Preface To Masks: Outlaws All

Yee haw.  I'm an outlaw.  I'm a bandit.  Mainly in my own head.  But now?  I get to wear a mask wherever I go!

Not like a Halloween mask, you understand.  Not a Spider-Man mask or Batman cowl.  Nope, the sort of mask that outlaws in Westerns wear, or that bank robbers wear when they step into the bank ready to rob it.  Although some of them do enjoy wearing full-head masks, especially those of presidents for some reason.  That's not the kind of mask I'm wearing!

& you know it's not just me!  It's a lot of folks.  Some folks aren't, of course, because they have some point to prove.  Maybe it makes them feel like outlaws too?  "When masks are required, only outlaws don't wear masks."  I think somebody famous said that.

So we're all feeling like outlaws!  Those of us who just feel like it because we're wearing masks, & those others who are kind of awful & selfish who think they're protesting some injustice done to them.

How can we all be outlaws?  Maybe masks don't make someone an outlaw.  But outlaws wear masks!  Without the mask, I'm just someone who's more likely to not only catch a deadly virus but also spread it to someone else if I've got it but am asymptomatic.

Also, my wife bought me a mask with a neat kind of design on it, which is attractive but of course if I were a real outlaw it would be used to identify me to the law.

Honestly, I feel less & less like an outlaw now.  Dang it!  Why do I think things through?  Nothing good ever comes of it.

The Dickenbock Report (Episode 14)

Tonight, I put the playlist & a link to a recording of the show I did a week or two ago, The Dickenbock Report, on the Self Help Radio website.  It feels like I've been doing this forever but in fact it was only the fourteenth episode.  The show happened on International Sex Workers Day & so has many, many songs about that business, focusing primarily on prostitution.  A fun time guaranteed for all.

This was a show I did - the first actually - live from my little computer at home.  & as such it begins awkwardly.  Unfamiliar with the program (called Mixxx, which makes it seem like it's related to porn) I promptly accidentally slowed down the backing track during my first airbreak.  But wait, it gets better.  If you choose to listen to the first part of the show, you'll find that first airbreak a bit awkward.  That's because Mixxx for some reason delays its broadcast of my voice by a fraction of a second, so when I am listening to myself during the airbreaks - a standard radio model - it's on a delay, & I slow my vocals down to compensate.  It's very, very annoying.

Since it was my first live show, it took me a while to figure everything out.  But otherwise it went without a hitch.  I think.  I was very, very nervous.

In any event.  I think I learned something.  I learned I liked broadcasting live from my home.  I would rather be in the studio, sure.  But absent that - live is the way to go.

Also I learned not to listen to myself during airbreaks.  At least not from home.  That delay just totally fucks me up.

The show is at the Self Help Radio website, right under this past week's SHR.  Listen to it if you must, but, please, be kind.

June 11, 2015

In early summer 2015, I did a Self Help Radio show with the theme "fight."  As someone who hasn't been in an actual physical fight in decades - & was barely in any before that - I was not an expert on at least that aspect of the theme.  Here's what I wrote in that blog about a recent non-confrontation.  I confess, five years later, I have no memory of the incident - just a memory of reading the memory now.

Preface To Fight: Non-Confrontational Guy

One imagines that I could take an assertive class if I wanted to.  One also imagines that I might not pass it.  Because I just hate confrontation.

It's absurd - because it causes me all kinds of personal anguish - but I generally expect people to act as decently as I would.  I know.

I've learned to accept that drivers will cut me off; that people who imagine their time more valuable than everyone else's will cut in line; that in general the average person will default to rude for whatever reason.  But the great disappointment is when you're part of some community - it might be a job, it might be a volunteer organization like, oh, let's say, a non-commercial radio station - & someone there is inexplicably rude & douche-y.  It shouldn't happen - but of course the same people who are aggressive asswipes or thoughtless fuckwads in the rest of the world inhabit those places too.

I'm thinking about something that happened recently.  I subbed a show while a person at the radio station was working on the new studio.  I understood he had to be there - he was essential to the operation of the station, troubleshooting everything so we could broadcast without problems where we'll be for a couple of years plus.

This person boasted to me that he'd been working in radio for nearly three decades.  & I had no problem with him wandering around, using a drill & other instruments, picking things up, putting them down, while I was playing music.  But - listen - if you're ever in a deejay booth & the sound disappears & the deejay is about to go on the mic, you will stand very quietly, if you have any experience in a radio station, while the deejay talks.  You know any noise you make might go out over the air.

If you have any experience in a radio station.  Well, not this guy.  With nearly three decades in radio.  He proceeded to wander around the deejay booth, including several times walking behind me, occasionally bumping me, whenever I went on the air.

But did I say anything?  Of course not!  What good would it have done?  What if I my tone of voice somehow offended him?  I just suffered through those two hours while he puttered around & did his job, making my job a lot more difficult.

Maybe I should take one of those assertive classes after all.

Self Help Radio 060820: Cups

(One of the last of the old Self Help Radio coffee cups, sitting lonesome on a high shelf.)

At last!  Here it is!  The Self Help Radio show about cups!  I said I'd have it done on Tuesday & even though it's late on a Tuesday it's still Tuesday damn it!

The truth is, I had a lot of fun making the show, & because there wasn't a deadline per se, I kinda spent too long on editing & choosing music & - well, if you listen, you'll hear.  I made it a mission to find interesting audio snippets about cups to put throughout the show.  I didn't even get to use them all, that's how much time I wasted on that pursuit.

One day soon Freeform will air SHR at a specific time & I'll have to get my act together & make a show for a deadline but for now - sorry it's late!  Maybe you'll enjoy it!  I think I would, if I ever, you know, went back & listened to my shows.  Which oh gods!  I could never.

But you can.  Now at Self Help Radio dot net.  It's a bit over two hours long, the details are below, & remember the password is SHR & the username is selfhelp.  Honestly if you don't know it by now, I can't do more but say it over & over.

What I was going to say is "I raise my cup to you" but I'm drinking out of a can right now so...  Oh well.

Self Help Radio Cups Show
"Morning Cup" Cranebuilders _You're Song_
"My Cup Is Full" Disciples Of Shaftesbury _Never Ever Land (83 Texan Nuggets From International Artists Records 1965-1970)_
"Cup To The Wall" Satisfact _Project: Echo_

introduction & definitions

"Cup" Bilders _Pyx (1985-1988)_
"Cup 'O Bang Bang" Dressy Bessy _Kingsized_
"Diamonds In Cups" Wire _Silver/Lead_
"Cup" Distractor _This Time I Got It Figured Out_
"Loving Cup" The Fortunes _The Singles_

definitions

"One Cup Of Happiness (& One Peace Of Mind)" Dean Martin _Dino: The Golden Years_
"Measuring Cups" Andrew Bird _Andrew Bird & The Mysterious Production Of Eggs_
"Paper Cup" The 5th Dimension _The Essential 5th Dimension_
"Brother, My Cup Is Empty" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Henry's Dream_
"That's My Cup Blues" Katie Crippen _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Vol. 1: 1917-1927_

interview with cup collector Runneth Over

"Coffee Cup" Langhorne Slim & The Law _The Way We Move_
"The Mixed Up Cup" Clyde McPhatter _Please Give Me One More Chance: His Last Recordings 1968-1970_
"Serve Yourself A Cup Of Happiness" The Monitors _Say You! The Motown Anthology 1963-1968_
"Little Cup" Mirah _Sundial_
"Paper Cup" Louise Burns _Mellow Drama_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"An Empty Cup" Roy Orbison & The Teen Kings _Orbison 1955-1965_
"Gold Cup" Dudley Duncan _Don't Do It: The Smash Records Story_
"Loving Cup" The Rolling Stones _Exile On Main St._
"My Cup Runneth Over" Billy Eckstine _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 9: 1969_
"Cupful Of Change" Nikki Sudden & The Jacobites _Dead Men Tell No Tales_

conclusion & goodbye

"Paper Cup Exit" Sonic Youth _Sonic Nurse_
"Nature's Cup" Free Time _Free Time_
"Tears In Your Cup" Cats On Fire _Our Temperance Movement_
"Sidney In A Cup" Mouse On Mars _Dimensional People_
"Paper Cup" Real Estate _The Main Thing_

Whither Cups?

(Image from here.)

Let me, a person with a radio show, present you with a broken record: there probably won't be a new Self Help Radio tomorrow.  Other things - including the horrible shit going down in this country & the reactions to it, which have been in many cases inspiring & uplifting - have made it hard to concentrate.  I will have the show done sometime Tuesday for sure, but there's the slimmest of chances it'll be done tomorrow so I'm writing about this today.

Someone did ask me, "Why a show about cups?"  Someone else said to me that they liked that The Dickenbock Report is generally about a theme because it's that theme's day, or because it's someone's birthday, or because it refers to an event that happened that day.  Self Help Radio, they noted, is not like that.  The themes don't really have anything to do with anything other than the fact that they're that week's theme.  & that person was right.  It's sometimes hard to explore a theme if it has to have a real-word analog.  I would probably be constantly re-doing themes if that were the case.  Although I am certain there's a "national cup day" some time.

But back to what that first person asked: "Why a show about cups?"  This is a dumb reason, but above me, in my little room where I have my records, CDs, computer, & other crap, there's a built-in shelf.  On that shelf either I or my wife decided to store my old radio coffee cups there.  I have one from KTSB days, one from RFL, a Kurt Vonnegut cup someone gave me, two old Self Help Radio mugs, & a KNON pint glass.  When I am leaning back in my chair, I sometimes glance up & see them.  & I think, "Cups."

That's the kind of subliminal inspiration I get for Self Help Radio shows.

So - maybe a new episode tomorrow?  But get this: if there is a new episode Tuesday, it will be preceded by two old episodes.  That's right!  From midnight to 3am on KBOO, I'll present two previously unaired Self Help Radio shows (edited to ninety minutes each) in the space where The Dickenbock Report airs on the 1st & 3rd Tuesdays.  That's the KBOO premiere of Self Help Radio!  I'm working on editing those shows as we speak, which gets in the way of making the new show, which should be a priority, but I'm excited because I get to do Self Help Radio live Tuesday morning, from my room of course.  The room with the cups.

The episode will happen on Self Help Radio dot net sooner than later.  I promise.  The KBOO episodes will definitely happen sooner.  It's too exciting for me, & it feels weird since the world is going you know to hell.

Preface To Cups: What's Next? Mugs? Glasses? Steins?

There was this cup I loved.  It may have been when I was a child, it may have been when I was just past childhood.  I didn't mind that other people used the cup.  It kinda made me happy - someone else liked the cup as much as I did!  Though I didn't like it if it were left out.  Didn't the cup deserve at least to be placed in the sink, to be cleaned & reused?  Never mind, it's not a long walk to the kitchen, I'll take care of it.

One of the things I liked about the cup was that it was kinda large.  Not quite a bowl - not like those absurdly large French cups that are basically bowls that they slurp coffee out of.  No, but big enough for a small snack - I would sometimes put a bit of Captain Crunch in there, eat it like a bowl of cereal although, let's be clear, it was a cup.

Another thing I liked about the cup was that it once said something on it - something written in black, maybe something funny, maybe the cup was stolen from someone's work place.  Anyway, time & use had scraped most of whatever was on there off, so there were slight outlines, almost like smudges, or like spots, where (you knew) something was written, but you couldn't make it out & probably didn't remember if you were the one who got the cup in the first place.

Which means, of course, that the cup was a white cup, but not ivory white, just kind of white.  Like coffee cups in cafes.  White with a little hint of sadness from overuse.  Not that the cup was sad!  It was a good-natured cup.  Always happy to be occupied, even if the liquid inside was just sitting there, grown cold from being ignored.  Possibly its good nature came from the fact that it had never been chipped.  There were no chips on the cup.  It was as solid as the day it was made.

One day I became convinced there was something written on the bottom of the cup.  Have you seen that?  Like in a ceramics class, sometimes you write something on the bottom of whatever you made. I remember a girl friend of mine - someone who disapproved of my smoking back in the day - making me an ashtray, & writing her name on the bottom.  To me from her.  Anyway, this was before any of that, but still at some point the thought seized me that there was something written on the bottom of the cup.  & I think it occurred to me when I wasn't in the house.  I was somewhere else - maybe school - maybe just out playing - & I decided, I need to check to see if something was written on the bottom of the cup.  The thing is, I don't know if I ever did.  To this day, I'm not sure if anything were written on the bottom of that damn cup.

Like many things I've loved, it disappeared one day, this cup.  I must've drank out of it hundreds of times, used it for cereal & ice cream & maybe even soup.  As far as I know, it was never broken, it was never damaged, it just at some point was no longer in the house.  Maybe it was decided it should be sent to a garage sale for an extra quarter, or maybe someone kept it in their car (it was too big for a cup holder though), or maybe my mother took it to work & left it there.  One day it just wasn't there.  I remember, some time in my high school years, looking for that cup, & it wasn't in the cupboard & it wasn't in the sink.

Did I lament the loss of the cup?  No, I just used a different cup.  Or a glass.  Though I did reflect on that cup from time-to-time.  I missed it.  It was a cup that I loved.

3400

Ha ha, I just saw that my previous post was the blog's 3399th & my brain said, "I'm at four thousand posts!"  Then I understood that that was wrong.

This post was meant to be called "recent shows."  I haven't added them to the website, but if you're interested, you can listen to my last two KBOO shows - one of them The Dickenbock Report, the other a sub show, at the following links:

The Dickenbock Report from June 2, 2020, is here.  This was the episode on International Sex Workers Day so there are lots of songs about, well, sex workers.

Well, darn.  It turns out that Thursday Morning's show didn't make it onto the web site.  I did it live, & despite some technical issues, I think it went all right.  Hm.  I'll have to add it to the Self Help Radio website.

So, yeah.  That's the 3400th post.  It's nothing special, but then again, .

June 4, 1983

Blogger didn't exist in 1983 (or did it?) (I didn't have a computer in 1983) (also, friends) (I didn't have any friends in 1983).  I might have actually had a blog in 1983, & it almost certainly would've been mainly about the Beatles, Elvis Costello, David Bowie, & comic books.  Not necessarily in that order.

Imagine how distracting it would have been to have had the internet in my youth!  At a time when I certainly never got anything done, I certainly would never have gotten anything done.  Oh shit my little brother & I would've constantly fought about using the one computer we had.  Which would've somehow been connected to the television, because we were poor.  Do you remember when people used their televisions as computer monitors?  I'd be trying to figure out how to find music videos & David Letterman clips while my little brother just wanted to watch wrestling all the time.

Almost certainly this would've happened: I'd have a blog.  I would write something nasty about my little brother (almost certainly) or some other member of my family (a probably if not a surely) & my little brother, who was a snitch extraordinaire, would have found it - he would be reading my blog mainly to find something to make fun of me within - he would have noticed some snark about him or someone else in the family - he would have printed it out - since almost no one else in the family would be using the computer for anything else except to watch wrestling - & he would have shown it to my mother, to try to get me intro trouble.

Would I have gotten into trouble?  Nah.  Maybe my oldest sister would have tried to lecture me, & maybe her husband would warn me that he would "kick my ass" if I did it again, but at that point they had ceased to be any big influence in my life.  Mostly the blog would confirm to them that I was "weird" - the most damning charge to be leveled at me at the time - & I would be less likely to go to the family gatherings I was increasingly unlikely to attend at this time.

One thing is certain: being an unpopular, somewhat introverted kid, I would've spent a great deal of time on the internet in 1983, possibly finding a decade earlier the same pseudo-community I would find on the usenet in the mid-1990s.  I would be up well into the night, not, as I did in the summer of 1983, watching late night television, but chatting with people far away - especially while everyone else was asleep & I could use the television as a computer monitor without having to fight my little brother for it.

There was a moment now when I thought I might try to recreate what a Gary blog from 1983 might be, but it would probably just be about what comics I bought that week.  June 4, 1983, was a Saturday, & I generally got my new comics from a bookstore on Fridays, so Saturday would be the day when I would talk breathlessly about the things I had purchased the day before.  That's not the kind of magic I can recreate these days.

But I can imagine it!

Self Help Radio 060120: An Odd Show

Is it redundant to have an odd Self Help Radio episode?  Or is the word I'm looking for "mediocre"?  In any event, the show tried to be odd, which maybe made it not so odd, in the same way trying to be cool is extremely uncool.  I dunno, it seemed like a good idea at the time.  Not trying to be cool, but an "odd show."  Now I'm regretting the whole thing.

But whatever, it's already up at the Self Help Radio website.  It's roughly two hours long, it's one file, what happens on the show is below, & of course remember you need a username (try SHR) & a password (try selfhelp) & you're good to go.

The phrase I keep hearing in my head when I think about the show is John Cleese in the Fish License sketch.  You can listen here, it's at around 2:03.  He says, "There's nothing so odd about that."  I think I use that phrase too often.  Maybe even on the show!

Anyway, enjoy it, oddball.

Self Help Radio Odd Show
"Angel Of The Odd" The Otto Show _The Otto Show_
"Winifer Odd" Lal & Mike Waterson _Bright Phoebus_
"Sport (The Odd Boy)" The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band _Cornology_

introduction & definitions

"Odd Man Out" The Hi-Fi's _Let's Go Down & Blow Our Minds: The British Psychedelic Sounds Of 1967_
"The Odd Man Out" Teenage Filmstars _This Is Mod, Vol. 2: More Rarities 1979-1981_
"Odd Objects" Laurie Anderson _United States Live_
"Even The Odd" The Trash Can Sinatras _Cake_
"Count In Odd Numbers" The Rock*A*Teens _Sixth House_

etymologies

"He's An Oddball" The Lewis Sisters _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 5: 1965_
"Odd Ball (Single Version)" Allan Sherman _My Son The Box_
"Mr. Odd" The Jazz Butcher _Cult Of The Basement_
"Oddballs" The Boy Least Likely To _The Best B Sides Ever_
"I Am The Odd One" Loney, Dear _Loney, Noir._

idioms interrupted by a Bowie mob

"Space Oddity (Demo) (feat. John Hutchinson)" David Bowie _Sound + Vision_
"Odd & The Frost Giants (Excerpt)" Neil Gaiman _Odd & The Frost Giants_
"Odd Jobs (Band Demo)" Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band _Grow Fins (Rarities 1965-1982)_
"What's The Odds" Passionate Friends _What's The Odds/Time Bandits 7"_
"Odds Of Forever" The Greeting Committee _This Is It_

idioms

"Odds & Ends" Dionne Warwick _The Look Of Love: The Burt Bacharach Collection_
"Odds & Ends" Freda Payne _Unhooked Generation: The Complete Invictus Recordings_
"Odds & Ends (Bits & Pieces)" Warren Smith _Call Of The Wild_
"Odds & Ends" The Weather Prophets _Temperance Hotel..._
"What Would The Odd Do?" Guerilla Toss _What Would The Odd Do?_

conclusion & goodbye

"Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)" The Postal Service _Give Up_
"Odditty" The Clean _Anthology_
"Small Houses Odd Cars" The Robocop Kraus _They Think They Are The Robocop Kraus_
"Odd Rod" Goddamn Gentlemen _Sex Caliber Horsepower_
"Oddstaker" The Clydes _Old-Time Monarchy_
"Odd Paws" Bibio _Vignetting The Compost

Whither An Odd Show?

(Image from here.)

What are the odds there'll be an odd Self Help Radio show tomorrow?  I'd say - fifty-fifty?

There's probably nothing odd about that - I've been incredibly inconsistent with the shows recently, & I've floated various theories, but certainly right now, it's because I have injured myself - I've made a doctor's appointment to see if I can get some advice or at least stronger meds - which makes it difficult to sit at a computer for too long a stretch, especially with the editing I usually do of my airbreaks.  (Which is why it would be perhaps easier to do a show live, which I will be attempting late tomorrow night/early Tuesday morning with the Dickenbock Report.)  But the second reason is surely the lack of deadline.  The show may or may not air on Freeform - currently they are not accepting two-hour programs for reasons that I shouldn't go into here - & I don't feel like cutting up the show into two one-hour blocks, as some Freeform folks are doing with their shows.  Anyway, without a deadline, I am less motivated, especially with muscles in my back hurting me.

But I have been working on the show all day & may get enough done that it might appear in the afternoon.  I actually have done not much work on the Dickenbock Report since I know I am doing it live.  I expect that will be a messy experiment.  But I'm willing to chance that rather than scramble to make a show when I am in a bunch of pain.

But!  Stranger things have happened than me getting my shit together!  So let's imagine the world is full of possibilities & there'll be a new Self Help Radio tomorrow!  If not, surely Tuesday!  Maybe Wednesday!  But certainly no later than that!

At Self Help Radio on the internets.  Meanwhile, there are new episodes of the Dickenbock Report & a KBOO sub show there if you really, really want to listen to prerecorded radio.

Preface To An Odd Show: Lowered Expectations

Have I mentioned - I might have mentioned - I know I must've mentioned - well, let me preface this by saying, I'm not getting any younger, & getting old is awful in many ways, primarily the physical ones.  I have looked forever for this one quote by Woody Allen, it's from an interview back when people wanted to interview him, he was talking about being in his early 70s, he said something about growing up, he said something like, "As you get older, you have to do more & more things every day to make sure you're okay, & it's very, very boring."

Which is not really about me, but about a week ago I did something stupid which caused me to pull? strain? tear? a muscle in my shoulder, & it makes sitting at a computer somewhat difficult.  It's better than it was a week ago, certainly, but I either am not taking good enough care of myself - I mean, I'm at a computer right now, typing away - or the injury is worse than I know, because I'm not healing as fast as I usually do when I pull a muscle.  & I'm always pulling some dumb muscle or other.

The point is, I am not happy sitting on my computer prerecording a radio show, & so I can't imagine it will be that much easier tomorrow.  I decided against having interviews this week because I knew that I didn't want to spend the time editing them, & today I had to prepare an "evergreen" mix of The Dickenbock Report in case the remote on Tuesday goes badly, so I've done very little work for SHR.

It doesn't mean I'm not going to work on the show tomorrow - I will.  I just don't know how much of it I'll get done before The Dickenbock Report needs to be prepared for its live remote debut Tuesday morning/Monday night.  So - if you have expectations of Self Help Radio, I'm sure they're already quite low.  But lower them anyway.

As Edywn Collins said,

You've been down this road before
Which is not to say you're bored
Or that you shouldn't want for more
It's just your expectations should be lower

Do It Live!

Some interesting news - for next week's The Dickenbock Report, I might be doing it live.

What?  How?

It will not be at the KBOO studios, alas.  Hardly anyone is there these days, as is expected.  Nope, I'll be doing it from home.

What?  How?

Using clever technologies, I'll be doing the show from my computer.  Playing music from my computer.  Talking on my own microphone.  It could go well.  It could go horribly wrong.

Might it be worth listening to just in case it goes wrong?  Oh yes.

May 28, 2011

This is a post I wrote nearly ten years ago before I did a show about the many ways to be called a devil, or Satan, without using the word "devil."  The playlist for the show is here..  I suppose if I were more thorough, I'd reupload the show, but I'm not going to.  Nyah.  Here's what I wrote in the "preface" to the show:

Did you enjoy being frightened as a child? I was torn between the joy of being terrified & the general sense of calling bullshit on a world that was extremely suspect when it came to proving its scary claims. I kind of had a proto-scientific bent when it came to things that scared me. Here are two stories about intrepid Gary as a ghost-hunter & demon-summoner.

I remember when that book "The Amityville Horror" came out. My mother was reading it - I don't know if she ever finished it - & we had a giant hard-cover copy sitting in the living room which I had checked out one afternoon. On the cover was a picture of the window from which the evil pig - or else just evil pig eyes, I don't remember - could be seen. That haunted me. The evening after I read a few pages - not very scary pages, I remember - I couldn't go to sleep until after I had gone downstairs & hidden the book in the oven. The oven, I guess I imagined, would protect me from evil spirits.

Success! I was able to fall asleep, & didn't wake up to an evil pig looking at me for purposes I left to my imagination. Great. But what about the next night?

Also, would my mother be mad at me for putting a book in an oven overnight? (I didn't turn the oven on.) (She didn't say anything to me about it.)

The next night I thought, look, if ghosts or demons are going to come get me - I think because something as flimsy as an oven - an oven for fuck's sake! - had prevented them from coming, they might not actually exist - then why not let them come? The next night I brought the book upstairs with me.

It stayed there until either my mother retrieved it or I simply forgot it was there. I guess I knew books had a certain power, but that book, I had discovered, was full of shit.

As for summoning a demon, well - even though as children we didn't have any real idea who "Bloody Mary" was, the name itself was pretty frightening. What's more, we knew that she was dead now but could be summoned. Why summoned? Why would anyone want to bring a murderess back from the dead? Who made that stupid rule? No matter, we knew there was a scary she-demon from the past who was described as "bloody" not because she was hurt but because she bloodied people up, & we knew how to call her.

Here's the way I remember the process.  & here's a description of it as a "game." But it was no game to us children.

Basically, you were supposed to go into a room without light (I thought immediately of a bathroom, since ours had no windows, although it was a more confined place), twirl twelve times saying "Bloody Mary!" (I chose to say it like Igor from the Frankenstein movies) & then, if you're not too sick, leaning into the mirror & saying her name a thirteenth time. She was supposed to appear &, out of gratitude for bringing her back, attack you & claw your eyes out.

The story intrigued me but I didn't know anyone who was brave enough to do it. So, one afternoon, when no one was around (I had enough sense at the age of nine or ten to realize that some people might think what I was doing was stupid), I gave it a shot. I confess I might have messed up the process some - as I said, the bathroom was small & I bumped into a lot of things as I was twirling - not to mention that I had to feel my way back around on the thirteenth turn to find the mirror - so all of this might have been rather disappointing to Mary - but of course she didn't come. I emerged with some bruises on my shins, but my eyes intact.

I was - & frankly still am - disappointed that I didn't live in a world with devils & demons & haunted books & mirrors. What has surprised me most about the people who live on this planet who still do think they live in a world with devils & demons & etc. is how easy it is to find out you don't all by yourself.

Instead Of Self Help Radio, Enjoy This

My new favorite thing.


lil dumpster fire takes a cruise through town during quarantine in this animated short from designboom on Vimeo.

It's A Day Where You Don't Have To Worry About A New Self Help Radio

So what does Gary do?

This Sunday, I planted a petunia.  It did not grow according to plan.  It became quite petulant & perturbed.  It objected to its plot.  The place I planted it.  It preferred a different plot.  What do I do with a petulant, perturbed petunia that prefers a different plot?  I replotted the petunia.

Also on Sunday, I took a nap.  Where did I take the nap?  I took it to my past.  This may not surprise anyone, but in my dreams I often am employed at the place where I haven't been employed in eleven years.  In this particular dream, I had an office outdoors.  Everyone commented on how inconvenient it would be to have a desk outdoors in - you know - inclement weather.  & when the Assistant Director of the department came out, he did ask me, "Do you even work here anymore?"

Nope!  I did not.

Oh yes, on this Sunday I also spoke with my mother, something I've done for every Sunday since - my gosh, it may be over twenty years.  My mother is ninety years old & she has Alzheimer's, & when I turn my speaker on when I talk to her, my wife claims she can't understand anything she's saying.  But I do.  & my mother doesn't have anyone to talk about, these days, but herself, & there's nothing to say.  She cannot hear any of my dialog, & her disease has compromised the audio clues that have encouraged her for so long.  When our connection was abruptly lost, she simply assumed I had said goodbye.

(This is something I confirmed with my sister, who is her caregiver.)

This Sunday I went for two walks, one in the morning, one in the early evening.  Should I complain about careless people not observing social distancing?  No, they are what they are.  I confess, I wish I went out with a mask, I might feel somehow morally superior - although that is not the reason for doing so.  Or is it?

People touch our dogs, that makes me flinch.  But I touch other people's dogs!  That also makes me flinch.  There are so many dogs!  I must give them treats.

But is there other radio?  Yes, there is the Dickenbock Report.  It gets recorded.  Because of crybaby injury, it take a while.  But.  It gets recorded.

No worries, though.  No worries for new Self Help Radio.  Those worries are in the future.  In the near future.  Holy shit.  It'll happen before you know it.

Happy Memorial Day.

Reminder: No New Self Help Radio This Week

It turns out it's good that I am not doing a show this week.  I pulled a muscle in my shoulder & everything hurts.  I am such a fucking baby.  I know people who deal with carpal tunnel, who have continual & constant pain every day, & I'm like, "No I can't sit up it hurts waaah."

My wife had to have surgery in her neck - one of the most dangerous places to have surgery - & she was in pain months before it happened.  But I know this will mostly be okay in a week but I am completely inconsolable.

There'll be a new Dickenbock Report on Tuesday & I'm working on it now but jeez it's taking forever & it's very, very uncomfortable to sit in front of a computer right now.  Seriously, though.  What a fucking whiny piece of shit I am.

May 22, 2007

Thirteen years ago on this blog I was about to see Morrissey for the first time live, & I was prepared to do a radio show in tribute to him.  This is what I wrote for the blog:

I have this dread feeling when it comes to people whom I admire greatly that, if left alone with them, I wouldn't be able to say anything & they'd dislike me immediately. This is partially why I have become such great friends with Scott McLellan*. Part of me wants to say it'd be different with Morrissey, but everyone thinks they'd have a great relationship with Morrissey. It's not like people who become friends with Elvis Costello, then come to loathe him because of his current wife. Morrissey's wife is, I'm told, very down to earth. Like June Cleaver with chest hair. She uses all parts of the tofu when she cooks it. She is, it has been widely reported, the sort of girl you'd bring home to meet mother. Not father. Mother.

I have never met Morrissey, & I won't when he comes to town this week. But I feel like I really, really know him. Not like that asshole Johnny Marr. Do I get a sense of him from the new Modest Mouse record? No! I get a Mousey feeling, but that fucker's not Modest. Why should he be? Didn't he write the music for "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"? Yes, he did. So he can call me all the names he wants. He can shit on my head when I am lying bleeding on the pavement because Morrissey kicked me in the teeth again, I DON'T CARE. He's allowed. But I still don't know him.

I used to know Morrissey, too. In his lean mean period, after he released one crappy record too many in the late 90s & was forced to turn to Bingo to make ends meet. You'll remember those days - I was afraid I had scarlet rubella, & you were daydreaming of making a reality television show where you'd be trapped on a desert island with only fifteen fifteen-year-old boys & girls & the soundtrack to "Hackers." Morrissey existed almost entirely in our heads, saved from ten years before when we were lonesome & we didn't want to believe people could take anything more seriously than we did. Morrissey disappeared, though - up the ass of the universe, I once heard you say - & you disappeared, too. You became part of Kenneth Lay's Ethics Squad & you were the number one Blowjob Researcher in Washington, DC.

Neither one of you did badly, though - Morrissey made a comeback & he's coming to town this week, & you went to the private sector & now study blowjobs for GE. I am estranged from you both. I guess, like the characters in the songs that Morrissey sings that I listen to & which I'll play on my show Friday, I got left behind.

No tears! I am not the saddest clown! Worry me not, endless past! I shall be free of you one day, if only because I plan to remove pieces of my brain one by one until I no longer remember grunge! I am prepared for collateral damage!

Tomorrow: a very long poem to Morrissey written when I was 17 & had never been kissed. Not even by Morrissey.

* I confess I had forgotten who this person was.  Wikipedia tells me, "Scott McClellan was the twenty-second White House Press Secretary for President George W. Bush, & author of a controversial No. 1 New York Times bestseller about the Bush Administration titled What Happened. He replaced Ari Fleischer as press secretary in July 2003 & served until May 10, 2006."  He's from Austin & he was literally born six days before I was.

Self Help Radio 051820: Keep It

(Original image here.)

Yes, yes, I know, I know, this show took too long to get to you.  It's almost guaranteed to not be worth the wait.  But it's yours now, you gotta keep it.

This past week I've learned I've overcommitted myself.  You'd think it would be easy to prerecord radio shows from home, but I am the farthest thing from a natural on the mic (you didn't need me to tell you that) so I spend a good deal of time editing my airbreaks.  Self Help Radio comes with its own issues with the interviews, which I edit & re-edit hoping to make them as entertaining as possible & also to make sure they showcase the best of the interviewees.  Suddenly I had two prerecords due for a deadline & Self Help Radio went by the wayside.  I hope Freeform gets its automation set up soon, I would not have done that if I knew I had to have it in by a certain time.

In any event, I'm going to skip next Monday to try to get ahead of the next cycle, & I have an extra episode of The Dickenbock Report to work on besides.  Meanwhile, please enjoy this nonsense which features too many versions of Dylan's "I'll Keep It With Mine" plus my funny friends being very, very funny.

The show is now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Remember the username - SHR - & password - selfhelp - because you'll need them.  The show is two hours long, what happens on the show is below.

Self Help Radio Keep It Show
"Keep It" Dexys Midnight Runners _Searching For The Young Soul Rebels_
"Keep It Comin'" Rufus _Rufus_
"Keep It Moving" Deep Sea Diver _History Speaks_

introduction, definitions, & kazoo

"I'll Keep It With Mine" Bob Dylan _Biograph_
"Keep It Clean" Rufus & Ben Quillian _Hokum, Blues, & Rags_
"Keep It To Yourself" Sonny Boy Williamson II _Sonny Boy Williamson_
"Keep It Simple" Allen Clapp & His Orchestra _One Hundred Percent Chance Of Rain_
"Keep It In The Family" Black Box Recorder _Life Is Unfair_

interview with horror writer Bartleby O'Brien

"I'll Keep It With Mine" Nico _Chelsea Girls_
"Keep It Up" The Boomtown Rats _The Fine Art Of Surfacing_
"Keep It In Mind" Tramway _A Brand Of Lovin'_
"How You Gonna Keep It (After You Get It)" Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 9: 1969_
"I Keep It Hid" Alice Clark _Alice Clark_

interview with trendsetter/trendspotter Duke Simpson

"I'll Keep It With Mine" Rainy Day _Rainy Day_
"Can't Keep It In" Cat Stevens _On The Road To Find Out_
"Keep It Together" Sprites _Starling, Spiders, Tiger, & Sprites_
"You Keep It All In" The Beautiful South _Welcome To The Beautiful South_
"Keep It For Your Own" Pop Etc _Pop Etc_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"I'll Keep It With Mine" Bettie Serveert _I Shot Andy Warhol: Music From & Inspired By The Motion Picture_
"Keep It Simple Stupid" The King Khan Experience _The King Khan Experience_
"Keep It In Motion" Guided By Voices _Class Clown Spots A UFO_
"Keep It Coming" The Manhattan Love Suicides _Burnt Out Landscapes_
"Keep It Surreal" Ride _Tomorrow's Shore_

conclusions, goodbye, phone call from Elliot Klifnerd, & kazoo

"I'll Keep It With Mine (Scott Hardkiss Remix)" Dean & Britta _13 Most Beautiful: Songs For Andy Warhol's Screen Tests_
"I'll Keep It Inside" Belle & Sebastian _Days Of The Bagnold Summer_
"Keep It In Mind" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Sexual Harassment_
"Keep It Together, Somehow" Bearsuit _Oh:io_
"Keep It From The Baby" Overlord _In Soviet Russia, My Heart Breaks You_

Whither Keep It?

(This is the first thing that comes up when I google "keep it."  It's apparently "a podcast about pop culture, politics, & what happens when they smack into each other at alarming speed."  I'm sure it's great.)

A brief interview with myself about the current state of Self Help Radio:

What's the current state of Self Help Radio?

Hey, I'm still doing it weekly.  It's just not appearing every week at a specific time like when it's on a regular radio schedule.

Why not?

Because they haven't got the automation set up properly at Freeform at the moment.  Hopefully some time in June, the show will air during its regular time slot.

So it's not because you're lazy?

This has nothing to do with laziness.  I have been subbing shows on KBOO, & I've been doing The Dickenbock Report, & those shows air at a specific time, & the prerecords have to be ready twenty-four hours before that, so I am prioritizing those.

When does Self Help Radio air on Freeform?

That's something I don't know.  All the content - except the special episodes on Friday & Saturday - are random.  A couple of weeks ago I got a note that the April 6th show was airing on a Thursday night.  In that way it's probably unfair to foist Self Help Radio on an unsuspecting public.  At least when it's on during its regular time, you have fair warning to avoid it!

It just seems like it's taking you longer & longer to do an episode.  Why is that?

It might be because there's no deadline.  I am a serial procrastinator, & deadlines keep me honest.  We'll see what happens when the show is more regularly scheduled.  Plus...

What?

This might not be the best place to announce it, but starting June 9th, I'll be re-doing old recent episodes of Self Help Radio to air on KBOO on alternate weeks from The Dickenbock Report!  It might only be for a couple of months, but I'm excited!

Will there be a new show tomorrow, then?

Yes, I hope so.

Yes, you hope so?

All I can say is, check back here tomorrow, or on the SHR Facebook page, or on the show's Twitter page.  I am working on it now.  I hope to have it done by tomorrow.  Or just keep an eye on Self Help Radio website.  That's where everything ends up.

Okay, well, thanks for letting me interview you, me.

You're welcome me!

Preface To Keep It: Keep It How?

Keep it away from me.
Keep it between the lines.
Keep it clean.
Keep it down.
Keep it easy.
Keep it fresh.
Keep it going.
Keep it handy.
Keep it in your pants.
Keep it juicy.
Keep it kool.
Keep it light.
Keep it mellow.
Keep it natural.
Keep it on the down low.
Keep it positive.
Keep it quiet.
Keep it real.
Keep it simple.
Keep it together.
Keep it up.
Keep it vague.
Keep it weird.
Keep it x-l-ent.
Keep it (to) yourself.
Keep it zen.