Random thoughts & other unrelated information from the dude who does "Self Help Radio" - a radio show which originated in Austin, Texas & now makes noise in Portland, Oregon. Listen to new & old shows & look at playlists at selfhelpradio.net.
Monday, November 16, 2020
Whither Unknown?
Sunday, November 15, 2020
Preface To Unknown: I Was Remembering Really Sad Stuff
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Recently Seen In The Storm
Fist-fight in the downpour. Mostly feints, rain gets in the eyes.
Who challenged whom? Was it the sort of thing that happened because of a sleight, or was it something that had been building for a while, finally erupting into dumb violence?
We are the passers-by, pretending not to notice, we have no context.
Surprised, really, by the lack of words. Have words failed? No yelling, no posturing, just two somewhat young men with fists up, determined, as rain falls.
You lean closer to say something, but I can't take my eyes away. They were in the street but now they're on the grass, the mud is making them clumsy, they're more likely to slip & fall than fell one another with punches.
Do they notice we've slowed to watch? Is this why they stop? Or has sense prevailed?
One walks away. Spits on the ground as he does. Mutters something I think is "Fuck you."
The other turns, he seems more embarrassed than relieved. He doesn't appear to know where he is. He just starts walking, turns around, walks in a diagonal across the street.
One of our dogs barks at him. He doesn't seem to notice.
Friday, November 13, 2020
Photographs Of Places I've Lived # 10: This Corner House
Tuesday, November 10, 2020
Self Help Radio 111020: Floods
Monday, November 09, 2020
Whither Floods?
Sunday, November 08, 2020
Preface To Floods: Expecting Apocalypse
Were you expecting apocalypse? Yes, I was expecting apocalypse.
What sort of apocalypse were you expecting? More of the same. Only worse.
Not all apocalypses are equal. Nor do we always experience the same apocalypse.
"All apocalypses are local." Not quite.
But this apocalypse didn't happen. It still may.
Yes? Oh yes.
Then what will we do? We'll experience the apocalypse.
Will we survive the apocalypse. Who's to say?
We have survived other apocalypses. Have we, though?
But this apocalypse hasn't happened. No. Not yet.
Wow this is dark. Try living in my head, buddy.
No thanks.
Saturday, November 07, 2020
Okay. Breathe.
Wow. Just wow.
Here's something I should mention: I almost had a panic attack Tuesday night. I was in a pretty bad way. It seems dumb but when Biden spoke it calmed me down. I watched an episode of Voyager & sipped a glass of whiskey.
The counting caused a similar amount of anxiety, but I managed to somewhat contain it. It was more or less manageable, although it did feel a little like a stomach ache & it was accompanied by the recognition, every once in a while, that my heart was beating a little too fast. When the networks called the election today, I still had all that stress & anxiety in me, & it has kept me from getting anything done.
Well, not that - I'm getting stuff done - just too late. I am supposed to turn in the Dickenbock Report by 8am Friday. I finished it tonight. If it doesn't air, it's my fault - my inability to deal with this election.
It's not over because you know the other guy won't concede. & who knows what his stooges are doing behind the scenes to wreck as much of the country on their way out. So - still stress, still anxiety.
Let's see if I can get Self Help Radio done this week. I might need extra sleep. Anyone want to talk to my animals & get them to lay off a bit?
Friday, November 06, 2020
Photographs Of Places I've Lived # 9: Tanglewood North Apartments
Wednesday, November 04, 2020
Self Help Radio 110320: Rings
Monday, November 02, 2020
Whither Rings?
Sunday, November 01, 2020
Preface To Rings: I Should Have Seen A Doctor
Saturday, October 31, 2020
Cancelled Halloween
Walking around the neighborhood tonight, I felt bad that I had assumed that Halloween would be cancelled this year because it almost certainly wasn't. These are the things I observed on our late afternoon dogwalk:
1) People who prepared safe ways for kids to get treats, whether as simple as a bowl (with instructions to save some for others!) or as complex as a barrier, usually a table, with little goody bags for each trick-or-treater.
2) People who were having parties in their front or backyards, probably for neighbor kids, although I am always alarmed by the lack of masks.
3) People who prepared something out in front of their house, somewhat like a block party, but probably a kind of mixing of ways 1 & 2.
Perhaps I was too busy this week, or perhaps too lazy, but at some point either I or the wife decided we wouldn't take part in Halloween. We would pull our window shades down & not turn the porch light on.
What we did do was go out for food - pizza & donuts - & what shocked me was the number of people - adults with children - in costume in the neighborhood. Didn't they know Halloween was cancelled?!?
Or rather, didn't I know you just can't cancel Halloween?
So right now I am full of pizza & a giant donut feeling guilty about not even trying. When we first moved into the house I talked about doing something spooky for Halloween. I wouldn't have presumed to do such a thing this year. & I don't think I would have anyway - but jeez, I could've had a bowl in front of the house or something.
Sigh.
Friday, October 30, 2020
Photographs Of Places I've Lived # 8: The Dolphin Apartments
Tuesday, October 27, 2020
Self Help Radio 102720: Halloween 2020 - Attack Of The Self Help Radio!
Monday, October 26, 2020
Whither Halloween 2020 (Attack Of The Self Help Radio!)?
Sunday, October 25, 2020
Preface To Halloween 2020: Isn't Life Enough Of A Horror?
There are many places on this blog where I recount all my Halloween themes & bemoan the fact that eventually I'll run out of them. I've done Halloween shows about ghosts, vampires, monsters, zombies, witches, werewolves, haunted houses, graveyards, nightmares, hell, mummies, clowns, death, black cats, voodoo, & Frankenstein*. It's only a matter of time until I start repeating myself. But not this year!
But do we really need a Halloween this year? Hasn't everything been horrible enough? Halloween is on a Saturday night this year. I remember when we were kids & Halloween happened on the weekend - I think it was on a Friday in 1981 & a Saturday in 1982 - but by then I had pretty much aged out of trick or treating. Although I probably went, because, you know, candy.
Are there any guidelines for Halloween this year? I don't think I want to hand out candy. Should I be getting candy to hand out? Have I even seen the candy displays at Costco or other stores?
In this sense I'm grateful this year's show is about horror movies. Horror movies are forever. There are probably horror movies about the coronavirus in production as we speak. Hooray for horror films!
Boo for 2020! I suspect it'll only get worse from here, however. The year 2020 has replaced all my hope with nausea & dread. As the disgraced Louis CK once said, "An optimist is someone who goes, 'Hey, maybe something nice will happen!' Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?"
Boy did he demonstrate that in his own life!
* You can find most of them & even listen to them on the Self Help Radio Halloween page!
Saturday, October 24, 2020
3500! (Also Some Big Changes!)
Friday, October 23, 2020
Photographs Of Places I've Lived # 8: Rolando Drive
This is a bittersweet one for me. This is where my sister Pat lived from some time in the mid-1980s until her death in 2015. I wrote about her after she died. I miss her more than words can say.
This would be my last place of residence in Garland, Texas, & it was somewhat inadvertent. I stayed mostly at the apartment in which I spent my high school years (which I talked about here) after my first year of college, but when I returned from my second year of college - & to this day I think I only came back because I thought I might spend the summer in Germany - about which more below - my mother had moved from that apartment for complicated reasons. Or maybe not so complicated - the convenience store which her boyfriend owned was sold, the two of them wasted the money traveling for a year, & she had found herself unable to afford that place & needed to find another job & somewhere else to live. She had done both, sometime before the summer I arrived, & I ended up spending it sleeping in the half-garage space my sister & brother-in-law converted at some point (the other half of the garage was my brother-in-law's "workshop").
My memories are telling me that my little brother lived in that space after he finished high school, but by the summer of 1988, he was living again with my mother in her one-bedroom apartment (I think the two of them slept in the same bedroom) & I was staying in my sister's half-garage.
My sister & I weren't friends then, & I spent the summer doing as little as I possibly could because I felt like I had been deceived about a trip to Germany. I had written a pleading letter to my relatives, asking if they would let me stay there, I just needed them to get me a ticket, & I would work, & I would pay them back. My German was pretty good - I had two years of college German in me & I was quite conversational. I don't know this to be true, but I suspected that my mother stepped in & told them not to let me come. Some things against this theory: my relatives in Germany weren't rich, & they might not have been able to afford a ticket for me. I'll never know - they never wrote me back to respond to my request. My mother instead told me it wouldn't happen. She had told me that she didn't want me to go, not without her. & I was angry about it, & bummed around the entire summer.
Most of the time I slept during the day, then went out at night. I would listen to records on my Walkman as I wandered the deserted streets of Garland - & boy were they deserted. I was especially fond on the Chameleons record Strange Times. I felt isolated & disaffected & often thought about death. I probably wrote a lot of terrible poetry. My only friends were a fifteen-year-old girl for whom I made mix tapes, my college roommate William, & maybe a friend or two in Austin with whom I wrote letters. I wrote lots of letters. I didn't get a lot of letters back.
At the end of the summer I used a portion of my financial aid money to travel to Memphis to visit the only girl I had kissed at the time. It was disastrous. I came home even more broken-hearted & broken than before. & I would move back into the Town Lake Apartments (as I discussed last week) at the beginning of my third year of school. But I would never live in Garland ever again.
Later on, after other horrible interactions with my family, I became friends with my sister, & I would return to this house when I visited Garland - ostensibly to see my mother - but I always had more fun hanging out with my sister. I loved sitting around her kitchen table talking about stuff - news, politics, gossip. There was sometimes another family member there, & it would be the only time I would see them.
My brother-in-law sold this house a couple of years after my sister died. He has remarried & he no longer lives in Texas. He actually unfriended me on Facebook a couple of years ago although I thought we had a good relationship. I have texted him a couple of times - it's been a while now, the last I think was when I sent condolences after his father died - but he doesn't speak to me anymore & in fact he doesn't even speak to his son. He has a granddaughter now, which he's seen only twice. It's a real sadness.
Mostly it's wistful to see this house. I mowed that lawn many times. I endured countless unpleasant family gatherings in its backyard. I went to Christmases there, sometimes walking from my mother's apartment when I was staying with her for the holidays - my mother's apartment was a quarter-mile down the street. I ate meals there, I listened to records on headphones there, I played Super Mario Brothers there. I was there when the call came from my Uncle Harold that my father had died. I had terrible fights there, & more than once I swore I'd never return.
Now of course I never will.
Tuesday, October 20, 2020
Self Help Radio 101920: Swoon
Sunday, October 18, 2020
Whither Swoon?
Saturday, October 17, 2020
Preface To Swoon: A Short History Of Fainting
Friday, October 16, 2020
What To Do With News Of News
So... there's some news about Self Help Radio that I'd like to share. & in a sense, I've already shared. Y'see, I have to record Self Help Radio to air Monday mornings & it has to be turned in early so someone can "screen" it (or "clear" it) in case I go on some kind of potty mouth rant. Which, to be fair, is always likely no matter how long I've done radio.
& on the show, which I finished today, I shared the news, so it feels like I've already told you. But of course you won't hear it until Monday morning - during the last airbreak! - & you probably won't listen to the show at all. So you won't ever hear the news unless I tell you here.
But something tells me to wait. Something also tells me to eat whatever's in the refrigerator right now. I can ignore the latter voice, so I could ignore the former. But the voice telling me to wait is very different from the voice telling me to be a colossal pig, & in fact I wish the voice telling me to wait to share the news would also tell me to just eat when I'm hungry. So I'm inclined the trust the more prudent of voices.
Do you mind waiting? We can talk Monday. As usual, I'm making a bigger deal about this than it really is. But I can't wait to tell you! I'm excited. But I have to wait.

















