The Taxi Chronicles Saga Murder Mystery

(I have no idea where I found this, sorry.)

You don't listen to the Dickenbock Report, the show I do on Freeform Portland.  Heck, you probably don't even listen to Self Help Radio!  Oh god I bet you're not even reading this right now.  Fuck.

No matter, I'll write as though someone is reading.

This relates to this past Thursday's episode of The Dickenbock Report.  As I am sometimes wont to do, I revisited an old theme - with modifications - from an old episode of Self Help Radio for the Dickenbock Report.  Usually it's because there's a certain day - like International Thumb Day or whatever - & I'd already done a show about it before.  I don't do the shows verbatim - I always find new songs, I write new copy, I fit it into the schtick of the Report.  But it's been handy to have nearly twenty years of radio shows under my belt to be able to return to when I need them.

This past Thursday was Cinco De Mayo & also Astronaut Day.  I don't feel like I have enough knowledge of the music of Mexico to make a proper Cinco De Mayo show, & it turns out I have not only done a show about astronauts on Self Help Radio (in March of 2011) but I also did a show about astronauts for the Dickenbock Report (two years ago, when the show was on KBOO).  It was also Password Day but I couldn't find enough songs to fit that theme.  & as I was falling asleep I thought about a show that I made about fourteen years ago about taxis.

In the spring of 2008, my girlfriend (soon to be my wife) accepted a post-doc in North Carolina.  I left my show on KOOP in May of that year, but she decided not to take the North Carolina gig, so we stayed in Austin.  For a year - until we moved to West Virginia in 2009 & I started on WMUL - I did Self Help Radio as a podcast.  Virtually no one listened to that show.  But I still tried to have fun with it.

In July of that year, I wrote a dumb radio play & my friends Justin & Camille came over (Justin had done a show at KOOP; I met Camille through my show) read it with me.  The podcast was released & it was different from my regular shows - it was just the play (called The Taxi Chronicles Saga Murder Mystery) performed by us, with taxi songs all around.  No airbreaks, no back-announcing, just the play.  It never aired, & I suspect no one listened to the podcast.  I mostly forgot about it.  Until I thought about it for this week's Dickenbock Report.

So listened to it & was amused by this dumb play I wrote that I have utterly no memory of writing.  I have uploaded the show (I'll update the web site after the next SHR episode) & you can listen to it by clicking here.  If you click that link, it'll ask you for a username, which is SHR, & a password, which is selfhelp.  But you can listen to the show that way.

The radio play is introduced by me & occupies four airbreaks.  It's not well recorded, & I didn't save the isolated vocal tracks, so the music beds are from 2008.  But I think Justin & Camille did a stellar job & I actually laughed at some of it.  So I thought I would share it.

It's a bit long but below is the text of all four scenes of The Taxi Chronicles Saga Murder Mystery.  I want to reiterate that it's quite dumb & also there's no real mystery or resolution.  It might be more fun to listen to it.  But here's the text for you to enjoy & who knows, maybe some high school troupe can put it on in some dystopian future no one wants to live in.

But I'm a bit amazed I wrote the damn thing & have zero memory of it.  It was a dumb but nice surprise

-----

THE TAXI CHRONICLES SAGA MURDER MYSTERY
by Dick Dickenbock

SCENE I

A large metropolitan taxicab company.  Afternoon.  There are a couple of cars
around, with a fellow asleep beneath one & other employees reading the paper,
playing cards, filling out paperwork, things like that.  In the center of the
stage, two middle-aged cabbies lean on the filthy yellow cab under which the
mechanic sleeps & drink coffee the consistency of sludge out of chipped &
graying styrofoam cups.  The first cabbie, ARCHIBALD, is tall, gaunt, slightly
jaundiced, losing his red hair up on top but still boyish.  The other cabbie,
REGINALD, is shorter & younger but healthier looking, except when he smiles to
reveal teeth yellowed by years of smoking & coffee-drinking.  His dark hair
matches his tan skin, &, unlike his friend, he looks like he has enough self-
respect to get out of bed every morning & shower & shave.  The play begins
mid-conversation.

REGI: So I says to her, Lady, we don't take money from Canada.
ARCH: Jesus.
REGI: I know, right?  & she looks like another rich American!
ARCH: That's the trouble with this country, Reg.
REGI: We look alike?
ARCH: Naw, we can't tell THEM from US.
REGI: Which one of them is them?
ARCH: Them is them.
REGI: & we is us?
ARCH: Now you're speaking English like a king.

REGINALD lights a cigarette & shares it with ARCHIBALD. A weedy fellow named
DILTON comes by & they all grunt hello.  DILTON walks slowly past then seems to
remember something, & turns around.

DILT: Hey guys I think Waldo's looking for you.
ARCH: Thanks Dilton.
REGI: (under his breath) Yeah, go leap off a short pier!

DILTON stands for a second then wanders off.

ARCH: Whaddaya gotta insult the little guy for?
REGI: Aw, that guy's not right.
ARCH: What, because he likes boys?
REGI: Hey, don't make me out to be no homophobe!  I even experimented a little
bit when I was in the Junior League.
ARCH: I know, stupid, it was with me.
REGI: Oh yeah.
ARCH: Then what's your beef with the freak?
REGI: I just don't like the way he stops & looks at ya before he talks to ya.
ARCH: Like he don't know ya.
REGI: Or he don't remember ya.
ARCH: That is weird.
REGI: What did he say about Waldo?  Oh sudoko! here he comes.

WALDO enters, a pear-shaped man of sixty-five with no hair on his pink pointy
head except at the very top, & that pasted down with some kind of hair cream.
He wears a shabby three-piece suit that's too tight for him, & that looks like it
hasn't been cleaned & pressed since it was bought - in the seventies.  He holds
a clipboard in his puffy fat hands & looks over his glasses at ARCHIBALD & REGINALD.

WALD: Aha, there you boys are!
ARCH: What up boss.
REGI: Good morning, Waldo.
WALD: Boys, you know you're my two best drivers.
ARCH: You're giving us a big head.
REGI: Speak for yourself!
ARCH: I mean, he's flattering us.
REGI: Oh I thought you meant he gave us a chubby.
ARCH: I know what you thought you nitwit.
WALD: Boys, I enjoy your Abbott & Costello routine as much as the next man, but
right now I need your skills as taxi drivers.
ARCH: Whatever you say boss.
REGI: Though we did just finish our shifts.
ARCH: What the hell else you got to do?
REGI: I got spinning class at 12:30!
WALD: Two very special women are coming into town & I need you to escort them to
my hotel room at the Plaza.
ARCH: Who are these women?
WALD: Is that any of your business?
REGI: He don't want Geraldine to know!
ARCH: You sly dog.
REGI: You silver fox.
ARCH: You sneaky devil.
REGI: You profitable candle maker.
ARCH: What the hell?
WALD: Can I count on you boys?
ARCH: Just tell us where to drive.
WALD: I can't thank you more.  Anything you want, let me know.
REGI: Sloppy seconds?

[Curtain]

SCENE II

A taxi stuck in traffic.  ARCHIBALD is smoking & looking lazily ahead.  In the
backseat is VERONICA, an anorexic brunette with a turned-up nose & slightly
blemished skin which she shows off anyway, in a tube top, held up by her large
breasts which are obviously fake.  She seems impatient but ARCHIBALD knows she's
jonesing for a fix.  She fidgets, looks through her leopard-skin purse, touches
up her make-up, then leans forward to talk to ARCHIBALD.

RONI: Can'tcha drive any faster?
ARCH: It's rush hour, sorry.
RONI: Rush hour?  It's ten a.m.!
ARCH: That's what it's like in [insert name of your town, this always gets a big
laugh]
RONI: Well I don't like it here.
ARCH: Who does?
RONI: Say, you're a funny little carrot head.  Did you say Waldo sent you?
ARCH: Yeah, he says you're his lunch.
RONI: What?
ARCH: Lunch date, you're his lunch date.
RONI: You must think it's funny, me dating a man so much older than me.
ARCH: It's not so funny if you're a prostitute.
RONI: Yeah, but prostitutes don't date.
ARCH: They don't call it a date?
RONI: Naw, it's a job.
ARCH: I could've sworn I've heard a prostitute call her time with a john a date.
RONI: What, on TV?
ARCH: Or from personal experience.  I ain't proud.
RONI: I'm pretty sure it's referred to as a job.  Like, prostitutes will say,
I'm on the job.
ARCH: What if a prostitute dates someone & doesn't charge any money for it.
RONI: Why would she do that?
ARCH: You ain't never dated someone without charging them money?
RONI: I ain't a prostitute!
ARCH: Oh, my mistake.
RONI: Of all the gall & nerve & spleen & cheddar!

VERONICA pushes herself back into her seat, crossing her arms, fuming.  ARCHIBALD
lights another cigarette & picks his nose.  It takes only a short time for VERONICA
to start fidgeting again, & she eventually finds her way back to leaning into the
front of the cab.

RONI: Don't let's fight.
ARCH: I ain't fighting.
RONI: I think that's grand, having a civilized conversation with a working man.
ARCH: If you say so.
RONI: Say!  What bug flew into your iced tea & laid eggs?
ARCH: Did Reggie tell you about that?  It was Nepa cinerea, actually, it was a
cup of room-temperature tea I was drinking when I visited London three years ago.
RONI: No, no, that's weird, I meant, what did I say to make you hate me so?
ARCH: I don't hate you lady.  You're just a fare to me, that's all.  Y'see, a
cabbie is like a doctor or a orthodontist or a swimmer - we can't get emotionally
involved in the people we help.  In my eighteen years of driving a cab, I've
never driven the same person twice.
RONI: Really?
ARCH: Or I pretended I didn't know them.
RONI: Gee, that sounds awful lonely.
ARCH: It's true, a cabbie is the lonesomest man on the face of God's Green Earth.
The lonesomest closet pagophobic at Esperanza Base ain't no more lonesomer than
the busiest cabbie on the busiest streets of the busiest city in the busiest world.
RONI: What's Pagophobia?
ARCH: Fear of ice.
RONI: Gee, you're smart.
ARCH: It ain't smarts that's getting you from the airport to the Plaza Hotel.  It's
a lifetime of learning about a town & its streets & its people & how to get from
one place to another without getting lost.
RONI: Gee, ain't you the taxicab philosopher.
ARCH: Traffic's getting worse.  It looks like there was an accident up there.
RONI: Oh!  Let me out!  I wanna go look for jewelry & body parts before the cops
come!

REGINALD comes running in - he's cut up, bleeding, blackened from an explosion, &
his clothes are all torn.  He sees ARCHIBALD's cab.

REGI: Arch!  Arch!  Jesus, you gotta come quick!
ARCH: Christ, Reggie, you told me you was done with the meth.
REGI: No, it ain't that, Arch.  I'm back on it.  But that's not what caused this
mess!  No, we was chased!
ARCH: Chased?  In this traffic?
REGI: I got lost.
ARCH: Who chased ya?
REGI: My fare said it was her pimp!
RONI: Forsythe?

[ARCHIBALD & REGINALD turn to look at VERONICA.]

RONI: I ain't no prostitute!
ARCH: Aw, so he wrecked your cab, Reggie?  You just got the smell out from when
those rats were nesting in there.
REGI: Not only that, Arch.  He... He... He killed the other whore.  The one in my cab!
RONI: Elizabeth!

[Curtain]

SCENE III

A taxi driving merrily along the road.  REGINALD is constantly looking into the
rear view mirror hoping ELIZABETH will chat with him.  She's a carbon-copy of
VERONICA, although a blonde.  It would be fine to get the same actress to play
her.  What do I care?  I'm just writing this for my sophomore English class.
Soon enough ELIZABETH looks up & notices where they're driving.

BETT: Excuse me?
REGI: Yes miss?
BETT: This don't appear to be the way to the Plaza.
REGI: I know a short cut.
BETT: Correct me if I am wrong but ain't the airport to the east of town.
REGI: I ain't so good with directions.
BETT: As you can see we just crossed county lines.
REGI: I'll need to add on county taxes to your fare, then.
BETT: I don't care nothin' about that because Waldo will pay for everything.
What I mean is, we ain't goin' the right way.
REGI: May I ask you something miss?
BETT: Well you can ask.
REGI: Which of us here is the taxi driver?
BETT: Only one of us is behind the wheel but I ain't sure if there's a taxi
driver amongst us.
REGI: Ha ha, you're a funny one.
BETT: Can you just humor me & turn the hell around.  I know where the Plaza is.
I grew up around here.
REGI: You're the boss.
BETT: Thank you.
REGL: & his whore.
BETT: Excuse me?

[sounds of a vehicle making a u-turn a high speed; REGINALD & ELIZABETH lean
into the turn]

REGI: So what do you like to do?
BETT: I'd prefer to get to the hotel in one piece mostly.
REGI: Ha ha!  Do you like to read?
BETT: Read?  Read what?
REGI: I like me them Left Behind books.
BETT: What happens in those books?
REGI: Well, uh.  Things get, things get left behind.
BETT: Like no child?
REGI: What?
BETT: Like no child left behind.
REGI: I knew you was a reader.
BETT: [under her breath] I knew you was an idiot.
REGI: [he didn't hear] That's strange.
BETT: What's strange?
REGI: There's a white van been following us & it made a huey when we did.
BETT: White van?  Did you see any writing on it?
REGI: Sure, it said "Registed Sex Offender" on the side.  It says the same
backwards on the front like an ambulance so's we can read it in the mirror.
BETT: Forsythe!
REGI: It's Reginald!
BETT: No, it's our pimp, Forsythe.  We told him we was going down to the store
to play video games & show the teenagers our naughty bits for quarters but he
musta followed us to the airport!
REGI: He flew here than rented a registered sex offender van?
BETT: He's got to.  It was part of his deal with the United Nations.  Can't you
step on it?
REGI: Baby, this little cab was built for speed.

[Noise of revving, & REGINALD & ELIZABETH fall back in the seats to simulate
sudden speed.]

REGI: [yelling over the noise] It was also built for comfort, & it's got a roomy
trunk which can hold the luggage of a large family & also a pet container if you're
that kind of person.
BETT: [yelling too] Is he still following us?
REGI: I'll get onto the highway.  He'll never think of following us there.
BETT: This is the only exit until the airport!

[Seconds after this the two of them mime the car coming to screeching halt.]

REGI: Crap, I forgot it was rush hour.
BETT: Did he follow us?
REGI: Naw, honey.  Listen, we've blended in with the crowd.  There's all kinds
of cars on this road.  There's SUVs, pick-up trucks, them new hybrids which is
part car & part something else, there's motorcycles & motorhomes & muscle cars
& tractor trailers & sedans & beat-up cars leaking oil - there's hundreds up
here.  How could he find us among all of this?
BETT: Because we're a yellow cab?

At this moment, a slim, needle-nosed figure wearing what looks like a crown but
otherwise clad all in black slips around the back of the cab, sticks a gun with
a silencer in the window, & shoots ELIZABETH dead.  REGINALD doesn't seem to
notice.

REGI: That's the beauty of being a cabbie.  You're both invisible & highly
visible.  & that's because people only see us if they wanna see us.  Or if
we cut them off.  That always gets them cranky.  But if you don't need a cab,
you can't find a cab.  Course, some people would say that you can't find a cab
when you need one, but I've found just the opposite.  Course, I'm always in a cab
so except for the time my cab got stolen by the Symbionese Liberation Army when
I forgot to return a movie on time, I always know where my cab is, it's with me,
I'm in it.  That's the beauty of being in a cab & wanting to hail a cab, because
it hardly ever happens that you have the same feeling at the same time.

As REGINALD starts talking, FORSYTHE starts to slip away, but as he listens to
REGINALD, he gets increasingly disgusted & starts firing into the car's gas tank.
As the curtain goes down, there is the sound of an explosion.

[Curtain]

SCENE IV

A police station.  ARCHIBALD & REGINALD look the same as in the previous two
scenes, sitting at a table, shaken, dazed, with two cups of coffee in chipped &
graying styrofoam cups in front of them.  Across the table is DETECTIVE MOOSE
MASON, a giant, blonde man who looks like a high school football player who's grown
up without getting paunchy or flabby.  He's looking at what appears to be
evidence bags.  DETECTIVE MIDGE KLUMP, a petite, short-haired woman who's slightly
mannish but still pretty, brings DETECTIVE MASON something & whispers into his
ear.  As she leaves, he gives her a pat on the rear.  He turns to the boys.

MOOS: All right, fellas.  Let me hear your story again.
ARCH: We went to pick up these dames.
REGI: Women of the night.
ARCH: Only it was day.
REGI: Women of the day.
ARCH: I think you got the euphemism right, I was just pointing out...
MOOS: We know when the murders happened, fellas.  We ain't thick.  I just wanna
hear the story.
ARCH: So I'm at the airport & I pick up this woman who wants to go to the Plaza
Hotel.
REGI: & I'm the line behind him so I pick up the next lady who, wouldn't you
know it, wants to go to the Plaza Hotel.
MOOS: These ladies was traveling together, you know that?
ARCH: No, one was in my cab, the other was in Reggie's.
REGI: They was traveling with us.
ARCH: Don't say that.
REGI: Why?
ARCH: It's like we're implicated in the co-conspiracy or something.
REGI: How can I be implicated if I don't know what that word means?
MOOS: Fellas.  I meant the girls came together to the airport & flew together.
ARCH: Oh.
MOOS: So why take two taxis?  Especially if they're going to the same place?
ARCH: It might be because my cab smells.
REGI: It does, like Double Stuff Oreos.
ARCH: & not in the good way.
MOOS: So your passenger had no problem with that?
ARCH: No, she told me she had her nostrils removed after the war.
MOOS: What war?
ARCH: I can't keep count.
MOOS: [sighs] So they're going to the Plaza.  Did they tell you who they were
seeing at the Plaza?
ARCH: Someone we don't know.
REGI: Certainly not someone we work for.
ARCH: That'd be impossible.
MOOS: Both of them had reserved the same room as a Waldo Weatherby, did you
know that?
ARCH: How would we know that?
REGI: Waldo's last name is Weatherby?
ARCH: Cheese it, you spelunker!
MOOS: So you know they were visiting with your boss.
ARCH: To be fair, he ain't really our boss.
REGI: Yeah, he's in accounts receivable, & we work with the social side of the
service.
ARCH: We're the people people.
REGI: He don't ever see people.  We never see him.
MOOS: So listen to this: two women who flew together into town but took different
taxis to the same place, to the same room where the person waiting for them was
a co-worker of yours, these two women were chased by someone who killed them
both within minutes.  You're telling me that ain't hinky to you?
REGI: It might make a good play.
ARCH: Or a comic book.
MOOS: You boys are in a world of excrement, you know that?

The door opens.  DETECTIVE KLUMP is trying to stop them, but WALDO comes in with
DILTON, who's carrying a briefcase.

MIDG: Sorry, Mason, I couldn't keep them out.
DILT: You can't hold them, Detective Mason & you know it.
MOOS: Counseler, do you get paid by the murder these days?  Cause it looks like
business is good.
DILT: Are you charging them with something?  Because I am their lawyer.
REGI: Dilton is a lawyer?
ARCH: Now I know what I didn't like about him.
REGI: Yeah.
MOOS: I think they were just patsies - for this man.  [pointing at WALDO]  Weatherby,
one of these days you're going to make the teensiest of mistakes.  & then I'll
get you.
WALD: Really, Detective.  I'm just a junior executive in accounts receivable at
a metropolitan taxicab concern.  Why would someone like me be involved in murder?
MOOS: One day your wife's going to find out about your indiscretions & then it's
behind bars for a life of spank the bandicoot for you!
REGI: What does that mean?
ARCH: I think it's Australian.
WALD: Come on boys, you've been through quite an ordeal.  Let me buy you a soda.

DILTON makes a face at the Detective as they go out.  DETECTIVE KLUMP puts her
arm around DETECTIVE MASON & he slumps ever so slightly.  He then pushes her
away.

MOOS: He's right, Midge.  Why would someone like him be involved in a murder?  I
mean, he smells bad & he dresses himself like a mentally challenged blind man &
he has the personality of a dirty dishrag in a swamp breeding mosquitos & his
deadened eyes make my skin crawl in a way that I usually reserve for presidential
press conferences, & yeah, he cheats on his rich wife, but why would he want
those hookers dead?
MIDG: You didn't see the report yet, did you, babe?  They were both pregnant!
MOOS: Pregnant?  [He gets a look of absolute rage in his face.]  Weatherby!

As he screams the name, the curtain falls.

THE END

Honey In The Movies

(image from the IMDb)

Self Help Radio continued celebrating themes associated with KBOO's Spring Membership Drive - we are calling it "the hive drive," & you can actually get a limited edition shirt with a bee on it by donating! - by presenting an entire show about honey.  There were honeybee songs in it too!  If you haven't listened already, you can do so at both the Self Help Radio website or at the KBOO Self Help Radio page.

On that show, you'll hear our resident cinephile Chuck talk about movies featuring honey.  Now's the time where we share with you links about the films & shorts he discussed on the show:

Here is the IMDb keyword list Chuck used to find films tagged with "honey."  For this particular segment, he also searched for films with "honey" in the title.

Here is his YouTube playlist of films featuring honey.
Here is the IMDb list of some films available for free elsewhere.

Chuck uses Letterboxd to review the films he watches (that link is specifically to the 'honey' films) & you can keep up with what he's watching in real time if you & we always encourage you to follow him on Twitter.

Chuck will be back in I think three weeks as we discuss films about flowers!  Please help KBOO out during our Spring Membership Drive!  We're as sweet as honey & we never ever spoil.

Self Help Radio 050322: Honey

(original image here*)

Continuing with the theme of the 2022 KBOO Spring Membership Drive - it's a "hive drive," you see - Self Help Radio presents a show about honey.  As discussed yesterday, it's really mostly about honey - either literally or figuratively - & not the word as a name or term of endearment.  Also there are honeybee songs.  But not songs about honeysuckle or honeydew melons.  There are really an awful lot of songs about things called "honey."  I could almost certainly do a couple more shows if I allowed all kinds of honey.

But that isn't something I did.  I talked about the stuff the bees ralph up.  I talked to people about honey.  I even told you about how vegans argue about honey.  Three hours of honey.  & I for one hope the show was sweet enough for you to help KBOO out.  Like honey, KBOO never spoils.

You can listen now or anytime at either the show's KBOO page or at the show's web page proper.  Should you visit selfhelpradio.net, remember you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp).  Everything that happens on the show is noted below.

Thank you, honey.

Self Help Radio Honey Show
"A Taste Of Honey" Lenny Welch _Since I Fell For You_
"The Honey Industry" Rabbit In Red _Sweet Sweet Casio_
"Honey & Fire" Hawthorn _Maggie Willow_

introduction

"Honey Bee Blues" Bumble Bee Slim _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Volume 2 (1928-1932)_
"Honey Bee" Bobby "Blue" Bland _I Pity The Fool: The Duke Recordings, Vol. 1_
"Taster Of The Honey (Not The Keeper Of The Bee)" The Jones Girls _The Music Merchant Story_
"Like A Honey Bee (Honey Bee)" The Carousel _Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz_
"See Sea, Bee, & Me" Guitar _Sunkissed_

interview with Mr Honey

"Just Like Honey" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Psychocandy_
"White Honey" Graham Parker _Howlin' Wind_
"Tupelo Honey" Cassandra Wilson _Blue Light 'Til Dawn_
"A Taste For Honey" The Lilac Time _Astronauts_
"Honey" Ohio Players _Honey_

interview with honeytronica musician Oscar Maize

"I'll Be The Bee" Ruth & Al _Crescent City Soul: The Sound Of New Orleans 1947-1974_
"Honey Bee" Johnny Johnson & The Bandwagon _The Golden Torch Story (A Collection Of 18 Classic Northern Soul Shakers)_
"Honeybee" Girlfrendo _One_
"Honey Bee" The Equals _Greatest Hits_
"Honeybee" Coves _Soft Friday_

Chuck stops by to talk about honey movies

"Honeycomb" Jimmie F. Rodgers _Country USA 1957_
"Living On Honeycomb" Everything But The Girl _82-92 Essence & Rare_
"Honeycomb" Helium _The Dirt Of Luck_
"Honeycomb" Frank Black _Honeycomb_
"Honeychain" Throwing Muses _The Real Ramona_

a classic conversation about bees with Alyssa & Jason

"Honey In The Bee Ball" Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five _Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five_
"Honey Bee" Jon & Robin _Elastic Event_
"Geraldine & The Honeybee" Willis Alan Ramsey _Willis Alan Ramsey_
"Honey Bee" Mountain Man _Made The Harbor_
"Bee To Honey" Tall Dwarfs _3 EPs_
"Andy Warhol & The Honey Bees" Walker Kong _Deliver Us From People_

definitions/vegans v. honey

"Milk & Honey" Dennis Brown _Visions Of Dennis Brown_
"Milk & Honey" The Monochrome Set _Misère_
"Milk & Honey" Clinic _Bubblegum_
"Honey & Smoke" Case/Lang/Veirs _Case/Lang/Veirs_
"Razorblades & Honey" BMX Bandits _Forever_
"Honey In The Sun" Camera Obscura _My Maudlin Career_

conclusion & goodbye

"Honey Power" My Bloody Valentine _Tremolo E.P._
"Honey For The Bears" Television Personalities _Closer To God_

*"Honey" by quisnovus is marked with CC BY-NC 2.0.

Whither Honey?

(image from here.)

At first thought, a show about honey seems daunting.  After all, how many songs are there that mention "honey" in the affectionate way one addresses a lover, loved one, or prospective love?  Too many.  So many that I have decided not to include those songs today.  No songs about that kind of honey or people named Honey unless they follow up with imagery about bees or honeycombs or actual honey.  That's an arbitrary rule I've made up to keep myself sane & not require me to listen to four times the number of songs I actually had to listen to.

As for the reason I'm doing the show - it's to help our KBOO during our Spring Membership Drive. Bees are the theme - it's a "hive drive" - & I've done a show about bees.  It seems natural to segue to honey.  & tonight I shall.

PS I saved some songs about honeybees too for tonight's show!

Midnight to 3am.  On 90.7fm & kboo.fm.  Hope you'll bee there, honey!

Preface To Honey: Vegans & Honey

(image from here)

This week's show will be about honey (& also bee about honey) & I know what you're thinking - hey! didn't you do a show about bees two weeks ago?  That's true, & indeed there will be honeybee songs in this week's show because I deliberately left them out of last week's show.  Anyway, if you don't already know about why I'm continuing with the bee theme, check back tomorrow - I'll mention it again.

What I wanted to talk about today I can preface with two jokes.  One goes like this:

Q: If you're at a party, how will you know when the vegan, the Mormon, & the crossfitter show up?
A: They'll tell you.

There are other variations of the joke, depending on which group of people you dislike or feel like you think is self-important enough to warrant their inclusion.  But the point is, these awful people always want to talk about how great they are because of their beliefs/health/whatever.

Actually, I made up a joke that depends on knowledge of this joke to work.  It goes like this:

A vegan, a crossfitter, & a Mormon are at a party.  An astronaut enters & they all look at each other & say, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck."

In this version of the joke, the astronaut is somehow just as awful as the others.  But it could be any self-important professional or hobby or habit you know.

Before this joke began circulating, I myself had already stopped telling people I was vegan unless it somehow came up.  I have no interest in proselytizing & I don't enjoy it when people get defensive about their own eating choices.  I remember having a conversation with a fellow vegan & someone overheard & said, "I just can't do it."  I said, "No one's asking you to be a vegan.  We're just talking."  He kept shaking his head & said, "I can't do it.  I just couldn't do it."

Some vegans find my decidedly unstrident attitude deplorable, as they believe it's important to be vegan to save life on this planet - & the planet itself - & they feel the need to "spread the word."  I am certain I'd enjoy the planet more if everyone on it were vegan but I don't believe you can really change hearts & minds & customs & habits in this way. Anyway, it would probably also upset these people that I myself don't have strong feelings about eating honey.

There are many reasons for it, & it truly doesn't affect me much as I very rarely eat honey.  When I do, I don't eat commercially produced honey, most of which doesn't have actual honey in it.  If we have honey in the house, it's probably from a local beekeeper, bought at a farmer's market.  Do we have any honey in the house?  I'll check.  [A little time passes.] We actually don't.

More than that, though, I just can't be upset about honey because it comes from bugs.  Don't get me wrong: I understand the value that bees have on this planet.  But I can't get upset about bugs in the same way I might about pigs or cows.  This may be a character flaw.  I became a vegan because I felt it was unethical to kill animals to eat them.  But I wasn't thinking about bugs; I will kill a bug if it's in my vicinity.  A Jain I ain't.

One nightmare scenario health-wise would be discovering that I needed some nutrient that was only available from animal products.  I might suffer if it were to come from mammals or fish.  But if I could get it from, say, crickets?  Problem solved, in my mind.  (They'd have to disguise the cricket somehow, though.  I find all bugs a bit terrifying & I couldn't just pop one in my mouth!)

It's not that I'm worried a radio show about honey will upset vegan listeners.  I don't even know if I have listeners at all!  Plus, I've done shows about other non-vegan things - like butchers - I don't think I'm necessarily celebrating or endorsing something just because I'm doing a show about it.  I just thought I should mention that although I'm a vegan, I don't ultimately think there's anything ethically wrong with eating honey.  It's just my opinion.  You get to make that decision for yourself.

Silk doesn't bother me much either.  They're worms!

Two Unrelated Places In Fort Worth

Pictures I took on this day in 2018.

This one:

is the sign for a place I would ever eat, but if you check out their webpage, they've cleaned up their facade somewhat & removed the "tattoo" from under the sign.  The Goggle Maps page (taken this year) has the undersign read "now hiring," so maybe they rent out the space.  Anyway, I was mildly amused that a country cookin cafe might also offer tattoos.  Or perhaps it's a short story with a surprise ending that makes absolutely no sense.

This other one:

is a bit more of a puzzle.  I couldn't really remember where I took the picture.  I thought it might be in the section of Fort Worth called Como, but the address - 8000 - seemed far off, & I was right.

Then it occurred to me that it might be in the same area as the Country Cookin West Side Cafe, & I was right - it's literally around the corner.  It's called the Empowerment Life Cathedral & its Facebook page indicates it's still going strong.

As for me, I was just amused they had a sign that said "Ground Zero" above the entrance.  A brief web search shows that that use in ministries is not uncommon.  & according to Giggle Maps, it's still having services (at least as of last month):

There's both a limo & a hearse in that picture.  & that's fucking awesome.

Happy Boone Adoption Day!

On this day eight years ago, we found this little fellow on the streets of Lexington.  I wrote about that here.  The story had a happy ending.  He's traveled with us to Texas & now Portland.  He seems mostly happy.  & I have found him the sweetest cat I've ever known.  Glad to celebrate eight years with him today!

Self Help Radio 042622: Indiepop A To Z # 68

(all images from Discogs)

Here it is, installment number sixty-eight of the series I may not finish before I die!  But don't let anyone say I didn't try.  Popsicle to the Puddle - we didn't finish the letter P but we certainly will next time, which will be at the end of August.  & how many indiepop bands can there be that start with the letter Q?

You can listen to the show now & whenever the mood strikes (twee, fey, jangly) at both the show's KBOO page & also of course at the Self Help Radio web site.  If you choose the SHR site, remember you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp).  You can download it on that site but don't tell anyone.

All the songs I played are below.  It's also KBOO's Spring Membership Drive so I was asking for donations as well.  If you feel so inclined, if you'd like to support a show that plays indiepop in alphabetical order, you can do so right here.

Please enjoy.

Self Help Radio: Indiepop A To Z # 68

"Step Inside My Mind" Popsicle _Abstinence_

"Furball" Popundret _Popundret EP_

"Take Me To Paris" Port Friendly _Welcome To Port Friendly_

"Never Really Loved You Anyway" The Positions _Tonight_

"Afraid" Posse _Soft Opening_

"Weather Sensitive" Postal Blue _Weather Sensitive EP_

"Such Great Heights" The Postal Service _Give Up_

"My Lucky Charm" The Postmarks _Memoirs At The End Of The World_

"Matches" The Potting Sheds _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Volume 6_

"Isolation" Poundsign _Wavelength_

"Sister" Pow Wow! _You Are My Friend, My Foe..._

"Your Love Is Just A Four Letter Word" The Practical Householders _Comet LP Two_

"Bewitched" Pram _The Museum Of Imaginary Animals_

"Sister Goodbye" The Prayers _Souvenirs From Egg Records_

"Beauty Grows" Preacher Harry Powell _The Devil In The Priest-Hole_

"The King Of Rock'N'Roll" Prefab Sprout _From Langley Park To Memphis_

"The Streets Are Paved With Lead" Premonition _The Streets Are Paved With Lead_

"Mellow Moods" Pressure Point _Mellow Moods_

"Don't Get Me Wrong" The Pretenders _Get Close_

"Breakfast Of Champions" Prickly _Velleity_

"Sometimes" Penny Priest _Manchester North Of England_

"All Fall Down" Primal Scream _All Fall Down_

"Don't Tell Me" The Primary Colours _Don't Tell Me_

"Crash" The Primitives _Lovely_

"Kelvinpolis" Princess Niko _Summer's Here! Eardrums Compilation 2008, Vol. 2_

"Korean War Memorial" Princeton _Cocoon Of Love_

"The Treachery" Printing House _The Speed By Which We Fall_

"I Think You Know" The Pristines _Souls To The Devil EP_

"Invisible State" Bill Pritchard _Three Months, Three Weeks, & Two Days_

"Love In The 80s" Probe _User Friendly_

"Sweet & Pathetic" Procedure Club _Pinky Swear_

"Jupiter Hollow" The Proctors _Pinstripes & Englishmen_

"The Man Who Thought He Was A Steam Train" Clive Product _Financial Suicide_

"Step Into The Cold" The Proper Ornaments _Wooden Head_

"Where On Earth Is Kevin Shields?" P.S. I Love You _A Rocket Girl Compilation_

"Love My Way" The Psychedelic Furs _Forever Now_

"James Dean" Public Address _James Dean_

"3 Lefts = 1 Right" Public Places _Public Places_

"The White Birds" The Puddle _Into The Moon_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 68?

(This is what comes up in Creative Commons when I search for indiepop. Image from here*.)

Many moons ago, looking at the list of bands at TweeNet, I thought it might be a fun project to do an "a to z" type series for that genre, indiepop, which had become important to me.  It was never popular, it was even somewhat maligned, but I used the list as an excuse to both play more indiepop on the radio & to discover artists I didn't know about.  I couldn't help adding artists that I felt had been excluded &, ever the completist, I thought it might be good to add artists that influenced the genre as well.  & thus a project that should have been over some time ago is now in its 68th installment & at the letter P.

Will we finish the letter P tonight?  I don't think so.  But listen in!  The show will air on 90.7fm in Portland & online everywhere at KBOO dot fm & it'll happen from midnight to 3am.  I happen to find indiepop to be quite diverse & you'll hear bands from all over the world.  But then I'm a fan!

*"3rd Annual Nottingham Indiepop Alldayer @ Bunkers Hill Inn, Nottingham - 25 September 2010" by craigboney is marked with CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.     

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 68: Every Four Months

Is there anything more twee than a sleeping beagle?  That's Pauline.

Even though we're in the middle of a Membership Drive - I guess we just started it - I think we're doing okay - please donate if you can help - & even though I myself have promised to do theme based on the drive's theme - which is bees, or the "hive drive" - I have to take some time to fulfill my obligation to do an Indiepop A To Z episode.

Wait.  Obligation to whom?  Oh no one really.  I guess I just figured since I started it, I should try to finish it.  So I do an episode every four months - the last shows of April, August, & December.  Guess what this Tuesday is?

No one really gives me much feedback about the show (thankfully, I imagine it would be mostly bad) & I've never really heard from any of the bands who still exist & who've been featured.  So I suppose I'm mainly doing it for me.  Which is fine.  I'm easy to please.

Except I'm not!

Movies About Bees

(image from the IMDb)

Bees are a big part of life & naturally they show up in many movies - only some of which are documentaries!  Our resident cinephile Chuck came by this week to take with us about some (non-documentary) movies that feature bees, & it happened on the show, so - well, if you didn't listen, you can do so now at either the Self Help Radio website or the KBOO website.  I believe Chuck shows up around the end of the second hour.

Wait!  Chuck has shared some helpful links as well!

Here is the IMDb keyword list Chuck used to find films tagged with "bees."

Here is his YouTube playlist of films featuring bees.
Here is the IMDb list of some films available for free elsewhere.

Chuck commented on the films he watched on Letterboxd & we always encourage you to follow him on Twitter to keep up with what he's watching.

Chuck will be back in less than two weeks when we explore the theme "honey"!  Meanwhile - since bees are the theme - maybe help KBOO out during our Spring Membership Drive?  The bees will thank you - otherwise they may swarm!

Books About Bees

(All images from Goodreads)

This week on the show - which was about bees - our favorite librarian Carole came by to talk about books featuring bees.  The covers of the three books she talked about are above, but here are the books with links to their Goodreads page:

Gives Bees A Chance by Bethany Barton
Bee-Wigged by CC Bell
Why I'm Afraid Of Bees by RL Stine

You want to know what she said?  Why, then, listen to the show at both the Self Help Radio website or the KBOO website.  Carole's interview is at the end of the last hour.

Go ahead!  Be literary for once!  Open a book!  You can't just listen to the radio all the time!

Self Help Radio 041922: Bees (The Third Time)

Third time's the charm?

This week's episode of Self Help Radio is the third time I've explored the theme "bees," but the first time I've done so on KBOO & certainly the longest bee show I could've done.  Three hours of bee songs & five interviews too.  But wait!  There's more!  I plan to do a honey show in a couple of week so I withheld honeybee songs.  That's right - the show could've gone longer.  Because bees are awesome.

You can listen to this show now & whenever at either the KBOO web page or at the Self Help Radio web page.  It's the same show.  If you listen at the show's page, you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp).  I guess you can download from the show's page.  If you're some kind of strange person.

Lots of interviews & lots of songs about bees!  All the details are below!  & remember - this is in honor of the KBOO Spring Membership Drive which has a bee theme - so if you can please donate to the station today!

Self Help Radio KBOO Bee Show
"Bees" The Hepburns _In The Mean Time_
"Bees" Animal Collective _Feels_
"The Bees (The Bees)" His Name Is Alive _Stars On E.S.P._

introduction & definitions

"Bumble Bee" The Wave Pictures _If You Leave It Alone_
"Eric The Half-A-Bee" Monty Python _Monty Python's Previous Record_
"Bee Kind To The Bugs" Culture Abuse _Bay Dream_
"Flight Of The Psychedelic Bumble Bee" The Peanut Butter Conspiracy _Spreading From The Ashes_
"When The Bees Are In The Hive" Bill Monroe _Bluegrass 1959-1969_

interview with biologist Dr. Dominic Siegel

"Me & The Bees" The Softies _Holiday In Rhode Island_
"The Birds & The Bees" Rowan & Martin _The Humor Of Rowan & Martin_
"Queen Bee" Middle Of The Road _Acceleration_
"Bumble Bee" LaVern Baker _The Complete Singles As & Bs 1949-1962_
"Beehive (feat. Tony Allen, Akenya Seymour, & Isaiah Oby)" Chicago Afrobeat Project _What Goes Up_

our favorite librarian Carole stops by to talk about books about bees

"Beeside" Tintern Abbey _Beeside (The Complete Recordings)_
"Beekeeper" Salem 66 _Down The Primrose Path_
"One Bee At A Time" Negativland _True False_
"Happy Yellow Bumblebee" Of Montreal _The Bedside Drama: A Petite Tragedy_
"Beeswing" Richard Thompson _Mirror Blue_

interview with beetronica musician Oscar Maize

"Be A Bee" Air _Love 2_
"Humble Bee" John Wesley Harding _The Confessions Of St. Ace_
"Bees" Laura Cantrell _Humming By The Flowered Vine_
"Leisure Bees" Tacocat _Lost Time_
"A Sleepin' Bee (from House Of Flowers)" Diahann Carroll _American Musical Theatre: Shows, Songs, & Stars_

our resident cinephile Chuck stops by to talk about movies involving bees

"Back Biting Bee Blues (feat. Leola Wilson)" Blind Blake _All The Published Sides_
"Yellow Bee" Bertha Lee _Charley Patton: Complete Recordings 1929-1934_
"Little Queen Bee" Slim Harpo _The Best Of Slim Harpo_
"Maude Frickert Explains The Birds & The Bees" Jonathan Winters _Wings It!_
"Birds & Bees" Weaves _Weaves_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Busy Bee Boogie" Hal Serra & Carol Mark _Animal Hootenanny_
"The L.S. Bumble Bee" Peter Cook & Dudley Moore _We Can Fly, Vol. 1_
"Ohio Town Saved From Killer Bees By Hungry Vampire Bats" Jad Fair & Yo La Tengo _Strange But True_
"Beehive" Boss Hog _Boss Hog_
"Because Of The Bees" We Are Enfant Terrible _Explicit Pictures_

conclusion & goodbye

"Flight Of The Bumble Bee" Harry James & His Orchestra _Swingin' The Classics_
"Dance Of The Bees" Lisa Germano _No Elephants_
"World Of Bees (Live)" Sleepy Township _Library Records 1998-2003_

Whither Bees (Again & Again)?

Why is the show today about bees?  Bee-cause it's KBOO's Spring Membership Drive & there's a theme this time around: the hive drive.  In fact, during most of the shows this spring, Self Help Radio will explore themes related to bees - but today's show is all about the bees.

Please listen from midnight to 3am on 90.7fm here in Portland (where the bees have begun to come do their work!) & online everywhere at KBOO dot fm.

& should you feel moved to help pollinate our station - that actually sounds equal parts dirty & sexy - you can do so by visiting our donations page.  Like the workers in the hive, everyone's contributions are equally important!  Though we'd prefer you to be a worker & not a drone!

Preface To Bees: What, Again?

For the purposes of this particular post, I'm going to pretend you pay attention to my shabby radio show.  Because the mythical person who does that might be thinking, "There's going to be a show about bees?  Hasn't there already been a Self Help Radio episode about bees?  & also another later Self Help Radio show about bees?"

That hypothetical perceptive listener is absolutely true.  There was a Self Help Radio episode about bees in 2016.  I wrote about it at the time.  I thought it was a delightful episode which in no way conflicted with my previous show, from 2013, with the theme buzz.

(How bee came after buzz I can't explain.)

But then, when I was doing Self Help Radio on Freeform Portland, I was asked by the fellow whose show followed mine if I might do a show about bees.  I said I had already done one, but for him?  Ah, heck.  I'd revisit it.  I wrote about that after the show.

That deejay, by the way, took a break after that cycle, & then the pandemic hit, & you know the rest of that story.  I haven't seen or spoken to him in over two years!  I hope he's well.

This will mark the first time, I believe, I have explored the same theme three times.  Not counting holidays like Christmas or the more important holiday My Wife's Birthday.

So why do it?  If you pay attention to KBOO, you know the answer.  If you don't, I'll tell you tomorrow.

Scary!

Here's a picture from a year ago.  A bubble designed to let the dog in the yard look out turns into something terrifying when the dog barks at me.

Otherwise I haven't much to say.  I haven't really been much on the internet today.  Is anything going on?

Janey

Today I had to say goodbye to a friend I usually saw on our walks.  Her name was Janey & she was a very sweet girl, with a friendly & chatty mother who was amenable to me giving Janey treats.  Janey initially would bark when she saw or heard us down the street, but when we got to the fence, she would be a little shy.  But she very much liked treats, & the few times I ran into her when she was on walks, she was very waggish & happy to see me - treats are a powerful tool for making friends with dogs.

How old Janey was I haven't asked but I think definitely older than ten.  She suffered a little from arthritis I think & maybe was a bit overweight.  She loved behind outside & even in the rain she'd come to get treats from me.  In her bed on her covered porch, often under a blanket, she'd rise to come to the fence - sometimes dragging the blanket behind her.

This is the face I'd see, looking down at her as she waited patiently for a treat.  We'd visit her on what I call our "neighborhood walk."  Our other three regular walks take us to parks, so the walks are named after the park.  But when we visited Janey, we'd simply make a stroll through the neighborhood.  When I gave her treats, I'd also give my dogs treats, so it was a nice stopping place for everyone involved.

When we first met Janey, she was actually recovering from an attack by a pit bull.  Someone in the neighborhood had a dog which had assaulted Janey.  I don't think you can tell from the pictures but one of her ears was the worse for wear from the encounter.  It might be why she was so shy at the fence.  I told Lisa, Janey's mom, when we found out she was gone, I told her that Janey stopped being shy at some point & boldly demanded treats from me.  I felt like that was a kind of acceptance.

Janey had been feeling unwell & had a tumor on one of her organs that was causing her pain.  It's always a difficult decision to decide when to say goodbye to one of your non-human friends.  Janey was not going to get better, & it had become obvious.  Janey would've stayed around as long as she was needed.  I've experienced that time & again.  When we walked by her house today, her family was outside, all of them grieving.

One day I took a supercool picture of Janey that I need to print out for Lisa, it is how I think of her, she was a good thing with nothing but sweetness in her.  She was bigger than our dogs but she was a cuddler, & I would have gladly cuddled with her if I had had the chance.  Alas, all I got was a sweet friendship from someone who was the highlight of the walk.  I'm glad she's not in any pain anymore.  I want to remember all the good vibes she sent out.

Self Help Radio 041222: Outlaws

(original image here*)

Everyone's a little bit of an outlaw, in their own heads at least.  Here's a show for the little bitty outlaw in you.

In addition to songs about outlaws in general, the show features sets about specific outlaws: Robin Hood, Jesse James, Billy The Kid, Bonnie & Clyde.  Plus interview with experts about those & other famously infamous men & women.  It was such a celebration of criminality that for a brief moment, the show dreamed of being on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list.  Then of course it realized it would never survive in prison.

You can listen to the show at both the Self Help Radio KBOO page as well as at the Self Help Radio website.  I'm not breaking the law telling you that, at the latter site, you'll need a username - SHR - & a password - selfhelp - to listen.  But I wish I was!  All the stuff that happens on the show is below.

Let's hope this ends well.

Self Help Radio 220412: Outlaws

"Outlaw Blues" Bob Dylan _Bringing It All Back Home_

"Outlaw" Ruthie Foster _Promise Of A Brand New Day_

"So You Wannabe An Outlaw" Steve Earle & The Dukes _So You Wannabe An Outlaw_

introduction & definitions - featuring the Definition-O-Tron 3000!

"Ladies Love Outlaws" The Everly Brothers _Chained To A Memory_

"England 1747 Dennis Moore" Monty Python _Monty Python's Previous Record_

"Outlaw" War _The Very Best Of War_

"I'm An Outlaw" Kurt Vile _B'lieve I'm Goin Down..._

"Dennis Moore (Part 2)" Monty Python _Monty Python's Previous Record_

"Outlaw" Sarah Shook & The Devil _Seven_

interview with Robin Hood expert (?) Sir Archibald Von Poesy

"True Tale Of Robin Hood" Wallace House _Robin Hood Ballads_

"Robin Hood" Dick James _Hello Children Everywhere_

"Robin Hood" Louis Prima & His Orchestra _Jumpin' With The Big Swing Bands_

"Robin Hood" The Mekons _So Good It Hurts_

"Robin Hood" Momus _Otto Spooky_

interview with Jesse James expert (?) Ned Dry

"Jesse James" Woody Guthrie _Some Folk_

"Jesse James" The Pogues _Rum Sodomy & The Lash_

"I'm Bad Like Jesse James" John Lee Hooker _Boom Boom_

"Just Like Jesse James" The Mooney Suzuki _Guilt By Association_

"Jesse James" Freedom Fry _Summer In The City_

interview with a Billy The Kid expert
phone call from someone claiming to be Buckee The Bandit

"Billy The Kid" Ry Cooder _Into The Purple Valley_

"Me & Billy The Kid (feat. Peter Rowan)" Ramblin' Jack Elliott _Friends Of Mine_

"Billy The Kid" John Hartford _Good Old Boys_

"Billy The Kid" Jonathan Winters _Here's Jonathan_

"Billy The Kid's Dream Of The Magic Shoes" The Mountain Goats _Protein Source Of The Future...Now!_

interview with action movie star Dan Cash

"A Day In The Life Of Bonnie & Clyde" Mel Torme _A Day In The Life Of Bonnie & Clyde_

"The Ballad Of Bonnie & Clyde" Georgie Fame _The Third Face Of Fame_

"Bonnie & Clyde (feat. Anita Lane)" Mick Harvey _Intoxicated Man_

"The Legend Of Bonnie & Clyde" Merle Haggard _Down Every Road (1962-1994)_

"The Story Of Bonnie & Clyde" Flatt & Scruggs _1964-1969, Plus_

"Pair Of Bonnie & Clydes" Early To Bed _Early To Bed_

interview with historian Jarvis Brezing

"Belle Star (feat. Bill Miller)" Michael Martin Murphey _Cowboy Songs III (Rhymes Of The Renegades)_

"Belle Star" Emmylou Harris & Mark Knopfler _All The Roadrunning_

"Butch Cassidy" My Morning Jacket _The Tennessee Fire_

"Pancho & Lefty" Townes Van Zandt _The Late Great Townes Van Zandt_

"John Wesley Harding" Thea Gilmore _John Wesley Harding_

conclusion & goodbye

"Hard To Be An Outlaw" Willie Nelson _Band Of Brothers_

"Outlaws" Rose Melberg _Homemade Ship_

"Outlaw For A Day" Lame Drivers _Chosen Era_

"The Cowboy Outlaw" Brian Dewan _Tells The Story_

"Outlaw" Mission Of Burma _Signals, Calls, & Marches_

* "Wanted poster" by gorbould is marked with CC BY-NC-ND 2.0. 

Whither Outlaws?

(image from here.)

Outlaws have an enduring popularity - from Robin Hood down to the "outlaw country" stars of the 1970s, many people seem to find something good in being actually quite bad.

A few months ago, I found myself doing a deep dive with the song "Jesse James." I kept hearing several versions in quick succession, from the first recording by Bentley Ball to the Pete Seeger version to re-discovering that the Pogues covered it on Rum, Sodomy, & The Lash.

But I certainly didn't think I could fill three hours of a radio show with songs about Jesse James - & I didn't just want to play version after version.  I've heard other radio shows do that, & I think I'd be as bored as the listener would find it tedious.

Thus began the idea of a show not just about Jesse James, but other outlaws.  Once I included Robin Hood, & Billy The Kid, & Bonnie & Clyde, & others - & of course just songs about outlaws - I figured I might have a decent show.  Tonight you'll get to decide if that is the case.

Self Help Radio airs from midnight to 3am on 90.7fm KBOO in Portland & everywhere at kboo.fm.  As an honest, law-abiding citizen I cannot condone the bad deeds in the songs I'll play.  But like everyone else I can succumb to the mythology & live vicariously through them!

Preface To Outlaws: Goody Two Shoes

(image from here - the story too!)

This blog post was supposed to feature a mild confession from me that - unless you count shoplifting when I was a kid, or running red lights, or sometimes using torrents to find movies I really want to see, I have never really broken the law.  Certainly I would never be called an "outlaw."  Indeed, I was going to say, an outlaw would called me with disgust a "goody two shoes."

That was the plan until I discovered that the phrase "goody two shoes" - which seems self-explanatory - actually lent itself to a story with that name.  Here's how the Wikipedia summarizes it (you can also click the link below the image to read a longer version):

Goody Two-Shoes is a variation of the Cinderella story. The fable tells of Goody Two-Shoes, the nickname of a poor orphan girl named Margery Meanwell, who goes through life with only one shoe. When a rich gentleman gives her a complete pair, she is so happy that she tells everyone that she has "two shoes." Later, Margery becomes a teacher & marries a rich widower. This earning of wealth serves as proof that her virtue has been rewarded, a popular theme in children's literature of the era.

The Wikipedia notes - as does the blog linked under the image - that the phrase was used long before the story.  But while "goody" to us seems a so-sweet-it's-insulting thing to call someone, it was actually short for "goodwife," a kind of precursor or synonym to missus.

The Wikipedia also tells us that, "The story popularized the phrase 'goody two-shoes' as a descriptor for an excessively virtuous person or do-gooder."  I guess Margery Meanwell was an excessively virtuous person.  It's strange that it's become something of a pejorative.

The truth is, I think I was thought of as a goody two-shoes as a kid, & sometimes used it to good advantage.  A teacher might let me take a make-up test in an empty classroom & not suspect I might cheat.  When I sometimes did.  & when I was in my shoplifting phase - which didn't last long - I was often overlooked as a nicer kid while my more unsavory fellows were watched like hawks - which left me to steal things unobserved.

But I would also probably tell on you if you did something really bad.  & most probably I'd be called a "narc" more than a "goody two-shoes" at that point.

In any event - I was never an outlaw.  Never really aimed for it, but had I done so, I would've missed spectacularly.

Obligatory Cartoon Mentioning "Self-Help" Presentation

By the brilliant Tom Gauld. 

If only my radio show were as clever!

Drowning In Films Featuring Drowning

(image from the IMDb)

It will come as no surprise to you that, just as drownings happen in real life, they happen in the movies too.  Our resident cinephile Chuck came by this week to talk about films - thrillers, specifically - in which drownings occurred.  You can listen to that show if you missed it at either the KBOO website or the Self Help Radio website.

Chuck has shared some helpful links for you.

Here is the IMDb keyword search list Chuck used to find thrillers tagged with "drowning" & "murder."

Here is his YouTube playlist of films with drowning within.
Here's a list of some films available for free elsewhere.

Chuck used Letterboxd to comment on some of the films he watched.

Chuck watched way more films than he talked about on the air, but he did talk about them on Twitter.  Maybe follow him to see what he's watching?

Be safe out there!

Self Help Radio 040522: Drowning

(Original image here*.)

This is true: a listener called me to tell me that, as a child, he lived in Germany & his father fished in the North Sea.  He said he had nightmares that his father would drown regularly.  I worried that a show about drowning might be triggering for him, but he said no - he actually now dreamed regularly about being rescued from drowning by aliens in spaceships that looked like transparent cubes.

It's true, I fretted aloud that this particular show's subject matter might be too gruesome, & in fact another listener told me that he fully expected the show to be way more sad than it actually was.  Which, come to think of it, is a little triumph for Self Help Radio, which in its way is always way more sad than it means to be.

In any event, if you can stomach a radio show about drowning, which features music & interviews, you can listen now at the KBOO website, or at the show's website at Self Help Radio dot net.  If you choose the show's website, make sure you remember the username is SHR & the password is selfhelp.  All the things that happen on the show are below.

Be safe out there!

Self Help Radio 220405: Drowning

"Drowning" The English Beat _Wha'ppen_

"Drowning" New York Dolls _'Cause I Sez So_

"Drowning" The Luxembourg Signal _The Luxembourg Signal_

introduction, definitions, statistics

"Drowned In My Own Tears" Mitty Collier _Shades Of A Genius_

"Drowning On Dry Land" O.V. Wright _The Soul Of O.V. Wright_

"Drowning In Berlin" Mobiles _The Edge Of The Eighties_

"The Drowning Man" The Cure _Faith_

"Fear Of Drowning" British Sea Power _The Decling Of British Sea Power_

our resident cinephile Chuck stops by to talk about movies featuring drowning

"Drown" Black Tambourine _By Tomorrow_

"Drown" Even As We Speak _Feral Pop Frenzy_

"Drown" Beliefs _Leaper_

"Drown" Chastity Belt _Chastity Belt_

"Drown (feat. Kirin J Callinan)" Genesis Owusu _Smiling With No Teeth_

interview with & performance by storyteller Noah Swimmer

"Duck Before You Drown" Dinah Washington _Back To The Blues_

"The Drowned Girl" David Bowie _Baal_

"Drowning Butterflies" Cleaners From Venus _Under Wartime Conditions_

"Drowned Rats" Melbourne Cans _Moonlight Malaise_

"Drown In The Now (feat. Matisyahu)" The Crystal Method _Divided By Night_

interview with lifeguard Jarvis Garvis

"Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning" Morrissey _Vauxhall & I_

"Drowning In You" Pluramon _The Monstrous Surplus_

"Watery (Drowning Is Just Another Word For Being Buried Alive Under Water)" A Sunny Day In Glasgow _Scribble Mural Comic Journal_

"Drowning In Plain Sight" The Delines _The Sea Drift_

"The Drowned Lovers" Nic Jones _Penguin Eggs_

interview with lifeguard & instructor Steve Gunter

"Pouring Water On A Drowning Man" James Carr _Beg Scream & Shout! The Big Ol' Box Of '60s Soul_

"I'm Drowning" Viki Adams _Casino Classics: The Forgotten Floorshakers_

"Ha Ha I'm Drowning" The Teardrop Explodes _Kilimanjaro_

"Drown With The Monster" White Lung _Deep Fantasy_

"Drown Me Out" Pity Sex _Feast Of Love_

"Drowning" Green Pajamas _Narcotic Kisses_

how to tell when someone is drowning - & what to do

"Drowning Head First" Adam Green _Sixes & Sevens_

"Drown" Westkust _Last Forever_

"I'll Try To Ignore The Fact That You're Drowning" Lux _We Are Not The Same_

"Death By Drowning" The Boys Next Door _Hee-Haw_

"Drowning In The Sea of Love" Joe Simon _Drowning In The Sea Of Love_

conclusion & goodbye

"Time Goes Slowly When You're Drowning" Television Personalities _Fashion Conscious_

"Mermaid Drowning On Dry Land" Miles Dethmuffen _Clutter_

*"Drowning In Bricks" by Walter Benson is marked with CC BY-SA 2.0.

Whither Drowning?

(image from here.)

A long time ago, back in Austin, when I first started this show, someone at KOOP, which aired the show, came to me & asked about the show.  They said, "Your recent topics or themes seem very negative."  They had a touch of concern in their voice.

Now, I can't remember when this happened exactly - in the show's first year? or the second? I recall I did a show with the theme "broken" & a caller told me I had cursed her entire day with the show.  But I did wonder if I found "negative" subjects more interesting than whatever the opposite was.  Looking back, though, I see no clear pattern either way.

All of this is just to say I wonder what that volunteer would make of a show about drowning of all things.  & I'm not sure how I would explain exactly why the show today is about drowning, except that I came across a few songs recently that were about drowning - not in a physical sense, generally speaking.  & a cursory glance at my collection revealed I had a whole lot of songs involving drowning.  & that's usually how my shows take shape.

But I certainly hope this isn't triggering for anyone!  If so, please don't listen tonight from midnight to 3am on 90.7 fm in Portland or online at kboo.fm everywhere.  It does seem like a horrible way to go.

Preface To Drowning: What A Bleak Subject!

(no idea where I found this sorry)

Drowning is a gruesome thing, & a horrible way to die.  & lots of people drown to death - the World Health Organization says 236,000 people are lost in death related to drowning.  (Read all about it.)  Since humans have generally lived near water - & many of them throughout history have had to cross bodies of water regularly, sometimes on unsafe or shabbily made crafts - it's safe to say people have been dying by drowning for a long, long time.

But does that make it a suitable topic for a radio show?

Perhaps if I reassured you that drowning as a metaphor would make up the bulk of the song choices, would that help make the theme a bit more respectable?  After all, one can drown one's sorrows, or even drown out the bothersome noise around them.  Ray Charles famously sang he would drown in his own tears, & Joe Simon sang of drowning in a sea of love.  & it makes sense - in a world were drowning is so terrible, using drowning as a metaphor for how one is feeling can be quite powerful.

Besides, did you really think I'd get so lurid as to focus on death on this week's show?  To be fair, some of the songs will mention death, just as I have mentioned death in this discussion.  But we won't linger on it.  It won't be exploitative.  We're a not a true crime drama on the Netflicks or anything.

One confession: I haven't found a song that corresponds with a particular meaning I found on the Urban Dictionary:

Drowning, adjective:

You are beyond desperate & thirsty. You would hook up with anyone. It is not good to be drowning.

Jessica : hey Sally what are you looking at

Sally : ohh just the guy over their in the yellow

Jessica : umm I think he is ten. That is half our age not to mention the mud on his pants. Well I hope it's mud!

Sally : I don't care ima go and work my magic. Bye.

Jessica : your drowning

Because I would totally play that song.

The Uncertain Fate Of Bojangles

A year ago on this date, we were walking our dogs in the afternoon & a tiny animal - pictured above - wandered toward us.  He was not frightened nor threatening - he weighed less than our dog Yoko - he was sweet & friendly & he let me pick him up.  I gave him a treat & I looked around for his owner - but there was no one around to claim him.  So I walked him home & eventually we gave him a bath & fed him & I went through all the channels that I could to find his owner.  I posted on Next Door & I also posted on Facebook.

Almost immediately I got a message from someone who wanted to adopt him.  I was cautious & said I'd wait a bit.  I can't recall if I waited for twenty-four hours but that sounds like me, but I did despair that his owner(s) weren't looking for him.  But right before our afternoon walk the next day, I received a message from someone who knew who he was & to whom he belonged.

This means that he spent a day with us.  He was a sweet, sweet fellow.  Not overly concerned with food - very different from our pack - but with a need to be close to someone.  I think we made him sleep in the garage overnight so as not to either cause any issues with our dogs nor give him any sense our home might be permanent.  He was very chill.  He was cool with whatever.  Look at that sweet face!

The message was from someone who lived in a halfway house in our neighborhood.  Bojangles belonged to a woman there who was beside herself with worry.  We said we'd bring him by - & that's how we learned his name.  When we returned him to her, I knew he was home - he showed such affection to her that I was convinced this was her owner.  I was glad to see him home but sad to see him go.

One of the people who had wanted to adopt him followed up with Bojangles' owner.  She was retired military with many issues.  She was a recovering addict & believed that someone in her house had deliberately set Bojangles free.  (I should note we found him several blocks from the house - he certainly had gone a-wanderin'.)  This person attempted to help Bojangles' owner but was rebuffed until, I assume, she just gave up.

At some point, my wife & I went back to the halfway house & clipped the nails of some of the pets there.  (We had bathed & clipped Bojangles' nails when he was with us.)  But we didn't stay in contact with any of the residents & it was not on our normal dog walk path.  I have not seen Bojangles since the day I handed him back to his owner.

A couple of days ago, we happened to walk past the halfway house & it appeared to be undergoing renovation.  I couldn't see if it was occupied but there was a giant dumpster in front & people wandering about in work clothes.  Perhaps it's no longer a halfway house.  Perhaps Bojangles & his owner no longer live there.

Here's what I know: when his owner took him from me, she expressed the joy I feel with my animals.  I had no doubt he was hers, & she his.  I can't begin to imagine what she has experienced & continues to go through.  I can only hope she has Bojangles to help her, wherever she may be.

It Bit

You won't believe I took this gorgeous picture of this terrifying creature - because why would you? I've shown no talent for photography!  Even I can't believe I took it.  Or that I got close enough to take it because I am deathly afraid of insects.  I just remember that my wife wanted to touch it, & it bit her.  It did!  Her finger swelled up.  Maybe some errant entomologist will happen by this blog one day & comment on what kind of bug it is.  As it stands, I have written it a poem.

Oh biting caterpillar!
We must fetch now the painkiller.

As my wife's hand did linger

You bit her on the finger.

She still thinks you're pretty

Despite what you did - which was shitty.

Though this was awful business

She's shown you forgiveness.

Someday I'll hurt her in some manner
(Not something I'd put in a planner)
But I think of how she forgave you
So there's hope that she'll forgive me too.

Although I shouldn't show her this poem.  It's pretty much unforgivable.

Self Help Radio 032922: The Saddest

This was the saddest sunflower I ever met.

Self Help Radio this week was in its own way two different shows.  The first featured artists telling us what they thought was the saddest thing - the saddest stories, the saddest songs, the saddest words.  During that portion of the show, we also talked to guests.

But as you might have noticed I asked on Twitter & Facebook for listeners to submit what they thought was the saddest song they ever heard - & I asked on air, too.  Honestly, it probably could have been an entire show.  As it happened, I just got to songs requests by Anne, Connor, Dave, two Erics, Gretchen, Hayden, Jamie, Keith, Kevin, Leah, Leslie, Michael, Patrick, Russell, & Tommy.  Except for the live requests, I completely randomized what I would play, so I just didn't have the time to play requests by Avalon, Christopher, Crystal, Damian, David, George, Jeff, Jeffrey, John, Jon, Liza, Matthew, Molly, & Suzi.  My apologies - I should've planned better.  I loved hearing all of your saddest songs!

Just a note - Conner called in to request the same song Jamie has requested, so I felt I had to play it!  & someone named Boosiph requested a Tom Waits song, which Keith also requested, so I flipped a coin, & Keith's choice one.

You can listen to the show any time at either KBOO's web site or at the Self Help Radio website. Login info for the Self Help Radio site - username SHR password selfhelp.  All the songs & what happens in-between are below.

You helped make the saddest show into one of my happiest!  Thank you!

Self Help Radio's Saddest Show
"Saddest Tale" Billie Holiday _The Legacy (1933-1958)_
"Saddest Night In The World" The Walker Brothers _The Walker Brothers Collection_
"The Saddest House In Stockholm" Marty Willson-Piper _Spirit Level_

introduction & explanation

"The Saddest Story Ever Told" The Magnetic Fields _The Wayward Bus_
"The Saddest Story Ever Told" The Charade _The Best Is Yet To Come_
"The Saddest Place In The World" Maria Bamford _How To Win!_
"My Saddest Hour" The Five Keys _The Aladdin Years_
"The Saddest Thing" Melanie _The Good Book_

interview with "Saddest Thing I've Ever Seen" columnist Cliff Turnbull

"Na Na Is The Saddest Word" The Stylistics _The Very Best Of The Stylistics_
"Goodbye Is The Saddest Word" Manhattans _There's No Good In Goodbye_
"The Saddest Snack" Matt Koff _Who's My Little Guy?_
"The Saddest Day" Vitesse _A Certain Hostility_
"The Saddest Song I've Got" Annie Lennox _Bare_

interview with composer of "the saddest music ever written" Edgar Jarvis

"The Saddest Lyrics I Have Ever Written" W-X _W-X_
"The Saddest Lullaby" I'm From Barcelona _Let Me Introduce My Friends_
"The Saddest Sentence" Hodera _First Things First_
"Saddest Quo" The Pernice Brothers _Discover A Lovelier You_
"Small Deaths Are The Saddest" Múm _Summer Make Good_

interview with Bummer, the saddest clown in Portland

"Saddest Summer" The Drums _Summertime!_
"Saddest Girl In The World" Alpaca Sports _From Paris With Love_
"Saddest Day" Brilliantine _My Life & The Beautiful Game_
"The Saddest Song" Morphine _Good_
"The Saddest Song Of All" Doug Ashdown _The Age Of Mouse_

interview with healer of the saddest people Sebastian Holder

"Drown In My Own Tears (Live)" Ray Charles _Genius & Soul: The 50th Anniversary Collection_
"Long Ride Home" Patty Griffin _1000 Kisses_
"Holocaust" Big Star _Third/Sister Lovers_
"Tonight" Sibylle Baier _Colour Green_
"Alone Again" Biz Markie _I Need A Haircut_

we just heard what Michael, Leslie, Eric, Patrick, & Tom say are the saddest songs they've ever heard

"I Remember Me" Silver Jews _Bright Light_
"At Seventeen" Janis Ian _Between The Lines_
"Pictures Of You (Remix)" The Cure _Pictures Of You_
"Box Of Cedar" Marissa Nadler _Ballads Of Living & Dying_
"Suffer Little Children" The Smiths _The Smiths_

we just heard what Hayden, Anne, Dave, Eric, & Leah say are the saddest songs they've ever heard
also - conclusion & goodbye!

"In A Lonely Place" New Order _Substance_
"Soldier's Things" Tom Waits _Swordfishtrombones_
"Mad World" Gary Jules _Trading Snakeoil For Wolftickets_
"The Chalet Lines" Belle & Sebastian _Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant_
"Baltimore" Randy Newman _Little Criminals_

(those are what Kevin, Keith, Jamie, Connor, Gretchen, & Russell say are the saddest songs they've ever heard)