Preface To Tired: Self-Explanatory

My cat Boone is always tired. So am I. Actually, that's not true. I will often wake after being asleep for some ridiculously short amount of time - like four hours - & be wide-awake. This morning I woke at 3am & realized how dumb it would be to stay awake so I forced myself to go back to sleep - which meant lying in the dark for thirty minutes until my brain gave in.

Therefore it's safe to say that I'm not always tired but that I am almost always tired. I will confess, though, it feels like I've been more tired this past year than before. & of course that's why that's this week's theme but you know I'm supposed to explain that tomorrow instead of today so hey! look at the lovely orange cat! just be quiet! If he doesn't get his 22 hours of sleep a day, he's a grump!

Coming Up Tomorrow On The Dickenbock Report: Eiffel Tower Day!

Tomorrow morning on the Dickenbock Report on XRAY FM - 91.1+107.1fm & online at xray dot fm, we're reporting on the Eiffel Tower, which was completed March 31, 1889. From 9-10am you'll hear musical reports about the Eiffel Tower, plus a live remote from the Report's Travel Reporter.

Tune in for the only newsmagazine on XRAY on Sunday mornings!

The picture above is a young couple who were very, very tired, in front of the Tower in early 2005. They didn't quite make it to the top.

Pandemic Daze

It is in human nature I think to repress or try to repress terrible memories of terrible times. Here's a photo taken three years ago of closed-up KBOO. I think I was able to start doing shows live there in the summer but at the time I drove by it didn't feel like that was a possibility for a while. & when I did shows live there - from the summer of 2021 to the spring of 2023 - I was always masked. Having returned this week, I noted it was maybe only the third or fourth time I'd been unmasked in the station since the pandemic began.

This is my way to remember how awful it was to have a radio station closed up like that - to have a town closed up - a nation & world closed up. I know covid is still a thing & people are not only getting sick still but dealing with the long-term effects of getting it in the first place. But a lot of folks are acting like it never happened - & that's a bit maddening.

Self Help Radio 032624: Paradise

Self Help Radio returned to KBOO & a late-night slot this week with a show about paradise. In addition to every single song played on the show (but one) called "Paradise" (one was called "Paradiso"), the show also featured interviews with four folks who had near-death experiences & maybe caught a glimpse of paradise.

This was the first Self Help Radio back in the KBOO studios & I came in pretty unprepared so apologies for all the foul-ups, bleeps, & blunders. You can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. Use the username SHR & the password selfhelp to access. I did a couple of sub shows as well as my other shows in-between Self Help Radio episodes - have a look, maybe you'd enjoy listening to them. Meanwhile, look below for everything that happened on the show. Paradise it wasn't.

Self Help Radio Paradise show

"Paradise" Lena Horne _Lena On The Blue Side_

"Paradise" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_

"Paradise" The Ronettes _Back To Mono (1958-1969)_

introduction & definitions

"Paradise" John Prine _John Prine_

"Paradise" Buzzcocks _A Different Kind Of Tension_

"Paradise" The Stranglers _Feline_

"Paradise" Mikey Dread _Pave The Way_

interview with Laetitia Clark

"Paradise" Plus Instruments _Trigger & The Thrill Kings Plus Instruments_

"Paradise" Alex Chilton _Feudalist Tarts_

"Paradise" The Bodines _Creation Soup Volume Two_

"Paradise" Cub Sport _Paradise EP_

interview with Luke Connors

"Paradiso" The Chameleons _Strange Times_

"Paradise" New Order _Brotherhood_

"Paradise" All About Eve _The Best Of All About Eve_

"Paradise" Aztec Camera _Love_

interview with Lester Charles

"Paradise" Viva Saturn _Soundmind_

"Paradise" Clinic _Visitations_

"Paradise" Lump _Animal_

"Paradise" White Lung _Paradise_

interview with Larry Carmichael

"Paradise" Swansea Sound _Twentieth Century_

"Paradise" Lily & Madeleine _Lily & Madeleine_

"Paradise" Wishy _Paradise_

"Paradise" Empath _Visitor_

conclusion & goodbye

"Paradise" The O'Jays _Message In The Music_

Whither Paradise?

(painting by Breughel, from the Wikipedia)

For my first show back on KBOO, the theme - which was chosen before I decided to move so it's not any kind of comment about the station - is "paradise." There were lots of songs about paradise, so much so that I think I will be able to fill two entire hours with songs called "Paradise." I've done this a few times before, including with my show with the theme "heaven." Which brings me to the genesis of this show:

The idea came from this book by Bart Ehrman that I had just finished reading:

It's called (as you can see) "Heaven & Hell: A History Of The Afterlife." More information is at the link. It's a fascinating book that almost certainly won't penetrate the minds of those indoctrinated since birth in ideas of heaven & hell, but for those with more open minds it demonstrates how over time people in the more-or-less Western tradition (starting with the Greeks & Jews) came to think there ought to be something more after death, either on earth or in some other place. Since I had already done a show about heaven & a show about hell, the next best thing to do a show about was paradise - often a synonym for heaven.

That show happens tonight oh I better get working! from midnight to 2am on 90.7fm in Portland & kboo dot fm everywhere. It not like anyone at KBOO wanted the show back, but by gum it'll be back tonight!

Preface To Paradise: Paradise Lost

That picture was taken in May 2020, as the pandemic raged. The wife & I had gone for a walk, probably to get some folk & take out the dogs. The streets of Portland were mostly deserted. It's along Division Street, as you can see with the sign. Wish I had walked across the street to take the picture but I did not. But maybe the emptiness makes the post's point.

Was it paradise lost? Portland's never been everyone's idea of Paradise, but just a year before, the streets - especially on a lovely sunny day in May - would have been full of people. Nearly four years later I have yet to see the city as populated as it was when we first go here. But it's getting there.

But it's a fact this is my most favorite place to live at least in the last twenty years. They spoil vegans here, & there are many lovely places, & lots of love for dogs & cats. & of course all the radio. There's just all the radio here. So maybe for me it's a paradise.

My Favorite Warning Sign In Texas

Okay, maybe my second favorite. In Texas. Oddly enough, my favorite also involves railroad tracks. Anyway, I made a cursory check & discovered that (I hope) the yellow signs are called "warning signs" to distinguish them I guess from street signs or traffic signs honestly I don't know. I would often see these signs in more industrial areas of Fort Worth where I lived from 2016 to 2019. That picture was taken on this day in 2019. Probably on the ride home from the airport where I dropped off my wife going on one of her research trips. One of the roads I took from the airport to my home was highway 121 which for a time kinda runs parallel to interstate 30 so when I thought I might want to explore, maybe take some pictures, I would take an exit off 121 & head south, hoping the road might connect to 30. I'm think (?) this road is somewhere near there - tho I just spent some time with Goober Maps trying to figure out which intersection & I can't. I also want to point out that it seems like this picture was taken sometime in the early morning or early evening but since it was March I would suspect it was during the day but there was a storm coming. Storms happened a lot in the Metroplex & they were often loud & scary. Yes, I checked, the picture was taken around 5pm. But looking at the other pictures I also took at the time, I can now say it was definitely not taken between highway 121 & interstate 30. It was most probably taken in Grand Prairie or Arlington somewhere between interstate 20 & interstate 30. I surmise I was driving back from visiting my mother in Garland & I decided to exit off 30 to explore a little in that area, to go to 20 & get back that way to Fort Worth. That's the most likely scenario. Ignore the airport thing. Hey! You might be saying why do you like this sign, Gary? I know why! It's the little lightning bolts shooting out from the truck trailer. Those are the same symbols in comic strips that indicate pain. It says so here. So it looks like the truck trailer is in pain. I like that a lot. Oh wait a second. I didn't divide this into paragraphs. What a mess. It would be too time-consuming to go back now & change that. Anyway, I never reread the stuff I write. If no one's going to read it, why should I reread it? That explains any spelling/consistency errors, if you've ever wondered. No editing. This is the life.

Kids

Nothing really to write about - a week without Self Help Radio has given me the opportunity to sub a couple of shows but I'll share those later - so instead have a look at the two youngest members of our house. Pete the beagle is around one year, two months old. Bluto the grey tabby is about a year & a half old. They are both delightful. I really should be working on Self Help Radio tho.

Reset

(image from here)

It's super dumb but I am a creature of habit & I set the goals & I try to keep up with the goals & one of those goals is this blog. A few years back I thought I should write at least one post a day for five days a week on the show's blog. I then developed a rough outline of what those posts would be like. The first & second posts of the week could be about anything. The third post would be a preface to the theme. The fourth would try to explain the theme on the day of the show. The fifth would be post-show, have a link to the show, have the playlist &etc.

Since Self Help Radio is moving to very early Tuesday mornings, my schedule has to shift. Right now the first day is Monday. The last day is Friday (since the show has been on Thursdays). Now the first day will be Friday, the last day Tuesday. (Yes, the show is on Tuesday but in literally the first two hours of Tuesday.)

This is my way of saying I won't be writing here again until Friday. I'm very lucky so few people read this blog that it won't offend or disappoint anyone. It also helps that I almost always have nothing to say.

The image above is from an article that may well be self-help. I just wanted the image. I didn't read the article.

Making A Change

(image from here)

This is something I announced on my show last week but of course no one listened so I am also mentioning it on this blog which no one reads. I'll also share this on social media where I have virtually no followers & might as well not even bother. But it's become a habit.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a blog post about feeling my age & needing to downsize. After consulting with my wife, my constituents, & my spiritual advisors (okay, I talked it over with my cats), I decided it was time to let one of my radio shows go. Free it! Send it off into the blue. Where it might not be as lonely as it is with me.

It turns out I'm kinda not letting a show go. I just let a timeslot go. & it really had very little to do with the show or the station. It was a matter of when the show was.

In case you don't know, I have a show on XRAY that's on 9-10am on Sundays. I do that show live.

There's another show I do on KBOO that's on midnight to 3am Tuesday mornings that I have been recording (or prerecording as they call it in the biz).

Finally, there's Self Help Radio on Freeform Portland from noon to 2pm on Thursdays.

My calculation was this: I would like as many days as possible not to worry about making a radio show or being on the radio. The KBOO show & the XRAY show were basically right next to one another. That seemed a nice thing - like have a job only on the weekends. It doesn't mean I won't work on them during the week, just that I wouldn't be finishing one show to work on another. Therefore it seemed the wisest thing to give up the Thursday show.

But wait! That's Self Help Radio! That's my baby! I've been doing that show since 2002! How could I give that up?

Turns out I can't. But I also can't return to a three-hour Self Help Radio. That's just too much.

Here's what I'll do:
The Dickenbock Report stays on XRAY 9-10am Sundays.

Self Help Radio moves back to KBOO Tuesday mornings but only 12-2am.
The severely truncated Corporate Standardized Programming follows that Tuesdays 2-3am.

Most probably all those shows will be live. That's the plan right now.

Also I am not leaving Freeform Portland! I love that place too much. I will continue to volunteer & possibly also sub.

The Tuesday morning premiere of Self Help Radio happens next week, March 26. The last Self Help Radio on FFP already happened (you can listen to it at self help radio dot net!). I did not want to have to make two Self Help Radio episodes in a ten-day period. I am tired enough.

Those are a lot of words for something nobody but me gives a shit about. I don't know why I feel it needs to be said. But there you are! Let's hope it means I sleep a little more than I have been the past few months. At least.

Self Help Radio 031424: Howard Gently Year Two Continued

On this week's show, I share eleven recorded bits - all but ten improvised - with my friend Russell appearing as the Rev Dr Howard Gently. Each segment appeared on an episode of Self Help Radio when it aired in Lexington, Kentucky, in 2015 & 2016. I try to contextualize them on the program. I play a song from that program that I thought or knew Russell would like. My friend Russell died unexpectedly last year.

You can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. You can listen to previous installments as linked on the table of contents page. You'll need a username & a password, I suggest SHR & selfhelp. I list the songs I played & the segments that follow below. I began with an original by Russell.

One last thing: I announced on the show that this was my last Self Help Radio on Freeform Portland for the time being. Self Help Radio returns to KBOO on Tuesday, March 26. That is reflected on the website now. I'll miss Freeform Portland but I needed to cut down the number of shows I do. Its placement in the middle of the week was a factor.

Self Help Radio Howard Gently Year Two Continued

"Lebanon" Russell Miles _Archaeology_

"I'm So Happy You Failed" Laptop _Opening Credits_

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Failure"

"Ambitious" Wire _The Ideal Copy_

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Ambition"

"People Don't Get What They Deserve" Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings _Give The People What They Want_

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Deserve"

"Roller Coaster By The Sea" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Rock 'N' Roll With The Modern Lovers_ (Beserkley, 1977)

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the show's 13th Anniversary

"Clown Strike" Elvis Costello _Brutal Youth_ (Warner Bros, 1994)

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Clowns"

"Poet" Sly & The Family Stone _There's A Riot Goin' On_ (Epic, 1971)

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Poetry"</i>

"Perfume Garden" The Chameleons _What Does Anything Mean? Basically_ (Virgin, 1985)

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Gardens"

"People On Their Birthdays (Live)" Rod McKuen _At Carnegie Hall_ (Warner Bros/Seven Arts, 1969)

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Birthdays"

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on Christmas 2015</i>

"King's Lead Hat" Brian Eno _Before & After Science_ (Island, 1977)

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Hats"

"Mesopotamia" The B-52's _Mesopotamia_ (Warner Bros, 1982)

The Rev Dr Howard Gently on the theme "Pyramids"</i>

Whither Howard Gently Year Two Continued?

When I lost my friend Russell last year, I thought I'd try to celebrate him on the radio by playing all the improvised interviews we aired from start to finish. This is the fourth episode, which will get us near the end of the second year he played my spiritual mentor The Rev. Dr. Howard Gently.

It's always been strange to me that fans of Russell's work as Melba Jackson (you can listen to his recordings here) haven't found a similar appreciation of his equally subversive work as Dr. Gently. I guess it could be that they're not prank calls, or maybe it's that they were hidden in the middle of my dumb radio shows. They are waiting to be found, at any rate. Maybe one day I'll isolate them & put them on my website. There are dozens of them though. I have many more Dr Gently radio shows ahead.

Listen today from noon to 2pm on Freeform Portland - 90.3+98.3fm & freeform portland dot org. They are among my most favorite things in the world & I am flattered they happened on this goofy radio show I do. I could never repay Russell for his time & generosity - or his brilliance.

Preface To Howard Gently Year Two (Continued): Looking At Pictures Of Places You Once Lived

(image from Gurgle Murps)

This week on the show I will play more bits created for the show with my friend Russell, whom we lost last year. That sad story is here. He pretended to be my spiritual mentor the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently & we improvised ridiculous segments based on the show's themes. I am playing them in the order they aired (which is also the order in which they were recorded) out of love & respect for him. He was so very creative & funny. I wish more people celebrated that about him when he was alive.

A few years back we were looking at a computer together - I don't remember the context - & we looked at the house he lived in when we met. I can't entirely be sure but I think it's the picture above. This place in Garland was where I think he lived from the ages of maybe three or four until he moved out of his parents' house in the early 1990s. They sold the house & moved to Sulphur Springs, Texas. Russell did not possess the weird sentimentality I do & never was curious about what happened to that house. When I am in Garland, if I have time, I haunt most of the places I lived &/or frequented.

He mentioned to me changes in the house's facade & some trees that had been removed, we were looking at a picture of a place he had not seen in two decades or more. When we were young, I didn't visit his house frequently but I did visit a few times. When I was in twelfth grade & he was in junior college I went over at least three times to make "music" - it was me yelping into a microphone while he played guitar - those sessions were improvised, too - & I remember going over to his house at some point after we were reacquainted - after he had left his born-again faith behind - & watching him practice with his friends Garry & Tania as they were hoping to form a band.

It's interesting that music is what I think about when I think of Russell's house. The first time I went there was to see Russell & his neighbor Dwight put on a concert as the band Black Locust. It was a hot summer day & it happened in his backyard. My little brother came along & the rest of the "audience" was neighborhood kids. I remember only one Black Locust song, called "The Fireman," which had the memorable line:

The fireman starts the fires.

Listening to Russell's bits today, editing them from old shows, I miss him very much. I miss talking about music with him. & I regret that, around a year ago today, I was in Dallas but didn't get to see him. He was not doing so well mentally & I did not want to pressure him into uncomfortable situations. Now I wish I had been more pushy. Now I wish I had just stopped by.

That may not even be the house he spent his boyhood & teen years in! I am a ridiculous & maudlin dope.

A Short History Of Big Announcements

(image from here)

Big announcements are weird. They assume a sense of importance that nothing I do or say ever ever has. There are so few people who listen to what I do on the radio that there's nearly nothing I could do or say that would affect anyone in any way. I could die tomorrow & virtually no one's lives would be affected - & this is not me being self-piteous, it's me stating a fact. There are some people (maybe) who've liked my radio shows but when they've stop listening, either because I moved away or they lost interest, they hardly ever thought about them again. This has been even more true in Portland.

It hasn't dissuaded me from making radio shows - I enjoy doing that & would do it, maybe, if I were the last person on the planet. I'd probably still give out a phone number. & abide by FCC rules. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, the point is, I'm about to make some changes & I have in the past reported those changes as "big announcements" & it always rubbed me the wrong way when I do that. So this time around I'm not going to make a big announcement. I'm just going to do it.

Actually, I might mention it on the radio, but probably as a fait accompli. Not that it isn't already - the decision has been made. Or, less passively, I have made the decision. My desire to make a big announcement, to pretend this thing I do is at all important in any way, or at least in a way that deserves a big announcement, I have confined to this blog post about big announcements.

What is the big announcement? It really isn't a big announcement, honestly. But I'll say it on the air on this week's show.

What isn't the big announcement? Here's what it isn't.
- I'm not pregnant.
- I don't have an incurable disease (that I know of).
- I'm not quitting radio (sorry everyone).
- It's not anything important.

- I'm not deliberately wasting your time.

It can be said, however, that mostly I waste your time. But it's not a deliberate act on my part!

Alphabet Films

(image from the IMDb)

This past week's episode of Self Help Radio had the theme "the alphabet" & our resident cinephile Chuck stopped by to chat about a few films in which the alphabet played a part - like the one whose movie poster is show above. You can listen to that show at the Self Help Radio website!

It seems however that the list of links Chuck has provided this time around relate to Sesame Street. As Chuck explains, "There weren't enough Alphabet related movies to make a list, but I felt compelled to make a list for the show." Here therefore are those links:

Here is the Letterboxd list of movies. Chuck adds, "I put the links to available videos in the notes for the films plus where they are available to stream for free."

Here is the YouTube playlists of films & trailers.

Here is the IMDb page from which the list was sourced.

Here is the IMDb list of films available to stream for free elsewhere. Chuck adds, "There is duplication with of some on YT but quality is usually better, & their availability may be for limited time."

Chuck posts about the films on his social media sites: Twitter,  Bluesky, & Substack. If you follow him, he'll almost certainly follow back.

What about the films Chuck talked about on the show? Put them in alphabetical order & look them up yourself!

Self Help Radio 030724: The Alphabet

You have before you a radio show about the alphabet. It's the Latin alphabet. With a very short interlude into Hebrew. Very short. Mostly the Latin alphabet as is used by English speakers. Also people who sing in English. Mostly in forward order, but in a couple of cases, backwards. For novelty, probably, & not to prove to law enforcement you're not intoxicated. Is knowledge of the alphabet required for the enjoyment of this show? Probably not, unless you are suspicious that a show about the alphabet might want to spread an incorrect alphabet. In which case, you will want to know the alphabet. Will a radio show about the alphabet actually teach you the alphabet? Almost certainly only by accident.

Alphabet songs, interviews, the usual Self Help Radio nonsense. You can find it on the Self Help Radio website. The username/password combination SHR/selfhelp will facilitate your listening experience. The things that were played & said on the show are listed below.

But not alphabetically!

Self Help Radio Alphabet Show

"Alphabent" Twink _The Broken Record_

"(You Can Bet) I Know My Alphabet" Hot Chocolate Music Company, Ltd. _Wammy! There Goes Sammy_

"A.B.C's (Parts 1 & 2)" Smilin' Joe _Crescent City Soul: The Sound Of New Orleans 1947-1974_

introduction & definitions

"Alphabet" Martin Creed _Love To You_

"Mr. Alphabet Says" The Glove _Blue Sunshine_

"A Concise British Alphabet, Pts. 1 & 2" Soft Machine _Volume Two_

"Alphabet Rap" Divine _Jungle Jezebel_

interview with author Hector Teller

"A Is For Alphabet" Razorcuts _Patterns On The Water (A Retrospective)_

"The Rabbi Teaches ABCs/English ABC Song" Ella Jenkins _123s & ABCs_

"Roosevelt Franklin's Alphabet" Matt Robinson & Rosalind Cash _My Name Is Roosevelt Franklin_

"A B & C" Death By Chocolate _Death By Chocolate_

interview with artist Hugh Toth

"Red Alphabet" The Gotobeds _Blood // Sugar // Secs // Traffic_

"Alphabet" Jeffrey Lewis _It's The Ones Who've Cracked That The Light Shines Through_

"Numbers & Alphabets" Ella Jenkins _123s & ABCs_

"Waste The Alphabet" Dick Diver _Melbourne, Florida_

"Alphabet Aerobics" Blackalicious _A2G EP_

interview with children's book author Harry Taylor

"Alphabetland" X _Alphabetland_

"Alphabet Street" The Jesus & Mary Chain _The Power Of Negative Thinking: B-Sides & Rarities_

"Prince Alphabet" Robert Pollard _Superman Was A Rocker_

"Dr. Seuss's ABC" Jason Alexander _Green Eggs & Ham & Other Servings Of Dr. Seuss_

our resident cinephile Chuck stops by!

"'A' You're Adorable (The Alphabet Song)" Gordon MacRae & Jo Stafford _Small Fry: Capitol Sings Kids' Songs For Grown-Ups_

"The ABC's Of Love" Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers _The Very Best Of Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers_

"ABC" The Pipettes _We Are The Pipettes_

"Easy As ABC" Ella Jenkins _123s & ABCs_

"New Alphabet" Eels _Wonderful, Glorious_

conclusion & goodbye

"Sittin' Alphabetic'ly" Karl Hammel Jr. _Teenage Crush Volume 5_

"The Backwards Alphabet" Soupy Sales _Use Your Noggin'_

"A.B.C." Rick & Donna _What Good Is Love_

"ABC (Freeform)" Eurythmics _Touch_

"Alphabet Angel" David Sylvian _Dead Bees On A Cake_

Whither The Alphabet?

(image by Matt Baker at usefulcharts.com)

Here's a funny thing. I was absolutely convinced that the idea for a radio show about the alphabet had to do with a song I'm going to play today which came from a record from which I played another song recently. But then I checked & discovered that I played that song just two weeks ago. I've planned the alphabet show for a lot longer than that. It was on my website a month ago, for example. So now I have no idea what the inspiration was for this show. But I will say it was fun finding songs about the alphabet. I wonder if other languages - & other alphabets! - have as many songs about their alphabets. Maybe so! I just searched around & found this Sanskrit alphabet song. Maybe I can do a sequel to this show one day & explore different alphabets.

Mainly though I'm sticking with the one we use now - the one that we sing the song to memorize as kids. The one on the bottom line of the image above.

That show happens today oh dear! From noon to 2pm on Freeform Portland, which is on the air in Portland at 90.3+98.3fm & online at Freeform Portland dot org. I hope you'll give it a letter grade. May I suggest an X?

Preface To The Alphabet: Just Letters

(image from here)

This is something I've always asserted but I don't think I've ever actually researched. Or maybe I heard about it once & it just sounded correct so I accepted it. Anyway, it's this:

The reason many of us don't remember our earliest experiences is because, once we learn to read, we use words to tell the stories of the things we remember. So without words we don't remember the times before we learned to read.

My family insisted I learned to read when I was around four but I don't think I have a lot of memories from around that time. Maybe my earliest memory is when I was five & I slept in one Christmas morning (our family celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve so I doubtless stayed up late) & I woke to find all the kids in our apartment complex done playing & ready for lunch. I think I had gotten what I believe were called Big Wheels for Christmas & I rode it miserably around the complex alone, since everyone else was tired from doing that all morning.

One thing I do know is that once I learned to read I liked to read everything. I would read weird lurid thrillers that my brothers liked - from series like The Executioner. I would read bits & pieces of the newspaper but liked the comics page best. & I loved comic books.

So maybe it's just me. Maybe letters took over my life so completely I can't really remember my life without words. Or maybe none of this is remotely true & I've never really explored how memory works at all.

A Story About Sleep Problems

(Ooo, gabapentin. Image from here.)

For as long as I can remember, I've had a bit of a hard time getting to sleep. Even when I abstain from screens or caffeine or any stimulants - even when I spend an hour reading a book before bed - I will lie awake for some time before I fall asleep.

Listen: I knew a woman who told me she dated a guy who would say, "I'm going to sleep," & then fall asleep. She told me the story to indicate some issues she had with him. I was utterly envious. This was someone I knew over twenty years ago. Which suggests that my problems with going to sleep date from way back.

But then something happened. Around a year ago - in December of 2022 - I had a dental issue. It was very, very painful. Because my dental insurance was with a MegaCorporation, there wasn't a great deal of empathy with the pain. An appointment was scheduled to deal with the issue, but there was a fortnight between then & now & I didn't have a way to deal with the pain. My wife had a solution, I consulted with my doctor, & what happened was that I was prescribed gabapentin along with a regimen of ibuprofen. It was a very peculiar experience - I could feel that there was a throbbing in my mouth that indicated pain, that the medication kept at bay.

One unusual aspect of this experience was that, when it was time to go to bed, I could - magically, novelly, unbelievably - close my eyes & just fall asleep. No ruminating, no intrusive thoughts, no haunting memories. I assumed this was because of the gabapentin. My small amount of research suggested it was somehow shutting down the regret & anxiety that tortured me before sleep.

But I waited a while. I had a doctor's appointment in January, around the time of my birthday, & I mentioned this to my doctor. It had been a year since the dental situation. She was not happy with the idea of a sleep issue solved with medication, but she agreed to give me a prescription to try it out.

As I mentioned yesterday, I am extremely busy - often working on a radio show - so I waited until there was a time when I might enjoy a good night's sleep. & I took a gabapentin before I went to bed.

& wow it went badly. I couldn't fall asleep & my thoughts took on a lurid, almost antagonistic quality. When I did fall asleep, my dreams were some kind of distorted lucid dreams. It was a most unpleasant experience.

The post-mortem by my wife suggested I take the pill a couple hours before sleep. I am a little nervous about trying it again. But I might.

Or instead maybe I should reduce the obligations in my life that make me so tired?

Tired

(Don't know where the shirt is from, but you can buy it here.)

After I left Austin in 2009, I wasn't sure I would be able to do radio again. I was already doing Self Help Radio as a "podcast" although I didn't really call it that & didn't make it available where podcasts can be found. It's always been an obscure thing this show.

From West Virginia to Lexington to Fort Worth, I did find places to deejay, but there were times when I wasn't able to do Self Help Radio for some reason or another. & when I'd land in another place, there was always a break - sometimes it was months! - when I wasn't on the radio at all.

Arriving in Portland & finding out there were three stations at which I could deejay - I was like a kid in a candy store. & around this time last year I committed to doing three different shows on three different stations.

& I volunteer a lot at these stations & often people ask me if I am in danger of "burning out." They rightly worry that I am overcommitted. But here's the truth: I'm having the time of my life. I am having fun making radio shows & the work I am doing for the stations I really enjoy. But lately - well, let me tell you a story.

Last week I was searching around for a theme for an upcoming show - this would be the show a month away - I was putting it on the web page, which is when it becomes real to me. & the theme that came to mind was "tired." I realized that I've been a little tired.

Over the weekend I wondered what I should do. Maybe I'll talk later about my sleep difficulties. But certainly the fact that if I am not walking dogs, making food, eating food, or doing those & other things with my wife, I am working on a radio show or doing a radio show. I have to face the fact that if I ever had youthful energy, I don't have that these days.

Which is a longwinded way of saying I am thinking of downsizing. But how? What show? I don't know. I imagine I'll still be involved in all the stations, it's just that I might not be doing radio shows on all the stations in the near future.

The kid in the candy store gets rotten teeth & diabetes. How could the little brat not?