged to honor their furry companion's genetic programming by letting it outdoors to spray & kill whatever its tiny heart desires.  Should you live in an urban setting, this is practically a guarantee that your "pet" (said with a verbal caveat represented here by quotation marks) will live a truncated lifespan.  Did it or you make that trade-off?

Then there are those who wants to make their kitten's life as safe & happy as possible, & keep the cat indoors, even though it does seem to want to get outside, to chase falling leaves, to explore rustling sounds, to chase bugs & birds.  Such cats will most probably live very long lives - the average cat age is twelve to fifteen years, but some can live as long as twenty.

Here is a list of the things that can happen to an outdoor cat which may severely truncate its lifespan: "traffic accidents, fights with other cats, intentional acts of violence, poisoning (accidental or intentional), diseases caught from other cats, being picked up by animal control & subsequently euthanized if not claimed, & death caused by predators."


It's also worth noting that cats allowed outdoors kill lots of birds.  Lots of them.  Perhaps up to a billion a year.

The cats that populate the Self Help Radio landscape stay indoors.  One of them is too frightened to go outside.  One of them has asthma, & would most probably suffer needlessly, & die horribly, if she strayed & did not get her medicine.  The third is tough black cat who just turned six who'd doubtless be a terrific hunter - but who has a low white blood cell count & would probably succumb to the first infection that came his way.

They are all loved to distraction.  They stay indoors because their presence is required as long as humanly (& felinely) possible.

Are We Meme Yet?

Here's a list of the most popular memes generated by people just like you (& maybe even you!).

If you don't know your meme, there's a handy place to go to find out what it's all about.

For example, you might see an image with a cartoon drawing of genius astrophysicist & science popularizer Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Underneath it is some variation of the phrase "Look out, we got a badass right here."  That's called a rage meme.  Not because anyone is angry - least of all Tyson, who is amused by the whole thing, but because it's a "rage" as in the idiom "all the rage," meaning very popular.

Some people wonder where memes go when they die.  Some people fear the death of memes, so they get tattoos of them.

Luckily for everyone there are many repositories of memes, like this one, & probably dozens more - there's not really enough time to find & list them all - especially since that appears to be the reason Tumblr exists - so you never have to be surprised by a new meme again!

More Indiepop For The Masses

Yes, my exercise in futility continues.  I finished the Gs!  I started the Hs!  There was lots of good music!  But I understand I may be eighty-eight when I get to the letter S.

Hey, I have a freeform show that I do before Self Help Radio (it's called Sugar Substitute) & I hijacked that show so I could cover more indiepop ground.  Therefore the list of songs below is in FOUR parts & covers almost THREE hours of radio.  I hope you enjoy.  Here are the links to the separate parts:

part one I part two I part three I part four

The shows - & maybe all thirty-five previous episodes of the Indiepop A To Z series - are available at the Self Help Radio website.  Look for the indiepop shows on the archive page.

& thanks so much for listening!

(part one)

"Made-Up Lovesong # 43" The Gulliemots _From The Cliffs EP_
"A Brief Encounter" Guther _Sundet_
"For Your Smile" Gypsophile _Just For A Day_

"Funky Little Song" Bruce Haack _Listen Compute Rock Home: The Best Of Dimension 5_
"Our Love Was" Petra Haden _Petra Haden Sings: The Who Sell Out_
"Heaven Help You Now" Paul Haig _The Warp Of Pure Fun_
"The Last Stop" The Haircuts _Sorrow Is The Way To Love_
"Election Day" Hal _Election Day_

"Charmed Life" Half Japanese _Greatest Hits_
"Joy Division Oven Gloves" Half Man Half Biscuit _Achtung Bono_
"Eclipse" Half String _Eclipse * Oval * Hue_

(part two)

"Second City Blues" Halftime Oranges _Rotterdamnation_
"Rich Girl" Hall & Oates _The Essential Collection_

"Virginia Reel Around The Fountain" The Halo Benders _The Rebel's Not In_
"Stay Away For Awhile" The Halo Bit _Stay Away For Awhile 7"_
"Two Stones In My Pocket" Neil Halstead _Sleeping On Roads_
"You Might Not Believe" Handsome Train _This Engine Should Do_
"Another Day" Hang David _Another Day_

"Top Of Morning" The Hang Ups _So We Go_
"Love Is Blue" The Hangman's Beautiful Daughters _Love Is Blue_
"Soho" The Hangovers _Slow Dirty Tears_
"Hurray" Hanky & Panky _Labrador 100_

(part three)

"All These Things" Darren Hanlon _I Will Love You At All_
"Popemobile" Arne Hansen & The Guitarspellers _So Happy I Could Pop (Vol 2)_
"That's What I'm For" The Hanshalf Trio _Woosh! - Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_

"Girls FM" Happy Birthday _Happy Birthday_
"Terry" The Happy Birthdays _The Happy Birthdays_
"Another Sunny Day" The Happy Couple _Fools In Love_
"Puritans" The Happy Family _Man On Your Street_
"Under A Song" Happy Losers _Beikoku-Ongaku Magazine # 12_

"Step On" Happy Mondays _Pills 'n' Thrills & Bellyaches_
"Camera Song" Happy Supply _Crucial Cuts_
"Heaven No!" Happydeadmen _Eleven Pop Songs_

(part four)

"The Boy I Was" Harbour Bar _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol. 2_
"Orchid Sunrise" The Harbour Pilots _Welcome To The Wetherbeat Scene 1988 - 1991_
"Sleepers" Harbourkings _Summercolts_
"Bastard Son" John Wesley Harding _Here Comes The Groom_

"Wonderful Lie" The Hardy Boys _The Hardy Boys Play Songs From The Lenin & McCarthy Songbook_
"Finland" Hari & Aino _Hari & Aino_
"Make Me Smile (Come Up & See Me)" Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel _The Best Years Of Our Lives_
"Train Not Stopping" Harper Lee _Everything Is Going To Be OK_

"(There Is) No Refrain" Harrison _(There Is) No Refrain 7"_
"Crackerbox Palace" George Harrison _Thirty Three & 1/3_
"Bambi Eyes" Harry Hunks _20 Miles An Hour_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 37?

(& 36 too!)

Tomorrow on both Self Help Radio & the show that I do which comes chronologically before it, which is called Sugar Substitute, I will be continuing the ridiculous indiepop project which I began too long ago to remember & which now stretches into a future that I might not actually make it all the way to.  This will be the 36th (on Sugar Substitute) & 37th (on Self Help Radio) editions of the Indiepop A To Z.  Spoiler alert: we'll finish the Gs!  Spoiling alert: we'll start the Hs!  I am spoiling you.

That's happening tomorrow morning - Monday the 30th - from 6 to 9am on the 88.1 frequency on the fm dial.  You can also listen online at wrfl dot fm.  & of course the show will be archived at self help radio dot net later tomorrow.

& hey!  I think almost all of the Indiepop A To Z collections are available on the Self Help Radio website!  Look through the archive page - you'll see!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 36 & 37: That Time Of Year Again

Oh god I don't know I am so obsessed with alphabetization.  What is wrong with me?

A person who feels the need to put things like bands they like in such order must have an underlying psychological condition.  By itself it's probably not so bad - but there surely are other issues involved.  Combined with, let's say, a discomfort at disorder or an unease with disorganization.  Do you see?  Everything starts to add up to - oh jeez - a condition.  For fuck's sake, should I be seeking professional help?  Getting myself a bespectacled head shrinker with a cold, stiff divan & telling my life story to someone paid to listen?  How can that be helpful?  I don't mean to discount the profession.  Just, I suppose I fear that the first thing that'll happen is that I'll be asked if I want some medications.  Kind of tempting...  Let's be honest, I've sort of been through this kind of thing before.  My psychological visits twenty years ago were deeply disappointing.  Not that I didn't need them - it's just that things didn't connect between me & the (admittedly poorly paid) analysts I was assigned to.  Oh, I know, people say it's as hard as finding a good doctor, finding a good psychologist, but I had neither the time nor the money.  Perhaps now, since I am older & more financially secure, it would be a different experience.  Questions I ask now would be more pointed.  Reactions might be better understood with greater experience.  Sessions could be processed with a (I can't believe I'm saying this) more mature mind.  Talk therapy, we are always told, is good thing, that it works.  Until it doesn't, unless it doesn't.  Very good, my love of order appears not to exist in my rationalizing mind.  Weaseling my way out of something I've never even committed to!  Xenophobes probably have more fun looking at maps!  You see what I am up against?  Zero probability of mental wellness in the near future!

This Random Dream About The Fall

I don't have a lot of dreams about The Fall even though I play them on virtually ever damn radio show I do these days.  I've seen them live maybe four times (the last time was the most recent famous meltdown, where Mark Smith fired the band after playing perhaps twenty minutes) (which is a thrilling thing for a Fall fan to see!) & the chances of me seeing them live in the near future are nil to none.  (But I might be going to Europe at the end of the year, so perhaps...)

I did dream about them last night.  The situation requires a bit of a backstory.  With recent advances in technology - which is to say, phones that can act as recording devices - it's easy to wander up to a more or less accessible musician & ask him/her/it if they would like to do an Artist ID for the radio station.  I did exactly none of these for KVRX or KOOP - but they weren't considered much of a priority at either station.  At WRFL, though, they got dozens of those things!  Stretching back many moons!  & not just musicians either - my favorite is the late, great Evel Knievel!

I managed to get one last year when I saw Darren Hanlon in Cincinnati & I got one when I saw the Wedding Present in Chicago last month.  But I've missed more than I've gotten - mainly because I forget, since it's not really a priority in my mind.  For example, when I was hanging out with my friends Bearsuit in Austin last year, I could totally have at any time gotten an artist ID.  I was just having too much fun to ask.

Oh, & you can't just beg people to do it through the emails.  They say they will but never do.  Or they just don't write back.  Because it's a little presumptuous!

In the dream I am in some kind of convenience store & I bump into Mark E. Smith, the mastermind of the Fall.  He's much shorter than I am - whether that's true in real life I don't know - & he seems to be a younger version of the very aged malcontent you see these days.  I ramble on about how much I like the Fall & even tell him that I knew I loved them when, like when you learn a language you know you're getting it when you dream in that language, I started to dream in The Fall.  He seems utterly uninterested in this information as well he should be.

A little embarrassed by my fanboy nonsense, I walk away & then think, "Holy crap I could get an artist ID!"  I find my wife - who has the iPhone I'll need to record the spot - & approach Mark Smith, now with his much-younger-than-he-is band, & ask them if that's okay.  They don't seem to mind, so I find some paper to write "WRFL Lexington" on so they can say something like, "Hi this is the Fall you're listening to" etc.

Here's where the dream becomes a typical Gary dream: the wife's iPhone has a lot of programs running that I need to keep closing until I can open the audio recording one.  Of course, an iPhone doesn't work that way, like a computer with screen after screen on a busy desktop, but in the dream it did, & I got upset at the wife  for running so many damn apps simultaneously.

Then, for some reason, I can't seem to write WRFL properly.  I am misspelling the call letters of my radio station!  I am writing with a black sharpie & I it's coming out W R E E or W R E L or some other combination that only vaguely resembles the actual call letters.

When I finally get it right, the band has gathered around Mark Smith & they do the ID.  You know, the folks who might not be in the band for the next record.  While the Fall's one constant sits there & smirks.

It almost made me not want to try to get artist IDs any more.

The Old Civic Servant

Fancies himself a kind of playboy.  Jokes that he gets time off for good behavior.  Isn't entirely convinced the haiku is an art form, let alone a form of poetry.  Was frightened as a child by a sculpture & hasn't visited an art museum since.

Likes to say he "loves hard & loves often."  Listens almost exclusively to radio stations that play music for teenagers.  Admits however that he has a soft spot for the Beatles.  Proceeds to break into his favorite song, which is "Yellow Submarine."

Used to play tennis but now can't seem to find the time.  Has an uncompleted five hundred piece jigsaw puzzle on his dinner table which the cat sleeps on.  Remembers that his father had a thing for Zane Grey.  Tells everyone he'd like to read more.

Hasn't been to the dentist since probably two thousand and two.  Punctuates his sentences with the phrase "I know my stuff."  Likes the spring better than the fall because it gets warmer & green is his favorite color.  Won't let you get a word in edgewise.

Nearly backed into a group of schoolchildren once.  Got lucky because he had been drinking.  Wants you to know that he hardly ever gets behind the wheel if he's had even one drink.  Insists in any event that he can hold his liquor.

May want to show you his scar from the bypass operation.  Has a few funny stories about nurses & morphine if you want to hear them.  Becomes very quiet these days when asked about where he worked & his pension.  Doesn't understand why it was such a bad thing.

Is getting up to go now.  Makes a few well-rehearsed comments about the noises his old bones make.  Seems a little forgetful about the etiquette involved with leaving a new acquaintance.  Decides to give a little wave & says his goodbyes.

Miracle Of Miracles

The only thing more miraculous than a Self Help Radio show about miracles is that Self Help Radio is still on the radio after nearly ten years!  Does this mean I could be a saint?  Will I get my own holiday?  Do they have saint conventions like Star Trek conventions where the beatified gather to answer questions, sign autographed photos (twenty bucks a pop), & perform a couple of sleight-of-hand miracles?  That would be awesome.  I could sell "Self Help Radio: The Unauthorized Hagiography"!

Though of course the word "miracle" technically implies something supernatural, I do sometimes feel that it's a minor miracle that I finish a show every week.  Hey!  I never said it was a good minor miracle!  You can listen to a show about miracles at the Self Help Radio website.  You can listen to the show directly (it's in two parts) (the two parts are detailed below) by clicking the following links: part one & part two.

It will be a miracle if you listen!

(part one)

"Miracles Are Hard To Find" Tullycraft _Old Traditions, New Standards_
"Make Me A Miracle" Jimmie Rodgers _The Best Of Jimmie Rodgers_
"Miracles & Wonders" The Chameleons _Why Call It Anything?_

"It's Gonna Take A Miracle" The Royalettes _Growin' Up Too Fast: The Girl Group Anthology_
"Miracles Will Start To Happen" Jonathan Richman _Jonathan Richman_
"A Miracle" Handful Of Snowdrops _Land Of The Damned_
"Promised You A Miracle" Simple Minds _New Gold Dream (81-82-83-84)_

"You Sexy Thing" Tom Tom Club _Dark Sneak Love Action_
"More Than A Miracle" Garnet Mimms _Cry Baby/Warm & Soulful_
"Miracle Man" Dorothy Black _Sister Funk_

(part two)

"It's A Miracle" Willie Hightower _Willie Hightower_
"I Believe In Miracles" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go!: The Anthology_

"Miracle Of Miracles" Eugene Chadbourne _Knitting On The Roof: Modern Interpretations Of The Classic Musical Fiddler On The Roof_
"Miracle Man" Elvis Costello _My Aim Is True_
"If I Could Work Miracles" The Bartlebees _What Is It All About?_
"Face Of Jesus Seen On A Miracle Hippy" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"The Miracle Of Love" Eurthymics _Revenge_
"I Ain't No Miracle Worker" The Brogues _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_

"Miracles Take Longer" Television Personalities _Yes Darling, But Is It Art?_
"Waiting For The Miracle" Leonard Cohen _The Future_

Whither Miracles?

Do you believe in miracles?  Are you an American?  If so, the chances are very good that you do.  The Pew Forum on religion, in a 2010 survey, found that 80% of Americans believe in miracles.

But what exactly is a miracle?  If you're in a terrible weather situation - as many have been in the last few months, with tornadoes destroying whole swaths of Indiana, Texas, & Kentucky - & you somehow survive the event with little or no damage, is that a "miracle"?  Some people certainly think so.

However, the religious definition of a miracle is an event that is inexplicable with the laws of nature, & is therefore of a supernatural nature & origin, usually through a (mostly Christian) god, but oftentimes through his saints & channelers, such as televangelists, or through supernatural agents, like angels.

But it's not too far a linguistic jump to say that how you survived the tornado above was through prayer to your deity, or through prayer to his saints, or through the invisible actions of his angels, who chose to move the tornado away from you & destroy the lives of someone else.

Some people believe it's a miracle that Self Help Radio has been allowed to be on the radio for almost a decade.  Frankly, Self Help Radio thinks it's just dumb luck.

Listen to Self Help Radio play songs & chat about miracles tomorrow from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen with the miracle of radio or with the miracle of the internets.  Or you can find out about the show too late to listen to it in real time & listen to it thanks to the miracle of online archiving.

If you listen, it will truly be a miracle.

Preface To Miracles: You Sexy Thing

Self Help Radio labors forever in obscurity, & kinda deserves it, but on the radio on Mondays the deejay will often say, "If you have ideas for themes, or if you want to request a song for the show next week, you can always email me at Gary at Self Help Radio dot net."  Needless to say, the "email-bag" is hardly ever filled by listener requests - in fact, it's usually just full of desperate African potentates & information about penis enlargement &/or engorgement.

However, this week, the show about "miracles," having been duly announced on the previous Monday, encouraged not one but two Lexingtonians to write in & request a song.  That song?  "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate.  The song is so well known that it has its own Wikipedia page.  The reason for the request, of course, is the continually repeated lyric, "I believe in miracles."  (You can read the full lyrics here.)  Indeed, if you search for the song, there's a good chance that, in this day & age of mis-identified songs, you'll find it entitled "I Believe In Miracles."  One of the correspondents called it that in the request email!

You can watch a lip-synched version by the band (who were British - did you know that?) on Youtube here.  & you can expect to hear it on Self Help Radio on Monday.  Unless!  Might there be a funky version of it somewhere?

Is it disrespectful to play covers of songs people request, especially if the song is as popular & well known as "You Sexy Thing"?

Four-Twenty

Wikipedia uses the phrase "cannabis culture" & that amuses me.

Here's an anecdote that will demonstrate to you how square I am & always have been. When I was the Program Manager for KVRX in the 90s, I made it a point to tape & listen to everyone's show at least twice during the semester. The most difficult were always the late-night shows - since I was taping the shows with cassettes, I'd have to drag myself out of bed to turn the tape on, &, since most shows were two hours long, I'd have to wake again an hour later, & turn the tape over (hooray for 120 minute tapes!). Why I didn't just stay awake & listen to the show I don't know. It made sense at the time.

One new deejay at the station, in both shows of hers that I listened to, would come on the mic at (of course) 4:20 am & say, "It's four-twenty." She would interrupt a song while doing that. When talking to her about her show, I told her, "You can wait until a regular airbreak to tell people the time." She rolled her eyes & said, "You mean you don't know?" & I was schooled about 4:20. By the way, this same woman told me that "4-20" referred to the police code for possession, a common urban legend. & hilariously, she once came up to me & told me, "I've given up drugs!" & I said, "Wow, you're not smoking pot any more?" She said, "Pot isn't a drug! It's natural!"

I guess it's better than celebrating April 20 as Hitler's birthday!

Fragments Of A Haunted Song

"The fire, it almost starts itself
Looks like water comes from somewhere else
& I could use a thing or two today"

I threw these lyrics, which are from the song "Gone Tomorrow" by Lambchop, on their new record, at a few people younger than I am, people I barely know, as an example of how songs could haunt me. The collective response was disinterest as best, dismissal at worst. "I guess the water comes from somewhere else," one person said, looking around as people do when they've told a joke but wait to see if anyone else recognizes it as such before they admit it was actually a joke.

But the words act in my brain - as many lyrics often do - as the closest I'll thing I'll ever be able to understand or accept as a koan, which is, as one online dictionary defines it, "a nonsensical or paradoxical question to a student for which an answer is demanded, the stress of meditation on the question often being illuminating."

More often than not such fragments - & usually the entire song - just fills me up with emotions that I want to experience rather than understand.

I am a bad fake Buddhist.

Windows Airs

As the weather has gotten nicer, Self Help Radio, which spends a lot of time staring out of windows, has now felt comfortable opening the windows, & it's really about time, too, because it's kinda smelly in here. Opening the windows led to thinking about songs about windows, & thinking about songs inevitably leads to a show about the songs themselves. So one window opens while a show about windows airs!

The show is available on all operating systems, not just ones that are the namesake of this show's theme. It's available at the Self Help Radio website. Hey! If you're impatient & want to download the show directly, you can do so by clicking the following links: part one | part two. What's in each part is below.

Oh no! Bugs are coming in the window!

(part one)

"Window" The Microphones _Window_
"The Window" Acrylics _Lives & Treasure_
"Out The Window" Violent Femmes _Why Do Birds Sing?_

"Get Away From That Window" The Pickard Family _The History Of Country & Western Music Vol. 1 (1927-1928)_
"Love Jumped Through My Window" Arthur Lee & Band Aid _Vindicator_
"The Other Window" Wire _154_
"Stained-Glass Windows In The Sky" Felt _Poem Of The River_
"Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo" Luxuriator _Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo_
"Windows Of The World" Scott Walker _Scott 2_

"Take A Look Out Your Window" Pataphysics _Take A Look Out Your Window_
"My Little Window" Jack Scott _Great Scott!_
"Storm Windows" John Prine _Storm Windows_

(part two)

"The Window Song" The Mountain Goats _Protein Source Of The Future... Now!_

"My Window" Help Stamp Out Loneliness _Help Stamp Out Loneliness_
"Open A New Window" The Arbors _The Very Best Of The Arbors_
"She Came In Through The Bathroom Window" Joe Cocker _Happy_
"Life From A Window" The Jam _This Is The Modern World_
"Last Of The Window Cleaners" Momus _The Ultraconformist_

"Cleaning Windows" Van Morrison _Beautiful Vision_
"The Window (live)" Leonard Cohen _Field Commander Cohen: Tour Of 79_
"From My Bedroom Window" Dear Nora _We'll Have A Time_
"Cleaning The Windows" Kentucky Friend Chicken Training _Kentucky Fried CD_

Whither Windows?

Today was a day where windows were handy. Tomorrow will be a day of celebration for windows.

Self Help Radio will be heard through all open & (in cars) rolled down windows all over Lexington tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am. You can listen online at the WRFL web page or you can simply go to the audio stream.

If you can't get your windows open, or if your day is prematurely thrown out the window, you can listen to the episode later on at your convenience at the Self Help Radio website.

Seriously, crack a window. It smells awful in here.

Preface To Windows: Not That Kind You Know

You must resist the urge to equate the word "window" with a computer operating systems.

My favorite window memories are drawing on windows fogged by the cold when I was bored child. I also used to love slowly revealing the outdoors by rubbing the window fog away.

My family once lived at an apartment complex, the back end of which abutted the parking lot of a Lutheran Church. The parking lot, of course, was in church's rear. Some kids who went to school with me went to that church. Our apartment faced the church's parking lot, & my bedroom window looked out over the parking lot. Once in middle school, a girl who went to the church complained to me that her entire family could see, through my window, my sleeping body as they exited their car on Sunday mornings. I was surprisingly unself-conscious about this information, & don't remember changing my behavior. The window faced the east, & I loved being awakened by the rising sun. Now I feel a little flattered that something so innocuous caused church-goers to comment. It's not like I slept in the nude!

I have never been much of a voyeur, but I think that most people dream of seeing something surprising & revealing in a stranger's window. & maybe that's why most of us don't want people to stare into our windows. I would prefer blinds or curtains over every window. What do I have to hide? What do you have to hide?

A friend of a friend was in a Christian rock band in Dallas during my college years & I could never remember what they were called. They were called something like "House Without Walls," which is (of course) a reference to something in scripture. But during one visit to Dallas, I asked the friend whose friend was in the band, "Do you ever make music with him anymore, or does he still play in that Christian rock band - what are they called, World Without Windows?"

My friend corrected me but said, "I think yours is a better band name."

Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Are you afraid of Friday the 13th? You ought not be. But you should. From time immemorial, when we didn't have good records, to time memorial, which is what we also call now, when we have better records but people are instead saving music to their computers, humans all over the place have been afraid of Friday the 13th & that include many people's mothers.

Why would scared parents warn impressionable children of a day like any other which happened to be a Friday &, if the calendar is to be believed, also the 13th? Scholars & circus people alike have spent many hours poring through the annals of human thought (sometimes the two DVD set) overlooking the underpinnings of this nefarious date. Here's something similar to what they found:

- On Friday the 13th, people who otherwise can pronounce English words more or less correctly find certain vowel combinations difficult. "Dairy" becomes "diary." "Tier" becomes "tire." & some for strange reason "beet" becomes "beat."

- On a Friday the 13th when the moon is waxing gibbous, people who drive to work can't get the melody - but not the words - of "Frère Jacques" out of their heads.

- On a Friday the 13th in a Leap Year, any group of thirteen people - even if they don't know each other - must apologize profusely to passers-by or, if they're in an office, or a lobby, or an elevator - mutter undignified excuses to themselves, or else their children's children will be cursed with temporary ineffectualness on important national holidays.

There are terrifying stories about folks who chose to toy with their fates on Friday the 13th, & unfortunately none of them have survived to tell their tales. Here are some moderately accurate recreations:

- On Friday the 13th, 1891, a young man in Ohio refused to offer blandishments to a young maiden who was expecting them, & sixteen years later that young man was forced by President Theodore Roosevelt to put his head in a recently killed moose.

- On Friday the 13th some time in the last seven years, two children who have since stopped being children because of aging were struck by the inherent awfulness of cartoons in the 1980s & never spoke of it again.

- On Friday the 13th when it used to matter, a young minor league Baseball booster decided to cross the street under a ladder walking barefoot over a broken mirror & was accidentally side-swiped by a car owned but not driven by none other than Stevie Wonder's former bodyguard's niece.

How do psychologists treat those with an irrational fear of this day? It turns out it's the same way they treat those with rational fear of this day: with powerful chocolate-scented narcotics. Should you be one of those unfortunate souls without access to decidedly unethical analysts, there are some over-the-counter & over-the-top treatments recommended by those who ought to know better. Try at your own risk.

- Anything with lanolin smeared on any part of you that resembles a sheep.
- A red scarf draped over a blue hat billowing out of a yellow sportscar.
- Reading any three of Shakespeare's sonnets to a surly senior citizen.
- Standing uncomfortably in a hobby store asking uncomfortable questions.
- Calendar avoidance &/or "accidental" date rearranging.

Most of all, you should be entirely aware of the arbitrary nature of this day which happens to be a Friday coinciding with the thirteenth of the month (luckily, not all months have thirteen days). The ancient Eritreans, for example, found Tuesday the 3rd to be full of ill omens, especially if bills were due. Certain South American city-states used to plan no weddings, funerals, or ice cream socials on any Wednesday that fell on a 4th or 14th. & of course certain religious sects have cautioned against going against holy dicta on even-numbered months that fell in odd-numbered years, but you expect that sort of thing from them, don't you?

Hopefully the more information you know about the history of "Friday the 13th," the less you have an irrational fear of it! Have a happy 13th of Friday!

Second-Person Shooter Adventures

The Development Officer has an idea. It finds its way to a post-it note. The post-it note does not exist in the physical world per se - it's a small program on the Development Officer's laptop. "That's all right," she thinks, "the idea does not exist in the physical world either."

"That's where you're wrong," says the Production Manager. She is facing quite an unhappy group of developers this morning. She doesn't have time for the Development Officer's half-baked, hare-brained ideas. She quickly fires off a memo to corporate. The memo also doesn't exist in the physical world per se - it's an ingenious application designed for the office's internal network by the Computer Guy.

The Computer Guy, whom everyone called "Jesse," took too many pills last night. He has a terrible habit of taking his friends' prescription medications if they happen to leave them at his place. Or if he happens to be at their place & finds some in their medicine cabinets. He used to take the time to look up the pills in a Big Book Of Pharmaceuticals, but now he just takes them, often in small handfuls, & waits to see how they affect him. One result is: he sometimes does not remember what he did for hours before the effects wear off.

He does not know, for example, that he hacked into his own system - he may have thought he was testing its security, although he obviously knew more about it than any intruder would - & sent out sensitive documents to everyone in the office as well as some who worked from home & others who were subscribed to his Doctor Who mailing list. But thanks to the pills he took around 11:30 pm the night before, he does not know it was he who breached security.

The Chief Financial Officer has spent the morning "putting out fires," as he puts it, so when he finds the Development Officer's idea, sent among a flurry of emails while angry workers storm in & out his office all morning long, he finds the timing so ludicrous that he believes she must have somehow been responsible for the late-night security problem.

The Chief Financial Officer orders Jesse the Computer Guy to surreptitiously search the Development Officer's computer under suspicion of the crime. He tells Jesse, "You know the stakes are high - if you can't find something, make sure you still find something." Jessie the Computer Guy is still a little too messed up to really understand what he's being asked to do.

In the small hallway outside the break room, the Production Manager, who has in the past believed that the Computer Guy has something of a thing for her, corners Jesse & asks about the investigation into the hacking. The Production Manager has not been included in the investigation by the Chief Financial Officer because many of the leaked documents show her in a favorable light toward the employees - defending popular projects, authorizing overtime, supporting (as Production Managers often do) her employees - & while the Chief Financial Officer does not exactly suspect her, he does not entirely trust her at this point in time.

Although the Production Manager is somewhat correct - the Computer Guy doesn't exactly have "something of a thing for her," he just enjoys looking at her breasts - she is not prepared for him to confess that he's been asked to do something unethical, if not illegal, to put the blame on the Development Officer. This gives the Production Manager an idea - & it's not one she commits to a post-it note that does not exist in the physical world.

Later, after the Production Manager has been promoted to Production Director, & the Chief Financial Officer has been suspended pending a criminal investigation, the Development Officer overhears Jesse the Computer Guy tell an intern, whose breasts he enjoys looking at, that it's not entirely true to say that things that are "on a computer," like mp3 files or text documents, "don't exist in the real world," as they are composed of physical things called "bytes," which, he points out, used to be kept on very tangible items like floppy discs, & which now need to be stored on a "hard drive" inside the computer.

The Development Officer suddenly suspect the Computer Guy of hacking his own system &, although she can't understand why he'd do such a thing - he didn't benefit in any way from the episode - she still tells her suspicions - in person - to the new Production Director & the interim Chief Financial Officer.

Come To My Church (Show)

Two things to be aware of about this show: first, I plan my shows some time in advance & I had no idea - really - that I'd be doing a show about church the day after Easter. It's a big coincidence. & second, I think I've only been in a church for church-like business (that is to say, not sight-seeing, as at Notre Dame or a place like that) (& by church-like business, I mean, sermons or weddings or whatever) maybe twenty times in my life (if that). Nothing about churches or the business of going to church is part of my make-up - & I know some people who love church & I know some people who hate having been forced to go to church as a child. I hope the show delights the former & does not terrify the latter. & I hope my ignorance of the subject doesn't detract from the songs I play.

Churches real, imaginary, & both are explored on today's show. You can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. If you'd like a direct link to the shows, they are in two parts & they are here: part one, part two. I've handily listed the songs in each part so you don't have to.

The nice thing about a Self Help Radio show about church is: you don't have to tithe!

(part one)

"Get Me To The Church On Time" Rosemary Clooney _Rosie Solves The Swingin' Riddle_
"Church In The Wildwood" The Carter Family _Prayers From Hell: White Gospel & Sinner's Blues 1927-1940_
"The Magnificent Church" The Gargoyles _Steamflapper_

"Let The Church Roll On" Morehouse College Quartet _Atlanta, Ga. Gospel 1923-1931_
"A Little Old Church In England (with Ray Eberle & the Modernaires)" Glenn Miller _The Gold Collection_
"I Met Her In Church" The Box Tops _Soul Deep: The Best Of The Box Tops_
"Methodist Church" The Girls _Reunion_
"Meet Me In Church" Bobby Marchan _Cameo Parkway 1957-1967_

"Church Not Made With Hands" The Waterboys _A Pagan Place_
"The Church Of John Coltrane" Saint Jude's Infirmary _Happy Healthy Lucky Month_

(part two)

"The Vatican Rag" Tom Lehrer _That Was The Year That Was_

"Make Your Church Crackle & Glow (Parsley Sound Mix)" Ronnie Willhoite _The Doorkeepers: A Church Leadership Development Program For Ushers_
"Church Of The Poison Mind" The Yell Leaders _Gag Me With A Spoon: Don't Records Celebrates The 1980s_
"Cleaning A Church" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Date To Church" The Replacements _All For Nothing/Nothing For All_
"To The Church" Lloyd Cole _Lloyd Cole_

"The Church On The Corner" Sound Of Six _The Church On The Corner_
"They Tore The Old Country Church Down" Goodwin Trio _Hallelujah Hoedown_
"All Seven Deadly Sins Were Committed At A Church Bake Sale" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"Waiting At The Church" Julie Andrews _Don't Go Into The Lion's Cage Tonight_
"Church Bells Blues" Luke Jordan _Broke, Black & Blue, Vol. 1: Up Country Blues_
"Church, I'm Fully Saved Today" Blind Willie Johnson with Willie B. Harris _Dark Was The Night (1927-1930)_

Whither Church?

It's entirely coincidental that Self Help Radio's show about church is happening after Easter Sunday.

Self Help Radio has never been to church.

This is somewhat remarkable, since Self Help Radio resides in Lexington, & Lexington is a city of churches.

This website counts 382 churches in Lexington. That's a church for every 700 or so people.

Don't try to find out which city has the most churches per capita in the world online. There are lots of competing answers. Plus quibbles about the question.

Though the city of Wheaton, Illinois, gets the honor, according to the game Trivial Pursuit.

Here's something I didn't know: Garland, Texas, which is my hometown, & has a population of around 220,000 people (60,000 less than Lexington), has apparently more than 500 churches.

That simply can't be true.

There might be more overt religiosity in Garland (& all of Texas) but I can't imagine there'd be so many churches.

I could be wrong, though.

Churches real & imaginary will be discussed & sang about tomorrow morning on Self Help Radio's show about churches. No tithing necessary! In Lexington (near any church) on 88.1 fm or online at WRFL dot fm. The audio stream is right here. The show will be archived later in the holy sanctuary at self help radio dot net.

As Mike Birbiglia said, "This week it's Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday, then Fuckin' Monday."

Preface To Church: What Comes Between Good Friday & Easter Sunday?

Apparently it's called Holy Saturday. That's a little disappointing, although it shouldn't be - after all, "Good Friday" is a little underwhelming as a name for a religious holiday. Often people will say things like, "Have a good Friday!" & they're certainly not suggesting that you celebrate the crucifixion of a religious figure.

However, one of the more interesting stories about Holy Saturday is that Jesus - who was of course at that point quite dead - literally goes to hell.

Don't take that the wrong way! He went there of his own accord & just to free the heroes of the Old Testament, from Adam & Eve on up. The implication - & if you weren't ever taught this, you're probably not Catholic - was that, before Jesus' death, everyone went to hell. Noah was in hell. Moses was in hell.

But Jesus only brings people from the Old Testament to heaven. Great humans of pagan faiths have to stay there. & probably no one explain to Socrates, say, why his old chess buddy Solomon just disappeared one day. Unless maybe Satan told them later, just to fuck with them.

It makes you wonder - did Jesus have that planned all along? Or did he think, right after his death, "Oh I know what I can do!" & though there's any real consensus on the subject - most Protestants utterly reject the notion, since there's nothing really in scripture about it - it's impressive how much Jesus got done on a day that for the most part he could have just taken it easy.

Did you get as much done today?

Saccades

"We cannot consciously control the speed of movement between stops & during each saccade, the eyes move as fast as they can."

That's from here.

The more we learn about ourselves, the more we discover we are less & less the overt controllers of our lives & thoughts.

This reminds me of a conversation I had over twenty years ago with a girlfriend & one of her girlfriends & that girlfriend's boyfriend. I'll call them Betty, Veronica & Reggie. I am as always Jughead.

Reggie was going on & on about something something Ayn Rand something. He was a bit of a self-important douche & I had had little or no experience with Randianism at the time so when he praised "logic" & "rationality," I thought he was more or less on my side. At least he didn't go on & on about the virtues of being selfish. He was talking & he made some comment about emotions being chemical.

The two women with us gasped. "Do you really believe that?" Betty said. (Yes, my Betty.) Reggie said sure, probably glad to have the chance to debate something, since none of us really cared to interrupt his monologue. She then turned to me & said, "Jughead, do you believe our emotions are chemicals?"

I was put in a difficult situation. I am pretty much a materialist & have rarely, if ever, seriously entertained supernatural explanations for anything. But I was being stared at a woman I loved who was asking a loaded question: DID I REALLY BELIEVE THIS CODSWALLOP? DO I DARE TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO THINKS SO LITTLE OF EMOTIONS?

Interestingly, I don't remember how I responded. It didn't end the relationship at that time. When I remember it, I curse myself for not asking the more serious question in response, which is this: "If our emotions are not chemical, what are they?"

There's some irony in getting emotional about being confronted with the material nature of emotions. As a species, we're the only living things on this planet that use the results of material processes - like thinking thoughts - to convince ourselves that the things that are produced by these processes are not & cannot be material. They seem more than that. To a lot of people. Like the feeling of love seeming like more than a chemical process.

& meanwhile, "Saccades are the fastest movements produced by the human body."

Birthday Dog!

Our old man George turns 14 today! According to this website, that makes him the equivalent of 82 human years old. This website says that he's actually closer to 69 human years old. (It also says that I am seven & three-quarters dog years old. It's so tragic when a child is older than a parent.) One more: this website suggests George is closer to 72 human years old.

Besides being a bit obdurate (which he's always been) & whiny (ditto) & a little deaf (though I might be mistaking that for him generally not giving a shit), he generally acts like he's half his age. Last night, for example, when we got home from seeing the Spooky Qs, he danced around the house like an idiot. I'm surprised he didn't hurt himself.

I wrote about George a few Thursdays ago. He is a terribly sweet dog who likes to be around me, which is fine by me: I like being around him!

100% Cotton Show

Cotton! Cotton everywhere! Hey! I did something on this episode of Self Help Radio I either have never done or may have done only once: I played all the songs in (more or less) chronological order. (I say more of less because I looked up the years but didn't really care about the month & day, so, for example, the songs from 1929 may be out of order.) How did it go? You tell me!

All the cotton pickin' songs I played are listed below. The show is divided into two parts & much easier to pick & sort than cotton. Part one is behind that link. Part two is behind this one. The entire show (& many other shows just sitting there hoping you'll visit) is over at the Self Help Radio web page.

(part one)

"Land Of Cotton Blues" Lucille Hegamin _The Ladies In Blues_
"Cotton Field Blues" Charlie 'Dad' Nelson _The Paramount Masters_
"Cotton Field Blues" Henry Thomas _The Easin' In: Essential Recordings Of Texas Blues_

"Make My Cot Where The Cot-Cot-Cotton Grows" Red Nichols' Stompers _That's What I Call Sweet Music: American Dance Orchestras Of The 1920s_
"Song From A Cotton Field" Bessie Brown _Down In The Basement: Joe Bussard's Treasure Trove Of Vintage 78s: 1926-1937_
"Mississippi Boweavil Blues" Charley Patton _The Complete Recordings 1929-34_
"Cotton Mill Blues" Wilmer Watts _1929_
"Price Of Cotton Blues" The Allen Brothers _The Complete Recordings Vol.1 1927-1930_

"Cotton Mill Blues" Lee Brothers Trio _Hard Time In The Country_
"Serves 'Em Fine (Cotton Mill Colic No. 3)" Dave & Howard _Black & White Hillbilly Music: Early Harmonica Recordings 1920-30's_
"11 Cent Cotton, 40 Cent Meat" Bob's Boys (Bob Miller) _Songs For Political Action: Folkmusic, Topical Songs, & The American Left 1926-1953_
"Cotton Mill Blues" Daddy John Love _Oh My Little Darling_

(part two)

"Floatin' Down To Cotton Town" Fats Waller _1936_

"Cotton Patch Blues" Tommy McClennan _Big Joe Williams & The Stars Of Mississippi Blues_
"Cotton Eyed Joe" Adolf Hofner & His San Antonians _Roots 'N' Blues: The Retrospective (1925-1950)_
"Cotton Pickin' Blues" Robert Petway _Broadcasting The Blues: Black Blues In The Segregation Era_
"Pick A Bale Of Cotton" Sonny Terry & Brownie McGhee _Blowin' The Fuses_
"Boll Weevil" Lead Belly _Sings For Children_
"Old Cotton Fields At Home" Odetta & Larry _The Tin Angel_

"Cotton Picking Hands" The Dukes _Lost Dreams: The New Orleans Vocal Groups_
"Cotton Picker" Wortham Watts _The 'D' Singles Collection Vol. 1_
"Cotton Head" Leon Peels _It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Beat!_
"California Cottonfields" Merle Haggard _Down Every Road: 1962 - 1994_
"Mississippi Cotton Picking Delta Town" Charley Pride _Country_
"The Backbone Of America Is A Mule & Cotton" Abner Jay _The Backbone Of America Is A Mule & Cotton_

Whither Cotton?

TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON.

Cotton is not, as one might think, a terrifying metal which can "learn" from those it maims or kills. The American Cotton Industry has made this very clear through an ingenious if not desperate series of advertisements on television & the radio. Also fat people wearing sandwich boards, although that was just as a tax write-off.

Cotton is also not "home to a race of mildly intelligent, though small, horticulturists" to which it is rumored that 30% of the male population is allergic. Widespread fear of horticulturists who are not necessarily clever but still rather competent continues after the Home Garden panic of the 1990s but this canard, which haunts tee shirt manufacturers everywhere, continues to be passed on as knowledge wherever garden tools are sold.

Cotton will never "come between you & your man." The last time cotton caused such a fuss became the American Civil War & it still feels really awful about it. So if you are a person who enjoys a close relationship with a man but have some insecurities, it is vehemently not cotton you should be worrying about. Have you taken a look at devious old fleece lately?

Finally, cotton does not want nor should it ever be a controlled substance. People who delight in growing cotton in secretive places - like hydroponically, or in secret sections of National Parks - need to be aware that it is perfectly legal to grow cotton anywhere. Sure, cotton has the classic "bad boy" image, but that's just a character it played in angsty teen dramas. People associating with cotton for its illicit qualities are totally missing out on naughtier plants.

TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON.

Listen to Self Help Radio's show about cotton, which will be on the air Monday (April 2nd) from 7:30 to 9 am on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington & online at WRFL dot FM. There is a direct link to the audio stream & this is it.

For those of you who move at slower, more cotton-like, pace, the show will be archived sometime later at the Self Help Radio website.

SERIOUSLY, TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON ALREADY.