Self Help Radio 041114: Breath

A show about breath!  It has left me short of breath!  I fear I've been wasting my breath!  Don't hold your breath or mutter things under your breath!  Help me catch my breath!  In the same breath I want to save my breath.  Or should I bate it?

Here you go, breathless one: a new show at Self Help Radio web central.  Or, if you prefer, individual halves of the show: half one & half two.  Breathy songs are below.

As always, you're a breath of fresh air!

(part one)

"Breath" Tall Dwarfs _Weeville_
"Every Breath I Take" Gene Pitney _Phil Spector: Back To Mono_
"Save Your Breath" The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir _...And The Horse You Rode In On_
"Take Your Breath Away" Prince Edward Island _This Day Is A Good Enough Day_

"Lose My Breath" My Bloody Valentine _Isn't Anything_
"The Last Breath Of Summer" Peter Himmelman _This Father's Day_
"Breath Control" Boogie Down Productions _Ghetto Music: The Blueprint Of Hip Hop_
"Cigarette Breath" Shinehead _The Real Rock_

"Baby's Breath" Bill Callahan _Apocalypse_

(part two)

"Onion Breath Baby" Elroy Peace _Onion Breath Baby_
"Dog Breath, In The Year Of The Plague" Frank Zappa _Uncle Meat_
"Out Of Breath" Ronnie Whitehead _Eccentric Soul: Mighty Mike Lenaburg_

"Every Breath You Take" The Swirlies _Damon Andy Rob Ron: The Yes Girls_
"Candy Breath" Honeybunch _Time Trials: 1987-1995_
"Catch Another Breath" Choo Choo Train _Briar High_
"Bated Breath" The Room _No Dream (Best Of)_
"One Breath" Anna Calvi _One Breath_

"Breathless" X _More Fun In The New World_
"Breathless" Momus _Timelord_

Whither Breath?

Has anyone ever written a poem in which all the lines rhyme because it's the same word?  I wanted to write a trifling little piece of doggerel about "breath" but there aren't many words that rhyme perfectly with breath: death, meth, Beth & Seth are the only ones I can think of.  The others are "near-rhymes" like "breast," relying on rhyming of the internal vowel sounds rather than the ending sounds (is that assonance?).

Anyway, I wrote a poem about breath that just rhymed breath with breath all the way through.  It went like this:

Because I could not stop for breath
I had to go & shop for breath.
Said she, "I see you're spilling breath."
Said I, "Better than killing breath."
Said she, "You should perhaps change your breath."
Such statements can derange your breath!
Still I worried about my breath.
Could I do without my breath?
I think I'll have to mint my breath.
A sweet taste just to tint my breath.
But what if I can't fix my breath?
Find something with which to mix my breath?
Seriously, what goes good with breath?
Like fire goes with wood, with breath?
I don't want chewing gummy breath.
I don't want Jamaican rummy breath.
I don't want super cheesy breath,
Lemon squeezy easy-peasy breath.
Since I can't have nothing breath,
I need to work on bluffing breath.
Said she, "You think too much of breath.
I even think that you love breath!"
Said I, "Until you tasted my breath,
I would have said I wasted my breath."
Said she, "Come here!" & took my breath
& with her lips she shook my breath.

I understand that I made the phrases all rhyme, not just the last words.  I couldn't help myself.

The first line is of course an Emily Dickinson riff.  I couldn't help myself there, either.

Preface To Breath: Sad Reflections On Childhood

Do you remember when suddenly it became a big deal whether your breath smelled bad or not?  Did it have something to do with puberty?

I remember my sixth grade Social Studies teacher, Mr. Schwartz, was the first "close talker" I ever met. He would almost pull me to him to let me know something in confidence.  (Why he needed to confide in a twelve year old is another story.)  Mr. Schwartz's main problem was that he was most probably a three-pack-a-day smoker.  In those days, teachers would disappear in-between classes to puff down an entire cigarette in a five minute period.  & even though virtually every member of my family at that time smoked, I was astonished when he would come close to me, talk in low tones, & his breath smelled as bad as his teeth were yellow.

Being an ugly & fat child, I didn't get to play the boy-girl games of puberty & anyway I did my best to keep myself inconspicuous & out of trouble.  But I think it was some time in eighth grade when someone spat out that damning word for the first time in my life: halitosis.  It's a word that sounds as bad as it is.  It was probably in my Home Economics class (a class I took because at the end of the school year you learned how to make a pizza) when some of the more popular guys I sat next to complained of some dude who had halitosis.  They had discovered this fact not because they themselves noticed, but because a girl had complained about it when she kissed him.

I knew at that point I would never ever never kiss a girl.

Whether or not I myself had bad breath I couldn't say.  I didn't have cigarette breath, that was true.  But at the time I definitely didn't have terribly good dental hygiene, which is the easiest way to guarantee decent-smelling breath.  In my favor, however, was the fact that my family ate bland, white European food, with the most daring spice being salt, so I didn't smell of garlic or curry or anything like that.  But I drank a lot of soda, & ate a lot of crap junk food.  Chances are, I didn't have breath that smelled of posies.

None of it mattered, of course - I didn't have friends with whom I whispered all the time, & when I was finally able to communicate with the opposite sex, I would be talking to girls who weren't quite as shallow as the boys in my Home Ec class.

What they - or the boys in middle school, or even my friends - said about my breath behind my back is another thing entirely, & something I am not privy to.

Sympathy For The Dribble

Things are a little sad in Lexington to-day - the college basketball team, which was poised to win the college basketball championship, lost to another team.  "Second place isn't so bad" doesn't heal the hurt feelings of people whose happiness & pride had been tied up in a sports team for an exciting season.  People I know who are at the school were saying things on Facebook like, "I'm so proud of my school!"

On a dog walk during a play-off game, with the streets quiet & near-deserted, the wife told me she didn't understand sports fans.  She said, "I can understand wanting to play sports, but watching them?"  She assumed that they knew what she does, that the spectators are not in any way responsible for how the games turn out, & that the coaches & administration & players reap all the rewards.

I grew up in a family that loved sports, & was a child when the Dallas Cowboys won a couple or three Super Bowl victories in the late 1970s.  Even in those days, however, I didn't feel much of a connection to the athletes on the television.  When once I praised what I thought was an outstanding play, but one the other team had made, I was almost struck by one of my brothers.  Rooting for the other team was apostasy.  & I remember how frustrated & sad they would be when their team lost.

In Huntington, one time, a kid at WMUL was talking about the Marshall team taking on their rivals at the University of West Virginia.  "If they beat us," he told me, "I'll kill myself."

I understand how thrilling sports are, & I also understand it's a human tendency to take sides.  (Recently, I read an internet forum about "Marvel" vs "DC" movies.)  I know I tend to take things like the recent Supreme Court ruling as a "loss" to my team (people who want everyone in the United States to be healthy, well-fed, happy, & safe) & a "win" for the 1% who already control way too much.

It's in our nature.  So I sympathize, a little, with the "losers" who had no real stake in the game, who now feel as though they've been dealt a major blow in life, like discovering they have a medical condition, or they've lost a great deal of money.  (Well, the gamblers out there who are also school partisans may actually have.)  It doesn't make me care any more about the actual sport, & it certainly doesn't change my opinion that there's too much money in college sports & far too little in the liberal arts.  But I hope my friends who are feeling a little crushed today feel better soon.  "It's just a ball game," is no consolation, because, to them, it isn't.

Maybe next year?

Movie Review?

This blog features virtually no reviews of music.  It has some comments I felt like making after some musicians or artists who meant a lot to me died, but not really any "reviews" per se.

I've written hundreds of reviews of records for the various radio stations I've been at.  I never felt any of them were worth printing.  My favorite reviews, actually, were for things that weren't very good, or for things that I didn't have much to say about, so I would take the opportunity to write something dumb.  For example, there was a band whose name was the same name as one of my middle school teachers, so the review began like this:

My eighth grade English teacher was named [band name].  I kind of liked her, but everyone else thought she was a servant of the devil because she held us to high school standards.  She was small but stern, & obviously loved the stuff she taught us.  She introduced me to Poe!  Anyway, this band – which is two brothers – has nothing to do with that.  

This doesn't help you understand the band at all, so I do describe their sound & what tracks I like.  It's standard stuff for a radio review, which (usually) isn't meant to be read by anyone but a deejay thinking about playing a song on the air.

Which is not to say that I don't appreciate criticism.  I love to read what people think about stuff.  I don't agree with probably most of it, but I don't mind it.  Sometimes someone else's opinion reinforces my own - or, better yet, makes me think more deeply about what I believe or think.  For some people, however, criticism can seem to be a writer showing off his/her style, or it may just be a bad argument, someone trying to change your opinion, & that can be irksome.

But I was thinking of writing a review of a movie I recently saw, for no other reason than I just saw it.  Occasionally I write a review of something on the Internet Movie Database - very occasionally, actually - I recently wrote something for the first time in seven years - but I am rarely moved to comment on a movie in the same way lots of people are & do.  (You can read my handful of reviews here, if you'd like.  None is essential.)

& then I started thinking, this morning, how much more I enjoyed the Game Of Thrones season four premiere far more than the movie.  There were a few dull, expository stretches through the movie - but all the dialogue (& it was a talky premiere) in the television show seemed essential.

& what is the point, anyway?  If you like some of the music I like, you'll like some of the shows I've put together.  An album review or a movie review or a television review won't make much of a difference.  Will it?  How could it?

Self Help Radio 040414: The Way Out Show

Self Help Radio this week is way out!  It's way out in Kentucky.  Way out on a planet called Earth in the outskirts of the Milky Way Galaxy.  & it's got no way out.

But there are doubtless way out songs on the show you might enjoy.  You can listen to it here: Self Help Radio website.  Or you can listen to it directly here: part one & then also part two.  Way down below here is the list of songs I played.

Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Way Out Willie" Mickey Hawks _Bip Bop Boom_
"She's Too Way Out" Tony Dangerfield & The Thrills _Freakbeat Freakout_
"Way Out Love" The Four Pennies _Trouble Is My Middle Name_
"Way Way Out" The Girls _New Rubble, Vol. 5: Scratch My Back_

"We've Got A Way Out Love" The Originals _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 9: 1969_
"Hey Little Way Out Girl" The Construction _The Wigan Casino Story Continues_
"Way Out Love" The Isley Brothers _Between The Sheets_
"Way Out" Yeah Yeah Yeahs _Show Your Bones_
"Way Out" April March & Steve Hanft _Magic Monsters_

"When There's No Way Out" Guitar Slim _Atco Sessions_
"No Way Out" Joyce Harris & The Daylighters _The Domino Records Story_
"No Way Out" Clarence Reid _Eccentric Soul: The Outskirts Of Deep City_

(part two)

"No Way Out" The Chocolate Watchband _Love Is The Song We Sing (San Francisco Nuggets 1965-1970)_
"No Way Out" Thee Headcoats _Heavens To Murgatroyd, Even! It's Thee Headcoats! (Already)_
"No Way Out" The Legends _Up Against The Legends_
"No Way Out Of Time" Robyn Hitchcock _Spooked_

"Way Out There" Chuck & Bill (The Kentuckians) _Oh Boy! The Brunswick Story_
"That's Your Way Out" The Pandoras _It's About Time_
"The Old Way Out" The Go-Betweens _Spring Hill Fair_
"Way Out Of Reach" The Manhattan Love Suicides _Burnt Out Landscapes_
"Way Out" Bass Drum Of Death _Bass Drum Of Death_
"I Found A Way Out" Bill Cosby _Talks To Kids About Drugs_

"Way Out West" Big Star _Radio City_
"Way Out West" Angel Corpus Christi _The 80's_
"Way Out" The La's _Callin' All_

Whither The Way Out Show?

Holy crap, I'm at this point where I don't really know what I can talk about during a show in which the theme is "way out"!

Why do you have to talk about anything?  Why not just let the music speak for itself?

Damn it!  It's me in italics!

Howdy.

You go away.  You're never helpful.  You pretend to be a more laid-back version of me but your ideas are stupid.

Oh, dude, that's harsh.

Let's take for example that last one: "let the music speak for itself."  It does.  I don't have a problem with that.  But I don't usually talk about the music I play.  I talk about the themes.

Wow, I guess I didn't know that.

You didn't know that?  You're ME for fuck's sake!

I don't listen to your show, though.  I tried once.  It was kinda boring.

Arrgh!

Wait.  Did you really just write "Arrgh"?

Yeah, it's a noise I make in frustration.

But you didn't actually say it, did you?

No, of course not.  Because I'm writing on a computer screen.  Anyway, when someone is talking to themselves, they usually don't make noises unless they want passers-by to think they're crazy-pants.

Writing "arrgh" is like the 20th century way of texting "LOL."

I hate you.

I know!

Preface To The Way Out Show: Frames Of Reference

I might have explained the way I find themes to explore on the show, before, on this blog.  But I will repeat myself.  It's not an interesting or mysterious or inspired process, but it is a process.  I think of something, usually at random moments, & I create a folder on my computer with the name of the theme & then start to fill it in.

A friend calls this "letting the universe talk to you."  I don't believe that coincidences mean anything, but if I am listening to three records in a row, & they all have songs about soap on them, my brain will tell me, "You should do a show about soap."  So I'll create the folder & let my brain work on it in the background.

At some point I decide there's enough songs to do a show.  I take a little more time to do more direct searching for songs, but the bulk of the show is already there.

Sometimes it takes years to get a theme covered.  In my "folder of themes" (which for some reason is labeled "extras" on my computer), I have folders that go back to 2008.  This is true!  Some ideas don't get much exploration.  They just lie there.

In any event, coincidences happen, & although I have left WRFL, I am still aware of the show schedule, & since last fall there's a show called "The Way Out" on the station.  It wouldn't bother me if that show's name (not necessarily its content) inspired this week's show, but I am here to say, it didn't.  The "way out show" folder was created in 2012, when Matt, the show's host, was still doing "Burning Sensations."

I toyed with the idea of contacting him to see if he wanted to record a disclaimer for me ("The program The Way Out is not involved with nor endorses the program Self Help Radio"), but I didn't want to bother him.  I can only say that he does a fine show, & it's on Thursdays at 2pm at wrfl.fm or 88.1 fm in Lexington.

I hope he doesn't think my show is a comment or rip-off on his!

Combatting Sunrise With Hate

This is true: I had an argument last night with someone in a dream in which we were talking about the New Testament's attitude toward homosexuality.  It wasn't even someone who was a friend, or is a Christian, or a homophobe - it was an old acquaintance's wife.  It was in a suite of apartments in which I have never lived but in the dream was my home.  My brain did this wonderful thing it does which confronted with the request for information it did not have: it didn't let me get to my computer to access that information.  I think my brain is clever to do that.

This is also true: The wife got a cable phone for us, but no one knows the number.  That doesn't keep it from ringing several times a day.  At least twice I've received calls from the Kentucky Prison System or whatever it's called.  It asks me to press one to accept the call & to press another key for more information.  There does not appear to be a number to refuse the call.  I don't want want to be rude but I also don't want to waste an inmate's time, so I just hang up.  Then I have the feeling I've broken someone's heart.

This is not true: I am a six foot tall dragonfly who has forgotten how to fly.  But I have not forgotten how to be a dragon.  It's difficult to get my jittery damn wings through doorways so now, out of frustration, I just breathe fire on them & burn my way through.  This has caused me to destroy my own home & also I am not invited to anyone else's houses anymore.  The novelty of having a friend who is a six foot tall dragonfly is made negligible by the property damage I inflict with my awkwardness & impatience (also, fire).  This in turn has caused me to plunge into deep despair but has not, alas, resulted in any real soul-searching or attempts to improve my character.

Five Inches Of Hair

"Is that all it will take?" I asked.  "Yes," he said.  "Just five inches of hair."

He had shifty eyes.  Night shifty eyes.  More comfortable with cold, uncomfortable fluorescent light.

"That's not a lot of hair," I said.  "It's enough," he said.

I looked around his office.  The place was untidy, like a teenager's room.  It smelled of coffee stains & unfinished tuna salad sandwiches.

"What're you looking for?" he asked.  "A ruler," I said.  "If you don't have a ruler - or a tape measure - there's no way to know if it's exactly five inches of hair."

Being exact was important to me at that time in my life.  It was a kind of mental punctuality.

"An inch is about as big the length from knuckle to tip of the average finger," he said, pointing one finger at me & using another (from the other hand) to demonstrate.

I hadn't looked at his hands yet, & now I wish I hadn't.  They looked like they'd been broken at least twice in the past, & repaired by an arthritic doctor.

"I guess that's fair," I conceded, pushing his hand out of my way.  "Five inches of hair is fair."

He clapped his malformed hands together & it made a pathetic noise.  He was happy, & I saw him reach into a desk drawer & remove a pair of scissors that could have doubled as shears.

"No, no," I said.  "Not now!"  "Not now?" he repeated as a question.

I made strange gestures over my head that I initially thought might be self-explanatory, but instead looked like I was trying to clumsily mimic a fashionable dance popular with trendy commercial music.

"I'll need to grow it first!" I finally explained.

Self Help Radio 032814: Ants

Ants! Ants everywhere! Where the hell did all these ants come from? Holy crap I'm covered in ants!

Save me from all these ants!  Listen to this show at the Ant Help Radio website!  Or you can listen to directly by clicking the two parts: part one covered in ants! or part two in the anthill!  All the ant songs are being carried away by a line of ants below!

Ants! Ants! Ants!

(part one)

"Army Ants In Your Pants" Bruce Haack _Listen Compute Rock Home: The Best Of Dimension 5_
"The Ant & The Grasshopper" Leon Rosselson & Roy Bailey _That's Not The Way It's Got To Be_
"Il Grillo E La Formica (The Ant & The Cricket)" Unidentified _The Italian Treasury: Abruzzo_

"Ants In My Pants" Bo Carter _Them Dirty Blues_
"I Can't Dance (I Got Ants In My Pants) (Louis Jordan, vocals)" Clarence Williams & His Washboard Orchestra _1933-1934_
"Make Me Dance, Little Ant" Joe Hughes & His Orchestra _I Dreamed I Was Elvis_
"I Got Ants In My Pants, Part 1 (Reverb Version)" James Brown _The Singles, Volume 8: 1972-1973_
"Idiosyncratic Ant Blues" Pagiins _Good Things Take Time EP_

"High Hopes" Frank Sinatra _The Complete Capitol Singles Collection_
"Ant Music" OK Go _Get Over It_
"Ants Invasion" Adam & The Ants _Kings Of The Wild Frontier_
"Red Ant" Smack Dab _Majestic Root_

(part two)

"Ant Corridor" Robyn Hitchcock _Luxor_
"Ant" They Might Be Giants _Indestructible Object EP_
"Exploding Anthills" Boston Spaceships _Zero To 99_

"Ant Man Bee" Captain Beefheart _Trout Mask Replica_
"Ants" Stephen Wright _I Have A Pony_
"200 Million Red Ants" The Majamood _Circus Days Vol. 6_
"Raft Ants" Wire _Read & Burn 2_
"Ants In My Hands" Modey Lemon _Thunder + Lightning_

"Ant Farm" Eels _Electro-Shock Blues_
"Hopi Ants" Lida Husik _The Return Of Red Emma_
"Mister Ant" Psapp _The Camel's Back_
"Ants On A Log" Randy Travis _Full Circle_

Whither Ants?

Radio shows about insects prove immensely popular with entomologists everywhere, who make up roughly 0.005% of the listening population.  This difficult demographic can only be made happy by songs about insects.  Therefore, the United States Radio Commission For Radio requires people who make radio type shows to occasionally cater to the demands of entomologists &/or weirdos who enjoy insects.  This is what Self Help Radio is doing this week.

We'll return to non-ant programming next week.

New Sponsor!

I'm very proud to announce that Self Help Radio has a new sponsor for this week's show.  It's Ant Monthly, the number one magazine about ants in North America.  We're glad to have them aboard!

There Is A Rant & It Never Comes Out

I am not one for complaining about a lot of stuff - except for snow!  It's snowing today!  It's sunny for a second & then it's snowing today!  What the hell? - but I have a rant building up & I'm wondering if it's possibly going to explode all over this blog at some point.

But I don't know if I rant too effectively these days.  I used to be better at it when I was younger - people would describe my airbreaks on KVRX as "rants" - but nowadays I feel weird expressing my own opinion in that manner.  One, I don't think anyone cares; & b, I confess I worry about offending people, which leads me to, who the hell am I & what right do I have to express an opinion (angry or otherwise) about anything?  Isn't it bad enough that people have let me on the radio?

But seriously, SNOW?

That's not what I want to rant about, or discuss, or whatever.  It's just weird.  It's not sticking - it's above freezing - but it is snowing, which is weird, because it's not spring anymore.  Or is it?

That's what I thought.  Here's a picture from downtown Lexington today:

Damn it!

Ant Obsession

This week's show is about ants.  From time-to-time I wish, instead of doing my show, I could just say, "Here's someone doing something better than I ever could, please watch/listen/experience this instead."

In the fourth season (or series) of Monty Python, there's an episode called Michael Ellis, which is fixated with ants.  It's a must-see - & here's an example why: Romantic poets writing about ants:



(Sorry about the Spanish subtitles.)

Self Help Radio 032114: Cheap

Egads! The date is wrong! This show should have happened yesterday! But that's what it gets for being so cheap.

Please enjoy another shoddily put-together Self Help Radio, now available at the Self Help Radio website or directly (it's in two parts) here for part one & here for part two.  A cheap list of cheap songs is below.

Thanks for listening, cheapskates!

(part one)

"Cheap" Seasick Steve & The Level Devils _Cheap_
"All About Cheap" The Homosexuals _Astral Glamour_
"Talk Is Cheap" Heavy D & The Boyz _Blue Funk_

"Cheap Thrills" Frank Zappa _Cruising With Ruben & The Jets_
"Cheap Tragedies" Avengers _Avengers_
"Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" Hayseed Dixie _A Hillbilly Tribute To AC/DC_
"Cheap Lovin'" Barbara Randolph _Lee Hazlewood Industries: There's A Dream I've Been Saving (1966-1971)_
"Talk Is Cheap" Sandy Gaye _Eccentric Soul: The Tragar & Note Labels_

"Paranoia Man In Cheap Shit Room" The Fall _The Infotainment Scan_
"Cheap Beer" Fidlar _Fidlar_
"Junior's Little Sister's Dropped Ta Cheap" Alan Vega _New Raceion_
"Cheap Little Bitch" Raymond & Peter _Shut Up Little Man!_

(part two)

"Born To Be Cheap" Divine _Born To Be Cheap 7"_
"Too Cheap, Cheap" Los Brincos _Mundo, Demonio Y Carne_
"Don't Play Me Cheap" Louis Armstrong _The Complete RCA Victor Recordings_

"Money's Getting Cheaper" Johnny Moore's Three Blazers _Charles Brown 1947-1948_
"Cheaper's Discount Store" Bob & Ray _Bob & Ray's Classics: Volume 1_
"Cheapskate" The Clash _Give 'Em Enough Rope_
"Cheap New-Age Fix" Julian Cope _Interpreter_
"Welcome To The Cheap Seats" The Wonder Stuff _Never Loved Elvis_

"Cheap Like Sebastien" Apostle Of Hustle _National Anthem Of Nowhere_
"Cheap Cuts" Liquorice _Listening Cap_
"Cheap & Vulgar" The Styrenes _It's Still Artastic_
"Cheap Local Talent" Battery Boys _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_
"Cheap Music" Handsome Furs _Sound Kapital_

Whither Cheap?

I live with possibly the cheapest person alive.  She grew up in an upper middle class household, & her father is "rich" in a sense that I will never understand.  Once, we ate with him at a terrible Chinese restaurant (why?) on the San Antonio Riverwalk.  The bill was nearly a hundred bucks.  He left a dollar tip.

The service wasn't bad - but he just didn't tip much.  I'm sure that's how he felt he stayed rich.

I grew up very poor, but not in poverty.  I didn't even know how poor we were, really - I was a dumb kid, & I spent a lot of time playing with Star Wars figures.  One day, some time in sixth or seventh grade, my mother asked me, "You're not ashamed that we're so poor, are you?"

Well, I wasn't, Mom - until then!

This Cracked article is pretty spot-on about the bad habits one gets when one grows up poor.  I watched my brothers be extravagant on payday & then hit people up for money the rest of the week.  I can be extremely generous myself, although I don't think I've gone too overboard.  But for my wife - who has kept her maiden name, Skinflint - it can be unbearable.  I often tease her about giving money away to charity - & it can enrage her.

She's getting better now.  She has actually been more free & easy with her money from time-to-time.  This show, then, is kind of a backhanded homage to her.

Sorry it's so late.  I hope it's up by noon tomorrow!

Preface To Cheap: Vegan/Vegetarian Restaurants In Asheville NC

They ain't cheap. But I am eating some damn good vegan food.

Eating at Plant now. Ate at Rosetta's Kitchen this morning. Had dinner at Laughing Seed Cafe. Too full, too full of good food.

Remember! No new Self Help Radio tomorrow! It'll happen Saturday!

Vacation

Does A Late Show Mean…?

That there won't be a lot of long blog posts this week?  Yeah.  It means that.

Maybe I'll post some pictures from the short vacation?

We'll have to wait & see.

Spring Broke

Ack! It snowed again here last night. It's so exhausting to wake in the morning, look out the window, & just see white. It's like living in a Dallas suburb.

We're getting away from here for a little while this week so I'll be out of town on Friday. But don't worry! (Okay, you weren't going to worry.) Self Help Radio will have a new episode on Saturday at noon. It's better than nothing! (Maybe nothing would be better?)

If you have a spring break this year, I hope it's somewhere where there's actually the possibility of spring!

Self Help Radio 031414: Melt

"I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world!"

Self Help Radio melts today, as hopefully all the ice & snow of this intolerably long winter have finally melted & will not bother us again until - well, with the way things are going, September - but let's hope it's over for now & the sun will warm us for a few more months.  The show therefore is an ode to the melting of the world that follows winter.  Or something.

Hey!  You can listen now & feel a little melty too!  It's up now at self help radio dot net!  You can also listen to the show directly from these here links: part one & part two.  Songs with low melting points are listed below.

Thanks for listening, solids!

(part one)

"Melt!" Siouxsie & The Banshees _A Kiss In The Dreamhouse_
"Melt" Guitar _Sunkissed_

"Melt Me" Lily & Maria _Lily & Maria_
"Melt Close" Section 25 _Always Now_
"Melt Against Yourself" Straightjacket Fits _Melt_
"Melt Away" Galaxie 500 _This Is Our Music_

"Summer's Melting My Mind" The Go-Betweens _78 'Til 79: The Lost Album_
"I Melt With You" The Rondelles _In Their Eyes: 90s Teen Bands Vs. 80s Teen Movies_

(part two)

"Melted Crayons" Fog _You Don't Know Ninja Cuts_
"Melting Arthur" Robyn Hitchcock _I Wanna Go Backwards_
"Let it Melt" The Mayfair Set _Young One EP_

"Melted Pat (live)" Guided By Voices _Hardcore UFOs: Live At The Wheelchair Races_
"Jennifer Meltdown" Ed Hines Band _Girls; Their Hearts_
"The Melting Wall" Golden Triangle _Double Jointer_
"Melted" Ty Segall _Melted_
"The Great American Melting Pot" Lori Lieberman _Schoolhouse Rock: America Rock_

"Ice Melts" Matt & Kim _Sidewalks_
"Ode To Janice Melt" Army Navy _The Last Place_
"Melting Ice" Ladytron _Gravity The Seducer_

Whither Melt?

Above is the Schoolhouse Rock video for "The Great American Melting Pot," a lovely ode to immigration & its role in populating America.  It's one of the songs I'll play on tomorrow's Self Help Radio, though I don't think I'll talk about it much.

I still love it, as I love much about Schoolhouse Rock, although this particular one has some troubling elements to think about once you grow older.  (Not as much, thankfully, as the one about manifest destiny.)  For one thing, the rosiness of the song is bittersweet when you take high school American history & learn about nativist movements (not to mention just watching the news today with regards to "illegals" from Mexico).  For another, it completely ignores two important groups (although one of them is mentioned in the "recipe" that Lady Liberty thumbs through during the chorus) & those are the enslaved Africans who didn't want to come here in the first place, & the natives who were already living on the North American continent, & who were killed to make room for the predominantly white Europeans who arrived.

That's a funny thing, isn't it - how children are taught almost-mythic history until the time they can presumably grasp more complicated subjects.  I am reminded about learning about World War I in middle school - we just glossed over it - but it baffled me.  The Germans, like in the easier-to-understand World War II, were the bad guys, but they weren't Nazis yet.  For example, though they sank the Lusitania, they did it because we were supplying their enemies.  I couldn't wrap my head around why America would go to war simply because an Archduke was assassinated a couple of years before.

Chances are, no one had yet been allowed to broach the subject of "imperialism."  Nowadays it's understood that World War I was a war between imperial powers, & America chose sides when it finally (against popular support, & breaking Wilson's campaign pledge) decided to join the fray.  Nothing good came out of it, & it directly led to Hitler coming to power.

I think it's the same thing with the Schoolhouse Rock video.  You want to make children believe that this America was a remarkable place that not only welcomed people looking to make a better life, but also that America regularly celebrated them.  Never mind how the Irish & Germans were treated in the mid-19th century, or the Italians & Russians in the late 19th century, or the Chinese pretty much all the time, or the Vietnamese in the late 1970s, or the Mexicans ever since I can remember.  That'll come later.

It's a lovely little myth that I wish everyone grew up with, because it's certainly colored how I've felt about immigration.  "What good ingredients, liberty & immigrants."  Lynn Ahrens wrote that, & it's a nice (almost) rhyming couplet.

My wife tells me it used to make her happy because the grandmother in the animation has a "Kiss Me, I'm Polish" button, & her parents & she are Polish.  That's the magic of the short - it made people who were already here proud of their country, & people who identified as the children of immigrants proud of their parents.

One of the Youtube comments says that children are now taught that America is less a "melting pot" than a "salad bowl."  I wonder if that's meant to help people preserve their own cultural identity, since the components of a salad are more readily identified singularly; things in a stew do tend to mush together.  I don't know.

Children don't like salads all that much, though.  It seems a metaphor that may have some problems.

SNOW.

It is snowing as I write this.  It's March 12 & it's snowing.  Winter officially ends in a week & it's snowing.  & it's not so bad here - glad I'm not in Chicago - but come on!

Here's a graphic that pretty much sums up my feelings about this overlong winter we've been having:

It's from the person who has this web site.  & she lives in Massachusetts.

I posted this to Facebook the other day:

(It was something I found on Tumblr, so I don't know who originally made it, sorry.)

A friend in Austin said, "Invert it for Texas."  It's true!  I don't know how it happened, but I went from a place where it's hot most of the time to a place where it's cold most of the time.  Is there not some place where there's a sensible winter AND a sensible summer?  It's maddening!

Oh, Tuesday

I kinda forgot about you.

My apologies.

No really, I mean it.

It was a lovely day.

You would have ignored me, too, if you had the chance.

Sorry.

Really.  I mean it.

Sorry!

Thank You!

Thanks to everyone who listened during Self Help Radio Week.  It's not every day an obscure show can declare its own week, & it was fun doing a show every day, but also not a little exhausting.  It will be with relief that I return to the one-show-a-week schedule.

As always - if there's a theme you explored on Self Help Radio, or you want to make suggestions for upcoming themes, you can visit Self Help Radio's website to see what's coming up & then write an email or even write something on the Facebook page.  Help yourself!

& again, much thanks.

(The image above was taken from this website.  It belongs to them.)

Self Help Radio 030714: Hope

Well, I hoped I'd get this show posted in time.  But I guess it'll have to be a few minutes late.  Hey!  Do you see what I did?  For the second time only - this was the first time - I've done an entire show with songs all entitled the show's theme.  So here you are!  A hopeful show with all twenty songs called "hope"!  (All the background music I play under my airbreaks are called "hope" too.)  What a way to end Self Help Radio week!

The show is of course on the Self Help Radio website, but there are direct links to each part: part one here & part two here.  The song list (all the songs are called "Hope"!) is below.

Thanks for spending Self Help Radio week with me!

(part one)

"Hope" Hep Stars _It's Been A Long Long Time_
"Hope" Quicksilver Messenger Service _Quicksilver_
"Hope" Klaatu _Hope_

"Hope" The Go-Betweens _Send Me A Lullaby_
"Hope" Bauhaus _Burning From The Inside_
"Hope" Unrest _Fuck Pussy Galore (& All Her Friends)_
"Hope" The House Of Love _The House Of Love_
"Hope" Massive Stereo Sellout _By Now_

"Hope" Yothu Yindi _Tribal Voice_
"Hope" Nitin Sawhney _Migration_

(part two)

"Hope" Some Velvet Sidewalk _The Lowdown_
"Hope" Kristin Hersh _Strange Angels_
"Hope" Red Dye No.5 _Pure Spun Sugar_

"Hope" Tree Fort Angst _Last Page In The Book Of Love_
"Hope" The Shining Hour _Long Lost_
"Hope" Cloud Cult _The Meaning Of 8_
"Hope" Atmosphere _To All My Friends, Blood Makes The Blade Holy: The Atmosphere EPs_
"Hope" Lewis Black _Stark Raving Black_

"Hope" Boris _Attention Please_
"Hope" Seasick Steve _Hubcap Music_

Self Help Radio 030614: Swamps

Day four of Self Help Radio week finds us mired in a show about swamps! Luckily the show features not only lots of swampy songs, but also helpful hints on how to walk through swamps if that's the sort of thing you want to do. Also, the question is asked & answered: are there swamps in Kentucky?

Find out at the Self Help Radio website, or go straight to the show (it's in two parts) by choosing either part one or part two.  The songs I played are below.

Keep an eye out for crocodiles!

(part one)

"Caroni Swamp" Phil Madison _Calypso Pioneers_
"Mississippi Swamp Moan" Alfred Lewis _American Primitive: Pre-War Revenants 1897-1939, Vol. 2_
"Swamp Fire" Martin Denny _Ultra-Lounge, Vol. 1: Mondo Exotica_

"Swamp Thing" The Chameleons _Strange Times_
"Swamp (live)" Talking Heads _Stop Making Sense_
"Swamp Song" Blur _13_
"The Swamps" Widowspeak _The Swamps_

"Chloe (Song Of The Swamp)" The Ravens _Birds Of A Feather_
"Swamp Girl" Kay Martin & Her Bodyguards _Kay Martin & Her Bodyguards_

(part two)

"Swampland" Scientists _Blood Red River 1982-1984_
"Swamp Witch" Deadbolt _Haight Street Hippie Massacre: Best Of Deadbolt_
"Swamp Buggy Badass" Quintron/Miss Pussycat _Swamp Tech_

"Mah Sanctum" Nick Cave _And The Ass Saw The Angel: Readings & Music_
"Swamp Lily" Roy Acuff _King Of Country_
"Pompadour Swamp" Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band _Bluejeans & Moonbeams_
"Swamp Of Love" King Tuff _King Tuff_

"Swamp Thing" Tochigi _Tochigi_
"Swamp Woman" The Cryin' Out Louds _Texas: A Collection Of Texas Garage Punkers_
"More Swamp Than Elvis" Bloody Marys _Sixteen Hail Marys (The Best Of 1985 - 2004)_
"Swamp Campfire" Monster Rally _Coral_

Self Help Radio 030514: Indiepop A To Z # 43

Self Help Radio week continues!  If only someone were paying attention!

I continue with my self-explanatory & terribly OCD Indiepop A To Z series.  We're tearing through the Is right now.  Should have them finished by the next show!

You can listen of course right now at the Self Help Radio website or go directly to the show: part one is here & part two is here.  A worryingly alphabetical list is below.

Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Meet Me Again" The Impossibles _Knowing Where It All Leeds_
"Lazy Summer Days" In A Day _Just For A Day_
"Rip Off" In A Spring _A Chance To Shine - Dorian Records Compilation_
"This Brilliant Evening" In Embrace _In Embrace_

"Grow" In Rain _Rough Trade Singles Club_
"Where Do I Stand?" Incredible Blondes _Where Do I Stand? 7"_
"Blue Cheer" Incredible Force Of Junior _Let The World Fall Apart_
"I Wouldn't Change A Thing" Incredible Rainbow _Sofa 1_
"Julia, We Don't Live In The '60s" The Indelicates _Julia, We Don't Live In The '60s_

"Talkin' Smoking" Indian Rope _Beikoku-Ongaku # 14_
"Pennyweight" Individual Fruit Pie _LemonLine Volume One_

(part two)

"The Moment" Indurain _What You Get For Being Naive_
"Halleluja!" [Ingenting] _Tomhet, Idel Tomhet (Emptiness, Nothing But Emptiness)_
"Contrafus.oo.watch" Ingo Star Cruiser _Little Molly Has A Treat For You, Vol. 1_

"Speak Our Minds" The Innocence Mission _Glow_
"This Is How It Feels" Inspiral Carpets _The Singles_
"Sydney" Insta _Airpop Terminal 2_
"France" Intastella _Intastella & The Family Of People_
"1994" International Waters _1994_

"Obstacle 1" Interpol _Turn On The Bright Lights_
"Hearts & Flowers" Into Paradise _Under The Water_

Self Help Radio 030414: Castles

Self Help Radio week continues!  & so far, no one's threatened to beat me up!

As I was listening to these songs about castles, I was wondering if I have ever been in a castle.  I think I have - when I was a child.  Not so much in my adulthood.  I don't think I've ever even been in a White Castle.  But there are lots of good songs about castles!

The show is available for listening now now now at Self Help Radio Castle.  If you can't wait for the drawbridge to lower, you may go there directly by clicking the following links: first part | second part.  A castle full of songs is listed below!

Thanks for listening!  Sorry it's so drafty in here!

(part one)

"My Castle's Rockin'" Alberta Hunter _The Women Of Classic Jazz: Female Artists 1939-1952_
"Bethlehem Castle" The Jacobites _The Ragged School_
"Queen Of Sandcastles" The Sporting Life _ A House Full Of Friends_
"Castle Of Nothing" Rollin Hunt _The Phoney_

"Paper Castle" Rotary Connection _Collecting Peppermint Clouds Vol. 1_
"Castles In The Sky" Blonde On Blonde _Circus Days UK Pop-Sike Obscurities 1966-1970_
"The Castle" Love _Da Capo_
"Castles In The Air" Colour Field _Virgins & Philistines_
"The Abandoned Castle Of My Soul" The Gothic Archies _The New Despair_

"Castles In Spain" Armoury Show _Waiting For The Floods_
"Castles Of Wales" The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir _...And The Horse You Rode In On_

(part two)

"She Lives By The Castle" Felt _Poem Of The River_
"Castle Train" Easy _Magic Seed_
"Castles In The Grave" John Maus _A Collection Of Rarities & Previously Unreleased Material_

"Gruesome Castle" The Wake _Here Comes Everybody + Singles_
"The Golden Castle" Watoo Watoo _Seven Summers (International Pop Vol. 2)_
"Clogged Castle" Boat _50 Sweaty Boat Fans Can't Be Wrong_
"Skull Castle Decorator" Bill Baird _Diamond Eyepatch_
"The Castle" The Lovely Eggs _Wildlife_

"The Turqoise Castle" The Dentists _Dressed_
"Cardboard Castles" James Kirk _You Can Make It If You Boogie_
"The Castle" Cocoanut Groove _Madeleine Street_

Self Help Radio 030314: Tests

Self Help Radio week begins!

Please do not open the Tests show until your instructor has told you to do so.  Remember, you only have the length of the Tests show to complete the Tests show.  There will be no curve.

Your booklet is available at the Self Help Radio website. Please note the exam is in two parts: part one is here, & part two is here.  The subjects you will be writing about are in the song list below.

Good luck!  No cheating!
xo gary

(part one)

"I Dreamed I Had To Take A Test..." Laurie Anderson _United States Live_
"Put It To The Test" They Might Be Giants _Here Comes Science_
"A Test" The Reivers _Saturday_
"Testing Time" Edwyn Collins _Hope & Despair_

"Just A Test" Beastie Boys _Hello Nasty_
"This Is Not A Test" Bikini Kill _Revolution Girl Style Now!_
"This Is A Test" Wendy James _Now Ain't The Time For Your Tears_
"This Is A Test" Oppenheimer _Oppenheimer_
"This Is Only A Test" Ross Beach _Orange Gerbera Daisies_
"This Is Only A Test" Smoking Popes _This Is Only A Test_

"Princess, You're A Test" Bearsuit _The Phantom Forest_
"Classical Music Quiz" Cake On Cake _Hymns I Remember_
"Fight Test" The Flaming Lips _Fight Test_
"AIDS Test" Chris Rock _Cheese & Crackers: The Greatest Bits_

(part two)

"Silly Noises Quiz" Monty Python _Monty Python's Previous Record_
"I Never Finished A Test" Edson _Unwind With Edson_
"Everytime I Pass The Test" The Skywriters _The Skywriters_
"Testcard Girl" Talulah Gosh _Backwash_

"Literacy Test Song" Pete Seeger _Gazette, Vol. 2_
"Testing The Bomb" Shel Silverstein _I'm So Good I Don't Have To Brag_
"Test" Don Dixon _Note Pad # 38_
"Pencil Test" Yo La Tengo _Prisoners Of Love: A Smattering Of Scintillating Senescent Songs: 1985-2003_
"Metal Test" Material _Memory Serves_

"Test Pilot" The Fizzbombs _Surfin' Winter 12"_
"Lie Detector Test" The Aluminum Group _Pedals_
"Finals Season" The Cocker Spaniels _Withstand The Whatnot_
"Test Of Time" Temples _Sun Structures_

Self Help Radio 022814: Split

What's worse than one Self Help Radio? A Self Help Radio split in two!  Okay, each episode of Self Help Radio is in fact split in two.  But the show has got all meta & is now about splitting as itself is split.  What's more, the show features an interview with a professional splitter & some spiritual advice for those of us who often feel as though we're split in two.  & of course, lots of songs.

Listen to the show!  It's now at Self Help Radio web site.  Or perhaps you'd prefer to listen directly?  The two halves are here: part one & part two.  The split list of songs are below.

Before I split - thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Banana Split For My Baby" Louis Prima _Angelina_
"Cherry For A Banana Split" Nipsey Russell _Things They Never Taught At School_
"We're The Banana Splits" The Banana Splits _Here Come The Banana Splits_

"You Can Split" Youngblood Smith _Big City Soul, Vol. 2_
"I Live In A Split-Level Head" Napoleon XIV _They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!_
"Let's Split" Syd Barrett _Opel_
"Split To The East" Jandek _Staring At The Cellophane_
"Split Second Feeling" Cabaret Voltaire _The Original Sound of Sheffield '78/'82_
"Love Split With Blood" Dog Faced Hermans _Hum Of Life_

"I've Got A Splitting Hedachi" The Dickies _Dawn Of The Dickies_
"Splitting In Two" Alternative TV _The Image Has Cracked_

(part two)

"Split" Liliput _Nag Nag Nag_
"Split Up The Money" Vic Godard & The Subway Sect _Twenty Odd Years: The Story Of Vic Godard & The Subway Sect_
"Split Myself In Two" Meat Puppets _Meat Puppets II_
"She Splits Me Up" Crocodiles _Crimes Of Passion_

"Split!" That Petrol Emotion _Babble_
"50/50 Split" Beatnik Filmstars _Beezer_
"A Beauty Of Love That Splits The Body In Two" Thee Headcoats _The Messerschmitt Pilot's Severed Hand_
"Split Single With Happy Lounge Labelmates" Half Man Half Biscuit _Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral_
"Cat & Split" Extra Medium Pony _11868_
"Split Minute" Darker My Love _Alive As You Are_
"Split Like A Lip, No Blood On The Beard" Buke & Gase _General Dome_

"Splitting Up" Edwyn Collins _Doctor Syntax_

Whither Split?

One day I split in two.  Was it mitosis?  Was it meiosis?  Was it youosis?  I have noosis idea.

I said to the new me, "Now there's two of us, we can work twice as long on each Self Help Radio show!"

But I looked horrified & said, "Screw that!  There's two of us!  Now we'll have enough time to do all the things that we've been wanting to do!"

I asked, "What are all the things we wanted to do?"

I replied, "Wait.  Don't you have a bucket list?"

I said, "No.  No, I don't."

"But," I said back to me, "isn't there something we've wanted to do our entire lives?  Exciting places to go?  Amazing things to see?"

I chuckled.  "You're new," I said.  "You haven't quite remembered how frightened & defeated we are."

"Oh," I replied.  "Well."

"Want to work on this week's Self Help Radio with me?" I asked.

"Sure, I guess," I said.  "What's the theme?"

"Split is the theme."

"How appropriate!" I said.  & we both laughed.

Sad, sad laughter.

The Internet Is Good/Bad For Obsessions

This wonderful article on my favorite game show - Match Game - led me today to YouTube which has an untold number of old Match Game episodes for me to watch.  I loved that show as a kid - & I'm not entirely sure why.

I had older brothers & sisters who cursed like sailors, & my brothers left pornographic magazines in the bathroom that I'd leaf through looking for cartoons or other things that would fascinate my comic book-loving brain (at a certain age, looking at naked people is kinda boring), so I don't think I was ever over-tittilated by the innuendo & risqué language & situations.  I know I found it funny, but I expected it - there were girls at school who would giggle & act horrified if they heard me say "fuck," so I imagine it would scandalize them much more than it would me to watch Match Game.

I think I liked the game show aspect of it - filling in the blanks! - & I know I loved Richard Dawson & Charles Nelson Reilly & even Brett Somers.  It was also fun to see people I saw in other television shows (though I knew Dawson from Hogan's Heroes) (& I'll bet every one of them had appeared on the Love Boat &/or Fantasy Island).  & I loved how ridiculously playful Gene Rayburn was (though honestly he also kinda creeped me out) (it may be because he resembles my mother's boyfriend at the time).  As the article linked above points out, it was like being invited to a cocktail party - on a garishly colorful set (although I'm certain I watched most of the episodes on a black & white television) with that insane microphone Rayburn used.

But even though I wrote a "review" for the show on the IMDb a lifetime ago - in 2001 - I missed this documentary, called "Behind The Blank," which aired in 2002 on the then-called Game Show Network, which at the time aired two episodes per night.  I recommend it!  It's fun to listen to older versions of my 1970s friends talk about the show - Gene Rayburn says, "We were just a bunch of friends having a good time."  The magic of the show was that they made you feel like you were one of their friends, as well.

Gotta go back to watch more now!

"Hollywood Sign Generator"

Thanks to this site (which looks to be out of date, so I hope they saved Cahuenga Peak) (I suppose they did?) (I can't find any information about it) - anyway, thanks to that site, I can make everyone see what Hollywood would be like if it were cool.

Or - wait - the opposite of cool.

Self Help Radio Week In A Week!

Next week is Self Help Radio Week!  Every day of the week is a new episode of Self Help Radio!

Yeah, I know it's not that exciting.  But it'll be fun!  I promise!

Here are the five themes the show will be exploring next week:

Monday: Tests
Tuesday: Castles
Wednesday: Indiepop A To Z # 43
Thursday: Swamps
Friday: Hope

Craziness!

Self Help Radio 022114: Dig It

We dug into our music collection today (groan) to find lots of songs about digging, whether of the "to excavate" meaning or of the "like, understand" slangy meaning.  If you dig through the show, perhaps you'll find something you'll dig (please stop).

The show is available for listening hooray! at Self Help Radio website place.  Should you want to simply click a button to immediately get to a show, & who could blame you, I have direct links here: part the I | part the II.  Soon you'll be digging on the songs that I played, which are handily listed below.

Hey! I dig you!

(part one)

"Diga Diga Doo" Bob Thompson _The History Of Space Age Pop, Vol. 1: Melodies & Mischief_
"I Dig Everything" David Bowie _Early On 1964-1966_
"I Dig Your Kind" Barons _Society Don't Let Us Down_
"I'm Digging You Digging Me" Boyce & Hart _I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight?_
"I Dig Your Mind" The Nervous Breakdowns _I Dig Your Mind_

"I'm A Ginseng Digger" Wally Burke _I'm Just The Other Woman! MSR Madness Vol. # 4_
"I Dig Love" George Harrison _All Things Must Pass_
"Do You Dig It" Titus Turner _What It Is! Funky Soul & Rare Grooves (1967-1977)_
"Dig On" Pablo Moses _Pave The Way_
"I Dig You" The Cure _Seventeen Seconds_

"Dig That Groove Baby" Toy Dolls _Dig That Groove Baby_
"Dig Me" King Crimson _Three Of A Perfect Pair_

(part two)

"Dig A Hole" The Wolfgang Press _Standing Up Straight_
"Dig For Fire" Pixies _Bossanova_
"Can You Dig It?" Mock Turtles _Can You Dig It?: The Best Of The Mock Turtles_

"Digging My Feet In The Ground" Smack Dab _Majestic Root_
"I Dig You" Beat Happening _Beat Happening/Screaming Trees_
"I Dig You" Boss Hog _Boss Hog_
"Dig My Pig" Anton Barbeau _17th Century Fuzzbox Blues_
"Digging For Water" White Rose Transmission _Magic Boomerang_

"Archaeological Dig" State Broadcasters _The Ship & The Iceberg_
"Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!_
"Dig You Out" Male Bonding _Endless Now_
"Dig A Little Deeper" Peter Bjorn & John _Gimme Some_

Preface To Dig It: I Have Measured Out My Life In Shovels

Not true!  Why do I assault TS Eliot in this way?  I have barely held a shovel since I was but a boy.

I did shovel a bit of our driveway during the last month when we were covered in snow (it's gone - for now - & it's 70 degrees right now but it's windy & storms are coming).  I didn't do the entire driveway because it's very big.  Here's a Google Maps picture of our driveway:

Perhaps you can tell that we have one of those driveways that people call "circular drives" even though it's mainly an arc.  If you can't tell, it's because that big tree is hiding the topmost part (which would show you our front door & garage door too).

As you can imagine, that's a hell of a lot to shovel.  I couldn't keep up.

But it is a driveway - on private property - & knowing that fact, you'd be pretty surprised how many people use it as a means to turn around.  It seems a little rude.  Also, when I see a car driving up, I wonder, "Who can that be? Is it a friend coming to visit?"  Then I have to say, "Oh, no.  Just a douchebag doing something he'd get really pissed if someone did on his driveway."

So yes, I've held a shovel this year.  It doesn't make up for all the years I haven't held a shovel.  But I wasn't using it to dig anything up - just trying to dig out of lots & lots of snow.  & failing to do that.

What Is… Self Help Radio Week?

Is it something "declared" by the United States Congress?

Is it something horrified schoolchildren must study in third grade?

Is it a blatant attempt by a self-help industry to cash in on all the attention & money that realtors make during Real Estate Week?

Is it a chapter in my upcoming autobiography describing how long it normally takes me to make one damn Self Help Radio show?

No, no, no, & no.  It is none of the above.

Here are some hints as to what it really is:

1) It's completely made up.  By me.  I have decreed it.  No one else will observe it or will even care.

2) It won't really last a week.  It'll last five days.  So it should be called "Self Help Radio Work Week."

3) But I am calling it "Self Help Radio Week."

4) More details will be detailed next week!

But don't be too excited about it - if it's possible to get even a little bit excited - because it's no big deal.  I just never get to "tease" anything on this blog, & I wanted to see what it felt like.

It feels a little dumb.

You Are Not Currently Following Any Blogs

That's what blogger tells me every time I come here to write something about my dumb radio show.  It makes me feel bad.  Should I be following any blogs?  I mean, I should, right?  Being that I should be part of the blogger community.  That makes a certain amount of sense.

Which blogs ought I follow?  Before you answer that - might you want to know something about my likes & dislikes?  I like indie music, obviously.  & comic books (I think also that's obvious).  & Star Trek.  Um.  Is that a good place to start?

Blogger doesn't suggest any blogs for me to follow.  It has a button called "Blogger Buzz" which appears to want to show me how to make more money with my blog - only I don't really want to make any money with my blog.  I know that sounds downright un-American of me, but I do all this as a labor of love - I have never made a cent doing Self Help Radio.  Though I've lost a lot of money & time doing it!

There is this list (from 2008) of the most popular blogs on Blogger (Self Help Radio's blog didn't make it, alas). Here's a list of 2013's "best bloggers," according to Time Magazine (also I am not on this list).  I have a feeling this whole "finding blogs to follow" is going to take a little time.

Which brings me to: hey! No one's following me!  At least I don't think so.  How would I know if someone was "following" the Self Help Radio blog?

It's all rather confusing.  If you have a blog you think I should follow, let me know.  I will attempt to do some recon & be back at base before reveille.  Gary out.

The Diggers

According to Wikipedia, the Diggers were "a group of Protestant English agrarian socialists, begun by Gerrard Winstanley as True Levellers in 1649, who became known as Diggers, because of their attempts to farm on common land."  I first heard about them on a Billy Bragg record (he was covering a tune by Leon Rosselson, called "The World Turned Upside Down"):



Chumbawamba have a song about them as well:



As someone who's never been terribly political in practice, but pretty political in talk, & who grew up in conservative suburban Texas, the Billy Bragg song seemed damned inspiring.  Utopian communities in the United States have usually been religiously based - I couldn't place myself in a Shaker community, or with the Beechers.  But stories of the Paris Commune & the Diggers have always made me wish I could belong to something that idealistic & good even though it would be doomed to failure.

(I had similar feelings about the recent Occupy Wall Street movement & the Arab Spring - hopeful they would succeed, but knowing in my cynical, defeated heart they would fail.)

(I might also mention here some of my work in community radio - but I won't.)

These two songs were in my mind as I thought about a show with the theme "Dig It" (which is the theme for this week's show, of course).  In addition to songs about actually digging things (like with one's hands, or shovels, or cranes), & songs about "digging" things like hipsters & hippies might say, there are these two songs about a seventeenth century socialist movement.  How does one fit them into the context of a radio show with the theme "dig it"?

Maybe one just mentions them on one's blog?

Self Help Radio 021414: Valentine's Day 2014

Happy Valentine's Day!  Here's a buncha songs about Valentine's Day, valentines, days of Valentine, & well - you get the drift.  Plus a Valentine's Day expert tells us what the day is really about.  Oh boy!

You can listen to the show all day long (starting now) at Self Help Radio Love Central.  Or you can listen to it direct-like by clicking either part I or part II.  All the love-filled songs are listed below.

Again: Happy Valentine's Day!

(part one)

"My Funny Valentine" Elvis Costello _Taking Liberties_
"Blue Valentine" Tom Waits _Blue Valentine_
"Valentines" The Real Tuesday Weld _At The End Of The World_

"Fool For A Valentine" The Gist _Fool For A Valentine_
"On A Valentine" The Morrisons _Songs From The South Of England (1986 - 1988)_
"St. Valentine's Day" The Dream Academy _A Different Kind Of Weather_
"Valentine" The Sisters Of Mercy _The Reptile House EP_

"Valentine" Psychedelic Furs _World Outside_
"St. Valentine's Day" Mekons _I Love Mekons_
"Valentine's Day" David Bowie _The Next Day_

(part two)

"Valentine's Day" Soul Merchants _1985-1987_
"Valentine's Day" The Kids Of Widney High _Act Your Age_

"Valentine" The Darling Buds _Shame On You_
"Valentine" Tsunami _Deep End_
"Everyday Is Valentine's Day" Kissing Book _Lines & Color_
"Valentine's Day" The Poconos _Days Are Getting Shorter_
"Be My Valentine Tonight" Remington Super 60 _Pling2001_
"Dear St. Valentine" Would-Be-Goods _The Morning After_
"Valentine" The School _Loveless Unbeliever_

"Black Valentine" Hey! Hello! _Hey! Hello!_
"Your Valentine (Takes Me Back In Time)" Bubblegum Lemonade _Some Like It Pop_
"My Bloody Valentine" Ratcat _Tingles_
"Valentine's Day Is Over" Billy Bragg _The Peel Sessions_

Preface To Valentine's Day 2014: Any Good Valentine's Day Stories?

I actually don't have a lot of Valentine's Day stories because for the longest time (my first twenty years or so, & many of the years since), I didn't have the slightest chance of getting a girl to be my valentine, & when I was finally (against all odds) dating someone, I was generally with women who didn't need or want flowers, candies, jewelry, etc. - the hallmarks of the day.  I might have given one or two valentines to the woman who is now my wife - but I doubt she'd even notice if I never mentioned that tomorrow was Valentine's Day to her.

But.  I do have one dumb story.  It took place in high school.  I bought some cheap not-even-Russell-Stover boxes of chocolate at a drugstore & gave them to some girls I was fond of in my AP History class.  This was in twelfth grade, Valentine's Day 1986.  I know I gave one to a girl named Laura, who was probably the first girl I really fell in love with, & also to a girl named Carrie, who sat next to me, but I can't remember if there was anyone else in class.  I might have given one or two to a teacher I liked - but my favorite teacher was the male history teacher, & he might not have reacted well to me buying him candy.

In my senior year of high school, I would get to school early - before 7:30 - when it was easy to park & when I could go sit in the halls (hall monitors came on duty to watch the doors at 7:30) & read or study rather than hang out with a growing crowd of students waiting for the eight o'clock bell to ring & stumble miserably into first period.  At the time, one other person would wait in the halls with me: a girl named Terri, who, at some point, decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore (that's another story).  We used to chat & stuff before school started, but for a month or two we just sat silently in the halls, next to the drinking fountains (& therefore not in the view of the hall monitors), waiting for school to begin.

That day, I meant to give one of the heart-shaped boxes of candy to Terri.  I didn't know if I thought being thoughtful would repair our friendship (we reconciled over the course of a couple of weeks in the spring, although we didn't stay friends after high school) - I couldn't possibly have been that clever - I think I just thought, I like Terri, we're friends, I'm giving candy to girls (& possibly male teachers) today, I'll give her one.

I gave it to her.  She took it & said, "Thank you."  & continued ignoring me.  I went back to reading or doing homework or whatever.  After a couple of minutes, she gave the candy back to me & said, "I can't take it!  It's a farce!"  She was crying.  She went to the restroom & didn't return that morning.

(I had to look up "farce" in the dictionary later that day.)

We never spoke about it - I never brought it up - & I think I was baffled I could affect anyone in any way when I was that young & dumb.  The story has a funny postscript, though.

I was left with an extra box of candy & even I knew how lonely it would be to eat a box of valentine chocolate I had bought for myself, so when I got home, I gave it to my mother.  She was extremely happy & she almost cried herself.  That, too, was baffling to me - it was a lesson no one had taught me, least of all her - & maybe that's what moved her so: her son was being thoughtful!  Maybe she also noticed that she & I weren't as close as we had been.  In any event, wow.  She was so happy.  That was crazy.

To this day, though, I'm probably not all that thoughtful.  Some lessons can be learned only barely.

Revenge Of The Love Song!

What happens when you no longer need the love song?  You might be married - or have given up on being with another - or have given your life over to sex & death - or many other fates.  But still - as if the world is populated entirely by teenagers - the love song continues.

The love song's reach has never exceeded its grasp.  The love song goes on forever.  But lovers do not. Lovers grow old & die.  Lovers lose interest or have their love worn away.  The love song abandons old lovers because there are always new lovers growing up, feeling the urge, entering into the world of longing & desire.

Like most love, the love song is trite & banal.  Like most love, the love song is exquisite & expansive.  Like most love, the love song wants everyone to sing along.

John Lydon made sure you understand that he was not singing a love song.  Bo Burnham says the secret to the modern love song is to repeat lyrics so the song is easy to memorize.  But it helps not to overthink it.  Love songs mostly suck because most of the ideas you have about love suck.  Why else would you even listen to most of the songs on this list?  Or this list?  Or this list?  Or especially this list?

Go ahead.  Give up the love song.  Dismiss it as juvenile.  Think you've outgrown it.  Pretend to be above it.  The love song doesn't care.  It never needed you.

You needed it.

Dead External Drive Blues

Tuesdays are usually the days I set aside for lots of listening to music for Friday's show.  I have many songs (like most people) which I have on both DVD & on an external hard drive.  But this morning my external hard drive died.  Or something.

I have a program that I use to recover files from such things but it's slow slow slow.  I may (sigh) end up just copying from the DVDs again.  That takes a LONG TIME.  It's EXHAUSTING.

Online forums are usually of mild help but I sure wish I had a Star Trek computer that I could say "run internal diagnostic" to.  Instead, the program looking for files on the dead &/or dying external hard drive says, "Overall Progress: 0%".

In other news, despite it still being cold as fuck & snow is still everywhere, the wife & I are going to brave the unpleasant weather to see Eugene Mirman in Louisville tonight.

Boo, computer programs.  Hooray, comedy!

Table Of Contents/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

TOC/OCD

This may strike many as absurd, being that Self Help Radio is a show unlikely to be heard by many people ever in the universe ever, but I have gone & made a page on the website which lists all the themes I've explored in alphabetical order, with links to the original playlists.

But why do a thing like that?  Are there people out there who think to themselves, "I wonder if an obscure radio shows that has little or no listeners have ever done a radio show about [whatever]?"  I can understand them being interested when Bob Dylan did his theme radio show, because even though I've done many of the same themes he did, he's Bob Fucking Dylan & I'm as close to the textbook definition of insignificant as one can get.

In fact, it's safe to say, with a show that has almost no listeners, I could only do such a thing for me.

It's true.  I have been doing this ridiculous show for over eleven years now & occasionally I say to myself, "Hey! I should do a show about…!"  & often I go through the trouble of preparing it, only to realize I have in fact done it before.

For the record, I have only accidentally repeated a show once.  The theme was "trash" & I did the show in both 2004 & 2008.  I did a show about "fame" & another about "stars" (as in "movie stars") that ended up being rather similar.  But I've almost repeated a theme about two dozen times.

This handy index is available for me to double-check when I think I've come up with an idea that I have in fact had a few times before.  It's also available to folks - there's always been a few at the radio stations I've been at - who have thought they could do a better theme-oriented show than I do.  They can look at the linked playlists & sneer!

It's okay - I'm almost certain anyone could do this show better than I have.  I'm the one, however, stuck in the Self Help Radio rut, & not getting out any time soon.  Because I have to keep updating this "table of contents"!

Self Help Radio 020714: Hollow

The hollowness of human existence got you down?  Why not celebrate it instead?  Self Help Radio today celebrates hollow in all its forms.  Well, maybe not all its forms.  It's hollow, after all.  Just a lot of space.  Empty, you know.

The show is available for listening now! at the Self Help Radio website, or directly from here, by choosing either part one or part two.  The hollowest of songs are listed below.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Hollow" House Of Love _Audience With The Mind_
"Hollow" Majestic _The Majestic 12 Years 1995-1996_

"Hollow Hills (live)" Bauhaus _Mask_
"Hollow Eyes (12" Version)" Red Lorry Yellow Lorry _Talk About The Weather_
"The Hollow Earth" Pere Ubu _The Tenement Year_
"Hollow Gut" Lowlife _From A Scream To A Whisper_

"All My Hollowness To You" Tall Dwarfs _Hello Cruel World_
"Pretty But Hollow" The Passmore Sisters _Violent Blue_
"Hollow Heart" Birdland _Hollow Heart 12"_
"Hollow Inside" The Hummingbirds _Love Buzz_

(part two)

"Jupiter Hollow" The Proctors _Pinstripes & Englishmen_
"Hollow Inside" The Cat's Miaow _Songs For Girls To Sing_

"Hollow Mind" The Fall _Are You Are Missing Winner_
"Another Hollow Line" Young Knives _Voices Of Animals & Men_
"Is Your Head Hollow" Tranzmitors _Tranzmitors_
"Hollow Hollow Eyes" Crocodiles _ Sleep Forever_
"Hollow Life" Frankie Rose & The Outs _Frankie Rose & The Outs_

"Hollow Inside" The Buzzcocks _A Different Kind Of Tension_
"In Hollow" Belltower _Popdropper_
"Hollow Time Of Night" The Barmitzvah Brothers _The Century Of Invention_
"Hollowed Out" Cut Off Your Hands _Hollow_

Whither Hollow?

The first time I read TS Eliot's "The Hollow Men," I had no familiarity with Guy Fawkes & only a vague understanding of the post-World-War-I world about which he was writing.  I just knew that at times I felt a little (or a lot) hollow.  I was a teenager, & looking for words that would either echo how I felt or attempt to fill that hollowness.  Eliot did both.

I am somewhat more solid in my middle age, but still occasionally fill that I'm not entirely filled by life. I watch movies, listen to music, read books, sometimes even talk to people.  But of course there's always a hollowness.  Old friends that I used to know on Usenet would tell me in one word what it is: angst.

I'm trying to remember if eighteen-year-old me thought that some day that hollow feeling would be gone.  The more-than-twice-that me thinks it might be a little boring if that were the case.  I would have to find another reason to listen to music, for example - which I suppose could be interesting, to only listen to music for something technical, like composition or artistry - but it wouldn't be me, & it might make me turn my back on music I have always loved.  Very little that I loved at one time seems strange or immature or "other" to me.  I am very rarely embarrassed, as some people are, at what I "used to listen to."

Some of my friends, in fact, are more embarrassed for me for what I listen to now.

It's my way of saying, I suppose, that there's always a part of me that's going to be hollow.

I just asked my wife, who's an anatomist, what parts of the human body are hollow.  There are a lot of them: the stomach, the intestines, the bladder, the nasal cavity, the maxillary sinuses, the lateral cervical triangle, among others.  She even said, "The cranium is hollow, until you stick a brain in it," as if she were a mad scientist.

Those are the physical parts of me that'll always be hollow.  But it turns out there's more.  & probably always will be.

Preface To Hollow: The Adventures Of Reverb & Echo!

"It doesn't make much sense, sir," said the young police cadet.

"No," grumbled the aged detective.  "It most assuredly does not."  He lit his cigar & motioned to the coroner's men to come get the body.  "How," he muttered to himself, "does a person get killed inside a hollowed-out tree?"

"NOT SO FAST!" a voice bounded out of the night sky.  Everyone recognized it - it belonged to the Redoubtable Resounder himself: Reverb!

"Oh fuck," sighed the grumpy detective.  "I bet he brought that underage kid with him, too…"

"Not so fast!" a pubescent voice came, as if in response.  It was everyone's favorite Child Comeback, Echo!

"I HAVE THIS COMMISSIONER!" said the hero.  "I have this!" echoed Echo.

"Look, fellows," the detective said, "this is not the time & place…"

"DOUBTLESS THE WORK OF THE NEFARIOUS NECRO-THIEF!" said Reverb.  "Nefarious thief!" said Echo.

"I know we're outdoors, fellows," said the detective, "but can you use your indoor voice?"

"Excuse me, detective!"  A woman was pushing her way through the police cordon.  "Mary Malone, Child Protective Services.  I need a word with the man in the leather outfit."

"ECHO!" said the champion of justice, "USE YOUR REVERB-RAYS TO SEE IF THERE ARE MAGGOTS OR OTHER CORPSE-EATING VERMIN AROUND THE BODY!"

"Maggots!" said Echo, pulling a device like a small flashlight out of his belt.

"You! You!" said Mary Malone.

"YES, MA'AM? HOW CAN I HELP?"

"How old is that child there?" she asked, pointing at Echo.

"ER.  OLD?  HE'S MY SIDEKICK, THE REPETITIVE PALADIN HIMSELF!"

"Himself!" said Echo.

"Don't you yell at me, mister," said Mary Malone, poking the improbably clad hero in the chest.

"Er," he said.

"Is this young man Ernie Jackson, son of Clarence & Wilma Jackson, who live on Glendale Lane?"

"Mom & Dad?" said Echo.

"Son," said Mary Malone, "your parents are very worried about you!"

"They're not dead?" asked Echo, looking at Reverb.

"ANOTHER EVIL PLOT BY THE CONFOUNDER!" said Reverb, bursting into action.  He grabbed Echo around the waist & took off running into the forest.

"What the?" said Mary Malone, turning to the grizzled detective.  "Why don't you stop him?"

"This is homicide, ma'am," he said.  He turned to the young police cadet.  "Where's the coroner?"

"For fuck's sake!" said Mary Malone, turning & storming back to her car.

The old detective, who really thought he had seen it all, leaned on the tree that was the crime scene & puffed on his stogie.  The body seemed to be cut in three as they pulled it out.

"Who the fuck does something like that?" he thought to himself.  He looked into the forest where he thought he heard a young boy crying.

Punch A Bee

I found this on a Tumblr site:

I have no idea what it means, but it made me laugh.

Things are odd that way.