Self Help Radio 061519: Fifty

That graphic I made gives the impression we're celebrating some fiftieth event or anniversary.  That's simply not the case.  The show is just exploring the number fifty.

Which is not to say that the show doesn't talk about fifty things in one way or another.  Fifty miles, fifty years, fifty cents - there are many things in groups of fifty here.  (Incidentally, I wish there were a name for groups of fifty.  We just have some DC nonprofit & that time in the book of Luke (9:14) where Jesus feeds the five thousand & has them get into "groups of about fifty each" - & if Jesus can't come up for a word for groups of fifty, I'm not going to.)

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, no anniversary, no milestone, nothing but a discussion of the number fifty plus lots of fifty-themed songs, including an entire set on the notion of "50/50" - an equitable split.

Sorry the show is late!  It's a little early today for your convenience.  But still late!  It's now at Self Help Radio dot net, you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen, & what is played (including the interviews) is listed below.

Thanks for your patience!

Self Help Radio Fifty Show

"Fifty Miles Of Elbow Room" Rev. F.W. McGee _Anthology Of American Folk Music, Vol. 2B: Social Music_
"Fifty Years From Now" Harry McClintock _Protest! American Protest Songs 1928-1953_
"Fifty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong (with Miff Mole's Molers & Ted Shapiro)" Sophie Tucker _The Last Of The Red Hot Mamas_

introductions & definition

"Five Ten Fiftyfold" Cocteau Twins _Head Over Heels_
"50ft Queenie" PJ Harvey _Rid Of Me_
"Sonnet 50: How Heavy Do I Journey On The Way" Benjamin Soames _The Best Of The Sonnets_
"50 Shades Of Blue" Edwyn Collins _Hope & Despair_
"The 50 States Song" Sufjan Stevens _The 50 States_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Fifty-Fifty Blues (feat. Jack Teagarden)" Louis Armstrong & His All-Stars _Pops: The 1940s Small-Band Sides_
"50-50 Love" The Ramblers _The Best Of Harlem & Jax Records, Vol. 1_
"50/50" Frank Zappa _Over-Nite Sensation_
"50/50 Split" Beatnik Filmstars _Beezer_
"Fifty Fifty" The Luyas _Animator_

interview with record breaker Waylon McKensie

"Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover" Marlboro Chorus _Flirt_
"50 Ways" Kool Moe Dee _How Ya Like Me Now_
"50 Ways" Telekinesis _12 Desperate Straight Lines_
"Maybe It's Because I'm Fifty" Robin Williams _Live 2002_
"I Had But Fifty Cents" R. Crumb & His Cheap Suit Serenaders _R. Crumb & His Cheap Suit Serenaders_

classic rock lyric revelations

"Fifty" Bill Morrissey _The Essential Collection_
"Fifty" Tom Robinson _Love Over Rage_
"Fifty Years Of Fun" Biff Bang Pow! _The Singles As & Bs_
"50 Year Smoker" Bill Hicks _Love, Laughter, & Truth_
"Fifty Years" Originals _California Sunset_

conclusion & goodbyes

"50 Year Old Man" The Fall _Imperial Wax Solvent_
"50 Dollars" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever_
"50 Years Of Comparative Wealth" Steve Diggle & The Flag Of Convenience _The Secret Public Years: 1981-1989_
"50 Souls & A Discobowl" The Lionheart Brothers _Dizzy Kiss_
"50% Of Your Love" Lacrosse _Are You Thinking Of Me Every Minute Of Every Day?_

Fifty Things Went Wrong Today

It's not even noon here in Portland (it's probably later where you are) but the morning was spent on the phone & fretting about issues almost entirely out of my hands but relating to selling our house in Fort Worth.  We're supposed to close today & various repairs related to our contract - which appear to have been finished - have apparently not been sufficiently documented to the satisfaction of - well, take your pick: the buyers, the realtors, the insurance company - & have therefore resulted in - I'm not sure yet!  Will the sale fall through?  Will it be delayed?  What will it cost if it's delayed?  Holy shit.

One thing is clear: there will not be a Self Help Radio at noon today.  I & the wife have been on the phone all morning long, our next-door neighbor has been sending pictures, at some point even someone of the phone agreed that it is kind of a shit-show.

Instead of scrambling to get the show done at some point today, I'm just going to plan for noon tomorrow.  I hope this isn't an inconvenience or disappointment.  I know this is like the second time in four weeks I've done this & I don't mean to make it a habit.  My apologies.

Someone's texting.  This will never frickin' end.

Whither Fifty?

(Apparently there's a film called Fifty. I did not have time to watch it for research purposes.)

Here are the obvious but incorrect reasons why the theme this week is "fifty":

1) I am turning fifty.  Nope, I did that in 2018.
2) Someone I know is turning fifty.  Nope, I know very few people.
3) It's the show's fiftieth episode.  Nope, that happened in the show's first year.
4) It's the fiftieth anniversary of the show.  Ha, I wish!  No, the show turns 17 this year.
5) It's the fiftieth anniversary of something.

That last one is true.  It's the fiftieth anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, & fifty years ago John Lennon & Yoko Ono were holding their infamous "bed-ins."  Among other things.

But no, this show is not celebrating or commemorating anything that happened fifty years ago.

Why "fifty" then?  Is there a reason?  You wouldn't do a show about a number without a reason, would you?

Yeah, I would.  The truth is, I'm not sure I should tell you why the theme will be "fifty" this week.  I can say I've done a few number shows before - I did a show about the counting numbers, & I believe I've done shows about the numbers zero, nine, & seventeen.  (I might be forgetting others; I was certain I'd done a show about the number four but I guess I have not.)  Numbers are reliable - people like to sing songs about numbers.  But was it simply because I knew there'd be lots of songs about the number fifty that I chose that as a theme?

Did someone request it?  Why, why, why is the theme "fifty" this week?

Oh, all right.  I'll tell you.  It's because of what I learned about the number fifty here: "The number 50 is witty. People generally smile a lot when they're around 50."

Who wouldn't want to listen to a witty radio show theme that everyone smiles a lot around?  Not me! I wanna listen to that!

If you listen tomorrow at noon at the Self Help Radio website, you'll probably smile a lot around the wit of fifty.  That's the reason for the show.  Not something ridiculous.

Not at all.

Preface To Fifty: Turning Fifty

In the arrogance & despair of youth, I never thought I'd make it to fifty.  I didn't know exactly what would happen to me - would I take my own life? would I die of carelessness? would something awful & unfair happen?  Who knows?  I just had this sense - & I suppose lots of self-involved sensitive souls feel this way - that I probably wouldn't make it past my twenties.

Then, you know, it happened.  Suddenly I was no longer a broken-hearted eighteen-year-old, I was a broken-hearted twenty-eight-year-old.  Then thirty-eight, then - wonder of wonders - fifty.

For a long time I really, really wanted to keep a journal, & tried to do so in fits & starts throughout my life.  The trouble is, I don't do anything really important, & I don't have any real insights into anything.  So a few years ago, I started writing down what I did during the day, sometimes just a checklist, to give me a sense of what my life was like at the time.  I did this for my fiftieth birthday & it simply didn't sound special or interesting when I just read about it.  In fact, it sounds a lot like most of my time in Dallas/Fort Worth: dog walking & lots of driving.  I also picked my wife up at the airport.  I did that a lot.

What I don't think I did was take stock of myself, meditate on my mortal situation, put things into some context like "there is now more life behind me than in front of me."  Why not, I wonder.

First of all, it's because I've never felt my age.  Not having been a terribly physical person, the most I notice is greying beard & receding hairline, & loss of vision.  I have to wear reading glasses now.  That's the most old my body seems.

Second, I think I never adulted as much as everyone else.  I didn't have kids, & I spent a great deal of time at colleges, consistently surrounded by young people.  (It was a great sadness to me that I couldn't help out at KTCU, the college station in Fort Worth.  I miss all the kids at WRFL.)  That tends to keep one relatively young in spirit, even as one appears to turn into a crotchety old timer.

& finally, I stopped making a big deal of my birthday maybe a decade ago.  I don't have a party, I don't do anything special, I don't even want cards or other shit from family.  It's really just another day, & I'd much rather mark time by things I care about doing - like my radio program - than something like a birthday ritual.

Now, this week's show has the theme "fifty" but I turned fifty last year.  So it has nothing to do with my age, which is currently fifty-one.  I'll try to talk tomorrow about why the theme is fifty.  For today's shabby essay, I just wanted to reflect on what I thought, if anything about turning fifty.  It turns out, not much.

Which is maybe too bad; many folks wanted me to see it as a milestone.  I will tell you that I did drive to see my mother on January 20, 2018 - it was a Saturday - & she was moving out of her apartment into my sister's house.  My nephew Josh & his wife showed up.  I went to have dinner with old friends from KVRX at a place I really do miss, Kalachandji's in Dallas.  & I picked my wife up from the airport; she had gone to Lexington for a funeral.

Maybe sixty will be a bigger deal.

Heat Wave!

Record breaking heat in Portland!

No seriously, records were broken!

It's going to be several days of 90+ degree weather.  What on earth is one supposed to do?

Of course, the average daily temperature in Dallas/Fort Worth has been ninety plus degrees for weeks now, & soon will be a hundred degrees or more, so it's a little funny for me to hear people fret about the weather.  They did this in Lexington, too.

The wife bikes to work, & has marveled at how Portlanders will trudge through snow, sleet, rain, virtually any kind of nasty weather - but she says heat is their kryptonite.  Everyone biking home this afternoon in 95 degree weather was going quite slow, she reports.

It cooled down tonight & will be pleasant in the a.m.  We went for a dog walk tonight & we'll go for one tomorrow.

Next week, the highs will maybe hit eighty.  Texas would be so much more bearable if it had just a week-long heat wave every once in a while instead of, you know, months-long heat waves.

& no, I don't feel responsible for bringing this weather here.  I think I lost the Texas weather that was trying to follow me somewhere outside of Salt Lake City.

Obligatory Gary Cartoon

Found this in a romance comic from 1957:

Incidentally, 1957 was the last time anyone daydreamed about being with a Gary.

Self Help Radio 060719: Talk Show

(Original image found here.)

Yeah, yeah, isn't every Self Help Radio a talky show?  Whatever.  Whatever!  Disrespect me all you want, I made an entire radio show about talking!  & you know what else?  I had six or seven more hours worth of songs about talking that I deliberately chose not to play because I didn't want to talk that much.  That's right, I showed restraint.  There's a first time for everything.

The show, as chatty & verbose & garrulous & effusive as it is, is now over at the Self Help Radio website.  Oh, how I'd love it if you had to talk into your computer to tell the password, but we don't live in a crazy sci-fi world when things are voice activated, ha ha, are you nuts?  So you'll need to type SHR for the username & selfhelp for the password.  If you want to listen.  If you want to talk, just give me a call.

The songs I played are below.  Enjoy the show.  Talk to you later!

Self Help Radio Talk Show

"Talk" Bloods _Feelings_
"Talk Talk" Talk Talk _The Party's Over_
"Talk Talk Talk" The Ordinary Boys _Over The Counter Culture_
"Talk Talk Talk Talk" Love Is All _Nine Times The Same Song_

"Happy Talk" Ella Fitzgerald _Invite You To Listen & Relax_
"Talk To The Animals" Sammy Davis Jr. _Sings The Complete "Dr. Dolittle"_
"Animal Talk" Twink _The Broken Record_
"Elephant Talk" King Crimson _Discipline_
"Talk Talk" The Music Machine _Nuggets_

"Talkin'" Ty Segall _Ty Segall_
"Some Candy Talking" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Some Candy Talking EP_
"Did I Ever Tell You About The Man That Taught His Asshole To Talk" William S. Burroughs _Spare Ass Annie & Other Tales_
"Talk To Strangers" Saul Williams _Saul Williams_
"Talkin Trash" Betty Davis _Nasty Gal_

"Small Talk" Claudine Longet _Love Is Blue_
"Talking In The Dark" Elvis Costello _Taking Liberties_
"Too Much Talk" Gangway _Sitting In The Park_
"Talky-Talky" Young Bryan Superstar _The Young Bryan Superstar EP_
"Talking In Your Sleep" Rogue Wave _Cover Me_

"Girl Talk" Julie London _Feeling Good_
"Shop Talk" John Prine _Storm Windows_
"Short Exchanges" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Talk" Tacocat _Lost Time_
"Talk To Me" Cloud Nothings _Leave You Forever EP_

"Talk Show" Nots _We Are Nots_
"Talk To Me" Pere Ubu _The Tenement Year_
"Trash Talk" Stephen Colbert _I Am America & So Can You_
"You Can't Talk To The Dude" Jonathan Richman _I, Jonathan_
"Why Won't You Talk About It" The Radio Dept. _Lesser Matters_

"Talkin' Loud & Sayin' Nothing" James Brown _There It Is_
"School For Double Talk" Gary Owens _Put Your Head On My Finger_
"Talking Dirty" Eugene Mirman _The Absurd Nightclub Comedy Of Eugene Mirman_
"Talk To Your Doctor" Todd Barry _Super Crazy_

Whither A Talk Show?

(I found this image here.)

Just to be clear, this isn't an episode about talk shows.  I am just trying to break up the monotony of a single theme (in this case "talk") by adding the word "show" to it because Self Help Radio is a show.  Like, last week's show I called "an ordinary show."  I think that was last week's show.  I do that sort of thing from time-to-time.

How I wish I could do a show about talk shows!  I'm sure there are a few songs about famous shows & hosts.  Maybe I could just play clips from talk shows as if they were songs.  No, that's dumb.  But I'll keep it in mind: a show about talk shows sounds fun.

As I said earlier in the week on the show's Facebook page (where I often preview some of the songs I'll play on the show), the idea for this show mostly probably came around the time Mark Hollis died.  He was (in case you didn't know) the lead singer of Talk Talk & I wanted to have an excuse to play a song by him on the show.

There were two options: find a song that fit a theme or explore a theme I've been thinking about for a while: a show in which bands sing songs that have their names in them.  That would be fun, right?  Talk Talk have a song called "Talk Talk."  There are others.

Of course I instead opted to do a show about talking, so I could play the song "Talk Talk," which I first heard on the radio back in 1982 when new wave music sneaked onto commercial fm in the states for a brief period.  I loved it, & then I missed it, only rediscovering it after I'd gone to college & had a little bit of (student loan) money to buy used records.

That's why this week's show is a talking show.  One last thing: as much as it's probably somewhat easier to do broad themes, I really hate having to go through hours & hours of songs.  It's exhausting. I prefer narrower themes, thank you very much.

It's a talk show!  Tomorrow!  At noon!  At Self Help Radio dot net!  Guests TBA.

Preface To Talking: Me Talking

Anyone who's met me - or hell, even listened to the show - knows I'm a talker.  I can talk a lot & say very little.  I think I've always talked too much.

In third grade, at Caldwell Elementary School, my teacher, whose name I believe was Mrs. Carnes, she had no tolerance for chatty or squabbling kids.  If you were yapping uncontrollably, or if you were fighting, she'd put you on a little rug in the corner of the classroom, on which you'd sit & you couldn't say anything nor move.  She called it the "bicker rug."  & I spent a fair amount of time on that bicker rug.  Not for bickering though.

But I wanted to tell you two stories about how talkative I am.  The first involves a pen pal I got in twelfth grade.  I took first year French in twelfth grade for complicated reasons, involving me wanting to irk my mother, & also because I took two years of Latin & the school didn't have a third year program.  One aside: I took two years of Latin & remember very little of it.  That's kinda crazy when I think about it now.  I figure the class was pretty lame, & I remember the guys in the back corner cheating off me when we had pop quizzes, since I was probably the only person in class who memorized the vocabulary words the night before.  Another aside: I think I still have the textbook.  I liked it so much I stole it.  Anyway.

In French class we were able to get pen pals because you could write to a living person who spoke the language, unlike Latin where they encouraged you to write to priests & by the time I was in twelfth grade I was too old for them anyway.  (Sorry, stupid joke, can't help myself.)  I had three pen pals, two in France & one in Belgium.  The French girls were very silly & wanted to know how cute I was & I knew I wasn't & I stopped writing to them basically because they wanted to write in French.  I had just one year of French & I was probably not going to pursue it.

The Belgium girl however wanted to know about me & my life & my country & also she wanted to write in English.  So we stayed in touch.  All through college I would send her cassette tapes with music on them & some where I talked to her.  She did the same, & in fact, she once sent me a tape of a Dutch group called the Nits which I love to this day.

In 1992, I had the chance to go visit her, & I did, & it was an interesting journey & when we were in her room at her little co-op in Gent & I was looking through her record collection, I was blabbing away & she was looking at me quizzically & I said, "What is it?"  She said, "I didn't expect you to talk so much."

We still talk, I called her on her birthday this year & was reminded of that moment.  Because I was just yammering on & on.

There's one way to get me to stop talking, & that is to give me psychedelic drugs.  On acid I can't turn away from the experience enough to form thoughts.  The same is true on ecstasy.  In both cases I am so enraptured with what is happening in my head (& on e, with what's happening all over my body) that it takes me fucking forever to turn a thought into words.

My wife is the exact opposite.  She won't shut up.  Back in our druggy youth, I used to ask her to invite people over to keep her company while we were rolling because I simply couldn't keep up.  One friend of hers, with whom she was chatting during one of these times, noticed how quiet I was being, & I saw her whisper confidentially to the wife, "Is Gary okay?"

In typical Gary-on-drugs fashion, it took me a few minutes to process the experience & respond.  By then, they had moved on to other topics, so when I commented, they just laughed.

If you heard the show - was it last week's? the week before? - when I talked about my recent marijuana experience, you may recall I related a similar experience.  I was paying attention to what was going on in my brain - where there was an abundance of talking to be sure - & couldn't respond readily to the wife, which made her think something was wrong with me.  I did manage to tell her what I said on the show, which was this: I'd been through similar things before, I knew it would end eventually, she shouldn't worry.

It was probably the quietest evening she's had with me in a long time.

Baby Steps

So... I thought I had kinda cool news to tell you today...  I wanted to confirm it before I said anything...  You know how I told you yesterday I was going to shadow another deejay & I was technically allowed to sub at a station in Portland?  I thought I had been assigned a show to sub.  But I did ask the Program Manager & was told that actually, someone else took the show.

What I did do today is read an underwriting announcement & do a legal ID on the air.  It marks my first appearance on Portland radio.  Wanna hear it?

Well you can't.  Alas, it was in-between pre-recorded programming & the station does not archive that (since, you know, the program is available at its source).

Still, I was oddly nervous, & a little freaked out.  I mixed up the running order that was suggested to me - totally unconsciously - & then I was afraid I would be taken as contrary.

This particular place, I'm not entirely sure what's going on behind the scenes, but the programmers have all been quite nice.  They certainly enjoy what they're doing.

As soon as I know when or if I'll be on the air, I will let you know.  I thought it would be today!  It was not.

Impatience

Just a few minutes ago, I got an email from a station in town inviting me to a training session is two weeks.  Two weeks!  That's forever from now!

Tomorrow I'll go sit in at another station to get more familiar with their set-up because I am now qualified to sub there.  I'm hoping to get a chance to get on the air a bit before I even think about suggesting I do an actual show.

& I met someone who's involved at a third station, & he recommended I fill out a volunteer application online, & so I did, this weekend.  I haven't heard anything from them yet.

That's the problem.  I haven't been here for a month & I am so impatient for things to start happening.  Which is crazy because I waited over a year to get a show at KNON!

What's different is that these stations have orientations & directors who are tasked to communicate with & do outreach to get volunteers.  That was not present in Dallas.

More than anything I guess I'd love to have something more to do right now.  A reason to be out & about, a reason to explore.

But I can calm down a bit.  I have two things in the next two weeks & hopefully that will tide me over.

Also, you know, I live in a cool city now & I'm sure I'll find other stuff to do.

Self Help Radio 053119: An Obvious Show

(A bunch of signs stating the obvious, found here & here.)

It must be obvious that the show is back, on track, unpacked, & still cracked.  Is it any good? you may be wondering.  Well, was it ever?

While I continue to volunteer at two stations in Portland (continue - ha! - I've started at one & hope to get started at the other soon) (there are more details during the show), I will continue to podcast Self Help Radio on Fridays.  Different things may happen which may move the show to the weekend, but until such a change must be made, we will be as obvious as possible & stay where we are.  It's strange & nice to do the show in a new place!  I kinda miss my room in Fort Worth, but I've recreated it as best as I could here, & it's actually quieter here.  We don't live next to an air force base anymore.

Man, I've got the rambling bug today, wow.  You came here to listen to the show.  The songs I play are below.  The show is of course at Self Help Radio dot net.  Username is SHR, password is selfhelp.  Mostly things are the same.  The names haven't even been changed to protect the innocent!  This is truly an obvious show.

Self Help Radio's Obvious Show

"Obvious" Y Pants _Beat It Down_
"Obvious" The Liddles _Welcome To The Wetherbeat Scene 1988 - 1991_
"Obvious" Flare _Hung_

"Obvious" The Elephants _The Elephants_
"Obvious" Sophia _There Are No Goodbyes_
"Obvious" The Jeunes _Strangers In The Night_
"Obvious" John Watt _Realistic Man_
"Obvious" Check The Signs _This Time Around_

"It Is Obvious" Syd Barrett _Barrett_
"It's So Obvious" Wire _Pink Flag_
"It's Obvious" Au Pairs _Playing With A Different Sex_
"It's Only Obvious" The Orchids _Lyceum_
"It's Obvious" Chastity Belt _I Used To Spend So Much Time Alone_

"Obvious # 1" Robert Pollard _Mouseman Cloud_
"Obviousness" The Pulses _The Pulses_
"Obviously" The Chap _Well Done Europe_
"Obviously" The Bellybuttons _Practice Maps_
"Obviously Cold" The Answering Machine _Obviously Cold_

"Things Too Obvious To Sing" The Very Most _Things Too Obvious To Sing_
"Blue Obvious" Skating Polly _Skating Polly_
"Gagging On The Obvious" Ruby Pins _Ruby Pins_
"One Obvious Rule" Alias _Muted_
"It's So Obvious That I Love You" Sergio Mendes & Brasil '77 _Home Cooking_

"The Obvious Boy" Icecream Hands _You Can Ride My Bike: The Best Of Icecream Hands_
"The Obvious Child" Paul Simon _The Rhythm Of The Saints_
"Obvious Song" Joe Jackson _Laughter & Lust_
"Oblivious" Aztec Camera _High Land, Hard Rain_
"Obviousatonicnuncio" Of Montreal _Daughter Of Cloud_
"Obvious Love" Teen Suicide _It's The Big Joyous Celebration, Let's Stir The Honeypot_

Whither An Obvious Show?

(This is a logo for this company, but I thought it pretty appropriate for today's post.)

It's no secret that I spend a great deal of time on this show, even though you can't really tell because it's so damn shabby.  But it's also no secret that most of the time the themes I explore are random & uninspired.  It's a whole package!

Not this time.  Thanks to secret Vedic teachings, which I discovered in a Snapple cap, I have begun to work myself into a trance-like frenzy to awaken my inner child to harass my inner teenager to beg my inner adult to heighten my consciousness to an hallucinatory state which resembles lucid dreaming but which the ancients called "lucid waking" & in that state I enter my mind palace (which is more like a mind two bedroom bungalow) & I wander the place until I notice the ants, the ants crawling around, & the ants notice me, also crawling around, & we begin to follow each other, it's a circle, & if the ants are being mean, it's a vicious circle, & if I'm being a jerk to the ants, well anyway, at some point my heartbeat returns to normal, my blood pressure drops from seriously dangerous to pretty dangerous levels, & I wake as if from a blackout, or maybe from a knockout, & I see, written on my arm in bug-bite, a theme I apparently need to explore.

This is however not how "an obvious show" came about.  I can't remember why I wanted to do the show.  You'd think it would be obvious, but no, it's a mystery.

Hey!  I was packing shit up & getting ready to move across the country!  Get off my back!  What do you think you are, dream ants?

Tomorrow at noon - I swear! - an obvious Self Help Radio, at Self Help Radio dot net.

Do you know by the way something good for ant bites?

Preface To Obvious: Obviously, Quotes

It may surprise you that while there are plenty of songs the use the word obvious, there aren't a lot of songs that dwell on the term.  It's been a bit of an uphill climb finding tunes for this week's show.

But what about quotes?  Surely there are obvious quote about obviousness & being obvious?

You can find a bunch of them here.  Obviously, some are better than others.

However, I'll share with you two quotes I found in nice picture formats from A - Z Quotes dot com.  I did not make these myself.  Also, I haven't checked if the quotes are in fact accurately attributed.  Oh, internet.

Two Updates

Nothing special, I just needed a small amount of housecleaning over at web site.  Two items in particular:

1) I didn't update the "upcoming themes" portion on Friday because I was running late & forgot.  I know, how were you going to plan your life without knowing what Self Help Radio was going to be exploring in mid-June?  I apologize to the damage I did to you & your loved ones.  Check it out on the web site's front page.  June 21st's gonna be fuzzy!

& 2) I mentioned on the show that I tweaked the intro - I removed one sample & added another - so now if you go to the blog page where I announced the new intro & click on the link that says Here's the 2019 Self Help Radio intro (there or here), you'll hear the new intro, & not the old one.

That's all.  I spent the better part of the day working on this week's show so it won't be late.  & tomorrow I have a meeting with another radio station in town!

Passive Dreams In A Moving Vehicle

It doesn't feel like a Monday, but it is.  & I write here on Mondays.

Yet I have nothing really to write about.  It's been a beautiful day here in Portland & we've had guests for the past few days.  They wanted to do touristy things, so we did touristy things.  & we ate so freaking much good food.  There's a sign you see in Portland:

(I got this from Next Door.)  It is a campaign to keep the speed limit in the neighborhoods to 20mph.  But the wife & I have co-opted it to mean that we'll be gaining at least twenty pounds each thanks to the amazing food here.  Seriously, I think this place may be better than New York when it comes to the eating.

We walk the dogs twice a day, I think I mentioned this before, it's a little out of guilt since the backyard here is nowhere near as lovely as the one we had in Fort Worth.  Or should I say: nowhere near as big.  It's quite lovely everywhere here.  & everyone is closer to everyone else.

It feels to me that we drive as much - we drive to get places - but places are closer.  It's more dense, less sprawl.  & because it's not achingly hot here, people come out, they walk their dogs, they work on their lawns, to breathe the fresh air filtered by the amazing trees everywhere.

Oh! I have an assignment to do spots for KBOO.  I'll do them tonight.  I figured they wouldn't need them on the holiday weekend.

& that's pretty much it.  I hope to spend a little more time working on the show this week.  Last week's show seemed shabby, & I apologize for that.  I will attempt to do better.

Self Help Radio 052419: Paranoia

(Original image here.)

Golly I am so so sorry this week's show is late.  I promise it's not to make you paranoid.  It's three hours late where I am now so it's five hours late if you listened in Texas & seven hours late if you listened in Kentucky.  But it's here now.  Not that it's anything special!

The show is pretty straightforward, I have no guests this week.  I do have guests visiting in real life so please blame them.  They took up all my time & if they hadn't decided to go sightseeing today I'd be doing the show tomorrow.  & guess what?  It rained!

You can listen, if you're not too suspicious, at the show's website, selfhelpradio dot net.  Username is SHR, password is selfhelp.  The show is a bit more personal than usual, I talk about a paranoid experience involving drugs & I talk about looking for a place for the show here in Portland.  There's a lot of me talking is what I'm trying to say.  I'd apologize for that but I'm not done apologizing for the show being so late.  I'm so sorry!

Enjoy the paranoia.

Self Help Radio Paranoia Show

"Paranoia" Big Boy Pete _Homage To Catatonia_
"Paranoia" The Freeze _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_
"Paranoia" The Tranquillizers _Psycho Attack Over Europe!_

"Paranoid" The Januaries _The Januaries_
"Paranoia" Thorndike Pickledish _S. F. Bound_
"Paranoia" Holiday Ghosts _Holiday Ghosts_
"Paranoia" Latvian Radio _Pick Your Poison, Pick Your Blues_
"Paranoia" Liza Anne _Fine, But Dying_

"Paranoid" Wavves _Afraid Of Heights_
"Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid" Elefant _Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid_
"Paranoid World" Outrageous Cherry _Stay Happy_
"I'm Paranoid" Brett Newski _The Worst Of Brett Newski: Songs To Sink The American Dream_

"Talkin' John Birch Paranoid Blues" Bob Dylan _The Bootleg Series Vol. 6: Live 1964_
"Los Paranoias" The Beatles _The Beatles (White Album) (Deluxe)_
"Paranoids Anonymous" The Conception Corportation _Complete Conception_
"Too Much Paranoias" Devo _Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!_
"Amateur Paranoiac" Cleaners From Venus _A Dawn Chorus_

"Destroyer" The Kinks _Give The People What They Want_
"Paranoid Bait" White Fence _For The Recently Found Innocent_
"Paranoid" Shel Silverstein _Songs & Stories_
"Paranoia Mafia" Operation S _Operation S_
"Paranoia Man In Cheap Shit Room" The Fall _The Infotainment Scan_

"Johnny Paranoid (Live 1979)" Sado Nation _History Of Portland Punk, Vol. 1_
"Paranoia Perception" Dadistics _Paranoia Perception_
"Paranoid Anxiety Fantasy" Adam Quesnell _Can We Afford This Much Despair?_
"Paranoid Mind" Lords Of Gravity _Antipodean Screams, Vol. 2_
"Spirals Of Paranoia" Mekons _Retreat From Memphis_

"Win A Night Out (With A Famous Paranoiac)" Barry Andrews _Lost Pop Songs 78-80_

Whither Paranoia?

(I searched for "Steve Ditko" + "paranoia" & was not disappointed.  Image from here.)

Oh yeah, I need to get back into the habit of telling you why I'm covering a particular theme this week.  It was weird not doing so the past few weeks.  I found myself explaining to my cats why I was having this or that for lunch & they thought I was going insane.  Or maybe they didn't.  They're not so open with their feelings.  Sometimes I think they despise me.

Or am I being paranoid?  Is that a question you ask yourself every once in a while?  As a master of second-guessing (with a minor in third-guessing), it's not uncommon for me to imagine there are things about which I am unaware that will screw up or otherwise waylay my plans or desires.  For example.  Here's an example.

Here in Portland, there's a radio station I'd like to volunteer with.  The web site asks that you send a "resume" & let them know what you're interested in helping out with at the station.  I did so, I mentioned all the work I've done at other stations & included a link to the Self Help Radio website.  & since then, nothing.  Once I arrived in Portland, I sent another email as a kind of reminder, but I didn't want to be pushy.  No response.  A few days later I called & asked if there were an office I could visit to say hello.  The person on the phone took my number but never called.

It's natural for me to feel like I've been rejected, that the folks at the station took the time to read the email & said, "Nope, let's not have this guy at our station."  Is that paranoid?  Is it more likely that it's a small radio station with limited staff who are busy broadcasting & are not making my request a priority?  I don't know.  At this point I'm a little nervous about reaching out again, at the risk of being seen as a bother.

It's a cool station.  I think Self Help Radio would fit in.  There are other options for radio in Portland - which I am actively seeking out - but there's something about this station - especially since they seem to be playing hard-to-get - that makes me want to get involved more.

There's a better paranoid story that I am saving for the show - which happens at noon tomorrow over at the lonesome Self Help Radio website.  That's noon Pacific time, by the way.  I have no idea how early or late it is where you are!

Preface To Paranoia: I'm Not Just Being Paranoid

The word "paranoid" came up a lot today.  I have a story about paranoia & me that I am saving for the show.  It's been fascinating reading up on paranoia for the program, there's too much information & I'm not sure how I'll organize it or whether I'll get to most of it but I did discover this:

The famous phrase "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you" - which you have heard in many permutations such as "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong" or "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not being followed" - even Henry Kissinger apparently said "Even a paranoid can have enemies" - the whole idea being that paranoia isn't necessarily an imaginary condition -

That first phrase comes from Joseph Heller's Catch-22.  A book, I confess, I own but have not read.

Now I'm feeling a little paranoid.

New Intro Time Again Again Again Again Again Again Again!

It's that time again - time for a new intro for the show.  I tend to put together a new intro every May.  Why?  Because at KOOP, the new "season" (back when they had two six-month blocks of shows) began in May, & by the time I was at WRFL, that's when the summer schedule began.

Normally it happens around the beginning of May, but during that week I was getting ready to move across the country.  & so, since this Friday will be the first new show in a while, I figured I needed a new intro.  & here it is.

Wait, no fanfare?  Just a link.  All right.

Here's the 2019 Self Help Radio Intro.

Want to hear the other intros?  In seventeen years of show, I've made sixteen.  This is how I spend my life.

You can listen to the 2002 intro (my first!) here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

You can listen to the 2011 intro here.

You can listen to the 2012 intro here.

You can listen to the 2013 intro here.

You can listen to the 2014 intro here.

You can listen to the 2015 intro here.

You can listen to the 2016 intro here.

You can listen to the 2017 intro here.

You can listen to the 2018 intro here.

Oh gosh, I hope it's fine - you'll hear it at the beginning of every show for the next year!

Two Stray Observations About Portland

Here are two things I have noticed in my two short weeks in Portland, & these are not new revelations for anyone probably.

One: the beard game is strong in this town.  A fellow said hello to one of our dogs tonight & the wife said, "His beard is amazing!"  We discussed how I couldn't grow such a beard, & certainly she was a bit sad about that.

Two: this is a dog & dog owner's town.  We live within walking distance of two parks which feature dog parks of dog play areas.  This has made our Pauline very, very happy.

Again, I'm not pretending I'm the first person to discover this.  But if I had heard about such things before, I simply filed them away & didn't dwell.  In just two weeks, however, both facts have become blindingly obvious.

That is all.

Self Help Radio 051719: May 17th

Amazingly, there have been five episodes of Self Help Radio that have happened on May 17th!

The themes explored were: in 2008, Lemons: in 2010, What Happened?; in 2013,
Caesar; in 2016, Attack!; & lastly, in 2017,
Firsts.

& you know what?  I am making them all available in case you want to listen back over ten years, just because there hasn't been a Self Help Radio in nearly six week and in anticipation of next week's return!

So:  You can click theses links to listen to the href="http://www.selfhelpradio.net/2008.html#lenomz">Lemon
show: part one & part two.
To listen to the What Happened? show, choose either part one & part two.

You feeling like some imperial Rome-y?  Try the Caesar show: part one & part two.

Does it feel like an attack is coming on?  You're just thinking of the Attack! show, which you can hear in two parts: part one & part two.

Our maybe you believe first will be last, as is the case here.  The show about Firsts, which aired just two years ago, can be listened to like this: part one & part two.

That's five shows of nonsense from (I believe) three or maybe four different radio stations, spanning nine years of Self Help Radio!

(Please remember, you'll need to know that the username is SHR & the password is selfhelp to listen to any of the shows.)

There's A New Intro A-Comin'

Yeah, so, a few years ago, I started making new intros for my show - it's been a year since the last one, more or less - I tend to do them in May since, back in the day, it was when the new semester began at WRFL - it was also when the new "season" began at KOOP - although I am told they don't do that anymore - anyway, it became the regular thing for me to do, to make a new intro in May, & hey!  Guess what?! It's May!

Tonight I made the first meal in our new house - the pots & pans were unpacked on this very day - & gosh if only I carried a camera on me in some device that could double as a phone I'd take pix to show you how I've already unpacked my music library.  To tell the truth, I am feeling like I'm a bit behind with pretty much everything.  But I made food tonight!  I swear!

There'll be a show in about a week.  It won't be on the Portland airwaves but there will be Gary in the air in Portland soon enough.  I hope.  I want to promise.  But I can't.

But there will be a new intro for you to preview in the next few days.  That's for sure.

Busy Day

Lots of stuff still unpacked.  We ate out again tonight though I planned to make food.

It rained most of the day, but nothing too drenchy.  Walked the hounds in the morning, again at night, with the sun peeking through the clouds in the west.  Will I ever get used to the chilly spring again?

Went for a meeting at a local station & signed up to volunteer.  I am not going to be specific just yet but I am not entirely sure this station's for me.  Still, everyone was very nice & the fact that I've been involved with noncommercial radio for twenty-five years seems a big draw.  Will probably start volunteering in a week.

A couple of days ago I did purchase legally some edibles from a dispensary but keep forgetting to eat them.  I've not been much of a marijuana guy but I figure, when in Portland, do as the Portlanders do. & they must do pot a lot.  I have seen one liquor store & there are dispensaries on nearly every block.

Our new cable service has a voice-search command.  It's very weird to watch the wife enunciate into a remote control, "What. We. Do. In. The. Shadows."  But it seems to work.

New Self Help Radio in t-minus nine days & counting.  Oh shit, I need to work on a new intro!

Our Stuff Arrived Today

It's true, I went to go shopping & came back to see a giant moving van in front of our rental unloading all our stuff.

Before & after dinner, I put my shelves together & started unloading my CDs.  I'm about 3/5th of the way done, but I need to stop for the night.

The wife decided where her sofa should go, put out the pillows & cushions, turned on the television, & promptly fell asleep.

Tomorrow at noon I have a meeting with one of the stations I hope to volunteer with.  I am looking forward.

Our Stuff Hasn't Arrived Yet

Also I wish the radio stations I've contacted here would get back to me.  I am thinking on Wednesday I might just show up & say hello.

Otherwise it's been great.  Sunny but not hot, lots of walking around, too many places to find good food.  Our neighbors are great, too - they brought us banana bread tonight.  & they like our dogs & cats.

There'll be a new Self Help Radio in a little over a week.  I wonder if I'll be ready for that?

Portland, Oregon

(I've seen this sign close up! But I stole this image from here.)

Yes, we arrived safely.  Our internet was turned on today but it was a busy day but I thought as we creep into nighttime - most of you have already gone to bed - I should give one last update before I return to talking about a radio show which hasn't been on the radio for over a year & which might not be on the radio any time soon.  Thank you for indulging me as I ramble about our ramblings.

Before I go into dumb detail about our journeys, I want to give props to the wife for her amazing skill at sneaking cats into hotel rooms.  At the place in Twin Falls, the clerk told us we'd need to keep the dogs in crates if we left the room.  The wife said, "No problem.  We bring their crates in."  & she did, although of course inside said crates were three freaked-out cats.  There's a thrill - it's kinda like being naughty, isn't it - to being involved in something that feels like a caper.  Although of course the cats disappeared in our tiny hotel room & we had to turn everything over & upside down to find them before we left.  Note to self: add thirty minutes to prep time if you're taking cats anywhere.

Despite getting a decent night's sleep, I got sleepy driving through Idaho's farmlands & was grateful when we made it to Boise.  Boise is a lovely little town - the wife felt it was quite Lexington-like - & we found a vegan-friendly place that made delicious sandwiches.  We ate outside with the dogs begging for food at our feet, & we made sure the cats in the minivan were parked in the shade.  It was a lovely day & quite chilly so I was surprised when I overheard that it gets over one hundred degrees there in the summer.  "For just three weeks," the person next to us told me.  I figured that was better than three months!

Western Oregon didn't start feeling like the Oregon I expected until we found our way north to the Columbia.  What a joy to drive alongside that mighty river, that Woody Guthrie song in my head as I marveled at it.  Soon the trees became prominent & the wife was calling to tell me that the place reminded her of Santa Cruz, where she was an undergraduate.  (She also told me that the previous farmland reminded her of Sacramento & nearby environs.)  We stopped a couple of times, in Baker City, where they let me pump my own gas (to the horror of people we told in Portland), & at a rest stop, where I made the wife leave the minivan on because it had gotten warm out.  Cooked cats were not on the menu for our destination.

It's true, it got hot!  Portland's been in the 80s the past week.  I didn't mean to bring Texas weather here but I have asked it to leave.  I am not looking forward to lots of rain but I would not trade that for six months of heat.

We arrived around five, met our next-door neighbor, a specialist in fonts named Thomas, & his sweet hound Bella, & after we had carried things in, we went for a walk.  It's true!  We were exhausted, we were discombobulated, we were barely coherent, but we took our hounds for a walk.  Pauline in particular had grown very tired of the drive, it was important to let her know her life was not in fact a car ride five hundred miles a day.

It cooled down, we enjoyed wandering around on a Friday night in a lively town, I wanted to get some whiskey, & on our way back from a liquor store, we passed a taqueria (this place) which had a prominent vegan/vegetarian menu, so we got food.

We ate & watched tv shows on Hulu & wanted to settle down to some kind of normal.  Except.  Our stuff won't arrive till Tuesday.  & this place we're renting - it wasn't easy to find a place that would accept all our animals - it's expensive & it's big.  We have four bedrooms & three bathrooms.  & so far only the cats have truly taken advantage of our delightful spaciousness.  & they spent most of the first day using it to hide from us.

Though today (Saturday) has been punctuated by dogwalks (one of them took us to this delightful place which is like a ten minute walk from where we live), I did spend a good deal of today asleep.  I don't often feel like the fifty-one-year-old that I am, but extreme fatigue caught up with me & I'm sure the heat didn't help, nor the long dog walks.  But I will say that I love that it's still spring here, & especially in this area we live, people have let their lawns & gardens grow wild, & it's an explosion of colors & fragrances & I swear I'm not talking about all the hippie types that live in this town.

Tonight we spent some time on the porch with our sweet neighbors & talked about British sitcoms & Marvel movies & our dogs cuddled with their daughters & all felt right with the world.  The cats have decided to spend time downstairs with us & they seem happy & as I write this the dogs are spent.

Thanks for reading this, I hope to have updates about volunteering at local community radio stations soon.  But no matter what happens, this town feels like the right place to end up.  The wife & me & the animals - we're great.  & tonight the windows are open & despite my nap (& perhaps because of the whiskey) I'm feeling sleepy.  Good night.

Twin Falls, Idaho

(Not Twin Falls, but Shoshone Falls in Twin Falls, image from here.)

Boy, after driving through the middle of Utah, the rest of the trip suffered from the comparison.  & driving up I-15 to I-84, through Utah into Idaho, one is exposed to many different kinds of natural beauty.  But gosh the area around Arches National Park is gorgeous!

Here's something you might not know: the speed limit in Utah & Idaho on major highways is eighty frickin' miles an hour.  That's really, really fast.  I joked with the wife that the reason is, the people who make the rules know drivers want to get out of these states as soon as possible.  But it's amazing, there's virtually no one on these roads.

We started out early, we were in a caravan of folks leaving Moab until we turned onto I-70 & everyone else went... somewhere else?  At some point the only car I could see (going either direction) was the big red Chrysler Pacifica behind me, driven maybe by cats as the wife napped?

Speaking of, the cats were very comfortable this morning & last night we blocked hiding places so they were easily nabbed & put into their carriers.  Bolan again was the most agitated - I heard him every time I talked to the wife.  The dogs were fine, although I think they are getting quite tired of the long drives.  I looked at Pauline today & I felt like I could see in her eyes that she was thinking, "This is my life now."  Except!  Wherever we stopped - outside a convenience store, at an Idaho rest stop, here in Twin Falls - she was excited & she wanted to smell everything & she pulled to go, go, go.  She's now asleep on my side of the hotel bed, she's so worn out.  I'd sleep in the chair tonight but two cats are doing that.

My favorite part of the drive was the winding road (I think it was 191) from Green River up towards Salt Lake City.  We were driving through mountains, there was a small but agitated river alongside the highway, & a pair of train tracks as well, including cool-ass tunnels for the tracks blasted through the rocks.  I felt like I was going too fast - the wife later scolded me - but I'll bet there were people behind us on the road grumbling about elderly Texas drivers.

Salt Lake City is a big place & the traffic was as bad as in Dallas.  We stopped at a nice vegan restaurant in the gay section of town (the cross street was Harvey Milk Blvd) & discovered a vegan donut shop next door.  We ate in a little park nearby & nearly froze to death.  It's quite cold up here - I forget that you can still be chilled in parts of this country in the month of May.

In fact, we saw snow not just on the mountains but on the ground in parts of northern Utah!

We didn't see any Mormon places in SLC, the wife asked me where the Tabernacle was, but I had no idea, we just drove straight through.  Five hundred miles & all that.  I almost didn't make it - the wife saw me swerving a bit on the last leg of the trip, assumed correctly I was on my last leg, & called me & made me talk.  I don't think I fell asleep, but I was feeling like I should close my eyes a bit.

Two things I should mention: the wife wondered about the constant use of the beehive on the state's signs, which I looked up & told her about.  The other is the weird street names - I had heard about the beehive before, Utah is called the Beehive State for pete's sake - every street in SLC is numbered in the hundreds.  As I have just discovered, it is in fact a Mormon thing.

In any event, we made it to Twin Falls all right, & Magda said, "This is the ugliest place we've been to on the trip."  She wasn't talking about the falls or Snake River - we'd take the dogs down to the river once we sneaked the cats in & unpacked, & once we were down there, we found it breathtaking - she meant that the place was all box stores & fast food joints & big trucks.  It reminded her of D/FW I'm sure.

The dogs were very excited & we had a great walk.  I don't understand why I am not tired right now.  We ate more food we brought ("vegan options" is not a phrase commonly found in Idaho, I'd wager) & the wife fell asleep surrounded by hounds & cats & is now snoring like a drunken lumberjack.  Not really, but if you let her know I said that, you can get me into some trouble, which may lead to hilarious shenanigans.

Tomorrow is our longest drive, & we'll get to Portland late.  We traveled there in March, you may or may not know, & we found a place, so we have a home to go to.  It's too freakin' big, but we needed a place that would accept our animals & fortunately we found one.  The weather there is supposed to be very Texas-y - a high of 89 tomorrow & Saturday! - but we'll be there for the weekend & it'll give us time to explore.  Anyway, we found out our furniture & stuff won't arrive till Tuesday.

Speaking of: I hope I haven't bored you too much with this shabby travelogue, but you've been spared another one.  We won't have cable & internet when we arrive, therefore I don't know when I'll be able to write a long, tedious description of what I've been doing.  I'll post something on Facebook but I'm not trying to compose something like this on my phone.  Although I suppose I'll written some novella-length texts in my time.  Which means: we'll see.

Tomorrow, Portland!

Moab, Utah

(Main Street in Moab around the last time I was here.  Ain't like that now!  Image from here.)

Moab, Utah, holds a special place in my heart.  I first visited here I believe in 1994 with my friend Lauren.  Our friend Abbie was working as a park ranger at Arches National Park at the time & it seemed a good excuse to come camp & hike.  (I believe Abbie also gave us her reservations at Canyonlands that same trip, so we camped there, too.)  I came back in 1995 & dropped Lauren off - she & I camped for a night I believe, then I went to California, but I picked her up when I returned.

There's simply nothing like the landscape around here.  It's not something one forgets & yet I was surprised how unreal it seems compared to memory.

Moab was a sleepy little town the last time I was here.  No more!  The Main Street is bustling, there are apartments being built on the outskirts of town, there are restaurants & businesses I don't remember seeing the last time I was here - which was twenty-four years ago, mind you.  Wikipedia says Moab in the 1990s had around 4,000 residents, & the current population is over 5,000.  But just walking down the street today, I saw far more tourists than I remember seeing in the 1990s - & far less granola/hippie types.  (It's good to know that they have a community radio station now, though.)

None of this is terribly important because I'm supposed to be writing about my journey from Texas to Oregon, but I was stunned - stunned! - at how bustling the place seemed.  When we were first here, Abbie took me & Lauren to a tiny vegetarian restaurant (that doesn't seem to exist today) where we saw Woody Harrelson!  Now there are chain motels & a craft beer place.  & there was actual traffic getting here.*

Because it was a mostly quiet drive from Santa Rosa to Moab.  Even Albuquerque didn't seem too busy.  But the trip took longer than usual because, except for I-40, most highways were the kind which went through towns, where we were subjected to reduced speeds & traffic lights.  & sporadic rain.  That has nothing to do of course with the route, but we did hear so much about the storms in Fort Worth (& all over Texas) that we feared we'd be driving into tornadoes or hurricanes or I don't know earthquakes.  The wife & I chatted less on the drive than yesterday because we drove through "dead zones," where, as she put it, "there were no bars on the phone."

Many of the areas were Indian lands, which prompted me to tell the wife this terrible joke:

"Hey, Magda, did you know that New Mexico almost didn't join the United States?"
"I didn't know.  Why not?"
"They had reservations."

She hung up on me & blamed it on the lack of cell reception.

One other funny moment happened when we stopped at a truck stop, & I was offered some snack foods when I bought a soda, a two-for-one deal, & I just said, "No, I don't need that kind of temptation in my life."  I amused the clerk quite a bit with that comment.

The dogs were fine, they were with me of course.  Pauline, our lanky beagle girl, was initially not very happy with the lack of grass in these desert areas, but she adjusted.  The cats were not, however, as happy.  In the hotel room last night, Boone found a way through a hole in the box springs to hide under the bed, so at five am we were looking for him in the hallways of the hotel.  & they very reluctantly returned to the carriers.  Okay, they fought us.  & whenever I talked to the wife, I could hear Bolan complaining in the background.  She said she often stuck her fingers in his carrier (it was in the area just behind her seat) & he would rub his face on them & calm down a little.

Once in the hotel, they were all fine.  We took the dogs for a walk & got a vegan pizza & were lost in the midst of all kinds of tourists: campers, off-road bicyclists, jeep enthusiasts, travelers, the like.  Pauline loves meeting new people, so she was happy to say hello to whomever she could - a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses stationed outside the visitors' center were waylaid by her charms, & we were gone before they could even begin to tell us their version of the Good News.  For her part, the grumpy Yoko was too overwhelmed to bark at everyone so she barked at no-one, which prompted the wife to muse that maybe she'd be a good big city dog after all.  Maybe we'll test that hypothesis on long walks in Portland!

It was a long day & everyone is pooped.  There are no hiding places in the room for the cats so they're just lying around kinda spitefully.  The hotel lets us open the window a tad, which is fine - you forget how cold it gets at night in the desert! - & we had our pizza & now we're winding down.  Just two more days of this.  The wife is yelling at someone from Spectrum on the phone because they're charging us for something & she won't have it.  A second ago Bolan tried to jump from the floor onto the desk where my computer is, he didn't quite make it, & one of his back legs used the soft but sturdy tissue of my forearm to finish the leap.  I probably should put some neosporin or something on it.  It's quite bloody.

Tomorrow: Idaho!

* The wife wanted cookies so we walked to a nearby supermarket around 9:30 & the city had quieted down considerably.  Ten pm seems to be when it goes to sleep.  But I wonder if old-timers are a little freaked out by the late hours these days!

Santa Rosa, New Mexico

(This is where we are.  Image from here.)

We made it.  516 miles.  Three dogs & me in a tiny Prius.  Three cats & the wife in a rented minivan. (A Chrysler Pacifica if you really want to know.)  The wife was happy because it had Sirius radio, & she loves the First Wave channel.  I am exhausted.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep, which is par for the course.  I get anxious before trips - my first trip by car to this part of the world, I spent the night until I collapsed from exhaustion around 3am thumbing through a Mapsco deciding the best route.  (This was in 1995, in the days before GPS.)  Then, as this morning, I woke at six.  It's 9pm New Mexico time, & I am running on fumes.  Which is great!  I'll sleep like the dead tonight.

We planned to leave at eight but it took a little longer to get the house cleaned & our shit packed - kudos to the wife for putting four & half times as much as realistically possible into the minivan - & so far the only thing we left behind was Magda's lunch.

It was sad to let the house go.  It's a lovely place, & I know even though they really can't miss it, the dogs (especially Pauline) are going to miss the beautiful yard.  I think my anxiousness about last night was equal parts going from the house & going to Portland.  The wife put so much work & so much of herself into the house & it was the most comfortable place I've ever lived.  Even after all our belongings were taken away on Thursday, I would find myself going to this room or that as I had been doing for two or more years, out of habit, surprised that my stuff wasn't there anymore.

But I love moving, I love going to new cities, I am very excited about getting to know Portland.  It's not that I have wanderlust per se, I just wish I could relocate every two or three years & spend time in a new place.

The dogs - who doubtless thought we were just going to the park - were easily cajoled into the car.  The cats, however, were freaked out - we put them in an empty room while we packed up & it unnerved Bolan, who was quite frantic.  Bronte & Boone hid in an empty closet, & they were easily grabbed & put into carriers.  Bronte & Bolan shared a large one, Boone had to be by himself in a regular-sized one.  The wife tells me that Bolan complained occasionally throughout the drive, & when we stopped & I checked on them, Bolan was meowing to get out while Boone & Bronte stayed in the back of the carriers.  I wish I could have trained them to be walked like dogs!

We hit the road after 9, I got to hear a bit of my friends Pippin & Carole begging for money on the show I used to do, the Tuesday Morning Blend.  They were much, much better at it than I was, & I was glad they were doing it & not me.  The route began on I-30 till it became I-20 & wound its way through Weatherford, past Mineral Wells, through Abilene, & made a right onto 84 at Sweetwater.  Thanks to the magic of cell phones, the wife & I talked a great deal of the drive, although I did listen to some new records, & a collection of Momus tunes I made so I could sing along.  I didn't listen to any podcasts or books on tape, though I brought those, too - I just really love to listen to music when I drive.

We made a promise to stop every hour or so, for everyone but the cats to go pee, & we pretty much kept the schedule.  We stopped outside Abilene to eat lunch - we brought a lot of food, since we ate out with friends pretty much the entire last week we were in Fort Worth (though, as I've said, the lunch Magda prepared for herself last night was left, we later realized, by our unused fireplace).  While I was eating my sandwich, I met a fellow at a gas station who had a pro-beagle bumper sticker & I also met his beautiful sixteen-year-old beagle named Buster.  The guy was so obviously pro-beagle that Winston, who is famously stingy with his love, gave him a lick when the fellow put his face close to Winston's.

The route took us around, & not through, Lubbock - which seems to have more wind turbines than oil derricks these days, hooray! but the same amount of stockyards, so boo!  - & we had to improvise to find a gas station, which we did, in a town called Littlefield, at a service station on Waylon Jennings Road.  Would you believe I was listening to Townes Van Zandt when we drove up?  I was, but you don't have to believe it.  It began to rain as we left, & the very gregarious cashier told us bad weather was coming.  How did she know? I asked.  She said, "I don't watch TV!  It's just what people tell me!"

She's very good, it turns out.  We later discovered we just missed a storm which included a tornado watch.  We had escaped over the border to New Mexico by then.

The highway was smaller, & we had to drop from 75 mph to 35 mph in a matter of fractions of a mile from time-to-time.  That happens in Texas, too, of course, & also there are generally cops there to give tickets to the unwary.  About an hour from Santa Rosa - in a town called Fort Sumner - we met a young woman who was moving from Washington State - the wife noticed her license plates - to Austin (we asked).  We talked about the Austin that we knew & she admitted that she was moving reluctantly - her husband recently got a job there.  Magda thought I might sympathize but nope!  There isn't a lot of reluctance with this move.

Highway 84 took us to Santa Rosa & I noticed we were in a new time zone.  It is earlier than it once was.  We sneaked the cats into the hotel room - luckily our room was near the back door - hey, we paid extra for three dogs! - & they were pretty unhappy.  It's been a few hours & they've finally come out to eat. They still don't know what to make about the noise in the hallway, but I think they'll be fine - although I am not entirely sure they won't hide when it's time to go.

The hotel is on what used to be Route 66, so we walked the dogs a mile or so down the road & back & I took a lot of pictures of cool signs & abandoned places, two of my favorite things.  I'll post the ones I like best at some point - to my personal Facebook page & to the show's Tumblr blog - but knowing how long it takes me to get through my pictures, I'll be settling into regular life in Portland by the time they make their appearances.  Hey!  I take a lot of dumb pictures!  I go through them chronologically!  They remind me how much I forget things!

For dinner, we ate leftover enchiladas I made in Lexington*.  There are not a lot of vegan choices in Santa Rosa.  Let me rephrase that.  There are hardly any vegan choices in Santa Rosa.  Might I try again.  I would be surprised if there were vegan choices in Santa Rosa.  The enchiladas were good.  If I don't say so myself.  Though I just did.

It's earlier than I feel, but I am exhausted.  The wife has already fallen asleep.  I had last driven in this part of the world maybe twenty-five years ago, & for some reason back then I usually drove around here at night.  But the desert is lovely in its way & I've missed it.  Like Jonathan Richman says, "When I'm in the desert, I wanna see the desert some more."

Luckily we're driving up into Utah tomorrow!

*  (I wrote this sentence at the end of a very long day; of course I meant Fort Worth)

Last Day In Texas

Sort of.  I'll be here until the morning.  I'll take your questions now.

Are you having too many feels?

Strangely enough, no.  I'm looking forward to this next adventure.

How long will the trip take?

Four long days of driving, about five hundred miles a day.

Why are you driving?

In addition to the human I live with, I'll be bringing along the six cats & dogs who live with me, too.  Most of them are afraid of flying.  The rest like road trips.  None of them could afford the bus.

That's a lot of animals crammed into a little car, isn't it?

Oh, we're renting a minivan.  Dividing the cats & dogs.

Are you camping or what?

We're staying in motels.

Which ones?

Why are you being so creepy?

What if I were, you know, nearby?

You're basically just me inventing questions!

Oh yeah.

But.  We're going to be in Santa Rosa, New Mexico, on the first night; Moab, Utah, the night after that; Twin Falls, Idaho, the third night; & Portland finally on Friday night.

Hey, I'll be in Moab when you will be!

No, you won't.

We should hang.

We're done here.

Self Help Radio 050319: May 3rd

For no reason I can readily discern, there have been a lot of Self Help Radio episodes on May 3rd.  If the show has been on for eighteen years - & it has - that's a total of one May 3rd show every three years.  & here they are:

In 2006, the theme explored was Painters, Painting, & Painters Painting. (That's a theme I'd like to revisit some day.)

In 2010, & this was one of my favorites, it was Miss Brown.  There were a surprising amount of songs about women with the last name "Brown."

In 2011 - just a year later! - the theme was "bounce."  I don't know why I felt the need to put the word bounce in quotation marks when I haven't done that for any other theme, but there you go.

In 2013, it was necks - see, no quotation marks! - & just three years ago it was bees.  A year later, the theme was Turn It & now I'm wondering, why did I capitalize that particular theme?  Who knows.

What you're thinking now is, can I listen to any of these shows?  The answer is, yes!  But not all of them.  I found a treasure trove of old shows on cassette recently but they're in a box now on the way to Oregon.

The shows you can listen to are: the bees show, part one & part two.

Plus: the turn it show, part one & part two.

Remember! You'll need a password & a username, one of which is SHR & the other of which is selfhelp.  I got that backwards but it's not hard, flip it around if you get it wrong the first time.

There's a real relief on my end that I didn't do another May 3rd show today.  There have been too many.  For a May 3rd, anyway.

Empty House Blues

Five days before we leave - five days! - movers came & took almost everything in our house away.  As I write this, I am standing (not sitting) at the kitchen counter where my computer is.  We have two chairs we've saved, but the counter is too high & I feel like a child trying to figure out a parent's or older sibling's login information, my hands seemingly above my head.  But doing it standing up isn't really any better.  Perhaps I should sit down.

Why, you may ask, are we sending our stuff on ahead of us?  First of all, it'll actually arrive the day after  we get there.  That's because they move lots of folks' things.  & there are only so many hours in the day to gather up a household & put it in a big truck.  The fellows today - who commended my wife on her packing prowess, prompting her to ask them if she could get that in writing, maybe perhaps on a certificate - were here from around 8 till around 1.

Second of all, it was a little about comfort.  We had to make the decision whether we'd want to be here, in our familiar home, obviously without a sofa or bed to sleep on, but still, the place we've lived for over two years (we're sleeping on one of these), in a more or less chill setting, than adding extra weird complications to an already weird night: first evening in a new place.

The house seems huge without anything in it.  I keep wanting to wander into my room to check stuff on my computer - even though I am writing on that very computer in the kitchen!  & it reminds me that it's a lovely house.  I've loved living in it.  But I don't know if I love it enough to stay - in Texas, where it's going to get very hot very soon; in Fort Worth, which is a fine place, but I wish were as cool as Dallas, & closer to Dallas; in a place where I can't do Self Help Radio.  A house is a home, but home is where the heart is.  & my heart wants to be somewhere else.

Do I have the Empty House Blues?  Nah.  I am looking forward to whatever's around the corner.

Bolan's Thirteenth

My cat Bolan turns 13 today, a very lucky age for a black cat.  He has issues with his urinary tract (I hope he doesn't mind me telling you) so he eats a special food, but I gave him wet food today, which he very much enjoyed - the dish was cleaner when he was done than it was when I put the food in!

He's a precious thing, brought home when he was a kitten from a vet clinic where he was waiting to be adopted.  Despite have two other cats in the house, he glommed on to our beagles Ringo & George, & he's been much more doglike than catlike in his life.

It occurs to me I've written about him on the blog before, especially when I did a Halloween show about black cats.  (Many pictures of Bolan there!)

Two other times here on the blog I focused on him: once in 2012 when I was sharing pictures of my pets & again in 2017 when I did a "meet my pets" series.

He's a sweetheart, the only cat unafraid of visitors, & definitely willing to eat your hair if you sit still on the sofa.

Happy birthday, old man!  Stay with us for a while, please!

Yesterday In Boxes

A week from now I should be in New Mexico, in a small town a hundred miles from Albuquerque, which happens to be around five hundred miles from where I am now.  The place we'll be living in Portland is over two thousand miles away so we're going to need to drive five hundred miles a day to make it.  We'll be in two cars, our own & a rented minivan.  The plan now is to have the dogs drive with me, & the cats in the minivan.  They will be in carriers, to minimize stress.  The dogs will sleep as they always do in the backseat.

As for me, I'm a little leery of such long drives.  It has to be done, & we'll do it, & we won't be driving through densely populated areas, so it should be fine.  When we drove from Memphis to Fort Worth nearly three years ago, we arrived in town on a Friday at four pm.  It took longer, it seemed, to get from Dallas to Fort Worth than from Texarkana to Dallas.

Today I finished packing up my cassettes.  I found a whole lot of old radio shows, most of them from my KVRX days.  Way back when I did my seventeenth anniversary show, I tried to find a copy of the original show to digitize to share.  I found it, actually.  It was in another box with all my other radio shows.  I listened, briefly, to a couple of them.  I feel like I should digitize them - who knows when the cassettes will finally give out? - but I don't think I'll listen to them any more than I do my current shows.  & no one else really wants to listen to them, do they?

A few years back - it's been ten years! - when we moved from Huntington to Lexington, I gave away most of my vinyl.  (If I had known how beloved vinyl was at WRFL, I would've waited to donate it to that station.)  I now have three boxes of it, including my singles.  I really thought I'd have more.  I have five of the same boxes of cassettes.  I really need to have less.  & oh shit, where the hell are my videotapes?

Also I started packing my CDs.  That'll be done early tomorrow.  The movers come to take all of that away on Thursday, & then - we have an empty house for a few days.  It's going to be quite strange.

It's all going to be strange, until it isn't.  It's such an adventure, this moving.  I guess I never felt like I'd stay in Fort Worth forever.  Anyway.  Enough of this.  More packing to do.

Today's News

One: I got new glasses.  They're progressive lenses, so I imagine I will have difficulties.

Two: I am going to see Endgame.  The movie is seventeen hours long.  So, you know.  My day is shot.