Man, I wish I had the time to count my shows! It was hard enough making the "table of contents" page back in the day! But as I keep saying, there's just no way this could be Self Help Radio's thousandth show. Shall I show the math?
The show debuted in October 2002. That's about seventeen years & nine months (or let's say thirty-six) weeks ago. Seventeen years is approximately 884 weeks. Plus 36 is 920 shows. That assumes, however, that I have produced an episode of Self Help Radio every week during that time, which is, of course, not true. Just this year I skipped an entire month because of the pandemic. That means there have been (probably) less than nine hundred episodes of Self Help Radio.
But what about other shows, like the Dickenbock Report, which explored different themes? I am currently not counting them nor putting them on my "table of contents" page. But that doesn't mean I haven't done that in the past - the show I did on XRAY for National Radio Day is on there. Should I count those?
What I've decided to do is create a kind of spreadsheet (ugh) to keep track of the number of shows I've done. Although I can't do a "one thousand" show for the actual one-thousandth Self Help Radio episode now. At least I can note it.
Saturday, July 18, 2020
Friday, July 17, 2020
Garden Envy
(Observations in haiku)
My wife envies this
Your new garden lush & green
She'll tell me, not you
My wife slanders you
She claims you use pesticides,
Toxic chemicals
See your berry bush!
Ripe berries in your front yard!
Urban foraging!
My wife built raised beds
To thwart the slugs; now she finds
Paw prints in the soil
Is it wrong to try
To make friends with the neighbors
Whose gardens are great?
The neighbor's caught on!
She smiles at our poor garden
"Better luck next year!"
My wife envies this
Your new garden lush & green
She'll tell me, not you
My wife slanders you
She claims you use pesticides,
Toxic chemicals
See your berry bush!
Ripe berries in your front yard!
Urban foraging!
My wife built raised beds
To thwart the slugs; now she finds
Paw prints in the soil
Is it wrong to try
To make friends with the neighbors
Whose gardens are great?
The neighbor's caught on!
She smiles at our poor garden
"Better luck next year!"
Thursday, July 16, 2020
July 16, 2020
There's too time today to find an interesting post from my past, so enjoy this radio-related comic from
Poorly Drawn Lines, one of my favorite internet comics:
(The original is here.)
Poorly Drawn Lines, one of my favorite internet comics:
Monday, July 13, 2020
Self Help Radio 071320: Lessons
(Using a cheat sheet on a Self Help Radio lesson! For shame! Original image here.)
You're expecting me to start this with something like, "What have we learned?" Sorry, not going to play your game. I learned my lesson long ago about conforming to expectations. It makes one well-liked, happy, & satisfied. I mean, have you heard this show?
There certainly were a lot of lessons on today's show. Although now that it's over, I can't think of a one. Something probably about knowing oneself. Maybe something about love? I did what I always do, I dozed off while the lecturer was going on & on, just reading off the Powerpoint slide. I did have nice dreams though. I always had the best dreams sleeping in class. & I woke so refreshed! It makes one wish one could return to school. To get better rest.
The lesson of all this is that Self Help Radio had a show this morning & you can listen to it now & anytime really at the Self Help Radio website. You must remember your username (SHR) & password (selfhelp) to access the lesson. It's only one lesson, though. There's really not much the show has to teach you. The syllabus is below.
Do not begin the test until you are told to do so.
Self Help Radio Lessons Show
"I Learned My Lesson" Bobby Blue Bland _I Pity The Fool: The Duke Recordings, Vol. 1_
"The Lessons To Unlearn" Fonda _The Strange & The Familiar_
"Lesson One" Gavin Guss _On High_
introduction, definitions, & Tom Homonym interrupts!
"Piano Lessons" Poison Girls _Statement_
"Piano Lessons For Beauty Queens" Tullycraft _The Singles_
"King Arthur & The 'Old Woman': A Lesson In Anarcho-Syndicated Commune Living" Monty Python _The Album Of The Soundtrack Of The Trailer Of The Film Of Monty Python & The Holy Grail_
"Lesson" Sarah Shook & The Disarmers _Years_
"Funkin' Lesson" X Clan _Funkin' Lesson_
interview with Darius Allen Hook Shariaty
"Lesson 2 (James Brown Mix)" Double Dee & Steinski _What Does It All Mean?: 1983-2006 Retrospective_
"Love Lesson" Mickey & Sylvia _Love Is Strange: All The Hit Singles As & Bs 1950-1962_
"Lessons" Kate Tempest _The Book Of Traps & Lessons_
"The Lesson Of Sodom (According To Lot)" Momus _Circus Maximus_
"The Heart's Filthy Lesson" David Bowie _Outside_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"History Lessons" Allo Darlin' _We Come From The Same Place_
"There's A Lesson To Be Learned" Gladys Knight & The Pips _All I Need Is Time_
"Lady Lessons" Nancy Kulp & Donna Douglas _Flatt & Scruggs 1964-1969, Plus_
"French Lessons" Metrovavan _Little Darla Has A Treat For You, Volume 18: Winter 2002_
"Lesson Learned The Hard Way" Death By Unga Bunga _Tell Me Why EP_
interview with Coach Miller
"Lesson In Survival" Joni Mitchell _For The Roses_
"Learned My Lessons" Jenny O. _Automechanic_
"Italian Lesson No. 3" Space Ghost _Space Ghost's Surf & Turf_
"How I Learned My Lesson" X _Under The Big Black Sun_
"A Lesson We Should Learn" The Mighty Diamonds _Jam Session_
conclusion & goodbye
"Free Guitar Lessons For Animals" Flossie & The Unicorns _L M N O P_
"Let That Be A Lesson To You" Louis Armstrong _The Complete Louis Armstrong Decca Sessions (1935-46)_
"You've Been Taking Lessons In Love" Fats Waller _1935_
Sunday, July 12, 2020
Whither Lessons?
(Image from here.)
Who's ready to learn something? Uh oh. Self Help Radio is not ready to teach anything. No, the best the show will be able to do this week is talk about lessons, rather than give lessons. But - is there a difference?
Can you look over a lesson without learning at least a little something about the lesson? Perhaps - but for the sake of argument, which is to say, to pretend that perhaps there might be something to learn in this week's Self Help Radio, let's say no, you can't. Simply knowing the outline of a lesson by its nature teaches you something. Even if the lesson is in a foreign language you don't understand.
Oh damn it, I took it too far.
Anyway, if you're fond of lessons, but not learning, or if you're fond of lessons & learning, but can get by without learning much at all, or even if you're not fond of lessons or learning but wouldn't mind hearing a bunch of songs about lessons, then you'll want to tune in to Freeform Portland tomorrow morning at 8am for this week's Self Help Radio. It'll happen from 8 to 10am on 90.3 & 98.3 fm & online at freeformportland.org.
No word yet whether there'll be a test & if there is whether there'll be a curve.
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Preface To Lessons: The Brain Asks Questions It Tries To Answer
How do I store memories, asks the brain. In bottles or socks, in chests of drawers or boxes? In discrete rectangles of time, in little flashes of electricity that bounce from neuron to neuron?
Or do I store memories at all, asks the brain. Do I not so much store them as revise them, a painting never completed? Do I not so much store them as rewrite them, an editing job unending?
But then how do I lose memories, asks the brain. Do the mice that live inside me nibble away at them until they're mere fragments? Do they simply fade away like vanishing gods, no longer worshipped, so only crumbling temples & inscriptions remain?
Why teach me anything, asks the brain. Would I not learn my lessons anyway? Would those lessons eventually molder & sleep, sighing fitfully under ever more memories stowed away in the dark, dusty attic of the mind?
It's too bad I love learning lessons, thinks the brain. Sometimes, though, I think I haven't learned anything at all.
Or do I store memories at all, asks the brain. Do I not so much store them as revise them, a painting never completed? Do I not so much store them as rewrite them, an editing job unending?
But then how do I lose memories, asks the brain. Do the mice that live inside me nibble away at them until they're mere fragments? Do they simply fade away like vanishing gods, no longer worshipped, so only crumbling temples & inscriptions remain?
Why teach me anything, asks the brain. Would I not learn my lessons anyway? Would those lessons eventually molder & sleep, sighing fitfully under ever more memories stowed away in the dark, dusty attic of the mind?
It's too bad I love learning lessons, thinks the brain. Sometimes, though, I think I haven't learned anything at all.
Friday, July 10, 2020
Getting Ahead Of Myself
Here's something you might not know: next week's Self Help Radio is done.
What does that mean? Well, to facilitate the placement of shows on Freeform's schedule - all the current shows are prerecorded - the powers-that-be asked that they be turned in three days (72 hours) in advance for reviewers to make sure that they have proper legal IDs & they don't have naughty words (if they're on during the day). I have no problem with this. & so next week's Self Help Radio was finished this morning around 7am. It was due at 8am. I am completely incapable of doing anything until the last possible minute.
The point is, this morning I recorded my final airbreak for the show in which I mentioned that the theme of the next show (on July 20) has the theme "one thousand." & I thought, as I was recording the airbreak, did I do that because that will be Self Help Radio's one-thousandth show? Could it actually be?
Because that wasn't my intention choosing that theme. Still. Wouldn't it be weird if that were the case? Tonight, I did a little digging.
Using the themes page at the website, I tried to count the number of episodes of Self Help Radio I have done. Remember, I've done the show since 2002. Did the number come to one thousand?
Suspense. Suspense. Suspense.
No, it did not. A rough estimate is around nine hundred shows. You may be like, "Dude, you've been on since 2002, you have have a thousand shows by now, bra!"
But should I? The show's been on for eighteen years, & averaging one show a week for that time, the number should be - this would be in October - 936. & I know I haven't done a show every week without pause for eighteen years.
My subconscious was not telling me there were one thousand episodes of Self Help Radio. That won't happen for a couple of years. I wonder what nonsensical theme will be explored in spite of that momentous occasion?
What does that mean? Well, to facilitate the placement of shows on Freeform's schedule - all the current shows are prerecorded - the powers-that-be asked that they be turned in three days (72 hours) in advance for reviewers to make sure that they have proper legal IDs & they don't have naughty words (if they're on during the day). I have no problem with this. & so next week's Self Help Radio was finished this morning around 7am. It was due at 8am. I am completely incapable of doing anything until the last possible minute.
The point is, this morning I recorded my final airbreak for the show in which I mentioned that the theme of the next show (on July 20) has the theme "one thousand." & I thought, as I was recording the airbreak, did I do that because that will be Self Help Radio's one-thousandth show? Could it actually be?
Because that wasn't my intention choosing that theme. Still. Wouldn't it be weird if that were the case? Tonight, I did a little digging.
Using the themes page at the website, I tried to count the number of episodes of Self Help Radio I have done. Remember, I've done the show since 2002. Did the number come to one thousand?
Suspense. Suspense. Suspense.
No, it did not. A rough estimate is around nine hundred shows. You may be like, "Dude, you've been on since 2002, you have have a thousand shows by now, bra!"
But should I? The show's been on for eighteen years, & averaging one show a week for that time, the number should be - this would be in October - 936. & I know I haven't done a show every week without pause for eighteen years.
My subconscious was not telling me there were one thousand episodes of Self Help Radio. That won't happen for a couple of years. I wonder what nonsensical theme will be explored in spite of that momentous occasion?
Thursday, July 09, 2020
July 9, 2017
Three years ago, I decided to start a series that I never finished or really added very much to, called "Things I Really Hate." The first was "Being Stuck In Traffic." I had been back in Texas for a year & was spending way too much time in traffic. It was awful. I can't believe I lived like that for two more years. & not only that - I never got into an accident. I swear I thought I'd be in an accident like a hundred times.
Here's what I wrote:
You know, I'm the sort of guy who doesn't hate things. If someone I know says they hate a band or a musician, I am more likely to say I just don't like them. Opinions are opinions, there's no accounting for taste, etc. I once told someone at a radio station who was shitting on an artist that they just didn't like them, that many other people liked them, that they couldn't dismiss them out of hand as "bad" just because they had a negative opinion.
But traffic is different. Look. Human drive cars. Humans who are stupid have accidents that cause traffic. Humans who are stupid decide in a situation where their attention should be on the road to do other shit. They decide to drive poorly. They decide to talk to their moronic friends on their phones. They decide to do anything but as quickly as possible get from one place to another.
This happened yesterday: while taking my wife to the airport, I found myself on a highway reduced to a standstill. At one point, someone decided to just sit in her car & use the time to rummage through her back seat. Yards of empty space opened before her idling minivan. People honked. To no avail.
The reason for the slowdown was an accident at an important exit so also fuck those guys. But traffic slowdowns are not excuses to fuck around. Everyone in their cars is just as important as everyone else. When you as a driver decide to be nonchalant, you're fucking everyone else over. Also, if you decide you're more important than anyone else, &, say, decide to drive on the shoulder - you're also fucking everyone else over. God damn it!
But that moment when everyone isn't moving, & it seems like nothing is happening, & there's no way out - agh! I hate that. I feel like someone who's about to go crazy.
Today I drove in a terrible storm. Rain & hail were blowing sideways, the streets filled with water, it was terrifying. But I would prefer that to being stuck in traffic.
Seriously.
Here's what I wrote:
(This nightmare photo from here.)
You know, I'm the sort of guy who doesn't hate things. If someone I know says they hate a band or a musician, I am more likely to say I just don't like them. Opinions are opinions, there's no accounting for taste, etc. I once told someone at a radio station who was shitting on an artist that they just didn't like them, that many other people liked them, that they couldn't dismiss them out of hand as "bad" just because they had a negative opinion.
But traffic is different. Look. Human drive cars. Humans who are stupid have accidents that cause traffic. Humans who are stupid decide in a situation where their attention should be on the road to do other shit. They decide to drive poorly. They decide to talk to their moronic friends on their phones. They decide to do anything but as quickly as possible get from one place to another.
This happened yesterday: while taking my wife to the airport, I found myself on a highway reduced to a standstill. At one point, someone decided to just sit in her car & use the time to rummage through her back seat. Yards of empty space opened before her idling minivan. People honked. To no avail.
The reason for the slowdown was an accident at an important exit so also fuck those guys. But traffic slowdowns are not excuses to fuck around. Everyone in their cars is just as important as everyone else. When you as a driver decide to be nonchalant, you're fucking everyone else over. Also, if you decide you're more important than anyone else, &, say, decide to drive on the shoulder - you're also fucking everyone else over. God damn it!
But that moment when everyone isn't moving, & it seems like nothing is happening, & there's no way out - agh! I hate that. I feel like someone who's about to go crazy.
Today I drove in a terrible storm. Rain & hail were blowing sideways, the streets filled with water, it was terrifying. But I would prefer that to being stuck in traffic.
Seriously.
Monday, July 06, 2020
Self Help Radio 070620: Dragons
(Ouchies. Original image https://www.pinterest.com/pin/509258670348886614/">here
.)Yay, dragons! I always thought I was a dragon. Maybe a dragon cursed to walk the earth in human form. But once I break this curse, watch out!
But what kind of dragon am I? It's cool I can discover thanks to an internet quiz! It turns out I'm a very sad, old, weak dragon with poor personal hygiene & low self-esteem. Thanks, internet. You wouldn't have been so mean ten years ago.
Even if I'm not a rad dragon, I still think dragons are rad, & if you feel the same, have I got a radio show for you! It's this week's Self Help Radio, which features lots of dragon songs, interviews with people who know a thing or two about dragons, & a chance to ride on an actual dragon (okay, that last one didn't happen, but wouldn't it be cool if it did?).
Listen now at Self Help Radio dot net. Remember the username & password - SHR + selfhelp. What happens on the show is listed below. Respect a dragon's hoard of wealth! If you need a loan, just ask. Stealing is wrong!
Self Help Radio Dragons Show
"The Green-Eyed Dragon" John Charles Thomas _An Affectionate Recollection_
"In The Days Of Old" Emitt Rhodes _The Emitt Rhodes Recordings (1969-1973)_
"Cutest Lil' Dragon" Danielson Famile _Tri-Danielson!!! (Omega)_
introduction & definitions
"Puff, The Magic Dragon" Peter, Paul, & Mary _The Very Best Of Peter, Paul, & Mary_
"Dragon # 1" Helium _Ends With And_
"St George & The Dragonet" Stan Freberg _The Capitol Collectors Series_
"Red Dragon Tattoo" Fountains Of Wayne _Utopia Parkway_
"Dragon Blood" MC Lars _The Zombie Dinosaur LP_
interview with folklorist Melbourne Adkins
"Dungeons & Dragons" Montt Mardie _Skaizerkite_
"In League With Dragons" The Mountain Goats _In League With Dragons_
"Komodo Dragon" Bob & Ray _The Two & Only_
"Dragonhead" Throwing Muses _Hunkpapa_
"The Dragon" Biz Markie _The Biz Never Sleeps_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"Slaying Of The Dragon" Constantine _In Memory Of A Summer Day_
"Dragon's Ear" Tyrannosaurus Rex _A Beard Of Stars_
"Albi" Flight Of The Conchords _Folk The World Tour_
"Where Is My Dragon?" Felix _You Are The One I Pick_
"Dragons" Possessed By Paul James _There Will Be Nights When I'm Lonely_
interview with Alyssa & Jason
"Big Red Dragon" Little Green Cars _Absolute Zero_
"Dragons Awake" Guided By Voices _Do The Collapse_
"The Dragon Of Grindly Grun" Shel Silverstein _The Best Of Shel Silverstein (His Words His Songs His Friends)_
"Dragon" Smoke Fairies _Through Low Light & Trees_
"Dragons To Slay" Garland Jeffreys _Truth Serum_
conclusion & goodbye
"The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins" Leonard Nimoy _Spaced Out: The Best Of Leonard Nimoy & William Shatner_
"Blue Dragon" Hot Lava _Lavalogy_
"Pitied Be The Dragon Hunter" The Buckinghams _Time & Charges_
"The Prince & The Dragon" The Story Lady _The Story Lady_
"Dragons" Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors _Dragons_
Sunday, July 05, 2020
Whither Dragons?
(Jack Horner becomes a dragon, from the comic Fables, found here.)
It's at this point I think many people are asking not "why is this week's Self Help Radio a show about dragons" but instead "why did it take you do long to do a show about dragons?" To which the answer is, "I don't know I'm sorry!"
Because like dragons are awesome. Dragons are so awesome I want to capitalize them like a German noun every time I write them. I am doing a show about Dragons this week. Don't you love Dragons? Wasn't it insane on that episode of Game Of Thrones when it took them almost no time to get from King's Landing to the Wall riding on the backs of Dragons? In my opinion that's when the show experienced a sharp drop in quality. I'm sorry, did this become some kind of stupid fan whine about Games Of Thrones or am I announcing that this week's Self Help Radio is a show about Dragons?
Aw, can't it be both?
No, it can't, & you'll want to tune in tomorrow from 8-10am Portland time to 90.3/98.3 fm Freeform Portland also online at Freeform Portland dot org. So many Dragons stop by! It's gonna be awesome.
Saturday, July 04, 2020
Preface To Dragons: In Days Of Old
Happy America Birthday! As I write this, my dogs are all freaked out because it sounds like a warzone in the neighborhood. There are many irked folks on Next Door but I remember loving fireworks when I was a kid so maybe this is for kids. Although it's almost midnight. I suspect it's just drunk adults. Hope they don't blow any appendages off!
Since the show is prerecorded, & since I've already turned it in, I can tell you that I talked to my "youngest friends" Alyssa & Jason today & I asked them when their first exposure to dragons happened. They seemed to remember (slight spoiler alert) but of course didn't give me the chance to tell them mine because I was interviewing them & not vis vossa. Can I tell you here, though? Since you're interviewing me right now?
The truth is, I can't remember. I suspect I read a King Arthur type story that had a dragon, or perhaps there was a Japanese monster based on a dragon, or there was a dragon in a comic book - maybe when Superman went back in time in one of those corny 60s DC comics. I loved them, of course. What's not to look about dragons?
My favorite dragon however is not the trio from Game Of Thrones or Smaug from The Hobbit or any of the cool ones you might get to battle in Dungeons & Dragons. My favorite dragon came way late in my life. It's Jack Of Fables.*
If you don't know what Fables is, you can read the Wikipedia entry about it. It's basically a comic book by Bill Willingham & many artists which the article summarizes thus: "The series features various characters from fairy tales & folklore – referring to themselves as 'Fables' – who formed a clandestine community centuries ago within New York City known as Fabletown, after their Homelands have been conquered by a mysterious & deadly enemy known as 'The Adversary.' It is set in the modern day & follows several of Fabletown's legal representatives, such as sheriff Bigby Wolf, deputy mayor Snow White, her sister Rose Red, Prince Charming, & Boy Blue, as they deal with troublesome Fables & try to solve conflicts in both Fabletown and 'the Farm,' a hidden town in upstate New York for Fables unable to blend in with human society. The series also deals with such other matters as the main characters' personal lives, their attempts to hide the Fables' true nature from regular humans (or 'Mundies'), &, later, the return of the Adversary."
In one of the spin-offs of the series, called Jack Of Fables, which features Jack Horner, there is an explanation of a dragon that I found fascinating. Jack accumulates so much gold & gems & treasure that he becomes fatter & fatter, gorging on wealth. He basically turns into a dragon. It's the origin of both dragons & their caverns full of riches. I thought Willingham came up with this independently, but Wikipedia tells me it's based on the Norse mythological character Fafnir. Who was an inspiration for Smaug. Who is the favorite dragon of many.
Also I always liked Lockheed in the X-Men comics. I wanted a Lockheed so badly.
It's safe to say that dragons still charm me. I hope the show is able to capture some of that.
* Here's something embarrassing. When I save comics on my computer, I usually just put them in a folder with the title in small letters without spaces. So there's a folder in my comics folder called "jackoffables." I might as well have just named it "porn."
Since the show is prerecorded, & since I've already turned it in, I can tell you that I talked to my "youngest friends" Alyssa & Jason today & I asked them when their first exposure to dragons happened. They seemed to remember (slight spoiler alert) but of course didn't give me the chance to tell them mine because I was interviewing them & not vis vossa. Can I tell you here, though? Since you're interviewing me right now?
The truth is, I can't remember. I suspect I read a King Arthur type story that had a dragon, or perhaps there was a Japanese monster based on a dragon, or there was a dragon in a comic book - maybe when Superman went back in time in one of those corny 60s DC comics. I loved them, of course. What's not to look about dragons?
My favorite dragon however is not the trio from Game Of Thrones or Smaug from The Hobbit or any of the cool ones you might get to battle in Dungeons & Dragons. My favorite dragon came way late in my life. It's Jack Of Fables.*
If you don't know what Fables is, you can read the Wikipedia entry about it. It's basically a comic book by Bill Willingham & many artists which the article summarizes thus: "The series features various characters from fairy tales & folklore – referring to themselves as 'Fables' – who formed a clandestine community centuries ago within New York City known as Fabletown, after their Homelands have been conquered by a mysterious & deadly enemy known as 'The Adversary.' It is set in the modern day & follows several of Fabletown's legal representatives, such as sheriff Bigby Wolf, deputy mayor Snow White, her sister Rose Red, Prince Charming, & Boy Blue, as they deal with troublesome Fables & try to solve conflicts in both Fabletown and 'the Farm,' a hidden town in upstate New York for Fables unable to blend in with human society. The series also deals with such other matters as the main characters' personal lives, their attempts to hide the Fables' true nature from regular humans (or 'Mundies'), &, later, the return of the Adversary."
In one of the spin-offs of the series, called Jack Of Fables, which features Jack Horner, there is an explanation of a dragon that I found fascinating. Jack accumulates so much gold & gems & treasure that he becomes fatter & fatter, gorging on wealth. He basically turns into a dragon. It's the origin of both dragons & their caverns full of riches. I thought Willingham came up with this independently, but Wikipedia tells me it's based on the Norse mythological character Fafnir. Who was an inspiration for Smaug. Who is the favorite dragon of many.
Also I always liked Lockheed in the X-Men comics. I wanted a Lockheed so badly.
It's safe to say that dragons still charm me. I hope the show is able to capture some of that.
* Here's something embarrassing. When I save comics on my computer, I usually just put them in a folder with the title in small letters without spaces. So there's a folder in my comics folder called "jackoffables." I might as well have just named it "porn."
Friday, July 03, 2020
Too Far To Read That
There are windows that look out into windows, & can't see beyond that. I myself today saw a gigantic house which had a giant garden, & within that garden, hidden from view, another garden.
There are things I want to tell you, but in-between memory & time, I find I don't have the vocabulary. This isn't as simple as checking a thesaurus. This is as deep as the moment after you fall asleep & the moment you begin to dream.
This is not to say that oneself is unknowable, this is simply a check on hubris. Which is? Is there an online definition? What do you have to say for yourself?
"excessive pride or self-confidence"
The sort of thing that should never be rewarded.
Time is a jet plane, it moves too fast. Most messages I mean to mention fall by the wayside.
Hey, I've been meaning to ask, are you watching "High Fidelty" on Hulu? I read the book a long time ago but loved the movie & tonight I decided I loved the television series. It made me wish I could be around music snobs more. I am not around any of them these days.
What the fuck was I going on about? I am not well-equipped for this nonsense.
But I confess I love vague poetry. (Is that redundant?)
Children leave the porch as the light fades
But what they scribbled on the concrete
Shines throughout the night
Boom! Make me Poet Laureate Of Something.
There are things I want to tell you, but in-between memory & time, I find I don't have the vocabulary. This isn't as simple as checking a thesaurus. This is as deep as the moment after you fall asleep & the moment you begin to dream.
This is not to say that oneself is unknowable, this is simply a check on hubris. Which is? Is there an online definition? What do you have to say for yourself?
"excessive pride or self-confidence"
The sort of thing that should never be rewarded.
Time is a jet plane, it moves too fast. Most messages I mean to mention fall by the wayside.
Hey, I've been meaning to ask, are you watching "High Fidelty" on Hulu? I read the book a long time ago but loved the movie & tonight I decided I loved the television series. It made me wish I could be around music snobs more. I am not around any of them these days.
What the fuck was I going on about? I am not well-equipped for this nonsense.
But I confess I love vague poetry. (Is that redundant?)
Children leave the porch as the light fades
But what they scribbled on the concrete
Shines throughout the night
Boom! Make me Poet Laureate Of Something.
Thursday, July 02, 2020
July 2, 2016
This is nice. A friend in Kentucky - who may not have known because I was keeping it under my hat that we were about to move back to Texas - was asked by me to cover a song I didn't much like for a show with the theme "take it easy." Not only did she do it, she nailed it, & made me a fan of the song besides. Well, a fan of her version of the song. Here's the post from that day when I shared the song after the show aired:
When first thinking about the idea of Self Help Radio - well, what I was going to say was just not true. I wasn't thinking much about "the idea of Self Help Radio" back in 2002 when I started this show. I was thinking about doing a radio show again after not having a regular gig since I left KVRX in 1999, & I had to come up with a kind of gimmick to justify my existence on KOOP. This is true - most of the things that make up the average Self Help Radio episode - with the exception of songs adhering to a theme - weren't there in the first episodes. Maybe not in the first year!
Anyway, later on, I would ask folks who were musicians (& usually friends of mine) if they would like to contribute to the show in some way - mostly, of course, by contributing a song for a particular theme. The big question is of course "Why?" Why would anyone want to contribute anything to this unimportant radio show? Luckily, some people did - for reasons I can't imagine - & just this week it happened again!
Jenny of Owlsey County recorded a lovely, slyly transformative version of a song I have issues with. I am so very grateful she took the time to do it, & am very flattered it appeared on this week's show. Here it is, please enjoy:
When first thinking about the idea of Self Help Radio - well, what I was going to say was just not true. I wasn't thinking much about "the idea of Self Help Radio" back in 2002 when I started this show. I was thinking about doing a radio show again after not having a regular gig since I left KVRX in 1999, & I had to come up with a kind of gimmick to justify my existence on KOOP. This is true - most of the things that make up the average Self Help Radio episode - with the exception of songs adhering to a theme - weren't there in the first episodes. Maybe not in the first year!
Anyway, later on, I would ask folks who were musicians (& usually friends of mine) if they would like to contribute to the show in some way - mostly, of course, by contributing a song for a particular theme. The big question is of course "Why?" Why would anyone want to contribute anything to this unimportant radio show? Luckily, some people did - for reasons I can't imagine - & just this week it happened again!
Jenny of Owlsey County recorded a lovely, slyly transformative version of a song I have issues with. I am so very grateful she took the time to do it, & am very flattered it appeared on this week's show. Here it is, please enjoy:
Monday, June 29, 2020
Self Help Radio 062920: Basements
(Original image here.)
Hooray! Self Help Radio is back on Freeform at its regular time! What a joy!
Hm, I'm trying to think if there's anything I can say about basements here that wasn't covered on the show. Am I glad I chose not to talk about this article from 2015 which claims "Newly constructed homes in the United States are most likely to be built on a slab foundation, according to the National Association of Home Builders, but basements remain the footing of choice in colder climates"? Yes! Why bring fans of basements down? The show was a celebration after all!
No, it's time to share the show on the Self Help Radio web site, happy in the knowledge we did our best, hoping the basements out there appreciate it. I meant basement enthusiasts. Basements aren't sentient things. Ha ha ha who would think that.
What happened on the show is below. Remember the username/password - SHR/selfhelp. & enjoy your basement!
Self Help Radio Basements Show
"The Basement Blues" Noble Sissle & His Orchestra _Ken Burns Jazz: Sidney Bechet_
"Basement Session" Joe Morgan _Wackies Sampler, Vol. 2_
"Basement Blues" Nikki Sudden & The Jacobites _Texas_
introduction & definitions
"Down In The Basement" Ma Rainey & Her Georgia Band _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Vol. 1: 1917-1927_
"I Don't Wanna Go Down To The Basement" Ramones _Ramones_
"Whatever You Do, Don't Go In The Basement" Swimmer One _The Regional Variations_
"Young Miles In The Basement" Pere Ubu _The Art Of Walking_
"Uncle Henry's Basement" The Jesters _The Best Of The Jesters_
interview with basement installation artist Legend D'Oro
"Legal Tender" The B-52's _Whammy!_
"Basement Flat" McGough & McGear _McGough & McGear_
"Basement Kiss (Live)" Elvis Costello & The Attractions _The Other End Of The Telescope_
"In The Basement" The Can't Tells _No Television_
"The Basement" Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth _Mecca & The Soul Brother_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"Secret Meeting" The National _Alligator_
"In The Basement (Part 1) (with Sugar Pie DeSanto)" Etta James _The Essential Etta James_
"Down In The Basement" King Coleman _It's Dance Time!_
"Boogin' In The Basement" Ivory Joe Hunter _The Chronological Ivory Joe Hunter 1945-1947_
"Basement Money" Mates Of State _Mountaintops_
interview with basement enthusiast Ben
"Down In The Basement Blues" Big Bill Broonzy _Do That Guitar Rag: 1928-1935_
"Basement Band Song" The Organ _Grab That Gun_
"Electra's Crying Loaded In The Basement" Revolving Paint Dream _Mother Watch Me Burn_
"The Penthouse In The Basement" My Life Story _Mornington Crescent_
"Basement" Real Estate _Reality_
conclusion & goodbye
"Basement" Deerhunter _Deerhunter_
"Back To The Basement" The Queers _Back To The Basement_
"Basements" Pipas _Sorry Love_
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Whither Basements?
(Image from the appropriately-entitled ifinishedmybasement.com.)
Let me let you in on a little secret: I have only lived in one place that had a basement. Basements are not that common in Texas, & most of my childhood & adolescence, I lived in apartments. No, the first & only home in which I ever lived that had a basement was in Huntington, West Virginia.
It wasn't very large, & we primarily used it for storage, including overflow groceries, although going down to the basement to get more beans or whatever soon became a hassle, so we ended up just keeping extra stuff in the panty. I remember it has an unusual smell, & was always a little chilly down there, & it flooded a couple of times, despite having what is called a "sump pump." No one warned us about the flooding, so of course some of our things got wet. I guess the sump pump was a bit defective.
When we moved to Kentucky, we almost rented a house with a large basement - one with a separate door, which made me nervous. I prefer the basements that can only be accessed through the house. & there we looked at some places here in Portland with basements, but the house we ended up buying did not have one.
Why do a show about basements? Because I appreciate them. How I would've loved to have had a basement in my youth! A dark, damp place where I could read my comic books in peace & listen to David Bowie on headphones. I would've loved a basement window where I would spy on the feet of people coming in & out of the house. & if the basement flooded from time-to-time, well. I probably would have my comics on high shelves, my records, too. It would be mine, all mine.
Perhaps tomorrow's show is a radio tribute to the basement I never had. Nonetheless, it will air from 8-10am on 90.3/98.3 fm Freeform Portland, online simultaneously at freeformportland.org. That's right! We're back on the schedule at our regular time! It takes a while, it seems, to finish a basement.
Saturday, June 27, 2020
Preface To Basements: Basement Quiz Answers!
Yesterday, I shared a few song lyrics & asked if you knew what they were. I'm sure they were simple, but I got no responses. Alas! But I figured I'd tell you the answers today, if you don't mind.
*Spoilers*! If you want to try to answer, please go directly to yesterday's post! Here, before you see the answers, is a picture I took in 2014 called "Basement Door."
(I must have taken that picture in Kentucky, although I have no idea where.)
Here are the lines followed by their sources:
1) Someone's in the basement, mixing up the medicine
Bob Dylan, "Subterranean Homesick Blues," from Bringing It All Back Home
2) My friends out there rolling round the basement floor
Elton John, "Someone Saved My Life Tonight," from Captain Fantastic
3) I was lying in a burned out basement with the full moon in my eyes
Neil Young, "After The Gold Rush," from After The Gold Rush
4) In the basement bars, in the backs of cars
Rush, "Subdivisions," from Signals
5) My heart's in the basement, my weekend's at an all-time low
David Bowie, "Queen Bitch," from Hunky Dory
6) Down in the basement, we hear the sound of machines
Talking Heads, "Girlfriend Is Better," from Speaking In Tongues
7) From every dingy basement on every dingy street, every dragging hand clap over every dragging beat
The Clash, "Death Or Glory," from Combat Rock
Thanks for playing!
*Spoilers*! If you want to try to answer, please go directly to yesterday's post! Here, before you see the answers, is a picture I took in 2014 called "Basement Door."
(I must have taken that picture in Kentucky, although I have no idea where.)
Here are the lines followed by their sources:
1) Someone's in the basement, mixing up the medicine
Bob Dylan, "Subterranean Homesick Blues," from Bringing It All Back Home
2) My friends out there rolling round the basement floor
Elton John, "Someone Saved My Life Tonight," from Captain Fantastic
3) I was lying in a burned out basement with the full moon in my eyes
Neil Young, "After The Gold Rush," from After The Gold Rush
4) In the basement bars, in the backs of cars
Rush, "Subdivisions," from Signals
5) My heart's in the basement, my weekend's at an all-time low
David Bowie, "Queen Bitch," from Hunky Dory
6) Down in the basement, we hear the sound of machines
Talking Heads, "Girlfriend Is Better," from Speaking In Tongues
7) From every dingy basement on every dingy street, every dragging hand clap over every dragging beat
The Clash, "Death Or Glory," from Combat Rock
Thanks for playing!
Friday, June 26, 2020
Basement Quiz
When I decided to explore "basements" as a theme, the following songs - based on their lyrics - immediately made me think they would be good for the show - but they were ultimately rejected because the songs themselves were not about basements.
As an exercise, let me share with you the lyrics of songs that mention basements but are not songs about basements. If you feel like treating this as a quiz, please answer as a comment. Maybe I can find a prize for you! But don't cheat - obviously you can find the answers at lyrics sites on the web.
Each lyric mentions a basement or basements. Tell me the artist, song title, & the album. Let's see how you do:
1) Someone's in the basement, mixing up the medicine
2) My friends out there rolling round the basement floor
3) I was lying in a burned out basement with the full moon in my eyes
4) In the basement bars, in the backs of cars
5) My heart's in the basement, my weekend's at an all-time low
6) Down in the basement, we hear the sound of machines
7) From every dingy basement on every dingy street, every dragging hand clap over every dragging beat
These are all songs I thought of when I thought about the theme "basement." But - you won't hear them on Monday's show, because they're not really songs about basements.
But I'm curious if you know what the songs are!
As an exercise, let me share with you the lyrics of songs that mention basements but are not songs about basements. If you feel like treating this as a quiz, please answer as a comment. Maybe I can find a prize for you! But don't cheat - obviously you can find the answers at lyrics sites on the web.
Each lyric mentions a basement or basements. Tell me the artist, song title, & the album. Let's see how you do:
1) Someone's in the basement, mixing up the medicine
2) My friends out there rolling round the basement floor
3) I was lying in a burned out basement with the full moon in my eyes
4) In the basement bars, in the backs of cars
5) My heart's in the basement, my weekend's at an all-time low
6) Down in the basement, we hear the sound of machines
7) From every dingy basement on every dingy street, every dragging hand clap over every dragging beat
These are all songs I thought of when I thought about the theme "basement." But - you won't hear them on Monday's show, because they're not really songs about basements.
But I'm curious if you know what the songs are!
Thursday, June 25, 2020
June 25, 2007
This is something I wrote on the blog thirteen years ago. I had much more fun then, it seems. I wonder what happened to me. It was called "Oh Ye Of Little Fates!"
Perhaps a few introductory remarks might be in order. For those of us joining you overseas. In case your ship, which shall sail, sails alas! I am happy to brief the settlement & offer the customary light fare that recruits expect in every buffet & bar on this side of the world. Alas!
1) There will be no fondling of hallowed topics on this radio show. It's either fuck them or get out of the way.
2) When I say "sit still," I mean "sit still." When I say "look away," I mean, "panic!"
3) The importance of yard work - or the fretting about thereof - shall not be undersold.
4) Recently it has come to my attention that you require prerecorded cues to determine when you need to laugh. This is unacceptable.
5) However, subliminal sounds (which sound a lot like goats weeping) have been inserted into archived radio shows to help you know when you are supposed to be amused. Don't thank me all at once.
6) Fire breathing may seem hokey but it can totally mess your throat up.
7) Even metaphorically.
8) I was thinking about it, though, when you have fantasy movies or books or whatever & the graceful gallant knight is battling the wild, evil dragon, & the dragon roars & flame comes out of its mouth, that flame is basically the dragon's flammable spit. Am I right? Like, the spit has a chemical reaction to oxygen & turns to flame. If so, that's just gross.
9) Because, you know, human fire breathers have to put liquid into their mouths in order to blow fire. Human spit is not flammable. Not ever. Not even for people with Butt Breath.
10) Butt Breath cannot be detected on the radio, which may explain why so many people at KOOP have Butt Breath.
11) They know who they are.
12) It's getting so that your average meeting at KOOP, even when held at a fancy downtown eatery, smells like it's being held in the front restroom of the United States Diarrhea Club.
13) If you know what I mean.
14) On this radio show, we don't talk about body parts much.
15) On this blog, it's all butts & balls.
16) & saliva & blood.
17) & recalcitrance & woe.
18) Do not operate heavy machinery for a few hours after my show. This isn't because of something my show does to your brain - this is because it's Friday & you're supposed to be off work. & when you're off work, you drink. A lot. So don't operate heavy machinery when you're drunk. Duh.
19) Light machinery is fine.
20) Light machinery is machinery an eight-year-old girl can pick up & carry around for seven minutes.
21) Singing along is fine.
22) Sexing along is weird.
23) There is only one other thing to mention.
24) Why must you constantly change record labels?
25) I can't keep up with your reissues!
For more in an active sense, you can as of right now go to the selfhelpradio.net archive page & listen to last Friday's exciting & exacting episode. I will be over at your house later today to ask you how it made you feel. Make me scones.
Perhaps a few introductory remarks might be in order. For those of us joining you overseas. In case your ship, which shall sail, sails alas! I am happy to brief the settlement & offer the customary light fare that recruits expect in every buffet & bar on this side of the world. Alas!
1) There will be no fondling of hallowed topics on this radio show. It's either fuck them or get out of the way.
2) When I say "sit still," I mean "sit still." When I say "look away," I mean, "panic!"
3) The importance of yard work - or the fretting about thereof - shall not be undersold.
4) Recently it has come to my attention that you require prerecorded cues to determine when you need to laugh. This is unacceptable.
5) However, subliminal sounds (which sound a lot like goats weeping) have been inserted into archived radio shows to help you know when you are supposed to be amused. Don't thank me all at once.
6) Fire breathing may seem hokey but it can totally mess your throat up.
7) Even metaphorically.
8) I was thinking about it, though, when you have fantasy movies or books or whatever & the graceful gallant knight is battling the wild, evil dragon, & the dragon roars & flame comes out of its mouth, that flame is basically the dragon's flammable spit. Am I right? Like, the spit has a chemical reaction to oxygen & turns to flame. If so, that's just gross.
9) Because, you know, human fire breathers have to put liquid into their mouths in order to blow fire. Human spit is not flammable. Not ever. Not even for people with Butt Breath.
10) Butt Breath cannot be detected on the radio, which may explain why so many people at KOOP have Butt Breath.
11) They know who they are.
12) It's getting so that your average meeting at KOOP, even when held at a fancy downtown eatery, smells like it's being held in the front restroom of the United States Diarrhea Club.
13) If you know what I mean.
14) On this radio show, we don't talk about body parts much.
15) On this blog, it's all butts & balls.
16) & saliva & blood.
17) & recalcitrance & woe.
18) Do not operate heavy machinery for a few hours after my show. This isn't because of something my show does to your brain - this is because it's Friday & you're supposed to be off work. & when you're off work, you drink. A lot. So don't operate heavy machinery when you're drunk. Duh.
19) Light machinery is fine.
20) Light machinery is machinery an eight-year-old girl can pick up & carry around for seven minutes.
21) Singing along is fine.
22) Sexing along is weird.
23) There is only one other thing to mention.
24) Why must you constantly change record labels?
25) I can't keep up with your reissues!
For more in an active sense, you can as of right now go to the selfhelpradio.net archive page & listen to last Friday's exciting & exacting episode. I will be over at your house later today to ask you how it made you feel. Make me scones.
Monday, June 22, 2020
Self Help Radio 062220: Shadows
(Original image here.)
Actually, I don't think I've ever seen the television show Dark Shadows. It was a little before my time, & not something I ever saw in syndication when I was a kid. & I would've loved it - I loved vampires & all kinds of spooky stuff back then. Anyway, I was fucking with the comic book up there for this post & thought, "Why have I never seen Dark Shadows?"
The wife & I tossed around an idea for a bit for the show in which she's supposed to be a fan of Dark Shadows but what she really loves is What We Do In The Shadows. But we couldn't think of anything too funny because, you see, neither of us had seen the former. Mistaken identity is not funny in & of itself.
There were too many shadow songs to choose from but I did my best. I couldn't find a place for some famous ones, like that Stones song, & I am sad I ran out of time for some newer stuff. But whatever. Here's your shadow show. I hope you like.
It's now at the Self Help Radio website. Remember username/password SHR/selfhelp. What happens on the show is below.
-----
Self Help Radio Shadows Show
"Why Do I Have A Shadow?" Dorothy Collins _Experiment Songs (From Ballads For The Age Of Science)_
"In The Shadows" Ups & Downs _Out Of The Darkness (Sleepless, Singles, & Other Stories)_
"Shadow" Blouse _Terminal Sales Vol. 4: Please To Enjoy_
"Shadow Woman" The Growlers _Natural Affair_
"Shadows" Yo La Tengo _I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One_
"Shadows" Malcolm Middleton _Waxing Gibbous_
"Shadow" The Primitives _Lovely_
"Shadowplay" Joy Division _Unknown Pleasures_
a letter is read on the air
"Shadowtime" Siouxsie & The Banshees _Superstition_
"Standing In The Shadows Of Love" The Four Tops _The Best Of Four Tops_
"The Shadow" Tanya Donelly _Beautysleep_
"Moonshadow" Cat Stevens _Teaser & The Firecat_
"Shadow" Teen _Good Fruit_
"Only A Shadow" Cleaners From Venus _Midnight Cleaners_
"Shadow Of A Doubt" Sonic Youth _Evol_
"Shadowman" MomusMcClymont _MomusMcClymont_
"No Shade In Shadow" Kristin Hersh _Possible Dust Clouds_
"Shadows" Jean-Paul Sartre Experience _The Size Of Food_
a discussion about shadow idioms
"Shadows" Wagon Christ _Sorry I Make You Lush_
"Love In The Shadows" The Magnetic Fields _69 Love Songs_
"In The Shadows" Ivy _Realistic_
"Cast No Shadows" The Mekons _Journey To The End Of The Night_
"Under Streetlights Shadows" Rocketship _Thanks To You_
conclusion & goodbye
"Cast A Shadow" Beat Happening _Black Candy_
"Cast A Shadow" Coves _Soft Friday_
"Caught In My Shadow" The Wonder Stuff _Never Loved Elvis_
"Looking In The Shadows" The Raincoats _Looking In The Shadows_
"Complicated Shadows (Cashbox Version)" Elvis Costello & The Attractions _The Other End Of The Telescope_
Sunday, June 21, 2020
Whither Shadows?
(By one of my favorite painters of shadows. Found here.)
It's been a while - back before the plague - someone at Freeform asked me if I'd ever done a show about shadows. I said, no. Why not? Because holy shit can you imagine how many songs there would be about shadows? You should still do a show about shadows. Okay, I will.
That person recently asked me at a meeting if I'd done the show about shadows yet. I sheepishly said no. But I felt really bad about it. & I was thinking, oh no, we're going to have to make small talk again at another Zoom meeting & I'm going to be asked if I've made a show about shadows yet so damn it I'd better make a show about shadows.
Four thousand songs later (rough estimate), there'll be a show about shadows. It won't have your favorite song about shadows. Sorry. There were too many of them. But there'll be plenty of songs about shadows. Maybe a new favorite song about shadows.
To think. I'm doing this to not be embarrassed at a Zoom meeting!
Tomorrow. Self Help Radio dot net. That's all.