Preface To Shyness: Two Stories About How Shy I Am

For the purposes of these tales, I suppose I am conflating shyness with introversion.  That may be wrong.  According to this article, "Shyness & introversion are not the same thing. Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, & introversion is a preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments."  I don't know if I entirely agree - in my life those two things have coincided.

For some reason, I was a very shy kid, but only around strangers.  If I knew someone, I would warm up & even be ridiculously loud.  But certain things terrified me, & one of them in particular was cold-calling someone on the phone.  Especially to do something like order pizza.

My mother worked nights often at a convenience store, & although we were ostensibly watched by my younger sister (six years older than I) (she was still living at home), she was often out with her friends, underage drinking & getting high & what-not.  My mother didn't ask her to cook for us, & in fact we would be often required to fend for ourselves, either to walk to a nearby grocery store (a Minyard's) to get something in a can, or, when a Domino's opened nearby, to call for pizza delivery.

Most kids I would imagine would love to call to order pizza - I'm certain it's something we play-acted doing when we were younger.  But my little brother & I would fight over calling for a pizza - & the loser of the fight would have to call.

At some point, I got exhausted by always having to struggle to get these simple tasks done, so I eventually just learned to be the mouthpiece for the two of us.  I went to the counter, I called whomever, I asked the person who worked wherever where things were.  In a sense, that's what's made me less introverted & what's kept my little brother more or less the same quiet person he was when he was a kid.

But I do remember the first time I had to stand up & speak at a meeting at KVRX.  My legs started to tremble.  I don't really think I've gotten much better.

The second story does more involve introversion than shyness, although I do think my shyness is involved.  I dated for a time a woman who was very outgoing, who loved dinner parties & that sort of thing.  She had other introverts as friends so said she understood when I didn't want to tag along, but she assumed that I also had zero social skills.  When I finally joined her at some gathering, she was shocked to see me be friendly & chatty & otherwise the opposite of miserable.  I told her, "Don't mistake being anti-social because I prefer to be alone with being anti-social because I'm socially awkward."

But thinking about it, my earlier experiences with my little brother - just being so tired about every human interaction needing a fight to precipitate it - & frankly, when I bested him, my little brother was always so bad at those interactions because he was really quite shy - it made me develop some kinds of social skills he probably never did.  As far as I know.

The most obvious time my shyness is in view these days is when I am walking my dogs by myself.  I listen to music & desperate hope I don't have to talk to other dog walkers or strangers or people who want to meet my dogs.  I have what I imagine is an obviously fake smile I give to people which I hope warns them away.  My dogs, however, aren't shy at all.  Assholes.

Today I Rode A Tram Through The City

It's true.  & walked across a bridge.  & ate lemon ice cream.  & drove to a pizza place after it had closed because my wife left her phone there & when she realized it, she did some "Find Your Phone" magic that made the phone tell whoever had it to call me.

We had friends in town from Texas.  That makes four times we've had visitors in the two or so months we've been here.  In Fort Worth, we had visitors the same amount - one friend from Kentucky & two from Austin - & they came for a visit twice.  That's in three years.

By the way, I have family in the D/FW metroplex.  A mother, a sister, three brothers, two sisters-in-law, one brother-in-law, & a slew of nieces, nephews, & three children I think of nieces & nephews.  Of that amazing extended family, only one of them - a nephew - visited us in Fort Worth.  My mother didn't even visit us!

I very much doubt any member of my family will visit us here, but I do imagine other friends will find their way to this lovely city & we'll be here to hang out if they want.  We ate so much food today.  We ate too much food today.

Tomorrow night, another Freeform Portland sub show.  Friday, another Self Help Radio.  Now, sleep.

It Was A Nice Day

This is perhaps a new thing I can say: I volunteered at three different radio stations in a twenty-four hour period.  & I wonder why I am tired all time.

Seriously, I am tired all the time, & I never do anything.  Should I see a professional?

Yes, I attended a meeting at one station on Sunday night at 4pm, I worked for the music library of a different radio station today at 2pm, & went to work on similar stuff for a third station at 4:30pm.  That's a weird kind of achievement, yeah?

It was probably more than all that & I feel like I am finally finding things I can help with here in town.  Whether any of that leads to me getting to do Self Help Radio on a local station is another matter.  But!  I love helping out.

Is there enough time tonight to binge the last season of Orange Is The New Black?  Is that why I'm tired all the time?

Self Help Radio 072619: Mine! All Mine!

This show is hella late.  The fault is mine - all mine.

There's not much to say.  Go listen, if you've been waiting for it.  I need to nap.

The show is at Self Help Radio dot net, & you'll need a password (try "selfhelp") & a username (try "SHR") (don't use the parentheses).  What you'll hear is below.

Yes.  I take all responsibility.

Self Help Radio Mine! All Mine! Show

"She's Mine All Mine" Blacktop _I Got A Baaad Feelin' About This_
"When You Were Mine" Allo, Darlin' _Capricornia_
"(I Can't Seem To) Make You Mine" The Clientele _Strange Geometry_

introduction

"Is He Really Mine" Dream Diary _You Are The Beat_
"Mine" The Aquadolls _Stoked On You_
"Make Her Mine" Hipster Image _The Mod Scene_
"Be Mine Tonight" Lloyd Williams _Searching For Soul_
"Mine All Mine" Anna Oxygen _All Your Faded Things_

interview with storage space owner Ernest Froelich

"Can't Seem To Make You Mine" Alex Chilton _19 Years: A Collection Of Alex Chilton_
"When U Were Mine" Ida _Poor Dumb Bird_
"She Is Mine" The Psychedelic Furs _Talk Talk Talk_
"Gotta Make You Mine" Velvet Crest _Gotta Make You Mine_
"Till You Say You'll Be Mine" The Primitives _Echoes & Rhymes_

interview with sociologist Mesa Rob

"I Me Mine" The Beatles _Let It Be_
"Make You Mine" The Drums _Summertime!_
"Sort Of Mine" Heavenly _Le Jardin De Heavenly_
"If You Were Mine" Billie Holiday _The Quintessential Billie Holiday, Vol. 1: 1933 - 1935_
"I Wish You Were Mine" T-Bone Walker _The Original Source_

discussion of Gary's radio adventures
phone call by lawyer Bobcat Sloan

"Mine All Mine" Jimmy Wakely _The History Of Country & Western Music, Vol. 15 (1948)_
"He's Mine" The Platters _Enchanted: The Best Of The Platters_
"Click & You're Mine" Miss World _Waist Management EP_
"Be Mine" Burnt Palms _Back On My Wall_
"That Boy Is Mine" The School _Reading Too Much Into Things Like Everything_

discussion of Gary's radio adventures

"Mine Mine Mind" Roky Erickson & The Aliens _The Evil One_
"She's Mine" The Frowning Clouds _Listen Closelier_
"Tell Me That You're Mine" This Happy Breed _Woosh! Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_
"She Was Mine" The Beaux Jens _Scream Loud!!! The Fenton Story_
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Rainy Day _Rainy Day_

conclusion & goodbye

"Mine" The Ramonalisas _Wintersliding_
"You Were Mine" The Hit Parade _More Pop Songs_

Whither Mine! All Mine!?

(I forgot where I downloaded this old jpg, sorry!)

Another damn show with too many songs.  I beg your indulgence if I don't play the first one that pops into your head - or the second one - or the ninth one.  There. are. too. many. songs. that. fit. this. theme.

Perhaps I should've thought of "be mine."  Or "he's mine."  Or "make you mine."  Or something else more specific.  Alas, hindsight is a dish best served cold.  Hmm.  That didn't make any sense.  I blame it on my new floss.  It's tough but fair.

There's nothing more to day, as I have seventeen more hours of songs to listen to.  Just wanted to remind you the show will happen I really hope around noon tomorrow, Friday, July 26, over at Self Help Radio dot net.  It'll be mine, & then it'll be yours.  & then you'll want to return it.

Preface To Mine! All Mine!: The Wednesday That Time Forswore

This evening I took a spinach sesame noodle casserole over to the neighbors for what I was told was a "block party" but it was just the wife & me & some neighbors who liked each other.  The people across the street weren't invited & neither were the youngsters who, our next-door neighbor said, deal drugs!  

It was otherwise fun but I drank a lot of wine & need to get to sleep.  So forgive me for this brief posting.  The day was not mine.

Primary Care

Today I had my first doctor's appointment in Portland.  Nothing's wrong, I just like to have a doctor.  It seems so strange because, while technically we had a doctor when I was a kid, he was mainly there to get drugs without a prescription (we were quite poor) & for emergencies.  He was very fond of my mother & my sister Pat & seemed a kind soul.  His name was George Molhusen & although I can't find any reports online, my sister told me he died in a house fire after rescuing both his wife & his dog.  He was 79 years old.

Anyway, I think my first real doctor was a fellow who didn't give a shit about me in Kentucky.  I saw him every six months & I don't think he remembered me once.  He remains the first man ever to penetrate me anally, albeit with his finger, & I hope he remembers that act as fondly as I do.

We had a great GP in Fort Worth, one of the five best things about my time there.  She was very kind, very supportive, & she hugged me goodbye when I said we were moving.  I think I actually was healthier when I moved than when I first saw her.  She liked horses.

This doctor today was fine & dropped the s-bomb in my presence, which I approve of.  But later on - after both a urine sample was given & blood was drawn - I discovered the wife had misunderstood the insurance information & this doctor isn't in our network, or whatever that language is.  So I probably won't see her again.

All that blood!  All that urine!  I hope I'm all right.  Will I ever know?  Ah well.  I have another appointment scheduled for September.  Hopefully this one will be in network.

First Freeform Portland Sub Show

On Saturday night/Sunday morning, I subbed my first show on KFFP, better known as Freeform Portland, the low-power FM here in town.  It's a wonderful place, & I am glad to be involved, even if I probably didn't do a show exactly like the one I subbed.  I basically did me.  That's always a dodgy proposition.

You can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website if you'd like.  What I played is below.  I celebrated a few birthdays, I talked to myself in the middle of the night, & some people walked the streets below me.  It was fine.

Remember: password is selfhelp, username is SHR.

Basement Boogie Sub Show 

"It's Not Explained, It's Delaware" Tullycraft _The Railway Prince Hotel_
"Happiness Is A Warm Gun (Take 19)" The Beatles _The Beatles (White Album) [Deluxe]_
"Innocence" The Other Two _The Other Two & You_

"The Trip" Kim Fowley _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_
"The Boy Is A Tramp" Crocodiles _Boys_
"1972" Broken Social Scene _Let's Try The After_
"Heavens Above" The Pastels _Heavens Above_
"Tanto" Sessa _Grandeza_

"Kindergarten Of The Stars/A Touch Of Fairfax" Robin Williams _Reality... What A Concept_
"Love Insane" Dif Juz _Extractions_
"Beguine" Olivia Neutron-John _Olivia Neutron-John_
"Bashibazouks" Momus _Scobberlotchers_
"Aus Birgittes Tagebuch" Bangkok Impact _Lektroluv 5_

"The Hurt" Cat Stevens _Foreigner_
"Half Life Crisis" Jim O'Rourke _Simple Songs_
"Anyways" Harlan _Anyways_
"Conesuela" Tyrannosaurus Rex _Prophets, Seers & Sages The Angels Of The Ages_
"Country Girl" Jacobites _Robespierre's Velvet Basement_

"Single Girl, Married Girl" The Carter Family _Anthology Of American Folk Music_
"Mandolin Boogie" The Armstrong Twins _The History Of Country & Western Music, Vol. 10 (1945-1946)_
"The Randall Knife" Steve Earle & The Dukes _Guy_
"Lonely" Tom Waits _Closing Time_
"Be Still" Robyn Hitchcock _Love From London_

"Dedication Not Medication" The Fall _Sub-Lingual Tablet_
"Where My Mind Goes" Apex Manor _Heartbreak Manor_
"Just Who Is The Five O'Clock Hero" The Jam _The Gift_
"Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat" Bob Dylan _Live 1966 (The "Royal Albert Hall" Concert)_
"Believe In Nothing" Peter Perrett _Humanworld_
"1-2-3" Professionals _I Didn't See It Coming_

Self Help Radio 071919: Voices

(Original image here.)

So many voices on today's show!  & not just in song - there are four guests on today's show!  What a delight!  What a mess!

My voice is shot now, spending all that time talking & singing along.  I made need some special kind of tea.  Or alcohol.  Tea with alcohol?  Alcohol with a splash of tea?  This is the most accommodating café I've ever seen.

What else is there to say?  Save your voice, listen to this show instead.  Tons of songs, a voice coach, a voice actor, a spiritual mentor, & a surgeon.  It'll make you hoarse in some way.  Maybe just mentally.

It's now at the Self Help Radio website, & once there you'll need a username (which is SHR) & a password (which is selfhelp) to access.  What you'll hear - including the interviews, is below.

Life up every voice & listen!

Self Help Radio Voice Show

"The Voice" Ultravox _Rage In Eden_
"V.O.I.C.E." Poeme Electronique _The Echoes Fade_
"The Voice" Boys Next Door _Door, Door_

introduction & definitions

"Voice" Sacred Paws _Strike A Match_
"Voices" The Cavalcade _Many Moons_
"Voices" Sunscreen _Just A Drop EP_
"Voices, That's All" Chumbawamba _ABCDEFG_
"New York Voices" George Carlin _Occupation: Foole_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Hearing Voices" Galaxie 500 _This Is Our Music_
"I Hear Voices" Screamin' Jay Hawkins _I Hate CDs: Norton Records 45 RPM Singles Collection, Vol. 1_
"She's Hearing Voices" Bloc Party _Silent Alarm_
"Golden Voice Announcer's School" Gary Owens _Put Your Head On My Finger_
"Voices Inside My Head" The Police _Zenyatta Mondatta_

interview with cosmetic voice surgeon Dr. Herbert Humekake

"Other Voices" The Cure _Faith_
"My Other Voice" Sparks _No. 1 In Heaven_
"The Voice In My Head" Aaron Aryanpur _In Spite Of_
"Sacred Voices" Red Letters _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_
"The Hidden Voice" TV21 _Something's Wrong_

interview with voice coach Dr Jacob Melodious

"Information In The Voice" Malcolm Middleton _Summer Of '13_
"Voice Yr Choice" The Go! Team _Rolling Blackouts_
"Voices Inside (Everything Is Everything)" Donny Hathaway _Everything Is Everything_
"Little Voice" Ashby _Looks Like You've Already Won_
"Now Your Smile Comes Over In Your Voice" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_

interview with aspiring voice actor & cousin, Larry
+ goodbye!

"Voice From The Mountain" Nick Drake _Time Of No Reply_

Whither Voices?

(Image from a website explaining how the voice works.)

It seems unfair, to me, that you get to hear my voice all the time & I never get to hear yours.  It would be so cool if you'd record yourself talking about one of my dumb themes & I could play it on the show.  What do you sound like?  I have no idea.

A few months ago - maybe before we left Texas - I started thinking about a show about voices.  It started out as a purely acapella show - but that proved a little difficult.  Maybe one day.  I discovered there were lots of songs that purport to be about voices, & that settled it: the path of least resistance, songs about voices.

Turns out there are hella songs about voices.  So much so that I could easily do a three-hour show.  I'm not going to - no one needs to hear my voice that long - but I could.  There are so many songs, though, I'm afraid I might not make it by noon tomorrow.  But I will try!

Noon tomorrow.  Self Help Radio dot net.  The next time you'll hear my voice.  Hopefully not the last.

Preface To Voices: The Voice I Will Hear Tonight

(Image from here.)

Not only the voice - I'll get to see him, too!  In a couple of hours, I'm heading to my first Portland comedy experience - which also happens to be my first Portland comedy festival experience, as it's the first night of the Portland Queer Comedy Festival as well - seeing the great Scott Thompson of The Kids In The Hall as his character Buddy Cole.

This is true: I wouldn't have found out about the show if I hadn't gone Saturday to be trained at yet another station in town.  That makes three I am involved with.  More about that soon.

But for now!  Off to see the great man!

Toothiness

Today I had my teeth cleaned for the second time in three months.  It reminded me of another dental story.  Here is that story:

When we lived in Huntington, West Virginia, we looked for a dentist a few weeks after arriving because we believe in dental care.  Friends - a couple the wife met through academic colleagues - recommended a dentist within walking distance of our house.  That was cool.  We went there, & I luckily didn't need any work, but the wife needed to have a filling replaced.  That wasn't fun.

A year later, after we had moved to Lexington, Kentucky, the wife began experiencing pain when the replaced filling was.  She went to a different dentist & discovered the Huntington dentist had simply done a terrible job, the filling was not properly done, & it had to be replaced.

The wife was furious.  She called her friends & told them about the experience.  They said, "Oh yeah, it's happened with us, too."

It was a quintessential West Virginia experience: she's not a very good dentist, but she's our dentist.

My experience today only somewhat reminded me of this story, & what happened was, even though three months have passed since my last cleaning, my mouth was a mess.  Without going into any detail, the hygienist did a marvelous job, making me reflect that if I were a masochist, I might specialize in the weird pain/pleasure sensation of someone scraping at your gums.  It also make me realize that our dentist in Fort Worth wasn't any good.

Afterwards the wife asked me if I liked the dentist.  (I did not like our dentist in Kentucky & after three visits I found another on my own.)  She was not only relieved when I said yes, we both were surprised our teeth were in such terrible shape.

This time, though, it was entirely our fault.  We picked a dentist in Fort Worth near the wife's work, which was convenient for both of us.  & he was very kind last year (or was it the year before) when I had to have a crown replacement.

But boy his hygienists were terrible.  I haven't had my teeth cleaned that well in ages.  I look forward to six months from now!

This is probably not very interesting but it's on my mind.  I should've written about some radio meetings I had this week.  Damn.  Okay, tomorrow.

Folk Espresso The Second Time

This morning I subbed Folk Espresso the second time.  I got one very nice call from a person who appreciated my style & what I played, but two negative calls - one is which the fellow simply yelled at me to shut up & play music & then hung up - & another which came after the positive call also suggesting I talk too much & also letting me know that "people don't give shit about birthdays" - a reference to me both playing musicians who have birthdays under my voice as well as playing songs by musicians who had a birthday today (Ian Curtis, Washboard Sam, Linda Ronstadt, & Roky Erickson).  It left me with a bad taste in my mouth & I probably won't sub the show again, mainly because I get the impression that the folks who listen to the show - to the 5:30 to 7 folk block every morning on KBOO - are people who have been listening a long, long time, & I think they'll be happiest with people they're familiar with - who apparently don't talk as much as I do.

It's weird to think of people who get angry at the radio & it's not talk radio, isn't it?

You can listen to the show here, if you want.  What I played is below.

"Katmandu" Cat Stevens _Mona Bone Jakon_
"Clever Songs" Four Eyes _I'd Rather Be Ghost Hunting_
"Losers Like Me & You" Erik Koskinen _Burning The Deal_

"Love Will Tear Us Apart" June Tabor With Oysterband _A Beginner's Guide To English Folk_
"Jubilee" Jake Xerxes Fussell _Out Of Sight_
"Wild Mountain Thyme" Judy Collins _Maid Of Constant Sorrow & Other Hits_
"The Wild Man Of The Sea" Elliott Morris _The Way Is Clear_
"I Drink" Mary Gauthier _Mercy Now_

"Bucket's Got A Hole In It" Washboard Sam _When The Sun Goes Down, Vol. 3: That's Chicago's South Side_
"Georgia" Aviva Le Fey _Lovesick_
"Ramblin' & Tumblin'" Spider John Koerner _Spider Blues_
"Highway Blue" Erin Durant _Islands_
"You're A Big Girl Now" Bob Dylan _Biograph_

"Walk Away Renee" Linda Ronstadt & Ann Savoy _Adieu False Heart_
"You Don't Love Me Yet" Roky Erickson _All That May Do My Rhyme_
"Summertime" Carolyn Hester _At Town Hall_
"The Long Game" Johnathan Rice _The Long Game_
"Heart Of Black" Gold Light + Snakemusk _Shadows In The Shallows_

"Ada & Asa" Jenny Adkins _Ada & Asa_
"Written In The Book" John Tams _The Reckoning_
"Heart Still Beats" Eva & The Vagabond Tales _Uncharted Ocean_

Self Help Radio 071219: All Day & All Night

(Original day & night images from here & here respectively.)

Finally! After a week! The "All Day & All Night" episode of Self Help Radio! It took two weeks but it's here!  Still, don't get your hopes up.  It's mainly the same old thing.

Here's something I didn't notice until I looked at the list of previously-explored themes on the Self Help Radio website: almost exactly ten years ago, I did a show with the theme All Night Long, & some songs from that playlist make their way onto this one.  But this show us more than "all night long"!  It's an all day show too!

Anyhow, you can listen all day & all night over at Self Help Radio dot net.  Do I need to remind you of the password (selfhelp) & the username (SHR)?  I do it every week.  What happens on the show is listed below.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep all day.

Self Help Radio All Night & All Day Show

"All Day & All Of The Night" The Kinks _Kinks_
"All Day All Night" Bob Marley & The Wailers _Catch A Fire_
"All Day All Night" And The Kids _Turn To Each Other_

introduction & a conversation with myself

"All Night Long" Roba Stanley _Banjo Pickin' Girl: Women In Early Country Music, Vol. 1 (1920-30s)_
"Ben Bland's All-Day Matinee, Part One" The Firesign Theatre _Just Folks... A Firesign Chat_
"You Can Tell Me All Night Long" Bill Fox _Shelter From The Smoke_
"Love You (All Day Long) (Alternate Mix)" Tommy Hoehn _Thank You Friends: The Ardent Records Story_
"Up All Night" The Boomtown Rats _Mondo Bongo_

interview with record breaker Abbas

"All Day Long" New Order _Brotherhood_
"All Night Party" A Certain Ratio _acr:box_
"Sigh, Inhibitionist (Come All Day With Me)" A Sunny Day In Glasgow _Autumn, Again_
"The All-Night Obituary Of The Air" Conception Corporation _Complete Conception_
"All Day" The Concretes _WYWH_

interview with mental health specialist Johann Fred Friedrich

"You Shook Me All Night Long" Cecilia Noel _Havana Rocks_
"All Day Long" Shop Assistants _Scared To Get Happy (A Story Of Indie-Pop 1980-1989)_
"All Night Party" Anne Clark _Changing Places_
"Up All Day" The Castaway Stones _Make Love To You_
"If It Takes All Night" Roxy Music _Country Life_

a trip into Self Help Radio's past
a phone call from lawyer Bobcat Sloan

"All Day Today" Hospitality _Hospitality_
"All Night Long" Headcoatees _Here Comes Cessation_
"Waiting All Day" Eric's Trip _Forever Again_
"Don't Take All Night" Nina Simone _Four Women: The Nina Simone Philips Recordings_
"Here All Day" Trembling Blue Stars _Alive To Every Smile_

conclusion & goodbye

"I Walked All Night" The Embers _El Primitivo: American Rock N Roll & Rockabilly_
"All Day Daylight" The Morning Benders _Big Echo_
"All Night Worker" Downliners Sect _The Definitive Downliners Sect Singles As & Bs_
"All Day Long" X-Teens _Love & Politics_
"All Night Long" The Palace Guard _The Palace Guard_
"All Day I'm Thinking Of You" Wolfie _Heavy Lady 7"_

Whither All Day & All Night?

(Image from here.)

Yes, there will be a show this week.  I'm feeling better & I have no other commitments besides getting the damn thing done.  I feel bad about flaking last week so I am working about 7% harder on this show than usual.  That means a shorter nap in the middle of the day.  The things I do for you.

The truth is, I can't recall why the show is both all day and all night songs.  Usually, I'd pick one or the other, wouldn't I?  Maybe it's because I thought it'd be an easy show to put together & didn't want to scramble to find obscure songs called "all night long" because I wanted to do one of my narrowly-themed shows.  If so, then: irony!

The reason for the theme is lost in the midst of my fuzzy memory.  It's certainly not because I've stayed up all day & all night recently.  I wish I had, especially on the radio.  That would be fun.

The show! Available all day & all night starting tomorrow at noon PST at Self Help Radio dot net.  I hope it is worth the wait.  Spoiler alert!  It won't be.

Preface (Again) To All Day & All Night: What If?

What if one of my musical heroes wrote a song for Self Help Radio?  Would it be something like this?



Let's be clear: Momus has no idea a radio show called Self Help Radio exists.  But I like to pretend.

Very Little To Report

Seriously, I've just been listening to music & working on the show that was supposed to happen last week.  Now I have to feed the animals & get to bed because I am operating the boards for two talk shows tomorrow morning.

I choose to share with you a poem I wrote twenty years & a day ago.  Lucky you!  It's called "Reprieve Reprise."

better soak it

what a gumble hardly trouble just a few slices slip
need to ice the razzleberry hardly fairly rub it
softer there's a lot to put in eyelids over & above
the last respite you didn't say it call it love

better hold it

listen bastard torn green fabric taking pulse from
nothing else i crumble neatly you can't feel me where
i was saying bent on the day after some sick bagman
carries away organs for the donors not the lonely

you know better

i know music see the bruises like abstrex tattoos
saved one for you a heart to clutch fuck all it's much
more than memory close to repairing some point you
missed if i hadn't stayed you'd resist frayed afraid

best forget her

Back In The Saddle

Okay.  I'm still not 100% but I don't have a bunch of obligations this week to foul me up, so I think there'll be a new episode of Self Help Radio.  Think?  I'm sure of it!

In fact, I visited one of the radio stations at which I volunteer today & I filled out an application for SHR there.  I don't imagine the turnaround will be too quick - nothing appears to happen too terribly quickly there - but it was nice they let me apply.  I have been daydreaming about getting a show there since I drove home, which is probably not healthy, but I can't help it.  I daydream & I worry, sometimes at the exact same time.

The wife said, "Look at you, filling your days with radio" - oh yeah, I forgot!  I am going to train at the third station this weekend.  It would be quite fun if I had three different radio shows on three different stations.  Holy shit, could I sustain that?  I dunno.

There's a meeting tomorrow & I am running the board for two talk shows on Wednesday so I should have ample time to put the show together.  Why, you may ask, did I not work on it this weekend?  Shouldn't I have done that?  Well.

First, I napped.  I think I may have an ear infection.  It helps to nap.

Second, I needed to go see the new Spider-Man movie.  It was mildly entertaining, & I sat in the wrong theater at first, so almost saw Toy Story 4.

Third, I volunteered to monitor the station for the last night of the Blues Festival, so I sat & read Twitter on my phone while I listened to Shemekia Copeland & Trombone Shorty, & had to tell angry deejays their shows were preempted by the live broadcast.  That was a fun moment, they were so het up by not being informed of the preemption until I pointed out there was a bulletin board just outside the deejay booth with the information.  At least one deejay discovered that his show would be preempted by another live broadcast at the end of the month.

They had the decency to simmer down when they realized they weren't paying attention.  & one of them decided to go to the Blues Festival.

One of these days I'll learn not to procrastinate.  Not today, though.

Excuses, Excuses (No Show This Week)

(Image from here.)

Ugh, I feel so bad about this.  The short bit of news is that I just don't think I'll have the time & energy to put together Self Help Radio this week.  I will be gone most of today helping out with a remote broadcast & much of that involved sitting in the sun while live bands played nearby & everyone had to yell to speak to one another.  Five hours of that will really wear you down.

Do you want to hear more excuses?  I've been feeling run-down this week & even had a fever the other night, although what it's from is a little confusing - I don't have a cold & I haven't otherwise had any symptoms of sickness.

& this morning we took our cat Boone for a follow-up visit to the vet to try to figure out why he's so thin & is coughing.  The steroids he was given to possibly treat for asthma have not resulted in a diminishing of his coughing fits.  Now he's being treated for possible parasites.

Again, I remind myself that this wouldn't happen if I could do the show live.  The whole process of editing the audio takes much more time than a live "performance."  So if I had a show on the air, I would not be skipping it this week.

But I also must remind myself all this work I'm doing is to make sure that I will one day be back on the air.

Please accept my apologies - I apologize to my collaborators too! - the show with the theme "all day & all night" will happen next Friday at noon.

Preface To All Day & All Night: The Perils Of Holiday Radio/The Perils Of Podcasting

(Image from here.)

Here's a warning: Self Help Radio may not be "on time" this week.  I want to help out at a radio station here & they are broadcasting live from a festival & I'll be on site to announce stuff  between acts, & that's happening both Thursday & Friday, & it's probably no surprise those are the days I work on the show.  A huge swath of time I normally spend on the show has not been taken doing something else.

This has become a habit, I'm sorry.  I promise, I am working as hard as possible without being an unbearable pest to get Self Help Radio on the air in Portland.  But as long as the podcast can be released whenever, I have the option to postpone & reschedule.

Have a happy fourth & I'll try to get the show done by noon on Saturday.  I'll try.  I'll try.

Do You Ever Sleep All Night?

It's July 2.  Let's pretend it's July 1.  For the sake of argument.

Summertime is a good time to sleep all night.  Nights are shorter.  The goal is within reach.

The sun rose on July 1 at 5:26am in Portland.  It set the night before at 9:03pm.  That means there was about eight & a half hours of night to sleep all the way through.

That night I went to bed at around midnight.  I wasn't feeling well, I thought I might have a fever.  I tossed & turned & occasionally had to move to different parts of the bed because the animals in the bed had shifted positions.  I woke around seven to take the dogs for their morning walk.

You might generously give me seven hours of sleep, but I certainly didn't sleep all night.  I hardly ever if ever sleep all night.  I don't go to bed at 9pm (the animals get fed at 9:30pm) nor do I wake at 5:30am (unless it's for a radio show or something like that).  So I arguably will never sleep all night.

Conversely, in the wintertime, there'll be far less day than night.  Could I possibly sleep all day?

On January 1 in Portland, the sun rose at 7:41 am.  It set the night before at 4:38pm.  Holy shit.  That's less than nine hours of daylight.  Holy fucking shit.  Okay, I hadn't thought about that before.  All right.  Deep breaths.  Deep breaths.

There's no way I'm going to sleep all day if all day is less than nine hours long!  That's fifteen hours of night.  Where do I live now, the arctic?

What was I talking about?  Oh man, I can't believe - the sun rose on January 1 in Dallas at 7:30 & it set at 5:30 & that I know is just one hour more but for some reason it's just not as frightening.  Okay.  Okay.

Look, I need to make some preparations for a scary winter.  Forget all day & all night, I may want to sleep all winter long.

The Cat Seems A Little Lean

Happy July!  It's been a lovely summer so far in Portland, I hope it keeps being lovely.

Many years ago, in Kentucky, I got my cat Beatrice into the bad habit of eating on my desk.  She actually ate on this pull-out section just to my right, & every once in a while, when I was moving my mouse (I'm right-handed), if she were there, she'd take that as provocation & swat at me.

This situation continued in Texas but I slowly put a stop to it, especially after Beatrice died.  The cats had specific places they ate, usually on the dining room table, away from snoopy hounds who couldn't understand why they weren't eating as fast as dogs do.

But if you saw my desk right now, you'd say: hey, Gary, are there cats eating on your desk?  & I'd say, yes.  Yes, there are.  Well, one.  Boone.

Boone has been mentioned on this blog before, as well as in recent posts during the move.  He didn't enjoy the four-day drive to Portland.  & we noticed something a couple of weeks into our stay here: he seemed to be losing weight.

There could be many reasons, & we fixated on one: he's always had a weird cough.  We thought he maybe couldn't pass hairballs, so we gave him this goop (he did not enjoy getting this goop squirted into his mouth) which supposedly facilitated that.  But the intermittent coughing continued.  We decided to visit a vet - we're going to need to find a vet - to see what might be the case.

The tentative diagnosis?  Asthma.  Our cat Bronte has asthma, so we're familiar.  The initial treatment: steroids.  Which has made Boone hungry.  & I will feed him whenever he wants, so, once again, a cat is eating on my desk.

Do you smell this brand of cat food when you read the blog?  That's what I'm feeding him!  The wet stuff!  It's so gross!

He hasn't stopped coughing, but he has put on weight.  The wife is not convinced of the vet's diagnostic skills.  For now, I'm just glad he's eating.

Self Help Radio 062819: Doubt

(Original image here.)

Oh! The show's a little late today! I doubted I could have finished it on time, & I was right! That, by the way, is how you snatch victory from the jaws of doubt: doubt that you can accomplish something & then celebrate when you do in fact fail. It sustains me.

But the show is done, I think it's pretty good music-wise, but I have to give props to the funny people on the show today.  Their real names are Ryan, Russell, Allen, & Alyx, & they made me laugh so much while they were doing the fake interviews that I hope you'll laugh a lot too. Sometimes I feel stupid lucky these guys help me out with my dumb show.

Enough about all that. The show is doubtlessly over at Self Help Radio dot net at this very moment. You know there's a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) needed, right? Cool. Enjoy the show, see what's on it below, & don't doubt that I'll be back next week.

Self Help Radio Doubt Show

"Doubt" The 49 Americans _E Pluribus Unum_
"Doubt" The Cure _Faith_
"Doubt" Stereolab _Switched On_

introduction & definitions

"Reverberation (Doubt)" The 13th Floor Elevators _The Psychedelic World Of The 13th Floor Elevators_
"Shout Out Doubt" The Sponsors _Sponsors_
"Don't Doubt Yourself, Babe" The Byrds _Mr. Tambourine Man_
"Remove This Doubt" Elvis Costello _The Kojak Variety_
"Shadow Of A Doubt" Sonic Youth _Evol_

Interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
Phone call from the show's lawyer Bobcat Sloan

"Doubts Even Here" New Order _Movement_
"Your Doubting Heart" The Hobbes Fanclub _Up At Lagrange_
"Benefit Of The Doubt" Vi Velasco _The Vi Velasco Album_
"No Doubt About It" The Shirelles _The World's Greatest Girls Group_
"Chinook (Sing From The Valley Of Doubt)" Louise Burns _Mellow Drama_

Interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Crippling Self Doubt & A General Lack Of Self Confidence" Courtney Barnett _Tell Me How You Really Feel_
"Inside Doubt" Bonnie Hayes & The Wild Combo _Good Clean Fun + Brave New Girl_
"Clouds Of Doubt" Faces In The Crowd _Hipsville, Vol. 2_
"You Better Be Doubtful" The Housemartins _The People Who Grinned Themselves To Death_
"Darkness & Doubt" The Mekons _Fear & Whiskey_

Interview with Gölden Överthrøw vocalist Tony Too Tights

"No Doubt About It" The Other Half _Mr. Pharmacist_
"No Doubt" Penny Candles _Borobudur 12"_
"No Doubt" Mick Harvey _Two Of Diamonds_
"In Doubt" Peter Gabriel _Passion (Music For The Last Temptation Of Christ)_
"Sense Of Doubt" David Bowie _"Heroes"_

Fun in the Self Help Radio Lab
Another phone call from the show's lawyer Bobcat Sloan

"Doubtful" The Moonglows _Windy City Harmonizers: Rarities From Chess Vocal Groups_
"Without A Doubt" The Righteous Brothers _Back To Back_
"Who Could Ever Doubt My Love" The Supremes _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 5: 1965_
"Without A Doubt" Major Lance _You Better Believe It! Vol. 1_
"Ain't No Doubt About It" Wilson Pickett _In Philadelphia_

conclusion & goodbyes

"In Love With The Doubt" Dolorean _You Can't Win_

Whither Doubt?

(This image is from a website with an article called How To Manage Doubt.)

In the fall of 1988 (I'm guessing) I took one of the several Shakespeare classes I would take (or have to take) at the University Of Texas At Austin.  Being a pretentious precocious kid, I had already read a few of Shakespeare's plays & had a favorite: Hamlet.

We read Hamlet in that class, & when it came time to write the inevitable paper, I told the instructor I wanted to write it about doubt.  As a centerpiece, I included the poem that Hamlet wrote to Ophelia, read by snoopy-ass Polonious to Hamlet's mom when the latter was worried about her boy's weird behavior:

Doubt thou the stars are fire;

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar;

But never doubt I love.

How many years has it been?  Thirty-one?  I no longer have that paper, & I don't recall what grade I got on it, though I did get an A in that class, so it wasn't like I bombed or anything.

Many years later I included that poem in an email to a girl I was playing at courting, & she didn't know it was from Hamlet, which was fine.  Not everyone could be as pretentious precocious as me.

Is Hamlet the reason for this show?  Is Hamlet the reason for anything, except maybe launching the careers of hundreds of actors?  Here are forty-five of them who have played the doomed Prince of Denmark.

Seriously, though, I doubt I was thinking about Hamlet when this theme popped into my head.  You should too.  You should doubt everything I say on this blog, on the show, in conversation with me.  It's a pretty wise thing to do.

But don't doubt that Self Help Radio will explore doubt tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net!

No, wait, doubt that, too.

Preface To Doubt: Book Recommendation

Since we moved to Portland, we've kept all our books in boxes.  We expect we're going to move again within the year (to a house we'll own) & didn't want to pack & unpack again so soon.  But, apropos this week's show, there's a book that I recommend, & it's called, of course, Doubt.

It's been a while since I read it - & it wasn't the inspiration for this week's show - & there's a part of me that wishes it were handy so I could perhaps read some extracts for the show - but I remember loving the book, & I am sad I won't be able to share anything in it.

If you're looking for an entertaining & informative history of humankind's tendency to question & how that's advanced our understanding of the world, it's here.

This may be the first book I've recommended on the blog!

What Happened To Today?

Friends from Dallas came to town, I spent the afternoon & evening with them.  I need to wake up early to run the board at a station so need to get to sleep like an hour ago.  So I will take this time to remind you that:

Self Help Radio has a Facebook page.  I often preview songs for the week's show there.  Like or follow or whatever it!

Self Help Radio has a Twitter page.  I announce stuff there (like on the Facebook page) as well as live-tweet shows I do live.  Follow or like or whatever it!

Self Help Radio has a Tumblr page.  I post dumb pictures I take there, you know, like what Instagram is for.  But Self Help Radio does not have an Instagram page.  If you like to look at amateurish photos of random stuff I come across, like or follow or whatever it!

All of these are linked at Self Help Radio's web site.  That's where you can listen to shows.

My work for the day is done.  Time for maybe six hours of sleep!

Involvement

Last night I wrote this on Facebook:

Every college/community radio station meeting is the exact same college/community radio station meeting.

I don't really think that's true, but I had just returned from the monthly meeting at another community station here in Portland, & it was very similar to pretty much any radio station meeting I have attended in the last 25 years.

Which officially makes it three radio stations I'm getting involved with here in Portland.  If that seems insane to you, well, same here!

Yesterday I ran the board for one station (let's call them station # 1), which is the station that it's been easiest to get involved with (I am going up there to help with their music library stuff).  I like this station a lot, they've been incredibly welcoming, but I don't know if I want Self Help Radio on this station (for some dumb reasons) but more importantly I don't think I have much of a chance getting a show on this station any time soon.

This Thursday I train at another station (let's call it station # 2) & I also think competition is tight for airtime.  They've been the most elusive station at which to get involved - it's been hard to not take it personally.  Anyway, I half-expect the session to get cancelled.  We'll see.

As for station # 3, whose monthly meeting I attended last night: they're opening up applications for the next schedule (starting in September) & even though I've not been trained, I'm being encouraged to apply.  I hope chat with the Program Manager sooner than later to find out more about the process, but there are some reasons why I don't necessarily want Self Help Radio on this station.  I may enumerate them later.

In any event: I sure am keeping busy!

Self Help Radio 062119: Fuzz

(The logo got all fuzzy!)

You'll have to excuse me, all this fuzz has left me a bit fuzzy.

So much fuzz on this show.  Perhaps I'll need to take it to the dry cleaner.  In any event, here it is, what else is there to say about it: songs about fuzz, talk about fuzz, an interview with some crazy person who is pretending to be an inanimate object, a phone call from the show's lawyer - the truth is, even though I just went through it, it's all a bit fuzzy now.  I need to lie down.

Listen now at Self Help Radio dot net.  Use this username: SHR.  Use this password: selfhelp.  Look at what was played & said below.

My only regret: I never once of the show uttered the phrase, "Jinkers, fellas, it's the fuzz!"

Probably for good reason.

Self Help Radio Fuzz Show

"Fuzzy Patterns" The Tages _We Can Fly, Vol. 2_
"Fuzzy" Dressy Bessy _Little Music_
"A Fuzzy Feeling" Bromheads Jacket _On The Brain_

introduction & definitions

"I'm In Your Mind Fuzz" King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard _I'm In Your Mind Fuzz_
"The Fuzz" The Bloody Hollies _If Footmen Tire You_
"Fuzzies" Adam Newman _Fuzzies_
"Fuzzy Wuzzy" The Three Peppers _1937-1940_
"Fuzzy Wuzzy (Wuz A Bear)" Rosemary Clooney _Memories Of You_

interview with Phil T. Ball

"Caught By The Fuzz" Supergrass _I Should Coco_
"Shot Down By the Fuzz" The Supernovas _Don't Believe In Heroes EP_
"Buzz With The Fuzz" Chris Farlow & The Thunderbirds _The Weekend Starts Here_
"Salvation Fuzz" Monty Python _The Monty Python Matching Tie & Handkerchief_
"The Fuzz" Ellis _The Fuzz_

phone call from Self Help Radio counsel Bobcat Sloan

"Green Fuz" Randy Alvey & Green Fuz _Pebbles Volume 2_
"Jaw Cracker Fuzz" Membranes _Everyone’s Going Triple Bad Acid, Yeah! (The Complete Membranes 1980-1993)_
"Monster Fuzz" The Cambodian Space Project _Electric Blue Boogaloo_
"Slow Fuzz" Alec Bathgate _The Indifferent Velvet Void_
"Sad Fuzz" Ty Segall _Melted_

a discussion of the fuzz effect in music

"The Fuzz" Grady Martin _I Got A Woman: Gems From The Decca Vaults USA_
"The 2,000 Pound Bee" The Ventures _Radical Guitars_
"The Fuzz" Link Wray & The Wraymen _Mr Guitar_
"King Fuzz" Davie Allan & The Arrows _Blues Theme_
"Fuzz" Alex Keenan _Tell Her You Love Her 7"_

a discussion of fuzzy mouth

"Put Your Foot On The Fuzzbox Baby" Helen Love _Radio Hits 3_
"Fuzzbox (feat. Jon Spencer)" Bomb The Bass _Future Chaos_
"Kinda Fuzzy" Eels _Wonderful, Glorious_
"Fuzzy Soft Thing" Dennis Olivieri _Come To The Party_
"Fuzzy Sun" Jim O'Rourke _Halfway To A Threeway_

conclusion & goodbye

"Gertrude McFuzz" Dr. Seuss _Dr. Seuss Presents Fox In Socks, Horton Hatches The Egg, & Other Stories, Including The Sneetches_

Whither Fuzz?

(Image from here.)

This portion of the blog - the point in the week, usually the day before the show, where I discuss how I came up with the upcoming theme - I've been doing this since the beginning of the blog, seventy-nine years ago.  The presumption - wholly mine - was that surely there was an interesting story behind every idea.  I guess I was imagining myself being constantly inspired, like the show was always on the forefront of my mind, & those moments of inspiration - happening like an epiphany - would be good narratives.

This has not proven to be the case.  Here are the two main origins of themes for Self Help Radio:

1) I don't know.
2) I can't recall.

They may seem the same, but one is utter ignorance, the other is a somber recognition of my increasingly faulty memory.

Indeed, it's often the case that I know more why possible reasons for the show's theme are false than why they're true.  For example, this week's show, which is about fuzz: it's not because of the noise, or the effects pedal.  I wasn't really thinking that, & have been happily surprised there are many songs celebrating that aspect of fuzz.

While I can't say it with much certainty, if there's a discernible origin for this week's show, it's the fact that I am surrounded by fuzzy creatures.  Dogs & cats.  Too much fuzz.  If in fact they gave me the idea for the show, well, they're not taking the credit.  But they've heard me ruin good ideas time & again.

So let's hope I clear up my fuzzy brain & get the show together at noon tomorrow over on Self Help Radio dot net.  There are lots of songs with lots of fuzz & there'll even be an interview or two.  It won't give you the warm fuzzies or anything, but it'll be better than being shot by the fuzz.  You know?

Preface To Fuzz: Shades Of Fuzziness

Listen to this creepy Wikipedia article's beginning: "Body hair, or androgenic hair, is the terminal hair that develops on the human body during & after puberty. It is differentiated from the head hair & less visible vellus hair, which are much finer & lighter in color."

There's a continuum, you see: head hair, body hair, vellus hair.  As the article on vellus hair explains, "Vellus hair is sometimes colloquially referred to as peach fuzz, due to its resemblance to the downy epidermic growths on the peach fruit."

Have you ever heard the phrase "vellus hair"?  Me neither.  Why vellus?  & how is it there's a word that rhymes with jealous that no one's told me about?

"Vellus" is apparently Latin for "fleece" or "wool."  The wife is an anatomist, & she has been complaining recently about how complicated it can be to name different parts of the body (mostly interior).  I'm not going to remember what particular part of the brain she was talking about, but it apparently looked like - if I remember correctly - a bridle.  So instead of calling it "the bridle," they refer to it as the Latin word for "bridle."  This smells like some elitist 17th century shit right here, doesn't it?  I told her to just call it "the bridle."  She will not take my advice.

It is fuzzy fun to imagine a more complicated spectrum of fuzziness, from bald to hirsute.  I am a little sad about how the body gets so hairy in the weirdest of places (I'm calling you out, ears!).  & then doesn't - like, what the fuck is happening on my head?  Why does baldness happen?  It won't even be fuzzy up there in a few years.  Few years?  A few months!

There's a memory I have - maybe I've shared it here before - when I was in ninth grade, I was bored in our house - the one we briefly shared with my mother's boyfriend Ed, in late 1982 - the only time, I think, after my mother left my father when I was four in which there was an adult male in the house - I saw his razor & shaving cream & decided to shave my face.  I had a layer of peach fuzz on my mug & thought, hey, let's do this.

Of course I had no clue what I was doing - I sometimes think my own reticence to shave these days comes from the fact that there was no one to actually teach me how to do it - & I probably didn't use enough cream or scraped too hard or whatever - but in any event, my face burned after that experience.

& then - I didn't shave again for maybe two years.  Maybe less than.  I have a specific memory.

My friend Dale - who would leave Garland after our ninth grade year, but whom I would find again in my third year at the University of Texas - & hey, he's doing okay for himself - I had known Dale since the first grade, & for some weird reason in my freshman year, his locker was above mine - I have a memory of grabbing my books in between classes & saying hello to him & him saying to me, "You know, Dickerson" - he called me by my last name in those days, thanks to shared P.E. experiences - he said, "Dickerson, those sideburns aren't working for you."

The upshot of my pathetic shaving adventure was that I grew sideburns!  I have no idea if I shaved them off - I don't remember shaving regularly until maybe eleventh grade - but who knows?  I was pretty self-conscious then.

Seriously, I should've left my peach fuzz alone.

All Fifty Ways

On this past week's show, I read from a recently-unearthed lyrics sheet by Paul Simon which included all fifty ways he envisioned to "leave your lover."  Simon had intended to record a masterpiece in which he could share this musically, but his unerring pop instincts also told him if he simply included a few of the fifty ways, he could have a hit single, which is of course what happened.  There was a great deal of cocaine involved, & he never got around to going back into the studio to record the full lyrics, but, as I said, I have a copy, & I share them with you.  You can sing them out loud if you'd like.

Here are the (numbered) fifty ways that Paul Simon believed you could leave your lover.  The first five are familiar to you from the single:

01. Just slip out the back, Jack.
02. Make a new plan, Stan.
03. You don't need to be coy, Roy.
04. Hop on the bus, Gus.
05. Just drop off the key, Lee.

Here are the rest:

06. Don't go back again, Ken.
07. Try not to be a jerk, Kirk.
08. Maybe give one last kiss, Chris.
09. Leave her in your will, Bill.
10. Don't let yourself get sad, Chad.
11. Just pretend she's gone, John.
12. Act aloof & chilly, Willie
13. Make her think you're dead, Ted.
14. Relocate to Samoa, Noah.
15. Ditch her at baggage claim, James.
16. Learn the proper way to hasten, Jason.
17. Maybe use a motorcycle, Michael.
18. Or just any kind of bike, Mike.
19. Stop having so much sex, Rex.
20. Start acting Elizabethan, Ethan.
21. Replace with a cocker spaniel, Daniel.
22. Get a little fat, Matt
23. Just try to be frank, Hank.
24. Don't start a riot, Wyatt.
25. Act like a rogue knave, Dave.
26. Beg, borrow, or barter, Carter.
27. Replace her with a maiden, Jayden.
28. Don't say where you're going, Owen.
29. Make sure you're ready & willing, Dylan.
30. Be honest what you like, Ike.
31. Break all the rules, Jules.
32. Say you're brainwashed, Josh.
33. Find something else to do, Drew.
34. Just start lying, Ryan.
35. Life's not gonna wait, Nate.
36. Tell her your barren, Darren.
37. Try to stay calm, Tom.
38. Wish her the best of luck, Chuck.
39. Tell her you're a goner, Connor.
40. Explain that you're not ready, Eddie.
41. Consume too much brandy, Andy.
42. Show her that you're a snob, Bob.
43. Act like you're too sick, Nick.
44. Get thrown out like the trash, Ash.
45. Change into a madame, Adam.
46. Keep acting like a freak, Zeke.
47. Do it face-to-face, Chase.
48. Talk to a lawyer, Sawyer.
49. There's no one left to convince, Vince.
& finally:
50. Just fucking leave, Steve.

My First Radio Show In Portland

It was this one.  I subbed a folk music show.  You can listen to it over on this page if you want.  I think it went all right, although my first call was from someone who said I talked too much.

Here's the playlist:

"Over & Away She Goes" Bill Fox _Shelter From The Smoke_
"Who's Gonna Love You Now?" Peter Mulvey _There Is Another World_
"Freight Train Boogie" Red Foley _The History Of Country & Western Music, Vol. 12: 1947_

"That's What I Want To Hear" Phil Ochs _Farewells & Fantasies_
"Benny's TV Repair" Irene Kelley _Benny's TV Repair_
"Katie Cruel" Karen Dalton _In My Own Time_
"Hope To Be That Happy" Ordinary Elephant _Honest_
"Marianne" The Easy Riders _The Easy Riders_

"Girl From Vernon Mountain" Chris Lucey _Songs Of Protest & Anti-Protest_
"Anchors" Damien Jurado _In The Shape Of A Storm_
"Rock Island Line" Odetta _Looking For A Home_
"Philosophers, Poets, & Kings" Kate Rusby _Philosophers, Poets, & Kings_
"Worthless" Anna Tivel _The Question_

"The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" Peggy Seeger _Folk Song America: A 20th Century Revival_
"Sunny Days" Rising Appalachia _Leylines_
"Puccini" Kath Bloom & Loren Mazzacane _Moonlight_
"AGT" Mountain Man _Magic Ship_
"Me & My Charms" Kristin Hersh _Hips & Makers_

"The Neatest Hand" The Guild League _Private Transport_
"Morning Again (Alternate Version)" Tom Paxton _The Essential_
"Won't Be Satisfied" Courtney Hartman _Ready Reckoner_
"There Will Be A Reckoning" Billy Bragg _Tooth & Nail_
"Crossing To Jerusalem" Rosanne Cash _She Remembers Everything_

Self Help Radio 061519: Fifty

That graphic I made gives the impression we're celebrating some fiftieth event or anniversary.  That's simply not the case.  The show is just exploring the number fifty.

Which is not to say that the show doesn't talk about fifty things in one way or another.  Fifty miles, fifty years, fifty cents - there are many things in groups of fifty here.  (Incidentally, I wish there were a name for groups of fifty.  We just have some DC nonprofit & that time in the book of Luke (9:14) where Jesus feeds the five thousand & has them get into "groups of about fifty each" - & if Jesus can't come up for a word for groups of fifty, I'm not going to.)

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, no anniversary, no milestone, nothing but a discussion of the number fifty plus lots of fifty-themed songs, including an entire set on the notion of "50/50" - an equitable split.

Sorry the show is late!  It's a little early today for your convenience.  But still late!  It's now at Self Help Radio dot net, you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen, & what is played (including the interviews) is listed below.

Thanks for your patience!

Self Help Radio Fifty Show

"Fifty Miles Of Elbow Room" Rev. F.W. McGee _Anthology Of American Folk Music, Vol. 2B: Social Music_
"Fifty Years From Now" Harry McClintock _Protest! American Protest Songs 1928-1953_
"Fifty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong (with Miff Mole's Molers & Ted Shapiro)" Sophie Tucker _The Last Of The Red Hot Mamas_

introductions & definition

"Five Ten Fiftyfold" Cocteau Twins _Head Over Heels_
"50ft Queenie" PJ Harvey _Rid Of Me_
"Sonnet 50: How Heavy Do I Journey On The Way" Benjamin Soames _The Best Of The Sonnets_
"50 Shades Of Blue" Edwyn Collins _Hope & Despair_
"The 50 States Song" Sufjan Stevens _The 50 States_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Fifty-Fifty Blues (feat. Jack Teagarden)" Louis Armstrong & His All-Stars _Pops: The 1940s Small-Band Sides_
"50-50 Love" The Ramblers _The Best Of Harlem & Jax Records, Vol. 1_
"50/50" Frank Zappa _Over-Nite Sensation_
"50/50 Split" Beatnik Filmstars _Beezer_
"Fifty Fifty" The Luyas _Animator_

interview with record breaker Waylon McKensie

"Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover" Marlboro Chorus _Flirt_
"50 Ways" Kool Moe Dee _How Ya Like Me Now_
"50 Ways" Telekinesis _12 Desperate Straight Lines_
"Maybe It's Because I'm Fifty" Robin Williams _Live 2002_
"I Had But Fifty Cents" R. Crumb & His Cheap Suit Serenaders _R. Crumb & His Cheap Suit Serenaders_

classic rock lyric revelations

"Fifty" Bill Morrissey _The Essential Collection_
"Fifty" Tom Robinson _Love Over Rage_
"Fifty Years Of Fun" Biff Bang Pow! _The Singles As & Bs_
"50 Year Smoker" Bill Hicks _Love, Laughter, & Truth_
"Fifty Years" Originals _California Sunset_

conclusion & goodbyes

"50 Year Old Man" The Fall _Imperial Wax Solvent_
"50 Dollars" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever_
"50 Years Of Comparative Wealth" Steve Diggle & The Flag Of Convenience _The Secret Public Years: 1981-1989_
"50 Souls & A Discobowl" The Lionheart Brothers _Dizzy Kiss_
"50% Of Your Love" Lacrosse _Are You Thinking Of Me Every Minute Of Every Day?_

Fifty Things Went Wrong Today

It's not even noon here in Portland (it's probably later where you are) but the morning was spent on the phone & fretting about issues almost entirely out of my hands but relating to selling our house in Fort Worth.  We're supposed to close today & various repairs related to our contract - which appear to have been finished - have apparently not been sufficiently documented to the satisfaction of - well, take your pick: the buyers, the realtors, the insurance company - & have therefore resulted in - I'm not sure yet!  Will the sale fall through?  Will it be delayed?  What will it cost if it's delayed?  Holy shit.

One thing is clear: there will not be a Self Help Radio at noon today.  I & the wife have been on the phone all morning long, our next-door neighbor has been sending pictures, at some point even someone of the phone agreed that it is kind of a shit-show.

Instead of scrambling to get the show done at some point today, I'm just going to plan for noon tomorrow.  I hope this isn't an inconvenience or disappointment.  I know this is like the second time in four weeks I've done this & I don't mean to make it a habit.  My apologies.

Someone's texting.  This will never frickin' end.

Whither Fifty?

(Apparently there's a film called Fifty. I did not have time to watch it for research purposes.)

Here are the obvious but incorrect reasons why the theme this week is "fifty":

1) I am turning fifty.  Nope, I did that in 2018.
2) Someone I know is turning fifty.  Nope, I know very few people.
3) It's the show's fiftieth episode.  Nope, that happened in the show's first year.
4) It's the fiftieth anniversary of the show.  Ha, I wish!  No, the show turns 17 this year.
5) It's the fiftieth anniversary of something.

That last one is true.  It's the fiftieth anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, & fifty years ago John Lennon & Yoko Ono were holding their infamous "bed-ins."  Among other things.

But no, this show is not celebrating or commemorating anything that happened fifty years ago.

Why "fifty" then?  Is there a reason?  You wouldn't do a show about a number without a reason, would you?

Yeah, I would.  The truth is, I'm not sure I should tell you why the theme will be "fifty" this week.  I can say I've done a few number shows before - I did a show about the counting numbers, & I believe I've done shows about the numbers zero, nine, & seventeen.  (I might be forgetting others; I was certain I'd done a show about the number four but I guess I have not.)  Numbers are reliable - people like to sing songs about numbers.  But was it simply because I knew there'd be lots of songs about the number fifty that I chose that as a theme?

Did someone request it?  Why, why, why is the theme "fifty" this week?

Oh, all right.  I'll tell you.  It's because of what I learned about the number fifty here: "The number 50 is witty. People generally smile a lot when they're around 50."

Who wouldn't want to listen to a witty radio show theme that everyone smiles a lot around?  Not me! I wanna listen to that!

If you listen tomorrow at noon at the Self Help Radio website, you'll probably smile a lot around the wit of fifty.  That's the reason for the show.  Not something ridiculous.

Not at all.

Preface To Fifty: Turning Fifty

In the arrogance & despair of youth, I never thought I'd make it to fifty.  I didn't know exactly what would happen to me - would I take my own life? would I die of carelessness? would something awful & unfair happen?  Who knows?  I just had this sense - & I suppose lots of self-involved sensitive souls feel this way - that I probably wouldn't make it past my twenties.

Then, you know, it happened.  Suddenly I was no longer a broken-hearted eighteen-year-old, I was a broken-hearted twenty-eight-year-old.  Then thirty-eight, then - wonder of wonders - fifty.

For a long time I really, really wanted to keep a journal, & tried to do so in fits & starts throughout my life.  The trouble is, I don't do anything really important, & I don't have any real insights into anything.  So a few years ago, I started writing down what I did during the day, sometimes just a checklist, to give me a sense of what my life was like at the time.  I did this for my fiftieth birthday & it simply didn't sound special or interesting when I just read about it.  In fact, it sounds a lot like most of my time in Dallas/Fort Worth: dog walking & lots of driving.  I also picked my wife up at the airport.  I did that a lot.

What I don't think I did was take stock of myself, meditate on my mortal situation, put things into some context like "there is now more life behind me than in front of me."  Why not, I wonder.

First of all, it's because I've never felt my age.  Not having been a terribly physical person, the most I notice is greying beard & receding hairline, & loss of vision.  I have to wear reading glasses now.  That's the most old my body seems.

Second, I think I never adulted as much as everyone else.  I didn't have kids, & I spent a great deal of time at colleges, consistently surrounded by young people.  (It was a great sadness to me that I couldn't help out at KTCU, the college station in Fort Worth.  I miss all the kids at WRFL.)  That tends to keep one relatively young in spirit, even as one appears to turn into a crotchety old timer.

& finally, I stopped making a big deal of my birthday maybe a decade ago.  I don't have a party, I don't do anything special, I don't even want cards or other shit from family.  It's really just another day, & I'd much rather mark time by things I care about doing - like my radio program - than something like a birthday ritual.

Now, this week's show has the theme "fifty" but I turned fifty last year.  So it has nothing to do with my age, which is currently fifty-one.  I'll try to talk tomorrow about why the theme is fifty.  For today's shabby essay, I just wanted to reflect on what I thought, if anything about turning fifty.  It turns out, not much.

Which is maybe too bad; many folks wanted me to see it as a milestone.  I will tell you that I did drive to see my mother on January 20, 2018 - it was a Saturday - & she was moving out of her apartment into my sister's house.  My nephew Josh & his wife showed up.  I went to have dinner with old friends from KVRX at a place I really do miss, Kalachandji's in Dallas.  & I picked my wife up from the airport; she had gone to Lexington for a funeral.

Maybe sixty will be a bigger deal.

Heat Wave!

Record breaking heat in Portland!

No seriously, records were broken!

It's going to be several days of 90+ degree weather.  What on earth is one supposed to do?

Of course, the average daily temperature in Dallas/Fort Worth has been ninety plus degrees for weeks now, & soon will be a hundred degrees or more, so it's a little funny for me to hear people fret about the weather.  They did this in Lexington, too.

The wife bikes to work, & has marveled at how Portlanders will trudge through snow, sleet, rain, virtually any kind of nasty weather - but she says heat is their kryptonite.  Everyone biking home this afternoon in 95 degree weather was going quite slow, she reports.

It cooled down tonight & will be pleasant in the a.m.  We went for a dog walk tonight & we'll go for one tomorrow.

Next week, the highs will maybe hit eighty.  Texas would be so much more bearable if it had just a week-long heat wave every once in a while instead of, you know, months-long heat waves.

& no, I don't feel responsible for bringing this weather here.  I think I lost the Texas weather that was trying to follow me somewhere outside of Salt Lake City.

Obligatory Gary Cartoon

Found this in a romance comic from 1957:

Incidentally, 1957 was the last time anyone daydreamed about being with a Gary.

Self Help Radio 060719: Talk Show

(Original image found here.)

Yeah, yeah, isn't every Self Help Radio a talky show?  Whatever.  Whatever!  Disrespect me all you want, I made an entire radio show about talking!  & you know what else?  I had six or seven more hours worth of songs about talking that I deliberately chose not to play because I didn't want to talk that much.  That's right, I showed restraint.  There's a first time for everything.

The show, as chatty & verbose & garrulous & effusive as it is, is now over at the Self Help Radio website.  Oh, how I'd love it if you had to talk into your computer to tell the password, but we don't live in a crazy sci-fi world when things are voice activated, ha ha, are you nuts?  So you'll need to type SHR for the username & selfhelp for the password.  If you want to listen.  If you want to talk, just give me a call.

The songs I played are below.  Enjoy the show.  Talk to you later!

Self Help Radio Talk Show

"Talk" Bloods _Feelings_
"Talk Talk" Talk Talk _The Party's Over_
"Talk Talk Talk" The Ordinary Boys _Over The Counter Culture_
"Talk Talk Talk Talk" Love Is All _Nine Times The Same Song_

"Happy Talk" Ella Fitzgerald _Invite You To Listen & Relax_
"Talk To The Animals" Sammy Davis Jr. _Sings The Complete "Dr. Dolittle"_
"Animal Talk" Twink _The Broken Record_
"Elephant Talk" King Crimson _Discipline_
"Talk Talk" The Music Machine _Nuggets_

"Talkin'" Ty Segall _Ty Segall_
"Some Candy Talking" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Some Candy Talking EP_
"Did I Ever Tell You About The Man That Taught His Asshole To Talk" William S. Burroughs _Spare Ass Annie & Other Tales_
"Talk To Strangers" Saul Williams _Saul Williams_
"Talkin Trash" Betty Davis _Nasty Gal_

"Small Talk" Claudine Longet _Love Is Blue_
"Talking In The Dark" Elvis Costello _Taking Liberties_
"Too Much Talk" Gangway _Sitting In The Park_
"Talky-Talky" Young Bryan Superstar _The Young Bryan Superstar EP_
"Talking In Your Sleep" Rogue Wave _Cover Me_

"Girl Talk" Julie London _Feeling Good_
"Shop Talk" John Prine _Storm Windows_
"Short Exchanges" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Talk" Tacocat _Lost Time_
"Talk To Me" Cloud Nothings _Leave You Forever EP_

"Talk Show" Nots _We Are Nots_
"Talk To Me" Pere Ubu _The Tenement Year_
"Trash Talk" Stephen Colbert _I Am America & So Can You_
"You Can't Talk To The Dude" Jonathan Richman _I, Jonathan_
"Why Won't You Talk About It" The Radio Dept. _Lesser Matters_

"Talkin' Loud & Sayin' Nothing" James Brown _There It Is_
"School For Double Talk" Gary Owens _Put Your Head On My Finger_
"Talking Dirty" Eugene Mirman _The Absurd Nightclub Comedy Of Eugene Mirman_
"Talk To Your Doctor" Todd Barry _Super Crazy_

Whither A Talk Show?

(I found this image here.)

Just to be clear, this isn't an episode about talk shows.  I am just trying to break up the monotony of a single theme (in this case "talk") by adding the word "show" to it because Self Help Radio is a show.  Like, last week's show I called "an ordinary show."  I think that was last week's show.  I do that sort of thing from time-to-time.

How I wish I could do a show about talk shows!  I'm sure there are a few songs about famous shows & hosts.  Maybe I could just play clips from talk shows as if they were songs.  No, that's dumb.  But I'll keep it in mind: a show about talk shows sounds fun.

As I said earlier in the week on the show's Facebook page (where I often preview some of the songs I'll play on the show), the idea for this show mostly probably came around the time Mark Hollis died.  He was (in case you didn't know) the lead singer of Talk Talk & I wanted to have an excuse to play a song by him on the show.

There were two options: find a song that fit a theme or explore a theme I've been thinking about for a while: a show in which bands sing songs that have their names in them.  That would be fun, right?  Talk Talk have a song called "Talk Talk."  There are others.

Of course I instead opted to do a show about talking, so I could play the song "Talk Talk," which I first heard on the radio back in 1982 when new wave music sneaked onto commercial fm in the states for a brief period.  I loved it, & then I missed it, only rediscovering it after I'd gone to college & had a little bit of (student loan) money to buy used records.

That's why this week's show is a talking show.  One last thing: as much as it's probably somewhat easier to do broad themes, I really hate having to go through hours & hours of songs.  It's exhausting. I prefer narrower themes, thank you very much.

It's a talk show!  Tomorrow!  At noon!  At Self Help Radio dot net!  Guests TBA.