Self Help Radio 021621: Souvenirs

(Original image here.)

You've visited.  You had your experience.  Now it's time to get a souvenir!  What kind of souvenir do you want?  There's a shop with some things.  Also there are craftspeople who make stuff, they're over there.  Oh! A tee shirt!  I'll bet you can find a tee shirt!  Or there's one of those people who'll draw you in a grotesque manner.  That's fun!  They're all souvenirs.  They're all keepsakes, mementos to remember that you were here.  Things to display or show.  Just pick one!  Or two!

Or you know what?  Why not just listen to a radio show about souvenirs?  There are lots of songs about souvenirs & there are interviews with people who run souvenir shops & stuff like that on the very same show!  It turns out that this week's Self Help Radio is about souvenirs!  What?  No way!  It's true!

The show is in two handy places depending on where you want to listen.  You can go to the Self Help Radio KBOO page, it's there.  You can also listen at the Self Help Radio website, where you'll need a username & password, which are SHR & selfhelp.  There are playlists at both places but below are details about what you'll hear in-between the songs.

Sorry we don't have any keychains with your name on them!

Self Help Radio Souvenirs Show

"Souvenirs" John Prine _Diamonds In The Rough_

"Souvenirs Of A Heartbreak" Thelma Jones _Second Chance: The Complete Barry & Columbia Recordings_

"Souvenirs" The Concretes _Hey Trouble_

introduction & definitions

"Souvenir From A Dream" Tom Verlaine _Tom Verlaine_

"From Souvenirs To Souvenirs" The Three Degrees _A Toast Of Love_

"Souvenirs" Architecture In Helsinki _Fingers Crossed_

"Lembranças" As Mercenárias _The Beginning Of The End Of The World: Brasilian Post-Punk 1982-88_

"Souvenir Of Mexico" The Silvertones _Silver Bullets_

interview with Graceland souvenir shop proprietor Daniel Black

"I Always Get A Souvenir" Tommy Collins _Blackcat_

"Among My Souvenirs" Judy Garland _Alone_

"Souvenir Of Summer" Bill Pritchard _Jolie_

"Tears & Souvenirs" The Stylistics _Thank You Baby_

"Souvenir" Saxophone _Souvenir_

interview with local entrepreneur Regis Regis

"Sad Souvenirs" The Four Tops _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 5: 1965_

"Souvenirs" The Drifters _Let The Boogie-Woogie Roll (Greatest Hits 1953-1958)_

"Souvenir d'Afrique" Boulpik _Konpa Lakay_

"Souvenir" Almadrava _All You Left Us_

"Souvenirs" Gretchen Peters _Trio_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Souvenir Souvenir (Part 1)" Kuruki _TV Scape_

"A Terrible Souvenir" Bricolage _Bricolage_

"Souvenirs Of Stefan" Dana Gillespie _Foolish Seasons_

"Souvenir" Pink Martini _Je Dis Oui!_

"Souvenir" AgesandAges _Alright You Restless_

interview with souvenir skeptic Dr. Frederick Smoot

"(Thanks For The) Summer Souvenirs" Bill Haley & His Comets _The Decca Years & More_

"Les Souvenirs Les Souvenirs" France Cartigny _France Cartigny_

"Souvenir Souvenir" Stereo Total _Oh Ah_

"Le Temps Des Souvenirs" Françoise Hardy _Françoise Hardy_

"Souvenir D'Italie" Connie Francis _The Italian Collection Volume Two_

"Souvenir" Valley Below _Running Rites_

three souvenir haiku from Polish poet Jadwiga Lukasz

"Broken Heart For A Souvenir" Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys _Faded Love 1947-1973_

"Souvenirs & Californian Memories" Billie Jo Spears _Faded Love_

"Goner w/ Souvenir" Richard Buckner _Since_

"Pictures Are My Only Souvenirs" Peter Courtney _Guys Go Pop! Volume II 1966-1967_

"Souvenirs Of Summertime" The Rays _30 Original Golden Oldies_

"Souvenirs" Shout Out Louds _Ease My Mind_

conclusion & goodbye

"Les Portes Du Souvenir" Les Nubians _Princesses Nubiennes_

"Souvenir Souvenir" Oswald Kouame _Gninfangui_

"Tristes Souvenirs" Molly Johnson _Messin' Around_

"Souvenirs" J Fernandez _Many Levels Of Laughter_

"Souvenir Of 1969" The Thieves _Soul Thief 12"_

"Souvenirs" Barbara Evans _Rockin' Boppin' Girls_

Whither Souvenirs?

(image from here.)

Do you like souvenirs?  Do you collect souvenirs?  Do you have a cabinet or other place in your home where you show off souvenirs?  Or are you a reluctant gatherer of souvenirs?  Are they forced upon you by person with whom your travel?  Do you sometimes acquire them out of obligation but imbue them with no real meaning?  Does it sometimes feel like the process of getting souvenirs is a memory you'd rather not have of a journey?

These seven questions form the basis of this week's Self Help Radio, which is a show about souvenirs.  In fact, if those questions were an essay test, this week's Self Help Radio would be the actual three-hour essay composed during the exam.  Although it probably won't be as depressing as a test.  Though it might be as depressing as watching someone taking a test.  Or listening?  Probably more like listening.

With that, I remind you that Self Help Radio's show about souvenirs airs tonight on KBOO from midnight to 3am.  That's on 90.7 fm & online at kboo.fm.  Afterwards you can keep or throw it away!

Preface To Souvenirs: Power Off

(Image from the Portland General Twitter account.)

Power went out tonight.  Ice covers everything.  Phone on low-power mode.  Might not be able to live tweet Dickenbock Report in the morning.  Of course!  This is a souvenir of the weird cold ice snow we've been having!  Because it's all about Self Help Radio.

Photographs Of Places I've Lived # 21: Bal Lake Dr.

That's not the greatest picture of the house we owned in Fort Worth, Texas, but it's a picture I took one night when I took the trash out.  It was a lovely house.  It is the best place I ever lived.  I miss it a great deal.

If you've been keeping up with this series, you'll know there's a common occurrence in home buying: my wife finds a place, I don't like it, she sees something in the place, she fixes it up to make it magic.  This is certainly true for the house on Bal Lake Drive.  It was a weird, claustrophobic home whose charm eluded me.  When my wife was done with it, it was a magnificent place to live.

When we moved in, in late 2016, we had a menagerie of four cats & four dogs.  When we left, in May of 2019, we were down to three of each.  My sweet loves Ringo & Beatrice died in that house - we had a doctor come to end their suffering, not all at once, when it was their time.  I would have stayed there for the rest of my life just in honor of them, they were so amazing & great.  But the house was in Fort Worth, in Texas, in a place where I & my wife had no future.

We had amazing neighbors, don't get me wrong.  We lived in a lovely subdivision.  We were comfortable.  But we had no future.

It occurred to me when thinking about this today, that even though I was able to do radio while living there - I had a show on KNON - I never did Self Help Radio live while I lived in this house.  Imagine!  I recorded a show to be aired on WLXU in Lexington for a time, & after that did the show as a podcast.  I sat in that house, which I loved, & recorded so many fake interviews, & put together so many shows, & they were never live.  Three years of Self Help Radio not live.

Some friends in Kentucky couldn't believe we'd leave the house we had there.  They're still in Kentucky, they don't seem to share my apprehension of that state.  The house in Kentucky on Southbend was sublime but it was too big for us.  The house on Bal Lake was perfect.  Okay, the yard might have been too big (though not for Pauline, who loved it).  The pecan trees were a pain in the ass (though the dogs did love crunching all the nuts that fell).  & Texas is just way too hot for too many months of the year.  & let's not forget the fucking Trump & Ted Cruz signs we had to endure.

But the house itself.  Unbelievably perfect for us.  I can't believe I'll never step foot in it.  We were barely there for what, two & a half years?  Yet it's imprinted on my DNA.  I think there's a part of me that still moves around it like a spirit.  I can see outside its every window.  I know every step to take, I can find anything - anything - you need me to find in that place.  I cooked meals, I fed animals, I watched television & films, I danced, I drank too much, I cleaned up, I made a mess, I turned all the lights off at night in that house.

It seems nice folks bought it.  They for some reason painted the brick exterior white.  Ah well.

One last thing.  There was a great oak in the front yard.  A gorgeous thing.  When workers were in the neighborhood, they had lunch under that tree.  I sometimes watched them.  & I understood.

Here's a picture from Google Maps.  This is from 2018.  I think we scandalized some of our retired elderly conservative neighbors with our Beto sign:

To jump ahead - the place I live in now in Portland is my second-favorite place I've lived.  I'll get to why it's second in a couple of weeks.  But let me just say, gosh.  That was a great house.  I loved that place.  I really did.

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As a postscript, I'd like to point you to the posts I wrote about Ringo - that's a link - & about Beatrice, also a link (the names).  In case you care.

Valentine's Day Films

(Image from IMDb.)

If you heard this week's Valentine's episode of Self Help Radio - & if you didn't, you can do so at the Self Help Radio website! - you heard another installment of Chuck's Happily Unsophisticated Cinema Korner featuring two specific kinds of Valentine's movies: a selection of "psychotronic + love" films; & a selection of films in which hearts are ripped out of bodies.  Chuck is nothing if not a romantic.

He has prepared Youtube playlists & IMDb lists for each!  The links for those are:

Psychotronic + Love Youtube | Psychotronic + Love IMDb
Hearts Ripped Out Youtube | Hearts Ripped Out IMDb

If you're like me, & have never heard the term "psychotronic" before, Chuck has provided as link: toward a definition of psychotronic film.

Chuck is our resident cinephile & you can keep up with his film watching on his Twitter feed, & read his Letterbox reviews right here.  He keeps adding to these even after the show!

Happy Valentine's Day!  Hopefully there's something here for you to watch.  Especially if you, like me, are a bit snowed-in this holiday weekend.

Self Help Radio 020921: Valentine's Day 2021 - Make You Mine

(Original image here.)

Oh boy!  Just in time for Valentine's Day!  Well!  A bit early for Valentine's Day!  You will have likely forgotten all about this show when Valentine's Day rolls around!  Still!  A Valentine's Day episode of Self Help Radio!  Here it is!

Whew.  It's hard being so excited.  Especially about a collection of songs that feature the phrase "make you mine."  Or "make him mine."  Or "make her mine." Though looking at that playlist below, that's forty-five songs.  Why so possessive, o insecure lover?  Why must one be made yours?  Or his?  Or hers?  It's stunning that love needs to be owned in ways that aren't quite the same as experienced.

You can listen to the show now & on Valentine's Day & whenever you want at the show's website, Self Help Radio dot net.  (You can also listen to the show at the KBOO website.)  At the Self Help Radio site, there's a username & a password you'll require - those are SHR & selfhelp, respectively.  In addition to music, there are interviews, both of which are noted below.

Happy Valentine's Day!  Make it yours.

Self Help Radio Valentine's Day  Show 2021

"Make You Mine" Honey & The Bees _Dynamite!_

"Make You Mine" Question Mark & The Mysterians _Question Mark & The Mysterians_

"Make You Mine" The Drums _Summertime!_

introduction

"Gonna Make You Mine" Betty & The Bops _Pin-Up Confidential_

"Gonna Make You Mine" Brenda Holloway & Jess Harris _The Early Years: Rare Recordings 1962-1963_

"(She's So Fine) I Just Gotta Make Her Mine" Syl Johnson _Complete Mythology_

"I Can Hardly Make You Mine" Cults _Static_

"Make You Mine" Buju Banton _Rasta Got Soul_

interview with matchmaker Cory Cupid

"Can't Seem To Make You Mine" The Seeds _The Seeds_

"Gonna Make You Mine" The Red Button _She's About To Cross My Mind_

"Wanna Make Him Mine" The Emeralds _The Girl Group Sound Volume 2_

"Mind Over Matter (I'm Gonna Make You Mine)" The Pirates _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 2: 1962_

"(I Wanna) Make You Mine" MC Trouble _Gotta Get A Grip_

a talk with my youngest friends Alyssa & Jason

"(I Can't Seem To) Make You Mine" The Clientele _Strange Geometry_

"If I Could Make You Mine" The Love Notes _Rumble_

"I'm Gonna Make Her Mine" Billy Butler _Sugar Candy Lady_

"I'm Gonna Make You Mine" Little John _Ghetto Youth_

"Make You Mine" The Stems _Buds_

Chuck talks Valentine's movies for Chuck's Happily Unsophisticated Cinema Korner

"Gonna Make Him Mine (Tonight)" Pookie & The Poodlez _Young Adult_

"Make Him Mine" Susan Maughan _The Best Of Susan Maughan_

"I'm Gonna Make You Mine" Lou Christie _Glory River: The Buddah Years, 1968-1972_

"Make You Mine" George Jackson _In Muscle Shoals_

"Gonna Make You Mine" Anglo Saxon Brown _Songs For Evolution_

interview with my friend Edgar

"I'm Gonna Make You Mine" Johnny Daniel & The Soul Malibu's _Lost Soul Oldies: Rare & Hard To Find Oldies, Vol. 1_

"Make You Mine" Greatest Hits _Danse Pop_

"I'm Gonna Make Him Mine (Tonight)" The Donnas _The Donnas_

"Gonna Make Him Mine" The Orchids _Go Girl (Dream Babes Volume Four)_

"Make You Mine" Side Effect _Portraits_

a terrifying airbreak without background music!

"Gonna Make You Mine" Frank Frost _Jelly Roll King_ 

"I'm Gonna Make You Mine" The Shadows Of Knight _Nuggets (Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era 1965-1968)_

"I'll Make Her Mine" The Valiant Trio _Detroit Undercover: 30 Classic "Lost" 45s From The Motor City_

"Gonna Make You Mine, Girl" The Excels _Gonna Make You Mine, Girl_

"Gonna Make You Mine" Crimson Shadows _Declaration Of Fuzz_

the boring penultimate airbreak

"Gonna Spend My Time (To Make You Mine)" Orella Myers _Candy Doll_

"Gonna Make You Mine" Fabian _The Fabulous Fabian_

"I'll Make You Mine" Johnnie Ray _Cry_

"I Can Make You Mine" The Originells 4 _Nights_

"Make Her Mine" The Hipster Image _The Mod Scene_

"To Make You Mine" Robert Dobyne _Can't Get Along Without You_

conclusion & goodbye

"Got To Make You Mine" Pure Silk _Pure Lovers, Vol. 1_

"Make Her Mine" Mayer Hawthorne _A Strange Arrangement_

"Gotta Make You Mine" Velvet Crest _Gotta Make You Mine_

"I'm Gonna Make You Mine" The American Breed _Pumpkin, Powder, Scarlet, & Green_

"I'll Make You Mine" Thee Headcoats _Headcoats Down!_

"Make You Mine" Mellowmen _Tomorrow's Sound Today

Whither Make You Mine (Valentine's Day 2021)?

(This is the cover of a book. Read about it here.)

Yes, I am aware that Valentine's Day is nearly a week away.  The problem with only having a show on once a week is that, when you plan holiday shows, you run the risk of having a show that's chronologically nowhere near the actual holiday.  It's something that happens.  It's happening this week because the Self Help Radio Valentine's Show is five days before Valentine's Day.  & no one wants to think about Valentine's Day until it's looming over them like a calamity.

& what's with this theme "make you mine" anyway?  Surely this show doesn't believe love is possessive!  Or does this show not endorse its own themes?  Listen, argument I am having with myself, we explore themes without prejudice.  & it turns out there are more songs in which someone wants to "make you mine" than there are varieties of chocolates in the biggest box of chocolates you can buy online.  & that includes "make him mine" & "make her mine" songs too.

Don't believe me?  Fine, just tune in to 90.7 fm KBOO tonight at midnight (Portland time) to listen to three hours of Valentine fun on this week's Self Help Radio.  You can listen in town at the frequency above & you can listen online at kboo.fm.  It probably won't melt your cynical heart, but at the very least you'll hear a song or two you may enjoy.

Preface To Valentine's Day 2021: Make You Mine

Valentine's Day is one of those holidays on which I like to do a show but for which I also like to have a unique theme.  In the nearly nineteen years of Self Help Radio, I've done seventeen Valentine's Day show, & the themes of those shows have been:

2003: the first show, just general Valentine's stuff
2004: love
2005: hate
2007: crushes
2008: jealousy
2009: boyfriends
2010: girlfriends
2011: love songs
2012: lovesick
2013: love is...
2014: valentines
2015: famous lovers
2016: heartbreak
2017: sweethearts
2018: roses
2019: flirting
2020: the heart

The reason I didn't do a Valentine's Day show in 2006 is, I believe, because the building which housed my radio station had had a fire & was closed for a couple of weeks.  I have no idea what I had planned for that year - I suspect nothing.  I didn't plan ahead that much in those days.  In fact, there was a popular show on the local NPR affiliate in which the host would come up with a theme & have his interns find songs for him, & a couple of times when I was talking to people, they'd say, "Oh yeah, self-important NPR guy covered that theme last Thursday!"  One time a guy called me & asked if I were trying to copy him.  I said, "No, I don't even listen to his show."  "That's weird," the guy said, amazed.  "I wonder what that means."  I think we had both done shows about the devil.  Apparently my soul was in danger.

All this, by the way, from someone who's never really celebrated Valentine's Day.  I bought a few candy hearts to give to female friends on Valentine's Day in twelfth grade, but I don't think I meant them as anything more than platonic.  In fact, one of the women gave it back to me - she was mad at me at the time - & so I gave it to my mother, who was very touched.  I guess I never really did anything nice for her when I was a teenager.

This year I think the only thing the wife & I are looking forward to for Valentine's Day is the return of John Oliver's show.  But hopefully this week's Self Help Radio will also be a bit enjoyable.

The Street On Which There Are Three Empty Houses

There's a street near where I live, & on that street there are three houses that sit empty.  One of them I call haunted.  One is doomed, the other is just lonely.  I regularly take pictures of the haunted house.  I want to make a movie of its decline.  The doomed house was still alive when we first walked past it, there were hoarders & perhaps drug users living in it, & around it - cars & campers with people living in them were parked on the street - the doomed house is on a corner.  Come to think of it, the haunted house is on a corner, too, but the street it's on is a busy one, & no one lives in it so no one lives around it.  The lonely house is just lonely.

There's a slightly sadistic part of me that's waiting for the doomed house to come down.  A couple of weeks ago, its outer shell was removed, there are just exposed boards there now, with flat plywood over the windows.  The same people that stripped the house surrounded it with a border of some material in black bags, which I suppose is supposed to protect from detritus & runoff.  Nothing has happened since the stripping.  Well, except someone pried the plywood from a window, & perhaps went in & looked around.  That wasn't me.  I would've liked to do it, but I was raised to obey 'no trespassing' signs.  Also, I'm usually there with my dogs & who would watch them as I awkwardly shimmied through the window?

The lonely house hasn't changed at all since the first time I saw it.  Looking straight at it, you might not think it was empty.  It has a "no trespassing" sign on the front door which is conspicuously large, it pops out like an eye behind coke-bottle glasses.  But a private person might have such a sign, why not.  It's only when you look down the overgrown driveway to the side of the house that you see the windows have been boarded up.  Like the haunted house, there appears to be no sign of improvement or development.  It's just sitting there, lonesome, waiting patiently for its next act.  Someone once lived there.  Maybe someone will again.

Why leave the houses to be doomed, haunted, or lonely?  Your guess is as good as mine but we happened a couple of weeks ago upon a neighbor who was chatty about the house across the alley from hers.  We often walk by this house but never knew it was empty.  She explained it had been, for years - since she'd lived in the neighborhood, at least.  Now there was excitement - someone was doing repairs! painting! checking the foundation! all that good kinda stuff!  But why now?

The neighbor (whose name I don't remember, although I do remember the name of her rescue dog, which is Neil) told us that the house had been inherited by a couple of siblings - a brother & a sister - who squabbled about its fate.  The sister wanted to sell, the brother wanted to rent.  Unable to compromise, the house sat empty for years, maybe even a couple of decades.  What had changed?  The sister had died, it seems.  Now the house was being prepared for rental.  Is it weird to imagine that the sister cursed her brother's win before she died?  That, however she met her end, it took longer because of this certainly meaningless tiff?

The doomed house is almost certainly being demolished; its owner lives elsewhere, & tolerated the drug users & the hoarders as long as they paid rent.  When the damage they inflicted to the house & property became more than the market share of rent, they were evicted, the house closed up, & plans to sell the place were made.  It may no longer belong to the current owner, & people who live nearby worry what will eventually end up there.  An obnoxiously large & "modern" home?  A series of cramped townhouses? There are probably ways to find out that involve visiting city planning offices but there's a kind of nervous joy that comes from a guessing that feels like worrying.

The haunted house appears to be owned by folks who visit occasionally.  I think we might have seen them once - they appear to be quite old.  The property has a garden that is grown in the spring & summer - do the owners do it?  Or do they allow the neighbors to use the property?  One thing is sure, the place is falling apart.  I suspect left alone it would crumble in a couple of years.  & frankly it is left alone, mostly.

The lonely house remains lonely.  It should be my favorite but it isn't.  & that makes it even more lonely.

Supposed To Do That Places I Used To Live Thing But Tired

It's late Friday.  Had Indian food & a donut for dinner.  Just watched Bill Maher.  Am quite tired.  Want to sleep & wake up early because I have a show to put together.  The show's not live anymore, I wonder if I've mentioned that.  I need it in by midnight tomorrow.  I live tweet the show, though, so I am there live.  I also record the show as if it's live.  Anyway, the next place I've lived I think is my favorite.  I want time to write properly about it.  & I won't have that time tonight or probably even tomorrow.  Being tired is a fascinating feeling.  It's kind of a helpless feeling, really.  & when I get into bed I can't fall asleep right away no matter how tired I am.  I knew a girl once, we had sort of dated but remained friends, one of the men she was with after me, she was talking about him, maybe trying to make me jealous? Anyway, she told me that he would tell her, when they were in bed, "Good night," turn & immediately fall asleep. If she noticed any envy in my face it was that. Holy shit what an amazing superpower. I couldn't go to sleep immediately if my very life depended on it. Or the opposite. If someone said, "You know what? It doesn't matter if you fall asleep right away or not." My brain would be like, "Cool! I wonder what the zoning situation is in regards to alleys vis-a-vis homeless people parking old RVs in them." That was from today's nap. I set aside ninety minutes & managed to sleep probably 45. But then again I sometimes sleep without being aware I'm asleep, so that's unfair. Anyway, I am tired. My brain races when I'm tired. So this is what I'm going to write tonight. Sorry. I don't even know if I have the energy to find a picture of our old Fort Worth house. When the new owners have painted white. It's so strange. It's a brick house & they painted the bricks white. I can't bear to look at it. Time for sleeps now. Good night. If you check back in thirty, though, I'll probably still be awake.

Self Help Radio 020221: Glow

(Original image here.)

Earlier today, on a dark winter morning in Portland, the only light came from the glow of the radio dial.  & what could you hear on that radio dial?  An episode of Self Help Radio that also glowed.  Because the show was about glow.  It may well have been the first bioluminescent broadcast in history.

Did it glow from some chemical process?  Is the show (as many have suspected) radioactive?  Was it simply cleverly backlit from a hidden light source?  No, it turns out it glowed because the songs themselves had the power to cause the radio to glow.  It may have been the only glow in the dark of the night - other radio shows in the area seemed to languish in the blackness.

Will it still glow in the obtrusive light of day?  That's for you to discover!  You can listen to the show in two places: at the KBOO website; & on the show's website at Self Help Radio dot net.  Should you choose the latter, be aware you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp).  The show is also a tad longer - the KBOO version ends exactly at 3am, but I finished the song I was playing.  See below what you'll hear on the show.

The program should continue to glow for some time.

Self Help Radio Glow Show

"Glow" Al Jarreau _Glow_

"Glow" Breathless _Chasing Promises_

"A Glow" Okkervil River _Black Sheep Boy_

introduction & definitions

"Glow" Rick James _Glow_

"Glow" Hibou _Hibou_

"The Glow" The Prids _Until The World Is Beautiful..._

"The Glow" Bearhug _So Gone_

"Glow" Dreemtime _New York Lounge Funk_

interview with glowing person Elton Shore

"Glow In The Dark" Iggy Pop _Free_

"Glow In The Dark" The Bongos _Drums Along The Hudson_

"These Fish Glow In The Dark" Miniskirt _Woody Allen Likes Guitar Pop_

"Glow In The Dark" Death Valley Girls _Glow In The Dark_

"Everything Glows" Les Barker _Probably The Best Album Ever Made By Anybody In Our Street_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Moonglow" Billie Holiday _1952_

"Blue Glow" Pulp _Masters Of The Universe (Pulp On Fire 1985-86)_

"The Orange Glow" Globelamp _The Orange Glow_

"Lemon Glow" Beach House _7_

"A Beautiful Glow" Choice Four _On Top Of Clear_

Marge Most reports

"In The Glow" The Flower Machine _Lavender Lane_

"Amazing Glow" Pernice Brothers _Discover A Lovelier You_

"Glow Buddy" Lovely Bad Things _Teenage Grown Ups_

"The Moonlight Radiates A Purple Glow In His World" Salako _The Moonlight Radiates A Purple Glow In His World_

"Glow & Behold" Yuck _Glow & Behold_

a Self Help Radio list: animals that glow (feat. Ned Dry)

"Glow Worm" Johnny Mercer _Small Fry: Capitol Sings Kids' Songs For Grown-Ups_

"Glow Worms" Vashti Bunyan _Just Another Diamond Day_

"Glowworm" Apples In Stereo _Fun Trick Noisemaker_

"Orange Glow" Lightning Love _Blonde Album_

"The Glow" The Microphones _It Was Hot, We Stayed In The Water_

nothing planned for this airbreak

"Sunlight Bathed The Golden Glow" Felt _The Strange Idols Pattern & Other Short Stories_

"Glow" Screaming Lights _GMN/Glow_

"Easy Come, Uneasy Glow" Outrageous Cherry _Out There In The Dark_

"Glowing" Camera Shy _Camera Shy_

"The Glow Of Love" Change _The Disco Years (Boogie Fever) Volume Three_

conclusion, goodbye, & introduction to the afterglow

"Afterglow" Momus _Voyager_

"Afterglow" Foxtails Brigade _Time Is Passed_

"Afterglow" The Servants _Reserved_

"In The Afterglow" BMX Bandits _Theme Park_

"Afterglow" Chvrches _Every Open Eye_

Whither Glow?

(Image from here.)

Quick! Name ten things that glow! I'll go too! Neon signs! Fireflies! Jellyfish (some, not all)! The moon! Sunset! Radioactive elements (not all but I believe plutonium does)! Disgusting liquids at a crime scene under UV rays in a police procedural! Glow sticks (duh)! A light bulb! Zinc sulfide (I looked that one up)!

Maybe it's hard to name things that glow but boy things that glow are neat.  I never had those glowing stars some kids' parents put in their bedrooms (which are made with zinc sulfide) but I envied them.  Hey!  Another thing that glows is a night lite! & Lite Brite!  Just let your mind sink into the glow & you'll realize we're surrounded by glowing things.  & how wonderful that is.

Which brings me (sorry) to tonight Self Help Radio, which has the theme "glow," & which will probably not glow in the dark from midnight to 3am (it's technically Tuesday morning but it feels like Monday night).  You can listen in Portland at 90.7 fm & everywhere online at kboo.fm.  It'll be much of the same thing but this time you can imagine it glowing!

Preface To Glow: Idioms With Glow

Above is an actual entry at the idiom page of the Free Dictionary for the word "glow."  What the hell?  Why use the name Gary here?  Don't they know it's dying out?

It's been a while since I've talked about idioms on the show, which is a shame.  It's one of the most favorite things I do.  Alas, I don't think I'll have time to do it on Tuesday morning.  So I thought I'd share some here, in anticipation of the show about "glow."  These are from that page linked above.  Also linked there!

Besides "glow worm," noted above, there are two other uses of the word "glow" in relation to intoxication:

a glow: A mild alcohol or drug-induced high.

I don't want to get drunk tonight, I just want a nice glow.

have (got) a glow on: slang To become drunk.

Did he really have a glow on at the bar last night? Is that why he was acting so weird?

How long has it been since anyone has used glow in this way?  I believe it's been decades.

Here's another awkward use of the word "glow": glow up

1. verb To transform oneself in a significant way. The phrase can be applied to positive changes in one's appearance, but usually focuses more on one's successes in life & increased self-confidence. Modeled on the phrase "grow up."

I feel like I really glowed up this year because I started a great new job, ended a toxic relationship, & became comfortable with being single.

2. noun A significant self-transformation. The phrase can be applied to positive changes in one's appearance, but usually focuses more on one's successes in life & increased self-confidence. (Oooo. Déjà vu!)

I feel like I really had a glow up this year because I started a great new job, ended a toxic relationship, and became comfortable with being single.

Like the use of glow meaning drunk, this particular idiom hasn't been used in ages, if it ever was.  The folks who work in the idiom section of the lexicographer's office are awful lonely, & to pass the time, they add things to web sites like this in the hopes someone will find them & at the very least come to see them.

This is one of the those idioms that seems self-explanatory but I have spoken English nearly my entire life, so I can't imagine not figuring this out from context:

glow with (something)

1. To emanate light, typically due to the presence of heat.

The logs in the fireplace glowed with a soft light.

2. To show a particular emotion in one's facial expression.

The bride & groom have just been glowing with joy all day long.

By extension of the second definition, you get the following:

bask in the glow of approval (from someone)

To revel in the approval that has been shown to one by others.

She's still basking in the glow of approval from the critics who came to the play's opening night.

The boss had a lot of praise for my pitch today. I'm still basking in the glow of approval!

feel a glow of contentment

To feel delighted & satisfied.

The newlyweds are so cute—they really seem to be feeling a glow of contentment.

& finally, a related pair - so related, the person who wrote this page used the same sample sentences (!) rather than think of different ones.

in glowing colors

In a very complimentary, positive, or favorable manner.

You must have really impressed your teachers because they speak about you in very glowing colors.

That reviewer talked about the film in glowing colors, so I kind of want to see it now.

in glowing terms

In a very complimentary, positive, or favorable manner.

You must have really impressed your teachers because they speak about you in very glowing terms.

That reviewer talked about the film in glowing terms, so I kind of want to see it now.

Lazy.

Those are some glow idioms.  It would have been a nice way to pass a late-in-the-show airbreak.  Instead, it's a hopefully tolerable way to pass a pre-show blog entry.

Disambiguation (disambiguation)

Getting to that page on the Wikipedia where you discover a word you like - a name you thought you knew - something you might have suspected was unique - was not - has other meanings.  Isn't a homonym but you might have thought so.  Disambiguation!  "The process of identifying which meaning of a word is used in context."

There's not a synonym for synonym*, palindrome isn't a palindrome**,  & onomatopoeia isn't a sound naming itself.  But disambiguation has a disambiguation page on Wikipedia.  Which somehow seems appropriate.

If there were a page for Self Help Radio on Wikipedia (which there isn't), it would probably be on the disambiguation page for "self-help radio" (also not a page).  & "self-help radio" might be on a separate page of different types of radio, maybe kinds of "talk radio" (which does have a page but doesn't mention self-help radio).

It's late.  You're just looking for information.  Maybe just curious.  Maybe you made a bet.  You discover there's some disambiguation.  So you look some more.

*Some smarty-pants think differently.
**The palindrome of Bolton, by the way, is not "Notlob."

Photographs Of Places I've Lived # 20: Diaz Ave.

(Image from Google Maps.)

In August of 2016, we escaped Kentucky.  The wife drove a big truck with some of our stuff in it (our unsold house in Kentucky held many of our belongings) & I drove our tiny Prius.  We had four cats & four dogs, which in retrospect seems completely improbable.  I have memories of getting to Fort Worth, Texas, on a Friday afternoon, on I-30, with the August sun bearing down, trapped on a highway I would get to know too well, overwhelmed, frustrated, strangely excited.

We landed at this rental which we agreed to sight unseen, because of the aforementioned animals.  It was not a terribly clean place, & when winter hit we discovered it was not a terribly insulated place.  The day we moved in, early August, was hotter than most people's ideas of hot, & I had to take the dogs to a room where there was an overworked wall unit, as moving people moved our things inside, leaving the front door open nearly all the time.  When there was a moment to breathe, my wife tasked me to go get some food for us to eat, but also some things (for no real reason there wasn't a shower curtain) at a retail store.  I went.  I visited a grocery store, a box store, a cool vegan restaurant - all in the peculiar dry heat of a Texas summer night - & when I got home, I found my wife weeping.  She hated the place we'd ended up, she was second-guessing her job choices, she was - in a word - miserable.

& really avoiding miserable would be the goal of our time back in Dallas/Fort Worth.  We were there for about three years & mostly it wasn't what we wanted or expected.  The first morning in our new place, we woke early - Texas summers being what they were - & walked around the new neighborhood, to get our bearings.  At 6:30 in the morning, it was 83 degrees.  We needed to make adjustments.

Though it's barely been five years, I can't remember when my wife decided to look for a new house, but I don't think we lived in Diaz Avenue for more than a few months.  As someone who understands time in terms of mowing lawns, I don't think I mowed that lawn more than a dozen times, probably less.  I was in that house the night America stupidly chose a cartoon clown to be president.  My records of photographs show that by mid-November, we had purchased a different place to live.  As usual, my wife's tastes were second-guessed by me, & I was found to be dumbly lacking in imagination.

Self Help Radio 012621: A Private Show

(Original image here.)

Revealed at last!  A private radio show made public!  Wait.  Is was public all along?  That's how radio works?  That makes no sense.  How could a private radio show be public?  It's all just crazy talk.  What I know now is that this week's Self Help Radio was a private show, & it's now available to the public.  Unexpectedly!  Shockingly!  Distressingly!

You can listen to the show now at the Self Help Radio website.  To make it still seem a little private, you'll need a username & a password, but those are SHR + selfhelp respectively so it's not like it's a private club or anything.  You wouldn't want to be a member anyway.  What happens on the show is below.

Consider your privacy respected.  Consider the show's privacy violated.

A Self Help Radio Private Show

"Privacy" East Wall _Silence_

"Private Show" Black Marble _Bigger Than Life_

introduction & definitions

"At Home (Introduction)" Bill Bryson _At Home: A Short History Of Private Life_

"It's Private Tonight" Arthur Adams _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 9: 1969_

"Private Hotel" Bernthøler _Merry Lines In The Sky_

"Private Party" Shopping _Why Choose_

"Peace & Privacy" The Shoes _Dutch Invasion_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Private Life" Pretenders _Pretenders_

"Private Lives" Ultravox _Vienna_

"Private Life" Woody Allen _The Stand-Up Years_

"Private Number" Judy Clay & William Bell _Beg Scream & Shout: The Big Ol' Box Of '60s Soul_

"Private Idaho" The B-52's _Nude On The Moon: The B-52's Anthology_

interview with privacy expert Joshua Frampton

"My Bathroom Is A Private Kind Of Place" American-Standard _The Bathrooms Are Coming!_

"My Private Affair" Dawn Davis _Listen To The Banned_

"Private Armies" Vivien Goldman _Resolutionary_

"A Private Future" Love & Rockets _Seventh Dream Of Teenage Heaven_

"Private Party" Bobby Nunn _Private Party_

resident cinephile Chuck discusses his favorite comedic private eye movies

"Private Eye" The Hitmen _Aim For The Feet_

"Private Dicks" Private Dicks _Avon Calling: The Bristol Compilation_

"The Further Adventures Of Nick Danger (Introduction)" The Firesign Theatre _How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All_

"Private Eye" The Crabs _What Were Flames Now Smolder_

"Private Eyes" The Bird & The Bee _Interpreting The Masters Volume 1: A Tribute To Daryl Hall & John Oates_

a "performance" by Major McCheese accompanied by Ned Dry

"Why Do They Call A Private A Private?" Ethel Merman _V Disc: The Songs That Went To War (WWII 50th Anniversary Collector's Edition)_

"Automation/A Private In Washington's Army" Bob Newhart _The Button-Down Mind Strikes Back!_

"Private Plane" Thomas Leer _Contradictions_

"Private Plane" Hüsker Dü _Flip Your Wig_

"Private Revolution" World Party _Private Revolution_

a clarification of the origin of the rank "private"

"Private Property" Langhorne Slim _Lost At Last Vol. 1_

"Private Property" Laurie Anderson _United States Live_

"Private God" Polak _3 X 3_

"Private World" New York Dolls _New York Dolls_

"Private World" Side Effect _Goin' Bananas_

"Private World" The Vels _Velocity_

conclusion & goodbye

"Private Hell" The Jam _Setting Sons_

"Private Name, Private Number" The Frenchmen _Sorry We Ruined Your Party_

"The Private Dining Room" Ogden Nash _Voice Of The Poet: American Wits_

"Dreaming Is A Private Thing" Little Name _How To Swim & Live_

"Private Lawns" Angus & Julia Stone _Memories Of An Old Friend_

"Nobody Could Care Less About Your Private Lives" McCarthy _The Enraged Will Inherit The Earth_

Whither A Private Show?

(image from Amazon)

Is anything private anymore?  How would that even work?  What's the story with the paparazzi, anyway?  Can you imagine eking out a living trying to get photos of an actor or pop star taking out their garbage?  & what about private investigators?  They might be looking through that garbage!

Speaking of, within a few months of moving to Portland, I had my identity stolen, probably by someone who looked through my recycling.  Someone was able to pretend to be me because I was conscientious enough to recycle something but not smart enough to shred it.  No expectation of privacy indeed!

There may be a time when there is no privacy so let's take a brief, three-hour moment in the wee hours of the night to celebrate as many private things as possible.  It may become a private joke between us in our private correspondence.  Because like the stars whose "clouds" were hacked so their privates were made public, I say to you privately, "I wish I hadn't done that."

Privately?  This is a public forum!

Self Help Radio's private show airs tonight (or tomorrow morning) from midnight to 3am on 90.7 fm KBOO in Portland.  Online everywhere at kboo.fm as well.  You may want to listen in private.  Although.  I think that's how one listens to radio anyway.

Preface To A Private Show: A Private Person?

When I was younger, I wasn't a terribly private person.  In the 90s I found myself in a Usenet group & posted enough that, when they did a "who's who" of regular posters, my name was there & I was labeled a "confessionalist."

Part of me thinks it's because of my mother.  My mother was an inveterate liar, but it's not entirely clear if she lied to protect herself or to promote herself.  Almost certainly she lied enough to start to believe the lies she told.  At the end of her life, she'd recall some story in as close to a way that she could to be somewhat truthful & also make herself the hero.  I spent a lot of times telling her, That's not the way it happened.  She would say, No?  & then tell the same story to me a few weeks later.

But more than that, my mother loved to reveal things about herself that were just embarrassing.  Maybe not entirely embarrassing to her, but they didn't necessarily speak too well of her.  For example, as she got older, it became difficult for her to cut her own toenails.  That in & of itself is a weird thing to want to tell anybody.  My mother would tell me that, & then inform me how lucky she was that she had my sister to cut them for her.

Who's more pitiable in that story?  My mother?  Or my sister?

She must have been doing this her entire life, & I must have noticed it, because I told people some incredibly personal things when I was young.  It would be a terrible idea now to give examples; you'll have to take my word for it.  By the time I made it into college, I suppose I had become more reserved, but somehow the internet brought that awful side of me back.  Although I do imagine I stopped doing that once I was labeled a "confessionalist."  That stung.  My last posts on the group were my awful poetry.

As for oversharing: I can't be entirely sure if I saw the sneaky reasons why my mother would do that.  By appearing to be somewhat open, revealing perhaps some personal issue, she might convince you that she was actually an honest person.  & you might ask, "If she told me this thing about her ailments, why would she lie to me about other things?"

Was that something I had absorbed & was employing for my own sake?  I wish I knew.

What's true is that I'll probably talk to anyone about anything if they just ask.  But if they don't ask, these days, I am not going to be forthcoming.  I don't tell people when I feel wronged or hurt, I don't air my insecurities or jealousies, I don't offer unsolicited criticism.  In that sense I feel like I am a much more private person than I used to be.  Than I ever really was.

Photographs Of Places I've Lived # 19: Southbend Dr

(image from Google Maps.)

At some point in the fall of 2010, my wife began looking for houses to buy.  She did it without telling me that's what she was doing, because we had agreed to stay in the rental for a couple of years before looking.  What if we didn't like Lexington?  What if she was offered or found a job somewhere else?  She didn't tell me because she didn't want to argue with me & also because it was her money anyway.

She took me to this house & I was unimpressed.  She didn't care.  To this day she will ask me as a courtesy about what I think about things but I know it doesn't matter.  The house seemed cluttered inside, but she had a vision.  She knocked the walls out of the dining room so you walked into a spacious living space.  It had a small sun room in the back that the animals loved.  It was a bit too big - four bedrooms & two + 1/2 baths.  The half bath is where we kept the litter box.  The rooms were basically for storage, except the guest room which was sometime used.  But we had very few guests in Kentucky.  It's not a destination many people come to, & we discovered that the folks we thought were our friends didn't really like us enough to come visit us.

It was a gorgeous place, & I loved living there.  The house, I mean.  I met some wonderful folks in Lexington & I came to think the radio station, WRFL, was a sacred space.  I worked very hard to make RFL more accessible to students & also to community members.  I was able to help change the music department there & also helped with some policies.  & I loved doing Self Help Radio at that station.

But I kept saying to myself, "I don't want to die in Kentucky."  My wife & I often think if we'd ended up in Louisville or in Cincinnati, we might have stayed in that part of the world.  But Lexington was a bit too circumscribed for us.  It wasn't a dying small town like Huntington was, & it was a college town, which is always a good thing.  But as I looked for pictures of the house on my computer - it seems I never took a picture of the front of the place I lived, as I couldn't find one - I was reminded of how tiny my life was.  We still had to drive to Louisville or Cincinnati or Columbus to see most touring bands - they simply didn't find their way to Lexington.  There wasn't a vegetarian restaurant when we lived there, & no Ethiopian cuisine either.  We made do, though.  I was already learning to cook.  & our semi-regular trips to the Costco in Louisville (forty-five minutes to the west) ended when Costco opened in town.

My dog George died in that house.  (You can read my tribute to him here on this blog.)  We adopted Pauline the day after George died, & she grew up in this house.  (Here's a post where you can see a video of her playing in our backyard with Winston - when she was smaller than him.)  We adopted our sweet cat Boone when we lived here - in the neighborhood.  (That story is on the blog too.)  My sister Pat died while we lived in Lexington, & we brought home her dog Yoko to join our pack.  (I wrote about my sister & adopting Yoko also on this blog.)  There was a point where it was me, my wife, four dogs, & four cats.  & the house was big enough.  We joked about adopting more, but we both knew we weren't going to be in Kentucky forever.

Man, I miss that house.  It would turn out to be only my third favorite house - so far - & it suffered from being a bit too big - & also from being in Kentucky.  That house here in Portland would still be kind of big - but also just fine.

Not the yard though.  Holy shit not that yard.  It took me two days to mow that fucker.  God I hated that yard.  I loved it because the dogs loved it but I hated it when I mowed it.  How fortunate the Google mappers took their picture when it was freshly mowed!

The day we left, in August 2016, I remember having a look around from the front door, then closing & locking that door for the last time.  I didn't feel too terribly sad.  I believe we lived there for a little over five years, which is either tied for the longest I've ever lived in a place, or is actually the longest.  It was a good house.  We had great neighbors.  I loved living there, I really did.  But I'm very glad I'm not still living there.

Such feelings, so complicated & contradictory.

The Films Of 1985 (Chuck Style)

Hey!  In case you were listening to this past week's Self Help Radio (it was the favorites of 1985 show), but didn't really understand why in the middle of each set there was a sample from a movie & a fellow talking about that movie, it's because that was the show's resident cinephile Chuck talking about his favorite films of 1985.  Ya silly.

But you say it went by too fast!  & you wanted to learn more about those movies!  Like - what were the movies?

They were: Brazil, Day Of The Dead, Re-Animator, The Return Of The Living Dead, Static, Better Off Dead, The Goonies, & Pee-wee's Big Adventure.

How can I find out more about the movies + others from 1985?  There are several ways to do so:

Check out Chuck's Twitter feed!
Watch full movies from 1985 on YouTube!
You can also watch trailers for 1985 movies on YouTube!
There are movies from 1985 on IMDb TV!
& finally here are Chuck's movies on Letterboxd tagged for the show!

Okay then.  We'll be returning to 1985 in the summer, so maybe you can take the time to get up to speed.  Ya silly.

Self Help Radio 011921: 1985

(All images from Discogs.)

Here it is.  The seventeenth (!) installment of the show I do on my birthday week.  Lots of music from 1985 that I love dearly.  Whenever I do one of these shows, I think to myself, "I bet I could do a radio show for an entire year just focused on one particular year, & it wouldn't exhaust the great stuff released then."  This becomes more apparent as I get to the years when I was actively looking for & acquiring new music - something I've been doing since 1985, basically.  Which is why I am going to continue with 1985 in six months.  There is so much more to share!

Much thanks to our resident cinephile Chuck who took the time to share with us his favorite eight films from 1985.  His commentary is spread throughout the show.  The rest is me talking & lots of music.

Listen now at the Self Help Radio website.  Remember you'll need a username & a password, which are SHR & selfhelpradio.  What I played is below.  Feel free to share your favorites of the year!

Self Help Radio 1985 Show

"When The Going Is Smooth & Good" William Onyeabor _Anything You Sow_

"The World Turned Upside Down" Billy Bragg _Between The Wars_

"The People's Limousine" The Coward Brothers _The People's Limousine_

"I Want The One I Can't Have" The Smiths _Meat Is Murder_

"Go Out & Get 'Em, Boy!" The Wedding Present _Go Out & Get 'Em Boy!_

"Well Well Well" The Woodentops _Well Well Well_

"Hounds Of Love" Kate Bush _Hounds Of Love_

"Primitive Painters" Felt _Ignite The Seven Cannons & Set Sail For The Sun_

"Spoilt Victorian Child" The Fall _This Nation's Saving Grace_

"Edie" The Adult Net _Edie_

"Throne Of Agony" Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel _Nail_

"My Wife & My Dead Wife (Live)" Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians _Gotta Let This Hen Out!_

"The UFO Man" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Rockin' & Romance_

"In Between Days" The Cure _The Head On The Door_

"Bring On The Dancing Horses" Echo & The Bunnymen _Songs To Learn & Sing_

"Never Surrender" Chin-Chin _Sound Of The Westway_

"Dirty Old Town" The Pogues _Rum Sodomy & The Lash_

"Downtown Train" Tom Waits _Rain Dogs_

"Malaria" Shriekback _Oil & Gold_

"Singing Rule Britannia (While The Walls Close In)" The Chameleons _What Does Anything Mean? Basically_

"Melonella" Cocteau Twins _Echoes In A Shallow Bay_

"Death Valley '69" Sonic Youth _Bad Moon Rising_

"Books About UFOs" Hüsker Dü _New Day Rising_

"Fish (Doghouse Version)" Throwing Muses _In A Doghouse_

"Why I Love Country Music" Lloyd Cole & The Commotions _Easy Pieces_

"All Fall Down" Primal Scream _All Fall Down_

"I'm Alright With You" The Pastels _I'm Alright With You_

"Haunted When The Minutes Drag" Love & Rockets _Seventh Dream Of Teenage Heaven_

"The Hardest Walk" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Psychocandy_

"Hollow Eyes" Red Lorry Yellow Lorry _Talk About The Weather_

"Avatar" Dead Can Dance _Spleen & Ideal_

"Life In A Northern Town" The Dream Academy _The Dream Academy_

"Stay Up Late" Talking Heads _Little Creatures_

"The Bottom Line" Big Audio Dynamite _This Is Big Audio Dynamite_

"The Whole Of The Moon" The Waterboys _This Is The Sea_

Whither 1985?

(image from here)

This is something I do every year: during my birthday week, I play songs from a year in the past.  & not just any year!  I started in 2003 (the first time my birthday rolled around during the show) with 1968, the year of my birth, & have gone up a year every year since then.  I have made it to 1985.  Which was (in my opinion) an amazing year for music.

Using the Rate Your Music website, I have gone through thousands of albums, singles, & EPs released that year.  I made long lists & spent the last week re-listening to many of those records to re-familiarize myself with them, to see if I still loved them as much as I once did (almost always the answer was hell yes), to decide what I might play on the show.  & a couple of things became obvious: one, there are too many songs to fit even a three-hour show; & two, I listened to a lot of musicians who were white & male.  Of course I did!  I was a lonely young white kid in a miserable suburb of Dallas in 1985.  I was naturally going to be drawn to songs designed for lonely white kids.

My half-assed solution is that I plan to revisit 1985 in six months.  The next show might not be my absolute top favorites, but certainly I think I can include great music I've discovered since my youth that is not quite as white & male as the stuff you'll hear tonight.

Tonight!  At midnight!  On 90.7 KBOO!  Online at kboo.fm!  Listen to the soundtrack of Gary's seventeenth year on the planet.  Sort of.  A lot of the music I would discover later.  But some of it I was actually listening to in 1985.  & like I said: I think it was a great year for music.

Preface To 1985: How Was My 17th Year?

So in 1985, I finished my eleventh grade year & I began my twelfth grade year.  I worked in the summer, I had a friend with whom I mostly hung out, I listened to a lot of music, & I read lots of books, comics, & whatever I could get my hands on.  I had virtually no idea about the future.  I hadn't thought about college - I had a sense I would be going, but hadn't made any plans.  No one at school talked to me or asked me about it - I don't think I ever spoke to a guidance counselor after ninth grade.  My family couldn't talk to me about it because none of them had any experience with college.  I feel like I lived in the moment almost by default, but I certainly wasn't seizing the day.  I was just kind of existing.  School, part-time job, fast food, sleep.  Every day.

The songs that I loved were all about love but I was very awkward around girls.  There was one person, a young lady named Cynthia, to whom I wrote notes constantly, & she wrote back, but mainly because she was friendly.  I don't think I found her attractive, & I don't think I really wanted to kiss her or anything, I simply wanted practice.  It was obvious she didn't want anything like that from me.  She laughed at most everything I said, mainly because she was very religious & very conservative, & I could say basic mainstream things & be outrageous.  I remember one time she asked me if I had a bible, & I said, "Sure.  It's in the fiction section of my library."  She found that funny & horrifying at the same time.

A class that became important to me was AP History.  The teacher tended to cultivate personal relationships with his students - not in a weird way - he thought of himself as a mentor - & he was also the faculty sponsor for the Whiz Quiz high school team I was on.  He would encourage us to keep our things in his room, so most of twelfth grade I didn't really use my locker.  I guess I thought it was some kind of status, & I took to coming to school before 7:30am to avoid the teachers who wouldn't let students wander the halls before class - they would make the students gather outside closed doors before 8am, & let them in like for a concert, a concert no one wanted to go to.  I could sit in the hall before the teacher arrived.  & then sit in his classroom before first period.  A couple of other students did it too, & we became friends of a sort.  I suppose I thought we'd be friends longer, but we mostly lost touch after high school.

It was in AP History that I first fell in love for reals.  Her name was Laura - it probably still is, but I of course haven't seen her in decades.  I actually asked her out once, I took her to see a play, but she thought of it as a "just friends" thing.  My heart was quite broken after I dropped her off.  I went to where my friend worked at the Mobil gas station & just slept in my car, more depressed & forlorn than I had ever felt.  I simply had no idea what the right thing to do was, how to go about it, or even how to read basic signs.  I suppose she thought I was nice.  From my current vantage point at the precipice of 53 years, I don't know where I got the courage or bravery to even try.

Most of my high school stories are not fun stories.  I might have been a bit arrogant - I was the asshole in the class who got the perfect score on the test & ruined the curve.  I certainly felt superior to everyone despite being secretly envious.  Why them & not me?  I read books about looking inward but never quite examined myself.  My mother had this way of making you do things with her moods & with strange, awkward compliments which I think she learned from her mother.  I too would toss in words of self-pity, unthinkingly, as a learned behavior, which for the first time people called me out for doing.  One high school friend didn't talk to me for months because she felt I was somehow manipulating her.  My lack of self-awareness made me think she was in the wrong, not me.

But I don't necessarily think of my seventeenth year as a dark time.  I was surrounding myself with things I loved, I was seeing more movies, I was reading lots, I was finding new music.  I was finding out what I liked, something that really takes a while, & needs cultivating.  The person with whom I spent the most time, my "best friend," would have gladly been anywhere else if someone else had only asked, but we did drive around Dallas listening to music, going to record stores & book stores, sometimes well into the night.  I came to know the city better.

The truth is, it was neither as hard as I thought it was, nor as easy.  I was woefully ill-equipped for looming adulthood, & I had no one to help me, & would have rejected anyone's help if it had been offered.  My lessons were in the works of creation I loved.  & I tried to join in: I actually wrote a book in that year.  (It wasn't that long, maybe 200 handwritten pages.)  I remember almost nothing about it, & it's in a box somewhere, but I wrote it in pencil, so it's almost certainly faded.  I do recall I was very proud of myself, & the friend I mentioned above, the one who called me manipulative, she asked to read it.  My "best friend" never offered to.

& she read it!  When she handed it back to me, I remember this as if I were there at this moment, & I asked, "What did you think?"  She looked kind of puzzled & said, "It's terrible, isn't it?"  As if that were something I already knew.

My reaction was swift.  I took it back from her, I stormed away, & I honestly never looked at it again.  It seems I was not going to be good at taking any kind of criticism for my writing in my life.

Though that really happened, it also feels like a metaphor for the person I was at seventeen.  Confident enough to take the time to write a novel, but unable to have a friend dislike it, & willing to just reject it outright once the slightest negativity came my way.  How many other things did I abandon & give up when there were signs it wouldn't be celebrated & embraced immediately?