A Day Without Stains

I had my teeth cleaned yesterday.  I don't want to say where, except that it was in fact at a dentist.  I can't say who cleaned my teeth - I don't remember my hygienist's name - I barely know what she looks like, since she has to wear a mask or she'll catch horrible diseases from me (&/or vice versa).  She tsk tsked a lot.  She didn't believe that I flossed regularly.  Why should she?  My teeth are a mess.

I don't want to tell you where I go because what if - as that gripping documentary Marathon Man suggested - dentists are spiteful & psychotic?  (Also, Nazis!)  It seems to be a profession to which folks with a mild case of sadism might flock.  "I spend my day with my hands in strangers' mouths & I make a ton of money!"  Lots of people go to dental school.  Perhaps there are interesting psychological profiles online.

My mother, who has none of her original teeth, & hasn't for decades, doesn't trust dentists.  She thinks they're a racket - that they deliberately put in bad fillings so you'll have to replace them in a few years.  I'm sure she also believes they plant bacteria in one's mouth so it'll grow & cause problems the next time you visit.  Every six months!  Genius!  Neither of these, by the way, would qualify as "weird" beliefs of hers.  These seem downright sensible compared to some of the way-out nonsense she thinks happens in the world.

It took two hours for my teeth to be cleaned, although somewhere between thirty-five & fifty minutes was the duration of the actual cleaning.  The place just doesn't really appear to give a shit - unless it's for surgical or orthodontic procedures.  They suggested some for me.  Gave me pamphlets.  I got the distinct impression my dentist wanted to call her colleagues & tell them she'd hooked another one!

As I was waiting to find out if something in my x-rays raised any alarms, I sat across from a woman who appeared to be as frustrated with the wait as I was.  She was fidgeting & looking around (as if her dentist or hygienist might be wandering the halls purposefully) & clucking at the clock on the wall (which read 9:45 am).  When a masked, gowned woman emerged to call her in, she said, "I'm so sorry, Mrs. [Whatever Her Name Was], we're just running a little behind."

The woman said, very matter-of-factly, "A little early to be running behind, isn't it?"

That almost made the morning worth it.

Change Comes

It's true, if change were a body part, change is afoot with Self Help Radio.  Obviously, one thing that won't change are my dreadful attempts at puns.  So bad, it's punishing.  But I digress.

This Monday there won't be a Self Help Radio.  That's a change, since there's been a Self Help Radio every Monday since early October, & many of the Mondays of the year before then.  Not only won't there be a Self Help Radio this Monday, there won't be any Self Help Radios on Mondays for the foreseeable future.

This Monday, from 8am on, is Democracy Now's coverage of the Inauguration.

I don't know who'll be on Mondays from 6 to 9 am after Self Help Radio goes, but certainly you should take some solace that after Democracy Now on Mondays on WRFL will still be Allen & the Number One Super Hour.  I do!

Self Help Radio is planning to relocate to Fridays from 4 to 6 pm.  I know what you're thinking - wasn't that your last timeslot back in Austin?

What?  You weren't thinking that?  Oh.

But here's the saddest thing, even sadder than the people who might accidentally stumble onto my show during the drive home on Friday afternoon, the saddest thing is, since I'm going down to two hours, I have to let go of the freeform indiepop show I started over two years ago: Sugar Substitute.

Named after a song by my favorite Austin band (& using that song in its intro), the radio show called Sugar Substitute was my attempt to play new releases & older things I'd forgotten, & had escaped its indiepop focus in recent years.

I will miss it - I am toying with the idea of keeping it alive perhaps in podcast form - but the last version to be aired on WRFL will be a two-hour season finale - not a series finale! - on Monday morning.

So: no Self Help Radio this Monday.  Two hour Sugar Substitute, the last of it for a while.  Then, inauguration report on Democracy Now on WRFL from 8am till I think 1pm.

Self Help Radio on Fridays, again?  Really?  Jeez.

George's Show

This was a hard show to do, & it's been harder putting it up on the Self Help Radio website.  I wanted to pay tribute in my own stupid way to a friend whose absence, more than a month after his death, still feels giant & empty inside me.  I maybe thought - & feared - that putting the show up, finishing it, would me I was trying to close a door, to "get past" his death.  Just looking at the picture above proves me to me that it isn't the case.  I am as broken-hearted now as I was the night he left us.

Anyway, here's the show.  It's in two parts, which are listed below.  Part one is here & part two is here.  I mentioned during the show that George would have been terribly bored by sitting & listening to songs about Georges other than himself.  He would've preferred to go on a walk, or have lots of food to eat, or (best of all) sleep on the sofa next to his mother - in-between walks & meals.

He was a remarkable person, was George the beagle, & I can't believe in the end how much I loved him.  I certainly wish I could have made a better tribute to him, & maybe one day I will.

(part one)

"George" Yo La Tengo _They Shoot, We Score_
"Silent George" Lucky Millinder & Myra Johnson _Risque Rhythms_
"Georgie" Pussycat _Mississippi_
"Gorgeous George" Edwyn Collins _Gorgeous George_

"Macho Beagle" Bunnygrunt _Standing Hampton 7"_
"Ole Lonesome George The Bassett" Tom T Hall _Songs Of Fox Hollow_
"George (& The North Woods)" Dave Dudley _George & The North Woods_
"George Says He Has Lost His Way in This World" The Clientele _That Night, A Forest Grew_
"Collie George" Frankie Jones _Jammys From The Roots (1977-1985)_

"Georgy Girl" The Seekers _Come The Day_
"Georgette Plays A Goth" Tullycraft _Every Scene Needs a Center_
"Madame George" Van Morrison _T. B. Sheets_
"George" The Wet Spots _Hello Kinky_

"John, Paul, George, & Ringo" The Bulldogs _Beatlemaniacs!!! The World Of Beatles Novelty Records_
"Janus, Jeanie, & George Harrision" Redd Kross _Neurotica_

(part two)

"George Of The Jungle" Weird Al Yankovic _Dare To Be Stupid_
"George Hamilton's Dead" Golden Dawn _Temple Cloud_
"George Orwell" Georgia _Ten;Ten_
"A Talk With George" Jonathan Coulton _JoCo Looks Back_

"Georgie Porgie" Jo-Ann Jackson & The Dreams _Groovin' At The Go-Go_
"Dance With Me Georgie" The Bobbettes _The Ultimate Collection_
"Shorty George" Lead Belly _Where Did You Sleep Last Night: Lead Belly Legacy, Vol. 1_
"Cadillac George" The Travel Agency _The Travel Agency_
"My Friend George" Lou Reed _New Sensations_

"George" Antietam _Burgoo_
"George Had A Hat" Pere Ubu _The Tenement Year_
"Cowboy George" The Fall _Your Future Our Clutter_

"At Midnight I Will Kill George Lucas With A Shovel" Patton Oswalt _Werewolves & Lollipops_
"George Romero" Sprites _Modern Gameplay_

Whither 1977?

It has been a long day.  Possibly longer than all of 1977.

I will cover all the music I love from 1977 in two hours tomorrow from 7 to 9am.  I may also talk about what a horrible nine-year-old I was.  You know how horrible I am now?  I was 1/5 as horrible then - which is pretty godawful.

It's happening from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm in Lexington & online at the WRFL page.  Maybe later at the Self Help Radio page maybe?  I'll believe it when I see it.

I don't think I was terribly self-aware in 1977, because if I were, damn! the music was great.

Preface To 1977: I Really Thought I'd Have Last Week's Show Up By Now

When I started this blog, I was a mere stripling.  I am not sure what "stripling" mean, but I read that phrase somewhere.  I was actually in my late thirties when I started this blog, & I imagine that doesn't really fit with the definition of "stripling."  But what can I do?  I was home-schooled.

Actually, I was public-educationed, but I was public-educationed in the 70s & 80s, when it was so much better than today, so much so that being a dick about it is kinda mean.  Like, Newt Gingrich mean.  What I'm trying to say is, it's no excuse.  I shouldn't use phrases incorrectly.  I'm not a nineteen-year-old girl who has just discovered there's something called "the dictionary."

Or am I?

I spend too much time making excuses, & although I am famously lazy, I was mostly out of town today (in Louisville, if you must know) (also in the rain) (although it hit 70 degrees Fahrenheit today) (it's not at all wintry here) & when I got home I entertained some friends with vegan burgers & fries & episode of "The Wire."  I barely had time to work on my radio show (which is about the year 1977); I couldn't have gotten around to editing my previous radio show.

Oh, there is guilt felt aplenty.  Never doubt that.  The guilt of thirty-six years ago is as fresh as smelling salts under my nostrils.  It's not related to this blog which, it must be noted, was not even something I could have imagined thirty-six years ago (I hadn't even begun to think about light sabers yet things called "blogs").  But guilt feels like guilt & if anyone knows a great psychologist who works relatively cheap in the Lexington area, I'd love to talk to him/her/it.  Seriously.

In the meantime - comic book movies.  You know what I mean?

1977

My show this week is my birthday show (although my show this week happens six days before my birthday but what the hell am I supposed to do celebrate my birthday after my birthday that's just crazy) & every year since the start of my show on my birthday I've celebrated music from the year of my birth onward & now I've reached 1977.

I turned nine in 1977.  I was in third grade when I did, in Mrs. Carnes' class at Caldwell Elementary in Garland, Texas.  I wasn't much of a person.  I was noisy, obstreperous, prone to flights of fancy, & deeply selfish.  My mother raised her boys to be selfish.  Selfish but tied tight to her apron strings.

At some point in 1977, we moved away from the part of the world where I had lived for as long as I can remember.  In Garland, there's a road called Kingsley Avenue that "starts" in the east at the intersection of Centerville & Broadway.  It travels west until, for no apparent reason, it becomes Walnut Hill road somewhere in the first few blocks of Dallas.

Two roads that intersect Kingsley Avenue - Saturn Road & Garland Road - form the barrier of where I had lived up to that time.  My mother, recently separated & then, in 1974, divorced, lived in shabby apartments along Kingsley Avenue after her marriage fell apart.  In 1977, we lived on a road a block parallel from Kingsley, called Cranford Road, in apartments called Little Brook.  There were actually six of us - my mother, my little brother, my sister Karin, & two older brothers.  Oh, & me.  Possibly the least of them all.

After the school year, we moved "across town" - it was at best five miles, probably less - to an apartment complex on Fifth Street called Villa Cordoba.  (Interestingly, it still stands, some thirty-five years later, & it's called Garland Oaks now, which is slightly ironic, because at this point the people who live there are overwhelmingly Hispanic.  Not in 1977!  There were possibly fewer than six black families at the time - the rest were white.)  My mother's fear of the world kept us from riding our bikes to school every day - instead, she made our older brothers - who had either moved to the same complex or were already there - take us to school.  My fourth grade year, I remember, was full of absences, as my brothers were incredibly unreliable.  It didn't affect me much, as I was a good student & could catch up, but it was bad for my little brother, who was never terribly good at school.

One day I should talk about fourth grade.  Mrs. Harris was a horrible teacher.  It wasn't a good year.  But not here.  I wasn't in fourth grade then.

I wish I knew about my mother's financial situation & the really desperate straits we lived in, but of course at nine I had no real idea about anything.  I loved swimming in the apartment's pool, although I needed someone there for me & my siblings would hardly ever do something that nice for their annoying little brothers - my sister (& de facto babysitter) Karin was all of 15 & boy crazy, & my two older brothers were deep into drug culture.

One of the first friends I made at Villa Cordoba was a girl named Christi, with whom I played "dolls," that is, I used my GI Joes & she her Barbies to "play house."  It was quite thrilling for me & I imagine she was the first girl for whom I ever "felt anything," whatever that might mean.  The boys who lived in the apartment complex, my little brother included, were generally very crude to her, though I didn't really understand what any of it meant.  She was a pretty blonde girl - I can't for the life of me remember what she looked like, although I can remember exactly what the front of her apartment looked like - & her mother, who seemed more a grandmother - was very protective.

As anyone who's lived in apartments knows, tenancy there is transient.  She was gone within the year.  We, on the other hand, stayed at the Villa Cordoba until I finished the eighth grade.

None of the music I will play on my show this week is anything I was listening to at age nine.  I liked listening to the radio, to what would later be called "classic rock."  Sometimes I taped it on a random cassette, but it wasn't important to me.  I hadn't discovered the Beatles yet.  I hadn't yet been so alienated from the world that I needed to find far-away voices who sounded like me to speak to me.

But holy shit if I were self-aware there was some awesome music in 1977.  The fact that none of my older siblings noticed or brought it home is a fundamental reason why we were never friends, & don't really communicate with each other in our adult lives.

This Overwhelming Lickspittle Rag

I know, I haven't posted this week's show, my tribute to my lovely dog, George, yet.  There are perhaps many reasons.

1) I'm lazy.

Well, hell, just come right out & say it why don't you jeez.

2) I'm still a little sad from the loss.

Which is true, but it shouldn't keep me from posting a radio show.

3) Aliens drank all my beer!!!!

I'm sorry, I have no idea who I am any more.

4) I have been vaguely busy & haven't found the time.

Yeah, maybe you'll buy that one.

5) I'm waiting for another show because otherwise the website will be lonesome with two shows on it for 2013.

Is that really true or is it...

6) I have to move the front page to a 2012.html file & change all the other pages to reflect that & it's not a lot of work but wah wah wah see # 1 above.

Good grief.

Whither George's Show?

As I mentioned yesterday, I lost a great friend in my dog George nearly a month ago.  This show is a tribute to him in the usual dumbass Self Help Radio way.  He would have been very bored by it because it didn't involve treats.

George, we like to tell everyone, invented what was called the "pre-treat."  Normally, we'd give the boys a treat after they do something good, like going outside to urinate or defecate instead of goofing around.  But George later in his life had to be cajoled into actually going outside with a treat.  So in effect, he got a treat before he did the thing that got him a treat.  A pre-treat.

His name will go down in Beagle history.

It airs tomorrow from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm.  Later, it will appear at self help radio dot net.  How much later I cannot rightly say.

I will probably cry on the air tomorrow.  My apologies for being such a baby.  But I really loved that dog.

Preface To George's Show: Saying Goodbye To An Old Friend

I have been extraordinarily lucky that very few people who were close to me have died.  My father died over twenty years ago, & my grandparents (on my mother's side) not too long before that, but I was never close to my father (he descended into alcoholism when I was four), & might have been closer to my mother's parents if they hadn't lived in Germany.  No, the two major deaths I've had to deal with in my life were two of my cats: Blue Boy, who died in 1999, & Buster, about whom I wrote here.  I have emptinesses in my heart from the loss of the two of them, emptinesses that never go away.  Other animals come & take up space in my life, but they create new space for themselves in my heart, & I worry as I get older that the absences will be larger than the filled spaces.  I think all people worry about that as they age.

We lost George, our eldest beagle, to cancer on December 10, 2012.  The sadness & grief have not left me.  I had never lost a dog before, & as much as I love cats, one's relationship to a dog is intrinsically more emotional.  They have co-evolved with human for thousands of years, & they learn to read your emotions, they learn to be a comfort & they learn to protect you.  I don't know if any animal "loves" the way humans do, but whatever it is that is "love" in a dog is often more profoundly real & deep than what any other human could ever offer.

I don't know if I can write as much about George as I did about Buster because I am still deep in my grief.  He was my wife's dog first, he saved her life when she was broken & he was first & foremost her best friend.  She adopted him from a hound rescue place in Austin, who rescued him from some rich twats in Austin who kept him chained to a tree outside for the first two years of him life.  There's a bumper sticker we often see: "Who rescued whom?"  George & Magda rescued each other, & his love for her - well, I don't know if I can ever love her as much as he loved her.

It was hard for me, as a cat person, to get used to George.  George would climb between me & Magda in bed when she & I first met, so he saw me as much as a rival as I saw him.  He had had some issues with men as well - perhaps his old twatty rich Austin owners had kicked him around - & I remember the first time I leaned over to pet George, he peed on me.  I tried not to take it personally.

Of the two of us, Magda spent the most time with George.  They would go on long walks, he'd go to school with her, he'd be next to her at night.  He was a very loud dog, & he would cry & bark when we left & howled his happiness when we returned.  He was a charmer, very handsome, & I admit with sadness I was always a little jealous of him in those early days.  He was crafty, too - at the first Christmas I spent with Magda at my family's place, with no one watching him, he ate an entire cheese log in one triumphant gulp.  It wasn't the first time he managed to steal food - as Magda has put it, "Gary never had a birthday cake that didn't have dog bites in it."

In 2004, we adopted another beagle, Ringo - I thought it was for Magda, & so did she - but it turns out, Ringo was a present for George.  They became fast friends & partners in crime.  (I wish Ringo could talk - it's hard to ascribe feelings to an animal - but I don't know how he's dealing with George's loss.)  I didn't go on walks with Magda & the boys in those days - not much, anyway - but she'd take them off leash & the two of them would go wandering, having adventures we'll never know about.  & always, always coming home.

It goes without saying that everyone adored George.  He was prone to love others, too.  When the band Bearsuit stayed at our place during SXSW in - gosh, I guess it was 2008 - I often found George sleeping on the futon with Iain.  He had a twinkle in his eye & a spring in his step - he really did - I loved to watch him prance.  He was a little big for a beagle - perhaps he was a mixed breed - so he had a deer-like quality to him.

I started feeding the dogs around the time Winston came along - that was in 2007.  He was our third beagle & our problem child.  He's a dwarf, & taking care of him because of his health issues became our focus (although to her credit, Magda would carry him on her daily walks, because he, too, wanted to be with George - & Ringo, naturally).  Beagles, it might not surprise you to know, don't share well, no matter how good friends they are, & Magda was never able to discipline them.  Dinnertime was a raucous mess.  I took over just so there wouldn't be as much shouting.  At that point, & when I began regularly giving them treats for going outside, it seems to have dawned on the dogs that I was the "alpha" in the household, & not just some guy who was around, & George started to pay more attention to me.

It wasn't until we moved to West Virginia, though, that he & I really became friends.  I was home more, I went on walks with them, & we had the time to get to know one another.  George was a senior citizen then, 11 or so, therefore less of a spazz, & I had the leisure to play with them.  I finally understood what Magda had seen in him, & you can say we fell in love, because we did.

This is so hard to write.  George hurt himself jumping off a porch sometime in the summer of 2010.  He slowly recovered but even so he couldn't go on the super-long walks we do daily.  We bought him a carriage to carry him around in, & surprisingly, he didn't much complain.  He just loved to go on walks.  He loved to be with us & with his brothers.  He also loved that I gave him treats as we walked.

This past summer, it seemed as though the injury he received in Huntington had returned, & we took him to a specialist in Louisville - these guys, who come highly recommended by me - thinking he might need back surgery.  They discovered a cancerous growth in his right front leg & it was amputated.  The doctor thought he had "gotten it all."  We hoped so too.

Three-legged George was still very Georgie.  I told someone, "He's the bravest person I ever met."  He didn't let his "disability" deter him - one night I dropped a tortilla (accidentally) on the floor, & he beat his two younger, healthier brothers to it.  But though he made it through a rough couple of weeks of recuperation, it was only a few months until the cancer came back, like cancer does, because cancer is sick & deceitful & evil.

The saddest thing, to me, as the cancer spread, is that it took his sight.  George had steadily grown more & more deaf, & I hated that he couldn't see for the last week of his life.  He never stopped relying on his magical nose, & he never stopped loving to eat.

He died Monday night on December 10.  He would have been fifteen in April.  He was a remarkable dog, he was a remarkable person, he was more loving & caring & friendly & loyal & kind than most of anyone I've ever met or will meet.  I understand why people want to believe in an afterlife - it's very hard to believe that I'll never see him again.  It seems crueller than any torture imaginable.

I dream about him, I miss his touch & smell, I even miss his extraordinary lungs.  He is another absence in my heart that I will never fill.  I can only hope I grow used to the absence, & find a way to live with is, as I did with the space left by Blue Boy & Buster.  But right now, that seems too difficult for the poor, poor likes of me.

I will try not to cry on the radio as I celebrate his life on Monday.

Puppy Play Time!

Here is a brief snippet of our youngest pup, Pauline, playing with our middle-agest pup, Winston, in our backyard this afternoon.  Taken from a longer, but just as poorly shot, bit of footage I was able to capture until my eyes starting bleeding from all the cuteness.  Enjoy!

A Preview Of Self Help Radio In 2013

A new year is the perfect time to revitalize one's radio show - it's an excuse to make much-needed changes & improvements!  Self Help Radio, however, is never one to squander an opportunity, & can promise pretty much the same thing it's always done for the new year!

Among these things:

1) Same old website!  Well, there will be one change: a new front page will have to be made, as each of the pages represents a year of playlists.  Also, the current front page with become the "2012" page.  It should take all of thirty minutes, & the webmaster (who's also me) will complain about it the entire time.

2) Different themes!  Yes, the one constant in Self Help Radio is that themes will be explored in the exact same way, which means that (except for anniversary shows) no theme will ever be repeated, no matter how many glaringly obvious songs I miss!

3) Twitter!  Facebook!  Again this year I will continue to underuse social media tools.  Mostly out of embarrassment.  I mean, have you heard the radio show?

4) Still on Monday morning!  Yes, Self Help Radio remains on Monday mornings (at least for the spring), making it another terrible thing that happens at the beginning of the work-week.

5) This blog is really dull!  I can't do much about it, it's kind of a reflection of me & the show.  I was toying with the idea of hiring a ghostwriter, but then I don't believe in ghosts.  I mean, seriously - if there really were such things as ghosts, wouldn't you see them all the time?

6) Cheating on my taxes!  Wait.  I don't think you needed to know that.  My backspace isn't working!  Crap!

7) I'll do more "Indiepop A To Z" episodes but won't be anywhere near finished!  But you expected that.

8) If you've heard it before, you'll hear it again!  Oh, it's true, there's not a cornball joke or routine that I won't run straight for, time after time, during my interminable airbreaks.  I wonder if there's a clinical name for this malady, & if so, is it Henny Youngman's disease?

I can't apologize more for the rut that I'm stuck in that's called Self Help Radio, mainly because I can't think of a synonym for "apologize."  However, you should take a small amount of comfort in the fact that, as the world gets more horrible due to stupid politicians & climate change, one thing stays the same: the predictability of Self Help Radio!

Hoorah?

It's Indiepop A To Z # 39!

Self Help Radio 121231: Indiepop A To Z # 39

Yes yes yes.  The alphabetizing continues!  Hen to Hit today!  The end is nowhere in sight.

I can't go on, I must go on.  See?  This is an existential radio show.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website &/or you can access the files in an individual manner: here's part one & here's part two.  What's in both parts is listed below.

The last show of 2012 is a list show.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Get Yourself Together" Henry's Dress _Bust 'Em Green_
"Nobody Loves Me" The Hepburns _How The Fallen Are Mighty_
"Ultra-Crush" Her Tears _A Gift From Sing-Sing_

"Idlewild" Here's Johnny _Idlewild_
"No Milk Today" Herman's Hermits _There's A Kind Of Hush (All Over The World)_
"Surfin' Vietnam" The Hermit Crabs _Let's Try Another Ideal Guest House_
"So Blue" The Hermit Crabs _Time Relentless EP_
"Slumber" Herostratos _EardrumsPop 100_

"Me & My Charms" Kristin Hersh _Hips & Makers_
"Two Mothers" Herzfeld _Two Mothers_
"Enclosed" Hewas _Invited To Dinner_
"Haystack" Kevin Hewick & New Order _From Brussels With Love_
"Belle & Julian" Hey Hey My My _Too Much Space EP_

"I Really Do Love Penelope" Hey Paulette _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Volume 1_

(part two)

"Blue Hat For A Blue Day" Nick Heyward _North Of A Miracle_
"It Only Works Because You’re Here" MJ Hibbett _Indietracks 2009 - An Indiepop Compilation_
"Fee Fie" The Hidden Cameras _Awoo_
"Box Set Go" The High _Somewhere Soon_

"Addicted To A TV" The High Fidelity _Demonstration_
"Flowers Bloom" High Highs _High Highs_
"Giddy & Gay" The High Llamas _Gideon Gaye_
"Finding Clovers" The High Water Marks _Polar_
"There Is A Town" The Higher Elevations _Always The Same_

"Conspiracy" The Higsons _Conspiracy_
"Nowhere Train" Hill Bandits _Nowhere Train_
"Long Brown Eyes" Hip Young Things _The Noise & The Melodies - The Pearl-Compilation_
"Psycho" Hipslingers _Young Blood_
"Baby Fish Mouth" His Name Is Alive _Mouth By Mouth_
"You Didn't Love Me Then" The Hit Parade _CD86: 48 Tracks From The Birth Of Indie Pop_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 39?

We'll start with HEN or so.  We may get as far as HOL.  Interestingly, I was once called a Hen's Hole in high school.  I shook the fellow who was insulting me's hand.

It's tomorrow morning on the very last day of 2012, from 7am to 9am.  I don't know about you, but this was not an easy year for me.  You can listen on the 88.1 fm frequency in Lexington, or and you can listen online at wrfl.fm.  I am hoping that 2013 goes a little easier.  I will try to get the show online at the Self Help Radio website but it probably won't happen until the new year.  But perhaps I will be better about such things then.

Happy new year!  I hope yours is fun & you'll be safe & stuff!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 39: Picture Of The New Puppy Sleeping In Lieu Of Real Content

Enjoy.

Grammar Fascist

I like the AllMusic web site, I think it's a nice resource, but I have always felt - I have friends who think this, too - that it would benefit from having the sort of user comments that the Internet Movie Database has.  I don't necessarily need to read what everyone thinks about my favorite records, but when you have only a small group of people review stuff, you're bound to have some reviews that slip by with little or no editing.

Case in point: this review of the George Harrison song "Think For Yourself":

I have screen-captured it, & circled the two things that annoy me, &, in my opinion, invalidate the review.  One, the dude doesn't know the difference between "its" & "it's."  Can you imagine someone with a real writing gig making that mistake?  It's Grammar 101!

The second thing is that he misquotes the lyrics.  Never once does George Harrison sing "you gotta think for yourself" in the song.

I guess you can think that the song is "dated" but I'm not going to pay attention to your opinions when you can't even properly quote the song.  It's not like there aren't hundreds of lyrics sites out there.

If you were allowed to comment on this, you could call this dumbass out & perhaps encourage him to correct his errors.

Interestingly, the AllMusic Guide doesn't let you search for writers, so I can't see what other nonsense the reviewer - "Thomas Ward" - has written.

Some might think that I am making a big deal about nothing, but this little review is a microcosm of the biggest problem with the site.  It has an insularity that makes it far from the important resource it could be.  That's too bad.

Also, that's a pretty great George Harrison song.

Green Wing

Have you seen this?  Dude, it's on Netflix!  You know, the streaming part.  Where you can watch it on your computer.

Not that I'm a paid employee of anyone, because I am'nt.  I'm just watching every episode of Green Wing in order until my brain starts to swoon.

Should I be doing something else?

A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2012!

Santa made me put this up before he started work tonight!

Two hours of Christmas music!  I talk about Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Pancha Ganapati, & Boxing Day!  & Captain Kangaroo seems to enjoy talking about burning Christmas trees & melting snowmen!

Listen to it now at the Self Help Radio web site.  Listen to the two parts at one click: part one | part two.  Unwrap the list below to see what's in each present!

Happy holidays everyone!  Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Season's Freaklings" Bunnygrunt _Blue Christmas_
"I Want An Alien For Christmas" Hillary & The Democrats _Christmastime, Approximately_
"Twimmin' De Cwis'mas Twee" Duncan Sisters _Twimmin' De Cwis'mas Twee_
"Here Comes Christmas" Remington Super 60 _Go System Go!_

"Santa Claus Is Skaing To Town" The Granville Williams Orchestra _Trojan Christmas Box Set_
"The Christmas Song" The Raveonettes _Heartbreak Stroll EP_
"Kung Fu Xmas" Pearly Gatecrashers _Spectacular_
"Santa Claus Is Sometimes Brown" El Vez _Merry MeX-mas_
"Santa Claus Is A Black Man" Akim & The Teddy Vann Production Company _A John Waters Christmas_

"I'm Not Really In The Christmas Mood This Year" Foxtails Brigade _Time Is Passed_
"A Feast" Lisa Germano _A Feast_
"I've Had A Very Merry Christmas" Jerry Lewis _Jerry Lewis: Capitol Collector's Series_
"Christmas" Red Sleeping Beauty _Pop Sounds_
"Gettin' Ready For Christmas Day" Rev. J.M. Gates With His Congregation _Goodbye, Babylon_

"Santa Je T'Aime" The Superions _Destination... Christmas!_

(part two)

"Last Christmas" Palast Orchester feat. Max Raabe _Party Time!_
"Disco Christmas" The Universal Robot Band _Disco Christmas_
"Do They Know It's Christmas" Richard Cheese _Silent Nightclub_
"Do You Hear What I Hear?" The Children Of The University Of Michigan Children's Psychiatric Hospital _Christmas At C.P.H._

"The Littlest Snowman" Captain Kangaroo _First Christmas Record For Children_
"Here Comes The Rhythm Band" The Peppermint Kandy Kids _Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer_
"Little Twinka-Den" Twinka-Den _Little Twinka-Den_
"The Twelve Days Of Christmas" Sharon, Lois & Bram _Candles, Snow & Mistletoe_
"I Won't Let You Lick My Candy Bar" Susan Kay _Christmas On The Moon With Tim Dinkins_

"Stone Soul Christmas" Binky Griptite _Santa's Funk & Soul Christmas Party_
"Christmas Love (feat. Rotary Connection)" Minnie Riperton _Her Chess Years_
"Goin' To Bethlehem" Countryside Unitarian Fellowship _Hey Jesus Christ Welcome To This World_
"Merry, Merry Christmas" Bill Elliott _Merry, Merry Christmas_

"Christmas Tyme" Yard Trauma _Fuzz, Acid & Mistletoe: Christmas In The Garage_
"Snowflakes!" The Happiest Guys In The World _The Tarquin Records All Star Holiday Extravaganza_
"Teenage Christmas" Jacobites _God Save Us Poor Sinners_

PS Last year's show is available for listening too if you're a glutton for punishment.  Ho ho ho!

Whither A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2012?

Tomorrow morning, 7 to 9am.  88.1 fm in Lexington.  wrfl dot fm online.  self help radio dot net later.  Oh yeah.  SANTA'S GOING DOWN.

(That was dumb, sorry.)

Also: this is post number 1500.  I didn't want to make a big deal about it.  But.  Wow.

Happy holidays!

Preface To A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2012: Nipping At Your Nose

I have no idea why I like Christmas music so much.  I don't celebrate the holiday (except on the radio). I was thinking the other day that I missed giving folks presents - though I never really got anyone anything they really wanted & I very rarely got anything I wanted.  Even when I was specific.

One Christmas, back when my family "drew names," one of my brothers drew my name & asked what I wanted.  I knew what I wanted.  I wanted a Sisters of Mercy bootleg they had at a local record store in Garland.  (It moved at some point - I wonder if it's still there.  I can't remember its name!)  The bootleg probably cost around twenty bucks, which might have been a little too much for my perennially-low-wage-earning brother, but hey, it was Christmas.

The night of Christmas - I was a poor college student then, you know, & didn't buy anything for anyone - I was looking forward to at least getting to go home that night & listen to a bootleg by a band that I loved whose entire recorded output at that time I was already quite familiar with.  A bootleg might mean covers I've never heard!  Or different lyrics!  More passion!  More subtlety!

(There was a great Sisters boot that I loved around that time - I wish I could remember its name - damn! it's too bad we don't live in a time when there might be some kind of computer resource listing all known Sisters Of Mercy bootlegs.  Oh well.)

There was an album-sized package with my name on it that Christmas, but when I opened it, it was the album The Gift by the Andrew Eldritch side project "The Sisterhood."

My brother, you see, had "talked to" the fellow behind the counter at the store, who assured him that that record (which cost less ten dollars less than the bootleg, since it was just an EP, which might have been my brother's motivation) was a rarity.  My brother did seem proud he had discovered it.  But of course, I already owned it.  The reason I had asked for the bootleg was, of course, what I said above: I had already heard all that was commercially available by the Sisters.  I suppose I am lucky he didn't buy me a Mission UK album.

Was my brother really trying to one-up me, or was he just cheap?  I smiled & said thank you.  What else could I do?  & I gave the duplicate EP to someone.  I can't remember who.

That's a big reason why the wife & I don't try to surprise each other with gifts - we know each other well enough to know that we'd ask for anything we wanted if we wanted when we wanted.

I still love Christmas music, however.

The Curse Of The Curse Word Curator

This is weird - the great linguist Hugh Rawson doesn't have a Wikipedia entry.  He does have a page on the Huffington Post but that seems too rinky-dink for the great writer of Wicked Words, which, sadly, is no longer in print.

Though the book is written more as a resource (when you absolutely, positively need to know why "codswallop" is a bad word) than a narrative non-fiction book, I have found I can - & have - read it cover to cover & it's just as enjoyable.

For example, here's what he says about "codswallop":

"Nonsense, British-style.  Thus, when Sir Fred Hoyle, an astronomer, dared challenge the authenticity of a famous bird fossil, paleontologists rose up to defend their turf: '"It's rubbish," Dr. Cyril A. Walker, a paleontologist at the [British] museum, said of Sir Fred's contention. "Codswallop," echoed Dr. Alan J. Charig, a curator at the museum' (New York Times, 5/7/85). The word sounds as though it should be an old one, but the OED's earliest example comes only from 1963.  The OED says 'Origin unknown,' but it seems significant that cod is an old word for the scrotum and that codswallop is used derisively in the same way as the exclamatory Balls!"

(To be fair, the Wiktionary has a different etymology, but it seems more speculative.  I'd trust my friend Hugh here.)

(To be more fair, the folks at etymonline.com - another favorite site of mine! - split the difference.)

I gave money to Wikipedia this year & one of the things it asked when I shelled out the big bucks was something like "Would you like to learn how to edit a Wikipedia page?"  I said no - I mean, someone gave me a Metafilter membership once & I almost never visit that site anymore - but now I wish I had said yes - so I could create a Hugh Rawson page!

I'd probably also create a Self Help Radio page, so it's best I don't know how.

End Of The World!

Human beings have a terrible track record with predicting the end of the world.  Take a look.

Is it wrong that I like the phrase "heat death of the universe"?

I remember having a discussion with some kids at KVRX many moons ago about the Mayan prophecies (which of course have passed without any apocalyptic event, except perhaps frightening children) & making the comment that you've doubtless heard a billion times by now, which is this: "Why should we trust the prophecies of a civilization that didn't seem to be able to predict their own destruction?"

Does it matter that the descendants of the Maya call horse hockey on the predictions?

It doesn't!  People believe what they want to believe!

Almost 1500

A special blog post on a non-blog-posting day to say: hooray!  I've almost reached 1500 posts on this silly blog!

If you'll recall, I have had a habit of trying to count my blog posts, & I've failed more or less miserably. Probably because I am a little dumb.  Also!  I didn't just take advantage of the fact that the Blogger Corporation (formerly Borders Books) allows me to select a page with one hundred posts on it, &, if I just go back to the first one, I can discover that:

I began on 9/12/06, & on 3/1/07, I had reached post # 100.  (There's no sign that I knew it was my 100th post.)

My 200th post actually came on 8/8/07.  My counting was off, & I celebrated my 200th post on my 204th post.  It gets worse.

My 300th post was on 01/07/08.  My 400th on 5/28/08.

My 500th was on 10/14/08 & I got it right!  I celebrate writing five hundred meaningless things by telling my third grade teacher to suck it.  Like one should.

I hit 600 on 3/25/09 (though I celebrate the day before).  I hit 700 on 9/28/09 - & did the same.  I hit 800 on 2/22/10, & was still celebrating the day before.  I hit 900 on 7/24/10, & you know how I screwed it up.

The 1000th post - which should have been a big deal - was celebrated when it was really the 998th post.  The 1000th post actually happened on 12/31/10 - which would have been something if I had really been paying attention.

Here's the ledger for the last four:

1100 - 5/23/11 (got it wrong)
1200 - 10/17/11 (sigh)
1300 - 3/5/12 (seriously, what is wrong with me)
1400 - 7/26/12 (celebrated on 7/21)

But this time I know I'm right!  This is the one thousand four hundred ninety-sixth post.  I am certain of it.  I know it'll be the superduper 1500th post in just four days!  I'm sure!

Somewhat sure.  But.  What if I've made another mistake?

Here's What's Favorites

Do I have to stress that this is not a "best of"?  I'm apparently not in tune with the world of musical criticism, & as such don't know what the "best of" 2012 was.  None of the songs I played are on this list.  Nothing I played is on the Washington Post's 'best pop music of 2012'.  Even the place I might be most likely to have some crossover - England - has only one artist that graces a huge list of critics' lists - the Magnetic Fields - at the Guardian's website.

KVRX had a slogan in the late 1990's - "We're not popular!" - & I feel pretty unpopular right now.

In any event, here's what I listened to & liked best this year.  The show is at the Self Help Radio website.  Or hey!  Directly here: part one | part two.  The track listing is below.

Let me know what you liked best this year!  & thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Every Boy In NY" Woodpecker _Thanks Anyway_
"Tiffany Lou" Daughn Gibson _All Hell_

"The Right To Complain" Louis CK _Word: Live At Carnegie Hall_
"Psychotic Episode" Royal Headache _Royal Headache_
"Bo Diddley" Evans The Death _Evans The Death_
"The Perp Walk" Peace _The World Is Too Much With Us_
"The Girl From The DDR" The Wedding Present _Valentina_

"Computers" Eddie Izzard _Live At Madison Square Garden_
"Andrew In Drag" The Magnetic Fields _Love At The Bottom Of The Sea_
"Some Dandruff On Your Shoulder" Jens Lekman _I Know What Love Isn't_
"Amy aka Spent Gladiator 1" The Mountain Goats _Transcendental Youth_
"Bibliotek" Momus _Bibliotek_

"Capricornia" Allo Darlin' _Europe_

(part two)

"Typing, Texting" The Smittens _Believe Me_
"Friends Of Friends" Hospitality _Hospitality_
"So Easy" Lightning Love _Blonde Album_
"Allergies" The Lovely Eggs _Wildlife_

"Wack Writing" Hannibal Buress _Animal Furnace_
"Photographs Of Naked Ladies" Toy Love _Live At The Gluepot 1980_
"Spaghetti" The Wave Pictures _Long Black Cars_
"The Sun" Go-Kart Mozart _On The Hot Dog Streets_
"Heliopolis" Sunbutler _Sunbutler_

"The Trouble With Candyhands" Deerhoof _Breakup Song_
"Cover" Talk Normal _Sunshine_
"Alphabet" Martin Creed _Love To You_
"Let's Set Ourselves On Fire" Hospital Bombers _At Budokan_
"Hot Travel Tips" Todd Barry _Super Crazy_
"Bluebirds" The Barbaras _2006-2008_
"Slow Walkin'" The Babies _Our House On The Hill_

Whither Gary's Favorite Music 2012

The year-end lists are starting!  The end of the year is at hand!

Here's a list from the New York Times!  None of these records will be played on my show tomorrow.

Here's a list of the highest rated records by Pitchfork this year.  Nope, none of them made my top twenty-five.

(I won't do the show in top ten style.  It's hard enough to pick the song I liked best from the record I listened to most.)

It's funny, I am completely baffled by what people consider great.  I have probably shared my theory with you that people who review records for big publications end up reviewing stuff from major labels primarily because those labels can afford to send critics stuff for free.  Imagine a music critic going out to buy a record!  It's like a movie critic paying to see a movie!

I'm not a critic, I'm just a guy who knows what he likes.  I play the stuff I like & the stuff that got played the most is obviously the stuff I liked the most & that's the stuff I'll highlight tomorrow.

Hey!  You should listen!  It's tomorrow morning from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  Listen online simultaneously at wrfl.fm.  Listen later at selfhelpradio.net.

Make your own best of!  Make your own podcasts!  Start your own radio station!  Invite me on it!

Preface To Gary's Favorite Music 2012: At Last! The Show About Lips Posted!

Sorry this show has been posted so late!  What?  No one noticed?  Oh well.

Here's last Monday's show about lips.  No kissing or smacking noises to be found.  You can see the songs below.  You can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website, or directly - part one is here & part two is here.

Enjoy the show!  Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Kiss Your Lips" Allo Darlin' _Allo Darlin'_
"I Want A Lip" April Stevens _Ultra Lounge Vol. 18: Bottoms Up!_

"And Then I Kissed Your Lips" Gary Wilson _You Think You Really Know Me_
"I Bit My Lip" The Housemartins _Raise The Flag_
"His Lips Get In The Way" The Shirelles _Dedicated To You_
"Don't Give Me No Lip Child" Dave Berry _This Strange Effect_
"Purple Lips" Nico _The Aura Anthology_
"Stiff Upper Lip" Ella Fitzgerald _Ella Fitzgerald Sings Gershwin_

"Scottish Lips" Momus _Oskar Tennis Champion_
"Lipsmacker Kiss" All Girl Summer Fun Band _Summer Of '98_
"Lip-Smacking Good" Todd Barry _Super Crazy_
"Lip Service" R. Stevie Moore _Games & Groceries_
"Lips Like Sugar" Echo & The Bunnymen _Echo & The Bunnymen_
"Lippy" Sarandon _Kill Twee Pop!_

"Lipstick" The Buzzcocks _Complete Singles Anthology_
"Lipstick On Your Collar" The Saints _Wild About You_

(part two)

"Lippenstift Am Jacket" Conny Froboess _Rock & Roll Party - 1957-62 In Deutsch_
"Lipstick Traces On A Cigarette" The O'Jays _Beg, Scream, Shout: The Big Ol' Box Of 60s Soul_
"Lipstick Vogue" Elvis Costello _This Year's Model_
"Lipstick" Dressy Bessy _Little Music_

"Our Lips Are Sealed" Nouvelle Vague _3_
"Pucker Your Lips" The Bluenotes _The Best Of Red Top Records Vol. 2_
"Your Lips + My Lips" Spring Boutique _It's A Sweet Thing!_
"Lip Crud" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"The Lip" Louis Prima & Keely Smith _Just A Gigolo_
"Lips That Are Not Mine" Po! _Ducks & Drakes_
"Lips Are Redder On You" Bobby Ross _The Joe Meek Collection - Hidden Gems Vol. 1_

"Sugar Lips" Dub Dickerson _Boppin' In The Dark_
"Pale Thin Lips" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_
"Molly's Lips" The Vaselines _The Way Of The Vaselines - A Complete History_
"Mutilated Lips" Ween _The Mollusk_
"Lucky Lips" Ruth Brown _Atlantic Rhythm & Blues (1947-74)_
"Lollipop Lips" Connie Francis _Rockin' Connie_
"Bite My Lips" Boat _Dress Like Your Idols_

Newtown, Connecticut

Words fail.

What A Week This Was

Hey, I just checked my probably-not-reliable Google Analytics, which tells me the number of times I visit my own blog (&, if there are others, how many others) & it says recently a handful of people have found their way here, & maybe it's even to listen to my recent shows, to see that I've posted them over on the Self Help Radio website, because they're interested I can imagine almost, or because they want to see what I played.

(Right now I am listening to Scott Walker's new record & it's all I can do to hold on to my sanity as I write this.)

For reasons that will be covered in a later show (at the first of the year), I've had a terrible week & while I've managed to edit half my show for the web, I am not done yet - & I probably won't be until Saturday.  So I am sorry!  I am sorry!

I hope this doesn't inconvenience you.  It has certainly inconvenienced me.

Whither Lips?

Are you a fan of kissing?  I should hope so!  Kissing is generally performed with the lips.  This much is true.  In fact, Wikipedia (to whom I gave money recently) admits, quite frankly that kissing is "the act of pressing one's lips against the lips or other body parts of another person or of an object."

There are obviously different kinds of kisses, which made my brain say, "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"  But that's neither here nor there, brain.  Why you gotta interrupt me like that?

Of the different kinds of kisses, many authorities without lip sores rank the "romantical kiss" as the best of all.  That's a kiss between lovers, the sort of kiss that kinda grosses you out if you're not in on it, or if you're not watching pretty people do it in a romantic comedy.

I might have also said something about pornography, but I don't think they're allowed to kiss in pornography, are they?

Here's something that's chilling if you (a) have lips & (b) enjoy kissing (of the primarily romantical nature): if you get married, & if that marriage is of the traditional monogamous variety, you probably won't get to kiss anyone besides the person you marry for the rest of your life.

For example, I have not kissed another person in the romantical sense since I started dating the woman I married.  That means it's been like eleven years!  That's amazing!

Now, for most people, since they are making the commitment to be married, they understand that, & it's cool.  I haven't met anyone in the last decade with whom I wanted to kiss more than my spouse.  I still enjoy kissing her, although I think she could make it through the day without kissing me.  She tries, anyway.

I am always there with my lips puckered to foil her antiromantical plans!

The show will be on the air tomorrow from 7 till 9am on the 88.1 fm frequency in Lexington, Kentucky, streaming simultaneously from the WRFL website.  It'll be lip-smacking good!

All right, probably not.  But whether it's good or not, I'll try to have it on the Self Help Radio website in a timely manner.

Preface To Lips: Read Mine

I have been reading, lately, (at the advice of the the Word Detective) Hugh Rawson's Dictionary Of Euphemisms & Other Doubletalk
, & I was hoping there'd be some interesting euphemisms for "lip" or "lips" that I could share on this week's show.  Alas, there's not an entry for "lips."  But there is, in the entry for the word "bushwa," this entry:
Bushwa, also bushwah, booshwa, booshwa, boushwa, or boushwah: they all up to the same thing: bullshit.

Okay, that's unhelpful.  Let's move on to this:

Similar to "bushwa" is "bushlips," a nonce term but redolent with history, alluding to President George Bush's emphatic "Read my lips" promise (later broken) not to raise taxes.  This was typically encountered, ca. 1990, in such phrases as "Don't give me any of that bushlips" or "I know pure, unadulterated bushlips when I hear it."

Oh, to have existed in a simpler time - twenty years ago!

Where To Put The Quote.

Quote quoted at me from (possibly genius but scary in perverted Lolita manner) Nabokov (the book called I think Pale Fire) a poem which goes or went:


It missed the gist of the whole thing; it missed
What mostly interests the preterist;
For we die every day; oblivion thrives
Not on dry thighbones but on blood-ripe lives,
And our best yesterdays are now foul piles
Of crumpled names, phone numbers & foxed files.
I'm ready to become a floweret
Or a fat fly, but never, to forget.
& I'll turn down eternity unless
The melancholy & the tenderness
Of mortal life; the passion & the pain;
The claret taillight of that dwindling plane
Off Hesperus; your gesture of dismay
On running out of cigarettes; the way
You smile at dogs; the trail of silver slime
Snails leave on flagstones; this good ink, this rhyme,
This index card, this slender rubber band
Which always forms, when dropped, an ampersand,
Are found in Heaven by the newlydead
Stored in its strongholds through the years.

& I liked it!

But then Nabokov was all like:

& I didn't say I liked it out loud all that much though I did.  Really I did.

Useless Explanations

(Noises of things being shuffled around in an attempt to delay or if possible postpone.)

Well.

No one's here so it's as good a time as any to make an apology.

I am lucky there's no mirror here because it's me I am apologizing to.

From the almost-earliest days of Self Help Radio (meaning in the show's third year), I started doing an end-of-the-year "best of" show (quickly retitled "favorites") because that's what radio shows do & because I listen to a lot of records during the year & want to support many of them (especially if they don't have songs that fit into my chosen themes).

Well.  I was also listening to a lot of electronica at that time, so it seemed - I started this a year or two later - I could also do a "favorite electronica" show.

& I did.  From 2005 to 2011.

You might have noticed I am not going to do one this year.  Was there no good electronica?

Actually, I'm not sure.  I kind of lost interest.

Not entirely.  But not enough to fill an entire radio show.

I think a lot of my favorite electronica artists have decided they want to be more poppy.  Or make their music with acoustic instruments, to "prove" their musicians.  & then there's dubstep, which became ubiquitous, & which is mostly not all that good these days.  At some point I drifted away.

So, I apologize.  I wish I kept up.  I wish I had the energy to keep up.  There was a lot of great music this year.  A lot.  The favorites show will be hard to do.

But no electronica.

Sorry about that.

(Looking around, sounds of crickets, the lights dim.)

Worry Not!

Don't worry, be happy I didn't play that song on my show about worry.

Otherwise, worry.  There's every reason to.  Perhaps Self Help Radio's show can help ease your worries.

The show is worrying itself at Self Help Radio Dot Net.  As usual, it's in two parts, or, as I worry someone will call them, "chunks."  Part one is here & part two is here, with a track listing of each part below.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"I'm So Worried" Monty Python _Monty Python Sings_
"Ease My Worried Mind" Sonny Terry & Brownie McGhee _Hometown Blues_
"I Don't Worry Myself" Johnny Adams _Action Speaks Louder Than Words: The Best Of SSS International_

"Isch Ka Bibble (I Should Worry)" Kay Kyser _The Best Of Kay Kyser & His Orchestra_
"Worryin' Kind" Regents _Quagmire, Vol. 5_
"Something Is Worrying Me" Otis Redding _The Otis Redding Story_
"Don't Worry This Isn't About You" The Cat's Miaow _Songs For Girls To Sing_
"Baby Don'tcha Worry" Tammi Terrell _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 6: 1966_
"God's Getting Worried" Virginia Dandies _Goodbye, Babylon_

"Your Time To Worry" Blind Willie McTell _Complete Recorded Works, Vol.3 (1933-35)_
"Don't Worry Baby" Bryan Ferry _These Foolish Things_
"Sometimes I Worry About You" The Razorcuts _Sometimes I Worry About You_
"Why I Worry About You" House Of Commons _History Of Michigan Garage, Vol. 1: The Wheels 4 Label Story_
"Don't Worry" Pere Ubu _Raygun Suitcase_

"Worried Blues" Bob Dylan _The Bootleg Series, Vols. 1-3 : Rare & Unreleased, 1961-1991_

(part two)

"Don't Worry About The Government" Talking Heads _The Name Of This Band Is Talking Heads_
"Why Worry" Israel Vibration _The Same Song_
"Worri" Majesty Crush _Fan_

"Worry Worry" The Fiery Furnaces _Gallowsbird's Bark_
"Worry" The Splinters _Kick_
"Do I Worry?" The Ink Spots _The Singing Detective_
"Don't You Worry Little One" Adventures In Stereo _Adventures In Stereo_
"Worried Man Blues" The Carter Family _Wildwood Flower_
"Worryhead" Summer Twins _Summer Twins_

"Worried Life Blues" Big Maceo _When The Sun Goes Down, Vol. 4: That's All Right_
"The Worryin' Song" Guided By Voices _Demons & Painkillers_
"Don't Worry" The Moss Poles _Shorn_
"Nothin' In The World Can Stop Me Worryin' Bout That Girl" The Kinks _Kinda Kinks_
"Do Your Best & Don't Worry" Morrissey _Southpaw Grammar_

"New Worried Mind" Bob Wills _San Antonio Rose_
"Worried Blues" Gladys Bentley _Roots N' Blues: The Retrospective (1925-1950)_

Whither Worry?

Please hurry, hurry, hurry!
We've got no time for worry!
Because your eyes get blurry
when you worry, worry, worry!

At dinner we'll have curry
& afterwards we'll worry!
We'll scowl like Fred McMurray
& we'll worry, worry, worry!

If you've lost your fringe-topped surrey
It's probably time to worry!
Don't scamper & don't scurry
While you worry, worry, worry!

Find a friend who's face is furry
To join in on the worry!
In the middle of a flurry
We will worry, worry, worry!

You're looking Raymond Burr-y
Just Perry Mason worries!
Like a ship's deck covered in gurry
All our worry, worry, worry!

You can simper like Peter Lorre
When you worry worry worry!
Or you can dance like Arthur Murray
When you worry worry worry!

More bad poetry tomorrow on Self Help Radio - from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & online at wrfl dot fm!

Archived later at self help radio dot net!

No worries!

Preface To Worry: It Takes A Worried Person

Thirteen years ago - it was another century - I happened into a men's room in an unfamiliar building at the University of Texas at Austin.  I was walking across campus &, you know, had to use the facilities, like you do, & wandered into the nearest building.

It was a nice old restroom, dating - like the building - from the early 1960s.  The building was mostly deserted - it was afternoon, it was summer, there were no classes - so I had the place to myself, which is how I prefer it anyway.

I used to carry a notebook with me to write stuff down, thoughts & ideas, impressions, even (god help me) poetry & prose.  But I wasn't going to be composing on the crapper - I just needed to "do my business" & get out of there.

I am glad I had the notebook, though, because there was a sort-of haiku on the wall, & commentary, which delighted me so that I had to write it down.

Someone wrote:

"No matter how beautiful she is
 Someone, somewhere
 Is sick of her shit."

Underneath, a different person wrote:

"We should have such worries, you and i."

That building - & therefore that little bit of bathroom poesy - no longer exists.  There's another building in its place, & I remember thinking about the graffiti when I watched workers tear the building down a few years later.

Over time workers built something new there, & I walked past it often as I walked around campus, but for the life of me I can't think of what that new edifice looks like.

But I can see the scrawled words of wisdom - & the pithy response - on the back of a men's room's stall's door as clear as day.

The Gag Writer

Did anyone call for a gag writer?  There's a gag writer at the door.

He's a nervous chap, with a crooked smile, & he's holding a small box which appears to contain a lot of differently colored index cards.

He speaks so softly!  Bernie said he had a kind of feminine giggle.

You wouldn't think it - this is an old neighborhood, there are so many retirees here - but he says that, yes, he often gets calls from folks who want a joke here & there.  Many jokes, he says, are started by the person who requests him, but they can't think of a punchline.

Tanya asks him if he sings, & he blushes & says, Oh no.

It's not hard, he says, to think of funny things.  What's hard is that people find different things funny.  We make him a cup of tea & he sits down, keeping the box of index cards on his lap.

He's very polite, Bernie notes, & though he appears ill at ease, he smiles & listens intently to our comments, & answers all of our questions.

He realizes he got the address wrong - we're a road & he was looking for an avenue - & he is apologetic, hoping he did not put us out in any way.

He gives me his card, & I can't help thinking that if he had a hat - well, not only would it cover his bald spot - but he'd tip it as he left.  He seems like that kind of guy.

He gets into his beat-up Ford Fiesta, backs into our driveway to turn around, & chugs off down the street.

It's funny, Tanya says.  We had a gag writer here & never even asked him to tell us a joke.

Gasp! First Ever Blog Post Written On My Phone!

It comes as no surprise that I am somewhat behind in technological advances - I still don't know what Instagram is - so as I was sitting here in a boring meeting, it occurred to me I could write in my dumb blog instead of paying attention.

I wonder, will it say "posted from my iPhone"?

That always annoys me.

I don't think it's something I'll do regularly. It's hard to type on the phone, especially since I didn't grow up with texting. Also, I have fingers like sausages.

Still, it's neat. Now if I could just learn how to send pictures with my texts...

Content? What content!

Another Birthday Down The Drain

Hey people!  Do you have a person with whom you're madly in love?  Also, do you have a radio show?  If so, one way to celebrate that person's life is to make a radio show every year around the time of his or her birthday & play a lot of birthday songs!  You will average a 41% rise in goodwill which will make your next year very happy!

What?  You don't have a radio show?  You can use mine!  Just go to Self Help Radio's website & listen to this week's show, which is about birthdays!  (You can see the song list below.)

Hey!  I know what you're thinking!  This is about someone named "Magda."  (See picture above.)  Sure, but the songs aren't all about her.  & anyway, for a short time, you can still listen to last year's birthday show for her.  All those songs!  About birthdays!  41% I said!

(For this year's show, you can listen to each part by clicking here: part one | part two.)

Happy birthday to Magda!  Again!

& thank you for listening!

(part one)

"Peter's Birthday (Black & White Rainbows)" World Of Oz _Muffin Man_
"A Cat Had A Birthday" Sesame Street _Hot! Hot! Hot! Dance Songs_
"Happy Birthday" So Many Wizards _Warm Nothing_

"Happy Birthday Lisa" Jens Lekman _Live From Stora Teatern_
"Born" Beloved Binge _Pockets_
"Happy Hippie Birthday" SoKo _I Thought I Was An Alien_
"Happy Happy Birthday Baby" Sandy Posey _Sandy Posey: Born to Be Hurt - The Anthology (1966-1982)_
"All The Birthdays" The Apartments _The Evening Visits... & Stays Forever_

"Jest's Birthday" Kimya Dawson _Knock-Knock Who?_
"Birthday Reminder" The Smittens _Believe Me_
"Envelope" The Phantom Six _Plastic Rain_
"Happy Birthday To Me!" Luv Clowns _Love Clowns!_
"The Happy Birthday Song" Andrew Bird _Andrew Bird & The Mysterious Production Of Eggs_

(part two)

"Magdalena" Alan Vega _Jukebox Babe/Collision Drive_
"Romance In Durango" Bob Dylan _Desire_
"Oh Magdalena" George Baker Selection _The Complete Collection_
"Magdalen Sky" Mark Gardener _These Beautiful Ghosts_
"Birthdays" Max Bollinger _Easy Russian For English Speakers, Vol. 1 & 2_

"Keep Your Hands Off Of It (Birthday Cake)" Jerry Lee Lewis _Jerry Rocks_
"Happy Birthday To You" O.B. Jackson _Hollerin'_
"Birthday" The Sensational Alex Harvey Band _Considering The Situation: Anthology_
"Happy Birthday, Mr. President (James Hardway Remix)" Marilyn Monroe _Greatest Hits Remixed_

"Happy Birthday" Bernadette Carroll _Touch The Wall Of Sound, Vol. 3_
"Special Birthday Person" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever..._
"Happy Happy Birthday To Me" Colin Clary _One Hundred Decembers_
"The Birthday" Hospitality _Hospitality_
"Can You Keep A Secret?" Lotus Eaters _No Sense Of Sin_

Whither Magda's Birthday 2012?

Let's get the important stuff out of the way: there is a woman named Magda, whom I married (although it might be more appropriate to say she allowed me to marry her) & with whom I fell madly in love with over a decade ago.  Such is my clumsy attempt at showing my love to her that I do a birthday show for her every year.  I play songs about birthdays.  If I played songs about her, I might get in a little trouble.  I play it safe by celebrating all birthdays by virtue of the fact that it's the birthday of the love of my life.

That's all well & good. Here's what I want to say: it's getting harder & harder to find good birthday songs.

I'm serious.

Well, I hear someone who doesn't know me very well say, why not just play the best birthday songs every year?

I know that's the modus operandi of your average radio show.  Tune in on Halloween, they play "Monster Mash."  Most radio listeners want to hear things they find familiar, which is why there's a lot of money in classic rock & "jammin' oldies."

I believe that one of the main reasons that not too many people listen to my show is because I don't play the same stuff over & over.  That used to bother me.  It doesn't really any more.  Without listeners, I am free to play what I like.  & what I like is not to play the same stuff over & over.

If that's the case, & if I am to continue to celebrate my love's birthday every year with wonderful birthday songs, can I please ask the musicians of the world: can you make more & better birthday songs in 2013?  If every band I loved just made one really great birthday song, I'd be set through 2020.  & let's be honest - by 2020, she's probably going to realize she made a mistake by marrying me & I can celebrate the divorce date with songs about broken hearts.

There's a lot of those.

Hey!  Come celebrate Magda's birthday with me tomorrow morning from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington &/or online at WRFL.fm!

I'll archive it as a birthday present for her - & you! - at the Self Help Radio website before her birthday.  Promise!

Preface To... Wait A Minute! Did I Make A Scheduling Error?

Oh no!

Every year for a long time - since 2004, when the show was barely two years old - I've been celebrating my beloved's birthday with songs about birthdays.  Her birthday is on December 1st, but for some reason this year I scheduled her birthday show on December 3rd.

(My show will obviously not fall on her birthday, since it'll be a Saturday.)

Here's the problem: like with holidays, if you can't celebrate them on the day, it's much much better to celebrate them before than after.  Who the hell wants to open up Christmas presents on December 28th?

I made a ridiculous mistake by scheduling my sweetheart's birthday show two days after her birthday.  So I will do a birthday show for her this Monday.

The list of upcoming shows has been officially swapped out on the official website, which I suppose makes it official.

The worry show will happen next week, don't worry!

But This Is What I Have To Say About Airports

I am a little depressed that I've reached an age where I go to airports instead of bus stations.  From the age of 18 until 25, when (at the time) you could legally rent a car, I rode buses back & forth all across Texas.  Mostly these bus rides were uninteresting, but I did have some minor adventures.  I met a sad divorcee running from her husband on a bus ride from Laredo to Austin, who might have wanted to kiss me if I had shown any interest.  I watched a crazy person get kicked off a bus somewhere near Temple - after the bus driver took pity on the person, who was hitchhiking, & let him get on the bus for free.  (The bus driver didn't know he was also welcoming this oaf's bottle of cheap hooch.)   Outside the big bus terminal in Dallas, I was either mistaken for a narc - or almost set up for an arrest - by a fellow who dropped a bag of pot in front of me as I passed.  Needless to say, I did not pick up the bag on the ground.  I started to say something like, "Hey! You dropped something!" but quickly realized the situation was hinky & walked on.

Airports used to be fun.  It was fun to meet a loved one at the gate.  I knew some people who'd go to airports after hours to shoot dumb drunk movies.   Airports lost their shit over ten years ago but I remember going to the bar to sit & wait for someone.  Now it's all baggage claim.  Everyone gathered at baggage claim.  Often at the bottom of an escalator.  It's stupid & unromantic.

More than that, I just don't like airports.  I am more comfortable with vending machines than I am with franchise restaurants.  I like that you can survey an entire bus terminal (well, at least in the South) with a glance; an airport occupies huge acreage.  & let's face it - you feel safer in a bus terminal.  Except for that one movie - jeez, was Denzel Washington in it? what is the name of that film? - no one's really thinking about blowing up buses.  No one.

(I just did a google search.  It's a Don Cheadle film, actually, called "Traitor."  It's not bad.  Sorry for the mix-up.)

Planes are somewhat more convenient than buses, it's true.  A trip from Lexington to Dallas takes 19 hours (!) & costs nearly two hundred bucks.  The same trip costs twice as much - & has an annoying connection in some random city, often in the opposite direction where you're heading - but takes six or seven hours.  That wins!

Even if it means spending downtime in airports.  Which are some of the saddest, loneliest places on the planet.

Thansk!

I don't believe in anything supernatural to whom I could "give thanks" but I can say a brief "thank you" to anyone who has taken the time to sit & listen to my ridiculous little radio show.  I very much appreciate it, & wish I could somehow make it better, since you probably deserve better.

So thank YOU today.  I'm a little worried that you do listen - but I am glad you do.

Table For You

Yeah, I did a show about tables.  Is there anything else to say about that?

I didn't think so.

You can listen to it now at the the Self Help Radio website.  It's in two parts - like one of those tables you can add a middle part to to make it longer.  Part one is over on this side & part two is over on that side.  There is an invisible table below which says what's in each part.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Table" The Beautiful South _Quench_
"Table" Fuck _Those Are Not My Bongos_
"The Table" Sonny James _Young Love: The Complete Recordings 1952-62_

"You Turned The Tables On Me" Billie Holiday _Solitude_
"Tables Are Turning" Brenda Lee _Little Miss Dynamite_
"Turn The Table" Kleenex/Liliput _Kleenex/LiLiPUT 1978-1983_
"Tables Turning" Modern English _After The Snow_

"Coffee Table Song" Edwyn Collins _Hope & Despair_
"Diplomatic Dining Tables" Gloria Cycles _Campsite Discotheque_
"Card Table" Holly Golightly _Singles Round-Up_
"The Periodic Table" Death By Chocolate _Bric-a-Brac_
"Under The Table With Her" Sparks _Indiscreet_

(part two)

"Crumbs From The Table" Young Disciples _Eccentric Soul: The Young Disciples_
"Crumbs Off The Table" The Glass House _Inside The Glass House_
"Fight At The Table" Chris Bell _I Am The Cosmos_
"Knives On The Table" California Oranges _Souvenirs_
"You Take The Table" Miki & Griff _A Little Bitty Tear: The Pye Anthology_

"One Table Away" Toussaint McCall _Nothing Takes The Place Of You_
"Table For One (Live)" Darren Hayman & The Wave Pictures _Madrid_
"On The Table" A.C. Newman _The Slow Wonder_
"That Girl Who Waits On Tables" Ronnie Milsap _The Essential Ronnie Milsap_
"Hands Across The Table" Fats Domino _The Original Rock & Roll Classics_

"Knights Of The Round Table" Monty Python _Monty Python Sings_
"Tables & Chairs" Nits _Work_
"Table Top Joe" Tom Waits _Alice_
"Get To The Table On Time" M. Ward _Transfiguration Of Vincent_

Whither Tables?

My wife is a notorious cheapskate.  A skinflint.  A tightwad.  A penny pincher.  (She once called herself a spendthrift, thinking it was synonymous with "thrifty," but she's actually the opposite of that.)  Her cheapness is astonishing, & I have a lot of fun teasing her by pretending to want to buy expensive, ridiculous things, which - because she's miserly & that overpowers her sense of humor - tends to make her quite upset.  Just saying things like, "It's only five hundred dollars" causes her to break into spasms of fear & anger.

Unless - of course - it's something that she wants.  Like our house.  It was "worth the price."  I can sometimes agree with her on things like that.  Except.

Except our dining room table.

It cost a lot.  It cost a little too much.  We don't eat off it, except when we have guests.  We have guests maybe every other month.  I put things on it that I can't put on my desk.  I think it annoys my wife.  But what can she do?  We're not otherwise using the table.

I dedicate tomorrow's show, about tables, to my wife's expensive table.  The show is on from 7 to 9 am tomorrow morning, Monday, on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online at WRFL dot fm.

When I come home, I put the recording of the show on that table.  Sometimes it gets buried under stuff. I'll put it on the Self Help Radio website as soon as possible - otherwise it may get buried!

Preface To Tables: My Favorite Table

It's this one:

Toothless

Like everyone else, I've dreamt of losing my teeth, though not anywhere near as horrifying as Charlie just pulling his teeth out quizzically in It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  I at least feel justified in worrying about my teeth just falling out because I have terrible teeth.  I have managed to salvage most of mine (I have only had to have one pulled) which is so incredibly fortunate since I'm pretty sure I didn't see a dentist before I was twenty-two years old.  (My mother had other priorities.)

It's hard to find data about people dreaming of losing their teeth but it's not hard to find out what that's supposed to mean.  Humans really need to have their dreams mean something, which is part & parcel of the hubris of our species, & the web insists that losing teeth means either "embarrassment" or "losing faith."  Not only are those two things completely unrelated, I should think it's not at all embarrassing to "lose faith."

(The Devil's Dictionary defines faith as "belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.")

It's far more easy to find figures about how many people no longer have teeth, & it's a little frightening: one quarter of adults in the United States over the age of 65 have lost all their teeth.  That's more terrifying to me than dreams of teeth falling out or, worse, being loose in my mouth, because it seems far more likely to happen to me.  Two decades is a long time to neglect one's teeth.

Luckily I am not a patient at the hella sarcastic Doon South Dental in Kitchener, Ontario, which has this hilarious article entitled How To Get Rid Of Your Teeth on their website.  It's a scream.

I won't sleep well tonight.

Another Recommendation? For reals?

I can't recommend this - I haven't heard it yet - but look what I have espied:

Toy Love!  Live At The Gluepot 1980!  Info here!

Holy jumpin jeebus on a rhinoceros horn!  That's the best news I've heard all week!

An Invisible Show

I bet you didn't see this show coming.  I personally couldn't see the point.  Still, the show listed some things you can't see & some super-heroes who can turn invisible.  Also, an invisibility spell!  Really!  Plus many songs about being invisible - literally or metaphorically.

The show can be seen at the highly visible Self Help Radio website.  If you'd rather not be seen there, you can download the show (it's in two parts) by clicking here for part one & here for part two.  Can't see what's in both parts?  That's because it's at the end of this blog post!

Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Invisible" Lenny Miles _The Best Doo-Wop Of Scepter Records_
"Invisible" Poprace _Clear EP_
"Invisible" The Forever People _Invisible_

"Invisible Man" Holger Czukay _Good Morning Story_
"Invisible Man" Breeders _Last Splash_
"The Invisible Man" Elvis Costello _Punch The Clock_
"An Invisible Man" Nick Todd _Pat Boone's Little Brother - Rockin' Classics_
"The Invisible Man" Milky _Travels With A Donkey_

"The Invisible Man & The Unforgettable Girl" Bill Nelson _Blue Moons & Laughing Guitars_
"Invisible Girl" The King Khan & BBQ Show _Invisible Girl_
"The Invisible Girl" Fonda _Moshi-Moshi: Pop International Style_
"The Invisible Dog" Electrelane _Rock It To The Moon_

(part two)

"To Be Invisible" Curtis Mayfield _Sweet Exorcist_
"Spell One - The Invisibility Cloak" Plusquam Workshop _Workshop - Teen Witch_
"My Invisible Friend" The Bartlebees _What Is It All About?_
"Invisible People" Hamilton Streetcar _Highs In The Mid-Sixties, Vol. 3: L.A. '67, Mondo Hollywood À Go-Go_
"Dodging Invisible Rays" Guided By Voices _Demons & Painkillers_

"Invisible Tears" Ned Miller _From A Jack To A King_
"Invisible One" Tanya Donelly _This Hungry Life_
"She's Invisible Now" Eurthymics _In The Garden_
"Invisible Sun" The Police _Ghost In The Machine_

"Uptown Invisible" Moose _Uptown_
"Invisible Ink" Sweet William _Ambiguous_
"Invisible State" Bill Pritchard _3 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days_

Whither The Invisible Show?

You might enjoy this fellow, John Lloyd, as he does a TED talk on inventorying the invisible.  It will get you in the mood for tomorrow's show.

Tomorrow's show will be invisible, as all radio shows are, but you can hear it - it's noisy as hell - by listening in Lexington at the 88.1 fm frequency.  It will also find its way into the internets & you can listen online at the WRFL web page.  Why, it will probably even end up eventually on the Self Help Radio web site, which is visible to the untrained eye.

I sometimes believe I am only visible when I'm on the radio - you know, when no one can see me.