Preface To Dragons: In Days Of Old

Happy America Birthday!  As I write this, my dogs are all freaked out because it sounds like a warzone in the neighborhood.  There are many irked folks on Next Door but I remember loving fireworks when I was a kid so maybe this is for kids.  Although it's almost midnight.  I suspect it's just drunk adults.  Hope they don't blow any appendages off!

Since the show is prerecorded, & since I've already turned it in, I can tell you that I talked to my "youngest friends" Alyssa & Jason today & I asked them when their first exposure to dragons happened.  They seemed to remember (slight spoiler alert) but of course didn't give me the chance to tell them mine because I was interviewing them & not vis vossa.  Can I tell you here, though?  Since you're interviewing me right now?

The truth is, I can't remember.  I suspect I read a King Arthur type story that had a dragon, or perhaps there was a Japanese monster based on a dragon, or there was a dragon in a comic book - maybe when Superman went back in time in one of those corny 60s DC comics.  I loved them, of course.  What's not to look about dragons?

My favorite dragon however is not the trio from Game Of Thrones or Smaug from The Hobbit or any of the cool ones you might get to battle in Dungeons & Dragons.  My favorite dragon came way late in my life.  It's Jack Of Fables.*

If you don't know what Fables is, you can read the Wikipedia entry about it.  It's basically a comic book by Bill Willingham & many artists which the article summarizes thus: "The series features various characters from fairy tales & folklore – referring to themselves as 'Fables' – who formed a clandestine community centuries ago within New York City known as Fabletown, after their Homelands have been conquered by a mysterious & deadly enemy known as 'The Adversary.' It is set in the modern day & follows several of Fabletown's legal representatives, such as sheriff Bigby Wolf, deputy mayor Snow White, her sister Rose Red, Prince Charming, & Boy Blue, as they deal with troublesome Fables & try to solve conflicts in both Fabletown and 'the Farm,' a hidden town in upstate New York for Fables unable to blend in with human society. The series also deals with such other matters as the main characters' personal lives, their attempts to hide the Fables' true nature from regular humans (or 'Mundies'), &, later, the return of the Adversary."

In one of the spin-offs of the series, called Jack Of Fables, which features Jack Horner, there is an explanation of a dragon that I found fascinating.  Jack accumulates so much gold & gems & treasure that he becomes fatter & fatter, gorging on wealth.  He basically turns into a dragon.  It's the origin of both dragons & their caverns full of riches.  I thought Willingham came up with this independently, but Wikipedia tells me it's based on the Norse mythological character Fafnir.  Who was an inspiration for Smaug.  Who is the favorite dragon of many.

Also I always liked Lockheed in the X-Men comics.  I wanted a Lockheed so badly.

It's safe to say that dragons still charm me.  I hope the show is able to capture some of that.

* Here's something embarrassing.  When I save comics on my computer, I usually just put them in a folder with the title in small letters without spaces.  So there's a folder in my comics folder called "jackoffables."  I might as well have just named it "porn."

Too Far To Read That

There are windows that look out into windows, & can't see beyond that.  I myself today saw a gigantic house which had a giant garden, & within that garden, hidden from view, another garden.

There are things I want to tell you, but in-between memory & time, I find I don't have the vocabulary.  This isn't as simple as checking a thesaurus.  This is as deep as the moment after you fall asleep & the moment you begin to dream.

This is not to say that oneself is unknowable, this is simply a check on hubris.  Which is?  Is there an online definition?  What do you have to say for yourself?

"excessive pride or self-confidence"

The sort of thing that should never be rewarded.

Time is a jet plane, it moves too fast.  Most messages I mean to mention fall by the wayside.

Hey, I've been meaning to ask, are you watching "High Fidelty" on Hulu?  I read the book a long time ago but loved the movie & tonight I decided I loved the television series.  It made me wish I could be around music snobs more.  I am not around any of them these days.

What the fuck was I going on about?  I am not well-equipped for this nonsense.

But I confess I love vague poetry.  (Is that redundant?)

Children leave the porch as the light fades
But what they scribbled on the concrete
Shines throughout the night

Boom!  Make me Poet Laureate Of Something.

July 2, 2016

This is nice.  A friend in Kentucky - who may not have known because I was keeping it under my hat that we were about to move back to Texas - was asked by me to cover a song I didn't much like for a show with the theme "take it easy."  Not only did she do it, she nailed it, & made me a fan of the song besides.  Well, a fan of her version of the song.  Here's the post from that day when I shared the song after the show aired:

When first thinking about the idea of Self Help Radio - well, what I was going to say was just not true.  I wasn't thinking much about "the idea of Self Help Radio" back in 2002 when I started this show.  I was thinking about doing a radio show again after not having a regular gig since I left KVRX in 1999, & I had to come up with a kind of gimmick to justify my existence on KOOP.  This is true - most of the things that make up the average Self Help Radio episode - with the exception of songs adhering to a theme - weren't there in the first episodes.  Maybe not in the first year!

Anyway, later on, I would ask folks who were musicians (& usually friends of mine) if they would like to contribute to the show in some way - mostly, of course, by contributing a song for a particular theme.  The big question is of course "Why?"  Why would anyone want to contribute anything to this unimportant radio show?  Luckily, some people did - for reasons I can't imagine - & just this week it happened again!

Jenny of Owlsey County recorded a lovely, slyly transformative version of a song I have issues with.  I am so very grateful she took the time to do it, & am very flattered it appeared on this week's show.  Here it is, please enjoy:

Self Help Radio 062920: Basements

(Original image here.)

Hooray!  Self Help Radio is back on Freeform at its regular time!  What a joy!

Hm, I'm trying to think if there's anything I can say about basements here that wasn't covered on the show.  Am I glad I chose not to talk about this article from 2015 which claims "Newly constructed homes in the United States are most likely to be built on a slab foundation, according to the National Association of Home Builders, but basements remain the footing of choice in colder climates"?  Yes!  Why bring fans of basements down?  The show was a celebration after all!

No, it's time to share the show on the Self Help Radio web site, happy in the knowledge we did our best, hoping the basements out there appreciate it.  I meant basement enthusiasts.  Basements aren't sentient things.  Ha ha ha who would think that.

What happened on the show is below.  Remember the username/password - SHR/selfhelp.  & enjoy your basement!

Self Help Radio Basements Show
"The Basement Blues" Noble Sissle & His Orchestra _Ken Burns Jazz: Sidney Bechet_
"Basement Session" Joe Morgan _Wackies Sampler, Vol. 2_
"Basement Blues" Nikki Sudden & The Jacobites _Texas_

introduction & definitions

"Down In The Basement" Ma Rainey & Her Georgia Band _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Vol. 1: 1917-1927_
"I Don't Wanna Go Down To The Basement" Ramones _Ramones_
"Whatever You Do, Don't Go In The Basement" Swimmer One _The Regional Variations_
"Young Miles In The Basement" Pere Ubu _The Art Of Walking_
"Uncle Henry's Basement" The Jesters _The Best Of The Jesters_

interview with basement installation artist Legend D'Oro

"Legal Tender" The B-52's _Whammy!_
"Basement Flat" McGough & McGear _McGough & McGear_
"Basement Kiss (Live)" Elvis Costello & The Attractions _The Other End Of The Telescope_
"In The Basement" The Can't Tells _No Television_
"The Basement" Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth _Mecca & The Soul Brother_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Secret Meeting" The National _Alligator_
"In The Basement (Part 1) (with Sugar Pie DeSanto)" Etta James _The Essential Etta James_
"Down In The Basement" King Coleman _It's Dance Time!_
"Boogin' In The Basement" Ivory Joe Hunter _The Chronological Ivory Joe Hunter 1945-1947_
"Basement Money" Mates Of State _Mountaintops_

interview with basement enthusiast Ben

"Down In The Basement Blues" Big Bill Broonzy _Do That Guitar Rag: 1928-1935_
"Basement Band Song" The Organ _Grab That Gun_
"Electra's Crying Loaded In The Basement" Revolving Paint Dream _Mother Watch Me Burn_
"The Penthouse In The Basement" My Life Story _Mornington Crescent_
"Basement" Real Estate _Reality_

conclusion & goodbye

"Basement" Deerhunter _Deerhunter_
"Back To The Basement" The Queers _Back To The Basement_
"Basements" Pipas _Sorry Love_

Whither Basements?

(Image from the appropriately-entitled ifinishedmybasement.com.)

Let me let you in on a little secret: I have only lived in one place that had a basement.  Basements are not that common in Texas, & most of my childhood & adolescence, I lived in apartments.  No, the first & only home in which I ever lived that had a basement was in Huntington, West Virginia.

It wasn't very large, & we primarily used it for storage, including overflow groceries, although going down to the basement to get more beans or whatever soon became a hassle, so we ended up just keeping extra stuff in the panty.  I remember it has an unusual smell, & was always a little chilly down there, & it flooded a couple of times, despite having what is called a "sump pump."  No one warned us about the flooding, so of course some of our things got wet.  I guess the sump pump was a bit defective.

When we moved to Kentucky, we almost rented a house with a large basement - one with a separate door, which made me nervous.  I prefer the basements that can only be accessed through the house.  & there we looked at some places here in Portland with basements, but the house we ended up buying did not have one.

Why do a show about basements?  Because I appreciate them.  How I would've loved to have had a basement in my youth!  A dark, damp place where I could read my comic books in peace & listen to David Bowie on headphones.  I would've loved a basement window where I would spy on the feet of people coming in & out of the house.  & if the basement flooded from time-to-time, well.  I probably would have my comics on high shelves, my records, too.  It would be mine, all mine.

Perhaps tomorrow's show is a radio tribute to the basement I never had.  Nonetheless, it will air from 8-10am on 90.3/98.3 fm Freeform Portland, online simultaneously at freeformportland.org.  That's right!  We're back on the schedule at our regular time!  It takes a while, it seems, to finish a basement.

Preface To Basements: Basement Quiz Answers!

Yesterday, I shared a few song lyrics & asked if you knew what they were.  I'm sure they were simple, but I got no responses.  Alas!  But I figured I'd tell you the answers today, if you don't mind.

*Spoilers*!  If you want to try to answer, please go directly to yesterday's post!  Here, before you see the answers, is a picture I took in 2014 called "Basement Door."

(I must have taken that picture in Kentucky, although I have no idea where.)

Here are the lines followed by their sources:

1) Someone's in the basement, mixing up the medicine

Bob Dylan, "Subterranean Homesick Blues," from Bringing It All Back Home

2) My friends out there rolling round the basement floor

Elton John, "Someone Saved My Life Tonight," from Captain Fantastic

3) I was lying in a burned out basement with the full moon in my eyes

Neil Young, "After The Gold Rush," from After The Gold Rush

4) In the basement bars, in the backs of cars

Rush, "Subdivisions," from Signals

5) My heart's in the basement, my weekend's at an all-time low

David Bowie, "Queen Bitch," from Hunky Dory

6) Down in the basement, we hear the sound of machines

Talking Heads, "Girlfriend Is Better," from Speaking In Tongues

7) From every dingy basement on every dingy street, every dragging hand clap over every dragging beat

The Clash, "Death Or Glory," from Combat Rock

Thanks for playing!

Basement Quiz

When I decided to explore "basements" as a theme, the following songs - based on their lyrics - immediately made me think they would be good for the show - but they were ultimately rejected because the songs themselves were not about basements.

As an exercise, let me share with you the lyrics of songs that mention basements but are not songs about basements.  If you feel like treating this as a quiz, please answer as a comment.  Maybe I can find a prize for you!  But don't cheat - obviously you can find the answers at lyrics sites on the web.

Each lyric mentions a basement or basements.  Tell me the artist, song title, & the album.  Let's see how you do:


1) Someone's in the basement, mixing up the medicine

2) My friends out there rolling round the basement floor

3) I was lying in a burned out basement with the full moon in my eyes

4) In the basement bars, in the backs of cars

5) My heart's in the basement, my weekend's at an all-time low

6) Down in the basement, we hear the sound of machines

7) From every dingy basement on every dingy street, every dragging hand clap over every dragging beat

These are all songs I thought of when I thought about the theme "basement."  But - you won't hear them on Monday's show, because they're not really songs about basements.

But I'm curious if you know what the songs are!

June 25, 2007

This is something I wrote on the blog thirteen years ago.  I had much more fun then, it seems.  I wonder what happened to me.  It was called "Oh Ye Of Little Fates!"

Perhaps a few introductory remarks might be in order. For those of us joining you overseas. In case your ship, which shall sail, sails alas! I am happy to brief the settlement & offer the customary light fare that recruits expect in every buffet & bar on this side of the world. Alas!

1) There will be no fondling of hallowed topics on this radio show. It's either fuck them or get out of the way.
2) When I say "sit still," I mean "sit still." When I say "look away," I mean, "panic!"
3) The importance of yard work - or the fretting about thereof - shall not be undersold.
4) Recently it has come to my attention that you require prerecorded cues to determine when you need to laugh. This is unacceptable.
5) However, subliminal sounds (which sound a lot like goats weeping) have been inserted into archived radio shows to help you know when you are supposed to be amused. Don't thank me all at once.
6) Fire breathing may seem hokey but it can totally mess your throat up.
7) Even metaphorically.
8) I was thinking about it, though, when you have fantasy movies or books or whatever & the graceful gallant knight is battling the wild, evil dragon, & the dragon roars & flame comes out of its mouth, that flame is basically the dragon's flammable spit. Am I right? Like, the spit has a chemical reaction to oxygen & turns to flame. If so, that's just gross.
9) Because, you know, human fire breathers have to put liquid into their mouths in order to blow fire. Human spit is not flammable. Not ever. Not even for people with Butt Breath.
10) Butt Breath cannot be detected on the radio, which may explain why so many people at KOOP have Butt Breath.
11) They know who they are.
12) It's getting so that your average meeting at KOOP, even when held at a fancy downtown eatery, smells like it's being held in the front restroom of the United States Diarrhea Club.
13) If you know what I mean.
14) On this radio show, we don't talk about body parts much.
15) On this blog, it's all butts & balls.
16) & saliva & blood.
17) & recalcitrance & woe.
18) Do not operate heavy machinery for a few hours after my show. This isn't because of something my show does to your brain - this is because it's Friday & you're supposed to be off work. & when you're off work, you drink. A lot. So don't operate heavy machinery when you're drunk. Duh.
19) Light machinery is fine.
20) Light machinery is machinery an eight-year-old girl can pick up & carry around for seven minutes.
21) Singing along is fine.
22) Sexing along is weird.
23) There is only one other thing to mention.
24) Why must you constantly change record labels?
25) I can't keep up with your reissues!

For more in an active sense, you can as of right now go to the selfhelpradio.net archive page & listen to last Friday's exciting & exacting episode. I will be over at your house later today to ask you how it made you feel. Make me scones.

Self Help Radio 062220: Shadows

(Original image here.)

Actually, I don't think I've ever seen the television show Dark Shadows.  It was a little before my time, & not something I ever saw in syndication when I was a kid.  & I would've loved it - I loved vampires & all kinds of spooky stuff back then.  Anyway, I was fucking with the comic book up there for this post & thought, "Why have I never seen Dark Shadows?"

The wife & I tossed around an idea for a bit for the show in which she's supposed to be a fan of Dark Shadows but what she really loves is What We Do In The Shadows.  But we couldn't think of anything too funny because, you see, neither of us had seen the former.  Mistaken identity is not funny in & of itself.

There were too many shadow songs to choose from but I did my best.  I couldn't find a place for some famous ones, like that Stones song, & I am sad I ran out of time for some newer stuff.  But whatever. Here's your shadow show.  I hope you like.

It's now at the Self Help Radio website.  Remember username/password SHR/selfhelp.  What happens on the show is below.

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Self Help Radio Shadows Show
"Why Do I Have A Shadow?" Dorothy Collins _Experiment Songs (From Ballads For The Age Of Science)_
"In The Shadows" Ups & Downs _Out Of The Darkness (Sleepless, Singles, & Other Stories)_
"Shadow" Blouse _Terminal Sales Vol. 4: Please To Enjoy_

introduction & definitions my Radio Dad interrupts!

"Shadow Woman" The Growlers _Natural Affair_
"Shadows" Yo La Tengo _I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One_
"Shadows" Malcolm Middleton _Waxing Gibbous_
"Shadow" The Primitives _Lovely_
"Shadowplay" Joy Division _Unknown Pleasures_

a letter is read on the air

"Shadowtime" Siouxsie & The Banshees _Superstition_
"Standing In The Shadows Of Love" The Four Tops _The Best Of Four Tops_
"The Shadow" Tanya Donelly _Beautysleep_
"Moonshadow" Cat Stevens _Teaser & The Firecat_
"Shadow" Teen _Good Fruit_

a discussion about shadow idioms my producer Fred interrupts!

"Only A Shadow" Cleaners From Venus _Midnight Cleaners_
"Shadow Of A Doubt" Sonic Youth _Evol_
"Shadowman" MomusMcClymont _MomusMcClymont_
"No Shade In Shadow" Kristin Hersh _Possible Dust Clouds_
"Shadows" Jean-Paul Sartre Experience _The Size Of Food_

a discussion about shadow idioms

"Shadows" Wagon Christ _Sorry I Make You Lush_
"Love In The Shadows" The Magnetic Fields _69 Love Songs_
"In The Shadows" Ivy _Realistic_
"Cast No Shadows" The Mekons _Journey To The End Of The Night_
"Under Streetlights Shadows" Rocketship _Thanks To You_

conclusion & goodbye

"Cast A Shadow" Beat Happening _Black Candy_
"Cast A Shadow" Coves _Soft Friday_
"Caught In My Shadow" The Wonder Stuff _Never Loved Elvis_
"Looking In The Shadows" The Raincoats _Looking In The Shadows_
"Complicated Shadows (Cashbox Version)" Elvis Costello & The Attractions _The Other End Of The Telescope_

Whither Shadows?

(By one of my favorite painters of shadows.  Found here.)

It's been a while - back before the plague - someone at Freeform asked me if I'd ever done a show about shadows.  I said, no.  Why not?  Because holy shit can you imagine how many songs there would be about shadows?  You should still do a show about shadows.  Okay, I will.

That person recently asked me at a meeting if I'd done the show about shadows yet.  I sheepishly said no.  But I felt really bad about it.  & I was thinking, oh no, we're going to have to make small talk again at another Zoom meeting & I'm going to be asked if I've made a show about shadows yet so damn it I'd better make a show about shadows.

Four thousand songs later (rough estimate), there'll be a show about shadows.  It won't have your favorite song about shadows.  Sorry.  There were too many of them.  But there'll be plenty of songs about shadows.  Maybe a new favorite song about shadows.

To think.  I'm doing this to not be embarrassed at a Zoom meeting!

Tomorrow.  Self Help Radio dot net.  That's all.

Preface To Shadows: Shadow Play

According to the Wikipedia: "Shadow play, also known as shadow puppetry, is an ancient form of storytelling & entertainment which uses flat articulated cut-out figures (shadow puppets) which are held between a source of light & a translucent screen or scrim. The cut-out shapes of the puppets sometimes include translucent color or other types of detailing. Various effects can be achieved by moving both the puppets & the light source. A talented puppeteer can make the figures appear to walk, dance, fight, nod, & laugh."

Oh no, says the reader.  He reads Wikipedia to us on the radio, now he's reading it to us on his blog?!?!

Fear not, dear reader!  I am not going to copy anything more from the Wikipedia to-day!

Holy shit, thinks the reader.  He can hear me?!?

Of course I can!  Anyone who writes a blog can read the mind of any reader, should they choose to do so.  More popular blogs, of course, disable this feature.  But frankly, you're the first person to read this blog in - well, it's been a few weeks - so naturally I can hear your thoughts.

That's disturbing, says the reader out loud to the computer.

Maybe not talk to your computer or else people will think you're crazy.

Sorry, thinks the reader.

Not a problem.  I'm glad you're here!

Thanks, says the reader.

Can I talk to you about shadow play?

Ordinarily that would be great, says the reader.  But now isn't a good time.

It's the best time!  I have visual aids!

Speaking of time, gosh! thinks the reader, is it really this late already?

Oh come on!  You're here already!

Did you hear that? asks the reader.

Did I hear what?

Oh dear, that's my phone, says the reader.

That's not a phone!  You're lying to me!

Seriously, I have to take this, lies the reader.  Hello?

Don't stop reading the blog!  Then I can no longer hear your thoughts!

Bummer.

Wait, is that someone else?  Someone who wants to hear about shadow play?  I probably won't talk about it on the show this week, I won't have the time.  Is anyone there?  Hello?  Hello?

Back On The Schedule?

There was a meeting this week online for folks at Freeform helping out with the automation - I am one of those folks - & it was casually mentioned that we'll start scheduling shows - prerecorded - into their old timeslots starting - can it be true? - June 29th.  That's a Monday.  That's when Self Help Radio is scheduled to air.

Am I ready for this?  Oh no.  Will I make sure I'm ready for this?  Oh yes.

There's a complication - someone (poor soul) will need to "review" the show (listen to it) to make sure there aren't any FCC violations.  You might say, "But Gary!  You've been making radio for nearly seven hundred years, how in the world could you let a bad word slip through?"

First, it's only been six hundred years.  & second, everyone makes mistakes.  Live, you can hit the dump button.  (But what's a dump button?  Read all about it.)  Not so with prerecords.  & let me tell you, there have been a lot of bad words on many noncommercial stations during this time.  Not from me!  I hope.

What were we talking about?  Oh yeah, the review process.  To make it easy on the reviewers, shows must be submitted no later than 72 hours (three days) in advance.  Which means I need to have my show done (doing the math in my head) by Friday mornings at eight.

Am I ready for that?  Fuck no.  Will I be ready?  I guess.

Ah, but will it happen?  I am planning as though it will.  & I'm excited about it, too!

(There will be Self Help Radio on KBOO Tuesday morning at midnight as well, which is super cool, but those shows will be re-runs of a sort - done live by remote - of previously finished shows.  Still - I'm excited about that, too.)

June 18, 2019

Look, I find it unseemly to revisit these old blog posts, but it seems exceedingly unseemly to repost something from one year ago.  & yet, I find myself sharing once again my ridiculous list of the entire fifty ways Paul Simon meant to share of "ways to leave your lover."  Am I proud of this?  Oh no.  Don't leave your lover in this way.  For fuck's sake.

----

On this past week's show, I read from a recently-unearthed lyrics sheet by Paul Simon which included all fifty ways he envisioned to "leave your lover."  Simon had intended to record a masterpiece in which he could share this musically, but his unerring pop instincts also told him if he simply included a few of the fifty ways, he could have a hit single, which is of course what happened.  There was a great deal of cocaine involved, & he never got around to going back into the studio to record the full lyrics, but, as I said, I have a copy, & I share them with you.  You can sing them out loud if you'd like.

Here are the (numbered) fifty ways that Paul Simon believed you could leave your lover.  The first five are familiar to you from the single:

01. Just slip out the back, Jack.
02. Make a new plan, Stan.
03. You don't need to be coy, Roy.
04. Hop on the bus, Gus.
05. Just drop off the key, Lee.

Here are the rest:

06. Don't go back again, Ken.
07. Try not to be a jerk, Kirk.
08. Maybe give one last kiss, Chris.
09. Leave her in your will, Bill.
10. Don't let yourself get sad, Chad.
11. Just pretend she's gone, John.
12. Act aloof & chilly, Willie
13. Make her think you're dead, Ted.
14. Relocate to Samoa, Noah.
15. Ditch her at baggage claim, James.
16. Learn the proper way to hasten, Jason.
17. Maybe use a motorcycle, Michael.
18. Or just any kind of bike, Mike.
19. Stop having so much sex, Rex.
20. Start acting Elizabethan, Ethan.
21. Replace with a cocker spaniel, Daniel.
22. Get a little fat, Matt
23. Just try to be frank, Hank.
24. Don't start a riot, Wyatt.
25. Act like a rogue knave, Dave.
26. Beg, borrow, or barter, Carter.
27. Replace her with a maiden, Jayden.
28. Don't say where you're going, Owen.
29. Make sure you're ready & willing, Dylan.
30. Be honest what you like, Ike.
31. Break all the rules, Jules.
32. Say you're brainwashed, Josh.
33. Find something else to do, Drew.
34. Just start lying, Ryan.
35. Life's not gonna wait, Nate.
36. Tell her your barren, Darren.
37. Try to stay calm, Tom.
38. Wish her the best of luck, Chuck.
39. Tell her you're a goner, Connor.
40. Explain that you're not ready, Eddie.
41. Consume too much brandy, Andy.
42. Show her that you're a snob, Bob.
43. Act like you're too sick, Nick.
44. Get thrown out like the trash, Ash.
45. Change into a madame, Adam.
46. Keep acting like a freak, Zeke.
47. Do it face-to-face, Chase.
48. Talk to a lawyer, Sawyer.
49. There's no one left to convince, Vince.
& finally:
50. Just fucking leave, Steve.

Self Help Radio 061520: Masks

(Original image here.)

Here's this week's show, about masks, which is dated June 15, but it's obviously June 16, I am increasingly unable to manage my time well, & sadly this poor show is paying the price.  In my defense, I think it's a fine show, not only because it's a great theme - suggested by Jenny, who also provided a song for the show - but because I spent a little more time on it than I might have if I had had a deadline.  Although today was the deadline & in typical fashion, I'm cutting it very, very close.

Still, if you listen, listen for Jenny's song & for the interviews - my funny friends are very, very funny on today's show.  I simply got out of their way & they were great.  Please enjoy that.

The show is at the Self Help Radio website.  Please remember there's a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) which you'll need to listen.  The details of the show are below.

Should you wear a mask while listening?  It's highly recommended.

Self Help Radio Masks Show
"Mask" Bauhaus _Mask_
"Mask" The Nits _Adieu, Sweet Bahnhof_
"Mask" Daniel Johnston & Beam _Beam Me Up!_

introduction & definitions

"The Mask" The Live Wires _Die Today_
"Mask" The Contrast _Perfect Disguise: Introducing The Contrast_
"Mask" Us & Us Only _Bored Crusader_
"The Mask" Fugees _The Score_
"My Mask" Jenny Adkins _My Mask_

interview with my youngest friends Alyssa & Jason

"Animal Mask" The Mountain Goats _Beat The Champ_
"Masks Of Bebko" Momus _Glyptothek_
"Zulu Death Mask" Deadbolt _Zulu Death Mask_
"Sleeping With Your Devil Mask" Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians _Globe Of Frogs_
"The Man In The Iron Mask" Billy Bragg _Life's A Riot With Spy Vs Spy_ (Yep Roc, 2006)

interview with masquerade musician Delbert Disguise

"Masquerade" The Fall _Levitate_
"Masquerade" The Celebration _Junkman_
"Life Is A Masquerade Party" Amuzement Park Band _All Points Bulletin_
"(I'm Afraid) The Masquerade Is Over" Clyde McPhatter _Rhythm & Soul (1959-1965)_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"The Masked Man" Eddy Bell _Mercury Rock & Roll Party_
"I Am Gonna Unmask The Batman" Sun Ra & His Astro-Galactic Infinity Arkestra _The Singles_
"Mask Off" Al Wood & The Wanderers _My Lady Chou Coumme_
"Sleep Mask" Omni _Networker_
"Alien With A Sleep Mask On" Ratboys _Printer's Devil_

Self Help Radio craft time Elliot Kliffnerd calls

"Behind The Mask" Yellow Magic Orchestra _Solid State Survivor_
"What's Behind The Mask" The Cramps _Songs The Lord Taught Us_
"Under The Mask Of Happiness" Graham Parker _The Mona Lisa's Sister_
"Lover's Mask" Damien Youth _Festival Of Death_

conclusion & goodbye

"The Blue Mask" Lou Reed _The Blue Mask_ (RCA Records, 1998)

Whither Masks?

(Image from here.)

At this point - at this late in the day - at the very least - should I just say that Self Help Radio has new episodes on Tuesdays?  Because I have to prepare a whole other show tomorrow - which will air live at midnight - & there ain't no way I'm going to finish this week's Self Help Radio by then.  I'm sorry.  There are many excuses & here's one of them: we walk our dogs twice daily.

That may not sound crazy to you, but our dog walks usually take between an hour & ninety minutes each.  We walk somewhere between a mile & two miles each walk, & one of our dogs, our sweet Winston, is old & quite slow.  The walks I might add are very pleasurable but that's three hours a day on dog walks.  Can't make a radio show during that time.

& by the way, you might think, "Whoa, you spend an eighth of your day walking your dogs?"  But what if I put it this way: assuming I sleep eight hours a day (which I generally don't), then I actually spend around one-fifth of my waking hours walking our dogs.  Sure, my doctor says it's kept me from turning into a high cholesterol-smelling diabetic flesh hump unable to move from my computer, but it's been terrible for radio shows.

Which I should be talking about instead of this.  Hey!  A show about masks!  That seems pretty timely, right?  Then it almost certainly wasn't my idea.  No, this was a suggestion by Jenny.  I hope she can wait till Tuesday, as I probably won't finish it tonight.

Tomorrow?  Tuesday?  Whenever?  It'll happen at Self Help Radio dot net.

Yes, of course, I love my dogs & the walks are to keep them healthy & happy.  & oh yeah I could work on the shows on days before the days that they're due.  It's truly my bad work habits that are to blame, not my beautiful pooches.  Shame on me!  Shame on me!

Preface To Masks: Outlaws All

Yee haw.  I'm an outlaw.  I'm a bandit.  Mainly in my own head.  But now?  I get to wear a mask wherever I go!

Not like a Halloween mask, you understand.  Not a Spider-Man mask or Batman cowl.  Nope, the sort of mask that outlaws in Westerns wear, or that bank robbers wear when they step into the bank ready to rob it.  Although some of them do enjoy wearing full-head masks, especially those of presidents for some reason.  That's not the kind of mask I'm wearing!

& you know it's not just me!  It's a lot of folks.  Some folks aren't, of course, because they have some point to prove.  Maybe it makes them feel like outlaws too?  "When masks are required, only outlaws don't wear masks."  I think somebody famous said that.

So we're all feeling like outlaws!  Those of us who just feel like it because we're wearing masks, & those others who are kind of awful & selfish who think they're protesting some injustice done to them.

How can we all be outlaws?  Maybe masks don't make someone an outlaw.  But outlaws wear masks!  Without the mask, I'm just someone who's more likely to not only catch a deadly virus but also spread it to someone else if I've got it but am asymptomatic.

Also, my wife bought me a mask with a neat kind of design on it, which is attractive but of course if I were a real outlaw it would be used to identify me to the law.

Honestly, I feel less & less like an outlaw now.  Dang it!  Why do I think things through?  Nothing good ever comes of it.

The Dickenbock Report (Episode 14)

Tonight, I put the playlist & a link to a recording of the show I did a week or two ago, The Dickenbock Report, on the Self Help Radio website.  It feels like I've been doing this forever but in fact it was only the fourteenth episode.  The show happened on International Sex Workers Day & so has many, many songs about that business, focusing primarily on prostitution.  A fun time guaranteed for all.

This was a show I did - the first actually - live from my little computer at home.  & as such it begins awkwardly.  Unfamiliar with the program (called Mixxx, which makes it seem like it's related to porn) I promptly accidentally slowed down the backing track during my first airbreak.  But wait, it gets better.  If you choose to listen to the first part of the show, you'll find that first airbreak a bit awkward.  That's because Mixxx for some reason delays its broadcast of my voice by a fraction of a second, so when I am listening to myself during the airbreaks - a standard radio model - it's on a delay, & I slow my vocals down to compensate.  It's very, very annoying.

Since it was my first live show, it took me a while to figure everything out.  But otherwise it went without a hitch.  I think.  I was very, very nervous.

In any event.  I think I learned something.  I learned I liked broadcasting live from my home.  I would rather be in the studio, sure.  But absent that - live is the way to go.

Also I learned not to listen to myself during airbreaks.  At least not from home.  That delay just totally fucks me up.

The show is at the Self Help Radio website, right under this past week's SHR.  Listen to it if you must, but, please, be kind.

June 11, 2015

In early summer 2015, I did a Self Help Radio show with the theme "fight."  As someone who hasn't been in an actual physical fight in decades - & was barely in any before that - I was not an expert on at least that aspect of the theme.  Here's what I wrote in that blog about a recent non-confrontation.  I confess, five years later, I have no memory of the incident - just a memory of reading the memory now.

Preface To Fight: Non-Confrontational Guy

One imagines that I could take an assertive class if I wanted to.  One also imagines that I might not pass it.  Because I just hate confrontation.

It's absurd - because it causes me all kinds of personal anguish - but I generally expect people to act as decently as I would.  I know.

I've learned to accept that drivers will cut me off; that people who imagine their time more valuable than everyone else's will cut in line; that in general the average person will default to rude for whatever reason.  But the great disappointment is when you're part of some community - it might be a job, it might be a volunteer organization like, oh, let's say, a non-commercial radio station - & someone there is inexplicably rude & douche-y.  It shouldn't happen - but of course the same people who are aggressive asswipes or thoughtless fuckwads in the rest of the world inhabit those places too.

I'm thinking about something that happened recently.  I subbed a show while a person at the radio station was working on the new studio.  I understood he had to be there - he was essential to the operation of the station, troubleshooting everything so we could broadcast without problems where we'll be for a couple of years plus.

This person boasted to me that he'd been working in radio for nearly three decades.  & I had no problem with him wandering around, using a drill & other instruments, picking things up, putting them down, while I was playing music.  But - listen - if you're ever in a deejay booth & the sound disappears & the deejay is about to go on the mic, you will stand very quietly, if you have any experience in a radio station, while the deejay talks.  You know any noise you make might go out over the air.

If you have any experience in a radio station.  Well, not this guy.  With nearly three decades in radio.  He proceeded to wander around the deejay booth, including several times walking behind me, occasionally bumping me, whenever I went on the air.

But did I say anything?  Of course not!  What good would it have done?  What if I my tone of voice somehow offended him?  I just suffered through those two hours while he puttered around & did his job, making my job a lot more difficult.

Maybe I should take one of those assertive classes after all.

Self Help Radio 060820: Cups

(One of the last of the old Self Help Radio coffee cups, sitting lonesome on a high shelf.)

At last!  Here it is!  The Self Help Radio show about cups!  I said I'd have it done on Tuesday & even though it's late on a Tuesday it's still Tuesday damn it!

The truth is, I had a lot of fun making the show, & because there wasn't a deadline per se, I kinda spent too long on editing & choosing music & - well, if you listen, you'll hear.  I made it a mission to find interesting audio snippets about cups to put throughout the show.  I didn't even get to use them all, that's how much time I wasted on that pursuit.

One day soon Freeform will air SHR at a specific time & I'll have to get my act together & make a show for a deadline but for now - sorry it's late!  Maybe you'll enjoy it!  I think I would, if I ever, you know, went back & listened to my shows.  Which oh gods!  I could never.

But you can.  Now at Self Help Radio dot net.  It's a bit over two hours long, the details are below, & remember the password is SHR & the username is selfhelp.  Honestly if you don't know it by now, I can't do more but say it over & over.

What I was going to say is "I raise my cup to you" but I'm drinking out of a can right now so...  Oh well.

Self Help Radio Cups Show
"Morning Cup" Cranebuilders _You're Song_
"My Cup Is Full" Disciples Of Shaftesbury _Never Ever Land (83 Texan Nuggets From International Artists Records 1965-1970)_
"Cup To The Wall" Satisfact _Project: Echo_

introduction & definitions

"Cup" Bilders _Pyx (1985-1988)_
"Cup 'O Bang Bang" Dressy Bessy _Kingsized_
"Diamonds In Cups" Wire _Silver/Lead_
"Cup" Distractor _This Time I Got It Figured Out_
"Loving Cup" The Fortunes _The Singles_

definitions

"One Cup Of Happiness (& One Peace Of Mind)" Dean Martin _Dino: The Golden Years_
"Measuring Cups" Andrew Bird _Andrew Bird & The Mysterious Production Of Eggs_
"Paper Cup" The 5th Dimension _The Essential 5th Dimension_
"Brother, My Cup Is Empty" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Henry's Dream_
"That's My Cup Blues" Katie Crippen _The Rise & Fall Of Paramount Records, Vol. 1: 1917-1927_

interview with cup collector Runneth Over

"Coffee Cup" Langhorne Slim & The Law _The Way We Move_
"The Mixed Up Cup" Clyde McPhatter _Please Give Me One More Chance: His Last Recordings 1968-1970_
"Serve Yourself A Cup Of Happiness" The Monitors _Say You! The Motown Anthology 1963-1968_
"Little Cup" Mirah _Sundial_
"Paper Cup" Louise Burns _Mellow Drama_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"An Empty Cup" Roy Orbison & The Teen Kings _Orbison 1955-1965_
"Gold Cup" Dudley Duncan _Don't Do It: The Smash Records Story_
"Loving Cup" The Rolling Stones _Exile On Main St._
"My Cup Runneth Over" Billy Eckstine _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 9: 1969_
"Cupful Of Change" Nikki Sudden & The Jacobites _Dead Men Tell No Tales_

conclusion & goodbye

"Paper Cup Exit" Sonic Youth _Sonic Nurse_
"Nature's Cup" Free Time _Free Time_
"Tears In Your Cup" Cats On Fire _Our Temperance Movement_
"Sidney In A Cup" Mouse On Mars _Dimensional People_
"Paper Cup" Real Estate _The Main Thing_

Whither Cups?

(Image from here.)

Let me, a person with a radio show, present you with a broken record: there probably won't be a new Self Help Radio tomorrow.  Other things - including the horrible shit going down in this country & the reactions to it, which have been in many cases inspiring & uplifting - have made it hard to concentrate.  I will have the show done sometime Tuesday for sure, but there's the slimmest of chances it'll be done tomorrow so I'm writing about this today.

Someone did ask me, "Why a show about cups?"  Someone else said to me that they liked that The Dickenbock Report is generally about a theme because it's that theme's day, or because it's someone's birthday, or because it refers to an event that happened that day.  Self Help Radio, they noted, is not like that.  The themes don't really have anything to do with anything other than the fact that they're that week's theme.  & that person was right.  It's sometimes hard to explore a theme if it has to have a real-word analog.  I would probably be constantly re-doing themes if that were the case.  Although I am certain there's a "national cup day" some time.

But back to what that first person asked: "Why a show about cups?"  This is a dumb reason, but above me, in my little room where I have my records, CDs, computer, & other crap, there's a built-in shelf.  On that shelf either I or my wife decided to store my old radio coffee cups there.  I have one from KTSB days, one from RFL, a Kurt Vonnegut cup someone gave me, two old Self Help Radio mugs, & a KNON pint glass.  When I am leaning back in my chair, I sometimes glance up & see them.  & I think, "Cups."

That's the kind of subliminal inspiration I get for Self Help Radio shows.

So - maybe a new episode tomorrow?  But get this: if there is a new episode Tuesday, it will be preceded by two old episodes.  That's right!  From midnight to 3am on KBOO, I'll present two previously unaired Self Help Radio shows (edited to ninety minutes each) in the space where The Dickenbock Report airs on the 1st & 3rd Tuesdays.  That's the KBOO premiere of Self Help Radio!  I'm working on editing those shows as we speak, which gets in the way of making the new show, which should be a priority, but I'm excited because I get to do Self Help Radio live Tuesday morning, from my room of course.  The room with the cups.

The episode will happen on Self Help Radio dot net sooner than later.  I promise.  The KBOO episodes will definitely happen sooner.  It's too exciting for me, & it feels weird since the world is going you know to hell.