Preface To Maps: Maps On Tumblr/New Uploads

You don't mind if I use today's blog for two things, do you?

Here's number one:

There's a blog I like a lot on Tumblr, which is called quite handily Maps On The Web.  It's where the above image comes from, & where you can go to find out what exactly that map is supposed to represent.  Or, you know, I could just tell you.  It's "US States whose names' letters perfectly alternate between consonants & vowels."  If that's something you enjoy, I recommend you visit.

Here's number two:

I have uploaded three recent KBOO shows to the Self Help Radio website.  You can simply go to selfhelpadio.net to find them, or you can click the following direct links, remembering that you'll need to enter a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen, at least the first time.  The shows are:

A three-hour general format show that aired April 18.

The Dickenbock Report from April 21 (it's Episode Ten).

A two & a half general format show that aired April 23.

The Dickenbock Report episode was assembled in haste & has two glaring errors which I got to experience while live tweeting & couldn't do a thing about it.  One is that I played a song twice.  I don't know how that got by me.  The other is that I didn't play a song, but still back-announced it.  I'm sure it had something to do with both exhaustion as well as handling dozens of sound files.  But even though no one would have noticed if I hadn't said something, I am still mortified by it.

That's all!  Please enjoy!

Quarantimes

Once upon a time I was talking to an old acquaintance, someone with whom I hadn't spoken in decades.  We found each other again on Facebook, like you do.  At some point he marveled about how fast time seemed to have passed since last we talked.  I said something to him that I'd said to him before.  He even said, "You used to always say that."  It was this: I said, "Life is unbearably long."

My mother - with whom I talk weekly - will often tell me, "I don't know how it happened.  I don't know where the time went.  It all went by so fast."

To which I reply, "Really?  Can you not remember those difficult moments in your life when time seemed to come to a standstill?  When you were bored, or worried, or trapped in a shitty job or I don't know a church service?"

Those are things - those times when time seemed to come to a standstill - that dominate my memories.  I remember being so lonesome in my room I thought I might go insane.  I remember being bafflingly awake in tedious college classes that didn't somehow make me sleepy.  I remember waiting in lines, waiting for buses, waiting for food when very hungry, waiting for a band to fucking get onstage because I was tired of standing up.  I remember still-painful moments of loneliness when I had no friend to reach out to, no one to call, nowhere to go, nothing to watch or listen to or see.  The truth is, they seem like the vast majority of time I've lived on this planet.

When I'm dying, I'll not stand bewildered at where the time went.  I'll be able to envision it like a graph in a textbook, a map of geologic time.

It's true, as I've gotten older, it's become harder for me to get stuff done - tonight I timed myself cutting potatoes to make french fries & was astonished it took three times as long as I thought it would.  & never mind how long it's taking me to do my dumb prerecorded radio shows!  I suspect I have more responsibilities than when I was thirty-five years younger - certainly seventeen-year-old Gary might be bored on a Friday night with nothing on television, no friends to hang out with, & nothing new to read.  I'm hardly ever bored at all in my old age.  But I can't say time moves faster.  & I can't say that life feels any less long.

Maybe this perspective has helped me psychologically during this pandemic.  I do miss many things - I often think about the last time I went out to dinner, the last time I saw a show, the last time I saw a movie - but mostly I miss going to my radio stations.  I've had to listen to myself on the radio so often in the past two months I completely understand why very few people listen to my show.  But I don't feel the way many in the pandemic seem to feel.

My wife, who's much more social than I am, has begun to wonder if she should visit friends.  From a safe distance, of course.  She gets much of her social needs from work, from interacting with co-workers & students.  That's all gone for now.  It's taking its toll.  Me?  I am catching up on my comic book reading.

When I should be doing radio shows.  Damn it!

Anyway, yeah, I still feel life is unbearably long.  & who isn't feeling that right now?

April 30, 2007

In April 2007, this blog wasn't even a year old.  I wasn't even forty years old.  Self Help Radio wasn't even five years old.  I feel like I was a bit more creative then.  For example, this is what I wrote in the blog for that day:

It was entitled "When Pirates Dance!"

As April ends, I want to remember the fourth month I experienced in 2007. It seemed gloomy, rainy & sad, but also weirdly sunny, bright & warm. I may have lost fourteen dollars this month. But I also may have gained a new tooth. As April ends, I am forced to wonder: was I involved with April at all? Or did I simply just mow the lawn a couple of times & then sleep fitfully?

In April, I found out the bees are dying. My own experience with bees has been that, while they appear to be listening, they really retain nothing. After I patiently explained the difference between sugar, high fructose corn syrup & aspertame to a very sweet worker one afternoon, she still wanted to make out with my diet soda. Then she stung me & died, which I found a little too much. My mother used to guilt me like that.

If there's one lesson we should take from April, it's that daylight savings time is taxing. Oh shit, that's like a pun. Ha ha! Or, we can say that tax day saves you everything but daylight. No, that's not true. I know. That the only thing safe from tax day is sunlight. Unless you deal in solar futures. Then, never mind.

I promised last April that I would keep a running tally of the number of times I clipped my nails this April, because I had dreamt that Sid Caesar told me that your fingernails grow twice as long but your toenails twice as slow in April. Or maybe I had dreamt that April Stevens had warned me about the Ides Of March last month, because that's when Caesar died. Or maybe I was just daydreaming while watching HBO's Rome. Did that end this April?

April's not over yet! There's still time to win the lottery, grow a goatee, nail 95 theses to your church's wall, become a vegetarian, design a series of stamps that commemorate McLain Stevenson, bag a thrush, help a friend learn her vocal scales, care for a particularly sickly tree, crawl from the wreckage, reject a telemarketer's advances, get lost in someone's eyes, hit it but don't quit it, & possibly squeeze in a good cry with a friend.

But hurry!

Self Help Radio 042720: Indiepop A To Z # 62

(All images from Discogs - what a resource!)

If you'll recall, I said I'd try to have the show done by noon today.  It will be noon in Honolulu soon.  So naturally I meant noon, Hawaii time.  How weird must it be to live so far away?  I feel like the west coast misses out on all the east coast's craziness as it is!

As you can see if you've skipped ahead, I did not finish the letter O today.  I thought I might - but it wasn't to be.  Too much good stuff!  I think I am a music hoarder - I find it hard to leave some things off the list - although I reject plenty.  Which I will explore in the series I will make after I finish Indiepop A To Z, called Indiepop A To Z: The Rejects.  Just kidding.  I will never finish Indiepop A To Z.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website.  Remember: username is SHR, password is selfhelp.  The playlist, hopefully in perfect alphabetical order, is below.  My thanks to you for listening.

Self Help Radio Indiepop A To Z # 62
"Happy Little Bumblebee" Of Montreal _The Bedside Drama: A Petite Tragedy_
"Rachel Put Your Arms About Me" The Ogdens _Rachel Put Your Arms About Me_
"Yummy, Yummy, Yummy" Ohio Express _Pleasure From The Buddah Group_

"Boy" Oklahoma Scramble _Throw: The Yoyo Studio Compilation_
"Pretty Girlfriend" Old Hickory _Brain Travels Before The Heart Stops_
"Hide Away (World Trade Remix)" Olivia Tremor Control _Kindercore Fifty_
"Mrs Harrington" On The Waterfront _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 5_
"Temporary Tattoo" One Happy Island _Secret Party That The Other Party Doesn't Know About_

"Panda Riot" One Hour _Little Darla Has A Treat For You, Vol. 12_
"Until" One Night Suzan _Don't Let Them Kill Our Taste_
"Mayfly" One Star _Moshi Moshi (Pop International Style)_
"Start Digging My Grave Sugar" One Thousand Violins _Hey Man That's Beautiful_
"Transport" Yuji Oniki _Tvi_

"It Comes Around" Onionhead _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol. 3_
"It Doesn't Even Matter" Onward Chariots _Take Me To Somewhere_
"We'll Know When We Get There" Ooberman _Running Girl_
"Empty Box Blues" Opal _Early Recordings_
"Pension Day" Open Book _Pension Day_

"Actors Studio" Oporto _French Blue EP_
"Saturday Looks Bad To Me" Oppenheimer _Oppenheimer_
"Walk & Chew Gum" Optiganally Yours _The Powerpuff Girls: Heroes & Villains_
"Revelation At 3:33 am" Orange Cake Mix _Dream Window_
"Rip It Up" Orange Juice _The Very Best Of Orange Juice_

"You're So Clever" The Orange Peels _So Far_
"So In Love" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _Crush_
"Something For The Longing" The Orchids _Who Needs Tomorrow_
"Steven Smith" The Organ _Grab That Gun_
"Growing Old" The Origin _Growing Old_

"A Song For Robert G" Original Sin _A Song For Robert G_
"Chocolate Box" The Originals _Chocolate Box_
"Furthest Point Away" Orlando _Passive Soul_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 62

(Apparently this links to a "quick intro to twee."  I just googled the word "twee."  It took me this place.)

Yes, yes, we're continuing the Indiepop A To Z despite the quarantine, & possibly the lack of interest, & all the other radio stuff I'm doing.  & we're at the letter O, which is neat.  It stands for Oregon, you know.  I don't know if we'll finish the letter O, though.  I am still gathering songs.  We'll probably get to the "orange" bands, though: Orange Juice, Orange Peels, Orange Cake Mix.  So maybe not.  Hey, I'm going to include some decidedly not-indiepop bands this time around.  Like who?  Like OMD, duh.  Like you care.  You stopped reading before you actually made it to this blog.  That takes skill.

Big fat bees are bumping on my window.  Spring in Portland is lovely, & eerie too - we went for a bike ride today & there were very few people driving.  Lots of folks in their gardens, though.  Which may be why the big fat bee wants to come in.  Those people are intense!

The show will happen some time tomorrow - I'm aiming for noon but I also want to sleep in & the wife is going to make me walk the dogs early so I won't be able to sleep in but I will be walking the dogs & not working on the show - at the Self Help Radio website like always.  I might have time to add the others shows I do, too - the most recent Dickenbock Report, for example.  But I shouldn't overwhelm you.

Gotta go - turns out the big fat bee wants me to come outside & play.  I'll get my mask!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 62: Information Please

After a day spent working on this week's Self Help Radio & also editing some audio files for Freeform (not to mention watching "Extraction" starring Thor who weirdly didn't use his godlike powers at all during the film), I just looked at a news site & it was like drinking a giant cup of sadness right before bedtime.

So I went to re-watch last Sunday's Last Week Tonight, which I embed below:



There's real genius in that show - something you don't get in general, let along with comedic news programs.  I used to think that The Daily Show with Jon Stewart was the best thing possible, but damn, has John Oliver lapped that program & then some.

Both John Oliver & Sam Bee has found their voice again without an audience, something that has eluded Bill Maher, who continues to do his monologue to laugh tracks.  Which is fine, I suppose - he can't berate them for not laughing at his jokes because he believes the audience is too sensitive.  I admire his confidence that he won't accept they just might not be funny.

But he still occasionally makes an amazing point, & this week he was as brave & truthful as he imagines himself to be when he's making jokes about sexless marriages or the trouble with vaccines:



He's absolutely right in this piece.  I have nothing to add, only that it was undercut somewhat by an embarrassing interview with Jay Leno right before it, with Leno rattling off unfunny topical "jokes" & Maher laughing appreciatively like Ed McMahon.  Excruciating.

Anyway, good night!  939,000 cases in the United States!  Over 53,000 dead!  Good night!

Long Day's Drive Into Otherwise

Two things:

One, I asked Twitter if I should continue growing my stupid quarantine beard - I haven't trimmed it in about two months - & the poll so far - it's just been five votes, but - suggests I keep growing it.  My wife can only vote once, so I know it's not just her.  (I'm totally going to trim it this weekend.)

Two, I keep working on radio shows but have been repurposing old Self Help Radio episodes - like I did last month at KBOO - into one-hour segments.  Is that something I should share on my web page?  Of course I am looking for & adding new songs to the mix, but my airbreaks are perfunctory & not at all fun or funny.  (As if they ever are.)  (But at least I try to make them so.) (Not in these short remakes.)  I ask again: should I share these on the web page?

That's all.  Working on the next indiepop a to z episode as we speak.  Hope it's fun.  Hope that in the near future Freeform is able to air programs when they are scheduled to be aired - like KBOO does with the Dickenbock Report - & so I have a more regular schedule.

I said, that's all!  Sheesh.  I'm not important!  I don't have to write things that matter on this dumb blog!  Damn you!  Damn you all to hell!

So Tired

Is it weird to be exhausted during a pandemic?  I can't speak to those who have actual jobs; that is one thing I don't have.  My wife, who teaches at a medical school, conducts lectures in one of our rooms & it's charming to listen to her - I've never actually seen her teach.  In fact:

There was a time, when she was teaches a huge class of nurses at the University of Kentucky that I thought about crashing one of her classes - she had like 250 students - & if there were ever a moment where she asked for questions, I'd raise my hands & say, "Professor - do you date your students?"

Today she showed me a slide from her recent (online) lecture which her students shared in some med school forum.  She said, "It's good to become a meme."

Memewhile, I am making radio shows that may or may not be aired.  I am gathering things for upcoming shows.  I am trying to help out at the stations where I volunteer.  & I am so, so tired.

Here's the thing: when I nap, I wake utterly confused.  I don't know where I am, I am not sure what time of day it is, I am even baffled by the same alarm I've been using for years.

It's a metaphor for our times.  But.  I'm still so tired.

Self Help Radio 042020: Thunder

(Isn't this a lovely image of thunder?  No?  That's right!  It's an image of lightning! Because you can't take a picture of thunder! It's a sound! Damn it! Original image here.)

Finally!  The thunder show!  Was it worth the wait?  Absolutely not!

But think of it this way: the farther away the lightning strike, the longer it takes the thunder to reach you.  So imagine this show about thunder originated in a lightning strike two days ago but it was very far away, so the sound of the strike - the thunder - is just arriving now.  Now, knowing the speed of sound - isn't it 770 miles per hour? - & assuming 48 hours (why not?) - that means the lightning struck around 37,000 miles away.  Which is about one & a half times around the world.  That thunder must have stories to tell!

Well - it's got two hours' worth, anyway.  The thunder show is now available at the Self Help Radio website.  Please remember, you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen.  What happened on the show is below.

Trigger warning: astraphobes may not want to download.  Otherwise, go to town.

Self Help Radio Thunder Show
"It's Thunder" Burnt Friedman & The Nu Dub Players _Just Landed_
"God Of Thunder" M83 _America_
"Thunder" Mekons _Me_

introduction & definitions

"Who's Afraid Of Thunder" Dorothy Collins _Experiment Songs (From Ballads For The Age Of Science)_
"Thunderstorm" Jeffrey Lewis & Los Bolts _Manhattan_
"Blue Thunder" Galaxie 500 _On Fire_
"Voice Like Thunder" The Babies _The Babies_
"Thunder & Lightning" Chi Coltrane _Super Hits Of The '70s: Have A Nice Day, Vol. 9_

interview with clinical psychologist Eustace Teagarden

"Thunder" Wayne County & The Electric Chairs _These People Are Nuts!_
"Thunder" Huon _Knowing We Was Right From Da Start_
"Thunderous Silence" Alan Watts _Out Of Your Mind_
"Hug Of Thunder" Broken Social Scene _Hug Of Thunder_
"Thunderstorm" Pierce Turner _The Compilation_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"The Ballad Of Thunder Road" Robert Mitchum _That Man_
"Thunder Road" Bruce Springsteen _Born To Run_
"The Thunder, Perfect Mind" Willis Barnstone, Marvin Meyer, & Nancy Lesniewksi _The Gnostic Bible_
"The Thunderclown" Momus & John Henriksson _The Thunderclown_
"Thunderstruck" Antarctica Takes It! _Constellations_

Gary shows how to make thunder at home
Ned Dry interrupts!

"Thunder & Rain" Graham Parker & The Rumour _Stick To Me_
"Thunder In The Sky" The Dirtbombs _Dangerous Magical Noise_
"Thundertunes" Pauline Murray & The Invisible Girls _Pauline Murray & The Invisible Girls_
"Thunder Of Hearts" Buzzcocks _Modern_

conclusion & goodbye

"Thunderstorm Blues" Maggie Jones _Complete Recorded Works In Chronological Order, Vol. 1 (August 1923 To April 1925)_
"Thunderbird" The Casual-Aires _Las Vegas Grind!_
"The Case Of The Thundering Dunderhead" Thee Headcoats _Beach Bums Must Die_

Whither Thunder?

(There is no thunder without lightning.  Here, lightning photobombs a picture of thunder.  Image from here.)

Hey!  I know I've been terrible at that "getting Self Help Radio done on time" thing.  There are several reasons for it, the most convincing of which is have you seen the world lately?

But that's not really an excuse.  The main excuse I believe is lack of a deadline.  I spent the past couple of days working on Tuesday morning's Dickenbock Report, which has to be turned in twenty-four hours before it airs so it can be properly placed on the automation.  I'm certain if that were the case with Self Help Radio, I'd have it done at that time, too.  It's just not really scheduled - I even have no idea if the last two episodes, placed on the station's automation, have aired at all.

That being said: I think I thought about doing a show about thunder when I was talking to my family in Dallas & there were thunderstorm warnings.  I realized we don't really get a lot of thunder up here in Cascadia.  & sometimes my ruminations lead me in the direction of "are there enough songs about thunder to make a radio show about thunder?"

So!  I will have a new Self Help Radio tomorrow some time, earlier if possible, but definitely sometime on a Monday.  It will of course happen at Self Help Radio dot net & I'll let you know here.  & on Facebook.  & Twitter.  I might text you.  I might also call.  If I show up at your house, I'll just yell from the curb.

Preface To Thunder: I Guess I Don't Miss The Thunder

It's hard to believe it's almost a year since we've moved to Portland.  We lived in Fort Worth, Texas, for nearly three years, & although I'm not a meteorologist & I haven't actually looked this up, I have theories about why the storms in Fort Worth in particular are so awful.

Did I not mention the storms in Fort Worth were awful?  Oh yes!  Lots of wind & thunder & lightning.  Skies darkening menacingly & suddenly.  Flash floods & power outages.  They seemed to always roll in from the west, where the city began & the plains ended.  & that was my theory:

Something about the size of a city, plus the way it absorbs heat, acts as a kind of natural barrier for extreme weather, which seems to need space in order to build its destructive strength.

Is that true?  According to this article in the Dallas Morning News, no.  Instead, the explanation for the intensity & frequency of Texas thunderstorms involves "the jet stream, moist air, & lingering cold fronts."

But, you see, thunderstorms in Fort Worth seem way more intense & ferocious than those on the other side of the metroplex, which is way more populated - & farther away from the storm, which has to travel through a giant collection of cities, suburbs, highways, even an enormous airport.

So in that willful way that is the hallmark of being a human, I will continue to believe there's something to the geography of Fort Worth that invites worse thunderstorms - mainly its position as the first major city the storms will encounter as they come from the west.  It just seems true.  You know?

& anyway, there's only been a couple of thunderstorms since we arrived here, & I haven't missed them at all.  The steady rain of Portland is its own kind of drama, really.

Did You Forget?

Did you forget?  I forgot.

How could you forget?  How could I not?

You wanted to forget?  I wanted it forgotten.

Is it hard to forget?  I used to know - but I forgot.

Don't we struggle to remember?  If we remember to.

So it's best to forget?  Perhaps it's best to be forgotten.

I never want to forget!  I forgot you always say that.

Oh, forget all about it.  Consider it forgotten.

The Dickenbock Report (Episode 9)/A KBOO Sub Show

Hey, I know there are far more interesting ways to pass your time during this quarantine/social distancing reality we have, but in case there isn't any more lint in your belly button to dig out & all the paint has already dried without spectators, I have put two recent radio shows on the Self Help Radio website for your audio "enjoyment."

Yes, those are quotation marks.  I understand how desperate one need to be to choose to listen to anything I do on the radio.

One is last week's Dickenbock Report, which made its (prerecorded) Tuesday morning premiere.  It's a hefty three hours long, & most of the show celebrates National Beer Day with boozy tunes, although the regular birth day/death day segment happens & there are beaver songs for International Beaver Day.

If you don't want to go to the website, click on this discolored set of words to access the show directly.  You will be asked for a username (which is SHR) & a password (which is selfhelp) to listen.  But you'll only be asked once!

The second is two & a half hours of me playing new music on Thursday morning in the space where the Dickenbock Report used to be.  It's mostly stuff released in 2020, & I keep my yapping to a minimum.  If you'd prefer to go directly to the show, click on this sentence to access the mp3 without all that yucky Self Help Radio web page nonsense.  Again, you'll need a username - SHR - & a password - selfhelp.

That is all.  I mean, it's five & a half hours of radio, but that's all from me right now.

Self Help Radio 041320: Surprise!

(Original image here.)

Surprise!  Self Help Radio's show about surprise is a day late!  This may not be much of a surprise, especially considering that it's nearly impossible to determine what day it is most of the time, & time seems itself to be quarantined, trying to get rid of some sickness.  But who cares!  It's a show about surprise!  Surely everyone loves a surprise!

Actually, there are a lot of people who really, really hate surprises.  I have documentation about this assertion.  Still, hating surprises doesn't necessarily mean you'll hate a radio program about surprises.  Because songs about surprises, especially when you're expecting songs about surprises, aren't surprising at all.  So you get the best of both worlds!

The show is, unsurprisingly, at the Self Help Radio website when/if you'd like to listen.  Remember, there is a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) needed to listen.  That's no surprise.  & also what songs are played is not a surprise.  They're listed below.

Honestly, for a show about surprise, I'm not really offering many surprises.

Self Help Radio Surprise Show

"Surprise!" +/- _You Are Here_
"Surprise" We Are Scientists _Crap Attack_
"Surprise" Royal Headache _Royal Headache_

introduction & definitions

"Surprise, Surprise" The Rolling Stones _Singles Collection: The London Years_
"Surprise, Surprise (Sweet Bird Of Paradox)" John Lennon _Anthology_
"You'd Be Surprised" Mike Birbiglia _Two Drink Mike_
"Surprise, Surprise" Girlfrendo _Surprise! Surprise! It's Girlfrendo_
"Surprise! Surprise!" Laptop _Don't Try This At Home_

a surprise phone call from Bingham Killkid

"Secret Surprise" Joanna Gruesome _Weird Sister_
"I Am Not Surprised" The Organ _Grab That Gun_
"On Surprises" Fabio _Fabio After Dark_
"Don't Be Surprised" Lynn Williams _Eccentric Soul: The Outskirts Of Deep City_
"Surprise Party For Baby" The Vibrating Vibrations _The Golden Torch Revisited_

an attempt to plan a surprise with Elliot Kliffnerd

"Surprised" The Sugargliders _A Boy, A Girl, & A Rendezvous_
"Surprised" Holiday Flyer _You Make Us Go_
"The Element Of Surprise" The Last Shadow Puppets _Everything You've Come To Expect_
"Little Surprise" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_
"A Big Surprise" Sparks _Introducing Sparks_

a surprise phone call from Alyssa & Jason

"I'll Be Your Surprise" Hurrah! _The Sound Of Philadelphia_
"Taken By Surprise" The Family Cat _Tell 'Em We're Surfin'_
"It Was The Surprise More Than Anything" Les Barker _The War On Terrier_
"Surprise, Surprise" X _See How We Are_
"No More Surprises" The Ettes _Shake The Dust_

another surprise phone call from Bingham Killkid

"My Dog Surprise" Guided By Voices _Warp & Woof_
"Surprise Me" Altered Images _Happy Birthday (The Best Of Altered Images)_
"Surprise Symphony" Deerhoof _Reveille_
"Don't Be Surprised" Twerps _Twerps_
"Taken By Surprise" Varsity _The Basement Takes: 2015-2016_

conclusion & goodbye

"Avocado Surprise" Mo Douglas _Healthy Instrumentals_
"Some Kind Of Surprise" Winter _Supreme Blue Dream_
"Surprise Us" Palomar _All Things, Forests_

Whither Surprise?

(I wish I could remember where I found this.)

Surprise!  Tomorrow there'll be another Self Help Radio, & the theme will be "surprise."  This is the theme that would've been explored if circumstances hadn't changed life as we know it so dramatically four weeks ago.

Have I taken the time to work on the show?  Nah.  I am just now gathering music at this late date.  I'll work on the show into the night & tomorrow, & it'll appear during the day sometime on the Self Help Radio website.  I'll announce it here, on Twitter, & on the show's Facebook page.  Basically wherever you saw this, it'll be the same place.  Hopefully it won't be so late in the day, but to be honest, I've been needing afternoon naps a lot recently.

Hey!  Am I deliberating being vague so where I announce that the show about surprise is ready, it'll be something of a surprise?  Of course not.  Unless you think that's cool.  Do you think that's cool?  You choose.

See you tomorrow!

Preface To Surprise: Surprise! I Have Nothing To Say

Tonight I take a break between movies & whiskey to announce that surprise! this blog has nothing of interest to say.

What?!?  You're actually surprised?  Of course not.

We went out today to shop & do other errands & I learned that I am very uncomfortable wearing surgical gloves & I fucking hate wearing a mask.  It may seem a stretch to say I'm very glad I never chose the medical field as a profession because, quite frankly, I never even considered it, but boy am I glad that wasn't a road I travelled down.

Implicit disclaimer: the people who chose that road are fucking heroes & I shouldn't even have to say that but I suppose I should in case someone gets the wrong idea.  Seriously, just because this dumb guy who does radio shows is glad he isn't a physician's assistant, he should worry about offending people who fucking risk their lives every day to keep us safe?  Okay, yeah.  That makes sense.

We went outside with our dogs tonight & it was eerily silent, on a Saturday.  Fuck you, coronacovid-19 virus!  We don't want you, we don't invite you, go fuck some other species up.  We're onto you.

Oh wait.  Stupid people all over are ignoring common-sense warnings.  Yeah, I know.  I know.  I'm just too weary to comment.  Hey.  More radio show nonsense tomorrow.  Yay.

The Socket For The Power Plug Has Become Adrift

People are writing all over the internet about missing socializing, their friends, going out, & etc.  I mostly miss the weird routine I had - I miss waking up in the middle of the night to drive to a radio station to do radio for the few people up at that hour who happen to be listening to the radio.  There are quite a few people up at that hour in Portland who are not listening to the radio, & I should know: I see them on my drive to the radio stations.  Such people aren't exactly the houseless, although there are quite a few of them.  The ones who don't have tents - & I assume at night when I drive by one of the many tents that line the streets of Portland there are people in them - but who appear houseless tend to be sitting alone, or walking from place to place carrying bags full of recycling.  But I see people - this would include people around 1:15 or so, which is when I would leave for XRAY on Tuesday mornings; people around 5:15 or so, which is when I would leave to go to Freeform on Monday mornings; people around 2:30 or so, which is when I would leave to go to KBOO on Thursday mornings; & of course any of the myriad times of night I might be subbing a show at Freeform or KBOO - I see people out walking, exercising, getting home from somewhere, sometimes accompanied by a companion or a dog, often quite determined as it's dark & possibly dangerous.  I've also seen deer, cats, & one time a family or raccoons.  & more than once I've seen coyotes, which initially I mistook for dogs.  I drove past too many stray or lost dogs in Texas, I now try to stop to see if they'll come to me, but coyotes look very, very different from dogs when you're up close.  Anyway, I know the coyotes & the houseless & the people out for whatever reason so very early in the morning are not going to be listening to the radio.  It's funny, I went out the other night & though it was only twilight, it felt like driving around at 3am.  & it made me miss driving around at 3am.  I have a friend who lived in Portland in the mid-90s & he told me he was mugged here.  I am not cavalier about my surroundings but I don't feel unsafe here, although often when I leave one of the radio stations at night, I do sometimes wonder how fast I could get back into the building if I sensed some danger.  & I've never been mugged, not just in Portland.  I miss that most of all, I guess I miss the routine I had that included radio, & I'm not sure how different or otherwise changed it will be when or if things return to normal.  I've taken to staying up late instead of going to sleep early to wake early.  In that sense, this staying up late, reminds me of summer vacation in grade school, although I didn't drink & there were no computers around in my life back then.  I used to miss that time, & then I didn't, & now I'm kind of reliving some aspect of it.  At this point I want to stop writing but I don't feel I've sufficiently wrapped up or concluded my thoughts.  I will say that I just reread what I wrote & mostly I like the phrase "writing all over the internet" because it makes me think of the internet as a giant wall vandals are tagging & scribbling over.  Other than that, this is pretty standard & tedious blog post by me.  My apologies for wasting your time, if you made it this far.  & even if you didn't.

Adding Prerecords To The Website

Hello.

In the next few days, while I'm not overbusy with making radio shows from home - I made three in three days! that was seven & a half hours of radio! - exactly! - I'll be adding the prerecords I made for these station to the Self Help Radio website.

These are not episodes of Self Help Radio.  They're mainly music, with short airbreaks by me to simulate live radio - they actually fooled a friend who texted me when he heard one of the shows & asked "are you broadcasting... live? pulling an airheads?"- anyone listening should know if the show were live I would be talking way too much - & may not be of any interest - but since I put all my playlists up, I figured I'd do that & also link to the shows.

There aren't specific links, but on the front page, they are called March 17 Freeform Portland Sub Show & March 21 Freeform Portland Sub Show.  I'll be adding more over the weekend, including some sub shows I did for KBOO, like the reggae show that's aired more than once over there.

If you're interested.  If not, no worries.

Self Help Radio 040620: Wishes

(Original image here.)

Holy moley, I spent all day on this week's Self Help Radio.  I really have no concept of time.  But it was really fun - & a bit frustrating - putting it together.  There were so many songs about wishes that I just couldn't get to them all.  I bet I could have done four hours - & that was excluding songs about wishing wells, which I covered in a show about wells I did two years ago.

Not only that, the folks who pretend to be experts & get interviewed really brought their A game.  I know that's a sportsball term which means they were at their best, but other than that I don't know exactly what an A game.  Rest assured, what you get from me on the show is my regular C game.  That might be too generous.  C minus game.

If you wish to listen, the show is at the Self Help Radio website now or whenever you have a moment.  Ha ha, all we have are moments these days.  Too many moments.  Remember, the username is SHR & the password is selfhelp.  The show is exactly two hours long.  Amazing!  What happens on the show is listed below.

As you wish.

Self Help Radio Wishes Show

"When You Wish Upon A Star" Petra Haden & Bill Frisell _Petra Haden & Bill Frisell_
"Make A Wish" The Cat's Miaow _Songs For Girls To Sing_
"Wishing The Days Away" Billy Bragg _Talking With The Taxman About Poetry_

introduction & definitions

"I Wish" Eisley _The Valley_
"I Wish I Was Him" Kathleen Hanna _Rock Stars Kill_
"Three Wishes" Twink _The Broken Record_
"Blown A Wish" My Bloody Valentine _Loveless_
"Wish You Would" Ivy _Avenge_

interview with Steig Klettesteig from the Make-A-Wish Take-A-Wish Foundation

"I Wish" Stevie Wonder _Songs In The Key Of Life_
"My Fondest Wish" Sometimes I Wonder _You're Still Young At Heart_
"Down By The Wishing Pool" The Chesterfields _Down By The Wishing Pool_
"Wish We Were" Smoking Popes _This Is Only A Test_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You)" Nouvelle Vague _Nouvelle Vague_
"I Wished On The Moon" Billie Holiday _The Quintessential Billie Holiday Volume 1, 1933-1935_
"I Wish, I Wish" Cat Stevens _Mona Bone Jakon_
"I Wish I Had Pictures" The Magnetic Fields _50 Song Memoir_

interview with Dolph Winspear of 'Genies R Us'

"I Wish" Skee-Lo _I Wish_ (Volcano, 1995)
"A Specific System Of Selective Short-Term Well-Wishing" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"I Wish You Would" David Bowie _Pin Ups_
"Wish I Sang A Little Better" Sprites _Starling, Spiders, Tiger, & Sprites_

interview with an actual genie

"Wishin' & Hopin'" The Vandalias _What The World Needs Now (Big Deal Recording Artists Perform The Music Of Burt Bacharach)_
"A Wish Away" The Wonder Stuff _The Eight Legged Groove Machine_
"Wishing It Were Friday" Bubblegum Lemonade _The Great Leap Backward_
"I Wish For You" Lake _The World Is Real_

conclusion & goodbye

"I Wish You Well" Bill Withers _The Best Of Bill Withers: Lean On Me_
"Wishful Thinkin'" Sly & The Family Stone _Small Talk

Whither Wishes?

(Oh boy!  There's a whole list of wish spells at the website where I found this graphic!)

The reason the show today is about wishes & wishing is because it was a request.  Tomorrow is Jenny's birthday & apparently her birthday wish was to have a Self Help Radio show about wishes.  This was a pretty easy wish to make come true.

Although I am nowhere near prepared to have it finished early tomorrow.  It'll appear at some point in the day tomorrow but not first thing, not 10am, probably not even noon.  I spent all day yesterday prerecording The Dickenbock Report, so I'd had no chance to go entirely through the (checks) four thousand songs about wishes I have gathered.  Plus!  I have interviews to edit!  Plus!  I have to prerecord my dumb airbreaks!

But as sure as wishes don't come true, I'll have a new episode of Self Help Radio tomorrow sometime at the show's website.  You don't need to blow out any candles or order a genie to make it so or, yes, invoke some meteor to make me do it.  I'll do it!  I'm doing it now!