Preface To Hollywood: Have I Ever Been To Hollywood?

Have I?  I've been to Los Angeles, but have I ever been to Hollywood?

Looking online, I'm pretty sure I have.  I haven't seen the Hollywood Walk Of Fame or other landmarks, but I've driven in the area.  Did I know it was Hollywood?  Nope.  Did I care?  Not really.

At some point in my youth, I thought I wanted to act.  In ninth grade, I auditioned for two of my high school plays & took a semester of "theatre arts."  I felt like if I could memorize stuff - & I could - I would be a good, if not great, actor.

Heck, I even got to go to another high school to do improv!  But I did terribly.

& then, when I got a small part in the second play, I was unable to come to rehearsals because the teacher/director couldn't keep to the schedule.  I probably wrote about this here.  In frustration, I quit the play.

In twelfth grade, my friend Terri encouraged me to audition for a production of The Crucible.  I don't know what I expected - I'm sure many of the best parts went to people who had been involved actively in the Thespian Society for their entire high school careers.  & who were, of course, much better actors than I was!  They did give me a part with a few lines, & I declined.  I was too old to relive my ninth grade experience.

But still I thought I might be good at "acting."  I daydreamed about doing it, but never really followed through - at best, when I discovered radio, I found I could sometimes over-emote or ham it up for comedic effect.  Once I even "emceed" a friend's performance art show, in which I guess I played a role.  But time went by, I never actively pursued any type of performance except on the radio - no stand-up, no improv, no plays.

In my first or second year in Lexington, one of the deejays I knew at WRFL took me aside & said, "Hey, we're making a movie, & we think you'd be great in the role of the main character's father."

Oh yeah, I thought.  I'm old enough to be playing fathers now.

The part had only a few lines, but it took a long time to shoot them.  I had to continually eat slices of tomato & it made me a little ill.  But I thought it was fun.  Until.

Though the movie was never released, the kids making it did show it, & put it online (protected) for us to see.  It was a very long movie & I confess I didn't make it all the way through it.  But I did see my part.  & man, was I bad.

Not adequate, not mediocre.  Downright bad.  & I realized then I had no chance of being a good actor.  Not now, of course, but also not then.  I didn't want it enough, I didn't try.  I let inconvenience deter me.  I thought myself better than small parts.  & I don't even know if I would've enjoyed the life.  But I didn't try.  So I would never know.

But I'm not sad about it!  I never really had much of an interest in being in Hollywood.  Everything's fine.

Should I Share?

There's a story I have to tell but I have to be careful about how I tell it because I don't want to betray confidences & I don't technically have permission to share private emails.  But I think I can be vague enough that it won't be obvious whom I am talking about.

The chance of Self Help Radio airing in Dallas pretty close to zero.  There are simply no outlets & there's not any space opening on KNON any time soon.  So someone I know suggested someplace else.

This would not be "syndication."  The station would operate much like WLXU, I would send prerecorded shows, the same thing.  Why would I do that if I left WLXU, you wonder?  Well, the WLXU decision had to do with the timing of the show in relation to my Tuesday show here in town.  I didn't feel comfortable with the idea that I, as a non-community member of a community station, could demand a different timeslot.  & I think I mentioned that it had been increasingly uncomfortable to me that I didn't live in Lexington anymore.

The station in question is internet-only & had people (a couple of whom I know) who do shows there who live in different parts of the country.  One of these people recommended me, actually.  It was a very kind thing to do.

& yep, I got the response today.  The show was rejected.  Oh I wish I could quote the entire email, it's a magnificent rejection letter, with the compliments at the beginning, & the blade coming down at the end.  The person in charge told me the reason for the rejection was (& this is the key phrase) "too consistently unthrilling [musical] choices."

Wow, I feel like someone just threw a ball at my head & made a big cartoon bump grow comedically!  But I confess I won't take this opinion too much to heart because the person also wrote, "I'm sure you are a well-loved radio person. I can HEAR that you are a well-loved radio person."

For the record, I've barely been a "well-liked" radio person in my many years stinking up the airwaves.  I can't imagine what would make someone think I was "well-loved"!  The person's judgment is therefore faulty & it makes sense that I shouldn't take this rejection too personally.

As if!  I will be unable to sleep tonight because of this!  But I'll be fine.  I hope!

Rejection just isn't any fun.

Sinking In

This is a good John Mulaney joke:

"I was a very nervous kid, I was anxious all the time when I was younger, but what's nice is that some of the things I was anxious about don't bother me at all anymore.  Like I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life behind real sticks of dynamite & giant anvils falling on you from the sky.  I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand!  I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life, I was never like 'Oh, what's it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?'

"Now that I've gotten older, not only have I never stepped in quicksand, I've never even heard about it!  No one's ever been like, 'Hey if you're coming to visit, take I-90 'cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. Looks like regular sand, but then you're gonna start to sink into it.'"

Where I found that, by the way, was not on John Mulaney's web site (you, when a comedian would normally have transcripts of his jokes, sheesh), & I didn't transcribe it from the track on YouTube.  Nope, I found it on a song lyrics site.

That's weird, isn't it?  I can understand wanting to understand the lyrics of songs.  I am listening to Before & After Science as I write this & I never know the entire lyrics of "King's Lead Hat" no matter how many thousands of times I've heard it.  & hey, lyrics sites!  If Eno has never published his lyrics, then let's agree that the line "draw bananas on the bathroom walls" is nowhere near as great as the line "draw my manners on the bathroom walls," which also makes more sense in a sense.

Anyway, I've noticed this one site, Genius dot com, not only has transcriptions of comedians' routines (like the John Mulaney bit I quoted above) but also entire books.

You wanna read one of my favorite books, Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson?  It's there.  You have to look for separate chapters, but hey!  Someone you don't know nor trust has annotated it!

Is the book already in the public domain?  & why hasn't someone awesome made it into an awesome movie yet?  Life is such a disappointment, & I'm saying that having not seen Solo yet!

Here's a last confession: I contribute to a lyrics site.  I've commented on songs & I've added lyrics, often transcribing them from the songs like I'm in tenth grade trying to desperately figure out Elvis Costello lyrics ("Is he saying Alka Seltzer the occasional?!?!?").  I've actually thought I knew all the lyrics to a song & had to give up.  I won't tell you which one though.  No one really likes my comments on the songs.  One guy even insulted me!  It's the internet!

These are the things I think about while preparing my Tuesday morning show.  I really should go back to listening to music though.

Self Help Radio 052518: Humming

(Original image here - which will also teach you how to hum!)

Here we are again.  Humming to ourselves while listening to music, while passing the time, while waiting or staring or wondering or trembling.  Humming, always humming.  Did I read somewhere that the earth hums?  I did!  For some reason I never got around to talking about it on the show.

& it's because there were so many songs about humming!  I thought I might have to play songs about hummingbirds or humbugs or humdingers but nope!  Too many damned songs about humming.

You can listen to the show now at the Self Help Radio website.  I guess this is the direct link.  Username is SHR, password is selfhelp.  It's one giant file almost two hours long, please look at the songs I played below & also the extras therein.

& I hope to one day get this damned hum out of my head.  Here's how the show goes:

"Darling, I Hum Our Song" Eddie Holland _The Complete Motown Singles Vol. 2: 1962_
"Uh-Hum-Mm" Sonny James _A Capitol Rockabilly Party, Pt. 3_
"Hum & Strum" "Doc" Cook & His 14 Doctors Of Syncopation _That's What I Call Sweet Music: American Dance Orchestras Of The 1920s_

intro & definitions

"Humming Forever" Drug Boyfriend & Holy Worm _Humming Forever_
"Wayward Hum" Vashti Bunyan _Lookaftering_
"The Humming Song" Martin Mull _I'm Everyone I've Ever Loved_
"Humming" Pete & The Pirates _Little Death_
"Hummin' To Myself" Connee Boswell _Sammy Fain Songbook_

interview with "The Hummer," David Fruchter

"Hum A Song (From Your Heart)" Lulu _From Crayons To Perfume (The Best Of Lulu)_
"Hummin" Cocoanut Groove _Madeleine Street_
"Seven Days (The Humming Song)" Hank Locklin _Please Help Me I'm Falling_
"You Got Me Hummin'" Sam & Dave _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Can You Hum A Tune" L.A. Carnival _Would Like To Pose A Question_

interview with Dr. Zap Beepsman

"Just Humming Along" Al Bowlly with Roy Fox & His Orchestra _Just A Bowl Of Cherries_
"The Humming Song" Gorky's Zygotic Mynci _Spanish Dance Troupe_
"Hum With Courage" Tenniscoats _The Theme Of Tenniscoats_
"The Humming Wires" Siouxsie & The Banshees _Downside Up_

interview with Hum For Change founder Jessica Pleader

"Hum Along & Dance" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_
"Humming Waters" Vic Damone _Strange Enchantment_
"Hummin'" Majic Ship _The Complete Authorized Recordings_
"Hum This Song" Marlena Shaw _From The Depths Of My Soul_
"Je T'Aime Hum Hum" Les Bel Canto _L'Histoire Des Groupes Des Années 60_

conclusion & goodbye

"Humming Blues" Joe Linthecome _Hokum, Blues, & Rags_
"Walkin' & Hummin'" Ferlin Husky _Chronogical Classics 1953-1954_
"Hummin' The Blues Over You" Brenda Lee _The Very Best Of Brenda Lee_
"Hummin' A Heartache" Clarence 'Frogman' Henry _The Complete Singles_
"18 Wheels A Hummin' Home Sweet Home" Red Sovine _20 All-Time Greatest Hits_

post mortem

Whither Humming?

(Image found here.)

Stop the presses if you've read this story before:

In the late 18th century, or maybe it was the early 17th century, a seventeen-year-old whose name was sadly forgotten penned a treatise, also now lost, about humming, connecting it to both the Enlightenment & also the Disillusionment.  How do we know about this treatise, if it is, as I said, lost?  Because before it was lost, it was circulated & people talked about it, duh.

People also copied bits of the treatise into their own treatises, sometimes to argue against it, sometimes to use it as support for their theories.  So we know what this forgotten seventeen-year-old thought about humming: he thought it was better than almost anything.  Not only that, he thought it had spiritual & curative properties.  He thought people should hum to stay well, he thought that you could hum sickness away from the ailing, he thought that humming kept one young.

For years, this intriguing bit of writing, known as the Hum Manifesto, has been sought after by people who seek things like that.  & earlier this month, an intact copy was found in a warehouse in San Bernardino, in a crate of spoiled fish, in the back where the crate had been misplaced.  Initially thought to be an exceptional forgery, scholars have determined it may well be the original & shipped it to the Smithsonian for further study.

But, alas, Trump was doing weird things with postal rates & the manuscript never made it to the archives.  There are rumors it ended up at a bed & breakfast in Lawrence, Kansas, where it sits under a copy of Guns & Ammo, waiting for its moment.  Some say they saw it hitching a ride to Reno on Highway 50 somewhere between Ely & Eureka.  Others claim it defected to China, where it could hum with impunity, having never learned their language.  But wherever it is, & especially where it isn't, I think it would be proud to know it inspired this week's Self Help Radio, a show about humming.

The episode will be available Friday May 25 at noon (central) on the Self Help Radio website.  You will like it, especially if you don't know the words.

Preface To Humming: Hummingbirds?

(Image from here.)

Over on this show's Facebook page, I wondered out loud whether a show about humming (which is what this week's show is about) should feature songs about hummingbirds.

The Wikipedia page about humming says, "The 'hum' that a hummingbird creates is created by resonance: in this case by the passage of air against wings in the actions of flying, especially of hovering."  So, hummingbirds do hum, but do they qualify for inclusion in a show about humming?

Or should there be an entire show about hummingbirds?

& while we're at it, why didn't awesome Australian band the Hummingbirds ever write a song about humming or hummingbirds?  Their jangle pop was amazing.

At this point I don't know if we'll add hummingbirds to the mix.  I'd love to hear an argument either way.  Okay.  Back to listening to music about humming.

Tumblr Blog I Like # 4

Again, this isn't a Tumblr blog, I don't know why I write that, but I discovered this comic on Tumblr so I assume it's somewhat connected with Tumblr.  It's called War & Peas.

I know, not very inventive.  But it's funny!  Look:

You can find it at war & peas dot com.  I like it!

Nearly A Week Off

The wife & me went to Chicago for a few days.  As is my wont, I walked around a lot & took pictures, some of which will doubtless make it to the Self Help Radio Tumblr page in the coming months, & also we ate lots of vegan food.

Chicago's vegan section is all on its north side, & because I had only been to Chicago a few times before (maybe three?) I wasn't quite prepared for two things: one, how compact it all seems, & two, how long it takes to get from one place to another even though it seems like you're just a couple of miles away.

One of my wife's colleagues, with whom we ate at the trusted Chicago Diner, told us there's a joke/saying/whatever in the city which goes like this: How long does it take to get to a place in Chicago?  Thirty-five to forty minutes.

There's a similar joke around here in the D/FW Metroplex.

Chicago doesn't have as many highways as we have, despite having impressive, densely-packed sprawl.  So I can drive (in non-rush-hour moments) forty-five miles in forty-five minutes, but that's a lot longer in Chicago & anyway, you're only going to make twenty miles (if you're lucky) in forty-five minutes.

Enough of that.  I enjoy mass transit.  I liked riding the trains.  I saved my Ventra Card like a souvenir.

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, vegan food.  We saw old Lexington friends at Arya Bhavan, a vegan Indian restaurant, which, on a Wednesday night, has no other customers but us.  In fact, they closed early & made us leave because they had to be somewhere else.  I regret not getting to go to their Saturday buffet.  Oh Em Gee.

We went to Chicago's vegan pizzeria, House Of Za, & got a Chicago-style to go while eating pull-apart garlic bread & vegan monkey bread while we waited.  I confess I was a little disappointed, maybe I don't like stuffed pizza, I liked it more the next day but that's always true.  I would want to eat more the next time.

What was really amazing was the Break Room at the Upton Naturals place where they make their products.  It was a small place but I swear I haven't had migas that good since Austin.

The weather was perfect for walking around.  I suppose we should've done more touristy stuff.  At one point we got lost in Cicero (who gets lots with GPS on your phone? people who aren't using the GPS on their phone) & I swear we found ourselves driving by a drug corner like in The Wire.  It was a ways from the main road, I guess it would have to be, I had never thought about it before.  We just smiled & drove on by.  But we could've bought drugs!

Anyway, I got the Morning Blend to do tomorrow & SHR this week.  Back into the swing of things I go.  How was your week?  Did you miss the show (don't answer that).

Most Mortem

Whew.  I am so fucking bad at this fundraising thing.  The only pledge I got today was from someone at the station.  I was supposed to raise two grand over three pledge days to justify my existence & despite six hours of begging & pleading on the radio - & trying to make something worth listening to - I barely made one-eighth of that.  If I got a call tomorrow saying, "Sorry, buddy, we can't afford to have you stinking up our airwaves any longer," I wouldn't be able to deny it.

Before this last show I looked over this brief article of tips for pledge drive.  What I try to hook people with - unsuccessfully, obviously - is the whole idea of community radio.  The idea of a real person playing music in a room, a person who chooses the music, who loves the music, who's the architect & builder of the program you're listening to.  I guess that's not enticing enough.

But could I do better next time, should I be allowed a next time?  I guess I'll have to try.

One good thing is this: defeat never encourages me.  The fact that I didn't do very well the first time was like a gut punch.  The second time was a mild headache.  This last time was simply what I expected would happen.  & I tried not to be a "crabby pledge person" whose "down energy dampens enthusiasm," since no one was listening all the way through.  But toward the end, after half a dozen attempts to get any call at all, I did more or less give up.

How bad was it?  You can listen to the show for the next thirteen days on Radio Free America.  I wish I could edit out the breaks, because I think the Bowie covers were great.  But, you know, not enough to donate to the station that was playing them.

Reminder

There will be no new Self Help Radio this week.  I mentioned it on the show last week, but you might not have heard the show last week, & so I thought I should mention it here this week.

It's funny, if I had still been doing the show on WLXU, I probably would have gotten a show done, since I turned them in on Tuesdays to air on Wednesdays.  But since I'll be out of town Wednesday through Saturday, I won't be able to get a show done.  I don't plan nearly well enough, nor do I have mobile recording equipment so I could record on the fly.

Anyway, you won't miss the show.  But I felt obligated to let you know.

What else do you wanna talk about?

Self Help Radio 051118: Natural Radio

(Self Help Radio logo by Suloni Robertson; sticker from here.)

Yes, finally!  One hundred percent natural radio!  No additives, no chemicals, no weird hormones, no strange preservatives, nothing but radio, except, of course, it's not on the radio at all, it's more pretending to be radio in a podcast-y kind of way, & that's it, isn't it?  The only way in this modern media landscape for radio to be natural is for it not to be on the radio.  & so this week's episode delivers!

Listen to it now or whenever you want at the Self Help Radio website.  It's one giant file, almost two hours long, & everything that's in the show is listed below.  Oh yeah: pay attention, you'll be asked for a username & a password.  Those are "SHR" & "selfhelp" respectively.

Hope you enjoy!  As Wilford Brimley might say, "It's the natural thing to do."

"Natural" The Pale Fountains _Pacific Street_
"Natural" Leon Gardner _Keb Darge's Legendary Deep Funk, Vol. 2_
"Natural" Arrested Development _The Best Of Arrested Development_

show introduction with the Definition-Tron 4000

"Natural Life" Cool Ghouls _Cool Ghouls_
"Natural High" Mike Wallace _Mixed Up Minds Part Five: Obscure Rock & Pop From The British Isles 1970-1974_
"Natural" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Natural's Not In It" Gang Of Four _Entertainment!_
"Natural Man" The Dirtbombs _If You Don't Already Have A Look_

interview with naturist David Fruchter

"Natural Woman" Katie Stelmanis _Join Us_
"Natural Guy" Louis Prima & Keely Smith _The Capitol Recordings_
"Act Naturally" The Beatles _Help!_
"Let It Come Naturally" Wilson Pickett _Funky Midnight Mover: The Atlantic Studio Recordings (1962-1978)_
"Alone Again (Naturally)" Squirrels _Scrapin' For Hits_

Gary (a different Gary) calls the Self Help Radio Self Help Line

"I'm A Natural Born Gamblin' Man" Merle Travis _Sixteen Tons_
"Natural Born Lover" Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings _Naturally_
"Mr. Natural" Mental As Anything _Essential As Anything_
"The Natural" Nord Express _Nord Express_
"Natural Kind Of Joy" That Petrol Emotion _Manic Pop Thrill_

Old Man Dickenbock interrupts!

"The Natural Girl For Me" The Chad Mitchell Trio _The Best Of Chad Mitchell Trio: The Mercury Years_
"It's A Natural Fact" Billy Childish & Holly Golightly _In Blood_
"Natural Resources" Utah Phillips & Ani DiFranco _The Past Didn't Go Anywhere_
"Natural History" Desperate Bicycles _Another Commercial Venture_
"Natural High" Bloodstone _Soul Hits Of The '70s: Didn't It Blow Your Mind? Vol. 11_

last airbreak with only a few tears

"Natural Natural Ditty" The Jewels _B-Bomb Baby_
"Natural Soul Brother" Danny White _New Orleans Funk (New Orleans: The Original Sound Of Funk 1960-75)_
"(What's Under) The Natural Do" John Kasandra _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1968-1971_
"So Natural" Gold-Bears _Are You Falling In Love?_
"Be Natural" Martin Creed _Love To You_

show post mortem

Whither Natural Radio?

(This image, from here, is from a "natural burial" website.  Use your imagination!)

What the hell is "natural radio"?  You might think field recordings, or perhaps a remote from a pleasing camp site during this lovely green spring.  But nope!  It's just a show where every song somehow invokes the word "natural."

By the way, it won't use the word "supernatural."  It almost did, but then I thought, oh fuck, that would be a pretty good Halloween theme.  You must know I am running out of Halloween themes.  Eventually it will just be me making "booooo" sounds with some cheap wind sound effects for two hours.  Soon.  But not so soon!

So this week, tomorrow at noon, you'll find out what natural radio is.  It's nothing special, it's the same old horse hockey I've done since this show began.  But there are some great tunes.  So I hope you'll listen!

Preface To Natural Radio: Last Minute Shopping

One thing I have always disliked is when one becomes familiar with people who work at a place that one visits regularly.  My sister Pat used to eat it up.  If I went shopping with her, if I were home from college, we'd go to her neighborhood Minyards, & she knew everyone & introduced me to them.  I hated it.  I wanted to buy shit & get out.

When "pay at the pump" was introduced, that was the coolest thing for me.  I remember stopping at a gas station that was closed late one night on my way to or from Austin & just buying gas.  That was cool.  Of course I do that a Costco now but there's a person paid to walk around & say hello to you.  I fucking hate that.  & of course there are "regulars" who talk to that person.

& yeah yeah I'd use self-checkout if I could everywhere I go.

This is a true story: when we first moved to Huntington, which is a small town, I ordered pizza twice from a place.  The second time, the person who answered the phone recognized me & recognized the same order.  I never went back there again.  (This is not entirely about my point - I became vegan in the fall so didn't order pizza anymore.)  (But my wife still brings this up.)

It's like I find it tacky when people want to be friendly like that.  It drives me nuts.

But here's the thing: I don't really like online shopping.  I don't do Amazon because it's a giant monolith that's destroying what's left of offline commerce that Wal-Mart didn't decimate.  But I guess I prefer it to being around actual people.

Having said that, at Sprouts this week, one of the regular cashiers called me "sir" & I told her she could call me Gary.  She said she didn't know, & I said yeah, people like me didn't get to walk around with nametags on.  Though I wish we could!

Well Yeah This Morning

This morning I did tolerably better on the Tuesday Morning Blend for the KNON Pledge Drive.  I actually more than doubled last week's take but, you know, it's not much when I didn't make very much last week.  These are the names of the folks who pledged: Anne, Shelby, Connie, Baron, & Chris.  There have been only five of them.  I remember them all.  Oh, wait.  My wife pledged too.  That was kind of her.  She looks at me with very sad eyes.

Next week I'll do one more, I'm going to do a show about superheroes, someone suggested it, I wrote that person's name down, I'll do a shout-out.  I have to admit I have no idea how to raise money, I'm terrible at it, I wish I were better, such is life.  At some point someone is going to realize they'd be better off putting someone else on the air at that time & I will go quietly.

If you did donate online, here, for example, I won't know about it for a while.  It goes through some Byzantine process to find its way to the final total.  Anyway.  At this point, it doesn't really matter.  I am nowhere near my goal nor will I reach it.  Such are vagaries of radio fund raising.

Wow, this is so damaging to my self-esteem!

Going Back In

Last week, you may recall, I discussed raising money for KNON on the first day of the station's Spring Pledge Drive. I was not sanguine about it, & it turned out it was quite hopeless indeed: I did not do well.

Tomorrow it happens all over again!  Since it's National Teacher Appreciation Day tomorrow (& the whole week is National Teacher Appreciation Week), I thought I'd do a show entirely about teachers & school.  Because, of course, teachers in our society have so much money & they can donate to community radio stations without it affecting their budgets at all.

Yep, I'm fucked.

Self Help Radio 050418: Buttons

(Original image from a button-making company.)

It's here!  The first Self Help Radio on a Friday since - well, since I moved back to Texas & started the show again as a podcast while hoping to find a place on the dial here in the metroplex but having zero luck when suddenly Chuck Clenney at WLXU asked me if I wanted the air the show again in Lexington & I said "Sure!" & did that for like a year & a half.  Since then,  the first one since then.

The show is now a podcast.  I suppose.  I am still treating it like a radio show.  I mean, I've been making the show for the past year & a half in my room so it doesn't feel much different.  Except now, I suppose, I can swear.  Oh no!  I have to warn you about swearing!

Anyway, the show premieres right now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Ah yes, it's a show about buttons.  Did I mention that?  Because of a dream?  I told you that, right?  I put it in one giant, almost two-hour long file.  I hope that's cool.  When you download, if you download, remember this: username SHR, password selfhelp .  It'll work for every file.

Below is what I played plus the extras, like the interviews, you will hear.  I hope you like!

"The Button Man" The Hellers _Singers, Talkers, Players, Swingers, & Doers_
"Bright Golden Buttons" The Highwaymen _Stop! Look! & Listen!_
"Tighten Up Your Tie, Button Up Your Jacket (Make It For The Door)" Aretha Franklin _Take It Like You Give It_
"One Two Button Your Shoe" Billie Holiday & Her Orchestra _1936-1939: Billie Blues_

introducing the Definition-Tron 4000!

"Button Up Your Overcoat" The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band _Cornology_
"Buttons & Bows" Dinah Shore & Her Happy Valley Boys _The Fabulous Hits Of Dinah Shore_
"Four Button Suit" Bob Riley & The Atoms _Rare Fifties Boston Rockabilly, Vol. 1_
"Six Button Benny" Doc Starkes & The Nite Riders _Apple Cider_
"Brass Buttons" Gram Parsons _Grievous Angel_

interview with Allen Shariaty

"Push A Little Button" Ninette Hartley _Push A Little Button_
"Push De Button" Earl Grant _The End_
"Press My Button, Ring My Bell" Lil Johnson _Copulatin' Blues_
"Push Button Love" The Internationals _Lost Deep Soul Treasures, Vol. 5_
"Bossanova Button" Remington Super 60 _All The Songs From Pling 2001_
"Pushing Buttons" The Mendoza Line _I Like You When You're Not Around_

interview with inventor David Fruchter

"Button Your Lip" Amos Milburn _The Complete Aladdin Recordings Of Amos Milburn_
"Button My Lip" Elvis Costello & The Imposters _The Delivery Man_
"Buttons & Zips" Elbow _A Cast Of Thousands_
"All Buttoned Up" Richard Thompson _Still_

Marge Most interviews archaeologist Benjamin Roundhole

"Bellybutton Song" Music For Aardvarks & Other Mammals _Putumayo Kids Presents Sing Along With Putumayo_
"Billy Button" Mary Ruth Moore _The Art Of Field Recording, Vol. 2: Unaccompanied Songs & Ballads_
"Pushbutton Head" Strawberry Story _Clamming For It_
"Poised Over The Pause Button" This Poison _Magazine 1986-1988_
"Cheap Buttons" Guided By Voices _August By Cake_
"Push Button Geoff" Miss Ludella Black & The Masonics _From This Witness Stand_

last airbreak

"Buttoned Down Disco" Clinton _Disco & The Halfway To Discontent_
"Button Up" The Bloods _New York Noise (Dance Music From The New York Underground 1978-1982)_
"Computer Age (Push The Button)" Newcleus _Jam On Revenge_
"Solo Buttons For Joe Meek" Matmos _The Rose Has Teeth In The Mouth Of A Beast_

post-mortem

Whither Buttons?

(Image from here.)

The first new day/new time Self Help Radio will be about buttons!  But why?  Was it simply too confining on radio to tackle such a controversial topic?  Not at all!  Here's why:

There was a dream.  I was dreaming it.  In the dream, everyone thought I was blind.  But I wasn't.  I was confused.  I was being praised for successfully negotiating rooms & finding things & even reading.  It was painfully obvious I was not blind.  Then I realized that was the point.  People thought I wasn't capable of even the most basic actions, walking across the floor, picking up something someone wanted, looking at a word on a page.  Confusion turned to resentment which turned to rage. But I found myself unable to hurt anyone in the dream, so my anger turned inward.  I was wearing a button-up shirt, & started to tear it off my body.  Like in a movie, in slow motion, buttons flew off the shirt, way more buttons than there actually were on the shirt, really, just too much fucking buttons, & I watched as they fell slowly to the ground, where they bounced once or twice, making a sad, echoey clicking noise as they did.

Everyone noticed what I had done & someone screamed to me, "Pick up those buttons!"  & then someone else said, "He can't see them!"

That may not be the best inspiration for a radio show ever, but I remember the dream, & there will be a show about buttons.  I certainly hope you can handle it.

The show will be available tomorrow, Friday, May 4th, at noon central time.  It will be on the show's website, Self Help Radio dot net.  I'll let you know when it's up.  It's going to be a lot of fun.

New Intro Time Again Again Again Again Again Again!

Every year, at the first of May, with an exception or two, I make a new intro for the show.  It felt appropriate since this week will be the first episode post-WLXU.

With the exception of 2004, there has been a new Self Help Radio intro each year.  I solidified the when around the time I started deejaying on WRFL - a new intro would happen at the beginning of the summer schedule, which happened in May.  It's May.  I would've probably made a new one if the show had stayed on the air in Kentucky.  In any case.

Here's what you'll hear if you download the show Friday:

The 2018 Self Help Radio intro!.

Here are all the other intros.  They vary in quality.  Such is life.  I can't believe I've made sixteen of these!

You can listen to the 2002 intro (my first!) here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

You can listen to the 2011 intro here.

You can listen to the 2012 intro here.

You can listen to the 2013 intro here.

You can listen to the 2014 intro here.

You can listen to the 2015 intro here.

You can listen to the 2016 intro here.

You can listen to the 2017 intro here.

I hope you like it.  If you listen to Self Help Radio, you'll be hearing it every damn week.

That Was Brutal

The wife & I headed up to KNON this morning with a bunch of songs about monkeys in the hopes of raising some money for the station on the first day of Spring Pledge Drive & despite all the monkey songs, we raised very little.

Remember what I said yesterday?  "I have made the mistake of having my self-esteem tied up with how I do with raising money."  So I've naturally felt awful today.  Because while there are certainly different methods for being successful with pledge drives - good premiums, powerful pitches, etc. - it seems the easiest way to encourage people to support what you do is to do a good show, one that people enjoy listening to.  When no one (well, three people) feels moved to help out the needy non-commercial radio station in your show's name, it's hard not to find it an indictment on your abilities as a programmer.

So yeah, I take it as solid evidence that I suck.

To make matters worse, I sat down tonight to watch The Last Jedi for the first time since seeing it in the theater, where I was very surprised that I dug it, & the blu-ray disc fucks up almost exactly at the half-hour mark.

A brutal morning, a disappointing evening.  Let's hope this doesn't feed into an extremely awful episode of Self Help Radio this week.

Raising Dough

Yikes!  Tomorrow is the first day of the Spring Pledge Drive on KNON!  & who has the third show of the Pledge Drive?  This guy!  I repeat: Yikes!

Ever since my first Pledge Drive, which was at KVRX, in which I did terribly, I have made the mistake of having my self-esteem tied up with how I do with raising money.  I've never been good at raising money, & I've never been a terribly popular disc jockey.  But what I want of course is to help the stations that kindly, foolishly let me deejay on their airwaves by making sure they can afford to continue broadcasting.  When I can't do that, it's even worse than the feeling of being disliked (or, worse, ignored).

During the first Pledge Drive this year, I decided on a simple strategy: bring a little Self Help Radio to the Tuesday Morning Blend.  So, my first Pledge Drive show was about money, & my second show was about kissing (since it was the day before Valentine's Day).  I think I did okay.

Tomorrow, I'll do a show about monkeys.  Maybe monkeys will delight listeners enough to open their wallets for KNON?  I sure hope so!

Wish me luck.  I will definitely need it.

Change Is Gonna Come

(I found this image here.)

This past week's Self Help Radio was the last one which will air in Kentucky on WLXU.  It would be fine if they kicked me off the air, but I'm leaving of my own volition for a couple of reasons.

The main one is the show I do on KNON.  I prerecord SHR for WLXU, but I do the Tuesday Morning Blend live, & it happens that Tuesdays is when I turn SHR in to the Lexington station.  So I have been putting two shows together on the same day (Monday) & there's a part of me that feels I haven't been giving them the attention each deserves.  & I love live radio, so if it's a choice between me sitting behind a board & playing music live & talking, or prerecording, I'm going to choose the live one, even if it isn't my beloved Self Help Radio.

The other thing is probably silly, but I listen to WLXU a good amount & it's a very community-focused station, the way radio ought to be.  But I haven't lived in Lexington for almost two years.  I have felt a little like an impostor for a while.

& KNON is about to have its Spring Pledge Drive, & I want to make sure I'm totally present to help raise moolah for that fine station.

What's going to happen to Self Help Radio?  Well, I can't just let it go, it's my deformed child, so I'll return to the podcast format, releasing a new episode every Friday at noon.  I've changed the dates on the web site to reflect that.  If you're one of the few people who actually listen, who knows?  I might try different stuff in a more-freeing podcast format.  But probably not.  I'm so set in my ways!

Listen: I have to thank so many people with regards to WLXU.  Kakie Urch asked me to help with training in the early days & I was glad to, & Hap Houlihan let me do stuff once the place was up & running, including producing the show Cradle To Grave there for a few months.  Extra special happy thanks to Chuck Clenney, who asked me to do the show on WLXU when I had left Kentucky, & to Mary Clark, who had to load my dumb show on the automation every week.  Finally, though I never met him face-to-face, much thanks to new GM Mark Royce who fortunately for me never said, "Why is this foreigner doing a show on this Kentucky station?"  Great people all, & the station is as good as it is because it's had such amazing people behind the scenes & in front of the mics.

Anyway.  Maybe you'll listen to me on Tuesdays & download the show on Fridays?  Maybe?  I hope so.  No pressure.  The pressure's all on me.

Self Help Radio 042518: Indiepop A To Z # 56

(Almost all the images found on Discogs.)

From the Melons to the Milltown brothers, from the UK to the US, up to Germany, down to Spain, over to Japan & up through Mexico, here are thirty-two tracks that I think fit the definition of indiepop, or were influential to indiepop, or had something about them that linked them to that genre. This is the fourth episode in the letter M & I suspect there'll be a lot more.  But you don't have to worry about my OCD alphabetizing again for another four months or so.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio home page, it's two hours long & split into two parts, what's in each part is below.  I hope you find some delightful stuff here - I think it's all great!

(part one)

"Eskimo" The Melons _Black & Blue_
"Sister I'm A Poet" Colin Meloy _Colin Meloy Sings Morrissey_
"32 Sweet Teeth" The Meltations _32 Sweet Teeth_

"The Ali Baba Song" Melvyn & The Smartys _Woosh! Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_
"Chinese Whispers" Melys _Chinese Whispers_
"You Supply The Roses" Memphis _You Supply The Roses_
"The Phone Call" Memphis _A Good Day Sailing_
"Boating" The Men Of Westennese _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 5_

"Pop Goes The World" Men Without Hats _Greatest Hats_
"I Wonder What Went Wrong" Meow Meow! _I Wonder What Went Wrong_
"So Ist Das Leben" The Merricks _Mit Sonnenschirmen Fingen Wir Den Blütenzauber 12"_
"When You're Young & In Love" Stephin Merritt _Obscurities_
"Vilma (Ábreme La Puerta)" Meteosat _Vilma (Ábreme La Puerta)_

"Sun" Metro _Modapop: Fantasías Veraniegas - Colección Elefant (2003-2004)_
"Spend My Whole Life Loving You" Metro Trinity _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 1_

(part two)

"Easy To Say" Metronome _This Is Stereophonic Sunshine_
"One Day Older Than Today" Mexican Kids At Home _Recycled Songs For A Happy Environment_
"Wonderful Lie" Mexico 70 _Wonderful Lie_

"Cada Dia Es Domingo (Everyday Is Like Sunday)" Mexrrissey _No Manchester_
"Chapel Gravel" Miabeane & The Asthmatic Scene _Birdsongs, Beesongs: Eardrums Spring Compilation 2009_
"When It All Comes Down" Miaow _When It All Comes Down_
"Dolly" Microdisney _Scared To Get Happy (A Story Of Indie-Pop 1980-1989)_
"Why Didn't My Parents Buy Me A Casino" Micromars _Metro_

"My Biggest Thrill" The Mighty Lemon Drops _Happy Head_
"Built Like A Car" Mighty Mighty _A Band From Birmingham_
"Dying To Hear From You" Miles Dethmuffen _Miles Dethmuffen EP_
"Morrissey, Jeff Mangum, Stephin Merritt, John Darnielle" Mikrofisch _Masters Of The Universe_
"Just A Girl" Milk _Blackbean & Placenta Sampler No. 3 1999-2000_

"The Emperor Of Oranges" Milky _Travels With A Donkey_
"Burgeois Blues 99" Milky Wimpshake _Lovers Not Fighters_
"Rain Come Down" Million Sellers _Shreds, Vol. 3_
"Roses" Milltown Brothers _Coming From The Mill 1989_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 56?

(I found this image over there.)

Many years ago, on my deathbed, I took my as-yet-unborn children by the hand & I said to them, "Your father did many, many foolish things in his day, my loving sprogs.  Initially I thought women would be impressed by my doggedness when later I realized it was stalking.  There were people in the service industry who should never had had to deal with me at all.  No one - I repeat no one - needn't suffer to hear me sing.  & of course I never should have had that last cookie.  But my one regret," I told them, hoping they could hear me over the sound of their little hearts breaking, "is that I never finished the indiepop a to z series on the radio.  Could you do that for me, my descendants, my heirs, my quite probably illegitimate offspring?"

They looked kindly into my fading eyes & checked their phones.  But one of them - the youngest, or maybe the oldest, or possibly one of those in-between, smiled & said, "Of course, father.  But what is radio?"

That dismal future happened too long ago, but it's never too late for me to prevent it happening again.  So please listen to another installment of the indiepop a to z series on tonight's Self Help Radio which is on WLXU, 93.9 fm in Lexington & online as well from 9-11pm eastern.  Your past self will thank you, or curse you.  It's not anything I can predict.

Bob Dorough

The great Bob Dorough died today (you can read his New York Times obituary here) & I was lucky I was on the radio this morning so I could play one of his songs.  & not just any song: I played Three Is A Magic Number, the first song he wrote for what would become Schoolhouse Rock.

It's hard to overstate the effect that those songs & cartoons had on me as a child.  I was an avid watcher of Saturday Morning television, & I would put my mother's cassette tape recorder up to the little black & white television we had to record the songs (videotaping would have seemed like crazy science fiction to me) to listen to over & over.  In first grade (or maybe second), I mentioned to my teacher that I recorded them, & she asked me to bring them up to play to the class; I remember being embarrassed because I would read the little credit at the end of the cartoon, whether it was "grammar rock" or "science rock" or "multiplication rock."  The class laughed when they heard my voice on the tape.

How incredibly serendipitous that a man like Bob Dorough - a true lover of music - & a clever songwriter himself - came to not only write many of the songs, but shepherded them as Music Director for the project.  He brought in old friends like Blossom Dearie to sing some of the tunes, & the styles were diverse & mesmerizing.  I can't speak to any real knowledge about psychology, but I am willing to surmise that my own often unwieldy taste in many kinds of music may have its roots in the genres & voices Dorough encouraged & brought to the project.

Life went on.  I grew up.  I didn't watch cartoons on Saturday mornings any more.  (Saturdays I slept in.)  Then one day in twelfth grade I was at my friend Joe's house & he had an actual Multiplication Rock record.  Holy shit.  (It was this one here.)  I didn't imagine such a thing existed - it would've been like discovering a record that had all my favorite television themes on it!  I borrowed it, I taped it, I tried to share my enthusiasm with my friends.  Some were not amused - later on, my friend Russell told me that he was trying to get me interested in serious music in high school & all I cared about was "children's music."

Maybe I felt a bit of vindication when, in the 1990s, they released all the Schoolhouse Rock stuff on CD, & trendy bands covered them, & even America's Sweetheart Drew Barrymore wrote a forward for the box set booklet.  But mainly I was glad to have them - I play them regularly on my show, & even played "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here" last week on Self Help Radio.

& that dear man, that soft-spoken, Southern-accented man whose nimble fingers & quick wit made those songs that I love as much as anything I love, I am going to say he's responsible for much of my love of music.  He made learning fun, he helped me learn my times tables, his voice in my head made me realize possibilities in music I simply didn't know about at the age of five, six, seven, eight.  That it's been decades & I'm still thinking about this music - still playing it on the radio! - suggests that his work - & this includes his non-Schoolhouse Rock work, which I discovered later - it suggests that what Bob Dorough made in his long life has an element of the timeless about it.

Thank you, good sir.  I think you understood how much you were appreciated, & how much what you created was loved.  It was the best thing to have grown up with your music in my life's soundtrack.

Placeholder

Hold this.
Where?
In place.
What place?
Any place.
Any place?
Any place.  But here.
Then where?
When where?
Maybe now where?
Maybe nowhere.
So where?
So we're safe.
& sound?
& sound is all we'll hear.
Here?
Anywhere.
Where is anywhere?
It has to be somewhere.
Where some are?
Some but not all.
Hardy any?
Softly most.
Mostly?
It's the least you can do.
Can I?
If you must.
Must I?
If you may.
May I?
If you can.
& if I can't?
Then give it back to me.

Often Forgotten

This is a thing I do: I go the usual way to get from place to place & then, if I have a little time, I turn, right or left, & go in that direction for a little while.  I often take pictures when I do that.  I often have enough sense of direction to not get completely turned around, but will often rely on the GPS to get me back home.  But this metroplex I live in is defined by sprawl & there's so much space, & so many people in that space.

Maybe my favorite thing to see & take pictures of is an abandoned building, whether a home or business, waiting for time or gentrification to destroy or reinhabit it.  This part of the world values new over old - it's crazy how many lovely old homes there are that exist, build just in the 1950s or 60s, but people still buy hastily-constructed McMansions - but there are still some decaying treasures out there, often flanked by fast food joints or unattractive, boxy strip malls.

There were many abandoned homes in Huntington, West Virginia, where I lived from 2009-2010, but I didn't take many pictures then.  The convenience of the digital camera had yet to find me.  If I went back, I would take tons.  I don't think I'll ever go back, though.

When I am out & about, I drive slowly, I make sure I'm on a four-lane road so angry drivers can zoom in frustration past my little Prius.  If I want to take a picture, I'll need to slow down or even stop.  Today I went around the block a couple of times to get a picture.  Back when I started taking pictures, in Lexington, friends warned me that I might get beaten up by people suspicious of me, but I try not to be so obvious.  Last year, in Oakland, a homeless man yelled at me & started to chase me because I guess I took a picture of his tent, but that's as close to danger as I've ever been in.

Anyway, I drove a little around Grand Prairie today, which no longer has a prairie in its city limits.  I took a few pictures.  I went from one highway to another, & was a little disappointed when it seemed I was heading home.

If you'd like to see some of the pictures I take that I like, I put them on the show's Tumblr blog.  Yes, they would be more appropriate on Instagram, but I don't think there was an Instagram when I started that blog.  It's nothing special, just like me, but it's something I enjoy.

One thing, though: I wish it were easier to get lost in this world.

Self Help Radio 041818: Markets

(Original image here.)

Hooray!  It's market day!  Make sure you have cash!  Get those reusable bags!  Don't make a list - we'll just buy whatever catches our eye!  Do you wanna bike there?  Drive?  Are you crazy?  To the market?  Well, you can drive but I'm gonna bike!  Or walk!  Let's take the dogs!  Let's take the neighbor's dogs!  Let's take the neighbors!  It's motherfucking market day!

& so it went on this week's Self Help Radio, a show about markets of all kinds but let's face it it's mainly about supermarkets & the like.  People just don't write songs about market forces or stock markets or even marketing come to think of it.  But supermarkets, oh yeah.  We're in those fuckers all the time.  Do you remember that episode of Happy Days where the Fonz taught Richie how easy it was to pick up women in the supermarket?  & he accidentally hit on Richie's mother?  That was funny.  Where was I?  I don't really remember.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website.  It's free to download but look for the username & password (which are on the front page there) or you won't get to listen.  There are lots of songs & also guests in both parts & what's in each part is listed below.

Does this seem organic?  It doesn't look organic to me.

"At The Market" Remington Super 60 _Indie Pop For Kids, Vol. 1_
"Open Air Market" Petrikis _Open Air Market_
"Market Place" Etta James _Etta James R & B Dynamite_

"Market Day" The Brotherhood Of Lizards _Lizardland_
"Down To The Market" The Kooks _Konk_
"A Supermarket In California" Allen Ginsberg _Howls, Raps, & Roars: Recordings From The San Francisco Poetry Renaissance_
"Supermarket Blues" Eugene McDaniels _Headless Heroes Of The Apocalypse_
"Let's Loot The Supermarket Again Like We Did Last Summer" Mick Farren _The Stiff Records Box Set_

interview with "the Market Guy" Lorenzo Schwab

"Lost In The Supermarket" The Clash _London Calling_
"Fairytale In The Supermarket" The Raincoats _The Raincoats_
"Supermarket" Iggy Pop _Skull Ring_
"Shoplifters Of The World Unite" The Smiths _Louder Than Bombs_
"Shoplifters Market" Firesign Theater _Eat Or Be Eaten_

"Queen Of The Supermarket" Bruce Springsteen _Working On A Dream_
"Supermarket" Earl Sinks _The Man With 1000 Names_
"Supermarket Full Of Cans" The Eyes Of Blue _The Mod Scene_
"I'm In The Market For You (Don Howard, vocals)" Ben Selvin & His Orchestra _The Very Best Of Ben Selvin_

interview with Paul Krugman Karl Proogman

"Go Shoppin' (feat. Eek-A-Mouse)" Bran Van 3000 _Discosis_
"The Market Of Farms" Artichoke _Etchy Sketchy Skies_
"Matt Neffer: At The Supermarket" Bob & Ray _Classic: Volume 3_
"Abominable Snowman In The Market" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers_
"Supermarket Scene" Icecream Hands _You Can Ride My Bike: The Best Of Icecream Hands_

interview with grocer David Fruchter

"Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here" Bob Dorough _Schoolhouse Rock: Grammar Rock_
"Stone Cold Dead In The Market (He Had It Coming) (with Ella Fitzgerald)" Louis Jordan _Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five, Vol. 3: 1944-1946_
"Le Supermarché" Les Calamités _Les Calamités_
"Shopaholic" Bis _Social Dancing_
"Electronique Supermarket" Skanfrom _Cashier Escape Route_

"Supermarket Casanova" Hyperbubble _Candy Apple Daydreams_
"Touching Boys (In Supermarkets)" Alice & The Enemies _Alice & The Enemies_

Whither Markets?

That picture above is one I took of the Fort Worth Public Market, an urban ruin which once, the Wikipedia says, "housed various businesses such as grocers, bakers, & butchers."  It continues, "At its peak, the Public Market had space for 145 farmer & vendor stalls & 30 permanent retail shops."  Most interesting to me is that the space had a weekly radio show on WBAP during its life!

It is no longer at its peak.  There's more information here, but fascinatingly, it was built in 1930 but succumbed to the effects of the Great Depression & closed as a market in 1941.  That's not terribly long.  It housed various businesses but hasn't had a tenant since 2004.  The area around it, however, is being gentrified, so there's always the chance that it'll experience another rebirth at some point.  But probably not as a market.

The picture was taken earlier this year, before I even knew I'd be doing a show about markets.  I just happened to run across it today, as I was mulling over what sort of nonsense I'd write about tonight's episode.  The city is full of abandoned buildings like this.  All around the metroplex, especially in the expansive suburbs, cheap apartment complexes are being built, along highways, on the former prairies that used to circle the cities.  Meanwhile inside the cities places like this are left to rot.  It's a wonder they leave the edifices up.

(Well, they have to in this case - it was designated a Texas Historical Landmark in 1980.  I think that's what's prevented the wrecking ball from obliterating it entirely.)

Though I probably won't mention this market on tonight's show, there are many other markets to note, so have a listen, if you'd like, from 9-11pm eastern at 93.9 fm in Lexington & online at Lexington community radio dot org.  This markets has plenty of things you'll want & they're all free!

Preface To Markets: This Little Piggy

There used to be - there still is? - a flea market in Garland where I would buy CDs very cheap & someone said to me when I was walking away from the stall - I had just bought Joy Division's Still for two bucks - the person said to me, "All his shit is stolen, man."

For the longest time - it seemed like years but was probably just a few months months - on Sunday mornings, the wife & I would leash up the dogs & we'd walk to the Farmer's Market in Lexington on Southland Drive.  I hated navigating the hounds through all the people - who wanted to pet them, & from whom they wanted to steal food - so I'd sit across the street, outside this German restaurant, closed Sundays, & call my mother or my sister, & pass the time with talk.  I was thinking we stopped going because my wife got bored of it, but actually we stopped going when I started to cook more - before we planned meals, my wife would buy things & decide what dinners to make with them - but I prefer to lay out the week in advance, & if I couldn't find, say, eggplants at the Farmer's Market, it would screw up my schedule.  I began to buy my food supplies at a place I knew would have what I needed.  The Farmer's Market then because superfluous.

In 1992, I went to Mexico City.  I was in love with a girl who had been studying abroad there & we arranged to meet after she was done in Cuernavaca.  I was struck by how every street was lined with people selling things - an entire city that was a market - & felt strange after a while that I wasn't buying anything.  Like a kid in a convenience store who's just passing the time, I glanced at everyone like they might kick me out for not being a paying customer.  & once of two, I'd feel a strange sensation up against my butt, a pickpocket attempting to steal a wallet I didn't carry.  I'd turn & look at the pilferer & feel a little sorry I had nothing to steal.

When I was a kid I loved to go to this place called Treasure City, which seemed large beyond measure, which was in reality about the size of an average K-Mart.  But unlike a K-Mart, you would walk in & the front area was full of little children's rides, like horses & tiny carousels.  & if you dropped me into that place again today I would know exactly where the toy section was, & it was a mess.  There would always been lots of children there & board games would be opened & books strewn about & toys being played with.  It's a wonder they were able to stay in business, &, of course, they didn't.

Gosh, I must have been in either early middle school or late elementary school when a new Minyard's supermarket opened in the shopping center next to the apartments I lived in.  I remember the opening day because I, who had no money, managed to be one of the first hundred or so people who entered &, because of that, I got a little plant, some kind of succulent, as an opening day gift.  I wandered the aisles but was happy to find, in the back corner, two things: the magazine section, which had comic books, & the water fountain, which was right next to the magazine section.  I took the plant home & set it on my window sill & promptly forgot about it.  I'm sure my mother tossed it out eventually.

The Wikipedia article on markets - meaning marketplaces - says the first Persian markets appeared around 3000 BCE.  Five millennia of humans going to places to buy things - food, clothing, toys, housewares, anything, everything.  Isn't it crazy that when you go to the outlet mall you're basically doing the same thing the first people did when they went to the bazaar?

It's a shame, in its way, so many people do it from their computer these days.

Judge Harry

Harry Anderson was a funny guy but he wasn't the funniest guy on his own television show.  That didn't seem to bother him one bit.  It let him slowly move into the role as the show's moral center, which I'm sure pleased him.  But most certainly he had that sense of self that some comedians have that says, "The important thing is the laughs, & it doesn't matter whether I'm the one getting them or not."  He wasn't quite the straight man, but he could be, & he had an amazing cast to react to.

It's hard to believe that Night Court started in 1984 because I remember watching it in college, but there it was, on the air during my (probably) formative years.  I was sixteen when it started & twenty-four when it ended.  & I think I tried to catch it in the spring of 1992 on Wednesday nights, before or after Seinfeld, when it had just started.  I've watched the first couple of seasons since, but most of the show is not available on DVD.  Maybe that'll change, or it'll come to Netflix or something.

As you probably know, Harry Anderson died today.  He made me laugh so much when I was younger, him & his show, & I'm sure he'll do it again.  That's the sort of magic he really practiced.

Bump On The Knee

Oh no!  There's a bump on my knee!  Better get to Web MD!

First I have to check my symptoms.

It's asking me my age & gender.  That's easy!

Main symptom?  All right!  "Lump on knee."

Medications?  Oh, they won't let me put "whiskey."  Oh well.

"Conditions that match your symptoms:

"Baker's cyst
"Osteoarthritis"

Oh no!  Oh no!

My wife: "You fell down & hit your knee the other day, moron.  It's a swelling.  Do you see the bruise?"

Okay, adding "bruising."  The same results!

My wife: "I'm going to take the internet away from you if you keep this shit up."

Oh all right.  Sigh.

My wife: "& stop touching it!"

Self Help Radio 041118: Mermaids

(Original image here.)

It's true, mermaids live among us!  While researching this show, in Fort Worth, which is nowhere near the ocean, I had a vision of mermaids playing poker in an undersea bar.  The music was slow & murky, because, you know, you have to move through water to play the piano.  & there were no drinks because you just had to open your mouth to drink something.  In fact, it made no sense why there would be a bar underwater.  But it was a vision, so it didn't have to make sense!

In my vision, after I ordered a scotch & soda at the bar (it never came) (for reasons explained above), one of the poker-playing mermaids motioned to me, & I went over.  She told me her name was Glurble & she worked part-time as a real estate agent while she was working her way through college.  She was so beautiful!  She said she knew of some lovely coral I could easily make a home in but it was going fast, not because of people buying it, but because of climate change.

While I couldn't buy any property, I could offer to buy her a drink, which went over as well as might be expected.  It turns out she was married, & I was too, even in a vision, which I thought massively unfair.  But after she spurned me I became aware that she wasn't the only one: there were hundreds, thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands of mermaids, & they were all married!

It seemed appropriate that this be the subject of a radio show.  & so it was.  Hear the results of my scientific investigation now at the Self Help Radio Science Page.  It's all true I swear!  You'll need a username & password to enter, but that information is on the page.  It's in two parts of almost-equal length, & what is in each section is below.

Spurned by Glurble!  My heart remains broken.

(part one)

"The Mermaid Song" Cab Calloway & His Orchestra _1941-1942_
"Song Of The Mermaid" Petula Clark _It Had to Be You: The Complete Early Singles_
"Mermaids" Paul Weller _Heavy Soul_

"Zennor Mermaid" The Hit Parade _Cornish Pop Songs_
"Mermaid" The Dollyrots _Whiplash Splash_
"Mermaid" Flight Of The Conchords _Folk The World Tour_
"My Mermaid & Me" Bill Soden _Fading Yellow, Vol. 6 (Another Rich Smorgasbord Of Timeless US Pop-Sike & Other Delights)_

interview with mermaid hunter Capt. David Fruchter

"The Mermaid" Ewan MacColl _Ye Mariners All: More Shanties & Forebitters_
"Let The Mermaids Flirt With Me" Mississippi John Hurt _D.C. Blues: The Library Of Congress Recordings, Vol. 1_
"The Mermaid" Frankie Laine _The Frankie Laine Collection_
"The Mermaid" Shel Silverstein _I'm So Good That I Don't Have To Brag_

"Blue Eyed Mermaid" Bobby Darin & The Jay Birds _The Complete Singles Collection_
"Mermaids & Surfer Girls" Colleen & Paul _Colleen & Paul_
"Mermaids" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Push The Sky Away_
"Mermaid Smiled" XTC _Skylarking_
"Sweatshop Mermaid" Haircut _Sweatshop_

InterOptions!

"Minnie The Mermaid (A Love Song In Fish Time)" Bernie Cummins & His Hotel New Yorker Orchestra _Baby How Can It Be (Songs Of Love, Lust, & Contempt From The 1920s & 1930s)_
"Little Mermaid Time" The Telephone Company _Panda Brain!_
"Mermaid Chant" Crushed Out _Teeth_
"Mermaids" Gingerlys _Gingerlys_

phone call from actual merman SteFin Seaborn

"Mermaids" I Am Kloot _I Am Kloot_
"Mermaid" Inspiral Carpets _The Beast Inside_
"Mermaid" Viva Saturn _Soundmind_
"Mermaid Drowning On Dry Land" Miles Dethmuffen _Clutter_

"At The Mermaid Parade" Katell Keineg _At The Mermaid Parade_
"In A Mermaid Tail" Po! _Horse Blanket Weather_

Whither Mermaids?

(Image found here.)

My adventures with mermaids go all the way back to my youth.  As an only child living in a fishing village, with my mother all but enslaved to the local fishmonger & my father always out to sea, I was alone a great deal.  The busy wharf & market were too frenetic for a boy with my sensitive disposition, so I would find myself wandering along the shore, staring out into the sea which seemed my destiny.

One sunny afternoon, I was daydreaming with the gulls when I suddenly heard what sounded like a whisper, then another whisper, then giggling.  I crept along the rock to see two beautiful mermaids lying about, half-in the water, half-out, chatting in a carefree manner.  I was frozen by fear, but became aware they had noticed me, by their glances & the accompanying laughs, though they otherwise ignored me.

Soon enough they were gone, diving back into the deep with their tales splashing as they went.  But I came back to the same place every day to discover it was their ritual to take lunch at this very spot regularly.  Though we didn't speak the same language, we managed to communicate by gestures & expressions on our faces, though I did manage to pick up a few words of mer-talk by & by.  They never once seemed interested in learning my language, which suited me, as I was not a talkative child.

When people now talking about "the abduction," it is assumed that some criminal element from our village had taken me for the months I was gone, & though I did my best to dissuade the authorities, & my parents, that nothing of the sort had happened.  No one took my away; I had decided to travel with the mermaids of my own volition.  To be sure, I was afraid of the cold & dark world underwater, but to acclimatize me to their surroundings was easy, as they were of course magical creatures.  Most surprisingly, I discovered many other humans in their underwater world, humans who showed no interest in returning to the surface.  My concern for my mother always nagged at me, & soon I asked to be taken home.  The merfolk did not imprison me in any way.

Over the years, I ventured there when I could, & even once took a common-law mermaid wife, which explains why I have never married here.  But my life above water kept calling me back - my parents took ill & needed constant care before their deaths, & my mother had needed me to work with the fishmonger to pay the bills.  It wasn't until I was much older when I found one of my oldest mermaid companions playing with what seemed to be gold coins.  She took me the site of a sunken ship which contained a fortune in treasure.  I would take some jewels & coins with me every time I resurfaced, & soon became the richest man in our village.  I even bought the fishmonger's place, & put him to work as my employee.

Expeditions were launched to discover the source of my good fortune, but they could never go as far out nor as deep as I did.  Jealous rivals accused me of stealing, but with the money I had I could always defend myself, & on occasion, arrange for their own misfortune.  In this way I managed to remain happy both on land & in the sea - truly, I was one of the few who successfully navigated the dangerous waters - both literally & figuratively - that separated the two spheres.

& now, in my old age, I have thought to tell the world about my adventures with my mermaid & mermen friends.  A book seemed to me too common, & they would never let me film or record them in any way.  It seemed music would perhaps serve me best, but I am a poor singer with no musical skills.  Yet there were many songs about mermaids.  Thus I hit upon a novel idea: a radio program, where I would share my stories as well as songs about my merfolk friends.  Alas, I have discovered too late that this would already happen, well before I could prepare such a tribute.  But I shall listen!

That show, about mermaids, airs tonight from 9-11pm eastern on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington, Kentucky, a poor, landlocked place.  I will be listening with my mermaid friends online, at Lexington Community Radio's website.  Yes, mermaids have the internet.  They steal it from the wires that run along the sea floor.

As for me, I do hope my friends enjoy it.  If not - well, it's been a long time since humans have angered them enough to cause them to retaliate on the surface world!

Preface To Mermaids: What About The Mermen?

No, no, not the Mermen!

Mermen!  Male mermaids!

There's a board on Pinterest, whatever that means.  Plus I google image searched that shit.  Here are some of my favorites:

(This guy's story is here.)

(Romantic!  It's from here.)

(Popeye the Sailor Merman!  Oh my.)

(Fine art by Cameron Stalheim.)

& finally, the o.g. merman, Triton:

(Many more images here.)

Now, of course, almost all the songs tomorrow are going to be about mermaids, so hopefully Mermen's Rights activists will consider this a goodwill gesture to balance the show somewhat.

If female half-human/half-fish creatures are called mermaids, why aren't the male versions called merboys or merlads or merguys?  Maybe mermen deserve to be marginalized.  Just saying.

Famous Mermaids

Eek!

A long time ago, when it was just me doing my show, I was often accused of talking too much.  You see, when it came to whatever the show's theme was, I loved talking about it during songs.  It probably was mostly boring, but I kinda miss it.

Nowadays, with the "interviews" I do, which I find funny even if no one listening does, I don't get a lot of time to explore the theme as I used to, by, you know, talking about stuff I found out.

For example, tonight I was reading this Mental Floss article about famous mermaids.  It's totally the sort of thing that I'd talk about over a couple of airbreaks on the show.  But since I probably won't have the time Wednesday, I figured I could share it here.

& since you didn't ask, no, I've never seen a mermaid.  I don't think I've ever even dreamed about one.

Thomas Mann

How long as it been since I've read The Magic Mountain?  I mentioned it to my very old mother today, who, despite being German, had never read it.  We were talking (my conversations with my mother are kind of weird) about tuberculosis.  Why were we talking about that?

My mother as she has gotten older has constantly questioned why she's gotten so old.  I would never mention to her that she's always been terrified of death (not to mention life) so she has been extremely careful throughout her life.  But I wanted to point out to her that if she had been born in 1829 instead of 1929 she would probably not have lived as long as she has.  I pointed out to her that in the 19th century, she wouldn't have had anesthesia, penicillin, vaccines - which led to the discussion of tuberculosis.

Anyway, after the conversation, I wondered how many Thomas Mann books I've read, which interested me.  Go to the end of his Wikipedia page, he's written tons of stuff.  It's just The Magic Mountain & Death In Venice for me.  I'm a little amazed that I've missed so much.

But then - just tonight - I spent some minutes watching the new trailer for Solo
more than once & I understand: the young man who was interested in literature in my teens will always, always, defer to the ten-year-old who fucking loved Star Wars.
Is that true for everyone?  I wonder.